FUCKEROOO the latest fucking fuck thread December 24, 2018 3:14 AM   Subscribe

Vent thine despair within
posted by angrycat to MetaFilter-Related at 3:14 AM (259 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

There is no hard evidence for a drone at Gatwick. Good lord.
posted by biffa at 5:33 AM on December 24, 2018 [8 favorites]


I'm basically having a Cold War child PTSD moment right now.
posted by angrycat at 6:06 AM on December 24, 2018 [12 favorites]


WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN AWAKE MUCH LESS READING THE FUCKING NEWS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GO BACK TO FUCKING BED YOU JERK
posted by loquacious at 6:24 AM on December 24, 2018 [7 favorites]


Merry fuckin' Xmas.
posted by Doktor Zed at 6:27 AM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]


I'm basically having a Cold War child PTSD moment right now.

Right? When are they going to start airing "The Day After".

The good news is that we made it this far, almost halfway there. Remember when it was "oh shit, four years of this??" Well, we're down to two - or less. Hang in there people! We got this.

Also, I can't help it but --- eponysterical.
posted by NoraCharles at 6:43 AM on December 24, 2018 [6 favorites]


I'm basically having a Cold War child PTSD moment right now.

Wait, what? Did I miss something in the news beyond the usual unrelenting chrome plated shit show that is our current timeline?

BECAUSE I TOTALLY NEED HELP WITH MY INSOMNIA AND GENERAL WELTSCHMERZ
posted by loquacious at 7:04 AM on December 24, 2018 [4 favorites]


I am surrounded by people who keep saying "I am so stressed out by Christmas! I hate it! My spouse is supportive, but..." Make it stop.
posted by Melismata at 7:21 AM on December 24, 2018 [3 favorites]


First holiday is coming up without my niece. It's only been two months and change since she died. The family is still deeply mourning, her parents don't know if they'll get to see their grandchildren for Christmas, and it all just fucking sucks so fucking much.

I have a friend whose 14-year-old daughter suddenly took ill with, of all things, a n aneurysm in her brain, which led to them finding a clump of abnormal blood vessels; she had a couple surgeries and just got back home from the hospital two weeks ago. Two days into that two weeks, my friend's mother suddenly found out she had cancer. And she just died yesterday. What the everloving fuck?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
posted by cooker girl at 7:47 AM on December 24, 2018 [46 favorites]


Ugh, cooker girl. I'm so sorry.
posted by maxsparber at 8:01 AM on December 24, 2018 [8 favorites]


A super close friend of mine has been battling breast cancer. 6 weeks ago she developed unrelenting headaches and the spinal tap revealed brain metastasis. About 6 months, with palliative chemo.

She’s 45. She’s been with her husband since they were 15. They have the sweetest 7 year old boy you ever met. They’re very close to my family.

My friend has been dealing with the grief fairly well, at least outwardly. We went to her son’s birthday party last week. Spending some time with them tonight. I’ve dealt with a fair amount of death, but this is just so close and it’s the small details that get me. How do you even handle witnessing the last birthday party for your son you’ll ever see? The last Christmas?

People, we got to love each other so hard, like there’s no tomorrow.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:05 AM on December 24, 2018 [72 favorites]


Out Christmas shopping last night at a Target here in New Hampshire a guy walked past me wearing the Vanguard America logo on a t-shirt, which I think is the first time I've seen someone wearing a white supremacist symbol in person in public. The guy who murdered Heather Heyer was seen holding a shield with the VA logo on it on the day of the Charlottesville Unite The Right rally.
posted by XMLicious at 8:15 AM on December 24, 2018 [7 favorites]


I am having a hip replacement in February (postponed because of other health stuff from last year) and made the mistake of watching the "So you're having a hip replacement?" video my doctor linked for me. 15 minutes of horror narrated by a woman with a cheerful voice telling me all the ways it could go wrong...ugh!
posted by agatha_magatha at 8:35 AM on December 24, 2018 [4 favorites]


I’m at work and just had to listen to a long QAnon based conversation in the next cubicle and just... dudes, no. Stop.
posted by Ruki at 8:49 AM on December 24, 2018 [8 favorites]


I had a genuinely fucked up thing happen out in the world and now everyone around me is super angry about it and I just do not have the tools or ability to process all that anger.
posted by corb at 9:15 AM on December 24, 2018 [21 favorites]


Oh hey, so this is what awakened me at 5:15 a.m. And good it did, because I found and blew out a candle that someone had left burning overnight. GRAAAAAAAAAAR.

My aunt told me a day ago that one of her friends follows (believes in? not even sure what the right verb is) QAnon. Ughhhhh. And I went to in-laws' dinner last night that was pleasant but felt awkward to me for reasons. It felt like everyone had gotten so used to me being quiet that they just talked right over me. I think it's actually that they all just talk over each other and that's their way of relating, but it felt (and has felt before) like I was barely there, perhaps because I dissociate and...anyway. Some days it's hard to be sure I exist, and that wasn't helping, heh.

That said, on the good side of dissociation, I don't know exactly how to describe the thing I did yesterday, but it was like basically I dozed/deliberately cleared/opened my mind sitting up on the couch, listening to ambient music (Tortoise, etc.) and letting thoughts come as they may, and had kind of a quasi-lucid dream visualization session. I could ask questions to myself and get visualizations/short dreams in response. At one point early on, I felt like I wasn't actually asleep, but with my eyes closed, I saw light shining from a point above me, and when I opened my eyes it was pretty dim in the room and there was definitely no light there. So I don't know exactly what I did, but I want to do it again! (And this was with zero substances involved, heh. The only things I'd had at that point in the afternoon were string cheese and caffeine water.)
posted by limeonaire at 9:26 AM on December 24, 2018 [6 favorites]


I get a 15 min break at work on Saturday and an older lady is in there on her break. I just casually know her at work. I am enjoying my time away from customers/people. She says out of nowhere "just build the wall already" and I....say ...."excuse me?" And she lites in on the whole thing. I explode on the inside while calmly refuting her reiteration of fauxnews. And that shuts her up because thinking....

Quiet respite ensues.

Then I hear "well, Tramp is right about one thing" and I blow; "I don't want to hear that crap and I refuse to listen to it...." while heading out the door. Very short break.
posted by mightshould at 9:30 AM on December 24, 2018 [17 favorites]


cooker girl, Slarty Bartfast, I’m very sorry.

Not one but two of the elderly members of my very small church have died in the last 24 hours. This is in addition to a former member who’d swing by from time to time, who died unexpectedly about a week ago at age 69. One of the members was a sweet lady who bought Girl Scout cookies from my daughter, the other was a delightfully crusty older gent who complained about most things but had a not-so-secret heart of gold, and who helped to found and generously supported some of our mission work that has for decades provided assistance to those in crisis. None of these folks were in great health, but to have this many deaths in so short a time period feels terribly sudden and abrupt.
posted by cheapskatebay at 11:55 AM on December 24, 2018 [10 favorites]


Those 3 hernias I wrote about in the nice stories thread? Yeah, they fucking hurt. Like, a lot. All the time, except when they hurt worse than that. And I already have chronic pain issues, which is a weird silver lining, because at least I have well rehearsed coping mechanisms (and good pain meds). But we're hosting a constant flow of family and it's hard to put a good face on things (and I can't really take the pain meds when everyone is around).

Plus I can't do as much as usual, and I don't want to stick Mrs. IRFH with all the work, but I have real limitations now, which neither of us is used to. Hosting is stressful enough without me being an additional burden. Trying so hard to pretend for everyone, so I'm grateful for this thread so I have an appropriate place to say:

THIS FUCKING SUCKS!

Whew! It was nice to let that out. I really have a blessed life. Never feels like I have a right to complain.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:00 PM on December 24, 2018 [17 favorites]


To agatha_magatha; I had hip replacement surgery on Aug. 7th and I purposefully did NOT watch the video until after I had it! Good thing, too, because I kind of freaked out, imagining all that happening to me while I was not conscious. Good news is that the recovery is going well and I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have that weren't covered in the video; just shoot me a memail.

To all of us: big cheeto sux, amirite? I'm so used to his crazy antics going forward that now nothing he does surprises me. I just wish I could control the anxiety he engenders in me for the future of our country, though!

Instead, I will offer my thanks to all of you, dear internet friends, for your witty comments, interesting posts and askme questions and answers. Merry Merry, Happy Happy and Holy Holy to us all! Plus the hug that everyone needs! {{{{{{{all of us}}}}}}}
posted by Lynsey at 1:16 PM on December 24, 2018 [3 favorites]


I'm sorry to continue in this vein but in the run up to showing The Day After there was some Time or Newsweek article about the movie and there was a discussion of how a scene was cut wherein that chick who ends up pregnant takes her diaphragm out of a drawer.

And I was at an age (12/13) where I knew about the diaphragm part of your body but not the diaphragm birth control mechanism. And so I had this horrific idea that after the blast, there was a scene where the girl was picking her guts up from where they'd landed in the drawer. I knew enough to know that wasn't how you died in a blast, but I don't know, I was and remain freaked out.

There's probably some larger point to be made here about censorship and the U.S. attitudes towards sex at least in the eighties, but I think that would get obscured by the larger point, which is Happy Holidays!
posted by angrycat at 1:20 PM on December 24, 2018 [9 favorites]


I keep making travel arrangements like before I knew I had a chronic illness and knocking myself sideways the next day losing time from the thing I travelled to. And watching what you eat during Christmas is hard, plus being alcohol free for the first time, surrounded by well meaning people who are *shocked!* I still say no to champagne at Christmas!
posted by ellieBOA at 2:44 PM on December 24, 2018 [8 favorites]


Following the events of my last question, not linked to here but related to a sudden and unexpected period of illness involving my husband, I have been swamped by my (generally well-controlled) anxiety. As a result I am now in the middle of a breakdown, having anxiety attacks and sobbing sessions several times a day while making all the right noises to family about Xmas. And after husband's issue, we found out that my dad will have to start dialysis this Thursday - they wanted to start before Xmas but decided to leave it until after the break. It's hard to remember that things are generally ok most of the time when you're just staring into the dark.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 3:00 PM on December 24, 2018 [14 favorites]


This is my second Christmas eve alone, since my mom died and my best friend moved to Texas in the same year. My son is with his dad until after 10 pm.

I thought it would be easier this year, but it's not. I'm just moving thing to thing as quickly as possible to not think about how I feel, but I can almost see the sucking chest wound making me feel gutted.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 3:34 PM on December 24, 2018 [12 favorites]


Damn, y'all, I'm sorry things are so hard. I have a bunch of hugs and condolences and sympathetic looks if anyone wants some. Have a better New Year, my beloved MeFites.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:43 PM on December 24, 2018 [13 favorites]


Due to health issues (cancer chemo etc etc) I'd not watched or used my "big tv" setup in the living room in 2-3 months.

Last night finally decided to hook up the Shield TV that I bought over a month ago.

Found out that either my ex-roommates or a "guest" of theirs absconded with my AppleTV 4. Nothing but a bare HDMI cable sitting where it was. And they lost/stole/whatever the actual TV remote, so its hard to change the input source with the buttons on the back. Sigh. I'm just going to go buy a new TV as a proper new generic remote for this one is $50+.

I got dumped three weeks ago via phone while in bed suffering from chemo side effects, with "I'm not ready to settle down into a relationship". That would have been nice to know, oh, almost six months ago...

My mother passed away in June. I've not talked to my father since 2008. No family left, really.

It's 6pm on Christmas Eve, I'm about to pack up from work, drive home, and.. I dunno.

Nobody to buy presents for, so instead I just made sure that a friend (single mom with five kids) and her children would have a decent Christmas. It's the only difference I can make to anyone anymore.
posted by mrbill at 4:00 PM on December 24, 2018 [51 favorites]


Hugs, my friends. Solstice has passed, the days are getting longer (in the northern hemisphere). We're still keeping on keeping on here, and I'm glad you're all here with me tonight.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 4:07 PM on December 24, 2018 [49 favorites]


It's a hard Christmas for me and I find I can't write the details. Just had movie & coffee with a friend and got loaded up with care and hugs. I feel like my life will be better in 2019. Somehow. Hugs to anyone who needs one. Y'all help me keep it going.
posted by theora55 at 4:30 PM on December 24, 2018 [27 favorites]


I'm having my usual extremely quiet xmas: best friend has communal marriage so is wrapped up with family. Housemates out of town. Brother is in San Francisco on break from sailing south Pacific, visiting his kids and friends. So. I'm so used to being alone I don't mind very much. I think.
posted by MovableBookLady at 5:21 PM on December 24, 2018 [10 favorites]


Just wanted to say, in the spirit of Christmas, fuck Donald Trump
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:14 PM on December 24, 2018 [41 favorites]


Yeah Well im missing my parents a little tonight (Christmas eve in Germany would have been kind of The Thing, and a phone call obligatory. Ahwell.). So im sitting here with wife and inlaws and message pictures to my grown up kids in NL and have an extra sip of wine. Two days ago we were in That Street in Charlottesville and while I looked at the graffiti and flowers and love-each-other stuff, a dude who needed to get past with his stupid car beeped at me. Bwah.
posted by Namlit at 6:22 PM on December 24, 2018 [3 favorites]


I'm fifty and childless (NOT by choice) and partnerless (ditto) and I just want to snap at people. And my cat is getting old.
posted by shiny blue object at 7:11 PM on December 24, 2018 [30 favorites]


This makes the 5th trip home IN A ROW where I’ve gotten sick. I’ve just spent a full week here with a cold turning into a sinus infection and not seeing my friends and family. Again. Why is it I keep spending $800 a pop to fly home??

This also makes 4 colds in 6 months which I think is a little worrisome re: my immune system.

The upside is, I’ve been generally too sick for my Trump-supporting family to argue politics with me.
posted by greermahoney at 7:27 PM on December 24, 2018 [7 favorites]


just checked, in this thread I am bitching about the same things I bitched about at Thanksgiving. except now I also have a cold. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
posted by shiny blue object at 7:37 PM on December 24, 2018 [7 favorites]


My mom just came down with the death flu. My friend that we were hanging out with came down with it yesterday. Coworkers were coming down with it at work. Now I'm just waiting to come down with it too even though I feel fine now. Either that or I am Typhoid Mary.

We are supposed to go visiting/on vacation on Wednesday, but (a) one person at the house has whopping back pain issues and we were told is drugged up the gills, (b) her spouse also has the death flu. We were told it was okay to come anyway as of this morning (I'm still thinking, "Really?" on this....) but now mom just came down with the death flu. (And um, she is really not pleasant to deal with sick. She gets mean and expects me to read her mind and then gets mad.) I am strongly suspecting that we will not have vacation this year, just the fucking death flu for a week.

