People need to chill out on this AskMe Poster

February 26, 2009 1:53 PM

People need to chill out on the poster of this AskMe Question

The poster in this question is asking how to break up with an SO.

People are being very judgmental, and also making assumptions about the sex of the individuals which aren't warrented. Some of these comments go farther than not answering the question, they actually attack the poster, who is here to get help.

A great example of an answer to how to break up was:

You suck and she deserves better.

Good luck.

This stuff doesn't belong here.

posted by Ironmouth to Etiquette/Policy at 1:53 PM (181 comments total)

People are being very judgmental, and also making assumptions about the sex of the individuals which aren't warrented

Which is doubly weird since I guarantee you that the Asker is a woman.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:58 PM on February 26, 2009 [4 favorites]

The poster should clearly stay in a relationship they no longer desire. That is the only way to avoid the opprobrium of internet strangers.
posted by grouse at 1:58 PM on February 26, 2009 [15 favorites]

I agree, its a question looking for answers and experience, not snark and judgment. I'd hate to see what would have happened if they had not asked anonymously.

$.02: I think the gender of the OP could go either way. I've had a similar situation as a guy, and can see a female in the same spot.
posted by Chan at 2:00 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

I sometimes wonder whether AskMe (especially the anonymous stuff) is being used as experiment material in about a gazillion psych- and socio- and whatever ology papers and theses, using our responses as data. I'm just saying.
posted by jonmc at 2:01 PM on February 26, 2009 [7 favorites]

I'm just surprised that nobody's started quoting from that Paul Simon song. Actually, for "surprised" read "relieved".
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 2:02 PM on February 26, 2009

Has anyone flagged the crappy comments?
posted by snsranch at 2:02 PM on February 26, 2009 [2 favorites]

It seemed like most of the people assumed Anon was a guy - did I assume the opposite because I am a girl? I wonder if people tend to assign their own or an opposite gender to an AskMe if the "clues" are scant.
posted by pointystick at 2:03 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

I've been looking for a comment from Miko that describes a good way to break up with someone (It related how a boyfriend broke up with her, while making her feel ok about things I think). If someone else knows what comment that is, could they post it in the thread? If I recall correctly, it would really fit for that question.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:03 PM on February 26, 2009

I didn't understand the almost immediate presumption as to the gender of the couple involved. I read the question and the first thing that I noticed was that any hint of gender specificity was deliberately omitted. It's perfectly possible that this was written by a man about a woman, a woman about a man, a man about a man and a woman about a woman.
posted by ob at 2:04 PM on February 26, 2009 [2 favorites]

I've been looking for a comment from Miko that describes a good way to break up with someone

I believe she said that the best approach is to tell the woman that she's a fine girl, but that your life, your love and your lady is The Sea.
posted by jonmc at 2:05 PM on February 26, 2009 [47 favorites]

Has anyone flagged the crappy comments?

I did, but they didn't seem to be coming off.

I figured if people wanted to vent/speculate, they could do it here, rather than working over the OP, who frankly sounds like a person torn and who is coming to decide this rather slowly.

Personally, I suspect it is a woman breaking up with a boyfriend, but you have no idea.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:06 PM on February 26, 2009

Brandon Blatcher: This is Miko's comment. (I found it by Googling for [miko breakup "any questions"], in case you need to find it again.)
posted by grouse at 2:06 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Thanks grouse, you da man.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:08 PM on February 26, 2009

snsranch, I'm doing that as we speak. People tend to mix crap in with decent advice though, so a comment can seem to be helpful and abusive. Weird. Glad I don't have to moderate that thread.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:13 PM on February 26, 2009

People break up over all kinds of issues, both real and imagined. When someone claims that they want to sunder a long-term relationship because they seek a more intellectual partner, but write, as part of their rationalisation, "I'm also worried about my SO. They are good at taking care of other people but not themself," the temptation to criticize is strong.

(This does not excuse the critics - I only wish to point out that the poster's question, as stated, does tempt sharply worded and less-than-productive answers.)
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 2:13 PM on February 26, 2009

I deleted a few more comments and I know cortex made an earlier pass through the thread. Some peopel are being jerks, others are just being a little... critical and not jerkish and we try to err on the side of inclusion.

I don't know who asked this question but I do have to add that asking something anonymously and deliberately obscuring the genders of the people involved is a bit of a red flag to a question that may not go well. I appreciate that people are concerned that people will make assumptions based on the genders if they include them. However, avoiding them entirely leads people to make those assumptions anyway, often, and then people argue about them instead. I think most people on MeFi try to be balanced about the amount of gender baggage they bring to a thread, at the same time the vagueness can lead to problematic answers because people may wan tot respond "yeah I've been there..." but then they're not sure if they have.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:14 PM on February 26, 2009

I think the gender assertions are ok, people are figuring out. But some people were just basically ripping on the OP and not answering the question at all. Where someone just posts a comment like "I wonder what the genders are" then I would suggest deletion for not answering the question. (there was one in there).
posted by Ironmouth at 2:17 PM on February 26, 2009

Honestly, the first image of the poster that popped into my head when I read it was of a young Asian man.
posted by Jofus at 2:21 PM on February 26, 2009

The genders really don't matter. Sure it would be nice to know, but it ain't important at all.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:21 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

The genders really don't matter. Sure it would be nice to know, but it ain't important at all.

