Not cool, man, my mom was a nun guzzler.

November 16, 2010 4:31 PM

Hey there, butt puzzles, here's me and jessamyn rattling off insulting nicknames for your entertainment.

These are all from this recent askme which was referenced in the most recent podcast, and the video was inspired by ColdChef bribing jessamyn with philanthropy.

There was no sane way to get all of the insults into a video—between our two raw material recordings there was like 14 minutes of material—so this is more of a highlight reel.

posted by cortex to MetaFilter-Related at 4:31 PM (170 comments total)

yeah!!! my insult made the cut :)

you two are adorably dead-pan in this
posted by supermedusa at 4:34 PM on November 16, 2010

Hey hey whoa whoa my kids use this Internet, you creeps.
posted by theredpen at 4:40 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Jessamyn: this list of... uh... "nicknames"?
Amusing! Yes. So! I too donate to a foodbank.
posted by boo_radley at 4:40 PM on November 16, 2010

I sent this to my son who's studying English in Utrecht. Match the Dutch in their best skill: swearing.
Quite impressive.
posted by Namlit at 4:41 PM on November 16, 2010

That may very well be the greatest SLYT ever. Excellent editing, Cortex.

What was the charity? That was so awesome it deserves matching funds from more of us.
posted by bondcliff at 4:45 PM on November 16, 2010

Did I say "creeps"? I meant clown-fuckers.
posted by theredpen at 4:46 PM on November 16, 2010

Nice.
posted by heyho at 4:47 PM on November 16, 2010

Butt puzzle is wonderful.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 4:47 PM on November 16, 2010

This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. There's something oddly sexy about the whole thing. Maybe it's the jazz, but maybe Jessamyn reading ridiculous insults is just hot. Not sure.
posted by askmeaboutLOOM at 4:47 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

I like the contrasting computer rooms, too.
posted by boo_radley at 4:48 PM on November 16, 2010

This, so far, has been the best part of my day.
posted by pemberkins at 4:51 PM on November 16, 2010

I generally prefer guys, but if jessamyn were to say, "uuuhhh, lamb fucker," across the right crowded room...
posted by heyho at 4:55 PM on November 16, 2010 [9 favorites]

Oh hey, you nut fuzzlets make a commercial for Comedy Central!

Hee hee, that was hilarious, thanks for sharing.
posted by nomadicink at 4:56 PM on November 16, 2010

Fun!
posted by misozaki at 4:57 PM on November 16, 2010

Just turned around to see entire office staring at me, but that didn't stop the guffaw.

pope-felcher ftw!
loquacious is my hero.
posted by carsonb at 4:58 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

dorkus retardicii
posted by Babblesort at 4:59 PM on November 16, 2010

If you all enjoyed this as much as I did, feel free to make a donation to Jessamyn's local food bank: http://www.randolphareafoodshelf.org/

They take PayPal!
posted by ColdChef at 5:08 PM on November 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

This is a thing of beauty. Well done.
posted by greasy_skillet at 5:10 PM on November 16, 2010

I'm telling Matt.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 5:11 PM on November 16, 2010 [5 favorites]

I'm kinda partial to "Shit Mittens" myself.

So this video, it's a list of sock puppet names we can pick from, right?
posted by marxchivist at 5:12 PM on November 16, 2010 [6 favorites]

I don't see this going down well at poetry night at the coffee haus.
posted by Askiba at 5:14 PM on November 16, 2010

It's their fine diction that makes this so riveting. I like how cortex gives it his all and jessamyn, no matter what she says, still seems demure.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:15 PM on November 16, 2010

If you all enjoyed this as much as I did, feel free to make a donation to Jessamyn's local food bank

Done. Those buttnuggets at the Randolph food bank are going to be wondering why they're suddenly getting money from a bunch of asshat douchetrucks.
posted by bondcliff at 5:15 PM on November 16, 2010 [6 favorites]

Y'all left out turkey butt.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:16 PM on November 16, 2010

This is why I love you cockfarmers.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:16 PM on November 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

From the YouTube text: "Metafilter mods Jessamyn West and Josh Millard recite selected insults from this Ask Metafilter thread: ..."

