Ask-A-Rama

January 11, 2009 4:44 PM

Please Sir, could we have a free-for-all, ask-any-dumb-question-you-like thread?

I'm dying to know why bacon doesn't come in a resealable package, but I don't want to waste one of my precious AskMe questions to ask something that really isn't that important to me, and it occurred to me that many members may have questions that aren't that all-fired important to them. So could we just have a sort of clearing house? A thread where everyone can ask and answer without all the AskMe rules?

posted by Secret Life of Gravy to etiquette/policy at 4:44 PM (635 comments total)

Good lord no.
posted by Diskeater at 4:45 PM on January 11

There's more to the internet than Metafilter, you know.
posted by Burhanistan at 4:46 PM on January 11 [5 favorites]

Is this that thread?
posted by fixedgear at 4:46 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Is this that thread?

Was that a meta-question? Are those allowed?
posted by Burhanistan at 4:48 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

A stitch in time saves nine what?
posted by netbros at 4:48 PM on January 11

What could possibly convince me that this is a good idea?
posted by box at 4:50 PM on January 11

Nine more stitches because you're junk ain't all ripped up, of course.
posted by Burhanistan at 4:50 PM on January 11 [5 favorites]

Sounds like you need some BBQ.
posted by CKmtl at 4:51 PM on January 11

Follow-up question: what is in this for me, besides a headache?
posted by jessamyn at 4:52 PM on January 11 [19 favorites]

I'm dying to know why bacon doesn't come in a resealable package,

It does. Mission accomplished!
posted by Miko at 4:52 PM on January 11

Awesome Bacon Questions?
posted by seanyboy at 4:52 PM on January 11

what is in this for me, besides a headache

MAJOR karma points.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:53 PM on January 11

More Cooter.
posted by buzzman at 4:53 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Yeah, let's just make this thread the one.

Here's my stupid question: wtf is up with cats? I mean, seriously? We feed them and care for them and pick up their crap and they thank us how exactly? By ignoring us.

Vote NO on cats in '09.
posted by mathowie at 4:54 PM on January 11 [19 favorites]

and they thank us how exactly?

They allow you to pet them until they tire of you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:56 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

Matt, if you weren't always putting them in that scanner, they'd like you a lot more.
posted by Caduceus at 4:57 PM on January 11 [21 favorites]

Dogz rule.
posted by netbros at 4:57 PM on January 11

What else is on?
posted by hermitosis at 5:02 PM on January 11

Who came up with ghey? Was it quonsar?
posted by Mister_A at 5:05 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

They thank us by keeping us entertained with their crazy antics. Phineas the house-feline would like to add that they keep our computer mouse toasty warm by draping themselves over it.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:05 PM on January 11

The?
posted by mullacc at 5:06 PM on January 11

amirite?
posted by found missing at 5:07 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

How many watts will the 20-30 million digital converter boxes draw when the all the new fancy modern efficient amazing fantastic transition to digital TV signal process happens?
posted by buzzman at 5:09 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

The?

Definitely.
posted by Caduceus at 5:09 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

because if you have to reseal the package, then that means you're not cooking all the bacon.
and if you're not cooking all the bacon, you're doing it wrong.

mmmm bacon.
posted by NoraCharles at 5:14 PM on January 11 [22 favorites]

What was going on in those eggs threads this morning?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:15 PM on January 11

Nora is some kind of genus.
posted by Mister_A at 5:15 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

I approve this request! Last evening I saw that Willie Nelson's Wiki had him born in 1813 in Kabul, working as a male stripper in high school and all sorta of other weird stuff (seriously, but it's fixed now.). I did not want to waste my question on that, but I did wonder what to do. I poked around the site there for a hint and nada. This Willie affront irked me greatly. Almost wrote Jess, but drank another bottle of wine instead.
What about a limit of 50 questons a year, or maybe 4 a month, but you can ask again in, say, 24 hours? Please?
"what a waste!", you say, "it's just the internet!" you say. Well fuck you man!
posted by dawson at 5:17 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

First, bacon does not need to come in a resealable package. You fry it all up and eat it. It's bacon, right???

Second, cats ignoring you is a feature, not a bug. They aren't like slobbery stinky dogs that bother you and whine and insist on attention all the stinking time.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:17 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Why the hell do my upper back, neck and shoulder all hurt, but only on the right side??
posted by Stewriffic at 5:17 PM on January 11

Oh, and why on earth did the Carolina Panthers choke so bad yesterday? It was a home game, too, for cryin' out loud!!!!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:18 PM on January 11

What was going on in those eggs threads this morning?
Fab question. I saw the AskMe one first and was very very confused.
posted by Stewriffic at 5:18 PM on January 11

Why don't you favorite this comment?
posted by ob at 5:20 PM on January 11 [14 favorites]

What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
posted by C17H19NO3 at 5:21 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

How do they turn those giant fruits into those teeny tiny skittles?
posted by pwally at 5:24 PM on January 11

Why the hell do my upper back, neck and shoulder all hurt, but only on the right side??

It's the cats
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:24 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

What's the annual carbon footprint for all of my Metafilter usage?
posted by kuujjuarapik at 5:27 PM on January 11

pwally: "How do they turn those giant fruits into those teeny tiny skittles?"

Dedicated monks with enormous forearms.
posted by Science! at 5:27 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Where am I going, and why am I in this handbasket?
posted by chowflap at 5:27 PM on January 11 [10 favorites]

What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?

I'll put my right arm in.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:28 PM on January 11 [5 favorites]

Has anybody seen my socks?
posted by jonmc at 5:28 PM on January 11

Here's my question:

Where did all this bacon nonsense start, anyway?
I see it all over reddit, and now it's spreading here, to blogs, to Facebook. How did this start?!?!?
posted by niles at 5:28 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

My bacon comes in a resealable package. Buy better bacon.
posted by jessamyn at 5:29 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

In that Kings of Leon song where they repeatedly say "your sex is on fire", are they deliberately trying to sound like a porn-comic dominatrix encountering a wetter-than-expected vagina, or is that just an accident? Has anybody asked the band about this?
posted by equalpants at 5:30 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

St Alia - HELL yes. Stupid dogs and their clingy needy insecurity. Cats are self-confident, yo.
posted by Phire at 5:31 PM on January 11

What the hell does the epigraph "Only connect!" mean, anyway?
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:33 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

If, in the process of helping to transport nuclear material via ship, a storm came up, shipwrecking you and glowy stuff alone on a deserted island with no food. Eventually some of your body is mutated into bacon. Do you eat yourself? Would it matter what part of your body it was? Would you cut off thick or thin slices?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:36 PM on January 11

What's the deal with airplane peanuts?
posted by Joe Beese at 5:36 PM on January 11

Has tellurian regained consciousness yet?
posted by gman at 5:39 PM on January 11

In the movie A Simple Plan (spoiler!), the federal agent tells the Paxton character that they were able to record the serial numbers of one-out-of-ten of the bills. In the real world, how quickly would the feds actually track you down if you started spending that money?
posted by maxwelton at 5:40 PM on January 11

I find young idealistic people annoying. Is it permissible to beat some sense into them?
posted by jonmc at 5:43 PM on January 11

What's the deal with airplane peanuts?

Never mind that-- what's the deal with the warning on them that says "Warning: Contains Peanuts?" I'm all like "No Shit!" Amirite?
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:44 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

my bacon comes in a single-serving, seventy-two ounce package: no need for reseal.
posted by popechunk at 5:51 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

how can I cook excellent meals without heat, water, ingredients, pots or space?
posted by dawson at 5:52 PM on January 11 [7 favorites]

Who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop?
Also, is there a kind or color of kitten that cobras can't palate?
posted by carsonb at 5:53 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Can marijuana be a replacement for cigarettes? What I mean by that is, say I had enough of it, and I smoked a joint for every time I wanted to smoke a cigarette, would this help me quit smoking cigarettes?
posted by Grlnxtdr at 5:53 PM on January 11

> I don't want to waste one of my precious AskMe questions

You get another one in seven days. Are you in such poor shape that you expect to make all 52 possible askme posts this year?
posted by ardgedee at 5:55 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

GrInxtdr: I'm not saying it would work for everybody, but I've got a couple friends who quit smoking tobacco that way. One of them, though, went from being a weekend weed smoker to a, like, hardcore stay-high stoner.
posted by box at 5:58 PM on January 11

Do you like stuff?
posted by gman at 5:58 PM on January 11

How did this start?!?!?

I'm pretty sure it's because bacon is delicious.
posted by Caduceus at 6:01 PM on January 11

Who was that masked man?
posted by evilcolonel at 6:03 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Why don't we have any good flameouts on MeTa these days? And I do mean good flameouts, the kind where everybody grabs their pitchforks, and banhammers of Thor start coming out? The kind where the Scooby Gang outs someone, the kind with unrepentant idiots, the kind where we don't dismiss the unrepentant idiots because they are what they are but instead poke and prod them?

Where else am I supposed to go to get my doses of schadenfreude? I am seriously missing my recommended daily allowance, and most if not all of the flameouts in recent months have just been L-A-M-E. Seriously.

Also, if we're not going to have awesome MeTa threads full of wonderful vitriol any time soon, can you point me to the best of MeTa? You know, the threads where people just went completely haywire, or the ones where the good people of MeFi got biblical on some dude's ass, or the ones where the Scooby Gang solved the mystery through hard work and determination?

I mean, I know that if I really wanted constant vitriol, I could join one of those wedding-planning communities on LiveJournal. But ... why would I do that when the people here are so much funnier and more interesting?
posted by brina at 6:03 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Where are my keys?
posted by thivaia at 6:03 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

See a therapist about your bacon.
posted by fire&wings at 6:04 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

And isn't it about time for the 80's fashion revival to end?
posted by thivaia at 6:04 PM on January 11

Do you like stuff?

No.
posted by jonmc at 6:04 PM on January 11

What's up with gas prices?
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:05 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

What is this sharp radiating pain in my left arm, and why does it feel like there's a ton of bricks on my chest? I'd put this question in AskMe, but I've used up my question for the week. Hopefully this can wait.
posted by blue_beetle at 6:05 PM on January 11 [6 favorites]

Where did all this bacon nonsense start, anyway?

someone thought he'd ham it up
posted by pyramid termite at 6:08 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

It's a perigee full moon out there. If statistics show that there is more crime/accidents/mayhem during full moons, then why? Is it really have anything to do with the moon or is it because a full moon is reflecting more solar radiation than a darker moon. Is it solar radiation that is making us nuts and the moon is simply a reflector?
posted by Burhanistan at 6:11 PM on January 11

I have a question.

When will I be loved?
posted by adipocere at 6:13 PM on January 11

Where, oh where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over and I thought I found true love.
You met another and ptthpt! you were gone.
posted by ardgedee at 6:13 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?
posted by Sys Rq at 6:15 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

When will I be loved?

$20, same as in town.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:16 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

i stabbed myself in the leg with a pair of scissors while running and now it's green and 3 times as big as it was and stinks real bad - also, i dropped my cigarette under the bed and now that's on fire - and there's this cooked bacon that's been sitting out for a couple of days

should i see a doctor about my leg? - should i just take the scissors and cut off my leg? - should i be worried about the bed on fire? - (i'm on it by the way) - if i hold the bacon over the fire under the bed will it be cooked before i am and will it be safe to eat? - should i forget about eating the bacon and just hold my leg over the fire until it falls off? - if it's fallen off, will it be cooked and will it be ok to eat? - will it taste anything like bacon?
posted by pyramid termite at 6:16 PM on January 11 [8 favorites]

i stabbed myself in the leg with a pair of scissors while running and now it's green and 3 times as big as it was and stinks real bad - also, i dropped my cigarette under the bed and now that's on fire - and there's this cooked bacon that's been sitting out for a couple of days

should i see a doctor about my leg? - should i just take the scissors and cut off my leg? - should i be worried about the bed on fire? - (i'm on it by the way) - if i hold the bacon over the fire under the bed will it be cooked before i am and will it be safe to eat? - should i forget about eating the bacon and just hold my leg over the fire until it falls off? - if it's fallen off, will it be cooked and will it be ok to eat? - will it taste anything like bacon?

Yes.
posted by gman at 6:18 PM on January 11

Will this turd bomb thread make 1000 comments?
posted by Burhanistan at 6:20 PM on January 11

what's behind the green door?
posted by dawson at 6:21 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Is it solar radiation that is making us nuts and the moon is simply a reflector?

Well, ferinstance, I can see what's in your backyard. Did you have to go putting that big chain on your barbeque? You really expect me to fry my bacon in a pan like a goddamned peasant?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 6:27 PM on January 11

What is this sharp radiating pain in my left arm...?
bacon doesn't love you as much as you love bacon
posted by woodway at 6:28 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

Why do psychedelic drugs when there's already the Internet?
posted by gman at 6:29 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Why does this thread exist?

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why?
posted by burnmp3s at 6:33 PM on January 11

When will I, will I be famous?
[silence from askme]
When will I see my picture in the papers?
[silence from askme]
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:33 PM on January 11

How did those people get those cats in their scanners?
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:34 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

If Pittsburgh and Philly make the Super Bowl, will the ensuing in-state feud be the spark that ignites the Second Civil War, or will the Eagles find yet another way to blow it?
posted by dw at 6:36 PM on January 11

Why is it so difficult for me to read John Donne's poetry? I can read other poetry of the period without trouble, and once I force myself to stay with it I enjoy Donne's verse, but on first reading of a Donne poem my eyes instinctively skip away like a rock slid across ice.

Does this happen to anyone else?
posted by winna at 6:37 PM on January 11

Why do those idiot linkedin.com LIONs bother me so damn much?
posted by Pants! at 6:37 PM on January 11

Where's a riot when we need one?
posted by jonmc at 6:39 PM on January 11

Oh man, burnmp3, you missed my favorite!
posted by metabrilliant at 6:39 PM on January 11

Why did it take so long for someone to pair bacon with chocolate?
posted by mds35 at 6:40 PM on January 11

Where oh where can my Dominos be,
where oh where can it be?
I ordered it more than a half hour ago,
why won't they bring it to me, to me?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:41 PM on January 11

How many times do I have to try to tell you that I'm sorry for the things I've done?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 6:42 PM on January 11

Why do companies that make cat food market so many flavors of "Seafood"? Most cats hate water.
Shouldn't they offer a mouse flavor?
posted by vapidave at 6:42 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Can marijuana be a replacement for cigarettes? What I mean by that is, say I had enough of it, and I smoked a joint for every time I wanted to smoke a cigarette, would this help me quit smoking cigarettes?

