Fucking Fuck XIX! January 29, 2019 4:38 AM   Subscribe

Oh fuck, the last thread for venting our anger/fear/frustration/other has closed. It's time for a new one.

This is a thread for complaining about literally anything.

"Fuck," he added.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk to MetaFilter-Related at 4:38 AM (132 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

It's too cold and there's a layer of ice all over everything and I'm not looking forward to driving the school bus today.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 5:05 AM on January 29 [6 favorites]


Shitting goddamn. Christing anus-cakes. Turd-snorting cankle-fuckers.

(I find I am cheered by cussing in a ridiculous manner.)

Anyway, my spouse is back at work now that the shutdown is done, which is a major relief for the entire family, but we're all giving side-eye to the conventional wisdom that SURELY, the White House wouldn't be foolish enough to play their losing hand a second time. When this PO(TU)S has casually floated the possibility of doing a horrendous thing (like, say, invoking emergency powers), it's usually been a sign that he fully intends on doing it.

Moons over my motherfucking hammy.
posted by duffell at 5:25 AM on January 29 [12 favorites]


Just saw a supposed cycling advocate on Twitter describe able-bodied people who use e-assist bikes as "lazy af". What? I cycle two kids to school in all weathers on a cargo e-bike and I'm lazy? When I could easily jump in the car or on the bus? Fuck off.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 5:32 AM on January 29 [23 favorites]


I have found it liberating to watch Gordon Ramsay swear on Youtube. Try and find the un-beeped-versions. It's little like outsourcing the What The Fucks to a pro.
posted by Namlit at 5:40 AM on January 29 [10 favorites]


Still reeling from my niece's death. I don't know if I'm ever not going to be reeling.

My best friend's sister had a hemorrhagic stroke and died, all in the space of a week. She was 52. It fucking sucks.

My daughter's boyfriend is being an ass and not putting forth much effort to keep their long distance relationship going, so of course my heart breaks for her.

My dad still has cancer, our relationship is still incredibly, irrevocably complicated, and my mother continues to believe that I can be her sole emotional support when no, I cannot.

I fucking hate my fucking job and there's a new opportunity being dangled in front of me but the person who needs to interview me is so fucking scattered and I have to keep nudging and I hate that and I just want a new job.

I actually love the cold but I am sort of dreading *this* cold that's coming, only because I won't be able to get outside much and enjoy the cold that I like.
posted by cooker girl at 5:43 AM on January 29 [32 favorites]


I know this may seem minor in the grand scheme but believe me when I say:

FUCK YOU, POWERPOINT.
posted by wellred at 5:49 AM on January 29 [42 favorites]


Sorry cooker girl. That all truly fucking sucks. I hope you get the job and that you get to enjoy a little bit of the cold. If you ever want to visit Belfast come and say hi. It’s cold here most of the time! Hugs if you want em.
posted by billiebee at 5:51 AM on January 29 [6 favorites]


My grad school applications are due on the 1st, and I am freaking the fuck out. It is so hard to concentrate on anything except them but I have real life work to do and people who need me to email them back and I also have to sleep and eat and not live in squalor and and and- agh! I also really, really don't want to go in to work tomorrow because there's a high of -4 predicted but I also don't want to stay at home because I'm worried I'll procrastinate all day reading scifi novels because I'm so burnt out I want to live on a spaceship even if aliens are attacking it.
posted by Mouse Army at 6:35 AM on January 29 [3 favorites]


The UK 'Government' and Parliament, currently.
posted by Wordshore at 6:40 AM on January 29 [13 favorites]


I'm in a phase of feeling heartily sick of all the trauma-related work I still need to do, and bitterly resenting the hundreds of hours and thousands of pounds that I've already ploughed into the fucking gaping canyon inside me that someone hollowed out when I was too young to realise what they were doing. I've bought myself a minuscule puddle of self esteem and understanding around why my childhood went the way it did with all of that time and money, and the canyon still gapes, huge and empty.

I'm bored of losing hours every weekend to trauma-related meltdowns over tiny, inconsequential things that my stupid brain (that someone else went and fucked up for me!) cannot handle. I'm bored of doing endless amounts of self-care that don't actually make me feel meaningfully better but do make me capable of intersecting with capitalism the amount I need to so that I can afford to stay miserably alive.

I still believe on some deep and fundamental level that I deserved the abuse I received - the idea that my parents just were that incompetent and callous and low-empathy and unsuited to the job of raising children seems so overwhelming and hopeless that my brain clings onto the idea that it must have been my fault; that the only logical option is that I actually was so gross and wrong and disgusting and unlovable that I caused them to relate to me in ways that hurt me so badly. Because what kind of monster can't relate to or love their own kids properly? The only thing that seems to make any sense is the idea that I must have been the monster, that it must have been my fault, that something awful and innate about me made them treat me that way and if I had just been good enough in some nebulous and intangible way they'd actually have been able to treat me right.

And then I get stuck in that thought loop and feel totally overwhelmed, like my own gross unloveable disgustingness is an actual tangible sticky substance all over me like the remnants of a thick brown amniotic sac (the kind the Uruk-Hai burst out of in the Lord of the Rings movies, specifically), and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try and how good and moral and fucking virtuous a life I try to live, I will never be able to scrub that innate grossness off my skin and it feels like it's suffocate me.

I'm just so tired of trying so hard and always feeling shitty anyway. I have not had even a fraction of pleasure or enjoyment out of this life comparable to the hefty dose of misery that my upbringing left me with, even though I have a ton of privilege in so many other ways and I feel gross and guilty about feeling this way. At this rate I feel my tombstone should read, "I tried, and tried, and it still sucked and still wasn't worth it".

I mean, I'm going to keep trying, because the other option would inflict a ton of further trauma on people I love and I'm not willing to do that. But trying sucks, and I get so little joy out of being alive that it just feels like constant pain and work, and I hate it.

My life is not completely terrible, and a lot of things are going right at the moment; it would just be great if I could enjoy them rather than having a ton of mental scaffolding that even after years of therapy basically won't ever let me have a nice time. I've been out of the house of abuse for more than a decade, and the more-abusive of my two parents has been dead nearly half that time, and I still live inside the prison that they built for me, and it sucks in here and I have no idea how much more fucking trying I am supposed to do before I finally get to burst free and fly away.

(Or, as John Darnielle put it:

Sometimes a great wave of forgetfulness
Rises up and blesses me
And other times the sickness howls
And I despair of any remedy
)
posted by terretu at 6:40 AM on January 29 [38 favorites]


I'm halfway through a really crazy time in my life and there's a serious inflection point at the end of May and I'm under tremendous pressure.

In 2016 I decided to re-skill into computer science. I quit my job managing a restaurant and took a job at UPenn in order to get tuition benefits. I've been full-time doing a BA in Cognitive Science: Computation and Cognition while working full-time as a business administrator for a clinical department. At the end of this semester, I apply for submatriculation into the School of Engineering for a masters in computer and information tech.

I've been doing well in my classes (yay 35 years old in university) but I really really really need to get straight As again this semester in order to make my grad school app the best it can be, and this semester is my most difficult yet with all quant classes. Plus my job is a full 40+ hours a week. I'm working 6 days right now, "sneaking" into my office on Saturdays after the gym to stay on top of everything. It just feels like I'm sprinting so hard. I know it will be worth it but the pressure is immense.

Fucking fuck.
posted by lazaruslong at 6:47 AM on January 29 [17 favorites]


Ah, fucking fuck terretu. I'm currently in a spot in my therapy for some similar bizness where I don't feel like crap all the time and I wish I could share it with you.
posted by wellred at 6:52 AM on January 29 [7 favorites]


Oh terretu, if it helps in any way, I have one billion zillion hugs for you. I am so sorry that you are trapped in such a nightmare through no fault of your own.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:28 AM on January 29 [8 favorites]


I'm going to turn 50 this year. There's nothing like dealing with the fact that no one wants to date you, ever, AND that your mom is 78 and starting to slow down. She's always been intense, and THANK YOU METAFILTER I've always been able to set good boundaries. But now, as she gets tired more easily and rants about how her great American novel is most definitely going to be published next year, I can only look at her sadly and go home to an empty house and eat Doritos.

Just the other day, she said, "I'd like you to read ten pages of the book."

Since she keeps rewriting the same ten pages year after year, I finally said "I will not read it until you've written 50 pages."

(Still in the same voice she's used on me since I was born) "Well, I need to know if I'm going in the right direction, so I need you to read ten pages."

"Well, then you need to figure out on your own if you're going in the right direction, that's part of the writing process."

