MetaFilter in the Ruins

April 14, 2009 4:41 AM

"Nuclear warheads launched from North Korea, Iraq, China, Iran, U.S., Pakistan, India, and France have all but destroyed 22 of the world’s 50 largest cities."

Ba-ba-dee ba-dee ba-dee…Th-a-a-a-a-t’s all, folks!

When the apocalypse comes, when the world ends as we know it, you can bet someone will be updating Metafilter.

posted by cashman to MetaFilter-Related at 4:41 AM (83 comments total)

"X Post"?
posted by Kwine at 4:50 AM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]

I thought Metafilter faced the apocalypse in 2003?
posted by panboi at 4:51 AM on April 14, 2009

Seems like an appropriate place to link this comment, which was in response to whether we could have question queueing on AskMe.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 4:54 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

GODSPEED! YOU BLACK EMPEROR WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:54 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

Also I don't live in one of the top 50 largest cities in the world so sucked in posers.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:54 AM on April 14, 2009

The irony of this being a double only exceeded by my confusion over the use of "X Post" to indicate a jinx.
posted by DU at 5:01 AM on April 14, 2009

Doublepost!
posted by yhbc at 5:01 AM on April 14, 2009

The car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

It went like this:

The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble
And pulled out their hair

The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze

I said: "kiss me, you're beautiful -
These are truly the last days"

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it
Like a daydream
Or a fever

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down -
For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet
And it's full of blood.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:04 AM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]

Is this something I would need a television to know about?
posted by cedar at 5:05 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

That's OK, we can all escape to New Zealand...

...except it apparently sucks, but not in the appropriate way.
posted by pompomtom at 5:06 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

New Zealand isn't so bad if you enjoy everything tasting of sulphur.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:08 AM on April 14, 2009

When the Metatalkalypse arrives, we'll be begging for a flameout.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 5:11 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Put this damn thing on the FAQ. Its been posted once a year for the last 5 years.

Also, what does the . stand for?
posted by ND¢ at 5:19 AM on April 14, 2009

It's interesting how much that doesn't read like metafilter.

Something about the tone and the language used (xpost, doublepost, self-post, etc) is just "off"..
posted by davey_darling at 5:22 AM on April 14, 2009 [11 favorites]

That certainly brings back memories.
posted by Kattullus at 5:32 AM on April 14, 2009

Not realistic. That has a professional white background.
posted by netbros at 5:34 AM on April 14, 2009

It's about time.
posted by gman at 5:37 AM on April 14, 2009

Oh I get it! Because the date on the fake article is today! YOU GUYS WE'RE ALL DEAD GET OFFA METAFILTER SHIT GO RUN
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:40 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Sure, I mean if that were to happen, I'd come post something about it here. But it'll have to wait until I get back from the tag agency so I can order my new "BFE FTW" vanity plates.
posted by Ufez Jones at 5:49 AM on April 14, 2009

metafilter: I knew those Nazis in Washington would kill us all sooner or later.
posted by pyramid termite at 5:56 AM on April 14, 2009

"Nuclear warheads launched from North Korea, Iraq, China, Iran, U.S., Pakistan, India, and France..."

What, the big nuclear fireworks finally launches and no Russia? C'me on, Putin, show them you're a real man like the other world leaders!
posted by Termite at 6:17 AM on April 14, 2009

Worth it for the older/newer bit at the end.
posted by Cyrano at 6:34 AM on April 14, 2009

New Zeland is the Canada of Australia.
posted by Pollomacho at 6:43 AM on April 14, 2009

EXT. METAFILTER - DAY

MetaFilter is deserted. Posts and comments lie strewn across the site. AskMe questions that will never receive answers. FPPs that will never get favourited. A lone member, ELECTRIC DRAGON, looking confused and dishevelled, wanders past.

   ELECTRIC DRAGON (SHOUTS)
Hello!

Electric Dragon crosses the once busy front page. He leans on a link, accidentally FLAGGING a comment. He leaps back, startled. But no moderator will ever respond.

CUT TO:
MetaTalk. A brief MONTAGE shows a series of plaintive threads, most no less than 28 days old, asking for whereabouts of the missing, mourning the gone, raging against something, anything.

   ELECTRIC DRAGON (SHOUTS EVEN LOUDER)
HELLO!!

