crouton petting, n.
1. the state of feeling or expressing an anthropomorphized fondness, affection, or compassion for inanimate objectsMetaFilter has only been able to accommodate that first definition (cf. this discussion among others)...until now. Thanks to recent improvements in both baking and recombinant genetics, we're happy to announce the opening of the world's first interactive Crouton Petting Zoo. [more inside]
2. the state of just literally petting some actual croutons
Little pig at a petting zoo rescues baby goat. Suspicion: "This is setting off all my bullshit alarms. Seems an awful lot like a trained pig performing a trick." Rebuttal: "Is a petting zoo going to purposly strand a goat in water every day, and then train a pig to go rescue it, and not advertise? ... The whole idea of contriving small animals to be in peril and rescue themselves as a spectacle seems too complicated and beyond the expertise of a run of the mill petting zoo. This is a petting zoo you'd find in a Chuck Palahniuk novel, is what I'm saying." Reality: Not a Chuck Palahniuk novel. A Nathan Fielder series on Comedy Central. [more inside]