A Memorial Day

March 16, 2023 10:14 AM

About a week ago I was reading FPP 'X', and it made me think about a specific user whose input I would have appreciated, and whose comments in the past had helped shape, for the better, how I understand the world. The user in question died a couple years ago though, so that was that, but it put me on a path of thinking about them and - not to be morbid but, well - death.

In the off-line world there are well codified ways to address this but here and really on the internet at large it has just not been such a thing. It's all so 'new' (well, I still think of it as such. because, yes, ) it just hasn't been an issue I suppose and it's so - originally - detached from our real-world selves it seemed not-applicable.

But this detachment doesn't so much apply - for me - here. Even without knowing the real-world names or faces of so many here, I have often read enough to have an idea of who you are and when you die I will, and do, miss you.

So, I was wondering if we could have a day where we memorialise the Mefites who are no longer with us. Doesn't have to be a big to-do, not every-one every year might get memorialised, but it'll be there and in that weird way the internet has of saving everything, it'll be there to go back and read whenever.

I don't have a suggestion for which day that should be or what to call it but I know I'd like, every now and then, to call up the name of various Mefites and celebrate their contributions and impact on my/our lives.

posted by From Bklyn to Feature Requests at 10:14 AM (50 comments total)

We do already have a Deceased listing over on the Mefi Wiki, but I do think having a specific thread or channel or place to memorialize members who have passed on is still an idea worth exploring with the community.
posted by Fizz at 10:23 AM on March 16, 2023 [7 favorites]

This seems like a very nice idea. Folks who don't like it don't need to engage with it, while others may find it a comfort.

Celebrating those who are no longer with us is a ritual from before recorded time, performed by many cultures and many species.

+1 from me.
posted by seanmpuckett at 11:54 AM on March 16, 2023 [5 favorites]

In a sense it doesn't matter what day, but if one wanted a suggestion, how about opposite the year from Metafilter Day (whatever day of the year MeFi was brought up).
posted by seanmpuckett at 11:58 AM on March 16, 2023 [5 favorites]

I think this is a great suggestion.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 1:03 PM on March 16, 2023 [6 favorites]

I love it From Bklyn. I often think of mefis not with us. In the old days, Cold Chef, Jessamyn, Matt and Cortex have made great threads. I think a repository for members to say a few things in their own obit thread would be neat.
wobbuffet made this super post after eotvos passed. Just so, right and proper.
Perhaps, if another mefi passes (not for a long time, God willing) a general memorial post could be made. I think it should be in meta. For a general date, July 14, day of first metafilter post.
posted by clavdivs at 1:38 PM on March 16, 2023 [2 favorites]

an example would be gman who I still miss. Long ago l, we passed notes in class and one time I just sorta unloaded emotionally in a positive way, he wrote back. hey hope it works out and a few other words. Sorta overwhelming but sometimes we just unload. He wrote me second:
"if your loved in your life, trust that and just be yourself"
posted by clavdivs at 1:50 PM on March 16, 2023 [12 favorites]

Great idea.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:01 PM on March 16, 2023 [1 favorite]

An annual Auld Lang Syne post would be welcome, thank you.

I think often of HuronBob and Anitanola and rtha, and how much I miss their voices.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:48 PM on March 16, 2023 [23 favorites]

I think this is a great idea, although I think it might be useful to clarify what we mean by 'the Mefites who are no longer with us'. The start of the post itself suggests we mean this in absolute terms - MeFites that have passed on. But there are lots who are no longer with us and may or may not still be alive. I don't see a problem with this including those who have departed MetaFilter itself but nothing more is known about their still-breathing status.

Sorry for the rules-lawyering, I guess.
posted by dg at 4:10 PM on March 16, 2023

I love the memorial post idea but gently urge that it include only Mefites who have passed away. A post remembering Mefites who are no longer with us just because they hang out at, for example, plastic.com nowadays would also be welcome but separate, I think.

