Grief and Coping Thread: Election 2016 November 9, 2016 5:07 PM   Subscribe

I think we need this right now; a thread not about politics but about coping with the grief USians and others are feeling on this day. If we have nothing else, we have each other.
posted by emjaybee to MetaFilter-Related at 5:07 PM (771 comments total) 64 users marked this as a favorite

i wonder if target shooting is as cathartic as some say it is
posted by pyramid termite at 5:08 PM on November 9, 2016 [5 favorites]


I am watching a cat documentary. I can't eat much today but popsicles seem to be ok.
posted by emjaybee at 5:10 PM on November 9, 2016 [9 favorites]


It's been a rough goddamn day for a whole lot of people. Be kind to each other, folks.

My wife and I had some intense talks about where we are in our lives and whether that's really matching up with our values, and ultimately decided we need to focus some of our resources in different places, away from the suburban lifestyle that we fell into by default towards something smaller, more intentional and that will leave us time, energy and money to do more good in the world. It's rough, and will entail moving away from my in-laws and her lifelong home area, but we're both feeling good about it. We can't solve the nation's problems, but at least we can live a lifestyle we can be proud of.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 5:12 PM on November 9, 2016 [133 favorites]


i'm already in a major depressive episode (since august). this isn't helping. stayed in bed today. shit. i *have* to do work, and travel this weekend. shit shit shit....
posted by j_curiouser at 5:12 PM on November 9, 2016 [10 favorites]


I may finally lose a couple pounds from the not eating. Yay?
posted by Justinian at 5:12 PM on November 9, 2016 [29 favorites]


Target shooting is indeed pretty cathartic, but cathartic shooting is expensive. I have been binge watching Netflix with my laptop open, which has been moderately helpful.

Also remember to eat. I didn't but then a fellow mefite fed me and the world seemed a little less bleak.
posted by corb at 5:13 PM on November 9, 2016 [29 favorites]


What if we don't feel grief?
posted by Ideefixe at 5:15 PM on November 9, 2016 [6 favorites]


I alternate between grief and dread. Final jeopardy answer tonight was the statue of liberty and the thought of its motto brought me to tears. I had a bowl of soup to eat today and that's all. I think the only thing that could help me cope would be meaningful action. I donated to SPLC but that doesn't make me feel better. I don't see any actionable paths forward. Just life going on, sanity and peace and love circling the drain. I guess I'll watch a comedy flick or something. But I know when I wake up tomorrow I'll feel the same. I'm completely out of coping mechanisms for this. Just totally lost. It's just the most unbelievably horrific thing. It exceeds my limits.
posted by dis_integration at 5:16 PM on November 9, 2016 [15 favorites]


I woke up this morning hoping that last night was all just a nightmare. Loading up news sites and seeing what happened... someone else said it on the blue; the last time I felt that way was on 9/11. The shock, the disbelief that this was happening in front of me, wandering around in a daze all day. I don't know what to do.
posted by indubitable at 5:17 PM on November 9, 2016 [20 favorites]


Grief is a funny thing. My dad died a few months ago so I was already legitimately grieving. But honestly? That grief is a lot, a lot, a lot easier to handle than this one, because I knew to expect it. This one was a surprise, and processing it is really difficult.

Having y'all around is great, though, so thanks for being here.
posted by mudpuppie at 5:20 PM on November 9, 2016 [38 favorites]


I went through depression overnight and mostly am at -pure, searing rage-. I can't do anything useful with it yet, but that's where I ended up.
posted by Archelaus at 5:23 PM on November 9, 2016 [6 favorites]


I'm just totally empty inside now.
posted by pemberkins at 5:24 PM on November 9, 2016 [24 favorites]


I feel grief and dread too. I could not sleep last night. I keep trying to reassure myself it won't be that bad. But my brother texted me that he is going to learn the lessons of the Holocaust and leave the U.S., and I cannot say he is over reacting. My dread goes deep. Yet, I feel too much love for the US to give up on it just yet. It was a very close election. The majority of us voted for HRC. And we have a shot at this again to a degree in 2018 and definitely in 2020.

I am sure glad of this place.
posted by bearwife at 5:24 PM on November 9, 2016 [23 favorites]


Rum and Cokes are providing some solace. And I believe in a strong pour. #ImKirkarachaAndIApproveOfThisMessage
posted by kirkaracha at 5:27 PM on November 9, 2016 [3 favorites]


Thank you for this, thank you all, thank you mods. I love you all.

I've been crying off and on all day; this is grief on top of grief I was already dealing with. I left work today after my boss said in a group meeting, if reading the news is giving you anxiety, just don't read the news. Note, what I feel is ANGER, condescending white male person.

I have the ACLU, local Quaker group, and Devonian's initial links to InfoSec open. I'm so exhausted I won't sign up/make calls tonight, but they will be open tomorrow ready for me.

Wishing peace to your hearts. Grateful for all you awesome, heartfeeling people here.
posted by vers at 5:27 PM on November 9, 2016 [5 favorites]


Did anybody else skip work today? I just couldn't get dressed. I called in a personal day. Everybody else powering through it is making me feel kind of like a baby, but I'm a freelancer and I knew I wouldn't feel good about billing my client for hours today that would have been spent clicking news and social media sites and trying to make everything go away.
posted by queensissy at 5:35 PM on November 9, 2016 [15 favorites]


a lot of my red state friends tried to power through work today and it wasn't a good choice for them. i can't believe i have to fly to like 10 different states to fight strangers on the street now.
posted by poffin boffin at 5:36 PM on November 9, 2016 [29 favorites]


restless nomad: my wife and I had the same conversation, and reached the same conclusion. I read your comment to her too. Thanks for it.
posted by Beardman at 5:37 PM on November 9, 2016 [5 favorites]


Thinking about getting a gun or two for the first time in my life. As a white woman, I'm not the target of their hate, but I want to be able to protect the people and places I love.
posted by longdaysjourney at 5:39 PM on November 9, 2016 [7 favorites]


I'm currently unemployed so: I woke up, walked in the park. Went to a 10am (pre-scheduled) volunteer orientation at an organization that offers many great programs to the homeless (food, housing, childcare, clothes, training of all kinds, assistance in finding housing, counseling, etc.). I barely thought about the election during that 90 minutes, and now I can volunteer there whenever I want, they're glad to have my help. I took another walk afterwards; it's sunny, warm and beautiful here. I called a friend and my mom. I suggest action, even if it's not directly cause-related; it's the only thing that ever helps me when I am low. The holiday season is a great time to volunteer too.
posted by soakimbo at 5:39 PM on November 9, 2016 [9 favorites]


I'm at work in Australia. My boss thinks Trump isn't that bad, has some good points, etc. Several other folks have echoed similar... they just don't get it. At all. I feel physically ill. My assistant kind of likes him...brought up the Muslim thing. Agreed that Muslims shouldn't be tracked and then started talking about how they need to integrate better and blabbering on about how all Muslim countries have problems and "Christian" ones don't, Sharia law blah blah, how the Koran is awful but the Bible has sunshine shooting out it's ass... Listing to podcasts now and... trying to work. I can go home in four hours. Ugh.
posted by jrobin276 at 5:42 PM on November 9, 2016 [7 favorites]


First thing my wife and I discussed this morning was emigration (difficulty: non-English ethnicities, chronic medical condition that is better tolerated in colder climes). No part of this is easy.
posted by infinitewindow at 5:42 PM on November 9, 2016


Thank you for this. I teach at the fourth most diverse middle school in the country and the kids really really want to talk about this and it is really really hard. I wish I could be a desk jockey for a couple weeks.

When our school district did mock elections in our deeply red state it went about 70% Clinton, 20% Trump. I don't have good answers for my kids, except for that it's hard and it's sad and it's okay to talk about it. And that I am proud they all came to school today, and happy they felt they could talk to me before or after school/class, and that most teachers at school will understand if they are sad or scared. And that I'm sad too and that I'm going to leave work earlier than usual and go for a bike ride in the dark and pet my dog and watch a movie with my husband and what could they do that would help them feel better? I don't know. One of them suggested I break out the chocolate, so we did that. I have so much privilege and things are going to be fine for me. My kids are going to lose their health insurance and many are literally scared for their safety. I am too.

I am proud that I didn't cry in front of them today, but I am tearing up now. Time for that bike ride.
posted by charmedimsure at 5:45 PM on November 9, 2016 [27 favorites]


I keep having the problem where I feel like I want to just check out of politics forever and only care about my little family; it would be easier, I'm sure I could justify it to myself.

But then I've basically shrugged while the world goes to hell.

But then, what can I realistically do?

My (UU) church is offering a gathering on Thursday for dealing with the election. I am hoping that there will be people there who can help me find vigils, protests and other actions I can take because otherwise I'm going to lose my mind. I need something to hold onto to find my hope again.
posted by emjaybee at 5:49 PM on November 9, 2016 [17 favorites]


Did anybody else skip work today? I just couldn't get dressed. I called in a personal day.

Yep! I intended to go to work, and felt like maybe being around other people who are as distraught and disappointed as I am would be cathartic. But I was also worried that it would just make me cry all day, in public, which is a thing I can do just as well at home.

Also, when I put my pot of coffee on this morning, I set the actual coffeepot on the counter instead of on the coffeemaker. Went away to brush my teeth, came back, and there was a big puddle of coffee and coffee grounds all over the counter and on the floor. It was at that point that I realized a) I wasn't going to be productive today, and b) I shouldn't be operating anything more complicated than a coffeepot. I emailed my boss and was totally honest about both of those things, and he was very understanding.

He also asked me not to use the stove.
posted by mudpuppie at 5:51 PM on November 9, 2016 [66 favorites]


Did anybody else skip work today?

My husband called in sick for the first time in four years. I work from home as a freelancer and had already rearranged my deadlines ahead of time to enjoy or despair the outcome.

I went to bed crying and woke up just before dawn planning to tell my husband about the horrible dream I'd had. Reality hit me after about 90 seconds and I started crying all over again. My husband and I stayed in the dark bedroom until 3:00 pm and finally got up to choke down a little food.

We spent about an hour talking about how to get through the next few days as we process this fresh hell (home alone together except for work tomorrow then, mercifully a three-day weekend). Then we watched Luke Cage kick some ass on Netflix. (Non-spoiler, a major scene in the second to last episode is super timely and made me smile for the first time in 24 hours.)

Come Monday, we'll regroup and figure out what part we can play in making sure this never fucking happens again.
posted by _Mona_ at 5:51 PM on November 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


I feel gutted. I feel like a ghost. I know America has always been an imperfect nation, rife with racism and sexism and all sorts of grudges and problems, but still... A friend last night said, "This is the most unwelcome I've ever felt in my own country." We cried together and wondered what we could do, moving from grief to rage to numbness. I want to do more than donate/volunteer.

Thank you, Metafilter, for helping to preserve my sanity this election season. The arc of the moral universe is fucking long. 2018, let's go.
posted by ilicet at 5:53 PM on November 9, 2016 [24 favorites]


In terms of non-self-aggrandizing work: I signed up to volunteer with the MIRA Coalition (which works on immigration reform in Massachusetts) and the Criminal Justice Policy Coalition (prison reform). One of my Spanish professors works with MIRA, and Gentleman Caller suggested the CJPC because he's worked with them at his day job as a prison librarian. I have all this White privilege and I might as well put it to use.

I feel weird talking about my music right now, but as you may know I busk on the subway in Boston. This weekend I will be playing a set of songs by The Clash, since we need Joe Strummer more than ever right now.

I sound more together than I am. My heart is broken.
posted by pxe2000 at 5:53 PM on November 9, 2016 [18 favorites]


Did anybody else skip work today?

I left early. I said it was to enjoy the unseasonably warm weather, which is partly true. But also because I was putting too much energy into holding back tears. And in the back of my mind I keep thinking about the "unseasonably warm" weather's likely connection with the climate change we probably won't be fighting very well for a while.

As it turns out, a Google search for "angry music" is emotionally helpful.
posted by traveler_ at 5:55 PM on November 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


We smashed the Royal Doulton with the hand painted periwinkles.
posted by clavdivs at 5:57 PM on November 9, 2016 [15 favorites]


I've been home most of the day. Feeling pretty numb, trying (and mostly failing) to get some work done. I ended up going to bed at six am, sleeping for about three hours, and then taking another hour past that to actually get out of bed.

I managed a shower, and that's my big accomplishment for the day. I think I've stopped crying. I'll have to do better tomorrow.

At this point I'm trying to figure out what I can do to help. How do I use my skills to try to make these upcoming years better for the people in this country who are hurting? I don't know where that is yet, or what to do. It all just seems so big and hopeless right now. Maybe I need to find some local MeFites and coordinate.

Thanks, everyone, for being awesome these last few months. Thanks in particular to the mods for your patience. I am still absolutely gutted, but I refuse to stop here and let them beat me.
posted by Salieri at 6:00 PM on November 9, 2016 [3 favorites]


I slightly lost it today. Decided to at least try to toughen up for the sake of my nephew, and other people's nephews, nieces, etc. The ugliness in evidence today isn't permanent, or necessary, or the whole story. Our better nature depends on civilization. And that is fragile, and has to be defended, cultivated, all the time. What I can achieve is modest, and I'm not in the best health, but I'm not in the worst, either, and there is something I can do.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:02 PM on November 9, 2016 [8 favorites]


Did anybody else skip work today?

I did. I'd asked for the day off in advance and I really fucking needed it. My boss sent me a couple texts to check up on me, which was kind of him. I'm probably still going to be a wreck at work tomorrow. Whatever. Work needs doing, and I'll get through it, and then I think I'll go catch a showing of Arrival after work at the nice theater with the recliner seats. I'm gonna go visit my parents this weekend because I really want to be with my family right now and I really need it judging by the fact that just typing that made me tear up.

I just--need a minute. I need a minute before joining the fight.
posted by yasaman at 6:04 PM on November 9, 2016 [12 favorites]


Woke up this morning still in shock after having gone to bed really late and half drunk.

I was intending to avoid FB, but I went over and I'm glad I did. Lots of support and love from friends of all kinds. The hardcore Bernie fan on my friends feed whose posts I had always just scrolled by I unfollowed--it seemed like self-care to avoid his smug, self-righteous "I told you so" and not just petty sore loserism.

Then I spent the day crying off and on (the local classical music station I was listening to played Barber's Adagio sometime after lunch and I was absolutely inconsolable for a half hour), went for a dog walk, made a big dinner. Listening to the latest episode of Keepin It 1600 podcast helped quite a bit. The guys had a humble, unflinching take on last night and ended with a fairly hopeful message of where to go from here. I feel like tomorrow will be better and I will be in a better place to help those in my community who will be more vulnerable than I if the worst comes to pass.

Thank you metafilter for being my constant companion for this election season. I think I've had at least one tab with an election thread open on my laptop since February. You have provided wonderful insight and have been a way to stay sane. I did not post a ton, but I read every comment.
posted by chaoticgood at 6:09 PM on November 9, 2016 [9 favorites]


I haven't really participated in the election threads because they move so quickly, but I have been dipping into them, and checking the thread this morning was the first thing I wanted to do. (I fell asleep in front of the tv late last night and woke up in the middle of Trump's speech, so I already knew the outcome when I got up this morning, at 4:30am, too anxious to keep sleeping.) Thank you all for being around and being you.

I took this whole week off for what was supposed to be some serious relaxation and rejuvenation time. I did end up going to the gym and then to the local art museum today, as I had planned, because it seemed like taking care of myself and looking at beautiful things would be good things, but I felt pretty dazed the whole time. I'm similarly planning on doing the long hike I had scheduled for tomorrow, though mainly in a "I need this" way rather than a "I'm celebrating this" way. Which is ok. I had signed up a few months ago to volunteer at a conference for rural trans people (with a focus on youth, I think), so I'm doing that on Saturday, and I'm looking forward to being able to hold space for the people who need it, or even just to set up folding chairs so that people who need community can have it.

My job is serving clients with severe mental illness who are on Medi-Cal (Medicaid). I'm frightened about what dismantling the ACA is going to do to them, and to me, depending on what that means for our funding. I don't think I'll lose my job, but I think a lot of our future plans just got really complicated. And as someone with a chronic expensive illness, I'm terrified I might end up losing my job and not being able to get insurance afterward.

I've been trying to check in with people, both for my sake and theirs. I live alone, so while it would have been weird going to work, it's also a little weird not having in-person processing. Though my first moment of feeling like there might be moments of ok-ness was watching one of my cats get confused by the stream of water coming from the watering can I was holding; he kept sticking his nose up to the stream and then wrinkling his face because his nose got wet, then looking at me like it was my fault. It was a silly little moment, but I had a realization that I need to treasure those.
posted by lazuli at 6:12 PM on November 9, 2016 [10 favorites]


I truly don't know how I'm going to look my Trump-voting aunt and uncle in the eye again, and this is wrecking me because growing up I thought of them as second parents. I can't believe my silly, gracious, loving aunt and uncle who are so good in so many ways - the people who were such a sanctuary to me when my father's alcoholism was so terrifying - are the same people who actively support a presidency that will cause me actual harm as a married lesbian. That will cause actual harm to marginalized friends and colleagues. I wish I could tell them that I know - I KNOW they decided my life and my marriage don't matter, and that when it comes down to it they're fine with denying basic human rights to people like me. I wish I could tell them that I won't ever be able to forget, that I'll be thinking of this at every get-together, on every phone call, with every hug - that it will be THEM I'm thinking of with every new anti-equality bill that they've helped bring about. Fuck, I remember back in 2012, this aunt was crying over Obama's victory and how horrible the future would be for her newborn grand-niece - and today she's totally cool with the fact that the first president this now four-year-old girl will remember is President Grab Her By the Pussy.

And I was talking with my mother this afternoon and she tried to console me that "everything happens for a reason," and that just about broke me. It came from a place of love, I know, but it only stressed for me how deep the divide was - how can you possibly find the idea of a fucking evil shit so-called "plan" like this to be comforting, unless you have very little personally at risk? I feel so cut off even from people I love because they're coming at this from a "oh ha ha, people sure are dumb but oh well we'll get through this!" perspective, while I am genuinely afraid. And I can't even talk to them about it because I know I'm coming across as histrionic, and I'm weirdly angry at them for not sharing or understanding how I feel; as I spin through the grieving cycle, every time I hit "anger" it makes me want to cut them all off, but I know that isn't helpful ...

