Fucking Fucks have Fucks: the Fuckening July 6, 2020 8:28 PM   Subscribe

There's a lot of awfulness going around. Let it all out here.
posted by daybeforetheday to MetaFilter-Related at 8:28 PM (89 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

I propose we limit the fucks to three, my blurry eyes see yuck, like yuckity yuck.

then fowl is mentioned.

yeah.
posted by clavdivs at 8:38 PM on July 6 [3 favorites]


I went to sleep back in
1979
how the hell
did this happen
please wake me soon
posted by mule98J at 12:20 AM on July 7 [2 favorites]


I miss mwhybark. That was a real loss.
posted by y2karl at 12:22 AM on July 7 [6 favorites]


I was facing 2 fucking death sentences which have been removed but there's still Cushings, and I haven't worked all fucking year. But damn if I didn't just have the best fucking fuck of my life with someone who is determined to be with me, (ir)regardless of my mortality for last 3 years. (Yeah, it was really REALLY good, I wish I'd filmed it for you - maybe because 2 scary diagnoses were ruled out today and I was so relieved that stuff got particularly excellent).
Sorry, not sorry.
Mods, please delete if I have been excessive.
posted by b33j at 12:42 AM on July 7 [37 favorites]


I'm so jealous of you b33j! It's been a sadly long time for me. Human connection is so important, go you.

I'm struggling rather much but it's two steps forward and one step back, so I guess thats progress? I don't have much else nice to say -- depression sucks -- but I'm trying to spend less time dwelling so that means I'll stop here.
posted by phoenix_courage at 12:51 AM on July 7 [3 favorites]


Hey, phoenix_courage, damn it yes. I happen to be under the influence of m8nd altering chemicals , post-sexual satisfaction and you have no idea how hard this is to make coherent, but I wanted to tell you, in the past, and a lot of this year, my life was shit (even with Mr Capable around). Being inebriated, I can't find your mailspot, but please , feel free to bitch to me, because I have been lucky enough to get out of some really shitty stuff, and we might be able to connect (when I sober up). Man, I could tell you stories, but I bet you could tell me stories, and then we would be two people in the world, sharing stories and pain and a rapport. (I do apologise if I've been over the top).
posted by b33j at 1:07 AM on July 7 [12 favorites]


Aw b33j you are so sweet and that wasn't over the top at all. You enjoy all those chemicals! You deserve it. Gives me hope that maybe some day that will be me.
posted by phoenix_courage at 1:23 AM on July 7 [3 favorites]


I’m waiting for test results to see if I get to add some form of arthritis to my many existing diagnoses. Even when it’s an explanation for existing symptoms, still fucking fuck!
posted by ellieBOA at 2:02 AM on July 7 [5 favorites]


Aw, fuck it. I'll say some of my shitty things because I'm in a terrible mood and it's late so why not shout them into the void.

I found a lump in my breast. It's probably nothing but the doctor ordered some tests just to be safe and I'm very anxious.

My marriage broke down and I fell in love with someone else but it didn't work out. The whole thing hurt me really badly. Worse, I know I have my own share of blame for all of it too. Now I'm just sad: in the middle of easily the worst depression of my life. And I'm so, so lonely.

The whole world is getting worse and worse. It's hard to maintain hope.
posted by phoenix_courage at 2:48 AM on July 7 [17 favorites]


- my fave local football team is maybe folding
- legal changes here make it, uh, *different* to post things online, or, like, speak
- i haven’t left town since february and feel v trapped
- my job is maybe safe for a few months but the likelihood i’ll be offered a contract renewal is v low
- my front door is broken
- it’s SO HUMID
posted by mdonley at 3:39 AM on July 7 [11 favorites]


My in-laws have ratcheted up their batshit passive-aggressive controlling behavior to the point that spouse and I are seriously considering selling it all, packing up the kiddo and moving thousands of miles away. I actually burned time last week reading about grandparents rights and figuring out which states fell into the intersection of far enough away + cannot sue for visitation / custody.

Spouse was thinking New Zealand would be far enough. I have a consultation with an old friend (mostly acquaintance now) whose business is helping people immigrate to the European country in which they reside.

I really wish I were kidding, but every time we think they have calmed down the pressure ratchets up again.

(b33j and phoenix_courage, yinz are so sweet).
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 3:53 AM on July 7 [9 favorites]


On Thursday, my favorite co-worker gave notice.

On Sunday, another coworker lost his house due to a fire from errant fireworks.
posted by Twicketface at 4:48 AM on July 7 [9 favorites]


Starting to sink back into the void after two weeks of being OK (visited a friend and while maybe it wasn't b33j-level it was pretty darn good and the first/only human contact I've had in months). I have a job interview this morning though so there's some hope for that end of things.

Also the show Normal People kicked my ass - this is not really a spoiler - sibling abuse is so rarely acknowledged as a thing and...it's complicated.
posted by wellred at 5:42 AM on July 7 [3 favorites]


I cannot even begin to fucking fuck the fucks. All the fucking fucks are fucking fucking. My state government sent in armed police to lock down 9 inner urban Housing Commission towers (think housing projects, I guess) after a week of bring hammered by conservative media on an outbreak stemming from poorly trained and equipped security guards enforcing hotel quarantine for travellers while restrictions were being eased oh fuck it it's genuinely a clusterfuck oh my god just read the Guardian's explainer which doesn't include the systemic racism or the howling maelstrom of Pauline Hanson because my whole city goes back into lockdown tomorrow midnight.