Although on second (bad, bad, not good) thought giving people the chance to chime in with their alive or not status would be kind of entertaining.
posted by mygothlaundry at 4:32 PM on March 16, 2023 [11 favorites]

I don't think anyone ever leaves the site under good circumstances so a memorial for MeFites that have left would just be inviting drama that we really don't need.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 4:55 PM on March 16, 2023 [5 favorites]

There’s a FPP about martinis, and that plus this made me think of Prince of Cups. Raising a glass to him this eve.
posted by curious nu at 5:24 PM on March 16, 2023

the Mefites who are no longer with us'.

In memorial parlance, died.
posted by clavdivs at 5:58 PM on March 16, 2023

I never met him but I still think about mrbill sometimes.
posted by bookmammal at 6:34 PM on March 16, 2023 [7 favorites]

I think this is a good idea. Maybe Día de los Muertos/All Souls' Day (1 or 2 November) would be a good day for an annual post?
posted by Pallas Athena at 7:36 PM on March 16, 2023 [12 favorites]

I think this is a lovely idea
posted by Lesium at 9:05 PM on March 16, 2023

I don't think anyone ever leaves the site under good circumstances

it happens all the time. People drift away, find other interests, move to a different life chapter. I'd guess probably 90% of departures are peaceful and for personal reasons. They might not even log out. We just don't know about those.
posted by Miko at 9:16 PM on March 16, 2023 [15 favorites]

I am talking about a ...thing... to commemorate the dead. (Users who have left the site might come back at any moment. The dead, infinitely less likely (YMMV.))

... how about opposite the year from Metafilter Day (whatever day of the year MeFi was brought up).

This idea has a nice resonance - what day was day one for Metafilter?
posted by From Bklyn at 1:49 AM on March 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

Isn’t our anniversary Bastille Day? That would put the antipode on January 12 or 13, if we’re counting in days, or January 14 if we’re using half-birthday math.
posted by eirias at 3:54 AM on March 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

I like the idea and I think now that it's been proposed if we're doing January 12 or 13, we should not wait until next January 12 or 13. Let's do it soon and then January 12 or 13th going forward.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 4:22 AM on March 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

July 14, 1999 was the first Metafilter post.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 4:30 AM on March 17, 2023 [6 favorites]

I quite like this idea, and although I often miss some still-alive former mefites, I agree that a memorial thread ought to be limited to those who have passed on from this mortal life, and not merely those who no longer visit a website.
posted by gauche at 6:05 AM on March 17, 2023 [8 favorites]

I agree, an annual FPP mentioning MeFites who have died would be a nice way to share remembrances -- but sometimes readers might miss an obit post, so we'll need to ease into these so that casual readers are braced for a possible surprise.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:06 AM on March 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

I really like this idea.
posted by kimberussell at 6:13 AM on March 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

Yeah… might it not give the place more of a retirement home vibe?
posted by Phanx at 6:35 AM on March 17, 2023

Yeah… might it not give the place more of a retirement home vibe?

This was my first reaction too.
posted by Klipspringer at 7:42 AM on March 17, 2023

Yeah… might it not give the place more of a retirement home vibe?

One post once a year that people can choose to engage with or not? I don't think most would consider that as "retirement home vibe".

In the US, we already have a holiday for it. Memorial Day. Having worked Food Service for entirely longer than I would have preferred, I can guarantee the vibe on Memorial Day is not "retirement home". It's much closer to Spring Break.

Anyway, I'm all for a post on the grey once a year for us to remember those that have passed. Engage if you want. Ignore if you don't.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 7:52 AM on March 17, 2023 [8 favorites]

July 14, 1999 was the first Metafilter post.

Isn’t our anniversary Bastille Day? That would put the antipode on January 12 or 13, if we’re counting in days, or January 14 if we’re using half-birthday math.

*nods* January 14th is a symbolically good day, as that's also the day of the Old New Year or the Orthodox New Year, marking the beginning of the year in the Julian calendar. So there is a strong time-old-new-wheel of the year-circle of life element to that specific date.

And for those of a more, perhaps juvenile, disposition, January 14th is also the Feast of the Ass.
posted by Wordshore at 8:08 AM on March 17, 2023 [10 favorites]

I agree that a memorial post would be nice.