And don't even get me STARTED on mourning for what we could have had. Hillary described the kind of America I wanted to live in - she spoke to values I could actually identify with and be proud of - and the thought that this is so utterly lost just ... hurts a whole fucking lot.

emjaybee, thank you for posting this. I'm so angry and scared and sad.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:16 PM on November 9, 2016 [89 favorites]


Thank you for this thread.

I am grieving and talk about what HRC did wrong or right or whose fault it was is making me sadder.

I can't have the news because it makes me sadder.

My boyfriend is away and he is trying to console me over the phone with how Trump's damage will be contained and his words are making me sadder, because I don't have his faith (although I love him for trying).

I understood 9/11. I didn't anticipate Iraq, but I knew we were going into the ME and it would not be pretty. I mourned the deaths of my fellow New Yorkers. It was a dark time.

I don't know how to grieve for this great disorder except to wail:

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer.

The world has indeed been turned upside down. I have faith that Trump will stack his cabinet full of horribles. I have faith that Trump will use the powers of the presidency to do great harm. We need to witness this event, to chronicle it, to send our screams out and say THIS IS NOT OKAY.

But I also have faith that we will fight. We will fight to rewrite this horrible event and Trump will be a stain on the fabric of this nation and we will work to make things right again.

Yet right now we don't know how to fight.

But sometime soon, we'll have an idea how to fight. This grief, this rage, this disbelief, will not congeal, will not be deferred, no, we will fight and we will win. I will be with you, on the streets, in jail, I will be by your side.

Thank you again for this thread.
posted by angrycat at 6:17 PM on November 9, 2016 [19 favorites]


I've been going through a series of Electroconvulsive therapy treatments, and while they do seem to lift my mood somewhat, they can also play all sorts of nasty games with memory. So after I woke up from today's session, I got to re-experience last night's election results all over again. I still haven't figured out how to distract myself for any amount of time - my brain is refusing to follow stories, tv shows, or video games, and I just keep finding myself crying softly and staring into space. I feel so completely ill-equipped to handle whatever is going to come next.
posted by bibliowench at 6:18 PM on November 9, 2016 [17 favorites]


I woke up at 5am, having gone to sleep with a faint hope it might be okay in the morning, got up, went to the pool earlier than usual, and swam and swam and swam. I went to work and got a little done, but I'm not sure any of us did a ton today.

I found a women's center near me (education, resources, food in the kitchen, all sorts of things, for anyone who ids as a woman), and I've got an appointment on Monday to talk to them about volunteering (per their Facebook, 7 other people had the same idea as me today.) That felt really good to set up and I'm really looking forward to going over there.

And I've been listening to and talking to friends, mostly one on one, about stuff that might be help, or help take care of people we care about, and sharing resources.
posted by modernhypatia at 6:20 PM on November 9, 2016 [6 favorites]


Barber's Adagio

Yeah, that's a piece of music I need to avoid right now. I'm thinking about getting into blues in a serious way. Joy in pain, that's what the blues feels like. I think Langston Hughes would be listening to a fuck-ton of blues were he breathing at this moment.
posted by angrycat at 6:23 PM on November 9, 2016 [3 favorites]


Today I took down the American flag at my house. This weekend I'll burn it.

I had some hope for the future but now I know better.
posted by mightshould at 6:28 PM on November 9, 2016 [25 favorites]


My job is serving clients with severe mental illness who are on Medi-Cal (Medicaid). I'm frightened about what dismantling the ACA is going to do to them, and to me, depending on what that means for our funding.

Me, too. And if the Republicans do half the things they've been talking about with Social Security, many of my clients may be homeless and broke without even me to help them. We're already struggling to keep people housed and safe.

I've been crying all day. All I can think about are the Dreamers and others who are undocumented and came forward and were given temporary amnesty, and how that might be gone and they're on a list. About how disastrous anti-abortion laws have been in other states and how that could be country wide now; I don't want to be in a country where women die because their pregnancy went wrong and the only way to fix it is coded an "abortion", and where women who have miscarriages are incarcerated. I don't want to live in a world where Congress passes a law against gay marriage or a law against trans people being THEMSELVES. All the people depending on the ACA to stay alive - can we even identify much less help them all?

I keep thinking about Kentucky's economy - how the Republicans there instituted all of their "job friendly" laws and the economy tanked. What will happen to our refugees? What if the worst happens and the national guard is used against protests? What if they really do try to build a wall or round up Muslims into internment camps? People keep saying it can't happen here but it did - less than a hundred years ago!

I'll probably be fine. I'm old and fat and seem motherly, so I'll mostly be ignored. I'm poor and so I won't get the help Clinton would have brought by raising the minimum wage, but I have resources and a place to live. I'm just terrified for everyone else, and struggling to figure out what's the best way to help them.
posted by Deoridhe at 6:31 PM on November 9, 2016 [31 favorites]


My family didn't skip work or school but I did decide that I gave no fucks if anyone in my family was an hour late. I am functioning on autopilot. I nearly put enchilada sauce in a pie today. It's like my body is still working but the prime mover isn't there.
posted by corb at 6:39 PM on November 9, 2016 [19 favorites]


I'm just really thankful that my son is only two and not old enough to understand what's going on.
posted by beandip at 6:40 PM on November 9, 2016 [6 favorites]


Thank you for making this post. I'm not into the horse-race aspect of politics in general, and right now it feels worse to me.

I'm genuinely worried about losing my health insurance when the Medicaid expansion rolls back and then not having prescription coverage. My family would try to help me, but I don't want them to sacrifice their own security for me. All of the plans I've made to secure my future rely on having access to health care.

My sister told me getting out of the house had helped her, so that's what I did. Thank you for being here, everyone.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 6:44 PM on November 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


From an old friend:

"Not a single word. Just not one word. It never happened, it's not real. Just put it out of your mind."

He's American, I'm Canadian. Last long political chat we had was after Rob Ford's diagnosis. I'll call him in a couple of weeks.

I feel for all of you. We hope to have leaders we can look up to and be inspired by. So when this happens, we're at a loss.
posted by morspin at 6:46 PM on November 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


I couldn't sleep at all last night. Neither could my fiancee. She's distracting herself with Fry and Laurie, I'm watching Lets Play videos and feeling a deep pit in my stomach.

I'm on the academic job market right now and trying to finish my PhD. This is hell of timing.
posted by dismas at 6:49 PM on November 9, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm alternating between depression and anger.

Prior to this, my non-American wife and I had been debating where to live for the next few years. It was kind of a toss-up, there were points in favor for both of our countries. Now the choice is clear, although it won't happen overnight. Not that we will be immune to all the problems there (as its one of many countries that has been explicitly called out by Trump in a way that will almost certainly be a problem), but at least she won't have to deal with everything here.

I wish we could just leave today. I don't want to be around for this. I will still vote and donate and so on from overseas, and hope someday I could not hate my country, but that will take time.
posted by thefoxgod at 6:49 PM on November 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


I feel like a ghost today. I worked (from home) in between crying jags and impulsive internet searching things like "What's the shelf life of Plan B, and should I hoard some?"

I finally figured out one thing I could do. Someone texted me and said, "Are you hosting Thanksgiving? Because I can't go home to my family this year, I just can't." And I'm not hosting, but I found someone who was, and was welcoming to a friend-of-a-friend. I did an intro, and now they have a place to go for Thanksgiving. So I guess if you have a seat at your table this year for someone who can't face their family, that's a kindness you can offer.
posted by juniperesque at 6:52 PM on November 9, 2016 [7 favorites]


Right now, I'm out. Daydreaming about moving to Belize and wishing I wasn't too lazy to make it happen.
posted by kirkaracha at 6:57 PM on November 9, 2016


I slept 2 hours today, spent the day feeling sick. Kept nodding off and having brief nightmares. Did go and listen to some PoC college students. Currently in bath, waiting for wine and pizza.
posted by happyroach at 7:05 PM on November 9, 2016


Seriously, what can one say to the Trumpets?

I mean, I can't just act like we had a minor disagreement over an abstract principle. There are two that I work with, whom I normally respect and get along with, but I couldn't even make eye contact with them today for fear I would blurt out "How could you?" What can I possibly say to the students who come in for my help with smug grins and "Hillary for Prison" shirts? There must be some kind of consequence, but I also have to do my job. I feel like being silent will be taken as assent or acceptance, and I can't stay quiet when so much is at stake.

Is there some perfectly gentle, yet firm rebuke I can deploy? Something like "You disappointed me?" or "It's too bad you feel that way." Just give them the finger when they turn around?
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:07 PM on November 9, 2016 [8 favorites]


Hey Corb, thank you for fighting the good fight. You were in there getting shit right and left and I admire the hell out of you for it.

Also: MST3K is good filler. It has given me a few chuckles, I am away from the election, and it is soothing the panicked part of my brain.
posted by angrycat at 7:07 PM on November 9, 2016 [11 favorites]


I had a good meeting today with another pastor, a pastor of an African-American congregation about working together to create a forum for dialogue to improve race relations in our city.

As bad as I have felt all day, it was nice to do something to work for peace and justice. I guess its a start.
posted by 4ster at 7:15 PM on November 9, 2016 [11 favorites]


I think what I would love to hear some suggestions for if anyone has figured them out is how to handle my super-left white male friends that are telling me "Oh, it won't be that bad." Because I really don't know how to handle them.
posted by corb at 7:17 PM on November 9, 2016 [56 favorites]


I just finished writing the email to the whole rest of the family to inform them that I'm cutting off contact with my mother. I'm grieving for a lot of things right now, but I didn't expect this part to actually make me feel better? And yet it is? There was a poem I saw on Tumblr once, something about: I am my own person, and I can't set myself on fire to keep you warm. And this has basically been how my family has been since forever, expecting that, and meanwhile my mother's political beliefs have gotten further and further out of line with what I can consider "agree to disagree" territory.

I told them I can't keep pretending to love someone who endorses evil, and I don't, and I cried over that, but it was the best I've felt in days--including when it looked like Clinton was going to win.

Trump can win the presidency for four years, but if I win myself, hopefully I can keep that for life.

I went on Twitter and I saw people who seemed genuinely ready to fight, now, and... in this moment I'm exhausted. I've got bronchitis, I just started a new job, I'm moving into a new apartment with almost no help, and I might have just cut myself off from my whole family. But if other people are ready to fight today, I feel like... you know, maybe I can be ready to fight next week, or next month. I really thought this was going to break me, but it hasn't, if I could just stop coughing long enough to sleep tonight.
posted by Sequence at 7:19 PM on November 9, 2016 [44 favorites]


I think what I would love to hear some suggestions for if anyone has figured them out is how to handle my super-left white male friends that are telling me "Oh, it won't be that bad." Because I really don't know how to handle them.

I really wish I knew what to say to that; I can only think of what started happening in the UK after the Brexit vote, when assholes felt emboldened to go up to visibly brown or audibly foreign people in public and say things like "so when are you leaving then? We voted for you to leave!" I'm honestly afraid that that sort of thing is going to start happening in the USA with Trump voters telling anyone who's visibly Hispanic or obviously an immigrant that they're going to be deported soon back to where they came from; this is something that anyone who's white, male and Anglo is not going to understand, isn't going to even be able to process, probably, because it's totally alien to their experience. They've never had anyone ask them "no, where are you from, really?" (because some people can't seem to wrap their heads around someone visibly ethnic being an American), never known the experience of having to fear for their personal safety from strangers in public places, etc. Ask them if they'd be saying that if they were Latina, Muslim, anything other than white Anglo Americans.
posted by Pseudonymous Cognomen at 7:31 PM on November 9, 2016 [7 favorites]


Along with the election I've had a really shit week at work and on the subway two teenagers got into a screaming match that included a lot of homophobic drivel. Plus my foot (the same one that was injured years back) hurts like a bitch. I wanna get bombed.
posted by jonmc at 7:35 PM on November 9, 2016 [3 favorites]


I Can't remember the last time I stressed this much. I could hardly sleep last night, I knew it was bad, but tried to sleep and hope things would be better in the morning. They weren't.

I have a regular group meeting at my house Wednesdays at noon, and was feeling pretty down and a bit resentful I had to see people. But, we talked about the election a little bit, and did some crafts, and talked about other things, and I started to feel a bit better. Not fantastic, but better.
posted by annsunny at 7:54 PM on November 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


My current mood: "The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy." Albert Camus, 1942

I have a feeling the next four years will "make existentialism great again."

It's the nuclear weapons that kept me up crying last night. There will be a wide variety of sleepness-night-generators.
posted by sallybrown at 7:59 PM on November 9, 2016 [18 favorites]


I think what I would love to hear some suggestions for if anyone has figured them out is how to handle my super-left white male friends that are telling me "Oh, it won't be that bad." Because I really don't know how to handle them.

I think it depends a lot on what kind of person they are. I'd be inclined to say something like, "I get for you this doesn't seem bad, but for me it is. If you value our friendship, either try to understand me or shut up about it." Hopefully some of them will be less assholic and actually extend themselves for a friend, but others won't and at least then you know that.
posted by Deoridhe at 8:17 PM on November 9, 2016 [14 favorites]


Screaming alone in your car is definitely cathartic. I did that this morning, just to try it on for size, and because of the brief relief it provided I didn't stop for a while. This afternoon I joined a political party to try and help head off horrifying demagogues in my own country.

I'm sorry, Americans. I wish it had gone differently. Please stay safe.
posted by figurant at 8:24 PM on November 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


Oddly, I've felt better listening to people on TV who seem angry, willing to put up a fight. Most media seem to be attempting to normalize it.. I was so appalled when I heard the commentators on MSNBC actually express that, they felt, "campaigns are full of sh**" and candidates should not be taken at their word. I guess I just prefer to cope through anger and action than through normalization and rationalizing to make everything feel less threatening. It is scary to witness liberal media doing that. I get that politicians have to lead by example and promote peace, but this campaign happened and what came out of it bodes badly for the future, and should not be swept under a rug.

In that sense, I appreciated Bernie Sanders' statement of conditional support of the presidency.

Yesterday I was trying to process the whole thing and I went to bed in denial. Today I have been processing the ramifications one by one, remembering every single little effect that this decision will have has kept me really upset today. I cried when I read the names of the possible future cabinet members in the US. My SO stayed up quite late last night (we're Pacific ST), going through the issues and how the road they will be taken down will make the world worse by increments. I am desolate about the Supreme Court, especially. It seems like there is hope that 4 years will go by fast, but those decisions will have consequences for generations to come.
posted by ipsative at 8:25 PM on November 9, 2016 [3 favorites]


After being off line (by design) yesterday and not coming back up until 90 minutes after the polls had closed in Illinois and news was already bad, I haven't been able to stomach the election threads so I really appreciate this thread. I had already taken today off (also by design) and I have no idea how I'm going to get up to go to work tomorrow in an office where I know Trump supporters work right across the cubicle wall from me. And I live in godamn Chicago with a support network of amazing friends and a family who at least somewhat gets my grief and worry and the ability to protest locally tonight and in the future (which still feels like tilting at windmills tonight but sometimes tilting at windmills makes you get out of bed).

I just want to let you all know that I'm thinking about you and thankful for you and will do whatever I can do for any of you. Without the ability to scream to the people from Metafilter (here and through social media) during my 9 to 5 job, the best case scenario is that I'd be unemployed, the worst case will not be considered again.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:25 PM on November 9, 2016 [10 favorites]



I can easily say that last night was one of the worst of my life. I ended up drinking way more then I planned. The only light note was I reconnected with someone I hadn't talked to in almost ten years. Made me glad I kept my facebook because he was just there. Ended up commiserating chatting for several hours. He was drinking too and we just sort gelled in the same head space. Finally got to bed at 3am and I think the only reason I could sleep was that I was spinny drunk. I was numb.

Oh and I also posted lots of filled with despair comments on Metafilter. I don't usually drunk post but whatever, I made an exception.

Woke up and I was still numb and it felt totally surreal. I still hadn't cried or really felt any real anger. Just numb. Thankfully I'm not working right now because I don't know how I would have done it. Mad respect for those that went to work today. I just read Metafilter and few news articles but was super careful not to read any comments or go anywhere where I might see gloating. Don't have the emotional capacity to deal with huge gobs of it yet. I also just didn't know what I wanted to do with it. It was either go into a stage of cynical anger and just say fuck and try to live my life or do something.

I know myself enough that I knew my numbness would break at some point. And I felt the first glimmerings of real anger. It was Hillary's speech that broke through, her call out to Pantsuit Nation. I bawled and raged for a good hour straight.

My anger turned to righteous anger and my activist blood started to boil. In the past I was a pretty major activist on climate change and sustainability issues and was also involved in some heavy duty native land claim issues. For various reasons I had stopped doing much of anything. Part burn out and part having to deal with life things. I've done the front line thing and was known to be pretty damn outspoken.

All of that is back now. I'm surprised how quickly it happened. This is what was needed to kick it back into gear I guess. So right now my grief and fear is channeling into defience and hear me roar energy. I'm sure it will go down again. It always does. I will cry again. I will just pure rage. That's okay.

It still feels all sorts of surreal though. Had to take my Dad's dog to the vet in the afternoon and it just felt bizzare to be doing something 'normal'. That feeling made me tear up in the office.

I don't know what exactly I'm going to do. I've already taken the first steps and commented more on my social media. Usually I ignore anything political but not now. I know I'm just going to be speaking out more in genera and calling out things when necessary. I feel like I'm in a place in my life where I can handle that again.

Obama's words have been running through my head a lot I'm 'fired up and ready to go.' Just have to figure out where 'go' is.
posted by Jalliah at 8:32 PM on November 9, 2016 [26 favorites]



I forgot. I know I'm on a bit of a righteous anger high right now. Again I do know myself and it will stabilize but at one point tonight I thought, 'I should move to the US. I could do even more there!'
So yeah just a wee bit over enthusiastic there. Processing grief and fear is a funny thing.
posted by Jalliah at 8:43 PM on November 9, 2016


Meditation is never a bad thing. Unless you're on the railroad tracks.
posted by valentinepig at 8:45 PM on November 9, 2016 [8 favorites]


Just as with 9/11 (and, to some extent, many other "deserving" incidents since then), my overriding emotion is deep, biting, intensely bitter cynicism at the alleged "evolution" of my fellow humans. We could accomplish so much - and have! - and yet...we're still just monkeys sitting in the mud, beating on each other with sticks. Drives me fucking mental.