I tried this during the dot com bubble, when I was a couple ounces heavy at all times. Needless to say, as a pack and a half a day of Marlboros man, I was assout and speechless within the first hour of my experiment. On the plus side I didn't smoke cigarettes for several hours after that and on the minus I was briefly really heavy into techno.
posted by Divine_Wino at 6:43 PM on January 11 [14 favorites]

Why did steam pre-load left for dead when I downloaded the demo and then not acknowledge that it had done so after I went and bought the damn game, thus forcing me to delete and re-download the exact same @#$% thing?

Love your show, I'll take my answer off the air, thanks.
posted by Skorgu at 6:44 PM on January 11

Why does Michael Jackson only wear a glove on his left hand?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:44 PM on January 11

Why is Bob your uncle when things are going well? Who is your uncle when things aren't going well? Of course, when someone is directly causing you pain, you call them uncle, but if their name is Bob, doesn't that mean "Bob is your uncle" isn't ALWAYS a good thing...
posted by birdsquared at 6:47 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Why do birds sing so gay?
posted by h00py at 6:48 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Why does Bugs Bunny wear gloves?
Why does Porky Pig wear a shirt but no pants?
posted by Kangaroo at 6:48 PM on January 11

Can marijuana be a replacement for cigarettes?

I had a flatmate who used to roll his own cigarettes to carry around in a little steel case, and every now and then he'd play "joint roulette", disguising it really cleverly as a cigarette, and sometimes forgetting. I was never a smoker but other friends learned really fast never to bum his cigarettes if they had to go to work.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:50 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Why does Michael Jackson only wear a glove on his left hand?

Vitiligo.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:57 PM on January 11

this askme throwaway is a very fine idea, and I think that's what we should call it: AskmeThrowaway, and we should have this once a week , no year, when the perige moon is full, and what I really want to know is Why did I let her go and is she ever going to come back? If you answer me that, oh AskmeThrowaway, I will supply you with bacon for life. Which will, of course, be short. Thank you, Meta, for my daily ration of healthy laughter.
posted by Hobgoblin at 6:58 PM on January 11

What's the best way to open and close the slit at the tip of your penis as part of a ventriloquism act? (from a showmanship perspective)
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:00 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

disguising it really cleverly as a cigarette

I, um, knew a guy who used to gently extract all the tobacco from a Malboro, pack in finely shredded marijuana bud, poke a hole through the filter so as to not filter out too much toxic substance, then go outside and smoke it in public spaces. It's a miracle no legal action was ever taken.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:00 PM on January 11

Why do mods suddenly appear every time I am near?
posted by gman at 7:01 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

When Matt appears to joke in a jokey thread and that thread is not closed, I am secure in the knowledge that all is well in Metafilter and probably with the entire freaking Metaverse.
posted by Hobgoblin at 7:06 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Why do I have to wear shoes and a shirt to eat at your establishment, but can go pants-less?
posted by fijiwriter at 7:07 PM on January 11

Why do mods suddenly appear every time I am near?

Just like me,
they long to be,
Close to you.
posted by jamaro at 7:09 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

What's the best way to open and close the slit at the tip of your penis as part of a ventriloquism act?

I am pretty sure Garrison Keillor goes into some minor detail re this is an early book.
posted by dawson at 7:10 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

and what's up with the new favicon google has?
posted by dawson at 7:12 PM on January 11 [6 favorites]

Why don't we say 'clibbard' for 'clipboard?'
posted by ORthey at 7:15 PM on January 11 [6 favorites]

Why don't we launch all of our nuclear waste into the sun?
posted by Sailormom at 7:15 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

If you're so funny then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking why do you sleep alone tonight ?

why do i have so many smiths lyrics stuck in my head?
posted by needled at 7:16 PM on January 11

and what the hell is a karma chameleon?
posted by needled at 7:16 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

They shoot horses, don't they?
posted by Joe Beese at 7:16 PM on January 11

Oh. Color me 2 days late.
posted by dawson at 7:17 PM on January 11

WHEN WILL BUNT CAKE UPDATE CORTEX?!
posted by nanojath at 7:17 PM on January 11

I hadn't noticed the favicon change until you mentioned it. It's very...rasta.
posted by jamaro at 7:20 PM on January 11

I have forgotten how to internets. Please tell me how do I internets?
posted by Mister Cheese at 7:21 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

If vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what's baby oil made of?
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:24 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Why am I covered in goo?
posted by loquacious at 7:24 PM on January 11

Are you going to eat that?
posted by loquacious at 7:25 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

?
posted by dawson at 7:30 PM on January 11

Will you marry me?
posted by Ryvar at 7:32 PM on January 11

If vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what's baby oil made of?

Baby vegetables, duh.
posted by cashman at 7:35 PM on January 11

A man lies dead near a box of unopened donuts. On his left, a shard of broken glass lies in a puddle of water, over which flutters a team of hummingbirds named Larry & Jim. The room they're in is painted blue, and the paint smells extra fresh.

There are no visible wounds on the dead man. Barack Obama is president. The faint smell of cumin can be detected.

Who killed this man, and why?
posted by ORthey at 7:35 PM on January 11 [9 favorites]

Am I the only person on mefi who finds bacon, and all other pork products (except in Chinese food) unclean and disgusting?
posted by orthogonality at 7:35 PM on January 11

How do people stomach eating bacon? It's REVOLTING.
posted by gomichild at 7:36 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the President?
posted by arcanecrowbar at 7:38 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

how is babby formed? how girl get pragnent?
posted by Effigy2000 at 7:38 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Am I the only person on mefi who finds bacon, and all other pork products (except in Chinese food) unclean and disgusting?

How do people stomach eating bacon? It's REVOLTING.

We have been compromised.
posted by ORthey at 7:40 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

Why don't we launch all of our nuclear waste into the sun?

Are you making fun of a proposal I've often pondered, but can't remember if I was hapless enough to articulate on MeFi?

Seriously though, the moon is right there, and we're not really doing anything with it right now anyway.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:41 PM on January 11

Am I the only person on mefi who finds bacon, and all other pork products (except in Chinese food) unclean and disgusting?

Burn the witch!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:41 PM on January 11

Who put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp?

And while I'm on the topic, who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?
posted by jason's_planet at 7:42 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

What possessed Clint Eastwood to make Every Which Way But Loose? Other than its innate awesomeness
posted by waraw at 7:44 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Is the room locked from the inside?
posted by Hobgoblin at 7:44 PM on January 11

Who put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp?

The same guy who wrote the Book Of Love.

And yes: She's really going out with him.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:45 PM on January 11

Am I the only person on mefi who finds bacon, and all other pork products (except in Chinese food) unclean and disgusting?
posted by orthogonality at 9:35 PM on January 11 [+] [!]

How do people stomach eating bacon? It's REVOLTING.
posted by gomichild at 9:36 PM on January 11 [+] [!]

The answer is no:

Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eating nothing that ain't got sense enough to disregard his own feces.
posted by evilcolonel at 7:50 PM on January 11

Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?
posted by amyms at 7:53 PM on January 11

Is the answer really 42?
posted by blaneyphoto at 7:55 PM on January 11

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
posted by chlorus at 7:56 PM on January 11

I'll just link my previous meditation on bacon.

P.S.: Infidels.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:56 PM on January 11

Is the answer really 42?

No. It's 41.95, but they rounded up.
posted by amyms at 7:56 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

If fruit flies like fruit, why do time flies like an arrow?
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:57 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
posted by dawson at 7:57 PM on January 11

Do the sheep we get steel wool from have any natural predators?
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:59 PM on January 11

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
posted by chlorus at 7:56 PM on January 11 [+] [!]

Just like me, they have posted, pre-v-iousl-y...
posted by dawson at 8:01 PM on January 11

I've heard him ask what it is a million times, but has Flava Flav ever actually told the time?
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:02 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

"Why is my poop green?" = 346,000 results.
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:03 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

When you say it's gonna happen "now," well, when exactly do you mean?
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 8:03 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

Is "Every Breath You Take" the creepiest song ever to become a hit?
posted by dw at 8:05 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

Are we there yet?
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:07 PM on January 11

Why does the air intake tube in my '84 Elite not attach to the carb without significant bending, which I'm afraid will stress out the intake manifold (which is known to be weak) if I just bend it and tighten the band?

oh, wait, that's actually a good question. off to askme I go.
posted by davejay at 8:07 PM on January 11

What are you doing Sunday, baby? Would you like to come and meet me, maybe?
posted by dw at 8:07 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Where is my mind?
posted by dw at 8:09 PM on January 11

Was it really such a long time ago, was the galaxy really that far away?

and midichlorians, wtf?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:09 PM on January 11

Is "Every Breath You Take" the creepiest song ever to become a hit?

I think "The remedy" by Jason Mraz is even creepier, because it reveals that people like Jason Mraz can become famous.
posted by ORthey at 8:11 PM on January 11

Is "Every Breath You Take" the creepiest song ever to become a hit?

I think "The remedy" by Jason Mraz is even creepier

Obvioulsy, neither of you have ever heard "Ambrose" by Linda Laurie.
posted by jonmc at 8:12 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
posted by blaneyphoto at 8:14 PM on January 11

Why does hotmail keep rearranging my utensil drawer? I am tired of losing those tiny appetizer forks. Is there a special script I need to stop this or should I call somebody's isp?
posted by madamjujujive at 8:15 PM on January 11 [8 favorites]

I'm not sure if "He Hit Me (It Felt Like A Kiss)" was ever really a hit, per se.
posted by cortex at 8:15 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Is "Every Breath You Take" the creepiest song ever to become a hit?

no
posted by pyramid termite at 8:18 PM on January 11 [10 favorites]

Why do I keep looking for a Col. Klink cameo in Operation Valkyrie?
posted by buzzman at 8:21 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

butt?
posted by qvantamon at 8:22 PM on January 11

and midichlorians, wtf?

midichlorians are like thetans that haven't turned emo yet.
posted by qvantamon at 8:23 PM on January 11 [5 favorites]

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:29 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

midichlorians are like thetans that haven't turned emo yet

Get that on a t-shirt, along with a graphic of Darth Vader wielding a lightsaber that has the CoS cross coming out of the hilt, stat.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:29 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

One...two...three...

*crunch*

...Three.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 8:30 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

What's up with gas prices?
posted by qvantamon at 8:32 PM on January 11

If Darth Vader knew the Sith rule of there only being two at a time, why did he go along with the plan to make Luke the Emperor's apprentice?

What does Ewok taste like?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:34 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Will I dream?
posted by longsleeves at 8:36 PM on January 11

Is the Sith rule some kind of physical law of the DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE or just their weird ethos?

Ewok meat tastes better if they've been fed on Stormtrooper liver.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:36 PM on January 11

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
posted by crossoverman at 8:37 PM on January 11

Why does Porky Pig wear a shirt but no pants?

Because he is a sick, disgusting pervert. But it's not his fault.

I mean, what do you think you're going to get if you take a pig and mutate and surgically alter it so that it acquires a basic sentience and stumble around painfully on its back legs? Of course it's going to have all sorts of psychological problems, probably in addition to several neurological disorders.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:37 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

How do I shot web?
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:41 PM on January 11

Yes. More stitches. If the thread turns out good, useful or at least funny. Lulz. Cats are a poor substitute for a real pet. ie a dog. There's some tennis on the teev here, not sure about at your place. Not sure, but no. Probably not. Call it 30W per box, so 600-900 million Watts, but you probably want it in watt-hours. I missed those. Just hit the [edit] link and fix it. You can always revert if you cock it up. Replace your satchel with a backpack. Much research has been done into sporting performance under pressure, presumably young athletes were not able to handle this pressure. They should improve with time and experience. It just doesn't seem favourite worthy, but I will if it means that much to you. Well a human life is meaningless in the greater scheme of the universe, so it would not change much. Skittles are not made of giant fruits, that is just advertising. Skittles are made from predominantly sugar, corn syrup and hydrogenated palm kernal oil. About 20 pounts per year based on 10 minutes a day and many, many assumptions. I'm afraid you already know the answer to that. They're on your feet. Bacon is delicious, people began discussing it online. I can only assume yes and no. No idea. How do I chew with my bacon-teeth? They replace the salt you lose incase you hitch a ride on a passing spaceship mid-flight. Yes. I know, but can't share that information with you. If only. Unfortunately things being bloody obvious hasn't stopped law suits in the past. Is amirite another question then? Sure, you're right. Are you stuck on a deserted island with a lot of nuclear waste? The Marcels' in their version of Blue Moon or perhaps the Edsels' in "Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong". Although the term cobra can refer to many snakes most prefer other snakes or lizards, and rodents, with luck all your kittens will be safe. No. Some stuff, not all. Brace Beemer amongst many others. I'm skipping all of that sorry. In the door, you forgot to get them on the way in because the phone rang. It hasn't started where I am, but yes. They have decreased due to a severe decrease in energy use as a result of the current financial crisis. I'll post your askme if you want, no point wasting a trip to the doctor. Scientific studies have shown no correlation between crime rates and phases of the moon, despite anecdotes that suggest otherwise. Isn't over 2000 favourites enough love for anyone? $3.50. Don't see a doctor, just post about it on askme, doctors, lawyers and other trained professions have been made redundant by the internet. No. Words with duplicate letters side-by-side. Just hold them down. No, and the Eagles will win to see Rocca be the first ex-AFL player to win a Superbowl. Donne is a hack. This is a question you need to ask yourself. Didn't we just have one in Oakland? Because bacon and chocolate taste terrible together. Once, but you need to mean it rather than using it as a basis for a terrible song. Cat's don't need to like water to like fish. It's a bug, report it. To make people notice. There are various theories about the origins of the phrase, from Victorian-era nepotism through to deriving from the slang phrase "all is bob". To us their songs may sound happy, but really they are just a bird's general form of communication. Bugs wears gloves as it emphasises his hands which makes drawing gestures easier, you're on your own with Porky's pants, presumably just a design decision. Using a needle and thread attach one thread to each side and use these like puppet strings. This may sting a little.
posted by markr at 8:43 PM on January 11 [32 favorites]

oooh I got one. Why are metafilter people on average terrified of spiders? Any damn thread about spiders is filled with people hyperventilating about how they'd like to kill every single spider they see....
posted by dhruva at 8:44 PM on January 11

Confirmation bias.
posted by Phire at 8:46 PM on January 11

I received a fowarded email that would like to know:

Why is there a light in the fridge but not the freezer? Surely it's just as dark?

What happened to Vicks Formulas 1 - 43?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What happens when you're driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on?

Why did kamikazee pilots wear helmets?

