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askparisparamus@gmail.com, if that is his email account) telling me to "quit mocking" the new account. He should be given a fair chance at a new day, but his denials and odd behavior are, to me, off.StevenInBrooklyn, aka ParisParamusAwesome.
BrooklynCouch@aol.com
PIZZAPOCALYPSE 2008
The Associated Pizza. By Luigi Mario. May 28th, 2008.
They say it came from the skies. And it did. First one giant pizza, then dozens, and millions. Some estimates have measure pizzas 500 miles in diameter blanketing entire metropolitian world cities. Tokyo, Paris, Amsterdam, New York City, Mexico City. According to reports, no major city is spared from this terrible - if tasty - catastrophe of unprecedented scope. There are confirmed reports of smaller cities also suffering under the crisp, just slightly oily baked dough, with smaller pies spanning dozens of miles covering everything as far as the eye can see.
One man, wearing an odd hat and self-identified only as "New Jersey" - claimed that the pizza was indeed "delicious". He went on to give a first-hand account of the moments after the pizzas landed."My house is smashed to rubble. It's just a pile of bricks. I think my son is in there. I can't raise the Irregulars on my comlink, and there's not a single peep out of them on the Hydrogen channel. If I can't make contact with them, humanity is certainly doomed. But this pizza is so fucking delicious I just don't care anymore. Look at me. I've got cheese in every damn hole in my head. I had to swim out of my collapsed basement through a sea of the sweetest, tangiest tomato sauce I've ever tasted. I think the one that landed on my house is some kind of mushroom-sausage-artichoke combo with prosciutto. My only hope is that my son gets to taste some. I know he'll die happy and at peace then. Oh, oh my God I can't help it, it's just so good oh help me...."Mr. Jersey then reinforced this last point by producing a machete and a wheelbarrow. Hacking wildly through the three-foot thick crust, the two or three foot thick blanket of molten cheese and risking severe burns or drowning as the tomato sauce came pouring out like a tsunami, he skillfully wrangled the giant sloppy cube of pizza into a waiting wheelbarrow where he set upon it like a ravenous dog eating an ice cream cone. This scene of a people eating something much larger then their heads was repeating itself all around me, over and over again up and down the endless plains and hills of pizza which must obscure what must be an appalling scene of destruction beneath.
Under millions of megatons of hot, delicious pizza the ruins of human civilization itself lay in shambles as survivors claw, chew and eat their way out of their collapsed homes and business. Few places seem to be left untouched. Even all the antarctic research stations report being attacked by giant "BBQ-Chicken Hawaiian Style" pizzas, which they seem to be very happy about except for it making their stock of beer way too warm for once.
Beer. People are clamoring for lakes of beer, soda, lemonade and - oddly - glasses of cold milk. There are reports of a brewery being looted, of people making edible rafts of pizza and floating in the brewing tanks, only stopping once they've eaten all of their raft of pizza, only to hack out a new raft and start all over again. There's wild gossip and rumor in the streets. People want to know how this happened, and why, and if it were possible to send some giant comets made of ranch dressing, or a meteor storm of pickled pepperoncini, or perhaps some red pepper or flaked parmigiano.
Already, there are cargo cults forming. Some protests have focused on the lack of hotwings, and others are loudly proclaiming that the real terrors are still yet to come in the form of gigantic calzones or a scorching hot tsunami of lasagna from space. One child was found wailing repeatedly "I thought the Ninja Turtles were real? Where are they now? OH TRULY THERE IS NO GOD" while clutching small green dolls and absently nibbling on a long rope of cheese that coiled around him like a security blanket.
The governments of the world are airlifting antacids to key population centers for distribution, calling on every citizen to do their duty and start eating like an American at a buffet. Today, for the first time ever no one in the world is hungry. Many are missing, many more injured but oh I can't fucking take it any more I need to eat some more of that pizza I quit om nom nomnomnom
anyone could "possibly" be named SteveWhatever, Steve.
Not me, because my name is Tom.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:37 PM on May 28 [+] [!]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:38 PM on May 28 [1 favorite]