A Modest Proposal January 14, 2022 3:04 PM   Subscribe

for preventing the Bankruptcy of Metafilter from becoming a burthen to its Users and Moderators, and for making Spicy Comments beneficial to the Internet Publick. We should sell NFTs.

Hear me out: Metafilter is the ideal platform for selling NFTs.

Metafilter isn't free—its servers require electricity, and its moderators require beans.

We have content—to wit, comments. We have a database. We have a need for cash.

Idiots on the Internet have that cash. They want to trade it for meaningless numbers in a database.

So: let's give the people what they want.

Of course, we would pursue this in an ecologically responsible manner. Public blockchains are horrendously inefficient; this is well-known. They also have essentially no track record. Metafilter, on the other hand, has been running for 22 years and counting, which is more than 154 dog years. Compared to Ethereum, MeFi is basically the Bank of England. Staid, reliable; better, even, in the sense that we have never once raised funds for a war against France. Everything you'd want in a counterparty for your digital tchotchke transactions.

How would it work? Easy. Anyone would be able to "buy" (conveying absolutely no real-world ownership, license, or title whatsoever) a comment on the "MeFi NFT Marketplace" (or MNM, which leads handily to the plural name for these products, in which I can foresee no trademark problems at all). Metafilter will act as the exclusive digital clearinghouse for trading MNMs, the ownership of which will be recorded into an append-only database table. They will be denominated in "US Federal Reserve" tokens (USFRT), a widely-used, next-generation hybrid digital/physical currency available at exchanges worldwide. (If you do not have any USFRTs, consider trading some goods or services with someone who does.)

How does Metafilter make money? I'm glad you asked. Running a transaction network at this scale is, of course, not free. The MNM Marketplace will charge "gas fees" on each transaction, which will be used to buy beans for the moderators. There will also be an "Account Opening Fee" of 5 USFRTs, same as in town.

How do we ensure immutability of the ledger? Naturally, ensuring that the MNM General Ledger Property Table (MNM-GLPT) is crucial to maintaining trust in the marketplace. Once a month, the hash of all transactions in the table will be disseminated via a worldwide content-distribution network for inspection by the public. Also, pending a return to post-COVID normalcy, there will be an annual ceremony where we will get one of the moderators and/or users stinking drunk on tequila and they will have the 4 least-significant bytes of the most recent hash value tattooed on their buttocks (binary or Base64 at their option). This retains both the community ownership and ecologically responsible aspects of the MNM trust architecture.

With the implementation of this proposal, I believe Metafilter will be financially sustainable until the expansion of the sun swallows the Earth, or until we run out of tattoo-able buttock real estate, whichever comes first.
posted by Kadin2048 to MetaFilter-Related at 3:04 PM (44 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

For the sake of anyone interpreting this as an actual suggestion/request: no. Obviously no. Shredding-your-brain-with-a-potato-peeler no.

But I appreciate the post as a creative work.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:06 PM on January 14 [31 favorites]


D:
posted by bleep at 3:35 PM on January 14 [2 favorites]


Technically, MetaFilter already has a blockchain, although I believe blocks are no longer being added....
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:48 PM on January 14 [16 favorites]


So you're suggesting we trou down with the big doges?
posted by Cold Lurkey at 3:58 PM on January 14 [2 favorites]


Technically, MetaFilter already has a blockchain, although I believe blocks are no longer being added

I will add any Mefite at any time, just feel free to MeMail me.

The blockchain has NFTs on it as well, though eBay wouldn't let me call them NFTs because you can only list real scams as NFTs, not fake scams.
posted by bondcliff at 4:18 PM on January 14 [24 favorites]


I feel like this might conflict with my pre-existing NIL contracts.
this comment brought to you by Pepsi Blue
posted by LionIndex at 4:28 PM on January 14 [2 favorites]


Wait, NFT doesn't stand for kNitted Favorites Tracker?
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:44 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]


Shredding-your-brain-with-a-potato-peeler no.


