"One of you will betray me with a self link before the cock crows thrice"

October 5, 2009 12:03 AM

Some time ago, I did a post about parodies of "The Last Supper". Little did I know at the time that the Greatest Spoof Ever would feature MetaFilter's Own Jesus H. Shatner (although in retrospect, it seems obvious). Ladies and Gentlemen, a masterpiece by leonardo pjern, "The Last Round"

Credits where credit is due:
Photographed at the Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago on October 3rd, 2009.
Original Idea by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94.
Disciple Wrangling by thirteenkiller.
Extra Glory provided by Photoshop.
And the title above is a quote from The Whelk in an unnamed irc (is there anything The Whelk cannot do?).
At the time this picture was taken, I was 1,834 miles away, but pjern was too shy and afraid of self-linking accusations to do this himself. On the other hand, wendell is an attention whore who's currently working on photoshopping himself into the Judas position.
No religious traditions were harmed in the making of this picture; if you want to see blasphemy, check some of these out.

posted by wendell to MetaFilter gatherings at 12:03 AM (127 comments total)

More awesome than I can say.
posted by vrakatar at 12:10 AM on October 5

So, did they eat his flesh and blood after it was snapped? And, will there be MeFi branded communion wafers up for sale on the Shop subsite?

Also, has he risen yet?
posted by Burhanistan at 12:10 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]

I LOVE THIS.

Why is there no heart button?
posted by jonathanstrange at 12:15 AM on October 5

That... is amazing. For a moment I thought someone had photoshopped Jesus in, and then I realized it was cortex.
posted by MadamM at 12:18 AM on October 5

They never did run out of wine at that meetup, did they?
posted by mathowie at 12:20 AM on October 5 [9 favorites]

FUCK YES

also a who's who would be useful.

also this now needs to happen at every meetup.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:33 AM on October 5 [2 favorites]

Bleh. The only good thing about this is that some ass-kissing nerd will probably kill cortex at the next meetup.
posted by mullacc at 12:52 AM on October 5

Etymology of the name Jesus:

"Jesus" (pronounced /ˈdʒiːzəs/) is a transliteration, occurring in a number of languages and based on the Latin Iesus, of the Greek Ἰησοῦς (Iēsoûs), itself a Hellenisation of the Hebrew יהושע (Yehoshua) or Hebrew-Aramaic ישוע (Yeshua, Joshua)

Hmmm.
posted by Rhaomi at 12:54 AM on October 5 [11 favorites]

Being 1800 miles away, I do not have a listing of the persons in the picture, except for the slightly glowing guy next to the NO SMOKING sign. I hope the disciples present would identify themselves (and anyone else they want to expose to the Roman Guard).
posted by wendell at 1:11 AM on October 5

My (non-mefite) boyfriend wandered past just after I opened the photo and said "are they doing that Jesus thing?". So it's obvious even to someone not already in on the joke. Then I got to tell him about the cortex-america-world tour and he was impressed by that too.
posted by shelleycat at 1:39 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]

Such a wonderful snappy from pjern (^_^).
posted by gomichild at 1:46 AM on October 5

I always did kinda think that the original was missing a sock monkey.
posted by Karlos the Jackal at 1:50 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]

Awesome.
posted by delmoi at 1:57 AM on October 5

This made me smile.
posted by pyrex at 2:00 AM on October 5

This is where I'd post an awesome re-interpretation of Heaven On Their Minds with MeFi related lyrics if I wasn't the busiest person in Busytown.
posted by Jofus at 2:32 AM on October 5

Also, has he risen yet?

Yes, and I have such a headache.
posted by cortex at 4:20 AM on October 5 [17 favorites]

How great is that? (hint: it's pretty fucking great)

That pjern fella sure does get around. He was just in my basement last week.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:27 AM on October 5

[This is good]

So who got to be which disciple? If I'd been there I totally would've called being Bartholomew, though I'd happily have been Jude Thaddaeus.
posted by Kattullus at 5:20 AM on October 5

Sacrilicious!
posted by ColdChef at 5:32 AM on October 5 [4 favorites]

Cortex is just all right with me.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:33 AM on October 5 [4 favorites]

While they were getting drunk, Cortex took a donut and blessed it. He broke the donut, gave it to his fellow mefites, and said, "Take this, and eat it. This is.... well, it's just a huge fricken' donut."
posted by chillmost at 5:46 AM on October 5 [14 favorites]