And the hurt in her eyes as she then said "okay" just stabbed me. It shouldn't, because we're both grown-ass adults, but it did anyway, and I should be grateful that at her age she's writing books and not staring at game shows and bitching about her health, but ... well, goddamn it, I'm pretty miserable myself, an online guy just asked if I like being tickled, and I need some support too. Maybe I'll look into support groups. *Googles* Hmmm, all the support groups for caregivers are focused on those where family members who need to vent after wiping butts. I wonder if there are support groups that are more mild in temperament. Time for another Ask Me! You guys have no idea how you've saved me over the years.
posted by sockerpup at 8:21 AM on January 29 [20 favorites]


The midwest is fucking cold
posted by fluttering hellfire at 8:42 AM on January 29 [17 favorites]


Because what kind of monster can't relate to or love their own kids properly?

terretu, I wish there was something I could do or say to help you, but this jumped out at me, and while it’s not good news at all, the answer is that there are all kinds of parents out there that are either unable or unwilling to relate to or love their children. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Your parents were their own people, and when they had you, they had a responsibility to you, and whatever it was that left you feeling like you do is a clear sign they failed to meet that responsibility, and oh lord, I wish I could help you see that it’s not on you that they didn’t meet that responsibility.

I’m sure that there are lucky people out there that thrived because of wonderful upbringings, but there are just as many of us still here, surviving in spite of the failings of our parents. I know your journey towards recovering isn’t necessarily going to be boosted by this random comment from an internet stranger, but I hope for the best for you.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:00 AM on January 29 [12 favorites]


Posting from the dentist chair while having my first ever cavity fixed.
Made it to middle-age so a pretty good run but man is this a seriously unpleasant experience.I don't know how people do it all the time.

And while I am grateful to be able to afford dental care, with what this is costing me, it makes me wonder why I'm paying for dental "insurance".
posted by madajb at 11:08 AM on January 29 [1 favorite]


I’m in the “I will never get laid again, and also I’ll die alone” phase of my breakup. Progress? It’s sort of an improvement over the “abandon all hope” phase.

I’m about to give notice at my retail job. I really like working there (in some ways the best job I’ve ever had, honestly), but it’s not something I can keep doing. I’ve only been there for three months, and it’s not like I should make retail part of my long-term planning, but it would have been nice to be there longer. It’s the kind of cool retail job that impresses people, so it’s also just sort of disappointing to lose this minor hipster cred.

This has been the most stressful and difficult week of my life. My entire life, as I’ve known it for the past 7+ years, is changing dramatically all at once.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 11:55 AM on January 29 [3 favorites]


M I G R A I N E

my health insurance is running out 4 months earlier than i expected so i will not in fact be able to finish repairing my spine

this is fine it's great it's super i definitely will not commit war crimes
posted by poffin boffin at 12:10 PM on January 29 [5 favorites]


Seriously, fuck Howard Shultz.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 12:23 PM on January 29 [15 favorites]


A mentor just let us know his cancer is back and has metastasized. He went through hell when it was first diagnosed a few years ago. His kids are in high school. I'm just a third party and have no right to grief, but where's the wall I can punch?
posted by basalganglia at 12:31 PM on January 29 [3 favorites]


If you feel grief, you have a right to grief, as long as you follow the ring theory.
posted by wellred at 12:34 PM on January 29 [7 favorites]


is this where we can tell Howard Schultz to fuck off, then? Because I need to tell Howard Schultz to fuck off.
posted by Justinian at 12:50 PM on January 29 [11 favorites]


I still have a broken tibial plateau. The surgery went very well, but it will be 7 weeks until that leg can bear weight. Then PT can start.

Fucking icy sidewalks.
posted by hwyengr at 12:53 PM on January 29 [2 favorites]


If you'll pardon the intrusion of some good news into the thread, the direly sick foster cat from the previous fucking fuck thread pulled through and will hopefully find a forever home via the SPCA.

On the other hand, my basement flooded this morning. Again. But I caught it early and it'll probably only be a few hundred dollars of repairs which I'm lucky enough to be able to soak, as it were.
posted by Candleman at 12:56 PM on January 29 [10 favorites]


I'm going to have to move by the end of March because my landlord is selling my house. I'm going to end up paying more in rent and I'll almost certainly have a shittier yard (the place I live now is kind of a miracle). And I HATE moving SOOOOO much. Fucking Fuck.
posted by Weeping_angel at 1:03 PM on January 29 [4 favorites]


Fucking fuck.

As a lot of yall know I've been dealing with the aftermath of Stage IV kidney cancer since mid-2017. They yanked out my left kidney and a football-sized tumor, but I still have mets in my lungs and my left shoulder.

Well, the Votrient (daily pill chemo) I took for the past year stopped being effective, so they've switched me to once-a-month IV immunotherapy and bone strengthening stuff. One hour of treatment, then I've got about eight hours of "being OK", then I feel like I've been run over by a truck for a couple of days and am very weak (body thinks it has the world's worst flu, without actually having the flu).

Well, apparently other side effects can happen up to TWO OR THREE MONTHS after a treatment from the immunotherapy - making my immune system go nuts against itself. The past three weeks have been a blur of sick leave and just trying not to die.. My entire upper torso (minus face, neck, etc) is now dealing with what is called "Chemo Rash" and thankfully its not flaring up and hurting, it just looks really bad.

As part of those three past weeks in addition to the chemo side effects, the doc had put me on Lexapro to deal with my severe depression (you know, the kind you get when you know that you're eventually going to die sooner than later). It worked great for the depression, but also COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY turned off my appetite. I'm a big guy. I like food. I had zero appetite or interest in food at all. At one point a couple of weeks ago I didn't eat for five days. (tried to stay hydrated tho). Fortunately we've gotten me off of that and onto Prozac, which I've taken before and it's not causing any of the problems the Lexapro was.

So, now I've got more lost weight (I'm down about 200 lbs from a couple of years ago) in addition to loose wrinkly skin everywhere that's also dealing with a rash on top of a lot of it. Until I got put on 60mg/day of Prednisone last week, I could barely walk due to leg cramps and pain and weakness. Simply getting from bed to the bathroom was agony - and then I get an email from work's HR being picky about my PTO use...

It's January 29th, and I have less than five days of PTO / vacation time left for the entire YEAR - and those will quickly be used up two days at a time, once a month, for my ongoing treatments. So I'll eventually have to take two days a month off without pay, so I can go home and feel like shit and wait to eventually die.

My house has no central heat - the furnace has been broken for a couple of years. I have to use a tiny space heater next to the bed to stay warm when it gets cold here in Houston.

In addition to all the crap I've gone through for the past month-ish, I've been too sick to write back to a neat penpal I made through MeFi and that bums me out.

I'd bought myself a new TV (yay Samsung 50" 4K) a couple of days after Christmas - things have been so hectic and screwed up (there's been days where I didn't leave my bedroom/bath area of the house for 2-3 days) that I didn't get to set up and power up the new TV for the first time until TWO DAYS AGO. And now tonight it's too cold to sit in that part of the house and watch TV.

A minor anti-fuck: the president of my HOA/neighborhood association took it upon herself to secrely rally a bunch of my neighbors to not only take my trash cans to and from the street for me every week - someone volunteered to make/freeze/bring-over dinner for me, for every night I'm unable to deal with stuff due to the chemo treatments. This past weekend I had to tell them to STOP bringing over food because I was out of room in the fridge/freezer :D

My evil roommates are out but their room full of junk is still here. It can sit and wait until someone can deal with it. It's a 3 bedroom house and it's only me here now.

Oh and as a final fucking fuck: I got dumped by my girlfriend (of 5+ months) over the phone the week after Thanksgiving, while at home dealing with chemo effects.. "with your health issues and my crazy work schedule we should go back to being friends...".. yeah.. the same health issues I've had since I met her, and the same schedule we'd been working around.. I know the REAL reason she broke up with me, and it's not kind or nice, but I understand, and I just wish things had been handled better.

This was my first Christmas Eve without any real family (Mom passed back in June). I sat at home and cried and thought about killing myself to get things over with, but finally just went to bed.

Life hurts. My soul hurts. But I don't ever want to be a burden or a problem to my friends or family so I mostly try to power through it and go through all this alone.
posted by mrbill at 1:20 PM on January 29 [39 favorites]


I don't really have it that bad on the whole, but I sure would love to experience a day where my knees and back work like they used to. I'm pretty fucking tired of how routine things like sitting in a meeting or going out to get lunch can suddenly become a physical ordeal.
posted by ferret branca at 1:24 PM on January 29 [3 favorites]


I don’t even like looking at Schultz’s fucking face let alone unmuting the video.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:12 PM on January 29 [3 favorites]


1) the world is horrifying but...