I thought it was MetaFilter!

And MeFi is pronounced Me - Figh!!!
posted by ericb at 5:19 PM on November 16, 2010

O O O O that Shakespeherian Rag—
It's so elegant
So intelligent
"What shall I do now? What shall I do?"

this is awesome and i hope more 'modcasts' are planned.
posted by clavdivs at 5:27 PM on November 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

Nice work! I think shitmittens may be one of mine, even though I never saw the thread in question. That makes me happy.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:29 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. There's something oddly sexy about the whole thing.

In the sense that there's something peculiarly transgressive about watching someone who looks like your primary school teacher reading out a list of vile, scurrilous insults while making exactly the same sort of faces she'd make if she were reading you Jack and the Beanstalk, then yes, I agree.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:29 PM on November 16, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm kinda partial to "Shit Mittens" myself. So this video, it's a list of sock puppet names we can pick from, right?

No, these are real people they're talking about you damn Nun Guzzler.
posted by Shit Mittens at 5:30 PM on November 16, 2010 [4 favorites]

Any chance we can get you two to sing a duet of that song from the South Park Movie? You know the one I mean.
posted by Gator at 5:35 PM on November 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

If this doesnt get side-barred I'm gonna explain to jessamyn what choad huffer means.

Web 2.whoa!!!


Outstanding
posted by timsteil at 5:36 PM on November 16, 2010

I love you both, but when Jessamyn is amused/annoyed by any of the given insults, it just tickles me to death. I want the two of you to get an avant-garde sitcom on AMC, or something.
posted by xingcat at 5:37 PM on November 16, 2010

I lost it for about thirty seconds and had to pause the video when cortex called someone a "Glenn Beck-wad"
posted by anifinder at 5:38 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

There was no sane way to get all of the insults into a video—between our two raw material recordings there was like 14 minutes of material...

Dude! Use Vimeo!

if only I had some catchy insult handy
posted by Pronoiac at 5:38 PM on November 16, 2010

I totally sent an email saying "Hey I'm teaching a class for a few hours, I'll be back online after 8:30 pm" and somehow THIS is the week that cortex decides to do something well ahead of anticipated schedule and put this on YouTube before I could protest.

That said, oh my god funny. I'll upload my extended dance remix to YouTube.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:39 PM on November 16, 2010 [4 favorites]

Dude! Use Vimeo!

It wasn't a hosting issue, it was a question of whether a fourteen-minute-long video was anything that I wanted to (a) go to the effort of editing and then (b) make people sit through. A taut four minutes and change felt like the right way to go, and also actually got done, so, heh.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:41 PM on November 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Awesome! I shared it with all the cream-faced bottled spiders who read my Facebook. :)
posted by Jacqueline at 5:47 PM on November 16, 2010

Woah, how the hell did I miss out on this AskMe before. Great video, great AskMe. Fun to read, fun to contribute to.
posted by Kattullus at 5:47 PM on November 16, 2010

Here are my deleted scenes. Thanks for anyone who wants to make a donation to the food bank. Totally optional but totally appreciated.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:56 PM on November 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

I dunno. I liked "feckless cad."

Maybe I'm just old skool.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:59 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Butt puzzle! Goatse meets Hellraiser!
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 6:07 PM on November 16, 2010

"Douchetruck" is my new favorite word. Still haven't uttered it aloud yet.
posted by localhuman at 6:10 PM on November 16, 2010

Goatse meets Hellraiser!

Pinhead all showing up with the rest of the Cenobytes and being like "we will show you new limitless dimensions of OH JESUS WHAT THE WHAT IS THAT HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE HOLY SHIT"
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:14 PM on November 16, 2010 [12 favorites]

I love that Paul Hardcastle's 19 is among the top recommended videos.

Time to start putting together a playlist.
posted by 256 at 6:14 PM on November 16, 2010

I am through the looking glass.

