It's not you and it's not me.

September 1, 2012 10:53 AM

I know there is an ultimate break up script. Why can't I find it.

Somebody posted the best way to break up and I have a friend who needs it. My brain is broken and I can't seem to come up with the right search terms. Please help me.

posted by TooFewShoes to MetaFilter-Related at 10:53 AM (53 comments total)

Is this comment by Miko what you were looking for?
posted by daniel_charms at 11:02 AM on September 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

Here's a MeTa thread about the comment, with discussion about how this isn't a one-size-fits-all answer. It's more for early in a relationship.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:10 AM on September 1, 2012 [4 favorites]

It's not you, it's my friend.
posted by Elmore at 12:42 PM on September 1, 2012 [4 favorites]

1. A lot is wrong with you, and we are a terrible match (list negative qualities).

2. For that specific reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about this, and I know that it's important to me to like you by now.

3. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and because of point #1 I can't deliver it right now.

4. I don't want to be in your way and prevent you experiencing the fabulous life you will soon be living when you are with someone who is ready for you right now, and knowing that's not me I think it's best to free you up.

6. I really really really really did not struggle with this decision because I don't like you. I didn't make it lightly and I feel sure it's the right thing.

7. Do you have any questions for me? I'd be happy to elaborate.
posted by michaelh at 1:41 PM on September 1, 2012 [9 favorites]

"I fucked your sister."

Works. Every. Time. (and even if it doesn't it still leads to a win-win scenario)
posted by Eideteker at 1:58 PM on September 1, 2012 [12 favorites]

It's not you, it's my new special friend.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:16 PM on September 1, 2012

While this is here, can anyone link me to a joke comment made (I #think# it was in metatalk) by someone following miko's recommendations to absurd lengths? Like, having the advice printed out and reading it out, point by point, while breaking up with someone?
posted by litleozy at 3:07 PM on September 1, 2012

It was Miko's comment! I was looking for Misha! No wonder I couldn't find it!
posted by TooFewShoes at 3:22 PM on September 1, 2012

It's not you, it's metafilter.
posted by Elmore at 3:33 PM on September 1, 2012 [13 favorites]

I flagged you. A moderator will be by shortly to break up with you on my behalf.
posted by special-k at 3:35 PM on September 1, 2012 [14 favorites]

Griphus also provided some pointers on implementing Miko's advice.
posted by ceribus peribus at 4:32 PM on September 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

Miko's advice is, as usual, spot on. However, for people who just aren't willing to put do much effort into it, there's always

I have to go, my people need me.

And then you jump out a window. This works best on the first floor.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:30 PM on September 1, 2012 [5 favorites]

I flagged you. A moderator will be by shortly to break up with you on my behalf.

Can those of us whose significant others aren't on Metafilter use this service? If so, how?

(dear Significant Other, if you're reading this, this is an entirely hypothetical question.)
posted by madcaptenor at 5:36 PM on September 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

This works best on the first floor.

Due to the Southern Hemisphere's stronger gravity (we're on 240 volts here), in Australia it works best on the ground floor.
posted by flabdablet at 6:05 PM on September 1, 2012 [11 favorites]

Sometimes I put a paper towel on my dick and pretend it's a ghost!
posted by Nomyte at 6:13 PM on September 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

Can those of us whose significant others aren't on Metafilter use this service? If so, how?

You will need to buy them a gift account before we are able to break up with them on your behalf. More information on this procedure can be found in the FAQ; see the entry titled "How Can I Perform The Ultimate Dick Move?".
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:45 PM on September 1, 2012 [18 favorites]

It's not you, it's my friend.

"Say hello to my little friend! (Who wants me to break up with you.)"
posted by octobersurprise at 6:50 PM on September 1, 2012

1) I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think we need to have a talk.

2) I'm feeling a lot of things, and one of those things is that you smell extremely bad.

3) I don't mean that you smell bad to me, I mean that you smell bad objectively.

4) You smell so bad that when you walk near a cat, it scratches apart the floorboards in order to obtain material to cover the smell.

5) You smell so bad that when you walk near the ocean, you can hear bagpipes because the clams think one of their policemen has died.

