Hugging-Hugs thread - Holiday Preamble and Life Just Sucking Sometimes November 13, 2019 8:16 AM Subscribe
So, I've been having A Time Of It at work, and could use moral support. I'm probably not alone. Also, there are those of us who have trouble with the holidays each year. Fortunately MeFi has come through for its own in the past; let's start another hugging hugs thread and speak up in here if we need pep talks (about work or otherwise), or give encouragement if we can.
I have ((((( hugs ))))) for anyone who want/needs one.
And so does Phoebe.
posted by bookmammal at 8:47 AM on November 13, 2019 [15 favorites]
And so does Phoebe.
posted by bookmammal at 8:47 AM on November 13, 2019 [15 favorites]
Wellred, I had the same feeling this morning, need cough medicine as am sick with a cold, but wasn’t feeling up to going to the (almost next door to me) pharmacy. I’m sure there is a French version of postmates but couldn’t find one, thankfully had the energy at lunch. Hugs to anyone that needs them.
posted by ellieBOA at 8:53 AM on November 13, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by ellieBOA at 8:53 AM on November 13, 2019 [3 favorites]
I could also use messages in MeMail.
Putting the more personal stuff in a comment, and I'll be ending with something nice:
Y'all, I HATE MY JOB. It's not what I'm best suited for, they keep trying to nudge me into stuff I am not good at (that wasn't part of the original job when I interviewed), and they're the kind of people who are very, very unlikely to offer positive feedback. Literally the only time I have heard anyone here say that I'm doing a good job is as a postscript onto a lecture about something I'm doing wrong ("It's okay, you're doing fine, but [I've just snarked at you for a solid 3 minutes about the way you name the files in our online filing system before telling you that].") I've been quietly looking for something new since about July and there's no luck yet - and finding something new is getting all the harder as the job saps my strength. The thing that really scares me is that I'm also seeing signs of being too wiped out to work on my blog now.
And I really need to stick with this because I am on track for being completely out of debt in 6 months, for the first time since I was seventeen years old. At present about 10% of my GROSS income is going toward paying down debt, though, and that is HARD and does not allow for frills or emergencies. I have a small fund for emergencies, fortunately, but it's still a psychological hit.
I just wish someone could, like, hit a pause button on my job - without pausing my income - and give me a month to get my head sorted out and let me figure out what my long range plan is.
--
And so this is not all woe - I want to share a dream I had last night which reflects on the Blue well. I dreamed that something had gone pear-shaped with my travel plans to get home for Thanksgiving - I don't really remember what, I just couldn't take my anticipated train or plane or whatever - and I dreamed that I grumbled about it in a thread in here, saying that 'ah well, I'll just stay here in New York for the holiday then" and then logged off for a couple hours.
And I dreamed that when I logged back on a couple hours later, I discovered that a whole series of MeFites had coordinated a sort of car-pool-relay to get me home ("This person can take you from Brooklyn to New London, and then this person will get you to Providence, where you'll then meet this person who said they can take you as far as New Bedford, and....") So in my subconscious, this is a Community That Can Help. And that speaks well of us, I think.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:54 AM on November 13, 2019 [34 favorites]
Putting the more personal stuff in a comment, and I'll be ending with something nice:
Y'all, I HATE MY JOB. It's not what I'm best suited for, they keep trying to nudge me into stuff I am not good at (that wasn't part of the original job when I interviewed), and they're the kind of people who are very, very unlikely to offer positive feedback. Literally the only time I have heard anyone here say that I'm doing a good job is as a postscript onto a lecture about something I'm doing wrong ("It's okay, you're doing fine, but [I've just snarked at you for a solid 3 minutes about the way you name the files in our online filing system before telling you that].") I've been quietly looking for something new since about July and there's no luck yet - and finding something new is getting all the harder as the job saps my strength. The thing that really scares me is that I'm also seeing signs of being too wiped out to work on my blog now.
And I really need to stick with this because I am on track for being completely out of debt in 6 months, for the first time since I was seventeen years old. At present about 10% of my GROSS income is going toward paying down debt, though, and that is HARD and does not allow for frills or emergencies. I have a small fund for emergencies, fortunately, but it's still a psychological hit.
I just wish someone could, like, hit a pause button on my job - without pausing my income - and give me a month to get my head sorted out and let me figure out what my long range plan is.
--
And so this is not all woe - I want to share a dream I had last night which reflects on the Blue well. I dreamed that something had gone pear-shaped with my travel plans to get home for Thanksgiving - I don't really remember what, I just couldn't take my anticipated train or plane or whatever - and I dreamed that I grumbled about it in a thread in here, saying that 'ah well, I'll just stay here in New York for the holiday then" and then logged off for a couple hours.
And I dreamed that when I logged back on a couple hours later, I discovered that a whole series of MeFites had coordinated a sort of car-pool-relay to get me home ("This person can take you from Brooklyn to New London, and then this person will get you to Providence, where you'll then meet this person who said they can take you as far as New Bedford, and....") So in my subconscious, this is a Community That Can Help. And that speaks well of us, I think.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:54 AM on November 13, 2019 [34 favorites]
My employer disability insurance denied my appeal. Their physician decided there's no reason I can't work, despite two of my doctors (you know, the ones who have actually personally treated me) saying otherwise. Our mortgage payment just went up and we were counting on winning the appeal. I had to switch sleep specialists and my consultation with the narcolepsy specialist in Boston isn't until May, and we weren't prepared to go that long without some portion of my income. I'm not sure what we're going to do.
posted by Ruki at 9:44 AM on November 13, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 9:44 AM on November 13, 2019 [11 favorites]
This thread came along at the perfect moment for me. The holidays been bit rough since my mom passed away twenty years ago, but I've developed solid strategies to keep my spirits up.
This year, though, I've finally had to accept that I have no real connection to my one sibling and their family, ie. my only first-and-second degree relatives. I've been the one keeping the rope taught since my mom's death, taking the high road despite numerous episodes of extremely callous behaviour. I had accepted that my sibling is just not the kind of person I wanted them to be, but I hoped to maintain some kind of connection, especially to their kids. They all live far away from me so the relationship mostly consisted of e-mails, phone calls, and parcel exchanges. I've always gone out of my way to acknowledge birthdays and holidays, and to send thoughtful gifts (even after they failed to acknowledge a milestone birthday a few years ago).
A couple of months ago, however, during one of our relatively rare face-to-face encounters, my sibling lost it and became outright abusive at a dinner that I was hosting (in honour of an academic achievement by one of their kids) and for which I had driven over two hours to meet them. I bit my tongue and took the high road, although I did call them on their nasty behaviour to the wait staff. A few days later, instead of a thank you for the expensive dinner and/or the effort of driving four hours there and back on a weeknight, I got an e-mail from them offering me the "opportunity" to apologize "for provoking their bad behaviour." According to their partner, news of my career move, from the bureaucracy to CEO of a non-profit, was too much for them to bear, given their own lack of success, and I should know to just keep things like that to myself. They also accused me of "years of hostility" and concluded that "my behaviour was not acceptable to them and their family."
Needless to say, no apology will be forthcoming, and we have not had any contact since. I'm coming to terms with the fact that my whole relationship with that family has been little more than a fantasy on my end, and that these were never people I could trust to care for me, especially in a crisis. I can relate strongly to the comments above about what will happen if I am injured or incapacitated, but the reality is that nothing has changed. I could never expect caring or support from this bunch, and now I have to face that fact.
Still, it's hard to admit that I have no close family connections in a season where everyone else is celebrating them. I feel like I'm marked somehow. Like I've been rejected by the pack.
I know that this will pass (around 3 January) and that I'm not the only one going through this kind of thing. Still, hugs to everyone else who finds this time of year even harder than usual.
posted by rpfields at 9:56 AM on November 13, 2019 [32 favorites]
This year, though, I've finally had to accept that I have no real connection to my one sibling and their family, ie. my only first-and-second degree relatives. I've been the one keeping the rope taught since my mom's death, taking the high road despite numerous episodes of extremely callous behaviour. I had accepted that my sibling is just not the kind of person I wanted them to be, but I hoped to maintain some kind of connection, especially to their kids. They all live far away from me so the relationship mostly consisted of e-mails, phone calls, and parcel exchanges. I've always gone out of my way to acknowledge birthdays and holidays, and to send thoughtful gifts (even after they failed to acknowledge a milestone birthday a few years ago).
A couple of months ago, however, during one of our relatively rare face-to-face encounters, my sibling lost it and became outright abusive at a dinner that I was hosting (in honour of an academic achievement by one of their kids) and for which I had driven over two hours to meet them. I bit my tongue and took the high road, although I did call them on their nasty behaviour to the wait staff. A few days later, instead of a thank you for the expensive dinner and/or the effort of driving four hours there and back on a weeknight, I got an e-mail from them offering me the "opportunity" to apologize "for provoking their bad behaviour." According to their partner, news of my career move, from the bureaucracy to CEO of a non-profit, was too much for them to bear, given their own lack of success, and I should know to just keep things like that to myself. They also accused me of "years of hostility" and concluded that "my behaviour was not acceptable to them and their family."
Needless to say, no apology will be forthcoming, and we have not had any contact since. I'm coming to terms with the fact that my whole relationship with that family has been little more than a fantasy on my end, and that these were never people I could trust to care for me, especially in a crisis. I can relate strongly to the comments above about what will happen if I am injured or incapacitated, but the reality is that nothing has changed. I could never expect caring or support from this bunch, and now I have to face that fact.
Still, it's hard to admit that I have no close family connections in a season where everyone else is celebrating them. I feel like I'm marked somehow. Like I've been rejected by the pack.
I know that this will pass (around 3 January) and that I'm not the only one going through this kind of thing. Still, hugs to everyone else who finds this time of year even harder than usual.
posted by rpfields at 9:56 AM on November 13, 2019 [32 favorites]
I got in a HUGE fight with my girlfriend over the weekend and her reaction is a side of her I've never seen before. I'm trying really hard to overcome my instinct to hide my feelings and let them eat me up inside without saying something. Something she did made me upset so I said something and it did not go well at all.
I'm trying to see things from her perspective and really struggling to understand how it got so ugly. I think we're through the worst of it but still don't feel great about where things are. We've had a largely conflict-free relationship (which maybe isn't the accomplishment I thought it was) so it's been jarring. All in all, I'm still glad I said something as hopefully it'll lead to greater understanding of each other and our relationship.
One thing that helps me is remembering that no feeling is final.
Sending hugs to everyone who needs them.
posted by Twicketface at 10:08 AM on November 13, 2019 [8 favorites]
I'm trying to see things from her perspective and really struggling to understand how it got so ugly. I think we're through the worst of it but still don't feel great about where things are. We've had a largely conflict-free relationship (which maybe isn't the accomplishment I thought it was) so it's been jarring. All in all, I'm still glad I said something as hopefully it'll lead to greater understanding of each other and our relationship.
One thing that helps me is remembering that no feeling is final.