I kind of wish we'd thought to do that in San Francisco, but I'm glad it was thought of and done somewhere on these travels. It is indeed a wondrous thing.
posted by rtha at 5:56 AM on October 5

This is amazing.
posted by greasy_skillet at 6:16 AM on October 5

I'd post an awesome re-interpretation of Heaven On Their Minds

I remember when this whole thing began,
no talk of Mod then, we called you man.
posted by French Fry at 6:22 AM on October 5 [4 favorites]

Genius.
posted by bondcliff at 6:22 AM on October 5

Drats. I've tried opening the last link three times and Firefox has crashed all three times. The MetaFilter shot, though, is awesome.
posted by FunkyHelix at 6:29 AM on October 5

Boy I wish I had gone out Saturday night. I was tired after Friday night and had something early on Sunday, but ...wow, who could have guessed religious tableau would have been part of the festivities.

I would like to be Thomas: doubting, sticking my hand in wounds and then spending time in India.
posted by readery at 6:35 AM on October 5

Sacrilicious!

I came back in here to say "Blasphemilicious!" (in re: MetaFilter Communion Wafers) but you pretty much beat me to it.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:41 AM on October 5

Oh, that is so great.

No doubt future generations will spend hours debating the symbolism and significance of the crumpled napkins and table tents.

Well done!
posted by Miko at 6:53 AM on October 5

Awesome. I love this site.
posted by Afroblanco at 6:58 AM on October 5

This is great.
posted by nooneyouknow at 7:11 AM on October 5

"One of you will self-link before the day is done."
posted by The Whelk at 7:11 AM on October 5 [6 favorites]

"One of you will self-link before the day is done."

The entire table gasped. "Surely you can be serious?" one of the them said. "I am, and don't call me surely."
posted by The Devil Tesla at 7:29 AM on October 5

I am pleased with this
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 7:43 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]

Ok, so here's the breakdown, from left to right:

applemeat
WCityMike
Squeak Attack
I think Squeak Attack's non-Mefite paramour? There was a lot of beer.
eriko
Yours truly, adamdschneider.
cittehkitteh
Big Tex
Green With You
eamondaly with special shoulder guest DJ Bananapants
MCMikeNamara
Iridic
Juliet Banana

As far as a key to the painting, WCityMike has provided.
posted by adamdschneider at 7:46 AM on October 5

love it.
posted by stagewhisper at 7:55 AM on October 5

And so it came to pass that JesusCortex was on the cross. His executioners mocked him "Here, so-called 'Mod of Mefi' - have a drink...".

And a can of Pepsi Blue was put to his lips and JesusCortex looked to the heavens and cried "How refreshing this drink is! - verily I say unto you that Pepsi Blue is the taste of the next generation".

And then there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth - until someone took it to MetaTalk - and there was much banning and flameouts in those days.
posted by panboi at 7:55 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]

Thanks, Adam! I'll just add that East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94, our Simon the Zealot, is just out of frame on the far right.
posted by Iridic at 8:03 AM on October 5

"Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?"

"Well, I don't know… I just thought I'd do a big arms thing, I don't know."

"Well, I'm going to do a big arms thing as well."

"Yeah, me too! I'll call that the big arms..."

"Look, we can't all do big arms! We'll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for fuck's sake! I'll do big arms and you just look at me and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms.' "
posted by daniel_charms at 8:06 AM on October 5 [5 favorites]

Do this one next!

Then this one!

And this one!

Don't forget this one!
posted by contessa at 8:07 AM on October 5

Thanks, Adam! I'll just add that East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94, our Simon the Zealot, is just out of frame on the far right.

Which I regret: Had I known in advance that I was going to be called on to shoot a panorama in a dark tavern under Chicago, I would have brought a few thousand watt-seconds of lighting and a wider lens that the standard 18-70 I had with me. As it was, I had to stand the monopod on the counter and lean waaaay over and reach up: any more and I'd have to have stood on the grill.

Next time :)
posted by pjern at 8:11 AM on October 5

God damn it all. I should have been there, I could have seen this awesome firsthand, but no, I agreed to help the neighbors with their stupid cybernetic chainsaw grizzly bear problem.

