The PecuLate Show

January 27, 2009 9:17 AM

Have you noticed that David Letterman's writers are getting a bit lazy lately?

They even write themselves into the show as guests in an attempt to make fun of their own lame jokes. So last night they use my MetaFilter comment in Letterman's monologue. Coincidence? Sure. What are the odds? My lawyers are sending a cease-and-desist letter as I type. Watch your asses, people. Just sayin'. We have a mole.

posted by weapons-grade pandemonium to MetaFilter-Related at 9:17 AM (85 comments total)

At least four comments I've made on MetaFilter have been repeated as jokes on "The Daily Show", but I doubt that's anything more than a coincidence. Unless "the mole" is willing to out himself here.
posted by ColdChef at 9:22 AM on January 27, 2009 [3 favorites]

At least Dave was smart enough to un-favorite that comment before taking it to his writers. Also: nice tags.
posted by joe lisboa at 9:24 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Have you noticed that weapons-grade pandemonium is getting a bit lazy lately?

He even writes himself into Metatalk in an attempt to make fun of his own lame jokes!

I keed.
posted by backseatpilot at 9:27 AM on January 27, 2009

I can't tell if the "cease-and-desist" thing is facetious or not, but otherwise, wow. What is their routine, hit up Metafilter, click "Top Favourites", and just scroll through the list?
posted by Phire at 9:28 AM on January 27, 2009

Plate -o- Shrimp.
posted by bondcliff at 9:28 AM on January 27, 2009

Uh, my mom made that joke on Inauguration Day. For real. Just saying. i don't think it's as original as you think it is.
posted by amro at 9:30 AM on January 27, 2009 [8 favorites]

What amro said.
posted by languagehat at 9:31 AM on January 27, 2009

And all this time I was embarrassed that I decided to make this FPP. Clearly I was justified all along in thinking that television joke writers aren't capable of coming up with totally obvious jokes on their own, but have to steal them from the internet.
posted by Caduceus at 9:32 AM on January 27, 2009

This is how people get stabbed.
posted by The Straightener at 9:32 AM on January 27, 2009 [4 favorites]

I know, amro. I was standing beside her.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:32 AM on January 27, 2009

weapons-grade pandemonium: "So last night they use my MetaFilter comment in Letterman's monologue."

They made a joke about the inauguration on January 26? That's not lazy, that's slow.
posted by Plutor at 9:34 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm outraged! 38 people faved a completely obvious, thoroughly over-told joke??
posted by DU at 9:36 AM on January 27, 2009

So which one of the 38 people is the Letterman writer?
posted by jerseygirl at 9:39 AM on January 27, 2009

I'm pretty sure it's languagehat.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:41 AM on January 27, 2009

I know, amro. I was standing beside her.

Wow, so you admit you ripped off my mom? Not cool.
posted by amro at 9:43 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ooh, burn.
posted by joe lisboa at 9:43 AM on January 27, 2009

I was on top of her.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:43 AM on January 27, 2009

Wait, what?
posted by joe lisboa at 9:43 AM on January 27, 2009

Jokes about people's mothers are not cool. Whoever did that should be ashamed.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:45 AM on January 27, 2009

Ist Zeitgeist, nein?
posted by mippy at 9:45 AM on January 27, 2009

I'm pretty sure it's languagehat.

more like david languagehatman amirite
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:00 AM on January 27, 2009

Astro Zombie, your mother should be ashamed after what she and I did last night. Deeply, deeply ashamed.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:12 AM on January 27, 2009

more like david languageFATman amirite LOL
posted by scrump at 10:19 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

I wish everyone would stop robbing my jokes and posting them before I get a chance to and nabbing all my favourties.
posted by Elmore at 10:24 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

This reminds me of that fated day when I was awakened before dawn by the most brilliant idea. This was the invention that would not only make me, but it would change the lives of millions around the world. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that someone else had already invented "Shoes".
posted by ob at 10:28 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

Jokes about people's mothers are not cool

OK, your mother is out. She's out.

What time you want me to bring the bitch back?