Sending hugs to everyone who needs them.
posted by Twicketface at 10:08 AM on November 13, 2019 [8 favorites]
Sending hugs to everyone. Find something warm to drink and give your tummy a hug. It always helps me.
posted by Fizz at 10:34 AM on November 13, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by Fizz at 10:34 AM on November 13, 2019 [8 favorites]
Early this year I switched jobs, and at first the new gig was very positive. I liked all my co-workers, I thought the work I was doing was interesting, I got a nice bump in pay. It seemed like a good move. Then about a month into the job I was abruptly reassigned to help get the Project From Hell back on track, and the past 6+ months have been a stress nightmare.
The PFH is poorly designed, badly managed, and constantly in crisis. While my theoretical role is hands-on technical, I've instead ended up doing a ton of project management and customer relationship management. I haven't written code in weeks but have created far too many PowerPoint decks. I am continuously dealing with work that's not only outside my comfort zone, but entirely outside my interests. What seemed like a comfortable 40-45 hours we week has turned into 60+ hours a week of constant anxiety and feelings of failure.
Unfortunately, while I continually feeling like I'm failing, my colleagues and the PFH management keep singing my praises. I'm pretty sure this reflects poorly on their expectations rather than reflecting well on my work.
I'm tempted to simply let it all fail, but I'm the New Guy and I'd prefer to keep my job because I like paying the rent. I left my old job for very good reasons (the company was an ethical nightmare and in the national news), so I'm unwilling to go back. And going on the job search again will be very challenging after less than a year in the current role.
I feel fucking stuck, and I don't know what to do.
posted by a device for making your enemy change his mind at 11:00 AM on November 13, 2019 [12 favorites]
The PFH is poorly designed, badly managed, and constantly in crisis. While my theoretical role is hands-on technical, I've instead ended up doing a ton of project management and customer relationship management. I haven't written code in weeks but have created far too many PowerPoint decks. I am continuously dealing with work that's not only outside my comfort zone, but entirely outside my interests. What seemed like a comfortable 40-45 hours we week has turned into 60+ hours a week of constant anxiety and feelings of failure.
Unfortunately, while I continually feeling like I'm failing, my colleagues and the PFH management keep singing my praises. I'm pretty sure this reflects poorly on their expectations rather than reflecting well on my work.
I'm tempted to simply let it all fail, but I'm the New Guy and I'd prefer to keep my job because I like paying the rent. I left my old job for very good reasons (the company was an ethical nightmare and in the national news), so I'm unwilling to go back. And going on the job search again will be very challenging after less than a year in the current role.
I feel fucking stuck, and I don't know what to do.
posted by a device for making your enemy change his mind at 11:00 AM on November 13, 2019 [12 favorites]
I feel fucking stuck, and I don't know what to do.
I am not certain whether I am hugging you or trying to hold you up and in the process hope that you hold me up too with a hug, but I'm doing it because I FEEL THIS SO HARD, yo
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:07 AM on November 13, 2019 [4 favorites]
I am not certain whether I am hugging you or trying to hold you up and in the process hope that you hold me up too with a hug, but I'm doing it because I FEEL THIS SO HARD, yo
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:07 AM on November 13, 2019 [4 favorites]
EmpressCallipygos, sending huge hugs and support back. And all the hope that we can both find ways to either make it work or get to a better place.
posted by a device for making your enemy change his mind at 11:23 AM on November 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by a device for making your enemy change his mind at 11:23 AM on November 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
Sending {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} to anyone who wants/needs them.
♥ ♥ ♥
posted by Lynsey at 11:38 AM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
♥ ♥ ♥
posted by Lynsey at 11:38 AM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
Hugs for everybody who wants them. I really want everybody to know that I'm so grateful for everybody in helping me through to where I am right now where good things are finally happening again for the first time in awhile. Hoping good things come to everybody else here, too, because you all deserve so much good.
posted by Sequence at 11:41 AM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 11:41 AM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
Hugs to all who want them. I've MeMailed you, Empress, as I was about to do that anyway re sending you a book. But there does seem an unacceptable amount of stuckness around at the moment. I am in a much-lower paid post than I used to be in the same organisation, and some of the time the lack of stress is good, but the rest of the time the lack of money, and the people, especially men with no obvious skills or competencies, paid more than me, and the lack of being able to have any effect on things (Me: Let's think about x issue, I have some ideas which I think would give staff more support and be better for the organisation; My Boss: Brilliant! Perfect!; Result: zero) ... where was I going with this sentence? Oh yes, these are bad things.
Also I am so tired all the time and have got into a habit of going to bed when I get home from work, getting up after a while to Sit With My Cat, and then going back to bed. Am trying to think about how to address this but so far cannot think of anything I have enough energy to do.
Also, UK politics. Would scream if I had any energy or if anything I did would affect things.
posted by paduasoy at 11:41 AM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
Also I am so tired all the time and have got into a habit of going to bed when I get home from work, getting up after a while to Sit With My Cat, and then going back to bed. Am trying to think about how to address this but so far cannot think of anything I have enough energy to do.
Also, UK politics. Would scream if I had any energy or if anything I did would affect things.
posted by paduasoy at 11:41 AM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
I'm sending much love and positive vibrations to the MeFi community. This place has been really good for me, and I want the best for all of you.
posted by maurice at 12:03 PM on November 13, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by maurice at 12:03 PM on November 13, 2019 [4 favorites]
I've just been feeling sad and useless lately, sorry and carry on.
posted by jazon at 12:05 PM on November 13, 2019 [14 favorites]
posted by jazon at 12:05 PM on November 13, 2019 [14 favorites]
Oh I so empathize with the job uncertainties here. I really do. I left my job in March for the one I'm currently at, and there were really good reasons to do so. I loved the work. I absolutely LOVED it. I just really hated the new executive director. And this new job was a bump in responsibility and at a museum and I loved it at first...until the VP of our department left. That was okay, for a while, even though some things I was hired to do got put to the wayside. And then a new VP came in and basically said he didn't see the need for my position as it stood and we'd have to re-work it. Ooookay. 8 weeks later I finally have a new job description and it's satisfactory, I guess. The project management piece is completely gone, and that's what I was most excited about. I will be staying for the foreseeable future, because I absolutely love walking into this building every day, I love the rest of my team (I can be ME with them, which is HUGE), and thank god the new VP is very much like the old one and doesn't really care if our butts are in the office as long as we're getting our work done; the ability to work from home now and then, and the incredible flexibility in my hours? Worth it. So yeah. Super ambivalent after weeks of being miserable. We'll see.
Hang in there, fellow job-sufferers. We can do this.
posted by cooker girl at 12:09 PM on November 13, 2019 [12 favorites]
Hang in there, fellow job-sufferers. We can do this.
posted by cooker girl at 12:09 PM on November 13, 2019 [12 favorites]
These are setting up to be the worst holidays ever.
I lost my Dad suddenly last week and my brother's wife has maybe a couple weeks to live at this point (lung cancer) and certainly won't make it to the end of the year. We are not a big nuclear family - me, my brother, our spouses, mom and dad. So to see 2 out of the 6 of us go is just devastating. The rest of us feel like survivors of some natural disaster.
I'll take the hugs. Thank you.
posted by vacapinta at 12:17 PM on November 13, 2019 [55 favorites]
I lost my Dad suddenly last week and my brother's wife has maybe a couple weeks to live at this point (lung cancer) and certainly won't make it to the end of the year. We are not a big nuclear family - me, my brother, our spouses, mom and dad. So to see 2 out of the 6 of us go is just devastating. The rest of us feel like survivors of some natural disaster.
I'll take the hugs. Thank you.
posted by vacapinta at 12:17 PM on November 13, 2019 [55 favorites]
I'm so sorry, vacapinta. Hugs. (And hugs to everyone else too)
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:24 PM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:24 PM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
Here; take all the hugs. There are plenty to go around.
hugs to all.
posted by mightshould at 12:44 PM on November 13, 2019 [7 favorites]
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
Here; take all the hugs. There are plenty to go around.
hugs to all.
posted by mightshould at 12:44 PM on November 13, 2019 [7 favorites]
Whelp, I just pulled the kiddos out of what was going to be a week with family/friends at day 3 and drove the 5 hours home after my mom had the meltdown to end all meltdowns.
My mom has issues. I'm not good at showing affection. That's fair. She took on too much with the kids because she doesn't know how to say no. I should have taken the lead on that and tried to find a way to prevent it without appearing to step on her toes. She doesn't play nice with some of the constraints we put on our kids and their day to day behaviors/existence but, well dammit, their our kids and we do certain things certain ways. I could go into detail on all those points but well, she blew up and all my efforts to calm and reassure or find middle ground were for naught.
Her reasoning was the same old hat of me not loving her with a dash of "how dare you not let me give them 20 sets [literally] of clothes or let them watch my phone in my lap for hours on end" and a, admittedly new, sprinkling of made up accusations and falsehoods whereby my talking to other people rather than her was insulting or demeaning or wtf ever...
She cried and screamed and paced and collapsed and blamed and incorporated me into, what I can only describe as anyway, a rape hug where she bolted across the room (I thought she was going to hit me, she never has but she's come close) and wrapped her arms around me, squeezed me as hard as she could while attempting to pickup/shake me, whilst furiously screaming in anger at me from point blank range if I understood what she was saying and that I was to repeat what she had just said to test if I was listening.
This was after she told me, among other things, that she'd never felt love from me since I was in kindergarten and that I was a monster for not adequately demonstrating love and emotions and appreciation [and fealty if we're being honest, my word on that point, not hers].
I tried, I really tried, as I had been for any interaction we have over the last few years to let her have the benefit of the doubt on things and extend middle ground solutions and show appreciation but, well, it's obviously not satisfactory to her so that relationship may well be toast or at least in the worst shape that it's ever declining history has allowed for up to this point. Certainly I won't be leaving my kids with her, unsupervised or not, if she can't emotionally regulate better than that and I can't see us two being in close contact for any amount of time so, well, here we are.
Who knows what the rest of the holidays hold but we're off to a rousing start and my emotional circuit breakers have well and truly popped and I'm in the stoic behavior pattern that is my protection device. DrMsEld is helpful and understanding and the kids are oblivious and great in and of themselves so things are far from miserable but, well, it sucks. I hope y'all are doing better than that anyway. If you are, well, hug your family, I certainly appreciate my nuclear household all the more.
posted by RolandOfEld at 12:54 PM on November 13, 2019 [32 favorites]
My mom has issues. I'm not good at showing affection. That's fair. She took on too much with the kids because she doesn't know how to say no. I should have taken the lead on that and tried to find a way to prevent it without appearing to step on her toes. She doesn't play nice with some of the constraints we put on our kids and their day to day behaviors/existence but, well dammit, their our kids and we do certain things certain ways. I could go into detail on all those points but well, she blew up and all my efforts to calm and reassure or find middle ground were for naught.
Her reasoning was the same old hat of me not loving her with a dash of "how dare you not let me give them 20 sets [literally] of clothes or let them watch my phone in my lap for hours on end" and a, admittedly new, sprinkling of made up accusations and falsehoods whereby my talking to other people rather than her was insulting or demeaning or wtf ever...
She cried and screamed and paced and collapsed and blamed and incorporated me into, what I can only describe as anyway, a rape hug where she bolted across the room (I thought she was going to hit me, she never has but she's come close) and wrapped her arms around me, squeezed me as hard as she could while attempting to pickup/shake me, whilst furiously screaming in anger at me from point blank range if I understood what she was saying and that I was to repeat what she had just said to test if I was listening.