A Buddhist friend of mine says I should try to become a Bodhisattva, but honestly I don't think I could develop the damn patience, not in a billion lifetimes.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:03 PM on November 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


My day was something like this:
Try to sleep.
Fall asleep for 30 minutes wake up because of an anxiety dream OR because my phone rang.
Try to sleep.
Console empath dog who kept butting my leg while whining because he knew I was upset.
Give up on trying to sleep, gross sobbing while listening to Hamilton or 80s musics.
Made myself go out in public by making a trip to Target.
Gross sobbing in car at first to NO music and then to music once I remembered to plug in ipod.
Regret trip to Target and mostly avoid the public by using the self checkout.

I probably got a total of 3 hours of sleep throughout the day. I know my brain is fried (because the last part of this election cycle totally jacked with my sleep for weeks on end and my normal sleep schedule is horrible in the first place.) Right now I'm sitting here in semi-quiet, the empath dog has his head on my leg and is doing some quiet groaning, the asshole pug is being his normal hilarious asshole pug self, and I'm just trying to figure out the best path forward.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 9:05 PM on November 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


Also... for people in red places who need to go blue - either temporarily or permanently - I have a spare room and vague plans to rent it out, as well as a surprisingly comfortable air mattress. It could be for free for someone in a serious bind or who is out of options. I'm weird but try to be nice and I have a cat who will snuggle once he knows you. He's very soft. It's a pretty big room and I'll be putting more effort into clearing out all the boxes so if it's needed I can open it up. I live within walking distance of the beach, and I've been told I give wonderful hugs.

MeMail me for more details.
posted by Deoridhe at 9:07 PM on November 9, 2016 [26 favorites]


When I realized last night that my state, Wisconsin, would go for Trump, and that he would win the election, I sort of lost it and just started crying and freaking out. I really worried my parents, and my dad had to calm me down. I wish I had done more over the years, not just during this election, but over the past 6 years as my state has become more and more Republican. The voter ID laws had an effect here that could have taken the state, and one of our congressmen, Glenn Grothman, even admitted on TV that it would help do so.

I really shouldn't have been so surprised, I just read a book about our state politics, The Politics of Resentment: Rural Consciousness in Wisconsin and the Rise of Scott Walker , which is completely relevant to what happened this election, the resentment that exists in white rural communities, and how that effects their politics and views. I just didn't realize how many people felt that way, and how many people just wouldn't go and vote.

I just feel so overwhelmed. I felt like giving up completely on America last night, that we should just break up into a bunch of smaller countries, but the reality is this country has always failed its ideals, and its rhetoric, but that doesn't mean we should stop fighting to live up to those ideals of representation and equality. One of my favorite parts of this insane election was Reverend William Barber's speech during the DNC. He has been fighting for years against the regressive laws passed in North Carolina, and I find him completely inspiring. I did not know about him before the DNC, so even tho Hillary will not be president, I will carry with me the people that her campaign introduced to me, as well as my respect for her.
posted by airish at 9:09 PM on November 9, 2016 [23 favorites]


Last night I got reminded of what it feels like when you're too sad for alcohol to provide any kind of buzz. I hardly ever drink when I'm sad, but the election results were literally sobering in a way I didn't expect given the amount of straight whiskey I consumed as the map got more grim.

Woke up repeatedly in the pre-dawn without even a half second's respite from remembering the news. Instead, every wake up was to a voice screaming the word no in my head. Driving to work, the highway safety sign flashed one of those warnings against distracted driving: ONE TEXT COULD END IT ALL. First thought: don't tempt me.

I'm an older PhD student, so my workplace is a safe place to grieve but my peers don't have much memory of the Bush years, and many of them, even the gay and POC folks, figure this loss is, if not equivalent, at least reasonably equivalently survivable. I'm closer in age to my boss, and we both agreed that on a purely personal (non New Yorker) level, this felt more like our emotional experience of September 2001 than any political defeat we'd ever lived through. I've cried a bit, but mostly just feel numb and hollowed out inside, waiting to see the exactly unfolding of the awfulness to come.
posted by deludingmyself at 9:10 PM on November 9, 2016 [8 favorites]


Left work early. Hugged the cats a lot. Drank too much wine. Called, texted and hugged friends and family. Ranted on FB. Tried to unpuffify my eyes from all the crying. Watched movies with cartoon animals because I'm so fucking done with people. Maybe tomorrow I can think about what to do to help fix this horrible mess.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 9:18 PM on November 9, 2016


Did anybody else skip work today?

I write a weekly column for two blogs; that's paid work. I wrote to both of my editors late last night explaining I wouldn't be able to write anything this week. They totally understood.

I'm semi-coping by totally shutting myself off from the news, and I'll have to do that for four years. It's weird and hard to do; I slip a bit because my Twitter addiction is hard to give up. But just seeing his name or photo throws me into deeper anger/depression.

I keep reminding myself I have two cats that need me. That's all that keeps me going right now.

Thanks for this thread.
posted by jeri at 9:21 PM on November 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


I've set up a recurring donation to ACLU, so that I know I'm doing a small thing, I will be doing a small thing every month, and as the donation comes up I will be reminded to do a bigger thing if I can. Emotions are high right now, and there's some energy and activity coming out of the despair, but memories are short. For me, a reminder to do more will help.

Also alcohol and ice cream are helpful.
posted by pearshaped at 9:26 PM on November 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


I came down with a cold and today and feel all gross and floaty, topped with election wooziness. Today I went to work for precisely 4 hours, for a training session. I work on the research side of HIV prevention and things were grim, to say the least. No one was sobbing but everyone was bleary and some of us were downright teary. The training was a nice distraction, actually. Then I went home and put on my pj's and sat on the couch with my cats, and sent cat pictures to sad coworkers. Finally I pulled out my credit card and set up recurring donations with an assortment of organizations doing good work. I should probably go to bed...I have a full slate of meetings tomorrow, plus interviewing a job applicant. I plan to get through on gallons of tea and then crash hard on Friday. When my head is clearer and I can deal, I will volunteer for something, anything. Finally. It's been awhile.
posted by esoterrica at 9:31 PM on November 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm glad this thread is here.

I talked a little bit in the main thread about being scared because I was transgender, but this is even more personal for me; when the White House was lit up rainbow, that was the beginning of my journey towards transitioning. When Loretta Lynch wrote the Dear Colleague letter and gave her statement, when she looked me in the eye and said "We see you, and we stand with you," it shook me to the core; I felt possibilities bloom before me.

I'd been in denial. I was kind of transphobic, in my own way. I felt like transitioning was just not a real option for me, and I was very, very afraid of the bigotry and the life I would lead. I thought, it's not literally killing me to be a woman.

But with the federal government on my side, I realized, I could tackle anything.

More than that, when the federal government said they recognize the humanity of transgender people, I suddenly saw myself as more human too.

I can't go backwards, in that respect. That bell can't be un-rung. But god, I don't know what's going to happen.
posted by Rainbo Vagrant at 9:34 PM on November 9, 2016 [44 favorites]


Grief is exactly how I feel about this, and a different kind of grief than I experienced last week, when my young, beautiful friend succumbed to pancreatic cancer after 18 months. This is the grief that comes of a shocking loss, when you've had no time to prepare. Last night, I grieved and cried for the widespread hatred and indifference I never truly believed was still possible, and catastrophized because the only way I know how to rebound is to face my fears of the worst possible things.

Today, I cried for my friends (known and unknown, of all stripes) who will continually be "othered" and endangered. And I cried for myself, because Obamacare has meant the absolute difference between health (with a chronic illness), solvency, and the continuation of my business -- and utter loss.

I consider myself, and am generally considered by others, to be resilient, but I didn't see a path. Finally, strength came from where it always does for me. In part, here is something I shared with my friends, at the end of a long post detailing of why I was grieving:

I have no words of succor. But my mother does.

In the latest email thread, [my mom] wrote, "Love you. Gonna have some lunch, go to Dash and then I'll be home. Didn't let OUR asshole take me down and I won't let DumpMcFuckface do it either."

Colorful. Iconoclastic. And filled with love and resolve. My mother is 80 and those of you who know us know she has bravely withstood half a century of incivility and incalculable cruelty. And still she stands. And still she eats lunch. And still she loves. And still she goes to the grocery store and plans to return home and move forward. She is my hero. If you need her today, she can be yours.


So, I'm coping with grief with: the outpouring of love and affection for my cool AF 80yo mother from my friends and colleagues, bottles and bottles of water to rehydrate after crying, and lots of phone calls with friends who are equally distraught, but who feel better knowing that friendships create safe spaces. Thank you, MetaFilter.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 9:36 PM on November 9, 2016 [24 favorites]


I actually went in EARLY today (to my second job).

If I had stayed at my office, I wouldn't have practiced law, I would have just read about the election on MetaFilter.

So I left there and went to Target a couple of hours early. I was closing anyway, and I wanted to be there instead, doing things away from a computer and a television.

It was nice.
posted by yhbc at 9:37 PM on November 9, 2016 [3 favorites]


What if we don't feel grief?

Help & encourage someone who does
posted by scalefree at 9:38 PM on November 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


Because I really don't know how to handle them.

lead in with the People's Eyebrow and finish up with the People's Elbow
posted by poffin boffin at 9:47 PM on November 9, 2016 [35 favorites]


I had to man a booth at a conference, but I was basically another piece of furniture. I talked to my Egyptian coworker about how he's feeling -- he's contemplating escorting his daughter to school in person now, where she used to ride her bike by herself. His wife has decided not to wear a headscarf for the foreseeable future. This is in the Bay Area. We both teared up, and then someone came over to ask us about our software.
posted by invitapriore at 9:52 PM on November 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


Is there some perfectly gentle, yet firm rebuke I can deploy?

i've been going with "you are a disappointment and a burden to everyone you have ever loved; you will die alone" so that doesn't really fit your stated criteria at all actually i guess
posted by poffin boffin at 9:53 PM on November 9, 2016 [59 favorites]


I also skipped work then I rode for several hours all over mixed wilderness and development on my MTB listening mostly to Fuck Buttons.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:54 PM on November 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm Canadian, so my grief and fear is nothing compared to how those of you in the US are feeling, but I'm scared for my friends and loved ones and I'm scared for the world. I'm dealing with an injury right now and I have to admit that if there was ever a day when I was happy to take a muscle relaxant, this was it. I've watched this John K. Samson video at least a dozen times today to remind myself that I'm here to fight and I'm not alone. Progressives in the US are going to have their hands full for a while, so those of us that can should do some extra heavy lifting on issues that affect us all. We've got your back!
posted by atropos at 10:00 PM on November 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


I keep thinking about my beautiful baby girl and how excited I was for her to help vote for the first woman President and how relieved I was that we were going to have a President who cared about things like childcare costs (a HUGE expense for our family) and how instead it turns out she was born into a world where people elected a racist fascist sexual predator President. Whether they somehow didn't know he was a racist fascist sexual predator, didn't care, or actively approved, I am 100% fucking terrified for what this means for her.

Also, I mean, I'm a new parent, I think it's normal to be obsessed with my child's future, but I also think about all the other families who are going to have an even harder time than we are. I'm terrified by the fact that it seems like, once Donald Trump was willing to be openly racist and misogynistic, there was no way to beat him because people actively want that. I just think "do they hate us so much?" where "us" is women and LGBTQ people and Muslims and PoC and liberals. I really thought we were better than this and the whole situation is depressing and fucking disgusting and I can't believe my daughter and her peers have to grow up in a world that so nakedly doesn't value so many of them.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 10:32 PM on November 9, 2016 [45 favorites]


I think what I would love to hear some suggestions for if anyone has figured them out is how to handle my super-left white male friends that are telling me "Oh, it won't be that bad." Because I really don't know how to handle them.

The suggestion above is probably better but I am inclined to get really, really specific about the tangible consequences I expect. Over the next few months you'll able to get more and more specific. These guys are hearing a lot of panicked hyperbole right now - some of which is not hyperbole at all, but some is, especially when there's a wide range of possibilities for how awful our new president elect can be. I do think that if you get serious, specific, and concrete it'll cut through their preconceived notions.
posted by Rainbo Vagrant at 10:34 PM on November 9, 2016 [7 favorites]


I haven't really gotten out of bed and I'm still wearing the clothes I was canvassing in on Tuesday.
posted by dogheart at 10:38 PM on November 9, 2016 [8 favorites]


Donald Trump has also helped me feel more confident in my ability to conceptualize Roko's Basilisk; I knew what the idea was but felt like I didn't really understand it and now I have a horrifying, living example of a malevolent force that wants to punish anyone who didn't help create it who wouldn't exist if we'd all agreed not to bring it into being. Basically, I feel like a spiteful artificial intelligence is now our President and I have no idea what he'll do. Maybe the nuclear winter will cancel out the effects of global warming. I am so scared and sad and I don't know how to talk to people about this.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 10:40 PM on November 9, 2016 [16 favorites]


I guess I will just keep making my funny HUAC jokes and crying at my desk.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 10:41 PM on November 9, 2016 [3 favorites]


[It didn't occur to me that anyone might mistake this, but because someone has, a clarification: in my note about the letter from my mother, above, "OUR asshole" refers to my father, not POTUS44, whom we love.]
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 11:23 PM on November 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


Ladies and gentlemen, poison doesn’t always come in bottles. And it isn’t always marked with the skull and crossbones of danger. Poison can take the form of words and phrases and acts: the venom of racial and religious hatred. Here in the United States, perhaps more than ever before, we must learn to recognize the poison of prejudice and to discover the antidote to its dangerous effects. Evidences of racial and religious hatred in our country place a potent weapon in the hands of our enemies, providing them with the ammunition of criticism. Moreover, group hatred menaces the entire fabric of democratic life. As for the antidote: you can fight prejudice, first by recognizing it for what it is, and second by actively accepting or rejecting people on their individual worth, and by speaking up against prejudice and for understanding. Remember, freedom and prejudice can’t exist side by side. If you choose freedom, fight prejudice. —Vincent Price (yt)
posted by christopherious at 12:00 AM on November 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


I didn't make it to work. And I was stupidly short-tempered all day and I begged off going to drinks with family because it meant talking about Trump in German. With children of the war. People who grew up with Hitler looming over their childhoods.

9/11 was the absolute worst year of my life - the insanity, the uncertainty and the blazing wrong-headed certainty of those looking to mislead. I woke up yesterday morning and the radio was blabbering on incomprehensibly about incomprehensibilities. After a moment trying to orient my brain to the other language I still couldn't make sense of what it was saying and after I cross checked it with the internet I thought I might stay in bed.

Drinking coffee with a friend he reminded me that Putin now will likely start seizing up the Baltic states. And the Ukraine. And, hell, throw a little support to the emerging despots of Eastern Europe. Good times all around! (For once I had worse news than he did - his bad news is chronic, malignant and irreversible centered around glioblasts)

But you gotta protect your children - you gotta let them know you'll take care of them and they have to try and see things in a measured, dispassionate light, especially in a crisis. So I told them we don't know, yet, that Trump will be a disaster and we will still go back and visit their grandparents. And Trump will only be four years, tops.

The truth, though, is that I heard Trump is looking into a climate change denier for EPA, and that Giuliani and Christie and Gingrich will have anything to do with any choice of any import in the future and there's fucking Mitch McFuckface.

I'm furious at the Democrats for not... I don't know what. On FB a friend writes that her adopted 8 year-old asked if she would have to go back to China. Are there words for that? I couldn't find any.

18-25 year old voters - for the love of all things American please stage a revolution and drag us into the present. I'll come back and join you on the barricades. I'll bring us all lunch.
posted by From Bklyn at 12:06 AM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


2016 can DIAF! *still crying*
posted by _paegan_ at 12:09 AM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Last night for me was mostly a numb feeling. After messaging with friends and reading MeFi well into the night, I eventually got about 4, maybe 5 hours of sleep.

I had work today. Before I started, I spent a few quick minutes checking the latest activity in the election thread, and caught Burhanistan's comment that said HRC was sticking around to comfort supporters after her concession speech. I had been keeping it together until then, but that's when I choked up and had to close the thread.

Part of work involved a conference call where it felt everyone (including me) was somber and simply wanted to get through the meeting. Thankfully, I didn't have to talk to anyone (as far as I know) who was happy about the election results. I had another meeting scheduled that would have required a lot of thought and creative brainpower and I was fortunate to be able to reschedule it for later in the week, and work on other things instead. The day involved a lot of deep breathing.

I haven't caught up on the last couple of MeFi threads or her actual speech (I'm not really ready yet), but throughout the day, I thought of HRC having the strength to stay and comfort her supporters. If that's not a prime example of empathy and understanding the importance of emotional labor, I don't know what is.

Music is a big part of my life coping system in general, but today I couldn't find anything that would work for me, which is pretty unusual. I might dust off the guitar and try to come up with something for the latest MeFi Music Challenge.

I agree it's helpful to get outside, if it's safe for you to do. I'm in a fairly diverse area. This evening I went to a place where I grab some food every so often. Many of the folks who work there are PoC; today, one of the employees recognized me and said hi, even though it'd been months since I'd seen her. And although we just exchanged some greetings, it was a nice moment on this really tough day.

Thank you for this thread and for sharing your stories here and elsewhere. I've never met any of you but so many of you have changed my life for the better in so many ways. I'm glad to be here... the place where I myself learned about emotional labor, and to know that it is valued here; the place that helped make me confident enough to make phone calls to strangers. I don't really have anyone I'd feel comfortable enough to talk to about all this in person, so it really helps to know I'm not alone. We're not alone. And that's how I know we'll figure out how to get through this.
posted by rangefinder 1.4 at 12:09 AM on November 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


my friends had their baby today. from her:
It has been a long day and it will be a long night. Birth is like that. I am thankful for the love of friends and family to help me through a process that is still going with a little healthy kicking being at the center of it all.

I am trying to find words for what is happening beyond my hospital room and I am falling short. Focusing on words like love, hope, and a word that visited last weekend -- epiphany -- are helping. Epiphany spans literature and religion -- I mean it to apply widely here -- it happened recently to someone I know who realized that being happy does not mean you are weak.

Anyway, my favorite quotation: we are all in the same boat.

We may think and act divided but we are not. We are connected; we need each other. I guess our first forgetting of this fundamental principle happens at our birth when we enter this gorgeous world and must be physically cut from our mother.

