Laughing Is Magic June 26, 2014 4:54 AM   Subscribe

If you need a bit of levity today, please go read geek anachronism's story about how she washed a five-foot tall My Little Pony plushie. That is all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos to MetaFilter-Related at 4:54 AM (125 comments total) 51 users marked this as a favorite

I desperately hope that pictures were taken.
posted by gaspode at 5:08 AM on June 26, 2014 [9 favorites]


Heh! It must've been a plushie similar to this one, right?
posted by soundofsuburbia at 5:13 AM on June 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


Well, I did a Google image search for "life-sized stuffed My Little Pony", and now I understand how one of Minty's hooves could fill a kitchen sink.
posted by jgirl at 5:16 AM on June 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


Great job, everyone!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:42 AM on June 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


The lengths that we go to that our younger childless selves swore we never would do... until we become parents and our sproglet buys an oversized My Little Pony who desperately needs a bath.

Nice work, geek anachonism, and nice callout, EmpressCallipygos. I needed something to make me smile tonight, and this did the trick perfectly. I thank you both.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 6:01 AM on June 26, 2014 [10 favorites]


The lengths that we go to that our younger childless selves swore we never would do... until we become parents and our sproglet buys an oversized My Little Pony who desperately needs a bath.

...and the things that you find yourself saying, like:

"If you don't want blue teeth either stop chewing on the pony or stop drawing your marker on it."

"The cat doesn't want to wear a diaper, that's why he scratched you"

These are sentences that I'd never imagined that I'd ever say.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:12 AM on June 26, 2014 [49 favorites]


Also, don't miss barchan's fitbit story.
posted by marsha56 at 6:25 AM on June 26, 2014 [16 favorites]


These are sentences that I'd never imagined that I'd ever say.

posted by leotrotsky


I can add "punks in the 70's didn't wear nappy pins through their ears". I said it this morning, but she still won best costume at 'Decade Day' at school despite the nappy pin earring. (Even though you can't see the nappy pin and she is barely recognisable, here is a pic.)

Oh, and her younger brother has recently been told "DON'T LICK THE CARPET!".

Ain't parenthood fun?
posted by malibustacey9999 at 6:38 AM on June 26, 2014 [6 favorites]


Given the proclivities of some of the furry community, and bronies in particular, I think I would not allow my daughter to have a used, filthy life-sized MLP.
posted by empath at 6:40 AM on June 26, 2014 [8 favorites]


Given the proclivities of some of the furry community, and bronies in particular, I think I would not allow my daughter to have a used, filthy life-sized MLP.

Oh god. eww.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:43 AM on June 26, 2014 [12 favorites]


Best $3 spent ever.
posted by Buttons Bellbottom at 6:48 AM on June 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


I can add "punks in the 70's didn't wear nappy pins through their ears".

I can personally confirm that it happened in the 1980s, however. Great costume, though!
posted by Dip Flash at 7:13 AM on June 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


I can't count the number of variations of "put your penis away" that have been uttered in our house.

"Put your penis away."

"Your brother does not want to see your penis."

"If you put your penis in there, none of us will be able to use the shampoo."

My son is only 5 but he may have a problem.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:43 AM on June 26, 2014 [84 favorites]


I even used shampoo and conditioner on her mane and tail

Truly, we are the greatest generation.
posted by kate blank at 7:52 AM on June 26, 2014 [9 favorites]


My son is only 5 but he may have a problem.

Yeah, who does he think he is, telling you what you can and can't do with your penis. The nerve of him!
posted by Literaryhero at 7:56 AM on June 26, 2014 [43 favorites]


That was funny, but on the other hand, who among us here hasn't, at one point or another, stripped down to our underwear and lathered and rubbed against a life sized cartoon character? This is totally normal behavior guys, right? It is, isn't it?
posted by MoonOrb at 7:56 AM on June 26, 2014 [3 favorites]


It's weird because the person didn't get completely naked.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:03 AM on June 26, 2014 [8 favorites]


right, like ... they needed to be modest around a stuffed animal?
posted by desjardins at 8:24 AM on June 26, 2014 [4 favorites]


I noticed about an hour after posting this callout that Geek Anachronism is in Australia, and so she probably went to sleep shortly after posting that and is going to wake up to find that her comment now has 92 favorites (and counting) and a fan following.

I'm HOPING this is going to be a pleasant surprise...
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:24 AM on June 26, 2014 [5 favorites]


Slarty Bartfast, just yesterday I had to say to my two year old nephew "Don't rub your grandmother's sunglasses all over your penis."

Your son is not alone.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:29 AM on June 26, 2014 [4 favorites]


Also apparently the song "Let it Go" from Frozen is about pooping. (Yes, I also have a 5 year old. How did you know?)
posted by Mchelly at 8:54 AM on June 26, 2014 [10 favorites]


Given the proclivities of some of the furry community, and bronies in particular, I think I would not allow my daughter to have a used, filthy life-sized MLP.