This was after she told me, among other things, that she'd never felt love from me since I was in kindergarten and that I was a monster for not adequately demonstrating love and emotions and appreciation [and fealty if we're being honest, my word on that point, not hers].
I tried, I really tried, as I had been for any interaction we have over the last few years to let her have the benefit of the doubt on things and extend middle ground solutions and show appreciation but, well, it's obviously not satisfactory to her so that relationship may well be toast or at least in the worst shape that it's ever declining history has allowed for up to this point. Certainly I won't be leaving my kids with her, unsupervised or not, if she can't emotionally regulate better than that and I can't see us two being in close contact for any amount of time so, well, here we are.
Who knows what the rest of the holidays hold but we're off to a rousing start and my emotional circuit breakers have well and truly popped and I'm in the stoic behavior pattern that is my protection device. DrMsEld is helpful and understanding and the kids are oblivious and great in and of themselves so things are far from miserable but, well, it sucks. I hope y'all are doing better than that anyway. If you are, well, hug your family, I certainly appreciate my nuclear household all the more.
posted by RolandOfEld at 12:54 PM on November 13, 2019 [32 favorites]
I've been debating posting on this thread, but Mrs. Example once again said I should.
Okay, this is a bit of a monologue, so settle in. See, about four years ago I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. (Largely resulting from all the things in this super-fun comment.)
Usually I handle it pretty okay, or so I like to tell myself. I know what sets me off and can most of the time avoid the worst of it. And then came Tuesday afternoon's meeting at work.
The actual details aren't important--my boss and I had been falling behind on a big project due to unfamiliar tools, an unfamiliar system we have to integrate with, and an unfamiliar documentation regime, so a bunch of project managers (politely) chewed us out and arranged for some additional help. All fine.
However. There was a big high mucky-muck project manager there I'd never met before. The way she spoke, the way she spoke to me, the tone of her voice, her mannerisms, the implicit judgment in the things she was saying...it all pushed buttons that I thought I was far past getting set off by. Buttons that I'd almost forgotten about.
The symptoms started almost immediately after the meeting. Muscular spasms all over my body. Digestive distress. Pervasive fatigue. I went home via cab because I couldn't stand to go up the hill to my house from the tram. I couldn't eat dinner--I had no appetite. The muscular pain just got worse and worse to the point where I couldn't get to sleep until after two AM, even with like six ibuprofen.
The next day, the real digestive fun started. I would have thrown up in the shower if there'd been anything in my stomach. I had sudden diarrhea that lasted all day, even after a couple doses of loperamide. I still made it into work, but only got to about noon before my boss sent me home because I looked so rough and said to stay home tomorrow if I need to. (He's good people to work for.)
I haven't been set off like this in a long, long time, and this is the worst episode in years. I thought I was past all of it. Now all I know is that I can't--can't--go through this again. So now I'm trying to find a way to summon up my spine and tell my boss (and maybe a couple of layers of management up) about my condition without feeling like some kind of fucking fragile prima donna.
And if I manage that, I need to find a polite way to frame "I will not have that woman speak to me at all ever again in any capacity; if she needs to convey something to me, she has to do it through an intermediary" as some kind of reasonable accommodation.
So I'm sure that'll go over well, but I think it's what I need. Anyway...hugs, please.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 1:03 PM on November 13, 2019 [28 favorites]
Okay, this is a bit of a monologue, so settle in. See, about four years ago I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. (Largely resulting from all the things in this super-fun comment.)
Usually I handle it pretty okay, or so I like to tell myself. I know what sets me off and can most of the time avoid the worst of it. And then came Tuesday afternoon's meeting at work.
The actual details aren't important--my boss and I had been falling behind on a big project due to unfamiliar tools, an unfamiliar system we have to integrate with, and an unfamiliar documentation regime, so a bunch of project managers (politely) chewed us out and arranged for some additional help. All fine.
However. There was a big high mucky-muck project manager there I'd never met before. The way she spoke, the way she spoke to me, the tone of her voice, her mannerisms, the implicit judgment in the things she was saying...it all pushed buttons that I thought I was far past getting set off by. Buttons that I'd almost forgotten about.
The symptoms started almost immediately after the meeting. Muscular spasms all over my body. Digestive distress. Pervasive fatigue. I went home via cab because I couldn't stand to go up the hill to my house from the tram. I couldn't eat dinner--I had no appetite. The muscular pain just got worse and worse to the point where I couldn't get to sleep until after two AM, even with like six ibuprofen.
The next day, the real digestive fun started. I would have thrown up in the shower if there'd been anything in my stomach. I had sudden diarrhea that lasted all day, even after a couple doses of loperamide. I still made it into work, but only got to about noon before my boss sent me home because I looked so rough and said to stay home tomorrow if I need to. (He's good people to work for.)
I haven't been set off like this in a long, long time, and this is the worst episode in years. I thought I was past all of it. Now all I know is that I can't--can't--go through this again. So now I'm trying to find a way to summon up my spine and tell my boss (and maybe a couple of layers of management up) about my condition without feeling like some kind of fucking fragile prima donna.
And if I manage that, I need to find a polite way to frame "I will not have that woman speak to me at all ever again in any capacity; if she needs to convey something to me, she has to do it through an intermediary" as some kind of reasonable accommodation.
So I'm sure that'll go over well, but I think it's what I need. Anyway...hugs, please.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 1:03 PM on November 13, 2019 [28 favorites]
RolandOfEld, that is a horrible experience, and I'm so sorry that your mom does not understand or will not accept your boundaries. ((((((hugs))))))
posted by hanov3r at 1:04 PM on November 13, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by hanov3r at 1:04 PM on November 13, 2019 [4 favorites]
More hugs for all. HUGS
posted by wellred at 1:09 PM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by wellred at 1:09 PM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
I am very sorry, ROE, and want to resoundingly assure you that it is never a child's job to anticipate and fulfill a parent's need for love.
posted by nakedmolerats at 1:33 PM on November 13, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by nakedmolerats at 1:33 PM on November 13, 2019 [7 favorites]
Ruki, if you can, it's also possible to get your employer to complain to their broker about the insurance issue. I had to do that recently - my job's critical illness insurance is denying that my husband has kidney failure, therefore they don't have to pay, and also claiming that he came down with kidney failure in 2017 (which isn't true!) and that's another reason why they don't have to pay. Shroedinger's kidneys over here, they have both failed too early and not failed at all (neither of which is true you morally bankrupt lying villainous dumb shits). So I asked my employer to get their broker to take a look at it and we'll see. I dunno. There is also appealing to the state which will be step 2 if this doesn't work.
I recently went through a period where I really needed the hugs but I think things are starting to look up and at least I feel a little more stable so I have hugs to spare, please take.
posted by bleep at 1:34 PM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
I recently went through a period where I really needed the hugs but I think things are starting to look up and at least I feel a little more stable so I have hugs to spare, please take.
posted by bleep at 1:34 PM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
And if I manage that, I need to find a polite way to frame "I will not have that woman speak to me at all ever again in any capacity; if she needs to convey something to me, she has to do it through an intermediary" as some kind of reasonable accommodation.
Mr. Bad Example, I actually just spoke with my therapist last night about addressing how my supervisor speaks to me. She sometimes uses a tone of voice and attitude toward me that I find degrading and upsetting.
So, according to my therapist one thing you can do is just name what you're feeling. "I'm feeling upset and degraded right now, so I'm having a really hard time hearing you." Or you can just say, "I'm having a really hard time hearing you." And you can ask to table things if the discussion is too heated. Like, "I'm feeling upset and degraded right now, so I'm having a hard time hearing you. Can we pick this up tomorrow morning?"
There's this whole communication thing that my therapist has gone over, called DEAR MAN GIVE FAST. It's a guide to communicating well when you're upset or the situation is upsetting. I was going to link it here but it looks like the best resources are in PDF, so it might be easier for you to search online and download them yourself.
Anyhow, I'm sorry that you're in so much pain! I hope that's helpful ((((((((Mr Bad Example)))))))
(((((((Everybody))))))
posted by rue72 at 1:38 PM on November 13, 2019 [6 favorites]
Mr. Bad Example, I actually just spoke with my therapist last night about addressing how my supervisor speaks to me. She sometimes uses a tone of voice and attitude toward me that I find degrading and upsetting.
So, according to my therapist one thing you can do is just name what you're feeling. "I'm feeling upset and degraded right now, so I'm having a really hard time hearing you." Or you can just say, "I'm having a really hard time hearing you." And you can ask to table things if the discussion is too heated. Like, "I'm feeling upset and degraded right now, so I'm having a hard time hearing you. Can we pick this up tomorrow morning?"
There's this whole communication thing that my therapist has gone over, called DEAR MAN GIVE FAST. It's a guide to communicating well when you're upset or the situation is upsetting. I was going to link it here but it looks like the best resources are in PDF, so it might be easier for you to search online and download them yourself.
Anyhow, I'm sorry that you're in so much pain! I hope that's helpful ((((((((Mr Bad Example)))))))
(((((((Everybody))))))
posted by rue72 at 1:38 PM on November 13, 2019 [6 favorites]
((((everyone))))
posted by eirias at 1:52 PM on November 13, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by eirias at 1:52 PM on November 13, 2019 [3 favorites]
Well geez. Is the politics (and related civil rights and environmental horrors, plus all the nazi bullshit) making things exponentially worse for everyone? I mean, yes of course it is but some of you all of us have very old stories pre-dating our current climate (all the kinds of climates). I wish everyone here had it just a little bit easier! I don't have any sage advice but hot chocolate with pumpkin pie spice coffee creamer is nice if you can get it. I am not much of a hugger but I'll make an exception for you guys.
posted by Glinn at 4:35 PM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Glinn at 4:35 PM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
Still, hugs to everyone else who finds this time of year even harder than usual.
This says what I was thinking.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:56 PM on November 13, 2019 [3 favorites]
This says what I was thinking.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:56 PM on November 13, 2019 [3 favorites]
Hugs to everyone in need. You are all valued and important.
posted by kimberussell at 6:02 PM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by kimberussell at 6:02 PM on November 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
This thread is so welcome and so needed. Thank you for posting it.
I am busily managing weird conflicts with my boss and oscillating between external feedback like "sciatrix is incapable of dealing with stress and should look at tech startups, not academia, because that will be lower stress" from my PI and "sciatrix has a new paper coming out with collaborators and it is so cool that the university PR team will contact her to see if she wants them to do a press release" from... most other professional sources in my life. I'm tired and frustrated and, frankly, annoyed with my lab group as a whole and ready to get the hell out, but my partner will be tied here for another year for their nursing school and I don't really want to do the long distance thing again, either. One of my professional heroes is coming to visit next week and I need to wangle a meeting with her and go on the postdoc job market and I have a lot of emotions about that and no bandwidth to do something about them.
I am handling all of this pretty well, and I am incredibly resentful that I have to do any of it. There is a lot of echoing of my own parentification as an adolescent in my current situation, and I'm angry about that on a bunch of tangled levels I'm having difficulty unwinding.
