A horse and his boy

June 28, 2007 11:53 AM

1 (555) NO-CABAL
posted by acro to Feature Requests at 11:53 AM (120 comments total)

When the computer is broken, or the internet is down. For dining recomendations/travel filter questions...
Asterisk for MetaFilter-to-POTS... festival for voice to text? 5 years away?
posted by acro at 11:53 AM on June 28, 2007

1 800 WTF????
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:56 AM on June 28, 2007

1-800-BISCUIT
posted by slogger at 12:00 PM on June 28, 2007

1 800 and keep dialin' 9.
posted by kosem at 12:05 PM on June 28, 2007

1-800-SNARK-ON
posted by brain_drain at 12:06 PM on June 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

jeez, i called and someone picked up. i feel sorry for hanging up on her.
posted by yeoz at 12:06 PM on June 28, 2007

1-800-WTF-ROFL.

Also, the phone number is taken and I just annoyed a very nice sounding office lady to figure that out.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:06 PM on June 28, 2007

Oh shit
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:07 PM on June 28, 2007

DEEEEEEELEEETE THE THREAD FRIENDS. REALLY, LIKE MAKE IT GO AWAY FOREVER.
posted by Divine_Wino at 12:08 PM on June 28, 2007

1-800-BANNINATION

You call it and someone sends you a video and you watch the video and then five days later you are mysteriously compelled to post a stupid thread to MetaTalk and then you are banninated.
posted by ND¢ at 12:08 PM on June 28, 2007 [5 favorites]

oh shit indeed.
posted by boo_radley at 12:09 PM on June 28, 2007

Is this an open source phone sex line? Is that what this is? I don't know what this is. What is this?
posted by Salmonberry at 12:10 PM on June 28, 2007

1-800-RPLYALL
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:10 PM on June 28, 2007

I think the phrase 'use your words' has been bandied about too often recently but in this case...are we to understand you want to be able to post to metafilter over the phone using some sort of voice to text translator and conversely to be able to have answers read to you over the phone ?...or is that just me trying to rationalise the crazy?
posted by TwoWordReview at 12:13 PM on June 28, 2007

So you don't have internet access, instead you call 1-800-ask-mefi, and leave a question. How are you going to read the answers?
posted by poppo at 12:14 PM on June 28, 2007

Someone delete my comment, I can't believe I fell for this. Good gag post, acro.
posted by poppo at 12:15 PM on June 28, 2007

I just called the nice lady at 1-800-ASKMEFI and let her know what was happening and why she was getting so many hang-ups. I also told her to answer the phone "WTF OMG LOL" for the next ten minutes. She seemed pretty cool about it and sounded like she was writing the phrase down. Her last question was "So this is an internet thing?" I think she is bored at work, so go ahead.
posted by ND¢ at 12:15 PM on June 28, 2007 [2 favorites]

However, this concept would work great for music.metafilter. Just call up and start playing. The first music recording studio using ONLY a telephone call.
posted by poppo at 12:17 PM on June 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

I am this far away from deleting MetaTalk from my bookmarks.

But I know I'd just end up subscribing to the RSS.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:19 PM on June 28, 2007

1-800-USE-UR-WORDS
posted by grouse at 12:20 PM on June 28, 2007

You have reached the AskMetaFilter Help Line. To name your cat, please press 1. To find a great place to hang out in Cleveland, please press 2. To ask about that strange new growth, please press 3. To ask about your love-life, please watch Oprah. To find out whether or not to eat that, please just eat it. To find out how to dispose of the body, fix your computer, or write your book about zombies, Google is your friend. To drive traffic to your website, please fuck off and die.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:24 PM on June 28, 2007 [17 favorites]

I understand that during hurricane warnings in Florida, horse ranches release their horses from their pens and allow them to find their own shelter, which they typically are able to do instinctually, and thus are more likely to survive than if they had stayed in their pens. The ranchers customarily paint their phone numbers on the sides of the horses, to ensure their return, and after the storm, the horses are often found many miles from their home paddocks.

My question is, can we also paint AskMe questions on those horses?
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 12:24 PM on June 28, 2007 [10 favorites]

Admins: I would recommend deleting this post so people don't call a number that belongs to some unsuspecting person. And acro should have be kicked to the curb by a giant white-hot poker up his ass.
posted by dios at 12:24 PM on June 28, 2007 [3 favorites]

Dear 1-800-ASKMEFI:

What should I name my cat? It often pees on my roommate's clothes, because she's a lying bitch who slept with my boyfriend. Should I end it with him?
posted by ninjew at 12:24 PM on June 28, 2007

I am willing to provide this service for $25 per question. One hundred word limit, surcharge of $5 for each additional 25 words thereafter. Non-deletion cannot be guaranteed.