There is no way to say "that'll be a Generation 3 Minty; you're probably fine" without self-incrimination, is there?
posted by running order squabble fest at 8:54 AM on June 26, 2014 [28 favorites]


Since we're talking about kids, my 1 1/2 year old daughter came very close to breaking my nose last night, for a few minutes I thought she had. She's a big girl for her age, and she decided to stand up perform some kind of reverse bodyslam and whip the back of her big round bowling-ball head right into my nose as I was just laying there. Blood everywhere. The sheets, the carpet, the wall, dripping down my legs to my feet which I didn't notice until later. Even found more this morning.

Just thought I'd share. I got beat up by a toddler.
posted by Hoopo at 8:56 AM on June 26, 2014 [28 favorites]


Great. White, male, straight, cisgender, U.S. citizen, no kids.

Where does my privilege even end?
posted by Mooski at 9:22 AM on June 26, 2014 [8 favorites]


stand up perform some kind of reverse bodyslam and whip the back of her big round bowling-ball head right into my nose

Kids do this all the time. I'm not even a parent, and I've had several bloody noses and fat lips from this. The people who used to strap kids into bark or woven carriers knew what they were doing.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:31 AM on June 26, 2014 [4 favorites]


My son also is a fan of showing off his junk. When it got to be a problem at school, we began reminding him, "No one wants to see your penis."

Now he'll just whip it out and walk around the house singing, "No one wants to see my penis. No one wants to see my penis."
posted by ColdChef at 9:38 AM on June 26, 2014 [100 favorites]


This thread has gone in a very strange direction.



Not that there's anything wrong with that.
posted by blurker at 10:14 AM on June 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


What confuses me is why geek anachronism bothered to keep her underwear on. Was she afraid things might get a little too weird being totally naked in the shower with a giant plush pony while her five year old daughter watched on?
posted by item at 10:16 AM on June 26, 2014 [7 favorites]


What confuses me is why geek anachronism bothered to keep her underwear on.

There are dozens of us! DOZENS!
posted by Hoopo at 10:23 AM on June 26, 2014 [36 favorites]


Maybe she just wanted to keep grody pony runoff away from her sensitive bits?

Maybe because 5 year olds are exactly the kind of people who go to school the next day and happily tell their teachers "last night mommy was naked and took a shower with my pony and my pony was naked, too!"

I mean, the way I give my dog a bath is that I bring him into the shower with me, wash him, and let him just sit there rinsing while I finish my shower, and even though it's extremely efficient and about as boring an event as one could imagine, there's still something uncomfortably familiar about showering naked with my dog. I think I'd also choose to draw the line at mysterious filthy flea market pony.
posted by phunniemee at 10:24 AM on June 26, 2014 [67 favorites]


Grody Pony Runoff is my new band name. Our first album will be called Mysterious Filthy Flea Market Pony.
posted by ColdChef at 10:27 AM on June 26, 2014 [46 favorites]


These are sentences that I'd never imagined that I'd ever say.

The day the phrase 'Good job kicking that monkey!" left my mouth was the day I knew that parenting was not exactly what I thought it would be.

I got beat up by a toddler.

When he was between ages 2 and 4, my son broke three pair of my glasses by hitting me in the face with his head. Also, at least once I'm pretty sure he fractured my nose, and for about a month my front two teeth were numb. We had a stretch that was so bad that one of my co-workers found a kind way to make sure I wasn't being beaten up by my partner. And -- best of all -- it doesn't seem to end. Three weeks ago he hit me in the face with his head so hard (while jumping to hug me) that I almost blacked out.

Fortunately, however, he keeps his penis inside his pants.
posted by anastasiav at 10:44 AM on June 26, 2014 [6 favorites]


Last year my kid was 7, and she put her arms up like she was going to give me a hug, so I bent over, and the fucker jumped and put her shoulder into my Adam's apple with all her might. I thought I was going to die.

This was immediately after her soccer game, and this woman watching came over to me and said "Oh gosh, I saw what happened, I know how painful that can be!" and I couldn't even talk to say "Yeah this is pretty much the worst pain I can remember right now." Then she says "I have this trick that can make it all better immediately, can I help you?" So I'm like nodding and trying to breathe and stay calm, so she places her hands gently on my neck and starts shouting "OH DEAR SWEET JESUS COME INTO THIS MAN'S NECK AND REMOVE THE DEVIL LORD THE DEVIL HAS TAKEN ROOT HERE IN HIS THROAT AND HE NEEDS THE DEVIL OUT OUT I SAY LORD JESUS GET THE DEVIL OUT OF THIS MAN NOW I COMMAND YOU".

Getting hit in the throat is very painful.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 10:59 AM on June 26, 2014 [165 favorites]


So I'm like nodding and trying to breathe and stay calm, so she places her hands gently on my neck and starts shouting "OH DEAR SWEET JESUS COME INTO THIS MAN'S NECK AND REMOVE THE DEVIL LORD THE DEVIL HAS TAKEN ROOT HERE IN HIS THROAT AND HE NEEDS THE DEVIL OUT OUT I SAY LORD JESUS GET THE DEVIL OUT OF THIS MAN NOW I COMMAND YOU".