I have a lot of weird medical shit happening and a brand-new prescription for anti-seizure medication. It's strange and scary and I have to do self-advocating and explaining shit all the fucking time. I am tired, y'all, and my work is actually giving me joy but I'm doing a ton of shoving at it to make all that happen. I found out this year that the equipment issues I've been struggling with my entire PhD are down to electrical issues in the room I work in, not anything I'm doing, and I also found out that my boss has been putting it down to some unknown incompetence on my part for god knows how long. Things are, slowly, beginning to come unstuck but hell's bells is it a lot of effort making that boulder roll. There's a stupid "what have you done in the last ten years" meme going around twitter and it's mostly just making me angry about how much of the last ten years has been curveballs I didn't have any good way of dodging, and trying with limited success to roll with stupid, unfair fucking punches.
This is a nice thread. Thank you. I've been mentally drafting an Ask that goes something like "how do you know if you're wallowing in self-pity or if your circumstances really are just awful?" and I'll never ask it because it's one of those where, of course, there isn't a correct answer.
I'm so tempted to say (as someone who fights with the same feelings of exhaustion and self-doubt and "am I even allowed to be frustrated" most of the time) that your circumstances probably really are just awful. Being in an awful situation isn't necessarily a license to get out of trying to fight your way out of it, of course, but also: it's not your fault you feel bad. Your emotions aren't, like, a failing on your part. And sometimes saying "This isn't fucking fair, and I am not fucking happy with it!" can be incredibly healing, way more healing than insisting on having a positive attitude towards everything else can be.
I hope everyone in here gets a break and a chance to feel safe and secure and loved. In the meantime, I'm trying to do an Honest Meditation every day or two. And there are a few resources in here that look like they might be super worth it to look into, too.
posted by sciatrix at 6:29 PM on November 13, 2019 [12 favorites]
I am busily managing weird conflicts with my boss and oscillating between external feedback like "sciatrix is incapable of dealing with stress and should look at tech startups, not academia, because that will be lower stress" from my PI and "sciatrix has a new paper coming out with collaborators and it is so cool that the university PR team will contact her to see if she wants them to do a press release" from... most other professional sources in my life. I'm tired and frustrated and, frankly, annoyed with my lab group as a whole and ready to get the hell out, but my partner will be tied here for another year for their nursing school and I don't really want to do the long distance thing again, either. One of my professional heroes is coming to visit next week and I need to wangle a meeting with her and go on the postdoc job market and I have a lot of emotions about that and no bandwidth to do something about them.
I am handling all of this pretty well, and I am incredibly resentful that I have to do any of it. There is a lot of echoing of my own parentification as an adolescent in my current situation, and I'm angry about that on a bunch of tangled levels I'm having difficulty unwinding.
I have a lot of weird medical shit happening and a brand-new prescription for anti-seizure medication. It's strange and scary and I have to do self-advocating and explaining shit all the fucking time. I am tired, y'all, and my work is actually giving me joy but I'm doing a ton of shoving at it to make all that happen. I found out this year that the equipment issues I've been struggling with my entire PhD are down to electrical issues in the room I work in, not anything I'm doing, and I also found out that my boss has been putting it down to some unknown incompetence on my part for god knows how long. Things are, slowly, beginning to come unstuck but hell's bells is it a lot of effort making that boulder roll. There's a stupid "what have you done in the last ten years" meme going around twitter and it's mostly just making me angry about how much of the last ten years has been curveballs I didn't have any good way of dodging, and trying with limited success to roll with stupid, unfair fucking punches.
This is a nice thread. Thank you. I've been mentally drafting an Ask that goes something like "how do you know if you're wallowing in self-pity or if your circumstances really are just awful?" and I'll never ask it because it's one of those where, of course, there isn't a correct answer.
I'm so tempted to say (as someone who fights with the same feelings of exhaustion and self-doubt and "am I even allowed to be frustrated" most of the time) that your circumstances probably really are just awful. Being in an awful situation isn't necessarily a license to get out of trying to fight your way out of it, of course, but also: it's not your fault you feel bad. Your emotions aren't, like, a failing on your part. And sometimes saying "This isn't fucking fair, and I am not fucking happy with it!" can be incredibly healing, way more healing than insisting on having a positive attitude towards everything else can be.
I hope everyone in here gets a break and a chance to feel safe and secure and loved. In the meantime, I'm trying to do an Honest Meditation every day or two. And there are a few resources in here that look like they might be super worth it to look into, too.
posted by sciatrix at 6:29 PM on November 13, 2019 [12 favorites]
There's a stupid "what have you done in the last ten years" meme going around twitter and it's mostly just making me angry about how much of the last ten years has been curveballs I didn't have any good way of dodging...
Yeah, I’m with you on this. I’ve had my share of curveballs over the past couple of years too, and while I’m usually OK with how I’ve handled things, I’m sure not where I thought I’d be right now. Some days that’s a lot to swallow. And somehow the holidays coming up makes it harder.
I’m renewing my (((((hug))))) offer I posted earlier in this thread...it’s actually an unlimited supply especially for Mefites!
posted by bookmammal at 7:39 PM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I’m with you on this. I’ve had my share of curveballs over the past couple of years too, and while I’m usually OK with how I’ve handled things, I’m sure not where I thought I’d be right now. Some days that’s a lot to swallow. And somehow the holidays coming up makes it harder.
I’m renewing my (((((hug))))) offer I posted earlier in this thread...it’s actually an unlimited supply especially for Mefites!
posted by bookmammal at 7:39 PM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
I started taking an anti seizure medication for a debilitating nerve condition that I am, by most accounts, ‘too young’ to have. Within two hours of taking it I got relief. I’m so mad the doctor tried to talk me out of taking it. He did that because I’m of child bearing age and it jumps the risk of one kind of birth defect from .1% to between .2 and almost 1%. I MIGHT get pregnant. I looked him in the eye and said I would have an abortion rather than martyr myself for an undifferentiated mass of cells. This was before I even knew the risk was still so low. He made it sound like it was catastrophically high and I didn’t think to ask for numbers. He said if the pain became unbearable I could take it.
I’m also battling a mouse infestation and it is so cold here already. The cold was making my face pain happen more, and now I don’t know if this medicine is going to fully control it or just make it happen less. It makes me tired. And I’m still anxious it will come back. I was already anxious.
Did I mention I’m so mad? I keep looking for online support stuff and not finding much. I’ll be asking about something in my city. The neurologist suggested I could take this medicine for a few weeks and then stop, but what I’m seeing online is that this is permanent and eventually the medicine will probably be less effective.
While I don’t think the tradeoff is quite worth it, I can now eat spicy food pretty easily, and the shampoo I got in my eye the other morning hardly registered.
posted by bilabial at 7:54 PM on November 13, 2019 [24 favorites]
I’m also battling a mouse infestation and it is so cold here already. The cold was making my face pain happen more, and now I don’t know if this medicine is going to fully control it or just make it happen less. It makes me tired. And I’m still anxious it will come back. I was already anxious.
Did I mention I’m so mad? I keep looking for online support stuff and not finding much. I’ll be asking about something in my city. The neurologist suggested I could take this medicine for a few weeks and then stop, but what I’m seeing online is that this is permanent and eventually the medicine will probably be less effective.
While I don’t think the tradeoff is quite worth it, I can now eat spicy food pretty easily, and the shampoo I got in my eye the other morning hardly registered.
posted by bilabial at 7:54 PM on November 13, 2019 [24 favorites]
Fucking misogynist doctors.
posted by tivalasvegas at 7:55 PM on November 13, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by tivalasvegas at 7:55 PM on November 13, 2019 [10 favorites]
I am very lucky to be having a pretty good week and I have LOTS of hugs to give to anyone who'd like some. Take lots. There's plenty.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, wellred. I'm glad you didn't break anything! I hope you're feeling less achy, and I hope some of the pleasures of living alone remind you of how resourceful you are, and also how many people care about you and would love to help you out, even if they don't live with you. Hugs.
Here's a GREAT BIG BUNCH of hugs for you, EmpressCallipygos. Also I want to tell you: you are so good at your job! That thing you finished today? That was fantastic! And all the stuff you did last week? Really outstanding. Also in addition to your awesome work at work, your blog is really great (I'm making up the work stuff but I'm being honest here, I think your blog is GREAT). And I want you to know that however you choose to handle the next few months - whether you take a break from your blog or splurge just once to treat yourself or keep on pushing through exactly the way you've been doing - you are doing GREAT and I am SO IMPRESSED, and SO PROUD OF YOU. Hugs!
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, Ruki. I am so sorry you're going through all those horrible things at once. I'm sending lots of good wishes for a bunch of positive turnarounds your way, in addition to the hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, rpfields. I'm so sorry you're dealing with abusive family. I hope you know how valued you are, and that THIS pack welcomes you with open arms. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, Twicketface. I'm so sorry that happened with your girlfriend. I hope you and she can talk honestly and openly when things are a little calmer, and I hope she'll ultimately embrace your honesty. I am proud of you for saying what you felt - and for being wise enough to know how things can evolve. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, a device for making your enemy change your mind. (And can I just say I love your user name?) I'm so sorry the Project From Hell is sucking up so much of your life, and I hope you can just play with the idea of stepping back just a little bit - not giving up and letting it crash and burn, but prioritizing yourself and your well-being, and making sure you're getting plenty of sleep and breathing room and time for yourself. (And maybe also consider that their praise is justified and well-earned, and sometimes everyone knows a situation is next to hopeless and people are just really happy when someone can make a few things go right.) Please remember to breathe. You're doing an amazing job. I really hope things get better for you, and soon. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, paduasoy. I'm so sorry work is such a draining slog right now. I'm really glad you have your cat to sit with in the middle of the night. I hope you can think of some really nice little things you can do for yourself - sitting listening to music with some candles lit, or watching a favorite old TV show, or whatever would just feel really nice for you - that you can just have ready to go in the evenings, or the early mornings, to give yourself some comfort right now. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, jazon. I'm so sorry you've been feeling sad and useless. I want you to know that you are valued and appreciated (seriously, you're such a wonderful part of the community, I just added your Children's Book post from 2013 to my list of cool stuff), you're a great parent, you're a kind person. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, cooker girl. I'm so sorry your job morphed so badly - I remember how excited you were to leave the previous place. And I'm really glad you love being part of the museum, and that your new VP is at least flexible, and treats you as adult enough to work from home. I hope things improve, and I hope maybe some project management will come back your way before long. In the meantime - hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, vacapinta. I am so sorry for your loss, and for the pain of your brother's wife's illness. I hope you and your brother, your spouse, and your mom get some healing and comfort from the strength of each other's love; and I hope you feel the care and support of all your friends here on Metafilter. Many hugs to you.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, RolandOfEld. I am so, so sorry your mom melted down like that, and I am SO proud of you for getting out of there and keeping yourself and your kiddos (and DrMrsEld) from any further exposure to that kind of explosion. I am so glad you have a helpful and understanding DrMrs, and in the midst of whatever grieving and anger might be happening, I hope you have a really sweet and lovely and calm and joyful bunch of holidays with DrMrsEld and your fantastic kiddos. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, Mr. Bad Example. I'm so, so sorry that the mucky-muck was so horrible and triggering and appalling. I am SO proud of you for recognizing that you need better and deserve better, and for thinking about what you need to protect yourself and take care of yourself. You are not a fucking fragile prima donna; you are a badass who has fought through horrifying trauma and come out the other side - still taking care of yourself, better than ever, even. I am in awe of you, and I am sending my support and encouragement because you deserve every good thing. Hugs to you.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, witchen. I'm really glad you acknowledged that it's nice to have a space for the feelings you describe. If something's feeling wrong in your life, it's usually good to listen to those feelings, even though there's always someone somewhere facing even bigger challenges. I'm glad you're listening to yourself ... and I'm also glad if you're also feeling like getting on with things and tackling the things you CAN tackle right now, like the Christmas shopping. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, sciatrix. I am so sorry about the conflicts with your boss and especially about the bizarre messages from your PI and about your annoying lab group. (Although I'm really glad you're hearing how great your work is from everybody else! You are THE AWESOME - you are SUCH an amazing part of this community and I will never stop thinking of your "The Truth Has Got Its Boots On" as just one of the most thoughtful, careful, well-reasoned, clearly written things I've ever read, and all the amazing things you share with us all here - just ... you are fantastic, and everyone should tell you that all the time, and I'm at least glad SOME people do.) I hope you end up having a really great meeting with the hero who's coming to town. But I am so sorry at ALL the crap life has thrown at you, especially in the past few years, and I hope the coming year is better, and the year after better than that. You deserve some ease and some reward and a whole lot of breaks. Many, many hugs to you.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, bilabial. I'm so sorry the doctor was such a clueless jerk, and I'm sorry about the mice, and the cold, but I am really glad you've started getting relief from the new medication, and can eat spicy food, and I hope you're able to find some good and helpful support, and the medication makes more things easier in your life. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for each of you, bookmammal (and scritches for Phoebe!), and EllieBOA, and Fizz, and Lynsey, and Sequence (yay! good things! YAY!), and maurice, and LobsterMitten, and mightshould, and hanov3r, and nakedmolerats, and bleep (so glad things are more stable!), and rue72, and Glinn, and Dip Flash, and kimberussell (you are too, you know), and tivalasvegas. Many hugs.