For six weeks.

I've been staring at these walls since the 24th of March and trying to teach online in a course that is very not online. I'm so lucky to teach in my field of research and creative practice, but it's sound design for theatre and at some point my students need to rig a speaker safely or use an audio consile, but what the fuck am I doing it for when the entire live performance industry is just gone. It's gone. There are no plays. There are no musicals and a fucking film of Hamilton is not a fucking live performance and I fucking hate musicals anyway so shut up about Hamilton because that's not jobs for my students (it's film-once, screen-many, not weeks and months and years of employment for professional crew). My own creative practice is dead... I just picked up a great gig at the weekend creating a work with one of my favourite people that I haven't ever made a show with, and it was going to be great because I love the work they do, but now it's totally fucked because the whole rehearsal period is impossible and we don't know if we can even stage the thing. I had a fight with someone I genuinely love (in a confusing way anyway) about the tower lockdown where I found out that they have views I strongly disagree with and find unpleasant and I can't reconcile that, my social feeds are full of people being awful to each other and I'm going to listen to Godspeed You! Black Emperor until I can have a good cry.
posted by prismatic7 at 7:09 AM on July 7 [10 favorites]


Back before I was medicated and got really really angry and really really depressed at the same time, one of the things I'd do to cope was load up a bunch of youtube screamy death metal videos in a bunch of tabs and push play all at once so there was just this incredible cacophoniously musical maelstrom of howling pain and anguish and I'd put on earphones and just close my eyes and stare into the the void and just channel all that rage at it (silently because I was at work) and darned if it didn't help, a little.

I haven't felt the need to do that in a while but it's pretty good on the occasion.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:23 AM on July 7 [8 favorites]


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaarrrrggggghhhh.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:07 AM on July 7 [4 favorites]


I'm a writer. I've been called back to the office tomorrow just because lol why not. To sit at a desk and write. I will be the only person in the building wearing a mask the entire time.

I'm on the knife edge of finally quitting my job over how pointless and stupid it is. I don't know what to do.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:17 AM on July 7 [12 favorites]


My landlord's adult daughter lost her job several states over and showed up on her mom's (my landlord's) doorstep to "surprise" her several weeks back and hasn't left since. My anxiety has decided to obsess over this fact because certainly it means that the landlord is going to end our month-to-month lease and kick us out in favor of her daughter. Like, I realize this actually is a possibility but my anxiety is just ... fuckin' SEIZING on it and prodding it and incessantly reminding me about it and it's really just messing with my mind as this big horrible thing hanging over my head that I have no control over. The day before I found out about the daughter I had been talking with my therapist and things had been going so well that we agreed to pause our weekly sessions and check in in a month, but I think I might need to schedule something before that now. I hate how much my state of well-being is subject to what's going on in my life, like some scrap of paper getting blown about in the wind - how do people ever achieve a sense of inner calmness to weather this kind of shit?

Plus that thread on the blue about bras has wigged me out unexpectedly. I need to stop reading it but somehow I can't. I wrote up a whole big thing to comment yesterday but nixed it because I don't think I can manage any sort of conversation that might come out of it - which is nobody's fault and I'm not saying the thread is inherently bad, just that I guess it's weird when you don't really know what's going to affect you deeply and mess up your head a bit.

Plus - and this is so much worse than any of my other petty issues - one of my students died on the 4th of July and I am heartbroken. I knew that working in Life Skills meant that this was likely to happen sooner or later but god damnit, this was my first year at the job and this particular student was one of the very first where I felt like I was actually doing something meaningful and she was just ... so funny and sweet and kind. She always made me laugh, and she always spoke up when I was leading a lesson and I can already picture the unfillable hole that will be in the classroom next year. As far as I know she didn't die of Covid, but I had honestly been worried about that for her specifically since the whole debacle began and every time I see some selfish asshole bitching about masks or insisting that THEY found a loophole to social distancing I think of her and just get so angry and sad all over again. She was a joy to work with and deserved a long, happy life and I'm just so sad.

Fucking fuck.
posted by DingoMutt at 11:12 AM on July 7 [20 favorites]


Aw, b33j, I'm so happy for you! Can't think of anything more life-affirming.
posted by HotToddy at 11:58 AM on July 7 [3 favorites]


I've slowly gotten used to my feet intermittently being swollen as a side effect of one of my medications...but at the moment they're swollen and as a result (I think) of adjusting the dosage of one of my other medications, I have a godawful systemic rash on them, my inner thighs, and one of my upper arms. It doesn't hurt, per se, but it all itches like a motherfucker and is ugly and red and bumpy and argh.

I managed to get scheduled in to actually see a doctor face-to-face tomorrow morning, and with any luck there'll be a relatively easy fix, but fuck.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:18 PM on July 7 [4 favorites]


mwhybark.... FUCK. I don't want to miss him for long.
posted by clavdivs at 1:06 PM on July 7 [3 favorites]


I am very, very, very tired, and I need a break, and I'm not going to get one until my mother dies, which is making me feel extremely guilty for wanting a break.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 1:28 PM on July 7 [15 favorites]


I live in Chile, one the countries which have had the worst handling of the epidemic, thanks to the government putting the needs of companies above the lives of its citizens.
When this is over, if it ever is over, we expect the people to go back to the streets, where they were before the pandemic, to protest these idiots with renowned vigor, thus bringing the country to a standstill once more.
So, there's that to look forward to.
posted by signal at 2:44 PM on July 7 [10 favorites]


*Hugs to anyone who needs them*

I live in the same city as prismatic7. The one where less than a month ago, we were reporting very few COVID cases.