2) my personal life is great, EXCEPT...

for the near constant level of pain my body seems to have decided is the new normal for us. do not want.

anyone know a good skeletal-replacement surgeon?
posted by supermedusa at 2:21 PM on January 29 [3 favorites]


My bad neighbors went right ahead and had a baby a year ago. It just never ends with them, but I've been exploring some options that might attenuate their behavior over the long haul.

terretu: you aren't alone. If you're also in that yawning miasma of suburban roots, between "school shooter" and "Stepford Spouse...by choice," there's plenty of reason to consider yourself raised by wolves. For some people The Ice Storm (or The Squid and the Whale) is pretty close to a documentary. If I misread, well, now you know where my head is at.

Or, as John Darnielle put it:

My version is, "big smile, short memory." I forget where I heard it, lo so many years ago. I used to use it as an excuse to smoke more pot than I normally would, but then I found myself having trouble finding a job, or even interviewing, so I keep it a little more at arm's length now.

Now, I'm off to the library before neighborbaby starts screaming.
posted by rhizome at 2:36 PM on January 29 [4 favorites]


hugs mrbill
posted by supermedusa at 2:40 PM on January 29 [10 favorites]


oh goodness, I need this today.

FUCKING STUPID SCHOOL SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MR. SCIENCE McFUCKSTICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUPID, EASILY SHEEPLE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS WHO DO NOT HAVE AN OUNCE OF EMPATHY IN THEIR BONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and a million more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and on top of that, my doctor told me some not great health news today. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by alathia at 2:49 PM on January 29 [4 favorites]


A (now-retired) mentor stopped by today to tell me that he had pancreatic cancer, which is bad.

Also bad: his goal to live long enough to vote in the Democratic presidential primaries, so that he can make sure nobody quote "too left" unquote gets in. Which, just. Dude. You made your fortune directly enabling irresponsible, speculative real estate that led directly to the great fucking recession, then retired exactly when the shit hit the fan, so that you could spend that fortune to travel the world on bucket-list trip after another.

And now, you're standing in my office saying that you want to live long enough to make sure Elizabeth Warren or whatever can't enact meaningful financial regulation of the industries you enabled.

Fuck cancer, but also, fuck you.
posted by joyceanmachine at 2:52 PM on January 29 [18 favorites]


Everyone in the pianoblack household is sick to one extent or another. We are a chorus of coughs, stuffy noses, and the occasional low-grade fever.

The owner of the pediatric practice my wife works for is basically tanking the business. In response my wife has been updating her c.v., trying to "network" in her organization, and making phone calls. We've had contingency plan discussions. We'll pull through, it will all work out in the end, but the stresses pile up. I'm not looking forward to being the sole income earner for a few months, since - stop me if you've heard this one before - burnout seems to be on the horizon.

Note to self: call the damn therapist and schedule an appointment.
posted by pianoblack at 2:55 PM on January 29 [5 favorites]


anyone know a good skeletal-replacement surgeon?

This knocked the dust off on my brain of a story maybe 10 years ago of someone who got catfished and was told she couldn't see him because she was in the hospital for a rare full muscle transplant. It may have been Fark.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 2:58 PM on January 29 [2 favorites]


Life hurts. My soul hurts. But I don't ever want to be a burden or a problem to my friends or family so I mostly try to power through it and go through all this alone.

Shared pain is lessened. At least that's the theory. Thank you for telling us, and still being here.
posted by pianoblack at 3:02 PM on January 29 [17 favorites]


My kid threw a book at my foot and it really hurt. And then he laughed at me for being in pain. Toddlers are jerks sometimes.
posted by sciencegeek at 3:02 PM on January 29 [8 favorites]


Life hurts. My soul hurts. But I don't ever want to be a burden or a problem to my friends or family so I mostly try to power through it and go through all this alone.

mrbill, please get one of your friends or family members to bring a goddamned space heater to where the TV is so you can watch it or to move the TV to your bedroom. If that is not possible then MeMail me your address and I will have a space heater delivered, no kidding, you put up with enough without giving up your TV too. I am totally serious about this and I am rooting for you.

If you have a choice, please don't die alone unless you really, really want to. Sending you and all the other people in pain here all the hugs I have.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:05 PM on January 29 [37 favorites]


Just got back from my first dentist visit in... far too long.
I need:
2 crowns
2 extractions
1 implant
And I have other issues that we’re not even dealing with yet. The number of 5’s in my pocket measurements was frightening.
Goodbye thousands of dollars.
posted by greermahoney at 3:05 PM on January 29 [2 favorites]


mrbill, I’ll go halvsies with Bella Donna on that space heater. Srsly. Being cold sucks.
posted by greermahoney at 3:10 PM on January 29 [8 favorites]


FUUUUUUUUCK

After over a year of like, actual, no-bottom-line behavior sobriety from my process addiction of choice, a bunch of emotional and relationship stuff reached out and bit me in the last couple of weeks and I may not be making the best choices right now.
posted by hanov3r at 3:25 PM on January 29 [4 favorites]


Regarding the space heater etc.. I'm fine on that, y'all. I have a nice recliner in the bedroom where the heater is and I have laptop / tablet / phone / etc for multimedia entertainments AND even *gasp* my always-on Echo Dot for streaming NPR or whatzever.

(Although I do have to be careful with the TX weather and not turn on the space heater AND the window AC unit at the same time unless I want to have to run out in the back yard in my underwear at 3am to flip a breaker.. darn 1957 house with one circuit per room, or worse...)

And with the weird weather we're having lately.. 30s tonight, and a high of 74 on Sunday.. I have a folding chair sitting next to the bed. It gets either the Vornado fan or the space heater depending on what weather that night looks like...
posted by mrbill at 3:30 PM on January 29 [6 favorites]


i've never posted in one of these threads before but what the fuck why not i love to complain.

i gotta have surgery on monday for a pretty big uterine fibroid that has been making me miserable for like 2 years (i only recently went to the doc about it and i was all set for them to say "IT IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD STOP BEING A BABY" but it turns out i actually have a thing so that was sorta vindicating in a way)

my choices were hysterectomy or this other thing called UFE where they put some crap in the blood vessels that feed the fibroid so it dies and stops bothering me. i chose this over the hysterectomy because my band is going to Australia to play a really big festival in the beginning of march and i wanted to make sure i was recovered enough, and the recovery time for this UFE thing is way less than a hysterectomy i guess.

But what if it doesn't work? I'm in so much pain like every frickin day. i sort of wish i had opted just to cut out my dang womb to get it over with.

and i know i should be totally stoked to play this festival, and go to Australia, and then go on tour opening for jawbreaker who have been one of my favorite bands since i was a teenager, but I CANT EVEN MAKE MYSELF BE EXCITED because i feel too crappy all the time.

aaah fuck i hope this works and i can be excited about things again soon

also it's so cold and my electric bill is gonna be a million dollars but if i turn on the space heater it will be two million dollars

and i hate postgresql and i'm mad that i am supposed to be some kinda expert in it when i am not but my boss thinks i should be because i am good at sql server. THEY ARE REALLY DIFFERENT THOUGH!

AND i cleaned out my fridge BUT IT STILL SMELLS FUCKIN WEIRD and i don't wanna be a person with a smelly fridge waaaaah

in summary, fucking waaaah
posted by capnsue at 3:46 PM on January 29 [16 favorites]


fuck you building management rep! when you are told "yes i DO mind" it does NOT mean "go ahead and do it" I agreed to show you where the leak was, how DARE you twist what i said! You don't like it when women assert themselves, hmmm? Martha Stewart doesn't fucking live here!

can someone tell me what the nyc laws are wrt books stacked against walls?
posted by brujita at 3:57 PM on January 29 [4 favorites]


That does suck, capnsue, sorry to hear it. greermahoney, I had one 8 pocket and one 9 and lived to tell the tale. It sucks but with good treatment and effort you can be okay.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:57 PM on January 29 [4 favorites]


Oh my goodness! Thank you for that info, Bella Donna. *hugs* Yeah, I’m committed to getting this shit fixed and then never letting it get this bad again.
posted by greermahoney at 4:01 PM on January 29 [2 favorites]


Now that you bring it up, I'm just getting to the home stretch of my late-model dental work, which unfortunately does not appear to be putting the fear of St. Apollonia into me, so fuck my toothbrushing habits! They suck!
posted by rhizome at 4:20 PM on January 29 [2 favorites]


I have been unemployed since mid-December. After paying the rent for February I will be just about at the end of my severance funds. And I was turned down for yet another job today.

The worst part is that on the way to that particular interview I slipped on some sidewalk ice and landed directly on my tailbone. So I’ve been mildly injured while also freaked out about paying bills.

