Can we have just *one* thread without cis nonsense? July 29, 2020 8:56 AM   Subscribe

This is that thread. The trans thread. If you're cisgender, go ahead and sit this one out instead of fucking it up for us again.
posted by this one sparks joy to MetaFilter-Related at 8:56 AM (65 comments total) 27 users marked this as a favorite

(A note on the new community management structure: I’ve asked r_n to do the usual daily roundup of key points but not to post about it in this thread.)
posted by this one sparks joy at 9:01 AM on July 29 [3 favorites]

*big inhale* I'm a trans woman.

I was planning to come out on National Coming Out Day in October, but fuck it, my entire life is an absolute mess, I'm losing hope by the day, and the whole goddamn country is on fire, so nothing matters anymore. I'm 40 years old, AMAB, and I spent most of my life in denial and slowly killing myself by neglect until I finally had a breakdown/breakthrough (breakdownthrough?) in February and started seeing a gender therapist. Now I'm on HRT and feeling better about myself than I can ever remember, but what a fucking world to discover when you finally decide you want to live, right?

So that's it; that's my big coming out announcement. Your support and validation will be greatly appreciated, because gods know I need them right now.

(I'll preemptively apologize for making this thread about me. I just need a safe space.)
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:03 AM on July 29 [299 favorites]

Faint of Butt, this thread already was about you. Welcome aboard, it’s a wild ride. <3
posted by this one sparks joy at 9:07 AM on July 29 [23 favorites]

Thank you.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:10 AM on July 29 [1 favorite]

💖 faint 🏳️‍⚧️
posted by anem0ne at 9:14 AM on July 29 [3 favorites]

See, all metatalks should kick off with happy news like that! Congrats, FoB!
posted by mittens at 9:17 AM on July 29 [2 favorites]

I'm trying to make a funny and supportive comment that ends with the punchline "I touch the butt" but I'm too tired to think of one- Congrats FoB!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 9:27 AM on July 29 [4 favorites]

posted by death valley compound at 9:30 AM on July 29 [1 favorite]

big feels, FOB. this is the best metatalk ever!
posted by a Rrose by any other name at 9:33 AM on July 29 [3 favorites]

Love to you, Faint of Butt!
posted by Lexica at 9:45 AM on July 29 [3 favorites]

Faint of Butt <3 <3 <3

Came in here all guarded and now I just wanna cry happy tears. Welcome to the best adventure.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:15 AM on July 29 [5 favorites]

Wonderful news, FOB. Thank you for telling us !
posted by AlexiaSky at 10:25 AM on July 29 [2 favorites]

Congrats FOB 💜
posted by Mauve at 10:28 AM on July 29 [1 favorite]

Oh my God, what a great beginning to this thread. FOB, welcome to the family you were always a part of, we love you and mazel tov and what wonderful news <3
posted by kalimac at 11:18 AM on July 29 [2 favorites]

Yay Faint of Butt!

I haven’t stopped by the TransFilter Slack much lately because dealing with pandemic stress has led me to step back a bit from (virtual) social interaction, but extra hello to everyone on Slack and hope you are all hanging in there.
posted by capricorn at 12:01 PM on July 29 [7 favorites]

*waves at all my fellow trans and nb Mefite friends, hugs Faint of Butt hard*

I barfed my story in the recent Real Life Comics thread, been out as nb the past few months and changed my name in the last two weeks. This is an incredibly joyful, incredibly hard journey, and I'm really grateful for all of those who have come before me. Happy to be with you.
posted by yellowbinder at 12:31 PM on July 29 [19 favorites]

congraulations FoB! thank you for the share!
i was in a similar place a year ago (at 47yo) and will be celebrating my HRT bday in a few weeks
posted by kokaku at 1:02 PM on July 29 [8 favorites]

Oh my goodness, FOB, that's great!

I, an old, always like to hear from people who transition later in life - so much of my social media is people who transition in their teens or very early twenties, and I'm extremely happy that this is an option for people but I always feel so, so late.