Then thanks to government outsourcing the security of those in quarantine, we got an outbreak, and now we're recording higher case numbers each day, bigger than the first wave. We're back in lockdown which I think is going to destroy so many businesses and people's mental health. It's the right thing to do, but it's still going to be catastrophic.

That's not even beginning to touch on the GIANT CLUSTERFUCK OF RACIST AND CLASSIST oppression where people in the housing commission towers have been treated like criminals and denied rights and basic needs.

I don't think we can beat this. Barely anyone wears a mask. People are looking for loopholes. People aren't spacing in shops, and retailers who aren't essential are open. People just don't FUCKING care.

If you want to see what a second wave looks like and the dangers of thinking the worst is over, google Melbourne
posted by daybeforetheday at 3:03 PM on July 7 [9 favorites]


Wasted my day off today trying to give blood at a Red Cross drive. Scheduled an appointment, set up an account, filled out the advance questionnaire, brought a mask along. But since my car's AC is broken, by the time I got there (less than 10 minutes) my temperature was stubbornly less than half a degree above their little forehead scanner's threshold. Went back home, waited 20 minutes, and used an oral thermometer -- 98.7°! I called them and got the OK to reschedule for their last slot of the day. Tested again right before I left: 97.9°. Drove there windows down under an overcast sky on a 85° day while drinking cold water. You guessed it: temperature too high to donate. I don't know if it was from a wonky scanner or my dark quarantine hair having covered my forehead or getting flushed from annoyance/embarrassment at feeling like a leper in front of everybody. But I do know that when I got back and popped a thermometer immediately after walking in the door: 98.8°. Fuck.

Thanks, Red Cross -- I ate healthy and drank plenty of fluids for nothing.
posted by Rhaomi at 5:26 PM on July 7 [10 favorites]


Oh, DingoMutt, losing a student must be so, so horrible, I'm sorry. Fucking fuck that. (and all your other fucking fuck stuff - fuck that)

And ArbitraryAndCapricious - I'm sure your situation is as complicated as can be and I am so, so sorry.
posted by Pax at 6:04 PM on July 7 [4 favorites]


Fuck - at least I kept my fucking boasting about fucking to this site (and my extremely excessive soppiness) to Metatalk instead of Facebook. Awkward.
posted by b33j at 7:18 PM on July 7 [8 favorites]


my elderly dad has entirely drunk the British Establishment … vimto(? ) and goes on lengthy rants about why the Scottish First Minister should be assassinated every week. It is not interesting to talk with him any more, and that makes me sad.

Still, that Bolsonaro chap's having a shitty week. Couldn't happen to a nicer fellow.
posted by scruss at 7:22 PM on July 7 [5 favorites]


I signed an open letter (the Pinker one) and now every time I go on the social medias people from my professional networks who I thought I liked and respected (and some of whom I thought I was friends with and have drinks with at conferences and so on) are calling those of us who signed (at best) "misguided zealots" through to (at worst) "intellectually dishonest" and "deceitful" "Stalinists" who "absolutely despise the Enlightenment". Also (mysteriously) "Karens". Others are dismissing the signatories alternately as "just insignificant graduate students and postdocs" or "out of touch professors in their ivory towers" (lol, okay, let's be both at once). There are people stating they have made copies of the list of signatories to ensure they never cite our work or get invited to give talks, and other people threatening to write to our institutions to demand we be fired. Some of my colleagues have received personal threats to this effect via DM or email, though fortunately I haven't had that (yet).
posted by lollusc at 8:22 PM on July 7 [8 favorites]


On the plus side, the appearance of the NEW open letter today means that now I can tell myself any angry but sufficiently vague subtweets about open letters from now on are referring to that one instead.
posted by lollusc at 8:29 PM on July 7 [7 favorites]


My mum died a week ago and I am alternating between sadness and laughing every time I open a goddamn cupboard in her house and am ambushed with Yet More Yarn. I worked so hard for the last eight months to try and give her the best chance of surviving and now I feel totally adrift - essentially I worked twelve hour days for 8 months solid with no breaks and now I have no idea what I'm doing.

I moved in with her in October when it was obvious that she was ill, and I've just come back to my own house for a few nights and it doesn't feel like I live here anymore. My husband has expanded into every room of the house. My own stuff has been moved or borrowed, and everything is dusty and grotty. It's a hovel. It disgusts me.

I can't plan a proper funeral because Covid. I can't plan a holiday because Covid. I have no idea what I'm doing.
posted by ninazer0 at 9:36 PM on July 7 [23 favorites]


I signed the same thing, lollusc, and I am 100% in solidarity with all your feelings.

The shenanigans with both of those open letters (plus all the JK Rowling crap and twitter in general) are really doing my head in today and not mixing well at all with my depression.

Oh, and I'm in the same city as prismatic7 and daybeforetheday and several others here and I just want to cry.