Fuck you, winter.
posted by janepanic at 4:33 PM on January 29 [9 favorites]


I became aware today that the Trumpist Right believes John Brennan--FORMER DIRECTOR OF THE CIA JOHN BRENNAN--is an actual honest to God communist. John Brennan. A communist. Apparently the belief became widespread after THE FUCKING GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA repeated it on the campaign trail.

I know the joke is "2019 amirite" but I feel like this one is at least 2021. Fucking goddamn, what the everloving dickcheese is this?
posted by duffell at 7:02 PM on January 29 [9 favorites]


Fuck poverty. One of my funding ended which I feel like I can't be mad at cause it went 2 years longer than it should so now I have to live on 549 a month after rent. Shits hard. And its forcing me to quit crap that wasn't healthy for me but unhealthy crap was my prime joy and way of coping with disability. I have no cooking skills from a life time of abusive crap and now have to figure out how to feed myself on 140 a month cause the rest goes to bills and debt and other people have it worse but fuuuck it is just a constant state of stress to pay everything.

And fuck pain. Every. Single. Day. I'm so exhausted and my nerves won't stop burning and clothes hurt and my hair hurts and i'm soooooo tired of waking up in pain. Fuck bursting into sobs cause the isolation hurts but people suck with helping. I just want to be in a coma for a few years or forever. Fuck trying to find reasons to keep going. I will but fuck it.

And I am really struggling to not just move back in with abusive family cause at least they paid for things or had laundry machines on the same floor or I had a yard so I could have my dog.
posted by kanata at 7:09 PM on January 29 [15 favorites]


From the megathread:

The Trump Administration Is Trying to Make It Easier for Doctors to Deny Care to LGBTQ People: Health-care providers would be able to refuse to provide treatment, referrals, or assistance with procedures if these activities would violate their stated religious or moral convictions. "The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) announced last week that it is close to finalizing a conscience protection rule that would allow people to discriminate in health-care settings under cover of law."
posted by homunculus at 7:20 PM on 1/29
[+] [!]


I guess "I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures that are required" was just a bunch of pleasant-sounding words, then?
posted by J.K. Seazer at 7:41 PM on January 29 [3 favorites]


I just had a MeFi comment deleted, and I am *surprisingly* salty about it. For the first time ever (salty, that is). I might empathize with peeps here in MetaTalk a little bit better because of that. So that’s good!
posted by clseace at 8:01 PM on January 29 [5 favorites]


(CW for disordered eating)
I keep wasting my evenings on my ED, and my gingivitis/teeth sensitivity is getting worse... I don't have another dentist appointment until mid this year, and I'm just super paranoid about my teeth... just not enough to stop with the ED. Sigh.

Also I have vague gender discontent but what can I do about it in this society, blah, I'm also an ambitious money-grubber who doesn't want to face backlash for standing out, even though the people who would give me problems are assholes who I shouldn't care about anyways. -.- I'm hoping this year I can feel brave enough to go to Pride without feeling like a massive sham (yay for being asexual and agender and possibly aromantic and wondering if I'm just uncomfortable with existence in general. I have no idea how to explain this to any of my friends, even my savvier LGBT friends. Whatever, I guess) Pride's several months away, but my ducking out of attending last moment last year still weighs on me now... Fuck people in power and gender and the whole concept of having to be alive to be honest. Yuck.
posted by devrim at 8:42 PM on January 29 [7 favorites]


The morning after the night before. Yesterday in parliament, the UK 'government' deliberately exacerbated a difficult situation (of its own making), turning it into an impossible situation for the purpose of ultimately blaming the EU for it being impossible. This morning, politicians from the same 'government' are on TV, lying continuously (e.g. there'll be no significant changes to everyday life if there is no deal, we'll simply move onto WTO rules, unicorns for everyone), and being largely unchecked from inadequate and compliant journalists and interviewers.

A few of us who have kept our perspective and sanity, and not lost it to rampant nationalism/racism/xenophobia, are off to the depths of the rural countryside to consider matters, and our collective and individual ways ahead. No wifi or mobile (which is probably a good thing, to avoid the stream of bad news for a short while at least), but there will be good cheese, so there's that.
posted by Wordshore at 1:30 AM on January 30 [12 favorites]


I dread Pride all year, devrim. But if you want to attend and you're not cishet, anyone who says you don't belong is incorrect.

I've just got a dumb tiniest-violin thing that's stressing me out because pet stuff does that. Kitty 2 (tax) had to get some dental work done, and since he stayed at the vet all day, Kitty 1's all like "hissss, interloper, I don't know youuuuuu". It's so frustrating, but she doesn't know better. He smells weird, humans!! He's clearly a pod cat!

And we now know that K2 may have to go through this every year or so, because he's just prone to tooth decay. Preventative measures incoming. Oh, you infuriating adorable furry bastards.
posted by cage and aquarium at 8:17 AM on January 30 [5 favorites]


When I got to my Mom's last night, she had fallen and was too weak to get up. I had to pick her up. She was disoriented and felt hot. I think she has a urinary tract infection which is a big problem for an inactive 88 y.o. person. I slept on the couch last night near her room after looking after her. A doc appointment is scheduled in a little bit. I sure hope that's "all" it is. But, I know it's just the next thing that will be followed by another thing and another.

She does not want any help. Refuses help. Doesn't need it. So, the "non-help" (me) is all there is. I work 3 jobs. And, she's number 4. I don't resent it, other than it could be so much easier if she'd allow help. I'm so tired.
posted by mightshould at 8:27 AM on January 30 [14 favorites]


I didn't post this story in this thread because I live in the Mid-Atlantic and didn't want to seem to be complaining.

I'm wearing winter gear and carrying two bags as I walking down the icy sidewalk. I'm walking to the post office. An UPS truck slows down and the driver pokes his head out and yells "BITCH." Before I have time to process, he speeds off.

I suppose this was directed at me because I'm off work (I work at a school) and the driver has to go on delivering parcels from an open cab in freezing weather. However, I do not owe him the emotional labor of psychologizing why he chooses to emotionally projectile vomit at people he doesn't know.
posted by bad grammar at 10:44 AM on January 30 [12 favorites]


I'd only gotten about an hour or two of sleep a night for the past few days due to all the Prenisone I'm on and it was making me cranky and sad (see yesterday's comment).. I got about 10 hours of sleep last night and today I feel WONDERFUL.. just in time for another chemo treatment. *shrug* hehe.

Thanks for the kind words and comments and MeMails.
posted by mrbill at 10:46 AM on January 30 [5 favorites]


It's really, really, really cold (3 degrees, three) where I am. I had to evacuate my apartment a week ago really quickly and I left with an odd assortment of clothes, left behind some key things, and will be displaced for at least three more weeks. I hate this and I just want to go home. When I get there, I will have to say goodbye to the apartment I've lived in for four years and find a new home. Rents have skyrocketed since I moved in, and I'll be paying about 25% more than I pay now for an abjectly worse place. And I have a good job, am frugal, and don't feel like I want much. But "not much" is apparently quite a lot. The worst part is that my cat died last year and ever since, I had planned to get a dog... during the very week I had to evacuate. I haven't found any rentals in my area that allow dogs yet, so that will probably have to be put on hold. It's a really big bummer.
posted by sockermom at 10:55 AM on January 30 [7 favorites]


sockermom: both of my elderly cats passed away within the past 3 years.. and then with my cancer diagnosis and treatments, its not a good idea for me to be around pets (compromised immune system, plus just not enough time/energy to be a proper pet daddy). I miss my little buddies so much... so hugs to you.
posted by mrbill at 11:00 AM on January 30 [6 favorites]


This fucking tweet has stuck in my craw for days:
"In the beautiful Midwest, windchill temperatures are reaching minus 60 degrees, the coldest ever recorded. In coming days, expected to get even colder. People can’t last outside even for minutes. What the hell is going on with Global Waming? Please come back fast, we need you!"

-- Donald Trump
Fuck you! When our children look back in horror at how little those in power did, they'll come across quotes like this and read them as the crimes against humanity that they are.
posted by Static Vagabond at 12:04 PM on January 30 [14 favorites]


There was a small earthquake this morning in San Francisco which was to quite entertaining. What is less entertaining is that while in wait for the ferry I finally did it. I dropped my phone on concrete and cracked the screen. I have dropped my phone so many times but this time... just spiderwebs of cracks. It’s such a small thing but very annoying. It’s my fault for being such a klutz. Minor miracle I’ve never done it before. Not sure I have the money to replace the phone too. Wheeeeeeee.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 2:12 PM on January 30 [4 favorites]


My mom has gone from “weird old lady” crazy to “claiming there’s a neighborhood conspiracy to kill her dog and accusing my girlfriend of planting DEVICES that make the dog sick” rather than him just being sick and old. I was hoping to stay here a few more months to get my financial legs under me but she’s vaguely threatened my cats and that’s my last straw, so I’m writing up a GoFundMe so we can get our own place. So that’s fun. I love begging.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 2:35 PM on January 30 [9 favorites]


I am currently in Florida with Mrs. Example visiting her parents. That's not in and of itself a bad thing--they're lovely people, and I'm glad to see them again for the first time in a few years. (They were supposed to come see us in the UK, but her dad broke his hip last November, and is still recovering from that. Happily, he seems to be healing up slowly but surely, and is getting all of his physiotherapy in.)

