The nice way to say no is no, thank you.

February 6, 2008 3:51 PM

You, sir, are being a jerk.

She gave you the easiest way out she possibly could, and instead of giving her a straight answer you waffled and then proceeded to (inadvertently) play with her heart, which could lead her to assume that you're toying with her for the lulz, enjoying the attention even though you know you aren't interested, and are in general being a jerk. DON'T DO THAT. A polite, straightforward "no thank you" is never an insulting reply to a straightforward question (it might be not the answer she wanted, but that's not your problem). Waffling, on the other hand, is your problem--and is about as insulting as you can get.

To fix this mess: Tell her immediately that you've been thinking about it and you're really not up for a relationship, but that you enjoy her friendship and are sorry that it took this long to tell her.

(Whew. And because I feel a lot better after typing that all out, I have been there and done that, and not only did I hurt the person that I was trying to be kind to, I hurt myself even more when I realized what a jerk I'd been. I know that "letting someone down easy" looks like the logical, kind way to do things, but really, no. Save your future self, avoid prolonging this experience.)

posted by anaelith to etiquette/policy at 3:51 PM (37 comments total)

Thank goodness you posted this angry rant here instead of a thoughtful, well-considered response in the Ask thread where it might have helped.
posted by fandango_matt at 3:57 PM on February 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

Seems to me this could just as easily have been an answer in the AskMe thread, rather than a whole new MeTa.
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:58 PM on February 6, 2008

Or, what fandango_matt said.
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:58 PM on February 6, 2008

i was hoping the more inside was going to be a chastisement of rhizome's dumb non-answer, but this? this is even dumber.
posted by sergeant sandwich at 4:00 PM on February 6, 2008

To think we almost went a whole day (during the week, no less) without an angry MeTa.
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 4:00 PM on February 6, 2008

Thank god you posted this to Meta, instead of just sending it to him via Mefimail.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:03 PM on February 6, 2008

Unfortunately, I've really got no interest in writing out a thoughtful, well-considered response that answers the question, so this is what you guys get instead. Sorry for, uh, killing the statistics? Or something.
posted by anaelith at 4:05 PM on February 6, 2008

You should post this to the blue for the triumvirate.
posted by null terminated at 4:07 PM on February 6, 2008

Then cortex could write a ditty about it and post it to MefiMusic.
posted by eyeballkid at 4:11 PM on February 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Not interested in writing out a thoughtful response cause that would actually do the guy some good, and ruin the whole "spiteful" thing, right?

Don't get me wrong, I totally concur with everything you've said, and have been on the receiving end of crap like that. But seriously, MefiMail?
posted by Phire at 4:13 PM on February 6, 2008

What a fool believes, no wise man has the power to reason away.
posted by waraw at 4:13 PM on February 6, 2008

posted by anaelith Unfortunately, I've really got no interest in writing out a thoughtful, well-considered response that answers the question, so this is what you guys get instead. Sorry for, uh, killing the statistics? Or something.

Translation:

"Instead of being helpful, I'd rather be an asshole."
posted by fandango_matt at 4:15 PM on February 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

You're pointing to some kid and yelling, "Hey everyone, this guy's an idiot!!!"

DON'T DO THAT.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:15 PM on February 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

$DEITY $CURSE you all to $NEGATIVELOCATION. Now I can't get any sleep tonight until this pans out...

:: grumbles ::
posted by benzo8 at 4:16 PM on February 6, 2008

Thank goodness you posted this angry rant here instead of a thoughtful, well-considered response in the Ask thread where it might have helped.

If you don't know the answer, don't answer the question. It's that simple.
posted by dhammond at 4:17 PM on February 6, 2008

Well, the kid really is being an idiot, and the op here took it to the Meta like a good little Mefite instead of pooping in the thread.

Metafilter: Where people will find something to complain about, no matter what.
posted by konolia at 4:20 PM on February 6, 2008 [3 favorites]

Unfortunately, I've really got no interest in writing out a thoughtful, well-considered response that answers the question

Things I read piss me off that much sometimes, too. That's when I know I should probably back away for a bit and not let my anger get the best of me.
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 4:22 PM on February 6, 2008

Quite the contrary, I, Sir or madame, am being a pony.
posted by Divine_Wino at 4:26 PM on February 6, 2008

anaelith, this was unnecessary. All your points were addressed by people in the AskMe thread (and giving the original poster a little bit of feedback as to the likely downside to the meta-meta-song game seems entirely appropriate, even if it is tangential to directly answering their question). I think you should email one of the mods and ask them to close this thread.
posted by peacay at 4:26 PM on February 6, 2008

I decided to answer the question. There's a good answer.
posted by jonmc at 4:26 PM on February 6, 2008

the kid really is being an idiot

Such is their nature. So why the callout?
posted by Sys Rq at 4:29 PM on February 6, 2008

I actually think this post would be a fine answer to the question. I know the whole "attack the premise of the question" style answer is a tricky line to tread, but his question boils down to


What song (what good song) says "I'm not ready for a relationship" in just the right way?

