I need crack. | MetaTalk

At some point today, lost in the webs of metafilter, I came across a link to a page where a guy described seeing two men share a crack pipe then have sex with each other. There were photos too. I, ah, need to find it again. It's for a friend, I swear.
posted by twirlypen to MetaFilter-related at 2:13 AM (77 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

Maybe you got there from a blinking banner ad you saw while searching for a Photoshop CS2 serial crack?

No, I have no experience searching for crackz.
posted by Plutor at 3:20 AM on April 22

Can't find it on metafilter, but here...
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:23 AM on April 22 [4 favorites]

Ew.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:24 AM on April 22

Every time I feel like I understand how thoroughly Metafilter always delivers when a request is made, something like this happens and makes me reset the gauges.

I'd make some sort of comment about the contents of BrotherCaine's link, but I don't think there is anything... sayable there.
posted by blacklite at 3:28 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

If you can't find that particular recount of a bacchanal, this one has a similar theme.
posted by bunnytricks at 3:30 AM on April 22

Oh god damn it, beaten during preview.
posted by bunnytricks at 3:31 AM on April 22

Thank you BrotherCain. And sorry to everyone else who reads it.
posted by twirlypen at 3:43 AM on April 22

For thoroughness, it was the first link in this post.
posted by Plutor at 3:49 AM on April 22

For the love of god, white folks. It's WACK. As in WACKED out. WACKY. WHACK is the noise the flat of your hand makes when you slap it against a table.

Now write "CRACK IS WACK." 500× on the blackboard, or I'll whack you with a ruler.
posted by Eideteker at 4:24 AM on April 22 [6 favorites]

This is pretty much what the expression "Dude, WTF?" was invented to describe.
posted by Jofus at 4:30 AM on April 22

And while we're at it, it's WHOA. Woah is "woe-ah". Appending an h breaks the "oa" diphthong by stressing the a. The a is not aspirated; the w is. You don't have to pronounce it "hwoa", but for the love of god "WO-AH" makes no sense.
posted by Eideteker at 4:31 AM on April 22 [7 favorites]

I prefer "Crack is whack" to "Crack is wack" because I like being to enunciate that "h" while I say the phrase. "Crack is whack," I say, nodding sagaciously and sipping a fine cognac.
posted by Greg Nog at 4:35 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

Less than a minute after they left, the guy that lives in the house across the alley pulls up in his car and takes several shopping bags out and places them directly where the action had taken place. I am not sure if he could feel us watching him or if he could smell ass crack and crack, but he stood there for awhile looking puzzled.

Oh, god. This is why i love MetaFilter.
posted by liquorice at 4:39 AM on April 22

Holy crap I used to live within four blocks of that place...crack, you told me you'd left that neighborhood alone!
posted by kittyprecious at 4:52 AM on April 22

Perhaps it was someone recounting a recent meat-up.

*ducks to avoid rotten fruit*
posted by oxford blue at 5:22 AM on April 22

In related news: candy dandy.
posted by cortex at 6:40 AM on April 22

Also, liquor quicker.
But crack ist fastest.
posted by inigo2 at 7:27 AM on April 22

"Now write "CRACK IS WACK." 500× on the blackboard, or I'll whack you with a ruler."

Since we're going there, "×" does not mean "times;" it's a multiplication operator. When someone writes "I've done this 20×," it makes me want to kill a llama.

Operators without enough numbers to function correctly piss me off. It would make more sense to say "500×10," or something like that, but even "Now write 'CRACK IS WACK.' 5000 on the blackboard..." doesn't make sense, at least in the way you want it to.
posted by Viomeda at 7:36 AM on April 22

:(
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 7:40 AM on April 22

"×" does not mean "times;"

Try typing × into the comment window and see what the live preview shows you. =)
posted by Eideteker at 7:40 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

Operators without enough numbers to function correctly piss me off.