Lots and lots of hugs. I'm really glad you're here.
posted by kristi at 8:26 PM on November 13, 2019 [50 favorites]
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, wellred. I'm glad you didn't break anything! I hope you're feeling less achy, and I hope some of the pleasures of living alone remind you of how resourceful you are, and also how many people care about you and would love to help you out, even if they don't live with you. Hugs.
Here's a GREAT BIG BUNCH of hugs for you, EmpressCallipygos. Also I want to tell you: you are so good at your job! That thing you finished today? That was fantastic! And all the stuff you did last week? Really outstanding. Also in addition to your awesome work at work, your blog is really great (I'm making up the work stuff but I'm being honest here, I think your blog is GREAT). And I want you to know that however you choose to handle the next few months - whether you take a break from your blog or splurge just once to treat yourself or keep on pushing through exactly the way you've been doing - you are doing GREAT and I am SO IMPRESSED, and SO PROUD OF YOU. Hugs!
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, Ruki. I am so sorry you're going through all those horrible things at once. I'm sending lots of good wishes for a bunch of positive turnarounds your way, in addition to the hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, rpfields. I'm so sorry you're dealing with abusive family. I hope you know how valued you are, and that THIS pack welcomes you with open arms. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, Twicketface. I'm so sorry that happened with your girlfriend. I hope you and she can talk honestly and openly when things are a little calmer, and I hope she'll ultimately embrace your honesty. I am proud of you for saying what you felt - and for being wise enough to know how things can evolve. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, a device for making your enemy change your mind. (And can I just say I love your user name?) I'm so sorry the Project From Hell is sucking up so much of your life, and I hope you can just play with the idea of stepping back just a little bit - not giving up and letting it crash and burn, but prioritizing yourself and your well-being, and making sure you're getting plenty of sleep and breathing room and time for yourself. (And maybe also consider that their praise is justified and well-earned, and sometimes everyone knows a situation is next to hopeless and people are just really happy when someone can make a few things go right.) Please remember to breathe. You're doing an amazing job. I really hope things get better for you, and soon. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, paduasoy. I'm so sorry work is such a draining slog right now. I'm really glad you have your cat to sit with in the middle of the night. I hope you can think of some really nice little things you can do for yourself - sitting listening to music with some candles lit, or watching a favorite old TV show, or whatever would just feel really nice for you - that you can just have ready to go in the evenings, or the early mornings, to give yourself some comfort right now. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, jazon. I'm so sorry you've been feeling sad and useless. I want you to know that you are valued and appreciated (seriously, you're such a wonderful part of the community, I just added your Children's Book post from 2013 to my list of cool stuff), you're a great parent, you're a kind person. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, cooker girl. I'm so sorry your job morphed so badly - I remember how excited you were to leave the previous place. And I'm really glad you love being part of the museum, and that your new VP is at least flexible, and treats you as adult enough to work from home. I hope things improve, and I hope maybe some project management will come back your way before long. In the meantime - hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, vacapinta. I am so sorry for your loss, and for the pain of your brother's wife's illness. I hope you and your brother, your spouse, and your mom get some healing and comfort from the strength of each other's love; and I hope you feel the care and support of all your friends here on Metafilter. Many hugs to you.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, RolandOfEld. I am so, so sorry your mom melted down like that, and I am SO proud of you for getting out of there and keeping yourself and your kiddos (and DrMrsEld) from any further exposure to that kind of explosion. I am so glad you have a helpful and understanding DrMrs, and in the midst of whatever grieving and anger might be happening, I hope you have a really sweet and lovely and calm and joyful bunch of holidays with DrMrsEld and your fantastic kiddos. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, Mr. Bad Example. I'm so, so sorry that the mucky-muck was so horrible and triggering and appalling. I am SO proud of you for recognizing that you need better and deserve better, and for thinking about what you need to protect yourself and take care of yourself. You are not a fucking fragile prima donna; you are a badass who has fought through horrifying trauma and come out the other side - still taking care of yourself, better than ever, even. I am in awe of you, and I am sending my support and encouragement because you deserve every good thing. Hugs to you.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, witchen. I'm really glad you acknowledged that it's nice to have a space for the feelings you describe. If something's feeling wrong in your life, it's usually good to listen to those feelings, even though there's always someone somewhere facing even bigger challenges. I'm glad you're listening to yourself ... and I'm also glad if you're also feeling like getting on with things and tackling the things you CAN tackle right now, like the Christmas shopping. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, sciatrix. I am so sorry about the conflicts with your boss and especially about the bizarre messages from your PI and about your annoying lab group. (Although I'm really glad you're hearing how great your work is from everybody else! You are THE AWESOME - you are SUCH an amazing part of this community and I will never stop thinking of your "The Truth Has Got Its Boots On" as just one of the most thoughtful, careful, well-reasoned, clearly written things I've ever read, and all the amazing things you share with us all here - just ... you are fantastic, and everyone should tell you that all the time, and I'm at least glad SOME people do.) I hope you end up having a really great meeting with the hero who's coming to town. But I am so sorry at ALL the crap life has thrown at you, especially in the past few years, and I hope the coming year is better, and the year after better than that. You deserve some ease and some reward and a whole lot of breaks. Many, many hugs to you.
Here's a bunch of hugs for you, bilabial. I'm so sorry the doctor was such a clueless jerk, and I'm sorry about the mice, and the cold, but I am really glad you've started getting relief from the new medication, and can eat spicy food, and I hope you're able to find some good and helpful support, and the medication makes more things easier in your life. Hugs.
Here's a bunch of hugs for each of you, bookmammal (and scritches for Phoebe!), and EllieBOA, and Fizz, and Lynsey, and Sequence (yay! good things! YAY!), and maurice, and LobsterMitten, and mightshould, and hanov3r, and nakedmolerats, and bleep (so glad things are more stable!), and rue72, and Glinn, and Dip Flash, and kimberussell (you are too, you know), and tivalasvegas. Many hugs.
Lots and lots of hugs. I'm really glad you're here.
posted by kristi at 8:26 PM on November 13, 2019 [50 favorites]
I'm doing so well without anxiety meds. No I'm not. My job is great. They'll fire me soon i'm sure. Mom and Dad came to the big pottery sale and met people! What kind of adult introduces their parents to their bosses i'm such a fool. My coworker said my mom was really sweet! She's making fun of me I'm sure Mom even hugged my assistant manager and she seemed to really like that. She hated that and she hates me now. My boss said he couldn't say no to me when I interviewed and that I'm an asset to the team. He's lying he hates me and-
I am so much more unbelievably productive without the saphris- and I'm generally happier. But the voices of self-hate and anxiety have returned with a vengeance. The cool thing is- years ago this would have shut down my life. I have dropped classes and disappeared to stay at home for months at a time (hello agoraphobia) and now... I'm just keeping on keeping on. Like my coping methods *are* working! But oh man did I not miss this. The Saphris side effects were not worth it- but wow. I forgot how broken my brain is.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:43 PM on November 13, 2019 [20 favorites]
I am so much more unbelievably productive without the saphris- and I'm generally happier. But the voices of self-hate and anxiety have returned with a vengeance. The cool thing is- years ago this would have shut down my life. I have dropped classes and disappeared to stay at home for months at a time (hello agoraphobia) and now... I'm just keeping on keeping on. Like my coping methods *are* working! But oh man did I not miss this. The Saphris side effects were not worth it- but wow. I forgot how broken my brain is.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:43 PM on November 13, 2019 [20 favorites]
Everyone, hugs for all of you from afar because on top of everything else, I have a cold. (Or a potentially fatal side effect of the medication, the nurseline says call back if I develop any other symptoms aside from this sore throat. And to try to get some sleep....)
posted by bilabial at 9:08 PM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by bilabial at 9:08 PM on November 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
Hugs for all and a side serving of the sound of the cat purring next to me. He is also available for belly rubs and is surprisingly non-bitey about them.
Apologies for the lack of images to support the cat data.
posted by sciencegeek at 2:47 AM on November 14, 2019 [9 favorites]
Apologies for the lack of images to support the cat data.
posted by sciencegeek at 2:47 AM on November 14, 2019 [9 favorites]
OK, OK, I will just give y'all a straight up platonic side hug and nothing at all untoward then.
posted by Meatbomb at 3:18 AM on November 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Meatbomb at 3:18 AM on November 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
A thank you, first of all, to all of you who have sent me hugs in memail.
And special note and thank you to the job lead I got in memail, let's talk!
(and more of that please, y'all)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:07 AM on November 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
And special note and thank you to the job lead I got in memail, let's talk!
(and more of that please, y'all)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:07 AM on November 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
All of the internet hugs to everyone! I know there's been some rough spots with Metafilter lately, but then there's also this -- the community here can be so fantastic, and there's a sense that we actually genuinely care for one another (I can speak for myself and say that I do) , and it's a rare thing and truly wonderful. Thanks for posting this thread. I'm sending you all of the positive loving thoughts, and I hope you all make it through and keep moving forward.