PLUS I just came out of a really demoralising meeting at work and am dealing with possible health concerns on top of all the rest of the life chaos and am trying to put together a talk that I'm afraid will piss a different set of people off and UGH I am pretty well over everything right now.
posted by forza at 9:50 PM on July 7 [7 favorites]


Same old, same old, I guess. I refused to see my mom for the 4th of July and she decided to socialize with friends instead. One of my coworkers is throwing a birthday party for her grandson! 50 people! Others are going on trips and things.

The situation at work:
(a) Coworker retiring, work attempted to hire 2 people to replace her. Work had huuuuuuge problems with HR throwing out their job hunts over and over again.
(b) Covid hit, hiring massacred, got permission to hire ONE person.
(c) My boss transferred one of our temps over to train to learn the job along with me. I have had corona brain for months, so temp learned more than I did about the job. Boss wanted to hire her.
(d) Temp applied for the job, was obviously nervous during the interview, and grandboss decided she haaaaaaaaaated the temp and refused to hire her, and also claimed it was a "conflict of interest" to train someone for a job and then hire them for it, which is coincidentally how grandboss got her job. Grandboss also berated her about her bad interview over Zoom until she cried.
(e) Oh, they did extend the temp's contract....so she can train the winner of the job.
However, (f) the temp got a new job, which somehow has literally the fastest hiring EVER that I have ever heard of here.

I'm happy for her because she can absolutely tell grandboss to GO BLOW and it's a freaking MIRACLE to have that happen. Nobody ever gets to say "SHOVE IT" like this in real ife.

But I am screwed, left alone to do my job and another job I really cannot take over or do all alone, and especially can't train a stranger in how to do things . And I guess hiring is on freeze AGAIN because "no news!" on hiring the absolute most perfect person, either. And this is my huge busy season so no, I really, really don't have time to do all the other shit at all whatsoever. My boss is trying to move someone else back onto my (lack of) team, but that's the coworker throwing the 50 person birthday party....
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:42 PM on July 7 [9 favorites]


I'm still married. The divorce should have been done in 3-6 months, and I filed in April 2019. I'm so damn ready to move on, and in most ways I have, but there's some things I can't shed until the legal stuff is done.

I'm realizing that a bad thing about buying a house that was flipped is that everything seems to be breaking down and needing replacement about the same time (7-8 years in). I had to get my sewer pipes rodded out ($$$), I need to replace my refrigerator ($$$), I just broke a ceiling fan (fixable), a lot of repainting needs to happen (DIYable). Plus my hot water heater was replaced in the last 6 months too. It's been a very expensive year.

Also, I hate the summer. I'm at least 20% crabbier in hot and humid weather, and being isolated certainly isn't helping


Hugs to everyone who would like one ❤️💗
posted by Sparky Buttons at 4:41 AM on July 8 [20 favorites]


I'm trying so hard to focus on the positive things (and there are positive things in my life right now so I know I am very, very fortunate) but I haven't seen my husband since the 29th of February because of border closures and travel restrictions. We don't know when we'll be able to see each other and it is so hard to just keep "taking things a day at a time". At this point, even if someone said it will be October or November before see each other, I would just be glad to know when. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
posted by gursky at 6:27 AM on July 8 [9 favorites]


So sorry for your loss, ninazer0. Sending warm thoughts your way.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:31 AM on July 8 [3 favorites]


I find out on Friday whether I'm laid off or not. Comrade Doll is already laid off, so that would be rough on our family. Accepting all positive vibes this doesn't happen.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:46 AM on July 8 [17 favorites]


(trigger warning. Murder, suicide)

My best friend since high school called me up a few weeks ago. We were always thick as thieves but due to life circumstances we hadn't spoken in a few years. He told me his wife left him, and he wanted me to visit. He sounded in a bad way, so I made the trip.

When I got there, it was great to see him again, but he was acting so weird. I'd rather not go into detail but he kept asking me to cross boundaries I have in place for covid and other reasons. He kept getting drunker and drunker. Finally after many refusals of physical contact, he did the thing. Went into the bathroom, came out, told me he'd taken enough pills to die.

I had a massive panic attack and the next two hours were a blur. I got him to vomit but he refused subsequent medical care. Someone called the cops. During the ensuing chaos my friend said and did some extremely disturbing things to me, including blaming me for everything going wrong in his life. Cops basically told me if I didn't get an ECO, they couldn't help him. I was terrified, in over my head, and didn't know what to do. I didn't know anyone else in his life he could contact. finally I managed to pull myself together and drove to the magistrate. He was put on a temporary (3-day hold). If I had had any other conceivable option, I would have taken it, but I was afraid both OF him, and FOR him- I felt certain he would try again.

I managed to get in touch with his mother, who has known me since I was a teen. She expressed sorrow but not surprise. Apparently he had been heading down a terrible path for a while now. I wasn't even remotely aware.

For the next seven days I felt an incredible sense of dread. Something worse was coming.
I was still dealing with major trauma symptoms a week later when I heard that he had been released, and that he had stabbed someone to death. It was so much worse than my worst case scenario.

The next day, he called me from the jail. I picked up. He asked me for a favor.. I had another breakdown. I am not proud of this but I blocked the number.

I've been in a dark dark hole for three weeks or so. I have a counselor who is helping but I'm just... Lost. I keep flashing back. Can't seem to function, and I was barely functional as is. I keep wondering about the victim and his family. I keep wondering "what if". If I could have stopped it.