Christmas is already ruined (it's also pouring out), but eh, Christmas has been ruined for over a decade now so I don't even care about that any more.

Bright side: the power is still on and so are the cable and Internet. I just hope all of that holds out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:51 PM on December 24, 2018 [7 favorites]


Just wanted to say, in the spirit of Christmas, fuck Donald Trump


But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
FUCK DONALD TRUMP TO ALL AND ALL FUCK HIS MOUTHFUL OF SPITE!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:55 PM on December 24, 2018 [9 favorites]


Wait...the Fuckeroo was here?

And I missed him again?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:03 PM on December 24, 2018 [15 favorites]


fucking fuck fuck I fucked up something expensive at work. I think it's fixable but I won't be able to do anything about it til Other People's Celebrating is over.
posted by twoplussix at 10:05 PM on December 24, 2018 [2 favorites]


When it comes down to it, the most perfectly evil thing Donald Trump may have done is to talk on the phone to a seven year old on Christmas Eve and suggest that the appropriateness of his belief in Santa Claus is “marginal.”

That’s grinch-level evil that just makes you shake your head in pity for the fool. I honestly wish sweet baby Donald had people that loved him and hugged him on Christmas when he was a child.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:14 PM on December 24, 2018 [14 favorites]


Damn it! Is this where I can silently scream because I just stubbed my toe on a box my son home from college left in the middle of the frigging hallway. I should wake his ass up and have him move it, but in the spirit of Christmas, I will make him do it when he awakes at noon tomorrow. Fuck if my toe is not throbbing and the nail will turn black in a day or two.

Oh, fuck all politicians, not just the orange one. They're all worthless.
posted by AugustWest at 10:33 PM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]


Fuuuuuuuuuuck. I think my beloved hand me down computer just fucking died. I can't get it to take a charge and it was just working an hour ago. Meh, why does life fucking do this where entropy never seems to let you get ahead and keep nice things?

And I'm pretty obviously catching a cold, which would explain why I'm so seriously fucking cranky.
posted by loquacious at 3:28 AM on December 25, 2018 [6 favorites]


Got my payslip tonight (payday is the 25th, and at least this year, they didn’t fuck up and pay us a day after Christmas), and for the second or third month in a row, my pay is lower than I was supposed to be getting when I took the job. It’s nothing blatantly illegal, it’s all based on working tons of overtime (again, perfectly legal in Japan), and due to the stress of working in this kitchen, and having to be the babysitter of a bunch of malformed idiots, while the real manager just sort of shakes his head and tries to ignore all the problems, I’m not coming in an hour and a half early every day anymore, because I’m just beat. I’m also working side things constantly because the pay just isn’t enough, and Mrs. Ghidorah doesn’t really want to get a full time job, so it’s pretty much all on me.

I asked one of the owners of this place what was going on with my pay, and I mentioned being increasingly uncomfortable with the idea that I don’t know how much longer I can continue at 42 to keep lifting 25kg sacks of flour and working in a 40C kitchen. His response was to call working for him in his kitchen, in his restaurant, “a lifestyle choice” and that “not everyone can do what they want and earn a living.”

His restaurant. He thinks of the people working here as people choosing a lifestyle, rather than trying to make ends meet. It really helped to put into perspective all the tremendous amount of work I’ve done here over the last two years, and the tremendous amount of work I’ve taken on in my off time to make ends meet, with only a vague promise of something better to come. In other words, I’ve been had, and I’m 42, broke, and without any real meaningful, marketable skill. Fuck. Fuck everything.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:58 AM on December 25, 2018 [30 favorites]


Merry Fucking Fuck that Guy, Ghidorah, and, more to say later.
posted by Gotanda at 6:20 AM on December 25, 2018 [7 favorites]


(hugs to all of us that do hugs)

This is minor in the scheme of everything else, thank goodness, but... I was sick on Thanksgiving (so sick, got tested for shigella and salmonella sick), and the end of last week, I spiked a ferocious head cold. I am finishing up the Christmas cooking this morning trying not to cough on anything and bathing in hand sanitizer.

Thanks, 2018. :p
posted by joycehealy at 6:27 AM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]


My mother and grandmother both sent cards for another year, and I'm stuck with the decision about whether I throw them away unread, attempt to read them even though they'll be upsetting just in case by some miracle they've stopped being terrible. It isn't actually going to happen, but apparently every year for Christmas they're going to make me make that choice, and every year I'm going to regret opening them. This year I'm going to regret opening them tomorrow instead of today, and see how that goes.
posted by Sequence at 7:51 AM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]


Sequence...let a friend open them !
posted by mightshould at 7:53 AM on December 25, 2018 [14 favorites]


I am not suffering in the way that many others are, so here's a shout out to mrbill and everyone else suffering from illness or disabilities (anxiety counts, I have it too!). Now that I have acknowledged I don't have any serious problems, I am going to vent anyway.

Many things are making me sad today. I had a wonderful, calm, quiet holiday with my kid and her dad (Swedes celebrate on Christmas Eve) but my good times with the family somehow never stick. Today it feels like that never happened, although it did, and I am just so sad. I am sad not because I haven't had sex with another person for more than a year (although that is kind of a downer) but because I cannot imagine ever getting to cuddle and have non-sexual body contact with anyone in the future.

I miss that stuff fiercely, of course I do. I am not allowed to have a pet, and don't know anyone who has a pet I can borrow. As the grandkids grow up, they are naturally becoming less interested in hugs and sitting on laps, etc. Which is fine, that is how it should be. I just miss touch.

Also, I am angry. My fucking ADHD brain is supposedly not broken according to some schools of thought but it feels pretty damn broken to me. I have an extremely short production cycle this month, and yet I have been avoiding work.

I am trying to do ALL THE THINGS. Letting myself feel sad and angry? Check. Leaving the house for a little exercise and a bit of chat with grocery store stranger I allowed to go ahead of me because he was in an obvious hurry and I was not? Check.

This guy explained (this was all in Swedish) that he had a freezing woman waiting for him, when I asked if he wanted to go ahead, and that she would be grateful. I told him he could let her know that some Americans are nice. He laughed and said that many were, and mentioned that he had just heard some Obama speech on Swedish radio. I said I could not have listened to that, it would make me cry.

Then I felt really sad briefly but then cheered up a bit because apparently talking to strangers still does that. I keep wondering how it is possible that nobody stopped Trump and Co. from putting kids in camps but nobody did. I sure as hell didn't fly to Texas or elsewhere to raise hell even if it landed me in jail. So that makes me feel ashamed as well as sad.

Earlier I read some inspiration porn that had been linked to from AskMe and it was helpful in its way. Now I am sitting in front of my laptop preparing to lock myself out of MetaFilter again with SelfControl so I can force myself to do some work. It might work, it might not. This is what I am telling myself at this moment: Whatever I do is going to hurt. I don't want the discomfort of doing the work I need to do in order to feed and clothe myself. I don't want the discomfort of marinating in the shame and self-loathing that comes from allowing my unruly brain to keep calling the shots by following every distraction that comes along.

Either way, the rest of this day and the coming days are going to be uncomfortable around work, feeling lonely, getting older, winter darkness, etc. There is only one part of this discomfort I have any control over at the moment. When it comes to work, I can either feel the pain that comes from ignoring my work or feel the pain that comes from facing it and ultimately being productive. Whichever pain I choose, it still won't be real pain at all compared to pain of three hernias that It's Raining Florence Henderson is battling. So I hope you feel better soon, ITFH, and that everyone else does as well.

Thank you for letting me vent, angrycat, over stuff that isn't life or death but is vexing nonetheless.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:02 AM on December 25, 2018 [24 favorites]


Well, I do have a thread-appropriate mug that just says FUCK on it, which I have filled full of hot cocoa, marshmallows, and Kahlua, so that's ok.

But

-> My mom was just released from Sloan Kettering, where they "successfully" resectioned her bowels and "got it all" (fingers crossed)

-> My aunt (mom's aunt, so my great-aunt, but we just always called her aunt) died Sunday and I'm not flying back to Jersey for the funeral because AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA $858 for a 12.5-hour, 2-stop flight, no thank you goddamned fucking holiday price gougers (it's usually about 100 mins from Chicago to Newark non-stop, and about $180-$200)

-> My dearest friend and his family are spending the holiday preparing to sue the hospital to which his mom was admitted for a pain in her leg last month, and where she got an IV drip in her hand that almost immediately turned red and hot at the insertion point, and by the time they got her transferred her to a better hospital the MRSA she'd been infected with at the IV insertion point had killed her

-> One of my students' mom decided that having a tutor was "interfering" with her child learning to raise a hand and ask questions in class, so she put a stop to our tutoring instead of, you know, having me encourage her child to ask questions in class when necessary (I'm very good at that), which is a massive drop in my monthly income out of the blue

-> In a conversation with my housemate, something reminded me of my college/post-college boyfriend, who I was with from about 1989-1993. I hadn't thought about him in ages, so I did a "whatever happened to" google and discovered that he died three years ago (47 years old and never a day older, now), leaving behind two teenaged boys and a widow, and I really don't know how I'm feeling about that

-> Donald Trump is the President of the United States.

So, you know.
posted by tzikeh at 11:22 AM on December 25, 2018 [15 favorites]


I don't really have anybody in the way of local friends who'd be really up to my unloading about family stuff in this way, so I finally went ahead and ripped the bandaid off, and it was as unsatisfying as expected but at least now it's done and hopefully I'll be left alone for another few months.
posted by Sequence at 11:25 AM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]


Thanks Bella Donna! But don't minimize your pain. Your pain is every bit as real as anybody else's pain. All I've got is a virtual hug, but it's yours.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:31 AM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]


Thanks, everybody. Sequence, if you are willing to ship the cards to Sweden I am willing to open ‘em for you next time. If that’s too much work, I bet you can find someone here on MetaFilter who is willing to do it for you. Congrats on ripping off the Band-Aid!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:21 PM on December 25, 2018 [4 favorites]


I just dipped out to the garage to vape and let you know my Trumpist family is driving me batshit. Also, there's no alcohol except shitty rosé.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 2:45 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]


It's Christmas night, and my dog is dead and broken, wrapped in a blanket, waiting for dawn burial. He ran out into the road. My daughter watched him get struck, thrown into the bushes across the way. He died, I think, before I could run to him. I also think he heard me at the last, he knew I was with him, something in him understood that Mom was there as he left us. I hate everything. The man who hit him...he turned around, came back, apologized to us, and I asked him if he was ok, even hugged him, because--what a shitty thing to carry, killing a family's beloved pet on Christmas. We have been crying. Then the lull. We made dinner, ate little. Dad and daughter cards at the kitchen table, other kid gaming, and me, I am finishing the bagels I was in the middle of making when it happened. We're sad. We're living. It's awful in some way none of us has words for. I'm dropping things, being inefficient, forgetting where I am in the baking process. Goddammit, he was a good dog.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:09 PM on December 25, 2018 [101 favorites]


Shit.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:34 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]


Oh, I'm so sorry. Take all the hugs.

.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:45 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]


.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:48 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]


.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 5:49 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]


.
posted by Doktor Zed at 6:21 PM on December 25, 2018


(For all the greiving faimilies this season. And thank you, angrycat, for making this thread for us to commiserate.)
posted by Doktor Zed at 6:22 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]


Fuck It - my only teapot has stress fractures, and is developing leaks on the bottom of the pot. It's fuchsia, which is one of my favorite colors in the world.

I got it some 12 years ago; it was a splurge because I thought it was pretty. Then, I had to move and downsize in a hurry, so I put it in storage. I finally rediscovered it this year, and also convinced myself that no - it was worth it to use, despite it being pretty. I don't tend to buy things based on aesthetics very often, but this fuchsia teapot? I fell in love with it instantly. And now it has stress fractures and is leaking.

I know that 1. it's completely minor in the grand scheme of things, and 2. I am in the fortunate place to be able to order a replacement, which I did - a modern, sleek, utilitarian Pyrex beastie that looks like it's a robot, on an Amazon flash sale. It will probably last forever and be perfectly serviceable and make a delicious tea - but it won't be a loud, screaming, completely over the top fuchsia color. (It'll also probably not try to leak my Darjeeling all over the place, either.)

Universe, I will take this as the lesson in impermanence that it is.
posted by spinifex23 at 7:01 PM on December 25, 2018 [8 favorites]


Monkeytoes, I'm so sad and sorry.
posted by theora55 at 7:37 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]


Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died

~~ Leonard Cohen ~~
lyrics from "Everybody Knows" off "I'm Your Man"

I often think of this lyric -- Cohen nailed how deep dog love can get. They give us all they have, dogs are love machines, they're nothing but heart, they give all they can and then give more, then more still.

Monkeytoes, he was lucky to have you for a person. I'm so grateful he heard your voice on his way out, easing him. Thank you so much for being you, for offering forgiveness to that man who was in the wrong place / wrong time -- it's exactly how I have you figured, able to do it and able to do it right on the spot, too, in real time. You're as good as it gets here on Metafilter, a superstar in our firmament.

.
posted by dancestoblue at 8:28 PM on December 25, 2018 [16 favorites]


.
posted by limeonaire at 8:49 PM on December 25, 2018 [1 favorite]


Sending love to everyone.
posted by mochapickle at 10:08 PM on December 25, 2018 [2 favorites]


(looks around topsy-turvy living room, pines for quiet bedroom. Decides to start singing appropriate VU song that, in all honesty, was one of the things leading him astray lo those [25? really? Shit!] many years ago.)

Fuck you Lou Reed.

...

Still like the song tho.

(Notices for the umpteenth time that autocorrect thinks the right word for song is dying.)
posted by aramaic at 11:38 PM on December 25, 2018 [3 favorites]


My bank is fucking up my money and I don't have much of it so it's very stressful. Fuck you, money, and lack thereof!
posted by h00py at 12:13 AM on December 26, 2018 [4 favorites]


Sending love, hugs, handshakes, consolatory fist bumps, whatever works, to whoever wants it. It might take a while to get there since I'm a few continents away, but it'll get there.
I had a bad November and beginning of December over stuff beyond my control, but I seem to have tapped into an unexplained source of positive thoughts/general optimism in the last couple of weeks. I'm treating this... mental state rather gingerly, since who knows how long it will last. But know that I'm sharing it by sending good thoughts to all of you. I love this place and I cherish y'all.
posted by Nieshka at 12:24 AM on December 26, 2018 [5 favorites]


I’ve gotten very sick three times since Thanksgiving. Fevers, aches, stiff neck, various flu like symptoms. But no health insurance, so I don’t know what’s going on. I thought two times was enough, but after a long week at my retail job, I started getting sick again Saturday night, and I’m still sick now.