Also:
Google favicon info.
posted by meech at 8:50 PM on January 11

Why the heck don’t we do photoshop contests like everybody else? I wanna be like everybody else!! Also who put who put the overalls in mrs murphy's chowder?
posted by wheelieman at 8:50 PM on January 11

If Magneto could move the San Francisco bridge from miles away (X-men 3), why couldn't he break out of the plastic prison without Mystique's help (X-men 2), when there was metal only yards away?
posted by kisch mokusch at 8:55 PM on January 11

Is this where I can ask a dumb question?
posted by rtha at 8:58 PM on January 11

Should I really read this whole thread from the top?
posted by nola at 9:00 PM on January 11

Why doesn't my girlfriend like bacon? She likes sausages, especially kielbasa sandwich type things, and she likes turkey burgers. She doesn't eat fish, because she's allergic, and she doesn't eat tofu, except tofurkey burgers, which seem like a bad idea because, who needs a fake turkey burger right? But actually they're pretty cool, they really capture that turkey-pretending-to-be-a-burger flavor. Anyway what are you're thought about why she doesn't eat bacon, besides the fact that she has no sense of smell since the accident?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:00 PM on January 11

If the universe is expanding, is it possible to be outside of that expansion and then see the expansion happening or coming towards you? If so, what would it look like? Is the expansion happening across multiple dimensions? What would that be like for time, can there really be a place with no time?

And if everyone needs a hug, how come so few get them?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:02 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Why am I covered in goo?

Hopefully it doesn't involve the word "jacking" or impossibly large metal spikes inserted into the brain stem while strapped into a moldy dentist's chair.
posted by netbros at 9:03 PM on January 11

Do you like pina coladas?
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:05 PM on January 11

I don't really have a girlfriend, actually, I just didn't want to admit that I don't like bacon and that I live alone in the tunnels under the Opera House.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:06 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Or getting caught in the rain?
posted by crossoverman at 9:08 PM on January 11

What about the voice of Geddy Lee? How did it get so high? I wonder if he speaks like an ordinary guy.
posted by zoinks at 9:09 PM on January 11 [5 favorites]

I know him and he does.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:10 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

what the fuck?
posted by sanko at 9:12 PM on January 11

What does it mean when a man shows an anal sex video on the first date?
posted by sanko at 9:15 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Would you rather be a Colonel with an eagle on your shoulder or a Private with a chicken on your knee?
posted by jonmc at 9:21 PM on January 11

How come sometimes when I pee it's foamy, and sometimes it's not?
posted by Afroblanco at 9:25 PM on January 11

Is the Humpty Dance our only chance to do the hump, or do we get a second shot at it?
posted by Afroblanco at 9:27 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

If we're supposed to stop, collaborate and listen, what exactly are we supposed to collaborate on? And furthermore, what exactly are we listening for?
posted by Afroblanco at 9:28 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Whatchoo talkin bout Willis?
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 9:28 PM on January 11

All but three of my teeth have fallen out. My gums are hemorrhaging. There's a fist-sized abscess on my lower jaw. And my breath killed a man.

I'd prefer not to go to the dentist. Can this be treated through yoga and meditation?
posted by terranova at 9:35 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

What does it mean when a man shows an anal sex video on the first date?

It means the third date is going to be pretty damned interesting.
posted by cortex at 9:35 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Who's your daddy?
posted by jonmc at 9:39 PM on January 11

What I'd really like to know is who allowed the Canis lupus familiaris' to roam freely from their confines? Who? Who? Who?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:44 PM on January 11 [5 favorites]

What's the speed of dark?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:46 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

Why isn't there a name for the top of your feet?
posted by Confess, Fletch at 9:46 PM on January 11

Does this interwebs come English only? Can you buy in other language?
posted by terranova at 9:54 PM on January 11

How do you like them apples?
posted by Rudy Gerner at 9:54 PM on January 11

Please Sir, could we have a free-for-all, ask-any-dumb-question-you-like thread? So could we just have a sort of clearing house? A thread where everyone can ask and answer without all the AskMe rules?

That's an excellent idea. I see matt and jess and cortex have already chipped in, but just to make it completely legit and legal I hereby give my official sanction for this thread to remain in existence.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:59 PM on January 11

I'm dying to know why bacon doesn't come in a resealable package...

Voila!

Reclosable Package Reduces Bacon Mess.
posted by ericb at 9:59 PM on January 11

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiago?
posted by Caduceus at 10:00 PM on January 11

Or, as (upon [p]review) Miko says!
posted by ericb at 10:01 PM on January 11

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiago?

Nowhere near Carmen Sandiego!
posted by ericb at 10:03 PM on January 11

Does this interwebs come English only? Can you buy in other language?

Nyet.
posted by jonmc at 10:06 PM on January 11

If e = MC2, what does MC Hammer equal?
posted by crossoverman at 10:06 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

Dunno offhand, but I Can Remember It For You Wholesale.
posted by gompa at 10:15 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

Speaking of spiders, why do I sometimes wake up in a panic because I'm convinced a spider is falling on my face from above? I didn't dream like that when I lived in scorpion country, where a nighttime insect attack was actually a reasonable fear.
posted by sugarfish at 10:16 PM on January 11

should I buy an iMac, or a Mac Pro?
posted by seawallrunner at 10:16 PM on January 11

Hey sailor. ; )

What be your poison tonight?
posted by ericb at 10:19 PM on January 11

If e = MC2, what does MC Hammer equal?

1 mind 2 rhyme + 2 hype feet.
posted by gompa at 10:20 PM on January 11 [5 favorites]

I just discovered a litter of dead kittens in the crawlspace under my house while I was burying another victim. I'd like to eat them with some home cured bacon I made recently. Should I bread the kittens before frying them or dip them in egg like French toast? Thanks in advance!
posted by eyeballkid at 10:21 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

How will I laugh tomorrow when I can't even smile today?
posted by Sailormom at 10:30 PM on January 11

if you'd walk a mile for a camel, how far would you walk for a camel light?
posted by pyramid termite at 10:34 PM on January 11

In my life, why do I smile at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye?
posted by ludwig_van at 10:35 PM on January 11

Where Lily I can find?
posted by maxwelton at 10:43 PM on January 11

Why don't public buses have seat belts?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:44 PM on January 11

In my life, why are people who are clearly fantasizing about kicking me in the eye always putzing around with fakey smiles on?
posted by cortex at 10:50 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

What's this sore on my mouth?
posted by Rumple at 10:58 PM on January 11

Why isn't there a name for the top of your feet?

Not true. Michael and Emily.

But the top of YOUR feet, I have no idea why. Maybe you're lazy?
posted by davejay at 11:09 PM on January 11 [8 favorites]

if you'd walk a mile for a camel, how far would you walk for a camel light?

If you'd walk a camel for a mile, you can probably get a job in Saudi Arabia as a camel walker.

In my life, why are people who are clearly fantasizing about kicking me in the eye always putzing around with fakey smiles on?

They're thinking about the kicking and trying not to look too happy about it.
posted by pracowity at 11:15 PM on January 11

Does anyone want my stuff? I'm moving to Australia.

to get away from all of you
posted by po at 11:15 PM on January 11

I can't give information about my problem, but it's been going on for a long time and the people involved really get to me. There's this thing happening and it's not stopping. Also there are noises. I would **really** appreciate suggestions about how to fix it. C'mon HiveMind, help me out!! :)))
posted by terranova at 11:28 PM on January 11

Why do companies that make cat food market so many flavors of "Seafood"? Most cats hate water.
Shouldn't they offer a mouse flavor?


In a related question... I understand that when studying what flavors cats like, a cat food company (I don't know which one) discovered that cats love the taste of ear wax. Now, I know that they would never try to market ear wax flavored cat food, as humans would never buy it, because, ew, ear wax. However, does anyone know if there is a flavor of cat food that has another name, but is secretly ear wax flavored?
posted by louche mustachio at 11:28 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Why do they still make tuna fish packed in oil?
I bought a can by mistake, egads, it's like drinking from a fryer vat.
posted by blueberry at 11:35 PM on January 11

Does anyone want my stuff? I'm moving to Australia.

to get away from all of you

Bad move. We're here too. Try Tahiti (Simon? Tahiti).
posted by h00py at 11:36 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Confirmation bias.

I swear, ever since that fucking Nassim Taleb or Malcolm Gladwell or whoever it was that made logical fallacies mainstream started selling books, every jackass with no answers and a big mouth keeps repeating "confirmation bias" over and over again. What's wrong with you people?
posted by mullacc at 11:38 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Cognitive dissonance.
posted by zoinks at 11:40 PM on January 11

However, does anyone know if there is a flavor of cat food that has another name, but is secretly ear wax flavored?

Whispas.

every jackass with no answers and a big mouth keeps repeating "confirmation bias" over and over again.

Confirmation bias.
posted by pracowity at 11:45 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Bad move. We're here too. Try Tahiti (Simon? Tahiti).
posted by h00py at 11:36 PM on January 11 [+] [!]

Pssht. There's only politicians in Canberra. They don't count.. *shifty*
posted by po at 11:47 PM on January 11

Because
posted by Cranberry at 11:52 PM on January 11

And don't ask again
posted by Cranberry at 11:52 PM on January 11

Brandon Blatcher writes "If Darth Vader knew the Sith rule of there only being two at a time, why did he go along with the plan to make Luke the Emperor's apprentice?"

What level Dungeon Master are you?
posted by orthogonality at 11:57 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Why do they still make tuna fish packed in oil?

Because water leaches flavor out of tuna where oil seals it in. Tuna packed in water is also, unintuitively, dryer, and sort of fibrous as well. Try draining the oil if you don't use it. It's no use if you're making sandwiches but it's useful for recipes. Or keep buying the the kind in water, isn't it great that we both get to buy what we want?

...I'm sorry, is it okay to actually answer questions?
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:03 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Oh, and

it's like drinking from a fryer vat.

You're doing it wrong
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:13 AM on January 12

Which of you is the Rama I'm supposed to be asking?
posted by wendell at 12:14 AM on January 12

I went to the witch doctor, and he told me what to do. I'm not quite sure how to "ooh ee ooh ah ah." Does anyone have any experience with it?

Also, does anyone know where I can find some ting tang and walla walla? My bing bang was out overnight on the counter, but my house is cold. Is it still usable?
posted by Ghidorah at 12:14 AM on January 12

who here likes pancakes?
posted by oneirodynia at 12:15 AM on January 12

Why's it all so hard?

also, why the hell am I awake and talking to you people, anyway?
posted by jonmc at 12:19 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

late to the show. this thread really isn't worth reading, is it?
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:35 AM on January 12

I've given someone several venereal diseases. What is the best way to tell them? What is proper etiquette?
posted by terranova at 12:43 AM on January 12

What were Ford smoking when they decided to use that creepy-ass Laurie Anderson track to advertise the Ford Ka? Were they trying to corner the lucrative paedophile market or something?

"Come here little girl. Get into the car."

Ew.
posted by the latin mouse at 12:45 AM on January 12

Are we still doing this? I got here late.
posted by Dunwitty at 12:55 AM on January 12

Why isn't there a name for the top of your feet?

The top of men's feet are called Frodos.
posted by minifigs at 1:11 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Protein in your pee.

I want to know: why do hot dog buns come in packs of six and the dogs themselves come in jars of eight?
posted by bouncebounce at 1:29 AM on January 12

Do you know the muffin man?
posted by stray at 1:37 AM on January 12

Yeah. he's crummy.
posted by jonmc at 1:45 AM on January 12

The muffin man?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:00 AM on January 12

The muffin man... yes
posted by amtho at 2:16 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Water packed tuna is fucking gross. Oil tuna for the win, although I drain it out and re-add a bit of olive oil and some peri peri sauce. Another useful thing to do with the sunflower oil the tuna came in is to put it on the cat food that Rosemary P. Cat is being picky about, and nom will ensue.
posted by By The Grace of God at 2:26 AM on January 12

Is a safe kite made of metal?
Wire or wet string?
What about frogs?
What if your kite winds around a power line?
posted by blueberry at 2:26 AM on January 12

I want to know about food or drink that makes my pee smell funny asides from the normal ones like booze, coffee, asparagus, vanillin, saffron and chevre goat cheese.

What else will make my pee smell funny?
posted by uandt at 2:27 AM on January 12

Nuvaring. Enjoy!
posted by taz at 2:30 AM on January 12

And cortex: the evil people wear fakey smiles because they have The Fear, which is our cultural fear of actually talking about uncomfortable subjects with each other. Sucks doesn't it?
posted by By The Grace of God at 2:31 AM on January 12

What else will make my pee smell funny?
Tuna fish. Cheerios.
posted by blueberry at 2:32 AM on January 12

You know how there are those sound canceling things (Bose headphones, et al), where it samples the outside ambient noise and then plays an opposite sound wave to your ear to cancel out the outside sound?...
Could this be done for light waves—as a way to project darkness?
posted by blueberry at 2:35 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Decided to go grocery shopping after my wife saw some minute maid juice boxes in a circular on special at target stores .. She did a search for printable coupons online ,and to my surprise she found some minute maid coupons for target stores . She printed ten coupons and got ten boxes of minute maid practically free ... (lol) . Why can't us men think of these things ? Lol
posted by Roman Graves at 3:06 AM on January 12

What level Dungeon Master are you?

33rd, same as in town.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:06 AM on January 12

Tuna is cat food.
posted by pracowity at 3:35 AM on January 12

Why does my cat keep licking my hair?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:36 AM on January 12

I want to know: why do hot dog buns come in packs of six and the dogs themselves come in jars of eight?

Hot dogs come in jars?
posted by Stewriffic at 3:50 AM on January 12 [7 favorites]

Here's my question:

Where did all this bacon nonsense start, anyway?

Double.
posted by flabdablet at 3:54 AM on January 12

I want to know why there's more confirmation bias around these days.
posted by flabdablet at 3:57 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Does your girlfriend also use your account to craft racist or otherwise offensive posts and then sit there giggling her ass off?
posted by gman at 4:14 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

How the hell could the Dinobots fly?
posted by cashman at 4:19 AM on January 12

I just want know is our children learning?
posted by Hands of Manos at 4:24 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Are you a boy or a girl? (Nicknames can be deceiving)
posted by gman at 4:25 AM on January 12

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
posted by burnmp3s at 4:27 AM on January 12

"Are you a boy or a girl? (Nicknames can be deceiving)"

Well it's not Hands of Womanos now is it?
posted by Hands of Manos at 4:42 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

What the hell does the epigraph "Only connect!" mean, anyway?