Exactly.
posted by ob at 2:22 PM on February 26, 2009

Exactly. The genders of either party don't ultimately matter. There are men and women (and they can be straight, gay, or bi) who give a lot of weight to intellectual compatibility and mutual attraction. Whether this makes each of them shallow or picky or unrealistic depends on a whole host of other factors.
posted by scody at 2:25 PM on February 26, 2009

I got through flagging the ones I found weird, reloaded, and saw jessamyn has gone through it.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:26 PM on February 26, 2009

Thank you for starting this post, Ironmouth. I cannot believe how blatantly self-righteous some assholes are on this site.
posted by sixcolors at 2:26 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

metafilter: cannot believe how blatantly self-righteous some assholes are on this site.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:27 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

How is that not a troll? "I think my SO is dumb. Also, s/he is kind of ugly. HOPE ME MEATFILTER!1!!"

Well, I mean, it might be real, but it seems like a good set up for a train wreck.
posted by chunking express at 2:28 PM on February 26, 2009

I cannot believe how blatantly self-righteous some assholes are on this site.

Don't forget judgemental and clueless.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:29 PM on February 26, 2009 [17 favorites]

and handsome.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:32 PM on February 26, 2009 [34 favorites]

How is that not a troll? "I think my SO is dumb. Also, s/he is kind of ugly. HOPE ME MEATFILTER!1!!"

Whether or not it's a troll (and I believe 100% that it's not), the question, and the OP's attitude toward his/her SO, in no way resembles this cariacature.
posted by scody at 2:34 PM on February 26, 2009 [4 favorites]

The OP has even defined what he or she meant by "not intellectual enough". He or she could've meant "doesn't like to debate politics" or he/she could've meant "is dumber than a doorknob". If it's the latter, can we blame her?

Being a daughter of a willfully ignorant father, I don't wish this sort of drama on anyone. It makes no sense to villanize the OP like that.
posted by sixcolors at 2:35 PM on February 26, 2009

Has NOT even...
posted by sixcolors at 2:36 PM on February 26, 2009

The OP has even defined what he or she meant by "not intellectual enough".

Doesn't have to.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:42 PM on February 26, 2009

Q: I love the Bronx. Really, I adore it. But it's just not working for me anymore -- muggings are up in my neighborhood, and I need out. I really want to move to Brooklyn, or (ideally) Manhattan. Is there a neighborhood that's out-of-the-ordinary where I could start looking for a studio?

A: You suck. I hope you get hit by a bus. Why do you want to move? Is it REALLY because of danger? Or are you just a vain slut?

Q: I'm looking to trade in my Jeep and buy an old DeSoto. Which year/make of the car is the most durable/cheapest to fix?

A: Oh, so you want a different car? Men like you make me sick. So do women. And all relationships.

Q: Who was the first person to introduce the use of sabermetrics into baseball scouting? Why did it take so long for a statistics-driven sport to decide to make scouting decisions based on statistics?

A: Fuck off and die.
posted by Damn That Television at 2:42 PM on February 26, 2009 [36 favorites]

The poster should clearly stay in a relationship they no longer desire. That is the only way to avoid the opprobrium of internet strangers.

This. What exactly do the people getting there hate on expect the OP to do?

That aside, I'm glad you made this thread Ironmouth. The people assuming the gender of those involved are out of line and it had me wishing for a MeTa thread.
posted by Axle at 2:44 PM on February 26, 2009

She should try dating me. I'm smarter and hotter.

But I won't have her.
posted by klangklangston at 2:44 PM on February 26, 2009

I'm smarter and hotter.

Add me to your network.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:47 PM on February 26, 2009

If the OP was genuinely just looking for wording to break up by. that's all that had to be asked. By introducing "intellectual" and "attracted to" as specific issues, that door is opened. Deliberately.
posted by sageleaf at 2:49 PM on February 26, 2009

and handsome.

Thank you.

Also, if the SO in question is female, you should tell her that maybe it's the best thing, but it's the worst that could happen to you.
posted by jonmc at 2:49 PM on February 26, 2009 [2 favorites]

" Who was the first person to introduce the use of sabermetrics into baseball scouting? Why did it take so long for a statistics-driven sport to decide to make scouting decisions based on statistics?"

Sabermetrics isn't really what you're looking for here, as Society for American Baseball Research is more than just stats, and stats have been applied in scouting reports for decades. The problem was that most popular statistics in baseball were the ones that were easiest for a fan to keep track of, not the ones that had the most predictive ability. Statistics like RBIs and Wins (for pitchers) are fairly meaningless in terms of predictive ability, and even more robust stats like batting average and ERA are fairly compromised by confounding factors. SABR's statistical research department began in '74, but it wasn't until the late '90s when many of the modeling advances they argued for began to be incorporated into the game. Further confounding it is the, shall we say, poetic tradition of baseball writing, which means that folks who were fans and who grew up with a quasi-mysical understanding of the game (often delineated by terms like "heart" and "grit") were reluctant to learn new models of thinking and to cede their positions of power.
posted by klangklangston at 2:54 PM on February 26, 2009 [8 favorites]

still gunning for that Cy Young Derailing Award, eh, klang? THIS IS WHY WE HAD TO BREAK UP.
posted by scody at 3:01 PM on February 26, 2009 [8 favorites]

that door is opened. Deliberately.

