"Mom," I said. "He has legs."

August 23, 2015 6:52 AM

I think we're due for another "this comment made me choke on my own spit" meta thread!

Last night something made me think of Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump, and I remembered this amazing comment from compartment:

For years and years my mom believed that Gary Sinise had no actual legs. She thought he had special effects legs at the beginning of the movie.

"Mom," I said. "He has legs."

"You're just saying that because they look so realistic."

I think about that exchange and my brain just shuts down from the Sisyphean absurdity of finding yourself in unwinnable yet overwhelmingly hilarious arguments. I think I cry-laughed the first time I read it.


I'd like to spend today reading your favorite funny comments, moments where other mefites have made you giggle uncontrollably. Thank you.

No Gary Sinises were harmed in the making of this post.

posted by phunniemee to MetaFilter-Related at 6:52 AM (133 comments total)

Listen, our forefathers did not risk it all fighting giant enemy crabs so that we could sit back today and laugh at some Sony jerk.

When I die, I expect to join Crom in a place dark and cold as clay,

I refuse to listen to Radiohead, and any variant thereof.

This whole episode is all too weird.

I really wish I could help.

Seriously, this is some kind of alpha level special forces trolling going on here

OH SHIT MY CLICHE METER JUST EXPLODED

"Eye of the tiger" isn't a guitar riff.

Free Julian Assange!

I haven't looked at Dell products lately but my understanding is there's a business line and a consumer line.

Great Saxophones:

Make him a proper superhero

No, it should be Spider*Man.

It can be hard to say if something is a "cult" or not, indeed. I'll try to help:

Its like he doesn't even know he's telling lies.

"Hobbit Hole Breakfast"

What do they think will happen if Target doesn't label toys for specific genders?

and FTY

We have cameras.
posted by euphorb at 8:20 AM on August 23, 2015 [9 favorites]

It's a link (well 3) as much as the comment itself but this properly made me laugh. Just...I don't understand the inside of their brains when coming up with this is it madness or genius idk?
posted by billiebee at 8:28 AM on August 23, 2015 [14 favorites]

Not on Metafilter, but here are some absurd answers on the IMDb boards to a very similar question (did marion cottonyarl (sic) really lose her legs?) concerning the legless state of Marion Cotillard in Rust and Bone (to be fair, the SFX are even more impressive than in Forrest Gump).
posted by elgilito at 8:31 AM on August 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

Okay. Awkward.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:05 AM on August 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

routergirl:

I used to tell my sons that if they farted in public they had to sniff it all up before anyone smelled it. When my youngest was 14 he overheard me telling someone else about this, and he said, "Oh my god, I believed that until, like, a year ago!"

I just asked my son if there were any other ones he remembered (I do this a lot - make stuff up and tell it to my kids as gospel truth) and he said, "There are, but I've blocked them out due to the mental trauma of being called stupid by my friends."

posted by MonkeyToes at 9:07 AM on August 23, 2015 [25 favorites]

im on a shitty ipad with a shitty internet connection so im not even going to bother teying to link to it BUT one of the finest comments in mefi history was during the crab vending machine fpp when someone said "if that machine tips over on someone trying to steal a crab he'll be a CRUSHED ASIAN covered in CRUSTACEANS"

oh how i laughed
posted by poffin boffin at 10:07 AM on August 23, 2015 [10 favorites]

also east manitoba kabaddi etc etc's comment about the slings and arrows of outrageous 4chan should have won some kind of pulizter
posted by poffin boffin at 10:08 AM on August 23, 2015 [15 favorites]

I just finished watching Mad Men, a year behind many of you, and shakespeherian's appraisal of a minor character is brilliant. Also recently, sidereal's demonstration of steely willpower on the help line,and celsius1414's lamenting a now-defunct style.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:09 AM on August 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

A recent one, off the top of my head:

Ben Carson's responses are just a bunch of word magnets thrown at the refrigerator.

posted by Room 641-A at 10:13 AM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

It's not funny, but my favorite comment has to be a comment by Ian A.T. on the perils of a queuing system for posts ala Ray Bradbury.