On a silly note, my pandemic challenge (other than depression and horrible anxiety like everyone else) is how to feel okay about growing my hair out. So much of my gender expression has been channeled through having a really good barbershop cut and I'd just gotten the best one of my life right before all this started, and now I'm back to a sort of mid-nineties junior high boy haircut. (My hair is really coarse and buzzing it all off is just something I'm not willing to do right now - unless I decide to make a lifetime commitment to buzz cuts, since growing it out is about four months of increasingly dandelion-like misery until the top will even lie down a little bit) It's not so bad but I need a better conditioner. With really short hair, it doesn't matter so much and I was just using pantene, but now that it's down to my ears it clearly needs something more.
posted by Frowner at 1:18 PM on July 29 [26 favorites]

Congrats Faint of Butt!

I started transitioning in my mid 30s. Is that later in life?

Its really nice to be (mostly) in control of my transition. If you're a minor or dependent on your parents, you have to convince them before you can start anything. If your parents are supportive it seems it would be nice to have someone like that on your side (I'm thinking of the young people I know whose parents have really pushed doctors to get the care their children need). But given my parents', um, less than enthusiastic response, I'm glad I didn't have to rely on them for access to care.

I've also found that (thanks to those who came before me) most people have been accepting. Turns out you can just tell people you have a new name and pronouns and they'll just use them??! I transitioned on the job a year ago and have only heard my old name once or twice which were clearly accidental, and which is so much better than I expected. I mean, I wish I could remove my old name from all my co-workers' brains. And there are so. many. computer. systems that have it in some table somewhere.

Oh, I forgot the best part! You know that crushing feeling, that heavy weight you've carried around for decades, that feeling you're playing a part that even if you found the script you wouldn't be able to act out correctly? You can just stop! You can put it down! Let other people be uncomfortable instead! (Within reason, I'm only talking about my experience with gender here) It's pretty great!
posted by Is It Over Yet? at 2:15 PM on July 29 [23 favorites]

Oh, I forgot the best part! You know that crushing feeling, that heavy weight you've carried around for decades, that feeling you're playing a part that even if you found the script you wouldn't be able to act out correctly? You can just stop! You can put it down!
posted by Is It Over Yet?

Yes, it is over.
posted by one for the books at 2:50 PM on July 29 [6 favorites]

for the most part! not to be a downer, but it gets replaced by the constant annoyance of patriarchal demands on your femininity.

out of the frying pan, into the fire. that said, you'll look gorgeous wearing flames.
posted by anem0ne at 2:57 PM on July 29 [16 favorites]

aw, that's awesome! deep breath and dive right in, that's the spirit.
posted by seanmpuckett at 3:17 PM on July 29 [1 favorite]

(upon re-read and a note, I wanted to clarify my comment is building upon Is It Over Yet's, but more referring to Faint of Butt--I obviously can't really comment re: the transmasculine experience but was thinking more of the transfeminine one; it's a head trip to have expectations about you shift as you transition.)
posted by anem0ne at 4:36 PM on July 29 [1 favorite]

Congratulations, FOB!
posted by spinifex23 at 4:42 PM on July 29 [1 favorite]

oh I woke up to this thread and am just seeing it now (Australia) and CONGRATULATIONS FAINT OF BUTT and I'm so verklempt by you and this whole thread.

I've been a bit bummed lately because due to the lockdown here, my HRT (which was supposed to start, uh, about now) has been postponed indefinitely - they need to have at least one in-person appointment in order to prescribe, telehealth won't cut it. I'd wanted to start on testosterone before coming out publicly but now I'm wondering if I should just say fuck it because I'm so tired of waiting.

Still dithering on that but man I love you all and this community (here, and on the slack, though I'm pretty slack as a community member myself, very erratic with participation)
posted by forza at 4:45 PM on July 29 [9 favorites]

Also Faint of Butt: I'm 42 and feeling the lost time so acutely with every day that goes by; you're a positive spring chicken to be doing this at 40!
posted by forza at 4:48 PM on July 29 [1 favorite]

I started last fall just before I turned 54. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ You know what they say, “The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”
posted by a Rrose by any other name at 5:58 PM on July 29 [27 favorites]

On coming to this later in life, at 38 for me... anyone else just get so mad at cis puritanical society for erasing us? Like cultures have acknowledged us for millenia, but like 20 years ago there was barely conception that we existed beyond an oddity or punchline? Especially referring to nonbinary here. I just fucking feel rage that all my life I felt wrong and off and guilty and it wasn’t until the last few years that I even learned the idea of nb existed. Just, so much time robbed from us and I weep for all those who never realized there wasn’t a thing wrong with them.
posted by yellowbinder at 6:00 PM on July 29 [25 favorites]

Congrats, Faint of Butt!