I'm inclined to disagree with you. People ask dumb questions, all the time. I'm not saying this is one, but we've definitely seen the picky MeFite who thinks it's really important to include all relevant and irrelevant details just in case. Add to this that we specifically tell people to do this with AnonyMe questions because people lack a simple follow-up opportunity.

And, as I say with nearly broken record frequency, just because the OP may or may not be likeable or even wrong doesn't mean people get to be jerks to them. While I know it makes some people feel bad that someone, somewhere, may be getting dumped because they don't read The New Yorker (or who knows? "intellectual" isn't much to go on...) that's between them and their own personal self-esteem meter and needs to stay out of AskMe. No one "deserves" scorn, at least not here.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:08 PM on February 26, 2009 [5 favorites]

Hi I'm Hitler. What should I name my cat?
posted by ND¢ at 3:14 PM on February 26, 2009 [16 favorites]

This question pretty much convinced me never to ask a relationship question on the site. Not the question, rather, but the responses.

Here's a nice rule of thumb: don't be mean to people. Be nice. Offer friendly and helpful advice. Preach love and understanding and compassion. Understand that people are irrational and make bad decisions and come from all walks of life and are different ages and ethnicities and genders and have different experiences and perspectives on things. When people are hurting, try to help them hurt less. When people are hurting others, give them advice on how not to do that, but do it in a way that might conceivably work instead of being an asshole. When people are confused, try to explain things in a way that helps but that is not condescending.

Be nice.
posted by ORthey at 3:19 PM on February 26, 2009 [16 favorites]

Ein Stick?
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:20 PM on February 26, 2009

man, and relationship askme's always go so well, usually...
posted by shmegegge at 3:21 PM on February 26, 2009

Hi I'm Hitler. What should I name my cat?

Mr. Bojangles Aryan Nations Campbell
posted by InfidelZombie at 3:23 PM on February 26, 2009 [21 favorites]

man, and relationship askme's always go so well, usually...

Yeah. It's amazing anyone asks them. I wonder if some research would reveal that most relationship askme's are by new/newish members who don't know what's comin'.
posted by ORthey at 3:26 PM on February 26, 2009

Scody, I didn't mean the whole question, just the part that derails things. There isn't really a nice way to say you think your SO is dumb. Or that you aren't that attracted to her. Case in point, that question.
posted by chunking express at 3:29 PM on February 26, 2009

Wait. Is 'case in point' what I mean to say? I'm not so sure. Hopefully you can figure it out.
posted by chunking express at 3:30 PM on February 26, 2009

Hi I'm Hitler. What should I name my cat?

Herman Purring.
posted by ob at 3:39 PM on February 26, 2009 [33 favorites]

Goebbels Kibbles?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:43 PM on February 26, 2009 [5 favorites]

The Fur-er
posted by starman at 3:46 PM on February 26, 2009 [23 favorites]

Feline Nazis. I hate feline Nazis.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:48 PM on February 26, 2009 [2 favorites]

Fluffwaffe.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:49 PM on February 26, 2009 [30 favorites]

Meowschwitz

I'm going to hell now.
posted by FelliniBlank at 3:50 PM on February 26, 2009 [53 favorites]

Francis.
posted by klangklangston at 3:52 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

"still gunning for that Cy Young Derailing Award, eh, klang? THIS IS WHY WE HAD TO BREAK UP."

I just can't be with anyone who believes Paul Weller got better after The Jam.
posted by klangklangston at 3:53 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

jonmc: "I sometimes wonder whether AskMe (especially the anonymous stuff) is being used as experiment material in about a gazillion psych- and socio- and whatever ology papers and theses, using our responses as data. I'm just saying."

Well I fart, a lot, while perusing AskMe and since sociologists almost never account for people farting in their data that's got to throw their results off to significant degree.
posted by Science! at 3:54 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hi I'm Hitler. What should I name my cat?

Heil, Hitler.

Before I can answer that question, I have a query for you: does your cat look like you?

Graham Norton, Eddie Izzard and Harry Shearer also wanna know!
posted by ericb at 4:05 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

Fritz.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:07 PM on February 26, 2009

Hitler cat name-induced laughter just put me in the hospital.

Also: Heil Kittler (courtesy Mrs U)
posted by DU at 4:10 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

Pussolini.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:13 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

Puss im das Boots
posted by Sys Rq at 4:14 PM on February 26, 2009 [5 favorites]

Mauser, of course.
posted by Bernt Pancreas at 4:15 PM on February 26, 2009 [4 favorites]

Mein Kat
posted by Bookhouse at 4:19 PM on February 26, 2009 [6 favorites]

> Hi I'm Hitler. What should I name my cat?

Is it declawed?
posted by ardgedee at 4:20 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

You know Christopher Walken actually starred in a live-action version of Puss In Boots? Really! And it's awful, but you can pretty much tell that Walken knew it was terrible too and just sort of said "fuck it" and ran with it.