<>
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:31 AM on January 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

damn. that was supposed to be a close "WhiteMenCantJump" tag.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:32 AM on January 27, 2009

Also, I've taken comedy writing classes where they teach you to look at the newspaper/internet and write those "setup/punchline" type of jokes ("two-liners"). I would write stuff and then see it on the late shows or SNL on a weekly basis. It's not surprising when everyone is drawing from the same material.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:35 AM on January 27, 2009

You'll notice that you never see Letterman and languagehat in the same place, at the same time.
posted by doctor_negative at 10:38 AM on January 27, 2009

We can get to the, er, bottom of this very easily. Did Letterman say the door hit him IN the ass or ON the ass? Surely ON the ass is the more common way a door hits one on the way out. If they repeated WGPs description of the door hitting Cheney IN the ass, then pilferage and evil fuckery is more or less proven.
posted by Nick Verstayne at 10:40 AM on January 27, 2009

"door hit him in the ass": 771 hits.

"door hit him on the ass": 748 hits.

DEAD HEAT, PEOPLE
posted by scrump at 10:42 AM on January 27, 2009

Pilferage, evil fuckery, and Cheney all in the same sentence. Plus ça change.
posted by Nick Verstayne at 10:45 AM on January 27, 2009

Dead heat? More like humiliating defeat to me. Wait, am I in the basketball thread?
posted by Nick Verstayne at 10:48 AM on January 27, 2009

No offense, but the injury-was-door-hitting-guy-in-the-ass-on-the-way-out is obvious, as were all the jokes about Cheney being Emperor Palpatine, etc.

Would have been funnier to say that he finally threw out his back after fucking America in the ass for 8 years. But I fear that in these tough times even butt-fucking jokes are getting a bit played.

So that is why, today, here on Metatalk, I am announcing my intention to elevate a long-cherished sign of intimacy to the pantheon of sex-acts-as-abuse-of-power metaphor, along side the old standards of fellatio, watersports, and anal sex.

In anticipation of the 2010 fiscal budget and its projected attendant $1 trillion deficit, I invite you, my fellow Americans, to quietly kneel, push aside your left eye, and await your skullfucking.
posted by Pastabagel at 11:00 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

What? "In the ass" is completely vulgar. Of course it's "on the ass." Who are you people?
posted by roll truck roll at 11:14 AM on January 27, 2009

We're metafilter. And we're all up in your ass.
posted by exogenous at 11:22 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

You'll notice that you never see Letterman and languagehat in the same place, at the same time.

He had me on the show but my segment never aired because I WAS FUNNIER THAN HE WAS.
posted by languagehat at 11:25 AM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

roll truck roll: "What? "In the ass" is completely vulgar. Of course it's "on the ass." Who are you people?"

What if the door hit him "in the shoulder"? Everyone would understand it didn't mean "inside" but rather a preposition used to indicate location. Why is Cheney's ass different than his shoulder?
posted by Plutor at 11:35 AM on January 27, 2009

Why is Cheney's ass different than his shoulder?

I don't know, why is Cheney's ass different than this shoulder?
posted by ob at 11:37 AM on January 27, 2009 [4 favorites]

Pastabagel wrote "Cheney being Emperor Palpatine"

Cheney? Wrong neocon, buddy.
posted by caution live frogs at 11:38 AM on January 27, 2009

Man, don't you hate it how whenever Conan drops a humorous "confession" he has to immediately smother it with a loud "UHHHHHHH" meant to move the conversation onwards? Like, "Tonight we have 3 manly guests here to do manly things and I have nothing to prove to them ... except that I'm gay UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Well let me bring out blah blah blah ..." I fucking hate it and he does it constantly. Just make your joke and move on, we don't need the fucking help to get over that speed bump.
posted by cowbellemoo at 11:40 AM on January 27, 2009

Plutor, I see your prepositional query and raise you a THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE SHOULDER.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:44 AM on January 27, 2009 [3 favorites]

Why is Cheney's ass different than his shoulder?

I don't know, why is Cheney's ass different than this shoulder?

