AskMe is NOT an adoption service. June 7, 2008 12:59 PM   Subscribe

I adore konolia and have defended her before, but her comment in this thread is intolerable.

"If for any reason you don't go through with this I know a couple here in NC that are looking to adopt a child."

I realize it will soon be deleted, and I realize she's probably just hopped up from that other abortion post in the blue, but this sort of abuse of AskMe is the sort of thing that gives newcomers a really bastardized (no pun intended) idea of how to participate in this community, and I think as a member-in-long-standing, konolia owes anonymous a big apology.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] to Etiquette/Policy at 12:59 PM (45 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

I agree with [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST], except for the part about adoring Konolia.

Konolia's passive-aggressive moralistic grandstanding is a reall tasteless intrusion into a thread in which the person has obviously made a painful decision.

Imagine if someone posted a question to the effect of, "I'm about to be baptized in my Episcopal church this weekend, and I can't decide whether to invite my estranged mother."

And then someone chimes in with, "If you are ever interested in converting to Mormonism, I know an excellent church you should consider." Konolia's answer is just as nonresponsive.
posted by jayder at 1:04 PM on June 7, 2008 [11 favorites]


Abort! Abort! This thread's gonna blow!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:06 PM on June 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


Honestly I don't think konolia's answer is all that bad. It is off-topic and should probably be deleted for that reason, but I think it's obviously well meant and it doesn't seem like something worth getting riled up about.
posted by tkolar at 1:07 PM on June 7, 2008 [3 favorites]


If it's not that bad, then surely she should just write that comment on a big posterboard and go stand outside a clinic. I'm sure no one will be riled.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 1:09 PM on June 7, 2008 [11 favorites]


Like it or not, people DO in fact change their mind about abortion. I think her comment was off-topic and flagged it as such, but someone saying "hey, if you don't want to get an abortion, adoption is an option" is stating the truth with a minimum (if any) amount of anti-abortion spin.

That's a far cry from screaming "baby killer!" in front of Planned Parenthood.
posted by sondrialiac at 1:14 PM on June 7, 2008 [3 favorites]


I think you may be over-reacting, even though the comment will probably get deleted as a non-helpful answer.
posted by Dave Faris at 1:15 PM on June 7, 2008


"I know someone who wants a child" is probably about the least inflammatory poster that someone has help up outside a clinic.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:15 PM on June 7, 2008 [4 favorites]


Before you abort that comment, consider that there is a nice couple in NC willing to adopt it.
posted by found missing at 1:15 PM on June 7, 2008 [12 favorites]


Umm, actually a respectful sign saying "If for any reason you decide not to have an abortion, we can help with an adoption" would be welcome on the interior billboard of most clinics, probably placed there by the staff.
posted by tkolar at 1:16 PM on June 7, 2008 [8 favorites]


what would be intolerable would have been if she had condemned it and not offered any help - anon is free to take or ignore her advice or her view on what the question she is trying to answer means
posted by pyramid termite at 1:17 PM on June 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


it's obviously well meant and it doesn't seem like something worth getting riled up about.

I don't think it's obviously well-meant. I think it's just as likely an attempt to shove the pro-life perspective in the face of Anonymous. It is a cyber-picketing.

Umm, actually a respectful sign saying "If for any reason you decide not to have an abortion, we can help with an adoption" would be welcome on the interior billboard of most clinics, probably placed there by the staff.

I'm pretty sure that's bullshit.
posted by jayder at 1:21 PM on June 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


Are we meant to believe that konolia seriously thought the OP was going to be all, like, "Yeah, actually, you know what? I'm going to reverse my difficult decision on the basis of a random internet comment and then give up my baby to some random friends of the random internet commenter?" Of course not. She was just seizing the opportunity to promote her viewpoint, thereby adding in however microscopic a way to the misery and suffering for which the so-called pro-life movement is responsible.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 1:23 PM on June 7, 2008 [33 favorites]


Oh, the comment is gone now.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 1:26 PM on June 7, 2008


Q: "Any good vegan restaurants in London?"

A: "If you're looking for a great steakhouse, I know a couple here in NC..."
posted by Sys Rq at 1:27 PM on June 7, 2008 [19 favorites]


It's true that women change their minds about abortions all the time, but the poster doesn't seem to reveal whiff of hesitation, and she's not offering that facet of the situation up for discussion. She's simply asking, "In the wake of my impending decision, is it right to do X?" Given the difficult event that awaits anonymous, a meddlesome remark on adoption is virtually tone-deaf to the sensitivity that the poster's questions demands of us.
posted by zoomorphic at 1:28 PM on June 7, 2008 [2 favorites]


What is the point of this thread? It was a crass comment by someone renowned for them. Ignore. No?
posted by ORthey at 1:28 PM on June 7, 2008


I really wholeheartedly disagree that this is not a vulgar and inflammatory comment.

