Metatalktail Hour: Step up to the plate November 12, 2022 3:20 AM   Subscribe

Happy Saturday, friends! It's that time of the week again when I ask you to look deep inside yourselves and share what you find. Today you are a delicious canapé. What are you and how do I make you?

Perhaps you identify as an hors d'oeuvre, a meze, a zensai, a pupu, an antipasto, a tapa, a moqabbelat, a chaat, a pembuka, a smørrebrød or even an amuse-bouche. The important thing is that you are delicious, and willing to share your secrets.

So what makes you tick? Why are you so good?

Or, just talk about what's up in your life, what's on your mind, but just no P-word, please!
posted by taz (staff) to MetaFilter-Related at 3:20 AM (70 comments total)

I'm a fried egg and peanut butter sandwich, probably with a pickle or two on there.
posted by Literaryhero at 4:16 AM on November 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'm a canned sardine lazily placed on whatever cracker was sitting around. Technically gets the job done but not big on presentation.
posted by Tehhund at 4:29 AM on November 12, 2022 [6 favorites]

Brave opinion: canned sardines are better than they oughta be.

I sometimes have sardines, black olives and feta cheese with melba toast (and tomato in the summer) for lunch, and that's pretty nice, actually.
posted by taz (staff) at 5:12 AM on November 12, 2022 [5 favorites]

I usually rub my sardines back to front, that's normal right?
posted by Meatbomb at 6:06 AM on November 12, 2022 [3 favorites]

Cheese; it has to be a cheese canapé. There are many cheese options. But I'd probably go for small triangles of a sharp cheddar with a dab of apple (Discovery) chutney on top.
posted by Wordshore at 6:13 AM on November 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

I am Manchego on a crisp cracker topped with fig jam.
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:19 AM on November 12, 2022 [4 favorites]

When I was about 10, they dressed me in a toga and gave me a small part in GB Shaw's Androcles and The Lion [1912]. My first line was:
Christians, by Jove, let's chaff them
which kind of set my compass as The Patriarchy . . . with a squeaky voice. Laterin Act I, the talk turn canapés:
This (pointing to the Christians) is the lion’s dinner [. . .]
Come along, the rest of the dinner. I shall be the olives and anchovies.
ANOTHER CHRISTIAN. I shall be the soup.
ANOTHER. I shall be the fish.
ANOTHER. Ferrovius shall be the roast boar.
I see the joke. Yes, yes: I shall be the roast boar. Ha! ha!
I shall be the mince pie.
Silence! Have some sense of your situation. Is this the way for martyrs to behave? (To Spintho, who is quaking and loitering) I know what you’ll be at that dinner. You’ll be the emetic.
posted by BobTheScientist at 6:42 AM on November 12, 2022 [5 favorites]

I am a Triscut with port wine cheese spread and, if I'm feeling extra fancy, a slice of pepperoni on top.

But if I'm feeling less aspirational, I'm a Cheezit.
posted by kinsey at 6:43 AM on November 12, 2022 [8 favorites]

I'm the loose dry-roasted peanut you find under your couch when you finally get around to vacuuming.
posted by Twicketface at 7:28 AM on November 12, 2022 [3 favorites]

I’m a freezer-burned totino with a tiiiiny scoop of caviar.
posted by mochapickle at 7:42 AM on November 12, 2022 [4 favorites]

I am rice cakes with hummus and arugula because dairy is mean to me.

I would happily eat just hors' d'oeuvre but I'll need a salad at some point:
Bacon-wrapped scallops.
Marinated cold sliced steak wrapped in a snow pea pod.
Pigs in a blanket.
Deviled eggs.
Prosciutto-wrapped cantaloupe.
Cocktail shrimp & sauce.
Fritters of any kind.
Buffalo cauliflower.