Also, it's one of those musicals that doesn't have very many songs, so every time they start singing it's sort of a surprise and you're all like "oh, shit, it's a musical, that's right".
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:23 PM on February 26, 2009 [4 favorites]

oh come on.
mein kat
posted by generalist at 4:26 PM on February 26, 2009

Hang on, sixcolors is a girl? I need to go and re-read all her AskMe questions with that in mind!
posted by crossoverman at 4:26 PM on February 26, 2009

as bookhouse said
posted by generalist at 4:27 PM on February 26, 2009

Where have you been, crossoverman?

My suggestion is Blitzkat.
posted by baphomet at 4:30 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Panzer
posted by DU at 4:30 PM on February 26, 2009

Guernicat
posted by micayetoca at 4:32 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

Oh great, now User Friendly is going to have to redraw tomorrows Hitler Cat Cartoon.

and:

No one "deserves" scorn...

Yeah, this has to be earned!
posted by cjorgensen at 4:37 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Neville.
posted by Crabby Appleton at 4:52 PM on February 26, 2009 [7 favorites]

Here's a nice rule of thumb: don't be mean to people. Be nice. Offer friendly and helpful advice. Preach love and understanding and compassion. Understand that people are irrational and make bad decisions and come from all walks of life and are different ages and ethnicities and genders and have different experiences and perspectives on things. When people are hurting, try to help them hurt less. When people are hurting others, give them advice on how not to do that, but do it in a way that might conceivably work instead of being an asshole. When people are confused, try to explain things in a way that helps but that is not condescending.

Be nice.

Can you ad this to the FAQ portion of the AskMe page?
posted by SheMulp AKA Plus 1 at 4:53 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

Until it's time not to be nice ...
posted by Bookhouse at 4:56 PM on February 26, 2009

still gunning for that Cy Young Derailing Award, eh, klang? THIS IS WHY WE HAD TO BREAK UP.

MORE LIKE BAYESBALL RIGHT?
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 5:01 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Der unterpuzzy. Schuadenfeline. Blitzkitteh. Weimeaow. Mein Katf. Kitztalnacht. Lebensmeaaauurm.
posted by lalochezia at 5:21 PM on February 26, 2009 [2 favorites]

I CAN HAZ HAMBURGER MIT CHEEZ?
posted by scody at 5:35 PM on February 26, 2009 [4 favorites]

Be nice

Or maybe, Don't Be Evil.
posted by Brak at 5:39 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Be nice

Or maybe, Don't Be Evil.

Or, like Wil Wheaton and Jesus say, don't be a dick.

You know Christopher Walken actually starred in a live-action version of Puss In Boots? Really! And it's awful, but you can pretty much tell that Walken knew it was terrible too and just sort of said "fuck it" and ran with it.

Also, it's one of those musicals that doesn't have very many songs, so every time they start singing it's sort of a surprise and you're all like "oh, shit, it's a musical, that's right".

Holy shit I have to find that. That sounds like the greatest awful movie ever.
posted by Caduceus at 5:54 PM on February 26, 2009

I don't know what to name the cat, but its water dish should be labeled "Felinal Solution".
posted by CKmtl at 5:58 PM on February 26, 2009 [2 favorites]

Be warned that it's really only a moderately good awful movie ever. Me and the wife are just big enough Walken fans that it was better/worse than it might otherwise have been.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:10 PM on February 26, 2009

My God. It's full of songs?
posted by katillathehun at 6:28 PM on February 26, 2009

See? We could all come together on dictator's cat names.

... how about "meowdegascar plan"?
posted by boo_radley at 6:49 PM on February 26, 2009

See? We could all come together on dictator's cat names.

Chairman Meow just seems too obvious.
posted by ob at 6:55 PM on February 26, 2009

Slobodan Meowsovic?
posted by baphomet at 7:15 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Meowssolini
posted by scody at 7:23 PM on February 26, 2009

(and his canine buddy, Il Puce)
posted by scody at 7:24 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

and their parakeet pal, Ho Cheep Minh.
posted by jonmc at 7:28 PM on February 26, 2009 [10 favorites]

Hitler and the grammar... oh you know, those people who are really strict. Damn. It's on the tip of my tongue. Like, some kind of authoritarian state.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:28 PM on February 26, 2009 [5 favorites]

Don't forget the friendly barnyard cow, Robert Moogabe!
posted by scody at 7:29 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

If it's a bengal cat: Meowbutu Sese Seko.
posted by stefanie at 7:31 PM on February 26, 2009

Man, check out the sunglasses on Kim Jong Owl.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:33 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Fluffy.
posted by Evangeline at 7:45 PM on February 26, 2009

If I could favorite this more than once I would. Brilliant clip.

And why the hell is everything all bold now?

Anyway, someone should just tell the OP to slip out the back, or make a new plan. Maybe drop off the key, but don't try to be coy...
posted by Kimothy at 7:55 PM on February 26, 2009

Ok, so I'm coming into this late, and I'm going to ignore the hilarious derail for a sec...