The world is not your mathematics lab. Such abbreviations are common in finance, marketing and other professional fields. So either allow yourself to be okay with such common shorthand or take blood pressure medication.

In either case, please leave the llamas alone.
posted by psmealey at 7:46 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

The world is not your mathematics lab
No, it's chemistry and cock-sucking facility it appears.
posted by Abiezer at 7:49 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

Within seconds of reading the last few comments, I got a spam e-mail (made it through my filters, ugh) from Domino's advertising a "2x Tuesday Deal" -- buy one large pizza, get a second free. Creepy!
posted by brain_drain at 7:50 AM on April 22

And then we can read about it in the New York ×.
posted by Karmakaze at 7:50 AM on April 22 [11 favorites]

psmealey: "So either allow yourself to be okay with such common shorthand or take blood pressure medication. "

Something tells me Viomeda was sarcastically over-nitpicking in order to mock Eideteker's own sarcastic nitpickery of the spelling of "woah" and "whack".
posted by Plutor at 7:51 AM on April 22

I'm entirely too literal today. Sorry, Viomedia. A 10^3 apologies.

No, it's chemistry and cock-sucking facility it appears.

I was so ready to laugh at this, but, upon a second read, I just couldn't make sense of it.
posted by psmealey at 7:58 AM on April 22

If you liked that, you might also like my favorite deleted thread, and its corresponding metatalk
posted by Reverend John at 8:00 AM on April 22

I was so ready to laugh at this, but, upon a second read, I just couldn't make sense of it.

I think the sentence is just missing an article, psmealey. Possibly from Cosmo, though I'm not ruling out High Times.
posted by cortex at 8:04 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

Alas, the sentence will probably remain without the article indefinitely.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:12 AM on April 22 [3 favorites]

You're probably right. That reminds me, I used to read Pravda in Russian just for the articles. No one believed me for some reason.
posted by psmealey at 8:19 AM on April 22 [3 favorites]

'Something tells me Viomeda was sarcastically over-nitpicking in order to mock Eideteker's own sarcastic nitpickery of the spelling of "woah" and "whack".'

Either way, it made me hot. Pedantry or sarcasm? Sounds like a win-win to me.
posted by Eideteker at 8:34 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

Wack is whack.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:40 AM on April 22

HOT PEDANTAL SARGASM ACTION
posted by cortex at 8:41 AM on April 22

You're probably right. That reminds me, I used to read Pravda in Russian just for the articles. No one believed me for some reason.

Ha, yes. Well, you know how the old Maxim goes. That's right: "Hillary Duff - from the Queen of Teen to breakout sex symbol".
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:47 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

Wow, that guy from Alf (in bunnytricks' link) must be one of the only crack addicts to still own a video camera, or any other small easily liquidated appliance for that matter.
posted by cosmonik at 8:50 AM on April 22

The first thing I thought when i saw the thread was, "Jesus, I can almost smell that guy's cock."

Then it struck me that that's the most unpleasant thought I'd ever had.

Then I thought, I definately shouldn't post that.

And now here I am, posting it. Funny old world.
posted by Jofus at 8:52 AM on April 22 [7 favorites]

I like how you were concerned earlier about how the site was down and it turns out this is what needed posting.
posted by cortex at 9:06 AM on April 22 [5 favorites]

Wow, so first they do some crack, then they have butt sex, and later, they fight a yeti.
posted by studentbaker at 9:22 AM on April 22

This is why I obsess about washing my hands after handling money.
posted by dawson at 9:25 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

cortex - Damn right. And that wasn't concern. That was panic.
posted by Jofus at 9:28 AM on April 22

Wow, so first they do some crack, then they have butt sex, and later, they fight a yeti.

That's outrageous and completely immoral!!! Don't they know that the yeti are endangered?
posted by psmealey at 9:30 AM on April 22

"Wow, so first they do some crack, then they have butt sex ~~, and later, they fight~~ with a yeti."

That's better.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:45 AM on April 22

Don't they know that the yeti are endangered?