In the distance, the OMINOUS SOUND OF RUNNING can be heard.
posted by Electric Dragon at 6:45 AM on April 14, 2009 [15 favorites]

Australia is New Zealand's West Island.
posted by gman at 6:48 AM on April 14, 2009

Is this New Zealand business something I would have had to post a zillion comments in that weird metatalk thread from yesterday to know about? Cuz I'm covered if that's the case.
posted by Mister_A at 6:57 AM on April 14, 2009

There was very little particular to MetaFilter evidenced in the piece, so it fell flat for me.
posted by Falconetti at 7:14 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

Didn't seem very MeFi-like to me. Felt more like a generic online forum exchange.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 7:15 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

Just so long as they don't go and nuke the old Zealand.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:15 AM on April 14, 2009

Tone's completely off, there isn't even a "Meh".

Meh.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:18 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

So, are we now surviving a in post apocalyptic hellscape or what? Because that's a pretty reasonable excuse I can use for what I decided to wear in to work today.

(What? Rags, football pads and chaps are going to come back into fashion, I keep telling you...)
posted by quin at 7:19 AM on April 14, 2009

I have uploaded my neural map onto the net! I'm fine, as long as no one turns off th
posted by Mister_A at 7:21 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

what
posted by trip and a half at 7:23 AM on April 14, 2009

Ridiculous. When the apocalypse comes, I won't be commenting on MetaFilter. I'll be on AskMetaFilter, where the really essential stuff will be showing up.

My father died of radiation poisoning, but is he safe to eat?
I know you are not a lawyer, but will I get in trouble for shooting looters?
Considering we have to repopulate the earth, can I sleep with my sister?
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:26 AM on April 14, 2009 [26 favorites]

I can understand North Korea, Iraq, China, Iran, U.S., Pakistan, India having a nuclear arsenal, but France? Why the fuck does France have a nuclear arsenal?
posted by mattoxic at 7:32 AM on April 14, 2009

MetaFilter in this alternate universe is VERY boring. Almost like it's one person trying on many different personae on a joke that isn't that funny. You guize are teh cooler.
posted by not_on_display at 7:34 AM on April 14, 2009 [9 favorites]

My father died of radiation poisoning, but is he safe to eat?
I know you are not a lawyer, but will I get in trouble for shooting looters?
Considering we have to repopulate the earth, can I sleep with my sister?

Only if you want to become a zombie.
Not if they are also lawyers.
She's just not that into you.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:35 AM on April 14, 2009 [13 favorites]

"Nuclear warheads launched from North Korea, Iraq, China, Iran, U.S., Pakistan, India, and France have all but destroyed 22 of the world’s 50 largest cities."

Does this mean I can skip work today?
posted by five fresh fish at 7:36 AM on April 14, 2009

The earth is weeping, the sky is shaking
The stars split to their core
And every proton and unnamed neutron
Is fusing in my bones

And an unnamed mammal is darkly rising
As man burns from his tomb
And I look at this as a blissful moment
To fly into the sun.
posted by Skot at 7:54 AM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

I'm sick of these posts that don't explain themselves at all. I can't know every meme, injoke, and catchy website people! WHAT IS THIS SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME!?
posted by iamkimiam at 8:11 AM on April 14, 2009

You're dead.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:13 AM on April 14, 2009

What were Russia and Israel doing all this time? Oh right, Israel doesn't have any nukes.

And now, the lyrics to the best nuclear war song I know:

in my rear view mirror the sun is going down
sinking behind bridges in the road
and i think of all the good things
that we have left undone
and i suffer premonitions
confirm suspicions
of the holocaust to come
the rusty wire that holds the cork
that keeps the anger in
gives way
and suddenly it's day again
the sun is in the east
even though the day is done
two suns in the sunset
hmmmmmmmmm
could be the human race is run
like the moment when your brakes lock
and you slide toward the big truck
and stretch the frozen moments with your fear
and you'll never hear their voices
and you'll never see their faces
you have no recourse to the law anymore
and as the windshield melts
my tears evaporate
leaving only charcoal to defend
finally i understand
the feelings of the few
ashes and diamonds
foe and friend
we were all equal in the end
posted by drjimmy11 at 8:24 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

My father died of radiation poisoning, but is he safe to eat?
I know you are not a lawyer, but will I get in trouble for shooting looters?
Considering we have to repopulate the earth, can I sleep with my sister?