In the last 6 months seems like more and more askme questions end up just bagging on the OP. Granted, there can be some stupid stunts pulled in askme, but assuming it's a troll or the OP is an asshole based on almost no data seems like a good recipe for turning askme into the monty python abuse sketch. Longtimers: does this kind of thing happen on a cycle?
posted by gofargogo at 7:55 PM on February 26, 2009

Fidel Catstro.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 7:55 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Cat Cat.
posted by Dumsnill at 8:00 PM on February 26, 2009

Sorry, that should be Cal Cat.
posted by Dumsnill at 8:03 PM on February 26, 2009

or Pol Pup.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:41 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

Colonel Cataffi
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:44 PM on February 26, 2009

Josef Starling
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:46 PM on February 26, 2009

or, for a baby goat: Kidi Amin
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:50 PM on February 26, 2009

another cow: Moobarak
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:52 PM on February 26, 2009

Pol pot bellied pig?

Meowmar Kaddaffi?
PinoChat?
Fidel Catso?
Ferdinand meowcos?
posted by Cold Lurkey at 8:53 PM on February 26, 2009

Rabbit Muttgabe.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:00 PM on February 26, 2009

Josip Tweeto
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:13 PM on February 26, 2009

Colonel Rambuka
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:14 PM on February 26, 2009

President Sowharto
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:16 PM on February 26, 2009

Miklós Horsey
The Chat of Iran
Fulgencio Fruit-Bat-ista
Nicolai Chow-chow-cescu
posted by scody at 9:50 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think people naturally project past painful experiences into the ambiguous details of others' lives. If we haven't gotten closure on things from our past, we tend to recreate something close enough emotionally that we can vent our feelings a bit.

Perhaps if we are aware when we do this, we can give people the benefit of the doubt more often before we have all the information.

In full disclosure, however, the posted question pissed me off to no end, precisely because of what I said above. I envisioned pretty much every relationship I've ever had that seemed to be going great, but didn't quite do it for my SO, for what seemed like arbitrary reasons. What is love, exactly, if you can't use it to see beyond the less-than-ideal in people at times? And when it comes clear out of the blue, how is someone supposed to rest content in a relationship in the future, knowing that the rug can get pulled out at any time, even when things seem to be going great?

Yep, that's my baggage, and I'm pretty sure any response of mine would have have been clouded by this experience. Same as if I'd been on the other side of things.
posted by SpacemanStix at 10:01 PM on February 26, 2009 [2 favorites]

Spaniel Noriega
posted by Bookhouse at 10:03 PM on February 26, 2009 [7 favorites]

Anastasio So-Moo-sa
Papa Duck Duvalier
posted by Bookhouse at 10:05 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Emperor Pupatine & Darth Birder.
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:21 PM on February 26, 2009

Be nice.

So when you see a man who's broken
Pick him up and carry him
And when you see a woman who's broken
Put her all into your arms
'Cause we don't know where we come from
We don't know what we are.

--Laurie Anderson, noted Nazi cat fancier
posted by Skot at 10:29 PM on February 26, 2009 [4 favorites]

The sun's coming up
Like a big bald head

--ibid
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:39 PM on February 26, 2009

Uh-this is your Captain again.
You know, I've got a funny feeling
I've seen this all before.
Why?
'cause I read UserFriendly.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:50 PM on February 26, 2009 [4 favorites]

I come home from a day on the golf course
and I find all these messages
scribbled on wrinkled up scraps of paper
And they say thing like:
Why don't you get a real job?
Or: You and what army?
Or: Get a nazi cat.
posted by Bernt Pancreas at 10:54 PM on February 26, 2009

I got this MeMail*. And it read, it said:

Dear Amigo - Dear Partner.
Listen, uh - I just want to say thanks. So...thanks.
Thanks for all the [redacted]. Thanks for introducing
me to [redacted].
Thanks for putting on the feedbag. Thanks for going
all out.
Thanks for showing me your [redacted].
and uh -
Thanks for letting me autograph your [redacted].
Hug and kisses. XXXXOOOO.

* certain details have been censored to protect the privacy of this correspondence
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:04 PM on February 26, 2009

*turns around*

It's fear! Fuck.

*turns around again*

It's love! Yay!

*stops turning around*

Ha ha! You've already paid for this. Listen to my heart beat.
posted by Skot at 11:18 PM on February 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Good evening. This is your cabal. We are about to attempt a server migration. Please extinguish all cigarettes. Place your laptop lids in their lowered, locked position. Your cabal says: Put your head on your knees. Your cabal says: Put your head on your hands. Cabal says: Put your hands on your head. Put your hands on your hips. Heh heh. This is your cabal-and we are going down. We are all going down, together.

And I said: Uh oh. This is gonna be some day.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:23 PM on February 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

Gotcha! Cabal didn't say put your hands on your hips!
posted by salvia at 12:11 AM on February 27, 2009

fuck. now that the cabal is over. fuck. over and out.
posted by localhuman at 12:11 AM on February 27, 2009

i wasn't ever a member of the cabal and i'm still worried. can't sleep. pls notify of updates.
posted by localhuman at 12:14 AM on February 27, 2009

The genders really don't matter.