I'm also feeling self-pityish. I'm so burned out and tired. I'm on day 7 of a 9-day stretch of work. Living alone and managing a house and pets and general day-to-day life by myself is getting to be such a drag. One way to make this easier would be to hire services to clean or do yardwork or whatever, but, I've racked up credit card debt due to legal fees and expensive house repairs and vet bills, so, I'm choosing not to do that right now. Bleh. This is all temporary (like everything in life), and will improve after tomorrow, but being in the woods sucks. /self-pity
<3 to all of you, you are the best, and so strong to keep fighting your fights. We got this.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 4:27 AM on November 14, 2019 [13 favorites]
I'm also feeling self-pityish. I'm so burned out and tired. I'm on day 7 of a 9-day stretch of work. Living alone and managing a house and pets and general day-to-day life by myself is getting to be such a drag. One way to make this easier would be to hire services to clean or do yardwork or whatever, but, I've racked up credit card debt due to legal fees and expensive house repairs and vet bills, so, I'm choosing not to do that right now. Bleh. This is all temporary (like everything in life), and will improve after tomorrow, but being in the woods sucks. /self-pity
<3 to all of you, you are the best, and so strong to keep fighting your fights. We got this.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 4:27 AM on November 14, 2019 [13 favorites]
Hugs from me. Purrs and snuggles from Rosie the Menace.
I'm tired, really really tired. Two disastrous releases in a row at work. Issues around my father's alcoholism exploded in late summer and those issues were exasperated by my dad's partner repeatedly trying to pull my siblings and me into the middle of their relationship, accusing us of not doing enough to help him. Did not like that siblings and I all had different boundaries. Thought that one of us should be there all the time. Partner has a savior complex and stopped speaking to me when I flat out said that he would not stop drinking if partner married him. Brother 1 said the same. Partner stopped speaking to me, still speaks to brother. Yay?
I've tried to step out of my misery and actively work at kindness towards others, but 'm white-knuckling it to the end of the year at this point and I still have to get through the in-laws Christmas Eve celebrations, which were sheer misery when we attended two years ago and do not promise to be much better this year.
And yes, the political stuff is making it harder to deal with.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 4:45 AM on November 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
I'm tired, really really tired. Two disastrous releases in a row at work. Issues around my father's alcoholism exploded in late summer and those issues were exasperated by my dad's partner repeatedly trying to pull my siblings and me into the middle of their relationship, accusing us of not doing enough to help him. Did not like that siblings and I all had different boundaries. Thought that one of us should be there all the time. Partner has a savior complex and stopped speaking to me when I flat out said that he would not stop drinking if partner married him. Brother 1 said the same. Partner stopped speaking to me, still speaks to brother. Yay?
I've tried to step out of my misery and actively work at kindness towards others, but 'm white-knuckling it to the end of the year at this point and I still have to get through the in-laws Christmas Eve celebrations, which were sheer misery when we attended two years ago and do not promise to be much better this year.
And yes, the political stuff is making it harder to deal with.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 4:45 AM on November 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
Here's Wodan (from this thread). He's a bit out of focus, but he's a Very Good Boy and he's here to offer nose kisses to anyone here who wants them. Let it be known that he's a pro at nose kisses.
posted by Too-Ticky at 5:28 AM on November 14, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by Too-Ticky at 5:28 AM on November 14, 2019 [15 favorites]
Let it be known that he's a pro at nose kisses.
Awww, he is gorgeous! And does this mean he's over his skittishness?
posted by rpfields at 7:47 AM on November 14, 2019 [2 favorites]
Awww, he is gorgeous! And does this mean he's over his skittishness?
posted by rpfields at 7:47 AM on November 14, 2019 [2 favorites]
So I started a new job last month. It's generally going pretty well--I'm out of the full imposter syndrome period, and starting to get used to the fact that with a bigger modifier to my job title, people are going to take me more seriously (think "senior doer of things" rather than just "doer of things"), even though I don't know my way around the particulars yet. The new place has this totally hokey thing baked into their performance management system, where every month you get a small number of points, and you can give out those points to coworkers when they do nice things or go above and beyond. Once you get enough points, you can turn them in for gift cards. It's a totally inconsequential amount of money--like, a couple of bucks a month. But. Y'all. Every point-giving is public, and I've gotten like three positive pieces of feedback from new coworkers, and it is like, the best thing ever to get public accolades and a tiny reward when you take some time out of your day to help someone with something. They're like getting IRL favorites: tiny little dopamine hits to keep you feeling like you're doing SOMETHING useful for somebody. Like a company-wide system of giving hugs.
Now I need to figure out how to work something like this into my personal life, with friends and family. Because we all collectively don't do a good enough job saying "I really appreciate what you do."
posted by Mayor West at 8:34 AM on November 14, 2019 [9 favorites]
Now I need to figure out how to work something like this into my personal life, with friends and family. Because we all collectively don't do a good enough job saying "I really appreciate what you do."
posted by Mayor West at 8:34 AM on November 14, 2019 [9 favorites]
Is the politics (and related civil rights and environmental horrors, plus all the nazi bullshit) making things exponentially worse for everyone?
I mean, yeah. I certainly can't speak for everyone, but when you're raised by mentally ill, abusive narcissists, all the shit that's happening now is SUPER triggering. I feel like I've been in constant fight-or-flight since 2016, when previously it was intermittent. It's real stressful, y'all.
kristi, you're the bomb.
posted by cooker girl at 8:44 AM on November 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
I mean, yeah. I certainly can't speak for everyone, but when you're raised by mentally ill, abusive narcissists, all the shit that's happening now is SUPER triggering. I feel like I've been in constant fight-or-flight since 2016, when previously it was intermittent. It's real stressful, y'all.
kristi, you're the bomb.
posted by cooker girl at 8:44 AM on November 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
rpfields: does this mean he's over his skittishness?
He will probably forever be cautious and easy to startle, but yes. He sits on my lap sometimes, sleeps on the bed with us in it if he gets the chance, and loves cuddles. Apparently he's decided that since we still haven't killed him in his sleep, we are probably not going to do it anytime soon and possibly never.
He's definitely living his best possible life now.
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:11 AM on November 14, 2019 [10 favorites]
He will probably forever be cautious and easy to startle, but yes. He sits on my lap sometimes, sleeps on the bed with us in it if he gets the chance, and loves cuddles. Apparently he's decided that since we still haven't killed him in his sleep, we are probably not going to do it anytime soon and possibly never.
He's definitely living his best possible life now.
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:11 AM on November 14, 2019 [10 favorites]
Unexpectedly, the bucket of hugs-to-give has tentatively begun to replenish. For a year, I was trapped in a toxic workplace environment and was the target of an incompetent and frightened HoD and a micromanaging, racist PM. They made my life hell, pulled me off development, regularly yanked me into closed door meetings demanding to know why I was a failure, demoted and shifted me onto support full-time, then informed me my contract would not be renewed. After I thawed from shock (it took a month), I began to contact people I had worked with in other departments who I respected. After long discussions, and serious networking, a new role was created in a different department. I took the transfer and promotion to senior software engineer and made the move.
It’s been a month. Shaking off the conditioning of perpetually living under every movement scrutinized, accounting for every quarter hour of work, has been hard. I’m trying to truly absorb that I’m trusted, I’m valued, this a clean slate, grab it with both hands. Own the new role. Curate it. Stop being frightened all the time.
unexpectedly all this woe strengthened my relationship. mr. icing is more a partner than ever before.
I’ve only just begun to trust myself again. And because of that, I’m no longer exhaustively fretting.
So so many hugs to those with job woes. I feel ya. more hugs hugs, here you go.
Oh screw it, take the hugs, take ‘em all. take every last squishy one of them. there’ll be more to give.
posted by lemon_icing at 11:02 AM on November 14, 2019 [14 favorites]
It’s been a month. Shaking off the conditioning of perpetually living under every movement scrutinized, accounting for every quarter hour of work, has been hard. I’m trying to truly absorb that I’m trusted, I’m valued, this a clean slate, grab it with both hands. Own the new role. Curate it. Stop being frightened all the time.
unexpectedly all this woe strengthened my relationship. mr. icing is more a partner than ever before.
I’ve only just begun to trust myself again. And because of that, I’m no longer exhaustively fretting.
So so many hugs to those with job woes. I feel ya. more hugs hugs, here you go.
Oh screw it, take the hugs, take ‘em all. take every last squishy one of them. there’ll be more to give.
posted by lemon_icing at 11:02 AM on November 14, 2019 [14 favorites]
Any Mefite who needs it is offered the sensation of a small foxy-looking chi-terrier coming to settle delicately on your lap and put his head down on your leg trustingly and sigh the sigh of chi-terrier woes being laid down and immediately fall asleep and begin snoring tiny snores while keeping your lap the perfect warm temperature on a chilly fall afternoon. I have...a bit of a surplusage at the moment (turns out this experience is not very compatible with working on your laptop).
posted by praemunire at 11:39 AM on November 14, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 11:39 AM on November 14, 2019 [18 favorites]
I'm in a weird place of feeling like some things are healing while other things are falling apart or just stuck. There are things I'd like to talk about and be congratulated upon in public but not by family, and there are things I'd like to be reassured about? I don't know. Hugs and good wishes to all and if you wouldn't mind a disjointed memail from me, say hello?
posted by ChuraChura at 12:50 PM on November 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by ChuraChura at 12:50 PM on November 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
I love giving HUGS. I would never hug you if you didn't like or want a hug, but gosh if you did I would wrap you up and give you just the kind of hug you want. I've got lots of hugs to give. I've had a year that was full of stress until about 2 months ago and now it's mostly gone and I feel regenerated and have appreciated all the hugs I got during that time that I just wanna tell each and every one of you that you're doing fine. You got up today and tried your damnedest to have the best day you could, and that's the best we can do some days until the next hug comes along to help us get to tomorrow and do it all over again. So HUGS to you, from me.
posted by OHenryPacey at 2:52 PM on November 14, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by OHenryPacey at 2:52 PM on November 14, 2019 [7 favorites]
This is for you. Yes, you. If you need it:
Memail me your address and optionally any details about what's going on and I will mail you a note/card with many kind words. I am a part of the mefi card club, so join us there but consider this anything and a one time thing.
Here for you. Word hugs coming your way.
posted by maya at 3:02 PM on November 14, 2019 [10 favorites]
Memail me your address and optionally any details about what's going on and I will mail you a note/card with many kind words. I am a part of the mefi card club, so join us there but consider this anything and a one time thing.
Here for you. Word hugs coming your way.
posted by maya at 3:02 PM on November 14, 2019 [10 favorites]
I am not a hugger, neither giving or receiving, but I am willing to share massive chonk doggo cuddles from Detective Kima, my son's therapy dog.
She will put her block head on you and you can rub her velvety ears or snout and she will sigh heavily.
Maybe fart if she's really relaxed. She is pure love.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:10 PM on November 14, 2019 [13 favorites]
She will put her block head on you and you can rub her velvety ears or snout and she will sigh heavily.
Maybe fart if she's really relaxed. She is pure love.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:10 PM on November 14, 2019 [13 favorites]
Things are not great but it's nice to feel less alone in this thread, thanks, mefites.
posted by ferret branca at 6:05 PM on November 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by ferret branca at 6:05 PM on November 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
Hey you guys. I’m so sorry. There’s a lot of suffering in this life. You’re still amazing. Hang in there. Find enjoyment where it offers.
posted by Miko at 6:29 PM on November 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Miko at 6:29 PM on November 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
Anyone who has read my complaints/whines on this site probably knows that this has been an incredibly hard year for me. I basically had a total nervous breakdown. I'm starting to pull myself back together, and medication has helped a ton (wanting to live is great). But I'm dead broke and I don't know what to do, at all, with anything. I'm starting more odd jobs, and that's really good, but it's all so uncertain. I still worry about being able to get out of bed in the morning.