(And the idea of a Music dial-a-recording channel is honestly immensely appealing to me, but I'm not sure if it would make any sense and if anyone would use it.)
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:25 PM on June 28, 2007

1-800-MOR-INSD
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:26 PM on June 28, 2007

oh shit, my joke got jinxed. plus I don't have a boyfriend. kthxbye
posted by ninjew at 12:28 PM on June 28, 2007

1-800-MIX-ALOT


and kick them nasty thoughts

baby got banned
posted by GuyZero at 12:41 PM on June 28, 2007 [5 favorites]

My brain hurts.
posted by NationalKato at 12:50 PM on June 28, 2007

I see all these as US skype links... trying not click them...
posted by chuckdarwin at 12:58 PM on June 28, 2007

1-800-BUCKET-OF-COCKS
posted by quonsar at 12:59 PM on June 28, 2007 [3 favorites]

Will Cortex talk dirty if you call?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:08 PM on June 28, 2007

audioblogger rip
Metafilter: Fuck C.S. Lewis and fuck you.
posted by acro at 1:15 PM on June 28, 2007

800 numbers have been in service for years, of course they're all taken. It would obviously be 866.

fuckin' n00bs
posted by kyleg at 1:23 PM on June 28, 2007

This is even more cryptic now that whoever edited the post edited it.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:28 PM on June 28, 2007

XXXXXXXX XXX XXXXXXXXXX XXXXX X

(XXXXX)
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 1:41 PM on June 28, 2007

This is even more cryptic now that whoever edited the post edited it.

*dials 1-800-XXX-XXXX (1-800-999-9999)*

Huh. The "Nine line." What's that?
posted by dersins at 1:43 PM on June 28, 2007

Changing the number to 1-555-ASK-MEFI might ameliorate both annoyance to nice office ladies and the crypticosity of this bizarre thread.
Also, according to Google,
Covenant House Nineline (1-800-999-9999) is a 24-hour, toll-free crisis hotline which provides crisis intervention, referral and information services to ...
So, yeah.
posted by nowonmai at 1:49 PM on June 28, 2007

1-800-BORETEX AMIRITE
posted by 29 at 1:58 PM on June 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

This place makes less and less sense everyday.
posted by fair_game at 2:04 PM on June 28, 2007

This is even more cryptic now that whoever edited the post edited it.

Must've been Matt, then. Between that and that trainwreck voting thing, that guy is gonna get banned one of these days.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:04 PM on June 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

And the one for making comments would be 1-800-BEAN-PLT
posted by Many bubbles at 2:11 PM on June 28, 2007

This thread is fucking hilarious. I don't know how I missed it before. So thank you, strange metatalk thread.
posted by ninjew at 2:16 PM on June 28, 2007

I'm fascinated by the supposed connection to CS Lewis but still don't get it.
posted by TwoWordReview at 2:19 PM on June 28, 2007

You want fun? War-dial the 1-800-95x-xxxx number space. You'd be surprised/horrified.

Sprint, I'm looking in your direction.
posted by Pastabagel at 2:25 PM on June 28, 2007

This is even more cryptic now that whoever edited the post edited it.

Yeah, I saw 1-800-XXX-XXXX and thought of
Woz.
posted by vytae at 2:27 PM on June 28, 2007

I just called the nice lady at 1-800-ASKMEFI and let her know what was happening and why she was getting so many hang-ups.

And yet, like a complete asshole, I read that and then immediately called her and hung up.

I hate myself.
posted by infinitywaltz at 2:37 PM on June 28, 2007

"(And the idea of a Music dial-a-recording channel is honestly immensely appealing to me, but I'm not sure if it would make any sense and if anyone would use it.)"

There was a free voicemail thing on MeFi a while ago; it would be trivial to record a song as the greeting.
posted by klangklangston at 2:50 PM on June 28, 2007

posted by TwoWordReview at 2:19 PM PST on June 28

Feature pony request ==talking horses
or as dios said
posted by acro at 3:03 PM on June 28, 2007

Dial-a-pantsfish could make millions.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:08 PM on June 28, 2007

acro, please tell me that English isn't your first language. Actually, is language itself your primary form of communication? I can't really tell because you are not really employing it to seek whatever it is you want.