Just before clicking on this, I got off the phone with my mom. Up to this point, in my almost 40 years and her almost 70, the strongest swear I'd ever heard her utter was -- I kid you not -- "crappy doodle." She'd let "crappy doodle" fly and we knew we were in for a shit day. But tonight, on the phone, she actually said "effing cunt." She was telling me about a dear friend of hers who's going through a hard time and whose son apparently refers to his mother as a 'fucking cunt.' So, you know, there was context there, but still. MY MOM SAID THE C WORD. BUT COULDN'T BRING HERSELF TO SAY THE F WORD.

First thing I did after hanging up was watch this. Like I said, through the looking glass, people.

Tomorrow happens to be the day that a local food bank is picking up donations from my office. I shit you not, spooge muffins, I am cleaning out my pantry and taking in a box full of canned goods on behalf of my foul-mouthed mother and the foul-mouthed mods, just in hopes of scouring this shit from my brain.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:15 PM on November 16, 2010 [7 favorites]

Fart blossom. You also forgot fart blossom.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:17 PM on November 16, 2010

OH JESUS WHAT THE WHAT IS THAT HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE HOLY SHIT"
posted by cortex

I love you so hard right now, you perforated cum bubble.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 6:19 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think I knew Myron.
posted by waviolet at 6:20 PM on November 16, 2010

you had me at douche-truck
posted by lakersfan1222 at 6:26 PM on November 16, 2010

i'm calling the Marines because some of this are not the lexicon.
posted by clavdivs at 6:38 PM on November 16, 2010

I was surprised at the lack of queef-related nicknames. Other than that, good job. Keep it classy, Metafilter.
posted by not_on_display at 6:39 PM on November 16, 2010

point being
posted by clavdivs at 6:39 PM on November 16, 2010

cortex: "Pinhead all showing up with the rest of the Cenobytes"

A lot of awkward gothic shuffling and then "WE SHALL SHOW OURSELVES OUT. WE APOLOGIZE FOR DISTURBING YOU."
posted by boo_radley at 6:39 PM on November 16, 2010 [4 favorites]

timing is everything.
posted by clavdivs at 6:39 PM on November 16, 2010

I was surprised at the lack of queef-related nicknames

You would be, you queef-mentioner.
posted by theredpen at 6:40 PM on November 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Someone should slap on some Auto-Tune and turn this into a sing along.
posted by Sailormom at 6:43 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

queefeaters
posted by clavdivs at 6:43 PM on November 16, 2010

I very much enjoy Jessamyn's poignant expression of long-suffering bemusement as she says "sperm-burping minx."
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:45 PM on November 16, 2010 [5 favorites]

I must have picked up shitmittens from stav, cuz i say that. Quite a bit, actually.
posted by vrakatar at 6:52 PM on November 16, 2010

I now have a crush on jessamym.

Is that an insult?
posted by slogger at 7:11 PM on November 16, 2010

*applauds*
posted by Kwine at 7:14 PM on November 16, 2010

I now have a crush on jessamym.

What? No love for comtex?
posted by special-k at 7:14 PM on November 16, 2010 [6 favorites]

You missed one.
posted by backseatpilot at 7:17 PM on November 16, 2010

What? No love for comtex?

Now that's just dirty.
posted by slogger at 7:26 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

I have a crush on coramynn. Thanks assbutts.
posted by localhuman at 7:26 PM on November 16, 2010

Muppet (pointed expression).
posted by ke rose ne at 7:36 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

My contributions:

Boogerflicker, buttmonger, and choadhuffer

were the first three that Jessamyn said.

I'm kind of proud of that.

It's a conflicted sort of pride, but I'll take it.


I have dropped douche truck, douche canoe, and butt puzzle into casual conversation recently, and they really are winners. As in, the person I was talking to stopped and said "Wait, did you just say douche truck? That's amazing."
posted by louche mustachio at 7:39 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Doctor Fartbreath!" might be my new catchphrase.
posted by AlisonM at 7:41 PM on November 16, 2010

"Douchetruck" is my new favorite word. Still haven't uttered it aloud yet.
posted by localhuman at 8:10 PM on November 16


DO IT. You will be feted as a hero. I'm telling you.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:42 PM on November 16, 2010

I am going to have a difficult time explaining this to the food bank.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:48 PM on November 16, 2010 [36 favorites]