It's from the novel "Howard's End" (though it's not used in the movie version). Scroll down on this page for a more thorough explanation.
posted by grumblebee at 4:46 AM on January 12

and what about naomi?
posted by msconduct at 4:47 AM on January 12 [4 favorites]

WTF is the deal with the YouTube subscription system? I watch all the videos in my list and I'm done. The next day, I have 2 new videos and 5 old ones back in there. I clear them all out. The next day, maybe 1 new one and 10 old ones.

WHY DOES IT KEEP PUTTING OLD VIDEOS IN MY SUBSCRIPTION LIST?

I assume the videographer must be editing the video or something so it shows up as new BUT PLEASE FIX THIS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THE SUB SYSTEM IS USELESS IF IT KEEPS SHOWING ME OLD STUFF KTHX
posted by DU at 5:01 AM on January 12

Bacon is tasty, but nowhere near as exquisite as its internet status would seem to suggest. Bacon is like the Rick Astley of foods.

Peanut butter was mentioned far more often than bacon in the "exciting food combinations" thread.

"I Drove All Night" is the creepiest song ever to be a hit.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:25 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

"Grapes in milk... now what? "

I've been putting grapes in my cereal since I was a kid. I love grapes in milk
posted by Hands of Manos at 5:27 AM on January 12

Why?
posted by Sailormom at 5:29 AM on January 12

Does everyone on Radiolab have ADD?
posted by desjardins at 5:30 AM on January 12 [4 favorites]

No really, why would he do that? What possessed him to make a stupid comedy with fat bikers, an orangutang, and Ruth Gordon? Was his life just not complete without being on film saying "Right Turn Clyde"?
posted by waraw at 5:48 AM on January 12

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Why do psychics have to ask your name?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why don't I watch more Steven Wright?
posted by CunningLinguist at 5:56 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

You know how there are those sound canceling things (Bose headphones, et al), where it samples the outside ambient noise and then plays an opposite sound wave to your ear to cancel out the outside sound?...
Could this be done for light waves—as a way to project darkness?

Sure. You can invert and cancel light waves just fine. Of course the provisos are substantial, just like with sound the inverse emitter has to be either right on top of the source or right on top of the receiver (headphones), to within a few wavelengths IIRC and you'd have to get the composition of the light exactly right and time the emission to be exactly out of phase.
posted by Skorgu at 6:06 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Presumably, the same way you knew your invisible ink pen was full, but in reverse.

Why do psychics have to ask your name?

They don't deal in hard facts only emotional truths. This is obvious because otherwise they'd be stock market billionaires.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

1/2 X 1/2 = 1/4. So the answer is you are scared one quarter to death.

What's another word for thesaurus?

A wordbook, or synonym dictionary.

Why don't I watch more Steven Wright?

Unanswerable.
posted by vacapinta at 6:10 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

You're no fun. No fun at all.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:11 AM on January 12

You're no fun. No fun at all.
posted by CunningLinguist

Probably not what she said.
posted by DU at 6:14 AM on January 12

Why do people feel they must tell the same Chuck Norris jokes over and over in the Barrens area of World of Warcraft?
posted by Hands of Manos at 6:14 AM on January 12

Did anyone ever write serious, literary prose about a world of zombies comparable to Camus' The Plague?
posted by cowbellemoo at 6:14 AM on January 12

The freemasons are suppressing resealable bacon technology.
posted by Phanx at 6:17 AM on January 12

Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
posted by Phanx at 6:21 AM on January 12

Oh, and the Barrens are where the 9 year olds with ADD who can't grind past level 16 end up. And man do they love those jokes.
posted by cowbellemoo at 6:22 AM on January 12

I'm a bit late to this thread, but:
cotex's own http://bigbigquestion.com/
posted by xorry at 6:23 AM on January 12

How awesome is it that auto glass places will come to YOU to replace your windshield??
posted by Stewriffic at 6:34 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Which of you is the Rama I'm supposed to be asking?

Sorry, sorry. My fingers slipped. It should have been Ask-A-Lama.

Hot dogs come in jars?

They do here in the South.

I can see that I should have worded my original question, "Why doesn't the bacon offered in my grocery store come in resealable packages? I don't really think of the cheese industry as being on the cutting edge of technology, but shredded, sliced, and cubed cheese has been coming in resealable packages for years now. Even hot dogs come in resealable packages. The bacon package is just a pain in the ass because I have to open it with my kitchen scissors (which then have to be washed because they have bacon germs all over them) and remove it from the package and put it in a zip-lock bag."

Why does this thread exist?

Because I don't always play by the rules.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:39 AM on January 12

How long has this been going on?
posted by Joe Beese at 6:46 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

We've got these things we're selling, and they're selling like hotcakes. Should we just switch to selling hotcakes? Wouldn't that be easier, and what do hotcakes sell like?
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:51 AM on January 12

Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
posted by burnmp3s at 6:53 AM on January 12

Whatchoo talkin bout Willis?

Crack cocaine. He was talking about crack cocaine.
posted by Afroblanco at 6:59 AM on January 12

How could you watch 9 hours of football this weekend?
posted by yeti at 7:05 AM on January 12

1/2 X 1/2 = 1/4. So the answer is you are scared one quarter to death.

The Inverse Zeno is out of fashion; must current scholars have returned the bedrock Pure Zeno school. Three quarters to death.
posted by cortex at 7:07 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
posted by dawson at 7:57 PM on January 11

ZOT!
posted by Reverend John at 7:08 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Why do football teams have names like Eagles, Ravens, and Cardinals? Are there versions of those birds that weigh 300 pounds, or are they just ostrich wannabes?
posted by lukemeister at 7:11 AM on January 12

I miss the img tag?
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 7:13 AM on January 12

I have not read this thread. I am marking it for future reading.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 7:20 AM on January 12

meech:
I received a fowarded email that would like to know:

Why is there a light in the fridge but not the freezer? Surely it's just as dark?
...
Why did kamikazee pilots wear helmets?

that sounds like an ad for this book, although of course I couldn't say if the author got the q's from the internet or vice versa. Anyway reviews seem mixed as to his ability to answer... (I just flipped through it in a bookstore the other day)
posted by mdn at 7:25 AM on January 12

Does everyone still need a hug? Is this something that everyone knows?
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:27 AM on January 12

What's the Frequency, Kenneth?
posted by ALongDecember at 7:27 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

My freezer has progressive LED lighting. Do I really need that?
posted by Burhanistan at 7:29 AM on January 12

Why is the sky blue?

Why is water wet?

Why did Judas rat to Romans while Jesus slept?
posted by The Straightener at 7:29 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Why did kamikazee pilots wear helmets?

Why do so few people read the Straight Dope?
posted by DU at 7:31 AM on January 12

Though seriously: for answers to questions like that, check the Straight Dope archives or Dave Feldman's Imponderables books.
posted by ALongDecember at 7:33 AM on January 12

buttplug?
posted by qwerty155 at 7:34 AM on January 12

Because it was harder than when Jesus was awake.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:35 AM on January 12

Am I the only one who misses the Tab energy drink? What about Crystal Pepsi? Diet Jolt?
posted by JoanArkham at 7:36 AM on January 12

Can Hieronymus Merkin ever forget Mercy Humppe and find true happiness?
posted by Joe Beese at 7:39 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Where is my mind?

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground.

Clearly.
posted by generichuman at 7:40 AM on January 12

Who is John Galt?
posted by Reverend John at 7:43 AM on January 12

Who is the king shag corpse?
posted by Burhanistan at 7:44 AM on January 12

does this look infected?
posted by stubby phillips at 7:50 AM on January 12

I think you two should sit down and talk about the situation and discuss howya'll feel about it., both individually and as a couple. Asking people on the internet isn't going to help much if you can't discuss this with the person you're living with and supposedly love.

Communication is key to any relationship and it's something you guys need to work on. Yeah, it's hard work at times, but worth it. Once you two are more open with discussing this, I bet you'll be to decide for yourselves whether it should be eaten.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:52 AM on January 12

I think our next metatalk thread should be for Minor Flameouts.
posted by Pants! at 7:55 AM on January 12

I think you two should sit down and talk about the situation and discuss howya'll feel about it., both individually and as a couple. Asking people on the internet isn't going to help much if you can't discuss this with the person you're living with and supposedly love.

Communication is key to any relationship and it's something you guys need to work on. Yeah, it's hard work at times, but worth it. Once you two are more open with discussing this, I bet you'll be to decide for yourselves whether it should be eaten.

You're looking for the Answer-A-Rama. It's down the corridor, thread 301b.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:56 AM on January 12

Christ, what an asshole.
posted by netbros at 7:57 AM on January 12

Water packed tuna is fucking gross.

I WILL FIGHT YOU
posted by Greg Nog at 7:58 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Can we start picking fights with each other now?
posted by Burhanistan at 8:01 AM on January 12

Can you save it for the Minor Flamouts thread, dickweeds?

See how I asked that as a question?
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:04 AM on January 12

Where's the beef?
posted by nooneyouknow at 8:06 AM on January 12

Pants! You're wrong. We need MAJOR flameouts, okay? Also unveiling of treachery. Vitriol. Rage. Outrage. Creative name-calling. Insults worthy of memorization. Non sequiturs we can worship. We need a guilty party. We need to hear the banhammer pounding a million miles a minute. We need religious disagreements, political eruptions, accusations of racism, sexism, and all other -isms. We need to be divided into two or three groups, each angrier than the last. We need serious personal accusations.

We do not need a minor flameout. We need a mass exodus, a good excuse to reload MeTa every five minutes. Or better, every minute and thirty seconds. We need something so full of fire and brimstone that it would make Jonathan Edwards jealous.

Now, who's going to provide me with my entertainment, dammit? I'm starving over here. Literally starving. There is no place like MetaTalk for a good feast of justified rage. And I want it. I WANT IT NOW.
posted by brina at 8:11 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Oh hi, guys! Am I late?
posted by esmerelda_jenkins at 8:17 AM on January 12

brina: how come you don't flameout, you feces sucking spinster?
posted by Burhanistan at 8:18 AM on January 12

Why is Pandora bad at finding bands similar to Pinback?
posted by giraffe at 8:19 AM on January 12

Because Pandora is an awful music program. Last.fm forever!
posted by Pants! at 8:25 AM on January 12

Why is Pandora bad at finding bands similar to Pinback?

Why does Pinback have to be awesome in such a unique way? And why are the songs on Live in Donny's Garage so much better than the original ones on their self-titled album, even though the originals were great to begin with?
posted by burnmp3s at 8:26 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
IIIIIII doooooooooooooooooooo.
posted by DWRoelands at 8:26 AM on January 12 [6 favorites]

turgid dahlia : Do the sheep we get steel wool from have any natural predators?

Electric eels. The two don't come in to contact very often, but when they do, it's always spectacular.

Also, wolves who have figured out how to use those big junkyard electromagnets. Admittedly it's funny the first time you see them hunt the sheep, but after a while it's just kind of sad; what with the 'thunking' of a fifty pound animal suddenly leaping off the ground and sticking to a plate 15 feet above them.
posted by quin at 8:27 AM on January 12 [7 favorites]

Will success spoil Rock Hunter?
posted by koeselitz at 8:30 AM on January 12

Flag and move on, bitches.
posted by fixedgear at 8:34 AM on January 12

I'm Ron Burgandy?
posted by clearly at 8:34 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

About a week and a half ago, I watched the old Doctor Who episode(s) called "The Talons of Weng-Chiang" and when it ended, I kind of went "Oh,.... hrm. The new ones are a great improvement, aren't they?" But then I watched the Key to Time series, and they were all pretty good, so I figured that the Talons of Weng-Chiang were just some horrible, terrible mistake. But then I asked my Ask.Me question about which episodes of Doctor Who to watch, and that led me to seeing several people going "OMG!!!! Talons of Weng-Chiang is awesomes!!!!!!" And now I am completely, completely confused. Why the heck do people like the Talons of Weng-Chiang?
posted by Ms. Saint at 8:34 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Why did I read this entire thread?
posted by ob at 8:37 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Why did I watch Fantastic Four last night?
posted by pixlboi at 8:39 AM on January 12

Protip: Don't ask a question every week. After awhile you'll feel fine about asking ridiculous questions every so often. Go outside.
posted by odinsdream at 8:57 AM on January 12

What's that blue thing doing here?
posted by swift at 8:57 AM on January 12

What's up with the ending to The Wrestler?
posted by box at 8:57 AM on January 12

Why the heck do people like the Talons of Weng-Chiang?

They gave it a budget. More than two sets. Creepy bleeding puppet. Leela jumping through a freaking window. The theater owner was funny. Blatant ethnic exploitation to tut at. But yeah, not spectacular or anything. But when half of the normal 4-part episodes previous are unwatchably bad, Weng-Chiang stands out nicely.
posted by cowbellemoo at 9:03 AM on January 12

Why are there SO MANY AskMe questions about cat pee?

The answer to all of them: Cats pee on things, and it smells foul. The smell will never come out of anything ever, so kiss that pillow/mattress/carpet goodbye. The cat is either being an asshole or else there's some kind of health thing.
posted by Stewriffic at 9:07 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

Why the heck do people like the Talons of Weng-Chiang?

Understand, this was before the murderous midget Chinese homunculus became cliche. Afterwards, they started showing up on The Avengers, Sapphire & Steel, they added one to the cast of Dad's Army... it wasn't until "Wee Mr. Tang" slaughtered half the presenters on the 1979 Blue Peter charity drive that the fad died out. I suppose it's hard for the jaded new viewer to recapture the sheer frission of that original pig-brained assassin ventriloquist's dummy that almost started World War VI.
posted by ormondsacker at 9:09 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

If there really was a pole at the north pole, could I grab a hold of it a spin around?
posted by pianomover at 9:14 AM on January 12

If while spinning around on said pole I clutched it with my knees, would I feel a little tingly?
posted by pianomover at 9:15 AM on January 12

Yeah, tossing that stupid stuffed animal in the trash is how you get rid of cat urine smells.

Also, can I ever get this time back?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:15 AM on January 12

brina: Also, if we're not going to have awesome MeTa threads full of wonderful vitriol any time soon, can you point me to the best of MeTa?

See the wiki.
posted by Pronoiac at 9:17 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Why can't we be friends?

Would I lie to you? Would I lie to you, honey?

And isn't it ironic, don't you think?

So tell me, have you ever really, really, really, ever loved a woman?

What do you do when your branded and you know you're a man?
posted by nooneyouknow at 9:17 AM on January 12

What's the watermelon for?
posted by jessamyn at 9:24 AM on January 12

What watermelons are for.
posted by Science! at 9:26 AM on January 12

Please Sir, could we have a free-for-all, ask-any-dumb-question-you-like thread? Yes.