don't threaten me with ag̸͚̖͎̫̪̝̱̦̈́̈͑̏̀̈́̀̂́̓̃́͠ͅô̴̢̬̝̙̜̘͖̳̳̠̝̠̣͍̐͂̎̄̓͋ỏ̶͉̻̈́͂̋̓̐̎̈́̅̐͐̍́̍͘d̴̢̦̪̻̠̬̤̳͚͉͙̱͛͗͗̉͋̀̋̿͊̕͜͠ͅ ̵̨̛̣̟̼͐͌͂͆̓t̷̡̡̨͍̘̹̘͍̩̝̫͚̮̹́͌̚i̶̧̧̳͇̯͖̮̦̠͙̤̱͇͛͐͂̿̃̈́m̶̢̢͔̺͇͎̘̙̜̳̃̌̍̑̄́̓̈̇͜ͅe̸͍̾̆̋̏̽
posted by lalochezia at 5:16 PM on January 14 [13 favorites]


For those wishing to buy in with Bitcoin, I offer my expert services.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 5:29 PM on January 14


We're gonna need a bigger butt.
posted by vers at 6:53 PM on January 14 [10 favorites]

we have never once raised funds for a war against France
Don’t rule it out though, the crapauds need watching
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 7:24 PM on January 14 [5 favorites]


I was all NFTs are stoopid and all things bitcoin-adjacent are an environmental crime until I got to annual ceremony where we will get one of the moderators and/or users stinking drunk on tequila and they will have the 4 least-significant bytes of the most recent hash value tattooed on their buttocks and now I heartily endorse the brilliant plan.
posted by theora55 at 7:25 PM on January 14 [5 favorites]


Now this. This. This is the kind of shitposting that brings us back to our vainglorious roots. This is the kind of thing I want hooked directly to the IV.

Everything you'd want in a counterparty for your digital tchotchke transactions.

I sure hope you've already got the trademark registered. In Web 3.0, DTTs will be the NFTs of DAOs.
posted by Mayor West at 7:48 PM on January 14 [7 favorites]


Any time we can get a bit of Zalgo text is a good time.

H̶͔̤̯͎̒͗̓͌͒͐͜e̵̞̞̻͋̈ ̶̦̫͚̥̈́̕w̸̨̧̬̭̓̿͝a̶͕̽̈́͝s̷͔̟̪͎̊̎̀̃͒̋ ̶̠͇͇̖͗̉̊͑̊ơ̶̰͚̜̳̰̩̋̇̑̂n̵̠̭̬̜̯͐ ̴̥̞͔̀͑́͝͠ͅh̶̨̧̥͙̱͛͊̔̎̄͊ǐ̵̡͔̝͍̗͍͂̍̑s̵̡̖̈́̆͂͆̈͘ ̸̱̞̌͊̀̀͆͠ẅ̷̖̟̠̩́͊̃͘͝͝a̷͖̩̬̫͖͌y̷̩̣̞̹̖͉̒̒́͒̃͠,̸̢̟̼̋̅ ̸̢̧̻͔̙̅͆̒̽͝b̵̢̤̮̹͚̭̅͗̕̕͠ų̵̜͉̰͐͆͂̃̕t̶̯̙̆̌̀͐ ̵̧̧̝̮́͑͐́ġ̷̝o̶̳̳̓̒͆̈t̶̘̱̜͊̕͠ ̵̢̠́̂͘͘ḣ̵̼͒ͅẻ̶̞̞̠̥̋͊̏l̷̺̓̂d̷̝̟͇̺͛͋͋͆̋͠ ̴̦͐͒̽̚u̷̢̧̻̪̽͜p̴̜̋̋̎͗͘͝.̷̺̣̩̽̉́ ̴̪͒Ȟ̶̝̫̞̯͉̀̂͜ē̷̯̅̐̀ ̸̡̉̿̋̾̄̈́ś̵̬̻̀̄ǎ̶̜̼͖̀̽̅͘y̷̧͔̪͒͜s̸̗͍̠͎͍̘̈́͑́́̌͊ ̵̡̼͓̬̠̬̔̒͝h̴̦̹̝͈̎̏̄͌ĕ̷̦̰̭̹͙͍̋̑͝'̴̡̬͇̲̱̄̆̄́͐l̵̙̈́l̵̘̲̅̊͒̎ ̷̧̨̧̮̟̭̋͐̎b̸̙̭̞̏̃̐̋̀͐ȩ̴̞͎͎͗̉͐̕͠ ̴̤͘͠h̶̢̰̱̭̀͠e̴͙͒́̽r̴͇̽̅͆́̋̕e̷̘͓̘̖̙̗̾̀ ̸̧̞͚͕͉̆̏s̸̻͔͎̘̅̚͝h̷̨͚̹̳̀̃̈́̆̊͝ȏ̴̤̄͌̽ŕ̴̦t̶̡̹̔̉͐͐̀͘l̶̹͇̔y̸͔̾̀.̷̺̟͈̬͉̉͠
posted by Ghidorah at 7:51 PM on January 14 [2 favorites]