Should you like to revisit all of your favorited posts in a random fashion book mark this link and mash it repeatedly.
posted by sacrifix at 10:21 AM on August 23, 2015 [11 favorites]

obiwanwasabi's story of a typical visit to Chipotle with their father-in-law.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 10:50 AM on August 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

This one really cracked me up the other day (in the onion futures thread). As well as this one (parody of crappy writing from DailyWTF).

This thread just reminds me of all the times I've tried to explain why I'm laughing so hard at Metafilter to my boyfriend and he's like "haha... ah... yeah... "
posted by easter queen at 11:27 AM on August 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

It's not funny, but my favorite comment has to be a comment by Ian A.T. on the perils of a queuing system for posts ala Ray Bradbury.

My favorite queue-related comment is garius' story of British respect for the queue.
posted by RichardP at 11:42 AM on August 23, 2015 [13 favorites]

""Hey! A taxi! I like taxis! I like red taxis! But remember you DON'T like taxis? Because remember that one time when we were walking home and a taxi came by us and it TOTALLY splashed us and I said YAY because it's like a waterslide and I loooove waterslides, but you were mad because you DON'T like waterslides, and then the taxi just gotted us all wet and you called that taxi driver --
you called that taxi guy --
you called him a --
what did you call him? "
posted by zarq at 12:01 PM on August 23, 2015 [10 favorites]

"I just asked my son if there were any other ones he remembered (I do this a lot - make stuff up and tell it to my kids as gospel truth)"

Lying to children is one of life's purest joys.
posted by klangklangston at 12:01 PM on August 23, 2015 [15 favorites]

The New Face of C-Span.
posted by ogooglebar at 12:25 PM on August 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

Regarding an AskMe about impromptu workplace poo diagnosis, I couldn't stop giggling at Marisa Stole the Precious Thing's brilliant simile.
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 12:57 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Greg Nog on AskMe answers


griphus: These are the things you drink when the wind has blown through you and made you ill
posted by coppermoss at 1:40 PM on August 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

crab vending machine

"Must we suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous 4chan?"

also the herzog as jackass one but i link to that every single time we have these threads

also this one on the I/P conflict which i can see i last linked to on november 16 2012 and possibly once before that on 06/25/10
posted by poffin boffin at 1:43 PM on August 23, 2015

This kept happening to me in the Facebook unfriending thread:

DirtyOldTown on overusing social media

Why griphus unfriended you:
The Throwback Thursday tag is for photos of you and your friends back in the day, not for posting group photos of Third Reich officers and constantly trying to tag me as Heinrich Himmler.

griphus's friend the numbers station
posted by thetortoise at 1:47 PM on August 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

billiebee's suggestion for resolving "should I eat it?" AskMes
posted by thetortoise at 1:58 PM on August 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

Here is another farting one that always makes me laugh, apparently from almost five years ago (comment by AugustWest).
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 2:06 PM on August 23, 2015 [11 favorites]

I dunno. The artisanal water thread made me choke on my own spit, but probably not the way you had in mind.
posted by Melismata at 2:24 PM on August 23, 2015

Party dog.
posted by ctmf at 2:32 PM on August 23, 2015 [19 favorites]

We will always have party dog.
posted by maxsparber at 3:13 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

There are only two types of bird is still my favourite
posted by langtonsant at 3:13 PM on August 23, 2015 [13 favorites]

Of course: African and European.
posted by Mitheral at 3:39 PM on August 23, 2015

Two recent comments that I still remember and which still make me laugh:

T.D. Strange on Donald Trump in the debate

Sangermaine on Justice Scalia's anger about the recent ACA decision
posted by triggerfinger at 3:58 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Having gone through some of my old favorites, here are a few more!