I didn’t realize until I went to bed how deeply upsetting the last three says have been. I’ve been so sick and out of it, on top of which I’ve been alone. I couldn’t even clean the kitchen, and there are flies everywhere. I go back to work tomorrow morning and I still feel like hell, but I’ve already called in sick too many times.

I quit my office job after having a breakdown three months ago. It seems like I’m only capable of handling this dead end retail job, and even then I seem to be struggling. I’m in so much debt. I still can’t imagine a future for myself where things work out. It seems like everything is more than I can handle.

This is more than I usually share online, but I’ve been cooped up in here for days.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 2:13 AM on December 26, 2018 [25 favorites]


Oh shapes that haunt the dusk, I am so sorry to hear that. It sounds really really hard. Way harder than any of us should have to deal with.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:34 AM on December 26, 2018 [4 favorites]


Also, if you are still in California, the California open enrollment period for health insurance ends January 15th. PM me if you want or need help to enroll in the program. I went without health insurance for several years and it was a huge relief when I was able to get some after Obamacare passed. Before I had health insurance, I went to the Berkeley free clinic a few times. That may not be a good option for a working stiff because the hours are so limited. I really want you to have the healthcare you need; please give me a shout if I can help.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:41 AM on December 26, 2018 [9 favorites]


I don't understand the moderation policy in the main thread anymore, apparently. But I'm still here and still grateful for all of you.
posted by snuffleupagus at 3:07 AM on December 26, 2018 [3 favorites]


The film Vice included a lot of television footage of the WTC on 9/11, which I did not need to see on the big screen. Fucking hell.
posted by Doktor Zed at 4:16 AM on December 26, 2018 [3 favorites]


Not one single person at family holiday used the right gender or right name. I enjoyed it but still just felt like a knife to the gut despite expecting it. So fuck that and the complicated feelings that arose. As well as being the only single queer poverty level person in a family that shows love through gifts sucks and there was nothing my celiac self could eat all evening. Minor things in the face of the shit show in the world but just left me feeling more alone.
posted by kanata at 6:58 AM on December 26, 2018 [30 favorites]


Oh, MonkeyToes, I am so, so sorry.

I am so sorry kanata for being misgendered and deadnamed. That sucks ass.

shapes that haunt the dusk, it sucks to be sick so much and dealing with mental health on top of it.

Sending love out to all my fellow mefites. Here's to a better, healthier, happier 2019.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:12 AM on December 26, 2018 [10 favorites]


Stoneshop and I are sitting in the lobby of a rehab center for the elderly. We were driving here for a visit to a parent and on the way, we were called and informed that they had passed away.
Now we're waiting for other family members to arrive. It'll be another hour and a half or so. This sucks.
posted by Too-Ticky at 8:09 AM on December 26, 2018 [30 favorites]


You were all here for me when I was in a spiral at Thanksgiving. Sending you so much love. Memail me if you want to let it out some more.
posted by wellred at 8:10 AM on December 26, 2018 [9 favorites]


I do want to mention since I forgot that I had some very awesome people earlier this year help me, between a GoFundMe I needed to do because a previous job fucked me over and my bank account got emptied of rent money, and then some people here also sent me some money (which went to food and the phone bill). So I know there are some really great people out there and I treasure their kindness.
posted by mephron at 8:15 AM on December 26, 2018 [7 favorites]


This is a relatively small fuck in the grand scheme of things, but I found out on Christmas that some colossal dick had used my debit card number and PayPal account to gouge me for almost £300 of Apple AirPods.

One of the two transactions has already been refunded, and the other one is in the works, but I've had to cancel my debit card, remove all the cards from my PayPal account, change my PayPal password...and now the only way I can get cash out until I get a new card is to actually go into the bank branch like some kind of medieval peasant.

Small thing. Incredibly annoying inconvenience at worst. Still...fuck.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 9:09 AM on December 26, 2018 [5 favorites]


Sending hugs/hand squeezes/pats on the back/arms around the shoulders to all who want and/or need them. Holidays can be really hard and can make tough times tougher.
Please do not let anyone shame you for feeling the way you feel. Please reach out for help if you need it— or reach out to get help to get help.
posted by bookmammal at 9:37 AM on December 26, 2018 [3 favorites]


Hugs and good thoughts to everyone. I am so sorry for your loss, for families that don't treat you as they should, for the sicknesses and illnesses.
posted by needlegrrl at 9:59 AM on December 26, 2018 [3 favorites]


As I mentioned elsewhere, I realized last night that I'd forgotten to take my Cymbalta and my last dose was at the very least on Friday night. Which, in addition to Christmas, explains the ramping anxiety, lack of concentration, constant nausea, headaches, vertigo, light-headedness, panic, mood swings, insomnia but also sleepiness, and lord knows what else. Christmas was all right, but I ended up dropping the ball on a lot of things and have stacks and stacks of chores and tasks piled up now, and I will be out of town all weekend.

I was feeling better this morning, until I got to work and almost immediately they brought in a hanger. Which dredged up all sorts of shitty emotions about the friends I've lost to suicide and reminded me that the 17th anniversary of my dad's death is Friday. And then I made the mistake of looking up the patient we lost, but I misheard the name and thought it was a guy who'd been down since age 18 and was lamenting the senseless loss of life and the school to prison pipeline and was so upset I was seriously considering going home...

...until I found out the correct name, realized who the patient was and remembered why he was here, had some thoughts I'm too ashamed of to share here, and then reapplied my mascara and got on with my life.

So fuck the past few days, fuck my brain chemistry, fuck the extreme emotional whiplash I've experienced today, and fuck me for being a judgemental asshole.
posted by elsietheeel at 10:00 AM on December 26, 2018 [13 favorites]


I don't do prayers (anymore), but one of my favorite meditations involves breathing in hurt from others and turning it into love. I'll be meditating on all of you hurting, including MonkeyToes, Slarty Bartfast, Sequence [I will totally read your cards and tell you if you should], and so many more.

I've had a rough year and I'm learning to let a lot of it go and rejoice in what I can. I wish for peace for all of you.
posted by freezer cake at 10:04 AM on December 26, 2018 [11 favorites]


We are house-sitting for the in-laws, for ten very long drawn-out days. We're not getting paid, which doesn't really bother me that much, but it just feels like me and the beau are being taken advantage of because he works retail and gets exactly one day off for Christmas. (I would never ask someone to do this kind of favor for me, not even family, which is why I think I'm so horrified by this.)

Their house is in a subdivision, which is kind of my personal version of hell? Plus the benefits of a longer commute to my job, it being not near any of my usual haunts, or pretty much any of my friends. They also buy all of the smelly soaps that twig my allergies, so my hands are covered in an icky rash, I'm sneezing, and they didn't bother to clean out their fridge before leaving (and it's all starting to GO BAD), so there's a no room in the fridge for any of my actual groceries. And yet, somehow, they didn't bother to buy more dishwasher soap or toilet paper before they left. Y'know, stuff that people sitting in your house might actually expect to find around.

Presumably, we're housesitting because of their elderly dog, who can't spend ten days in boarding, but I'm also like, hey. IF YOU WANT TO TRAVEL FOR TEN DAYS AND YOUR ELDERLY DOG CAN'T BE IN A BOARDING SITUATION, THEN YOU DON'T TRAVEL FOR TEN DAYS. (Or you HIRE a pet sitter at the standard going rate, god damn it. Stop taking advantage of your son and his partner who are not children but adults with their own lives.)
posted by PearlRose at 10:15 AM on December 26, 2018 [11 favorites]


it was a first: spent christmas eve and day alone. parents have died, no asshole brothers making racist "jokes", no drunken sister-in-law declaring her disdain for everything just before she faceplants to the floor. in a few short minutes my grandchildren arrive so this is shaping up to be a great christmas for once!
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 11:02 AM on December 26, 2018 [32 favorites]


I am grateful for this space where everyone can be real about shit that's happening and not try to put on a pleasant holiday face. My work is both overwhelming and sad at the moment, as hard as I have tried to do this difficult thing and as much progress as I've made, I still feel like a failure. Also my anxiety is off the charts today.
posted by mai at 12:12 PM on December 26, 2018 [11 favorites]


Agreed—feeling obligated to be “up” all the time during the holidays is beyond exhausting. You are NOT a failure for feeling the way you feel! Please try to remember that you are under no obligation to match someone else’s mood.
posted by bookmammal at 12:18 PM on December 26, 2018 [10 favorites]


Man, 2019 isn't really worth it.
posted by Freeze Peach at 12:19 PM on December 26, 2018 [2 favorites]


I definitely have a cold.

I also realized yesterday why I was so cranky above and beyond having a cold, because I was totally burying it.

I miss my community space and last job. It finally dawned on me that that was where I would have been for Christmas, like the last few years. I'd be there cooking food for cold and hungry people.
posted by loquacious at 1:01 PM on December 26, 2018 [7 favorites]


I am so so sorry MonkeyToes
posted by daybeforetheday at 2:15 PM on December 26, 2018 [2 favorites]


If you are a rich person, please do the world a favor for Christmas and hug your fucking sons once in a while, would you? Because when you don't... holy fuck, do they grow up to make trouble.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 2:20 PM on December 26, 2018 [14 favorites]


Fuck Biden.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 2:57 PM on December 26, 2018 [3 favorites]


Condolences, Too-Ticky. That's a terrible way to learn of a parent's death.

.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:59 PM on December 26, 2018 [3 favorites]


56 is the wrong fucking age to consider a career change.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:33 PM on December 26, 2018 [4 favorites]


JESUS FUCK

I did a project last spring and summer that involved processing about $20k in donations (think Burning Man art project type thing). We ran it through my bank account. Someone in our volunteer group volunteered to handle the process of doing an IRS 501(c)3 application (there's a simplified format for small groups, and what we were doing fit in perfectly into this newish category of small nonprofits). I was assured that should be fine as far as my tax liability goes since it should be retroactive. Expected time frame for processing the application is just a few weeks, the IRS just created this 'small organization ' category to make paperwork easier for groups like us.


I've had the sinking feeling that the someone never actually filed any of the paperwork, as the questions he asked me were more than a little wrong and he was somewhat evasive back in the summer when two of us in the group tried to get followup from him about the state of the application.

I decided to ask about it again since it's nearly the end of the fiscal year.

Just learned he decided we didn't need to form a 501(c)3 to do what we were doing, because "you don't need that for under $5k in income" (we actually processed, and expected from the very beginning to process, at least $20k), AND HE DIDN'T TELL ANYONE.


I FUCKING HATE THE BAY AREA SOMETIMES. I want to run a panel discussion on project failure sometime soon. This sort of level of epic failure in volunteer groups has happened to several different groups I know recently.
posted by twoplussix at 6:43 PM on December 26, 2018 [14 favorites]


It is like FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to convey the level of flakery that sometimes happens in this town. We are a freaking stereotype of ourselves here in California sometimes.
posted by twoplussix at 7:00 PM on December 26, 2018 [2 favorites]


My previous top endometriosis surgeon apparently moved to another state. I only found out because their fucking number was disconnected even though the website is still up and I then found a press release from JANUARY! So now I have a hysterectomy consult with my regular GYN (I'm sure he'll be fine, but I would prefer a surgeon who has already done surgery on me.)

So now in two weeks I'm doing a consult, but then I'll have to wait probably another 2 weeks for a fucking insurance authorization because healthcare sucks. All while I'm sitting here in horrible pain with a giant endo belly, 50+ days since my last period, still all fucked up from trying the mini pill for 3 months - including my hair still shedding, and just wanting to rip the damn thing out myself.

Granted, 1 to 2 months is still a fast track but it doesn't feel like it right now. Oh, and my husband has sleep apnea and we're trying to do a bunch of tests for him and figure out when/if HE needs surgery. It's a lot right now.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:15 PM on December 26, 2018 [8 favorites]


I am having a hip replacement in February (postponed because of other health stuff from last year) and made the mistake of watching the "So you're having a hip replacement?" video ...

FWIW, my 80 year old mother had a hip replacement this summer and she was up and walking a day or two after the surgery. And by now she’s recovered a degree of mobility that she had really lacked for several years before.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:46 PM on December 26, 2018 [4 favorites]


I just wish people would stop referring to it as "mainstream media" and start using something more appropriate like "corporate media". I would even settle for broad and generic terms like "mass media", but these clown cars who decided to answer their dwindling television viewership by abandoning journalistic integrity and attempting to turn very real issues with very real consequences into some kind of entertainment program are anything but "mainstream" anymore, and they can fuck off straight to hell.
posted by Arson Lupine at 8:13 PM on December 26, 2018 [5 favorites]


I spent three days in a psych ward last week (voluntarily; PTSD stuff had been getting overwhelming and sending me into some suicidal ideation). The medication changes that were made while I was there worked for a week (first time free from intrusive PTSD thoughts in months!) but now a week after discharge they’re starting to creep back in.

I knew it was likely that more medication adjustment would be needed, but feeling this way for even one more minute is so awful. I’ve been in pretty frequent mental anguish since September (and from September 2017 through about April) and it just hurts so so much to still not be better.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:25 PM on December 26, 2018 [48 favorites]


Good on you for taking care of yourself ocherado. I know how hard that can be and how painful it is to have that pain and anguish hang around. Anytime you want someone who has been there listen know that i'm here for you. Even if you just want a distraction i'm happy to send you puppo photos or discuss succulent care. I'm in awe of your skills there btw.
posted by kanata at 3:18 AM on December 27, 2018 [6 favorites]


To ocherdraco and everyone else who is bravely reaching out for help when needed—this internet stranger is very proud of you. It’s not easy, and somehow asking for help near the holidays is harder.
Sending positive thoughts to you across the internet...you really can do this.
posted by bookmammal at 4:09 AM on December 27, 2018 [15 favorites]


Hugs ocherdraco and everyone else who would like one.
posted by ellieBOA at 5:27 AM on December 27, 2018 [8 favorites]


Hugs, ocherdracho. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable with us.
posted by loquacious at 9:20 AM on December 27, 2018 [4 favorites]


A friend's father died on Christmas Day. He was in hospice, it was expected, but I am sad for his family.

Thinking of all of you today.
posted by MichelleinMD at 10:10 AM on December 27, 2018 [6 favorites]


We had two days with my family, and then two days with my husband's family before returning to my house, where my parents are still hanging out with my sister. Before leaving the house to go to work this morning, I received, in roughly half an hour from my parents:

- Criticism for my coat being dirty
- Criticism for my hair being insufficiently brushed
- General criticism of my parenting
- Specific criticism that we don't use corporal punishment on our TWO AND A HALF YEAR OLD CHILD
- Criticism that my husband gets sick
- Criticism that my child gets sick
- Criticism as to the state of the third floor bedroom that my husband and I use
- Criticism that we use a cleaning service
- Criticism that the house doesn't stay clean when we use a cleaning service
- A statement that the messiness of the third floor bedroom is responsible for my husband getting sick all the time and NOT YOU KNOW THE FACT THAT HE HAD AN AGGRESSIVE LYMPHOMA THREE YEARS AGO THAT NEEDED TO BE TREATED WITH SIX ROUNDS CHEMO FOLLOWED BY A MONTH OF RADIATION
- Relitigation of a fight (because nothing with my father is ever a discussion) that we had last night as to what American society defines as "working class."