Cheesy things I really miss:
Cheese straws.
Good potato chips and horseradish/ bacon dip.
Hot artichoke dip with crusty bread.
Jalapeno poppers.
posted by theora55 at 8:48 AM on November 12, 2022 [5 favorites]

I saw a recipe for scalloped root vegetables, with beets, sweet and white potatoes, and onions. It was so pretty. I can make scalloped potatoes with chick pea flour batter, so I plan to make this soon.
posted by theora55 at 8:50 AM on November 12, 2022

I am a fancy grilled cheese sandwich: crusty on the outside (and nubby and whole grain like some dirty hippy) but molten and gooey on the inside, I might burn you but you won't mind, because your mouth will be filled with cheese.
posted by supermedusa at 9:43 AM on November 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

Fruit that's clinging by a thread to its sell-by date.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:25 AM on November 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

I identify as a $1 grilled cheese.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:16 AM on November 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

Pig in a blanket! Cold front coming through tonight, gotta wrap up in that cozy pastry.
posted by the primroses were over at 11:55 AM on November 12, 2022 [4 favorites]

I am chopped liver.

No, seriously, homemade chopped liver on thinly sliced caraway rye with some brown mustard and half sour pickles on the side.
posted by Mizu at 12:15 PM on November 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'm a BLT, but in the form of basil ice cream, tomato foam, and candied bacon on a toasted piece of baguette.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:34 PM on November 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

An appetizer I like is brussels sprouts probably made something like this or this. I don't know if it fits my character--probably not--but I'm really stretching here because I don't eat a lot of appetizers.

The fun thing to me is just seeing the topic, because a parlor game where everyone makes comparisons between themselves and some animal, plant, or object was played for centuries under many names: Transformations and the related game Comparisons in 1572, Ieu de la Metamorphose in 1643, Les Métamorphoses in 1788, The Metamorphosis in 1853, and Compliments in 1854.
posted by Wobbuffet at 12:34 PM on November 12, 2022 [3 favorites]

Brave opinion: canned sardines are better than they oughta be.

I sometimes have sardines, black olives and feta cheese with melba toast (and tomato in the summer) for lunch, and that's pretty nice, actually.

The sardines in olive oil at Costco and Trader Joe's are the best ones. My lunch is often a tin of sardines, mustard, and crudités. Maybe some pickles or olives. Crackers. It's cheap, healthful, satisfying, and doesn't generate a bunch of dirty dishes.

But if we are talking about tinned fish for canapés, then it would have to be anchovies rolled up in piquillo peppers, with a squeeze of lemon juice.

Anyway last night two funny-looking, awkward, and very young kids banged on the door and offered to rake my leaves for five bucks. Of course I said yes, expecting it to be nothing more than a donation toward encouraging industriousness in the neighborhood youts. But holy shit, they did an amazing job! I actually didn't have more than five bucks on me so told them to come back today for a tip.
posted by HotToddy at 12:39 PM on November 12, 2022 [4 favorites]

In our family, we pronounce “crudites” to rhyme with “Luddites.”
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:45 PM on November 12, 2022 [9 favorites]

I am a slice of Drunken Goat cheese on a Savoritz whole wheat cracker.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 1:14 PM on November 12, 2022 [3 favorites]

In our family, we pronounce “crudites” to rhyme with “Luddites.”

Us too, and we also pronounce hors d'oeuvres as “horse doovers” because I tried to read it out loud like that when I was seven, and my entire family just never let it go.
posted by Mizu at 1:32 PM on November 12, 2022 [7 favorites]

I would be the container of pre-wrapped bacon dates that I keep in the freezer for lazy dinner emergencies. (We only ever want 2 or 3 such dates at a time, so I just put all the dates and get them set up at once, freeze on a sheet pan and transfer to a tall take out soup container.)
posted by bilabial at 1:38 PM on November 12, 2022 [5 favorites]

I'm a traditional Dutch borrelhapje: a cube of cheese*, topped with a piece of preserved ginger (the sugary kind that's used for baking) being held in place with a tiny Dutch flag. That means I'm salty, creamy, sweet and spicy all at the same time. I'm simple, yet delicious.

