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This is how I tell it, ohhhhhhhhhh but it's long
May 16, 2012 9:35 PM   Subscribe

It’s with almost unbearable sadness and a heavy heart that I am writing to let you know that my husband, Metafilter member holdkris99 took his own life on the May 12th.

(I sat down earlier today to write this post and now, some 7 or 8 hours later, I think I have to stop wrestling with it and just post it. After rereading I realize this post has grown much longer and detailed than I originally intended. I have not been, until now, a Metafilter user and didn’t really know the protocol for doing a post like this and I want to thank Jessamyn for helping me get to this point and for waving the one week waiting period. What I do know is that Marc loved Metafilter).

Many late nights or early mornings I would wake up and walk back to the office and find Marc staring at the “blue” or the “green” as he assured me they were called. To be honest, there were times when I was a little jealous, in a loving way. I often teasingly referred to it as MistressFilter. What I always found strange about him participating in discussions or answering (and asking) questions is that he really distrusted most social media, well not distrusted, he just didn’t see the point of it all. But, he told me y’all were different. That the people participated in the discussions were smart and empathetic and that he learned a lot about things he never knew he could be interested in and that y’all gave good advice when he asked questions.

Because we both worked for ourselves, he as a bookseller and me working as an independent spice saleswoman we were able to set our work schedules, for the most part, so that we had a couple of hours every morning to do our favorite thing in the world: sit together and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and just talk about…well, everything. Invariably four or five days a week he would tell me something that really had struck his interest and every time it was something from Metafilter. Every time. He would always try to encourage me to try to get into the site. But I just never did. It was his thing and I liked listening to him talk about it. He had his favorite users that he brought up a few times over the last couple of years, and I am sorry if I get the names wrong: gregnog, darlingbri, whelk (he was envious of whelk actually, he told me whelk new something about almost any post that came up) and some others, but his favorite was scody. He always said scody gave the best advice in the AskMe’s. It even became kind of a little joke between us “What Would Scody Say.” Anytime we were talking about some problem we were having with our family or friends or we were making some important decision about almost anything really, one of us would always ask “What would scody say?” He liked posting questions and liked to use some song lyric as his post title. That kind of became a game too. He would tell me the question he posted and I would try to guess the song lyric he used, but I was never right.

He always told me I should go on the site and read what he said in different posts or all the answers to a question he asked, but I always said “just give me the highlights” or something like that and never delved into all of his activity, really until today as I was trying to piece together his last couple of days. I read through his comments and questions and looked at the stuff he had marked as favorites (I never knew that "Robots ain't shit" was from metafilter, he said that all the time). What struck me first was how intertwined his metafilter life was with our life together. He joined about 6 months before we met and almost his entire life, things that I am stunned he ever talked (or wrote) about in such a public forum because he was such a private person, pop up at one point or another in his comments. Marc struggled for years with meth addiction, well we both did. We met in Rehab actually, 13th Stepping. One of the first questions he asked was seeking help somewhere in Dallas for meth addiction and he made a few comments over the years, both during and after we finally kicked two years ago about his addiction. He was never ashamed of his addiction, never hid from it or tried to downplay just how much of a grip meth had on him. Even though we have been clean more than two years, he still had his bad days, like any addict, where he had bad cravings, but we were always able to support each other and work through it.

Marc and one of his four sisters were abused, sexually by his uncle directly and by his “real mom,” as he always called her in different ways. She was a life long addict herself who was in and out of prison for most of his life, beginning when he was 4 or 5 when she was arrested for child endangerment for trying to “sell” is the word he always used, him and his older sister for $50. I don’t know the details really and he doesn’t remember it, he has just been told about it by family. I know that just the knowledge of it affected him deeply throughout his life. He would mask his pain by making jokes. Whenever something we were looking to buy cost around $50 he would always say something like “well we can get this blender or we can get two kids” and he would laugh but I know it hurt him. He would never, ever have a fifty dollar bill and would always tell the teller at the bank if she was cashing a check that he didn’t care about the denomination, but “no fifties please.” Still despite all of the hurt she caused him, he was always trying to contact her through his teens and 20’s before I met him, because he wanted to know her or he wanted some closure or he wanted to cuss her out or something. I think he wanted her to love him, like any kid, but he would never say it. She died shortly after we met of complications due to AIDS. She had been homeless for a few years, or in and out of shelters and jails. When she died she had a backpack with her as her only possessions. The backpack was full of baby pictures of him and his sister, a mothers day card that he had made her when he 3 or 4, his socks he came home from the hospital in and a bunch of different letters she had written him over the years but that she never sent. He looked through it all one time. He didn’t cry or show any emotion really, he was very stoic about it all. All he ever said was “all these years, in and out of prison and god knows what else, she held onto this stuff.” He went into a terrible depression that lasted weeks. Eventually he went to WalMart and bought a little portable safe and put it all in it and, as far as I know, never looked at any of it again the last 5 years of his life. The safe is in our closet, but I don’t know what he did with the key and I don’t know what I would do with it if I had the key or what I am going to do with now. Besides one passing comment he never mentioned her on MetaFilter. I wish he had, no doubt y'all could have helped him with it.

Besides that one incident, and granted it was a big one, he was not really prone to depression except for the three years we were using together and he felt the guilt and shame about neglecting his son, who is 13 now. Over the last two years he has really rebuilt his relationship with his son. I have never seen him happier than when it’s his weekend to have him. He also within the past couple of years found out that he had a 14 year old daughter, and though it was going slow, he had been building a relationship with her as well.

He had a very strained, to say the least, relationship with his dad and step-mom. He told the story in a Green Bay Packer thread about his dad. He was close with his dad but his step-mom is one of these people that just could not get along with anyone, would constantly try to start fights with him, belittle him about his drug use well after he got clean and tried to sabotage our wedding. The day he went to buy the Packer share with his Dad and our wedding is the only times he has seen them in almost two years. We went to see them after we got clean and he got out of jail but she was so dismissive of him and his recovery and showed nothing but distaste for me and he finally decided he was through with them. He has four sisters. Three of them live either next door or across the street from his parents and are solidly under his mom’s influence. They told him repeatedly that they didn’t want a drug addict around their kids (his nieces and nephews) which I understand when someone is using you don’t want them around kids, but even after he had been clean for over a year they would still constantly call or text him and just be extremely mean and degrading, usually parroting things his step mom said. He never stole from them during his addiction, never asked to borrow money, never called them to bail him out of jail, never made excuses or laid blame on them for his addiction, he always blamed himself. Its hard for me to understand them treating him they way they did, but only because my family were the exact opposite with me. His sister recently came out and the entire family but Marc just completely disowned her. She was his “baby sister.” She is the only person from his family that will talk to me. My god I’m rambling. I am so sorry.

I didn’t want to do this post just to tell you about his suicide, but also to thank you for helping us. You helped plan our wedding playlist, , our honeymoon to Chicago, helped us figure out how to deal with his step mom at the wedding, gave us the words plonks and foonsockled, helped him give his son the opportunity to say goodbye to his dying grandmother, helped him decide what to read or what to listen to, helped us plan a get together with friends and helped him cope with his rightful actions that he (incorrectly) believed led to a young womans murder. That had been weighing on him significantly these past few months.

Marc was a good person with a big heart. He was extremely introverted and suffered from near debilitating social anxiety. Once we sent into a sandwich shop called Which Wich where instead of telling the person your order you have to feel out this slip of paper. We got in line and the place was busy and we didn’t know we were supposed to have filled out these order forms and when we got to the front of the line and he started giving his order and the guy said “just fill out the slip” and pointed to this row of checklists that you are supposed to choose from and he just lost it. He started having a severe panic attack, couldn’t breathe, started crying, just lost it. And I laughed at him. It’s the biggest regret of my life. It was early in our relationship and I didn’t really understand anything about how bad his anxiety was. God how I regret that.

He didn’t have (or want) many friends. We have four good friends. They all loved him like an older brother. He was 10 years older than me. In a lot of ways I loved him like an older brother too. He always looked out for me and I felt safe with him. He protected me. When things were going bad for one reason or another he would always hold me and tell me everything would be ok and then he would find a way to make it true. When I would tell our friends that they always told me that that’s old fashioned and that “this is the 21st century dammit, you are a strong woman you can protect yourself!” Maybe so, but I also know that he made them feel that way too. One of them told me today that what they will miss the most about him are his hugs, that whenever he would hug them and kiss them on the top of the head, which was kind of his little thing that he would do because he was so tall, that they would always feel better afterwards.

Marc was extremely smart. He had a BA and an MA in American History. He was also really quick witted and the funniest person I have ever known. But he grew up in a very unstable environment with his step-mom always ridiculing him and putting him down so his wit could cut both ways. He could be brutally honest. I have seen him cut right to the core of someone with just a sentence or two. He could be an asshole I guess. He never was to me, but he had that built in defense mechanism that could make him just vicious.

Marc loved music. Going to concerts was our thing. We went all over the country to different concerts, once rode a grayhound from Dallas to Delaware to see Wilco and rode one to see Bright Eyes at the Hollywood bowl. We probably went to a hundred concerts in our five years together. He agreed with the John Cusack character in High Fidelty that its what you like that matters, not what you are like. He liked Wilco and Spoon and he loved the Beatles and Elliott Smith and the Beastie Boys. He loved The Office and The Wire (especially Bubbles and DuQuan) and The Sopranos. He loved David Foster Wallace and Don Delillo. His Favorite movies were You Can Count On Me, LA Confidential and Kes. God we must have watched those movies a dozen times in the last 5 years. I know, I know. He liked things that everyone agrees are great. Nothing groundbreaking in his taste in Pop Culture stuff. But he would be embarrassed for me to tell you that he also loved Kelly Clarkson and true crime books and American Idol and that he saw Love Actually more times than Star Wars. I don’t know where I am going here. Trying to avoid the painful stuff about his last days but I am getting there. I am so sorry this is so long.

His great grandmother, who is 97 going on 70, always says that life is what you leave. This is what he left: his pile of books to read next that he kept by the toilet, which was his favorite place to read, (he would go into the bathroom and emerge two hours later unable to walk because his legs had fallen asleep from sitting on the toilet reading), this comic strip series he drew for me in jail called If We Were Boxes (he said he tried to draw people at first but couldn’t so he just made us into boxes), a cache of letters and cards he wrote and handmade books and journals made for me over the years, his baby sister who idolized him and looked to him for protection from the rest of his family, two beautiful teenagers and me.

On May 11th I left for the weekend to go visit our friends and my mom for mothers day. Even though they only live about 40 miles away, I decided to stay the entire weekend at my parents to spend time with my mom. Marc and my dad were like best friends. They were always debating politics and religion. A few months ago my dads faith was shaken after a series of conversations with Marc about god and science and religion. Things have been on shaky ground with Marc and my mom since then so he decided to stay home for the weekend. He went to the store and bought a bunch of stuff to grill while I was gone and everything seemed fine. He had accidentally? Or purposefully? Left his cell phone in my car so he didn’t have his phone and we don’t have a home phone so I had to email him Friday night to check in on him. He emailed back and said he was little upset that he had overcooked his steak, which looking back seems weird because he was a perfectionist at the grill. I’ve been told that’s normal to be looking back and thinking I should have caught this or that or applying meaning to things where there probably is none. We always had a little game where I would ask him what he was listening to because I could usually tell his mood by what he was playing. If it was Automatic for the People or post-Revolver Beatles or Elliott Smith I would have known he was feeling down. If it was Titus Andronicus or Fucked Up I would know that he was angry or agitated. I emailed him back to say that I was going out with my friends and asked him what he was listening to. But he said he was listening to Husker Du, which he hasn’t really listened too much in the past couple of years, so I didn’t really think anything was amiss, had no reason to really. His last email to me said “Have fun myKim, tell everyone I said hi, see you Sunday. Leprechaun, Leprechaun.” (That’s how we said I Love You. From those viral videos where people thought they saw a Leprechaun in a tree. At our wedding we wrote our own vows and besides pulling out a picture of Ron Swanson and showing it to me and giving a room commanding comedic performance that no one could believe he did because of his shyness and social phobia, he also said a line from that video in sign language “I’m gonna get me a backhoe and uproot that tree, I want to know where the gold at.”) As far as I know our emails that night was the last communication he had with anyone. It was at about 10:30pm Friday night. He had plans for a buddy to meet him at the house Saturday morning to go play disc golf. Our friend got there at about 10am and when he pulled up he didn’t see Marcs car so he got out to wait on him to come back, thinking he had ran to the store or something. But as he got out of the car he heard a car running inside the garage. He said he didn’t put two and two together and he just opened the garage because he knew the four digit code to our garage door key pad. As the door was raising he smelled the fumes and he knew. He had the CD player on loud with this Wilco song on repeat. That’s where I got the title for this post, in honor of Marc and his song lyric post titles. He called 911 and got him out of the car but it was too late, the coroner said he had been dead for a few hours when he found him.

As I started piecing everything together I didn’t think he intended to kill himself when I left that Friday morning. After all, he told me he had posted a grilling question the day before on AskMe and specifically said my wife will be gone for the weekend and I want something complicated to grill, but he also said that he found the prep and cooking to be cathartic, so maybe something was already bothering him? But he also ordered two books from Amazon Friday afternoon. He emailed my dad early Friday evening to schedule a round of golf with him the next week. He didn’t call his son and say anything, didn’t call anyone or email anyone else outside of a few customers who had questions about books. We looked frantically though the house and did not find a note. In my mind I was thinking someone must have done this to make it look like a suicide. I had convinced myself of that, until the mail came yesterday. As soon as I saw the envelope I knew what it was. He used to always get me these cards that have a spiritual or motivational saying in them and mail them to me. They are immediately recognizable because they are square instead of rectangular. He bought a ton of them a few years ago and had been mailing them to me just out of the blue every two or three months or so since then. I always loved getting them. This one had a Walt Whitman quote: You are so much sunshine to the square inch!

It said, in part: I always said I would kill myself before I ever call Bruce again. It was just a matter of time before I did. I could feel it everyday getting closer and closer and I know if I did it would kill me eventually. “All my lies are always wishes, I know I would die if I could come back new.” Leprechaun, Leprechaun.

Calling Bruce was our code for getting some meth and the quote is from one of his favorite wilco songs. That was all the note said. As I went back through all of his stuff and searched his internet history and stuff I noticed that he had been on Metafilter some on his last day. One of his last comments was in a post about Husker Du. It said “Well, my wife, whom I love dearly, told me not too long ago that Bob Mould was hot. Does that count?” But, I didn’t know who Bob Mould was (I do now) and I never said he was hot. I like to think he was just leaving a little not to me there, saying that he loved me. I know that’s what he was doing.

But the last thing he did online in his life was make a post on Metafilter of Willie Nelson covering one of our favorite songs, Just Breathe by pearl jam. He titled the post with lyrics from the song “Under everything, just another human being, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me bleed” (Ironically, I guess, he apparently worded the post in a way that made people think he was doing a Willie Nelson Obit post and that Willie Nelson had died. He emailed Metafilter asking for the wording to be changed and got an email from Matt at 9:56 confirming that he would change the wording) and his last comment told a story about our wedding that I did not know, but that he wanted me to know. To me this is his suicide note, not the card he sent me:

Well I guess its good that I didn't lead with the last line of the song "Hold me til I die Meet you on the other side..." Sorry about that symbiod. We played this song (the original) at our wedding a few months ago, just in the background in a mix of other songs, but when it came on I just watched my wife as she moved around the room oblivious to my stares. And man it was the only time that I got real emotional at the wedding. She kind of razzed me a little because I never "teared-up" despite it being a pretty emotional ceremony for a lot of reasons. But I did tear up some with the song on as she moved so gracefully through the room. Luckily this Willie version wasn't out at the time or I may have completely lost it and my cover would be blown. Anyway, I will get out of my thread now.

Oh that haunts me. Because I did “razz” him as he says because he stayed so even keel during the ceremony after the drama with his mom and everything. I think it was just him protecting me again, staying calm so that I could freak out. But, that story he told in that comment, that is him to a tee. He was always so sweet and loving to me. I can imagine him sitting there watching me and getting some tears in his eyes. That’s him.

Marc didn’t believe in god or any kind of afterlife and I don’t either. When he would talk to people about god or heaven or the after life he would always quote Roger Ebert who said something like “I didn’t have any problems before I was born, I don’t think I will have any problems after I die.”

God I hope he’s right.

.
posted by mrs holdkris99 to MetaFilter-Related at 9:35 PM (682 comments total) 167 users marked this as a favorite

I couldn’t work this into the post in a way that made any sense but I wanted to share Marc’s favorite story with y’all. Like everyone I guess, Marc would tell the same stories time and again to people we met or sometimes, just to get on my nerves a little. I have probably heard him tell that MCA/Beastie Boys story two dozen times. Sometimes we would be sitting there and he would say “Hey, have I told you abouty the time I met MCA?” and he would tell it all again. But his favorite story was about his first day in High School Physics. He would tell it the same every time:

“Ok so it was my first day in Physics in 10th grade and Mr Lewison talked for about 30 minutes about what physics means and f=ma and all that bullshit and then he said ‘OK, all that being said, I want to ask a question and give each one of you a chance to answer and if you get it right, you will get a 100 on your first test. The question is: What’s the first thing you do when you fry an egg?’ So everyone thought for a second and the first dude raised his hand and said “Crack the egg?” “No” Then the next guy “Turn on the burner” “No” And then everyone kept trying to reach further and further back in the process that would end with frying an egg. Buying the eggs, raising the chicken, and on and on back to man controlling fire, which was my guess, and then back further to Adam and Eve and God creating the universe – this was a small country town, we didn’t know about evolution. So anyway finally, after everyone had given an answer Mr Lewison said, “No, no, no. First you have to cook the bacon.”
posted by mrs holdkris99 at 9:35 PM on May 16, 2012 [59 favorites]


I am so sorry. So sorry.
posted by iconomy at 9:40 PM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh my goodness. So very sorry for your loss. And ours. Holding you close in my heart....
posted by Lynsey at 9:40 PM on May 16, 2012


Oh, this is horrible. For some reason I had clicked on his username a few days ago and marveled at the amazing contributions he brought to this community.

My favorite holdkris99 story is this one, which is about your wedding.

He seemed like such an amazing person; if there is anything the Metafilter community can do to assist you during this time, please do not hesitate to ask. This is a terrible loss and I wish you peace.
posted by lalex at 9:42 PM on May 16, 2012 [2 favorites]


p.s. he was right about scody
posted by lalex at 9:45 PM on May 16, 2012 [21 favorites]


I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband was a vibrant and loved member of this site. His contributions helped make this community thrive and his answers in AskMe helped many different people with a huge variety of problems, ranging from how to cook something to the thorniest of human relationship issues.

We were lucky to have his presence here, and I would like to thank you for sharing this news, and the story of your own lives and love with us; I feel honoured and grateful you have chosen to do so.
posted by smoke at 9:50 PM on May 16, 2012 [6 favorites]


Oh, I'm so sorry. What a wonderful remembrance.
posted by lukemeister at 9:51 PM on May 16, 2012


I am in shock. I had lately come to particularly appreciate your husband's contributions to MetaFilter, and looked for his name.

I am so sad.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:52 PM on May 16, 2012


I don't know what to say, other than I am so, so sorry for your loss.

holdkris99 was a valued part of this place. Thank you for your words, and for giving us the chance to try and make sense of this.

As lalex says, if there is anything we can do - please let us know.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:55 PM on May 16, 2012


Oh, honey. I am so sorry. It feels like too little too late but if you need to reach out to someone, I'm here, we're all here.

I am so so sorry for your loss.

.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:57 PM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am so sorry. I always perked up when I saw that he'd left a comment. His writing was so poignant and smart and funny. This loss hurts. Please let us know if there's anything we can do.
posted by rhythm and booze at 9:58 PM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


My deepest sympathies to you and your family. Thank you for sharing these remarkable stories.
posted by peripathetic at 10:02 PM on May 16, 2012


Gah. I'm so very sorry.
posted by lazaruslong at 10:03 PM on May 16, 2012


I am so sorry, and I am so glad your post was not a single word shorter.
posted by redfoxtail at 10:04 PM on May 16, 2012 [55 favorites]


So sorry for your loss. His voice was memorable, and will be missed.
posted by immlass at 10:05 PM on May 16, 2012


So so sorry for your loss.
posted by eyeballkid at 10:06 PM on May 16, 2012


So very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it was to write all that, but thank you for doing it.

.
posted by dg at 10:07 PM on May 16, 2012


Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry.
posted by dotgirl at 10:09 PM on May 16, 2012


Even though I'm fairly new here myself, I recognized him immediately and knew and respected him. His meeting MCA story was a thing of beauty. Thank you for having the strength and grace to give us this gift, to come here and tell us this story, to let us know.

I'm so very sorry.
posted by Occula at 10:09 PM on May 16, 2012


I'm so sorry. This is so sad. He'll be missed by a great many people.
posted by h00py at 10:10 PM on May 16, 2012


I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by asuprenant at 10:11 PM on May 16, 2012


I'm really sorry. You couldn't have known. Take care of yourself.

.
posted by vegartanipla at 10:14 PM on May 16, 2012


Oh, no. I am so absolutely sorry for your loss. I didn't know holdkris99's name off the top of my head, but I remember every single one of those posts and comments you linked and somehow I just never connected them all together. He was an amazing mefite, and that can only be a reflection of what an amazing person he must have been in general.

Thank you for taking the time to create such an incredible post. You never once rambled, and every one of your stories is vibrant and beautiful. Thank you for sharing them with us.