But.

Her dad's memory is going, and it's painful for both of us to see him forgetting things, having to be told the same story two or three times, and so on. I know it's worse on her mom, obviously, and I feel like an ass being all "poor us" about it.

Also, on a really petty "I feel like a dick" level, her dad's hearing has also started to go. This ordinarily wouldn't be a problem, since he has hearing aids...but he refuses to wear them. Evening TV this entire week has been an absolute goddamned ordeal of crime dramas delivered at blaring volume directly into my eardrums, and it's only worse when the commercials come on. He occasionally remembers to mute the volume during them, but not often enough. It is driving me crazy, and a couple of times I've been this close to retreating into our bedroom with my laptop until he goes to bed.

Tiny thing. Petty of me. It makes me feel like a jackass. Still...fuck.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:26 PM on January 30 [3 favorites]


How for-profit healthcare ruined my plans I was really excited about, a story.

Context: I am an agency nurse, meaning I go from place to place to fill in gaps. I have predominantly worked at one place that I really liked until this week for reasons that will become clear shortly. It’s a comfortable existence as millennial precarious unemployment goes—at least I can pay my bills and still have money in the end—but that still doesn’t change the fact that, in an ideal world, employers would hire their own damn per diem employees with benefits over people like me.

1) December: A full time RN quits at my usual workplace, Health$BeforePeople (HBP). Because I am on an assignment elsewhere, my agency doesn’t want to pull me away. HBP brings in a different agency guy (Bob) who is familiar with their model.
2) Bob starts the job, sees that he has a massive backlog of work stemming from at least two past RNs not keeping up with routine screenings, plus regular everyday emergencies to deal with, and freaks the fuck out.
3) My other job ends after Christmas, and the manager of HBP (Jane) brings me in explicitly to work on Bob’s backlog of routine stuff while he tends to current pressing issues. I whip some spreadsheets up for tracking, break down some tasks into manageable chunks for him. Classic women cleaning up after men’s incompetence stuff.
3A) Several other full-time staff members tell me privately that they lobbied the management to hire me full-time, or at least bring me in as a long-term sub instead of Bob initially, but management declined to do this for financial reasons. Doesn’t consistency with care actually save you money in the end?
4) Another full-time nurse takes a short vacation, and management asks me to stop babysitting Bob for a bit to cover her. During this week, one of Bob’s patients, Dave, is due for a regular assessment. Every patient at HBP gets one of these assessments every six months, and management is fanatical about having them done on time. Bob gives Dave a routine vaccine he was overdue for but somehow doesn’t get his assessment in.
5) Management decides that they’re done with Bob. They tell him to shove off and give his caseload to me, their precariat golden child. By this time the other nurse I was covering for is back from vacation so I can focus all my time on Bob’s former patients.
6) Dave is found to have bedbugs. Anyone with known bedbugs is barred from coming into HBP offices. His assessment is also due in three days. Oops! Guess who’s stuck going out to visit Dave in his bedbug infested home?
7) I put on my big girl scrubs, plus an HBP-issued full body bedbug protection suit, and head out to visit Dave at home. He’s doing well. Super nice guy. I ditch the body suit in Dave’s apartment, make my way home, throw whatever clothes can go in the washer in there immediately, and bag up my shoes and non-machine-washable coat.
8) Even with all those precautions, I still text my friend who’s supposed to drive me to an event later tonight and tell him I’ve been exposed to bedbugs as a matter of courtesy.
9) My friend, quite reasonably, says he doesn’t want me in his car so soon after bedbug exposure. I ask about going on public transit instead, but many of the people we’d be seeing tonight are very vulnerable in many ways and we don’t want to run any risk of bedbug transmission.

This event is rarely occurring, unusual, and frankly what I was counting on for solace after a whole day of bullshit.

Tldr; Management being cheap and relying on one temp to clean after another one’s mess got me here. Fuck them, fuck male entitlement, fuck for profit healthcare, etc. Also if I do turn out to have bedbugs: my household is four adults, two cats, one dog, and a whole lotta crap. The entire management staff had better bag all of said crap for us personally.
posted by I am a Sock, I am an Island at 4:58 PM on January 30 [14 favorites]


I'm having an allergic reaction to my bra for some reason and so I have THE ITCHIEST back and underboobs ever but I am in a very conservative place and there is, I am learning, no subtle way to scratch your underboob.
posted by ChuraChura at 11:46 PM on January 30 [9 favorites]


My sickly dog is afflicted yet again by interminable gastro-intestinal issues: very diarrhoea; many sleepless; such vet bills; wow.

Not to mention that cacknubbin in the national custard: bloody Brexit.
posted by misteraitch at 6:16 AM on January 31 [6 favorites]


I am by nature non-violent but dog help me I don't know what I'll do if I bump into Mitch McConnell on the street, the probability of which is non-zero.

Also I'm forty and still essentially living paycheck to paycheck and it's fucking bullshit.
posted by aspersioncast at 9:58 AM on January 31 [5 favorites]


I just found out that the cause of my constantly breaking ankles, ruptured tendons and my terminally bruised skin (caution, waxing causes people to fear for your safety) is Ehlers-Danlos Syndromes and while I'm happy to have found a diagnosis, I am not super happy about the whole chronic illness thing. Though, I've had chronic illness for years, just didn't know what it was. Explains why I can still wrap my legs around my neck despite being 48 years old. It also explains why I'm so fucking exhausted all the time.
posted by Sophie1 at 1:58 PM on January 31 [15 favorites]


I fucking hate Apple airpods and they constantly tempt me toward viciousness.
posted by aspersioncast at 8:11 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]


aspersioncast: I fucking hate Apple airpods

Eponysterical.

Also, why the hatred?
posted by hanov3r at 8:46 AM on February 1


Fuck you, email I've been waiting for since the end of December.
posted by Morpeth at 3:16 PM on February 1 [1 favorite]


This is on the light side of life and a quote from an article about high end masterpieces on super yachts. This just blew my mind.
Tilman Kriesel, founder of an art advisory firm, told the conference one client asked how to display a Rothko that was too tall for a yacht’s grand saloon. “We turned the piece by 90 degrees,” he said. “The artist would probably be turning in his grave, but we took a deep breath and said ‘it’s your painting, do what you like’.”

Another of Kriesel’s clients had a piece by the Japanese modern artist Takashi Murakami that he wanted to display in the “beach club” – the rear of superyachts where owners access jet skis and other water toys – but again it was the wrong size. “In the end we cut it up to make it fit,” he said."
posted by Oyéah at 12:45 PM on February 2 [2 favorites]


Fuck ailing bodies again. Having a major nerve problem so now I can't even sit long enough to knit.

Who do I see about a refund on bodies?

Like my pain has already taken away my dog so now it is going to take my knitting. What a right bastard.
posted by kanata at 9:51 AM on February 3 [5 favorites]


Hugs, kanata. (and everyone else, too!)

I was driving to meet a friend yesterday and This American Life came on. Here's their synopsis :

Ira tells the story of Dave, a former heroin addict who, with his friend Chris, launches a podcast inspired by the Howard Stern Show. Except it’s all about heavy drug use. (5 minutes)
His podcast was more "stories about being on drugs" than "stories about how I got sober", because Dave felt sobriety is boring and not entertaining. My husband is a huge Howard Stern fan, and was (is?) very into reading trip reports and erowid blah blah, and would have, if not created this podcast himself, loved it. It sounded like an interesting story, and I kept flipping back and forth because I wanted to listen, but it was way too close to home.

I changed over to a local pop station, and the DJ said "hey, we're going to run a poll -- call in with your answers!!! Would you date someone who is separated, but still married, or is that off limits?". I yelled "God Dammit!!" , slapped at the radio, and rode the rest of the way in silence. I mean, come. on. srsly universe. stahp.

I also had a weird email exchange with huz + church people a few weeks ago that I can't stop haranguing myself about. It was minor, really, and I know rationally that I did the best I could under the shittyass circumstances, but.... gah. I even worked through this for a good 40 min w my therapist, talked it over with a friend, and it's still in my headspace giving me misery.