I'm dying to know why bacon doesn't come in a resealable package, but I don't want to waste one of my precious AskMe questions to ask something that really isn't that important to me, and it occurred to me that many members may have questions that aren't that all-fired important to them. So could we just have a sort of clearing house? A thread where everyone can ask and answer without all the AskMe rules? One question per customer.

Is this that thread? Apparently

Was that a meta-question? Yes. Are those allowed? One to a customer, please.

A stitch in time saves nine what? Other stiches

What could possibly convince me that this is a good idea? I could, if I were so inclined.

Follow-up question: what is in this for me, besides a headache? Possible a lawsuit.

Awesome Bacon Questions? Yes, please.

Here's my stupid question: wtf is up with cats? The back, thats why they always land on their feet. I mean, seriously? We feed them and care for them and pick up their crap and they thank us how exactly? One question to a customer, please.

What else is on? Futbol

Who came up with ghey? I believe it was Steve of Adam and Steve fame. Was it quonsar? See above note on multiple questions.

The? A.

amirite? You are indeterminate.

How many watts will the 20-30 million digital converter boxes draw when the all the new fancy modern efficient amazing fantastic transition to digital TV signal process happens? Enough.

What was going on in those eggs threads this morning? I didn't read them, see also bacon.

I approve this request! Last evening I saw that Willie Nelson's Wiki had him born in 1813 in Kabul, working as a male stripper in high school and all sorta of other weird stuff (seriously, but it's fixed now.). I did not want to waste my question on that, but I did wonder what to do. I poked around the site there for a hint and nada. This Willie affront irked me greatly. Almost wrote Jess, but drank another bottle of wine instead.
What about a limit of 50 questons a year, or maybe 4 a month, but you can ask again in, say, 24 hours? Please? No. And you forgot to phrase the Willie Nelson thing in the form of a question.

First, bacon does not need to come in a resealable package. You fry it all up and eat it. It's bacon, right??? Yes.

Why the hell do my upper back, neck and shoulder all hurt, but only on the right side?? I'd say it's probably due to nerve endings firing, but I don't have too much to go on.

Oh, and why on earth did the Carolina Panthers choke so bad yesterday? I think Jake DelHomme bet on the other team, but that's a guess.

Why don't you favorite this comment? I did, even though you didn't say please.

What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about? Then we better get our right foot in.

How do they turn those giant fruits into those teeny tiny skittles? Haven't you seen the commercials? They use rainbows.

What's the annual carbon footprint for all of my Metafilter usage? Not much.

Where am I going, and why am I in this handbasket? Ask Toto. Oh and I'll need the handbasket back.

Has anybody seen my socks? I haven't

Where did all this bacon nonsense start, anyway? When a mama pig and a daddy pig love each other very much ...

In that Kings of Leon song where they repeatedly say "your sex is on fire", are they deliberately trying to sound like a porn-comic dominatrix encountering a wetter-than-expected vagina, or is that just an accident? It's an accident Has anybody asked the band about this? That's two questions, I'm gonna start omitting all extra questions.

What the hell does the epigraph "Only connect!" mean, anyway? I need more information.

If, in the process of helping to transport nuclear material via ship, a storm came up, shipwrecking you and glowy stuff alone on a deserted island with no food. Eventually some of your body is mutated into bacon. Do you eat yourself? I couldn't resist.

What's the deal with airplane peanuts? They come in little bags.

Has tellurian regained consciousness yet? I hope so.

In the movie A Simple Plan (spoiler!), the federal agent tells the Paxton character that they were able to record the serial numbers of one-out-of-ten of the bills. In the real world, how quickly would the feds actually track you down if you started spending that money? I think typically they request that banks look for the numbers. So it depends on if you deposit the money in a bank or spend it somewhere else.

I find young idealistic people annoying. Is it permissible to beat some sense into them? No.

My lunch break is over now, you're gonna have to ask someone else.
posted by jefeweiss at 9:32 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

Is this where I go to cancel the Google?
posted by cairnish at 9:37 AM on January 12

Why can't Johnny read?
posted by Lynsey at 9:38 AM on January 12

Do the sheep we get steel wool from have any natural predators?

Electric eels. The two don't come in to contact very often, but when they do, it's always spectacular.

Dream on, android
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:40 AM on January 12

For the plot. Yes. Sure, unless you have work to do. DMTFA. No, space is expanding - everywhere, the universe will seem to be expanding around you. Many people lack a hug support network. Not really. Good job, I wasn't expecting that to work. Hell no, & this is why I keep an umbrella at home & one at work. I know, right? It's a clue as to his interests, I think. Neither. Hm. It's always a good time to do the Humpty Hump. Queen. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Not successfully, no. *points at his father*
posted by Pronoiac at 9:42 AM on January 12

> Do the sheep we get steel wool from have any natural predators?

There's a mean ol' dude out there big enough to throw metalized livestock around, he's carrying an electric trimmer that can cut through hardened steel, and you're afraid of the sheep?
posted by ardgedee at 9:45 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Here are my not-very important questions. They're about heat transfer. I might actually pose these to AskMe at some point but since this is an opportunity to pile on,I'll take it.

At my job we use a bunch of those 50-cup coffee urns. It takes about an hour for the urn to produce hot coffee. There's a temptation to start the urn with already-hot water to hasten the process. BUt I've been told by the guy who controls the urns (as his territorial work function) that using hot water would screw up the urn's thermostat and it would no longer work properly. Is this bullshit?

Sort-of-related question. When I'm not home during the day, I keep my house at 50 degrees. When I come home I usually turn it up to 62 for a few hours in the evening before I turn it back down and go to bed. I've been told that this is inefficient because when I turn the heat up to 62, all the materials in the whole house will keep absorbing heat until they reach the air temperature and it ultimately takes just as much heat to raise the interior temp from 50 to 62 as it would to maintain the house at a consistent 62 all day. Is this bullshit?
posted by Miko at 9:46 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

My wife is beautiful but in a very plastic, cover-girl way, and who I really want to be with is a woman who spends 6-8 hours online each day, loves bacon, and will favorite my every comment. Advice?
posted by Brad Pitt at 9:46 AM on January 12 [6 favorites]

How do we really know that Luxembourg and Lesotho aren't connected by some kind of wormhole mirror?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:47 AM on January 12

It's seems for the original Doctor Who series, the following definition works: "Episode x is a good episode" = "Episode x is superior to all previous episodes."

This definition works because it adequately represents what is meant by the claim "episode X is a good episode" when used to describe any episode produced before 1981. We need not worry about any apparent implications about episodes produced after 1981 because "episode x is a good episode" would never be used in reference to them to begin with.

(But I say this mostly in snark. I've only seen half an hour of one episode produced after 1981. But it involved Adric. I learned that I hate Adric.)
posted by Ms. Saint at 9:48 AM on January 12

Miko: I've got a similar question about home heating. I think there are so many variables involved (method of heating, insulation, ceiling height, etc) that it is very difficult to make accurate generalizations.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:48 AM on January 12

how is babby formed? how girl get pragnent?

why does that question say it was asked 5 months ago? I feel like i've heard this meme for years.
posted by shmegegge at 9:55 AM on January 12

so why do we BEhead someone or DEcapitate them? shouldn't it be DEheaded or BEcapitate???????
posted by supermedusa at 9:57 AM on January 12

Seriously, though: Can snakes climb stairs?

If so, how else can I get away from them?
posted by rmless at 10:01 AM on January 12

"behead" comes from the Old English word beheafdian. The "be" prefix means "with privative force" and heafod means "top of the body". Etymonline
posted by DWRoelands at 10:07 AM on January 12 [4 favorites]

also, whats up with the term dickweed anyway. dickweed? like what is that even supposed to be? wait...I dont think I want to know. sounds like kinda gross. dickweed????? dickweed????????????
posted by supermedusa at 10:08 AM on January 12

When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?
posted by CunningLinguist at 10:09 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

"behead" comes from the Old English word beheafdian. The "be" prefix means "with privative force" and heafod means "top of the body"

sure DWR, that's fine, so why not BEcapitation then???? inquiring minds wanna know!
posted by supermedusa at 10:09 AM on January 12

Does anyone else chortle like an eight year old when TV twinkies talk seriously about Obama's stimulus package, and how big the package will be, and how much stimulus it will create?
posted by CunningLinguist at 10:15 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

You're asking why English isn't consistent? :)
posted by DWRoelands at 10:19 AM on January 12

I have five dozen FRESH eggs, straight from the hens right outside my front door. What the HELL am I going to do with all of these eggs? Except let them go bad and triple-post while drunk, of course.
posted by MonkeyToes at 10:21 AM on January 12

sure DWR, that's fine, so why not BEcapitation then???? inquiring minds wanna know!

Behead is from Old English. Decapitate is from Latin. Ne'er the twain shall meet.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:24 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

OMG. Everyone asked all my questions already.

Dear everone,

How can I make a memorably funny joke this late in the thread?

Thanks,
Me
posted by GuyZero at 10:24 AM on January 12

Does anyone know who did this song? It's still bothering me after all this time.
posted by dunkadunc at 10:27 AM on January 12

Can snakes climb stairs?

Absolutely. Hey, a lot of snakes can climb trees -- stairs are much easier.

As far as keeping them away, I recommend witchcraft. Or try my solution: don't be or have anything that is interesting to a snake.
posted by Miko at 10:27 AM on January 12

Seriously, though: Can snakes climb stairs?

In the most recent versions of Dr. Who they actually seem to levitate.
posted by GuyZero at 10:28 AM on January 12

Can Snakes Climb? Don't click if snakes freak you out.
posted by Miko at 10:32 AM on January 12

That's so funny - the writer of that site says:

I'd be extremely surprised if a snake ever climbed stairs. Stairs are very hard for snakes to navigate.

This surprises me, because I have seen snakes climb stairs. Particularly a Burmese python. I remember it clearly because it's amazing how their musculature can hold a large percentage of their body , lengthwise, straight up in the air at one time.
posted by Miko at 10:33 AM on January 12

Than again, I have probably spent more time around snakes than most non-herpetologists or animal control specialists.
posted by Miko at 10:34 AM on January 12

Get these motherfucking snakes off my motherfucking stairs?
posted by clearly at 10:34 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

Is reality fundamentally discrete, continuous, or other?
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 10:35 AM on January 12

Where have all the flowers gone?
posted by lysdexic at 10:42 AM on January 12

also what is that THING on the front page of cute overload today???????????????

*shudder*
posted by supermedusa at 10:42 AM on January 12

Miko, every furnace tech I've talked to says it's inefficient and blah blah blah, but since I put my thermostat on a timer (72 when I'm there, 65 when out or asleep) I've saved tons of money on heating and electricity
posted by lysdexic at 10:44 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

What.
posted by owtytrof at 11:00 AM on January 12

shouldn't it be DEheaded or BEcapitate???????

All I know is I deadhead the roses. We could just deadhead people too, except that would end up causing confusion for the Jerry Garcia fans. But then, so many things cause confusion for the Jerry Garcia fans.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 11:00 AM on January 12

Did you pack those bags yourself?
posted by CunningLinguist at 11:01 AM on January 12

Why won't those damned kids STAY OFF MAH LAWN?
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 11:02 AM on January 12

Paper or plastic?
posted by fixedgear at 11:06 AM on January 12

Fixie: Reusable canvas with logos and/or pithy slogans.

The times. Get with them.

(And plastic to put used kitty liter into).
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 11:09 AM on January 12

Does anyone remember a movie about a kid who lives on a planet where it rains all the time, and the sun only comes out one day a year?
posted by steef at 11:11 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Where can I find a handy on-line version of the Treaty of Westphalia?
posted by Johnny Porno at 11:14 AM on January 12

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
posted by kittens for breakfast at 11:17 AM on January 12

Does anyone remember a movie about a kid who lives on a planet where it rains all the time, and the sun only comes out one day a year?

Yes! Sad Emo Boy of the 31st Century. Sad, sad emo boy.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 11:19 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Stair snake is watching you.
posted by penguin pie at 11:20 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Who put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp?
posted by stinkycheese at 11:20 AM on January 12

Does anyone remember a movie about a kid who lives on a planet where it rains all the time, and the sun only comes out one day a year?

I don't recall any movie, but there's a short story by Ray Bradbury called All Summer In A Day, about precisely that.


SPOILER ALERT she misses it.
posted by shmegegge at 11:21 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

How do I get my lunch hour back??
posted by *s at 11:23 AM on January 12

Ch-ch-ch...whatsa matta wit choo boaaah?
posted by rocket88 at 11:26 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

How do I get my lunch hour back??

You will never get it back, it's gone forever.
posted by Pants! at 11:33 AM on January 12

What the hell is the deal with people in the checkout line who seem surprised that they have to pay at the end?
posted by pixlboi at 11:33 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Will this thread set the record for greatest number of comments?
posted by Joe Beese at 11:36 AM on January 12

You will still love me tomorrow?
posted by The Whelk at 11:42 AM on January 12

Does anyone remember a movie about a kid who lives on a planet where it rains all the time, and the sun only comes out one day a year?


That's not another planet, that's Ireland.
posted by The Whelk at 11:43 AM on January 12 [7 favorites]

He'd already directed six films and starred in a whole bunch of others, so I can't imagine it's because he needed cash. It's just a mystery.
posted by waraw at 11:48 AM on January 12

Who is responsible for this?
posted by stinkycheese at 11:48 AM on January 12

> Does anyone remember a movie about a kid who lives on a planet where it rains all the time, and the sun only comes out one day a year?

Sleepless in Seattle?
posted by ardgedee at 11:52 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Why is "shoes" the most popular search term on Zappos?
posted by yeti at 11:54 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

Who is buckethead? What is love?
posted by CunningLinguist at 11:56 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Who is buckethead? What is love?

I love that in 2007, God is the #1 on that list. In 2008, he's not even on there, but Martin Luther is.

TAKE THAT, PAPISTS!
posted by shmegegge at 12:00 PM on January 12

What's so great about bacon? I mean, really?
posted by rjs at 12:00 PM on January 12

If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you? The words will never show the you I've come to know. If a face could launch a thousand ships, then where am I to go? There's no one home but you; you're all that's left me too.
posted by wendell at 12:09 PM on January 12

How long has this been going on?

Well, your friends with their fancy persuasion don't admit that it's part of a scheme, but I can't help but have my suspicions, 'cause I ain't quite as dumb as I seem.
And you said you was never intending to break up our scene in this way, but there ain't any use in pretending; it could happen to us any day.
Paul Carrack FTW
posted by wendell at 12:19 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Have I killed this thread? I used to be pretty good at thread-killing, but not so much recently. Maybe my mojo's coming back...