Please take care of yourself. I am so, so sorry, and I want to send you every good and kind feeling in my heart right now to help carry you through.
posted by lilac girl at 10:16 PM on May 16, 2012 [15 favorites]


Your post is amazing and beautiful; he must have been amazing and beautiful too, to inspire it. I am so, so sorry for your loss and for his troubles. It sounds like you gave each other a lot of happiness; I hope, once you get through the pain of his loss, that you will be able to feel that happiness again.

I wish I could give you a big hug. I will light a candle for both of you tonight.
posted by OolooKitty at 10:16 PM on May 16, 2012 [6 favorites]


I read this whole post in shock and horror, but when I got to the MCA link and saw that it was him who had written the comment about the Lionel Ritchie tape, I burst into tears.

I am so sorry. You will be in my thoughts.
posted by KathrynT at 10:20 PM on May 16, 2012 [8 favorites]


I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for taking the time to come here and share these stories with us.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:24 PM on May 16, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking time to write that beautiful post. My wife is going to wonder why I'm crying and she feels the same way about MetaFilter that you do.

Please know that there are literally thousands of people here who have you in their hearts.
posted by The World Famous at 10:26 PM on May 16, 2012 [55 favorites]


Oh, I am so very sorry for your loss.
posted by gingerbeer at 10:26 PM on May 16, 2012


Please know that there are literally thousands of people here who have you in their hearts.
posted by inigo2 at 10:27 PM on May 16, 2012 [26 favorites]


Wow. Sorry.
posted by darth_tedious at 10:30 PM on May 16, 2012


So sorry for your loss.

And ours too. Like lilac girl, I know a lot of those comments and posts, but had never connected a single username to them all.

A few months ago my dads faith was shaken after a series of conversations with Marc about god and science and religion.

I read that, and I knew that he had asked a question about that.

I need to take a walk now.
posted by vidur at 10:31 PM on May 16, 2012 [3 favorites]


How terrible, I am so sorry, I will miss him here, I really will. Your post is a perfect, evocative, Metafilter-esque eulogy, Thank you so much for the time you took to write it, and for your honesty and sincerity.
posted by thinkpiece at 10:31 PM on May 16, 2012 [4 favorites]


My heart goes out to you, thank you for this post and taking the time to share about your husband. His contributions and yours are what make this community so wonderful. Thank you.
posted by hooray at 10:33 PM on May 16, 2012


I am so sorry. I have no useful words.
posted by Joh at 10:33 PM on May 16, 2012


I am so sorry. Your stories here are so beautiful. I am crying and trying to muffle it so my husband won't come in from the other room and say "What's wrong?!?" (which, ironically, happened most recently when I read your husband's MCA story... finally I had to sob "METAFILTER!" and then "Can't a lady cry because Adam Yauch is dead?!?")

I just want to tell you, I am so sorry that his early life was so hard. I read what you write here and I am dumbstruck by how- I don't know, I just feel like existing, being human, having a body and a heart that can be broken, it's all so damn hard even if you have parents who have enough life skills to be good at loving you. So when I read what you have shared here, it seems to me like your husband must have been exceptionally tough and exceptionally sweet to be able to get to the places he was able to get, to get clean and to love you and be building good relationships with his kids.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I wish for you to find what peace you can.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 10:35 PM on May 16, 2012 [30 favorites]


Oh, gods, my heart goes out to you, I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

Please, please reach out to any of us individually or collectively to help you endure and keep going and keep moving forward. (We're an opinionated and argumentative bunch, but all that shit goes out the window when it comes down to it.)
posted by desuetude at 10:35 PM on May 16, 2012 [2 favorites]


I am so sorry for your loss and for ours . I felt like I was just getting to know him, especially after the Beastie Boys story.

.
posted by gt2 at 10:35 PM on May 16, 2012


I'm so sorry for you. This is just awful. Thank you for your post.
posted by Dasein at 10:35 PM on May 16, 2012


I'm so sorry mrs holdkris99. His name seemed really familiar and I searched my email and realized I emailed with him the day before (possibly just hours before) his death, when he asked me to edit his last Willie Nelson post which sounded like an obit until we trimmed the first sentence to make it a proper new album announcement. He sounds like an amazing person that went through a lot and I have fond memories of the things he posted here. He will be missed.
posted by mathowie (staff) at 10:36 PM on May 16, 2012 [7 favorites]


.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:37 PM on May 16, 2012


I am so sorry. I've read your husband's posts -- he was a good man.

My brother killed himself in March. This is a terrible land to wander through, the land of the survivor. Weird and scary and filled with sadness and anger.

Memail me if you wish -- I sometimes wonder if we should have a Metafilter support group for survivors, since there are so many of us.

Thinking of you.
posted by book 'em, danno at 10:37 PM on May 16, 2012 [9 favorites]


I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing this.
posted by synchronia at 10:38 PM on May 16, 2012


So sorry for your loss, please stick around.
posted by lee at 10:39 PM on May 16, 2012


Thank you for sharing a little bit more of him with us. I've really enjoyed his contributions here and am so sorry to hear this.
posted by vespertine at 10:40 PM on May 16, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing so beautifully your stories about your husband. I'm sorry I didn't get to know holdkris99 better while he was here, but thanks to your generosity he will be known and remembered by this community for a long, long time to come. We all wish no matter when or how we meet our end to be remembered so lovingly. Holding you closely in my thoughts and prayers.
posted by marsha56 at 10:42 PM on May 16, 2012 [2 favorites]


Sorry for your loss.

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posted by Coaticass at 10:45 PM on May 16, 2012


This was a beautiful post. I too remembered all of his questions, though I hadn't linked them together as one person. Thank you for sharing this with us. We would love to have you as a continuing part of our community, if you want to stay, or even just pop in every once in a while. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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posted by brainmouse at 10:48 PM on May 16, 2012 [3 favorites]


I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I would say "may his memory be a blessing to you," but it is you who have blessed us with the memories you have shared. You and he and everyone who loved him will be in my thoughts.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:49 PM on May 16, 2012 [12 favorites]


I am so very sorry for your loss. He will be missed.
posted by ambrosia at 10:49 PM on May 16, 2012


I remember some of his posts fondly as well, that it seemed he was changing and growing, and so often people in the family got hung up on that. I'm so sorry he found his way to this choice. I can well understand the pain that leads there.
posted by Listener at 10:50 PM on May 16, 2012


I am so sorry. I drew comfort from writing my father's obituary, and years later still find comfort in re-reading it. I hope you can do likewise with the amazing eulogy you shared here.

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posted by gingerest at 10:52 PM on May 16, 2012 [7 favorites]


Thank you for writing to us. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you will stay on the site if you like.
posted by michaelh at 10:52 PM on May 16, 2012


I feel so honored that you came here to share this with us, and I am so, so, so sorry for your loss, and for his lifelong pain. I send you hugs.

Also I'd like to reiterate: Please know that there are literally thousands of people here who have you in their hearts.

Please stick around if you'd like to.
posted by librarina at 10:52 PM on May 16, 2012 [9 favorites]


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posted by CrazyLemonade at 10:54 PM on May 16, 2012


I am sorry as well. And shocked. Like others, I looked through to see his history after seeing the MCA story. And I thought wow, what an amazing person. And I saw the posts about guilt and drugs and I thought man, we all have our great moments and we all have our struggles.

And then I made the connection that it was him that was in the most recent Trayvon Martin thread encouraging me and I was encouraging him, and it just helped me feel a little bit better about the world, that someone else had that active sort of anger that I often get in these situations as opposed to the sterile ivory tower gaze that comes with a sense of acceptance and the lack of desire to actually do something to change the world. I really appreciated the things he said in there.

It's an incredible time of loss for you, but know that I am one more person he touched and left a positive impression on.

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posted by cashman at 10:57 PM on May 16, 2012 [5 favorites]


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We are all here in the shadow of your loss. If you can find it in yourself to stay, I think that Metafilter might become a place of healing for you, and then a place of comfort and happiness.
posted by Night_owl at 10:59 PM on May 16, 2012 [5 favorites]


Sorry for your loss.
posted by Cranberry at 11:00 PM on May 16, 2012


Please know that there are literally thousands of people here who have you in their hearts.

I don't know how anyone is going to say it any better than that.

I am grateful to you for sharing such a tender remembrance with all of us, and I wanted you to know that Marc's influence here made my life better too. (I read the Packer share story, and when it brought me to tears thinking about the hard parts of my parents' lives and wishing I could do more for them, I picked up my phone and called my dad to tell him I loved him.)

I have you in my heart tonight.
posted by adiabat at 11:06 PM on May 16, 2012


I have also had suicide in my life. Never of somebody as close to me as he was to you, but, still, people who were close. I know that sometimes you can feel very alone in this.

We are a large community, and, although sometimes we seem fractious or argumentative, this is one of the kindest and most concerned group of people it has been my pleasure to be associated with. I usually would not speak for everybody, but I feel comfortable in saying that if you need to avail yourself on this community, which your husband was a much-appreciated member of, we are here for you.

Thank you for sharing the information about your husband as you did. I cannot imagine it was easy. I think it would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do. But your loving memories of him, and the care with which you took to tell of his passing, but also of his life, mean a lot. I hope that we can offer you some comfort, or, failing that, at least some company in this.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 11:07 PM on May 16, 2012 [16 favorites]


I'm so sorry.
posted by brujita at 11:12 PM on May 16, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss. Be well.
posted by asterix at 11:16 PM on May 16, 2012


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posted by mollymayhem at 11:21 PM on May 16, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss.

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posted by zennish at 11:25 PM on May 16, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss. It seems an inadequate thing to say, to me, but I am. The black dog bites hard, sometimes, and sometimes we never expect it because it comes out nowhere to grab us.

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posted by strixus at 11:28 PM on May 16, 2012


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Vale, holdkriss99. Thank you for being here, and may you now be at peace.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 11:37 PM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by Lesium at 11:40 PM on May 16, 2012


I am deeply grateful to you for the decision and the courage to write and post this and to share so much at such a difficult time. I'm grateful because I feel privileged to learn more about this exceptional man when otherwise he would have passed and I'd never even have known that he was gone. As others have said, he and you are in thousands of hearts today just because of your post.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 11:42 PM on May 16, 2012 [33 favorites]


So, so sorry to hear this. Thank you for writing... My thoughts are with you, I wish I could send some strength your way...
posted by DreamerFi at 11:46 PM on May 16, 2012


His story about his father and the Packers was among the most touching things I've ever read on Metafilter.
posted by BinGregory at 11:46 PM on May 16, 2012 [2 favorites]


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posted by MT at 11:55 PM on May 16, 2012


I'd like to join everyone else in saying how sorry I am for you and... if it means anything coming from a complete stranger... I think you've made a heck of a great impression/choice in posting here and I hope that you know alot of folks on the site respected and appreciated his input, myself included. I was especially moved by the candid sentiments he expressed in posts like the one here and comments like this one or his no-nonsense prose in this one.

But my fav was his addition to the guide for small bookstore owners:

...26. People will ask how to check out a book
27. Do NOT put the new age/metaphysics/magic section anywhere near the religion section, best if you don't have one at all....
*

From that and other readings of his posts and comments he seemed like a swell guy and you're in our thoughts.

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posted by RolandOfEld at 12:02 AM on May 17, 2012


Mrs holdkris99:

Heartfelt condolences on your loss. holdkris99 seems like a wonderful person; uplifting that you've shared such a thick bond, touched that you've shared memories here.

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posted by the cydonian at 12:02 AM on May 17, 2012


I loved so many of his stories. Marc, you will be missed here.

mrsholdkris, I am so sorry for your loss.
posted by mosessis at 12:06 AM on May 17, 2012


Wow. The username was familiar, but I couldn't place it. Then I got to his Packers tale, and I thought "That's him?". And his stepmom question, "That was him?!", and about his son and grandmother, "That was him!", and even recently, with Just Breathe: "That was him."

So I suppose that's all I can really say. 'That was him', in the corner of this internet community that I read often and rarely comment in, and he still made an impact on me, and many others.

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posted by CrystalDave at 12:08 AM on May 17, 2012 [9 favorites]


I've been staring at the screen through tears for I don't know how long now. All words are inadequate. All I can say is how sorry I am, and I hope you will believe me when I say there is so much more behind those words than I can possibly convey.

Marc's username was one that I was so happy to see whenever he popped up in a thread; it was always a pleasure to read his comments, which invariably conveyed such insight and wit and compassion and decency. I loved his Beastie Boys story, fiercely, and his Little Granny story, and his follow-up to your wedding story, and dozens of other comments and stories and anecdotes and one-liners he shared with us. I thought, more than once, that the man that shone through his words was someone I would have liked to have known in person. Your beautiful, loving post only confirms that hunch. Thank you so much for your generosity and courage in sharing more of who he was with us.

The pain Marc carried around must have been so immense -- and I'm struck by the fact that out of his pain he crafted a life of tenderness and sensitivity, of kindness and connection. It's so clear that he made the world richer for the years he was in it, as a husband and father and brother and friend. What a wonderful legacy. Thank you, again, for sharing this with us, and please know that you are a member of this community -- and that whatever comfort and help we can give you, we will.
posted by scody at 12:09 AM on May 17, 2012 [109 favorites]


He will be missed. I am so sorry for your loss.
posted by readery at 12:23 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for this unfathomable thing.

I had noticed him being much more active in the last six months or so - looking back through his posting history, I guess it's more like the last year. It's funny, he would mostly make very brief comments but then occasionally unleash an amazing longer story, and after a few of those he was definitely a name I knew. I was always impressed by how flat honest he was about his history with drugs, jail, abuse etc. It would be easy to turn away from those things and make an online persona that only has easy charm and no bad times; he didn't take that easy way.

Thank you for coming here to tell us what happened.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:32 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by XMLicious at 12:35 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Deoridhe at 12:37 AM on May 17, 2012


Mrs hooldriss99 My deepest condolences. If you ever need to talk, feel free to MeMail me. He sounds like a great guy (I also read books on the toilet till my legs fall asleep).

Was just near the Packers stadium this past November, visiting family in Wisconsin. Holdkriss99's grandfather sounds like a real dink, as we say here in Maine. That story is amazing. Been reading all your links and more, the bookstore stuff is priceless (I worked in a bookstore as one of my first jobs).

So sorry for your loss. I'm not a big believer in God myself, but hope he might be in the Summerland, waiting for you.

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posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 12:45 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm at a loss of telling you how much sorrow I have felt because of his passing. He seems to be remarkably similar to my own father. I don't really know how to tell another human being that I am sad because they have sadness and loss. Please accept that his sorrow and loss is felt by someone who never met him, and wishes that it could have ended better.
posted by Drumhellz at 12:49 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh mrs holdkris99. I am so sorry. This is so terrible. I wish I could hug you right now. Your post made me cry a lot. I really appreciated you making it here. It is so terrible, the life he was forced to have as a kid. It makes me want to stick my head out the window and scream curses. Poor, poor guy. I am so happy that he had you with him as his wife. Your husband was such a special guy, it was obvious. He was a champion storyteller. The MCA story is epic of course (and I hate using that word because I think it is so overused, but really no other word fits). And when he told the tale of his stepmom cutting your wedding cake and leaving her business card in its place in order to get revenge for him thwarting her pyramid schemes, I laughed so hard because of how he conveyed the absurd humor. Even though her behavior was shocking. I am so glad the two of you had that day together (despite the crazy stepmom). I hope you stick around if you need support. I wish things could have been different.
posted by cairdeas at 12:50 AM on May 17, 2012 [7 favorites]


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posted by Daddy-O at 12:55 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by hapax_legomenon at 12:57 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm sorry. That comment he last made was definitely was a note for you.
posted by BurnChao at 12:59 AM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I remember that grilling question because my partner of 25 years who may not live all that much longer herself was down in California to go with her sister to their mother's grave to lay flowers on it and the house was just as empty as it is in my nightmares and I thought "I know what you're really cooking up there, pal."

But I didn't.
posted by jamjam at 1:04 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm so sorry for your, and our, loss.

I do hope you'll remain part of the community here and that we can offer you some comfort and support.

I'm so sorry.

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posted by goshling at 1:05 AM on May 17, 2012


And thank you so much for sharing this with us.
posted by goshling at 1:10 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Wordwoman at 1:11 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so, so sorry.

Those usernames that you and he referenced with each other in everyday life; I'll tell you, holdkris99 is one of those names to so many others. Even before this was posted I'd already been thinking about one of his contributions here all day, and it sure as hell wasn't just me.

What you've written here is one of the most beautiful and overwhelming things I will ever read in my life. I can't begin to imagine the time and fortitude it took to share this with us, but I need to tell you that this is incredibly brave, and important, and allows those of us here to start to understand this singular man and this goddamn world we live in. And I wish I knew what to say here in response to that, except for thank you, thank you, thank you.
posted by churl at 1:12 AM on May 17, 2012 [7 favorites]


I'm so sorry for your loss, mrsholdkris99. I haven't personally interacted with your husband, but I recognize the name and I remember his comments. Your husband was a valuable member of the community, and he will be missed.

This has shaken me in ways that I never expected. I'm so grateful to you for posting this, and sharing your lovely memories. I hope you'll reach out to the community for support, and that you'll find some form of solace.

I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine.
posted by Phire at 1:13 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by kjs4 at 1:14 AM on May 17, 2012


Yes, thanks for writing this. It means a lot that you could share a little bit about the person behind the user name, even under such terrible circumstances.
posted by RogerB at 1:14 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am so sorry for your loss.
posted by ellenaim at 1:15 AM on May 17, 2012


Thank you so much, mrs holdkris99, for your beautiful and tender words that help us understand all that your husband endured, and with what kindness, grace, and humor. I vividly remember just about every post and comment you mention, and I'm so very sorry for your terrible loss, and so sad that we lost a friend who made our community so much richer and deeper. Please know that we are here to help if you ever need to sort through things – but also, as most of us can attest, the site can also be a pretty compelling distraction when you just need a break from recursive thoughts and painful times. Your husband's stories and observations helped other people in that way, and others, and we would be so glad if we can ever return the favor and help you in any small degree. Perhaps that was what Marc hoped, too, when he left small signposts of his love for you here.

A thousand hugs to you, from all of us. Please always remember that you brought him such joy.
posted by taz (staff) at 1:33 AM on May 17, 2012 [14 favorites]


It's so good of you to share your loss with us. We are a strangely closeknit bunch of people most of whom have never met. But we share a lot. Good things and bad things, silliness and the deepest meanings of our lives. Marc's contributions were valued by a lot of us.

Now that you've found us, please feel welcome to share in our community. In the loneliest hours of the night, I have have found wisdom, intellectual stimulation, and comfort from this place. We're always here to answer questions and maybe we can make you smile again. And we will cry with you.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 1:37 AM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Your loss is also our community's. Please accept my condolences.
posted by Smart Dalek at 1:43 AM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I am so sorry for your terrible loss. I definitely know your husband's username because I always looked forward to reading his comments--most recently, I recounted his Lionel Richie tape story to my partner after reading it in the Adam Yauch thread, because it was such a great story. When reading the bits and pieces of Marc's history that he would recount so honestly in AskMe questions and answers, I remember thinking about how much he must have been through. He was such a thoughtful and gracious person in his comments here. Thank you for sharing some more about him and about your life together--it all reinforces the sense of him that I had gotten from his writing. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:45 AM on May 17, 2012


oh man :( so sorry. take care of yourself.
posted by the mad poster! at 1:56 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so fucking sorry for your loss. Your writing about your husband was so incredibly poignant that I'm now sitting here in tears. I didnt think I recognized his username but I remember that post about the young woman that was murdered and I remember thinking what an amazing person he must be from that post. I will definitely keep you both in my thoughts and only wish there was more that I could do. You both sound like amazing people and I really hope that you stick around.
posted by jonathanstrange at 2:05 AM on May 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


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posted by TheophileEscargot at 2:24 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so very sorry for your loss. From your description, holdkris99 was an amazing husband, and he was a valued member of this community. He enriched metafilter, and he did it without ego or judgement. His posts and comments were beautiful. This is a terribly sad thing for this community to hear, and I cannot imagine how difficult and awful it is for you. My heart is with you and those around you that he counted as friends.
posted by zoo at 2:25 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Metafilter has lost another beloved member. So sorry.

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posted by IndigoRain at 2:27 AM on May 17, 2012


I tend to skim through on the green and the blue and rarely stop to read a post or comment in depth. But looking at the links you posted to comments and posts of his, I realised I had read them all. He seemed like a great guy with so many interesting stories to tell. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by tracicle at 2:29 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:31 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Ziggy500 at 2:45 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss, mrs holdkris99. I can't imagine the strength it must have taken to write this post.

I saw Marc's grilling post on Askme and made a point of returning to it a couple of times once the answers started coming in, just to see what he decided to make and how it turned out. Looking through his posting history I've realised that I've enjoyed a number of his posts and comments, even when I didn't pay much attention to the name underneath the words (maybe I should have).

Thank you for sharing Marc with us.

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posted by fight or flight at 2:46 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm tearing up reading this post.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with us.
I'm so sorry for you.
posted by motdiem2 at 2:46 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it was brave and wonderful of you to let us know the circumstances - of his life as well as his passing. I hope that writing it all out was maybe a little cathartic for you, or helped in some way. Thank you for sharing this with us. You are in my thoughts.
posted by andraste at 2:50 AM on May 17, 2012


I am deeply sorry for your loss. I also remember vividly the post about the woman who was later murdered, and was touched most of all by what a fundamentally good person he was, even in terrible circumstances.
posted by corb at 3:15 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Zarkonnen at 3:16 AM on May 17, 2012


.