I feel like these are minor gripes compared to some of the struggles you all are going through, but they're real, and I'm grateful for this space to vent them. Thank you.
posted by Fig at 10:51 AM on February 3 [6 favorites]


The fucking shutdown keeps on giving. I just learned that an NPO I work with in Japan is NOT getting a decent sized chunk of grant money because it is accounted for in the US and our 501(c)3 approval was held up juuuust long enough to fuck it up. We really didn't need that 30K anyway. Fuck.
posted by Gotanda at 1:05 AM on February 4 [2 favorites]


I’m annoyed that my comments in the political thread get deleted with no explanation and no real fucking reason. All I said was that the Fairfax accusation made every other accusation from that media hit squad suspect. What the hell, mods?
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 3:01 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]


Heya - you can always hit up the contact form to ask about this kind of thing; in that case it was phrased as a "what if -- I know this is tinfoil hat territory but..." kind of speculation, and we've been asking folks to kinda keep a lid on those unless there's something more to back it up. Then you made a second comment with more of a basis which stood.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 4:05 PM on February 4


I put in my 2 weeks at work last week. Less than a week and a half to go. I'm planning on moving away the very next day, because I can't stay in this apartment with my ex forever. I'm still working 9-hour days, so I've been trying to pack and plan a rapidly-approaching cross country move on my days off. I spent hours driving around trying to find moving boxes today, because Home Depot didn't have what I needed, even though the website said they should. I have bags of clothes to get rid of, and I don't even know when I'll have time to take them somewhere.

Everything is happening so fast. It feels like after 7 years in California, I don't even get to say goodbye. I barely have time to see friends before I go, let alone go for one last hike.

Two weeks ago, I had no idea any of this would be happening. I'm so tired, and very sad.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 7:31 PM on February 4 [9 favorites]


Woke up this morning without my Garmin vivosport on my wrist. I never take off my watch, even for showers, since it's waterproof. I know I definitely had it on when I left my apartment yesterday, but I have no idea if I had it still on when I got back. I've searched my entire place & checked if my phone could connect with bluetooth... No dice. Ugh, and right when the weather's getting nice in DC, too!

Blargh, I've been losing a lot of things lately (umbrella, keys), but this is the most expensive loss yet. I only had the watch for 6 months too, so I can't even say that it was in need of replacement. Ugh!! I don't know if I can justify spending a ton of money on another nice fitness tracker/watch if I just lose everything.
posted by devrim at 7:39 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]


No, you can't link to a doc on your desktop from a ppt (damn you!!!!!) when you're not going to be presenting from your machine.

Hugs friends.
posted by wellred at 8:03 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]


I didn't talk about this last week because it was too fresh, but we had to put our dopey little orange cat to sleep. He had a heart condition, we knew this day would come, his quality of life was good up to the last day; it's just sad. He had various special needs and the two cats didn't get along so it required constant managing/workarounds, which now I don't have to do anymore, but which by their very pervasiveness are a continual reminder. I miss his handsome silly cat face and our little routines.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:23 AM on February 5 [14 favorites]


My husband just blew out his knee; he's the primary breadwinner right now. He works in a physically-demanding field. Even with insurance, I dread the medical bills from it. I don't know how he will manage--or be able to afford--to take any time off since he just spent 6 weeks off last year helping care for his mother during her final days of cancer.

I'm firmly convinced that age discrimination in job-hiring is a real thing. I never thought we'd still be living paycheck-to-paycheck at this time in my life.

The world sucks.

But our daughter survived her first semester of college and is now entering her second semester, so there's that to be happy about.

And fresh coffee grounds should get the smell out of refrigerators.
posted by cass at 9:54 AM on February 5 [4 favorites]


everything is just sort of crumbling at once. My partner is miserable, I'm miserable, I'm worried that he doesn't want to live together anymore, which I would understand (it would be hard but, I get it) but I don't know how either of us will afford to live alone. And I don't know how I would survive moving to a new place now that my little girl cat is gone. In my mind when I played out worst-case breakup scenarios at least in the end it was me and the little girl cat, like the old days. No more.

My computer is less and less able to Do Things because it is old but all of my pay has been delayed because of Bullshit at my client company, so I can't work effectively until I buy a computer but I can't buy a computer until my work gets its shit together and I just wanted to go work at the coffee shop today because my neighbor's baby has been screaming nonstop for 3 straight weeks and I can't even hear myself think anymore but the coffee shop's wifi is STILL broken (after almost a month!) and I'm just fucking ready to lay down in the snow and stay there.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:01 AM on February 6 [8 favorites]


This is the worst period of my life. It's been two weeks since my 7+ year relationship ended. I'm still staying with my ex, and it's OK, but we need to move on. I'm supposed to be out of here in another week, except that I haven't had the time or bandwidth to plan a cross-country move, so I feel completely unprepared. I have no idea how I'll be moving my stuff, I have no idea how I can travel on such short notice, and I'm under more stress and pressure than I've ever felt. I gave my work two weeks' notice at work so I wouldn't burn bridges, but I've still got a week to go, and it's killing me. I have no idea where I'll find the time to take care of everything I need to do while I'm still working late into the evening every day. And now my ex is doubting that I'll be able to leave when I said I would. I wish I had already left. I want nothing more than to leave.

Not only have I left a long-term relationship, I'm also leaving everything I've known for nearly a decade. I'm leaving behind friends, coworkers, people I knew through school, and every other familiar in my day-to-day life. I'm leaving all the places I've come to know, all the restaurants and BART stops and parks to hike in. I have no idea what it will be like to stay with family at 33. I have no idea when I will get a paycheck again, or where it will come from. I have no idea when I'll have health insurance again, or how much my taxes will cost me this year, or whether I can even afford to move in the first place. Except I can't afford to stay here, and I'm not prepared to get rid of irreplaceable stuff I've had for decades.

On top of everything else, I just found out that my grandfather is apparently dying, and they'd like to know when they can call so I can tell him I love him for the last time.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:36 AM on February 8 [6 favorites]


Hey shapes, that all sucks. Might you have any buddies or local MeFites who could put you up for a week immediately after your job is over so you could deal with the logistics of the move while spending nights at least away from your ex? Your situation sounds super stressful.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:44 AM on February 8 [1 favorite]


shapes, that’s rough af. I was in a similar spot in my mid-20s, and it was awful but I got through it.

If your cross country move takes you near philly, we have a guest room you’re welcome to crash in for a week.
posted by lazaruslong at 5:05 AM on February 8 [1 favorite]


Shapes, I went through something similar in 2013. The truth is that I couldn't get myself packed and out of the apartment in time and it was a quasi-disaster. What I learned the hard way is to sell anything and everything you can. Plan to move ONLY the stuff that has tons of sentimental value and leave everything else behind. Because that's practical but also because the other stuff will remind you of your old life in a weird way in the new place and you won't want it anymore anyway. For me, living with family after the move was really difficult and terrible, but I eventually doubled down on being all about peace/love/forgiveness and concentrating on making those familial relationships as strong as possible. In retrospect, I feel like that was a good way of making lemonade out of lemons, and my relationship with my family now really is night and day from what it was before -- in a good way. But truthfully, coming back "home" was VERY difficult and pretty damaging and if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't. So be careful. MeMail me if you want to talk. We're rooting for you :)
posted by rue72 at 7:05 AM on February 8 [3 favorites]


This fucking day. This fucking week. This fucking year. This fucking century.
posted by Doktor Zed at 4:19 PM on February 8 [13 favorites]


I couldn't sleep last night as brain kept deciding to spin and then I felt absolutely devastated and sobbed because it decided to think about all the people detained with ICE and all the people that have been deported and those we don't even know of and the fact that they are SEPERATING CHILDREN and the children are still in cages which triggers massive PTSD stuff and I just despair. In a fair world there would be people storming the prisons and freeing them in some triumphant manner or them not even being there at all. And my brain kept thinking how the USA can never repair that. Never repair the trauma that those people are going through. And then all the men in power who are sexually assaulting women and that whole Jeffery Epstein thing that I can't even think about for 3 seconds and all the times I've been labeled crazy for thinking men in power do crazy sexual shit against women.

It was a long night filled with dreams of being evicted from apartment as ICE came to get me. I am not even American and this is just breaking my heart. I know I have an extra big empathy gene and a long history of trauma so it also breaks for everyone else in my position being in America. So basically fuck trump, fuck the world and fuck my brain.
posted by kanata at 1:25 PM on February 9 [2 favorites]


Thanks for the kind words. It really does help to know that people are rooting for me.