You've just been waiting for the atomic apocalypse for the chance to do these things haven't you AZ?
posted by Pollomacho at 8:28 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

When you attend a funeral
It is sad to think that sooner'l-
Later those you love will do the same for you
And you may have thought it tragic
Not to mention other adjec-
Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do
But don't you worry

No more ashes, no more sackcloth
And an armband made of black cloth
Will someday never more adorn a sleeve
For if the bomb that drops on you
Gets your friends and neighbors too
There'll be nobody left behind to grieve

And we will all go together when we go
What a comforting thought that is to know.
Universal bereavement, an inspiring achievement
Yes, we will all go together when we go

We will all go together when we go
All suffused with an incandescent glow
No one will have the endurance to collect on his insurance
Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go

Oh we will all fry together when we fry
We'll be french fried potatoes by and by
There will be no more misery when the world is our rotisserie
Yes, we will all fry together when we fry

Down by the old maelstrom
There'll be a storm before the calm

And we will all bake together when we bake
There'll be nobody present at the wake
With complete participation in that grand incineration
Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak

Oh we will all char together when we char
And let there be no moaning of the bar
Just sing out a Te Deum when you see that ICBM
And the party will be "come as you are"

Oh we will all burn together when we burn
There'll be no need to stand and wait your turn
When it's time for the fallout
And Saint Peter calls us all out
We'll just drop our agendas and adjourn

You will all go directly to your respective Valhallas
Go directly, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollahs

And we will all go together when we go
Ev'ry Hottentot and ev'ry Eskimo
When the air becomes uranious, we will all go simultaneous
Yes we all will go together, when we all go together
Yes, we all will go together when we go
posted by yhbc at 8:30 AM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]

I hate it when someone not funny gets to a decent joke first.
posted by klangklangston at 8:43 AM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]

Yeah, that was kind of boring. I found myself waiting for the end just so I can read the comments making fun of it on MeTa, which should prove to be far more interesting.
posted by Phire at 8:56 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

I went down to the corner store to help myself to some beans but I couldn't decide which ones to loot. Any suggestions? FYI I am vegan.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:20 AM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]

I saw a TV ad yesterday for holidays to New Zealand that was scored with Alphaville's Forever Young. It is really disconcerting to see an ad for a vacation getaway scored with songs about nuclear armageddon. The message I got from it was: "Come to New Zealand, watch the world end."
posted by Kattullus at 9:32 AM on April 14, 2009

Should I keep declawing each new paw my mutant cat grows?

My new prehensile penis has a mind of its own – was I raped?

I'm building a new water purifier out of the remains of my car. Difficulty: I need this water to live.
posted by cowbellemoo at 9:33 AM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

In the event of an actual apocalypse, the Metafilter thread would be filled with:

.
posted by donovan at 9:36 AM on April 14, 2009

Lost me at "don’t just front page some article from Drudge about the end of the world when you don’t have anything provocative to add."

FAIL.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:38 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Astro Zombie's questions led to me picking up a pen and here's the result. Beware, the drawing is quite crap, but I'm posting it anyway so there.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 9:46 AM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]

No one even mentions zombies.
posted by Artw at 9:47 AM on April 14, 2009

The random cutlery in the body's head made me smile soundofsuburbia.
posted by quin at 9:49 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

My new prehensile penis has a mind of its own – was I raped?

Depends, did you circumcise it?
posted by Pollomacho at 9:51 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

When I saw that cosmic hand of doom post, it made me think of an asteroid strike and the movie where they go up and blow the thing up. Then I thought of a lot of disaster movies and what MeFi would be like. I imagined the posts for Independence Day. "Large Spacecraft Have Appeared Over Earth's Cities," etc. Then I imagined the snark.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:51 AM on April 14, 2009

"Come to New Zealand, watch the world end."

Now I know what I hate about New Zealand.
posted by owtytrof at 9:52 AM on April 14, 2009

I don't live in one of the 50 largest cities in the world and the city I live in has been off the list of nuclear targets for almost two decades now, so in the event of a nuclear apocalypse, I could keep on running MeFi from my cupboard. If my services are needed, you'll know where to find me.
posted by daniel_charms at 10:33 AM on April 14, 2009

I'd like to complain.
posted by Meatbomb at 11:08 AM on April 14, 2009

"I went down to the corner store to help myself to some beans but I couldn't decide which ones to loot. Any suggestions? FYI I am vegan."