Was.... she... joking?
posted by running order squabble fest at 11:00 AM on June 26, 2014 [3 favorites]


No. The neck is known to be almost defenseless against Satan.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:03 AM on June 26, 2014 [51 favorites]


so she places her hands gently on my neck and starts shouting "OH DEAR SWEET JESUS COME INTO THIS MAN'S NECK AND REMOVE THE DEVIL LORD THE DEVIL HAS TAKEN ROOT HERE IN HIS THROAT AND HE NEEDS THE DEVIL OUT OUT I SAY LORD JESUS GET THE DEVIL OUT OF THIS MAN NOW I COMMAND YOU".

I can't imagine circumstances where this is not the best possible way to handle someone else's agonizing pain.

Me, I'm going to go straight to the painkillers, but anyone else get an ouch around me and we're going to Scream for Jesus' Novocaine.
posted by winna at 11:04 AM on June 26, 2014 [13 favorites]


When it got to be a problem at school, we began reminding him, "No one wants to see your penis."

I might owe this to my folks right now: I *really* don't like wearing pants. Until the age of 7 or so, in most pics of me I'm porky piggin' it, and there were numerous parent-teacher conferences & progress reports with "barchan has a tendency to take her pants off in class." ...thus multiple occasions being told, "Don't do that!"

~25 years later: our wedding. Old roommates & my husband start telling tales about how living with me one tends to find my pants in random places like the middle of the stairs, and to love me one has to adapt to the piles of pants, skirts, and shorts that accumulate near the front door. Then a fellow grad school friend starts in on how they had to put a KNOCK FIRST sign on the door on our dept. lab. Because while working there during odd hours I would occasionally, unconsciously take off my jeans, and several unfortunate people had walked in on me at a microscope sans pants. (I know, weird.)

I look over at Mom. She has her head in her hands. She heaves this big, world weary sigh, and says, "I really, really thought you would outgrow this. We told you it was wrong to take off your pants at school 25 years ago."

I feel for parents of all ages.
posted by barchan at 11:04 AM on June 26, 2014 [98 favorites]


Was.... she... joking?

Negative. Her neighbor told me this is A Thing she does for ant bites, late mail, canceled TV shows, etc.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 11:05 AM on June 26, 2014 [34 favorites]


I adore children. Children are adorable. I thank you all for having them to continue the species, for me to play with and for you to tell hilarious and painful stories about.

I thank you also for another thread in which I am reminded of all the reasons I chose not to have children of my own.
posted by Sophie1 at 11:06 AM on June 26, 2014 [10 favorites]


there's still something uncomfortably familiar about showering naked with my dog

I have a cat who likes to sit on the edge of the tub and creepily watch me shower through the clear liner curtain. It was sort of awkward the first few times.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:18 AM on June 26, 2014 [10 favorites]


Negative. Her neighbor told me this is A Thing she does for ant bites, late mail, canceled TV shows, etc.

Can you get her working on Community?
posted by shakespeherian at 11:43 AM on June 26, 2014 [10 favorites]


I had a cat who loved to get in the shower and just sit on the floor of the tub, getting wet. He was an odd cat.
posted by gingerbeer at 11:44 AM on June 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


My dog doesn't trust the rain. I think she's a proper desert dog.

My son is also a fan of the Surprise Full Body Tackle and Sudden Head Slam Into Your Head. Especially when he's tired, he'll show his affection towards me or my wife by giving us Very Serious Nogginings, which involves holding your head so he can forcefully meld minds. Kids are weird, and so very much fun. No giant, dirty ponies yet, but we haven't ventured with him to any swap meets or yard sales.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:49 AM on June 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


Apparently we're telling shower stories.

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a Red Roof Inn near Raleigh, NC for an event with my dog. It turned out that the smoke detector in the hotel room would start chirping when the shower ran (from the steam, I suppose). Fine, fine, except the chirping sound, for some unfathomable reason, really upsets the wee lad. "Upsets", as in, he needs to be close to me for comfort. Fine, fine, except I was in the shower so he kept trying to get in the shower with me, and in fact you can strike the word "trying" from that because he was successful, and my usual happily calm and contemplative morning routine turned into some infernal game of volleyball with a fifty pound, furry, black, and progressively more sodden ball that looks wounded when you volley it back to the other side of the barrier. I'm sure the people downstairs were wondering what the "SCRABBLE SCRABBLE SPLASH NO DAMMIT GET OUT THUMP SCRABBLE SCRABBLE SPLASH NOOOOOO DAMMIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHOMP etc" was all about and whether it might end soon, too. So, basically, I'm saying it was a short shower. And that's my story.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:53 AM on June 26, 2014 [21 favorites]


I tried to take a shower with my dog once because she was filthy (yes she was!) and we were at a hotel with no bathtub. It was an unpleasant experience that I shall never forget and if I had been wearing clothing, perhaps I would not have been so bloody scratched up when we finally finished with that torture.
posted by Sophie1 at 11:54 AM on June 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


When he was between ages 2 and 4, my son broke three pair of my glasses by hitting me in the face with his head.