"Adults eat breakfast, John!" -Cool Papa Bell

"I have a surprise for you!" -ricochet biscuit

Removing Splinters -amanda

Cat Journal -Everybody Had Matching Towels née Troika

"It makes me sick to look at them" -freecellwizard
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 4:00 PM on August 23, 2015 [7 favorites]

That's a moray

Not Without My Wookiee

How to win an argument about bourbon (-elizardbits)

Are you married to someone AskMe told you to dump? (-It's Raining Florence Henderson)
posted by thetortoise at 4:34 PM on August 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

Good gracious, if you ask her about John Ruskin she whips out a copy of Turner's Battle of Trafalgar, does a shit on it, and screams "THE ENGLISH SCHOOL OF PAINTING IS DEAD". There's something very wrong about that. – PinkStainlessTail
posted by unliteral at 4:39 PM on August 23, 2015

Hermitosis's proposed solution to ice-cream-stealing gulls makes me chortle every time I think of it.
posted by gamera at 4:50 PM on August 23, 2015

One of my all time favorites was a comment by Space Coyote on an 2004 ask thread about someones child who talks about seeing a "swirly":

"tell her to throw stuff at it when no one else is there, when that happens and she sees it doesn't react she might be more comfortable.
If it eats her, then, well, don't fuck with the swirlie after that."
posted by Captain_Science at 5:18 PM on August 23, 2015 [5 favorites]

Greg Nog re: Dunkin Donuts
ColdChef gives us the greatest George Clooney story ever
Faint of Butt contributes an insightful maxim
rusty describes what I'm assuming is a foolproof retirement plan
applemeat on 19th c. English literature
posted by xbonesgt at 5:54 PM on August 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

This response to the Dirty Jokes for Grandma AskMe is sublime.
posted by duffell at 6:31 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Also this from maryr:

IT HAS BEEN
0
DAYS
SINCE SOMEONE WOKE UP THE SHEEPLE
posted by duffell at 6:33 PM on August 23, 2015 [11 favorites]

I've gotten more mileage out of brundlefly's Jonestown joke than pretty much any other joke I've ever heard.

I posted this in the last one of these threads, but The 10th Regiment of Foot pointing out what "Santa" can be rearranged to spell made me laugh, possibly more than anything else I've read on Metafilter.
posted by skycrashesdown at 6:33 PM on August 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

oh god i just remembered bunnytricks' glorious comment from the gary kasparov dildocopter/helicockter attack thread
posted by poffin boffin at 6:56 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

We have cameras.

Wow, i'm pretty sure that deal was for a film SLR. For $350. And people were freaking out.

It always seems like some weird alternate reality to me, even though i lived through it, that there was internet(and websites! and this site!) alongside digital cameras not being ubiquitous or the standard.

Film was just what everyone used when that post was made. Now it's a hobby that's significantly more expensive than just using a cheapo digital camera. It went from something that was as normal as drinking a can of soda to something only "hipsters" do.

And this site existed the entire time.

Tripping me the fuck out, maaaaaaaan.
posted by emptythought at 7:20 PM on August 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

"We have cameras" is my all-time favorite.
posted by Majorita at 7:52 PM on August 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

It's always trippy reading old posts like that. Totally different tone of conversation (even ignoring the self post) and the vast majority of posters aren't around anymore.
posted by Mitheral at 8:17 PM on August 23, 2015

I'll never be your Beast of Turin...
posted by Confess, Fletch at 8:19 PM on August 23, 2015

Loquacious and the day of the pancakes may be my favorite mefi comment of all time.

Close runners up:

Can everyone please go home now? I want to play with my penis.

Blasdelb on the difficulties of memasuring penis sizes for science.

Had I known that blowjobs do not actually involve blowing, I might have not extrapolated the theory that blowjobs were pleasurable because of air passing through one's urethra.