Thank you for sharing. Wishing you strength and hope and love.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 3:17 AM on May 17, 2012


.

So very sorry for your immeasurable loss. Just spent an hour reading through this post and some of the comments he left. It's amazing what a glimpse of someone's character and countenance is reflected from their Metafilter persona, and with him, it's clear the world is a far worse place without him.
posted by disillusioned at 3:18 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm sorry for your loss.

Might I suggest, when the time is right, that you stick around and hang out here for a while? Many, many MeFites, in person and online, helped keep me going after my wife passed away suddenly three years ago.
posted by mrbill at 3:25 AM on May 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


.

Thank you for sharing Marc with us so thoughtfully and honestly. I wish you the best.
posted by plinth at 3:31 AM on May 17, 2012


The line in his Beastie Boys story about hopping on his Huffy -- that had me giggling for days. I loved his comments, and it's so hard to believe he's gone. Thank you for sharing with us the person he was behind the screen name. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by Houstonian at 3:36 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm so sorry for your loss. I remember reading the BBQ question, and thinking how lucky he was to have a weekend and a grill and some time to enjoy it. I'll miss him and his presence here. I hope you can take some strength from knowing that he was dearly loved by all of us here.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:37 AM on May 17, 2012


I really liked him. I wish you the best, and please do let us know if there is anything we can do for you.

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posted by the young rope-rider at 3:46 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry. He did a lot of good. If sticking around here on MetaFilter will be a help to you, then I sincerely hope you do so.
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:53 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by Salvor Hardin at 3:54 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by dhruva at 3:55 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Trivia Newton John at 3:57 AM on May 17, 2012


"...so many cities and windows and lives, and through each one there's a soul that strives to survive."

Thank you for sharing your husband's life with us in such a heartfelt way. It's so easy to forget that there's a whole world inside everyone's head. I'm sorry that he's gone, but I'm glad you got to have him for a little while. Blessings.
posted by ersatzkat at 4:01 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so so sorry. I corresponded with Marc several times about subjects near and dear to both of us. He couldn't have been nicer. Though we're both in Dallas, we never met.

God this is heartbreaking.
posted by item at 4:04 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


mrs holdkris99, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I am angry to read of the pain your husband's childhood family burdened him with and my heart goes out to him belatedly, but reading your post here, I am glad that he got to have you as family. My thoughts are with you.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 4:06 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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a wonderful story about a wonderful life
posted by 404 Not Found at 4:09 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by pwally at 4:13 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry to hear of your loss. His stories throughout the site always made a lasting impression on me, and while many indicated he'd had a rough life, there was always a thread of...enthusiasm for life in them. I admired that.
posted by ifjuly at 4:27 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss. Marc told us many moving stories, and I always thought he seemed like a lovely person. He was warm and funny and eloquent.
posted by winna at 4:28 AM on May 17, 2012


We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little lives are rounded with a sleep.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:30 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm sorry you've lost your husband and friend. We should all leave such a powerful legacy of love, resilience and bravery behind.

Thank you, too, for sharing your love story with us. Peace to you.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 4:30 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by lampshade at 4:31 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so so so so so sorry.
posted by angrycat at 4:32 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry. I always read his posts with interest - insightful and moving.
posted by leslies at 4:32 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by NordyneDefenceDynamics at 4:35 AM on May 17, 2012


Mrs. holdkris99, your post is a gift to the community; thank you so much for sharing, and allowing us to acknowledge Marc's contributions.

Sometimes I think human beings are like buildings made of glass brick--it seems like an impossible feat that they--we--remain structurally sound under certain stresses, yet there is always that fragility of our glass nature.
posted by drlith at 4:36 AM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I am so very sad and sorry that this is going on in your world. This is a terrible ending to what I'm sure was a very hopeful time in your life.
I think online communities are great, and this is one of the best. But sometimes people need practical help. What, in terms of practical assistance, can we do for you?
I'm sure you're in shock. And nothing may come to mind right away. But the Dallas MeFites and the Houston Mefites and the Austin Mefites and even non-Texan Mefites would rally to your aid, as soon as you say the word. Please let us know how we can help, and know you have many, many people pouring their own kind of virtual blessings onto you right now.
Hugs.
posted by pomegranate at 4:39 AM on May 17, 2012 [10 favorites]


This is so terribly sad. Thank you for sharing some of your life with Marc with us.

My deepest condolences to you on the loss of your partner, protector and best friend.
posted by Defying Gravity at 4:42 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by hydropsyche at 4:42 AM on May 17, 2012


As I was reading through this thread, the links that were already highlighted showed me how much reading and writing I shared with another random internet stranger who happened to be your husband. Your post is beautiful, and I'm sorry for your terrible loss. And now it's time for me to leave mine:
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posted by peagood at 4:44 AM on May 17, 2012


Like many others in this thread, when I went back to the links you posted I recognized many of them as ones I had loved and shared with my husband. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your husband with us over the years and now.
posted by Kimberly at 4:44 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss, I have long enjoyed his honesty and pragmatic way, my thoughts are with you and your families.
posted by ellieBOA at 4:47 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by penguin pie at 4:51 AM on May 17, 2012


This post is beautiful description of the man. The world is a bit darker for his death and you have my condolences on that.

Do take care of yourself, don't blame yourself and don't hesitate to ask Mefites for a shoulder to lean on or for ears to listen.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:51 AM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


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posted by prettypretty at 4:52 AM on May 17, 2012


Going back through the stories, I realize that there isn't really anyone I can share them with without having to explain metafilter, and what it means to me. Except, you know, here. Damn, I'm going to miss him.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:53 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Thank you so much for sharing these stories. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
posted by mothershock at 4:56 AM on May 17, 2012


I can't express how sorry I am for all of this. Please know that you have friends here, and we would like to be there for you in whatever way we can.
posted by Gator at 4:57 AM on May 17, 2012


Gah. I always really enjoyed seeing holdkris99's posts. This is so so sad. I didn't expect to be crying over my morning coffee today. I hope that you have people in your life to support you right now. I know that mefites will be here for you if you need anything. *big hugs*
posted by futz at 5:00 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by ericb at 5:00 AM on May 17, 2012


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Aching for you right now....I'm so very sorry....
posted by pearlybob at 5:02 AM on May 17, 2012


((((((Hugs)))))


I am so very, very sorry.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:09 AM on May 17, 2012


My condolences to you and your entire family. I'm sorry for your loss.

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posted by Stynxno at 5:11 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Chairboy at 5:11 AM on May 17, 2012


Woke up to this post an hour or so ago. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. This post is such a wonderful memorial to holdkris99 and his contributions to this community. "Just Breathe" has always been an iffy song for me to listen to in public, lest I get emotional, but now hearing even a bar of it is going to have me searching for a suitable place to cry.

Please don't hesitate to reach out if there's anything I can do for you.
posted by SpiffyRob at 5:12 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Thank you for coming here to share this terrible news. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to write this post, I'm having a difficult time coming up with any useful words for this comment.
posted by octothorpe at 5:13 AM on May 17, 2012


It was unspeakably brave of you to share this with us. I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by mintcake! at 5:13 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


You have written a beautiful remembrance of your husband. I did not know him, although I suspected we crossed paths on AskMetafilter. Your post has made me wish I had, for he sounds like a truly unique and loving person and metafilter seems darker now that he is gone.

Thank you for writing this and giving me a chance to learn about him.

My greatest sympathies go to you and his loved ones.

.
posted by royalsong at 5:13 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by verbyournouns at 5:16 AM on May 17, 2012


Fucking Bruce.

I am so sorry. Maybe his children will read your post and KNOW what a good man their father was.

Stay strong.

.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:17 AM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


My heart hurts for you.
posted by govtdrone at 5:20 AM on May 17, 2012


I have no words, except to thank you for sharing so much of a wonderful person I never knew. I'm very sorry for your loss.

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posted by pahalial at 5:22 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by toerinishuman at 5:24 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by burnmp3s at 5:26 AM on May 17, 2012


Thank you for that very moving tribute.

“no fifties please.” God damn.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:26 AM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


God. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sitting on a bus in tears from having read this. Thank you so much for sharing your memories of him.

He and I had quite similar taste in music...in fact, I remember him most recently from a favorite he left on a comment I made about my favorite tribute album. One Sunday Morning is one of my favorite Wilco songs...it makes me cry as it is.

My thoughts are with you.
posted by quiet coyote at 5:29 AM on May 17, 2012


Your post is a wonderful tribute to the man, and certainly not "too long". Thank you for sharing that with us. As someone upthread mentioned, I didn't immediately recognize the user name, but then I started reading his comments and was struck many times by the simple thought: "That was him?!"

Many of his comments and contributions have stayed with me. I am so sorry for your loss.

.
posted by aclevername at 5:30 AM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for letting us know your husband a bit better.

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posted by Foci for Analysis at 5:31 AM on May 17, 2012


I am deeply grateful to you for the decision and the courage to write and post this and to share so much at such a difficult time. I'm grateful because I feel privileged to learn more about this exceptional man when otherwise he would have passed and I'd never even have known that he was gone. As others have said, he and you are in thousands of hearts today just because of your post.

.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and wish you all the love in the world.
posted by mediareport at 5:33 AM on May 17, 2012


I have never cried so goddamn hard at something I've read on the Internet.

I'm so sorry this happened, but I'm glad you appreciate the time that you had with him.
posted by empath at 5:33 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have no words – I'm just terribly sorry for your loss, and wish you health and healing.
posted by Shepherd at 5:35 AM on May 17, 2012


I, too, remember his comments. He had a real talent for telling a story in a way that made you understand exactly how he felt. I'm so sorry that he, and now you, had to deal with so much pain. I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you were obviously able to bring him intense happiness. You brought much joy and love to someone who needed it so much. I am sorry for your loss, for our loss, and for the world's loss of such a beautiful person.

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posted by MexicanYenta at 5:36 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm very sorry for your loss and our loss.
posted by francesca too at 5:40 AM on May 17, 2012


Shit, no.

I haven't even skimmed your lengthy piece (will certainly read it later) but I first noticed him in that Green Bay Packer thread, and the writing & open-hearted humanity were just breathtaking. One of very few people here who I instantly made a mental note to look out for, whenever they wrote anything.

Off outside to have a quiet cry now. You take care, please.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:40 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh, no.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by rtha at 5:41 AM on May 17, 2012


Ach, I am so sorry to hear about this. I wish there were something I could do to ease your pain. I will miss him.
posted by OmieWise at 5:42 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh, no. I am so absolutely sorry for your loss. I didn't know holdkris99's name off the top of my head, but I remember every single one of those posts and comments you linked and somehow I just never connected them all together. He was an amazing mefite, and that can only be a reflection of what an amazing person he must have been in general.

This.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by Forktine at 5:43 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by jjray at 5:44 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh my god, I'm so sorry. So very sorry. My thoughts are with you.

.
posted by rmd1023 at 5:46 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry.

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posted by COD at 5:47 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm sorry for you loss. Thanks you for sharing it with us, although I wish you didn't have to.
posted by absalom at 5:47 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh, my, holdkris99 was loved by me, and many others. His contributions here meant so much.

I am so, so sorry to hear your devastating news. Lots of tears on Metafilter today, your husband was a very valuable human, and your post remembering him was an absolutely beautiful tribute.

.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 5:53 AM on May 17, 2012


mrs holdkris99 I am so sorry. The story Marc told about your wedding (and the eventual decent resolution) has been one I think about almost daily when I grapple with my own strange family. Your love for him and his for you shows through strongly in your eulogy. May his memory be a comfort to you. Feel free to call on us if there are other things we can do for you.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:54 AM on May 17, 2012 [16 favorites]


Your husband absolutely made this site and community better, and it was incredibly generous of you to share so much about him with all of us. Thank you.
posted by Greg Nog at 5:56 AM on May 17, 2012 [6 favorites]


I'm sorry to hear this, that's horrible. Thank you for giving us such a loving portrait of him.
posted by agregoli at 5:57 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
posted by crankylex at 5:58 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thank you very much for this moving eulogy, and please know that you are welcome here.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:00 AM on May 17, 2012


So sorry for you loss. Thank you for sharing this beautiful remembrance. I had the same experience reading this post as many above who found they remembered everything you linked; add to the list of what he left behind a legacy as a thoughtful, insightful, strong person, admired by many.

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posted by solotoro at 6:00 AM on May 17, 2012


While we never interacted (that I can remember), I had read some of his comments over the years, and was always entertained or joyed. I'm sitting here at my desk at work, waiting for the red and tears to leave my eyes before I get up for water. I wish you peace in all of this, peace and understanding. He was an amazing man, and you are an amazing woman for telling his story. All my love and warm thoughts.
posted by deezil at 6:00 AM on May 17, 2012


So sorry for your loss. I love that story about Marc buying his Dad a share of the Packers; it's one of the few Mefi stories I've repeated to non-Mefites, it's just that good.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:02 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:02 AM on May 17, 2012


This is tragic news, that we have lost another good one.

Mrs holdkris, my heart goes out to you. I echo what has been said above: that it must have taken tremendous strength to write such an amazing eulogy for Marc, which makes me appreciate something of the magnitude of what we all lost. His Green Bay Packers story was brilliant, but I had not even connected that being the same user with the Beastie Boys story a couple of weeks back. He sounded like he had a lot of pain in his past and he rose above all that in a way that I wish everyone was able to.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:07 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by travelwithcats at 6:09 AM on May 17, 2012


I am full of sad for you and your loss and, selfishly, for ours.




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posted by SweetTeaAndABiscuit at 6:13 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. This really shook me because I am brand new to Metafilter, but Marc was one of the few users whose profile and past posts I had looked at, and who I felt was a bit of a kindred spirit. We had some common interests and life experiences, and he just seemed like a smart, thoughtful, and interesting person, and I admired his openness. I even thought about emailing him a week or two ago with a question about something he had experience with that I had been looking for guidance on. I also mentioned him to my boyfriend because he sells on eBay too, and I was impressed that Marc had made a living by it (and that he had owned a bookstore so young). It's clear that you and Marc had a beautiful relationship and a deep connection, and my thoughts are and will be with you and your children. Thank you for posting.
posted by désoeuvrée at 6:18 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry. Thank you for writing this, and for sharing it.

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posted by theatro at 6:18 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss. This post is such a beautiful tribute to what your husband was and continues to be.

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posted by shakespeherian at 6:18 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so very sorry.

.
posted by klausness at 6:20 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh man. I'm really going to miss holdkris99. Thank you for sharing these stories.

So sorry.
posted by grouse at 6:21 AM on May 17, 2012


Your husband was an awesome mefite and, judging from your beautiful post, an even better human being. His MCA story has popped into my head every time I've listened to the Beastie Boys recently. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by minifigs at 6:22 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I can't imagine how hard writing this would have been, never mind the loss of someone that you so dearly love.

I am so sorry, and I hope you find some solace in the fact his memory will be treasured here as well.
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 6:22 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm another one who always looked forward to holdkriss99's posts. For some reason, his MCA story AND the grilling question had been on my mind a lot this past week. You've created a beautiful tribute to him, thank you for sharing him with us. I am so sorry for this enormous loss.

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posted by annathea at 6:22 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss.
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posted by pointystick at 6:25 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Dano St at 6:28 AM on May 17, 2012


I just want to add, that if I leave behind one person who could say such amazing things about me when I'm gone, I'd have had a worthwhile life.
posted by empath at 6:29 AM on May 17, 2012 [62 favorites]


Thank you mrs holdkris99, that was a very well written memorial and I hope it was at least a little cathartic to write. Your husband will be sorely missed and we are all a bit poorer for his passing, but richer for have known him at least glancingly.

be well
posted by edgeways at 6:29 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm sorry for your loss. Your husband contributed some of my favorite comments and posts here. I don't know what else to say.
posted by bondcliff at 6:29 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry.

I looked back at some of his comments, and he was an amazing story teller.

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posted by bearette at 6:32 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry and sorrowful to hear this terrible news. I too, am a Mefite who tells stories from Metafilter to my Non-Mefite spouse, and I have frequently repeated and even read aloud many of holdkriss99's comments. Thank you for your tribute. I always looked for his name. What a loss.
posted by Malla at 6:33 AM on May 17, 2012


Your husband seemed like an awesome guy. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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posted by Aizkolari at 6:38 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so so sorry for your loss. He'd favourited some of my comments recently, and I was pleased that someone I respected so much had found my thoughts worth a little thumbs-up or two.

People have already said that we're here for you if you need advice or comfort or just some silly videos or cat pictures as a distraction from things. I'll just add my voice to the chorus - we would be so happy to be able to help you out in any way.
posted by harriet vane at 6:38 AM on May 17, 2012


Thank you for posting his story. It must have been difficult, but your courage is inspiring.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:40 AM on May 17, 2012


Sad news. My sincere condolences.

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posted by jonmc at 6:42 AM on May 17, 2012


We are all diminished by this. I am so sorry.

Please, as many have said, do not hesitate to reach out if there is anything we can do to help.
posted by gauche at 6:46 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry...this is devastating news. I called my wife in to the office last week to read her your husband's post in the MCA thread, because I found it very moving. Please draw whatever consolation you can from the knowledge that your grief is shared by many people who found a lot to relate to in your husband's posts here.
posted by Ipsifendus at 6:47 AM on May 17, 2012


. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
posted by Wylla at 6:50 AM on May 17, 2012


I wish you peace in the days ahead.

Please check in from time to time and let us know if we can do anything for you.
posted by zizzle at 6:50 AM on May 17, 2012


I tried to come up with something profound, but everything sounds trite in comparison. Your post was beautiful. I'm sorry. The note at the bottom of this page may never have been more appropriate.
posted by Apoch at 6:50 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 6:51 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by The Deej at 6:52 AM on May 17, 2012


MetaFilter isn't something I share widely in my non-internet life, and I know it's difficult for people who aren't into online communities to understand. Thank you so much, mrsholdkris, for understanding that this was important to Marc, and not only letting us know, but sharing more of Marc with us. I'm very sorry for your loss, and our community's loss. Like several others here, I shared his MCA story with friends who love the Beasties, and who got joy out of it. He will be missed.
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:57 AM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I am so very sorry.

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posted by OsoMeaty at 6:58 AM on May 17, 2012


Did not know the names, but knew his contributions when I looked at his history.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by josher71 at 7:00 AM on May 17, 2012


His comments were smart and funny, and I was always happy to see his name. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
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posted by Francolin at 7:03 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh, I'm so sorry. I remember the moment when I realized all those posts were by the same person and how kind and funny and wonderful they were. You sound like an amazing person too. My heart goes out to you.

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posted by BibiRose at 7:07 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, found that I recognized every single one of his contributions you linked to in this post and had never made the connection that it was the same user across the board. Having struggled with addiction myself I was always so moved by his honesty with regards to his drug use and getting clean. I don't even know what else to say - anything I can think of just feels so trite right now. I'm sitting at my desk at work struggling to hold back tears. Thank you for sharing these lovely memories of him with us and please take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts.

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posted by thereemix at 7:08 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Sorry about that.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:12 AM on May 17, 2012


So very sorry to hear this.

With love from Nashville,

jq
posted by jquinby at 7:13 AM on May 17, 2012


Mother effing eff eff. Another victory for the Echthroi.

*hugs hugs hugs*

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posted by Melismata at 7:15 AM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Crying at my desk. What a wonderful tribute you wrote, and what a tremendous loss for you, for his family, and for all us here in this community. Like others have said, I didn't know Marc personally. But several of his contributions have stuck in my memory for their eloquence and for how they resonated with me emotionally. My sincere condolences.

.

(Which, if you didn't know, is the traditional MetaFilter way to denote a moment of silence for someone who has died.)
posted by gemmy at 7:16 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so, so sorry. Thank you for writing this post, it's beautiful, and I really hope that sharing your pain here will lighten the burden a bit. My best friend killed himself in 2008, please MeMail me if you need a shoulder, even though we are strangers to each other, we sadly have something deeply personal in common. You will get through this, and it was not your fault.
posted by biscotti at 7:16 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by onwords at 7:19 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by ansate at 7:20 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss, and grateful to you for sharing Marc's story.
posted by thylacinthine at 7:22 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Iridic at 7:23 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry. We will miss him: thank you for sharing so much of him and yourself with us.
posted by anotherpanacea at 7:24 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I recognized every one of those threads and I will always remember your husband as a person with grace, kindness, and love in his heart. Now that I know his childhood story, I will forever be in awe that he was able to hold those things in his heart.

Please know that this community is here for you now and in the future. You're one of us, even though you didn't know it til now.

.
posted by cooker girl at 7:24 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh lord, what a beautiful post. I'm so sorry. Like many here I remember individual posts and comments by Marc but didn't connect them as being from one guy. I remember that story about him watching you at your wedding. I teared up then, I've teared up again. Thank you for sharing this, and take care of yourself.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:25 AM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


I am so, so sorry for your loss. This post is a blessing, and a beautiful tribute. Peace to you.
posted by tristeza at 7:25 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so very sorry.

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posted by pemberkins at 7:28 AM on May 17, 2012


I feel so much appreciation for your sharing the story of your loss. And I'm so very sorry.

One part of my job is to talk with mental health providers after one of their clients completes a suicide, to try to figure out what, if anything, could have been done differently. A few things I've learned:

Not every suicide is preventable. Some are, some aren't. It's likely that you're going to be struggling with awful questions about what might have happened if you had done something different. These questions come from your deep love of your husband. Please remember that, and reach out for support here and within your own community.