While, for the record, my husband was lying in bed having been unable to eat dinner last night and my kid was running a fever and my dad had to LEAVE THE ROOM to CONTROL HIS ANNOYANCE that my toddler did not want to be touched or held by anybody except mommy while he was feeling cruddy and dad wasn't available, and I had to suck it all up because GUESS WHO IS MY EMERGENCY CHILD CARE WHEN MY HUSBAND IS, ONCE AGAIN, SICK

#$(*P@UPOWIUFPSDKLJP#L*%PEOIJF
posted by joyceanmachine at 10:45 AM on December 27, 2018 [56 favorites]


♡ and {} all around.
posted by theora55 at 10:59 AM on December 27, 2018 [7 favorites]


Jesus Joyceanmachine, that sounds horrific, letalone having to suck it all up.
I hope things clear up (and the unhelpful family clear off) soon.
posted by RandomInconsistencies at 11:51 AM on December 27, 2018 [1 favorite]


Send them a link to how to be a good house guest.
posted by AugustWest at 12:03 PM on December 27, 2018 [1 favorite]


We had to put the cat down somewhat unexpectedly the Friday before Christmas. Nikki was 18 and started declining only over the prior week or so. She'd been with me for the past 14 years, and she's been the dearest of friends, comforting me through abusive relationships and the deaths of my mother, a best friend, my aunt, and my grandmother. When I moved cross-country a couple years ago, I drove because I didn't know how well she'd deal with flying -- I don't know that there are many humans I'd do that for, if any. I loved her dearly. Now our home is sad, quiet, and empty-feeling.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 12:04 PM on December 27, 2018 [27 favorites]


joyceanmachine, I can't even. Oh my golly, I am so sorry to hear that. Condolences on the loss of your friend, The Great Big Mulp. That sounds really hard. Hugs to you and all our fellow sufferers no matter the malady, which may simply be life itself. I am still not working. Going to listen to something soothing, go to bed, and hope for a better tomorrow for all of us.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:20 PM on December 27, 2018 [5 favorites]


Come the fuck on.
posted by Barack Spinoza at 2:50 PM on December 27, 2018


As per our discussion on wishlists, I have an ongoing Amazon wishlist several pages long full of books and things I’d like. Which the family has. What I got included:

A very used Bill O’Reilly book (but you like World War 2!)
A copy of Dog The Bounty Hunter’s autobiography (this one I don’t have an explanation for)
Two hoodies that were polyester (I can’t wear polyester)
Weird snacks from the dollar store judging by the half-assedly removed tags

For contrast, my sister got:

A very nice and expensive vacuum cleaner
A very plush and luxurious robe
Very plush and comfy slippers

Which she promptly left at my mom’s house because she couldn’t even be arsed to bring them out to her car, so my mom is going to drive it all over to her.

Merry Christmas!
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 2:55 PM on December 27, 2018 [25 favorites]


Got into a fight with my dad just now. I try so hard. So very very hard. Cause he's family. But he acts like his political choices don't reflect on him as a person. But people's choices say a whole lot about who they are. I can't look at him the same. I'm disgusted to be related to him at this point. I can't look at him and see the guy who raised me anywhere in there anymore. He's just a bitter old dentist with a new wife barely five years older than me who pretends he's still a decent person. But that man is gone.
posted by downtohisturtles at 3:40 PM on December 27, 2018 [14 favorites]


My plan for dealing with xmas this year was to pretend that it didn't exist. So a Jewish friend and I went to the desert and spent the 25th hiking around in Joshua Tree and only saw about 10 people the whole day, only one of whom wished us a merry christmas. My friend was exceptionally good at dealing with the fact that I cry a lot. Sometimes predictably -- we listened to Hamilton and yes "Quiet Uptown" had me pulling the car over to sob -- and sometimes just kind of randomly.

I miss rtha like fucking crazy all the fucking time and there's nothing I can fucking do about it. This fucking sucks.

I can't avoid holidays forever, but skipping xmas was the right thing to do and I may do something similar for NYE.
posted by gingerbeer at 4:37 PM on December 27, 2018 [91 favorites]


Holy shit. Condolences to everyone. This holiday went pretty well for us except for normal traffic shenanigans during the 12 hour drive. If anyone near NE Florida needs a hug I'm here for ya, I'll buy beers on the beach if that works for you. Ditto if you are just passing thru.
posted by RolandOfEld at 5:05 PM on December 27, 2018 [2 favorites]


I had a close friend of 12 years suddenly end our friendship via email. She is refusing to even meet with me. I don't have that many close friends, and so am ending the year on a despairing note.
posted by obliquity of the ecliptic at 5:26 PM on December 27, 2018 [9 favorites]


What a weird fucking mefi xmas :/
posted by Barack Spinoza at 5:32 PM on December 27, 2018 [6 favorites]


((((♥everyone))))
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 5:33 PM on December 27, 2018 [8 favorites]


obliquity of the ecliptic, that happened to me not too long ago, except via text. I am so sorry. It's an awful, awful thing to do, and really hard to take.
posted by umbú at 7:55 PM on December 27, 2018 [5 favorites]


Thanks for kind words and giving me a place to vent.

I should be in bed, but I was thinking about it, and I just need to publicly shout an enormous FUCK YOU to my former therapist. About a year into our therapy I said "I'm not sure this is helping me as much as another approach would." His response was "well, but don't you have a history of quitting before you finish things?" He insisted that I was on the verge of a breakthrough. So I stuck with him for another year. No breakthrough ever came. When I went to quit for good, he reiterated that I had a history of quitting before I finish things.

Fuck you, dude! I finished my degree seven months later, so maybe the problem with our therapy wasn't my failure to see things through, motherfucker. Two years of time (1-2 hour-long sessions, plus transit time) and money ($15 copay per session, weekly) wasted, without even being given enough agency to decide whether it was working for me or not.

My mental health has totally gone of the rails in the last six months. On the one hand I don't want to be untreated forever, but on the other hand, I don't have the time or money to waste on that kind of bullshit. I now have approximately zero faith in therapy, so woo, good work, guy, guess there was a breakthrough after all.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 2:44 AM on December 28, 2018 [14 favorites]


53 years ago on a hot muggy Christmas Eve me and a few of my buds got tossed out of a Bob Hope christmas show--we wore muddy fatigues, because we just got off a helicopter, after a week of camping out courtesy of the army. Lizard-eyed fucker watched our eviction from the stage and said nothing. Fuck him. A week later Ann Margaret performed for us from a small tent in the middle of no-fucking-where. Only a few guys at a time attended, but she and Johnny Rivers kicked ass in the hot sun all afternoon, and I thought they both were going to pass out from heat exhaustion, but no, she kept on belting out the songs, while Rivers and his drummer rocked. Loved her; fell in love with her that day, and Rivers, too. They didn't mind my muddy fatigues. Fuck Bob Hope, then.

I never did Christmas well, even back then, and it just got worse over the years. Humbug. Oh, Let the season hurry past me. I would hold my breath if I could. Oh joy, the doc just notified me of an appointment for a hip-replacement procedure--next month, in the new year. I wish I was making this shit up. Standing on the corner of ohjoy and humbug. Inertia is my friend now.

Good news is that things pic up at Ostara. I can wait. Time to change guitar strings, and chase dust bunnies out from under my bed. Cya.
posted by mule98J at 7:22 AM on December 28, 2018 [28 favorites]


My dad died 17 years ago today. His mom died in 1999. His dad died in 2005. His eldest brother died in 2005. Eldest brother's daughter died in 2013. His middle brother died in 2015. His sister died in 2013. My entire paternal side of the family is gone. For the past few days my brain has been totally consumed by thoughts of death and loss and family and suicide (of others, not thinking about it for myself!) and shit just feels really bleak and sad right now and I fucking hate it.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:34 AM on December 28, 2018 [14 favorites]


I have been strict no contact with my abusive cluster B personality disordered mother since August 2013. I don't answer the phone, and I throw away the cards and packages, usually without opening them. In fact I moved 9 months ago and she doesn't know my new address. I deleted her as a contact on my phone so that I won't see her name, but I haven't blocked her numbers in case she's ever imminently dying or otherwise experiencing an emergency and it feels right for me to show up. I occasionally listen to her voicemails, which unfailingly contain no reference whatsoever to the fact that we haven't spoken, that things aren't normal, that she's abusive, that she knows exactly what she did to cause this latest rift, or that she's aware of criteria for my speaking to her again (she is).

She called twice on Christmas night--both times after when she's well aware that I would have been asleep--and a left a message one of those times. She once again psychopathically, forcibly inserted human-like emotion into her "MERRY CHRISTMAS! I LOVE YOU! I'll call back... again" voicemail. She was acting. She's a terrible actor.

She is my adoptive mother. She was born with MRKH syndrome, so always knew she'd not only never bear children, but would never have a normal sex life. She developed what we would now call PTSD after medical treatments/surgeries as a child and teen. She has never worked. It's fair to say her entire life centered on how her adopted children and her immaculately decorated, museum-like home would be a reflection of her worth.

She has been diagnosed variably with bipolar, borderline, narcissism. She refuses treatment or medication. When we were in contact she regularly threatened suicide for attention. She doesn't eat often, preferring a cabinet full of "supplements." She spends tends of thousands of dollars a year on quackery. She trespasses on other people's private property "just to see how they live" when she's bored. She has been divorced from my father for more than 25 years. Out of all her family of origin, only the wife of one cousin still speaks to her. Her only friend is her former therapist. (Don't get me started.) She lives alone in a 5000sf house on 5 acres. No one ever visits except for paid service providers, plus once a year, my nephew. Who she always "forgets" to buy food for. He's 10. My brother is schizophrenic and relies on her for financial support.

My life has been remarkably low on stress and anxiety since I made the decision to go no contact in 2013. Like, really, really good. But one voicemail from her at the wrong time can still put me on the precipice between calm and depression. I'm 49. She is 78. I just want her to disappear. I feel empathy for her having been through so much--in fact I couldn't develop this empathy until I stopped talking to her and got some distance. But I do not feel obligated to withstand her abuse while she refuses to do anything to make herself feel better. I will not miss her when she dies. Which I hope is sooner rather than later.

Hugs to all of you. And fuck Trump.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 10:16 AM on December 28, 2018 [24 favorites]


qft: I feel empathy for her having been through so much--in fact I couldn't develop this empathy until I stopped talking to her and got some distance. But I do not feel obligated to withstand her abuse while she refuses to do anything to make herself feel better.
I am in this situation with someone, and this is exactly correct. Hugs and fuck the lying liar in the White House.
posted by theora55 at 10:22 AM on December 28, 2018 [9 favorites]


Well, I had a pretty good Christmas, and it went pretty well, but "pretty well" is only within the context of what I had expected to happen, versus what did. I went up to Chicago to spend Christmas with an aunt and uncle with whom I'd lived during my high school years. Two of my sisters also made plans to go up there, staying in a motel. One of those sisters is the one who has had a pattern for many years of making plans to do stuff with her siblings and others, insisting on making all the arrangements (i.e. reservations in her name), and then cancelling out at the last minute on various pretexts. I think that she's realized that she's in danger of losing the very few relationships that she's got left--I will no longer make plans with her that require any particular commitment of time or money, after being burned several times--and has started to acknowledge that and take steps to correct that. Nevertheless, when I came to pick her and my other sister up to go out to my cousin's place in the suburbs for present-opening and brunch, only she came down, saying that she wanted time alone with me, so she unilaterally decided that my other sister could ride with my aunt and uncle, who had no idea of my sister's literally last-minute change of plans and were already well on their way. Luckily, I realized that this was J- once again manifesting her control issues, and went back for K- myself. So that worked out OK in the end.

Next day, the aunt and uncle took off to visit with other relatives, and I made plans to spend some time with high school friends--including one whom I hadn't seen in at least 25 years--in Wicker Park, and I parked on the street near the eastern edge of the neighborhood. I had a great visit with them, catching up and reminiscing, but when I got back to my car... someone had broken out the front passenger side window and grabbed my suitcase. My friends were very helpful with suggestions, I got back home OK, and have been dealing with the aftermath (replacing things, locking my iPad remotely, insurance, replacing the window, etc.), and I made a point of going to an AA meeting last night to affirm my attitude of gratitude for being at a place in my life now where I not only have the financial ability to replace what I lost, but the degree of serenity where I could face the loss and sense of violation without drinking. Still kind of pissed off, though.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:10 AM on December 28, 2018 [28 favorites]


My sister's wonderful seven year old spaniel mix dog was diagnosed with untreatable stomach cancer today. She and her husband are devastated.
posted by octothorpe at 6:55 PM on December 28, 2018 [6 favorites]


I had been mildly depressed that I was holding off on visiting home until mid-January for various reasons. Then I got some awful stomach virus Christmas Eve/day. Seriously, I spent about 8 hours expelling everything from my body. And then another 4 making absolutely sure everything had been expelled. I'm still tired and unconvinced that I've retained all of my organs.

And NOW I need to move up my trip home to immediately, because grandpa took a dramatic turn for the worse. I guess I should thank some mildly considerate but mostly indifferent deity that I got the flu then rather than now, so I can actually get on a train tomorrow without starting a pandemic.

But farts. Just sulfury, burning farts all around.
posted by ghost phoneme at 7:11 PM on December 28, 2018 [6 favorites]


Ghost Phoneme- same exact thing! Spent Christmas Day spewing my guts out, and the next two days recovering. Mrs Lazarus and the both wee ones also had the pleasure, but theirs only lasted a few hours- I got the better part of three days lost when you count in the general weakness afterwards. Worst Christmas ever.
posted by triage_lazarus at 9:57 PM on December 28, 2018 [2 favorites]


Fuckery upon fuckery. I had to work Christmas eve night and then spend most of Christmas day sleeping instead of spending time with family. Half my gifts for people didn’t show up til after Christmas. I feel low and impatient and irritable and unmotivated all the time. I’m mentally and emotionally checked out or else pissy and self pitying.

I’ve had a string of shitty horrible traumatic shifts lately to the point that after one I went home and cried through dinner, polished off a bottle of wine, and fell asleep watching tv on the sofa. I’ve only ever worked in really high acuity areas in the hospital. I’ve never worked at a relaxed job like in a doctors office or in occupational health or whatever. I’ve usually coped pretty well with the emotional toll that comes from working with really sick people but lately I’m just not coping at all. I leave work depressed and go to work burned out and numb.