This is my offering, it is a love letter, and it is my wish to the world, for a world wide epiphany along these lines.
posted by j_curiouser at 12:15 AM on November 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


I feel like I did when Bowie died, but with fear added. So seldom in my life did I want to be so wrong. I'm on multiple of Trumps lists. I keep telling myself it can't be/won't be as bad as he promised he'd make it. I keep telling myself I'm just being fearful and paranoid from shock. I burned dinner tonight, the first time since immediately after my Traumatic Brain Injury over a decade ago.

I've marched in the past and I'll march again. I'm old and tired now, didn't want to have to do this again. I'll never give up. But, damn, I'm hurting right now.
posted by _paegan_ at 12:19 AM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Okay, so I've spent the last 24 hours wallowing in despair and before that at least 48 hours of nervous anticipation. And now at this late remove, after so much time distracted by metafilter or twitter or livestreams of horror or the ever-growing pile of nested origami post-it note boxes I keep compulsively making, I realize to my horror that something went terribly wrong when I upgraded to Vim 8.0 and my swap files are missing. And I let the power die instead of hibernating. And now I've lost days of work and I have a deadline tomorrow morning.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 12:21 AM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


How I managed to not do a single save, let alone a commit, since last week. It's like my brain is crippled.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 12:23 AM on November 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


I've been a metafilter lurker for about a year now. This election pushed me to get my wallet out and actually join. These elections postings have been one among all too few forms of solace. Thanks
posted by Puddle at 12:23 AM on November 10, 2016 [20 favorites]


I studied anthropology. I've seen humans do this to themselves time and time again. Overall, after a while, it does make the species stronger via adversity. But it sucks to be the ones living through it.
posted by _paegan_ at 12:27 AM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


If you get Planet Earth II where you live, watch it.

Either for the incredibly calming swimming sloth.

Or the Terrifying Chase of Death snakes.

Depending on your mood.
posted by threetwentytwo at 12:39 AM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Welcome, Puddle.

I joined Metafilter as part of the first wave of $5 newbies so I had somewhere to commiserate with like-minded people over the re-election of George W Bush.

12 years later, and the world frightens me immeasurably more than it did then, but I still can take some comfort in coming here.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 12:56 AM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


I'm getting a lot of "at least you get to go back to fucking Canada" on my FB right now, and while that is true, I'm here now to see friends and family and I was here when my nation decided they'd rather have a fucking fascist than an amazingly compentent woman. I can I'll not return for four years but my family is here and I'm terrified for the future.
posted by Kitteh at 1:10 AM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


I was on vacation, got back yesterday, supposed to go back to work today (Thursday). I don't know how to do that. I can't imagine.

I know that many of the people I work with voted for Trump, and many others (regardless of how they voted) are going to be just, here we are, business as usual, expecting me to be at 100%. I... I can't imagine ever getting to 100%, not today, not tomorrow, not anytime soon. Not knowing how half the country wants the people I care about to die. Not knowing (given the likely changes to the Supreme Court) that the country I live in will take a hard turn away from the pursuit of equality and civil rights and self-determination (particularly for women) that we've been seeing in the last few years and head in exactly the opposite direction. It breaks my heart to imagine how the rights we've fought so hard for will disintegrate in the next few years as radical conservatives rethink and revise everything we've worked on for the last ten years.

I honestly don't know how to move forward from here, guys. I'm lost. I have so much anger and sadness and frustration, and I don't know what to do.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 1:16 AM on November 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


Here is a picture of one of my cats, Eero, sat on top of my other cat, Flo, sat on my lap. The shelter told us that black cats are getting hard to adopt out these days, because they don't show up well in photos. This is a true thing, so you can only see one of his eyes. He is a perfect little kitten who eats way more than is good for him. Even though they are Canadian cats, Eero is named for Finnish-american first generation immigrant Eero Saarinen, and Flo for way-ahead-of-her-time designer and CEO of the Knoll company, Florence Knoll.

The point being, there are so many of us outside (and inside) the US who haven't forgotten what made it great in the first place, and we're still here for you. That, and snuggle at least one kitten if you get a chance. Hugs to you all.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 1:25 AM on November 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


The news that Trump had taken Florida and Ohio, and was far far far more on track to win than even my worst nightmare had been, arrived as I was sitting in my one-to-one English class on a dark, cloudy day, and perhaps appropriately our topic was disasters. I was wearing my Hillary shirt.

I ended it a few minutes early because we had finished all the material, and once my student was safely out of earshot, I closed the door of the classroom and I lost myself for a few minutes in full-blown weeping. The customer service staff peeked through the window that leads into the corridor and saw me sitting on the floor and looked at the interactive whiteboard screen and came back and gave me a hug and some tissues.

I met an American friend for lunch after class at a bar that thankfully had some tennis thing on and we had a few beers and talked about how he'd ever be able to take his fiance home to Georgia now, and whether or not she'd ever be able to become a citizen.

Some British friends who aren't that political joined us, and while they started out being quite jokey, they soon got that this was a lot more serious to us than Brexit had been to them.

Got the train home and just closed my eyes to try to block out the world, and avoid the stares from people looking at my face, and the shirt, and back at my face that I'd been getting all day. I felt like a fool. I got home and took a three-hour midday nap - I just felt that drained and disgusted.

Later in the evening I had planned to meet some of the Dems Abroad here at a bar on the other side of town, but in the end I ran into an acquaintance working here and we headed to that same bar, hid from the other mopey Americans, and had a nice meal. Her French friend joined us and blissfully, we talked nothing of politics for hours and hours.

The one thought that stuck with me today is that I remember sitting and eating my lamb bolognese pappardelle and drinking a good beer and talking to this French lady about ripe avocados, which she was pronouncing reep, and thinking that I was still here, alive, surviving, still present, chuckling to myself about the annoying fibrousness of one of my favourite foods. I don't think about that much, being present, presence. Or that presence matters, that being in a place is a contribution to that place, that it's not the same without you.

And then America woke up as I went to bed. Reader, I can tell you: November 10 is better than November 9. I went to work but wore headphones all day, and sent round a little "hi i have a lot on today and a lot i'm thinking about so could you kindly just email me instead of talking to me face to face thanks" email. I taught a bit. My students laughed at a terrible joke I told and when I joked with them that my joke wasn't funny, they said "you deserve a laugh!". I took another nap. And I listened to the string quartets in misteraitch's incredible FPP.

This weekend I'm deep cleaning my house. A friend refolded all the clothes in his closet to do something meditative.

Wishing everyone here the best. Thanks for being a great community.
posted by mdonley at 1:33 AM on November 10, 2016 [17 favorites]


I'm "lucky" in that the time difference means I'm asleep while my US friends are finishing their workdays and eating dinner, so once I wake up I'm able to talk with them, and likewise in my evenings they're just waking up getting ready for the day, and are able to chat as well.

It is worse than heartbreaking.

"so when are you leaving then? We voted for you to leave!" I'm honestly afraid that that sort of thing is going to start happening in the USA

It's already happening. I have an Aussie friend who's lived in San Francisco for 15 years, married a Latino, had two kids. One's in second grade and has been worried about the elections. Yesterday (Wednesday) morning, her daughter was told "you're going to be deported!" by other kids. When she said "that's not nice!" they laughed at her. No teacher stepped in. San Francisco.

Another friend, originally from Nebraska, white from a Catholic family, lives in Arizona and married a guy who came to America as a child with his Cantonese family. They've been in love since childhood. They have an adorable toddler now. She thought her family were either voting third-party or Clinton. They all told her yesterday that they had voted Trump.

We're all talking, trying to make sense of our grief and feelings of betrayal. Alongside the deeper betrayals are also friends who had claimed they had new appreciation for Clinton and were voting for her. Only to see them, yesterday, crowing about how they'd fooled us "violent liberals" good. I was seeing a lot of "violent liberals who doctored Trump's words" and outright denials that Trump ever said what he did; that violence and hatred were all on the part of the left. They're no longer friends. Even weirder and more incomprehensible is that I saw no one campaigning for Hillary in a way that could even remotely be characterized as evangelizing – everyone on my feed was reasonable, there were no blowups. There weren't even any memes. The "violent liberals" stuff is just not connected to reality... where does that come from?? Yeah, psychological projection, okay, but still... what?? these are not people who did this kind of thing before. I had known many of them for 30+ years. It really does feel like dating someone, getting to know them, moving in with them, and then all of a sudden finding out they'd been living a double life that knowingly put you in danger. There's no way to bridge the gulf. They had been doing this for years. They knew what they were doing, and they knew how it would affect you. They knew it would hurt. I don't know how people who do that can live with themselves. We all have painful experiences; why do they choose to dump it on others? It helps no one.

Then there are friends who, like me, have lived through sexual assault. A dear college friend works with women and was telling us yesterday that she saw a lot of women instinctively holding their stomachs protectively; that it was triggering so many of us.

Secret/private Hillary groups are already planning to mobilize in constructive ways so we can take actions to defend our ideals. What heartens me is that they're listening to the rage. There is so much justified rage against straight white people.

Tomorrow is a holiday here, for the 1918 WWI Armistice. I've been able to hold back my tears with numbness, rage, and shock for now; I imagine they'll come tomorrow. I have to work, I'm a manager. Everyone here is shocked, by the way. People who've talked to me have all commiserated.
posted by fraula at 1:46 AM on November 10, 2016 [18 favorites]


I fumbled through a day of work, and managed to get through two classes. I'm empty inside, and like another upthread, I've been in a pretty severe depression for most of the fall, and I can't see how I'll cope other than the fact that I'm better at coping than I should have ever needed to become. I have routines, I follow them I do things I used to derive enjoyment from not because I'm still enjoying them, but because they keep me from staring into space.

I'm giving serious thought to leaving teaching because I can't figure out how to have no hope and still teach without it being a betrayal of my students. I had faith in humanity,mi had hope things would turn out right, I was even the person trying to calm down others who were starting to panic, telling them it would all be okay. Hell, I wrote in thread that killed the server about how I was worried that Clinton not having a mandate would make her first term a nightmare.

I was wrong. I was so wrong about America that I doubt my ability to be right. I feel as if, to paraphrase Sherlock, the very heart of me has been burned out, and it's just empty and pain inside. I'm not drinking, because alcohol and depression aren't a good mix.

And, because I know I've alarmed some people here, and elsewhere, no, I'm not going to do anything rash, or self harming. I don't see the point. I have responsibilities, and I'm going to do them. I'm going to keep waking up and going through the motions until I'm able to act like its something resembling living again, but I'm done with hope.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:19 AM on November 10, 2016 [12 favorites]


I went to work and spent the morning apologizing on behalf of my country to coworkers in the UK (who were all, "no worries! Brexit! we know how it goes! take care of yourself").

Then a walk in the rain at lunchtime, without an umbrella. Because I had run out of fucks to give.

I stopped at the store after work and currently have a trunk full of food to unload at work this morning for the Thanksgiving food pantry drive.

Thank God for benzos is all I can say.
posted by wheek wheek wheek at 3:36 AM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


I've been in a pretty severe depression for most of the fall, and I can't see how I'll cope other than the fact that I'm better at coping than I should have ever needed to become.

Yeah, in retrospect it turned out to really come in handy that I was already on antidepressants!
posted by en forme de poire at 3:37 AM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]




At church on Sunday we're going to have our first conversation about what we're going to do as a congregation if and when the government comes for our neighbors. If you're not part of a community that eats and talks and works together at least a couple of times a month, please find one. We're going to need each other more than ever, and we need to start making plans for what we're going to do together when the worst comes. When it gets here, it'll be too late to start getting ready.
posted by EarBucket at 4:17 AM on November 10, 2016 [10 favorites]


I've donated most of my remaining salary for the month to places like the Muslim Family Services of Ohio and the local chapter of NAACP.

I went to a campus community meeting last night organized by the multicultural center, and I'll go to the one this evening jointly organized by the Black Students Association, African Youth League, and Association of Latinx Students.

I got into an accidental fight last night with my boyfriend, who usually catastrophizes everything but was trying to convince me that the congressional Republicans wouldn't fall in line. I told him he had far too much faith in, for instance, Paul Ryan, especially when people like Elizabeth Warren are already saying they'll work together. He got really mad and hasn't spoken to me since last night, left for work about an hour earlier than usual, and didn't say goodbye. So. That's where I'm at.

I was also supposed to leave the US last night for several months but had to postpone my trip. I'm really regretting this. I would love to be in the middle of the forest with my monkeys and no news but what the well modulated voices of BBC World Service care to pass along.
posted by ChuraChura at 4:20 AM on November 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


I'm pretty sure this is the saddest I've ever been. I'm just so fucking sad. All I can think about is how sad I am all the time, and there's no room for anything else. I'm sad for me, I'm sad for other people in the specific, I'm sad for other people in general, and I'm sad for my country and our world. Just sad sad sad.

I know, in time, I'll be angry, which is my comfort zone in times of stress. I do love me some righteous anger, and this presents opportunities to use it for good. And I'll be worried, too, I expect. But right now all I can be is sad. It sucks.
posted by phunniemee at 4:38 AM on November 10, 2016 [31 favorites]


My neighbor called me up last night and the first thing out of his mouth was "We won!" over and over increasingly loudly. I hung up.

Later on his wife called (she's a Hillary supporter) and I was starting a conversation (with her apologizing for him), when he got on the other line and started yelling again. I hung up.

I feel awful because she's a nice person and he used to be.

I cannot face this abuse.
posted by mightshould at 4:43 AM on November 10, 2016 [22 favorites]


Yesterday I was looking at facebook, and was beside myself with rage and sadness after seeing a number of tone-deaf posts from some friends that made me feel even more worthless and not-human than I had before. I told my ex why. He said his girlfriend was inconsolable as well, and resolved to try to articulate this feeling in a way that would let people know what was going on without anybody having to out themselves.

He did a good job. A lot of people have found it really helpful. I did.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:04 AM on November 10, 2016 [65 favorites]


say things like "so when are you leaving then? We voted for you to leave!"

The one I'm having the hardest time with is not actually terrible people saying in sincerity that I have to go back, though I have heard it - it's actual friends who are making a joke about it because they think it's somehow funny. These are guys who generally engage in edgy humor, and they're all, "You have to go back! When are you going back to Mexico?" (I am Nicaraguan and have been here all my life) And I get that they want me to laugh because for them it's just some silly thing that will never happen, but every time my first mental response is, "Why the fuck do you think this is funny, you asshole? You're supposed to care about me!"
posted by corb at 5:12 AM on November 10, 2016 [68 favorites]


Every thought I have about what this is going to do to the U.S. and the world feels like it's crushing the air out of my lungs. I stayed home from work and was solidly drunk for over 24 hours. Right now I'm just sitting and watching the shower run because I can't make myself go back out into the world yet. My brain feels wrapped in cotton and I feel like a ghost.

But the worst part of grieving so far, for me, has been the relentlessness of all the people on 'my side' crowing about how Bernie so totally would have won (polls said so!!!). Like what the fuck do they want from us right now? A bent knee and a plea for forgiveness for having dared to genuinely believe Clinton was the superior candidate ignore their impeccable prognostication skills? The circular sneering squad is too much for me. Probably always, but especially at this specific point in time.
posted by amnesia and magnets at 5:18 AM on November 10, 2016 [12 favorites]


NOTHING WAS ENOUGH

BEING THE BEST AND SMARTEST AND HARDEST WORKING WASN'T ENOUGH

BEING THE MOST QUALIFIED CANDIDATE IN HISTORY WASN'T ENOUGH

IF YOU'RE A WOMAN, NONE OF IT MATTERS

A FUCKING INCOMPETENT, BIGOTED IDIOT CAN WANDER INTO THE RACE, AND IF HE'S A WHITE MAN, THEY'LL FUCKING GIVE IT TO HIM

THE NUCLEAR CODES, THE TREASURY, THE HOUSE AND THE SENATE

ALL JUST GIVEN TO HIM

A MAN WHO HAS NEVER EARNED ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE

I CAN'T TAKE IT
posted by Rumpled at 5:25 AM on November 10, 2016 [137 favorites]


I mean ...

There are so many massive macro-elements to this, so many consequences I can't even begin to fathom, that it's almost silly to focus on one woman's emotions, but I can't stop thinking about what Hillary must be feeling. It's devastating. I can't take this, you guys. It hurts too much. Trump blocked the way of the first woman president, and on his very first day in office, he'll undo most of the achievements of the first black president. He is regression personified; he is the opposite of everything good in this world. And they chose him over her.

It makes me want to scream.

It's a terrible cliche, but this really does *feel like a bad dream*. It has the warped logic of nightmares.

In nightmares, nothing makes sense and everything tries to kill you.

They chose the abuser. They chose white supremacy. They chose the asshole boss. They chose the rapist. They chose patriarchy. They chose hatred and fear and contempt. They chose stomping on the person below you, rather than lifting each other up. His voters had agency, and they chose this nightmare.

I feel like I'm holding the world in my arms as it's bleeding to death. I don't give a fuck how stupid and melodramatic that sounds; that's what it feels like. I feel like a mountain being hollowed out by steel machines, silently screaming in a language only other mountains can hear. I feel I’m imploding, with everything getting sucked into my hollow center and crumpled like a coke can, with me soon to follow. America just elected a fascist. That’s literally what just happened.

I think this has fundamentally scarred me. I don't know that I'll ever be as optimistic a person as I was yesterday morning. Something is gone that's never coming back.
posted by Rumpled at 5:28 AM on November 10, 2016 [93 favorites]


I'm worried for all the ways that this fresh wound can be re-opened by watching media and conversations from the days leading up to the election. I remember my glee at watching Lin-Manuel Miranda's "Never Gonna Be President Now" interlude on SNL, and now it's a jab in the side - close, but not nearly close enough.

At least it's not a contested election, so we can move on with the fights ahead instead of holding out with a sliver of hope that something might still shift.
posted by filthy light thief at 5:43 AM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Pearl Jam's Ten also hits the sweet spot in terms of music. And say that as not as their biggest fan.
posted by angrycat at 5:50 AM on November 10, 2016


Mercifully, I'm not on Facebook -- and I'm seriously considering closing my Twitter account -- but the thing I've observed in the people I work with is a surprisingly blase attitude. Like, "Yeah, he's a nutjob, but whatever, it's just another election."