Apparently the quickest way to find my favorite funny comments is to wrath within my favorites for the word penis. I am a legitimate adult, I swear.
posted by ActionPopulated at 8:25 PM on August 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Thank you for posting this. I need some good silly laughing tonight.
posted by aka burlap at 8:53 PM on August 23, 2015

tl;dr windows exist and can be used as points of egress
posted by MsMolly at 9:18 PM on August 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

When your cat licks your soup and you decide you're ok with that and eat it, but then you realize it also killed a mouse and probably licked the soup with dead rodent mouth but now it's too late.
posted by MsMolly at 9:27 PM on August 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

I have to file d it again, but someone told a story about peeing on a fire that had me in hysterics.
posted by FunkyHelix at 9:48 PM on August 23, 2015

loquacious prolly
posted by poffin boffin at 9:51 PM on August 23, 2015

Don't pee on a fire.
posted by FunkyHelix at 9:55 PM on August 23, 2015 [10 favorites]

Give it time.

how many lions will we need

MeFi annual financial report.

it's called text...

Five bucks well spent.

What gets desjardins going.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:03 AM on August 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

Relationship advice care of KathrynT and her 8 year old. Although that AskMe question is pretty rough to read, that comment is both funny and excellent advice.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:19 AM on August 24, 2015 [12 favorites]

That whole "swirly" thread Captain Science mentioned is great--I recommend reading to the very end!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:21 AM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Geese are assholes
posted by Cocodrillo at 2:21 AM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Poffin boffin can't wrap presents nicely.
posted by Harald74 at 4:07 AM on August 24, 2015

Mommy, I hear kitties!
posted by kitten magic at 4:34 AM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

"We're crepuscular now."
posted by Wolfdog at 5:01 AM on August 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

Recently, robocop is bleeding's contribution to the brosé thread: MUSCLE JUICE!

The first time I surprised myself by laughing manically at a thread was flapjax at midnight's 2009 comment about Crystal Gale's bus theft.

I still crack myself up by muttering "Muscle Juice!" or "Not without her bus, she ain't," and there is no way I can explain to anyone else why I'm having that reaction. Thanks, Metafilter.
posted by bibliowench at 6:09 AM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Ode to a Buttered Cat
posted by zarq at 6:37 AM on August 24, 2015 [6 favorites]

Mommy, I hear kitties!

The best part of that story of mie's is that it gave us Ode to a Buttered Cat.
posted by maryr at 6:53 AM on August 24, 2015 [5 favorites]

Jinx, zarq, and thanks since now I don't have to look up the link on my phone.
posted by maryr at 6:54 AM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

I totally loved the "pee in the sink" thread, but didn't really laugh out loud until Jessamyn told people to talk about their penises here in MetaTalk.
posted by Melismata at 7:28 AM on August 24, 2015

Another great robocop comment: Now I have skull power
posted by Ned G at 7:56 AM on August 24, 2015 [5 favorites]

The OP gave a hilarious account of the role of Columbia House in her parent's relationship.

Sonascope's story about cleaning other people's shit also made me spit.
posted by Kabanos at 7:57 AM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

HERE I MADE YOU A TROMBONE!!!
posted by griphus at 8:14 AM on August 24, 2015

Ankle grab
Change
Noodles
Raccoon brick
Pinto beans
Sphincter
posted by plinth at 8:24 AM on August 24, 2015

Where does this fall in the Hero's Journey?

Call me Christian Grey Ishmael. (From the same thread: Dramatic tension)

Your deep commitment to your cause has convinced me that you are worthy.

Why Ross is the worst Friends character

When The Levee Broke

Fihsen John

Garbage People
posted by capricorn at 8:31 AM on August 24, 2015

Where is the boy food? Where is the girl food? [Pater Aletheias]

Chompsky is your mother and the other coin is a nickel. [Metroid Baby]

Oh, a trash panda. [obiwanwasabi]

I've never had anything deleted. [obiwanwasabi, again]

NEVER, EVER allow a cat to eat from your plate.... [HuronBob]

Is this 911? [Miko]

asking for a friend [Kitteh]

And while it might not inspire the kind of cry-laughter you're looking for, this deletion note from LobsterMitten will bring me unyielding joy to the end of my days.
posted by divined by radio at 8:42 AM on August 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

This comment on Reiki being for wankers still makes me laugh hard to this day.
posted by Betelgeuse at 9:24 AM on August 24, 2015

I now know that baby mammoth in the Chauvet Cave in France (scroll down) is a racing mammoth.

