Seeking AskMe thread about baby/toddler headbutting dad in the groin

October 4, 2013 8:16 AM

I can't believe I'm using my first MeTa on this, but I'm looking for an AskMe thread from about 1-3 years ago in which a dad was asking how to deal with his toddler headbutting him in the groin. It evolved into a long stream of anecdotes about testicular trauma induced by the innocent little ones. I found it highly hilarious. The keywords I thought of to search on did not reveal the thread, and the mods I contacted didn't remember it either. Thanks.
posted by matildaben to MetaFilter-Related at 8:16 AM (44 comments total)

Are all the other dads wearing cups?
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:19 AM on October 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

.....I think the one you mean may be actually about a dad dealing with a baby in one of those kangaroo-pouch type dealies kicking him in the groin instead. The problem was that when the kid was younger, their legs were shorter, but now that they were a little older, their legs were dangling at...dangle level.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:19 AM on October 4, 2013

Got it! That explains why my search wasn't working. I didn't think to use the keyword "gentlemensregion" instead of "testicles".
posted by matildaben at 8:22 AM on October 4, 2013 [16 favorites]

I'm adding some tags to the question for future reference!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:23 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

ThePinkSuperhero: "I'm adding some tags to the question for future reference!"

What is this wizardry?!
posted by Grither at 8:27 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

She even used capital letters.
posted by matildaben at 8:29 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

What is this wizardry?!

Mutual contacts can add tags to each other's posts.
posted by Curious Artificer at 8:30 AM on October 4, 2013

If you are mutual contacts with someone, you can add tags to their posts. Only use this power for good.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:31 AM on October 4, 2013 [8 favorites]

Headbutting? That's nothing. When my youngest son was teething he toddled up and BIT me hard in the crotch. You could see the individual outline of each tooth for a week afterwards.
posted by pipeski at 8:31 AM on October 4, 2013 [9 favorites]

My ovaries hurt in sympathy. OWWWW.

This is why everyone should just go back to Elizabethan fashion. Codpieces for toddler protection, and ruffs for awesomeness.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:36 AM on October 4, 2013 [7 favorites]

Ahhh gotcha. Thanks!

Also, this is probably the very best way to do your first Metatalk post!
posted by Grither at 8:36 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Only use this power for good.

For realsies. We keep logs. *cracks knuckles*
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:51 AM on October 4, 2013 [5 favorites]

LOGS
posted by mullacc at 9:03 AM on October 4, 2013 [6 favorites]

Mental image of all mods as lumberjack log rolling beavers, excellent.
posted by elizardbits at 9:09 AM on October 4, 2013 [7 favorites]

Headbutting? That's nothing. When my youngest son was teething he toddled up and BIT me hard in the crotch.

Biting? That's nothing. When my youngest son was being born he dilated my cervix 10 centimeters and forced his way through my birth canal.
posted by headnsouth at 9:15 AM on October 4, 2013 [120 favorites]

elizardbits: "Mental image of all mods as lumberjack log rolling beavers, excellent."

I would commission someone to do this exact illustration but I'm afraid it couldn't possibly live up to the joy in my head.

(I am also glad I hit preview and added this quote because I almost seemed to reply with this exact message to the comment above me, and woo boy would that have been awkward.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:20 AM on October 4, 2013 [20 favorites]

Clearly time to roll out the embarrassing family anecdotes.

My uncle, who was a psychiatrist, once expressed worry to my father, who taught physics, that my three year old sister might be developing a premature genital fixation: apparently each time he'd visit and she'd run to give him a hug, she'd bury her face in his groin.

As my mother tells it, my father looked at him solemnly over the top of his reading glasses, shook his head sympathetically, and said: "Ian, she's just that tall."
posted by flabdablet at 9:33 AM on October 4, 2013 [24 favorites]

headnsouth: "Biting? That's nothing. When my youngest son was being born he dilated my cervix 10 centimeters and forced his way through my birth canal."

episionysterical
posted by Room 641-A at 9:49 AM on October 4, 2013 [33 favorites]

...he dilated my cervix 10 centimeters and forced his way through my birth canal.