I could have seen mefi history in the making, but no; instead all I got was a sprained arm and a mild case of space-rabies.

Suck.
posted by quin at 8:11 AM on October 5

That pjern fella sure does get around. He was just in my basement last week.

Well you shouldn't have left a broken glass where I could get to it to cut the ropes, facilitating my escape. This is why you can't keep nice things :)
posted by pjern at 8:15 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]

Yay!
posted by ocherdraco at 8:26 AM on October 5

Someone should have done this at one of the 10th anniversary meetups.
posted by marxchivist at 8:27 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]

Also, has he risen yet?

Doubtful. The cortex wafers are unleavened.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:33 AM on October 5 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter: Your own personal Jesus
posted by deborah at 8:47 AM on October 5

MetaFilter: Your own personal Jesus

P.S cortex, composing a nice cover song on a uke is a good way to de-stress after a long flight just FYI
posted by The Whelk at 8:48 AM on October 5

God, this is awesome. I mulled over trying to do something like this at the Durham, NC meetup, but there weren't enough people. I am so, so glad someone managed this awesomeness.
posted by odinsdream at 8:49 AM on October 5

Haha! This is fantastic. Cortex, you really pull off Jesus way too well. This could be a whole new career track. Think about it.
posted by lazaruslong at 8:56 AM on October 5

Now if someone could just photoshop it with those filters that make it look like an oil painting type thingy, with some halo action around Cortex's head...
posted by lazaruslong at 8:57 AM on October 5

Now that's just fucking awesome.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:06 AM on October 5

So who got to be which disciple?

"Heyheyhey! You can't all be Thomas!"

"Awww..."
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:08 AM on October 5

I didn't realize cortex was Jewish.
posted by JeffK at 9:10 AM on October 5

It all came about when we ended up with the one long table (we'd move two times to get to this table) and someone -- either East, etc. or I mentioned the Last Supper. Of course, only a bunch of fools on a two day bender would have taken that an run with it, but we were long on a bunch of fools on a two day bender. I was please to play the part of Andrew, though Judas and I aren't quite in the right places, but hey, it meant I got to stare at cittehkitteh, so who am I to argue?

Now if someone could just photoshop it with those filters that make it look like an oil painting type thingy, with some halo action around Cortex's head...

If the Goat had any round serving trays, someone would have been playing the part of Comicus.
posted by eriko at 9:10 AM on October 5

Awesome. Now we just need Dan Brown to decipher it for us. Coming soon to a bookstore near you: The Cortex Code.
posted by amyms at 9:11 AM on October 5

Lol.
Very funny.
Great job everyone.
posted by bru at 9:13 AM on October 5

I tried to help with posing, but even I couldn't get cortex to put down his beer.
posted by pjern at 9:18 AM on October 5

I like the part where cortex looks like jesus.
posted by jessamyn at 9:21 AM on October 5 [13 favorites]

dang, I would have been there but for a flat tire.
posted by desjardins at 9:22 AM on October 5

but even I couldn't get cortex to put down his beer.

Blood of Christ, you know.
posted by eriko at 9:27 AM on October 5

Now if someone could just photoshop it with those filters that make it look like an oil painting type thingy

Here you go.
posted by pjern at 9:30 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]

Christ, what a wry soul.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:38 AM on October 5

Christ, what a cortex.
posted by The Whelk at 9:39 AM on October 5

You'd be surprised how many people with long hair and a beard are said to resemble Jesus (especially the Anglo-European rendition of Jesus).
posted by Burhanistan at 9:40 AM on October 5

I just keep looking at this and laughing. Someone is going to walk by my office door and wonder what in the hell is going on.
posted by marxchivist at 9:40 AM on October 5

If the Goat had any round serving trays, someone would have been playing the part of Comicus

Somehow I was distracted while everyone was setting this up and missed out on a place at the table, so I went in search of a halo. The woman behind the counter wouldn't lend me any of the Goat's pots or buckets. I assume she didn't want to have to wash them again. Had I thought of it, I would have checked the men's room for one of those giant rolls of toilet paper.
posted by hydrophonic at 9:48 AM on October 5

No halo. Cheeps.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:51 AM on October 5

Here is the SNL sketch
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:53 AM on October 5

Awesome! This should go into the wiki, under Great Moments in MetaFilter History!