Just call them all can-hoarders and then look up at them expectantly.
posted by thusspakeparanoia at 7:53 PM on November 16, 2010 [8 favorites]

I am going to have a difficult time explaining this to the food bank.

posted by jessamyn Sweeny Todd at 7:48 PM on November 16 [+] [!]
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 7:58 PM on November 16, 2010

"Small, just very... small..." was when I lost it.
posted by flashboy at 8:00 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

| Metafilter LLC
| ...................................................Nov. 16, 2010
|
| Pay: .................Food Bank.................[ $500.00 ]
| to the order of
| .................Five hundred dollars and 00/100 Dollars
|
| Memo BUTT PUZZLE ..............Signature_____________
|________________________________________________

OK GUYS ITS ALL READY TO GO JUST HAVE THE TREASURER SIGN AND POST IT
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:02 PM on November 16, 2010 [11 favorites]

I am going to have a difficult time explaining this to the food bank.

I bet it happens to those canwads a lot.
posted by special-k at 8:03 PM on November 16, 2010

Nice ligature on the url at the end.

God, I am such a type nerd.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:03 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

OK GUYS ITS ALL READY TO GO JUST HAVE THE TREASURER SIGN AND POST IT

Your ass mom can sign it.
posted by special-k at 8:04 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm half tempted to show this video to my EFL students.
posted by Memo at 8:06 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

English as a Fucking Language?
posted by ocherdraco at 8:08 PM on November 16, 2010 [13 favorites]

Your Lazy Susan ain't got nothin' on my Spinning Jenny
posted by Throw away your common sense and get an afro! at 8:15 PM on November 16, 2010

I'm going to have that song lodged in my head for days. I assume I'm going to have a lot of explainin' to do.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 8:24 PM on November 16, 2010

Yeeeees! This was hilarious. You said all of my insults, and cortex said wang twice. Excellent.

Also Jessamyn and Cortex are so cute! I'm totally crushing now!
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:25 PM on November 16, 2010

Your ass mom can sign it.

That's exactly the problem: After the Ass-Mom, Constable Fuckthroat, and Diarrhea Wildcatter Naturalization Act of 2009 passed like a unanimous greasy fart, Ass-Moms are no longer legally recognized as persons. Combined with the lack of opposable thumbs, they're almost as bad off as those Chode-Ear Junction Wranglers in Mississippi.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:29 PM on November 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: A glenbeckwad of no talent ass clown fuckers.
posted by special-k at 8:50 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mr. F is all sad that he didn't post "ductfucker" now.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:03 PM on November 16, 2010

NO! clowns have butts.
posted by clavdivs at 9:04 PM on November 16, 2010

jessamyn: "I am going to have a difficult time explaining this to the food bank."

As it is a "special occasion," you can say you got it from a bunch of "ham-fuckers." DO NOT GIVE THE FOOD BANK ANY HAM WHILE YOU EXPLAIN THIS OK?
posted by not_on_display at 9:07 PM on November 16, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm a little disappointed that "thumb-humping knuckle fucker" didn't make the final edit. That was a personal favorite.
posted by middleclasstool at 9:09 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Retardicus" is the funniest thing I've heard in days.
posted by Mikey-San at 9:30 PM on November 16, 2010

WE STILL PUT OUR TRUST IN BLAST HARDCHEESE.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:31 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Filth wizard" is simply AMAZING! That's my cat's new nickname!
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 9:43 PM on November 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Now I know where my new ringtone is coming from.
posted by nightwood at 9:43 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

When people ask me why I love this place, I'll point them toward this thread. And then they'll back away slowly and know not to ask me any more stupid questions.
posted by rtha at 9:45 PM on November 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

I am giggling like a demented 13 year old and the cats are staring at me.
posted by deborah at 9:53 PM on November 16, 2010

And then they'll back away slowly and know not to ask me any more stupid questions.

This has actually and legitimately happened to me recently. NO LIE!
posted by hapax_legomenon at 9:58 PM on November 16, 2010

Love how jessamyn quotes almost everything with distaste until she gets to "fuckbutton."