Things are very slowly coming together, and I'm starting to have a plan for getting across the country that feels doable. My biggest worries now are winter weather and the threat of something getting stolen out of the rental car. My ex is OK with me staying a couple extra days so I'm not trying to move immediately after leaving my job. This won't be simple, but it's starting to feel like it can be done.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 2:28 AM on February 10 [9 favorites]


The shitheads that hired me into a newly created position in 2017, then laid me off after 6 months and withheld state income tax for New York instead of California for no discernible reason (I even wrote an AskMe about it!)...

THEY DID IT AGAIN on my 2018 W2. I had to chase them down to get the damn thing in the first place ("it should have been emailed to you" MY ASS) and there it is, tax withheld for New York. YOU INCOMPETENT FUCKS. I WILL SHIT ON YOU. WHEN WILL YOU STOP RUINING MY LIFE. UGHHHHHHHHH
posted by sunset in snow country at 1:11 PM on February 12 [4 favorites]


My fucking GAP insurance sent me some vague mails saying 'a deadline is coming' but not when it was. Consequently, they are now claiming I missed the deadline to send things to them and so they won't pay. When i called the dealership to complain about their scammy partners, they started yelling at me on the phone about 'personal responsibility'.
posted by corb at 12:22 PM on February 13 [3 favorites]


Butterfinger bars have a new recipe and in my opinion it sucks.
posted by edeezy at 2:13 PM on February 13 [3 favorites]


Whatever edeezy, back before the blight in the old days, we had the Gros Michel butterfingers. Your modern-day Cavendish varietal is a pale imitation of the original. It's about time we had a change.
posted by duffell at 3:17 PM on February 13 [4 favorites]


My idiot younger brother (well, one of 'em) either didn't vaccinate his kid (my guess) or drug his feet on it until his area had an outbreak. Either way, they now think the little tyke may have measles. We are waiting to find out. I really and truly hope the little one gets well soon from whatever it is, as he sounds miserable.

That's my main concern, but my elderly mom was also exposed and may have them, too. And not only is that dangerous for my dear mom, but, selfishly, she was also supposed to come here and stay with our kid. We're supposed to go to Florida next week on a trip my spouse's work is paying for because she won a sales contest.

So it's a big awful soup of bad things, big and small.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:57 PM on February 13 [4 favorites]


We still don't know if my nephew and mom have measles, but we did verify that the little one was actually vaccinated. So the odds are lower that this is what it is. Maybe the authorities are just being cautious/thorough. And my mom is 90% sure she had measles as a kid, so hopefully she'd be fine.

The main thing is, I just want the kiddo to feel better.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:40 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]


Apparently Valentine's Day is a thing at my new workplace. People are dressed in red/pink, wishing each other Happy Valentine's Day, talking about their plans/what they got their spouses, cubicle decorations, like a secondary Christmas. It's wild.

If I can make it until clock-out time without some sort of violent incident and/or my eye muscles not worn out from rolling them every 15 min, I'll consider it a huge success.


(seriously, the one year that I really hate Valentine's Day is my first year where its a BFD at a place I am at for 9 hours, fuuuuck this. I swear the Divine Being is just fucking with me at this point.)
posted by Fig at 7:05 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]


Yeah, WTF? The building management where I work was giving out heart shaped donuts to people. Like, yeah, I appreciate you're wanting to do nice things for your tenants on calendar holidays, but it's just a weird thing to ponder. I love you too, security guard and tenant services person, but not like that.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:18 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]


I'm supposed to leave in two days, and I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of everything. All options are expensive, but it's hard to know which is the worst. I may not even get a chance to say final goodbyes to friends before I leave.

I know that all this overwhelming stress will be followed up by the underwhelming experience of living with family in my 30s. I should go around to schools and warn kids not to make the decisions I did. I mean, I know good things can happen too, I just mean there are easier ways to make your way through life.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:57 PM on February 14 [3 favorites]


FUCK THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR CONSCIENCELESS SOULLESS SMILING FACES
posted by bq at 3:18 PM on February 14 [4 favorites]


Dear Universe,

You know I always appreciate your sense of humor. But it's been a tough few months, what with the multiple surgeries and the multiple chronic diseases and the cat's health problems and money and insurance, and so on.

So while I really appreciate you making sure I got some action on Valentine's Day, I have some issues with how you went about it. Specifically, I do not consider an introductory visit to a urologist to be at all romantic. Granted, I was expertly groped and fingered, but let's just say it was lacking in a certain je ne sais quoi.

And now I get to look forward to getting scoped. On the bright side, I did make myself a delicious batch of medically-fortified candy when I got home, and that's made watching The Matrix a truly involving experience. So all I'm missing is the flowers. Please don't find a way to make that happen, I shudder at the thought.

Seriously, though, could we kind of tone down the really dark satire stuff, just for a little bit? Maybe take the grimdark ethos down a notch? We could do some slapstick, maybe, or a musical number? Would a little bit of levity kill you? Does everything have to be an enormous struggle for our already-overburdened protagonist? Because even you've got to admit, it's getting pretty old.

Anyway, thanks for the chuckle. Fuck you.

MrV
posted by MrVisible at 6:51 PM on February 14 [4 favorites]


I mean, I know good things can happen too, I just mean there are easier ways to make your way through life.

Man, I hear you
posted by rue72 at 7:33 PM on February 14 [2 favorites]


Just for the record, I am the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. I thought I lost my phone a couple nights ago, then borrowed a friend's old phone and went to the place to have it hooked up to my account, then, this evening, found my old phone literally buried in a pile of dirty laundry! No, I promise, I thought I looked everywhere for it! I am a stupid cow. Please disregard anything I say, henceforth!
posted by octobersurprise at 7:53 PM on February 15 [3 favorites]


ITMFA
posted by ckape at 7:04 AM on February 16 [3 favorites]


I promise, I thought I looked everywhere for it! I am a stupid cow

I once was rootling around in my handbag for my phone outside work waiting on a taxi getting increasingly frantic because I couldn’t find it before I realised I was currently using it to tell my partner I was outside work waiting on a taxi
posted by billiebee at 10:53 AM on February 16 [6 favorites]


When I first moved into a new apartment (years ago now) the only piece of furniture I owned was a red easychair. I was literally sleeping on the floor, the chair was it.

I lost my wallet on moving day and was freaking out. Looked everywhere, cancelled all my cards, went to the police station to file a report about my missing ID, everything.

A day later I found the wallet -- completely intact -- under the red chair.
posted by rue72 at 11:05 AM on February 16 [5 favorites]


Y'all. I realized that when my chair threw out dates for prelims and my oral proposal defense, I said "sure, sounds great!" without really thinking about it, just thrilled that she was scheduling dates.

I'm the acting director of undergraduate advising in my department this semester (it seemed like a good idea last fall...) We've scheduled prelims and defense in the middle of the advising rush. I'm going to go cry now.

[can't move anything if I want to graduate next year, just going to have to get. it. done.]
posted by joycehealy at 12:32 PM on February 18 [5 favorites]


Also, it is spring and it is the mourning season and it just occurred to me that my mother is still dead and will not get to see me graduate next year, and now I'm weeping in my office and I've got a student showing up in 15. dammit.
posted by joycehealy at 12:43 PM on February 18 [11 favorites]


In good news, neither my nephew nor my mom have measles!
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:24 PM on February 18 [7 favorites]


I walked past the massage-slash-doula storefront in my neighborhood the other day and they had a sandwich board out front with a chalk message, "Vaccination discussion group, next Someday, 4pm" so now I want to make "MEASLES SURVIVOR" shirts and ask if I can sell some out of their shop.
posted by rhizome at 8:06 PM on February 18


I haven't been posting in the potus45 threads much for a while because HOLY FUCK we wen't from relitigating the primaries to pre-litigating the 2020 primaries and I am NOT HERE FOR THIS. This is the hell world.
posted by dis_integration at 6:50 AM on February 19 [8 favorites]


My main takeaway from the Bernie/2020 primaries thread is that there's no way we're gonna be able to get our shit together to do the things that the IPCC says we need to do by 2030 to prevent total climate catastrophe. Fucking fuck indeed.
posted by GalaxieFiveHundred at 8:16 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


My job offer got revoked for an inconclusive drug test, so now I'm regular unemployed instead of funemployed.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 11:18 AM on February 21 [6 favorites]


That sucks. Drug tests are lame for most jobs, but inconclusive? That's a new one, don't they test a B sample or something like in the Tour de France?
posted by rhizome at 1:16 PM on February 21


That’s bullshit. I’m sorry, fluttering hellfire.
posted by GalaxieFiveHundred at 7:37 PM on February 21


I'm looking forward to being told what's horribly morally compromised about me for my primary preference this time around. Last time, I was sexist because I preferred Bernie to HRC. I said I just liked the Socialist, but I was assured I was just sexist. I threw my support unequivocally behind HRC when she got the nom, and I've been on board with AOC from the get go, but still, I was a Bernie Bro who didn't like women. I haven't decided who I'm for this time (though I'm leaning Warren) but I look forward to hearing what pithy, reductive nickname goes with it.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:25 AM on February 22 [2 favorites]


Fuck winter. For most of the month I’ve been snowbound and it’s just started snowing again. All I have left in my cupboards is bouillon and flour so for the last week I’ve been eating “beef” or “chicken” and dumplings. Last week I dug out my driveway, got my car started (after a fight with the battery) and used the last of my gas to go get groceries only to be greeted by empty shelves. No eggs, no bread, no rice, no beans and no peanut butter. Cashier said all their stock comes from western-WA and nothing was getting over the pass. On Tuesday I’ll run out of bouillon and I’ll be out of flour by Friday so I’m going to need to walk into town to get supplies. I’m not looking forward to the trip. The foot/bike path I usually take is covered in drifts so I’ll have to walk along the back roads which will add about a mile to the journey. Hopefully they’ve been restocked because I don’t think I have the 30 mile roundtrip to make it to Wal-Mart in me at the moment.