C̸̢̨̢̢̢̹̯͙͎͙͈͕͓̤͔̻̪͈̞̮͇̠̻̘̞̖̩̠̻̣͊̏̎̀̈́̈́̓̏̔̏̕͜͠A̶̳̽̀̎̋̈́̒͒͊̈́̾̑̀͐͒̽̀̌̋̑̓͌̑͐̒̋̀̾͛͛̋̊̿̈́̓͐͒́͑̎͊̽̓͌̽̈́̿̿̂͠͠P̶̨̢̡̛̣̖̩̗̗̥̼͚͕̭̰͍͙̻͍̜̪͍̹̮̱͍̝̝̬͈͚̠͇̺̋͋̎́̎̈́̿́̇̀̑̎̄͂̊̈́̑̉͑̎̂̀̾̐̒̈̏̽̑͝ͅͅĮ̶̧̨̡̡̛̘͎̲̯̘̝̯̖̻͕̯͇̼͖̜̹̭͔̩̤̘̗̲̦̰̹̙̜̬̖͕͉̤̒̂̀̂̇̆̌̔͆̇̃̃̃̋̽̅̂̆͐̇͊̕̕͝͝Ţ̴̡̨̡̢̢̛͖̪̞̜̰͈͚̟͔̲̠͍̗̻̲̩̫̼͓̘̰͕̤͎͚͇̪͓̩͇̮͚̤͎̾̀̔͊͂̓́̋̀̌̈́̐̈͑͌̋́̄̽̀͂̀́͑̾͛̀̈́̾̚̚̕̕ͅͅͅͅA̵̡̨̨̡̢̧̱̬̤̖͙̘̝̘̹̤̲̩̝̣̪͔̺̯͈̘̱̟̜͙̞͍̜̬͉͎̮̲͎͇͎͑̀́͑͂̊͋̀́͆̑̽̑͊͑͋͋̕̚͜͠ͅĻ̶̡̡̺̳͚͚̣̥̭͉̦̗̠̝̖̣̬̮̯̲̮͔̝͕͓̺̜̤̘̄͗̃̽͛̚͜͝͠
posted by clavdivs at 9:37 PM on January 14 [4 favorites]


> The MNM Marketplace will charge "gas fees" on each transaction, which will be used to buy beans for the moderators.

And the beans for the moderators could provide more gas for the fees!
posted by Pronoiac at 11:36 PM on January 14 [2 favorites]


No.
posted by prismatic7 at 12:20 AM on January 15


Blockchain is like an updated version of Tetris, right?
posted by Pyrogenesis at 2:00 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]


No, Fuck That!
posted by lawrencium at 2:35 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]


Hmm. However, the comment about "if you're not paying for it, you're not the cursomer, you're the product being sold" would probably sell for a bit on the open market...
posted by rebent at 4:57 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]


The post-tattoo buttcoin sale can be the gift that keeps on giving
posted by cynical pinnacle at 5:52 AM on January 15


We're gonna need a bigger butt.