Fuckbutton! So perfect, it's practically an endearment.
posted by torticat at 9:58 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Surely I'm not the only butt hair who started watching this and immediately tried to wipe the two annoying specks of dust off my laptop screen.
posted by Balonious Assault at 10:21 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

How much do I need to donate to the food bank to hear you guys perform Howl?
posted by nightwood at 10:50 PM on November 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Hehe, I was cracking up over this earlier. Made the husband watch and he sighed and told me that it was only funny to Mefites. :(
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:10 PM on November 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

What a lovely MetaFilter promo! Can we rotate this in the sidebar? Maybe just one insult at a time, at random.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:25 AM on November 17, 2010

I now have a crush on jessamym.

I once thought I had a crush on Jessamyn. Then, a few weeks later, she happened to mention that the naked picture she posted on twitter was actually of her boyfriend.

I've been questioning my sexuality ever since.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:57 AM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

I don't think there's really any question there, peter
posted by flatluigi at 1:21 AM on November 17, 2010

Cat Pie Hurts: ""Filth wizard" is simply AMAZING! That's my cat's new nickname"

"You are a filth wizard, friend only to the pig and the rat."
posted by yaymukund at 1:46 AM on November 17, 2010

First, I was pleasantly surprised that I have personally been called less than half of those names.

Second, what's the font you used on the "metafilter.com" at the end? Nice use of an over-reaching "f". If you ever want to redesign the official site logo, you could do worse. (NOW I'm going to be called ALL of those names for just hinting at such a thing)
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:53 AM on November 17, 2010

Make the logo queefier.
posted by nomadicink at 4:27 AM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

Apropos of nothing, The Whelk appeared in my dream last night. It took place in a bathroom. Urine was involved.

I think I've said too much.
posted by slogger at 4:54 AM on November 17, 2010

Can I get "Nun Guzzler" on the back of my T-shirt? Just under the "Community Weblog" bit?
posted by Ahab at 5:00 AM on November 17, 2010

Butt puzzle on the T-shirt, please.
posted by Mid at 5:20 AM on November 17, 2010

Nice! I'm particularly tickled that the confluence of turd burglars made the final cut. Speaking of sentences that don't appear that often.
posted by dirtdirt at 5:27 AM on November 17, 2010

These insults were, on the whole, pretty high-quality.
posted by kalessin at 5:40 AM on November 17, 2010

Really, the part that just slayed me was cortex very dryly explaining "Dirty teeth... because your teeth are dirty. From all the shit you eat." Amazing.

Still can't believe ass-pirate didn't make the list. ASS PIRATE!
posted by sonika at 5:43 AM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

Awesome. Also, jessamyn's scarf is adorable.
posted by valkyryn at 5:48 AM on November 17, 2010

Sometimes I get a little tired of MetaFilter for a while. Then something like this comes along and I feel like I should pay another five dollars. So I'll give it to the food bank so I don't feel too guilty.
posted by Shohn at 5:51 AM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

I haven't heard anyone called/insulted as Myron since 8th-grade science class. Mr. Stafford, are you out there somewhere?
posted by JanetLand at 5:52 AM on November 17, 2010

I have an interview later this morning, and have been listening to the video for motivation and inspiration, and it just occurred to me that the quintessential Metfilterian invective is nowhere to be found: what, no bucket of cocks?
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 5:52 AM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'd like to watch/listen to this at work, but dammit, cortex, you cock-nozzle, don't you know how to equalize the sound between two tracks of video. It's like you did that on purpose Mr. Bonesmuggler - because your names seem to have a much higher quantity of profanity and your audio is much louder. The result is:

_charmschool TURDBURGLER

So thanks, chuckle-butt.
posted by plinth at 5:57 AM on November 17, 2010

Damnit, I wish I'd known about this. More people need to use the word "twunt"...
posted by sodium lights the horizon at 6:04 AM on November 17, 2010

Second, what's the font you used on the "metafilter.com" at the end? Nice use of an over-reaching "f".

It's just Futura, same as for the other bits of text. That ligature was a surprise to me as well, but I thought it looked nice.

I'd like to watch/listen to this at work, but dammit, cortex, you cock-nozzle, don't you know how to equalize the sound between two tracks of video.