It shouldn't, but anyone who spends any amount of time reading AskMe relationship questions could reasonably form the view that there are quite a few people who have responses conditioned by the gender of the asker.
posted by rodgerd at 12:49 AM on February 27, 2009

See, you've got to remember that despite his egomania and sociopathy, Hitler was a pretty bland and conventional person in his private life. There is no way he would have enough sense of humour to go with a cat name that riffed on mass extermination, or facism, or whatnot. I don't think he would get the joke.

Joke answers are not appropriate for AskMe. If you really want to help Hitler name his cat then keep in mind he would like to name it something conventional, and that as animals were his only real friends he'd probably like something lovable and a little on the kitschy side.

Hitler's cat should be named Mitzi.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:28 AM on February 27, 2009 [5 favorites]

Purrgrom

ducks
posted by syzygy at 4:41 AM on February 27, 2009

Let Rex = Rex

C'mon just let it already for Chrissakes. Give X a fucking rest.
posted by fleacircus at 4:53 AM on February 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Meatbomb's right. Hitler's favorite dog was named Blondi and not Woofsen-Belsen.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:38 AM on February 27, 2009

Let Rex = Rex

Let Ask = Ask
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:12 AM on February 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

It shouldn't, but anyone who spends any amount of time reading AskMe relationship questions could reasonably form the view that there are quite a few people who have responses conditioned by the gender of the asker.

It doesn't matter in terms of answering the question.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:27 AM on February 27, 2009

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a burning building. And I gotta get outta here.
posted by trip and a half at 6:40 AM on February 27, 2009

I always assume that the poster of a non-gender identified relationshipfilter question is a straight male, only because many women have close friends they can discuss their relationships with whereas a lot of men still feel they should "bottle-up" their emotions and seeking advise from strangers on the internet seems safer. The gender of the poster often does matter because, like it or not, there are power imbalances and different social expectations on people depending on their gender and sexual orientation and sometimes that information has an impact on answers. The only people that seem to want to insist that gender doesn't matter (and who default to heteronormativity) are straight men. It may be confirmation bias but the few times I remember someone has exposed their identity in a non-gender identified realtionshipfilter question (yeah, I like that phrase, so eat it) it has been a straight male.
posted by saucysault at 6:53 AM on February 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

OK, saucysault, how does the gender of the asker matter in this case?
posted by ssg at 8:19 AM on February 27, 2009

I always assume that the poster of a non-gender identified relationshipfilter question is a straight male, only because many women have close friends they can discuss their relationships with whereas a lot of men still feel they should "bottle-up" their emotions and seeking advise from strangers on the internet seems safer.

Nominated for stereotyped chatter of the year.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:49 AM on February 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

wow, i come back and you folks are arguing over Hitler's cat.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:14 AM on February 27, 2009

Chairman Meow just seems too obvious.

I'm wearing the Chairman's t-shirt right now.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:21 AM on February 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

George W. Bushy-tailed Jird
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:16 PM on February 27, 2009

The OP uses the term SO, which seems like deliberate obfuscation--not only of sex and gender, but of marital status as well.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:35 PM on February 27, 2009

Well, they don't even live together, so they probably aren't married.

Honestly, the people who are angry at the OP seem to really be angry at someone else. Can s/he really help it if s/he doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with this person? Should s/he just 'get over' this incompatibility issue?
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:38 PM on February 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Well, they don't even live together

Cites?
posted by Sys Rq at 12:42 PM on February 27, 2009

(Not that it matters, really. I just thought it was interesting.)
posted by Sys Rq at 12:43 PM on February 27, 2009

It's a sky blue sky. Hitler's cat is out tonight.
posted by jokeefe at 12:51 PM on February 27, 2009

Really phunniemee, you had to get that dig in?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:05 PM on February 27, 2009

It's a sky blue sky. Hitler's cat is out tonight.

Naturally. It felt like a little more lebensraum.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:14 PM on February 27, 2009

People are being very judgmental

Fuck it. I'm glad someone brought this to MeTa. Anyone who posts such a shallow bleat deserves all the crap they get.
posted by Neiltupper at 1:26 PM on February 27, 2009

Yes, bleaters really deserve a good roasting.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:38 PM on February 27, 2009

wow, i come back and you folks are arguing over Hitler's cat.

You mean Der Führkitty, I imagine.
posted by baphomet at 1:50 PM on February 27, 2009

Meowschwitz

Meowschwitz Birkenmeow
posted by Sys Rq at 2:08 PM on February 27, 2009

Der Furrer.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:25 PM on February 27, 2009

Lester B. Fearsome.
posted by generichuman at 3:23 PM on February 27, 2009

Anyone who posts such a shallow bleat deserves all the crap they get.

By shallow bleat do you mean the asker of the question or those hating on the asker?
Honest question.
posted by arcanecrowbar at 4:37 PM on February 27, 2009

Ok, reading your sentence again and the sentence it's responding to, I think you must have meant the OP was the shallow bleater.
I think a lot of people got bent out of shape about both the question and the responses. I sure did, but maybe I was having a bad day? I, too am glad this made its way to Talk.
The OP is obviously going through a difficult, painful situation, and reached out to AskMe about it. This person was honest about his/her feelings, looking for a solution that would cause minimal pain to the other person, geniunely asking for help.
What did s/he get? Torches and pitchforks. Why? Because apparently being dissatisfied with your partner's appearance and/or intellect are bad reasons for ending a relationship and people who end relationships for those reasons are bad people. Also, True Love Conquers All and if you can't just be happy with whomever you are currently in a relationship with, you are obviously a shallow jerk.