My boyfriend and I are thinking about only eating beans from here on out. What does everyone hate about beans?
posted by klangklangston at 11:16 AM on April 14, 2009

The half life, mostly.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:36 AM on April 14, 2009

Artw: Electric Dragon totally made an inside joke about zombies.
posted by cowbellemoo at 12:10 PM on April 14, 2009

My stalker: You can fuck right off.
posted by Devils Slide at 12:31 PM on April 14, 2009

Please don't close this thread. I'm nerd-mashing a certain well known REM song.
posted by loquacious at 12:55 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

*fucks off, right fucking off*
posted by Mister_A at 1:14 PM on April 14, 2009

Needs polishing, the free-verse meter is kinda screwy like all free-verse meter is screwy - but it'll do:


It's the end of the net as we know it (and I feel fine)

That's great, it starts with the j-runs, worms and snakes, a badger -
Matt Haughey is not afraid. Eye of a packet storm, listen to yourself cURL -
world serves its own threads, regardless of your own links. Feed it up a twitter post,
reddit, Fark no, digg no. Tree-structure collapse with fear of weight,
down eight. Firewire on fire disconnect the server please in a contractor for
hire and a data site. Left her, wasn't coming in a hurry with the furries
breathing down your neck. Team by team bloggers baffled, track, tracked
back. Look at that self link! Fine then. Uh oh, stack overflow, SQL,
core dump, but it'll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its
own links, listen to your favorites bleed. Tell me with the capture and the
database in the night - right. You vitriolic, esoteric, slam, fight, bright
light, feeling pretty psyched.

It's the end of the net as we know it.
It's the end of the net as we know it.
It's the end of the net as we know it and I feel fine.

Six o'clock - Tivo hour. Don't get caught in proxy tower. Type and gurn,
return, listen to yourself burn. Lock him in deleted and ban hammer,
vote getting. Every meetup escalate. Autoblogging intoxicate. Flickr picture,
google video. Download, download. Watch a real lush, crush. Uh oh,
this means no fear - have a beer. Renegade and piss clear! A tournament,
a tournament, a tournament of whines. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives
and I decline.

It's the end of the net as we know it.
It's the end of the net as we know it.
It's the end of the net as we know it and I feel fine.

The other night I tripped a nice monumental disk device. Mount /dev/hda.
Steven Wozniak. Miguel Cardoso, Hovercraft Eel and languagehat.
Birthday party, pancake, plate of beans, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic,
slam, but neck, right? Right.

It's the end of the net as we know it.
It's the end of the net as we know it.
It's the end of the net as we know it and I feel fine...fine...

(It's time I had some time alone)
posted by loquacious at 1:16 PM on April 14, 2009 [10 favorites]

New Zealand is the Canada of Australia.
Because all the cool people in Australia come from NZ?

...the lyrics to the best nuclear war song I know...
Bugger! I was working my way towards the bottom of the page to do exactly that. Now I have to go with Plan B. I don't think we will all go out in a flash of light, followed by a deep rumbling that starts over the horizon, slowly growing in volume and intensity as it races ever closer. What will happen is:

...
We watched the tragedy unfold
We did as we were told
We bought and sold
It was the greatest show on earth
But then it was over
We ohhed and aahed
We drove our racing cars
We ate our last few jars of caviar
And somewhere out there in the stars
A keen-eyed look-out
Spied a flickering light
Our last hurrah
And when they found our shadows
Grouped around the TV sets
They ran down every lead
They repeated every test
They checked out all the data on their lists
And then the alien anthropologists
Admitted they were still perplexed
But on eliminating every other reason
For our sad demise
They logged the only explanation left
This species has amused itself to death.
posted by dg at 1:17 PM on April 14, 2009

I've just spotted a fleshy-headed mutant in the Forbidden Zone. Could he be friendly?
posted by Spatch at 1:22 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

I imagined the posts for Independence Day. "Large Spacecraft Have Appeared Over Earth's Cities," etc. Then I imagined the snark.

Large Spacecraft Have Appeared Over Earth's Cities
posted by otherwordlyglow (3 comments total) [add to favorites] [!]

United Nations to aliens: Off our lawn, please
posted by DU at 12:59 PM on April 14 [13 favorites +] [!]

posted by otherwordlyglow
eponysterical!
posted by dersins at 12:59 PM on April 14 [+] [flagged]

When you're dressed up in full interplantary invasion gear, with a space helmet obscuring your face, and a pack of your fellow alien commandos behind you, you feel like an invulnerable warrior who "don't have to take no shit from anybody" and you're able to "show 'em who's boss".

Happens in any occupation of "hostile territory": whether in Warsaw in 1942, Proxima Centauri in 2314, or Gaza or Iraq today. The problem is that increasingly, an alien invasion force is allowed to treat the planet they're invading as "hostile territory", territory where anyone not an alien is a hostile, an "animal", a "monkey", a terrorist.
posted by orthogonality at 1:03 PM on April 14 [52 favorites +] [!]