There's so much emotional pain and suffering in the world. Research suggests that about a quarter to a third of people have seriously contemplated suicide at some time in their lives. If Metafilter has 20,000 active users, that means around 5000 to 7000 of us are in that group. Right now, there are probably people reading this thread who are considering ending their lives.

Everyone needs a hug. And I send one out to you. Please take the opportunity to reach out.
posted by jasper411 at 7:28 AM on May 17, 2012 [13 favorites]


Oh wow. I made that post late last night and went to bed thinking there might be 20 comments or something when I woke up but there are hundreds. It is so touching to read that Marc made an impression here, I know that would have meant a lot to him, knowing that. I haven't had time to read through all of the comments yet, and may not have time until tomorrow, Marc is to be cremated this afternoon.

Let me say really quick though that I am stunned, stunned, that on an internet post in this day and age that, of the comments I have read so far, there has not been a single negative thing said about Marc or suicide in general. I have been getting it from all sides these past few days, my mom blaming the fact the he didn't believe in God, his mom blaming me...just, thank y'all. So much. There are a couple of the comments I want to respond to specifically, but that will have to wait for a day or two. I will also be giving a link to his two kids to this post, they will want to read it.
posted by mrs holdkris99 at 7:33 AM on May 17, 2012 [81 favorites]


Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope this thread and community can in some small way help assuage the grief you know in his absence. We share it with you.
posted by allkindsoftime at 7:34 AM on May 17, 2012


Thank you so much for sharing some of holdkris's life with us. I am incredibly sad for you and his family. I very clearly remember reading his question about that woman's death, and he struck me as such a kind, sensitive person who maybe doesn't recognize how thoughtful and empathic he really is? I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I also remember his post about conversations with his father-in-law about religion, and probably dozens of other posts and comments that I admired but didn't connect to his username. Also, this question makes a lot more sense now.
posted by muddgirl at 7:35 AM on May 17, 2012 [9 favorites]


That was beautiful and heartbreaking.

There were certain threads where I always looked for your husband's name, and it was always a comfort and a ... (what is the word? delight and pleasure don't fit. rightness? relief? rightness? strength? support? All those things, maybe?) ... to see him there, being strong and right and wonderful. He didn't know me from Adam, but I always felt like I knew him a little and was glad to have him here. And then there were threads where he made me smile or laugh -- he was just such a good egg.

I am just so sad and so sorry.
posted by julen at 7:35 AM on May 17, 2012


Very sorry to hear it. He will be missed. You and the rest of his loved ones are in my thoughts.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:37 AM on May 17, 2012


mrs holdkriss99, I'm so profoundly sorry for your loss, and so grateful that you took the time to write such an amazing eulogy for your magnificent husband. holdkriss99 obviously had many, many fans around here, and we will miss him terribly. I must've read his MCA story to at least four dozen people, and the story never got old.

I hope you are surrounded by love, and that your memories of him will be a source of joy for you even through this unimaginable sorrow.
posted by shiu mai baby at 7:37 AM on May 17, 2012


I have been getting it from all sides these past few days, my mom blaming the fact the he didn't believe in God, his mom blaming me

That's BS, and I'm sure you know it, but I'm saying it just in case you need to hear it from someone. We're here for you.
posted by empath at 7:38 AM on May 17, 2012 [28 favorites]


His contributions were always interesting. Thanks to you both you so much for sharing your stories with us - 'Just Breathe' was one of my choices for our wedding song, too, but it made me too blurbbery :).
Peace to him, and peace to you.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:39 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've been thinking about your post since last night when I first read it. I first really 'noticed' Marc when he posted to the green about his feelings of guilt over a murder he could in no way have stopped; I remember even at the time thinking that he must have a tremendous heart to be affected so by what happened. I would never have learned of his Beastie Boys story if it weren't for this post, so I thank you and him both for that.

This morning I played "Just Breathe" in honor of you both and cried through the whole thing; I don't think I had ever before realized what a moving song that was. The last post he made here was surely for you. I don't think I'll ever hear that song again without thinking of the both of you.

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. I will miss his presence here at Metafilter.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:40 AM on May 17, 2012


my mom blaming the fact the he didn't believe in God, his mom blaming me

Um, holy shit, that is ten shades of fucked up and wrong. Please please please don't hesitate to minimize contact with these people, even though they are family, for as long as you need to. Surround yourself with only those who love you, who love Marc, and who understand how to have some fucking compassion. Jesus.
posted by shiu mai baby at 7:41 AM on May 17, 2012 [6 favorites]


.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for the beautiful, wrenching eulogy.

And I am totally going to start using "what would Scody say?"
posted by en forme de poire at 7:41 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by xorry at 7:42 AM on May 17, 2012


I didn't personally know holdkris99, but I was looking at his user profile a couple days ago, I don't recall exactly why. But I remember thinking "oh yes, one of the guys that reliably makes Mefi such a good place. Glad he's around." Even if I couldn't tell you his name or age or location, he left that impression on me. (And Little Granny is one of my favorite Mefi stories of all time.)

I'm sorry for your loss... our loss, too. Thanks for sharing this, mrs holdkris99, and I hope you'll stick around.

.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:52 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh this is terrible. Like many others, I didn't recognize holdkris99 individually, but looking over his posting history, his contributions here gave me a lot of joy. Yesterday afternoon, I was listening to Willie Nelson's amazing Pearl Jam cover and thinking about how I'd heard it first from a MetaFilter post.

I'm so very sorry.
posted by R. Schlock at 7:54 AM on May 17, 2012


Ach. So much pain and love.
posted by joost de vries at 7:54 AM on May 17, 2012


That's BS, and I'm sure you know it, but I'm saying it just in case you need to hear it from someone. We're here for you.
posted by empath


Yes. This too. It's not your fault.
posted by gauche at 7:56 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


It just gutted me to read this this morning.
Your eulogy painted such a beautiful, 3-dimensional portrait of your husband that I feel like I knew him. And indeed I've gotten to know him more this morning by reading some of his posts from your links. I remembered his Adam Yauch story from a few weeks ago, I had thought it was a fantastic story at the time. I hadn't seen the Packers story and just read it a few minutes ago with watery eyes.
He certainly had a gripping, immediate way of telling a story; one that brought you right in and had you identifying and empathizing with him from the get-go. After commenting in his great Willie Nelson thread last weekend, I was on a Willie Nelson high all week; couldn't get him out of my head.
I regret that I had no interactions with your husband, as he seemed like a very cool guy. We had similar tastes in music.
I will add my voice to the queu and invite you to stay and participate in the community he loved, the one he found comfort in. You may find some comfort here too.

.
posted by chococat at 7:56 AM on May 17, 2012 [6 favorites]


I really enjoyed his contributions here. Your "ramblings" are poignant and moving. Thank you for taking the time to tell us about his life. I will miss him.

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posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 7:59 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


.

(Except to say that the line "Part owner of THE GREEN BAY PACKERS. Take that mother fucker." has stayed with me since he originally posted it.)
posted by Jofus at 7:59 AM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


I did not know your husband, but I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing what you did. I hope that our expressions of concern and sympathy are helping you.
posted by Danf at 8:01 AM on May 17, 2012


I hope you have comfort and are surrounded by strength. I hope that all of the best moments the two of you had together live on in your heart forever. I hope that the clarity of his love and goodness is a bright net of protection for all who love him, for all who are shocked by losing him.

Thank you for telling us his story, for sharing your grief. I always read his stories to my housemate/ex, and was always pleased to see something new from him.

I'm sorry that he felt there was only one way to solve that problem. I'm sorry you're hurting, that others are hurt. I wish peace to your hearts. I believe the spark that animated him was enriched by his time here and the person he became and that it will go on to add to the love in the Universe.

.
posted by batmonkey at 8:01 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


What an absolutely loving, beautiful tribute to your husband. I stick around AskMe for the most part, and am familiar with your husband's questions. From the little I saw, he was an amazing person who had a lot to deal with, and I'm so glad that he had a partner in life to help him navigate through it.

I hope that, if this place gives your some solace, you'll stick around. If not, I hope you take the best care of yourself that you can, because it's obvious that you took great care of him.
posted by xingcat at 8:03 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by radioamy at 8:06 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


This was one of the most amazing posts I've read -- and on MetaFilter, that's saying something.

Your time together was way too short, but I'm always astounded by the stories people can tell at times like these -- the depths of our connections, the big and small and stupid and wondrous things that make up our days. And VERY few people can have the presence of mind to make the kind of post that you've made here, but you've given Marc a life beyond his days.

I share MetaFilter with my non-MeFite spouse, too, and it has made me feel so much more human. I hope you'll continue to share that part of his life by sticking around here.

He clearly loved you so much.
posted by Madamina at 8:06 AM on May 17, 2012 [15 favorites]



His Packer story was made in response to my comment.

He seemed like a solid dude, and I took his comment as a reminder that I shouldn't let my experiences color my world view as much I as I do sometimes.

I'm sorry he's gone from us.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:07 AM on May 17, 2012


That was a beautiful tribute to Marc, and his life. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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posted by kellyblah at 8:11 AM on May 17, 2012


I remember some of his comments and style, too. I'm sorry for your loss but I'm grateful to you. Double sorry to hear that you're getting shit from the family. You don't deserve it in any way.
posted by fake at 8:17 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm sorry for your loss and the life he had before you. It seems you made it better for him. I'm sorry he couldn't see that if it was intentional or even if it was accidental.
posted by stormpooper at 8:19 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh man.

I got a little passionate on his question about Little Granny. But I always thought about what a great, great dad he seemed to be, how thoughtfully he was approaching questions of parenting. I lost my dad when I was a kid and ugh, please hug his son for me.

What a stand-up guy he was. I'll really, really miss him.

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posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:25 AM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


What an incredible post, and what a wonderful story about the stories he told here on this site. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I will be holding you in the light.

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posted by WidgetAlley at 8:31 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Mister Bijou at 8:31 AM on May 17, 2012


Thank you so much for this beautiful post about your husband, who clearly adored you and was himself remarkable and wonderful. You made him even more important to us with all that you shared. It breaks my heart that he didn't see any other way to avoid calling Bruce. Please don't do what he did (as to the murder he couldnt prevent) and blame yourself for this lost life, because it is clear you were in no way the catalyst for this decision. If anything, you clearly extended and beautified his life.

He will be deeply missed here.
posted by bearwife at 8:31 AM on May 17, 2012 [13 favorites]


I am so sorry to hear about this. I've been waiting to read what he ended up grilling. The Adam Yauch story made me tear up when I read it, it was so awesome. I will miss holdkris99, over the last year his became a handle that I recognized- I always appreciated his posts and comments. Thank you for writing such a wonderful and moving memorial.
posted by oneirodynia at 8:31 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss. The contributions your husband made to this site were valuable in so many different ways, and I hope we can repay the favor to you somehow. My best to your and your loved ones throughout it all.
posted by juliplease at 8:32 AM on May 17, 2012


Very, very, sorry.

Bless you and his memory.
posted by Curious Artificer at 8:32 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry. I had another username that I can't remember the password or email for, so I've been around for awhile and was familiar with his handle and comments and questions.

I'm so so sorry. I'm rereading the Packers story and other comments...I'm thinking of you and his son and daughter, and your parents as well. I am so so sorry.
posted by discopolo at 8:32 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:34 AM on May 17, 2012


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Thank you for sharing, mrs holdkris99.

Please, people reading this who may be contemplating suicide, REACH OUT to others. I am so sad from reading the posts of these members who feel life isn't worth living.

You do matter.

You ALL matter to me, from the fightiest derail in metatalk, to the sensitive been-there threads in askme, to the crazy SYLT in metafilter, you all enrich my life.
posted by cass at 8:36 AM on May 17, 2012 [8 favorites]


I will also be giving a link to his two kids to this post, they will want to read it.

mrs holdkris99 (and holdkris99's kids) -- you probably have figured it out, but just to be clear -- when a MeFite posts a single period in a thread it denotes and moment of silence and respect for the one who has passed.
posted by ericb at 8:36 AM on May 17, 2012


That story is just heartbreaking; he sounds like quite a person. My condolences to you and the rest of his friends and family.
posted by TedW at 8:37 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Mitheral at 8:37 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh, god. Everybody gets mad at a suicide, and they want to hit the first available target, and it's so fucking useless. I'm sorry the family is being such assholes to you. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the hell you're going through right now.
posted by lysdexic at 8:38 AM on May 17, 2012 [6 favorites]


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posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 8:39 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh, I'm so terribly sorry. How kind of you to think of us at such a time --- and to give us such a loving and understanding glimpse into his world.

My heart goes out to you and your children.

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posted by Elsa at 8:39 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by Quietgal at 8:39 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss. I'm more of a reader around here than a writer, but I remember so many of his comments so vividly. I cried reading the comment about buying a share of the Packers. I'm using his comment in the recent ticket scalping thread as a bit of evidence in a process I'm trying to enact at my own workplace.

And I'm just echoing what others have said above, but he was well loved by this community, and if we can be of any direct or indirect support to you, mrs. holdkris99, during an unimaginably difficult time, I feel confident in saying that if you reach out we'll be here for you. Thank you for sharing such a personal and intimate story with us. It affected me deeply. He touched my life, and you have too, and I'll never be able to thank you both enough for that.
posted by penduluum at 8:41 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm sorry I missed that he had a daughter, too. Please hug her for me also. Be good to each other.

I'm just so touched by everything you shared here. If you ever need to talk to someone, please feel free to send me a MeMail or an email (phoebe @ phoebenorth.com). Just please know that Marc was loved--and, well, you're one of us now. We take care of our own. Anything you need at all.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:44 AM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Oh no. I'm so very sorry, mrs. holdkris99.

I remember reading the Packer story so vividly, as I live in Wisconsin and it was big news here at the time. Then my husband and I actually received a share for Christmas. As my husband opened the envelope and showed me what it was, my very first thought was of holdkris99's post. That was the impact that his words had on me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way.

Peace to you and your families.


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posted by altopower at 8:47 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by Kevin Street at 8:48 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry.
posted by amanda at 8:49 AM on May 17, 2012


I have been getting it from all sides these past few days, my mom blaming the fact the he didn't believe in God, his mom blaming me...just, thank y'all.

Just to reiterate what I'm sure you already know, but I want to underscore: behaving so cruelly says everything about who they are, and nothing about either of you. You and Marc both sowed love in ways they could not see or appreciate. That is to their discredit, not yours.

All you need right now is gentleness, empathy, and love -- from those who surround you, and from your own heart to yourself. The only thing you'll get from all sides from us is support. I don't want to overwhelm you with offers of support, but if you need non-judgmental people to physically show up to give you a shoulder to cry on (and, if I know my fellow Mefites, to bring delicious pie as well), just say the word. We have your back. For real.

I went to sleep last night thinking of you, and you were the first thing I thought about this morning. When your families are striking out at you with hurtfulness, please think of all of us holding you in our hearts as a little invisible web of love and light.

I'm not religious, either, but for some reason in times of grief I often find deep, deep comfort and expression in the poetry of Gerard Manley Hopkins, so I hope the mention of god here won't detract from it for you:
My own heart let me have more have pity on; let
Me live to my sad self hereafter kind,
Charitable; not live this tormented mind
With this tormented mind tormenting yet.
I cast for comfort I can no more get
By groping round my comfortless, than blind
Eyes in their dark can day or thirst can find
Thirst’s all-in-all in all a world of wet.

Soul, self; come, poor Jackself, I do advise
You, jaded, let be; call off thoughts awhile
Elsewhere; leave comfort root-room; let joy size
At God knows when to God knows what; whose smile
’s not wrung, see you; unforeseen times rather—as skies
Betweenpie mountains—lights a lovely mile.
posted by scody at 8:49 AM on May 17, 2012 [36 favorites]


So very sorry.

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posted by shiny blue object at 8:52 AM on May 17, 2012


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Heart Broken.
That is so sad, I am so sorry for you and all of his loved ones. I recognize his name, I always enjoyed reading his comments. He wrote well and with empathy.
posted by stagewhisper at 8:58 AM on May 17, 2012


My most sincere condolences. I always enjoyed his contributions here as well.

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posted by MustardTent at 9:00 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss. This is tragic news. I feel a kinship with all members of this site, but particularly those who also live in Texas! I knew his username at sight. David Foster Wallace is also my favorite writer and I post about him a lot on here. When holdkris99 would favorite a comment or post of mine, that was a good day for me.

My deepest condolences.

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posted by mattbucher at 9:00 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Let me say really quick though that I am stunned, stunned, that on an internet post in this day and age that, of the comments I have read so far, there has not been a single negative thing said about Marc or suicide in general. I have been getting it from all sides these past few days

People can do terrible, shitty things in grief, and often folks don't know how to even grapple with suicide because it's such a hard and sudden thing and they may not be able to understand the mindset that would even lead to making that kind of decision. And they need to blame something or blame someone just to externalize all that and give them a target to beat on to distract from the pain and confusion they're feeling.

And like folks have said that's absolutely not your fault, and it's terrible that you're having to deal with that from folks who should understand how much you yourself are hurting. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that. Hopefully the moms and anyone else around you who is pulling that shit will come to their senses and be decent, but in any case know that they're out of line and it's not your fault if other people process a hard thing by behaving badly.

Thank you again for writing this up. It really is a wonderful testament to his life.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:02 AM on May 17, 2012 [19 favorites]


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posted by daydreamer at 9:03 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for this beautiful, moving tribute. MeTa seems a little more grey today :(
posted by heyho at 9:05 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Tearing up here. I am so sorry. Looking at the post I didn't recognize his name, but reading through and taking a look at his history there are many, many of his contributions I remember. This is a loss for all of us, and if you need us, we are here for you.

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posted by yellowbinder at 9:05 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh no. :( I'm so very, very sorry for your and your children's loss. What a beautiful, moving, wonderful and heartwrenching eulogy. Thank you so very, very much for posting this and sharing those wonderful stories and details from his life with us. For helping us know him better from your perspective, and for giving his life a depth for us that his comments and posts here couldn't convey. I can't imagine how you could have written it. Just reading it, I had to stop several times. I couldn't see the screen through the tears.

As many people have said above, we also mourn his passing -- I think it's safe to say quite a few of us respected and valued him here. As others have mentioned, if there's anything you need, please let us know. We're here for you. We really are. And to build on what scody said above, you have an entire community of people here who stand behind you, support you and wish you and your children well, with our love and kindness.

His comments in the Paterno thread stuck with me for many days afterwards -- especially the one I linked to. He spoke openly and with clarity about being abused as a child in a way that I have never been able to. I had such tremendous respect for him for that. And again when the Bill Conlin scandal came to light, because he spoke of the value to victims of coming forward and speaking out even many, many years later, when they knew they had no hope of an adequate response from the authorities or legal recourse.

My sincerest condolences. May his memory be for a blessing, to you and your children.
posted by zarq at 9:06 AM on May 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


Thank you very much for writing such an eloquent and heartfelt tribute and letting us know what a tremendous loss we have all suffered. You were lucky to have found each other, and I'm glad he had as much time with you as he did. Hang in there, and I hope being part of this community will help you cope with this agonizing time.
posted by languagehat at 9:07 AM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'm so sorry. Another MeFite and I were just talking about his Beastie Boys story the other day. He was a phenomenal contributor here.
posted by evisceratordeath at 9:09 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Navelgazer at 9:10 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss. So, so sorry.
posted by something something at 9:12 AM on May 17, 2012


What keeps striking me as I read this thread and the links to holdkris99's posts and comments is just how fiercely he tried to protect and help the people he loved, and sometimes even people he didn't know. So many of his questions were about how to help his children, how to give you a beautiful wedding, how to support his family members. The stories we cherish about him are of the good things he did for his father and about how much he loved you. He was always ready to help us here with advice or a kind word. Heck, he even posted a question here about how strangers could tell that he was compassionate and wants to help. He cherished you and your family so much, and it was clear to all of us that he knew how much you loved him, too. I am so, so sorry for your loss, and I can only hope that your family and loved ones will support you as you mourn the loss of this man who was so supportive to everyone else.
posted by decathecting at 9:13 AM on May 17, 2012 [17 favorites]


I'm so sorry. I hope his love for you gives you strength. It's not your fault and you don't deserve to be treated like that by your family. Thank you so much for sharing.
posted by The World's End at 9:14 AM on May 17, 2012


I am very sorry for your loss. Marc and I share favorite Wilco songs, and I'll probably never play Ashes of American Flags(myself or on a stereo) again without thinking of him.

Take care of yourself.
posted by owtytrof at 9:15 AM on May 17, 2012


This was the most beautiful tribute I've seen. I didn't immediately recognize the username, but as I read through I realized that I'd read all the comments and posts, and your stories made all of the comments fit into a life. I'm so sorry for your loss but thank you for telling his story.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 9:20 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by cjorgensen at 9:23 AM on May 17, 2012


Man, I'm so, so sorry. He will definitely be missed. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful memorial with us.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 9:27 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by ChuraChura at 9:29 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm truly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
posted by mmmbacon at 9:30 AM on May 17, 2012


Peace to you.