Anyone else immediately start humming the Indiana Jones theme?
posted by griphus at 10:29 AM on October 4, 2013 [8 favorites]

I'm extremely amused that someone is looking for the AskMe equivalent of Ow My Balls!.
posted by frecklefaerie at 10:41 AM on October 4, 2013 [5 favorites]

All my "muties" will now have all their posts tagged "LOLBUTTS." I should not have been trusted with power. BRB LOLBUTTING.
posted by Slap*Happy at 10:42 AM on October 4, 2013 [4 favorites]

Mental image of all mods as lumberjack log rolling, knuckle-cracking beavers, natch.
posted by nevercalm at 12:29 PM on October 4, 2013

Anyone else immediately start humming the Indiana Jones theme?

I just tried to recall the Indiana Jones theme, and The Great Escape theme jumped into my head instead.
posted by Kabanos at 12:43 PM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Mental image of all mods as lumberjack log rolling, knuckle-cracking beavers, natch.

To the tune of Log Driver's Waltz I hope (watch for beaver on log at about 1:40).
posted by Kabanos at 12:56 PM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

I suppose The Great Escape is better than Bridge Over the River Kwai ... unmedicated induced labor, what FUN! :(
posted by tilde at 1:28 PM on October 4, 2013

Somewhere I once blogged about running a Star Wars birthday party for my then five year old son. The light sabres came out, and I'm pretty handy with Jedi weaponry so I was holding my own, until a tiny squat kid who had yet to have a proper toddler growth spurt nailed me right in the nuts.

My thought as I was falling to the ground with stars in my eyes and pain in my kidneys was "This must be what it feels like to be slain by Yoda."
posted by salishsea at 1:34 PM on October 4, 2013 [15 favorites]

Biting? That's nothing. When my youngest son was being born he dilated my cervix 10 centimeters and forced his way through my birth canal.
posted by headnsouth

Eponymobgynohysterical?
posted by aught at 1:50 PM on October 4, 2013

Please don't nickname your kid Buster.

Among his many nicknames early on was "boulderhead." I know for a fact he is not the only child to have that nickname. I suspect it's pretty common, although not all moms would admit thinking of it.
posted by headnsouth at 2:03 PM on October 4, 2013

I suppose The Great Escape is better than Bridge Over the River Kwai ... unmedicated induced labor, what FUN! :(

Two words: Unmedicated C-section.

And that's why my mother wins every argument we'll ever have.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 2:47 PM on October 4, 2013 [5 favorites]

Two words: Unmedicated C-section.

That's a thing?? I might pass out...
posted by billiebee at 2:56 PM on October 4, 2013

We keep logs.
posted by various at 3:59 PM on October 4, 2013

Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish: "Two words: Unmedicated C-section. "

WAIT, WHAT? WHY?
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:44 PM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish:

"Two words: Unmedicated C-section.

And that's why my mother wins every argument we'll ever have."

Your mum deserves a fucking medal.
posted by deborah at 6:12 PM on October 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

What in the holy HELL was going on when you were born?
posted by Specklet at 7:40 PM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

18 hours of unproductive labor. My mother only agreed to the surgery when it became clear from my heart rate that I was in serious distress, and at that point they didn't want to wait any longer to get me out of there.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:34 PM on October 4, 2013

This happens to me all the time. I'm glad to have a resource for this now.
posted by Bonerman26 at 10:02 PM on October 4, 2013

But but but I had an emergency c-section under similar circumstances and they still took the time to jam a needle in my spine so I would be numb!

When you say unmedicated do you mean no epidural, no nothing?
posted by Specklet at 10:38 PM on October 4, 2013

Because of this thread, I did a Google search for "buttslol"


This is what happened.


Of all the things I search for, I have no idea why "buttslol" would trigger the system to say, "OK, this is just too weird."
posted by louche mustachio at 12:34 AM on October 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Lolbutts yielded similar results.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:41 AM on October 5, 2013

This is what happened.

wootoris!
posted by mintcake! at 4:56 AM on October 5, 2013

But ... yeah ... usually they either gas you or shove a needle in your spine even when they're emergency sectioning ... were you born in like 1602? (THIS ANSWERS SO MANY QUESTIONS!)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:50 AM on October 5, 2013

I WISH I were 400 years old. That would be awesome. They gave her the injection but didn't want to wait for it to actually kick in. Something to do with the flailing infant getting in the way, I think? I know it started working within a few moments of them pulling me out, but I try not to make her tell the story, so it's been a while.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:18 AM on October 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

"I just tried to recall the Indiana Jones theme, and The Great Escape theme jumped into my head instead."

I heard Deliverance.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:44 PM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

Holy. Zarquon.

/salutes Mama Zarquon
posted by tilde at 8:36 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]