Whew.

It was somewhat healing to write this out. I'm so sorry if it upset anyone. Or if it wasn't right for the thread. Still getting used to the idea it even happened.
posted by captain afab at 9:38 AM on July 8 [44 favorites]


Holy Fuck!
Actual fuckity fuck...
Never mind.
Let me sleep.
posted by mule98J at 9:48 AM on July 8 [1 favorite]


Oh goodness captain afab, I'm so, so sorry. I will be sending thoughts of peace.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 11:22 AM on July 8 [5 favorites]


As expected, no one in my office has masks on. I do. I hear coughing.

edit: Oh my god, captain. It is not your fault. You cannot stop someone from doing something. You did so much. I'm so sorry for the pain rippling through everyone's life over that senseless act, but it is not your fault.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:08 PM on July 8 [11 favorites]


Thank you. At first I felt terrible guilt I couldn't explain. Eventually I remembered to step back and get perspective, and realized I would never blame someone else for doing what I did.
posted by captain afab at 12:41 PM on July 8 [20 favorites]


You went above and beyond, cap'n. I doubt I would have done half of what you did and I think of myself as a decent human being.
posted by signal at 3:11 PM on July 8 [5 favorites]


captain afab, I'm so sorry. For what it's worth, I think you behaved incredibly admirably. None of us is responsible for another's choices, only the choices we make, and you chose to do what was necessary to save the life of a friend. It sounds like you're also choosing now to do what's necessary to protect yourself and your own mental health, which is also admirable. Please be kind to yourself after going through so much, you deserve kindness.
posted by biogeo at 9:09 PM on July 8 [5 favorites]


captain afab, that is a terrible, stressful thing to happen, and you handled it far better than I can imagine myself doing. You aren't responsible for those choices, and you aren't responsible for those actions. Someone who is in that much confusion and sorrow will hurt themselves and everyone around them without thinking, and there are people who are trained to deal with it. You're one human, and you need safety and security too. You are loved.
posted by prismatic7 at 11:39 PM on July 8 [2 favorites]


Fuck It - Fuck Yeah: I've been having periods with intermittent fevers, despite me staying completely in, and only going out for essentials. So, whenever I contact the doc via Telehealth, they go 'COVID!', and I have to get a test. I understand the concern. However, I don't know if it's an actual condition, or if it's just normal variances in temp that I'm picking up on now, because I'm taking my temp more than usual.

I've had three COVID tests now, all negative.

However, this is the 'Fuck Yeah' part: this same doctor did work with me on an 'action plan' re:these small fevers. Which is: basically, just isolate yourself when feeling feverish, and if you're temp is 98.6 or below, you're not actually feverish. If you feel feverish *and* unwell, come in for an in person doctor's appointment.
posted by spinifex23 at 12:18 AM on July 9 [2 favorites]


captain afab, you were a fantastic friend and did everything right. I am so so sorry.
posted by daybeforetheday at 2:32 AM on July 9 [4 favorites]


Also, I've just now found out that my employer has kicked off some sort of months-long arcane UK-employment-law-required consultation process to enable layoffs/redundancies. No idea what will come out of it, and I can't see trimming my department (or my job) without impairing the functioning of the place really badly, but still. It's not exactly enhancing my calm.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:36 AM on July 9 [4 favorites]


My brother passed away. This was not unexpected, but still gut-wrenching. He had intestinal cancer that hypermetastisized and responded to pretty much no treatments. The New York Times posted an obituary here and Scott Simon devoted some time to his memory on Weekend Edition. What is truly tragic was not that his life was cut short but that he leaves behind him his spouse and his 19 month old son.

Here are some memories that I wrote up. The Times obit and Scott Simon are mistaken - Mike never wrote video games for Lucasfilm. He worked on a prototype of a digital video/film editor. This was in 1985 or so - well before that task could be handled by a computer you could carry in your pocket.

The gravity of it doesn't hit me except in one aspect: people who create music fill a space in the world. When a musician dies they leave behind a music-shaped hole in the world that they had once filled. Our mother was also a talented pianist. When I was a kid, I used to lie on the floor under her Knabe grand and listen to her playing. She had a number of pieces that she liked to go through. One in particular was Rondo Capriccioso by Mendelssohn. A year or so after she passed, I heard a high school student playing it on From the Top while I was out driving. I had to pull over because of the weeping. I told Mike about that experience when I was visiting him and he got up and walked over to one of the pianos in his home and he sat down and started playing it cold. Wrecked me again.

Here are two pieces that he played that are about as different as you can imagine. The first is The Legend of St. Francis Walking on the Waves by Liszt. The second is a transcription of Sweet Lorraine by Art Tatum.

fuck.
posted by plinth at 1:45 PM on July 9 [29 favorites]


I had made plans to see a friend in person and get a hug for the first time since March two weeks ago, but those plans have fallen through two times now because of her works inability to keep to a testing schedule. Might happen next week, might not.

Another friend of mine who I care about very deeply had to go back to work or lose her health insurance. She works outside and is being safe but also hates her job and was just starting to look into changing jobs before the pandemic happened. Now nobody's hiring so she's stuck with a job she hates and that drains all of her energy.

My supervisor, who's been the best possible supervisor throughout all of this and fought for my ongoing ability to work from home for the foreseeable future, spent last weekend visiting friends at the shore, and is now having symptoms and looking into getting tested for COVID.