I’m still so moved by the love that people have for each other and the connections they make that endure through sickness and beyond death. But I’m sick of watching people die. I don’t want to do it anymore man. For the first time in my adult life I feel like I’m becoming a bit of a nihilist. I put the peeps in the chili pot and eat them all up. Time for a change I think. That’s all I can do.

And fuck Trump forever.
posted by supercrayon at 2:51 AM on December 29, 2018 [21 favorites]


You know, I've been thinking we should let Trump have his wall. We'll pay for it. With the terms I'm thinking of we could even get Mexico to agree to pay for it.

He just has to build the whole damn thing himself.
posted by loquacious at 3:50 AM on December 29, 2018 [6 favorites]


I hate my job! I hate my supervisor! I cannot get a new one!
posted by ChuraChura at 9:49 AM on December 29, 2018 [17 favorites]


Things are, generally speaking (*knock on wood*), pretty good with me and mine, but I just helped escort a guy out of the library I work at who was yelling and screaming at a colleague, abuse which escalated to death threats and punches thrown in her direction (but out of range). This sort of thing (and worse) is becoming almost a daily occurrence here and in many other libraries, and it's not a trend that is likely to reverse as social services for the homeless and mentally ill continue to get slashed in the name of austerity.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:29 PM on December 29, 2018 [6 favorites]


Holidays are fun times with the family. My dad has decided the solution to our current political leadership is the, um, what the NRA describes as a 2nd amendment solution.

But the irony is that he's being particularly Trumpy about it. He first said it loudly over christmas dinner and we all chided him for that. So now he keeps saying it without actually saying it and just hinting at it with a certain built-in deniability, pushing boundaries of wisdom and good taste. And he's acting like it's some novel idea that nobody else has ever thought up and he just has to share it over and over. I can't imagine he has much restraint with his dog walking buddies on this new exciting idea of his.

This afternoon when it came up, again, I had a sotto voce conversation with mom about what she's going to do when the men in suits come by to have a talk with dad. Fun times.
posted by peeedro at 5:39 PM on December 29, 2018 [3 favorites]


Welp, my mom and I fought all day yesterday and now her toilet doesn't work and she won't call a plumber because she's a hoarder. I haven't wanted to go home to my icky real life and deal with that drama early, but now I'm going to have to.

This shit is just ridiculous and she's so mentally off on this level that she can't see/acknowledge this. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:32 AM on December 30, 2018 [4 favorites]


I can't get over this fucking cold, all I want to do is sleep, but fucking work keeps demanding I work from my sickbed. This was my first post-divorce Xmas but honestly that part wasn't too bad.

Still recovering from an emergency move after a fire next door made my last apartment uninhabitable.

I'm just so tired and life won't let me alone.
posted by emjaybee at 12:48 PM on December 30, 2018 [9 favorites]


GOP machine: Of course it's not a literal, border-spanning physical wall. Obviously that would be stupid. It's just a figurative thing, indicating our increased focus on border security.

Trump: I am talking about a literal, physical wall. Probably concrete.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:11 AM on December 31, 2018 [1 favorite]


Also: Louis CK trying out additional strain of assholery, mocks Parkland shooting survivors. Maybe he just figures he can carve out a Dennis Miller or Bill Maher "contrarian firebrand" niche now? Jesus.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:09 AM on December 31, 2018 [2 favorites]


octothorpe: "My sister's wonderful seven year old spaniel mix dog was diagnosed with untreatable stomach cancer today. She and her husband are devastated."

Dear Roscoe died only two days after being diagnosed. Truly the sweetest dog I've ever met. My brother-in-law is just so crushed; he's retired and he and Roscoe were constant companions, I'm so sad for him.
posted by octothorpe at 7:56 AM on December 31, 2018 [9 favorites]


He was a good dog, ectothorpe.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 8:29 AM on December 31, 2018 [4 favorites]


Happy fucking new year.
posted by Barack Spinoza at 7:06 PM on December 31, 2018 [1 favorite]


Ms. PixieCat’s mom’s cancer is a) no longer responding to chemo, b) not responding at all to radiation therapy, and c) rooted in too many vital organs to be surgically removed. So now it’s just a question of comfort and quality of life until the end. She’s hanging on, but everything is a question mark. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
posted by tantrumthecat at 7:32 PM on December 31, 2018 [4 favorites]


I am ending the New Year with tension headache. Fanfuckingtastic.
posted by joycehealy at 7:49 PM on December 31, 2018 [1 favorite]


Child went through a roll of tp earlier. Happy New Years and a clogged drain; and for the bonus: Plunger activity blew out toilet ring. Hooray children! Happy 2019! Woooo January 1st trip to the hardware store! Woooooo!!!!!
posted by Afghan Stan at 8:19 PM on December 31, 2018 [2 favorites]


You know who you are & why you should feel bad. ⭕️ #2019
posted by Barack Spinoza at 9:39 PM on December 31, 2018


Eat shit, 2018.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 10:20 PM on December 31, 2018 [14 favorites]


I still, on some level, just cannot believe this is happening.
posted by dogheart at 2:37 PM on January 1 [10 favorites]


Me, to myself while driving to work for my first day back after that holiday: You can do it, DOT. 2019 is going to be your year. It's going to be a year of success and making good decisions and things breaking your way. I know you have a lot of anxiety, but you are not doomed. The world is not out to get you. Good things are going to happen for you and--

The Universe: LOL, WHATEVER. Here are some police sirens and you are going to get a ticket now.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:21 AM on January 2 [11 favorites]


Fucking fuck.

I spent 4 days at a retreat organized by my 12-step fellowship. I made some amazing new friends and connected with other folks struggling with the same process-based addiction that I have.

And then I got home last night, and got a call from one of those new friends. And they don't think they can actually be my friend right now because I fit quite neatly into their type and they think that communicating with me, right now, will trigger them to keep acting out in their own addictive behaviors.

I very much want my new friend to be sane and sober and healthy, and I will give up contact with them if it helps them achieve those things, but GODS FUCKING DAMMIT it would be nice to be able to have nice things.
posted by hanov3r at 8:23 AM on January 2 [8 favorites]


I've just been "I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationshipped" by the two people I was casually dating, one day after another! I don't feel particularly hideous and unloveable, so maybe it's just coincidence, but dammit and argh!
posted by ChuraChura at 10:19 AM on January 2 [11 favorites]


I’m used to having to take my pants off for the TSA about 60% of the time I fly, but they’ve gone too far now. My wife was taking our kids through security and the assholes pulled my nine year old daughter away from her mother in order to scrutinize the cast on her broken wrist. She was scared and confused and separated from her mom and it is not fucking okay. She’s still shaking an hour later.

I hate what these assholes are turning my country into.
posted by nickmark at 12:20 PM on January 2 [10 favorites]


We had to put our sweet lady cat down a week before Christmas, only 4 days after learning what was actually wrong with her. Her decline was so quick and sudden and unexpected that we still kind of feel like it's a bad dream.

At the same time, I have spent the past two years telling every damn vet in the city SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS CAT and somewhere buried deep is a lot of rage that none of them ever took me seriously until she was literally starving herself to death. I know nothing ever showed up on an X ray. I know her bloodwork was always right as rain. But I also knew that something was wrong with this cat who was "normal" except that she wouldn't eat, and sometimes couldn't walk, and everyone called me paranoid, and now she's gone.

Hugs to any Mefites who want 'em. And as always, fuck cancer.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:17 PM on January 2 [12 favorites]


It's 10:45pm on January 2nd. Well it was a moment ago. 2 years ago my husband sent me the following message "I am sorry. I love you. Goodbye" and put a gun in his mouth, pulling the trigger.

I've survived, but its been rough, and the past 6 months has shown me just how badly I've been flaying. First in shock, then denial, then just running scared. I ran out of money as I played the "everything is just fine" game, unable to understand why I was so stuck, spinning my wheels.

Things were getting better. Metafilter reached out. Friends reached out. I reached out to friends. I was doing better. But December kicked my ass. I hurt my back, again. My new therapist pushed to end therapy with me and get back with my old therapist who is out of pocket and I have no money. And she wants me in an intensive outpatient program for PTSD. Which I probably do need, but I just don't have the energy to figure out. The steam I had talking to colleagues and recruiters dissipated.

Then tonight, my landlord messaged me he's selling my house in spring, do I want to get out of my lease early? My landlord, who I told when I moved in, I wanted a place I could be for at least a few years, probably 5 or more. My landlord who knows how bad I'm doing, even though I've kept rent paid. My landlord, who I agreed to a longer lease initially as a show of good faith that I intended to stay a while. I've put a lot of money into getting my place the way I want it because I thought I'd be here a while. Having a place I call home and can be a solid platform while I deal with the rest of life's uncertainty has been crucial to keeping me from falling apart.

And now, I've got at most 6 months to figure something out. I still need to find a job. I'm still hurting, still struggling, and my life is about to be upended again.

I just want to pause, I want a break and security for a little bit. Everything has been tits up since my husband killed himself.

So yeah, fuck this shit.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 9:01 PM on January 2 [30 favorites]


By many measures my life is good and I am a lucky woman. Even so, it sucks that my housemate had a tantrum earlier today and what she said and the way she said it made it clear that I need to move out. Naturally, I won’t be able to live as closely to my family after my move. Naturally, moving will be expensive and whatever I find to replace where I live now will no doubt be more expensive as well. I don’t actually want to live with a housemate who is deeply bothered by my presence in her apartment. I have done everything I can to make myself smaller, more quiet, and more thoughtful. I have always cleaned up after myself and done the best I can to be a good housemate. But it’s not working for her and, because of that, it’s not working for me.

I plan to move out at the end of February, just before I go to the states to visit my sickdad. Tomorrow I will write her a note that gives notice. Today I’m just going to feel shitty and try to be as kind to myself as possible. I did the best I could; it is not working. We are simply incompatible. I don’t have to think of her as a terrible person even though I want to think of her as a terrible person bc it is so hard to find housing. Fuck!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:29 AM on January 3 [5 favorites]


The gradual shift of the fucking fuck threads from being primarily a place for political complaining to being a place where people having a hard time can speak their peace and get kind words in response has been a kind of beautiful thing.

I don't pray, but I'm sending positive mind atoms to all of you.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:11 AM on January 3 [16 favorites]


We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese, You have my deepest sympathy. I went through something similar when the cat I still call my soulmate died in 2012. It was really sudden. Liver cancer. She was 15 years old, but she was so spry and healthy up until the end. Except she wasn’t. She usually ended up in the vet once or twice a year with something. She would get constipated and impacted; but nothing was ever “wrong”. The vet often commented how young she seemed. How curious she was. How she didn’t seem like an old cat. And they never really found anything to explain her digestive issues.

I think back on the time leading up to her going downhill, how I didn’t notice she wasn’t quite grooming as much, how she was grooming her stomach more and it was bare. The vet chalked it up to anxiety, but I wondered if she was uncomfortable in the early stages of cancer we couldn’t see.

Maybe not. Maybe it all was just a part of her aging and kitty anxiety and the cancer was as quick as it seemed.

I grieved so hard for that cat and I still miss her to death, so I get it. I guess the best I can say is be kind to yourself for feeling the loss. If there was one thing, I was surprised at how long I grieved for her. It seemed ridiculous because she was just a cat. Except she wasn’t. And I think anyone with an amazing bond to their cats feel it that deeply.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 8:22 AM on January 3 [8 favorites]


I fixed my piece of crap car last week, spending the last of what I had left over after bills and obligations, and it died again last night. I said fuck it and scrapped the thing after being told all the crap that was still wrong with it. Second car in six months. Now I have no car and no money for one in a job where I do a lot of city travel. Also it's winter. Great. Awesome.

At least my job is flexible and my boss is amazing, and I can still get to the office by public transport. But I still need a car.
posted by Freeze Peach at 8:44 AM on January 3 [5 favorites]


I have a phone conversation scheduled with my husband for this evening that I'm really anxious about. Our last text convo about a week ago was a drawn-out disaster. Both of us did make some strong, not-sugar-coated honest assertions which was a good thing, and something new for us. But, it feels like we are on very different paths. I'm not feeling optimistic about our future together. I don't know what agenda he has planned for this call, and that uncertainty along with the pessimism is making it stick in my mind. I'm back at work, and finding it really difficult to concentrate and focus (hence, I'm here, hahaha).

I second DOT's feeling of appreciation for these threads and the love and support within this community. I'm sending good thoughts to all of you, via the [+] button.
posted by Fig at 9:01 AM on January 3 [18 favorites]


[insert clever name here] thank you for your reply. It does help that the more I share what happened, the more people come up to say it went the same way for their cat. She was my first kitty, so to some extent I didn't fully know what to expect as she aged. Every day, my partner and I think of one more thing we noticed at some point and wonder whether it was illness or just catweird.

The only silver lining is that because she was a bit of a "famous" cat among our friends and families, everyone around us knows that we are grieving. So we have not had to face the sentiment of "just a cat," at least not yet.

I am so sorry to hear about your home. I hope you find a place to rest and breathe easily and soonly.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:34 AM on January 3 [3 favorites]


So often with the cat cancers it is "well, they're a little off their feed and kind of hanging out in the closet so we'll take them to the vet tomorrow" and tomorrow at the vet you get an x-ray of a cat who has constellations of malignant tumours throughout and it is incredible that they're even still alive and you say SHIT and spend a lot of time sobbing. Yeah, it's a thing, you can't feel bad about it. They're apex predators at their size-level but they still will not show weakness because there's bigger creatures in the world looking for easy meals for them to be afraid of.

I love cats but damn I wish we had more ways to communicate with them.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:54 AM on January 3 [14 favorites]


Our last text convo about a week ago was a drawn-out disaster.

So I know this is the fucking fuck thread and not the incredible revelations thread, but reading that was like a slap in the face. My ex used to bait me into having these huge arguments fraught with misunderstandings while I was at work and they caused me so much anxiety and upset. And when I read that line up there I remembered how that used to feel...and then I realized I don't have to feel like that anymore. And I haven't for two years. What a fucking relief.
posted by elsietheeel at 11:22 AM on January 3 [11 favorites]


I just got a panicked and overwhelmed call from my partner telling me that our brand new to us car, purchased in the wake of our previous car being totalled literally six weeks ago with every penny of our savings because we couldn't manage a car loan, has just been totalled. We bought it I think within the 30 day grace period of our car insurance but what if we technically bought it 31 days ago oh god oh god oh god I think we might have bought it Dec 3 but they didn't cash the check for two weeks and we never got the plates from the dealer oh fucking fuck

And of course I'm en route to fucking Tampa for some bullshit fucking conference and I don't know what to do except direct dear friends at where my spouse is dealing with the cops--thank fuck two of them were available to go get them, thank fuck, thank fuck for good friends and good people--so on top of everything I feel like the worst fucking partner imaginable and I'm not able to do a damn thing useful. And my connecting flight leaves in ten minutes.

