What if it was real?

May 30, 2009 6:13 PM

This question was deleted (and we all figured it would be), but I'm curious: What if it was for real? Did the mods contact the asker? Did he confess to it being a joke? If he said it was a joke, did you believe him? What if he really does have a dead body in his apartment? Do we just say "Oh well" or do the mods try to contact the authorities?
posted by amyms to MetaFilter-related at 6:13 PM (91 comments total)

InsanePenguin is an auto sock puppet of mine apparently. I was going to make the Technology and the Bones comments, but got beat to it. Then I was going to make this comment, but the thread was finally closed.

Anyone want to make odds on how long it takes a moderator to show up this time?

I've got $5 on less than 20 minutes. Someone woke up cortex with a stick.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:17 PM on May 30

We do know for sure that his account was disabled.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:20 PM on May 30

It's Saturday afternoon, a fella's trying to relax on the couch a little.

There's no corpse, there's no question of whether or not there's a corpse, and I don't really feel like mucking around with counterfactuals about an actual earnest corpse question. Let's just cross that bridge when we (hopefully never) come to it.

That thread right there is a pretty rock-solid example of the kind of fucking around on askme we are not down with at all. From someone who seemed otherwise clueless, it'd be stern warning time at least, but the user in question had a pretty problematic history of askme abuse already, so adios.
posted by cortex at 6:21 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

It wasn't real. He was real though. A real douchebag.
posted by jerseygirl at 6:22 PM on May 30 [4 favorites]

Holy shit.
posted by loquacious at 6:23 PM on May 30

If that person has had a human corpse in his/her big city apartment for 3 weeks there is no way the neighbors haven't noticed. And little chance of it being hidden at this late date.
posted by DU at 6:23 PM on May 30

MetaTalk: mucking around with counterfactuals about an actual earnest corpse question
posted by DU at 6:24 PM on May 30 [4 favorites]

It's Saturday afternoon, a fella's trying to relax on the couch a little.

It's what I'm doing. That thread was entertaining at best, stupid at worst.

And since cortex showed up in under 20 minutes, everyone owes me $5 (each).
posted by cjorgensen at 6:25 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

What a knob.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:25 PM on May 30

Yeah, nobody has a chest freezer in an apartment. I don't have room for one at my house.
posted by zinfandel at 6:26 PM on May 30

And since cortex showed up in under 20 minutes, everyone owes me $5 (each).

Everybody gets to buy a sockpuppet account for cjorgensen!
posted by zinfandel at 6:27 PM on May 30

Well.

That takes of my next AskMe question, thanks ya'll!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:28 PM on May 30

I wonder how many flags that one piled up. I also wonder how many of them were marked "double."
posted by cjorgensen at 6:32 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

That thread...well, I just...oh, my.
posted by misha at 6:33 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

There's no corpse, there's no question of whether or not there's a corpse, and I don't really feel like mucking around with counterfactuals about an actual earnest corpse question. Let's just cross that bridge when we (hopefully never) come to it.

Okay, fair enough, but I can't be the only one who's curious about what the mods would do in a similar scenario where the chances of it being a joke were a "maybe it is, but then again maybe it's not" kind of thing. I tried to give mostly-serious answers because, hey, you never know. But I tend to have an over-active and overly-paranoid imagination and I was secretly hoping you were all on the phone with the authorities.
posted by amyms at 6:43 PM on May 30

I was secretly hoping you were all on the phone with the authorities.

No. Generally speaking we might email the OP "hey wtf is up" but I can't think of an actual example where we'd be contacting the authorities. I'm sure other people with overly active imaginations could think one up, but in nearly five years we haven't seen one.
posted by jessamyn at 6:46 PM on May 30

I knew I remembered that username from somewhere! The deletion reason from this deleted AskMe was the weirdest one I'd ever seen.
posted by burnmp3s at 6:48 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

What's a convenient corpse?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:58 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

Twenty bucks, same as in town.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:58 PM on May 30 [11 favorites]

I promise you all that if one day I decide to flame out with a ban-worthy AskMe post, it'll be waaaay more creative and humorous than that. That was singularly unimpressive. Not even mediocre.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:05 PM on May 30

So the Greasemonkey script that lets me add notes to a person's profile, does it not work anymore once the account is disabled?

If this is the case, why is this the case?
posted by paisley henosis at 7:08 PM on May 30

you get rid of an inconvenient corpse by dragging it to a convenience store
posted by pyramid termite at 7:18 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

Sorry for the derail, but my wife now has a Twitter account. Should I have her declawed?