The reason my SO and I can't have any kids is that we have broken 3 pair of glasses, in precisely this fashion, over the past year and a half just under our own power. If we were to reproduce, nobody's eyewear would ever be safe again.
posted by like_a_friend at 11:54 AM on June 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


Worst. Superpower. Ever.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:04 PM on June 26, 2014 [4 favorites]


I shower with my bird every morning. He cat calls and purrs at me from the soap rack off the shower head as I do my thing. Sometimes, when I turn away he just says "hiii" as salaciously as you can imagine.
That is, unless he's occupied by his furious molestation of the showerpoofs. He has two, dedicated humppoofs whose only function is as birdy sexual outlet.
hmmm, upon review:
Dear askme, is my bird a pervert?
posted by Cold Lurkey at 12:46 PM on June 26, 2014 [33 favorites]


Worst. Superpower. Ever.

Eh. A bit more dramatic, but my mutant power of grinding every line I'm standing in to a halt really adds up...
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 1:26 PM on June 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


As a baby, I was holding my son when he flung his head back and cracked one of my teeth with his large, heavy skull. I should guilt him about that. It's my job as a parent.
posted by theora55 at 1:35 PM on June 26, 2014


Now he'll just whip it out and walk around the house singing, "No one wants to see my penis. No one wants to see my penis."

I really wanted the next sentence to be, "But next year he's off to college, so it'll be someone else's problem."
posted by solotoro at 1:44 PM on June 26, 2014 [36 favorites]


I have a cat who likes to sit on the edge of the tub and creepily watch me shower through the clear liner curtain.

Yeah, my wife does this.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:44 PM on June 26, 2014 [17 favorites]


My cat does not care about showers but she thinks it is VERY IMPORTANT to sit in the bath and watch me whenever I am on the toilet. Presumably in case I fall in.
posted by emilyw at 1:47 PM on June 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


I love this story because reading it I thought "man does she love that little girl!" Her daughter will remember that story forever.
posted by sweetkid at 2:04 PM on June 26, 2014 [11 favorites]


All these stories are great. I really needed something to laugh at, and boy did you lot deliver. Thanks MeFi, and keep them coming!
posted by Ned G at 2:15 PM on June 26, 2014 [2 favorites]


As a beneficiary of several privileges, I pretty much never ever feel like a creeper.

Except when I am naked in the shower with a dog, especially one so miserable that it looks like it is actually praying for death.

It's one of those moments where I think, "I'm going to die right now and they're going to find us like this and oh god, my poor family."
posted by Lyn Never at 2:23 PM on June 26, 2014 [9 favorites]


I really wanted the next sentence to be, "But next year he's off to college, so it'll be someone else's problem."

I went to college with a a couple of those guys. Big party the first week of freshman year? Naked time! First sunny day of spring? You guessed it, naked time! Friday dinner in the dining hall? Yep. The weekend before graduation was happily the last time I have seen any of them naked; how they ever managed to adjust to the clothing demands of the modern workplace I'll never know.

there's still something uncomfortably familiar about showering naked with my dog

It's probably just paranoia, but I always wear shorts when I wash the dog in the shower because he doesn't like it at all and all it would take is one wayward paw swipe while trying to escape and I'd be a very unhappy person.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:29 PM on June 26, 2014 [4 favorites]


Dip Flash: how they ever managed to adjust to the clothing demands of the modern workplace I'll never know.

While I agree that pants are for squares, paychecks are pretty important as an adult who is supposed to be self-sufficient. Get home (or at least, get into your car): off come the pants!

Personally, I'm fond of bringing flip-flops or sandals along with me to work, so I can wear dress shoes and socks as little as possible.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:43 PM on June 26, 2014 [1 favorite]



Negative. Her neighbor told me this is A Thing she does for ant bites, late mail, canceled TV shows, etc.

Can you get her working on Community?


I'm surprised she didn't bring back Firefly.
posted by sweetkid at 2:51 PM on June 26, 2014 [3 favorites]


When I was young and relatively new to cat-keeping, my cat needed a flea bath. I took her into the bathroom. Thinking I was clever, I stripped, figuring that way my clothes wouldn't get wet.

I lowered the cat into the tub, turned the water on, and she climbed me like a tree.
posted by not that girl at 2:52 PM on June 26, 2014 [14 favorites]


Dear askme, is my bird a pervert?

You shower with a poof humping bird who speaks to you salaciously and you wonder if the bird is the pervert?

Remember, kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole bird.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:58 PM on June 26, 2014 [63 favorites]


when I was little we gave my collie a bath in the basement tub once. He jumped out and grabbed my leg with his paws (!!) while shaking, and then galloped wet and foamy all through the house.

He got professionally groomed after that for the rest of his life.
posted by sweetkid at 3:04 PM on June 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


I used to dog-sit an Irish Wolfhound. The washing procedure is essentially the same except the drying time is shorter.
posted by peeedro at 3:31 PM on June 26, 2014 [5 favorites]


Getting hit in the throat is very painful.