I want to smack them, even the ones I like, and grab their lapels and say "WRONG. HE IS OUR FIRST TRUE DEMAGOGUE. THE BLOODSHED HAS ALREADY BEGUN. HE HAS A BLANK CHECK FROM CONGRESS AND THE SOON-TO-BE DEEP-RED SUPREME COURT. TOGETHER THEY WILL DISMANTLE WHATEVER REMAINS OF THE FUNCTIONALITY OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY. THERE IS NO LONGER A GLOBAL BEACON OF HOPE FOR PROGRESS. THE NUCLEAR THREAT NEVER WENT AWAY. CIVILIZATION ITSELF IS THREATENED, IF NOT ALL OF HUMANITY. YOU WANT TO STOP INVITING ME TO OFFICE PARTIES? FINE. BUT FUCKING PAY ATTENTION."

I mean, so many of the great lefty doomsayers (Chomsky, Kunstler, etc.) predicted basically this exact turn of events, but many years ago. And I saw the logic in what they said, but allowed myself to be lulled into a sense of…not complacency, but reassurance. Faith in fragile social systems.

That is shattered now. Even the inevitable Trump backlash does not reassure me, for no matter how enlightened or well-organized or effective it is, the ensuing bloodshed and destruction may very well rival the first half of the twentieth century.

I am too old and too constrained by my life circumstances to get angry and active. The only thing keeping me out of the very bottom of despair is the youth of America, who may be the only thing that allows America to persist in any recognizable way, eventually. But that sliver of hope lies a decade or more away, and is thus too vague to cling to. So I'm pretty much dissociating: choosing not to pay any but the barest minimum attention to world events, voting against the usurpers every chance I get, but otherwise, I'm out.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 5:55 AM on November 10, 2016 [23 favorites]


1. I want to thank MetaFilter for being here throughout the election. It gave me a place to read and contemplate thoughts with people who share my views.

2. I am shocked and heartbroken.
posted by INFJ at 6:00 AM on November 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


My Twitter interface is entirely in French this morning. This sometimes happens in Maine where we are so close to Quebec, but there is something strangely soothing about it. I want to see lots of pretty words that mean nothing to me.

I worked yesterday but I was in a bad headspace and had Friday off, so I burned a day to chill at home. Now I'm sitting here ripping old DVDs and drinking tea. It is very quiet.

I can't believe that a man who came to my town specifically to stir up hate and fear about our refugee population is now in charge of the country. I was eating lunch out yesterday because I was in such a daze that I left my bag at the kids daycare. A big school group walked by with a bunch of preschool kids holding onto a rope, mostly black, the girls in hijab. One of them saw me in the deli window and waved, just another sweet innocent kid like my own.

Fuck, man.
posted by selfnoise at 6:29 AM on November 10, 2016 [9 favorites]


I'm just really tired. I'm glad you guys are here.
posted by limeonaire at 6:36 AM on November 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


Back at work today and Jesus, is it hard to care. Sure there are Trump voters here, and probably a lot more "eh, whatever" who either didn't vote or thought it didn't matter.

I just deleted a lot of really dark things I want to say but you know, why make others feel worse. Let's just say that if I didn't have a kid, I'm not sure I'd be sticking around, and that I feel a lot of guilt over bringing my poor kid into a world that was much shittier than I ever knew.

Going to the dr. next week to get back on antidepressants. I'd rather feel numb than feel this way.
posted by emjaybee at 6:52 AM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Author Greta Christina posted this yesterday:
Ordinarily, when I'm grieving, the fact that the world keeps ticking along as if nothing had happened has felt aggravating, baffling, surreal, even insulting. Like the Auden poem about wanting all the clocks to stop: my world was devastated, how could people just be walking down the street? I didn't realize until today that, as aggravating as this was, it was also comforting. My world was falling apart, but the rest of the world was there, and I could return to it when I was ready. I didn't realize how comforting that was until today, when that comfort disappeared. It is the world itself that I'm grieving.
And I think what keeps hitting me is the weirdness of going back and forth between those two states. Grieving along with everyone, and then overhearing a woman at my gym complaining that her take-out order took too long and that counter staff was rude to her at a local restaurant, as if that were the biggest problem she'd ever have to deal with. It's jarring, on top of the grief and anger and sadness and dissociation.
posted by lazuli at 6:56 AM on November 10, 2016 [25 favorites]


I stayed plugged-in until I could no longer stand it, then put on my headphones around 2:45 AM and wrote out a long response to the changed world in that kind of fevered typing that comes when something arrives in my head without warning.

I woke up after a fitful hour of sleep that I finally earned after a night of stomach-churning surrender to the misery feed, only to find my beard oddly wet, and my t-shirt, too. I climbed out of bed in the dark, staggered into the bathroom, and hit the light.

My beard was saturated with blood, and my shirt was soaked all the way around the collar. I spat out dark blood, feeling around my mouth until I found where I'd bitten a gash into my tongue in my sleep out of tension, then washed myself up, balled up the t-shirt in a sink full of cold water to soak out the blood, and immediately retreated to the comfy chair in my living room where I sit when I'm inclined to just sit and listen to music and watch the dog sleeping with the kind of magical distance from the world that only dogs can find.

I felt angry, and scared, with my heart pounding in my chest and in my ears, almost loud enough to drown out the music I picked out specifically because it always brings me home…and it was not bringing me home.

On his way into work, my boyfriend stopped in, and we sat and talked for a few minutes. He's only just figured out who he is, or at least who he can be, well into middle age, and I am what can be fairly described as stark raving mad crazy about him, but I worry, because he's from a family dominated by religious men in a deeply conservative state, and I've been gradually coaxing him out into the light like someone trying to rescue a lost dog from a storm drain. He's already dealing with a lot of fear and uncertainty, and as the guy who dreams of building a family with him, I'm dealing with it, too, and I lived through the misery of being a gay teenager in the middle of the fucking Reagan Memorial AIDS Epidemic™ and it wasn't half as scary as the thought of losing what seems an awful lot like the love of my life to the hurricane of stupidity and hatred that's storming towards my region.

He left and my heart was pounding, and then, blissfully, it just stopped, because a lifetime of being bullied and never getting what I need means I've built huge circuit breakers into the software of my being that know when it's all too much and just slam closed like metal bars crashing against terminals and leaving the whole inside world conspicuously silent. I sat in my comfy green chair, changed the playlist to just Eno, just the safe space that exists when I put on Thursday Afternoon, and sat there, empty and trembling until it was a decent hour to pick up my tablet and start writing to friends I knew would be in the same boat. We chatted, we cried, we shared resources, all of us with our freak flags suddenly lurid against the waves of grey, and if I could not physically be with my own kind that day, the internet would have to suffice.

I have been walking eight to ten miles a day lately, but I stood on my porch, looked out into the misty grey where the rain was rolling out, and said fuck it.

I was scheduled to attend a board meeting for my workplace, but instead I sent around an email saying I just couldn't do it, that I wasn't feeling well, and had gotten no sleep, and was too keyed up and angry and sad to sit through a long meeting of droning report deliveries, and thus skipped, for the first time ever, my board meeting. Many of the board members texted me to see how I was doing, and I said "Not good, but tomorrow will be better," or "I'm feeling dead inside, but tomorrow will be better," or even "Fuck this fucking election, but tomorrow will be better."

Then, I waited out the day, walked the dog in a listless walk that had me slowing down like a wind-up toy running out of spring, came home, crawled into bed fully dressed, and was asleep by eight.

I woke at 1:15 AM, dressed to go for a walk, stepped out on the porch with new music in my headphones, looked around, said fuck it, and came back in to smoke some pot, spooled up my current favorite song on repeat, and danced wildly in my underwear in darkness lit only by a string of Christmas lights in the shape of hearts, which I hung up years ago to remind myself that, in spite of everything, my faith in love is still profound, until I was sweaty and worn out, after which I ate three Nutty Buddies and curled up in the nest of my duvet to wait for morning.

And today is tomorrow, and I am still shaking, and still scared, and nervous that I will not be up to the task that awaits all of us with hearts and souls and dreams of a better world, but I lit a candle and recited the silly mantra I've been reciting for a while now:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.


Only I will remain.
posted by sonascope at 6:58 AM on November 10, 2016 [44 favorites]


Thank you for this thread, emjaybee. I couldn't hack the conjecture in the main thread.

I work in politics in DC (for an explicitly nonpartisan org), so it's been...whooooo. I spent Tuesday night at the big watch party at our local gay club, fully expecting to celebrate something awesome with people who had as much of a personal stake in things as I did. Instead...I paid way too much for an Uber to the suburbs at 1AM. Skipping work isn't really optional in my line of work - we had meetings on the calendar to debrief on the election and start planning the future, but the future didn't look at all how we expected. We got a stern talk from the CEO and our communications people about how we need to watch what we say, professionally and personally. I wound up managing to put all of my personal feelings in a box for the workday so we could sit in the dark and silence and write. The Metro was eerie all day; people were even quieter and more subdued than normal. I haven't that sick and horrible since...maybe 9/11?

I did get a chance to watch the concession at home with some whiskey, and that was helpful. This has been horrible for me for three reasons - the professional disaster it will be for the cause I work for, the disaster it will be for the world, and the incredibly devastating personal loss of not electing our first female president. Sitting and really crying over that beautiful, graceful concession speech was very healing for me - as was then giving large amounts of money to EMILY's List and Running Start. I woke up this morning with a clear head and the sense of pure, incandescent rage that I'll need to do the kind of advocacy fighting needed in the months and years ahead. I found that listening to The Roots' rendition of "My Shot" from the Hamilton Mixtape on the subway was also a good backdrop for that.

This weekend, I'm going to try and make plans spend some time with people I like, hopefully somewhere beautiful. And I'm going to look into the local UU churches - I need to find a stable community to be a part of, and that's something I've neglected for too long between my giant commute and my stressful job and my married-person inertia. I'm not religious at all, so any other suggestions, especially specific to the Northern Virginia area, of where I can get some regularly scheduled fellowship and organizing are welcome. I downloaded Headspace. I haven't done a great job with self-care, my mental health, my physical health, my social life, a lot of things, and I think I owe it to the world to be on top of my game to fulfill my duty to everyone to fight every racist, xenophobic, bigoted, misogynistic, hateful thing about to come our way.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 7:00 AM on November 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


Hi everyone. I haven't spent a lot of time on MetaFilter the last couple of years, although I'd pop in once in a while and wonder why I hadn't. I don't have a great answer, but I now have a great reason to finally take a step back from Reddit's toxicity (I don't think it's all bad, there are some great communities there, but you can never escape it completely) and return to a place that despite some periodic angry shouting matches is almost completely loving. I've uninstalled Facebook and Twitter and Reddit from my phone, and hidden the bookmarks on my desktop. This is a break I've probably needed for a while and this is the best reason to re-engage with positive forces.

The past 36 hours have been bewildering and surreal and disappointing and scary, and that's coming from an upper-middle class straight white man. I stand to lose very little personally from a Trump presidency, but I've got a wife and a young daughter and non-white and non-American and non-straight friends I'm incredibly concerned about. I spent an hour yesterday trying to convince my sixty-something Navy veteran father that all was not lost, which was probably the worst and best and strangest moment in our relationship. I'm not sure I believed myself or if it worked.

But I do know that I'm not leaving this country because I love it, and I'm not giving up on it yet. I'm not angry at people who voted Trump. I thought Michael Moore's words on these voters on NBC on Tuesday night were enlightening -- they didn't all like Trump or his racism or sexism, huge numbers of them felt they needed to see non-iterative change in this country and that he's more likely to blow up the system than Hillary was. I think they're right, I just hope that the system can be put back together in a way that's better. We'll see.

(And I concede that whole last paragraph somewhat reflects my Privilege.)
posted by Plutor at 7:08 AM on November 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


It's a small thing, and a small action, but, after reading this article about the symbolism of the safety pin after the Brexit vote, I'd love to see folks in the US adopt it as meaning that the person wearing it is an ally for PoC, Immigrants, LGBTQ, and others who might fall under the boot of Trump policies or abuse by Trump supporters.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 7:22 AM on November 10, 2016 [18 favorites]


I want to point out two comments from Sublimity that are helping me immensely right now:

The original comment:
Here's a mantra that's worked really well for me when I can't cope: Improve, Appreciate, Connect, Protect.

Doing anything that fits into one of those categories is replenishing--shores up yourself as a person who has value, is capable. Those actions don't have to relate in any way to your stressors. Improve anything: put on socks if you're chilly, take out the trash, straighten the books in your bookshelf. Appreciate anything: the light through the window, your best friend's sense of humor, your lovely collarbones. Connect with anyone: send a text to a friend, call your aunt, make a Facebook comment, have dinner with a buddy. Protect anyone: your pet from fleas, your coworkers from a grumpy outburst, your garden from weeds.
Election thread follow up comment:
Regarding self-care: I've written several times on AskMe about the best coping technique I know: Improve, Appreciate, Connect, Protect. I'm practicing it this morning and it helps, it really does.

An action in the "protect" category is... sharing the best coping technique I know. If you have friends who are completely at a loss, I invite you to share this with them, too.
So - for anyone who hasn't seen these - I encourage you to think on this concept when needed. I found it very helpful when getting back to sleep last night, and am so thankful to Sublimity for sharing it.
posted by hilaryjade at 7:26 AM on November 10, 2016 [20 favorites]


I'm numb enough to have words right now. I didn't have that yesterday. I should have taken the day off, but I couldn't, especially since I'd taken off on Tuesday to work the election. So I sat at my computer, snot and tears all over my face, still in the clothes I'd worn to my precinct and just grateful that I can work from home. I may actually be coming down with something. I'm not sure how to tell the difference between a cold and nausea and pain and sniffles from too much crying right now.

And what I keep coming back to is how lucky I am. I'm white and straight-passing and employed and in a deep blue state and if things do go bad I have a family who'll step in to take care of me. I'll probably be ok. I have so much dread for a female friend in Texas who's married to an immigrant woman of color, and it's only a fraction of what her family is dealing with right now.

I wish I could be someone who's ready to fight today, but I'm not there yet. I'm still working on showering and feeding myself and crying less. I may not leave the house until Saturday, when I have to teach for five hours. That's going to be rough. But I think Sunday I might go to the local UU church.
posted by Akhu at 7:29 AM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Welcome back Plutor.

Two deeply flawed candidates ran. I knew that whichever one won I would be quite concerned for our country's future. I just did not know how that would feel. It does not feel good.

I have met both Hillary and Donald, each on several occasions. Trump may not be a classic politician, but he certainly knows how to play the part in person. He is very engaging and will look you in the eye and listen to you when you meet him. Hillary is also different in person than on stage. She is actually much more relaxed and even funny when you talk to her one on one in small groups. She seems so stiff and scripted on stage. (Bill actually remembered me from the first time we spoke and that is truly amazing as I am far from memorable or famous or anything other than a guy going about his daily business.)

I choose to look at the positives. One, the system worked. One may not like the outcome, but the American people as a whole went out and voted. Two, there is a better than zero chance that Trump actually shakes up the establishment. I think that is why Hillary lost. She is the poster child for establishment politicians. I think a lot of people don't care what either of them stood for, they just wanted to stir the pot of the bureaucracy. Three, Trump will probably tee it up for whomever replaces him in 4 years. The next person will be welcomed with open arms as a change from Trump. Might even lead to bipartisanship. (On reread, the positives are more luke warm than positive.)

Regardless, it is a sobering, somber time in which we live. Stay warm. Stay safe.
posted by AugustWest at 7:30 AM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Tenseness-terseness ensued...

What with my
*job interview on the 8th (the prep. was pretty intense, and I was inwardly super-tense, [but have reason to be optimistic so yay]),
'the election night (European time zone, so we went to bet like at seven in the morning, shocked),
*the to-be-dried tears of American spouse yesterday (yup. Married the in-house co-mefite in August),
*and my hardy but (I heard this on the 7th) in-pain and in-need-of-acute radiation mom nine hours by car from here,
I have now developed what looks like a pinched nerve or even slipped disk in my neck. Started during the interview (ka-zongg), hasn't gone away in spite of me using the usual trickery and routines. So now it's ice bags and heat alternating and not much sleep soon for the third night in the row.

If anyone has a trick for unclenching rock-tense neck muscles, let's have it, plz..
posted by Namlit at 7:30 AM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


I really need people on the left to stop saying that it's going to be okay. Case in point Conan Obrien in his monologue about we've been through this before as a nation and we'll get through this.
It's like a lie you tell children to calm them down and it's transparently false. We've never been in this position before, where one man and his supporters aim to do tremendous harm to the globe and have the capacity to do so
posted by angrycat at 7:31 AM on November 10, 2016 [62 favorites]


Namlit try chewing gum
posted by angrycat at 7:33 AM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Hi, everybody. I hesitated about posting this, because it's so self-centered and tangential and ME ME ME, but to hell with it. I need to vent somewhere or I'll start screaming.

I was devastated by the Trump thing, of course...but I might have been able to adjust if it were just the Trump thing. This too shall pass, no matter how horrible it is, I keep trying to tell myself...but of course it's not the only thing.

See, I'm an American living in the UK for nine-plus years now, and my current visa is running out. It's a Tier 4 student one, and my program ended months ago. I've basically been trying to find work since June, and I've had a grand total of two interviews because a.) no one wants to sponsor, and b.) my CV looks a little weird, what with interrupting an IT career to go back to school for something unrelated.

All our friends are here. Mrs. Example's job is here. Our cats are here. So Mrs. Example and I have been frantically engaging an immigration lawyer, spending money we don't really have, to file a sixty-plus page application for further leave to remain to buy us some time while I keep scrambling to find a job that'll sponsor me...and if that gets turned down before I find something, we're going to have to move back to Trumpmerica, with no existing homes to go back to (we'd have to impose on her parents), no jobs, and no health insurance.

This would, of course, despite Mrs. Example's reassurances, be all my fault.

So, a lot of fetal positioning and dehydration-level tears this week, and late on Tuesday I found myself on the edge of a train platform waiting for the next one, when the thought came into my head that it would be so easy to just take that one last...little..step. I didn't, obviously.

That's not the bad part, though. The bad part is that without realizing it, just for one tiny little instant and without my consciously doing it...my leg tensed.

I'm slightly better now, but...yeah. Any UK people want to sponsor a person with an entire magazine rack of issues who's weirdly into computational stylistics and Elizabethan drama?
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:33 AM on November 10, 2016 [12 favorites]


Honestly, the most upsetting thing so far was hearing Bob Garfield and Brooke Gladstone fight with each other on yesterday's special "what now" edition of "On the Media."