Here's the guy!
posted by roll truck roll at 11:56 AM on January 27, 2009

"As we were talking about Joke Theft, here's an interesting case."
posted by filthy light thief at 11:57 AM on January 27, 2009

does Micheal Straight impression
posted by clavdivs at 12:00 PM on January 27, 2009

it's a co-winky-dink my well fissioned freind.
ass hitting and doors with a wheelchair + cheney? too....
common
posted by clavdivs at 12:03 PM on January 27, 2009

clavdivs, I served in the KGB with Micheal Straight. I knew Micheal Straight. Micheal Straight was a freind of mine. clavdivs, you're no Micheal Straight.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:08 PM on January 27, 2009

I made that joke to my friend as we watched the Inauguration - I will await your C&D letter.
posted by tristeza at 12:24 PM on January 27, 2009

Why is Cheney's ass different than his shoulder?

I don't know, why is Cheney's ass different than this shoulder?

One is the joint where he manipulates his armies.
The other was the 43rd president of the United States of America.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:41 PM on January 27, 2009

Cheney? Wrong neocon, buddy.

Emperor Palpatine was just plain Senator Palpatine once, too.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 12:42 PM on January 27, 2009

He had me on the show but my segment never aired because I WAS FUNNIER THAN HE WAS.

Funny, when he was on *my* show I didn't air his segment for exactly the same reason.
posted by Ryvar at 12:49 PM on January 27, 2009

You spent more time tagging this post than I spent writing my last 15 comments, and one of them was as straightup Simpsons theft (12 favorites, yo)
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 12:49 PM on January 27, 2009

one of them was as straightup Simpsons theft
posted by stupidsexyFlanders

eponydiddly
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:53 PM on January 27, 2009 [3 favorites]

I just do an impression.
like
phhhill-phillbby
posted by clavdivs at 12:57 PM on January 27, 2009

I invented tortilla chips. Was eating some soup, out of bread (friend of mine invented bread, but he called it edible sponge, never sold well) for toast, and needed something crispy to add some texture, so I stuck two tortillas in the toaster oven. I don't know if you've ever had a fresh-toasted tortilla, but let me tell you, friend, they are delicious. I could be a billionaire today if Thomas "Alva" Edison hadn't come along and stolen my idea. Bastard didn't even mention me in his Nobel acceptance speech.
posted by fidelity at 1:11 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

In a former life, I ran comedy clubs in So Cal. Big name place, you've heard of it.

Yes, there is comedy theft and hacks. But comedians also recognize the power of parallel thinking -- that's the real reason you hear a seemingly never-ending flow of jokes about airline food and the funny differences between men and women. It's obvious. Everyone sees it. It's a target. If we're all shooting at the same target, it's likely we're all standing in the same place to do it.

"The door hit Cheney in the ass" is a good line. But it's not so, so terribly original that someone from a team of professional writers (figure about 20+ writers on Letterman's staff at any given time) couldn't have thought of it.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:47 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Jokes about people's mothers are not cool

Yeah, she was totally saying that right before I ... oh, nevermind.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:49 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

OKAY, HERE'S A TEST:

I was listening to some jerk being interviewed on the radio, and, after a particularly rancid statement, I thought:

Wow! That one just PINNED THE CRAPTOMETER!

There are no google hits on it now. So we just lurk. And listen. If it shows up...
posted by hexatron at 4:57 PM on January 27, 2009

It was my last day as vice-president and I accidentally wheelchair.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 5:00 PM on January 27, 2009

Anyway, Letterman's superannuated frat-boy shtick jumped the shark years before jump the shark was invented. He was really pretty good in the 1980's (a completely dubbed show, a show that rotated one full turn during the hour, seriously unpredictable guests, the watermelon drop) and later Chris Elliot provided some moments.

But it's been running on empty for a long time now, though I only see it when colbert is off.
posted by hexatron at 5:08 PM on January 27, 2009

The whole network late night show thing has been tired for years. But if Leno and Letterman are both dangling off a cliff, and I must save one... well, don't let the cliff hit your chin on the way down, Jay.
posted by jerseygirl at 5:15 PM on January 27, 2009

Plutor: Why is Cheney's ass different than his shoulder?