TIA bitches.

–A
posted by Mister_A at 7:21 PM on May 30

"If that person has had a human corpse in his/her big city apartment for 3 weeks there is no way the neighbors haven't noticed."

Right. Nice try. Have you been to Detroit?
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 7:25 PM on May 30 [4 favorites]

What's this "What if" it was real?
posted by not_on_display at 7:25 PM on May 30

What if he really does have a dead body in his apartment?

What are you drinking? Of course he doesn't.
posted by desjardins at 7:26 PM on May 30

What are you drinking? Of course he doesn't.

Iced tea. *shrug*
posted by amyms at 7:34 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

Declawing is always a good thing to do!
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 7:35 PM on May 30

ThePinkSuperhero: "What's a convenient corpse?"

One tied to a dolly?
posted by boo_radley at 7:38 PM on May 30 [3 favorites]

b ut I can't think of an actual example where we'd be contacting the authorities. I'm sure other people with overly active imaginations could think one up

It would be awesome if Dick Cheney signed up.

What are you drinking? Of course he doesn't.

Well, where is then?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:38 PM on May 30

I'm trying to think of what a convenient corpse would be. Also pondering what you would sell at a inconvenience store...

This thought experiment feels not unlike an episode of Seinfeld.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:45 PM on May 30 [2 favorites]

Also pondering what you would sell at a inconvenience store

Anything that says "some assembly required."
posted by amyms at 7:47 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

What are you drinking? Of course he doesn't.

Okay, let's just humor this for a second: if he does have a corpse in his apartment, and he received advice from AskMe about disposal, would that the "Best Answer" an accessory?

(The asker was in New York City, right? Cause, I'm quite excited by the idea of being arrested by the NYPD for being an accessory to murder. I've seen lots of episodes of Law & Order, and it seems that crimefighting is rather glamorous over there.)
posted by Sova at 7:48 PM on May 30

What I want to know is, did he actually need to fake a college degree for all those previous deleted Ask.Me's, or was that just three more attempts at trolling?
posted by Ms. Saint at 7:52 PM on May 30

Also pondering what you would sell at a inconvenience store...

I dunno, but it would look like this.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:54 PM on May 30 [3 favorites]

What's a convenient corpse?

Zombie butler. Obviously.
posted by CKmtl at 7:59 PM on May 30 [9 favorites]

An Inconvenient Corpse is the title of Al Gore's project with Sam Raimi.
posted by lukemeister at 8:12 PM on May 30 [11 favorites]

So THAT'S where that smell was coming from...
posted by hermitosis at 8:15 PM on May 30 [6 favorites]

Can we have more corpse stories? Those were fun. Maybe a new subsite? Metacorpose. Or, um... Metastiff.
posted by backseatpilot at 8:15 PM on May 30 [5 favorites]

One tied to a dolly?

you wouldn't want to do that with zombie louie armstrong - he might sing hello dolly
posted by pyramid termite at 8:17 PM on May 30

Fake killers do it like this, real killers do it like this. Or something.
posted by Iosephus at 8:17 PM on May 30

backseatpilot,

I like that. Spooky Scary Saturday Night, when we turn out the lights and the mods tell us ghost stories.
posted by lukemeister at 8:18 PM on May 30

Or, um... Metastiff.

That would be an entirely different subsite. One full of recursive boners.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:29 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

I knew I remembered that username from somewhere! The deletion reason from this deleted AskMe was the weirdest one I'd ever seen.

Ha! I knew it too! There was a follow-up askme that got spiked that basically said "Hey, I lied on my resume and got the job anyway! Nyah-nyah!"
posted by rtha at 8:41 PM on May 30

Convenient Corpse would be a good name for a Muzak death metal band.
posted by box at 8:42 PM on May 30 [3 favorites]

"What's a convenient corpse?"

What's worse than a truckload of dead babies?
posted by ericb at 8:51 PM on May 30

Note to would-be comics:

My reply would have been funnier if I had omitted "Right. Nice try."
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 8:57 PM on May 30

Also pondering what you would sell at a inconvenience store

Anything that says "some assembly required."

Finished furniture

Unfinished furniture

Not even started furniture
posted by lysdexic at 8:59 PM on May 30

Even aside from the improbability of the situation, he was carefully ignoring any answer that might be vaguely useful, or any followup info that might have allowed for a useful answer. With some askmes I wish there were some sort of magic button to lock the thread until the OP comes back with some piece of vital information that they inexplicably left out of the original question.