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posted by anya32 at 9:33 AM on May 17, 2012


Please accept our condolences, in the literal sense of shared sorrow. Your husband's MCA story in that obit thread immediately came to mind about how a well-told anecdote can say so much about what a person was truly like and the affect they can have on people whose lives they touch only tangentially. His posts here exemplified what makes Metafilter such an amazing place, whether about his best memories or his worst experiences. Your post, beautiful and tragic, adds to that. (As for anyone casting blame or aspersions IRL, they obviously need to hear your eulogy and read his posts.) Thank you for sharing so much of his life with us.
posted by Doktor Zed at 9:35 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm sorry for your loss. His comment in the packer thread was one of the saddest and most memorable on the site.
posted by drezdn at 9:35 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry this happened. Please hang out with us for a while if you feel the need.

Also: "If We Were Boxes"! My god that's hilarious. I laughed out loud.
posted by lholladay at 9:36 AM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


You are a strong, remarkable woman, and I'm so sorry your strong, remarkable man has gone. It's true, Metafilter is a place you can find a thousand true friends, and we are absolutely here for you, to cherish his memory and welcome every new day with you.... with snark, probably, but still.

If there is a way we can give to you our support further, please say.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:36 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


His Green Bay Packers story was one of the coolest things I have ever read.

I am very sorry for your loss.
posted by King Bee at 9:37 AM on May 17, 2012


He will truly be missed by many people here. While I am somewhat new to Metafilter myself, I recognized his username and I thank you for sharing his story with us. Please take care of yourself.

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posted by livinglearning at 9:42 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry to hear the news. What a wonderful tribute you have made for him! We were lucky to have him here while we did. :)

Be kind to yourself. It'll be tough. It IS tough. Be kind to yourself.

I, like many others, remember many of his stories. I even remember the BBQ question and was eager to see answers to pass along to my husband, the Grill Master of our house. Thank you so much for sharing and giving us this opportunity to share what we loved about him, too.
posted by jillithd at 9:43 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Condolences. Strength and peace to you.
posted by Decani at 9:47 AM on May 17, 2012


oh jesus no... I literally got a chill up my spine.

I was very glad for his contributions here, he provided a perspective I don't often run across in IRL.

My deepest, most sincere condolences.
posted by desjardins at 9:53 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by last night a dj saved my life at 9:57 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry to hear this. I never interacted with your husband directly on the site but was always eager to read his comments. Thank you for sharing with us.
posted by mlle valentine at 9:58 AM on May 17, 2012


Thankyou mrs holdkris99 for such a beautiful post. I join everyone else here offering my condolences and hugs and help if you need anything. He was a stand up chap and you are an absolute wonder.

I don't post a lot here, but I sure read a lot, and I could always tell when I was reading a holdkris99 comment. He had such a lovely conversational style to his writing. Reading his comments was as though we were sitting on the steps having a cup of tea, or at the bus stop, or waiting in line at the checkout and just having a chat. We were better for his contribution on this site, and I was always glad to see that he'd joined the fray.
posted by pymsical at 10:01 AM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


I read your beautiful, touching post late last night and recognized so many of the stories and comments you linked to. It was very hard to fall asleep when I felt so sad about you not having this wonderful man around any more. I loved his MCA story, even though I knew nothing about the Beastie Boys, to be honest, and the Green Bay Packers one. I remember reading the question about him feeling that he was responsible for the death of that young woman, and I even remember exactly where I was when I read it -- near the waterfall in the park near my apartment. Yes, he definitely was a great storyteller, and all-round good human being. I'm extremely sorry for your loss.
posted by peacheater at 10:01 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm crying at my kitchen table. mrs holdcriss99, Marc wasn't the only beautiful storyteller in your family. I am so sorry for the loss of such a lovely man. Heartfelt condolences to you and all who had the privilege of knowing him.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:04 AM on May 17, 2012 [7 favorites]


.

I am so deeply, deeply sorry for your loss. Your husband wrote beautifully and movingly about so many things, both painful and joyous, and I am grateful for having had the opportunity for even these glimpses of his thoughts and experiences.

Your post here ... this is one of the most beautiful tributes I have ever read, anywhere, to anyone. Your love for him shines through. Thank you for sharing it.

You are all in my thoughts. Please stay around MetaFilter, if you like. These are good people.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 10:06 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Thank you for sharing this heartfelt, intimate picture of Marc with us. I was just thinking last week about how much I appreciate his contributions here, and how much heart and compassion he brought to us. I know I have looked at his post titles and had a mental soundtrack going as I read the rest of his posts or questions.

Your stories warm my heart even through the pain of loss; I can see how close you two were, through all the pain and struggles you supported each other, and how much you loved and cherished each other. Love is strong as death.

Please take care of yourself, and know that in this hard time our hearts go out to you. The Black Dog/Bruce may call to you as way to escape your grief; don't let them take you under, too. We're here to help you.
posted by sarahnade at 10:08 AM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Your husband's kindness and sense of humor definitely translated through his posts. I recognize so many of his comments and questions (one's you've linked here and ones that I've now gone back and re-read). He was so funny, sweet and thoughtful. Thank you so much for writing this meta. What you've shared is remarkable and beautiful. Peace to you and stay strong.
posted by marimeko at 10:11 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you so much for making this post. It adds so much more to the internet persona whose comments I always love to read. I could see the linked posts coming up as I read your post and most were the alternate color - that I had already read them during a previous adventure of following his comments. So thoughtful and witty.

So much emotion right now for two people I've never met.

My heart breaks for you both.
posted by Big_B at 10:13 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by Hairy Lobster at 10:17 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh, hell. I'm so sorry. Thank you for posting this here and sharing Marc's story with our community.

Peace and strength to you and yours that now have an empty space in their lives.
posted by Ufez Jones at 10:18 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so, so sorry.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:19 AM on May 17, 2012


Oh man, just re-reading parts of this thread just now, and I'm bawling again. He was a great contributor to this site, and sounds like a really special person to know.

My heart aches--for you, for the kids, for his friends, for everyone whose lives he touched. For us, too; Metafilter will be worse for his absence.

Hopefully he's at peace with the leprechauns in the trees, sending love on down from above. So sorry again for your loss.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:19 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Big_B: "Thank you so much for making this post. It adds so much more to the internet persona whose comments I always love to read. I could see the linked posts coming up as I read your post and most were the alternate color - that I had already read them during a previous adventure of following his comments."

Exactly. Thank you for sharing Marc with us all, and I wish you all the strength and support you need, and I hope you will lean on all of us if we can help.

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posted by Rock Steady at 10:20 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so, so sorry. Thank you so much for taking the time to post this and share your love and grief and joy and pain with us.

Like many of the posters, I vividly remember so many of the comments you linked to above. I wonder if your husband had any idea of the impact he has had on so many people and how his story has become part of our stories.

Condolences just doesn't begin to describe the grief we all feel with you.

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posted by widdershins at 10:21 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry, he will be missed.

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posted by blueberrypicasso at 10:23 AM on May 17, 2012


This hits close to home for several reasons.

I grieve with you.
posted by Trurl at 10:25 AM on May 17, 2012


Thank you for sharing your story, mrs holdkris99. I am so sorry for you, for your loss. We will miss Marc.
posted by found missing at 10:25 AM on May 17, 2012


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I really enjoyed holdkris99's contributions; they were always so smart and compassionate.
I am so, so sorry.
posted by changeling at 10:27 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by oomny at 10:29 AM on May 17, 2012


So extremely sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
posted by sonika at 10:30 AM on May 17, 2012


What a beautiful tribute. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:31 AM on May 17, 2012


My heart aches for you and for him right now. As others have mentioned, I kept having the "oh, that's him" realization as I read your words. He was a remarkable person, and I'm so very sorry that he's no longer here.
posted by Lexica at 10:32 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


There are few words. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by IvoShandor at 10:35 AM on May 17, 2012


Marc's decency and kindness shone through in so many ways here, not just in the stories he told (although his stories were amazing), but also in his conversations with other MeFites. I still remember a question he had asked -- on the blue, not the green -- about some point of law. I was fairly recently graduated from law school, and had that new graduate's affliction of Knowing a Few Points of Law and Wanting to Talk About Them a Lot. Of course, tone is a tricky thing to convey in writing, and after I hit "post," I realized that in my enthusiasm to communicate a lot of information quickly, I sounded a bit snippy. More than a bit, actually. I sounded like a mean, hectoring know-it-all. Marc would have had every right to tell me to piss off and take my attitude with me, but instead he thanked me for explaining the law in a way that made sense, and referred back to it later in another comment. He was so much nicer to me than I deserved, and I'll never forget that.

This is what always struck me about his comments and his AskMe questions. (His question about the young woman who was murdered still leaves me awestruck.) He was never interested in a fight, or in one-upmanship. He was genuinely curious, decent, sharing, and kind, so kind. And we could tell that he loved you like mad.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. But I'm so glad that you and Marc found each other, and brought each other joy and laughter and deep love. Thank you for coming to us. Please stay if you feel up to it.

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posted by bakerina at 10:35 AM on May 17, 2012 [8 favorites]


There's no words for how sorry I am for your loss.
posted by jamaro at 10:36 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so very sorry. Thank you for sharing this.
posted by not.so.hip at 10:37 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Kwine at 10:46 AM on May 17, 2012


I am very, very, sorry for your loss, Ma'am. Please accept my sincere condolences.
posted by ob1quixote at 10:47 AM on May 17, 2012


I was never one to associate posts with usernames, but I immediately recognized the linked threads. Each of those comments and questions inspire me to contribute in the same caring and heartfelt way.

Despite what others may say, know that Marc had a tremendous impact in the lives of hundreds, if not thousands, and that many knew him to be a warm and decent individual who truly thought about others and really, really cared. It's easy for people to shut themselves off from the world if they had the experiences you and Marc had; I think it's a shining example of how someone can actually make a difference, given the way Marc chose to treat others.

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posted by CancerMan at 10:47 AM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I want to add my voice to the many others before who have also said it: Marc made a huge impact on my Metafilter radar in the last few months. His comments and his stories were things that genuinely stuck with me in the real world.

You've got the deepest condolences of thousands of us. We're truly sorry for the pain he was going through, and truly sorry for your loss.

And like many others have said before me, don't hesitate to contact anyone here to talk about things or ask for support or just ask for a shoulder or an ear. Just click on that little envelope icon in the upper right of your screen. We're truly, truly here for you.

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posted by barnacles at 10:47 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm gutted reading this. I don't know you at all, but I feel like I lost a friend. My heart goes out to you and yours. I will do something nice and good in his memory, and for you. Thank you for sharing with all of us. There is incredible power, beauty and strength in his story, and yours -- awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping strength.
posted by pazazygeek at 10:49 AM on May 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


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posted by saturnine at 10:51 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by keever at 10:52 AM on May 17, 2012


I recognized his username immediately; I drew him for Secret Quonsar last year.

I dearly hope this isn't inappropriate, and please somebody delete if it is, but I thought his likes and dislikes were funny and charming, and knowing a bit more about him, very true to who he was:

likes: science, The Beatles, Parks and Rec, American Spirit Cigarettes, Denis Johnson (to be fair, for this list I just kind of looked around my work space and typed things that I saw - i do like a good surprise)

dislikes: tiny dogs in bags and the people that carry them, my step-mom, creationists, glue sticks, whole grain white bread


I sent him a pinhole camera, but I was sorely tempted to slip a few glue sticks into the package.

So very sorry for your loss; he will be missed around here.

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posted by jeoc at 10:53 AM on May 17, 2012 [28 favorites]


Oh man, I'm with jeoc, I recalled his username instantly.

I am so, so very sorry.
posted by The Whelk at 11:06 AM on May 17, 2012


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God, I"m so sorry for your loss.
posted by notsnot at 11:08 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by MsLgean at 11:10 AM on May 17, 2012


Peace be with you, mrs holdkris. Your husband was a good man. Today we grieve with you.
posted by msali at 11:10 AM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sitting here at work preparing myself to go the funeral home for a long-time friend and colleague and this was just too much for me, please forgive me for not being able to finish reading your wonderful post.
posted by tommasz at 11:12 AM on May 17, 2012


Like scody, for me you and Marc were the last thing I thought about last night and the first thing I thought about this morning. My initial comment in this thread merely expressed my shock and sadness—now I find that I have more to say.

I am a great believer in the power of words. On the internet, where those words are often memes or jokes, or snark for the sake of snarking, it can sometimes seem that words have been devalued. There are times when I have asked myself why I spend so much time reading and writing here on Metafilter, making jokes about lobster and lederhosen, or rehashing William Carlos Williams' poem "This is Just to Say" for the millionth time.

But then, inevitably, comes someone who — just through their words! — changes my life. Some people have lifelong love affairs with philosophers like Emerson and Thoreau. My philosophers have names like BitterOldPunk and scody and woodblock100 and Eyebrows McGee and on and on and on. The members of this site have taught me more about how to live, and how to deal with my own imperfections, than I can ever express.

In the past several months, I had added holdkris99 to my list of everyday philosophers. In particular, I had come to appreciate his AskMe questions, which revealed his desire to be good to others, even when they maligned him, misunderstood him, or failed to respond to his good works. Too often, in such situations, instead of asking how I could be kind and understanding in dealing with such people, my instinct is to make a victim of myself and dwell in self-pity. I was beginning to notice the way that Marc looked for help in such situations without ever once resorting to wallowing, and asking myself how I could do the same.

The words he wrote here have left a legacy. I'm sure many others can tell you that his words affected them, too, in other ways. This is what they have done for me.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:15 AM on May 17, 2012 [45 favorites]


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posted by Kadin2048 at 11:16 AM on May 17, 2012


He will be missed.

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posted by fiercecupcake at 11:18 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by yaymukund at 11:20 AM on May 17, 2012


He took the court that Saturday morning at the YMCA and went Kobe on their asses and dropped 36 points. He was a beast that day. Grabbing boards. Blocking shots. Shooting 3's. He fucking dominated...

I'm going to play Brass Monkey very loud while I try to stop crying. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by tigrefacile at 11:23 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I remember a lot of his questions, especially the one about his conversation with your father. He seemed like a really sweet guy, and it was clear that he cared deeply about how his actions affected those around him. He'll be missed everywhere.
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:24 AM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Oh my god, I am so, so sorry. Your post was beautiful. Please be kind to yourself, you seem like a deeply compassionate, smart, loving person.
posted by chowflap at 11:26 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by rumposinc at 11:26 AM on May 17, 2012


He was a valuable member of this community and we will miss him. I am so very sorry for your loss, and know that we'll be keeping you in our thoughts. And we're here for you, too. Please come back if you find it at all helpful or comforting.

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posted by smirkette at 11:27 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't recognize his name, but then I saw the stories and remembered. The Packers one especially, it was such a great story of the abstract emotional connections we make to the world around us. I know that writing all of that must have been hard for you — how hard, I can barely imagine. But thank you.

I can only hope that when I go, someone who loves me as much as you loved Marc remembers me. I don't really believe in God anymore, or religion, so that's about the best I can hope for. And I guess this thread should have made clear that we remember him too, and will miss him. If there's anything I can do, just let me know.

(Kind of glad that I'm alone in the house, so I can just bawl.)
posted by klangklangston at 11:30 AM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]



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posted by audi alteram partem at 11:30 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by tilde at 11:31 AM on May 17, 2012


I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for your post.
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posted by ionized at 11:35 AM on May 17, 2012


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So incredibly sorry for your loss, and the way it happened.

I'm touched by the way you've described your husband's life and what you've shared about your relationship with him. I'd say for all the troubles of his life, he was a lucky man to have had the wife and the marriage he did. Clearly he loved you very much, and did his best, right to the end, to protect you and care for you as far as he could.

Thank you for sharing this with us.
posted by philipy at 11:36 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am very sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing this (impressively written) sad story. What a great place this is.
posted by Namlit at 11:42 AM on May 17, 2012


As so many others have said, this was a beautiful and touching tribute.
Thank you very much, and I am so very sorry for your loss.
posted by Kpele at 11:43 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by blacktshirtandjeans at 11:44 AM on May 17, 2012


Thank you so much for the grace and generosity of your remembrance of your husband, and I am so sorry for your loss. Count me as yet another person who has been touched by Marc's words here on Metafilter. He will be missed.
posted by yasaman at 11:45 AM on May 17, 2012


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Jesus, that is so sad. Please stay and become a part of metafilter.
posted by marienbad at 11:46 AM on May 17, 2012


Please know that there are literally thousands of people here who have you in their hearts.

And thank you for sharing this post and your thoughts with us. If you ever care to come back, we are here for you.
posted by infini at 11:49 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm new here, but it's made my life a little better just reading about Marc. What a loss. Thank you for the post.

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posted by Golden Eternity at 11:51 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss. I remember most of those posts. He will be missed.

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posted by patheral at 11:51 AM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry. Marc's contributions to MetaFilter were always thoughtful, heartfelt, and brave. I didn't know him, but feel that I did. The Green Bay Packers story is one of the best comments in this site's history -- it had me smiling through tears. I read it aloud to my wife and she had the same reaction.

I wish I could offer more than words of consolation. Know that he was loved, and you are loved, and you both are in my thoughts.

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posted by BitterOldPunk at 11:52 AM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


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posted by iamkimiam at 11:54 AM on May 17, 2012


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posted by emilyw at 11:57 AM on May 17, 2012


mrs holdkris99 - you have said that MetaFilter meant a great deal to Marc; you should know that Marc meant a great deal to MetaFilter. If you go to the main page, and look to the right, there is a column called the "sideblog." The sideblog is where the moderators of post links to comments that are so interesting, or funny, or in some other way deserving of the attention of the entire membership, and not just the people who are already reading the post where the comment lives. Considering just how many comments are made on MetaFilter every day (on "the blue" and on "the green" and on "the gray,"), ending up on the sideblog is quite the achievement.

If you scroll down to May 4, you'll see:
"I took the court that Saturday morning at the YMCA and went Kobe on their asses and dropped 36 points. I was a beast that day."
So many people noted his MCA story as a "favorite" that it merited a place in the sideblog, because so many of us found Marc's story to be just that good.

Marc will always be a part of MetaFilter.
posted by tzikeh at 12:00 PM on May 17, 2012 [10 favorites]


I was just reading through his comments again, the ones I've read before and the ones I'm seeing for the first time. I am so enraged that we lost this person. I feel furious about everything he had to go through, the way people treated someone who was so caring, kind and good. That we had to lose someone like this. Rage, rage, rage.
posted by cairdeas at 12:03 PM on May 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


Your post touched me deeply. I haven't really been on MeFi for some time, though it is the community I turn to when I want sound advice or want to be astounded by the world. My son (or perhaps his gf lurking in his name) posted a link to this thread and so I read. And read, and read. Please do not feel you have to apologize for the length--to an extent, that's what the Gray is for, and you asked jessamyn for advice (as many others do and have done, self included).

If there is one takeaway from your tragedy, the people who have responded upthread that you can lean on them truly mean it. Really. My son was blessed (in a completely non theistic meaning) by being a "presence" here on MeFi, and when he had a bad accident, it was this community that got him back on his feet, literally, and through that, I have made friends that for the most part I have never met who all stand 10 feet tall. And we are all envious of The Whelk.

You and Marc had years of love that many people never get a fraction of. That can be of little consolation at the moment; having lost my best friend (save for his sister who is my wife) a few years ago, my experience is that the good times will always be with you and the bad times will recede.

My sincere condolences.
posted by beelzbubba at 12:11 PM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


goddamit.
my sincerest condolences. Be strong, gather love around you.
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posted by From Bklyn at 12:14 PM on May 17, 2012


He was a good one. I am sorry to hear of his struggles, and I am very sorry to hear that it ended like this. What pain you must be feeling -- I hope that you can find your way through it soon. If you're ever looking for advice on that or anything else, we're here.
posted by Scientist at 12:14 PM on May 17, 2012


It must be true that writers marry writers. Your eulogy is beautiful, a perfect witness of the man you love.
This must have been very difficult for you to do. I hope doing so brings some measure of comfort.
posted by SLC Mom at 12:20 PM on May 17, 2012 [6 favorites]


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posted by growabrain at 12:25 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by jph at 12:27 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss and you have my deepest sympathy and condolences.
posted by marxchivist at 12:35 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by calico at 12:39 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so, so sorry. I am yet another who really liked his contributions to ask.me, and who will miss his compassion, humor, and honesty. Big huge hugs to you.
posted by min at 12:39 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by lovableiago at 12:40 PM on May 17, 2012


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"There but for the grace of '?" go I."

Thank-you - I don't think his posts/comments and mine ever crossed trails, but he was one of the people that make this place special - and so are you.

(... at work, crying for someone I have never met, but would have identified with instantly ...)
posted by jkaczor at 12:41 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so, so sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you had each other for as long as you did, and I hope you have good people around you right now to help get you through this. We're always here if you need us, okay?
posted by palomar at 12:52 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by St. Sorryass at 1:07 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss, mrs holdkris99.

I haven't been around here very long, but like many others who've commented, his name was one of those I quickly grew to recognize. He will be missed.
posted by snorkmaiden at 1:10 PM on May 17, 2012


So sorry. Peace be with you.
posted by 4ster at 1:11 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by radwolf76 at 1:11 PM on May 17, 2012


My condolences to you and Marc's children.

My own brand of spirituality makes me think he's up there with MCA, and the woman who was murdered has already come up to him to tell him it wasn't his fault.