I agree with the posts above positing that these AskMe answerers are attacking the ghosts of their pasts rather than attempting to answer the question.

I also agree with one other thing posted above - I will never, ever post a relationship question to AskMe, specifically because of the responses to this one.
posted by arcanecrowbar at 4:48 PM on February 27, 2009 [3 favorites]

Oh, and, Dr. Josef Meowngele.
posted by arcanecrowbar at 4:51 PM on February 27, 2009

Wait. Is the cat male or female? That changes everything.
posted by qvantamon at 5:15 PM on February 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Kaiser Wilhelm Friedrich die Überkatze, Süße gerunzelte Pfoten.
posted by klangklangston at 6:18 PM on February 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Wer sind die Überkatze? Ist daß du?"
posted by klangklangston at 9:36 PM on February 27, 2009

swastikat.
posted by Sailormom at 10:22 PM on February 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Übersturmbahnpurrer
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:33 AM on February 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

Let Rex = Rex
Let Ask = Ask

Let Manny be Manny.
Let cortex be cortex.
Let mattdidthat be fandango_matt.

Oh, Beer Hall Pussch.
posted by lukemeister at 7:51 AM on February 28, 2009

Well, they don't even live together.

Cites? (Not that it matters, really. I just thought it was interesting.)

The OP wrote: "We live in the same building but hang out every day and spend every night together." That certainly seems to imply that they have two separate apartments.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:11 AM on February 28, 2009

It doesn't seem to imply that at all.

We live in the same building: Do married people do that? Yep.
but hang out every day: Yep, that too.
and spend every night together: Oh. Maybe they aren't married after all.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:32 PM on February 28, 2009

Why would the OP say 'but,' though, if they did live together? "Oh, my husband and I live together, but we hang out every day!" It doesn't make sense.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:08 PM on February 28, 2009

Maybe it's beyond the run-off-the-mill hanging out? Like maybe they do everything together, and the OP is all like, "Dude, we live together! Isn't that enough? Also, you are a stupid-head and I'm breaking up with you."
posted by Sys Rq at 5:03 PM on February 28, 2009

That phrasing makes me think that they're in the same dorm building, to be honest.
posted by subbes at 7:33 PM on February 28, 2009

There's actually some (and here I am hazily recalling stuff I have no formal training in, so, heh) legit psycholinguistics going on with the argument that specifying "in the same building" pretty much rules out the idea of living in closer proximity (specifically, living in the same unit).

We tend* to make this sort of description informational by implication, adding an implied scoping to a phrase when we state some sort of threshold. "We live in the same building" implies the scope is not meaningfully narrower than building-level. You might also say "we live on the same floor", implying no narrower than that, or "we live at the same end of the hall", or "we live in the same apartment", or even "we share a bedroom".

Or take it in the other direction: "we live on the same block", or "in the same city", or "in the same state".

You can make the argument that, yes, strictly speaking, people who live in the same apartment do live in the same building and the same city and the same state, but without some additional discursive context that would force someone into stating a wider scope, it's not the reasonable thing to expect a person to say, and so it's not a very plausible analysis either.

So it's probably safe say that they don't live together as formal cohabitants.

*Of course, people vary when the rubber hits the road; this could be a personal tic, or an awkward bit of phrasing from typing in a rush or editing too quickly, etc. But I don't see anything compelling to support that in this case, so I'm running with the smart money.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:56 PM on February 28, 2009

or "we live in the same apartment", or even "we share a bedroom".

And, yes, there's some fiddliness here in terms of what certain scopings imply. I'm playing fast and loose with examples to make a point, but I don't think the normal assumption from "we live in the same apartment" is that the folks in question either do or don't share a bedroom—that'd, barring other contexts, depend mostly on what the listener knows (or, really, what the speaker thinks the listener knows) about the speaker and the speaker's apartment-mate.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:03 PM on February 28, 2009

But it's silly to apply an assumed human preponderance for specificity onto someone displaying precisely the opposite. If the individual is using "SO" and "they" to deliberately fog gender (and, um, number?), why would they (*ahem*) suddenly get specific WRT living arrangements/marital status?

And of course, we're only assuming SO stands for Significant Other, when it could just as well mean Styrofoam Organist.

All's I'm saying's that it's vague on both fronts. Most intriguing!

I guess a truckload of assumptions is what they get for sticking to the relevant facts.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:35 PM on February 28, 2009

It's vague in the sense that anything is vague insofar as it isn't specific, but unlike the painful mechanics of de-gendering via "SO" and neuter pronouns, the building thing doesn't read like an elaborate obfuscation—it reads like an offhand attempt to characterize the dynamic of their living situation.