I just. fucking fuck, can we catch a fucking break for one fucking year
posted by sciatrix at 2:21 PM on January 3 [9 favorites]


Oh sciatrix, you are so not a bad partner. This is terrible luck, I am so sorry about the cars, but you have been a good partner, you have sent friends to help and it was not your fault the car just got totalled as you are leaving for a conference. That is part of what you do as a scientist. It is your thing. The timing sucks, the entire thing sucks, and yet that in no way makes you a bad partner. What a nightmare, I feel for you!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:27 PM on January 3 [6 favorites]


The super sweet foster cat I mentioned surviving Christmas in the holiday thread is in really rough shape with things that are nonviable to fix. They may or may not let me bring her home for hospice care. She still has appetite, affection, and play left in her so I'd hate for her to be put down prematurely. Her co-rescue pulled at least and will probably have a forever home soon.
posted by Candleman at 4:12 PM on January 3 [4 favorites]


I really fucking wrestled with my decision to move to the middle of nowhere and then take a job in a prison (because prisons are the only place to work here and if I hadn't have moved closer to my parents I would most definitely be dead right now) despite my absolute loathing for the school-to-prison pipeline and the prison industrial complex. I accepted the job I have because it involves making prison health care more accessible and improves patient outcomes. But now I'm second guessing that decision and I'm still really conflicted and upset about last week's suicide, my feelings and reactions toward it, the fucking nightmares I had related to it, and yes, the joke I made three hours after sitting at my desk sobbing. Fucking fuck everything.
posted by elsietheeel at 5:02 PM on January 3 [9 favorites]


And double fucking fuck that my comment was deleted. Thanks a fucking lot.
posted by elsietheeel at 5:03 PM on January 3 [2 favorites]


AND TRIPLE FUCKING FUCK THAT IT WASN'T AND I FAIL AT READING COMPREHENSION.

Thanks brain, I needed the laugh.
posted by elsietheeel at 5:04 PM on January 3 [13 favorites]


Blast Hardcheese and insert name - I have so much sympathy for you. I grew up with cats, and I lived with a roommate who had a cat my first year out of college, but the moment I got a place of my own, I got a cat of my own, and I had her for twenty years. She was my cat, and it was cancer in the end, and I was inconsolable. I grieved her for four years, and berated myself for every single thing I could think up that I maybe could have done better for her during her life.

When I was finally ready to get another cat, I knew I had to get two, because I never want to come back from the vet to a home without a cat in it ever again. So I got two, and they are my big and little dumb babies and they are spoiled rotten, and I love them dearly, but I would trade them in a heartbeat to have my cat back. Which is stupid, and sometimes I feel bad about it.

(They can't comprehend any of that, of course, which makes it bearable. Bless their dumb purring hearts.)

As for the wider world, the less I think about it, the more able I am to get through a 24-hour period without sobbing in front of strangers. I have become the person I until so recently in life despised--I don't pay attention the news because it's too upsetting.
posted by tzikeh at 8:21 PM on January 3 [6 favorites]


I feel this is a metaphor for something but not sure what; possibly many things? It may be useful for other MeFites in their writing.
posted by Wordshore at 6:53 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]


There's a MetaTalk thread going on right now that just seems to be generating ill will and achieving nothing. I can't think of any comment I could add to it that would help a damn thing, so I'm commenting here. Fuck.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:39 AM on January 4 [7 favorites]


Yes; there's two MetaTalk threads that have started so far this (very young) new year which quickly got into MeFite vs MeFite (vs Mod) trench warfare. Which is a bit of a downer. I am glad that Fizz did one of his positive midweek MetaTalks so there's something good, as opposed to fighty, to read on this corner of MetaFilter.
posted by Wordshore at 11:24 AM on January 4 [2 favorites]


sciatrix, you're not a bad partner. You did the best thing you could right then. You had to go. Wasting travel funds would have made you feel even worse. This is why we have friends and community, to help us when we can't be in 2 places at once.

elsietheeel, you're doing good things for people who badly need those good things. My wife worked in the prison system - as a CO - for many years, because that's what she could get, and she tried to treat her charges as well as she could. They said it helped. You are helping.
posted by joycehealy at 11:26 AM on January 4 [3 favorites]


minor bitch, but since I'm here: I'm doing relatively new work in a relatively young field by social science standards, and my dissertation chair is complaining that my proposal needs "more classical literature" when the first book that addresses my stuff was literally in 1995. I'm working with it, pulling in some classic sociology stuff, I'll make it work, but ARGH.

She also wants a citation proving that a city I'm discussing doesn't have a 'gayborhood'. How the effffffffff am I supposed to do that?
posted by joycehealy at 11:28 AM on January 4 [5 favorites]


So apparently the shutdown affected my pay allotments for healthcare, so now I haven't paid for my healthcare and I am not sure how that is going to be interpreted. They are saying they may randomly bill at any time, but may not! There is sure no way this is going to fuck me and my family! wheeeeeee!
posted by corb at 3:07 PM on January 4 [8 favorites]


I think this is a minor gripe (though I'm not sure I know anymore?) but some weirdo who had a crush on me in high school has recently ramped up his efforts to contact me and ugh. I blocked this dude on AIM during the second Bush administration (after telling him clearly to go to hell) and haven't spoken to him since. He recently tried to add me on Facebook, I blocked him, he sent me messages from a fake account saying "I love you," I blocked the fake account, and now he's just followed me on Instagram.

It reminds me of a time years ago when I'd just broken up with my first boyfriend and got an AIM message out of the blue from an unknown person telling me that I was a bad person and deserved to be unhappy. When I asked who they were, thinking quite reasonably that it might be the ex or a misguided friend of his, he was all "oh have you been so horrible to so many people that you don't even know????" I was stumped until I thought to Google the username and realized that it was a random MRA who I'd had a single online argument with at least two years prior and then blocked (this happened in mid-2010 and the fight had had to do with Hillary Clinton during the primary debates in 2007/2008).

I guess it's just the fact that this isn't even the first guy who's been weirdly fixated on me for an unsettling length of time, that's getting to me. I don't THINK he's going to hunt me down and wear me as a skin suit, but why do I have to even bear the psychic burden?
posted by sunset in snow country at 3:58 PM on January 4 [15 favorites]


Woah, restraining order time? That's creepy as fuck. Sorry men can be such fuckos.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:53 AM on January 5 [1 favorite]


That's so very much not a minor gripe sunset in snow county! Even if nothing escalates, the fact that you have to think about it at all is crappy.

I really miss my family right now. I got to see them for a bit and despite everything it was good to see everyone, especially my sisters. But all it really did was make me wish we lived closer to each other.

I wish I could go back about 7 years and slap myself silly for not pushing for more information and action. Logically I know things may not be that different big picture wise, but I feel like some important small details would be better for my grandfather and by extension my grandmother.
posted by ghost phoneme at 9:17 PM on January 5 [1 favorite]


I got a call this morning waking me up that my dog’s kidneys suddenly failed and they’re putting him down within the hour. I was able to FaceTime to see him one last time, but he lives across the planet and this Christmas was the last time we had together without knowing it. He was old, and it’s not uncommon for his age, but I’m absolutely crushed
posted by lesser weasel at 1:29 PM on January 6 [11 favorites]


(The following pales in comparison to pretty much everything above - hugs to everyone)

Big fuck you to the woman in the Novato Whole Foods this morning who decided to try and come pitch a parenting book to my wife and I as we were trying to calm down one of our kids. No I’m really not interested in the book you just read - which you just interrupted our parenting to announce while ignoring *several direct verbal queues* and the biggest side eye my wife has ever given. Did you know we had just come from a PCIT therapy session? That one of our kids has autism and we are working through correct dosing of quite powerful medicine to find the right one to help? Or that both our kids are worked up because it’s the last day of school holidays? No you couldn’t possibly know all that - how could you? Which is why you NEVER EVER fucking try and give *unsolicited* parenting advice to *total strangers* in a *public space*. You completely fucking stupid person. Oh also the book you were trying to explain to us - that has been completely trashed as pseudo science nonsense. Just FYI. Fuckity bye.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 1:51 PM on January 6 [11 favorites]


I'm in Hell. I've had a fever off and on for the last four days, but now I've developed a deep bronchial cough that feels like it's ripping these hernias apart. The umbilical hernia was the worst of them going into this, but now the worst of the inguinal hernias has me feeling like I'm being continuously kicked in the balls. Ice pack gives minor temporary relief but gives me chills due to the fever, which starts everything back up again.

To add insult to injury, our cable is out due to a windstorm last night, so I can't easily distract myself.

Drowning in a sea of never-ending pain. Just kill me now.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:26 PM on January 6 [4 favorites]


Yeah, the power went out about 6:30 here. Internet backup and laptop still working for now but I have zero hope they'll fix the power before tomorrow morning. Blech.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:49 PM on January 6 [2 favorites]


We had a hellacious windstorm yesterday afternoon but were lucky enough to not lose power. Knock wood!

A friend in Midtown Sac is also without power and is lamenting that she hadn't charged her phone beforehand, which reminded me to plug mine in now.

Also I just went to the store and we've had about an inch or two of snow that's stuck already and it's still snowing. A lot. So 1. I am absolutely dreading driving to work tomorrow, and 2. If you are comfortable driving in snow and the person in front of you isn't? Don't be a jackass and drive aggressively because they're going too slow; it doesn't help the situation at all.

And a hearty fucking fuckeroo to you, random sedan driver with Oregon plates who thinks that 70 mph is a perfectly cromulent speed to drive on a dark AF rural two-lane highway in a snowstorm.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:02 PM on January 6 [2 favorites]


Today is my husband's birthday, and the two month mark of our separation. I went to church today for the first time in a while, and it turns out the monthly theme is Grace. Today, the readings and sermon were both about what grace is. The whole thing made me feel so despondently guilty about leaving my marriage because of patterns of behavior my husband was engaged in. I feel terrible, like I did not extend enough grace to him. The line between unconditional love and codependency seems awfully thin. I know deep down I'm making the right decision, but I am really second-guessing myself today all because of the stupid church theme.

I know I can rationalize it as extending grace to myself and putting myself first, which is more important to live the life that I want to live, but my brain won't let go of the thought that I have abandoned my husband at a really low point for him. It hurts.
posted by Fig at 7:53 PM on January 6 [11 favorites]


Fig, you're doing the right thing. The idea that any relationship can be saved if you just try hard enough, if you just love hard enough, if you just want it hard enough is one that has broken a lot of hearts. Don't let it lay a finger on yours, because it's malarkey. Stay strong and be well. Best from all of us.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:01 PM on January 6 [9 favorites]


Fig: if you want to recontextualize grace in a way that helps you move forward, may I recommend Anne Lamott’s Hallelujah Anyway: Rediscovering Mercy. Being merciful (and bestowing grace) toward someone needn’t mean excusing them from their failings. It can mean loving them enough to keep them from indulging in their faults in their interactions with you. It can mean separating yourself from someone, for a while or for forever, and loving them enough to do that even if they hurt over it for some time.

You can be full of grace for a person without being with that person. Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean letting someone continue the patterns you forgive them for.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:17 PM on January 6 [12 favorites]


I think you've extended grace to the both of you, Fig. If one person is not happy in a relationship, most of the time it's got very little to do with the amount of chances given on either side, the love between them, or the effort made, but that there is something wrong at the very core of things and dragging things out (even if one of them is at a very low point) may likely only prolong and increase the hurt in the long run. And I say this as having been on your husband's side of the fence not so long ago. I wish my ex had let me go after he decided to move out, instead of stringing things along for two years, because ultimately it just made things worse and my low point gradually sunk to my absolute lowest point ever. You haven't abandoned him; you've set both of you free.
posted by elsietheeel at 8:40 PM on January 6 [5 favorites]


I’m burned out on my retail job. I’m so tired, and I feel so hopeless about the future. I keep telling myself I’ll become some kind of successful writer and make a fortune, but the reality is that I can’t even motivate myself to do the dishes, let alone write anything that would turn into a job. Let alone keep up with it. It feels like retail is about the maximum of what I can handle, and I can’t even handle that.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 12:22 AM on January 7 [10 favorites]


One year ago, I stopped responding in any way to my family and spoke to my sister for the last time. I'm so much happier on a daily basis and I'm not sure if I would have gotten through the genuine nightmare that was my October if I was still communicating with them. Buuuut....

On NYE, my mother sent me an email basically saying that they miss me and hope I can find it in my heart to "come back." It is the first time they have sent a message that is tonally consistent and not a rollercoaster of you are a fucking disappointment/there is a hole in our hearts, not that you care. I'm feeling the guilt seeping back in, even though I've gone over this a billion times.

Fig - I hear you. I feel like I should be extending grace, but I know how much it would cost me.
posted by Sophie1 at 10:49 AM on January 7 [7 favorites]


When your boss asks how many weeks of severance you would want to just go away, that's bad right?

FUCKING SHIT.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 2:23 PM on January 7 [9 favorites]


Fig you can totally tell me to drop dead/mind my own beeswax/fuck off, but all churches and religions in general are very good at making humans feel guilty. You're doing the right thing. Stay the course - for you.
posted by yoga at 2:58 PM on January 7 [3 favorites]


Also, I'm completely freaked out by the whole wall/shutdown/national emergency bullshit. And the fact that Mueller is getting 6 more fucking MONTHS. Can we even last 6 more months?????
posted by yoga at 3:02 PM on January 7 [4 favorites]


I am really feeling for all of y'all right now, and I'm so sorry for everyone. I need to make a point to read these threads more regularly because it really helps humanize people who I don't otherwise know here. I get caught up in my own shit sometimes and after reading all the latest comments from the past week or so here, I feel like a real dumbass and a failure. Like all the really damaging shit I had to live through has happend years ago now, and I'm still not recovered? Yet look at the people here, look at what they're dealing with, and they can still be kind and considerate and give the benefit of the doubt. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm still letting that shit color my view of Mefites who are very likely being genuine and sincere. Why do I keep pushing people away? Why am I afraid to believe people are being genuine and sincere here? I am, so why wouldn't they be? I'm no better than any of you! I'm likely much worse. Is it some kind of defense mechanism I've developed to cope? If you hate me it can't get any worse right? what am I doing? Am I being performative? Where do I get off suggesting other people are then?

Relatedly, I said a stupid thing in another metatalk thread (since deleted) without thinking about the potential repercussions for whatever stupid reason, I don't even know. The worst part is, I was stone cold sober when I made that comment. I feel like a double dumbass now. Bless you all. I won't ask for your forgiveness because I've done nothing to earn it.