Please, Bob and Brooke, don't fight. I can't take it right now.
posted by maxsparber at 7:37 AM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Thanks for sharing your eloquence, sonascope. I read that in the cadences of MLK and it fit perfectly.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:42 AM on November 10, 2016


I am like a ghost moving through the world right now.

Yesterday I was completely raw.

I told my mother I needed space from my father and brother (who voted for him) and wouldn't be attending a birthday dinner this week. She proceeded to do her narcissistic best at berating me for 3 hours until my sister stepped in (without telling me) and yelled at her for 45 minutes. My mother's rants consisted of telling me how I'm killing her. I'm killing my father. I've never understood my brother and I'm not as smart as I think I am. My grandmother called but I didn't pick up, because my mother learned her guilt from the one who bore her. I haven't heard from anyone since about noon yesterday, but I am certainly persona non grata in my dysfunctional family right now. I don't care.

I am spending Thanksgiving (which I hate anyway) at a restaurant with my sweet husband and his elderly mother.

Last night, I spent an hour on a conference call with HIV activists from all over the country starting groups to work out where we go from here. I cancelled my Nordstrom and Macy's cards and wanted it recorded that I wouldn't spend a dollar there until they dropped Ivanka Trump. I am working on putting together a list of boycotts. I am trying to get some work done for a women and PrEP event we're putting on in a month.

I am hugging my dog. I haven't eaten in 36 hours.

I am so grateful for MeFites.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:42 AM on November 10, 2016 [35 favorites]


day two and i don't feel any better. the feelings of doom, dread, and disappointment are all still here.

this country (and probably the planet with it) is lost. i am looking at my options for leaving but i'm terrified of being stuck here.
posted by entropicamericana at 7:43 AM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


I worked from home yesterday because I couldn't bear to face coworkers (some of whom I'm sure voted for him). I spent more time on social media than I should have. It's a double-edged sword - I get support from others, but I'm also seeing all the horrifying things that are already happening (attacks) or are about to happen (systematic abolishment of civil rights and agency funding). I started having chest pains in the evening and closed the laptop to drink a beer and (re)watch LOST (plane crashes and nonsensical plots are less horrifying).

I got a goodly amount of sleep but I woke up crying this morning. Found out a trans friend had been called a f*g and punched in the face (probably unrelated to Trump, but still...). Everything is horrible and the only thing that keeps me from taking a bottle of pills is my determination to fight, my obligation to be there for my friends, and my probably-unadoptable cats.

Last week I won $500 on a lottery scratch-off ticket. Tomorrow is my birthday so I was going to blow it on something nice for myself. Instead I'm going to write a $500 check to the ACLU and/or Planned Parenthood.
posted by AFABulous at 7:50 AM on November 10, 2016 [34 favorites]


I'm very sad, very angry and very sorry for my friends south of the border, and for all of us. I am a Canadian, somewhat insulated from the worst of what many of you are facing. I still have a horrible feeling in my stomach, can't eat properly and am filled with dread. I know many of you are much closer, physically and emotionally to what is happening and I send you strength.

My family, friends and colleagues are equally horrified, so I have the luxury of many people with whom to commiserate, to strategize and to take strength from myself. My partner, children and I had been planning a winter holiday trip to DC, but, remembering how shocked I felt when George W. Bush was elected the second time I hadn't yet made any bookings. We will not be taking that trip. Washington DC is not where we want to be right now. Later, perhaps. There are many things we enjoy when travelling in the USA. But as a queer, liberal family, not right now. No way.

I have backed away from the news, backed away from social media, and I'm limiting my time here for a while as well. I can't and won't stick my head in the sand forever. But for now it feels important to take some time to play boardgames with the kids, read fiction, take walks and enjoy those I love.

I teach college students and part of what I teach has to do with media literacy so I'm also reworking lectures. I discuss rhetoric, reality tv and visual media and I want my young students to connect the dots between - among other things - the "war on drugs", Rodney King and citizen journalism, The Apprentice, Mark Burnett and this election. Post truth politics is frightening. I feel like one thing I can do is to keep pointing it out to the next generation, making them look critically at the messages they are receiving and that they will receive. I've seen a few comments about people being afraid to bring children into the world. I understand the sentiment. However, raising and educating thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate youth is a concrete action that gives me hope.
posted by Cuke at 7:59 AM on November 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm definitely on the anger part of coping now. I was at work yesterday and it took me two hours to write an email. Luckily, I don't have very much on my plate right now (new job), but I don't know how much I'll be able to get done today, either.

I've been reaching out to people - my mother, my brother, college friends, old internet friends, old coworkers, just checking in. Making sure people have someone to talk to. Telling them that I love them and will support them and that I'll try to help them in any way possible.

I've been working on a spreadsheet of organizations that will help, taken from the links that other people have been sharing and other aggregates, categorizing them and noting what their scope of coverage is. My plan is to take either donate a few hours or $10 (or the equivalent in supplies) to one of the orgs every week. It's small in scale but sustainable.

I keep on thinking of this saying (and this is probably a poor paraphrase, feel free to correct - I'm a horrible Jew) "You alone will not be able to complete repairing the world, but neither are you allowed to desist from working for it." Things are going to be fucked, yeah. But that doesn't mean that I'm absolved of the duty to fight to make it better, however I can. It's not about having hope, not really. It's about sitting aside and watching this happen, but working with others against it.

Again, I'm new at this job, so I didn't really know what I was walking into when I walked into work yesterday. A woman a few cubes down from me was crying and shaking with anger because she has a queer daughter, while another was trying to console her by telling her that nothing was really going to happen on that front. Another coworker told me, when I mentioned that it had been a long night, that "A lot of people stayed up to watch what happened, and those people felt a lot of different things. And not everyone felt bad things. And that's okay, she isn't going to judge anyone by how they feel on this day". Which has to be the most Minnesotan way of saying that they voted for Trump ever. And I know the woman a few cubes down overheard.
posted by dinty_moore at 7:59 AM on November 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


The normalization that is taking place already is destroying me. Friends are talking about fighting back, running candidates, resistance. One friend posted about the White Rose resistance group in Nazi Germany. This was supposed to be inspirational. Most of the White Rose members were executed after show trials. Before the election my sister who lives in Uganda told me that everyone who lived through the lead-up to the Rwandan genocide next door recognized the rhetoric of Radio Télévision Libre des Mille Collines in Trump's speeches. All I can think is that it's madness to talk about elections and petitions and that we should be heeding the lessons of history and getting out now. But I have no education and it is unlikely that I can find any other country to let me in, even if any country felt safe right now, which none does in the age of Le Pen and Brexit and Geert Wilders and the Golden Dawn. So it feels like there are no options at all.
posted by enn at 8:02 AM on November 10, 2016 [17 favorites]


dinty_moore: you got it right. The quote is technically "You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it."
posted by Sophie1 at 8:04 AM on November 10, 2016 [9 favorites]


One thing that is kind-of helping is the many indignant, angry but unbowed women of color on Twitter that I follow. I'd rather feel anger than despair, at any rate.
posted by emjaybee at 8:04 AM on November 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


I've been truly amazed and humbled by the number of women coming out as survivors of rape and sexual assault publicly on facebook or twitter and expressing what it means to them that Donald Trump was elected. I'm not ready to join in because I've already accidentally upset my mom by talking about sexual harassment I've experienced, but I want to say that here, I'm angry on all of our behalfs and even if I'm not willing to share my personal experience in an obviously public place, I'm using it as some of my motivation to make sure that we all stay safe over the next four years.
posted by ChuraChura at 8:16 AM on November 10, 2016 [19 favorites]


I am having eating problems as well. Thank for weed or I wouldn't have eaten a bite. Even so, eating was about as fun as colonoscopy prep
posted by angrycat at 8:20 AM on November 10, 2016


I am working on putting together a list of boycotts.

I would be very interested in seeing this list.
posted by _Mona_ at 8:21 AM on November 10, 2016 [10 favorites]


I've surprised myself by how deeply I am grieving. I sat outside while my son slept in his pram and stared through the snowfall at bare trees and a gray sky. Wave after wave of grief washed over me.

I thought back to my first winter living in the US, 2002-3. I was an exchange student at Hampshire College (where, if you don't know it, the average political stance of the students and faculty is a little bit to the left of Chairman Mao). In an effort to make sense of the wider society around me I started to read the New York Times and New Yorker at the library and both were full of war fervor. The same went for the news on television. Trying to follow local politics I found that Mitt Romney was heading for victory in the gubernatorial race, a man who seemed to me like a devil in human form (how quaint that feels now). The national politics were even worse. The people I had made friends with initially, a mix of fellow international students, geeks, poets and artists, weren't so engaged politically that they would talk at length about politics.

The day after the awful 2002 midterms I noticed a couple of my friends had joined a group of students I didn't know in the dining hall. I heard they were discussing the results and found out they were politcal activists, a mix of Dems, Greens and other flavors. Many of them became some of my closest friends and taught me most of what I know about American politics. One close friend told me that while there was much wrong with the political system, it had successfully kept extremists from gaining power. I always doubted it, but I couldn't disprove it and the idea always gave me a bedrock of hope. Well, that's gone.

I lived most of the first decade of this century in the US. Despite the horrible 2004 election, I felt all the time that the country was moving in a direction of hope and light, and the election of Barack Obama confirmed me in my belief. That's also gone.

I haven't been able to call or write to my friends in the US. I just don't know what to say. I haven't been much able to write anything in the last few days. But yesterday I did ask an American who's a fellow student of Finnish if he wanted to meet up for a movie soon. There wasn't much thought behind it but reaching out seemed right in the moment. I've also decided that tonight I will write some of my American friends to offer...well, my condolences, really. I don't know what word is more appropriate. Commiserations, maybe.

After my son was born I mostly withdrew from political activism. I think I need to get back to that. My image of America broke on Tuesday, maybe even my image of humanity. But I'm not ready to give up. I owe too much to too many.
posted by Kattullus at 8:22 AM on November 10, 2016 [20 favorites]


My coping thoughts include:

Take away his name. Refer to him as "the president-elect," and later, unfortunately, as "the president." When speaking of most of 2016, call him "the Republican candidate." He cares more about his name being in the news than the title he just won. He wants the title - but he wants it in front of his name, not to just be the 45th in a long series of other guys who've done the same job.

My kid's school sent out an email - on the list they use to announce science fairs and field trips - about the election.
How can all the young people who are afraid of the future, believe the platitudes that we tell them? How can they believe that things are getting better. People are more inclusive. Unfair practices in policing, housing, voting, employment are being unveiled, and no longer tolerated. Be yourself. You don't need to be afraid to be who you are.

The only way our youth can believe these things to be true is if we continue to work for and model equity and inclusiveness in everything we say and do. We must continue to support human rights in all spheres. We must show kindness and caring to our neighbors as well as to strangers. We must combat racism, bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, and discrimination in all forms. At least then, we can say that it is true here--in our home, in our school, in our community.
And then she apologized for talking politics on the list, but I don't care - it's a small school, and if there are any people on staff who support the president-elect, I want to know about it so I can either move my kid out of there, or minimize her contact with them.

I live in the SF Bay Area; people who aren't shocked and horrified by the election are rare. I went to downtown Oakland last night, marched for a while, chanted a bit, left when things started to get agitated. Some guys were tearing boards off a building under construction for a street fire. When it became obvious they weren't going to stop after a couple 4x8 slabs of plywood, the police started to move in, and I decided that was my cue to head home.

Tonight I'm going to the Kickstarter Superbacker gathering in SF, and I'll bring my copy of Donald of the Dead, which showed up last week. (Husband promptly grabbed the #TRUMPOCALYPSE bumper sticker for the van; I'm now very glad he did.)

I want to get through this with humor and a fierce devotion to the values that form the core of the future I want to live in.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 8:24 AM on November 10, 2016 [14 favorites]


Grief is good for my waistline. There are donuts in the break room and I can't even look at them, let alone eat one.

I'm swinging between grief and anger and eventually it'll just be anger. And I'm pretty much cried out for now.

This is how I fall asleep: I imagine that Hillary won and I'm watching her acceptance speech on TV and then I imagine the inauguration. I convince my brain that the worst didn't actually happen and then I'm able to quiet it down and go to sleep.
posted by cooker girl at 8:28 AM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Most of my friends have been sexually assaulted or raped, and I spend a lot of time reminding them (and myself): I believe you, and it wasn't your fault. I believe you, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. What they did to us, it wasn't our fault. I believe you and I'm sorry.

So this is the most soul-destroying thing for me. Abject, devastated, overwhelmed... nothing comes close to describing how I feel now that America has told us, once and for all, that no one believes us, and that it was our fault after all. I honestly don't know how to live with the weight of it. I am very well-versed in the effects of internalized misogyny and patriarchy but I cannot get my mind around any of this at all.
posted by amnesia and magnets at 8:33 AM on November 10, 2016 [15 favorites]


Currently arguing on FB with a friend who wants me to understand Trump voter pain as justification for voting for him/why they're not really racist.

Trying to explain I am more concerned with 20 million people about to lose healthcare, and many other bad things that likely/certain to happen, that I am standing with my friends who will be hurt by this event. Not sure I'm getting through. He really wants to just be able to be a moderate "both sides are flawed" guy but my friend, there is no middle ground anymore. Really hasn't been for a while.
posted by emjaybee at 8:34 AM on November 10, 2016 [19 favorites]


_Mona_ - I will post it when I have compiled a little more. I'm updating in my profile for the HIV actions and I'll add the boycott list there as well.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:36 AM on November 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


Yeah I'm having sexual assault ptsd right now.
Remembering the rape and how my rapist taunted me when he wasn't indicted
posted by angrycat at 8:38 AM on November 10, 2016 [18 favorites]


I don't know if it means anything or if I did a good job, but this FPP was me trying to help folks get through this. I'm grateful we still have some of our finest protest singers with us, even if I'm heartbroken we need them now maybe more than we have in decades.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:38 AM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


I was reading another system I used to be very active on, and am now far less active on now that I found MetaFilter. A couple of guys, both straight white men, were bloviating about how ill-advised the protests last night in NYC and elsewhere were. "He's our President now, like it or not, and this just looks petty" and "the time for protesting has passed now," -- stuff like that. I completely lost it at them both. Just more of the same from the ruling class -- sit down and shut up, you're doing it wrong, we're going to police how you process your feelings.

I don't really have much more to say than that. Just...I've had it with that shit. I don't know what good that does me or anyone else, or exactly what I'm going to do with it other than rage at people like that in phosphor, but I've had it.

The only thing that gives me any hope at all is that I live in a very non-white, very non-Christian neighborhood --I'd say that 80% of my neighbors are people of color and at least a quarter of them are Muslim -- and seeing them putting one foot in front of the other, seemingly without fear, gives me some hope. (I'm white.) I can't know what they're feeling or thinking, of course, but to my eye, they're going about their lives.
posted by holborne at 8:45 AM on November 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


I really need people on the left to stop saying that it's going to be okay.

I'm sorry for my comment above. Exactly correct, I've been trying to talk myself out of despair, wanting to find ground for hope in abstractions that are counterfactuals, at this point. Stupid and insensitive - I'm really sorry.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:49 AM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


I am finding myself in so much denial, like I am having a hard time with anything that even acknowledges this. Stupid stuff even - like, my pic on Twitter is some version of Trump-won't-be-President-fuck-him, and I can't even open up Twitter because I see my picture and I know I have to change it, know I can't make a single tweet with it still up, and yet changing it requires acknowledging that this is real, and I just can't, because this can't be reality, this has to be all some weird elongated dream state that my anxiety is creating, we can't have done this.
posted by corb at 8:50 AM on November 10, 2016 [18 favorites]


Yesterday, I'm pretty sure I had a low-grade panic attack going all day. I still can't really look at the news or the analysis of 'what went wrong'. I've been trying to do things that are good for me (eating, playing music, reading, housework) and trying to put one foot in front of the other. Today, I will be visiting my campaign colleagues; going forward, I will be keeping in touch with other local activists who value my humanity and work. I've never felt such a need for positive community.

My loving partner has been so attentive, especially when I've been crying or staring off into space. I feel and see the stages of grief being played out in front of and within me.
posted by Excommunicated Cardinal at 8:51 AM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm functional today, because I have to be. Kid needs me, I'm still fighting the mortgage company to make them give me my insurance money so I can finish restoration from the destruction this spring, my cats and dog insist on snuggles. Husband is very supportive, which is nice. Pretty much, the serpents are the only things not demanding attention.

I am still devastated. Kids at my son's school were chanting build the wall yesterday. My son got in between a maga bully and a girl in hijab. I have phone calls in to the principal, the district administrator, and will be a presence at the school board. This shit will not stand.

I spent some time yesterday looking at beachfront property in belize, but I'm well aware that it's not an actual possibility. And even if it is, I owe it to my friends of color, and quiltbag friends, and Jr high girls in hijabs, and women facing death sentences for getting pregnant to use my privilege to be an unafraid voice.

I went into hiding online after gamergate turned it's sauron eye towards me, but no more. Fuck them all and their domestic terrorism. They are bullies and halfwits, and i have no fucks in my garden to give.

I am a menopausal woman, and I will bring the wrath of a thousand hot flashes. They will drag this country into Gilead over my dead body. (It may be fair to say that I've hit the anger stage in the grief process.)
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 9:12 AM on November 10, 2016 [52 favorites]


Everything manifested as a wicked headache yesterday (following a night of no sleep and feeling as though I was going to vomit at any second), so I was barely functional as I went about my workday. Luckily, it was mostly really quiet in the office, and people kept to themselves, so no one could see that I was in tears for most of the day.

After some ibuprofen and muscle relaxers, I went to bed early and got a good night's sleep. I woke up today feeling almost normal, and ready to fight. I signed up with my local branch of the Pantsuit Nation, and I'm hoping that we can channel this rage and actually DO something.
posted by MsVader at 9:15 AM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


I really feel for you folks dealing with Trump supporting family members and co-workers. My own family is all pretty far to the left, but my wife's family.... They live some distance away and we had no plans to visit for the holidays, but I know they are going to expect to see us in the summer. I don't know if I can handle that. Tomorrow I'll have a meeting with a co-worker who made a point of telling me last week that she was voting for Trump. She had seemed like a nice, inoffensive sort of person. It's impossible to see her that way now.