This is obviously how yeti are engendered.
posted by carsonb at 9:49 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

Sad but true. I wonder if that's how the sasquatch went as well.
posted by psmealey at 9:54 AM on April 22

I'm thinking a yeti wouldn't submit to butt sex without a fight. Then again, crack is a hell of a drug.
posted by studentbaker at 9:59 AM on April 22

And while we're at it, it's WHOA. Woah is "woe-ah". Appending an h breaks the "oa" diphthong by stressing the a. The a is not aspirated; the w is. You don't have to pronounce it "hwoa", but for the love of god "WO-AH" makes no sense.

It's woah, as in Noah. But with a w.

Legend states that Noah was transporting most of the animals during the day, when the sun was out and the water was hot. This was fine for animals that could float, but the unicorn's horn shifts the animal's balance and swimming becomes impossible. The unicorns realized that death was inevitable and only the ark could keep their species alive. On the final day when the waters were the most turbulent, hundreds of unicorns dove into the water. They sacrificed themselves to form a unicorn bridge for the chosen pair. But as the chosen pair approached the ark, the storms increased their fury and the waters rose. The unicorns yelled Wait Noah! as they drowned, but their voices were muffled by the crash of waves and thunder:

"Wa..oah. Wai..ah. W..oah."
posted by theiconoclast31 at 10:06 AM on April 22

Wow. After all these years I should know better than to click links in threads like these. But no. Every damn time. And yet I've managed to avoid being rickrolled. How is that possible?
posted by FunkyHelix at 10:13 AM on April 22

And yet I've managed to avoid being rickrolled. How is that possible?

Well, usually to rickroll you want the link to be disguised as something that people want to see. "Jesus, I can almost smell that guy's cock" is not the first thing that springs to my mind as enticing a click.

It's like they say: you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but to catch the most flies you need SHIT.
posted by dirtdirt at 10:18 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]

MetaTalk: chemistry and cock-sucking.
posted by loquacious at 10:28 AM on April 22

MetaTalk: I can almost smell that guy's cock.
posted by psmealey at 10:31 AM on April 22

"Wa..oah. Wai..ah. W..oah."

Check your history book. They were actually saying "wimoweh"--only that night, the lion wasn't sleeping.
posted by kittyprecious at 10:38 AM on April 22

(It was EATING THE DROWNED UNICORN!!!!!thehorrorthehorror)
posted by kittyprecious at 10:39 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

You know what really grinds my gears?

Crack.

You are walking along, minding your own business, when you look down and see it, just right there on the ground. Crack.

I mean, you want to do something to hide it, because there are kids around and you don't want anything bad to happen, but damn it, when did it become your job to police your neighborhood? Isn't that what the Department of Public Works is for? To cover up all these cracks?

What happens when a kid steps on it and breaks his mother's back? Huh? Now I've got that on my conscience.

Fucking crack.
posted by quin at 10:48 AM on April 22 [5 favorites]

Holy dear sweet Jesus and baby Jesus...

The picture of the homeowner at the end redeems the entire blog post. His expression is the perfect combination of fear, consumer frustration, and resigned apathy.
posted by Pastabagel at 10:51 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

And yet I've managed to avoid being rickrolled.

The force is strong in this one.
posted by cortex at 11:11 AM on April 22 [4 favorites]

Holy dear sweet Jesus and baby Jesus...

Those are their street names. Sweet Jesus and Baby Jesus. Baby Jesus wears diapers, Sweet Jesus is that mellow guy who gives you crack. Why have I waited for the whole day to get home and click that link? Am I now satisfied or disappointed? Am I now closer to understanding holiness and sin? What's this weird smell?
posted by Free word order! at 11:38 AM on April 22

I hear the word "crack" and I'm transported to an old Saturday Night Live sketch with Ackroyd flashing his ass at the camera, playing some kind of plumber.
Nothing gold can stay.
posted by Dizzy at 11:44 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

Quelle horreur!
posted by Mister_A at 11:51 AM on April 22

I saw a scene really quite similar to this once, down near the River Clyde in Glasgow, only it was a man and a woman, and they were smoking heroin.