Or did you stoners just want it to end with 420 comments? If so, I'm very very sorry and very very not stoned.
posted by wendell at 12:23 PM on January 12

Snakes are like kids. They won't use the stairs when there's a perfectly good bannister available.
posted by the latin mouse at 12:25 PM on January 12

They also both tend to have the syllabant 's'
posted by pixlboi at 12:32 PM on January 12

Thanks Miko, or actually, no thanks.

Or perhaps the snake is on the first floor, and the person wants to know if it will climb up the stairs and into the bedroom and eat them in the night.

Do you know me, Wildlife Removal Blog?
posted by rmless at 12:38 PM on January 12

I've got this little toy on my desk that looks kinda like a woodchuck holding a beer mug. When you wiggle his tail, his head goes up and down. Or vice versa. Where the hell did it come from?
posted by box at 12:44 PM on January 12

How many roads must a man walk down?

I'm deciding what shoes to wear.
posted by Joe Beese at 12:47 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Where are my keys? Where you left them. When will I be loved? You already are. Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? At least a buck fifty. How many times do I have to try to tell you that I'm sorry for the things I've done? Roughly 3 times for each infraction under most circumstances. Why is Bob your uncle when things are going well? See also the Church of the Subgenious. Why do birds sing so gay? They are big fans of Wham. Why don't we launch all of our nuclear waste into the sun? Because the sun would get mad. and what the hell is a karma chameleon? One that comes and goes. If vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what's baby oil made of? Old people. Are you going to eat that? If it doesn't run away. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? The amount of wood a woodchuck would chuck = amount of wood chucked per unit time x amount of time wood is chucked. Was it really such a long time ago, was the galaxy really that far away? In fact according to Einstein they are equivalent. And yes. Why do companies that make cat food market so many flavors of "Seafood"? Most cats hate water. Cat's don't read labels or buy catfood, people do.
posted by jefeweiss at 12:49 PM on January 12

Where can I find a handy on-line version of the Treaty of Westphalia?

Will this do?
posted by Heretic at 12:50 PM on January 12

Do you know the way to San Jose?
posted by terranova at 12:51 PM on January 12

Do you know the way to San Jose?

I'm sure the Psychic Friends do. Try them.
posted by Joe Beese at 12:59 PM on January 12

wendell just screwed up the rotation
posted by The Whelk at 1:02 PM on January 12

OK, I just finished watching the entire True Blood series and I have some questions [SPOILERS AHOY]:

1. Why is it that Sookie Stackhouse loses so much blood she nearly dies, drinks Bill's blood, and pretty much only gains a heightened sense of smell for a little while, but her brother drinks like one drop of vampire blood and he's tripping his ass off?

2. By the same token, why didn't she become a vampire, in light of the fact that we learn Bill became a vampire by losing nearly all his blood and then drinking the blood of another vampire?

3. Why is it that Dog-Man sees Renee in his bar every damn day, but only in picking up Renee's work vest and inhaling deeply does he realize what Renee's all about?

4. How convenient was it that when Sookie was asked why she wasn't able to hear Renee's murderous thoughts, she quips "I dunno, I guess he locked that part of himself away"?

5. Could the sassy black girl have been any sassier? Or the gay man any ridiculously gayer?

6. Why was the character of the hippy chick - allegedly an allegory for the way addicts enable each others' addicitions - such a one-dimensional caraciture of what some half-wit dittohead imagines a liberal is like? Seriously. When she yelled at that kidnapped vampire about her carbon footprint being neutral? Double-yoo-tee-eff?

7. That part where Sookie's walking around in the graveyard, and Bill suddenly jack-in-the-boxes naked out of the ground, pins her and beings screwing her was one of the most absurd things I'd ever seen ... OK that's not so much a question as an observation.

These are all serious questions.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:23 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret deborah.
posted by deborah at 1:24 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

I'm thinkin' about my doorbell
When ya gonna ring it?
posted by jessamyn at 1:27 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

OK, so like, in the episode of the Simpsons where the Ramones play Mr. Burns birthday, and he then orders Smithers to have the Rolling Stones killed, was he doing so because a) he was offended by the performance, but misheard "Ramones" as "Rolling Stones", or b) having just been turned on to punk rock, he now considers the "old guard" as embodied by the Rolling Stones to be irrelevant and wants to use his largesse to eliminate them?
posted by anazgnos at 1:27 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

The former. I mean, it's not like he appears to enjoy the Ramones' performance.
posted by box at 1:32 PM on January 12

Did you know bacon is actually very good with tuna, whether it come out of a chalky water-packed can or an imported glass jar full of luscious hand caught fish lovingly packed in fruity virgin olive oil?
posted by CunningLinguist at 1:45 PM on January 12

OK, so like, in the episode of the Simpsons where the Ramones play Mr. Burns birthday, and he then orders Smithers to have the Rolling Stones killed, was he doing so because a) he was offended by the performance, but misheard "Ramones" as "Rolling Stones", or b) having just been turned on to punk rock, he now considers the "old guard" as embodied by the Rolling Stones to be irrelevant and wants to use his largesse to eliminate them?

As it happens, I've given this a lot of thought over the years.

This is necessarily speculative. But since there are no hard-of-hearing references I'm aware of [despite his having every other kind of infirmity] - and since there are numerous references to his cultural outdatedness [personal favorite: "Don't think I have enough vo-de-oh-doe?"] - I have to assume that the Stones are the only "punk" band he can think of.

But don't get him started on those "caterwauling Liverpudlians".
posted by Joe Beese at 1:50 PM on January 12

Why does it hurt when I hold my poop in?
posted by speedo at 1:55 PM on January 12

Sure. You can invert and cancel light waves just fine. Of course the provisos are substantial, just like with sound the inverse emitter has to be either right on top of the source or right on top of the receiver (headphones), to within a few wavelengths IIRC and you'd have to get the composition of the light exactly right and time the emission to be exactly out of phase.

Okay, say I do this when someone's aiming a red laser at me. I happen to know the wavelength of said laser, and I have some sort of phase/sync detector thing so that the beam I shoot back cancels out the laser... Since both beams are moving at the speed of light, do I not see anything until I back up a foot? And if so, then is there just a red beam that stops in midair, a foot in front of me?
posted by blueberry at 2:02 PM on January 12

Why oh why am I always late to parties like these?
posted by anastasiav at 2:05 PM on January 12

Does this thread make me look fat?
posted by crossoverman at 2:15 PM on January 12 [2 favorites]

"I swear, ever since that fucking Nassim Taleb or Malcolm Gladwell or whoever it was that made logical fallacies mainstream started selling books, every jackass with no answers and a big mouth keeps repeating "confirmation bias" over and over again. What's wrong with you people?"

Straw man.
posted by Smallpox at 2:22 PM on January 12

Is there anything I can ask which hasn't been asked yet?
posted by ooga_booga at 2:29 PM on January 12

Sparkling or still?
posted by fixedgear at 2:31 PM on January 12

All right, who farted?
posted by esmerelda_jenkins at 2:31 PM on January 12

5. Could the sassy black girl have been any sassier? Or the gay man any ridiculously gayer?
a) Yes. You should have seen the actor who played her in the pilot.
b) Lafayette is fucking awesome. I will fight you on this.

7. That part where Sookie's walking around in the graveyard, and Bill suddenly jack-in-the-boxes naked out of the ground, pins her and beings screwing her was one of the most absurd things I'd ever seen ... OK that's not so much a question as an observation.
Yes, that's was completely and utterly ridiculous. I thought it was some kind of crazy ass dream sequence at first.

2 - Did she lose a lot of blood? I thought she was almost beaten to death, which doesn't necessarily imply a lot of blood loss.

1, 3, 4, 6 - Crappy writers.
posted by nooneyouknow at 2:33 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Although, you could fanwank 1 and say that vampire blood has different effects on healthy humans and humans near death.
posted by nooneyouknow at 2:38 PM on January 12

Are you a boy or a girl?

Yes.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:44 PM on January 12

So if I can't be with the one I love, is it ok to love the one I'm with?
posted by Sailormom at 2:48 PM on January 12

So if I can't be with the one I love, is it ok to love the one I'm with?

DTMFA.
posted by crossoverman at 3:00 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Who had a better innate sense of comedic timing, Cary Grant or Marcello Mastroianni?
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 3:12 PM on January 12

Lafayette is fucking awesome. I will fight you on this.

Lafayette definitely had his moments. The whole "AIDS burger" speech comes to mind.

Did she lose a lot of blood? I thought she was almost beaten to death, which doesn't necessarily imply a lot of blood loss.

In watching that episode again, yes, it seems she was implored to drink Bill's blood for its healing properties; not to replace lost blood. Still, she gulped down what, three, four quarts? And the next day she's perfectly normal, save for being able to smell a crumb of food rotting under the chair. And then that's it. Anyone else who takes so much as a couple drops of vampire blood is seeing trees talk to them. By all accounts, she should have turned into a Southern Belle Syd Barrett.

Oh, and who thought the Iraqi veteran character was a good idea? Jokes about freakin' PTSD? Really?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:16 PM on January 12

Flight or invisibility?
posted by CunningLinguist at 3:20 PM on January 12

Flight or invisibility?

Superman or The Invisible Man?
posted by crossoverman at 3:24 PM on January 12

Does Lance dope?
posted by fixedgear at 3:27 PM on January 12

Aquaman or a baseline-normal human being?
posted by cortex at 3:30 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Am I the only one who found Aquaman the hottest of the Super Friends?
posted by CunningLinguist at 3:35 PM on January 12

Yes.
posted by crossoverman at 3:37 PM on January 12

Is forcing every douchenozzle who showed up in this shitfuck thread to poop brainspooge all over it to felch three neocons each an appropriate punishment, or should the gloves come off?
posted by lalochezia at 3:45 PM on January 12

Quien es mas macho?
posted by Joe Beese at 3:48 PM on January 12

How much vitamin A is too much vitamin A?
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 3:48 PM on January 12

Am I the only one who found Aquaman the hottest of the Super Friends?

I had fantasies about Jayna taking form of...

Well, you probably don't want to know more than that.
posted by Joe Beese at 3:50 PM on January 12

Is Ralph really a Viking when he sleeps? I'm still not sure.
posted by blaneyphoto at 4:12 PM on January 12

Is this thing on?
posted by needled at 4:32 PM on January 12

Does anybody want to play Questions?
posted by Afroblanco at 4:34 PM on January 12

How much is that doggy in the window?
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 4:40 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

I've been told by the guy who controls the urns (as his territorial work function) that using hot water would screw up the urn's thermostat and it would no longer work properly. Is this bullshit?

Yes.

However, the hot water service that you'd be drawing this pre-heated water from might contain a sacrificial anode, and this will be in no way food-grade. You might end up with more heavy metals in your coffee than is good for you.

I suggest you buy a $10 electric kettle for your coffee room, for use when the urn hasn't got hot enough yet. You can fill the kettle from the urn to make the kettle boil faster.

Sort-of-related question. When I'm not home during the day, I keep my house at 50 degrees. When I come home I usually turn it up to 62 for a few hours in the evening before I turn it back down and go to bed. I've been told that this is inefficient because when I turn the heat up to 62, all the materials in the whole house will keep absorbing heat until they reach the air temperature and it ultimately takes just as much heat to raise the interior temp from 50 to 62 as it would to maintain the house at a consistent 62 all day. Is this bullshit?

Yes.

The total energy required to heat your house in any given period depends on the total heat lost from the house during that period. Heat loss is proportional to temperature difference. What you're doing now is keeping your house's average interior temperature somewhere between 50 and 62, and this will make it lose less heat and therefore require less heating energy than if the average interior temperature was 62.

Any materials inside your house that aren't connected to the exterior will absorb heat when they're cooler than the interior air, and release it when they're warmer than the interior air; the net effect over time, assuming there's no long-term warming or cooling trend in the average interior air temperature, is to stabilize that temperature. Disconnected thermal mass like this has no net effect on the power dissipation required to achieve any given average interior air temperature; that's determined solely by the rate of heat transfer through windows (mostly), walls, floor and roof.
posted by flabdablet at 4:41 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

What is the Dreaded Rear Admiral anyway...?
posted by blaneyphoto at 4:48 PM on January 12

I remember an episode of the Superfriends where Superman was being held in a pool of water. The reason the badguys put him there was that he would, being the man of steel, begin to rust. And he was. And those blasted twins saved the day again. Why, on so many levels?

Why did the earth's mightiest heroes time and again get captured, only to have those obnoxious brats stretch just far enough to touch from inside their overly conveniently close cages to activate their powers? I mean, it happened in every other episode. Were the writers that lazy?

Bob: "Hah, these kids will never expect that the Justice League will get captured and the Wonder Twins will save them!
Steve: Bob, we did that last week.
Bob: Yeah, but kids are dumb. Let's get drunk!
Steve: Sounds good.

And the rust thing. I mean, is that not the worst example of taking things too literally, while at the same time exposing the writer of having absolutely no concept of his source material? I realize at the time that comics were largely a joke to the mainstream, and it was just supposed to be a kids show that no adult would watch (unlike, say, the recent JLA show), but my god, why didn't Steve slap Bob upside the head with some Superman comics and say "This is why Superman rusting because he's in water is the worst idea in the world.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:48 PM on January 12

Who would win in a foot race, Superman or the Flash?
posted by flabdablet at 5:14 PM on January 12

What is the Dreaded Rear Admiral anyway...?

A high-ranking naval officer in violation of the groomin' standards. Duh.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:38 PM on January 12

Superman would cheat.
posted by Pants! at 5:38 PM on January 12

Does the plane take off?
posted by desjardins at 5:48 PM on January 12

AND WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS "CHOLLA"???
posted by waraw at 5:51 PM on January 12

Am I the only one who's tired of rhetorical questions?
posted by dawson at 6:03 PM on January 12

What if this wasn't a rhetorical question?
posted by The Whelk at 6:05 PM on January 12

What if God was ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
posted by cortex at 6:06 PM on January 12 [2 favorites]

How long has this been goin' on?
posted by Crabby Appleton at 6:07 PM on January 12

Damn. Sorry, Joe.
posted by Crabby Appleton at 6:16 PM on January 12

Since about five minutes ago. Or so. Depending on what color hat you're wearing.
posted by Ghidorah at 6:16 PM on January 12

Who's tripping down the streets of the city, smiling at everybody she sees?
posted by Crabby Appleton at 6:17 PM on January 12

Where is the Cooter cam?
posted by buzzman at 6:18 PM on January 12

cortex - how about "what if God WERE one of us?" Doesn't that sound better?