One of us!

One of us!

I started at 52, and it's gone swimmingly, so starting at 40 sounds amazing to me. Thanks for starting this thread out on a positive note!
posted by Tabitha Someday at 7:02 PM on July 29 [6 favorites]

welcome faint of butt!
posted by nixon's meatloaf at 7:06 PM on July 29 [1 favorite]

Hi folks, hi FoB. I'm a Non Binary person. yellowbinder, totally feel that. I'm still figuring myself out. But I also feel so euphoric and happy realizing who I am.
posted by Chrysopoeia at 8:16 PM on July 29 [12 favorites]

So, since we have this space to talk and it'd be nice to keep the positive vibe going for a bit longer (we can talk about negatives too, of course), I'm wondering what trans-related posts people thought were good/went well. I really liked the recent *eggshell cracking noises* post (which I'm just now realising was posted by Faint of Butt) about the coming out of webcomic artist Mae Dean.
posted by death valley compound at 11:18 AM on July 30 [7 favorites]

> I'm trying to make a funny and supportive comment that ends with the punchline "I touch the butt"

my name is Us,
and wen its dire,
or wen the world
is all in fire,
and down is up
and eyes are shut -
i stay up late.
i touch the butt.
posted by Preemptive Distress at 3:23 PM on July 30 [16 favorites]

It's from two years ago, but another comic that I think is wonderful.
posted by anem0ne at 3:27 PM on July 30 [9 favorites]

I cannot read that strip without tears
posted by a Rrose by any other name at 3:49 PM on July 30 [4 favorites]

Yeah it's a good cry. This thread fills my heart.

Per RN (who cortex is deferring to on this) when I asked about posts being queued: "other than pushing a little harder against friday-night policy posts, I want people to be able to post as freely as possible. "

We could, I think, keep this the positive joyful thread, and do another trans only thread for less positive stuff? Would that be ok with everyone? I would like to keep this feeling.
posted by Chrysopoeia at 4:11 PM on July 30 [6 favorites]

oh my god, the dinosaur one. i am weepy now.
posted by mittens at 4:41 PM on July 30 [1 favorite]

Thank you so much, everyone. I've favorited every comment, and while I haven't actually cried, I've come close. I want to hug each and every one of you.

And still I apologize for taking over the thread. <3
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:59 PM on July 30 [11 favorites]

Having been on this site since i was 16, it feels kind of strange to realize i was on here, pretty consistently, for an entire decade before i came out. Hell, i found mefi around the same time i figured out what the hell being trans was... which seeing as how it was The Internet Classic, was like terrible fanfiction and equally terrible websites(until i got busted looking at "weird fetish stuff" by my parents... which didn't go well). Shit, i was a girl on other messageboards at the time. Made an account a couple years later, and i've been here off and on since.

Now its been more than four years since i publicly admitted what was going on, which pretty well coincided with me mostly taking a break from this site(besides popping back in a few times in i guess, 2017 and last year)

Despite being on the younger side, for this site, of people coming out... i still kinda feel the emptiness of growing up when being a trans woman was something that was ONLY around as a joke, a punchline, and an object of ridicule. I actually knew a couple of girls when i was 17-18 and they just got tormented relentlessly, which just shoved my ass right back in the closet. Like, i genuinely think the change in environment, norms among your peer group, etc is why a lot of people come out younger now.

I don't really harbor much ill will about it though, i did my shit when it was time for me to do my shit.

Its been a really long, really hard four years. I've gone from having my own apartment, car, good job, and money saved up to like... nothing. But at least i don't feel like shit about myself, and i ended up being honestly kind of gorgeous.

One of the things i reflect on a lot is how much of a role the internet filled in me figuring my shit out. And not figuring my shit out, and going down dead ends of thinking/believing stupid shit i shouldn't have, and...

But hey, shit, i'm 30, and i had no idea i'd actually make it this far. Like i really seriously did not think that would be the case when i was say, 15? 20? 25?. This is rambly... but like, there's something sort of cool about just doing your trans shit and moving on with your life. With having a life.
posted by emptythought at 7:15 PM on July 30 [29 favorites]

Also, congrats ;)
posted by emptythought at 7:18 PM on July 30 [1 favorite]

I liked a few comments up above and wanted to say hi instead of being a creepy lurker for once. Over the last few years, I've been slowly realizing how much "NB" feels like finally telling the truth after nearly 40 years of playing pretend. It's new and delicate and scary and I'm still figuring it all out, and I so admire you who are already surefooted on your paths.