I'll do better in the future. I have to. I need to. You all deserve better from me.
posted by some loser at 3:44 PM on January 7 [7 favorites]


I am so fucking tired.
posted by Doktor Zed at 6:13 PM on January 7 [5 favorites]


Ms. PixieCat’s Mom passed away in her sleep just a couple of hours ago.

While we’re profoundly sad, and miss her already, we are sosoSO relieved that her suffering is at an end.
posted by tantrumthecat at 6:46 PM on January 7 [9 favorites]


Hey Fig I'm at the 7 month mark and left a 20 year marriage, so feel free to MeMail if you want to talk about guilt, letting go, etc.

It's ok to want to be happy. It's ok to stop trying to be with someone who can't make you happy. Hugs to you.

I'm scared like everyone else meanwhile, and we're all holding our breath right now. I did eat some excellent Tex Mex today, and it did help a little. I haunt the megathread but then still have to work and love my kid. I want to believe we're at a juncture that leads to better things, because damn di I miss having hope. I miss it so much.
posted by emjaybee at 10:02 PM on January 7 [4 favorites]


Can we even last 6 more months?????

To quote Bill Buckley quoting Leo Durocher, "Whom knows?" but I'm trying to find a new therapist for the first time in twenty years.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:02 AM on January 8 [2 favorites]


I'm very worried about Trump's primetime announcement tonight. I'm worried that he's going to declare a state of emergency and seize enhanced executive powers. In which case, what is there to stop him from making this a true dictatorship?

I'm very afraid for the people at our borders. What if he orders a lethal military attack on them or something else horrific? There's been a troop buildup at the southern border and maybe he'll want "a show of force"? What is going to happen to the refugees and immigrants trapped in "detention centers," aka camps? I think Trump is trying to claim that we're in a war with refugees and so he's going to use military force against them and...claim the people already "detained" as POWs? I don't understand.

This is very scary. I think tonight is a turning point. Another turning point.

I understand why the Democratic leaders are stalling in terms of impeachment, claiming they need to wait for Mueller's report...they can't get the Senate votes for impeachment right now, so stalling while working the Senate Republicans and trying to persuade at least a few to defect is a reasonable strategy. But maybe time's up. Depending on what happens tonight, maybe time's up and we didn't beat the buzzer.

Regardless of what happens, we're all going to have to get up tomorrow and the next day and the next and not lose hope. But sometimes doing that makes you feel like Professor Pangloss exclaiming that this is the best of all possible worlds even while his nose falls off from syphilis, you know?
posted by rue72 at 7:28 AM on January 8 [5 favorites]


Ten years ago, I went to the Humane Society to get a cat. All the cats in the cat room were huddled in the back of their cages, looking at me distrustfully. Except this one orange tabby cat who took one look at me and started rubbing herself against the glass.

I asked to see her, and she jumped out into my arms as soon as the door was opened. She was purring. I shrugged and smiled, and said that obviously I had been chosen. And I took her home.

She's calm, and she's affectionate, she loves it when I play guitar, she's addicted to sunbeams and lap time, and she curls up next to me and sings me to sleep at night.

I dropped her off at the vet a little while ago. When I go back, I don't think it'll be to pick her up.

I've got one last thing I can do for her, and that's to make sure she doesn't suffer anymore. And I can hold her while the vet does what's needed.

I'm going to miss her so much.
posted by MrVisible at 11:23 AM on January 8 [26 favorites]


Yeah I think tonight is our Reichstag fire and we're fucked.

I wish I were a drinker.

On lack of preview: MrVisible, I'm so sorry. She loved you and she was loved.
posted by tzikeh at 11:24 AM on January 8 [2 favorites]


I quit that job.

I'm free now.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:31 AM on January 8 [17 favorites]


Jeez DOT, good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 12:26 PM on January 8 [2 favorites]


I just got some real rug-pulled-out-from-under-me news and I'm at a loss. Glad you guys are here.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:41 PM on January 8 [21 favorites]


1. Why, *in the hell* is this venting thread *upside down* ?

2. I'm beginning to wonder if looking at a *black browser background* all day is a good idea, this being the SAD (sad sad sad!) season?

3. As Mike said, in Never Cry Wolf: 'Good idea!!!!!'
posted by Twang at 12:59 PM on January 8 [2 favorites]


Hey LobsterMitten, so sorry to hear that. Hope you are doing breathing exercises, doing jumping jacks, playing jacks, drinking Jack's or doing exactly whatever else the hell you need in order to hang on.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:04 PM on January 8 [4 favorites]


You know, last year I lost one hundred literal pounds, but today I lost about two thousand metaphorical pounds and I gotta tell you, this is better.

Please quit your shitty job. Trust me.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:45 PM on January 8 [11 favorites]


On the brighter side, my new dentist did an amazing job on this filling and my teeth have never been cleaner. But I gotta set an appointment with an oral surgeon for my wisdom teeth. Granted, I'm over 50, so they've had a good run, and they should be easy outs, and I've got insurance that will cover 90% of the cost, but still. Tonight, dinner is whisky and ice cream, and I'm going to see about joining the queer choir.
posted by seanmpuckett at 3:12 PM on January 8 [4 favorites]


((((LobsterMitten)))) Shoulders and ears are fully available for you.

MrVisible and tantrumthecat I'm sorry for both of your beloved cats. It's so damn hard to lose them, they're such a big part of our lives and ask so little of us. We can love them forever, though.
posted by yoga at 4:22 PM on January 8 [5 favorites]


Thankfully, nothing happened today. The vet wanted to run more tests, so my cat is back at home. She's not doing very well, though. She's not purring. She always purrs.

Fingers crossed, the vet will find out it's something that can be treated. My vet is my hero, she's absolutely the most compassionate human being I've ever come across in real life, and probably the toughest as well. So my cat's in good hands, whatever happens. The results will be in in a couple of days.

Thank you all for your kind wishes.
posted by MrVisible at 5:37 PM on January 8 [8 favorites]


Ok so there's a fire or something across the street and there were just like a million sirens and i was all great the president just declared everything illegal and now theres a riot and maybe a civil war or a nuclear one and i just had a huge panic attack and FUCK! FUCK ALL THIS! AND FUCK DONALD TRUMP! Fuck fuck fuck.
posted by sexyrobot at 6:06 PM on January 8 [4 favorites]


Maybe I'll make some hot chocolate.
posted by sexyrobot at 6:07 PM on January 8 [5 favorites]


Keep us updated, MrVisible. My fingers are crossed for you and I'm rubbing my big dumb baby cat's belly for good luck.
posted by tzikeh at 6:27 PM on January 8 [3 favorites]


On Friday my house goes up for auction because I haven’t been able to pay the irrigation bill. I have no clue what I’m going to do. I should be going through my things figuring out what I want to keep that will fit in my car but I’m mostly just staring at the wall. Fuck.

Around Christmas I sold my mom’s wheelchair on craigslist so I could keep the lights on. When I took it outside to get some pictures in the sunlight my dog got really excited. She ran to the car and did a few laps around it looking in the windows. Just like when my mom would come home from the hospital or chemo. That broke me for a while.
Also, fuck people from craigslist that make you wait around all day and then send you a text asking if half of your asking price is ok.

Can we have a reality reset? This one fucking sucks.
posted by Tenuki at 6:51 PM on January 8 [12 favorites]


Again, a very small fuck in the grand scheme of things, but I have to get it out here or my head will explode.

I'm starting to worry that I'm The Dick Who Seethes With Anger in the Corner at the project meetings for our big new replacement student records system.

Come on, though. Okay, the system we've been sold has a facility where it'll push messages and data out to other systems so it can integrate with them,right?

If sending a message or some data has a problem or fails entirely, does the system alert anyone? Does it email you? Does it at least hold up a comical flag and play a mournful fucking slide whistle while its pants fall down around its ankles?

It does not.

You are expected to find out by manually visiting a buried and obscure screen and looking for the little red checkbox next to the offending message/data. The system tells you about problems in no other way.

We are spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on this shit. Today was the day I finally stopped just shaking my head and started audibly muttering "Jesus Christ" in meetings and putting my face in my hands. I am getting a reputation.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:28 AM on January 9 [13 favorites]


MrVisible maybe the cat is just temporarily not purring because of the stress of the vet trip? I'll keep her in my thoughts & pat our orange guy in solidarity.
posted by yoga at 11:48 AM on January 9 [2 favorites]


Oh Tenuki, your situation sounds like a nightmare. I am so sorry for your pending loss and the loss of your mother earlier. If you need to vent more, you are welcome to PM me, but I am in Europe so may not respond for several hours. I miss the US but damn is it fucked. Not that anybody needs me to say so.

Fuck.
posted by Bella Donna at 11:57 AM on January 9 [4 favorites]


So minor, compared to what some folks are going through above. Personally, I'm having a very hard time not taking things personally. I'm sick and tired of things not being "fair", and I should know better. I have a customer at work who pulled a scam to get her dinner paid for, by claiming the six packages of sausage she bought (that we ordered especially for her and that still had TEN more days before the expiration day) were all bad and made her guests sick and they all had to go to the hospital blah blah blah so she got a refund for SIX packages but only brought back TWO.

I have a friend who insists on posting memes on Facebook denigrating Democrats and reinforcing the divide in this country; and yes, I pointed out the fact that the crap she shares is designed to turn us into a "us vs. them" in so many ways and does nothing to bring us together. The ironic thing is that she gets upset over intolerance to mixed race relationships (she is white and her new beau is black), and she gets upset over intolerance toward police officers (her new beau is also a police officer). My last straw was her post that "Democrats got upset when Kid Rock called Joy Behar a bitch, but said nothing when a Democratic congresswoman called the president a Mother Fu*****" "look, not one liberal commented on my post". If I protest, her friends start in with "she drank the Koolaid" crap and counter any of my comments with crap and bullying. Yes, I have stepped away and silenced her for 30 days, but I just cannot get over how many people I had formerly thought highly of who support that orange cheeto in office, and I am just sick and tired of it.

It's just all so unfair.
posted by annieb at 4:48 PM on January 9 [6 favorites]


(Apologies to Steely Dan)

Your everlasting shutdown
You can see it fading fast.
So you trump up an emergency
That you think is gonna last.
But I can see this crisis
Was contrived by tiny hands.
The things you think are vital
I don't understand.

Are you really into fear?
Coverin' up the crime?
Are you gatherin' up the tears?
Have you had enough of mine?

Could you really be The Beast
Emergin' from the slime?
Are you gatherin' up the tears?
Have you had enough of mine?

You been tellin' me you're a genius
Ever since the year sixteen.
In all the time I've watched you
I still don't know what you mean.
That business called Trump college
Didn't turn out like you planned.
The things you claim are knowledge
I can't understand.

Are you really into fear?
Coverin' up the crime?
Are you gatherin' up the tears?
Have you had enough of mine?

Could you really be The Beast
Emergin' from the slime?
Are you gatherin' up the tears?
Have you had enough of mine?
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:25 AM on January 10 [10 favorites]


I took a day to breathe after quitting that job. Now to start hustling to find a new one. I kinda wish the Ask I posted about how to get into managed services sales had gotten even a single reply. That is likely the direction I want to go.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:50 AM on January 10 [4 favorites]


AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH.

(I am a Brit.)
posted by Ilira at 9:52 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]


Okay, I've got some good news to share with you guys.

So, what happened is that my cat Meg (kittiest of babykitties, babiest of kittybabies, slayer of scorpions and all around snurglebee) all of a sudden started making pain vocalizations and having trouble moving her back legs. The vet and I both feared that it was due to a blood clot thrown by congestive heart failure. The definitive test to verify that is an ultrasound, which I just can't afford right now, so the vet did another set of x-rays (without charging me, have I mentioned she's amazing), and found no sign that Meg's heart is enlarged. But she did find that Meg is suffering from lumbar spondylosis deformans; it's a chronic spinal condition that fortunately has a lot of treatment options.

So I've started her on her new medication and I've made a little platform for her bed because she's not jumping up on things at the moment. But she's sleeping more comfortably now, and hopefully she'll keep getting better until she's ready to assume her usual perch on the back of the couch in the sunshine.

Thank you all for your concern and your kind words, and I apologize for freaking out prematurely, but this was scary as hell. I appreciate you being here.
posted by MrVisible at 3:58 PM on January 10 [14 favorites]


(Apologies to Steely Dan)

Begging your pardon, “The Last Mall,” off their last album is the Steely Dan song for here. I first heard it on a hot July day when the US was pushing their way through Iraq and I was going to a friend’s mother’s funeral & it’s never not haunted me.
You'll need the tools for survival
And the medicine for the blues
The sweet treats and surprises
For the little buckaroos

It's last call
To do your shopping
At the last mall
posted by octobersurprise at 5:50 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]


Is it just me or does the Unraveling feel intensified this week?
posted by yoga at 5:55 AM on January 11 [6 favorites]


I've been having thoughts about everything and I'm finding myself coming to something that I logically know is a bad thought and the result of administrational gaslighting:

What did we do that was so bad to deserve what's happening?

Like I'm starting to feel guilt about the current state. I don't like this feeling.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 10:01 AM on January 11 [1 favorite]


What did we do that was so bad to deserve what's happening?

Fail to seize the means of production?

Honestly, it's just how it is. There is nothing we can do. We can resist, we can slow it, we can reverse for a short while, but all is decay, death and entropy.

How's that for fuckity fuck fuck.
posted by symbioid at 10:56 AM on January 11 [5 favorites]


*unraveling intensifies*
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:54 PM on January 11


MrVisible, I can't tell you how awesome that is to hear! I am surrounded by cats who picked me, and your story of you and your cats beginning made me tear up. I hope the medication works and she's back to her regular wonderful self soon!
posted by annieb at 5:02 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]


EVERYONE IS OKAY, So today there was a school lockdown in Eugene because of a gun, and no one was injured (except the person with the gun? still unclear) but anyway, I go on a local forum to read news and the first thing is a rules-lawyering about whether it's "really" a school shooting because it was "just" a guy with a handgun and we have no evidence he intended to shoot the students. Okay great I'm sure the hundreds of kids on lockdown feel just great that we're going straight to "but it would make Good Gun Guys sad to call them a school shooter for having a shooty thing at a school." What the fucking fuck.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:47 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]


OK, now I'm hearing the guy didn't actually fire shots. But pulled a gun and was angry enough that yeah, of course people thought this was a situation.
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:58 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]


From the other thread:
> ...the FBI codename for the investigation, which I imagine we’ll see in a lot of book titles. Crossfire Hurricane
I've had a long fucking evening of trying to deal with my two squabbling parents (Mom dealing with her diminished physical capabilities and Dad feeling under-appreciated as her co-caregiver) and now my brain is stubbornly trying to figure out how Crossfire Hurricane relates to Trump playing "You Can't Always Get What You Want". And it's breaking my exhausted brain like the dot over Jeremy Bearimy.
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 5:22 PM on January 12 [3 favorites]


MrVisible - I am so relieved. Which is something I haven't been about anything, in a long time. I'm glad you came to shout into the void so that later you could cheer into the void and all of us void-creatures could feel a little less empty for a moment, maybe.