Also, how about
Who's the black private dick WHO'S a sex machine to all the chicks? And
If I WERE a rich girl nananananananana...
posted by Pronoiac at 6:31 PM on January 12

That would be Shaft, John Shaft.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:33 PM on January 12

What is the difference between a duck?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:34 PM on January 12

Right on.
posted by Pronoiac at 6:38 PM on January 12

Guys, where are we?

What's the deal with the numbers?
Why do the Others kidnap people?
What's with the four-toed statue?
How come Richard Alpert doesn't age?
What is the smoke monster?
Can I wait until Jan 21?
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:43 PM on January 12

I'm not sure if I wussed out or made the wise decision. Let me check:

Who is the man that would risk his neck for his brother man?
posted by Pronoiac at 6:47 PM on January 12

My question is: at 489 comments, was there a conspiracy to not ask for whom the bell tolls?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 6:59 PM on January 12

Do you like pina colitis?
say what?
posted by dawson at 7:01 PM on January 12

Why did it take me two days to create 5 cartons I didn't want too create in the first place that I thought would be quick hackwork that ended up ruining an entire sunday night with no guarantee that the hackyity-ass hack work would sell, thus justifying the stupid ass shit I drew?
posted by The Whelk at 7:05 PM on January 12

I think this sounds like a great idea. My first question:

Is this guy for real? Would his site make a good FPP? What would cortex's reason be for deleting it? Well, other than it would obviously be a double.

Honestly, the only thing keeping me for doing this for real is I am am conflicted on if is belongs on meta or askme. Well, that and it's a self-link. Too bad December's contest has ended!

Can I get this comment in the sideblog at least? And anyone that doesn't favorite this comment just isn't into the ladies!
posted by cjorgensen at 7:16 PM on January 12 [3 favorites]

One of its legs is both the same.
posted by flabdablet at 7:18 PM on January 12

Why is a mouse when it spins?
posted by flabdablet at 7:19 PM on January 12

is = it in my above comment! Can I have that 30 second edit?
posted by cjorgensen at 7:19 PM on January 12

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
posted by dawson at 7:39 PM on January 12

Metaphysical writer John Donne appeared early in the thread; his question-not-to-ask, for whom the bell tolls, belongs to a prose meditation about the interconnectedness of society. Ernest Hemingway used it as the title of a novel (1940).
posted by woodway at 7:42 PM on January 12

Is it bad etiquette that I got bored about halfway through and just scrolled to the end to leave my comment? Will I get called out in a future MetaTalk for having bad etiquette? Most importantly, will the booze in the Baileys negate the caffeine in the coffee so I can sleep tonight?

I guess it doesn't matter- I'm still gonna drink it anyway.
posted by dogmom at 7:49 PM on January 12

500?
posted by dawson at 8:04 PM on January 12

HAY WHO LIKES THE LADIES SAY HELL YEAH
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:07 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Is "Every Breath You Take" the creepiest song ever to become a hit?

Not hardly.
posted by hippugeek at 8:08 PM on January 12 [3 favorites]

If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true and help me understand?
posted by waraw at 8:36 PM on January 12

Do you believe that I have the power to transform myself into pure love?

bonus points if you can name the movie that's from
posted by Burhanistan at 8:41 PM on January 12

Powder?
posted by cjorgensen at 9:03 PM on January 12

Did someone mention pure love?
posted by dawson at 9:04 PM on January 12

Does anyone get little shooting pains in their perineum for no reason, ever? What is the cause of that?

No, me neither.
posted by exlotuseater at 9:09 PM on January 12

"John Donne, Anne Donne, Undone."
posted by The Whelk at 9:10 PM on January 12

Does your chewing gum lose it's flavor on the bed post overnight?
Should I point out that I love Ronnie Milsap and have since 1973? Not just the man's music, but the man as well?
posted by dawson at 9:10 PM on January 12

Does any get bored and just stab needles into the crotches of creepy dolls for no reason, ever?
posted by cortex at 9:16 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

you need a reason?
posted by The Whelk at 9:17 PM on January 12

What if God was ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

Truth is a river, and God is the mouth of the river.
posted by lysdexic at 9:21 PM on January 12

man is music?
posted by dawson at 9:21 PM on January 12

Oh, yeah, to answer the Big Question from #1:

"Cats only condescendingly permit us to live in the same house with them. They own us. You die less from heart attacks because it's cheaper for them to keep you alive than to find another pet human."

-some cat on the internet
posted by lysdexic at 9:23 PM on January 12

cortexAdmin: "Does any get bored and just stab needles into the crotches of creepy dolls for no reason, ever?"

Creepy dolls?
posted by geekyguy at 9:24 PM on January 12

-some cat on the internet?
posted by dawson at 9:59 PM on January 12

Just because they can't use the touchpad doesn't mean they can't type.
posted by lysdexic at 10:08 PM on January 12

How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
posted by DiscourseMarker at 10:23 PM on January 12

What's my scene? Tell me, I gotta know!
posted by h00py at 11:30 PM on January 12

Is anybody going to San Antone, or Phoenix Arizona?
posted by dawson at 11:32 PM on January 12

Buffalo BuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffalo ?
posted by lalochezia at 11:35 PM on January 12

As Quine concludes “Ontological Questions, under this view, are on a par with questions of natural science”. However, Quine did not have what one might call a metaphysical understanding of the project of natural science. His cock was also v.v. small.
posted by lalochezia at 11:37 PM on January 12

lalochezia: "Buffalo BuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffalo ?"

I think it's time we stop.

Hey... what's that sound?
posted by team lowkey at 11:38 PM on January 12

You talkin' to me?
You talkin' to me?
You talkin' to me?
Then who the hell else are you talking--
You talking to me?
posted by terranova at 11:39 PM on January 12

Who moved my cheese?
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 11:59 PM on January 12

Where'd the cheese go?
posted by h00py at 12:32 AM on January 13

What was it made Raphael cool, but crude?
And is that better than being a party dude?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:56 AM on January 13

Who's on first?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:59 AM on January 13

Does anyone read the posts down here?
posted by sambosambo at 2:50 AM on January 13

Who moved my cheese?

That was me. Sorry. Check over by the TV.
posted by ShawnString at 3:58 AM on January 13

Who moved my cheese?

OH HAI. I had yr cheez, but then I ated it.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:04 AM on January 13

If you were up to your neck in a barrel full of shit and I threw a baseball at your head, would you duck?
posted by fixedgear at 4:15 AM on January 13

Quousque tandem abutere, Catilina, patientia nostra?
posted by languagehat at 6:03 AM on January 13

Why do you ask Two-Dogs-Fucking?
posted by pianomover at 6:31 AM on January 13 [1 favorite]

Ask a Llama

Also,
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur

So there. :P
posted by lysdexic at 6:53 AM on January 13

What is the Dreaded Rear Admiral anyway...?
posted by jefeweiss at 7:02 AM on January 13

Are you not entertained?
posted by Joe Beese at 7:02 AM on January 13

Let me ask you something. What time of the day do you like to make love? Have you ever made love just before breakfast? Have you ever made love while you watched the late, late show?

Well, let me ask you this: have you ever made love on a couch?

Well, let me ask you this: have you ever made love on the back seat of a car?

(I remember one time I made love on the back seat of a car, and the police came and shined his light on me, and I said, "I'm strokin'. That's what I'm doing. I be strokin'.'')
posted by milquetoast at 7:09 AM on January 13 [1 favorite]

would nero wolfe make a good nusical?
posted by clavdivs at 7:30 AM on January 13

musical
posted by clavdivs at 7:33 AM on January 13

Would Jesus wear a Rolex on his television show?
posted by dawson at 7:45 AM on January 13

would nero wolfe make a good nusical opera?
posted by The Whelk at 7:50 AM on January 13

Would Jesus wear a Rolex on his television show?
no, the Jaffa 2000 Sundial, sleek leather band.
posted by clavdivs at 7:51 AM on January 13

he would for certain write a good opera.
posted by clavdivs at 7:52 AM on January 13

Does Jesus have Daddy issues?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:01 AM on January 13

Does Jesus have Daddy issues?

And how. If they can't settle it amongst Themselves, the Holy Spirit has to adjudicate.
posted by Joe Beese at 9:03 AM on January 13

Does Jesus have Daddy issues?

Does Joseph have paternity issues?

... Paper or plastic?
posted by terranova at 9:40 AM on January 13

What's your sign?
posted by pianomover at 10:16 AM on January 13

What did Odin whisper in the ear of the dead Balder?

Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?
posted by ormondsacker at 10:20 AM on January 13

Neon.

*blinks*
*blows mind*
posted by cortex at 10:21 AM on January 13

Is God powerful enough that he could make a rock so heavy that even he could not pick it up?
posted by pianomover at 10:31 AM on January 13

pianomover: He can't limit his power, so nope.
posted by Pronoiac at 10:41 AM on January 13

Still no word on the egg posts then?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:47 AM on January 13

4 8 15 16 23 42
posted by lunit at 11:01 AM on January 13

I am the egg post, goo goo g'joob.
posted by The Whelk at 11:03 AM on January 13

Guy's, particularly middle aged guys-often British-who enjoy dressing in stockings, panties and toe-nail paint...whatever did they do for exhibition purposes before the advent of flickr?
posted by dawson at 11:14 AM on January 13

"Guy's"? For fuck's' sake I'm daft.
posted by dawson at 11:16 AM on January 13

Is God powerful enough that he could make a rock so heavy that even he could not pick it up?


George Carlin? Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? Like that?
posted by fixedgear at 11:21 AM on January 13

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
posted by never used baby shoes at 11:21 AM on January 13

I was flipping by some show (I forget the name) and a woman said she gave a man a "Bill Clinton" behind a bar.... what was she talking about?

Also she had disproportionately skinny arms in comparison to her head and torso - YANHD, but what might have caused this condition?
posted by Julnyes at 11:23 AM on January 13

Am I the only one?
posted by found missing at 11:31 AM on January 13

No
posted by AD_ at 11:35 AM on January 13

How long have fortune cookies had lottery numbers in them? Did they have lottery numbers back when lotteries were illegal in most states?
posted by burnmp3s at 11:43 AM on January 13

By the end of 2009 how many posts will have the tags: tuna in oil, penis ventriloquism and John Donne?
posted by pixlboi at 11:58 AM on January 13 [1 favorite]

What did Odin whisper in the ear of the dead Balder?

"Neon."

That is fairly mindblowing.
posted by ormondsacker at 12:15 PM on January 13

What's your sign?

Stop.
posted by lysdexic at 12:18 PM on January 13

Can I get a witness?
posted by Joe Beese at 12:40 PM on January 13

Guy's, particularly middle aged guys-often British-who enjoy dressing in stockings, panties and toe-nail paint...whatever did they do for exhibition purposes before the advent of flickr?

I have a story.

BF and I are staying in London when we're told there is some trouble at the hotel we're booked in and everyone is being sent to this other place near Earl's Court. So we go there and check-in and it's a charming little place. Very old fashioned, very British, very B-n-B. It even has a scary old woman in the "TV room" chain-smoking! Delightful!

Delightful and charming however, means "no elevators", so we have to lug our bags up to the 5th floor. Fine. We don't notice anything unusual (aside from the artfully framed "erotica" on the wall, but it was billed as a gay B-n-B) until we pass an open door containing a room filled with wigs. Hundreds of them. In every possible color and combination. ooooky, maybe they put on shows or something. That would be delightfully, charmingly British, right?

Our dinner reservations are for 8 so we pop down to the little bar in the hotel's basement. It's early but already half-full. It's also pretty dark so we don't notice anything unusual about the groups of dumpy middle-aged women sitting in the corners. Then someone starts taking pictures. In the light of the flashbulb it suddenly dawns on us that these are not dumpy middle-aged women enjoying a night out. They are dumpy middle-aged men dressed like Edith from Accounts Payable. It is soon apparent that *everyone* in the bar is crossdressing. The old lady in the TV room is a dude in a fright wig and enough rouge to make an Avon lady drop her compact and go for the natural look.

When we return from dinner, a 6 foot tall black woman in full leather gear is checking in with a mousy older man. A lot of people seem to be checking in and out quickly. All night we overhear strange and muffled noises from the other rooms. At midnight, a group starts singing Sandy Shaw tunes, loudly and drunkenly, in the bar.

It was the best trip ever.
posted by The Whelk at 12:45 PM on January 13 [3 favorites]

Dearest Metafilter-lurking roommate,

Did you get a ticket for the People's Inaugural Ball?

Will you be wearing this riding habit to the gala?

Love,
harperpitt
posted by harperpitt at 1:44 PM on January 13

maybe.
posted by eulily at 1:47 PM on January 13 [2 favorites]

WTF is rectal exam porn?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:59 PM on January 13

Twenty bucks, same as in town.

For thirty, your friend can watch.
posted by cortex at 3:02 PM on January 13

Marissa Stole The Precious Thing:

These are the answers to your questions about True Blood.

1. No idea. Nobody I've talked to knows. It's almost totally ridiculous.

2. Recall when Bill has to turn that christian girl into a vampire. Once they wake up, and she's been turned, he explains that the last part of turning a human is to lie with them and in some way share his mystical energy while they recover from the draining.

3. Near as I can figure, his sense of smell thing - when in human form - is not actually supernatural. He just developed a tendency to use that sense more since he has such a natural affinity for dogs and shifting into their shape. Short of walking right up to Renee and smelling his pits, he's not gonna pick much up about anyone. I may be wrong, though.

4. totally convenient. this show is addictive, but so unbelievably badly written.

5. no, she could not have. for a show that purports to be about tolerance, it is the most offensively stereotypical show about race and sexual preference issues I have ever seen. Don't even get me started on Lafayette. The only gay guy in the main cast, and he's not only black and gay he's also a pornographer, drug dealer and prostitute. They just lumped every form of deviance they were comfortable with and stuck it on the black guy.

6. yes, she was also really badly written. not incredibly surprising, though, since she was dating the worst written character on the show besides Sookie.

7. yup. for real, the entire show is so badly written (or at least, the books the show is based on were.) it also happens to be addictively fun. I watch it the same way I smoke cigarettes. I know I'm not doing myself any good by doing it, but damn it if I don't love it anyway.
posted by shmegegge at 3:09 PM on January 13 [2 favorites]

WTF is a "cortex" ?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:14 PM on January 13

Thank you, shmegegge. And yes, I agree the series was addictive. I did watch every single episode, after all, even after Sookie was cleaning up her meema's blood from the kitchen floor. Don't they have crime scene people for that? Why would the cops haul out the body and say, "Welp, guess we're all done here. You need an extra mop? We can lend you some Comet if you want. Better get to it, blood tends to stain quickly. Bye!"
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:35 PM on January 13

WTF is a "cortex" ?