You make thomcatspike look brilliantly coherent.
posted by dios at 3:08 PM on June 28, 2007

WHAT
THE
FUCK
PHONE NUMBER?

???
posted by eyeballkid at 3:10 PM on June 28, 2007

See this would TOTALLY enable those askme where the poster is trying to live their personal life though the collective ignorance of strangers. It would go something like...

How do I ask a girl out? She said yes! I'm really nervous about sex, HELP ME What kind of car should I drive? Give me good ideas for proposing to my girlfriend Should I move to another state to live with my fiancee? So... whats the deal with married life? et fucking cetera

posted by edgeways at 3:13 PM on June 28, 2007

uh, did it used to say "1 (555) xxx-xxxx" instead of "1 (555) ASK-MEFI" or am I imagining shit again?
posted by puke & cry at 3:14 PM on June 28, 2007

this: 1-800-MOR-INSD

(posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:26 PM on June 28)

is this: Is this an open source phone sex line? Is that what this is? I don't know what this is. What is this?

(posted by Salmonberry at 3:10 PM on June 28)
posted by exlotuseater at 3:19 PM on June 28, 2007

Aw, I miss thomcatspike.
posted by emelenjr at 3:19 PM on June 28, 2007

Is this thread something you have to be high to understand?
posted by CKmtl at 3:22 PM on June 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

It was originally posted by acro with 1(800) ASK-MEFI and its numeric equivalent, prompting many MeFites, including jessamyn, to call the number and be embarassed to find it was somebody else's number. One of our mods (maybe jess, not sure) changed it to 1(800) XXX-XXXX, but was reminded that that was also a valid number, so it was finally changed to 1 (555) ASK-MEFI (555 being the universal for an American non-existent area code), but it may have been 1 (555) XXX-XXXX in the interim (I was offline for a while)

It's just nice to see somebody else coming up with an even worse idea than my group email a couple weeks ago.
posted by wendell at 3:24 PM on June 28, 2007

1-900-JESSAMYN
posted by LordSludge at 3:27 PM on June 28, 2007

It's just nice to see somebody else coming up with an even worse idea than my group email a couple weeks ago.

Don't be so hard on yourself, wendell. No-one could outdo you!
posted by dersins at 3:28 PM on June 28, 2007

Please can we have the 800-Music-Fi? Shit sounds so tight through the phone! Ack! Do it! Need it!
posted by wemayfreeze at 3:28 PM on June 28, 2007

It's just nice to see somebody else coming up with an even worse idea than my group email a couple weeks ago.

Dont flatter yourself, yours was much worse.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:29 PM on June 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

"You make thomcatspike look brilliantly coherent."

What happened to that guy? Wasn't he in the military? I hope he's not dead.
posted by klangklangston at 3:30 PM on June 28, 2007

so... why are we going along with acro's craziness? shouldn't there be some sort of system whereby joe random user receives some sort of disincentive to post nonsense bullshit to metatalk that causes us to harass innocent office workers? just wonderin'
posted by shmegegge at 3:38 PM on June 28, 2007

LordSludge : 1-900-JESSAMYN

I shudder that the thought of what kinds of highly articulate filth I'd get for my $1.99 a minute on this line.
posted by quin at 3:43 PM on June 28, 2007 [2 favorites]

omg jessamyn stop copying me
posted by dersins at 3:53 PM on June 28, 2007

Re. the stupid title: C.S. Lewis' talking horses in A Horse and His Boy, as an allegory to a 'metafilter impossible request pony'.
posted by acro at 3:54 PM on June 28, 2007

highly articulate filth I'd get for my $1.99 a minute

I CAN HAS CHIKIN?
posted by IronLizard at 3:56 PM on June 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

quin: I shudder that the thought of what kinds of highly articulate filth I'd get for my $1.99 a minute on this line.

I'm thinking she'll mostly just make you feel really stupid and inadequate using a tiny font within brackets. (Yes, on the phone. Stop asking.)

But, you know, there may be a market.
posted by LordSludge at 3:56 PM on June 28, 2007

I use <small> font in brackets all the time. She'll make me feel inadequate for doing it?

[That's hot]
posted by quin at 4:03 PM on June 28, 2007

I shudder that the thought of what kinds of highly articulate filth I'd get for my $1.99 a minute on this line.