Lots of love and positive energy to us all here.
posted by luckynerd at 1:14 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by holgate at 1:16 PM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you, his kids, your friends and everyone he touched with his stories. I really enjoyed his post about Willie's new album. My husband and I sat around that evening talking about Willie Nelson. That was so nice. Thanks for that. Such a little thing. But we had a nice evening together because of that post. He had more social grace than he will ever know: helping two tired people enjoy music together after work. Thank you so much for sharing and take care. There's love in this thread for you and him. As you go forward in life know that he and you are loved.
posted by dog food sugar at 1:19 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by lorbus at 1:20 PM on May 17, 2012


I've been thinking about the two of you, and the rest of your family, ever since I saw this in the morning, and came back here to read more of this thread, plus others Marc contributed to that I'd missed. Thank you so much for the lovely tribute you wrote. It is good to know that with all the things Marc had to deal with-- and he did it with such grace-- that he had someone who really saw him, the way you did. It was no less than he deserved, but still very fortunate. All the very, very best to you.
posted by BibiRose at 1:30 PM on May 17, 2012


I looked for his comments; he added an amazing perspective. He is one of the mefites I've brought up in my real world conversations.

Your eulogy is perfect. Thank you so much for sharing.

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posted by skrozidile at 1:30 PM on May 17, 2012


May the healing process be shorter than you fear.

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posted by Mooski at 1:32 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am so, so sorry. Like others, I recognize all of those posts, and remember thinking what a remarkable human being must have been behind them. It's clear, both from his comments and yours, that you two were also remarkable together, and I'm grateful to you for sharing some of your memories here. Even if they did make me weep.

So many hugs to you and yours.
posted by dizziest at 1:34 PM on May 17, 2012


That Packers story made this Wisconsinite weep when it first appeared, as did your wonderful tribute to such a remarkably compassionate and honest man. I'm so sorry, mrs holdchris99, and wish you peace.

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posted by carmicha at 1:36 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm so so sorry for your loss. It wasn't until I read your beautiful post and clicked through to his profile that I realized I remembered many of his questions and comments. He has a wonderful online "voice" and the world is so much poorer for having lost him.
posted by MsMolly at 1:36 PM on May 17, 2012


The thing that stood out to me about your husband, that was crystal clear above all else, was his sweetness, his kind heart, his absolute compassion for others. Thank you for sharing his story with us. I have no words for what you've lost... I'm so sorry.
posted by keep it under cover at 1:37 PM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


I am so sorry for your loss.
posted by jeather at 1:42 PM on May 17, 2012


I recently lost a dear friend to suicide; until then, I hadn't realized that this was a shadow with which I had no familiarity.

Now I do, and it sucks. Disease, misfortune, and violence claim lives, and while those tragedies aren't any lesser, I at least understood how they worked upon survivors. Those tragedies seem to have answers embedded (at least, if the cause is known). Suicide only leaves questions.

My heart goes out to you.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:47 PM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Your writing here is a testament to what a great man he was, and how much you two meant to each other. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss - your pain is evident. He sounds like a wonderful person.

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posted by hepta at 1:48 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Since I didn't see anyone explain it upthread, it's a convention here that you post a . as a remembrance of someone. I never realized until today that it's also to show support and affection when you can't find the right words. I'm so sorry.

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posted by holyrood at 1:58 PM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


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Take care of yourself, please. I can't imagine the pain you feel, but I send my love.
posted by Stewriffic at 1:58 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so very sorry. Thank you so much for sharing your husband with us, both through this post and in his time spent on the site. I sincerely hope you'll decide to stay an active member.
posted by donnagirl at 2:00 PM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


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I'm so sorry. Be kind to yourself during all of this.
posted by cmyk at 2:06 PM on May 17, 2012


Such sad news, thank you for taking time to share it with us, and so movingly. I am so sorry, and will miss holdkris99.
posted by trip and a half at 2:08 PM on May 17, 2012


My sincere condolences for your loss. My best wishes during this painful time for you and the rest of the family, especially his children. As others have said, if there is anything I can do to help, let me know.
posted by I am the Walrus at 2:11 PM on May 17, 2012


mrs holdkris99, my heart is twice broken this morning. Your beautiful eulogy was nearly too much to bear, but your follow up comment, "I have been getting it from all sides these past few days, my mom blaming the fact the he didn't believe in God, his mom blaming me..." - This is simply too much.

Please do not listen to those people. Please. They are in pain, too, and they feel the need to lash out to deflect their own self-apportioned shame. But this was Marc's decision. It wasn't about them. Not really. And it wasn't about you, either.

My past is about as different from Marc's as one can get, but I know a few things about suicidal ideation. More than a few, to be honest. I would keep these thoughts to myself if you weren't under attack by those around you, but if even a moment of guilt or doubt can be avoided, I feel like I have to say what's on my mind.

Marc chose to leave when he was still strong. When he hadn't given in to the constant looming darkness. He chose to leave when you would always remember him as the strong and loving and happy husband you knew him to be. He didn't want to leave you, but more than that, he didn't want to leave you with memories tainted by backsliding and recrimination. He didn't want to risk taking you to those dark places with him. He wanted to leave while he was still the man he most wanted to be. A beloved husband, father, friend to all - not a burden.

Marc chose to leave when you were away, and when he knew somebody else would find him. He chose to leave in the most quiet, peaceful, least violent way possible. With beautiful music playing. I know how hard this might be to understand, but to me these choices couldn't be more clear. Marc was at peace when he left. It was a sad kind of peace, I think, but still possibly the most peaceful he had ever been. Not because he was leaving, but because he was leaving on his own terms, undefeated, with nothing but love left for the world.

Marc loved you. He wanted nothing but the best for you. Never feel a moment of guilt or doubt. You gave his life meaning, and love, and beauty. The choice Marc made he made for himself, but the peace he felt as he fell asleep - that peace was the love you gave him.

If I were a praying man, I'd pray to feel that love when I go.

Thank you for sharing Marc with us. He will be missed here far more than I think he would ever have imagined. But you also have a home here, now, mrs holdkris99. Please visit often.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:14 PM on May 17, 2012 [152 favorites]


I love that Packers story. And the MCA story. And the wedding stories. He had a real way with words--and from this post you do too. Thank you for sharing Marc with this corner of the world. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by K.P. at 2:17 PM on May 17, 2012


So many others here have said what I've been thinking, and in so many better ways. Reading this post I didn't realize how many contributions to the site that your wonderful Marc had made that I was familiar with; scrolling down and seeing the links that I'd already clicked on and read was like putting together a heartbreaking little puzzle. So many hugs to you and yours.


Thank you so much for sharing Marc with us.

.

I would totally buy a 'what would scody say?' shirt. Especially to help out mrs holdkris. Just sayin'.
posted by alynnk at 2:19 PM on May 17, 2012 [8 favorites]


I loved his story about meeting mca. Its brought me a little bit of joy every time I've remembered it. I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sorry for your loss.

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posted by Reverend John at 2:22 PM on May 17, 2012


Thank you for sharing that (and him) with us. Though I love Metafilter, I'm very bad at associating user names with people I've never met, but there was much about his history (personal and posting) that stuck out to me as both similar and different, so he always did.

I do hope you'll stick around here if you can. You'll definitely be in my thoughts-that-pass-for-prayers.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:23 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Honorable John at 2:30 PM on May 17, 2012


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So sorry for your loss. Normally I can't bear to read this sort of thing (cuts too close) but my birthday is May 12, my name is Marc, and I have four sisters, so I was drawn in. Your Marc seems like he was a genuinely good guy. Please take care and know that we're keeping you in our thoughts.
posted by circular at 2:34 PM on May 17, 2012


He added a lot to this community for me, and for a lot of people here.

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I'm really sorry for your loss.
posted by k8lin at 2:36 PM on May 17, 2012


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I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 2:40 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by The Michael The at 2:41 PM on May 17, 2012


I remember reading nearly everything Marc wrote on this site after he posted on the Green Bay Packer's thread. I was really struck at the time by how insightful, full of compassion, brilliant without a hint of pretension, and deeply funny he was.

I kept track of him from that time onward and was always glad to read someone whose comments dripped with understanding and caring for others, had zero bullshit, and were loaded with unique ideas. Not to mention the consistent hilarity.

I'm really gonna miss reading more from him, and really appreciate you sharing your remembrance.

I know what it's like to lose someone you love more than anyone b/c they can't stand the suffering anymore. If you're like me, it will be the hardest thing you ever get hit with and life simply won't be the same afterwards. I'm five years on and climbing out of it, though, and encourage you not to lose hope along the way.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 2:43 PM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Thank you so much for sharing this. I always liked to read what your husband wrote and I am so sorry for all of this. All my good thoughts to you and your family.
posted by but no cigar at 2:45 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


The Packers story is one of the most kind and personally heroic things I've ever read, and the MCA story made me want to cheer. I don't tend to pay attention to usernames, so I never realized what a treasure was on this site until today.

You write amazingly. Thank you so much for sharing him with us. Take care.
posted by casarkos at 2:56 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


mrs holdkris99: "I have been getting it from all sides these past few days, my mom blaming the fact the he didn't believe in God, his mom blaming me..."

Clearly, this is not your fault and I hope you don't need us to tell you that. But, as hard as it might be, try to forgive them by remembering that they have lost someone too and they are also hurting. Sometimes people respond to hurt by trying to figure out why things happen and sometimes that ends up resulting in the closest person being blamed. I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child (no matter how old they are, they're still children to their parents). Hopefully they will move on to an understanding that things like this sometimes just are and there's no need to blame anyone. But that's their journey to take and you have your own journey ahead. Be strong.
posted by dg at 2:59 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


This is a sad but great story that I put off cooking dinner to read. My condolences go to you and your family.

Be well, and please take care,

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posted by JoeXIII007 at 2:59 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry to hear this, and thankful for your post.

I'm sure it's been said upthread, but he left a lot of great stories here and I'm sure I'm not the only one who will look back on them fondly.
posted by snofoam at 3:00 PM on May 17, 2012


Marc's openness and honesty about his addiction struggle were hugely inspirational for me. I'm so sorry for your loss, and so grateful that you came here to tell us more about him.
posted by bewilderbeast at 3:01 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by charmcityblues at 3:02 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by donovan at 3:08 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by By The Grace of God at 3:11 PM on May 17, 2012


Clearly, this is not your fault and I hope you don't need us to tell you that. But, as hard as it might be, try to forgive them by remembering that they have lost someone too and they are also hurting. Sometimes people respond to hurt by trying to figure out why things happen and sometimes that ends up resulting in the closest person being blamed.

This is such good insight. I'm so angry and hurt on your behalf that your moms are laying blame in this time of grief, but it is so true that they are lashing out because they are in pain, too, and don't know what to do with that pain. It is tragic all around. It reminded me of some lines from the Beastie Boys' "Bodhisattva Vow," which -- appropriately enough, on several levels -- came on the ol' ipod this morning:
If others disrespect me and give me flack
I'll stop and think before I react
Knowing that they're going through insecure stages
I'll take the opportunity to exercise patience

I'll see it as a chance to help the other person
Nip it in the bud before it can worsen
A chance for me to be strong and sure
As I think on the Buddhas who have come before
I don't know if I could manage to do that in the situation you're in, but in my own non-religious, non-afterlife-believing way, I like to think that in this way, MCA is pulling for you and for Marc.
posted by scody at 3:17 PM on May 17, 2012 [41 favorites]


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posted by curse at 3:24 PM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry.
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posted by bwonder2 at 3:30 PM on May 17, 2012


I posted an answer in his AskMe when he felt he had contributed to that young women's death. At the time, I thought how sensitive he must be in his navigation through this tough world. I'm so sorry for your loss, and ours.
posted by raisingsand at 3:30 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I barely know anything about American football, but because I don't have any existing allegiances I'm going to adopt the Green Bay Packers as my team, as a small token in Marc's memory. Officially, though, the reason will be "because they've always been my team or something like that, something real generic like that."
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:34 PM on May 17, 2012 [12 favorites]


Mrs holdkris99, words can't express how deeply sorry I am for your loss; my heart goes out to you. Count me among all those here who will miss your husband's words that he gave such soul to in his writings here, his strong character shining through.

Wishing you gentle strength and peace. I hope the love you shared with Marc brings you comfort.

I tried to read your amazingly well fit tribute four times earlier at work and just couldn't make it through for crying too hard; I still can't find the words I need, but at least I'm only bawling at home. Please let us know if there anything we can do for you or in Marc's memory.
posted by vers at 3:45 PM on May 17, 2012


My deepest condolences. Reading what you wrote and how well you understood him makes me very glad that he got to experience your love. If it were humanly possible to make up for such a crappy childhood your presence in his life would have more than sufficed.

Both the Packers story and The MCA story were really great and touching, and I know he's dropped a couple of other gems over the years. I would have loved to hear more about running a bookstore in Texas for example, although I'm sure that can be a bittersweet reflection. I hope he felt supported by Mefites, and I wish I'd gotten the opportunity to know him in person; the courage and intimacy with which he commented made it abundantly clear that he's a good person.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:48 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


mrs holdkris99, I'm sorry. This is heartbreaking. I'm going to miss your husband so much. I always recognized his name when I saw it because he had a sort of vibrancy and life to him that was obviously always on. After reading his comments it was because of that quality that he became one of those people that I look to in those times when I feel far from myself and from my emotions, and after reading how he had kicked meth I admired him even more, and pretty much thereafter I was always subconsciously rooting for him whenever I saw a comment of his, even for mundane stuff like saying a video was good or something. So I guess I kind of had a bit of a mancrush on your husband.

Anyway, I guess that's all, from this internet stranger. Please take care.
posted by invitapriore at 3:48 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by col_pogo at 3:49 PM on May 17, 2012


mrs holdkris99, the love and regard you and Marc had for each other is shining and beautiful through both your posts and his, and a wonderful legacy to leave in this tiny corner of the internet that held him in such high regard. Thank you so much for sharing your memories and stories with the same style and generosity of spirit as Marc did. I'm deeply honoured to have merited a mention from your husband. Please know you have a whole community of people here who will do whatever we can for you, and that we really, truly, actually mean that.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:55 PM on May 17, 2012 [7 favorites]


I am so sorry.

The people who are judging you are bad people. I'm sorry for that too.
posted by aramaic at 4:05 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I hadn't yet made the connection between all of his contributions and his username. If I had, I think he'd have been my favorite mefite. I seem to have caught and appreciated a large proportion of his posts and comments without realizing it was all him.

I'm sorry for you, and I'm sorry for him and his pain. Thank you for telling us.

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posted by cmoj at 4:10 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm sorry for your loss.

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posted by kbanas at 4:15 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so, so very sorry that this happened. Your rememberance of Marc is beautiful and I'm glad to have read it. Last summer, I lost someone who I loved very much to suicide and in time, it came to be a great comfort to share her memory with people so that they would know about her too. Because afterlife or no (and who really knows), what we can say about those that pass is that in a very real sense, they continue on as part of peoples' memories, they continue to have an impact on the world and peoples' real lives when their story is shared and recalled.

I don't know if this will mean much to you, but it helped me move forward to know that some of my lost loved one's vital force would remain a force in this world, where ever else the rest of her may have gone. Some of Marc is with you still, and with everyone who will carry his story with them.

For days after Marc shared it, I was telling people his MCA story. When I read it for the first time, I actually clapped a bit by reflex when I got to the payoff. I didn't click into the question, but I chuckled when I saw his AskMe soliciting complicated grilling projects. He seemed like my kind of guy and the story you tell of him makes me think that all the more. I hope you're being easy and taking good care of yourself right now (or, allowing those that love you to take good care of you). I hope you understand that you couldn't have caught this or that clue and you couldn't have done a single thing about him reaching this decision that he made. I hope you'll not listen to a single word of blame from those who would take their grief out on you. I hope that you'll reach out to us if things become too much for you as you go through this. I've come to know that there are many kind people on Metafilter and they will try their best to help you if you tell them that you're hurting.

You're in our thoughts. Please be well and please reach out when you are not. What little I have been fortunate enough to know about Marc, I will remember. Reckon I'm not unique in that respect today. Reckon that many of us intend to keep his story with us.
posted by EatTheWeak at 4:22 PM on May 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for coming here to tell us, that must have been hard to do.

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posted by FishBike at 4:23 PM on May 17, 2012


Also, please let us know if there is anything that those of us who wish to can do to help Marc's kids.
posted by cairdeas at 4:24 PM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Oh no. I'm only just reading this now. So many other people have already mentioned everything I'd like to say.

But I'd like to repeat this:

Marc wasn't the only beautiful storyteller in your family

and to remind you, as others have said, that you're among friends here. We will be there for you in whatever ways we can.
posted by tangerine at 4:26 PM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Marc's Little Granny post made me cry and smile at the same time, but also made me go through more of his writings here, which sealed him in my brain as "a good egg."

Love and strength to you in your dark time. I hope that you stay with us and let us know how you're doing and if we can help.
posted by ladygypsy at 4:27 PM on May 17, 2012


What It's Raining Florence Henderson had to say seemed to me to be the wisest words of all from among the many, many heartfelt postings here. I just wanted to say that I second his thoughts, and wanted to be sure that you saw his post. Hope that's okay.
posted by marsha56 at 4:30 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by paulg at 4:32 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by spanishbombs at 4:43 PM on May 17, 2012


I loved Marc's contributions to the site. I'm sorry he felt he couldn't fight any longer, but he left an amazing legacy. I thank him for it.

It's clear he was a beautiful person, and reading your eulogy, you are a beautiful person, too. I was heartbroken by the end of your post but wanted to read more about Marc, and you, and the people in your lives. As empath said, if anyone even comes close to remembering me as you do Marc, my life will not have been wasted.

And as someone who recently has revisited some kind-of-dark mental spaces, listen to It's Raining Florence Henderson, who know of what he speaks.

Peace to you and your family. Do not hesitate to ask us for help, there will be a queue. And rightly so.
posted by maxwelton at 4:50 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Words desert me. I hope he found some measure of peace. It sounds as though he was still struggling with his addiction at the end, and as someone who struggled as well, that breaks my heart. Please be kind to yourself in the coming days and weeks, and seek out hugs where you can find them. I'd hug you if I could, and speak a platitude like "it's going to be alright," because again - words fail me at times like this.
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:03 PM on May 17, 2012


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I am so sorry, so, so sorry.
posted by mwhybark at 5:05 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Rapunzel1111 at 5:09 PM on May 17, 2012


So sorry for your loss.
posted by TwoWordReview at 5:15 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by CautionToTheWind at 5:17 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by carter at 5:19 PM on May 17, 2012


MeFi is a lesser place without holdkriss99 as a member. I hope he is at peace.
posted by deborah at 5:27 PM on May 17, 2012


Fuck. I should say the world is a lesser place. You are in my thoughts mrs. holdkriss88.
posted by deborah at 5:29 PM on May 17, 2012


I will never forget reading this. (From where I sit now, it feels like I won't even be able to stop thinking about it. )

Thank you so so so much for sharing. I hope you and your loved ones are able to care for each other during this terrible time.
posted by hermitosis at 5:31 PM on May 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


I am so terribly sorry, Mrs. holdkriss88.

I am sure other people have said this, but please know you will be a very welcome member of the MeFi community any time you care to participate in any of our doings. You're one of us now.
posted by orange swan at 5:34 PM on May 17, 2012


Oh gosh, how awful.

I am by no means a heavy user of the site, so I don't have many usernames memorized, but looking at his past activity today, over and over I recognized comments and posts I had read and thought about and enjoyed. Even just in the last two weeks.

I am so sorry for your loss, he will be missed by many.
posted by janerica at 5:35 PM on May 17, 2012


My heart breaks for you. It has been said multiple times, but it bears repeating - you have many people here who are available at a moment to help ease your grief. Count me among them. I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 5:42 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


My sincere condolences, I'm so sorry. What a moving tribute. Thank you for sharing it. Be strong.
posted by spitbull at 5:47 PM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 5:50 PM on May 17, 2012


So, so sorry. These can't be said enough:

Please know that there are literally thousands of people here who have you in their hearts.
and
Please stick around if you'd like to.
posted by Glinn at 5:53 PM on May 17, 2012


I am so very sorry for your loss and also profoundly touched by your comments here. Marc was very lucky to have you. I wish you the best.
posted by cranberry_nut at 5:59 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so very sorry for your loss, mrs holdkris99.

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posted by contrariwise at 6:03 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by vrakatar at 6:14 PM on May 17, 2012


I've been thinking about you all day. My heart has/is aching for you and your husband. Please know you're in our thoughts.

I'm so very sorry.
posted by Sweetmag at 6:17 PM on May 17, 2012


Thank you so much for sharing these memories with us, and you have my deepest condolences, mrs holdkris99. You are an incredible, thoughtful wife who's written an exceptional eulogy here, and you and your husband's "boxes" are so obviously full to the brim with love for each other, even now. My heart breaks for you. What a powerful, vivid story you've given us, a community of virtual strangers. Reading it (and everyone's comments) is humbling and a testament to the kind of person Marc was, and the impact he had on those around him. Truly, his life was a gift.

All I can give you is virtual hugs today, but maybe someday I'll be able to give you a real one. til then, please take care of yourself. I live in Dallas, so please reach out via MeMail if you need anything.

.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 6:18 PM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


I am so sorry for your loss.

Your post here is such a beautiful tribute, thank you for sharing so much with us.

When I looked at his profile I couldn't believe he "only" had 302 comments (on the blue) because so many of them were so memorable. When I got to the bottom of one of his great comments, I'd say to myself, "Yep, of course it's holdkris99." I'm glad you're going to share this with his children, and I hope they know how well-remembered he will be here.

Also his Packers story made me cry and kind-of like the Packers, and I'm a life-long Bears fan. I'll never see the Packers play again without thinking of that post.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:19 PM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


My god, I am so very sorry.

I remember Marc well, his posts were always interesting and thoughtful. There are some people who you can just tell are sensitive and kind souls from what they write. Marc was one of those people in my mind.