It's funny, I figured the nose would be, too, but I don't remember the pain at all. Like, it certainly didn't feel nice, but went more or less numb pretty quick and this afternoon just feels a bit uncomfortable. Basically the shock of it coming out of nowhere and the blood everywhere was the worst of it.

In the future, I will try to avoid getting punched in the throat by blocking with my nose.
posted by Hoopo at 3:33 PM on June 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


how they ever managed to adjust to the clothing demands of the modern workplace I'll never know.

Oh man, I once worked with a geologist who got paid hundreds of thousands of dollars by oil companies for his field geology expertise, but who was notorious for doing his fieldwork in the nude. So when working on a field project with him, I'd be hiking along and would come upon this pile of neatly folded clothing on a rock. And there on a distant hill would be Bill, nothing on but his boots, cheerfully swinging his rock hammer.
posted by barchan at 3:43 PM on June 26, 2014 [58 favorites]


I should have been a geologist.
posted by stoneweaver at 3:59 PM on June 26, 2014 [16 favorites]


rock hammer

worst euphemism ever
posted by Namlit at 4:19 PM on June 26, 2014 [51 favorites]


. . . . oh shitknickers, I didn't...I didn't mean to do that.
posted by barchan at 4:26 PM on June 26, 2014 [17 favorites]


Since we're talking about kids, my 1 1/2 year old daughter came very close to breaking my nose last night, for a few minutes I thought she had. She's a big girl for her age, and she decided to stand up perform some kind of reverse bodyslam and whip the back of her big round bowling-ball head right into my nose as I was just laying there. Blood everywhere. The sheets, the carpet, the wall, dripping down my legs to my feet which I didn't notice until later. Even found more this morning.

Just thought I'd share. I got beat up by a toddler.



When my then 14 or 15 month old stomped on my face, it kind of landed me in surgery. So I can relate.
posted by Michele in California at 4:47 PM on June 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


I bought a stunning royal blue betta fish for my classroom and his name is George.

George Clooney, if you must know all the details.

George mostly hangs out in his Spongebob pineapple. Sometimes he gets in front of his water filter bubbler and lets the bubbles push him around the tank.

Students come over to check on his fishiness and he ignores them.

George doesn't care.

But George is in love with one of my students, Maddie.

No lie. Whenever Maddie comes over to the aquarium, George SPEEDS over to the glass and I SWEAR I AM NOT KIDDING, he delicately floats and flutters his pretty fins slowly BACKANDFORTHANDBACKANDFORTH for her.

When she walks away he goes back in his pineapple.

I have a creepy betta fish named George.
posted by kinetic at 5:16 PM on June 26, 2014 [20 favorites]


More like beta fish amirite.
posted by running order squabble fest at 5:29 PM on June 26, 2014 [6 favorites]


No lie. Whenever Maddie comes over to the aquarium, George SPEEDS over to the glass and I SWEAR I AM NOT KIDDING, he delicately floats and flutters his pretty fins slowly BACKANDFORTHANDBACKANDFORTH for her.

I have an opaline gourami (Marcus*) who does this for my mom! He absolutely loves her, he always comes out and "waves" to her, like George does for Maddie, when my mom goes to look at Marcus's tank. It's pretty adorable. No idea why he's so in love with my mom, and only my mom, but he's reacted like that since the first time he saw her.

*He's named after Marcus Aurelius.
posted by rue72 at 6:00 PM on June 26, 2014 [5 favorites]


OK, I don't know which I love the most:

1) Rock Hammer: the worst most awesomest euphemism for a geologist's, ah, instrument ever.

2) That barchan didn't intend it to be a euphemism.

3) The subsequent reaction of barchan being "oh shitknickers"!

<3!!!
posted by Celsius1414 at 6:10 PM on June 26, 2014 [28 favorites]


ACK! Thanks for the heads-up Empress! Glad it made some of you laugh - it was a trial at the time, but once my partner got home and asked 'so, much trouble washing it?' I'd seen the humorous side. To answer some questions:

soundsofsuburbia is correct, that's the pony I'm talking about (ain't she sweet? Also, she still is soft and lovely)

empath: "Given the proclivities of some of the furry community, and bronies in particular, I think I would not allow my daughter to have a used, filthy life-sized MLP."

Well, that's why I was SO intent on cleaning it thoroughly.

(It all looked like usual kid 'drag the pony around the house and through the yard' dirt, rather than suspicious sticky/dried out sticky and there were no modifications.)

(*shudder*)

Gaspode, Brandon Blatcher, desjardins, item, Hoopo and others: The family joke is that I should have taken pictures because fetish goldmine, but I am a prude (hence keeping my underwear on) so no go. But yes, that innate prudishness (not quite a never-nude but very close) and also 'oh god, I never ever want my genitals touching a plush toy from the flea market'. And since I did have to sit astride the blasted thing at several points, that was a concern. And hug it, effectively. It was a full body experience.

I did forget to add that through the entire washing process, my overly precocious and incredibly articulate daughter is shouting advice like "MUMMY, YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL OF HER EYES" and "it's okay Minty, mummy will be done soon" and trying to get in the tub to help by holding the stuffed pony's head out of the water.