*Edam or Gouda, probably
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:10 PM on November 12, 2022 [5 favorites]

posted by Too-Ticky at 2:20 PM on November 12, 2022 [3 favorites]

In my heart, I'm Oysters Bienville (first recipe here), but in terms of actual effort to achieve self-realization, I'm this simple spinach dip (which is nevertheless delicious and there's NEVER any left over wtf with that rating???). So, complicated on the inside but deceptively easy on the outside.
posted by taz (staff) at 2:37 PM on November 12, 2022 [1 favorite]

Spray cheese on a Ritz cracker. Don't hate.
posted by Splunge at 3:10 PM on November 12, 2022 [7 favorites]

At Aldi they sell these little packaged logs of creamy goat cheese coated with a sweet, tangy blueberry sludge. I am this, eaten directly from the plastic packaging with a spoon.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:18 PM on November 12, 2022 [4 favorites]

I’m one of those cheeses that doesn’t taste like much until it comes to room temperature, and then once it does, isn’t to everybody’s liking, but complements some other foods quite nicely. A full plate of me is probably too much.

This was a good week: a paper accepted and a Christmas bonus. Since I work for the state (and have done for ten years, three of which have seen furlough), the novelty of the latter might never wear off.
posted by eirias at 4:32 PM on November 12, 2022 [3 favorites]

I'm crackers and cheese - sharpish cheddar on either a Trader Joe's Golden Round (superior to the Ritz, which is weirdly salty despite actually having less sodium than the Joe's) or a pepper water cracker (ideally from the Trader Joe's assortment, but more likely a Carr's, even though they're not quite as good, just because then you don't have to eat all the OTHER types in the assortment).

Nothing fancy, solid and everyday and satisfying but won't ruin your dinner.

On special occasions, I'm the bruschetta they used to make at Tre Fratelli, with the really good garlicky tomato basil on the excellent Italian bread.
posted by kristi at 4:55 PM on November 12, 2022 [1 favorite]

Manzanachos-Thinly slice an apple and arrarve it on a microwaveable dish. Sprinkle lightly with cinnamon, put a cheese slice on each applenslice, Dubliner, Manchego, White Goat Gouda, or any cheese you like which melts well. Microwave for 120 seconds. Delicious with crackers, or alone.
posted by Oyéah at 6:00 PM on November 12, 2022 [1 favorite]

How to Make Smørrebrød, Denmark’s Contribution to the World’s Great Sandwiches.
posted by clavdivs at 6:31 PM on November 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

Today you are a delicious canapé

This is typecasting.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 6:44 PM on November 12, 2022 [1 favorite]

How about a delicious can o' peas?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:25 PM on November 12, 2022 [1 favorite]

Hawkins Cheezie. Less popular than, more crunchy, and saltier to a surprising degree than other, better known, extruded cheese flavoured products.
posted by rodlymight at 7:35 PM on November 12, 2022 [1 favorite]

I love a simple block of cream cheese with Trader Joe’s Hot & Sweet Pepper Jelly poured over top – it’s what I aspire to be. Sadly, I’m usually just the block of cream cheese because the Pepper Jelly is a seasonal product. Today I stopped in TJ’s and they had the Pepper Jelly back in stock, so I bought a stash – maybe now I can be hot & sweet year-round.
posted by kbar1 at 12:01 AM on November 13, 2022 [3 favorites]

Could I be quince paste, please. A simple wafer cracker and camembert. (Or is is brie? Whichever the milder one is.)