6) You smell so bad that when you open a Bologna Lunchable, people in the vicinity say, "oh thank god someone opened up a bologna lunchable because that is beginning to cover over the smell we were previously smelling."

6)a) (Bologna Lunchables also smell bad, we can both agree, but not as bad as you have been smelling.)

7) So at any rate, I've given this a tremendous amount of thought, and at this point in my life, I think that I feel that I've discovered that it's important to me to not be dating someone that smells like someone placed an entire peat bog in an old gym sock and let it do its thang in about four to five gallons of greek yogurt.

8) It's not you, nor is it me, it's the smell that surrounds you like a cursed fog upon a dhampir's tongue, which is like a thousand hamsters caught in a quiche, left in the equatorial sun.

9) I still wish nothing but the best for you, and hope we can eventually be friends.

10) PS you still have my copy of House of Leaves, but feel free to finish it, just get it back to me whenevs.
posted by Greg Nog at 7:36 PM on September 1, 2012 [58 favorites]

11) You know what--you can just keep it. Or pass it along.
posted by box at 8:09 PM on September 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

.

For the fallen clam policemen. Policeclams. Whatevs.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:26 PM on September 1, 2012 [12 favorites]

The classic is "I hate you. I wish you were dead." I have not heard this in a long time but I am sure there are Miss Manners columns and books which have the line "you are dead to me".

That is like early twenties at the max but she was a lot older than that when she wrote it. Yikes.

That woman or man who broke into your apartment and wrote "HATE" "DEATH" "KILL" on your white walls with their blood was closer to Miss Manners than farther I fear.

What I mean to say is I don't think you can get an internet go-by for doing this which is guaranteed to work. If you cannot trust Miss Manners (you cannot trust Miss Manners) who could you possibly trust?
posted by bukvich at 8:42 PM on September 1, 2012

I'm willing to work on my smell, Greg. I thought you found it endearing. Please don't do this!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:43 PM on September 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

smell you later!
posted by special-k at 8:45 PM on September 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm glad you found it, but was surprised that it was so difficult to locate. Every single time there's an Askme breakup question, someone links to it.
posted by Melismata at 8:56 PM on September 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

"You're giving me the 'it's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'it's not you, it's me'! Nobody tells me it's them not me; if it's anybody, it's me!"
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 9:05 PM on September 1, 2012 [4 favorites]

I almost included a giant ASCII Costanza head. Feel free to give me thank-you favorites for not cluttering up y'alls recent activity.
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 9:06 PM on September 1, 2012

"Or when people break up, they always use a bunch of lines on each other, you know, terrible rubbish lies, like "It’s not you, it’s me, it’s me." It’s NEVER you, it’s always them! You should level with these people! Tell them! "You know that strange sound you used to hear when you were going to sleep? That was me CHEWING the bed, out of sheer boredom! OOOOHH, How I HATE you, I hate you so much it gives me energy! I have to get up early in the morning to hate you because there isn’t time enough in the day. Please, GO AWAY!" Or that other BULLSHIT: "I need more space!" People never quantify exactly how much space they really need.. do they? But strangely enough, it always seems to be the exact same height, depth and breadth as you. "
posted by daniel_charms at 9:55 PM on September 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

A giant ascii Costanza head would have been a thread saver.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:37 PM on September 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have a friend who actually broke up with his long time girlfriend (things were going badly for a while) by using this line:

They had just made up from some fight over some immaterial difference, but in his words, "I just wasn't willing to fight anymore. Sick of the bs. I made up so that I could get out of there and go home and think, but when she asked me about our long-term plans immediately after the make-up, I sort of realized I have no plans with her. I decided to end it. Mind you this all took place in my head in the fraction of a second it took to answer her question."

Him: "Are you asking me, Do I think we would get married some day?"
Her: "Yes. I am.
Him: "I think we'll get engaged when I get back from Detroit."
Her: "Oh my god. Really? When are you going to Detroit."
Him: "I ain't never going to Detroit."