Matt and Jessamyn's lovechild?
posted by crossoverman at 3:38 PM on January 13

$20, same as in town. See also: cortex.

My question is...does it do any harm to my water heater for me to turn on the hot water for just a few second if I have a tankless water heater? (ie, only heats water upon request) Mr. epersonae keeps saying that it will cause lots of extra wear, but that seems crazy to me. Note that usually I don't actually get any hot water when I do this, because it takes so damn long for the hot water to get over to the kitchen. I'm just absent-minded. I've officially "let it go" and am just turning on the cold, but I think he's being OCD about it. DTMFA? (but no, seriously, I've been thinking about asking this.)
posted by epersonae at 3:44 PM on January 13

It will definitely cause extra wear, but whether that counts as "lots" depends on how often you do this compared to how often you actually use the thing to make hot water.

Every time you turn on your hot tap, your tankless heater senses the water flow, turns on the gas and fires itself up. When you turn the tap off, the gas turns off and the heater shuts down. The valve that turns the gas on and off is a mechanical component. Total wear on that valve depends on the number of times the water flow is stopped and started, not on the total amount of time you're drawing water from the heater.

Also, firing a short burst of flame through the heater without giving it the few seconds it needs to actually heat your water will promote condensation inside the heating chamber, which may cause corrosion if you do it a lot, as well as being a pure waste of gas.

If you like the feel of the hot water tap better than the feel of the cold water tap (does it perhaps take less twiddling to make water come out?) just persuade Mr. epersonae to fix the tap washers. Then you both win.
posted by flabdablet at 3:59 PM on January 13 [1 favorite]

"Welp, guess we're all done here. You need an extra mop? We can lend you some Comet if you want. Better get to it, blood tends to stain quickly. Bye!"

not that far from the truth, although it tends to be more people who die alone than working crime scenes

Crime Scene Cleaners on TAL.
posted by The Whelk at 4:10 PM on January 13 [1 favorite]

thanks, flabdablet! it's more that we have an all-in-one faucet, and I very often end up leaving it in the hot position when I turn it off, if that makes sense. I hadn't thought about the corrosion, either.
posted by epersonae at 5:10 PM on January 13

From the OCD optimization department: if you make it your habit to push the tap to the cold position as you're turning it off, you're more likely to keep Mr. epersonae happy. You're also more likely to remember to do something fiddly but tap-related when you've just finished using the tap than when you first walk up to it.
posted by flabdablet at 5:18 PM on January 13 [1 favorite]

How am I driving?
posted by pianomover at 5:57 PM on January 13

How am I driving?

I think we're parked, dude.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:29 PM on January 13

How am I drinking?
posted by jonmc at 6:34 PM on January 13

How should I respond if a coworker offers advice about my bowel health?
posted by woodway at 7:08 PM on January 13

How should I respond if a coworker offers advice about my bowel health?
Print this thread out and give it to him?
posted by dawson at 7:12 PM on January 13

Why isn't this on the sidebar yet?
posted by buzzman at 8:32 PM on January 13

hello?
posted by cjorgensen at 8:35 PM on January 13

How should I respond if a coworker offers advice about my bowel health?

Tell him to keep his head up his own ass and to stay out of yours.
posted by jonmc at 9:18 PM on January 13

Did John Gruber and Jack Schofield organize this veritable shit storm of an average of a post on the grey every 2 hours since this was posted thereby pushing it off the front page of metatalk? And "how do i turn off live preview"? Are you serious? And then 'opps my bad!111!eleventy?
And, if I said you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
posted by dawson at 9:35 PM on January 13

So Season Five of the Wire, WTF? I watched the ENTIRE SERIES in 4 days as part of a spree and I need to talk to about it NOW.

Nothing ever Changes and Virtue is always unrewarded. Damn that's some Norse shit, not Greek. Shhhhhhheeeeeit
posted by The Whelk at 10:19 PM on January 13

Why isn't this on the sidebar yet?

I didn't mention the dangerously skinny 60-year old tranny with the huge, massive red wig and perfect circle rouge cheeks who only answered to "Madam". Sorry.


He got pull back shots like no ones business.
posted by The Whelk at 10:23 PM on January 13

So Season Five of the Wire, WTF? I watched the ENTIRE SERIES in 4 days as part of a spree and I need to talk to about it NOW.

You should wait for Kattulus to show up. He and I have two divergent opinions on Season 5.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:28 PM on January 13

I'm on the "noyasgoodwithfewerepisodesbutgreatsummationofthemesevenifitwasabitmoresensationalisticthanIwouldlikeandthethemesofeverythinggoingback tothestartwithnothingeverchangingeverisreallygoodandyah thenewsroomsscenesareabitindulgent" camp.
posted by The Whelk at 10:36 PM on January 13

Is it really over? The sun came up and 594 was still standing . . .
posted by emhutchinson at 7:15 AM on January 14

I'm on the "... thenewsroomsscenesareabitindulgent" camp.

See, I loved that storyline a lot, personally. The frustrated editor, the willfully ignorant publisher blabbing about the "Dickensian" aspect of another of Scott's fabrications, and his continuing success. I kept wanting him to get busted, over and over, hated him so very much, but when the final minutes of the final episode wound down, I had to agree - that's probably how it'd play out.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 7:22 AM on January 14

How do you stay warm in the cold shadow of death?
posted by cortex at 7:29 AM on January 14

I used to create, but then I saw they got these little heat chemical packets at the drugstore, you can put 'em right inside your mittens. I use those now.
posted by Greg Nog at 7:49 AM on January 14

Did I not do my joebeesean part here?
posted by dawson at 9:19 AM on January 14

How do you stay warm in the cold shadow of death?

Fifty bucks. You want a discount, go into town.
posted by lysdexic at 9:21 AM on January 14

I was going to ask "what's up with the 'same as in town' thing?" but then I (god forbid) Googled it! And who should I find?
posted by epersonae at 9:46 AM on January 14

It's going on my headstone, epersonae.
posted by cortex at 10:14 AM on January 14

"Son, Husband, Mod. He thought the prices in town were pretty reasonable."
posted by cortex at 10:15 AM on January 14

I'm stunned that SAIT isn't already listed as an in joke on the wiki. Fixed that.
posted by Pronoiac at 10:35 AM on January 14

SAIT is just an in-joke among Albertans.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:55 AM on January 14

I expect still the I gave in which be able customize the price... of another way I followed austere.
posted by dawson at 10:56 AM on January 14

It's going on my headstone, epersonae.

You wish. Your headstone is still reading BUTTSLOL. Sorry.
posted by languagehat at 1:14 PM on January 14 [3 favorites]

Do the short, metal cans of Hershey's Syrup contain the same product as the chocolate-flavored syrup they sell in plastic squeeze bottles? Do they taste differently? And why didn't "serop" win the orthographical sweepstakes? Or "surrip?" An Arabic word adopted via French into English probably deserves to be a little strange, but when you think about it, the vowels of "syrup" seem phonetically backwards.
posted by woodway at 1:52 PM on January 14

Pronunciation of "syrup" varies—some folks give the first syllable something like "sear", while others (and this'd be you, I'm guessing) give it "sir". I'd bet that most people in either case pronounce a neutral schwa for the second syllable, which phoneme is a notorious source of disagreements in folk analysis of the phonetic content of spoken language; but it's possible some folks do indeed say something like "ip" for the second syllable.

I am not a linguist, though.
posted by cortex at 2:12 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]

... using either jelly or sirp. I prefer sirp.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:08 PM on January 14

I wish to apologize for evoking Tossed Salad Man. I have wronged you all, and for that I am truly, deeply sorry.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:12 PM on January 14

Why is Bob your uncle?

Apparently Robert was a HUGELY popular name for boys in the midwest back in the 30's, which is how all 3 of my aunts ended up marrying Bobs and one married 2 Bobs. Seriously.

Will this thread set the record for greatest number of comments?

Pffft. No chance. You young whippersnappers don't have the commitment it takes.

Does this thread make me look fat?
While darker colors are sliming, you want to stay away from horizontal lines. I suggest trying on a nice Japanese thread.

All right, who farted?
It was the dog.

Who's tripping down the streets of the city, smiling at everybody she sees?
Wendy. Or possibly, Windy.

Does anyone get little shooting pains in their perineum for no reason, ever? What is the cause of that?

I do. I've stopped thinking it is a horrible cancer-down-there and figure it is gas. Kegels, really, really, protractracted kegels are your friend.

Tomorrow when I go grocery shopping I better find some damn bacon in some damn resealable packages.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:55 PM on January 14

As it turns out, darker colors are both sliming AND slimming. How you choose to use this information is up to you.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:57 PM on January 14

You say dark-colo(u)red Hershey's Syrup is slim(m)ing, regardless of packaging? *opens fridge* (remains single)
posted by woodway at 5:09 PM on January 14

you know, it occurs to me that you could just open yr bacon upon your return from the modern-day meat monger and place it in a gallon zip lock bag and solve a host of problems. Or like me you could buy meat from a local farmer and the bacon doesn't even come pre-sliced. Then you can have quarter inch thick slices with your sunny side up eggs and hot Bloody Mary.
posted by dawson at 5:11 PM on January 14

A serviceable Hot Bloody Mary recipe:

Serves/Makes: 8 1 / Ready In: 1-2 hrs

Ingredients:
48 ounces Spicy V8 vegetable juice
1/3 cup dry Italian salad dressing mix*
horseradish, to taste
celery stalks
a decent vodka

Directions:
Mix vegetable juice, salad dressing mix, and horseradish to taste in Crockpot. COVER and cook on HIGH for 1 to 2 hr. SERVE in mugs with a celery stalk and a jigger of vodka.

*1 tablespoon garlic powder
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 tablespoon white sugar
2 tablespoons dried oregano
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon dried basil
1 tablespoon dried parsley
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes

Mix ingredients throughly. Or just use Good Seasonings brand.

Gosh that was all strangely liberating.
posted by dawson at 5:22 PM on January 14 [4 favorites]

Do the short, metal cans of Hershey's Syrup contain the same product as the chocolate-flavored syrup they sell in plastic squeeze bottles?

It's the same syrup. But as to flavor, it's one of those things - like, Coke is Coke, but it tastes much better from a glass bottle, second best from plastic, and third best from a can. I can sometimes detect container flavors in food. Hershey's syrup was much better from the metal can. And not only because the plastic makes it taste plasticky, but because it was fun to use the pointy end of the bottle opener for a change. You hardly ever get to do that any more.
posted by Miko at 6:54 PM on January 14

What's your sign?

Wait, don't tell me...

so late
posted by Bdave at 10:03 PM on January 14

Why is Bob your uncle?

The most attractive theory — albeit suspiciously neat — is that it derives from a prolonged act of political nepotism. The Victorian prime minister, Lord Salisbury (family name Robert Cecil, pronounced /sɪsɪl/ ) appointed his rather less than popular nephew Arthur Balfour to a succession of posts. The most controversial, in 1887, was chief secretary of Ireland, a post for which Balfour — despite his intellectual gifts — was considered unsuitable.(worldwidewords)
posted by BrotherCaine at 12:04 AM on January 15 [2 favorites]

no, it dates back to the old currency, when "a bob" was the widely-used slang for a shilling (one twentieth of a pound).

of course, money went a lot further those days - a few pounds would buy you some real estate, whereas a bob could score you a romp with a whore.

hence the origin of the phrase: "we don't know who your father is, but bob's your uncle"
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:20 AM on January 15

What can you get a wookie for Christmas when he already owns a comb?
posted by Pronoiac at 8:45 AM on January 15

You shave him and sell him his hair back as a beautiful wig?
posted by The Whelk at 9:16 AM on January 15

Where could Linda Ellerbee?
posted by pixlboi at 10:58 AM on January 15

You shave him. I'm not going near him with anything sharp. I like having arms. That are attached. Not using duct tape.
posted by Pronoiac at 11:32 AM on January 15

Detangler spray.
posted by ardgedee at 12:23 PM on January 15

barrettes?
posted by epersonae at 12:35 PM on January 15

chewing tobaccie?
posted by Rumple at 1:53 PM on January 15

Advantage Flea Killer for Wookies


Advantage® is the fastest topical solution for your wookie slave’s care, proven to stop fleas from biting within 3 to 5 minutes after application. Fast working, Advantage wookie medicine kills 98-100 percent of fleas within 12 hours of initial application. In addition, one convenient treatment lasts for up to one month, which means you don’t have to worry about your wookie slave’s productivity in between treatments.

Advantage is water-resistant, so it kills fleas even after shampooing, swimming, or exposure to low pressure space environments, imperial decontamination chambers, rain and sunlight. Make sure that you have this medicine in your slave barrack infirmary so your wookie slave productivity and turnover will stay optimal.

Features/Use/Recommendation

The active ingredient, imidacloprid, works in the flea’s bloodstream and nervous system, paralyzing and killing the existing population and breaking up the life cycle of the flea to avoid infestation.

The use of Advantage for Mitichlorian reduction is strictly off-label, and the manufacturer makes no claims to its efficacy in this area.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:26 PM on January 15

Revolution® for your Wookie friend or life debt companion. (Many Bothan procurement analysts died to provide you with this information)

Revolution is the first-ever rebel alliance approved, topically applied medication for Wookies that:
Kills adult fleas (Ctenocephalides felis) and prevents flea eggs from hatching.
Prevents 'Sarlac Breath' syndrome.
Treats and controls aggressive sentient fungi.

How does Revolution® (selamectin) work?

Revolution enters the bloodstream through the skin. Concentrations of Revolution in the blood and tissues prevent parisitic infection. Revolution selectively redistributes from the blood to the skin and other tissues, where it provides protection against fleas, flea eggs, and ear mites. Revolution promotes conditions for optimal Mitichlorian symbiosis.


What are the most common side effects?

Revolution is generally well-tolerated. In studies, less than 1% of Wookies flew into violent rages and tore the arms off of researchers. Approximately 1% of Wookies experienced temporary hair loss at the application site. Do not use in sick, weak or underweight Wookies, or recently freed imperial slaves. See rebel procurement information for more details.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:00 PM on January 15

Malkovich Malkovich Malkovitch, Malkovitch?
posted by birdsquared at 11:13 PM on January 16

Yuuuuummmmm!
posted by mds35 at 8:03 PM on January 18

At what point does CPR become Necrophilia?
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:35 PM on January 18

Why does that guy who ate my plums think he can get away with a half-assed apology?
posted by ersatz at 10:29 AM on January 19

They were delicious: so sweet, and so cold.
And, he's bigger than you.
posted by woodway at 11:31 AM on January 19

the snark I've so lovingly crafted.
posted by yeti at 2:20 PM on January 19