I'm a sucker for kooky kid jokes:

My son, at age 5, created this version:

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting Willie Nelson!
Interr--
On the ROAD AGAIN

Two exits. Two exits for a nowhere town. I scream obscenities into the unlistening grasslands.

emptythought: Tripping me the fuck out, maaaaaaaan.

To quote Bill Nye making fun of Neil deGrasse Tyson: "like oh, wow." (It's cool though, Bill and Neil are best buds.)
posted by filthy light thief at 10:47 AM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

please stop stepping on my foot [desjardins]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:52 AM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Greg Nog identifies the murder weapon in a Hannibal episode
posted by mama casserole at 11:09 AM on August 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

Robots, man. They're nothing but heartbreak. Robots ain't shit.
posted by St. Sorryass at 11:47 AM on August 24, 2015 [7 favorites]

Just a funny response to taking one's penis off the grid.
(even better if you read in the style of a Pink Floyd song.)
posted by iamkimiam at 12:08 PM on August 24, 2015

oy! Accio Burberry is everything to me
posted by invitapriore at 12:39 PM on August 24, 2015

I've had President Nixon's voice in my head saying
"This cottage cheese is too spicy!" for the last month. (Thanks a lot, poffin boffin!)
posted by usonian at 12:40 PM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

"Read the room, nerds" is a hard thing to codify.
--
a haiku to commemorate the occasion
--
So one day I notice the batteries in the tv remote are dead. I go into the kitchen, rustle around in the mcgyver drawer for some AAs and pull out a live mouse. I looked at him, he looked at me - it's hard to say who was more surprised.
--
I would be frightfully afraid I might wake up thirsty in the middle of the night.
--
I'm going to tell you about the tattoo I don't have that caused a bit of an incident in my family.
--
Remember, folks, see your doctor if your...
--
That article describes drinking rosé as "pounding pink" ಠ_ಠ
--
"come be the master of your own domain here in jerry seinfeld's apartment"
--
"Do it," Ana breathed. "Peck my ladymuffin. Peck it with your sex-beak!"
--
I have noticed that no one usually expects a 5'2" Asian woman to knee them in the groin.
--
How to get good queso
posted by zarq at 12:40 PM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

also every time I think about how robocop is bleeding is raising the most metal child alive
posted by invitapriore at 12:43 PM on August 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

God, this has got to be the angriest the audience of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me Has been since Maude was cancelled.

This tedious bullshit has been knocked down so many times it could be the subject of a Chumbawamba song.

pants that scream when someone's leg touches them

He's still Big Man on the competitive ascot circuit.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Hotpocket c'ooks evn'ligh fhtagn

When you're swimming along and an eel bites yer bum, that's a moray.

And my Greg Nog choice:


1.33. A man lies dead next to a feather.

jesus christ these are so easy
posted by maxsparber at 12:52 PM on August 24, 2015 [6 favorites]

Again with the farting: Jabberjaw on inter-stall warfare.
posted by sapere aude at 12:57 PM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Greg Nog really has a Thing about birds.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:00 PM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

The only acceptable way to shave.
posted by jedicus at 1:03 PM on August 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

(Which has some potentially problematic language, but I choose to believe it's part of the satire of hypermasculine shaving culture.)
posted by jedicus at 1:09 PM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

You know, this is reminding me that I love when Metafilter covers aquatic invertebrates. The crab vending machine and the inseminating parboiled jellyfish are two of my all time favorite threads.
posted by maryr at 1:33 PM on August 24, 2015