Fucking fuck could the world stop? Just stop being horrible, please, please, please.
posted by bridgebury at 2:52 PM on July 9 [6 favorites]


Hey plinth, that was a beautiful tribute to your brother. He was clearly a remarkable man and much beloved. Seems to have made a lot of worthwhile contributions to humanity. I'm sorry you have had to say goodbye to him and I hope his family is doing as well as they possibly can be. Fuck cancer
posted by captain afab at 4:34 PM on July 9 [3 favorites]


Plinth, I'm so very sorry to hear of your brother's death; thanks very much for giving us an opportunity to know him a little via the links and your comments. What a terrible loss for for you and for his family, but it sound also like a terrible loss to the world of an amazingly gifted person.
posted by Kat Allison at 4:57 PM on July 9 [1 favorite]


I keep going back and forth about posting this... On the 8th of June, I had my 10-1/2 year old basset hound Ella put to sleep. We'd been treating her for a persistent but mild cough, and it was on the third visit to the vet, prompted by her refusal to eat anything, that X-rays and blood work showed pneumonia, a large mass in her lungs, and liver failure. Logically, it was the right thing to do, but it still hurt to do it. I thought I was prepared; not so much.
posted by coppertop at 7:53 PM on July 9 [11 favorites]


Underfunctioning badly. I had started to see friends for socially distanced outings but now the numbers are going back up in my state - thanks to the majority of citizens who think the whole thing is a hoax or something. So i don't know when I'll see a friend again, and I know my mental health is going to take a dive.

And I'm tired and angry at the world. People are so much more horrible than they need to be. I'm even frustrated with other liberals in my community.
posted by bunderful at 9:14 PM on July 9 [3 favorites]


I haven't done anything remotely enjoyable since March 11. I don't even remember what enjoying things feels like anymore.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:09 PM on July 9 [8 favorites]


I've gotten very good at pretending that I'm not endlessly screaming inside and wishing I could pull my hair out of my scalp strand by strand, though. Who says I didn't acquire any new skills in quarantine.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:11 PM on July 9 [7 favorites]


I ESCAPED THE LAYOFFS.

(Whew)
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:13 AM on July 10 [26 favorites]


My beloved cat Rembrandt is terminally ill. He was born with cardiac hypertrophy and it's finally progressing, and he will die of congestive heart failure (or euthanasia, I'm not going to let him suffer) in the next few months. He is one of the best friends I've ever had in my life and I cannot stop crying.

I'm immunocompromised and may have to renegotiate whether I can see my one friend who has been isolating at the same level as me because his wife is going to have to go back to work soon, and if we can't figure out a way to make that safe then I will be back in total isolation with no hugs and only occasional chats with my friends who bring me groceries and things I can't get curbside/delivery/drive-through.

My new doctor thinks I may have mast cell activation syndrome, and while it's good to know what's going on and that there are treatments available, it's going to mean a lot of unpleasantness between testing and diet changes, including having to quit tea (my only source of caffeine) for at least a few weeks, while I am working and while my cat gets sicker.

I want to start dating again and have no prospects and also this is way more complicated than normal because of coronavirus. Being alone all the time is getting to me.
posted by bile and syntax at 10:01 AM on July 10 [13 favorites]


I feel guilty for complaining because so many people are going through so much worse. Yet, I need to get this off my chest so I can begin to stop the wallowing and self-pity. I have no friends and no job or even hope of a job. I have been underemployed for a long time but now that I don't have a job, I feel even more worthless and useless than I normally do. No one likes me. I feel like a loser all the time.

I tried getting therapy a few times but the closest I got to someone actually seeing me was a months long waitlist years ago and then gave up. I have no skills to speak of and I can't do anything to justify being worth more than getting paid minimum wage even with what feels like a useless degree. I'm trying not to hate myself as much anymore, so at least I got that going for me.
posted by VyanSelei at 10:49 AM on July 10 [7 favorites]


I am working on an emergency fix and just discovered that one of the test systems is on the wrong release. The developer and I were hoping to resolve the issue tonight so we would not have to burn our whole weekend. The weekend is now in ashes and the unit responsible for upgrading the systems is having a galop in the remains.

I'm offering virtual hugs to anyone who needs one.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 6:02 PM on July 10 [3 favorites]


bile and syntax: "My beloved cat Rembrandt …"

I'm so sorry.
Yukiko, my cat of 19 years died a little over a year ago. We buried him in the yard, wrapped in one of my wife's jackets he liked to sleep in. We planted a tree over him with a ring of stones around it.
We had a candlelight ceremony on the first anniversary, said some words. Our 2 new cats, Asami and Naga, went out after we came in and stood by the grave, looking at it for longer than you could attribute to random cattitude.
Cats know.
posted by signal at 7:41 PM on July 10 [8 favorites]


I want to start dating again and have no prospects and also this is way more complicated than normal because of coronavirus.

My now-ex broke up with me the same week the lockdowns started in March, and I figured that was it, I’d be alone forever.

Maybe 3 weeks ago I was feeling lonely and the breakup had kinda receded in my thoughts and I made a profile on Tinder. Yes, Tinder.

It’s actually been great! Even just the conversations have been great. Especially when someone in particular turns out to be awesome to talk to...