If we want to make a separate, Monty-Python style, 'Is The Mefite Dead Or Have They Just Moved To Another Site' I think that should be done differently and only very very gently.
posted by corb at 8:49 AM on March 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

I think of rtha often, and pjern, and null terminated, and I do not feel like I'm in assisted living when I do. Confronting the reality and grief and commemoration of death is a healthy thing for a community to do sometimes. Opt-in obviously, nobody has to do anything they don't want to do, but I do think the idea of choosing a moment to intentionally remember those who are gone is a really nice idea, and honestly a comforting balance to how we usually end up confronting individual deaths: suddenly, without warning, as a shock.
posted by cortex (retired) at 8:59 AM on March 17, 2023 [23 favorites]

In the US, we already have a holiday for it. Memorial Day.

Although mefi has had many memorable flame wars that that our dear departed may have participated in, this is not my understanding of what the US Memorial Day is about. YMMV, etc.
posted by zamboni at 11:03 AM on March 17, 2023 [6 favorites]

Although mefi has had many memorable flame wars that that our dear departed may have participated in, this is not my understanding of what the US Memorial Day is about. YMMV, etc.

Fair enough. I was more fighting against the notion that merely remembering those who had passed necessarily means we have a "retirement home vibe". My example was not anything close to perfect and for that, I apologize.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 12:51 PM on March 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

Strongly disagree that there is anything retirement home ish about commemorating the dead. Grief rituals are a basic part of what it means to be human, and their presence here, in contrast to their extremely pointed absence on most of the net (you just try to tell Facebook your grandparent has died), is one of the things that makes MeFi stand out in a good way. It says: there are people here. Most of the internet wants me to forget it is made of people, but this part is saying No.
posted by eirias at 1:33 PM on March 17, 2023 [8 favorites]

Would calling it Dot Day (as a callback to the dots on obit posts) be too insidery?
posted by kimberussell at 1:34 PM on March 17, 2023 [6 favorites]

Yeah… might it not give the place more of a retirement home vibe?

I don't understand what this, how this works. Though admittedly I don't know much about retirement homes - is this a thing they do there? (I guess it would be a wall with all the 'retirees' who are ... uh... 'permanently retired' listed on it? Like a hall of fame but darker. And would it be by the entrance? I can only imagine that as being macabre as hell. A little bit funny, too, but only in the blackest blackest blackest way.) But seriously, I'd be obliged if someone could spell it out for me.

What I imagine is a simple post, once a year, where I can say "I saw a hawk last week hovering over a field and though it was not a red tail, it made me think of them." And then the post is superseded by, you know, time and other posts. It's there, though, and I can go back, find it and read what others have contributed and the loss is given a different shape.

Not something front page and, obviously, opt-out from family. Of course.
posted by From Bklyn at 1:41 PM on March 17, 2023 [7 favorites]

Grief rituals are a basic part of what it means to be human, and their presence here, in contrast to their extremely pointed absence on most of the net

Avoiding talking about death puts me in mind of something a wise bear once said:

He was your Elvis, and when your Elvis dies, so does the private lie that someday you will be young once again, and feel at capricious intervals the weightlessness of a joy that is unchecked by the injuries of experience and failure.

In other words, you two died a bit today.

Welcome to the only game in town.

posted by zamboni at 2:36 PM on March 17, 2023 [16 favorites]

Not necessarily a wall, but when one walks into a retirement home or assisted living facility to visit one’s still-living relation, there’s quite frequently a memorial displayed in the lobby to the resident who most recently passed. This does tend to cast a bit of a pall over the proceedings, and something like a persistent “Remembering...” widget in the sidebar here might do the same, but I don’t really see it with an annual post.
posted by staggernation at 2:49 PM on March 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

well, I ask myself: Is metafilter a retirement facility in order to better understand this simile.
posted by clavdivs at 4:35 PM on March 17, 2023

I think that this is a great idea. Remembering our loved ones, no matter who they are and how they are loved is an important way of celebrating a life and how they touched us. Perhaps only a relative few people will be part of it but giving and getting solace is a simple, easy and most importantly, kind thing to do.
posted by ashbury at 6:56 PM on March 17, 2023 [5 favorites]

He was your Elvis...