I'm housesitting this week, and I love the house and cat I'm looking after. I just happen to be very, very lonely and I have been for a while. I just don't have many friends here, and I don't have any money to do, really, anything with. The other night I went out for drinks with someone I've been interested in (I just drank water), and ended up idly mentioning that I wasn't ready to see other people, even though I actually want to. It kind of slipped out.
My ex and I have been texting a lot because she's been dealing with a stalker. So I'm worried about her, want her to be happy, miss her, and still don't know how I feel about her. In my mind we can be the best of friends if nothing else, but it's always more complicated than that. The classic "love vs in love" dilemma. There's no one else like her, but I don't know what that really means. I still want to sort myself out.
Any encouragement or memails or whatever would be really welcome. It can be really isolating going through something like this, and it's compounded by how geographically isolated I've been most of the year (I can't even afford to take public transit into the city). I'm not as much of a mess as this comment makes me out to be, and certainly less than I was earlier this year, but on a quiet, cold evening, I feel sort of alone when I'd rather not be.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:34 PM on November 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
I'm housesitting this week, and I love the house and cat I'm looking after. I just happen to be very, very lonely and I have been for a while. I just don't have many friends here, and I don't have any money to do, really, anything with. The other night I went out for drinks with someone I've been interested in (I just drank water), and ended up idly mentioning that I wasn't ready to see other people, even though I actually want to. It kind of slipped out.
My ex and I have been texting a lot because she's been dealing with a stalker. So I'm worried about her, want her to be happy, miss her, and still don't know how I feel about her. In my mind we can be the best of friends if nothing else, but it's always more complicated than that. The classic "love vs in love" dilemma. There's no one else like her, but I don't know what that really means. I still want to sort myself out.
Any encouragement or memails or whatever would be really welcome. It can be really isolating going through something like this, and it's compounded by how geographically isolated I've been most of the year (I can't even afford to take public transit into the city). I'm not as much of a mess as this comment makes me out to be, and certainly less than I was earlier this year, but on a quiet, cold evening, I feel sort of alone when I'd rather not be.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:34 PM on November 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
Or please confirm for me that eating a handful of leftover Halloween candy every night is an acceptable coping strategy.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:41 PM on November 14, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:41 PM on November 14, 2019 [11 favorites]
I'm not drunk, but I want to drunkenly reel and put my arms around all y'all and HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG you all better. I love you dear beleaguered MeFites.
I found out I was being laid off from my job of 36 years just over a week ago. I'm old enough to retire and get Social Security and young enough to enjoy all the new time to play I'll have. I've turned my mood around completely and have been getting happy, happier happiest.
I'm sorry my friends that so many of you are having hard times. I wish I could magically take all your pain away. I hope my love will at least bring you a little comfort.
Thank you EmpressCallipygos for starting this thread. I have long admired your intelligence and humor and your expressiveness, I think you are wonderful.
kristi I second all the individual hugs you shared and sciatrix, I hope to sometime give you a hug in person since we live in the same city. Love to you all.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 9:56 PM on November 14, 2019 [16 favorites]
I found out I was being laid off from my job of 36 years just over a week ago. I'm old enough to retire and get Social Security and young enough to enjoy all the new time to play I'll have. I've turned my mood around completely and have been getting happy, happier happiest.
I'm sorry my friends that so many of you are having hard times. I wish I could magically take all your pain away. I hope my love will at least bring you a little comfort.
Thank you EmpressCallipygos for starting this thread. I have long admired your intelligence and humor and your expressiveness, I think you are wonderful.
kristi I second all the individual hugs you shared and sciatrix, I hope to sometime give you a hug in person since we live in the same city. Love to you all.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 9:56 PM on November 14, 2019 [16 favorites]
Revisiting my hugs policy. I know I should not be letting this get to me, but it does. For my own mental health I need to be able to sleep tonight, so here is how you will be getting your hug from this point and going forwards:
Step 1) As I approach you I will outstretch my arms, ready to provide you your hug. I will be making direct eye contact and waiting for your signal.
Step 2 option 1) If you at that point give me a thumbs up, or any other sort of enthusiastic positive response, that will indicate to me that you are wanting the deluxe hug. This hug will include full body contact, if you are light enough I will slightly lift you off the ground, and I will also reach around and squeeze your bum.
Step 2 option 2) If as I approach you do not provide such a signal I will move around to your side and give you a shoulder bro hug, as described in the comment above.
You are also free to raise your palm, say "no", cross your arms or make any other move to signal your non-consent, and I will not hug you at all. No biggie, your loss.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:03 AM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
Step 1) As I approach you I will outstretch my arms, ready to provide you your hug. I will be making direct eye contact and waiting for your signal.
Step 2 option 1) If you at that point give me a thumbs up, or any other sort of enthusiastic positive response, that will indicate to me that you are wanting the deluxe hug. This hug will include full body contact, if you are light enough I will slightly lift you off the ground, and I will also reach around and squeeze your bum.
Step 2 option 2) If as I approach you do not provide such a signal I will move around to your side and give you a shoulder bro hug, as described in the comment above.
You are also free to raise your palm, say "no", cross your arms or make any other move to signal your non-consent, and I will not hug you at all. No biggie, your loss.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:03 AM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
Back at work today. I haven't managed to bring up the PTSD thing to my boss yet. Mrs. Example's also pointed out that on top of that, I've been dealing with a lot of other things like the death of my sister less than two months ago, the precarious health of my remaining immediate family, the uncertainty of our indefinite leave to remain application being approved...
...I've been under a lot more stress than I think I've been admitting to myself, is the short version. So I've scheduled myself a doctor's appointment to look into getting referred to some therapy and then we'll see what my options are. Fingers crossed.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:25 AM on November 15, 2019 [12 favorites]
...I've been under a lot more stress than I think I've been admitting to myself, is the short version. So I've scheduled myself a doctor's appointment to look into getting referred to some therapy and then we'll see what my options are. Fingers crossed.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:25 AM on November 15, 2019 [12 favorites]
We just had The Hard Conversation with Little e’s school yesterday, the one we have been dreading, about finding a new place for her to go. It’s a weird mix of heartbreak and resignation and even relief. Next step is to figure out the where and the when; and then comes the next hard conversation, the one with Little e herself.
posted by eirias at 3:40 AM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by eirias at 3:40 AM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
many, many hugs to everyone in this thread who wants one. I am, as usual, awed by the grace and persistence with which everyone, in their different ways, copes with the hard stuff.
posted by huimangm at 6:25 AM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by huimangm at 6:25 AM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm writing super-small so as not to jinx things but I have hope in a major way and it is because I spoke up in this thread so to those of you who are wondering if you should comment I say GO FOR IT because sometimes ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK, APPARENTLY
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:25 AM on November 15, 2019 [17 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:25 AM on November 15, 2019 [17 favorites]
Aaaaaaand to follow up with a hugging-hugs moment: presenting a conversation that literally just happened here at work (one sentence unspoken)
ME: The client sent you an email and you just forwarded it to me; however, I can't access the link because they gave you permission but not me.
MY BOSS: And how do you think you can solve that?
ME (unspoken, but thought REAL HARD): ....Whatever way I think of you're going to just tell me I did it wrong anyway, if history bears out.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:12 AM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
ME: The client sent you an email and you just forwarded it to me; however, I can't access the link because they gave you permission but not me.
MY BOSS: And how do you think you can solve that?
ME (unspoken, but thought REAL HARD): ....Whatever way I think of you're going to just tell me I did it wrong anyway, if history bears out.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:12 AM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
I went to the doctor's office this week for an ADHD med check, and had a panic attack! So now I'm going to try anti-anxiety meds first before I can tackle getting the ADHD under control. Please send hugs.
posted by PearlRose at 10:18 AM on November 15, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by PearlRose at 10:18 AM on November 15, 2019 [8 favorites]
this is a small thing but i've been unemployed since february and that plus looking for work (and failing to find it) has made me really question my self-worth. i'm shitty at interviews at the best of times but lately i've been worse, what with the increasing anxiety (certainty?) that i'll never find or amount to anything. i know i shouldn't let capitalism get me down but it's been rough.
sending hugs to whoever wants them!!
posted by junques at 10:31 AM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
sending hugs to whoever wants them!!
posted by junques at 10:31 AM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
I did not get the job I wanted. I do not have a job. I am the primary breadwinner. :-(
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 11:11 AM on November 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 11:11 AM on November 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
I'm so sorry, KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat. That sucks.
posted by cooker girl at 12:00 PM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by cooker girl at 12:00 PM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
This week was the one year anniversary of rtha's death. I miss her deeply and constantly and grief sucks.
Sending hugs out to all of you and thank you to the mefites who have reached out over the last year, even if I haven't responded to you.
posted by gingerbeer at 9:24 PM on November 15, 2019 [26 favorites]
Sending hugs out to all of you and thank you to the mefites who have reached out over the last year, even if I haven't responded to you.
posted by gingerbeer at 9:24 PM on November 15, 2019 [26 favorites]
gingerbeer, love to you. Grief absolutely sucks and I hope you have people in your life who are letting you deal with it in your own way and not telling you you're doing it wrong.
I thought of rtha the other day when I saw a hawk in a place I usually don't see one. We have a nesting pair and offspring in our neighborhood every year, but I saw this one perched on a cement barrier near my office. I wondered what rtha would say about it, why I've never seen one in that area before, and if it meant that there would be a nesting pair soon. I spent about an hour looking up those questions and remembering your beloved rtha. I hope that helps, a little.
posted by cooker girl at 5:25 AM on November 16, 2019 [6 favorites]
I thought of rtha the other day when I saw a hawk in a place I usually don't see one. We have a nesting pair and offspring in our neighborhood every year, but I saw this one perched on a cement barrier near my office. I wondered what rtha would say about it, why I've never seen one in that area before, and if it meant that there would be a nesting pair soon. I spent about an hour looking up those questions and remembering your beloved rtha. I hope that helps, a little.
posted by cooker girl at 5:25 AM on November 16, 2019 [6 favorites]
I spent the day in bed and on the couch, sleeping most of the time, unable to get up to do anything even when I was awake. I had fun plans for the day, a trip to the hardware store and then hours in the workshop. Instead I haven't even been able to make food for myself. I wish this didn't happen to me so often. I was getting some grief from family this past week for telling them I was thinking of applying for disability benefits, and after seeing firsthand how fatigued I get, they seem to have changed their tune.
The one positive today has been that the cat I'm catsitting hasn't left my side all day. He's currently curled up at my feet, his face buried in the blanket.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:43 PM on November 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
The one positive today has been that the cat I'm catsitting hasn't left my side all day. He's currently curled up at my feet, his face buried in the blanket.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:43 PM on November 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
Finally managed to talk to my boss after a couple of days of tension headaches and working my nerve up for it.
Turns out he's very understanding about it all, and didn't even bat an eye at my request to not be in the same room as Dolores Umbridge again--he's going to attend any future meetings with her and report back.