I took the easy way out and didn't hand-tweak the audio segments, since that would have added a bunch more time to the process. Did my best to use the audio compression plugin in Final Cut to get it close, but the source audio for Jess's bits was not awesome and she's charmingly mumbly at times and so it was hard to find a balance between too-soft and MUMBLE-OF-GOD. I was earblind by the end, probably; it sounded good enough to me, but then I knew what all the lines were so I probably wasn't listening as hard as I should have been.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:30 AM on November 17, 2010

New favorite phrase: MUMBLE-OF-GOD.

Bonus! It also works as an insult.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:34 AM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

I like "earblind" too, but mainly because it sounds like a neurological disorder where you know Van Gogh looks funny but you can't quite articulate why.

Anyone got Oliver Sacks's number?
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:37 AM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's nice to know work-shirking lackadaisy at least got into the out-takes. Trust me, it's a devastating insult.

You foreskin-snugglers.
posted by Ghidorah at 6:57 AM on November 17, 2010

This right here is why I love all you scum-sucking, needle-dicked and/or furry-coved doofwaddles. This is one of the best MeTa threads of all time. Of. All. Time. people. I will gave thanks for this thread next Thursday.
posted by theora55 at 7:00 AM on November 17, 2010

I have my holiday list of wished-for sockpuppet accounts now.

Also, donating to foodbanks (Oregon Food Bank has one of those awesome title dropdown menus; considering a donation in the name of Ambassador Duckbutter [REALNAME]).
posted by catlet at 7:51 AM on November 17, 2010

The two of you are fantastic. The wife claimed there were too many "uh"s, but, frankly, I didn't notice between all the awesomeness.
posted by owtytrof at 7:55 AM on November 17, 2010

Anyone got Oliver Sacks's number?

Blue.
posted by bondcliff at 7:58 AM on November 17, 2010 [11 favorites]

I, uh, "uh" a lot. I trimmed out what I could from the takes I used, though I did intentionally stick some blatant standalone uhs in for silliness' sake.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:06 AM on November 17, 2010

This is one of those times I'm both really happy and really sad that I can't easily watch videos at work. Sad because I really want to see this, happy because I'm tired of my coworkers thinking I'm a loon when I sit, hands clamped over my face, trying to repress the uncontrollable giggles that this sort of thing is bound to evoke.
posted by quin at 8:12 AM on November 17, 2010

I, uh, "uh" a lot. I trimmed out what I could from the takes I used, though I did intentionally stick some blatant standalone uhs in for silliness' sake.

You have good comedic timing. It was funny. I've seen videos of Jessamyn being goofy, but she's the past. You're new! Fresh! Exciting! You're gonna go far kid, I can feel it!
posted by nomadicink at 8:36 AM on November 17, 2010

Man, you just wait until jessamyn's comeback video; she'll prove to the world that she's just as relevant as ever. I hear she's doing things with light-bulb jokes that totally re-explore the genre, and will have the whole internet audience eating their own hands in awe.
posted by not_on_display at 10:22 AM on November 17, 2010

This is one of those times I'm both really happy and really sad that I can't easily watch videos at work. Sad because I really want to see this, happy because I'm tired of my coworkers thinking I'm a loon when I sit, hands clamped over my face, trying to repress the uncontrollable giggles that this sort of thing is bound to evoke.

QFT.
posted by widdershins at 10:39 AM on November 17, 2010

Whatever, cortex is so awesome he'll have folks eating other people's hands from the sheer wizardry of his subtle, yet groundbreaking exploration of the intermingling of banjo's and Minecraft.
posted by nomadicink at 10:42 AM on November 17, 2010

Douche truck FTW! Douche farmer wins miss congeniality.
posted by Askr at 11:37 AM on November 17, 2010

Awesome, you shitmittens. You gave, so I gave.
posted by tizzie at 11:49 AM on November 17, 2010

Donating :10bux: to the food bank was well worth getting early access to Jessamyn's unedited source video. I've been giggling about it for a couple of days now.
posted by mrbill at 1:26 PM on November 17, 2010

I decided to come clean with the food bank.