It's not. It's different from it.
posted by emelenjr at 5:24 PM on January 27, 2009

jerseygirl, that reminds of that time when Wile E. Coyote was building an Acme gadget on Jay Leno's chin but then he accidentally drilled right through Jay Leno's chin and Jay Leno's chin collapsed and Wile E. Coyote fell like a mile and landed in a crater in the valley below and then he held up a tiny umbrella but it wasn't nearly enough to protect him when the rest of Jay Leno's chin fell on him.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:49 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

In a former life, I ran comedy clubs in So Cal. Big name place, you've heard of it.
Igby's Comedy Cabaret in West L.A.? (sorry, that's a very inside, personal reference to the place where I witnessed Dana Carvey auditioning for Saturday Night Live producers and where Robin Williams looked at my cable-knit sweater from on stage and called me "Bill Tilden")

And when I wrote a weekly snail-mail-distributed disc jockey newsletter containing "topical one-liners" in '79-'80, I considered it a bad week if Johnny Carson's monologues didn't contain at least one of the same jokes while it was 'in the mail'.

Pennicillin-Resistant Nostalgia.
I has it.
posted by wendell at 6:11 PM on January 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Some kind of joke in here that plays off the phrase "airing my segment" and makes it sound rude. (Memo to self: flesh out joke later.)
posted by flashboy at 6:58 PM on January 27, 2009

(Follow-up joke that does the same with the phrase "flesh out".)
posted by flashboy at 7:00 PM on January 27, 2009

[insert joke about word 'insert' here]
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:36 PM on January 27, 2009

So, wait, I'm confused, Cheney is goatse? I'm not sure how else a door would get in his ass.
posted by Pollomacho at 7:45 PM on January 27, 2009

You'll notice that you never see Letterman and languagehat in the same place, at the same time.

He had me on the show but my segment never aired because I WAS FUNNIER THAN HE WAS.

I believe it, languagehat. Your 'lorem ipsum' routine just killed the last time I saw it.
posted by lukemeister at 8:15 PM on January 27, 2009

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 60 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she pauses for moment and then confesses, "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says, "You."
posted by netbros at 9:34 PM on January 27, 2009 [5 favorites]

You know, if you're really all up in arms over the usage of "in" versus "on", you can use several delightful variants on the phrase to remove the preposition entirely.

Such as "Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya." For the time being I'll forego the plate of beans regarding agnostic and atheist views on how exactly the split got there. Just say it. It's fun.
posted by Spatch at 7:26 AM on January 28, 2009

You know, if you're really all up in arms

Have you no decency? "Up on arms."
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:40 AM on January 28, 2009

It's "up and arms".
posted by fidelity at 9:57 AM on January 28, 2009

I should of thought of that.
posted by Nick Verstayne at 11:34 AM on January 28, 2009

Well, try and do better next time.
posted by fidelity at 11:44 AM on January 28, 2009

I'd just assume he not.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:00 PM on January 28, 2009

You've got another thing coming.
posted by roll truck roll at 12:09 PM on January 28, 2009

Just as you would punch someone in the dick, a door can hit you in the ass. You wouldn't punch someone on the dick. That just doesn't make sense. It just doesn't.
posted by euphorb at 12:25 PM on January 28, 2009

Either phrase works, for all intensive purposes.
posted by team lowkey at 12:33 PM on January 28, 2009

I could care less. Just give me the money for my joke.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:52 PM on January 28, 2009

But you don't pat someone in the back either, and I still think the door hits you in the ass. I think we need to survey everyone and make an in vs. on map of the human body.
posted by roll truck roll at 1:10 PM on January 28, 2009

Seems like in vs on is really a mute point to me.
posted by fidelity at 1:18 PM on January 28, 2009

But you don't pat someone in the back either, and I still think the door hits you in the ass. I think we need to survey everyone and make an in vs. on map of the human body.

I see three axes here:

1. Body part descriptor (ass, shoulder, face, nose, teeth, dick)
2. Verb that takes a prepositional complement of form [prep] ['the'] [body part] (hit, punch, kiss, smack, fuck)
3. Prepositions appearing in one or more instance (in, on, ?)
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:28 PM on January 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

This issue must be more inflammable then I would of thought, since cortex has three axes to grind on it.
posted by fidelity at 5:50 AM on January 29, 2009

Irregardless, we're going off on a tandem here.
posted by scrump at 12:45 PM on January 29, 2009