Spent the afternoon doing some tin kettling (aka pranking) the house of some good friends who got married yesterday. My big contribution was to put googly eyes on all the condiments in their fridge.
posted by freethefeet at 2:13 AM on November 13, 2022 [4 favorites]

I am not, but I like to make and to eat, devilled eggs with bacon. I think I got the recipe from MF in 2019, from an FPP I think? but can't find it, possibly deleted. There's a Guardian perfect here, but with no bacon. Though I think the blending and piping bit is rather extreme and loses the texture. A good mash with a fork is quite enough.
posted by paduasoy at 3:44 AM on November 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

Is it this one, paduasoy?
posted by taz (staff) at 4:14 AM on November 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

I don't have the energy to do anything but do the "what's new with you" bit.

I had Friday off, and took Monday and Tuesday off - and will be spending it in an absolute orgy of domesticity, because there've been a couple days I'll need to be on-hand to let people in (super came by on Friday to investigate a patch of loose plaster in the ceiling, he's coming again on Tuesday to fix it; the exterminator is coming any minute now to see if he can address the critters we've been hearing inside the walls).

This all gives me an excuse to do some deep dives into cleaning, sorting, and organizing (just in time for Christmas!) in a way that also lets me purge some shit and do some small decor-type touches (hang a picture or two, come up with cute decor-type displays for bookshelves, that kind of stuff). I finally got a board to put up as a bridge shelf between the two tall bookcases I have in lieu of nightstands - I got a long enough board that I simply had to rest it across the shelves, so no tools needed - and will be having fun today deciding on what to put up there.

I can also get into some cooking, and just found a couple ideas for using up the absolutely mammoth Napa cabbage I got in the last CSA box. I'm still trying to sort through the backlog of CSA veg, and also just got a Rancho Gordo shipment; so my weekly grocery list will just be filling a few holes. Seriously, this week's grocery list is just going to be a chicken, a pound of sausage, half pound of bacon and a quarter pound of mushrooms. Plus a half pound of really good European butter; I'm also trying to use up a backlog of apples, and found an idea for a pound cake with cinnamon and apple. (I already turned half the apples into apple butter - and that reminds me, I need to eat breakfast and that would be lovely in some oatmeal.)

My roommate has his bowling league so he will be well clear of everything until he gets home and sees I've made a Korean chicken soup. He's big into Korean food and may indulge with me. (I'm happy to share food - I tend to cook in generous-portion sizes and have trouble eating everything up before it goes bad. Plus, this is one HELL of a huge Napa cabbage I've been trying to deal with.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:02 AM on November 13, 2022 [2 favorites]

Oh - and if you know someone who's into baking, I can't recommend the new cookbook Gateau strongly enough. It's all French cakes - but the cakes people make at home, which tend to be way simpler than any of the patisserie stuff. The author also takes the approach of "take one basic recipe and then list a gabillion variations" in a couple places - including with the basic pound cake, where she offers fifty-two variations; adding fruit, changing up spices, glazing things with jam, drizzling on different liqueurs. The "cinnamon and apple" variation is why I'm getting the good butter today.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:13 AM on November 13, 2022 [3 favorites]

EC, that book looks beyond delightful and you've solved my annual problem of me never knowing what to ask for for Christmas and stressing out about it. THANK YOU!
posted by mochapickle at 7:30 AM on November 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

EC, in case it turns into a giant cabbage emergency even after the soup, here's a cabbage and noodles recipe that a) uses a lot of cabbage, b) is quick and easy when you're not into expending a lot of effort on supper, c) comforting on a chilly night -- tastes like someone's gramma made it for you.
posted by taz (staff) at 8:51 AM on November 13, 2022 [2 favorites]

Taz: it looks like that recipe is for the big green saurkraut cabbage kind of cabbage, which is on the shortlist of "veg I can't eat"; not sure how it would work with the Napa cabbage. But fortunately I have a plan for any cabbage left over (there's a stir-fry I found that will be tomorrow's dinner, and anything above and beyond that, I'm just going to freeze for DIY ramen over the winter months).