communion wafers and wine --> donuts and beer - how's that for transubstantiation?
posted by Quietgal at 9:56 AM on October 5

Jesus is not a fan of Louie, that "I wanna dip my balls in it" guy.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:04 AM on October 5

Amazing. Nice work.
posted by Kwine at 10:30 AM on October 5

Fanfuckingtastic.
posted by eyeballkid at 10:32 AM on October 5

I feel like that guy who was a disciple but had other, boring stuff to do the day of the last supper and then didn't get included in the Bible or any cool Renaissance paintings.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:11 AM on October 5 [2 favorites]

This.
posted by ooga_booga at 11:42 AM on October 5

lazaruslong: Now if someone could just photoshop it with those filters that make it look like an oil painting type thingy, with some halo action around Cortex's head...

Is this halo big enough?
posted by Pronoiac at 12:43 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]

Is this halo big enough?

Not really, but, if you make it any bigger, people are going to be able to see where the serial number has been filed off.
posted by FishBike at 12:56 PM on October 5

Do I really have to do everything myself? Come on, y'all: the halo should be a donut.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:02 PM on October 5 [3 favorites]

Original Idea by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94.

Certainly better than his previous MeFi ideas. Cortex, the redeemer.
posted by cillit bang at 1:08 PM on October 5 [4 favorites]

I can't wait for the nativity scene Christmas card!
posted by scody at 1:09 PM on October 5

I can't wait for the nativity scene Christmas card!

They'll be adoring a plate of beans.
posted by The Whelk at 1:12 PM on October 5

O come let us adore them
Pla-ate of beans!

or, in the original Latin

Venite adoremus
Legumini!
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:18 PM on October 5 [6 favorites]

Haha! That's great pjern and pronoiac.
posted by lazaruslong at 1:20 PM on October 5

Oh, don't let ass a door hit,
Oh, don't let ass a door hit,
Oh, don't let ass a door hit-it
Pla-ate of beans!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:26 PM on October 5 [2 favorites]

Hammers we have heard on high
Sweetly banning o'er the plains
And the mountains in reply
Echoing their snarky strains:

Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ria
In excelsis cortex
posted by scody at 1:34 PM on October 5 [2 favorites]

We should totally write our own version of the bible to reflect these new revelations and to remove an Anti-Metafilter Bias.
posted by The Whelk at 1:35 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]

It's partially perspective but suddenly I see why I was carded so hard all weekend. I'm several feet shorter than everyone else.
posted by Juliet Banana at 1:47 PM on October 5

This is interesting. In fact, I just realized that ever since cortex visited Salt Lake I am no longer a leper.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 1:55 PM on October 5 [3 favorites]

Now if someone could just photoshop it with those filters that make it look like an oil painting type thingy

My (poor) attempt.
posted by FunkyHelix at 2:08 PM on October 5 [6 favorites]

Hey, at the next Cortex tour meetup will you please recreate the Birth of Venus. That'd be gas.
posted by Elmore at 2:10 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]

It's partially perspective but suddenly I see why I was carded so hard all weekend. I'm several feet shorter than everyone else.

No, that can't be it. I'm shorter than you and I escaped notice at the gay bar, whereas MY HUSBAND WHO IS 4 YEARS OLDER THAN ME got carded at both bars Friday night. WTF, grar, etc
posted by desjardins at 2:20 PM on October 5

"One of you will betray me with a self link before the cock bucket of cocks crows thrice"
posted by qvantamon at 2:31 PM on October 5

Doooonut.
posted by Pronoiac at 2:31 PM on October 5 [2 favorites]

Apparently, it's called a "luminous halo."

I'm done for now.
posted by Pronoiac at 2:57 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]

This is great stuff, you guys. We can serve the amazing cheesus burger for communion.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:59 PM on October 5

It's astounding: we're this far into the thread, and not one sleazeball has tried to get Jessamyn to re-enact The Kiss. Yet.
posted by FelliniBlank at 3:25 PM on October 5

~ Fresco ~

The halo is a genuine half-eaten Voodoo-brand Tex-Ass donut that coincidentally (miraculously???) fit cortex's silhouette.
posted by Rhaomi at 3:55 PM on October 5 [4 favorites]

~ Fresco ~

Well played :)
posted by pjern at 4:15 PM on October 5

The halo is a genuine half-eaten Voodoo-brand Tex-Ass donut that coincidentally (miraculously???) fit cortex's silhouette.