"I'm a medieval executioner and I also hit people with my axe until they die but I don't want to be lumped in with these guys"
posted by poffin boffin at 2:08 PM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

GOD i have 100 loads of laundry to do and instead i am reading thousand comment threads and cackling

metafilter ruins lives
posted by poffin boffin at 2:16 PM on August 24, 2015 [10 favorites]

Seeba just posted this winner.
posted by lharmon at 2:34 PM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

I feel like I should chime in here

My absolute favorite "Metafilter: "
posted by Mchelly at 3:17 PM on August 24, 2015

The very recent 'rats in the shitter'

(Also, I was thinking about getting a tat from the caves of Chauvet, and also have worries about appropriation, but missed that question, so this thread is awesome. As are racing mammoths. )
posted by Fig at 4:51 PM on August 24, 2015 [4 favorites]

God, I think I laughed at Rats in the Shitter for 10 minutes straight
posted by thetortoise at 5:13 PM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

More recent ones:

After several months of eating nothing but salmon, you'd be pretty desperate for a Breath Saver too.

Jonathan Franzen's slow transformation into Lucille Bluth.
posted by ActionPopulated at 5:48 PM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

AAAAHHH APPLES AGGRRGGGHH
Man, if anything, it's even more relevant these days.
posted by AV at 7:07 PM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Oh and I don't know what it says about me that this one sticks out, but
this whole thread about whether it's appropriate to make dietary recommendations based on noises from the adjoining bathroom stall.
posted by AV at 7:15 PM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

AAAAHHH APPLES AGGRRGGGHH led me to Salad ba.
posted by moonmilk at 7:24 PM on August 24, 2015

this whole thread about whether it's appropriate to make dietary recommendations based on noises from the adjoining bathroom stall.

how

why
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:35 PM on August 24, 2015

feckless fecal fear mongering: "this whole thread about whether it's appropriate to make dietary recommendations based on noises from the adjoining bathroom stall.

how

why"

eponysterical
posted by snap, crackle and pop at 7:40 PM on August 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

Sunny's doctor.
posted by southern_sky at 8:42 PM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

UGH, RASPBERRIES ONCE AGAIN?! THE ABYSS AWAITS; BRING ME UNKNOWN FRUITS FROM THE FURTHEST NATIONS
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:27 PM on August 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

ow ow ow. My stomach hurts from laughing at all these stories.

Also I gigglesnorted at "Rats in the shitter."
posted by mogget at 9:42 PM on August 24, 2015

Sometimes if I need a giggle I just look through ND¢'s most favorited comments; there are a ton of good ones in there.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 5:36 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

Um, so, it probably says something terrible about me, but for some reason this comment by double block and bleed in the "Voldemort is Polling Better than Many Presidential Candidates" FPP always makes me laugh.
posted by litera scripta manet at 7:02 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

The following comments are pretty good too: "Say what you will about Voldemort, but at least he stands for something."
posted by maryr at 7:23 AM on August 25, 2015 [2 favorites]

This one just posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9, describing a basic incompatibility in a relationship, just made my day: ... it's like he has hemophilia and you are edward scissorhands. Not a good match.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:40 AM on August 25, 2015

It's not that New Yorkers are picky per se...
--
"There is a cabal. His name is Matt."
--
What would happen if an 800-kiloton nuclear warhead detonated above midtown Manhattan?
--
Have there ever been any posts on the Blue you found too late?
--
It's the eternal question.
posted by zarq at 10:25 AM on August 25, 2015

He needs mouse bites to live!
posted by matildaben at 11:31 AM on August 25, 2015 [10 favorites]

Chalk another one up for Rats in the Shitter.

Also, I didn't realize how eponysterical this is until now--I just marked it for being funny.
posted by dlugoczaj at 12:01 PM on August 25, 2015

Oh, man... I have too many, too many, haid melting! But there should be a special term for minimalist math induced drollery:

#26: Obey all trafic sines

Now this kid is just going off on a tangent.

posted by dr_dank
____________

Here's the Palin one, a nice round 5555 comments.