I feel slightly better.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:27 AM on November 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
Turns out he's very understanding about it all, and didn't even bat an eye at my request to not be in the same room as Dolores Umbridge again--he's going to attend any future meetings with her and report back.
I feel slightly better.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:27 AM on November 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
Hugs to everyone!
We are in the middle of a blitz of home renovation - we bought a house for the first time this fall, and are moving next month. It was comfortably within our budget in a transit-accessible part of the DC suburbs, which means the house was a bit of a fixer-upper (in ways that we knew about going in...mostly), and we're grateful for the chance to do some work before moving in, but it's such a grind. Neither of us are especially handy, nor do we enjoy home improvement or gardening, and it's exhausting, and gross (this weekend we found a mummified mouse under the stove! yay!), and mind-bogglingly expensive. I realize we are very lucky to have the opportunity, but all we've been doing is acquiring and fixing up a house for most of the year, and I am very tired and anxious and miss not finding spackle in surprising places on my person. Or needing to find, vet, and badger yet another contractor into doing very expensive work. And our reward in a few weeks at the end of our lease is to move in, and keep working on everything forever, except then my commute to work will be twice as long. Joy. But I know I am extremely fortunate to even be able to own a place, so I am really trying to focus on that. It's just a lot, and I ran out of energy and fucks to give at least a month ago, and there's nothing pleasant to really look forward to until spring.
For American MeFites, good luck getting through Thanksgiving next week!
posted by bowtiesarecool at 9:36 AM on November 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
We are in the middle of a blitz of home renovation - we bought a house for the first time this fall, and are moving next month. It was comfortably within our budget in a transit-accessible part of the DC suburbs, which means the house was a bit of a fixer-upper (in ways that we knew about going in...mostly), and we're grateful for the chance to do some work before moving in, but it's such a grind. Neither of us are especially handy, nor do we enjoy home improvement or gardening, and it's exhausting, and gross (this weekend we found a mummified mouse under the stove! yay!), and mind-bogglingly expensive. I realize we are very lucky to have the opportunity, but all we've been doing is acquiring and fixing up a house for most of the year, and I am very tired and anxious and miss not finding spackle in surprising places on my person. Or needing to find, vet, and badger yet another contractor into doing very expensive work. And our reward in a few weeks at the end of our lease is to move in, and keep working on everything forever, except then my commute to work will be twice as long. Joy. But I know I am extremely fortunate to even be able to own a place, so I am really trying to focus on that. It's just a lot, and I ran out of energy and fucks to give at least a month ago, and there's nothing pleasant to really look forward to until spring.
For American MeFites, good luck getting through Thanksgiving next week!
posted by bowtiesarecool at 9:36 AM on November 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
I have Flu B, on top of everything else.
I cannot even. Please bring soup. I can’t even go to veselka to pick some up. (Don’t fear, I’m having partner pick some up on his way home.)
I had a flu shot in September. He has an appointment for a shot in two weeks. Why am I the sick one?
Enough about me. Sterile, distant (but warm) hugs for everyone.
posted by bilabial at 1:14 PM on November 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
I cannot even. Please bring soup. I can’t even go to veselka to pick some up. (Don’t fear, I’m having partner pick some up on his way home.)
I had a flu shot in September. He has an appointment for a shot in two weeks. Why am I the sick one?
Enough about me. Sterile, distant (but warm) hugs for everyone.
posted by bilabial at 1:14 PM on November 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
I lost my Dad suddenly last week and my brother's wife has maybe a couple weeks to live at this point (lung cancer) and certainly won't make it to the end of the year.
Update: RIP to my wonderful sister-in-law, gone at a mere 42 yrs. Bright and full of life, she really wanted to live but cancer said otherwise. She was shocked to see my Dad go and it did not help her own struggle, perhaps made her see and acknowledge her own mortality. Who knew when they first met so long ago that the end of their lives would be so intertwined?
posted by vacapinta at 4:02 PM on November 18, 2019 [10 favorites]
Update: RIP to my wonderful sister-in-law, gone at a mere 42 yrs. Bright and full of life, she really wanted to live but cancer said otherwise. She was shocked to see my Dad go and it did not help her own struggle, perhaps made her see and acknowledge her own mortality. Who knew when they first met so long ago that the end of their lives would be so intertwined?
posted by vacapinta at 4:02 PM on November 18, 2019 [10 favorites]
Sincere condolences to hearts that grieve and love and peace to all who struggle with THE WEIGHT.
posted by ob1quixote at 7:34 PM on November 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by ob1quixote at 7:34 PM on November 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
My hug to all y'all is really in part also seeking a mutual "let's both hold each other up" kind of thing.
And to it I will add the final verse of what has over the years become my favorite song:
And to it I will add the final verse of what has over the years become my favorite song:
I know I will be loosened from the bonds that hold me fastposted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:27 AM on November 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
And the chains all around me will fall away at last
And on that fine and fateful day I will take me in my hand
I will ride on the train, I will be the fisherman
With light in my head, you in my arms....
With light in my head, you in my arms....
<Mike Scott>WWWHHHOOOOOO!</Mike Scott>
(Because what the Waterboys taught me is that no matter how melancholy things are, you can always whoop.)
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 4:06 PM on November 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
<Mike Scott>WWWHHHOOOOOO!</Mike Scott>
(Because what the Waterboys taught me is that no matter how melancholy things are, you can always whoop.)
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 4:06 PM on November 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
Fudge.
One of the coolest people I met doing sci-fi conventions in Minneapolis passed just a couple of days ago. We drifted apart ... hadn’t seen him in years.
And now to find out he’s gone. Goodbye M.
posted by ZeusHumms at 7:47 PM on November 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
One of the coolest people I met doing sci-fi conventions in Minneapolis passed just a couple of days ago. We drifted apart ... hadn’t seen him in years.
And now to find out he’s gone. Goodbye M.
posted by ZeusHumms at 7:47 PM on November 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
I am delighted and relieved to announce that this thread has lead directly to my getting a new job that will be better for me in several ways than my current one. I will be giving my 2-week notice tomorrow morning.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:09 AM on November 24, 2019 [16 favorites]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:09 AM on November 24, 2019 [16 favorites]
WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 11:25 AM on November 24, 2019
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 11:25 AM on November 24, 2019
A lot of things have gotten better for me recently - change in living situation, new car and a great new job/promotion (I only have to work one now y'all! I still have a side gig but that pays cash and is only several hours a month) but now my dumb brain is like "EVERYONE I KNOW IS PREGNANT, I WANT BABY" when that's about two dozen steps away if at all (no one wants to be with my dumb butt). I love kids and I love babies a LOT so I'm just like, a little sad when it isn't me, even though there's so many drawbacks, realistically, and I'm Very Single.
posted by Freeze Peach at 3:03 PM on November 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Freeze Peach at 3:03 PM on November 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
I was looking for a thread like this. My holidays for the past couple years have been up and down. The relationship with my parents have been strained again recently and I'm not even sure if I am going contact them to have a meal with them on Thanksgiving, nor have they contacted me in weeks. The past couple of Thanksgivings I've been able to spend with them were nothing special, they don't cook anything in particular and don't invite anyone else over. I don't want to go into the details of my family situation but it's kind disjointed.
It kind of pains me during these times when I see acquaintances and friends with such good and loving relationships with their families, or at least families that are able to put things on pause for nice family gatherings. I don't have friends that invite me to a Friendsgiving type ordeal because most of them are too busy with their own family to make time for such events. One year I did attend a friends family Thanksgiving and while it was great to feel included (and they really are lovely), it just triggers me in a way that I wish my own family acted this way towards one another.
I would just have a nice meal with my husband but he's out of town for work. I do fly out to join him next week and through until next year. Christmas is easier because I am out of town. I have the distance and do just that, a real low key with just my husband and I because we don't have anyone else out at that location to spend time with. It's fine.
But while I'm here, can I share something I am still bitter about? Two Thanksgivings ago I was out of town with my husband, and a family he knew in the area invited us over. I was thrilled because that's something I always wanted when I was in the area. They had asked us to bring dessert and I had spent much time planning and baking a pie. Literally the morning of, they disinvited us. This family had only invited us for Thanksgiving because their adult children were out of town but they surprised them by coming into town and decided to just kick us out of the invite. It sucked hard.
posted by xtine at 4:41 PM on November 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
It kind of pains me during these times when I see acquaintances and friends with such good and loving relationships with their families, or at least families that are able to put things on pause for nice family gatherings. I don't have friends that invite me to a Friendsgiving type ordeal because most of them are too busy with their own family to make time for such events. One year I did attend a friends family Thanksgiving and while it was great to feel included (and they really are lovely), it just triggers me in a way that I wish my own family acted this way towards one another.
I would just have a nice meal with my husband but he's out of town for work. I do fly out to join him next week and through until next year. Christmas is easier because I am out of town. I have the distance and do just that, a real low key with just my husband and I because we don't have anyone else out at that location to spend time with. It's fine.
But while I'm here, can I share something I am still bitter about? Two Thanksgivings ago I was out of town with my husband, and a family he knew in the area invited us over. I was thrilled because that's something I always wanted when I was in the area. They had asked us to bring dessert and I had spent much time planning and baking a pie. Literally the morning of, they disinvited us. This family had only invited us for Thanksgiving because their adult children were out of town but they surprised them by coming into town and decided to just kick us out of the invite. It sucked hard.
posted by xtine at 4:41 PM on November 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
I found out about a really horrible, gut-wrenching disturbing situation at work just before I went home yesterday, and am having trouble processing it. I had good opinions of and was friendly with one of the people involved, and (like many of my other coworkers, I'm sure) am shocked. I don't know how to handle this, and I disagree with how workplace leaders are handling it - although I understand their position, I feel like they could at least bring in a counselor or get ahead of the news stories , which is how a lot of people found out. Instead, I'll be directed to the EAP, and I don't feel like recounting the whole situation to them. Bah. Anyway. I'll take any spare internet hugs or cute animal pictures.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 4:41 AM on December 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Sparky Buttons at 4:41 AM on December 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
Huge hugs lovely xxxx
posted by ellieBOA at 5:02 AM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by ellieBOA at 5:02 AM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
{{{{{{{Sparky Buttons}}}}}}}
posted by hanov3r at 8:49 AM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by hanov3r at 8:49 AM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
The bane of my existance at my old job are these meetings which I have never been adequately trained to participate in and am nevertheless chided for when I drop the ball, I have just had my last one of those meetings ever hosannah
Now I just need to figure out where to place a bulk order for a 20-year-old marketing book and somehow spend LESS THAN 50% of the retail price per book in the process halp
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:37 AM on December 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
Now I just need to figure out where to place a bulk order for a 20-year-old marketing book and somehow spend LESS THAN 50% of the retail price per book in the process halp
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:37 AM on December 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
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I will share that I am feeling a bit vulnerable after I took a fall (totally just tripped stepping off a curb, with nothing to grab onto) on Sunday. I was extremely lucky and didn't break or sprain anything - I'm bruised and sore, but in one piece. I am definitely feeling weird about living alone right now, though. I've loved it since my divorce (moved out end of 2010 whoa), but there's a tug of loneliness now that wasn't there, and also a tug of what happens if I do break a leg. Eep.
posted by wellred at 8:24 AM on November 13, 2019 [11 favorites]