On the other hand, I wouldn't have picked up the "Hamilton" soundtrack if it weren't for the Metafilter election threads. I guess that's the silver lining?
posted by maurice at 9:22 AM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


On coping strategies:

Give yourself permission to do whatever self care you want but under normal circumstances you would never do. I ate half a pie for breakfast this morning and give ZERO FUCKS. I don't even care that I'm telling you guys about it. Dinner the other day was liquor poured on ice cream. It's okay. I can't eat like this the rest of my life but I can do it for a week while I pick myself up. So can you. Watch a trashy show you would never want to admit. Wear socks with holes in them. I'm serious! It is okay to have all your fucks tied up in our impending apocalypse and nothing else non-critical.

It is the only thing keeping me even halfway sane right now. So I recommend it strongly.
posted by corb at 9:25 AM on November 10, 2016 [55 favorites]


Namlit, what helps me with the neck is -- I hope I describe this in a way that's coherent -- is to do that thing where you roll your spine down so that your head and arms wind up just hanging down all floppy, and staying like that for a while. I'm sure there's a yoga name for it, but I don't know. I carry all my tension in my jaw and neck and that helps a lot. I also find it helpful to do this shoulder stretch, but with the extended arm bent 90 degrees at the elbow instead of parallel to the floor.
posted by holborne at 9:25 AM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Watching the election returns, I started to get anxious when Virginia wasn't turning as quickly as I'd expected. That blossomed into a full-on panic attack right as the documentary film crew showed up. I probably look like a horror show in all their footage. On the plus side, the cat can now say she has been in movies.

Yesterday morning I had to text my life coach and get ok with the fact that I was not in a space mentally to grade the papers I said I would have graded by class time. I cried a little. Taught classes. Then I wiped out on a slippery construction ramp, banged up my knee, scraped all the skin off of the top of my foot, and tore my pants. I bled a lot, guys.

So, I went home, had my husband go to the store and get me first aid supplies and ice cream, and then I called my dad and cried about how I tore my favorite pair of pants. I cried overly much about those pants, so I think I was still crying over the election.

Today is better. I am making plans for my future. I am going to get healthier and stronger. I am going to travel to Asia and not be worried the whole time. I'm making a plan for the upcoming year to be a better person and no awful prick of a president is going to take that away from me. Also, I had to wear sneakers to work today, because putting my foot in a dress shoe was not happening. So I'm super comfy right now.

Looking on the bright side.
posted by chainsofreedom at 9:28 AM on November 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


I'm somewhat insulated being a Canadian but I just wanted you to know me and my friends are devastated. I spent most of yesterday starting conversations about it "how..i don't even...why". Some of my friends too sick to talk about it. Wondering as well how they will tell their children. Their girls. As much as a Canadian I'm loathe to say it but the President is still a ...the leader of the free world is still a thing and the election of a rapist is blowing a lot of us survivors up. I don't know where you go from here and I just wanted to say the rest of the world is grieving with you and struggling to explain as well. And raging. The signs of women protesters on twitter were hopeful to me. Seeing young women stand up and say "This rapist is not my president" was heartening.

I cried yesterday on and off hearing of trans suicides happening. As a person who discovered they were trans later in life the fact that youth figured it out so early and were brave to be who they are (when I'm still in hiding most of the time) and to have people use the president as an excuse to bully is horrific to me.
posted by kanata at 9:29 AM on November 10, 2016 [14 favorites]


I'm functional today, because I have to be. Kid needs me

Yeah, this is about where I am, and I think where my husband is too (also we need each other); I'm trying not to talk about my daughter too much because I recognize that can get tedious fast but she's basically all I can think about and all that's keeping me sane because Losing It is not an option for me at this juncture. If we didn't have her, I think my husband and I might start down a nihilistic self-destructive path together because we're both filled with despair, but we brought her into the world and we have a responsibility and my love for her is about the only thing keeping me together.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 9:30 AM on November 10, 2016 [10 favorites]


On a ridiculous note: I know I should be ashamed about making comments about anyone's appearance, but I felt such relief yesterday when, after agreeing with my mother that the little Trump son is a cute kid and we hope he got some sleep that night, that we both found the older Trump sons recoilingly unattractive and difficult to look at. (Also, as we talked about Melania, I was actually really surprised & relieved that she remembered & cared about the nasty comments Michelle Obama got about her looks and her body.) I was relieved her Trump devotion didn't extend to finding the Trump sons attractive. So I guess that's the common ground we're working with, and the extent of my heartwarming story about bridging the political divide.

This was after I'd been put in the uncomfortable position of defending Paul Ryan and Reince Whatever for resisting Trump and not helping him, so I was desperate for a conversation that wasn't so bleak.

Another thing about that: my mom and I are both POC, and I've spent years struggling with her conservatism. I gave up on trying to argue with her ride-or-die birtherism--despite the fact people regularly assume she's not an American citizen, too, despite the xenophobic and racist treatment she and my father have experienced, she so happily took it as fact that Obama was not a citizen. I know that what I see as vile, hurtful beliefs--that anything other than colorblindness is racism, that intentions are magical and people who mean well should be forgiven, that individual agency is the only & every thing and so institutionalized racism does not exist--while central to their own assimilationist survival in a racist world, has been weaponized into hatred. I know I'm being gaslit when I'm told what I "know" from my degree & grad work in political science is just liberal brainwashing, that my experiences are not reflective of real racism because I've bought into "victim culture" because I'm kind but naive. (BUT OH MY GOD have I heard so much about how Trump supporters have been terrorized, belittled, and oppressed, so scared to express their true beliefs, and my mom is so proud of herself that Fox News commentators are agreeing with "something that even [she], just an uneducated house wife" can see that it's why Trump won. But please, tell me more about how liberal elites are exploiting identity politics!)

It's a lot of psychological damage to take on, dealing with so much racism inside and outside my private life. How do other POC deal with this? I have some family members and friends who believe otherwise, so I have a support system, but I keep mentally circling back to my parents, unable to resist obsessing over it. I thought I'd made peace with having disappointed my parents by not becoming the unholy love child of Stacey Dash and Michelle Malkin, and that I can't shift their beliefs and get them to have empathy and understanding if they don't see their own experiences (or believe me when I talk about mine) in the context of white supremacy. I thought having and showing empathy for how they developed their own beliefs--their own unshakeable beliefs in their own individualism and their own personal agency--is crucial for their own sense of self, to explain their own success in life. But there's no movement toward the center, toward respect and empathy for me. There's no movement toward believing that other POC's individualism and personal agency causes them to believe different things, such as institutionalized, systemic racism. The only reason I believe what I do is because I'm naive and softhearted, and also that I've been spoiled and brainwashed.

They're really happy now that their worldview has been validated~, and I'm just so furious and disappointed and sad because the psychological damage comes from all sides. I actually agree that I'm kind and softhearted and naive. Seeing the alternative, seeing the abyss of hate and fear surrounding us now, I wouldn't want to be otherwise. Now I'm struggling through giving up my fantasy of their beliefs shifting, and focusing instead on protecting and fighting the good fight alongside others who need it and who want it and who know it.

Thanks for the company throughout this election and now the aftermath, Metafilter. I can only imagine how terribly lonely and more awful I'd feel without you. (And any Mefites dealing with similar stuff, feel free to memail me your venting, now or anytime in the future, for as long as the future exists, at least. I'm here for you.)
posted by mixedmetaphors at 9:34 AM on November 10, 2016 [13 favorites]


I careen between anger and fear. I'm scared for people I love. Took yesterday off and spent most of the day on long-distance phone calls with people I love. Recommended. Also we're trying to focus on what we're grateful for. One of the things I'm grateful for is Metafilter, which I've been reading since before 9/11 and have always appreciated for bringing me information and views I might not be aware of otherwise. Now I'm appreciating it in a new way for the community. Thank you.
posted by Lyme Drop at 9:36 AM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


I offered breakables for breaking on my local "buy nothing" group.
posted by aniola at 9:40 AM on November 10, 2016 [13 favorites]


I've spent most of this year grieving. My oldest brother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March and he died a few weeks ago and while the grieving process feels much the same, there are two things that actually make this harder for me, the first is the shock, being able to prepare helps, but this, both thinking about the past when I was certain of a different outcome or thinking to the future and the new reality we live, is just destroying me.

The other thing is that when someone close to you dies, generally people try to be kinder and gentler to you, at least for a little while, but not with this, half the country wanted this outcome, even some of my friends and family and I can't take it, I don't want to see them or hear from them and it's making me feel very isolated. Which is another reason I am so grateful to this community.
posted by doublenelson at 9:43 AM on November 10, 2016 [26 favorites]


I went into hiding online after gamergate turned it's sauron eye towards me, but no more. Fuck them all and their domestic terrorism. They are bullies and halfwits, and i have no fucks in my garden to give.

I am a menopausal woman, and I will bring the wrath of a thousand hot flashes. They will drag this country into Gilead over my dead body. (It may be fair to say that I've hit the anger stage in the grief process.)


Can I join you in the No Fucks Given garden? Obviously that's where we do the farming on Crone Island. Our garden isn't bare, but we don't give our fucks for free... you have to earn them. These wannabe despots and whining bullies have not earned my fucks.

We can be the Sisterhood of Crones Against Brutality, the SCAB that stands between the wound and the rest of the world. We don't need to be pretty or delicate, and yeah, there's gonna be some scars, but we can do our best to keep things from getting worse.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 9:48 AM on November 10, 2016 [25 favorites]


I haven't felt like coming out of my room. I was already battered and broken by life. I'm embarrassed that the election of Scut Farkus is a life-threatening wound for me, but there we are.

I at least managed to get dinner on the table last night. I was wise when I laid in an extra groceries last week. I can't face going to the store. Perhaps tomorrow.

I am lost and hopeless and feel very alone indeed, but I love y'all.
posted by ob1quixote at 9:49 AM on November 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


a mantra that's worked really well for me when I can't cope: Improve, Appreciate, Connect, Protect.

I appreciate that. I've been shoring myself up by a few things

1. The Internet Archive went out of their way to tell all their employees "We are safe"
2. I have always thrived better as a member of the resistance

Last night we had a "neighborhood family meeting" where about thirty of us drank and moped and talked about what we could do for each other and for this new world. It helped. The sun and the trees and the birds don't know who is president and spending some time with them can help.

People who want to just vent/rant, my email is always open. I'm not always a great conversationalist, but I will listen and I will not judge.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 9:55 AM on November 10, 2016 [33 favorites]


The other thing is that when someone close to you dies, generally people try to be kinder and gentler to you, at least for a little while, but not with this, half the country wanted this outcome, even some of my friends and family and I can't take it, I don't want to see them or hear from them and it's making me feel very isolated.

Not that it makes up for everything that's gone wrong here, but I'm starting to feel like I am becoming so much more appreciative of the contacts I do have, the people who are good and kind and want to make the world a better place for people other than themselves, the people who hurt but are willing to reach out and share their hurting with others so we aren't all alone--that is mattering an extraordinary amount to me right now.

I am so thankful for everybody who is sharing their stories here, and in other threads, and the people who are able to open their homes up to others for the holidays, and even the people who are just reading this and thinking supportive thoughts.

I know that not everybody is going to be okay, certainly not in the short term and probably not in the long term. But I am going to do everything I can do to be okay, and to help everybody that I have the capability to help, and if we all do that, I hope it will be enough.
posted by Sequence at 10:00 AM on November 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


My partner has started talking about how Trump voters are not all racists, they're just angry about being talked down to and insulted for so many years by people like, say, me Democrats, and how the Dems screwed themselves in this election. He sounds angry too. He says we don't know what will really happen despite Trump's big talk; plans are one thing, reality another. I think that Trump and his supporters have spent months telling us who they are and I see no reason not to believe them. I feel like he doesn't respect my fear and sadness and sense of betrayal.

I feel like this election was a rejection of almost everything I believe. I know my partner is more conservative than I am (most people are) and I generally respect his positions despite our disagreements but this is really hard.
posted by swerve at 10:02 AM on November 10, 2016 [12 favorites]


One bright spot that's given me some hope is the discovery of this petition that's up on WhiteHouse.gov: https://petitions.whitehouse.gov//petition/employ-electoral-college-avoid-donald-trump-presidency

I am still in shock, though. It's too much of a farce for my brain to process it all yet.
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:05 AM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


I want more than anything to move to another country - any country that's decent - but I am not "useful" because I'm a secretary, so nowhere wants me. I would go anywhere and do anything to get out, but not being marketable means that I'm not of worth as a human being.

I'm white and straight and middle-aged and boring, so no one is actively coming after me here, but I'm one paycheck away from being homeless at any given time, and without the ACA I won't have any guarantee of mental health care that's remotely attainable. It's hard enough as it is -- and being a woman (though no longer young enough or slim enough to be "visible") just got a whole lot harder.

The Supreme Court he puts in is the Supreme Court I will have until I die. Up until yesterday, I thought I would see a liberal court for the first time since I was politically aware.

I fear for my friends of color, and my LGBTQIA friends, I fear for immigrants who aren't from white countries, I fear for Jewish people... I fear for anyone who presents as anything other than what people looked like in 1950s sit-coms. I fear for the country and the the world.

I've been doing a lot of throwing up.
posted by chonus at 10:24 AM on November 10, 2016 [19 favorites]


she's basically all I can think about and all that's keeping me sane because Losing It is not an option for me at this juncture.

She is at some risk of being smothered by me, though. I'm trying to just look after her and care for her, but sometimes that takes the form of clutching her tightly while whispering "you're still perfect, you're still perfect, daddy loves you so much."
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:29 AM on November 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


2. I have always thrived better as a member of the resistance

I like the sound of this.
As a straight white guy, I've never had to resist anything, but son of a bitch, these days, I just want to be a part of something bigger than myself, something better, something I can work toward leaving this little blue marble better than I found it for my two kids.
I'm an old dude, and I grew up reading Doonesbury, and consider myself (proudly) a Bleeding Heart Liberal. I have visions of Walden Pond, Bobby Kennedy, Bernie Sanders, ACT UP, The Black Panthers, Gulf War protests, Vietnam War protests, and a million other random images in my head, and I just want to help.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 10:37 AM on November 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


At times like this I read Pema Chödrön

“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
posted by night_train at 10:38 AM on November 10, 2016 [9 favorites]


The sun and the trees and the birds don't know who is president

Maybe not the sun. But I greatly fear that the trees and the birds are about to learn what it means to have big business in charge of all branches of government.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:44 AM on November 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


As a straight white guy ... I just want to help.

Congratulations, you can! Most of the people who voted Trump in will not listento anyone not in your demographic category, regardless of what category/ies they themselves belong to.

One trick my husband has used:
When talking about some person on the news, or some friend he's met recently, mention race. "I was at the store and some white guy in line behind me was trying to figure out if cucumbers go in stew..." or "the white woman who does the weather on Channel 7 said something about rain this weekend..." and so on. Make race visible in conversations, even when (especially when) that race is white.

This can get you all sorts of weird reactions. The bigots are deeply upset by it and don't know why. (Answer: it's because they're no longer the center, no longer the "assumed default." Don't tell 'em that.) It will get confused reactions from liberals, and almost universally positive ones from people of color, who will see it for what it is: reframing the topic of race so that whiteness isn't the base assumption for "human."
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:47 AM on November 10, 2016 [122 favorites]


Bright spot gone: petition removed.
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:54 AM on November 10, 2016


reframing the topic of race so that whiteness isn't the base assumption for "human."

Holy shit, I like that.
posted by Mooski at 11:00 AM on November 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


The first thing that has actually made me feel....um, good, I guess, since Tuesday night.

I received a suggestion that instead of holiday gifts this year, especially for those with Trump voters in their families, make donations to organizations in their name (or at least wrap a little note that says you donated).

I'm donating the money I would have spent on gifts for my father and brother to http://everytown.org/.
posted by Sophie1 at 11:11 AM on November 10, 2016 [13 favorites]


I am currently in red Virginia and surrounded by people who either don't care or who made this happen. I can't even openly care, or talk about this, except to friends who are hundreds of miles away.

I have absolutely no idea what to do. Half of me thinks that I'm going to take my mother and sister and drag them kicking and screaming to Israel now, before it's too late, and the other half thinks you have to stay and fight. But fight what? Literally everything is going to break. How do I decide what to try to help? Climate change? Immigration? Human rights? I don't know how you fight everything. And I don't know how to walk around knowing that at any given time at least half the people around me just happily destroyed every bit of progress we have made as humans and as a country, for decades. The fuck do you do?
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 11:12 AM on November 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


This isn't a new presence of hate, this is hate being more visible. It's more directly harmful, but it's not new.

Many people may have thought the fight was further along than it is. Realizing that there's still so much fighting left is shocking, but it doesn't make the actual numbers change.

So, now that it's clear there's so much to do, what do you do?

How does one fight hate?

There are a lot of resources on this, built on the experience of WWII, apartheid, and the civil rights movement

My limited knowledge of Christianity includes some memorable Bible passages about defeating hate. Religious teachings have some very useful tools to offer. Defeating hate and empowering the powerless is a big part of why Christianity became so widespread and Christian nations became so strong, so religion's lessons shouldn't be ignored.

You don't defeat hate with more hate. You don't defeat it with fear. You don't defeat it by hiding. You don't defeat it by reacting without thinking.

You defeat hate with love. You defeat it with extravagant gestures showing the power of your love.

You defeat hate with words. Loud and soft, public and private.

You defeat hate with truth. Not with half-truths, not with selective truths, but with the truths that live under all the shaded words and avoidant spin and mean things you can't say. Find the real truth, the buried kernels that we don't even think about, and that truth is the important truth.

You defeat hate with strength. Not brutal strength. Not the strength that oppresses others. The strength that only you have.

You defeat hate with knowledge. This is what we have more than any other civilization in history. We will probably have to fight to preserve it, and to preserve the channels by which we can currently access such an incredible amount of knowledge.

If you want to know what to do, you can now do a search for "how to fight hate" and get a lot of ideas. If you want to know what to do, you can now quickly send a message to a friend and ask what she needs, or what he's planning, or whether they will help you. You can research the needs in your community, whether that community is geographic, familial, artistic, professional, or value based. You can get help formulating a plan.

The power you have is enormous. Feel your feet. Feel your hands. Feel your eyes. Feel your breath. Feel your mind. Understand how much you have learned. Take inventory.