Also, if he just had it in a chest freezer, where was he keeping the legs and head and so on? Huh? Huh?
posted by hattifattener at 9:08 PM on May 30

zinfandel: Yeah, nobody has a chest freezer in an apartment. I don't have room for one at my house.

Are you kidding? Friend of a friend managed to fit one into the laundry room of a three bedroom apartment. 3 guys and half a cow..
posted by xorry at 9:08 PM on May 30

That dude also asked this question about traffic, which no one understood, and then he clarified, kind of, and then no one answered.
posted by smackfu at 9:08 PM on May 30

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
posted by netbros at 9:11 PM on May 30

The.
posted by Caduceus at 9:33 PM on May 30

What's worse than a truckload of dead babies?

\me makes disapproving face

I once loaded all my manifold and numerous babies into a truck and they all died, so this is really not funny to me.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:36 PM on May 30 [7 favorites]

I seem to recall that this user had some sketchy questions deleted as well.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:37 PM on May 30

Getting rid of the corpse is easy if the traffic is your friend.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:43 PM on May 30 [4 favorites]

jessamyn: "No. Generally speaking we might email the OP "hey wtf is up" but I can't think of an actual example where we'd be contacting the authorities. I'm sure other people with overly active imaginations could think one up, but in nearly five years we haven't seen one."

I always thought there was the occasional suicide question in AskMe – did that ever necessitate a call to the cops?
posted by WCityMike at 10:58 PM on May 30

I swear to fucking god I'll kill myself if the answer is yes.
posted by Item at 11:05 PM on May 30 [2 favorites]

I don't really feel like mucking around with counterfactuals about an actual earnest corpse question.

You know, I don't know how many times I've uttered those exact same words. Thing is, though, I'm still so often unable to tell an earnest corpse from one that's just, well, insincere, I guess.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 1:07 AM on May 31

The now long-dead corpse of Ernst and Malmo, fixtures of childhood Saturday afternoons.
posted by maxwelton at 1:46 AM on May 31

Is there anyway to search for lulzy deleted questions by a specific user? I have the greasemonkey script, but I'd like to see more of Brzht's crazy.
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 1:51 AM on May 31

Site-specific search for him on the Deleted Thread blog?
posted by subbes at 1:53 AM on May 31

I thought that was just for mefi proper. Do AskMes show up there?
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 1:55 AM on May 31

Also pondering what you would sell at a inconvenience store

Anything that says "some assembly required."

So...... Ikea?
posted by emmling at 1:58 AM on May 31

I keep trying to think that surely there is a better way to waste five bucks.
posted by P.o.B. at 4:28 AM on May 31

I once wasted five bucks, but ended up with five inconvenient corpses in my freezer. Want some venison?
posted by qvantamon at 5:01 AM on May 31 [1 favorite]

And you'd have to waste way more than 5 bucks on Shirley there. ($20 sait)
posted by qvantamon at 5:12 AM on May 31

It was a typo. The question was meant to be about tree removal: "What's the best way to get rid of an inconvenient copse?"
posted by steef at 6:51 AM on May 31 [5 favorites]

That was one of the best cases for banination I have seen in some time. I assume it was merely the reefer talking because otherwise it is probably a decent case for institutionalization as well.
posted by caddis at 7:44 AM on May 31

maybe it was a third world dictator, wondering "what's the best way to get rid of an inconvenient corps?"
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:00 AM on May 31 [1 favorite]

Okay, let's just humor this for a second: if he does have a corpse in his apartment, and he received advice from AskMe about disposal, would that the "Best Answer" an accessory?

Fun's fun but I think that if there is ever such a case there would be contextual cues within the post & followups that "something is wrong here". People could tell this was a joke & gave jokey answers. I'd like to think that if it looked at all real we wouldn't do that but do the responsible thing & suggest contacting authorities instead.
posted by scalefree at 8:38 AM on May 31

There's no corpse, there's no question of whether or not there's a corpse,

Hypothetically if you did call the cops and they did bust down his door and there wasn't a corpse, wouldn't that be more funny than if there was a corpse?
posted by Mike1024 at 9:29 AM on May 31

> maybe it was a third world dictator, wondering "what's the best way to get rid of an inconvenient corps?

Maybe he'd just been eating apples?
posted by nowonmai at 9:37 AM on May 31

The question itself was sort of ridiculous, but even better were all his follow-up remarks.