And I am still saving that for "maybe kale would work in there instead?"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:28 AM on November 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

Yes, taz, I think it is - thanks!
posted by paduasoy at 9:51 AM on November 13, 2022

Back when I was doing catering I created a lot of canape menus, finger foods, etc. And I still love little snacky bites of all kinds, including making miniature versions of things -- tiny grilled cheese sandwich with those little square cocktail breads in the deli section, for instance. But my favorite guilty secret is lil smokies wrapped in bargain cheese slices and cheap crescent pastry, baked golden, and eat way too many over the course of the next day or so.
Funnest name goes to bacon-wrapped dates, baked/broiled, which are called Devils on Horseback, because they originally had cayenne pepper in them. They are the counterpoint to Angels on Horseback, which are bacon-wrapped oysters, baked/broiled.

I just know I'm gonna cave the next time I go past the butter cream cheese refrigerator case at the market, grab a couple rolls of cheap crescent rolls, sliced cheese, and double back to the deli and get the package of lil' smokies.
posted by winesong at 12:06 PM on November 13, 2022 [3 favorites]

I feel like I would be a very time consuming, high maintenance canape. Something that takes so long to make and is super fiddly and the entire time you're like, "Why the fuck am I doing this?" but you keep making it anyway. Some days, when it's done, you're like, "That was totally worth it." Other days, not so much. Crunchy outside, soft on the inside. Definitely an acquired taste - the kind of thing that if someone likes it, they really like it, but lots of people would just be like, "No thanks, not my thing, I'll pass."

I have no idea what hors d'oeuvres this would actually describe. But whatever this describes, that would be me in appetizer form.
posted by litera scripta manet at 12:40 PM on November 13, 2022 [2 favorites]

Brave opinion: canned sardines are better than they oughta be.
Canned sardines are delicious spread on buttered fresh white bread. It appears that not everyone in the family agrees, but that just means more for me :-)

I do prefer the sardines in tomato sauce though, where most people seem to prefer them in oil.
posted by dg at 2:20 PM on November 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

I am bits and bobs and scraps: the outcasts, the remains. I live with a crockpot as my sidekick. Together we are joined by immersion blender and achieve the nirvana of soup base; ready to accept all things; created again, as one. We are the One that sustains, that feeds the needy, the hungry, the cold.
posted by mightshould at 3:25 PM on November 13, 2022 [2 favorites]

Today I am a round slice of well roasted butternut squash, with caramelized brown bits and dripping butter, sitting on one of those large round crackers that you think are normal but then realize taste almost like a Graham cracker. The squash round is gently melting its topping of good Stilton, the type that will give you intensely vivid dreams if you eat too much right before bedtime. Thinly sliced grapes fan out across the cheese like a jaunty hat, adding an element of tart sweetness.

Other days I am cold leftover egg rolls, eaten in front of the fridge in contemplative annoyance with the lack of other options.
posted by ananci at 5:17 PM on November 13, 2022 [4 favorites]

I made dark rye bread today, boy it was a fits and starts sort of thing. After I was waiting for it to rise, I realized the yeast was dead. I had to go buy some then reinvigorate the loaf. Then I watched a baking video which detailed why my bread was going to turn out like it did. I definitely need more consistency in my approach to breadmaking. I hope to find some stranger-baker's videos again, they were great. This dark rye with cocoa and caraway seeds was great with lamb stew. Yes indeed.
posted by Oyéah at 5:54 PM on November 13, 2022 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: reinvigorate the loaf
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:03 PM on November 13, 2022 [4 favorites]

I can't help but hear "reinvigorate the loaf" in Lord Summerisle's voice.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:07 PM on November 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

Craiyon AI interprets "reinvigorate the loaf." Is there nothing internet cats can't do?
posted by taz (staff) at 7:47 PM on November 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

This afternoon I’m several cherry mules, ruby thymes and some clam chowder at the bar with my bff. Afterwards at my drinky friend’s house we drink all but the last inch of a nearly empty vodka bottle. I take the rest of it home and will probably sleep good tonight. Fingers crossed.
posted by bendy at 11:41 PM on November 13, 2022 [1 favorite]

I am a hotel breakfast buffet. Nostalgic if you travel, soooo many options, best meal of the day.