I know this doesn't happen on the gray as often as it happens on the green, but would you mind paying the cat tax? I'd love to see Meg in her little platform bed.
posted by tzikeh at 9:13 PM on January 12 [5 favorites]


I love it when pets have people names—and I ADORE the name of Meg for a cat! (Yes, cat tax photo, please!)
posted by bookmammal at 10:40 PM on January 12 [2 favorites]


FUCK BERKELEY

I had to deal with the worst fucking Berkeley person tonight. The absolute worst people to deal with in retail are the ones who think they’re intellectuals, who may by virtue of their superiority look down on you with sneering contempt. I mean, he was literally sneering at me with contempt.

He was also the platonic ideal of a Berkeley dude: white beard, knit hat, nice scarf, a copy of Balzac and a notebook. Total asshole. I told him to have a lovely evening, and he left with a smirk without responding. I hope his evening was as lovely as he was to me.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 11:24 PM on January 12 [5 favorites]


Meg was happy to do a little photo shoot this morning.
posted by MrVisible at 4:46 AM on January 13 [11 favorites]


MEG! She is beautiful and adorable. Feel better soon, Meg!
posted by bookmammal at 8:33 AM on January 13 [5 favorites]


Today's my and my (separated) husband's 7th anniversary. I've been dreading it for weeks, and now that it's here, it's not so bad (...but it's still before 8 am, hah). I am trying to stay away from FB with its super-helpful "LOOKIT YOUR PAST!!! LOOK. AT. IT." features, but was messaged by an unknowing uncle at like 7 am with a big "Happy Anniversary!"; so much for avoidance.

My bff did take a vacation day and insist that I do too, so I did, and we're (along with another dear friend) going to have lunch, v fancy spa Mani/pedis w massages and whatnot, and dinner with another friend of mine. They are the best and I'm super grateful.

It still sucks, though. That, and I (finally) went to the doctor on Friday for this lingering cough/hoarseness I've had since before Christmas and got antibiotics. I'm on Day 3 out of 5 of meds with no noticeable improvement. Meh. At least my hands will look pretty when I'm coughing into my elbows!
posted by Fig at 6:15 AM on January 14 [7 favorites]


[[[[Fig]]]]

Pre-Facebook, my first post-separation wedding anniversary was an occasion for a tattoo of Yggdrassil, the World Tree.

Maybe have a friend go into FB for you and tell the Memories app that you don't want to see any memories from today?
posted by hanov3r at 8:28 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]


Fuck.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 6:22 PM on January 14 [2 favorites]


I think that interaction over the weekend really fucked me up. One smarmy old guy being a prick really took the wind out of my sails. I talked to my girlfriend, and she had no idea how badly I've been doing for the past couple months, because I've kind of mastered the art of hiding stuff. I remain weirdly hopeful that things will change in 2019, if only because I don't know how they could stay like this.

Someday someone I know will find my account and read all this emo shit from me, and that's going to suck. I think that's the #1 that keeps my profile anonymous. I should probably start a blog for all the screaming into the void that I need to do.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 6:28 PM on January 14 [3 favorites]


A political group I was a dues paying member of has drama and it got to the point that the faction I *nominally* agree with are acting like children and basically to prove my point that they were as bad as cointelpro left the group. I feel bad, because it's a group I respect but there's a certain "eat your own" that I can't stand and they refuse to take responbility for their own cause of failures, so ... IDK. Also I fail to be active in politics like I should due to work schedule, inertia and social anxiety. So that makes me feel bad. Anyways, IDK, it all came to a head, and sort of reifies my current pessimism. The only thing keeping me sane is how much of a scumbag Trump et all are.
posted by symbioid at 3:36 PM on January 16 [3 favorites]


I get to go into work tomorrow and explain to the principal that a significant number of the student projects over Elie Weisel’s Night that have been posted in the hallway are, in fact, offensive (a drawing of poison clouds and ghosts emerging from shower heads, titles like “Not Just Another Summer Camp,” one that describes Anne Frank as “very dead,” and similar). I’m the only Jewish teacher on the campus, the principal already doesn’t like me, and the school is in one of the Trumpiest counties in the state. My spouse wanted me to just post pictures on social media and let the internet do its thing, but I’m pretty sure that would get me fired, so… unpleasant meeting it is, then.
posted by Daughter of Time at 9:04 PM on January 16 [8 favorites]


> A political group I was a dues paying member of has drama and it got to the point that the faction I *nominally* agree with are acting like children

Except for the fact that I don't think we live near each other, I'd say you're a member of the same political group I'm in, which just did this yesterday.
posted by gingerbeer at 1:25 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]


I am a few months shy of 59 years old, and this is the scariest world I have ever lived in. Scientific studies state that we are totally fucked due to climate change unless we do the sort of mass collective action that human beings haven't historically been capable of, since we're not a hive mind. The United States government has come to a complete stop, possibly until 2020, and the UK seems determined to throw itself off a cliff.

And my own province of Ontario, Canada, due to a series of fuckups, is governed by a man who is simultaneously dumb and ignorant, and who covers up his deficiencies using secrecy and bullying. It's like being governed by the guys who skipped class in high school to hang out and smoke cigarettes (or hash, appropriately enough) and who mocked the keeners who actually studied for tests.

It's a good thing the days are getting longer. When is baseball season?
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 10:56 AM on January 17 [7 favorites]


Here's some serious unfucking unfuck for people following my work saga... (TL;DR: the place got bad, I made the questionable decision to say as much in front of the HR person, I was encouraged to resign, I currently do not have a job) 45 minutes after deciding my resume was finished and ready to send into the world, I got a call from Major American Corporation. I had an interview within two days, went to it this morning and crushed it and have already been called to ask my parameters for an offer. I'm told on Wednesday, I will receive said offer and on March 1st, I will be a pleasantly compensated employee of Major American Corporation.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:59 AM on January 17 [26 favorites]


Oh, and beeteedubs, this is only if the interview Phunniemee facilitated for me on Monday doesn't do better
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:39 AM on January 17 [4 favorites]


Congrats on the Three Init Co job, DirtyOldTown! I've suspended my search for the time being & am trying to roll with the punches here at Small Local Limited Liability Co.
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:53 PM on January 17 [4 favorites]


Go, DirtyOldTown! And once you're super-secure at the new job (whichever one it may be!), you might care to have a longer conversation with the HR people at your previous job, during which you could maybe make the place a little better for some of the other schmucks still stuck in their jobs there.
posted by tzikeh at 5:35 PM on January 17 [4 favorites]


In further Seething Dick news:

So there's this system at work--CMIS--that handles things like classroom assignments for courses. My boss/coworker and I are being expected to integrate it with all the new massive records system project stuff. We know nothing about CMIS at all, but apparently we're the only ones with any kind of spare capacity at the moment. Okay, fine. It's job security, I guess.

Today, though, I found out that they expect this to happen by the end of January. As in thirteen days from now. When:
  • CMIS still needs to be upgraded to allow any kind of integration at all;
  • That's an unrealistic timeline for development, let alone any kind of testing;
  • Our last training on the data integration product that apparently is the One True Way to do things (which is another entire rant) was fourteen months ago; and
  • I am out of the country the entire last week of the month.
This is the only proper reaction to the entire situation.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:58 AM on January 18 [6 favorites]


Still don't have a car in a city that basically requires one to function well, and I also got denied food benefits thanks to our states shitty new system where you get whoever picks up the phone and gamble on whether or not they think you're trying to commit welfare fraud. I didn't have this problem before but I got denied in roughly the same situation because the people who were supposed to follow up and do their verifications of the information I submitted just didn't. Also it took over a month for this to come to me (since mid December) after I initially applied in November, where their response times are supposed to be two weeks. Now the shutdown is going to prevent new applications and appeals from being processed. Also this all started because I never got any mail from them back in June to submit some information so my benefits were shut off, which included my health insurance. My fridge is literally empty and I'm basically making no money after rent and bills. I'd wish I could get run over by a semi but that will traumatize and inconvenience too many people.
posted by Freeze Peach at 6:19 AM on January 18 [4 favorites]


shutdown story: my baby's birthday party will not be held at the national zoo tomorrow as scheduled.
posted by 20 year lurk at 11:29 AM on January 18 [2 favorites]


HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE'S A RUSSIAN ASSET IN THE WHITE HOUSE WHO'S SABOTAGING THE NATION AS WE SPEAK AND NOBODY CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING FUCK?!?!?!?!?
posted by MrVisible at 3:06 PM on January 18 [10 favorites]


Two FF's for today: (a) Simone's tumor is back and (b) we had a person murdered in town last week (I tried to post it to this thread and then accidentally posted it somewhere else, also fuck) and today was her funeral, which was streamed online and we watched it at work because we had to work. I just wanted to yell at the people who kept contacting us all day wanting help ASAP because I wanted to just watch it already without having to deal with their needs. I went by the memorial sites after work today and others were there too.

The girl who got murdered sounds like she was an awesome person who would have done great things, except a literal crazy person with guns he shouldn't have had decided to ambush her. Why does someone like that die and someone like me, or worse people than me, continue to go on? The world needed someone like her. I can think of other people we wouldn't miss that are still here and will be here until they're 95 spreading hell and misery.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:23 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]


An illegitimate president has shut down a massive percentage of the federal government because the opposition party gained enough power to engage in oversight of him. "Border wall" blah blah blah, Ann Coulter spooked him into the shutdown, haha dumb ego-boo-boo Donny? Get real, he shut down the government to handicap the House Democrats so they can't come after him! And it's working! To the continuing, constant, incalculable harm to the nation and the world, every single day this is allowed to go on.

Can everyone with any actual power/information/ANYTHING please quit pussyfooting around with their confidential sources and their endless goddamn investigations and DO SOMETHING?

Starting to feel like Mueller's investigation is just spinning their wheels and stalling to stop us from rioting until it's too late and Trump's completely sacked the country. Is nothing going to change until we literally wheel out guillotines?
posted by wiremommy at 7:20 PM on January 18 [7 favorites]


My girlfriend and I had a nice afternoon together, took a nice walk, looked at some ducks, and then we came home and wound up getting into a deep conversation that ended with us deciding that the best thing is to break up after 7 1/2 years together. There goes everything I knew.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:35 AM on January 22 [8 favorites]


Jesus, shapes that haunt the dusk, I’m so sorry to hear that.
posted by Ghidorah at 2:27 AM on January 22 [1 favorite]


Oh shapes, that must suck majorly. I am so sorry. Hang in there.
posted by Bella Donna at 4:46 AM on January 22 [1 favorite]


I'm so sorry, shapes that haunt the dusk.

My best friend hasn't been my best friend since she started dating her boyfriend a couple years ago. He took my place in her life and then some, and it has made me feel abandoned and sad and lonely. I've tried finding my own man to fill the hole that she left in my heart, but nobody has even come close to replacing her the way that she's been able to so completely replace me. And this morning, she texted me to say that she and this man got engaged over the weekend.

I am happy for her -- I think they will be happy together. They love each other, and he treats her well.

But I'm sad, too. I'm sad partly because I'm single and would like to fall in love, too, and am afraid that it won't happen. But I expected to be sad about that. What I didn't expect to be sad about is that I feel like I've really, officially lost her now. It makes me miss her and the relationship that we used to have so so so much. I'm devastated.

And it's difficult, because of course I can't confess or even hint at that devastation to her. She and I are going away for a weekend in a couple weeks, and I'm looking forward to it. But I also don't know how I'm going to be able to hide how sad I am for all that time. And she wouldn't be obnoxious about it or anything, but it's not her burden to bear and I don't want it to mar her own happiness, so I DO want to hide it.

Struggling right now.
posted by rue72 at 6:54 AM on January 22 [5 favorites]


MrVisible and tantrumthecat I'm sorry for both of your beloved cats. It's so damn hard to lose them, they're such a big part of our lives and ask so little of us. We can love them forever, though.
posted by yoga at 4:22 PM on January 8 [5 favorites +] [!]


Oh. Oh, dear. I should clarify.

Ms. PixieCat is the nickname I use for my partner, both online and IRL - so it was my mother-in-law that passed away two weeks ago, following an utterly brutal 16-month ordeal with cancer, and not a beloved pet.

But regardless, I appreciate the kindness - thank you!!! - and I'm sorry for any confusion my previous comments may have caused.
posted by tantrumthecat at 7:12 AM on January 22 [1 favorite]


rue72, that sounds really hard. What a good friend you are to realize this is your struggle and not to put that on your friend. It does sound like a huge loss, and I am sorry you face it. tantrumthecat, my condolences on the loss of your mother-in-law.

There is this pity saying that I ran into years ago that probably everyone hear has already heard: "Pain is mandatory. Suffering is optional." I know that I am sometimes my own worst enemy and I also know that I oftentimes make my pain worse. But I honestly feel as though both pain and suffering are built into life. Some folks get way more than their fair share and there is nothing to be done about it. So I try to enjoy the good times, knowing that this, too, will pass, and remind myself during the bad times that yup, we all get to suffer from time to time. I am not privy to most other people's suffering but it is just as real as my own, however invisible to me. Anyway, lots of hugs all around.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:31 AM on January 22 [2 favorites]


Logged in to facebook and found out my libertarian uncle has decided to change his user icon to the smirking maga hat kid.
posted by ckape at 8:33 AM on January 23 [4 favorites]


Government worker who voted for Trump: I feel betrayed

Personally I would be too embarrassed to go on cable TV and admit to this level of stupidity, but I'm not a government worker who voted for Trump.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:27 AM on January 23 [1 favorite]


A place to rant? I need to stop bottling some of this frustration up…

My niece was diagnosed with T1D a couple years ago; thanks to the US healthcare system her family is spending hundreds a month on just health care supplies (test strips, sharps containers, syringes/pump stuff, etc). Nephew was diagnosed with an ASD, as well, so now they have even more co-pays and fees for behavioral therapy. For added fun, while there are funds available to help with these expenses his family makes too much to qualify…because they're indexed to raw income rather than cost of living.

I wish our system was set up so that their parents didn't have to pour hundreds of dollars a month into making sure their kids have a reasonably normal time while still trying to have a reasonably normal time.
posted by caphector at 5:06 PM on January 23 [3 favorites]


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