(and yes, I love my daughter very much and she adores her Minty, as do all of her friends and half of mine) (my favourite part of the story is when she bought it, out on an excursion with my parents and when my mother tried bluffing her out of the purchase with 'it'll be all of your money' and 'it's too big in the car' my daughter stared her down, told her exactly how much change she would have from the fiver Poppa gave her, and pointed out that if it didn't fit in our very tiny car we could borrow their SUV, and my mother caved. You can imagine my face as they struggled up the ramp with that when they came home...)
posted by geek anachronism at 7:36 PM on June 26, 2014 [83 favorites]


OH DEAR GOD YOU'VE JUST MADE THIS AN EVEN FUNNIER STORY.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:44 PM on June 26, 2014 [8 favorites]


It's really excellent.
posted by sweetkid at 7:53 PM on June 26, 2014


my favourite part of the story is when she bought it

I was wondering when you said "she bought it" given that she's a tiny child, but I figured there was an explanation and she's not a wee entrepreneur.
posted by sweetkid at 7:54 PM on June 26, 2014 [1 favorite]


but did the pony have a showerbeer
posted by en forme de poire at 12:08 AM on June 27, 2014 [5 favorites]


when my mother tried bluffing her out of the purchase with 'it'll be all of your money' and 'it's too big in the car' my daughter stared her down, told her exactly how much change she would have from the fiver Poppa gave her, and pointed out that if it didn't fit in our very tiny car we co

Keep an eye on that one and let us know how those teenage years go.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:56 AM on June 27, 2014 [12 favorites]


*He's named after Marcus Aurelius.

A stoic putting on a display like that? You should rename him Nero. Or Elagabalus.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:12 AM on June 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


Dear askme, is my bird a pervert?

many birds are perverts. One of mine likes to have his way with his food dish. The weirdest part is that he likes to say the english words that he knows while doing it.

hello...(heavy breathing)...good boy (pant pant wolf whistle) ...hello..hello...

I can't imagine what he thought I was saying to him when I taught him those words.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:56 AM on June 27, 2014 [14 favorites]


is 'showerbeer' a thing?
posted by evil_esto at 3:00 AM on June 27, 2014


Don't go there evil_esto
posted by Ned G at 3:35 AM on June 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


My Agent K went through a public stripping stage that made outings hard when he was three. Once I took him to Wal-Mart and turned away to read the labels on an outfit, and when I turned back he had undone his overalls and removed his shirt, socks, and shoes. The only reason his pants were still on was because he couldn't figure out how to get his legs out of the seat holes.
posted by FunkyHelix at 4:17 AM on June 27, 2014


is 'showerbeer' a thing?

In case it isnt abundantly clear, it should always be a bottle because it keeps most of the shower water out. A narrow mouth can can work, but if you are the type of guy who drinks narrow mouth cans then you probably aren't the type of guy who drinks in the shower. It is a decent idea to keep an insulated travel mug around, or a cup with a lid and straw (though they are a hassle to clean) in case the shower beer feels like it needs to be a shower mixed drink. Heck, get a little cooler and you can go full Kramer in there.
posted by Literaryhero at 4:43 AM on June 27, 2014 [5 favorites]


I am a huge, huge shower beer proponent. I don't do bottles because I'm clumsy and prefer fewer lacerations, but cans and, as mentioned, travel mugs, are totally fine. Although I do take issue with the narrow-mouth can comment. Just because I'm drinking in the shower doesn't mean I have to drink bad beer.

There is absolutely nothing better after sweating outside in the sun than a cool shower with a cold beer.
posted by uncleozzy at 4:50 AM on June 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


How can it be that after all these years of both drinking beer and getting all hot and sweaty mowing the lawn that I had never even considered the showerbeer possibility. You can bet this will be happening in the near future. Thank you, MeFi!
posted by Curious Artificer at 6:23 AM on June 27, 2014 [9 favorites]


evil_esto: is 'showerbeer' a thing?

See another recent MeTa thread for the showerbeer discussion. There you'll get into the discussion of other bathing + drinking combinations, temperatures of said drinks, and so forth.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:14 AM on June 27, 2014 [6 favorites]


i love this thread so much.
posted by nadawi at 7:15 AM on June 27, 2014 [6 favorites]


Noooooooooooooo, now we've got two open threads where we have to argue about shower beer. No one offer to swap an eagle for a football shirt or I think metatalk might implode.
posted by Ned G at 7:17 AM on June 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


Oh damn, how did I miss that.

Also Natty Light wasn't included, but I did do a double-blind cheap-beer taste-test about 4 or 5 years ago, and the winner by leaps and bounds was Schaefer, for what it's worth. Double-digit win, wasn't even close. I think PBR or maybe Schlitz came in second.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:27 AM on June 27, 2014


Oooooh man , add me to the list of people that had previously not considered showerbeer after yardwork. I know what I'm doing this weekend!