I would now take the time to tell a very long and involved personal story in which I once not only encountered an alien invasion force, but both learned something from the experience, and taught them an important lesson. The story will be awesome. It will be funny and engaging, and very well written. It will be sidebarred, and rightfully so, and garner hundreds of favorites. This short paragraph is merely a metaphor, a synecdoche if you will, used to represent this thousands-of-words-long story. Also, it's extra funny because "Astro" Zombie. Get it?
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:05 PM on April 14 [234 favorites - ] [!]

tl; dr
posted by some idiot refugee from 4chan at 1:06 PM on April 14 [+] [flagged]

posted by dersins at 1:31 PM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]

I hope if the world does verge on ending, MeTa won't be peopled with such addlebrained ninnies as those.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:45 PM on April 14, 2009

what's the frequency, kenneth?
posted by msconduct at 2:59 PM on April 14, 2009

not a single Jrun mention, huh? I call shenanigans.
posted by shmegegge at 3:48 PM on April 14, 2009

Hi, I'm on Metafilter and I could overthink a HUGE FUCKING MISSILES AAAAH WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.
posted by kldickson at 4:06 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]

But I am le tired.

BTW, I forgo any and all copyright claims to the bad REM edit above and in fact deny that I had anything to do with it, so if you feel you wish to polish that turd with better choices of references or would even dare to offend the cosmos itself by actually recording something from such gack then by all means please do...n't unless you can't help it and are under some kind of strange psychological compulsion, in which case you should probably seek help and not instruments and recording gear.
posted by loquacious at 4:26 PM on April 14, 2009

Drop the motherfucker already.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 4:39 PM on April 14, 2009

When Reagan was president, we were all pants-wettingly scared of nuclear war. The Russians were godless creatures bent on destroying us all, and sooner or later someone was going to launch. There were countless made-for-TV movies, television series, and films on the subject of or in some way alluding to what sort of living hell we'd be experiencing in the event. It filled my middle-school head with questions. Should we prepare, just in case? Stock up on canned food and water? Perhaps even build a shelter? Will all my Star Wars merch fit into a pillowcase if we need to leave quickly? It really weighed heavily on my mind. So I went to my dad, and asked him what he would do if a nuclear war started.

"I'd go outside and get evaporated, and I'd expect you to do the same. Unless you want to die of radiation sickness," he said.

It was probably the best advice he ever gave me. So having said that, if there's a nuclear war, and I'm not posting in AskMe about how long you can expect to live drinking your own urine, you can rest assured my shadow is burned into a sidewalk somewhere.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:55 PM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]

The possibility of nuclear war makes me feel really sorry for groups like the Amish. They have nothing to do with any of it, and then, one day, they all start turning into mutants.
posted by Ms. Saint at 5:10 PM on April 14, 2009

Mutant Amish? What, four buttons?
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 5:20 PM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]

the amish are the only ones who'll know what to do after the war. same thing they do now. except their potatoes will be HUGE.
posted by klanawa at 5:23 PM on April 14, 2009

I've seen a couple of sources that report one of the mid-East terrorist organizations now uses a mushroom cloud on their flag, and that it's pretty much a given that they've got the raw materials to create The Bomb.

It's not so much a matter of "if" any more, but "when."
posted by five fresh fish at 5:43 PM on April 14, 2009

The profit is a fool, the spirtual man is mad,
for the multitude of thine inequity, and the great hatred. (Hosea 9:7)

Everyone's trying to decide,
where to go when there's no place to hide.
I follow the bombs as they're coming down.
This must have been Milford Sound.

No matter what they decide to have done.
Burn up the clouds, block out the sun.
My hope is in one they can't bring down.
My soul is in Milford Sound.

I see the fear, it's on the rise.
Let's catch the enemy by surprise.
Bury your treasure where it can't be found.
Bury it deep in Milford Sound.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:00 PM on April 14, 2009

When Reagan was president, we were all pants-wettingly scared of nuclear war.

Well, in my defense, I was of the appropriate age for it.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:08 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]

Nuclear warheads launched from North Korea, Iraq, China, Iran, U.S., Pakistan, India, and France have all but destroyed 22 of the world’s 50 largest cities.

Why are you posting here?? You need to see a doctor right away.
posted by gimonca at 6:19 AM on April 15, 2009 [1 favorite]