WHOA I SEE CORTEX IN THAT DONUT DO YOU SEE THAT
posted by Pronoiac at 4:32 PM on October 5

Damn, I wish I'd been there. I could have rocked Thomas so hard. I doubt like a mofo! Ask anyone!
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:15 PM on October 5

This is what happens when you let us have nice things.
posted by eriko at 5:38 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]

I'm NOT praying to him.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:48 PM on October 5

Hmm, I'm spying that no smoking sign....

Why can't you smoke at the last round? I mean, are health directives really useful at this stage?

(on second thought, maybe I should just say 'that's awesome'. )
posted by anitanita at 6:43 PM on October 5

The sign says NO SMOKING, not NO GLOWING.
posted by wendell at 7:30 PM on October 5

I'm NOT praying to him.

Of course not, dear. Now go bow before your master.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:38 PM on October 5

I think the Fresco version should go on a Franklin Mint Plate.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:41 PM on October 5

Or at least a Zazzle mug.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:42 PM on October 5

I would seriously buy a mug.
posted by scody at 8:44 PM on October 5

I would buy a T-shirt.
posted by Quietgal at 9:11 PM on October 5

I would buy cortex.

I set up a little recording studio with a beer drip and lots of wood shavings and a wheel and a busy ball. With a ball. With a bell. Cortex is 12 inches high, right?
posted by The Whelk at 9:12 PM on October 5 [2 favorites]

Cortex is 12 inches high, right?

Yes, and he plays the piano. The genie didn't hear me right.
posted by jessamyn at 9:13 PM on October 5 [15 favorites]

I'm struggling to find an emoticon that expresses "surpressing a laugh as to not disturb the person next to you but ultimately failing." Hope me?
posted by The Whelk at 9:22 PM on October 5

A++, would load picture again.
posted by Caduceus at 9:34 PM on October 5

Probably more A Friend in Need than The Last Supper, but here you go...
posted by louche mustachio at 12:51 AM on October 6 [1 favorite]

Funny. He doesn't look jewish.
posted by Sparx at 3:15 AM on October 6 [1 favorite]

I would also buy a mug. Just slap the photo on it as-is and list it in the Shop.

Seriously. I will buy this immediately.
posted by odinsdream at 5:22 AM on October 6

You can make a mug on Zazzle yourself in about 5 minutes...
posted by Burhanistan at 6:04 AM on October 6

Burhanistan: As a photographer that strikes me the wrong way, rights-wise.
posted by odinsdream at 6:52 AM on October 6

I put up the original photo as a CC-licensed no commercial no derivatives, so that people could download it for personal use, wallpaper, whatever. While I have no objections to the all-in-fun shops we do here, I'd prefer not to see this plastered on mugs and such without some agreement in place. I don't think that's unreasonable.
posted by pjern at 7:08 AM on October 6

I can't find the original picture of cortex eating the massively huge donut. Can someone link it here so my husband knows wtf I'm talking about?
posted by desjardins at 8:37 AM on October 6

It's in cortex's profile, but here.

Eat of the donut, for it is holey.
posted by zamboni at 8:45 AM on October 6

I was actually kind of kidding about the zazzle.com thing. People actually would pay money to put this picture on durable goods? Ok.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:03 AM on October 6

For posterity, here's the original donut pic on flickr.
posted by cortex at 9:45 AM on October 6 [2 favorites]

Off topic, but because of the enormity of the donut, I never noticed the drawing of the Banjo of Destruction on the whiteboard. Now I want to know the legend of this fearsome banjo, that was tearing shit all asunder until the dreaded work encroached upon its trail of carnage.

It would be particularly helpful to note whether the doom and terror it wrought was clawhammer or Scruggs style, and whether the banjo's strings were forged in the same fire as the Banhammer.
posted by louche mustachio at 3:56 PM on October 6

He's not the son of God, he's a very naughty boy!
posted by shakespeherian at 4:04 PM on October 6

seriously. amazing. that is all.
posted by exlotuseater at 8:56 PM on October 6

OK, I got my credit cards back, and visited Zazzle: Here's your mug.
posted by pjern at 11:59 AM on October 11