At least I still have a home. Last month my house was put up for auction but a couple of days before it sold I was able to get enough money to pay the bill and stop the foreclosure. In the week after the auction was supposed to end I had three different realtors stop by asking if I wanted to sell. I wonder if they were bidding against each other. After the last year on top of the last decade the thought of selling it and moving somewhere new is really tempting. But the house is still in my mom’s name and I don’t have money for the fees/lawyers to get that changed at the moment.

On top of everything else my electricity has been off since the end of January. It’s not so bad, I’ve got a woodstove for heat/cooking, a hand pump in the basement for water, a few old hurricane lamps (thanks mom) for light and a solar battery pack that keeps my phone/tablet charged. But combined with this winter storm it’s made February a pretty shitty month.

There’s potential for a job in March so if that works out I’ll be able to re-join the 20th century and maybe in few more months the 21st. I really miss the internet. I haven’t had it at home since last May. All I’ve got at the moment is this government provided lifeline phone. And while I’m very thankful for it, it is a very shitty phone. It crashes if I look at it funny. Metafilter is mostly ok but the mega-threads are right out (probably for the better) and I can’t watch youtube posts.

Thanks for the place to vent Metafilter, it really does help.
posted by Tenuki at 3:35 AM on February 24 [7 favorites]


joycehealy, I don’t know that this will be any help, but this morning, as I was talking to my older sister, trying to reassure her that, in the last week, I’d managed to sort of talk myself down from the ledge that I was on when last we spoke, I realized that I’d said as much as I had to say, and she who is living and doing and pushing for better things for more people than I can even begin to imagine, she had said her piece, and we, neither of us, who live so far from each other and talk so much less to each other than we wish we could, I told her, all I could think of to say was,

“Other than that, I don’t know a hell of a lot.”

As soon as I started to say it, she told me to stop. That’s what, on long distance calls, usually once a week, on Sunday mornings, out father would use to signal that he didn’t really have anything to say, and, if we didn’t take the hint, and we had called him, he’d follow up with “I must be costing you a ton of money.” It was his way of wrapping up a Sunday morning call, and here we were, Sunday morning my time, and all I could think was, other than that...

From that moment, the conversation shifted to realizing that, aside from the uncle that neither of us speak to anymore, there’s a good chance that other than my sister and I, there’s not a person alive who remembers that verbal tick of our father. And from there, it was me pointing out that this year, this goddamn year will be ten years since he’s been gone.

And on the phone, it was me trying to comfort my sister, who’d blocked times and dates, and the certificates that go with them out of her mind, trying to tell her that just because I’d realized it didn’t make her less for not knowing, not realizing. And here, as I sit, on the train home, remembering all that, and thinking, holy fuck, my dad’s been gone for ten years, I want to tell you that it does get easier, that their loss does become a part of you, and you do move on, but at the same time, my god, there are dates and times and little turns of speech that will catch you unawares, and at your most vulnerable, will hurt you, but that hurt only stays because that’s how much their loss affects you. I hope for your part, the burden you bear becomes easier over time.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:09 AM on February 24 [3 favorites]


It feels like the world is sicker than it's been in my lifetime and is building towards a horrible convulsion.
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:17 PM on February 24 [2 favorites]


Gol-LY, I keep getting the flu. This is my 4th time having the flu since Thanksgiving. I'm starting to wonder if there's something seriously wrong with me, but of course, now that I'm single I don't have my partner's health insurance anymore. Back to having no insurance, which will of course be yet another tax penalty on top of the one from last year, because our politicians sold out to the insurance companies and now I am "mandated" to get insurance I can't afford with my current $0 income. So now not only am I sick without insurance, but it'll cost me extra for the privilege. Great job, America!

Mostly I just feel horrible. I'm feverish and my whole body feels like my bones have been replaced with lead. If this were a reasonable country, I'd go to the doctor, but instead I'll just wait for it to pass and wonder if I'll just get sick again in another few weeks.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 3:47 PM on February 24 [2 favorites]


Just watched the interchange between Trump and U.S. Trade Representative Robert Lighthizer on the exact nature of what is a MOU. Seriously, it is hard to get your head around how utterly insane this exchange is. I don't care for the substance of the discussion, because, whatever, but when you see these sorts of discussions play out in public, you just cringe at the sheer awful amateurishness of it all. A President disagreeing with his Trade Representative, in public, while a very senior Chinese representative looks on in utter astonishment, and laughs out loud? Sheesh, you couldn't make this stuff up! And the Rapublications say nothing, and act like this is normal. We all know what would have happened if this occurred when Obama was President. The amount of jizz on the screens and keyboards of right-wing commentators and Fox News could have populated an entire galaxy. But no, this is just another day in the Presidency of Trump. Christ on a bike, this is truly fucking awful.
posted by vac2003 at 12:00 AM on February 25 [4 favorites]


I came here to vent, but just knowing there's a place to vent makes me feel better. Thanks everyone.
posted by a complicated history at 7:08 AM on February 25 [3 favorites]


I'm so sick. This is lousy. I thought my fever had left, but it's still here, which explains why I just tried to spell fever like "fevar." I hereby apologize for the incoherent comments I have left and may leave, as I keep thinking I'm better and then realizing I'm not.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 12:53 PM on February 25 [3 favorites]


I'm sorry you're sick, shapes that haunt the dusk. I love your username very much. Every time I see it I am overcome with wistfulness and saudade and general pleasant longing for the ages-long, delicious twilights of my tenderer years. Also, "fevar" is maybe a better spelling for it, anyway. It sounds more awful, which is appropriate because fever is awful. I hope you feel much better very soon.
posted by Don Pepino at 1:03 PM on February 25 [4 favorites]


Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun;
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.

-- "Mending Wall," Robert Frost
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 4:28 PM on February 25 [2 favorites]


Green Book won an Oscar and we're never going to be a great society
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 8:10 PM on February 25 [5 favorites]


Green Book won an Oscar and we’re never going to be a great society

Well, India just crossed into Kashmir and apparently bombed the demilitarized zone, so we might not have a society much longer anyway.
posted by dis_integration at 8:19 PM on February 25 [3 favorites]


Shapes, you’re not alone. My son is on round two of the flu, and we got flu shots, and have seen a doctor, and he took tamiflu and he’s still running a fever of 103. There’s something going around that is flu, but different.

On the upside, Russia has announced American targets, India is starting some shit, South America is about to boil over, so soon, the flu is just gonna be the cockroaches problem. So, we’ve got that going for us. Which is nice.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 8:29 PM on February 25 [5 favorites]


Gosh guys, I hope brighter days come soon for everyone. The sun came out here for the first time in 9 days of rain and cold on Sunday, and it feels so good to just go outside and stand there in it. I love taking the dogs out with me and watching them blink lazily while their noses try to catch every molecule of scent drifting by.
posted by yoga at 6:48 AM on February 26 [4 favorites]


Thank you for all the kind words. So many people have expressed concern that I feel like I should share status updates. I went to urgent care yesterday, where I tested positive for the flu. I just got a call this morning confirming that I have pneumonia. It's a relatively mild case, but that probably explains why I've felt so much worse than usual. I'm already on antibiotics, so I basically just need to rest and go back to the clinic on Friday. At least my fever is gone, and despite everything else, I feel slightly more clear-headed.

Because I'm neurotic, I'm now convinced that I've been feeling woozy due to a lack of oxygen (even though my O2 level was at 98% yesterday), and that I'm getting organ and/or brain damage. My sister was like "you're not getting brain damage!" which was sweet because I really gave her a prime opportunity there.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 7:09 AM on February 27 [10 favorites]


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