There's a mod on every corner

February 25, 2013 11:57 AM

Is Matt diversifying the site further than we previously thought possible? I was surprised to see this on my receipt after stopping for coffee today. Will there be a free pony with every 12 cups? Are our beans now being served in venti mugs?
posted by arcticseal to MetaFilter-Related at 11:57 AM (49 comments total)

Ha! There's a mysterious button on the order screen that says 'Ask Me', I think it means 'this customer asked me what this drink was!' and functions as a sort of gauge or metric used to evaluate service speed, menu clarity, and all the other meta-bullshit megacorps like Sbux track through their POS. Probably if you punch it for every drink the Store Manager gets more labor hours for their baristas.
posted by carsonb at 12:02 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

It had better be 10 cups. What kind of ripoff coupon club makes you wait until 12.
posted by phunniemee at 12:04 PM on February 25

Venti Mochachino         $5.95
    I WON'T SAY NO
Venti Frappuchio         $5.95
    HOW COULD I

posted by boo_radley at 12:04 PM on February 25 [58 favorites]

Starbucks has yet to let me know that I need a therapist, a lawyer, an ER, or to not eat that thing I left out for a week.
posted by Blasdelb at 12:04 PM on February 25 [11 favorites]

(Also that's why even if you didn't want your Bountiful Blueberry Muffin or Reduced-Fat Banana Chocolate Chip Coffee Cake warmed up in the oven, your receipt will show each as 'Warmed'. Labor hours.)
posted by carsonb at 12:05 PM on February 25

I didn't know that the legendary "plate of beans" was coffee beans.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 12:08 PM on February 25 [8 favorites]

You haven't been to my store, have you Blasdelb. No, I didn't think so.

Imagine a Starbucks where AskMe, and MetaFilter, and even MetaTalk serve you your venti, blonde, non-fat, no foam, 8 pump skinny mocha, 3 Sugar in the Raw misto AskMe in an empty cup and demand you order a real drink instead.
posted by carsonb at 12:09 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

Is this safe to drink?
- Ask Me.
posted by carter at 12:15 PM on February 25 [2 favorites]

I think it means 'this customer asked me what this drink was!'

It probably means "this customer has a request that we don't have a button for." The restaurant I worked at had a "See Me" button which we used for unusual things like "pancakes with the edges burned but the middle underdone."

Which makes me think arcticseal prefers his Americanos with the favorite count turned off and the title font set to Futura.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:17 PM on February 25 [8 favorites]

I take them with a longshot of snark.
posted by arcticseal at 12:20 PM on February 25

Shouldn't that be "Gr USiano"?
posted by Rock Steady at 12:21 PM on February 25 [5 favorites]

I came in here to do an Americano ->USian pun but wasn't quick enough.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:26 PM on February 25 [3 favorites]

Gr Americano
-DTMFA
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:27 PM on February 25 [2 favorites]

Having worked with various point-of-sale systems, "Ask me" probably means "Whomever is making the drink needs to ask the person who took the order what special thing or things the customer wants." In the specialized case of Starbucks, it probably means that the person who took the order wrote the special stuff on the cup.

Or, you know, the cabal.
posted by cooker girl at 12:32 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

Starbucks has yet to let me know that I need a therapist, a lawyer, an ER, or to not eat that thing I left out for a week.


Amusingly, at least to me, when my partner used to work at Starbucks, he'd often come home with the food that was past its sell by date, which was the only time I've ever thought about asking AskMe if I should eat something.

unusual things like "pancakes with the edges burned but the middle underdone."

I'm afraid to know the answer, but must ask: is that really a thing?
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:52 PM on February 25

Meanwhile, Dunkin Donuts receipts are printing out with "Flag It And Move On".

And I just got a Buy One Get One Free Burger King coupon with fine print reading "If you are not paying for it, you're not the customer; you're the product" (and you think horsemeat in the hamburger is bad)
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:07 PM on February 25 [3 favorites]

Welllll, has the same barista been waiting on you alot lately? Knocking over the others to take your order? Complimenting your range of duck ties lately? Would you happen to be an astrophysicist?? Could be that she was hinting at something...
posted by foxhat10 at 1:13 PM on February 25 [3 favorites]

Nice professional white background on that receipt.
posted by mattbucher at 1:23 PM on February 25 [4 favorites]

Chocolate Pickle: "I didn't know that the legendary "plate of beans" was coffee beans."

Don't overdrink it.
posted by mannequito at 1:44 PM on February 25 [4 favorites]

Short Mocha No Whip $20
     SAME AS IN TOW

posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:47 PM on February 25 [12 favorites]

I'm afraid to know the answer, but must ask: is that really a thing?

Clearly you've never tried to make pancakes drunk.
posted by griphus at 2:00 PM on February 25 [2 favorites]

You shouldn't coerce pancakes to consume alcohol.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:01 PM on February 25 [8 favorites]

I was buying produce at New Seasons the other day and it kept ringing stuff up like

OG ENDIVE
OG KALE
OG RADICCHIO

and I was like, look, I like Ice-T as much as anybody but you're just a bunch of fucking vegetables.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:08 PM on February 25 [30 favorites]

Doesn't the Gr Ingo have too high of a water:espresso ratio? If this were an AskMe, I'd suggest DTMF[ing extra water]A..
posted by obscurator at 2:18 PM on February 25

The consternation over what the button might be for is amusing to me. I worked at a Starbucks for awhile, and our checkout interface was a nightmare. There was no logic to how items were grouped together. They weren't listed by type, alphabetically, or by popularity. There was just this apparently randomized list of things we could sell. I never figured it out, but it was clear the design's intent was to track inventory, not to streamline the checkout process.