This reminds me of something I read many years ago:

When President Kennedy was assassinated, newspaper columnist Mary McGrory said to Daniel Patrick Moynihan, "We'll never laugh again."

Moynihan, then an aide to Kennedy, replied, "Heavens, Mary, we'll laugh again. It's just that we'll never be young again."

I, too, would favor a MeFi day of remembrance, or some other means by which we can pay homage to those now gone who have informed and entertained us in this community.
posted by bryon at 9:33 PM on March 17, 2023 [7 favorites]

...there’s quite frequently a memorial displayed in the lobby to the resident who most recently passed...

OK. Probably 100% not what I was thinking of for this - but thanks, sincerely, for the elucidation.
posted by From Bklyn at 1:25 AM on March 18, 2023 [1 favorite]

Would calling it Dot Day (as a callback to the dots on obit posts) be too insidery?

I sort of love that idea because it's gentle for whom a big "people who died" thread might feel weird. I think about anitar and Wolf Daddy and rtha and pjern and brad and scrump and roll truck roll and gman and those are only the MeFites I have met in person who (I know) have died. A day of remembrance is a lovely idea.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:04 AM on March 18, 2023 [14 favorites]

I think often of HuronBob and Anitanola and rtha, and how much I miss their voices.

I periodically read tribute to Anitanola. I can't believe it's already 8 years.
posted by TravellingCari at 6:11 PM on March 20, 2023 [5 favorites]

I've been thinking of wfrgms a lot lately, as he'll be dead 10 years this year and he was so young and I was his friend. I wonder how much he would have changed. Whether he would have worked things out. Whether I would have gotten to know his partner better. Whether he would have drifted further away.

He's buried near a corner where I regularly get on or off the bus but I have not been to the grave since the service. There's been far too much death in my life in the last ten years and I'm barely older than Will should have been. I should go visit his grave. Especially since this thread has been the first time I've commented here in years--I guess he deserves a shot from the flask for that.

I support grief rituals, however I can.
posted by crush at 7:07 PM on March 20, 2023 [10 favorites]

I like this idea very much. I've been more of an occasional lurker in recent years so I miss quite a bit. I was brought to tears last year to learn that LeLiLo had passed - and a few years ago, at that. I'd met him a few times and he was a super lovely human. He was one of the first people who reached out to me with kind words when I was new on mefi.

If you haven't regularly followed MetaTalk or periodically visited mefi's deceased wiki page, it can be quite a shock. I'm sure I'm not alone in getting sad, belated word about a beloved member's passing. Having an annual remembrance post could be a positive thing. Plus, it might be nice for their families and friends to possibly learn that they are not forgotten.

I am also liking the idea of some kind of a (separate and different) "still alive" type of thread at some point.

Related: I'm still ticking.
posted by madamjujujive at 2:12 PM on March 22, 2023 [10 favorites]

Seeing rtha referenced here so much is making me happy and sad both.
posted by gingerbeer at 11:43 AM on March 23, 2023 [14 favorites]

Sending you a hug, gingerbeer.
posted by MonkeyToes at 1:14 PM on March 23, 2023 [2 favorites]

I would love this.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 5:24 PM on March 27, 2023

We lost a very dear IRL friend recently. Yes to this idea, please.

And seconding hugs to gingerbeer.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 8:31 PM on March 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

This seems like such an obviously good idea I hope it will get done. Calling it Dot Day seems to fit. This is something I've thought about as well, especially after eotvos' recent passing, that it would be nice to know what happened to and good to remember late members. I wonder, though, for many members how would the news ever reach this site if anything were to happen to them?

I also like the idea of a place for remembering members who have left the site but not this world, completely separate of course from the other kind of memorial.
posted by blue shadows at 12:14 AM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]