My email:

You guys are my local charity this year. Someone on the internet asked if I would do a dramatic [and to them, amusing] reading of a web page full of insults [nominally funny nicknames you have for your friends that are sort of nicknames and sort of insults] and they'd make a donation to my favorite charity. I did the reading and recorded it and then a lot of other people decided to make donations as well, as thanks.

So don't know if you were curious where a lot of the recent non-local donations came from, but figured I'd let you know.

The video is here. It's probably only amusing if you know the whole backstory and it's FULL of swearing, terrible swearing, but hey whatever works sometimes, huh?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfwLVNoMy54

So, my name is Jessamyn and I live in Randolph. Thanks for all that you do.

J

Their reply:

Well yes... I had sort of wondered! When I started getting donations from Australia I knew something was up! Figured that PayPal had just messed up and that all this cash was supposed to be going to someone else.

Anyway, thanks! Your efforts have brought in close to $200 so far! Very much appreciated.

Stuart Edson
(for the Randolph Area Food Shelf)

posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:49 PM on November 17, 2010 [33 favorites]

The internet is the best thing.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:53 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

HURF DURF INSULT READERS
posted by chairface at 1:57 PM on November 17, 2010

So, I'm reading Stephen Ambrose's biography of Nixon, and was kind of surprised last night to see this line about Pat Nixon: "At age fifty-six, she was still the woman who had told jessamyn West a decade earlier that she never got tired, hungry, or sick." (volume 2, p 152).

Now, after watching this video, I'm assuming that Pat Nixon was called a clownfucker at some point during that discussion.
posted by COBRA! at 2:03 PM on November 17, 2010

Fun fact, the other Jessamyn West was a first cousin to Richard Nixon.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:07 PM on November 17, 2010

...but what was her stance on choads, and the huffing of them?
posted by COBRA! at 2:12 PM on November 17, 2010

Ooh! I'm going to the Nixon Library for a wedding reception this weekend. I will look for Jessamyn West ephemera while my boyfriend devours as much political history as he can.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:14 PM on November 17, 2010

Are you bringing a cloth coat and a puppy as wedding presents?

I mean seriously, who wants their wedding associated in any way with Nixon?
posted by FelliniBlank at 2:19 PM on November 17, 2010

The use of the ligature in "metafilter.com" at the end makes it. Can't wait to get home and show this to the other member of my household, who as a direct result of this thread now uses "assbutt" as a term of endearment.
posted by clavicle at 2:24 PM on November 17, 2010

How did I miss this?

Ham sniffer is the best. I'm not even sure why, but it is.
posted by JoanArkham at 2:53 PM on November 17, 2010

Eh, FelliniBlank, from what I understand it's a commonly used event space in the area. The couple aren't terribly political. I'm getting them a fire extinguisher, for the record. It's my standard wedding gift: no one else gives it, and when it's useful, it's really useful.
posted by ocherdraco at 3:01 PM on November 17, 2010 [6 favorites]

from what I understand it's a commonly used event space in the area

I figured as much, and I'm sure there are lovely grounds and facilities and all. But yeesh, it's sort of like having your kid's birthday party at the Dick Cheney Family Fun Center and Rifle Range.
posted by FelliniBlank at 3:24 PM on November 17, 2010

I'm getting them a fire extinguisher, for the record. It's my standard wedding gift

Oh man, it's now going to be mine too. What a great idea.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:21 PM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]

I had a totally shitty day and this totally got me to finally crack a smile. Thanks.
posted by desuetude at 5:25 PM on November 17, 2010

Jessamyn, I recommend Kidde extinguishers. For couples you're close to, you can get both a kitchen extinguisher and an all-purpose extinguisher for just over $50 on Amazon, and for those for whom a smaller gift is appropriate, you can get just the kitchen one for about $25.

And I can't claim credit for the idea; it was the customary gift of my college mentor, Alan Symonds, who died a few weeks after I graduated. It's one of the ways I keep his memory around.
posted by ocherdraco at 5:30 PM on November 17, 2010 [7 favorites]

There was no sane way to get all of the insults into a video—between our two raw material recordings there was like 14 minutes of material...