I'd say it's precisely that they clearly went to a lot of effort to mask the genders of the parties that makes it hard to believe they were making any effort to mask cohabitation and did such a bollocksy job of it. A convoluted explanation of why the asker is fibbing-by-implication about cohabitation loses hands-down to a simple explanation of why the asker is plainly revealing that they live in separate units, is what I'm saying.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:13 PM on February 28, 2009

I love this beanplating of the anonymous poster as if their words were the Torah or something. Which I guess makes the MetaTalk some sort of ultra-snarky Talmud.
posted by grouse at 7:05 AM on March 1, 2009

I agree with cortex. Saying "We live in the same building" pretty much rules out cohabitation.
posted by languagehat at 7:14 AM on March 1, 2009

Exactly. If they lived together he probably would have said so. The only thing he is trying to hide is the gender, since that might make the question less anonymous. Perhaps? I agree, it sounds like he's in college and the two of them are in the same dorm.
posted by chunking express at 7:32 AM on March 1, 2009

That's a possibility, but I find it unlikely due to the fact that the recipient of the breakup has been noted to have absolutely no friends or social networks whatsoever-- in a dorm situation this is next to impossible due to the high level of socialization occurring, to say nothing of the classroom. You'd have to be deliberately avoiding any/all social contact other than with the SO in order to be in that position-- I'm not saying its impossible, but it seems significantly unlikely. Then again, the seeming capriciousness of the OP might perhaps indicate a younger age, and its also unlikely that a committed couple would go to the trouble of maintaining two apartments in the same building when they spend significant time together.

If that's the case (OP and subject live in the same dorm)...man, double-suck for them.
posted by baphomet at 10:02 AM on March 1, 2009

Saying "We live in the same building" pretty much rules out cohabitation.

what
posted by Sys Rq at 10:46 AM on March 1, 2009

Assume for the purposes of this example that you have a girlfriend, and that I know you only well enough on that front to know that you have a girlfriend but otherwise don't know any other details about her or your relationship with her.

Let's invent a nice neutral context where the proximity of your respective dwellings comes up. Maybe you say, "oh, shoot, I should get going, I'm supposed to start watching a DVD with my girlfriend in ten minutes."

So maybe I think to myself, huh, ten minutes, that can't allow for much distance; DVD, so watching a movie at someone's home. I push the conversation in that direction:

"Oh, does she live nearby?"

You reply, "Yeah. We live in the same building, actually."

Now, if you two live together, why would you choose to tell me not that you share an apartment but that you live "in the same building"?

There are plausible answers to this question, but all of them require some extra context to make sense. Maybe you think I'm a creep and you don't want to give me too much detail about your girlfriend. Maybe you think I have issues with unmarried people living together and you don't want to broach the subject. Maybe we have a running joke with the punchline "we live in the same building".

Any of those could pertain, in theory, but the context has to be there. Without any context, specifying "building" rather than e.g. "apartment" if you live together is a bizarre violation of unspoken conversational expectations. Ergo, barring (a) you being a bizarro person or (b) some context (which the question has not provided), saying "we live in the same building" pretty much rules out cohabitation.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:07 AM on March 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

I get what you're saying, cortex, but, like, no.

The OP is clearly looking for a response that goes something like, "It is okay to break up with this person. Doing so does not make you an asshole. Someone once broke up with me because I'm dumb as fuck, and it was the best experience of my life."

If the question is about divorce on the grounds of not-smart-enough-ness, in all likelihood the AskMe consensus won't be quite what the OP wants to hear.

Dig?
posted by Sys Rq at 11:26 AM on March 1, 2009

I do not dig, possibly because we may be working from different assumptions. Let me see if I can figure this out:

Are you suggesting that (a) the asker is married to and shares an apartment with their SO, and hence (b) would if they were describing the situation honestly have said "my spouse, with whom I live", but (c) because they want to avoid the answers that disclosure of married cohabitation would yield intentionally chose to deceptively say "we live in the same building" instead of disclosing that they live together, all for the sake of tuning the askme responses generated toward some pre-existing goal?

Because I can follow that line of reasoning, but I think it's totally nuts to treat that as the likeliest explanation for the "building" thing. It's a heck of a chain of assumptions to latch on to when "they just actually don't live together" explains it without any of the tortured circumlocution.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:11 PM on March 1, 2009

Let's for a moment forget about this mythical apartment, which was never mentioned once ever at all by the OP.

A house is a specific type of building. Put we share a house through any standard automagical detail-stripping filter plugin, and it becomes the stupendously generic we live in the same building.

SO NOW LET'S ALL JUDGE THE O.P. FOR THAT NEW THING I JUST MADE UP
posted by Sys Rq at 4:35 PM on March 1, 2009

I get it now. You write the intentionally vague dialogue for Herb and Jamall and are trying to vindicate yourself by proxy.

No normal person would, without very good reason, put "we share a house" through any such filter. Yes? Is this a point of contention, or will you agree that, gender-stripping or no, that is a nutty, nutty thing to suppose someone would do without some very specific reason, and that said very-specific reason is nowhere in evidence in the question?

As far as that goes, though, I don't really care about judging the asker based on any of this, so I think we're violently highfiving each other at this point either way. But still: no.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:49 PM on March 1, 2009

*highfives own face*
posted by Sys Rq at 5:13 PM on March 1, 2009 [2 favorites]