"How do I get rid of a dead body?"
"Uh. Call a coroner? Dissolve it in acid?"
"No! Shut up! Just tell me how to get rid of it!"
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 10:11 AM on May 31 [4 favorites]

I could swear that user had some questions that were basically tantamount to asking "how can I commit mail fraud?" or something similar. Deleted Thread needs an AskMe section!
posted by Burhanistan at 10:51 AM on May 31 [4 favorites]

The first 1:45 of the movie Man Bites Dog has some pertinent information on the topic. Unfortunately the subtitles are heard to read in this clip.
posted by neuron at 12:19 PM on May 31

If you want to piss away five bucks and be called a douchebag, at least make it halfway plausible/entertaining. That wasn't even junior high level trolling.
posted by Devils Slide at 12:40 PM on May 31

I keep trying to think that surely there is a better way to waste five bucks.

Movies cost twice that; it's a bargain. In these economic times...

But yeah, what Devils Slide just said.
posted by salvia at 2:25 PM on May 31

In the course of faking a college degree he acquired Justinian I's works on jurisprudence, the Corpus Iuris Civilis. Since he was apparently inconvenienced by its possession, I assume he had the whole S. P. Scott set, weighing in at a hefty 31 pounds.

If the comment earlier in the thread is correct, he lied on the resume and did get the job. That done, he must have wanted to know what to do with the now-useless books. Silly boy, he could have just sold the set on amazon for a good price.
posted by winna at 4:54 PM on May 31

Anyone care to link to the other deleted AskMes. You know, purely for historical completeness. Not because I relish the bizarreness of others.
posted by Deathalicious at 11:23 PM on May 31

So the Greasemonkey script that lets me add notes to a person's profile, does it not work anymore once the account is disabled?

No, it doesn't, because the script activates on finding the mail/contact field in the profile, both of which are removed from closed accounts. Doesn't seem like a terribly important edge-case, sorry!
posted by jacalata at 12:48 AM on June 1 [1 favorite]

Speaking of deleted threads, is there an easy way to find a deleted Ask thread that I posted in? A question that I'd answered was deleted soon after. I'm pretty sure that I understand why, but I'm curious to see exactly what reason was given for the deletion.

The only way I can think of doing it is enabling the "deleted thread" greasemonkey script and going back through AskMe page by page until I see it. As my timeframe for this is based on a feeling it was between a couple of weeks to a couple of months ago, is there a better way?

I should stress that I don't want to protest the deletion or anything like that; it's just idle curiosity.
posted by metaBugs at 10:38 AM on June 1

metaBugs, your posts should still be accessible from your profile page. Click on your "answers" tally and locate the deleted question in question.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:45 AM on June 1

Here's one.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:47 AM on June 1

Burhan's suggestion works very well for recent stuff—your comment in a recent deleted thread is going to be one of your latest, presumably, so bam.

If you're looking to find an older deleted thread by a comment you left in it, all that paging might be kind of onerous if you comment much. In that case, if you can recall a specific word or phrase that would have been in your comment, you can use the "search activity" field on your profile page to try and track down the comment, and click through on the result once you've found it to pull up the thread in question.
posted by cortex at 11:10 AM on June 1

Well, there's an embarassingly obvious solution. I hadn't twigged that my answers to deleted questions would still show up in my profile.

Thanks very much, both of you!
posted by metaBugs at 1:19 PM on June 1

I still want to see the original deleted question that is referred to in this, later, deletion. Tried half-assedly to find it, but failed.
posted by CunningLinguist at 3:28 PM on June 1

I can't be the only one who's curious about what the mods would do in a similar scenario where the chances of it being a joke were a "maybe it is, but then again maybe it's not" kind of thing

They let it slide until some idiot takes it all too seriously and gets upset, and then they leave it open until it dies naturally.
posted by flabdablet at 12:45 AM on June 2

This is just to say

I have eaten
the corpse
that was in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
trying
to dispose of

forgive me
it was delicious
so chicken-like
and so cold.
posted by elizardbits at 3:45 AM on June 2 [6 favorites]

I still wish there was a Deleted Posts link. I worry. How much comedy gold like this do I miss?
posted by rokusan at 3:49 PM on June 2

jacalata: So the Greasemonkey script that lets me add notes to a person's profile, does it not work anymore once the account is disabled?
No, it doesn't, because the script activates on finding the mail/contact field in the profile, both of which are removed from closed accounts. Doesn't seem like a terribly important edge-case, sorry!

Almost missed this. Thanks for the info!
posted by paisley henosis at 8:43 PM on June 2