I do have a friend who extols drinking in the shower as an efficient way to pre-game before you go out, to the extent where he installed a special shelf in his shower to hold his drink. Up high, in the back corner to minimize contamination.
posted by Fig at 7:44 AM on June 27, 2014


"What's that, hon? Nah, I'm just reading about people who drink beer in the shower while they wash dirty ponies in their underwear."

"Yes, it's MeFi"
posted by Mooski at 7:46 AM on June 27, 2014 [24 favorites]


In the sauna, on the other hand, cans seem to be more appropriate, 'cause even though they heat up fast, they also cool down fast, and if you take your snow-dip break (or lake-dip), just take it out to settle back to normal. A glass bottle gets hot and stays hot.

aah. sauna beer. blisterlips
posted by Namlit at 7:51 AM on June 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


(just to forestall questions: no, my sauna isn't big enough for ponies)
posted by Namlit at 7:52 AM on June 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


Also Natty Light wasn't included, but I did do a double-blind cheap-beer taste-test about 4 or 5 years ago, and the winner by leaps and bounds was Schaefer, for what it's worth. Double-digit win, wasn't even close. I think PBR or maybe Schlitz came in second.

Schaefer was the first beer I ever had, and I found out to my delight some years later that its slogan was "The one beer to have when you're having more than one."

So, so true.
posted by MoonOrb at 8:19 AM on June 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Schaefer was the first beer I ever had, and I found out to my delight some years later that its slogan was "The one beer to have when you're having more than one."


Wow. I wonder what didn't make the cut?

"Because blackout drunk shouldn't have to taste like White-Out"
"The unforgettable taste you won't remember having."
"Hey, drunkie!"
posted by running order squabble fest at 8:37 AM on June 27, 2014 [9 favorites]


Could be worse
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:02 AM on June 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


My five year-old's moment today went like this:

Dad! Those people have a swimming pool in their front yard! I wouldn't like that. People could see my nipples and my belly button from the road while I was swimming.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:10 AM on June 27, 2014 [5 favorites]


I would like to tell a story about bathing an Afghan Hound in a bath tub.

Our dog was found roaming in the desert, clearly abandoned by his owners. We were baffled, he was a lovely dog, very sweet, a bit bitey, but other than that, no imprefections we could see.

So after attempting to find him a home, we took him in. He went to the vet, who suggested people food to beef him up as he was underfed. We took him to the groomers, to get out the mats that had formed, and paid a bill, such that my mother said, "Holy God! That's more than I pay for MY hair. Don't tell your father, he'll have a canary."

And so Scarf (or Scariff of the Desert Wind, as my mother fancied him) became a family member.

After a few months and a couple of cavorts in the desert, he became dirty. So Sissy and I decided to shampoo him. So we all went into the bathroom, bringing a Tupperware Mixing bowl to help get the suds off of him, and about 50 towels.

He stood in the tub as we patiently got him wet, and shampooed him twice with Fabrege Organics (it smelled AMAZING!). All good so far.

Then we rinsed him off, and that wen't pretty well. So he's in the tub, sopping wet, and it's time to give him some conditioner so we can start combing him, and that's when he caviled. He grumbled a bit, and then, without warning proceeded to shake himself, and shake himself, and shake himself.

I promise, there must have been about 70 gallons of dog water all over our bathroom. I was soaked, Sissy was soaked, our bath towels were soaked. Water dripped from every surface in the bathroom.

It was decided that plugging in and using a blow dryer would probably result in electrocution, so we let it go after that. After we cleaned up the water, that bathroom was pretty clean and it smelled really good.

We never tried to bathe him again, some things are best left to professionals.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:04 AM on June 27, 2014 [9 favorites]


Did I already tell the story of the French three year old who took a sneak pic of his mom showering with her iPhone? She then went off to teach (harpsichord, at the conservatiore), and wanted to show her students some pics of historical instruments and voilá.
And when she recounted her embarrassment at dinner, the little 'un fell off his chair laughing SO hard.


(I witnessed the same kid make a show of testing, smacking, rejecting and choosing between a bunch of old French stinky cheeses that was like a TV chef's performance).
posted by Namlit at 11:04 AM on June 27, 2014 [5 favorites]


So I'm like nodding and trying to breathe and stay calm, so she places her hands gently on my neck and starts shouting "OH DEAR SWEET JESUS COME INTO THIS MAN'S NECK AND REMOVE THE DEVIL LORD THE DEVIL HAS TAKEN ROOT HERE IN HIS THROAT AND HE NEEDS THE DEVIL OUT OUT I SAY LORD JESUS GET THE DEVIL OUT OF THIS MAN NOW I COMMAND YOU".

An overzealous youth group leader doing similar shit to me when I had a sore back one day (I was 15 or so, this was the late 70s) was one of the straws the broke the proverbial camel's back and led to me getting Sunday part-time jobs to give me an excuse not to go to church with my parents any more.

Some time later the annoying youth leader bought my dad's crappy used Maverick, thus proving that there was no god looking out for his welfare.
posted by aught at 11:35 AM on June 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


Did I mention menopause is great for putting an end to all this nonsense?