The thing is, we’re all in basically the same boat right now. I guess it’s more than just you and me who are looking for someone to love as everything burns. So I say, go for it! You don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Even just talking to new people is refreshing and great.

My fucking fuck is that I hate my job. For a multitude of reasons. And my eyes were really opened by their coronavirus response (they have not handled any of this well —or kindly). I’m trying everything I can to leave, and maybe I’ll be able to soon...but for now, I feel trapped and demeaned and I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. The ache in my jaw and in my back is proof.

But I’m not there this minute, so fuck them and I’m not going to let them invade the peace of my home and my heart right now.
posted by rue72 at 7:47 PM on July 10 [6 favorites]


Oh I have dating profiles up, I'm just not getting matches. I'm over 40, queer, not poly, and not up for dealing with children. It limits my options pretty substantially, but I've learned the hard way not to compromise about it. So... yeah.
posted by bile and syntax at 2:42 PM on July 11 [3 favorites]


I am horrified at the people I know who are going to birthday parties. In addition to the coworker throwing the 50 person birthday party today, I found out that someone I know over 65 is going to an in-person birthday party tomorrow. I had to restrain myself so hard from not saying anything because what good does it do.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:26 PM on July 11 [3 favorites]


I hate to ask, but... what has happened to mwhybark?
posted by tumbling at 2:51 AM on July 12 [1 favorite]


He closed his MetaFilter account about a month ago. This is, AFAIK, the only reason he gave.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 6:19 AM on July 12


My Facebook feed is a mind boggling mix of: Australians/Victorians talking about/complaining about the new lockdowns and restrictions, American friends posting snapshots of family get togethers, and my Bolivian friends are sharing photos of people with captions like "person X urgently requires covid anti body blood, B+, please call xxxx if you can help"

The spread is incredible.
posted by freethefeet at 7:09 AM on July 12 [7 favorites]


I realized on my drive home from donating books for a high school student's NHS service project included this one in the pile. I probably should have pulled that one.

I deactivated my well-known-toxic-social-media-site-acccount earlier this week to put myself in a time out, but I kept the messaging open to stay in contact with some friends. I fear the repercussions.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 1:47 PM on July 12


I wish my brain had any sort of way to think of other solutions to the fear of my very bad employer calling me back in from being remote other than stopping living. The effort of job hunting now that my dreams of grad school are over, I'd really rather just not exist. I put in for the following week off, I'm trying to delay coming in until after that.

Or just quitting after that. It's really hard to not walk away from everything.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:32 PM on July 13 [5 favorites]


OnTheLastCastle, I'm sorry :( Hang in there. I hope you can get some peace and R&R during your week off that puts you in a better headspace.

And worst case scenario, quitting a job is definitely better than stopping living!
posted by lollusc at 9:38 PM on July 13 [2 favorites]


Real poopy day on MetaFilter dot com.
posted by Going To Maine at 7:13 PM on July 14 [4 favorites]


Seriously. Very “but doctor, I AM MetaFilter.” vibes.
posted by Going To Maine at 11:37 PM on July 14


A small anti-fuck (it is too a word shut up): Yesterday Mrs. Example and I finally, finally managed to pay back the last person who loaned us money for the exorbitant last-minute fees for my work visa three years ago. We're now steadily paying off the bank loan for our permanent residency fees (two years to go), and at the rate we're saving after my raise four months back, we could very possibly be able to pay for our citizenship applications outright in 2021 or 2022.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:09 AM on July 15 [10 favorites]


I tried to give blood yesterday - made the appointment at the start of lockdown and it was the first one I could get. On turning up, first got turned away as I hadn't eaten enough that morning. They gave me another appointment for later the same day and I did a depressing trip to the nearest shop and stuffed myself with crap food, sitting on a metal rail in a rather grim estate in the rain. Returned and they found my iron levels were too low. Which was a surprise as I already take iron supplements. The whole thing triggered a bit of a shame spiral of I can't get things right and I'm wasting the NHS's time. Though it was almost worth it to see a test-tube (filled with eerie green fluid) in the wild.
posted by paduasoy at 6:04 AM on July 15 [2 favorites]


Everytime I call home to mother, somebody is either dead or dying.
posted by infini at 12:21 PM on July 15 [5 favorites]


paduasoy, if at first you don't succeed, try again! I got rejected twice in one day upthread due to micro-fever from a hot car ride, but I was able to go in again today and donate without issue. (Unfortunately they were out of free t-shirts in my size, but I don't think that merits a "fucking fuck"... I'll save that for if the COVID antibody test they do turns out positive.)
posted by Rhaomi at 12:01 PM on July 16 [2 favorites]


I'm fucking angry today, angry at what's going on in the world and here on MeFi, and it's coming out in weird ways. I was too direct with a friend, I fricking hate Microsoft (this is not new but it's on fire today), I'm antsy as hell on the last day of my first full week of a new job (in normal times I would not choose to WFH), and I got super ripshit ragey at someone who intimated that autism somehow goes away or related sensory issues disappear in adulthood.