Abortion is a difficult issue to discuss anywhere, but especially on MetaFilter. Konolia knows this, and I was actually impressed at her restraint in the Roe vs. Wade thread (though I haven't checked it in a couple hours).

Offering such a far-fetched and unhelpful response to a thread on a very delicate matter-- in which the poster clearly has made up her mind and whose problem has nothing to do with her decision re: the fate of her pregnancy-- requires either shocking naivety, or a willingness to bargain that the fallout from her provocative comment will be worthwhile if it sways the poster from her decision. Or both.

We're not dealing with a n00b here. We're dealing with someone who knows what flies here and what doesn't, who still decided to make a grab at a vulnerable person's conscience and give it a good hard yank.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 1:29 PM on June 7, 2008 [3 favorites]


Devil's (or God's? kidding) advocate here.

Konolia probably sees this as an opportunity to save a life. She raised the opportunity in a hostile environment and was gracious about it, and for this I commend her. Ire at konolia is (justifiably) caused by other comments she's made in other threads. It's uncharitable to read it as passive aggressive.

In the world of difficult decisions, hearing about specific other options is probably helpful to people.

I flagged the comment and responses because it's a derail.

If I were konolia I would have mailed the admins with my comment, although I am extremely doubtful they would have passed it on as they generally don't know the identity of the anon questioner (please correct me if I'm wrong here.)

I think the sensible thing to do is to email an anon poster with the anon poster's anon email account. I strongly suggest that the anonymous question form encourage posters to do this, listing links of good throwaway accounts or even setting up an anon MeMail box for the question if this is technically possible.
posted by By The Grace of God at 1:31 PM on June 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


Oh, the comment is gone now.

Job done. So unless we want to turn this into a Konoliafest, mayhaps the mods can close the thread.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:31 PM on June 7, 2008


Are we so completely intolerant of perspectives that might disagree with our own, that other community members can't even state, in simple, non-judgmental ways, their own point of view without the sky falling?
posted by Dave Faris at 1:33 PM on June 7, 2008 [6 favorites]


Job done. So unless we want to turn this into a Konoliafest, mayhaps the mods can close the thread.

I'd like her have the option of apologizing here to anonymous, since she can't via mefimail. If she feels like it. So naturally, I vote for open.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 1:33 PM on June 7, 2008


Job done.

But, if the goal was simply to have the comment removed, one could have flagged it and moved on.
posted by found missing at 1:34 PM on June 7, 2008


Dave Faris, if the question was, "hey, should I have an abortion?" that would be a valid comment, but it doesn't really seem appropriate there, as it is not an answer to the poster's question. I realize it's well meant, but it's way judgier than I thought AskMefi was supposed to be. Eh, it's gone now anyway.
posted by SoftRain at 1:35 PM on June 7, 2008


Are we so completely intolerant of perspectives that might disagree with our own, that other community members can't even state, in simple, non-judgmental ways, their own point of view without the sky falling?

It's not a question of intolerance, but whether the answer applies to the question. It doesn't answer the question, it is offensive, and it should be removed (and was removed) on that basis.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:38 PM on June 7, 2008


The mention of a couple seeking adoption was pretty bad, but maybe at the furthest reaches of my imagination I can maybe see that a mild mention of adoption in a thread mentioning abortion could maybe be done if you didn't step on any toes, but this wasn't the right thread nor the right time.
posted by mathowie (staff) at 1:38 PM on June 7, 2008


Fuck "well meant". Konolia knows fully well what sort of response she is inciting by posting that sort of bad faith comment. She is intentionally starting shit, and acting like she isn't, or apologists acting like she isn't are deluded or dishonest or both.

And yes, the comment was made in BAD FAITH. That poor couple. If only there were children in North Carolina who they could adopt.
posted by dirtdirt at 1:39 PM on June 7, 2008 [8 favorites]


Are we so completely intolerant of perspectives that might disagree with our own, that other community members can't even state, in simple, non-judgmental ways, their own point of view without the sky falling?

The judgement is implied, based on her history. The OP didn't say "Should I have an abortion?"; she is decided on her course of action and is asking about something tangential. konolia's comment did not address the question.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:40 PM on June 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


Are we so completely intolerant of perspectives that might disagree with our own, that other community members can't even state, in simple, non-judgmental ways, their own point of view without the sky falling?