That's odd.

posted by ChurchHatesTucker

I have more of these gems bookmarked, but math searching is hard.
posted by taz (staff) at 2:44 AM on August 26, 2015 [3 favorites]

theredpen's comment in response to Sylvester Stallone's designer pen is a thing of beauty to me and is perhaps my all time favorite:

"I get the feeling he described it to an artist and kept saying "That's good, but way more badass!" and the artist finally was like, "Fine, I'll make it totally over the top just to get him to stop!" And then the artist went to town with the Skulls! And more CHAOS! And when Syl saw it, he said, "Yes, that is totally it!" and the artist went home and drank all night."
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 4:25 AM on August 26, 2015 [3 favorites]

You heartless bastard.
--
7:15 am. Kabanos Jr. walks into the kitchen.
--
O: mommy, where's my grandpa?
Me: he's in heaven
O: that's far away. (silence)
--
"Mom, Dad, I need help."
--
Office worker: H for hotel. E for echo. L for lima.
--
Well look no further than New York City, my friend!
posted by zarq at 9:22 AM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]

How has nobody mentioned The Wheel?
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:24 AM on August 26, 2015

That toddler thread is full of gems.

Oh! My boots! I want boots on!
posted by MsMolly at 9:57 AM on August 26, 2015

Cool Papa Bell nails the response to this comment in a cute-puppy-SLYT thread.
posted by xbonesgt at 12:11 PM on August 26, 2015 [3 favorites]

Now I'm gonna have that Rats in the Shitter song stuck in my head all week.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:42 PM on August 26, 2015

Ratio's jawdropping feat of breadcraft!
posted by brundlefly at 12:46 PM on August 26, 2015

Rainbow sharties still causes me problems if I happen to remember it out of the blue while in public.
posted by you must supply a verb at 2:16 PM on August 26, 2015

But wait, there's more! These are all just from this year.

>PUT CAMERA ON STICK [Joe in Australia]

My parents did this to me when I was younger... [johnnydummkopf]

FOOL-ISH HU-MAN! [GenjiandProust]

Prune. Or possibly Screaming Prune. [poffin boffin]

Nice ally ya got there. [Greg Nog]

kind of like an anti SETI project [Literaryhero]

...and last but certainly not least: winna does the math (and feeds the lions).
posted by divined by radio at 2:41 PM on August 26, 2015 [1 favorite]

There's an old comment I can't find about a cat (of course) who, day after day, jumped onto a plate glass coffee table. Until one day, the glass was removed, to have a scratch or chip fixed, and the cat jumped anyhow and fell through, ass over teakettle, with a dumbfounded look on its face. And the point was, if the cat couldn't tell the glass was gone, How did it know it could jump on it in the first place? I still laugh and then hmmm every time I remember it.
posted by mrbigmuscles at 6:52 PM on August 26, 2015 [5 favorites]

You guys, I had a minor surgery this morning and I found this thread last night and I spent the ramp-up to the surgery before the anesthesia and the afternoon cackling and showing my partner all the best ones.

I love all of you so much in this moment.
posted by sciatrix at 8:08 PM on August 26, 2015 [7 favorites]

I've been waiting for an opportunity to declare that I ain't no Houellebecq girl, because that was probably the most clever pun I've ever heard.
posted by Soliloquy at 9:02 AM on August 27, 2015 [7 favorites]

More one-liners than stories, and probably only I think half of these are funny, but:

The Whelk on possums

The Whelk again

The first comment in this thread is the snappiest inside joke ever, but you have to know the MeFi post it references and probably watch the video in the post first.