Grar.
posted by wellred at 12:23 PM on July 17 [3 favorites]


Federal agents in Portland randomly grabbing people is fucking crazy and I'm worrying about how deep this'll tank out as the US election gets closer and what might happen if Trump stays in or what the GOP are planning for their next go round. Seeing the number of QAnon followers in government and law enforcement, I'm imagining that as unrest grows, sheriffs will deputize local gun nuts to go out and round up people for detention. Torture was deemed functionally lawful 20 years ago (or at least very few have been held to account since) and the GOP has gotten everybody used to the idea that shit happens and the government can’t be expected to tie up every loose end....so inevitably, people will disappear. Death squads will own the streets and white, suburban North America will accept it as the cost of preserving order and their way of life.

I’m working to a deadline and spend too much of my day feeling angry, afraid for the future of my nephews, the health of my mother and I'm unable to focus.
posted by bonobothegreat at 2:40 PM on July 18 [3 favorites]


I know it's a stupid thing to miss but I really miss REALLY good food. Like, Michelin-star quality food. Or even just hot, fresh, served as intended food. We get takeout sometimes and it's not like takeout can't be good but...it's never quite as good as it could be. And I'm like, fuck, am I legit going to die without ever eating a truly incredible meal again? Fuck.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:58 PM on July 22 [2 favorites]


I have a friend who is on the downhill slide of alcoholism. She just got out of an 8-day stay at the hospital, apparently due to a medication reaction which I am guessing is due to her liver and kidney function being complete shit because alcoholism. I gave her a place to stay, rent free, for three years, but two years ago I had to kick her out because living with an alcoholic was no longer within my capacity, for my own sanity.

I'm amazed she's held on this long on her own, but I will be equally amazed if she holds on for very much longer. There's nothing much more I can do for her anymore but bear witness, but even that's getting harder to do.
posted by notoriety public at 12:19 PM on July 23 [5 favorites]


Ok I have to say something about this and I don't think it applies anywhere else so I am going to shout it into the void. I honestly thought I had been inured to the terribleness of the Trump administration and that nothing could surprise me anymore, but no. I saw this headline just now. "PAW Patrol clarifies it hasn't been canceled after McEnany claim". I mean how much wronger could you possibly be? None, none more wrong. There really is no bottom.
posted by Literaryhero at 7:00 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]


Covid continues to rise and rise in my city. I feel this will never end. I have walked into a dystopian future and there's no escape.
posted by daybeforetheday at 9:06 PM on July 27 [1 favorite]


I'm gonna keep it vague, but suffice it to say since I last wrote things have gone from fuxxored but ticking along okay to 100% fuxxoration. I did manage to get wifi strung out to where I'm laying my head, so at least I could swing by and, as always, offer my condolences to hearts that grieve and love to those who struggle with THE WEIGHT.
posted by ob1quixote at 6:37 PM on July 28 [2 favorites]


Some weeks ago I said that this was going to be years and years of lockdown and folks here were like nah, no need to panic, more like one year. I clung to that SO HARD. But today the local authorities said to expect years and years of lockdown. And now I have nothing to cling to.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:21 PM on July 28 [4 favorites]


This is small in the grand scheme of things, but my alopecia areata is getting worse, and it's very distressing. I had just one big bald spot for about the past month, and just this week 2 more smaller ones have popped up. I searched through Instagram last night, trying to find people who are open and posting about it and who could be all inspirational and whatnot. Most of what I got was companies trying to sell me shit. Not helpful. Gaaah. At the dermatologist, she made the comment about how I am healthy (yay), so this is just a way my body is responding to stress, and suggested I do deep breathing exercises. Mhm. 2020 is way beyond deep breaths. Fuck this year.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 5:28 AM on July 29 [5 favorites]


I haven’t had really bad anxiety in a couple of months, but hoo boy, it’s back with a vengeance.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 1:11 AM on August 4 [4 favorites]


I thought I was over the coronabrain and yet I had two HUUUUUUUUGE fuckups at work. And got rightly eviscerated for it. And I am not allowed to say that I am feeling stress from this, apparently.

I still can't problem solve and this is a huuuuuuge problem. That, of course, I can't solve.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:51 PM on August 4 [4 favorites]


If you had told me years ago that some day the Chinese government would be indirectly inconveniencing me and making my job way harder than it should have to be...

See, we have a lot of Chinese students who are all back home and studying remotely because of...well, all of this. *gestures broadly at everything* Them being behind the Great Firewall of China means we're having to jump through hoops and construct positively Rube Goldbergian networking workarounds to make sure they can get their email and log into our main student-facing systems and connect to the videoconferencing tool we use for online teaching and turn in assignments and...

The email part seems to be working, but a lot of the other shit keeps breaking, and the other half of my two-person team is off on vacation, leaving me to deal with it all. Meanwhile, I also have all of the other day-to-day routine things from both of our jobs to take care of all at once. I've been at my desk for less than two hours and answered something like twelve or fourteen lengthy emails on top of a bunch of investigation and support case opening and running maintenance scripts and all of that. I'm going to fuck off to lunch shortly, and I'm sorely tempted to just shut down my phone and laptop for the day and not come back.

If I had any hair left, I'd be tearing it out. Fuck. The one saving grace in all this is that I've got a week and a half off coming up next week, and then it's my coworker's turn to deal with all of this.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:55 AM on August 5 [2 favorites]


if you had told me years ago that some day the Chinese government would be indirectly inconveniencing me and making my job way harder than it should have to be...

Hah, my job too, though I have to deal with them never receiving anything in mail and not checking their emails because of Chinese VPNs.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:40 PM on August 6 [1 favorite]


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