/great callout, Empress, thanks!
posted by infini at 4:06 PM on June 27, 2014


I love the story that inspired this thread, yessss. And the rest of it.
posted by limeonaire at 5:06 PM on June 27, 2014


Also Natty Light wasn't included, but I did do a double-blind cheap-beer taste-test about 4 or 5 years ago, and the winner by leaps and bounds was Schaefer, for what it's worth. Double-digit win, wasn't even close. I think PBR or maybe Schlitz came in second.

It's a shame that they only seem to sell Raineer in the northwest, because that shit is the best cheap pisswater beer. It's perfect for the shower, or really any other situation in which you'd go "hmm, i totally want a shitty beer right now".

Interestingly, nowhere sells Schaefer or Schlitz around here. And in my experience, PBR has gotten way shittier in the past couple years. Maybe it's just whatever subcontractor supplies washington, but it tastes completely different than it did in say, 2008-10.
posted by emptythought at 6:53 PM on June 27, 2014


Shower beer! How uncouth *returns to bubbly bath tub with an old fashioned in hand.*
posted by The Whelk at 6:55 PM on June 27, 2014 [5 favorites]


Narragansett is also okay guys
posted by en forme de poire at 6:57 PM on June 27, 2014


Rolling Rock is my go-to hot weather beer when I don't want something with more taste like Full Sail's Session or Uinta's Cutthroat. Red Stripe is perfect on a hot day but it's priced here like a premium beer, and it's not premium.

I don't tend to take long showers so a shower beer isn't really my thing, but a bath beer? Heaven.

returns to bubbly bath tub with an old fashioned in hand

What happens if you want another? Unless you have an in-house bartender, it's hard to beat the convenience of cans or bottles of beer.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:30 PM on June 27, 2014


I have a husband to do things like that and light my cigarette.
posted by The Whelk at 7:40 PM on June 27, 2014 [12 favorites]


Does he make house calls? Bath old fashioneds would be a kick ass evening. I like your style.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:42 PM on June 27, 2014


Rolling Rock is my go-to hot weather beer

Fun fact: Rolling Rock finished dead last in our tasting, further behind every other beer than Schaefer was ahead. I think everybody thought they were being tricked with soap and seltzer.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:10 PM on June 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


White Rascal, cold as you can get it, shower as hot as you can get it. Perfect cure for the post swim meet combination of freezing and sore muscles.

Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow. I've got the countdown at 15 hours... (Of course, I have 500 meters of racing and however much fiddling around warming up and warming down between now and then, but that makes no matter because SHOWERBEER.)
posted by susiswimmer at 12:56 AM on June 28, 2014


I like a glass of very cold bubbly, a few chocolates and an audiobook with a bubblebath.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:27 AM on June 28, 2014


and shampooed him twice with Fabrege Organics

Ruthless Bunny, I'm having the strongest sense memory right now of that shampoo (which WAS amazing and OMG I have to buy some NOW) and wet dog. I can smell that bathroom.

I don't care how weird that sounds.
posted by kinetic at 4:32 AM on June 28, 2014 [1 favorite]


My family's first dog was an enormous grey hairy beast who I say was a cross between a woolly mammoth and a garbage truck, though realistically she was probably part Poodle. My mother taught her how to walk wonderfully on leash, but washing her was impossible, since our bathtub had glass shower doors and she'd roll in the mud outside.

I was a horse-crazy kid, like all ten year old girls, and I struck upon a method for washing our 85lb pille of panic that worked: we'd cross-tie her. I'd put two slip leashes on her, tether one to a fence post, and hold the other tightly while hosing the dog down. She knew when she was beat, and suffered this with stoic dignity, but got us back by drying her six undercoats into whichever person's bed was cleanest.
posted by cmyk at 8:33 PM on June 28, 2014 [3 favorites]


showerbeer

Hmmmm.... showerChardonnay just doesn't have the same ring to it.
posted by jaruwaan at 4:29 PM on June 29, 2014


Showerdonnay
posted by The Whelk at 5:15 PM on June 29, 2014 [8 favorites]


The Whelk: "I have a husband to do things like that and light my cigarette."

Did you know that, in my head, your husband is Captain America?
posted by gingerest at 9:40 PM on June 29, 2014 [5 favorites]


I'm totally fine with that.
posted by The Whelk at 9:54 PM on June 29, 2014 [5 favorites]


jesus christ i go on vacation for a week and you people have two showerbeer threads
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:31 PM on June 30, 2014 [13 favorites]


Substitute teacher syndrome?
posted by infini at 12:43 PM on June 30, 2014


He's back everyone! Hide the beer!
posted by desjardins at 12:49 PM on June 30, 2014 [5 favorites]


...but go ahead and stay in the shower.
posted by MoonOrb at 12:56 PM on June 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


geek anachronism - thank you so much for sharing your hilarious tale of the surprising places parental love will take you. I do have to say that the occupation you have listed on your profile seems especially apt!
posted by 41swans at 7:14 AM on July 2, 2014


This thread made me laugh so hard, I now have a six-pack of showerbeer!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 10:35 AM on July 2, 2014


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