I wish you strength in the coming days, weeks, months and more. Please stick around here with us. You have a community of friends here.
posted by triggerfinger at 6:21 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am sorry that you, and all of us, have lost Marc. I saw this thread a few hours ago, and I struggled to put into words the experiences and feelings of some close family friends who have been in a similar situation. I still can't, but I think It's Raining Florence Henderson has put it better than I possibly could. Be strong, and know that what was done, was done from love, as it seemed to him at the time.
posted by Jakey at 6:23 PM on May 17, 2012


Heartbreaking stuff, so very sorry.
posted by karlos at 6:37 PM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry for your and your family's loss, and so moved by your post.

What you have shared here is profound, as was your husband's life. It feels like a true privilege that we've all had the chance to share in it.

I want you to know that part of my heart that has been numb for a very long time was opened up and lit aflame by reading and re-reading your and your husband's words all day today. I will not forget them.
posted by argonauta at 6:40 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Thank you for giving us a little more of Marc, and for introducing yourself.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:41 PM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


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posted by willpie at 6:50 PM on May 17, 2012


Thank you for sharing this with us. I had only recently become consciously aware of Marc as 'someone I should pay attention to on MeFi', but looking back I was surprised by just how many comments he had made which really spoke to me, and how many I had read and enjoyed in the past without taking note of the author. He will be missed by many here.

I hope you continue to hold the strength you displayed here in your post. Remember there is support here if you need it, both near and far.
posted by knapah at 6:53 PM on May 17, 2012


I loved reading your husband's questions, although I did not realize until you posted this that they were all posted by the same person. I read so many of them. I wish for you peace, and that soon you are able to think of Marc with more smiles than tears.
posted by Addlepated at 6:54 PM on May 17, 2012


So sorry for your loss. He was someone I was just beginning to notice and really like on Metafilter. I shared his MCA story with a bunch of people, and everybody thought it was one of the best things ever.

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posted by lord_wolf at 7:10 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your husband was a very empathetic and good egg.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 7:10 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by switchsonic at 7:21 PM on May 17, 2012


I don't really know what to say, but this totally shocked and saddened me. I really, really enjoyed and admired holdkris99's contributions. He always seemed like someone who had been through a lot but with a great deal of good humor and it seemed like he'd found peace in his relationship with mrsholdkris. Just so sorry about this.
posted by sweetkid at 7:27 PM on May 17, 2012


I never really liked/got the "period as a moment of silence" thing. Until today. I'm so sorry for your loss and I regret that I don't have more pretty words to convey that.

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posted by Weeping_angel at 7:30 PM on May 17, 2012


I hardly feel like there's anything more I can possibly add here, so I echo all the sentiments above in so many ways.

As someone who doesn't even have Bruce's phone number anymore but still hears his siren call nearly every week (10 years after breaking away from heavy use, 7 years after he last came to visit), I find echoes of myself in your husband's story. And find solace and healing in the story as you tell it.

Truly a powerful and monumental testament to this man. I'm so sorry for your loss, and wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better.

*much hugs*
posted by hippybear at 7:44 PM on May 17, 2012 [10 favorites]


Thank you for sharing. Thank you. Peace and love.

If, anything... just ask.
posted by shoesfullofdust at 7:45 PM on May 17, 2012


He was, and will remain, a delight.
posted by padraigin at 7:55 PM on May 17, 2012


Marc contributed so much to this community and was loved and respected. He will be missed. Much love and peace to you, thank you for sharing.

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posted by arcticseal at 8:11 PM on May 17, 2012


I have no words. I pray you understand how I feel for you, but I spent too much time typing this, and I can't figure out what I want to say.

I wish there was someway to help.

Sara is right. All words are inadequate.
posted by eriko at 8:26 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am so sorry to hear about this. The world is a poorer place without him.
posted by honeydew at 8:30 PM on May 17, 2012


Holdkris99's comments were just all kinds of awesomely thoughtful goodness with a side of funny. That must have been lovely to come home to. I'm so sorry you didn't have more time together.

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posted by anitanita at 8:32 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Isn't it amazing that there are literally hundreds of people all over the world who have been thinking of Marc and his loved ones all day...
posted by désoeuvrée at 8:36 PM on May 17, 2012 [8 favorites]


That was a beautiful and touching tribute. Thank you for sharing it with us.

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posted by Sparx at 8:36 PM on May 17, 2012


i'm so very sorry for you loss. i remember him very well.

thank you for sharing such a tragic, beautiful and poignant story.
i cannot imagine how difficult it was to write of all that beauty and sadness. it was very moving.


i hope we can keep you here and support you and become your extended metafilter family.

hugs and condolences from australia.
posted by taff at 8:37 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so, so sorry. Your eulogy illustrated what a wonderful human being Marc was.

In my culture, all family, friends and acquaintances come to the house with food, tea, tissues, more food, and stories. They take up daily tasks and help the grieving mourn, so that they don't have to be alone in such a terrible time. Please, if you would like, consider Metafilter such a house: there are hundreds of people here on MetaFilter who will mourn right along here with you, who would readily fill your house with love and good food and hot tea if they could (although some have stories!). I cannot hug you or cry with you from here, but know that you're in my thoughts and that of many other people.

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posted by Ashen at 8:38 PM on May 17, 2012 [15 favorites]


My sincere condolences to you and to the children. He was an incredible storyteller here in MetaFilter, with a wonderful sense of timing, and I'm sure he was an incredible storyteller in real life as well. The world is the poorer for his loss.

.

And to any Mefite out there thinking and contemplating and turning things over in their mind, please reach out. I know I am not alone in offering to listen to you and to help you.
posted by librarylis at 8:42 PM on May 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


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posted by fillsthepews at 8:53 PM on May 17, 2012


Oh, I am so sorry.
posted by sarcasticah at 8:59 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by GuyZero at 9:07 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss.

He had many posts and comments that I know and love. In particular, he posted this a few weeks ago, a story about a black hole swallowing a star, that I found immensely fascinating. I will miss his contributions.

My deepest condolences to you.
posted by HabeasCorpus at 9:13 PM on May 17, 2012


Please, if you would like, consider Metafilter such a house: there are hundreds of people here on MetaFilter who will mourn right along here with you

Yes, yes, all of this, yes.
posted by sweetkid at 9:13 PM on May 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


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posted by freshwater at 9:17 PM on May 17, 2012


I'm just another stranger who wishes my arms were long enough to hug you, but please know you and your family are loved and in our thoughts and prayers.
posted by Dr. Zira at 9:21 PM on May 17, 2012


.

Beautiful eulogy, thanks for sharing it with us.
I remember many of his posts and was very glad to see the resolution from your wedding. He will be missed.
posted by clearlydemon at 9:25 PM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss.

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posted by Cpt. The Mango at 9:32 PM on May 17, 2012


Something that just occurred to me — in the coming weeks and months (and years) there will be many practical and pragmatic things that will need to be dealt with.

There are a whole lot of people here on MeFi, with a wide range of experience, knowledge, and skills. When questions come up, whether about practical matters or emotional ones, I hope you'll think of MetaFilter (green or gray) as a resource.

There are many, many people here who think of him, and now you, with great affection.
posted by Lexica at 9:36 PM on May 17, 2012 [6 favorites]


This is a touching post about an amazing guy. Gone too soon. Very sad.

Weird getting to the end of the thread and there's just more new comments piling on top of the hundreds of others.

Bless you.

And thank you for posting this.
posted by bukvich at 9:37 PM on May 17, 2012


Thanks for your moving post.

Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
posted by feste at 9:38 PM on May 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I said no out loud when I saw this thread. I followed your husband's posts on this site like a lot of people here- I recognized his style and had started to get a sense of his history and personality, because they just shown from his writing. I remember thinking that he always seemed unbelievably decent, a good person despite everything he had been through (and even more now since there was so much I didn't know about until this thread). His kindness and concern for others, his goodness and humor and unique way of looking at the world, his realness were just so obvious on Metafilter that I can only imagine he was like that in person, and your words here make it seem like he was. He made me want to be a better, less selfish person.

I also followed your husband's posts on AskMe because some of his life experiences resonated with mine. I'm from the Dallas area and my dad was (is?) a meth addict through my high school years. I actually answered the question your husband posted asking for rehab help in DFW; I was 17 when I wrote that, and so bitter, looking back. Things are better now, and I'm so, so sorry your husband's kids didn't get the chance to, I don't know. I'm crying now.

Besides that, your husband just seemed like someone I'd love to meet. We have similar music taste, I'm a lifelong bathroom reader, I actually saw that square card with the Walt Whitman quote last week and almost bought it and sent it to my boyfriend. I think I'll do that tomorrow. I always hoped your husband would show up at a Dallas meetup sometime when I was home and I could meet the person behind his amazing stories.

I'm sorry to say so much about myself in a thread about your husband, but he was somehow important to me even though I didn't know him. Watching his life get better on AskMe made me feel like my dad could get better too. I'm so sorry, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and the loss of everyone your husband shared himself with.
.
posted by MadamM at 9:46 PM on May 17, 2012 [24 favorites]


Oh noes. I remember him from that "Why Am I Such an Easy Mark" question.

He looked like a beautiful person (as do you.)

Your post just proved that the beauty of you both.

Peace be with you!
posted by The ____ of Justice at 10:17 PM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


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posted by puddleglum at 10:21 PM on May 17, 2012


I am so very sorry for your loss. I appreciated Marc's writing style and his gift for telling a good tale.

May he sleep sweetly.

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posted by MissySedai at 10:22 PM on May 17, 2012


All kinds of people have all kinds of experiences, aka stories. Often those stories remain private. For me, the valuable qualities that make a person an improvement to the world around him are a willingness and the ability to share his stories with others. My dad was a great storyteller. If there is one quality of his that I wish I had more of, it's that.

Your husband was a great storyteller. His legacy here, including this thread, are testament to that. It's no small thing. I really appreciate that he was willing to share his stories with strangers, and I admire his ability to do it so well. He made a lot of people's lives better here, in both small and large ways.
posted by cribcage at 10:39 PM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am so sorry. I wish this had not happened, to you or he.

I survived the suicide of someone close to me.
posted by annsunny at 10:49 PM on May 17, 2012


I commented in the Little Granny thread. I remember being so happy about the lovely update he posted at the end. I thought how wonderful life is, and how great he was for the way he handled it. Thank you for sharing more of someone that we only knew a part of.

I am just so sorry. (although those words seem so inadequate.)
posted by Vaike at 10:53 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by dreamyshade at 10:56 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by Bonzai at 11:00 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by longsleeves at 11:13 PM on May 17, 2012


I am so sorry. Thank you for taking the time to write such a beautiful eulogy and share it with us.
posted by likeatoaster at 11:21 PM on May 17, 2012


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posted by knile at 11:39 PM on May 17, 2012


That was a beautiful tribute to him, and posting it here in a community he loved, well, that was the right thing to do, and though I didn't know him, I think your husband would have thought so too.

Thank you for that, and strength. I'm sorry.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 11:56 PM on May 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


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posted by susanbeeswax at 12:19 AM on May 18, 2012


Good grief this is the saddest story. I too have read nearly all of his posts and for it all to come together like this brings me to tears. I am sorry for your loss and I feel fortunate that you took the time to share with us.
posted by Kale Slayer at 12:20 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by davejay at 12:40 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by XhaustedProphet at 12:48 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by flapjax at midnite at 1:01 AM on May 18, 2012


Thank you for sharing your husband with us, mrs holdkris99. I won't ever hear the Beastie Boys (or Lionel Ritchie, for that matter) without thinking of him and smiling.

The amazing eulogy you've written here is heartbreaking, but it's filled with so much warmth and beauty. The depth of your love for each other shines through in every word.

It was so generous of you to share your thoughts and memories with the community, and to give us the gift of learning more about holdkris99's life. As you can see by this thread, he will truly be missed.

Wishing you peace and comfort in the days ahead.
posted by amyms at 1:01 AM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am terrifically sorry for your loss, and for ours. I hope you may take some comfort in the joy you clearly brought to him, as well as what light he brought to you. Please be well and know you and he are in my thoughts and those of many others. Marc made much of a hard life and tried to make things easier for others; I can't think of a more noble accomplishment.
posted by Errant at 1:45 AM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am so very sorry for your loss.

Your post was beautiful; thank you for sharing that with us.

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posted by badmoonrising at 1:55 AM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Thank you so much for taking the time to write that beautiful, difficult post. holdkriss99's name was instantly familiar to me, as someone whose words were always worth reading. I remember his comment about the Green Bay Packers and I remember the question he asked about the situation with your parents. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. The loss to this community can't possibly match yours, but please know that it is very real.

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posted by bardophile at 2:07 AM on May 18, 2012


this really hurts
I am so sorry

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posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:08 AM on May 18, 2012


Let me say really quick though that I am stunned, stunned, that on an internet post in this day and age that, of the comments I have read so far, there has not been a single negative thing said about Marc or suicide in general.

We might be assholes here sometimes, but we're not complete assholes.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:21 AM on May 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


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posted by ambient2 at 2:23 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by mochapickle at 2:36 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by Mister_Sleight_of_Hand at 2:49 AM on May 18, 2012


Others have been more eloquent than I could be in this thread, just like holdkris99 was when he was here with us. What a damn shame.
posted by robself at 3:09 AM on May 18, 2012


I'm so sorry to hear of Marc's death. I too remember him most from his thoughtful post following the murder and as so many have said, he stays in my mind as a good person and this world is poorer without him in it.

I read your beautiful post late last night and your words will stay with me for a long time - it's obvious why he loved you, All I can do is wish you peace over the coming days as you deal with Marc's death. I'm so very sorry.
posted by humph at 3:41 AM on May 18, 2012


I am so sorry. His question and comments here show the kind of compassionate and lovely person he was. I read him with pleasure. He will be so missed.
posted by Cocodrillo at 4:19 AM on May 18, 2012


I'm sorry for your loss, Mrs holdkris99, and I wish for you all the strength you need in the time to come.

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posted by running order squabble fest at 4:46 AM on May 18, 2012


This was a very moving story. From the way you speak of him, it sounds like you and he were truly soulmates, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 5:09 AM on May 18, 2012


Thank you for sharing a little more of him. I really am sorry for your loss.

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posted by inturnaround at 5:21 AM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


From across an ocean, a complete stranger attempts to convey how very, very sad your news makes me, but how very, very glad I am that you chose to share this with us.

I don't know many people from the USA, and no-one I know has a southern accent but for some reason the way he wrote translated as a voice inside my head, probably made up of some movie composite I have internalised of South, wry, immediate, ourteous, irreverant, chatty, it was almost like having a friend tell a story, his writing was so engaging.

His truths were so painfully evident but simply and honestly conveyed.

I am so sorry you and his children are having to find your way without this incredible soul.


we're just a group of his internet friends, but we valued Marc if there is anything we can do, please let us know.

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posted by Wilder at 5:44 AM on May 18, 2012 [4 favorites]


My condolences on your loss.
posted by Renoroc at 5:56 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by :-) at 6:37 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:50 AM on May 18, 2012


Oh, I am so sorry.

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posted by moira at 6:56 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by Thorzdad at 6:57 AM on May 18, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for your husband's pain. From the posts I remember (about your dad's faith and his guilt about the murder) it sounds like he was a kind, smart thoughtful, empathetic man, and you are clearly the same. I hope you find some small peace in knowing the impression he (and you) have made on us, at least.

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posted by Pax at 7:03 AM on May 18, 2012


He was an asset to the collective.

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posted by asok at 7:06 AM on May 18, 2012


My condoleances.

I haven't been here long, but long enough to recognise holdkris99/Marc as one of the good guys, a true mensch. He will be missed.

My thoughs and sympathies are with you and your family.
posted by MartinWisse at 7:13 AM on May 18, 2012


Last night, I told my husband about your post. And then I thought about both of you while I was drifting off to sleep. It was peaceful, though, realizing what life-changing love and care can bring to the life of someone who's been through so much. And although I would never wish someone would commit suicide, I also felt peace that he could finally have control over so many of the things he couldn't escape.

Still thinking about you, OP.
posted by Madamina at 7:14 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by bitmage at 7:55 AM on May 18, 2012


my deepest condolences on your loss, this was a beautiful tribute
posted by insectosaurus at 8:35 AM on May 18, 2012


mrs holdkris99, I sent you a message yesterday via Mefi mail, but in case you're not familiar with the internal mail system here please feel free to contact me if you need anything. I am involved with the recovery community in Dallas and I might be able to offer guidance towards helpful resources. Or if you just need an understanding local voice to talk to, my girlfriend and I are both here for you as well. My email address is in my profile.

>I don't know many people from the USA, and no-one I know has a southern accent but for some reason the way he wrote translated as a voice inside my head, probably made up of some movie composite I have internalised of South

Wilder, North Texans generally don't have southern accents.

posted by item at 8:44 AM on May 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


Oh man. I just can not believe all the love and support y'all have given to me and Marc and his kids here. I've just been in tears for the last two hours reading all of this.

it's raining florence henderson, thank you so much for what you wrote. You are right, Marc made sure that he left on the best possible terms for himself and for me and his friends and family. At various times I have had most of the thoughts that you wrote, but seeing them all in one place, from a stranger no less, confirmed them a million times over. I shared that comment specifically last night at a get together we had with friends and some family.

jeoc thanks for sharing that little anecdote about the gift exchange. He always put a little humor into everything he did. And he really did detest glue sticks! somewhat irrationally I think. He and his son used the pinhole camera you sent to take pictures of some old buildings in the town we live. We live in a pretty small suburb of Dallas and they were mapping the entire town, on foot, which I thought was crazy but they would spend hours walking up and down streets, drawing maps and street plans and making notations for buildings that stood out to them and things like that.

scody, Marc was right, you give the best advice. Thank you for your kind words in this post and the personal message you sent to me. I will definitely take you up on your offer, though it may be a week or two before I am certain of my permanent address. Our lease is up here at the end of this month and I can't stay here. I will keep in touch.

quiet coyote
I'm Not There is my favorite movie. I love Cate Blanchette in it. I love Cate Blanchette in anything. Marc used to joke that I had a "lady crush" on her, which is true. For the record, Marc had a "man crush" on Mark Ruffalo (and why not right?)

MadamM I am very moved by your words now and your comment you made in his thread so many years ago. I am terribly sorry about the situation with your dad. I know you have been told this many times, but drug addiction is a disease and your dad is sick. Chances are he loves you very much even though he has, without a doubt, hurt you in so many ways over the years. I may be speaking out of turn here, if so I am sorry. I wish you the best.

There are so many others I should be responding to directly. A lot of you have asked or offered to do something nice for me or something in Marc's name. Some people have actually offered financial assistance through personal messages. While I appreciate and am touched by the sincerity of the offers, Marc had made it a point to make sure that I understood the ins and outs of his book business from the beginning and had everything in such good order that, as soon as I am ready, I will be able to continue the business. Instead, I would ask that perhaps next time you are approached by someone asking (Marc hated to say begging, he felt that degraded the person asking) for money or for a cigarette to give them a dollar or two if you have it. Or, make a donation to your local homeless shelter or food bank. We spent some time together homeless and in the Union Gospel Mission in Fort Worth, it's a worthy cause and a great place run by people honestly concerned about the homeless in the community. A donation to them in Marc's name would do so much more good than any monetary gift someone could give me.

Last night we had a small gathering of our closest friends and some of our family at Marcs ex-wife and sons house. Marc's dad and "baby" sister came, but not his step mom or any of his other sisters. His ex-wife, with whom Marc had a terrible marriage but whom we became good friends with these past couple of years as they put aside their differences to concentrate on what was best for their son, has been so helpful this week. We all set around and told our favorite stories and remembrances of Marc. We took turns imitating him telling a story, which was funny because he was always so engaging and had pristine timing when it came to the payoff, as some of you have said in this thread. We were all just a wreck really, especially his poor dad. Having lost his mother (Little Granny) a few months ago and now his son, he seemed a frail, shell of a man. It was heartbreaking.

The only person who held it together the whole time was Marc's son, who just turned 13 (though he is already six feet tall!) He told a very personal story about a conversation he had with his dad a few weeks ago that I won't repeat here other than to say that he had fully forgiven his dad for all the years when he was doing drugs instead of being a father. Then he asked me something that I just could not believe then or now: he asked if it was okay if he still came and stayed with me every other weekend like he had been for the past couple of years. I was just floored. I'm picking him up from school today and we are going to go see the Avengers. I had never in my life been so moved. As we were all getting ready to leave and say our goodbyes, he asked if he could play a song. He went and got his guitar and amp that we got him christmas before last and plugged it in and said "OK I am probably gonna mess this up" and started playing The Beatles "In My Life." Hearing those first few notes, just...well words, I have no words for this.

Thanks again so much for all of the kind things you have said about Marc. Many of you said in this thread that you could tell from his questions and comments that he was decent. That's the perfect word to describe him, decent. As many of you have suggested, I will be sticking around. No doubt I will have questions to ask in the coming weeks and months and years probably. Besides, with the love and concern y'all have shown me, how could I not want to be a part of this.
posted by mrs holdkris99 at 8:58 AM on May 18, 2012 [111 favorites]


I remember the question your husband posted about his mother and her MLM stumping at your wedding. I've used advice from that thread twice now in dealing with a friend with the same problem. So thank you, holdkris99.