Of course not. But -- as you know damn well -- that's not what AskMe is for.
posted by scody at 1:40 PM on June 7, 2008


I don't disagree with the deletion -- it was a non-answer. This call-out, and a demand for a public apology is going overboard, though.
posted by Dave Faris at 1:40 PM on June 7, 2008 [5 favorites]


That's a pretty disgusting comment. But this is Konolia we're talking about, so disgusting is pretty much par for the course.
posted by puke & cry at 1:43 PM on June 7, 2008 [7 favorites]


Are we so completely intolerant of perspectives that might disagree with our own, that other community members can't even state, in simple, non-judgmental ways, their own point of view without the sky falling?

Intolerance has nothing to do with it, it was completely off-topic and totally insensitive. The OP has made her decision and none of our personal opinions about abortions matter. The OP gave no indication that she was wavering about the decision (or even that it was a painful or difficult decision - it isn't for everyone)
posted by missmagenta at 1:47 PM on June 7, 2008


Oh, the comment is gone now.

Job done. So unless we want to turn this into a Konoliafest, mayhaps the mods can close the thread.


Seconded. What she said was against the guidelines, the comment was removed, and we can all move on. I'm sure dozens of comments are deleted everyday without a MeTa poking the deleted comment's author. I'm not sure why this case should be any different.

If ya'll really want a referendum on konolia's beliefs or character, just hop into a Blue thread where she has no problems expressing her views and have at it. There certainly is no shortage of "shouting down the minority opinion" in the Blue.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 1:49 PM on June 7, 2008


I'm conflicted here. Part of me thinks this call-out is well deserved. Not only did the response have no bearing on the question being asked, making it completely unhelpful and a flagrant misuse of AskMe, but it was extremely patronizing to boot. As if it never would have occurred to the OP that not having an abortion was an available option to her had konolia not brought it up.

On the other hand, I've been around here long enough now to realize that konolia seems to thrive on this kind of negative attention, where she gets to play the martyr defending herself against the angry majority, that I can't help but feel this call-out plays right into her hands.
posted by The Gooch at 1:51 PM on June 7, 2008 [2 favorites]


There certainly is no shortage of "shouting down the minority opinion" in the Blue.

Can we stop with that shit? Seriously. This isn't about Konolia's opinion, it's about her not answering the fucking question and being offensive about it to anonymous.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:54 PM on June 7, 2008


Did you somehow miss the first paragraph of my comment where I quoted YOU and agreed? Seriously?
posted by SeizeTheDay at 1:56 PM on June 7, 2008


konolia seems to thrive on this kind of negative attention, where she gets to play the martyr defending herself against the angry majority, that I can't help but feel this call-out plays right into her hands.

Exactly. Her comment was appropriately deleted, so I think this should be closed now, otherwise my magic mefi 8-ball tells me that the mods will have yet another endless konolia thread on their hands for the weekend.
posted by scody at 1:57 PM on June 7, 2008


The remark in question has been deleted.

Unwad panties and return tray tables to upright and locked positions.

Mods, please close this thread.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:03 PM on June 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


It was totally off-topic; konolia should (and I'd figure by now in fact does) know better than to just jam a non-response into an AskMe thread like that, so I agree that it was pretty lame especially in a pretty unambiguous context like this. Please don't do that again, konolia.

That said, I think it's not so great to start a callout to demand an apology (I can't think of a time when that has really gone well or left anybody happy), and clearly there's a big spectrum of opinion here on what her motivations are or might be that are kind of impossible to pin down to some objective analysis of the situation. Barring that, we're left with a thread where either (a) konolia does show up and shit gets wound up accordingly, or (b) konolia doesn't show up and everybody just speculates over what she thought or meant and argues with each other about her in absentia.

We can totally leave this open if folks see productive or useful potential in here and things don't get ugly or out-of-hand, but right now it doesn't seem like there's a lot of good to come of it.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:03 PM on June 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


By The Grace of God: I am correcting you because you are wrong here. Anon questions have to get approved by a mod before they go up.

Speaking of mods, please close this thread please close this thread please close this thread please close this thread...
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 2:03 PM on June 7, 2008


YAY LAST
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 2:04 PM on June 7, 2008


Please stop piling on konolia. if not for her sake, than because you will be 100 percent much fucking happer if you aren't negative on people. I am learning this through experience.
posted by By The Grace of God at 2:04 PM on June 7, 2008 [7 favorites]


We can totally leave this open if folks see productive or useful potential in here

Ha! Yea right!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:05 PM on June 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


Fine, go ahead and close it; she surely would have shown up by now if she had anything to say.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 2:07 PM on June 7, 2008


if folks see productive or useful potential in here

DO NOT SEE
posted by scody at 2:09 PM on June 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


Alrighty then.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:10 PM on June 7, 2008 [1 favorite]


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