A few weeks before I quit, I finally tried one of the chocolate-chip cookies fresh out of the oven. I knew they tasted mediocre after a couple hours, but I figured fresh cookies are fresh cookies. Nope, yuck.
posted by cribcage at 2:35 PM on February 25

Gr Soy Latte $3.95
    SURELY THIS
posted by Thorzdad at 2:53 PM on February 25 [2 favorites]

Thorzdad: "SURELY THIS"
We also would have accepted "TONE ARG."
posted by boo_radley at 3:19 PM on February 25

1782253 = The Matrix!!!!
posted by unliteral at 3:39 PM on February 25

Unfortunately I am not a hot astrophysicist, and I don't think I'm his type :)
posted by arcticseal at 4:21 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

boo_radley: I love you.
posted by 4ster at 4:48 PM on February 25

The consternation over what the button might be for is amusing to me. I worked at a Starbucks for awhile, and our checkout interface was a nightmare. There was no logic to how items were grouped together. They weren't listed by type, alphabetically, or by popularity. There was just this apparently randomized list of things we could sell. I never figured it out, but it was clear the design's intent was to track inventory, not to streamline the checkout process.

So that's why I could actually find the Starbucks at Franz Kafka International.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:23 PM on February 25

SO!

My wife, who worked at SBUX, said that "ASK ME" was a button on the register that meant the customer wanted an alteration to the drink that there wasn't a regular button on the register for. ASK ME indicated that the barista making the drink was to ask the person at the register what the drink order was.

So we know that articseal is the kind of person who ordered caramel latte at EXACTLY 115 degrees. Also, probably a drive-through customer.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 6:33 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

Starbucks and AskMe can both recommend you pleasant, semi-obscure music you've already heard on NPR.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 6:38 PM on February 25 [2 favorites]

So it's Starbucks for our morning coffee, eh? I thought Cortex had negotiated a Dunkin' Donuts alliance.
posted by Jahaza at 6:39 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

and I love you, 4ster.
posted by boo_radley at 6:45 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

Venti Plate of Beans, to go, please.
posted by blaneyphoto at 7:06 PM on February 25

Like Starbucks, MeFi can overcook and overgrind and ruin a packet of beans.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 7:06 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

There's a MeLitta filter joke in all this if I could only.
posted by safetyfork at 7:30 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

overgrind

News to me.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:39 PM on February 25

overgrind

News to me.

I don't actually know what bad things you can do to coffee beans, but I assume Starbucks does them.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 7:41 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

Oh, I meant Metafilter.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:48 PM on February 25

My wife, who worked at SBUX, said that "ASK ME" was a button on the register that meant the customer wanted an alteration to the drink that there wasn't a regular button on the register for. ASK ME indicated that the barista making the drink was to ask the person at the register what the drink order was.

I am going to have to start looking at my receipt to see if I get the high maintenance label. every time I am stuck in a sbux for a meeting and ask for a latte with skim milk, no foam, they look at me with a wild surmise and try to get me to put whipped cream or sugar or jelly beans or some crap in it, as if a latte was supposed to be a dang milkshake.

The little local coffee shop makes much yummier coffee, anyway, since the beans aren't burned to tiny bits of char so the latte actually tastes good the way I like it. When the beans are little lumps of ground charcoal I guess you need all that sugar to stand it.
posted by winna at 7:52 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

no foam, they look at me with a wild surmise

Like a barista when with narrowed eyes
he stares at customers who order skim -
though he correct them with a wild surmise,
silent, the customers shake "no" at him.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:57 PM on February 25 [2 favorites]

I just discovered at Starbucks on Sunday that they can make you ice tea from the various herbal teas they sell. (Though while they didn't mind doing this on Sunday at 11 am, they'd probably hate you if you made them do it at 8:30 am Monday morning.)
posted by Jahaza at 7:58 PM on February 25

I go to this bagel place, and the cashiers are pathologically unable to ring up "toasted with butter and strawberry jam." At this point, it's entertainment for me. I get to watch their screen, so I can see them puzzle it out. I don't tell them that I saw the manager do it once, and that it's a hidden option on an alternate screen, so I get to see how many ways they can describe this order. Butter and a side of jam. Jam and a side of butter. Just butter, a secret nod and a furtive smear of jam. Just jam and a sly spread of butter. Toasted, and who-gives-a-shit-you-get-free-extras because fuck computers.

Yesterday, it was "butter and SEE ME." They had finally given up and resorted to talking to each other.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:02 PM on February 25 [3 favorites]

I just discovered at Starbucks on Sunday that they can make you ice tea from the various herbal teas they sell. (Though while they didn't mind doing this on Sunday at 11 am, they'd probably hate you if you made them do it at 8:30 am Monday morning.)

Two teabags in a tall cup of hot water and plastic venti cup full of ice on the side. Steep your tea and add any sweetener in the tall cup, then pour it over the ice in the venti cup tp make iced tea in your favorite flavor.
posted by peeedro at 6:22 AM on February 26

I always blow their minds by ordering "a cup of coffee."
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:25 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

who-gives-a-shit-you-get-free-extras because fuck computers.

I'm always surprised at the number of different ways people try to make their scalability seem "human" and the number of ways it fails.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:11 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

NOW WANT COFFEE!
posted by clavdivs at 8:14 AM on February 27