Sending you big cheers, Faint of Butt!
posted by Ann Telope at 8:38 PM on July 30 [8 favorites]

Aww, Ann Telope, you're a total n00b at being a creepy lurker. As usual, I have nothing to really add here that others haven't said better already. Add me to the list (are we metafilter cliches already?); later in life, I understood that I'd always been nonbinary and forced into a role. And since that realization, everything has changed for me.

Anyway, I am here, posting in our trans thread. I love you all so much. Thanks for everything!
posted by longtime_lurker at 6:06 AM on July 31 [6 favorites]

I always kind of wanted to make an FPP of this talk, but then again making an FPP is kinda the last thing I ever want to do, but this is what moved me from "I feel like everybody's playing a joke on me about gender" to "maybe it's just that this sense-of-identity people talk about is something I don't have access to." Between this, and a comment from a mefite on the concept of limnality, I realized it was not necessary to take a side, that the lack of ability to choose or perceive a gender inside myself was, in itself, something I could embrace rather than argue with. To this day I'm still very nervous about talking about it, and I think about it probably more than I strictly should for my own mental comfort. But reminding myself no choice is necessary is in itself a kind of self-comforting. (And yes, I'm just this inarticulate even in my own head when I think about it.)
posted by mittens at 6:56 AM on July 31 [22 favorites]

An AFAB friend of mine just came out as NB recently, first to me in private about a month ago and then online to friends and family this week.

I may have kind of flubbed it because at this point I've had so many people come out to me that I forget how terrifying it is and my response these days is basically "Cool, I see you and I love you. Let's go get lunch!".

I did send them a link to my coming out post later.

I love all of you! You're seen!
posted by loquacious at 8:06 AM on July 31 [14 favorites]

Also I went to a summery BBQ and gathering with my house and landmates last weekend in witchy femme mode and DJed for like 4 hours and it was super good. Think tropical goth, super wide, flowy black palazzo pants, summery beach style cover-up top and a witchy black sun hat. Because I might like to party but I hate the sun.

I made a friend cry with joy and go a little bonkers. She said something like "Oh my god LOOK AT YOU! That outfit is amazing! I'm so glad you feel safe enough to be yourself with all of us!"

Also someone super cute was making eyes at me all day and she's so pretty it makes my face hurt from smiling. I haven't flirted with anyone in years so that was nice. She was like the only other person there wearing mostly black, too.
posted by loquacious at 8:19 AM on July 31 [18 favorites]

Got into an argument on Facebook with an anti-masker who called me a "stupid, arrogant bitch".

On the one hand, yikes.

On the other hand, that gender affirmation tho.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 9:26 AM on July 31 [17 favorites]

Congrats FoB!

I seem to have confused Instagram's ad algorithm, it thinks I'm simultaneously pregnant, breastfeeeding, menstruating, going through the menopause, and seeking out grooming products for my enormous bushy beard. This weird mix of tells is probably the closest social media capitalism can get to representing my experience of gender (non-binary/agender/I like "gendervague" a lot and the article mittens shared really resonates); I guess not having a strongly-felt sense of gender isn't really a product that can be sold on IG.

I was driving home across the country two days ago and I felt this deep, comfortable sense of my own potency throughout the trip. That did not happen back when I was shoehorning myself into someone else's idea of what my gender ought to be.
posted by terretu at 10:39 AM on July 31 [7 favorites]

Congrats FoB!!!!
posted by trappist system at 12:10 PM on July 31 [1 favorite]

Heh, Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane, that reminds me of a time I encountered someone on a train (o Amtrak observation car, you certainly are a thing), and he bluntly asked if I was a butch. Honestly, I aspire to be hard femme and was so touched that anyone, anywhere thought I could be butch, I wasn't even offended. Like...sir, you may not mean to, but you have just made my day. Slightly awkward, but I'll take these affirmations where I can get 'em.