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posted by yellowcandy at 9:06 AM on May 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


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mrs holdkris99, I made a donation to the NY food bank in Marc's name. May all your loved ones continue to support each other in this time. Marc's son sounds like a great kid.
posted by gaspode at 9:14 AM on May 18, 2012


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mrs holdkris99, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Rest in peace Marc.
posted by gen at 9:20 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by greenish at 9:35 AM on May 18, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss; thank you for sharing your story(-ies) with us. He will be missed.
posted by exlotuseater at 9:50 AM on May 18, 2012


I am very sorry for your loss. Your husband made this a better place.
posted by box at 9:53 AM on May 18, 2012


I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:58 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by teragram at 10:03 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by joe lisboa at 10:04 AM on May 18, 2012


Your writing made me feel like I knew him personally. Thank you for that. My sympathies on your loss.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 10:07 AM on May 18, 2012


Well said.
posted by RolandOfEld at 10:26 AM on May 18, 2012


Then he asked me something that I just could not believe then or now: he asked if it was okay if he still came and stayed with me every other weekend like he had been for the past couple of years. I was just floored. I'm picking him up from school today and we are going to go see the Avengers.

That is so, so wonderful. It sounds like he's a great kid. (And the Avengers is really good and fun and the best kind of escapism.)
posted by ocherdraco at 10:29 AM on May 18, 2012 [4 favorites]


Mrs. Holdkris9, I almost always (if I have it) give a couple of bucks or a couple of smokes, but from now on, I will happily say,

"From Marc".
posted by Grlnxtdr at 10:32 AM on May 18, 2012 [19 favorites]


Then he asked me something that I just could not believe then or now: he asked if it was okay if he still came and stayed with me every other weekend like he had been for the past couple of years. I was just floored. I'm picking him up from school today and we are going to go see the Avengers.


That is just wonderful. I have a 15-year-old son and I know how difficult it is for them to express themselves sometimes. It will mean everything to him to continue to have a connection with you. If you ever want to hash out teenage boy issues, please feel free to MeMail me.
posted by cooker girl at 10:46 AM on May 18, 2012 [4 favorites]


I remember that wedding post about the mother and her schemes...

I typically forget that the folks here are vibrant individuals so dynamic and different from each other, and that's really what has always added that special sauce that makes this place as great as it is. holdkris99 seemed a good guy and I'm sorry for your loss. As you can see from above, he'll be missed here as well.
posted by rich at 10:48 AM on May 18, 2012


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Very sorry for your loss.
posted by DaddyNewt at 10:48 AM on May 18, 2012


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Wish I had something more profound.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:04 AM on May 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


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posted by joeclark at 11:15 AM on May 18, 2012


mrs holdkris99, thank you for sharing all of that with us.
posted by goethean at 11:17 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by craven_morhead at 11:18 AM on May 18, 2012


Thank you for letting us know about his passing. Like others in this thread I looked back over Marc's posting history only to realize I'd noted some of his postings but not connected them all to the same person. The comment that Zarq linked to from the Paterno thread bruised me. I remember reading it 3 or 4 times, amazed at the braveness of someone who not only survived that abuse, but who was willing to share it so flatly.

I've seen more suicides in the last few years than anyone ever needs to, and the treatment you are getting from his mom is horrific but sadly common in those circumstances. I'd like to add my voice to the chorus above that is making sure you know that this is in no way your fault. Some people strike out so they don't have to stop and think and feel. Others, like his son, reach out instead. And god bless them for doing so.

My thoughts are with you and your family.
posted by 8dot3 at 11:21 AM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


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Marc's Green Bay Packers story and this thread are the 2 times MeFi has made me tear up. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by superna at 11:22 AM on May 18, 2012


I can't stop thinking about you, marc, and the kids. I didn't even know the guy, but I remember reading his one question about why people approached him on the streets. Looking at the picture of you two together on your wedding day-one thing is clear, you two loved each other. You could tell that he was a great person.

I know I commented yesterday, but you and your loved ones are still in my thoughts today. I feel better knowing that you have support from friends and some family members, but don't be a stranger on here either. I hope to see you around on the blue and green. You will be in my thoughts, please take care of yourself.
posted by livinglearning at 11:29 AM on May 18, 2012


He didn't waste a word here. Everything he wrote was heartfelt and honest. I didn't recognise the user name at first, but his tone was unmistakable, and growing sense of horror and loss descended as it became apparent who we had lost. His voice here was distinctive and empathetic and so thoughtful, but full of wit and humour and easy confidence. So much of what he wrote snuck in under the skin, and I can only echo the sentiment that he was a far greater man - more earnest, more true - than many of us left behind. He'll be greatly missed.

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posted by Jilder at 11:34 AM on May 18, 2012 [5 favorites]


The only time Mefi has made me tear up was when I first read this thread, and found out he didn't make it. Then I teared (tore?) up a little more when I reread this comment, thinking damn, he was fucking suffering. Then I really lost it when I read his last question, how he was looking for some barbecue activity that would take a long time, so as to keep his mind off Bruce.

He was so strong. So effing strong.

mrs holdkris99, I lost a boyfriend to drugs too. Suckiness beyond belief.
posted by Melismata at 11:51 AM on May 18, 2012


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posted by fizzix at 12:25 PM on May 18, 2012


mrs holdkriss99,

Thank you for sharing this news with us... all of it. He is a good man who lives on in the hearts of the living. He made this place, this Earth a better place for the openness and willingness to share about his own life with us all. You and your family are in my thoughts today. May you find stregth and comfort in the fact that he is loved and remembered by many.

You and his children have lost so much. Know that should you ask anything from us, we will do all we can to the best of our power.

He will be remembered.

He will be missed.

He lives on in all of us.

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posted by PROD_TPSL at 12:30 PM on May 18, 2012


Thank you for sharing your story; it will stick with me. Please stick around.
posted by xena at 12:47 PM on May 18, 2012


I am so sorry to hear this!

His grace and humor around the wedding cake/wedding Mom craziness was inspirational to me, silly as it seems.

His posts were something I looked forward to, ever since.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:48 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by meggie78 at 1:16 PM on May 18, 2012


Oh, and It's Raining Florence Henderson's comment above made me sob. God damn.
posted by Melismata at 1:34 PM on May 18, 2012


Like others, I poured back over his posts, questions, answers and comments and realized how many of them I'd favorited or simply admired. Such a good guy. He's already sorely missed.
posted by schoolgirl report at 1:38 PM on May 18, 2012


Read this post a couple days ago, didn't have anything to comment, but it wouldn't leave my head. I came back just to join everyone else in saying I'm so terribly sorry for your loss, and thank you very much for this moving remembrance of holdkris99. I recognized the username as someone whose posts I had seen in passing, one of many active community members who make this place great. I'm glad that this place was somewhere he could feel happy and belong, and I want to do my tiny part to make sure this place continues to serve as that intellectual refuge and small day-brightener for others in the future.

Our thoughts and love are with you.
posted by chaff at 1:57 PM on May 18, 2012


I am so very sorry.

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posted by scaryblackdeath at 2:00 PM on May 18, 2012


My deepest sympathy. I am so sorry. He touched me very much with his post in January about his concern for your father and mother and what he perceived as his part in the crisis of faith your father was experiencing. I was touch by his caring and by his brave honesty in those conversations with your father. I hope it has happened that your father has been able to find deeper meanings than ever before in his own life journey.

I also believe your husband found, as many an atheist has, the genius of love. And he loved you. The troubles of his life are devastating to read about. He was a brave and good man to survive them and be the husband you knew. I wish you all the sustaining grace of that love as you go through this valley.

Thank you for sharing so much of him with this community. I also hope you will come to the blue and the green and return here to the gray, as well. This is a good community. I would not have known about this terrible loss except for the fact that some people had clicked on that comment from January and I finally came here to see if something was causing this late interest in it. I am so sorry to have found this terrible sorrow.

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posted by Anitanola at 3:19 PM on May 18, 2012


I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Marc with us. Thank you for sharing this deeply personal story, I won't forget it.

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posted by Craig at 4:26 PM on May 18, 2012


I laughed and I cried when I read his comments...he'll be missed.

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posted by schyler523 at 4:30 PM on May 18, 2012


I'm so very sorry for your loss.
posted by bizzyb at 4:34 PM on May 18, 2012


His comments and posts always made me look at life in a brighter light, even if they dealt with dark issues. Thanks for sharing your story. I'll miss his presence and will never forget his openness and kindness.
posted by perhapses at 4:48 PM on May 18, 2012


I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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posted by gomichild at 4:59 PM on May 18, 2012


My deepest condolences, mrs holdkris99.

So many of Marc's comments -- witty, poignant, funny, tragic, all so well-worded and powerful and heartfelt -- have lingered with me over the days, weeks, years since I first read them. In their own small ways, then, they have helped shape the way I see the world. This thread is clear proof that I'm far from alone in that. Your husband's contributions have touched and influenced so many people who were never lucky enough to meet him. He leaves behind a legacy here, and it's reflected in the fact that we grieve with you, and that our collective thoughts and well wishes are with you today and in the days to come.
posted by artemisia at 5:05 PM on May 18, 2012


I just want to say I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Marc with us.
posted by Sailormom at 5:08 PM on May 18, 2012


So sorry for your lost. I remember him as a fellow Wilco fan on the many Wilco-related MeFi threads. I'd post a link to a song by them (or by Mavis Staple) in his honor, but scanning them now, they all seem unbearably sad. I'm glad that we got to share so much time with him here and marvel at how many of his linked comments were favorites of so many of us.
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:39 PM on May 18, 2012


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I'm so very sorry. He was such a good man. Take care of yourself.
posted by pickingupsticks at 5:50 PM on May 18, 2012


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posted by gus at 5:58 PM on May 18, 2012


I'm so sorry. As others have said, you are in the thoughts of thousands here, as is your husband. Words are not enough. I'm so sorry.
posted by Lutoslawski at 6:12 PM on May 18, 2012


I'm so sorry. In the top right corner of the page, next to your username, there is a mailbox. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has sent you a private message.
posted by 256 at 6:45 PM on May 18, 2012


Like many others, I hadn't pieced together all his questions and posts as being from the same guy, but reading your beautifully moving memorial of him prompted me to look back through his history here, and I found that I remembered so many of his words and stories. Then I listened to Willie Nelson's Just Breathe and was overcome with tears. What an astounding individual he was. How much poorer and darker the world is, without him. I wish you and the rest of his family comfort and strength in this difficult time.
posted by fancyoats at 7:04 PM on May 18, 2012


I am so very sorry.
posted by belladonna at 7:11 PM on May 18, 2012


My deepest condolences on your loss. How wonderful that two such amazing people came together. I hope his love stays strong inside you through the difficult and the wonderful times to come. You will be in my thoughts.

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posted by Cuke at 7:46 PM on May 18, 2012


for Marc, still wish he was here.

mrs holdkriss99..time will heal the terrible wound you are suffering while the memory of loving him will turn from tears of deep sadness and loss to laughter of shared stories remembering Marc with friends and family.
posted by vozworth at 8:07 PM on May 18, 2012


What a beautiful memory. Thanks for sharing this.
posted by brain_drain at 8:17 PM on May 18, 2012


I'm not much of a commenter these days but I'm often reading on my phone. We're not too far off demographically speaking and I read a lot of the same threads that Marc would participate in. His comments were always a pleasure and he'll be sorely missed. I'm so very sorry for your loss mrs holdkris99. Thank you for posting this fitting and moving tribute. Honest, filled with music references and good anecdotes -- much like his comments, of course.

be well.

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posted by safetyfork at 8:38 PM on May 18, 2012


My condolences to you and your family.

And thank you for such an amazing post made under such difficult circumstances. You have created a wonderful memorial to your husband and his remarkable contributions.

It's posts like these (and the reponse) that make me proud to be a member. Welcome to Metafilter.

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posted by jabo at 9:10 PM on May 18, 2012


It's a terrible tragedy that the people who can best articulate the world's joys and sorrows are the ones who seem to leave it too soon. I ache for your sorrow, and wish Marc godspeed. May you have strength and grace in the coming days.

At times like these I am so thankful for this community.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 9:15 PM on May 18, 2012


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posted by Calzephyr at 9:47 PM on May 18, 2012


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posted by heeeraldo at 10:42 PM on May 18, 2012


I had to spend a couple days digesting this. I'm still in shock and not sure what to say but wanted to leave my:

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posted by Slarty Bartfast at 11:53 PM on May 18, 2012


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posted by interrupt at 12:31 AM on May 19, 2012


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posted by smokingmonkey at 12:42 AM on May 19, 2012


I am so sorry, words cannot even express this. Strong hugs from the other side of the globe.
posted by ruelle at 1:03 AM on May 19, 2012


It's hard to find the right words. Like many others have commented upthread- I remember almost all of his questions and was touched by them at the time- and most certainly now. What a thoughtful,wonderful guy. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope we can be of comfort to you here.

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posted by bookrach at 4:41 AM on May 19, 2012


You know, I read this a couple days ago, and I've been trying to get my head around it, off and on, ever since.

We didn't know each other... I'm not sure we ever directly interacted. I thought of him as 'that guy with the great stories'. I actually felt a little silly in that Green Bay Packers thread, because I'd posted about what a strong fan my uncle was, and then he came in one comment later with one of the most wrenching posts I've ever read on Metafilter. I remember wishing he'd posted first, because I didn't think my uncle quitting smoking even belonged in the thread anymore.

I wish I'd had the insight to see the pain that drove those intense stories. I kind of wondered, sometimes, if he was putting us on. Well, now I see he wasn't, and I feel like a complete schmuck for doubting. Nobody should have to carry that much hurt.

I don't know what to say from there... I wish I could help, but anything further I'd say would be either trite, or useless. I feel an echo of your grief, enough to want a Kleenex, and I most fervently wish you well.
posted by Malor at 5:05 AM on May 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


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posted by longtime_lurker at 5:25 AM on May 19, 2012


Ah, there are no words that don't seem thin and inadequate to this truly awful event! I am so sorry to come back to mefi after a few weeks away and see this shocking news...mrs holdkris99, please accept my heartfelt condolences on your loss. You are a most remarkable person to come here to share this most terrible news with us in the midst of your grief, but in so doing, you have offered a wonderful and warm tribute to Marc. I am so profoundly sorry for your loss and I am so sorry that we lost this special mefi community member.
posted by madamjujujive at 7:15 AM on May 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


So, so late to this thread. I am so very sorry to hear this. Hugs from Tokyo, mrs holdkris99.
posted by misozaki at 8:44 AM on May 19, 2012


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posted by hazyjane at 10:29 AM on May 19, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss, mrs holdkris99. I definitely remember Marc: his story about his dad and the Green Bay Packers made me sob, because my dad is a Texan Packers fan (and Cowboys hater) too. I thank Marc for sharing his stories with us, and thank you for sharing your story with us.
posted by nicebookrack at 11:03 AM on May 19, 2012


I'm so sorry, and I'm glad Marc was able to find some friendship and comfort while he was here.
posted by ErikaB at 11:30 AM on May 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


oh, I am so sorry for your loss. So many of his stories touched me and vividly stuck with me. Thank you for sharing so much with us here. He will be missed.
posted by salvia at 12:13 PM on May 19, 2012


Like many people, I don't comment much, but been reading this thread for the last couple of days and just wanted to add my

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To everyone elses.
posted by lloyder at 12:38 PM on May 19, 2012


I just read your beautiful, heartbreaking remembrance and the rest of this thread this morning, and have been crying off and on ever since. My own stepmother is similar in many ways to Marc's, and I've always admired his handling of the wedding situation and wished I was as brave and ballsy in my own dealings with my step-monster. His Beastie Boys comment was so great that I read it out loud to my husband (who is much like you in that he hears about metafilter a lot from his spouse). I just saw Wilco last night, and it was glorious, and now feels bittersweet and unfair and, damn it. I'm sorry, I'm sure I'm rambling now. I'm so, so sorry for your loss, for our loss.
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posted by pupperduck at 1:10 PM on May 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'm so sorry and you and his son are in my thoughts. He will be very much missed.
posted by mogget at 1:43 PM on May 19, 2012


I am so, so sorry. I saw this post several days ago, but clicked away. I came back to it today and cried so much. I didn't know holdkris99, although I remember some of his posts, but you've written such a beautiful, moving remembrance. He seemed like a beautiful man.

I'm sorry.

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posted by byanyothername at 2:22 PM on May 19, 2012


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posted by mr.marx at 4:38 PM on May 19, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm grateful that Marc chose this community to share his experiences, ideas, and stories with - he will be missed. Thank you for writing this, and my thoughts are with you during this difficult time.
posted by antonymous at 4:46 PM on May 19, 2012


You, Marc's kids and everyone feeling the loss of him continue to stay in my thoughts. Marc's son asking you to continue your weekends together brought me to my knees and I hope you have so many weekends together ahead. Wishing you continued strength, grace and peace.

The food bank was fed. And when anyone from now on asks and I can give, it's from Marc.

Thank you for sharing Marc with us, and I'm so glad you'll stay. This really is a family of sorts; just a bigger, kinder, gentler family than some of us knew. Despite the snark.
posted by vers at 6:10 PM on May 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've just now seen this and I am typing through my tears. I am very, very sorry for your loss.

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posted by PorcineWithMe at 6:14 PM on May 19, 2012


I'm sorry for your loss.

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posted by kjh at 6:33 PM on May 19, 2012


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posted by candyland at 6:57 PM on May 19, 2012


Thank you for sharing your story - his contributions and voice are meaningful and will not be forgotten.
(Adds my thoughts and prayers to everyone else's; may they provide a measure of peace.)
posted by queseyo at 7:29 PM on May 19, 2012


I am so very sorry for your loss. You both are in my thoughts.

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posted by random thoughts at 9:52 PM on May 19, 2012


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posted by amaire at 10:11 PM on May 19, 2012


I am so sorry. I'm sending all the positive energy I can your way.
posted by ddaavviidd at 7:23 AM on May 20, 2012


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posted by whitewall at 8:23 AM on May 20, 2012


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posted by nostrada at 9:13 AM on May 20, 2012


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Like others commenting above, I had never connected a single name to all of those great posts and comments I read all over this site. Strange how something like this can pull together those threads for so many of us.

I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for writing this.
posted by spitefulcrow at 9:52 AM on May 20, 2012


I'm so, so sorry. I've enjoyed reading his posts, and will miss his voice in here.
posted by Harald74 at 11:06 AM on May 20, 2012


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posted by nickrussell at 6:06 PM on May 20, 2012


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posted by war wrath of wraith at 6:09 PM on May 20, 2012


Out of the thousands of posters on this site I immediately recognized holdkris99's name. He made some great comments here. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
posted by indognito at 7:14 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


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posted by hypersloth at 10:11 PM on May 20, 2012


I am heartbroken. I remember so many of Marc's words (my first irrational thought when I saw your post was "But... no... he was supposed to be grilling!") but until I read all these loving comments, I hadn't connected them with his post asking what it was that made him a "mark." I said then that he had a great face, really open and friendly. Going back and adding that face to all his subsequent words makes them even more poignant.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
posted by looli at 10:44 PM on May 20, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss.
posted by stray at 10:46 PM on May 20, 2012


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posted by rangefinder 1.4 at 10:51 PM on May 20, 2012


I sometimes wonder if we should have a Metafilter support group for survivors, since there are so many of us.

Yes, please.

Mrs. holdkriss99, I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

MeFi is full of good people and a whole lot of soft shoulders and open ears should you need them.
posted by SuzySmith at 12:30 AM on May 21, 2012


I'm so very sorry for this loss. Thank you for telling us so much about Marc, for sharing him with us.

Metafilter is a wonderful place and I hope you will stay.

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posted by kostia at 12:37 AM on May 21, 2012


I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
posted by Jubey at 4:08 AM on May 21, 2012


This post finally turned me from a regular lurker to a first time user.

I've seen how kind/helping/funny/encouraging/caring/useful/nerdy/smart this community can be.

But I'm not sure it has been more beautifuly expressed.

Thanks for sharing holdkris99 with us. Hope to see you around on the Blue and the Green.
posted by fredericsunday at 10:28 AM on May 21, 2012


I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for taking the time to share your memories with us. I read this post shortly after it was written and I've been keeping it in mind, occasionally going back to read some of his posts, these last few days. He wrote well; I'm grateful that he shared as much of himself here as he did.

Make sure to take care of yourself as well. Good care.
posted by BigSky at 10:37 AM on May 21, 2012


i'm so sorry.
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posted by sleep_walker at 10:38 AM on May 21, 2012


Sorry to hear about this.

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posted by bjgeiger at 12:55 PM on May 21, 2012


Mrs Holdkris99, thank you for sharing your story with us. You and Marc's children will feel this loss for a long time, probably forever. I hope that all of you (Mrs, jr and daughter) can recognize and find solace in the family Marc created around himself - the family of choice that includes your dad & his, baby sister and all of us. Care for each other regardless of what others say, and know that Mefites will all be here for you, for as long as you need us to be.
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 4:58 PM on May 21, 2012


I'm so very sorry.
posted by Nickel Pickle at 5:50 PM on May 21, 2012


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posted by beandip at 8:25 PM on May 21, 2012


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posted by amusebuche at 9:12 PM on May 21, 2012


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posted by teststrip at 12:02 AM on May 22, 2012


I'm so sorry, thank you for sharing. I remembered him immediately from the "nice face" thread and lots of his posts, it's heartbreaking to find he's gone. Much love to you and your family.
posted by FuzzyVerde at 6:10 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm closing this up; it turns out that this death announcement was bullshit and Marc is very much alive. There is a new Metatalk post here.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:03 PM on May 22, 2012 [7 favorites]


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