And your answer is "None of them". That's fair.
posted by Rock Steady at 4:29 PM on February 6, 2008

Honestly, you would think that knowing the pile-on that happens in half the MeTa threads, one would put a bit more thought and consideration into making a MeTa post.
posted by amro at 4:29 PM on February 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Unfortunately, I've really got no interest in writing out a thoughtful, well-considered response that answers the question, so this is what you guys get instead. Sorry for, uh, killing the statistics? Or something.

Just email the OP and then repost the response in this thread. That's awesome.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:29 PM on February 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

so this is what you guys get instead.

Waitress! There's a fly in soup!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:31 PM on February 6, 2008

The general response to this call-out isn't unexpected, but is it symmetric?
posted by CKmtl at 4:31 PM on February 6, 2008

Also, this may be the first straight male college freshman I've ever encountered turning away a girl who obviously digs him. At his age, I should've had such problems.
posted by jonmc at 4:32 PM on February 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm going over to the other gray side / Happy to have post, not to have post not / Big business The hive mind is very wise...
posted by scody at 4:35 PM on February 6, 2008

I enjoyed this post.
posted by sidereal at 4:35 PM on February 6, 2008

(for personal reasons)
posted by sidereal at 4:38 PM on February 6, 2008

The carousel at the abandoned amusement park had finally stopped spinning. The local children slept peacefully, thinking that the haunted ride would spin no more, blaring its ghastly yet oddly festive dirge. But, to their simultaneous shock and disgust but also barely concealed wunderlust, the old carousel again whirred to life. The same carnal mounts bobbed up and down, up and down, up and down, as they were revolved around on the filthy grey platform back to there original starting point again and again. All the while, the trance inducing blare of the festive ghastly dirge enticing the children to again mount the rotten old animals and submit to the illusion of changing perspectives as the carousel went round, cutting a subtle neat circular hole deep into the lowest regions of Hell.
posted by Burhanistan at 4:41 PM on February 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

I feel a lot better after typing that all out, I hve been there and done that, and
MeTa is not your personal diary.
posted by Count Ziggurat at 4:42 PM on February 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

No, I think she's being a jerk.
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 4:51 PM on February 6, 2008

Here's the deal: I think this is a flat abuse of a MeTa callout. It's one thing to bring it up if you think a question is bad or breaks the guidelines, and in such cases, it sometimes helps to link to MeTa in the thread. But it's by no means always helpful to post a link to a new MeTa post in-thread. In fact, sometimes it's a very, very bad idea.

Like here. If this was just a way to get around the guideline that says you can't accost the asker just because you don't like them by linking to the comment you wanted to make rather than making it yourself in the thread, it's bullshit. I think the link to MeTa in-thread should be deleted.

Seriously, if you're not allowed to say this stuff in the thread, why the fuck are you allowed to open a new MeTa for the sole purpose of linking this harangue in the thread? This shouldn't be allowed. If it's a bad question, call it out. If it isn't, let it stand. But for god's sake, let's please not let people say whatever the fuck they want in AskMe just by posting about it in MeTa and then linking their post.

What would we do if people started linking to random shit in AskMe, or to comments on their own blogs about how the questions being asked are stupid or berating the posters? We'd delete them. I don't see how this is any different. anaelith's sole comment in that thread, a link to this MeTa, should be deleted.
posted by koeselitz at 4:54 PM on February 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

hahahahahaha you are SO INVESTED in this college freshman drama!

maybe you should swipe her in for dinner on your meal card so you guys can talk about it!
posted by 1 at 4:55 PM on February 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

anaelith: Unfortunately, I've really got no interest in writing out a thoughtful, well-considered response that answers the question, so this is what you guys get instead. Sorry for, uh, killing the statistics? Or something.

You can't just say whatever the hell you want to anybody in AskMe using the handy trick of linking to it. If you wanted to say this, why the fuck did you link to this post in the AskMe thread? If it was here, at least it wouldn't disrupt the flow of what's going on there. Unless you meant to disrupt the flow of what's going on there.
posted by koeselitz at 4:57 PM on February 6, 2008

Well, hey, at least Steven C. Den Beste was spot-on!
posted by katillathehun at 4:57 PM on February 6, 2008