(also hello this is ex divabat)
posted by creatrixtiara at 5:42 AM on November 14, 2022 [11 favorites]

Hey, welcome back! It’s great to see you around again!
posted by mochapickle at 6:43 AM on November 14, 2022 [1 favorite]

I am peanut butter, summer sausage and sharp cheddar on a ritz.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 10:22 AM on November 14, 2022 [2 favorites]

Negative. I am a meat popsicle.
posted by Soliloquy at 10:21 PM on November 14, 2022 [4 favorites]

Enjoying reading through this thread while snuggling the new babyfeet, and I was reminded of a recent canape experience.

I've found I don't get big cravings in pregnancy - the most dramatic one with my first was sending mrfeet through the drive through for some fries- but with this little one in utero, we were at a wedding, with delicious little bites being brought around on trays. My husband picked up one- sort of a quiche with olives and caramelized onions. I could smell it and insisted I have a taste - it was the most delicious thing, the olives were really intense, with a rich creamyness, and I very reluctantly handed it back. We asked the server if there were any more, because "the baby really really liked it" - she came back a bit later and told us it was the last one! While waiting we'd noticed other groups of people talking about what canapes they had had and many people had found "the olive one" a bit over powering. But wow, that feeling of fulfilling a craving was amazing. So yummy!

I will be curious to see if she likes olives when she can eat them!
posted by freethefeet at 2:56 AM on November 15, 2022 [3 favorites]

In addition to crudites/Luddites above, was also pronounce "canapes" to rhyme with "can apes."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:40 AM on November 15, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'm probably the cave-ripened, triple creme cheese that looks and smells like something sat on it but tastes like heaven and is worth every overpriced penny you paid for it when the weather was crappy and you were kinda despondent and just wanted something completely weird and frivolous to make you feel better or at least different. But then you get it home and realize you forgot to buy bread or crackers and all you have are the stale saltines you bought when you were feeling under the weather. But you eat the cheese anyway and it's not the worst decision.
posted by thivaia at 1:29 PM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]

I am both
a) chuffed that someone likes my canape-ness (do NOT try to pronounce that)
b) slightly mystified that someone else has tried that combo

It's good (at least, I think it is) but I realize that it might seem a bit ... odd, to some.

Oh, well. Happy eating!
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 1:39 PM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]

Sometimes I am merely an olive stuffed with feta or chorizo, and sometimes I am a date stuffed with parmesan cheese and wrapped with bacon.

Sometimes I am peanut butter M&Ms, but that might be a little outside the category.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 4:41 PM on November 15, 2022 [1 favorite]

Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Sometimes you don't.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:52 PM on November 15, 2022 [2 favorites]

You found some really excellent cold cuts and some organic cream cheese in the fridge, after realizing that the party is in 75 minutes and it's a 20 minute drive to get there.

You quickly invent a method to get the cream cheese onto the cold cuts and roll the whole thing up. Then you remember the cerignola olives that you bought yesterday. You were looking forward to those, but this is an emergency and you're trying to be less selfish, plus it would look cool to see those olives speared and perched on top of the cream cheese/cold cut roll.

You spend 6 minutes looking for toothpicks (why were they upstairs again?), finish finally, put them on a weird serving dish, and you're ready to go. You're only 22 minutes late to the party, but it was totally worth it because your friend came up with a very fun name for this new party snack.

You don't remember the fun name, but next time you make this you'll come up with about 12 possible fun names -- this is the fun that keeps on funning.
posted by amtho at 9:15 PM on November 15, 2022 [4 favorites]

I am a stuffed mushroom.
posted by h00py at 6:00 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]

posted by drlith at 9:31 AM on November 16, 2022 [1 favorite]

Are you saying you're all 4 of those, at different times?
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:08 PM on November 16, 2022

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