Dude! Use Vimeo

YouTube limit is 15 minutes, not 10. 14 minutes will work just fine.

Also, pistols at dawn please.
posted by wildcrdj at 7:13 PM on November 17, 2010

BTW, I love this :)

And maybe I should figure out a way to highlight this, I feel our commenters could benefit from such a wide variety of terms. MeFi users are clearly superior to YouTubers at insults.
posted by wildcrdj at 7:17 PM on November 17, 2010

I watched this like eight times today, rewinding frequently. I just made my wife watch it on the laptop in bed. After about a minute and a half, she rolled back to her side of the bed and said, "It's funny... but... this is why you like MetaFilter." And went back to reading her Kindle.
posted by nickmark at 7:40 PM on November 17, 2010 [4 favorites]

To be fair, toddlers are superior to YouTube commentors at insults.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:00 PM on November 17, 2010

Donation Details
Confirmation number: OMG.666
Donation amount: $xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx USD
Total: $xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx USD
Purpose: Randolph Area Food Shelf
Contributor:
Message: In honour of Jessamyn West, infamous butt-snuggler.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 10:57 PM on November 17, 2010

that was so worth a donation!
posted by Wilder at 2:34 AM on November 18, 2010

I really wish the food bank guy had just replied "thanks, shitmitten."
posted by dirtdirt at 6:20 AM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

Jessamyn, I recommend Kidde extinguishers.

I read this as "kiddie extinguishers" the first time through, and had visions of some fluorescent orange and yellow plastic Fisher-Price toy fire extinguisher that blows soap bubbles when you press the lever on top. And I thought, wow, a pretend fire extinguisher, there's a tragedy waiting to happen.
posted by FishBike at 7:26 AM on November 18, 2010

I saw "kiddie extinguishers" too, but had a different vision. A glorious, blessed, Utopian vision.
posted by Gator at 7:30 AM on November 18, 2010

Love how jessamyn quotes almost everything with distaste until she gets to "fuckbutton."
Fuckbutton! So perfect, it's practically an endearment.

I was so amused by that bit that I had to go and give my $20 to the food bank. And I'm totally using "fuckbutton" as an endearment the next time I see my girlfriend. I'll report back. If I'm able.
posted by lholladay at 1:29 PM on November 18, 2010

Fuckbutton is an actual slang term for clitoris, by the way.

And The Fuck Buttons are a band.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:35 PM on November 18, 2010

So, cortex, any chance of posting your own outtakes?

*innocent look*
posted by Pronoiac at 6:40 PM on November 18, 2010

This makes me think that "Burt Puzzle" might not actually be the best name for the sleuth in my childrens' mystery novels.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:50 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

1970's "BIG BURT PUZZLE " BURT REYNOLDS NAKED BUTT PUZZLE made by GEMINI PUZZLES FOR PLEASURE [ebay]
posted by Wolfdog at 11:04 AM on November 19, 2010

And I'm totally using "fuckbutton" as an endearment the next time I see my girlfriend. I'll report back. If I'm able.

Hello? lholladay? Anybody?
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 4:25 PM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

Just got to this - priceless!

I swear for a brief minute, cortex reminded me of Carlin doing his riff on this similar subject. But just for a minute.

It's nice to see the faces/hear the voices behind the names.

Thanks!
posted by sundrop at 7:52 AM on November 20, 2010

The video(s) and this thread have me laughing to the point of tears. It was the "Hellraiser vs goatse" that really pushed me over the edge.
posted by rmd1023 at 9:25 AM on November 20, 2010

"Fun House" was what got me. It's the visual, I suppose. I'll be using this one a lot over Thanksgiving.
posted by Kloryne at 2:15 PM on November 20, 2010

Had to come back to the well of swears; yesterday I acquired TWO computer viruses and my scooter broke down. After "FUCKITY MITTEN! SHITMUNCHING COKWEASELS!" I realized I wasn't even halfway through Fixing It and I was going to need LOTS more profanity in order to power through.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:11 PM on November 20, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oooh. "Fuckity" is tragically underused.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:31 PM on November 20, 2010