Loq I am SO HAPPY for you! That is beyond fabulous that you have found a place to be yourself and people who care about you <3

dang, this thread is good for my soul. I have reasonable support and safe space in my real life, but the energy here is amazing.
posted by kalimac at 3:18 PM on July 31 [6 favorites]

lol one time a few years ago when I was growing my hair out from a buzz a jerk aggressively called me "he" which was funny as I was wearing a dress at the time and at first I was like "how did he know I was feeling really male today? Very nice of him to gender me correctly!" and then I realized even though I'm AFAB and was wearing a dress with my jawline and general features and my pathological rejection of makeup and shaving he probably thought I was AMAB and was being transphobic and I was still like... ok I'm gonna choose to take that as a compliment! so +1 to the affirmations where you can get them!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 6:37 PM on July 31 [10 favorites]

I wasn’t intending to say this here and now either, but I have also come out as a woman recently. I’ve been living as one for the past 6 months, I’ve talked to my family, my friends are of course all wonderful, I have the support of my psychologist, I’m not on HRT yet but I’m on the path, another appointment on Tuesday.

My name is Audrey.
posted by Acid Communist at 5:00 AM on August 1 [53 favorites]

AC, I have loved so many of your comments, so this news makes me extra-happy!
posted by mittens at 5:16 AM on August 1 [3 favorites]

/me waves at everyone, throws a hand up at FOB
posted by noiseanoise at 6:23 AM on August 1 [1 favorite]

Mazel tov, Audrey! Big hugs!
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:18 AM on August 1 [1 favorite]

On the topic of accidental compliments from jerks, I have to say that having the anti-gay slur that people shout at me from cars flip from the female version to the male version was weirdly validating.
posted by blnkfrnk at 11:02 AM on August 1 [12 favorites]

Audrey, I'm so happy for you. Best of luck with HRT!

(Group hugs for anyone that wants them, cheerful waves and high-fives for others!)
posted by kalimac at 11:50 AM on August 1 [2 favorites]

Hi all. I've been struggling for a long time (as evident in a few places including here), but in the past year I've come to understand that I'm enby. Still working through exactly what that means for me and how to bring my life into better alignment with the person I am in my head. Still scary to contemplate, my heart is racing even typing this, so much about who I am is still weird and messy and confusing, but also hopeful to think I can get better -- I am getting better -- at being me.

I'm so glad you're all here. Thanks for being so open and generous with your experiences, it really is hugely helpful and encouraging for those of us still finding our way out of the weeds. I'll go back to lurking bc I'm not entirely sure I belong in this conversation and have zero to contribute even if I do, but anyway hi and I'm happy to see all of you and many hugs to everyone that wants/needs hugs and thanks for your patience as I continue trying to figure my shit out.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 11:50 AM on August 1 [21 favorites]

Yay Audrey!
posted by capricorn at 1:01 PM on August 1 [2 favorites]

I'm not entirely sure I belong in this conversation

You belong. ♥️
posted by death valley compound at 1:03 PM on August 1 [9 favorites]

I had a job interview yesterday, and one of the people interviewing actually asked for my pronouns, so that they could get it right in the paperwork!

I found that gesture to be especially meaningful, because, despite my legal name being 'Dwayne' and my legal gender being 'Male', I have a pretty NB appearance. The COVID hair hasn't helped. (I now basically look like a merge of Michael J Fox and Joe Pesci, with a bit of Number Five dashed in for good measure.)

I also got the job <3
posted by spinifex23 at 1:45 PM on August 1 [29 favorites]

Late to this thread, but yay to all the folks coming out, and yay to more people coming out in their mid-30s and beyond! Glad to see I'm not the only person in that age group who's transitioning!
posted by SansPoint at 1:58 PM on August 1 [6 favorites]

I'm glad for this post. I left MeFi a long time ago because I felt unwelcome here. I hope this is a sign of better things to come
posted by the tulips are too red in the first place at 9:05 PM on August 1 [8 favorites]

I'm just really tired and I don't know why I've even bothered with this place for so long. This has been a really strange space for me. I've made some genuinely wonderful friends here and had a lot of fun, but it will also be a place in which I am not ever going to be welcome and I don't know what I'm even doing here anymore.
posted by Lonnrot at 11:42 AM on August 2 [1 favorite]

Is the Trans Filter Slack or whatever still a thing? I never got a response to my form.
posted by Chrysopoeia at 10:06 PM on August 3

Aw yay, looks like I missed the party with this post but glad to see that it happened!! I started hormones a year and a half ago and that has been such a source of joy despite everything.
posted by switcheroo at 12:09 PM on August 4 [3 favorites]

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