Mostly you just hear a lot of bawk... bawk.. Bu-GAWK!
posted by Wolfdog at 4:04 PM on June 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

First I was annoyed, then I was intrigued, then annoyed again, and then I just let it all wash over me like pee in the kiddy pool. Now I've got a rash.
posted by OmieWise at 4:11 PM on June 28, 2007 [2 favorites]

Just a heads up while the 555 prefix is non-existant for standard numbers as in 1-(area code)-555-XXXX in the 1-800 exchange 555-XXXX numbers are quite valid. You can think an old issue of 2600 and a summer bored out in AZ for this useless bit of knowledge.
posted by Captain_Science at 4:45 PM on June 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

wendell, wasn't this you?
posted by yeti at 5:00 PM on June 28, 2007

shouldn't there be some sort of system whereby joe random user receives some sort of disincentive to post nonsense bullshit to metatalk that causes us to harass innocent office workers?

Seconded. I vote for spending a week with quonsar's pantsfish.
posted by languagehat at 5:00 PM on June 28, 2007

Boy, am I glad yetis don't exist. Or else there'd be some asshole here at MetaFilter accusing me of sending email scams with death threats in them. Now how silly is that?
posted by wendell at 5:14 PM on June 28, 2007

wendell punched my mom in the face
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:19 PM on June 28, 2007

that's nothing, cortex.

my mom punched wendell in the face.
posted by dersins at 5:22 PM on June 28, 2007

YOUR mom, cortex? Oh, I had intended to punch her in the ass, but they looked so much alike I got confused.
posted by wendell at 5:23 PM on June 28, 2007

That was YOUR mom, dersins? Well, tell her she apparently made the same mistake because she only hit my ass.
wait a minute... who am I trying to insult here?
posted by wendell at 5:25 PM on June 28, 2007

my mom punched wendell in the face.

Did he tell an offensive joke at a party?
posted by Arturus at 5:30 PM on June 28, 2007 [4 favorites]

I subscribe to the death threat newsletter so I know is wasn't *really* you.
posted by yeti at 5:31 PM on June 28, 2007

What happened to that guy? Wasn't he in the military?

His brother, I think, not him.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:46 PM on June 28, 2007

Hilariously, my office telephone number is [phone]. Pizza guys never take me seriously at first. The college owns the whole 867 block, including the famous 5309 number. It was once someone's office number, but is no longer routed.
posted by blasdelf at 7:23 PM on June 28, 2007

You just posted your office phone number to MetaTalk? I think you might get LOTS of pizza delivered tomorrow. And check your refrigerator too; it might be running.
posted by yhbc at 7:26 PM on June 28, 2007

Changed the number again, eh?
posted by puke & cry at 8:05 PM on June 28, 2007

1-900-JESSAMYN

"If you like casual profanity AND being shushed... "

Actually, that would be pretty hot.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:21 PM on June 28, 2007

Everytime I look it's a new number.

YOU'RE MESSING WITH MY MIND, jessaMAN!
posted by Salmonberry at 8:40 PM on June 28, 2007

Hey, so can we make suggestions for new numbers? Like... 1 (800) SHOULDN'T THIS THREAD BE CLOSED BY NOW
posted by spiderskull at 8:51 PM on June 28, 2007

1-555-MEH-ACRO

last post
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:04 PM on June 28, 2007

Dial 1-900-JESSAMYN - she'll whisper dirty to you.
posted by dg at 9:04 PM on June 28, 2007

No, 1-900-JESSAMYN is where you call to be stumped with trivia questions.
posted by kindall at 9:09 PM on June 28, 2007

1-800-NOCLOSE
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:20 PM on June 28, 2007

Huh. The "Nine line." What's that?

The nine line is a runaway hotline that got mentioned at just about every assembly at my high school (early/mid nineties). They even handed out cards, because apparently they thought we might be too stupid to dial 1-800 and then just keep hitting 9 until someone picked up.

One day, my friend called them up, and when the answered with their "Hi, you've reached the nine line" spiel, he said "Is this the suicide hotline"
".....Um, no sir, it's actually the runaway hotline but I'm sure we can - "
"JESUS CHRIST, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!" *click*
posted by solotoro at 9:23 PM on June 28, 2007 [3 favorites]

solotoro that is such a mean thing to do.

I love it
posted by Salmonberry at 9:40 PM on June 28, 2007

Kottke: Facebook is the new AOL---MetaFilter is the next platform for developers
posted by acro at 10:00 PM on June 28, 2007

1 (800) SHOULDN'T THIS THREAD BE CLOSED BY NOW

arco must have one of those robust Mefi black accounts.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:01 PM on June 28, 2007

arco is an upstanding mefite and a librarian.
posted by acro at 10:25 PM on June 28, 2007

Dial 1-900-EAT-SPIT

Artist: Spit

Album: "The Persecution of Genius"

Song: Phone Sex

quin's review: most vulgar song ever!
posted by quin at 11:15 PM on June 28, 2007

Someone please tell me that I'm on drugs and that none of this is real.
posted by flashboy at 2:11 AM on June 29, 2007

You're on drugs and none of this is real.