It would be my preference to tell someone, "We need to Miko" and walk out while sending a link to the comment.
posted by AugustWest at 11:50 PM on September 1, 2012 [10 favorites]

While this is here, can anyone link me to a joke comment made (I #think# it was in metatalk) by someone following miko's recommendations to absurd lengths? Like, having the advice printed out and reading it out, point by point, while breaking up with someone?
posted by litleozy at 3:07 PM on September 1 [+] [!]

Is it this one?
posted by Wonton Cruelty at 5:21 AM on September 2, 2012

*Attempts to log into special email account*
posted by infini at 6:10 AM on September 2, 2012

I think it's important to emphasize that, in Miko's original list, it's important to actually say the numbers out loud. Thus: "One. There's certainly nothing wrong with you…"
posted by oliverburkeman at 6:13 AM on September 2, 2012 [9 favorites]

"I have to go. My planet needs me." also works.
posted by Eideteker at 6:42 AM on September 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

For the confrontation-averse:

1. Buy a parrot.
2. Teach parrot Miko's script.
3. Ask SO to meet at specified place/time.
4. Have parrot stand in for you while you are packing.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:56 AM on September 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Back in a minute, I think I left the gas on" worked for my friend, but it took a few days for the shoe to drop for the dumpee; don't do this.
posted by arcticseal at 8:27 AM on September 2, 2012

My break- up script is quite different.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:54 AM on September 2, 2012 [5 favorites]

The only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again. And it won't make sense right now but I'm still your friend.

(Do angry dance backwards out of the room)
posted by RobotHero at 10:31 AM on September 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Wanna get married?"

Works two out of three times.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 10:51 AM on September 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

Right after post-fight make-up sex, get up and put this on the stereo, and stare deeply into their eyes.
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:54 AM on September 2, 2012

I just talk honestly about my feelings and introduce them to my infinitely more attractive friends! Works like a charm!

you may have to be me for this to work.
posted by winna at 11:40 AM on September 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm breaking up with you because you suck in bed, and not in a good way.
posted by orange swan at 12:48 PM on September 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Dude, I'm napping under hear. I'll break up with you later.
posted by ASCII Costanza head at 1:08 PM on September 2, 2012

All these scripts seem to be missing the last few steps that eventually lead to PROFIT.
posted by vidur at 1:33 PM on September 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

1. Do you have any questions?

2. Answer questions.

3. Profit.
posted by michaelh at 1:59 PM on September 2, 2012

It's not you and it's not me.

But don't get upset when you see him. *unbuttons shirt*

Open your mind. Open... your MIND.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 2:24 PM on September 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: it's not you
posted by rhizome at 9:35 PM on September 2, 2012

It is too me.
posted by cjorgensen at 9:12 AM on September 3, 2012

Meta!
posted by infini at 10:48 AM on September 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

flabdablet: "Due to the Southern Hemisphere's stronger gravity (we're on 240 volts here), in Australia it works best on the ground floor."

And we have irrefutable proof that those from down under are actually very sophisticated androids. They count from zero, for crying out loud!
posted by wierdo at 6:52 PM on September 3, 2012

Metafilter: It is you, not me.
posted by deborah at 9:06 PM on September 3, 2012

"Until you can tear and burn the bible to
escape the EVIL ONE, it will be impossible
for your educated stupid brain to know that
4 different corner harmonic 24 hour Days
rotate simultaneously within a single 4
quadrant rotation of a squared equator
and cubed Earth. The Solar system, the
Universe, the Earth and all humans are
composed of + 0 - antipodes, and equal
to nothing if added as a ONE or Entity.
All Creation occurs between Opposites.
Academic ONEism destroys +0- brain.
If you would acknowledge
simple existing math proof
that 4 harmonic corner days
rotate simultaneously around
squared equator and cubed
Earth, proving 4 Days, Not
1Day,1Self,1Earth or 1God
that exists only as anti-side.

"Do you have any questions for me?"
posted by Philosopher Dirtbike at 1:21 AM on September 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

And we have irrefutable proof that those from down under are actually very sophisticated androids. They count from zero, for crying out loud!

I can assure you we do not. We've just introduced ground as a new number: Zero, ground, one, two, so on.
posted by solarion at 1:33 AM on September 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

"It's not you, it's MeFi."
posted by Eideteker at 6:30 AM on September 4, 2012