(walks into thread) You rang?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:02 AM on January 15 [15 favorites]


::slow clap.gif::

Well done.
posted by briank at 7:32 AM on January 15


we have never once raised funds for a war against France

Well...
posted by clavdivs at 8:57 AM on January 15


I, for one, welcome our new buttock-tattooed overlords!
posted by Vatnesine at 9:02 AM on January 15


This will not happen, but if it did I would send a request to remove all of my contributions to the site because I do not want to be defamed by association.
posted by jjray at 9:29 AM on January 15


I get all the hate on crypto and NFTs. A lot of the people trying to push it are ... Muskian at best. And instead of anything useful that NFTs might offer it is drowned out by the e-beanie babies reality at the moment.

But as someone that hated dealing with transactions in RDBMS ... I like the flattened nature built into crypto's blocks and mining. It is very appealing.

It is easy to comprehend a giant chain of taped together CVS receipts validated by multiple sources. I don't need inner and outer joins. I don't need triggers, and interfaces, and any of that.

So I'm sorry that I'm so pushy about it in the comment sections.
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 10:18 AM on January 15


Looking forward to helicoptering into my piece of MetaIsland!
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 1:34 PM on January 15


rebent: "Hmm. However, the comment about "if you're not paying for it, you're not the cursomer, you're the product being sold" would probably sell for a bit on the open market..."

The cursomer variant is extremely rare, it would be a VERY expensive NFT.
posted by chavenet at 3:14 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]


Tell me more about the tequila.
posted by mule98J at 3:55 PM on January 15


^^^
Sounds like we have our first volunteer!
posted by cynical pinnacle at 5:34 AM on January 16


Sorry, not the first - EmpressCallipygos was the first tattoo volunteer.

So now we have at least 2 years' worth of tattoo-able buttock real estate already lined up!
posted by cynical pinnacle at 5:39 AM on January 16


So you would buy some amount of CortexCoins to get a metafilter membership, and the cost of the ante, the stakes, the price of the CortexCoins would cost for a membership would be dependent on the cost of running metafilter and the popularity of the site.

And that coin would generate interest payments in the form of tokens that you would have to burn one of them to comment.

The interest rate could modulated by Cortex et al as a way of controlling how much moderating they wanted to get paid to do.

When you wanted to flame-out / leave the site well if the site is doing well awesome you might make a profit selling the CortexCoins.

Of course ... then why would you want to sell ?
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 4:36 PM on January 16


HODL
posted by cynical pinnacle at 3:52 AM on January 17


CryptoNo.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 11:11 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]


Sorry, not the first - EmpressCallipygos was the first tattoo volunteer.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

I was only answering the call for a butt. No one told me you needed it for a TATTOO.

I am gonna pull a Lizzo and walk my fine ass out the door, sorry.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:17 AM on January 18 [4 favorites]


Although I will poke my head back in very briefly to state that for some reason, my browser keeps on prompting me to let it automatically "translate this page to English" because it thinks this is all written in Vietnamese for some reason.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:40 AM on January 18 [2 favorites]


Our tween has started referring to pooping as "Making NFTs: non-flushable turds."
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:18 PM on January 18 [4 favorites]


Our tween has started referring to pooping as "Making NFTs: non-flushable turds."

May I introduce you to the decentralized autonomous PooStick service?
posted by clawsoon at 12:21 PM on January 18


Are Johnny Wallflower and/or Wordshore in this thread? If not, can the poo-talk. This is not Poo-ly!
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:50 PM on January 18


okay blockchain is coming out
posted by clawsoon at 1:03 PM on January 18


If You Rewrote This Proposal With Every Word Capitalized We Could Achieve Great Success
posted by mochapickle at 3:09 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]


we have never once raised funds for a war against France
Implying that we may have raised funds for a war against France more than once?
posted by dg at 2:44 PM on January 19 [3 favorites]


Technically, MetaFilter already has a blockchain, although I believe blocks are no longer being added....

Even better; if there's a limit on the actual number of blocks, they will only increase in value. And we can sell people pictures of a block that they own. That is, they would own the picture of the block, not the block itself.

Every year, we can hold a ceremony in which cortex (or other designated vic...er, honoree) is wrapped in the physical chain. Then we can sell a picture of that moment as another NFT.
posted by nubs at 4:05 PM on January 19 [1 favorite]


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