Feel better now?
posted by gomichild at 2:27 AM on June 29, 2007

THANK FUCK

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
posted by flashboy at 2:33 AM on June 29, 2007

Captain_Science writes "Just a heads up while the 555 prefix is non-existant for standard numbers as in 1-(area code)-555-XXXX"

A common misunderstanding, the 555 exchange is well populated with valid numbers most places. For example 1-xxx-555-1212 is directory assistance for what ever area code you replace the xxxs with. In fact, only 555-0100 through 555-0199 are now specifically reserved for fictional use.
posted by Mitheral at 4:29 AM on June 29, 2007

555-FILK
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 5:39 AM on June 29, 2007

That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!
posted by vronsky at 1:19 PM on June 29, 2007

Hey, that's my last name.

Yeah, I'm Mr. Lol.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 1:45 PM on June 29, 2007

I thought maybe your first name was Seymour.
posted by InfidelZombie at 2:09 PM on June 29, 2007

*HONK*
posted by taosbat at 2:13 PM on June 29, 2007

1-800-BUCKETS
posted by davejay at 2:35 PM on June 29, 2007

wait wait wait wait wait

wait

I've been following this thread and it's really cool and all, but guys... guys, is that number changing? I totally checked it out yesterday and it said that thing that's on that shirt that cortex wears in some of his pictures on the flikr except with a "z."

And now it says something different. I am confused, this is freaking me out. I was having some really weird dreams last night and maybe I was dreaming about MetaTalk?

Guys? Is there an explanation for this? I don't know if I can go to sleep tonight if it's pressing on my mind.
posted by Mister Cheese at 7:29 PM on June 29, 2007

Deep breath Mr. Cheese. The mods are fucking with us. There is nothing to worry about.

Or.

What you are seeing is nothing more than a figment of your imagination. That would be all well and good, but in this case, it's actually the result of a tumor that is beginning to form in your brain. Fortunately, it's benign, so you don't need to worry much about it other than the vivid dreams it's going to cause. What you should worry about, however, is the thing that caused it. You have a chip in your head. Whether it was put there by the government or aliens, I can not tell you. But it's presence has disrupted your body. The really scary question is what is it doing in there? Transmitting your thoughts to someone most likely. You know, your innermost secrets. The things you would never want anyone to know. And you now know all of this because you noticed the number changing.

Pressing on your mind indeed.

There is no cabal.
posted by quin at 7:51 PM on June 29, 2007

Hey, let's all go to Mister Cheese's room tonight and watch him as he tries to go to sleep.
posted by vronsky at 7:55 PM on June 29, 2007

I don't know if I can go to sleep tonight if it's pressing on my mind.

Like so many felt cutouts, yes.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:56 PM on June 29, 2007

And yeah, seriously, seek help. We haven't done a thing, and this whole "lol the number is changing" thing is sounding like something to talk to a doctor about, or, barring that, AskMe.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:58 PM on June 29, 2007

Breehy-hinny-brinny-hoohy-hah
posted by vronsky at 8:04 PM on June 29, 2007

1-888-PIRILLO
posted by acro at 8:37 PM on June 29, 2007

Just Bree will suffice, vronsky.
posted by Wolfdog at 8:39 PM on June 29, 2007

And now it says something different. I am confused, this is freaking me out. I was having some really weird dreams last night and maybe I was dreaming about MetaTalk?

I dreamed about fish (aquarium, not eating). Did you dream about fish? Because if you dreamed about fish, then we may have some psychic connection and can save MeFi from spurious phone numbers!

One of the fish was really big.
posted by dirigibleman at 11:50 PM on June 29, 2007

Also, none of them were in my pants, which is why I don't think I have a psychic connection with quonsar. He cannot help us. I've said too much.
posted by dirigibleman at 11:51 PM on June 29, 2007

I can't understand what the problem is
I find it hard enough dealing with my own biz
How'd they get my name and number
Then I stop to think and wonder
Bout a plan, yo man, I gotta step out town
You wanna call me up? Take my number down
It's 222-2222
I got an answering machine that can talk to you
posted by Otis at 10:30 AM on June 30, 2007