Another math joke

Sys Rq on the AP stylebook

The four comments starting here are a one-act play

Taco bell

Greg Nog with almost an oxford comma joke?
posted by axiom at 5:47 PM on August 27, 2015

I'm fairly sure I posted this in another funniest-comments thread, but this is easily my all-time favorite:

Damn That Television reacts to the engagement of Archie and Veronica

And this one was responsible for making me crack up in the middle of a museum:

You know why the British don't make computers? They couldn't figure out how to get them to leak oil.
posted to MetaFilter by thelonius at 12:35 PM on August 2, 2013 [44 favorites −]

...so when this was posted I thought it was pretty funny. But then a year later I was at Bletchley Park, looking at a replica of Turing's code-breaking machine, and I swear to god, the thing has a huge fucking oil pan underneath it!
posted by equalpants at 7:26 PM on August 27, 2015 [9 favorites]

I am going to repost kyrademon's perfect shaggy-dog font joke entire because that thread is so long it barely loads.

> "I always thought Garamond sounded like a weapon name."

In the fourth year of the reign of Emperor Trajan, my legions were attacked by the Calibri in the hills of Helvetica. The canny tribesmen made their assault before we could reach and lay siege to the city of Gentium, thereby rendering useless our trebuchets and high towers.

My couriers soon reported that the Calibri, as was their normal habit, had assembled a force of light cavalry, clad in copperplate gothic and armed with arials, while also bearing short onyx used for close-in fighting. They relied on speed and maneuverability in the rough terrain, using their arials to fire flaming caslons into our midst and then retreating.

A generation ago, this tactic would have wrought grievous damage. But by the grace of the gods, this was a more modern era, and I was able to deploy a force of heavy infantry, armored in stout verdana and armed with the new garamonds. No cavalry, however fleet, can stand long against a trained force armed with garamonds.

So this I say to the fools who have said that our armies have fewer meliors and sylfaens than they have at any time since the war with the Lucida Sans. We have no need of such toys now. Those are the weapons of the old Rome – a century old style.

And these are the Times New Roman.

posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 10:42 AM on August 28, 2015 [20 favorites]

I am going to repost kyrademon's perfect shaggy-dog font joke entire because that thread is so long it barely loads.

That was a bold choice!
posted by Celsius1414 at 11:23 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

Just now. Very glad I wasn't currently drinking, otherwise bye bye laptop.
posted by davidjmcgee at 3:03 PM on August 28, 2015

"plo chops"? I literally don't understand either, dhartung...

BLOW JOBS! HE WAS REFFERING TO BLOW JOBS! You weirdo prudes!
posted by RakDaddy at 8:24 PM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Okay, I'm linking to my own comment, but only because it was the instigation for a series of really brilliant riffs on the theme of "family-friendly reboots of dark gritty movies". Everybody was awesome and you should favorite all their comments and buy them beers.
posted by ardgedee at 5:22 PM on August 29, 2015

It is pitch black in the Watergate hotel...
posted by Alterscape at 9:12 PM on August 29, 2015

The Whelk discussing his style of eating a KFC
posted by smcniven at 9:16 PM on August 29, 2015

This comment from Lemuria describing dirty talk during sex always makes me chuckle.
posted by jragon at 8:43 AM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

Jumping over to Ask, I still chuckle about the first five answers to this question whenever I remember it.
posted by The Man from Lardfork at 5:50 AM on August 31, 2015

You were right at the goal line!! And then you tried to showboat a little and you fumbled the ball and now you've just brought shame on your entire family.
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:19 PM on September 1, 2015

That is precisely the correct time for an automated system to gracefully bow out and say "some kind of fucking monkey thing, hell if I know. I'm gonna have a cigarette while you primates sort this shit out."
posted by Ryvar at 7:53 PM on September 1 [2 favorites −] [!]
posted by Drinky Die at 8:11 PM on September 1, 2015

In trying to help answer the question of rhino bladder capacity, Kandarp Von Bontee recounted a short but vivid tale of a traumatic school trip to the zoo.
posted by Kabanos at 7:42 AM on September 18, 2015

Myth of the Cave at Emptor.
posted by Kabanos at 8:04 AM on September 18, 2015 [1 favorite]