When the bloke saw me looking, he somehow misinterpreted my aghast expression for one of lust, and offered me 'a go' on the woman for £10.

Ah, memories.
posted by jack_mo at 12:36 PM on April 22

Kind of an interesting conversation, but I wonder why this sort of thing is posted on MetaFilter. It's just gross.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:04 PM on April 22

Just a go on the woman, jackmo? The least he could have done was throw in a toot of his foil to sweeten the deal...
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:07 PM on April 22

This craic is mighty, indeed.
posted by meehawl at 2:52 PM on April 22

Well I not only followed these links, but the old link as posted by Reverend John. My, it's been an odd ten minutes.
posted by ob at 4:40 PM on April 22

Once, at the Famous Bookstore I work at. We got the bottom of a load of used books and we found a crack pipe. The seller denied it was hers. Sure thing, honey.
posted by jonmc at 6:20 PM on April 22

OK , I've checked that link out; now I need something that's the hetero-equivalent to balance things out - just to keep things on a "fair and balanced keel" - (as Fox "News" would say). TechnoViking just doesn't cut it. Anyone?
posted by webhund at 7:17 PM on April 22

webhund, how about One Pup, Two Squirrels?
posted by maxwelton at 7:36 PM on April 22

Every time I see examples of the desperation of crack and crystal meth addicts I think of Iced by Ray Shell, a fictional journal of a man descending into crack addiction (inb4 cortex makes 'descending into crack' joke) which recounts several such harrowing moments.

What disturbs me most is the banality of sex-for-drugs in these people's lives.
posted by cosmonik at 8:11 PM on April 22 [1 favorite]

'descending into crack'

lol
posted by cortex at 8:41 PM on April 22

Man, the "cortex" bot is getting really predictable, isn't it?
posted by dersins at 9:00 PM on April 22

What disturbs me most is the banality of sex-for-drugs in these people's lives.

Why? Would you rather they have thrilling and adventurous sex-for-drugs?
posted by Avenger at 9:02 PM on April 22 [1 favorite]

I had a young friend in collage days who had a crush on a lovely named Dawn. Using a Southern saying, I punned that he'd love to get up the crack of dawn. The funny part was a few weeks later when he was riding with his pastor dad on a home visit and mentioned the girl and said, 'yeah, I sure would like to get up the crack of Dawn', and that's when the other meaning hit him and he peed his pants. What he thought was funny about it when he wasn't getting it I never knew.
posted by dawson at 10:16 PM on April 22

Why? Would you rather they have thrilling and adventurous sex-for-drugs?

I can't tell whether you're being cheeky or not (inb4 cortex 'cheek' joke?) but I meant 'banality' not as in boring and unadventurous, but as in commonplace, a regular occurrence, nothing major, just another part of life. Instead of 'holy shit I'm selling my body to feed my dependence on a chemical substance'.

And that disturbs the hell out of me.
posted by cosmonik at 11:48 PM on April 22

jack_mo: "I saw a scene really quite similar to this once, down near the River Clyde in Glasgow, only it was a man and a woman, and they were smoking heroin.
When the bloke saw me looking, he somehow misinterpreted my aghast expression for one of lust, and offered me 'a go' on the woman for £10.
Ah, memories."

So, how was she?
posted by dg at 12:31 AM on April 23

There's a $20, same as in town joke looming here, but I can't work it out...

PeterMcDermott writes 'The least he could have done was throw in a toot of his foil to sweeten the deal...'

I've always been keen to avoid the horse. Rather too moreish, I hear.
posted by jack_mo at 2:05 AM on April 23

I need crack. April 22, 2008 2:13 AM Subscribe

I need crack.
April 22, 2008 2:13 AM Subscribe