One more thing: when you start feeling your power, it's still important for powerful people to show and live the kind of world where you want to live. You don't fight hate with hate. Even if hate is coming from people like you, it's still hate and will still make the world terrible.

Lots of people feel powerless right now. That won't last. Say it from the beginning, so nobody misses the message: don't fight hate with hate.
posted by amtho at 11:12 AM on November 10, 2016 [26 favorites]


But fight what? Literally everything is going to break. How do I decide what to try to help? Climate change? Immigration? Human rights? I don't know how you fight everything.

In our household list program, where we keep grocery lists and ideas for weekend outings, has lately appeared a folder called "Family Activism." That folder contains a list called "Groups/People to Help" that covers most of humanity, at least between the items labelled "All PoCs" and "Women." Somehow that wasn't enough to win a democratic election, but at least we've got a list so when I'm feeling powerless I can take a step back and say "okay, what can I do to help these specific people?"
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:16 AM on November 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


I have absolutely no idea what to do. Half of me thinks that I'm going to take my mother and sister and drag them kicking and screaming to Israel now,

My husband and I had the same thought. But that would be Appointment in Samarra; the middle east isn't going to be any better or safer than here with Trump in charge. If that's the alternative, I may as well stay where my friends and family are.
posted by holborne at 11:17 AM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm not at all on board with normalizing this unacceptable outcome, but last night I finally got some sleep and I woke up with some determination about policy objectives (besides flipping the House and Senate in 18 and the Presidency in 20). And I am drawing strength from the reality that HRC won the most votes. When California is all counted, it will be by a lot.

1. We have to all be very, very vigilant and protective of our minority citizens.

2. Time to dump the electoral college. This is the second failure to reflect the will of the majority of the people in recent history.

3. If income inequality -- i.e., lack of true economic opportunity -- and lack of educational opportunity were not baked into the U.S. system, Trump could not have won. We absolutely must address these fundamentals in workable policy proposals.

4. We need to take aim at gerrymandering and limitations on the ability to vote in a concrete way, starting now, not at the next election. We have to demand policy proposals, including non partisan district drawing, extended voting times, and accessible voter ID in the states that require it, starting now. And I think voter registration should be a big drive, starting now, as well.

5. Everyone needs to look around for realistic potential candidates at all levels.

This election is deeply frightening and it has shaken my faith in this country in a big way. But not all the way. I think it is also a clear wake up call to all of us to address our political deficiencies.

This place has been a huge source of strength and comfort to me. It, and thinking of all of you, gives me determination to fight to prevent another outcome like this.
posted by bearwife at 11:21 AM on November 10, 2016 [24 favorites]


New petition up on Change.org is gaining traction. My parents and I are sponsoring ads for it. Feels like the only thing we can do right now.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:26 AM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


...I'm back, and mostly done with the sixty-goddamned-page application. I just wanted to say after depressing you all with the train thing that as shitty and horrible and godawful and depressing as this week has been....well.

Okay, part of the application encourages/requires you to document any work/academic/social ties to the UK, so I put out an appeal for support messages from people we know at about ten this morning.

It's just about 7:30 PM here now, and sitting in my inbox are something like 25 messages from people I know talking about how and when they met me and how long we've been friends and how I'm an asset to the UK in general...and one of those is from my former thesis supervisor, who is kind of a Big Deal in his field. That's just for me. Mrs. Example has probably another twelve or fifteen letters from her coworkers and employer basically saying how great she is and that the office would fall apart without her. (Oh, and one of those messages is from someone who lent us money for part of the legal fees to do all of this, completely unasked.)

I'm going to need one of those boxes they use for manuscripts to ship all this off in. Some things are actually still pretty okay.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 11:26 AM on November 10, 2016 [17 favorites]


Half of my state and probably three-quarters of my neighbors said amen to an America that takes hating the other as an everyday value. I don't know what to do with that other than grieve.

Even so, I can follow state and local politics and call my representatives, shop and donate locally, and continue to raise my children to hold justice, diversity, kindness, tolerance, and learning dear. And I'm going to keep these words close to my heart:

"We plant the seeds that one day will grow.

We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.

We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.

This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.

It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning..."
posted by MonkeyToes at 11:39 AM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Though I'm 41 years old, my mom still asks me for a Christmas list every year. I was going to request some brewing ingredients, an auto-siphon, and maybe some cozy slippers; now all I really want are donations to the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and the SPLC.

You really shouldn't HAVE to ask people to fund organizations that will help protect you against your own nation's government, but here we are.
posted by DingoMutt at 11:44 AM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


As a Commonwealth citizen, the "triumphant" first act of Hamilton is always a little bittersweet to me, but I have been taking comfort in this little earworm ever-so-slight modified from the introduction to the second act:
Donald Trump has won the damn election, there is no more status quo.
But the sun comes up, and the world still spins.
The sun has come up twice now. And will again tomorrow, and good people are still doing good and there's good that the rest of us can do too.
posted by sparklemotion at 11:51 AM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm a single working parent stuck in a contractor's position that is coming to a close the end of December. My son is a 13 year old developmentally disabled boy on the less independent side and Trump has promised to do away with the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act which is past due for re-authorization.

What I'm most angry about right now is the immediate diet and exercise regimen I'm forced to take up as I research things like becoming a cyborg, eternal youth potions, and immortality as I can no longer fucking die if I want my son to not end up in some state run gulag run by sadists.

I've had salad for lunch and dinner since Tuesday, and this weekend I'll be jogging because that's what I do now. I jog.

Fuck you, Trump.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 11:58 AM on November 10, 2016 [15 favorites]


The world is different, Trump is president-elect.

The world is the same. The people who voted for him were there before the election.
The world is the same. The people who voted for Clinton are still here.

The world is different. People who thought everything was better because of the progress we made know better now.

I figure it's like being diagnosed with a major disease. It was there, even before you knew about it. Your world still falls apart when you find out anyway, and after you get over the shock you get to decide whether to fight or surrender.

It has only been a couple of days. Shock is still kind of crippling me.
posted by pearshaped at 12:02 PM on November 10, 2016 [28 favorites]


I've started a boycott list on my profile.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:05 PM on November 10, 2016 [19 favorites]


One of my spineless neighbors put up a large trump sign YESTERDAY. It was not there before the election.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:12 PM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Thank you so much, Sophie1, that's going to be quite useful. If anybody can come up with good resources with which to contact those companies, that would feel like doing something, however small, to make it visible. I'm just setting up a new apartment, so the loss of Macy's especially is something I can feel--but I like that. It means something to give up something you'll miss.
posted by Sequence at 12:12 PM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


This poem also helps:
“The Real Work” by Wendell Berry

It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work,
and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.
The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is the one that sings.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:13 PM on November 10, 2016 [24 favorites]


Thank you for this post. I will read the other comments later, since I want to get work done today.

I posted this in the main thread, but I'm a children's book editor, and this Facebook post from We Need Diverse Books gave me the strength to get through work yesterday.

I crawled into bed drunk after the results were announced and sobbed big, ugly tears for an hour. I kept waking up on and off all night. But I got up in the morning and I read that Facebook post, and I had coffee and put ice on my eyes. I cried a little more as I removed my Hillary buttons from my bag, but then I dressed in my best editor-lady outfit and went to work.

I was scheduled to speak to a college class yesterday about representation of mixed-race Asian Americans in children's books and publishing. What the fuck, right? Like who even cares about that while the world burns? But I read that Facebook post and realized that it fucking matters. I opened my talk by reading that post to the class. And we had a great discussion. The kids are all right.

I came home and took out the bottle of champagne I had put in the fridge to celebrate a Hillary win, and instead I raised a glass to Kamala Harris, Tammy Duckworth, and Catherine Cortez Masto. (Yesterday we more than doubled the number of women senators of color IN HISTORY. And Cortez Masto, who I didn't know much about before yesterday, has said, "I'll be one hell of a checks and balances on [Trump]," which feels so good to hear.) And to Sandra Lee Fewer, who won a seat for my district on the San Francisco Board of Supervisors despite the tech industry pouring almost $1 million into her opponent's campaign, in a neighborhood race (!). And then I watched Casablanca, and decided that I'm going with what I think of as the iron Southern lady response to all this: I'm going to dress impeccably and drink champagne and fucking fight for what I believe in. And I'm going to cope by watching a bunch of movies about brave people standing up to the Nazis. I just donated to Planned Parenthood.

My coworker wrote this on our shared whiteboard: "There is work to be done." -Walter Dean Myers
posted by sunset in snow country at 12:17 PM on November 10, 2016 [20 favorites]


I'm trying to find new people to support and build up with an eye on the future. Who is that absolutely fantastic woman from NY with the peculiar name? I cannot remember it to save my life.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:32 PM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Zephyr Teachout.
posted by pemberkins at 12:33 PM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


THANK YOU
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:37 PM on November 10, 2016


I went to work yesterday morning thinking i could sit through it, then almost immediately had to go cry in the bathroom. Realizing I could not be at work, I was rushing out the office when my boss walked in. He tried to talk to me about the results and I just bursted into tears. He was very understanding and tried to console me. Quite a day.
posted by monologish at 12:38 PM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Thank you all for all of this.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 12:41 PM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm glad I'm not the only one who just couldn't manage work yesterday. I woke up a little hungover and a lot angry, and just realized I couldn't it. I work full-time from home (though not a freelancer), and I just....didn't get off the sofa. I didn't tell any of my co-workers that I wasn't working, I just shut the phone off and watched reruns of the Big Bang Theory all day and ate carbs. That is highly unlike me, but I was out of fucks to give.

I'm taking a long weekend trip with some girlfriends, which I assume is going to involve a lot of wine and commiserating over this awful turn of events. I'm giving myself the weekend to grieve and be sad, and then Monday I'm going to start figuring out ways to help.
posted by tryniti at 12:47 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


I laid in bed all day Wednesday in tearful rage, this has now resolved into white-hot anger.

I fired a conservative client who called to gloat. He'll never see another lick of work from me.

I'm encouraging everyone I know to download and use Signal; it's going to be indispensable to the revolution.

I will not give up on this until my last, dying breath.
posted by pjern at 12:52 PM on November 10, 2016 [26 favorites]


I'm a high school teacher. I saw the future of America forced into adulthood overnight and without warning and they rose to the challenge in a magnificent way. We may have failed them, but they have no intention of failing us.

There were scared teens yesterday. Normally chatty and bouncy kids were stony-faced and in shock. Kids who rarely acknowledge each other were embracing in hallways. A young woman wearing the hijab hugged the walls in an effort to become invisible. She asked to sit facing the door so she could keep an eye out. When a more entitled student bounced into the room proclaiming, "Trump WON!" at least half of my students shrunk into their seats and stared at the floor, avoiding eye contact.

But I find inspiration that these terrified kids and their terrified families are choosing an education above all. They want to know more, to understand perspective, to challenge their minds and become thoughtful citizens. They want to make sure this never happens again and it's the very act of choosing knowledge that separates them from Trump supporters.

Today may feel dark, but I know our future is bright.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:52 PM on November 10, 2016 [20 favorites]


Girls from the high school class of our Girls Who Code group--I do the middle school girls so I don't know them personally, but the high school class is on our Slack and someone was posting pictures from one of the rallies. It was heartening.
posted by Sequence at 12:54 PM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


I've had to work really hard at keeping my spirits up today by helping with some organizing and just generally chatting on Mefi. I've been getting some updates from folks who are deep in working to deal with climate change world and....yeah... it's grim. The latest science coming out is bad and the general feeling is that the chance we as a whole had to keep it under the 2 degree level is now gone, unless Trump does and entire 180 an goes all in.

And don't go and read what the consquences of this type of change is unless you're really mentally prepared. It's overwhelming.

There's some massive regrouping right because yes people are keeping on, keeping on.

And just to add more food to be concerned about, there have been on the ground grumbling that now sanctions should be brought to the table as a tool. No serious official talk but an 'in the halls' sort of thing.


And all that pretty much makes me want to despair, say fuck it all and try to enjoy the last of the good times what will be considered the good times.

But yeah, I'm forcing myself not to do that.
posted by Jalliah at 1:04 PM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


This google doc entitled Concrete Suggestions in Preparation for January (by demographic) just popped up in my FB feed. My apologies if it's already been linked to.
posted by Hey Dean Yeager! at 1:08 PM on November 10, 2016 [14 favorites]


I'm back at work today and while it's helpful that the people around me are as shell-shocked and distraught as I am, I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I heard from a coworker that most of the women who work in the building didn't come in yesterday.

I got a work email last night that opened with "I hope you're holding up better than I am." And I was like, no, actually, I've been on the couch with my cats all day. We exchanged a few emails back and forth and she ended by saying "See you tomorrow. You can't hide with cats forever!" And I was like, "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED."

One of our faculty members told me this morning that she's received emails from five undergraduates telling her that they're undocumented, that they're afraid, and they've asked her what they should do. She was crying as she told me this, because she doesn't know what to tell them.

It's real. Way too real.
posted by mudpuppie at 1:33 PM on November 10, 2016 [12 favorites]


I cried myself to sleep late Tuesday night and laid in bed reading metafilter and cuddling with my dog for more of Wednesday. And with more tears, of course. I talked to my parents on the phone and listened to my dad rant about how much he hates Trump, and my mom talk about how worried she is for my future and that of my sister's- we're both in our mid-twenties and living in red states. My roommate told me yesterday that she was hoping to start having kids within the next four years, but that this election changed her mind because she doesn't want to bring children into this America. I got multiple texts from friends who are also grieving and worrying about their immigrant family members and what will happen to their own health insurance.

I finally pulled myself out of bed to take my dog to her playgroup. I had made pumpkin muffins the other day so I brought them to share with all the other dog parents. We talked about how upset we all were, and the small bright spots coming out of our local election (a new mayor, $12 minimum wage coming to our town in July) and watched our dogs play and take our minds off of politics. One of the other women there invited me to a meeting Planned Parenthood had put together for last night to discuss the election results, for people to grieve openly, and make some plans for the future.

Going to that made me feel a lot better. Especially meeting strangers and hearing about how so many people in my town feel the same way I do about Trump's win. We decided to meet up every month and start coordinating with other cities in Arizona and the local branch of the Democrat Party. It made me feel like I'm actually doing something, like I have some control for the first time in the past two days. We were told that swaying the outcome of the state midterm elections over to the blue side is unlikely, but that we can and hopefully will make a difference in local politics. I'm excited for it.
posted by mollywas at 1:33 PM on November 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


to take my dog to her playgroup

Okay, this just made my day.
posted by mudpuppie at 1:36 PM on November 10, 2016 [15 favorites]


I think we should give ourselves a break, and credit for still being here, being aware, and being courageous enough to be both.

This is new ground for us ALL. There is no reason to expect to know what to do, how to recover, what will work and what won't. We're like a bunch of wasps that had our nest knocked down and trying to find our way again.

The election bullshit came right after I filed for bankruptcy last week. For the first time in my life. So I don't know what I'm doing with that, either.

All I can think of is what a friend of mine told me years ago, when I complained that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. She said, "Who cares? Why not just enjoy the bumble?"

Somehow that doesn't ground me much at the moment, but it's at least a small remembrance of coping in a similar helpless scenario.

I'm glad this site and this thread are here. You guys are the most thoughtful people I've never met. That is a comfort.
posted by yoga at 1:59 PM on November 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


I have a really good friend who is a super lefty male currently living in South America (Marxist economist background) and when I shared how sad and upsetting it was for me (as described more eloquently above) as the survivor of a rape attempt and, especially, for survivors of actual rape, when white lefty men try to explain to us how it's okay that Hillary didn't win, he texted me that he understood but there might be millions of men, women and children outside of the US who are feeling safer, like there might be fewer US weapons heading to Colombia. And I was just, I can't talk politics with you because that will endanger our friendship.

Thank you MeFites. No kidding. I wanted to stay in bed all day but it would be so bad for me for reasons. So I feel like I'm part of a group hug. My heart goes out to those of you facing actual danger. I'm a White old woman so I'm pretty safe (except, you know, poor and terrified I'll lose the health insurance I finally got). I so appreciate the links, the suggestions, the support, the love, the anger, the sorrow, the grief, the horror, the resolve, the everything. I met Matt of founder fame way briefly at an event he spoke at on November 4th. I just wanted to tell him how much this place means to me. Now, more than ever, it's the emotional harbour I need. Thank you all!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:06 PM on November 10, 2016 [13 favorites]


ErisLordFreedom: reframing the topic of race so that whiteness isn't the base assumption for "human."


I'd favourite this a million times if I could. I would so like to share your post on Facebook, but only if you're comfortable. Yes / no?

If no, okay! ! If yes, then should I share it with a link to here, or not?

Thanks so much for writing it. My husband's going to start doing it too.
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 2:19 PM on November 10, 2016


This is the first year my identity as a Jew in this country has caused me deep anxiety. Between the (((echoes))), harassment of Jewish journalists, more prominent stature of David Duke, and nazi graffiti and rally chants, it's all too much. I'm secular, but don't hide the affiliation, and am definitely identifiable by anyone with slight Jewdar.

I attended a vespers service at a Unitarian church in DC. It did me good to be around so many gentle souls who feel deeply, respect others, and ache from the future unfolding before us.
posted by cichlid ceilidh at 2:27 PM on November 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


If anyone who identifies as Jewish wants to send an open letter to people who belong to targeted groups, you can do that here.
posted by bearwife at 2:47 PM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Saw this on Twitter. Hillary spotted out walking her dog today in Chappaqua. As one commenter said, if she is not under her covers then I can manage it too. (Oh, if the cute little child in the picture doesn't warm your heart...)
posted by AugustWest at 2:52 PM on November 10, 2016 [16 favorites]


I just want to say thank you to the people who have mentioned small acts I can take today to feel less despondent about all this. Monthly donations are heading to the International Rescue Committee thanks to EmpressCallipygos (I wish you strength in the important work you do), along with ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and the Southern Poverty Law Center.

In the days to come my husband and I will look for ways to be more active beyond monetary contributions, and I sincerely look forward to getting there mentally. Right now, it just felt good to be able to say to these organizations "I am with you."
posted by erratic meatsack at 2:57 PM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


On Tuesday, the day started brightly with happy pictures of women and daughters voting and bringing photos of ancestors to the polls. My husband and I went with a friend to a Democratic election returns party at a local restaurant. They had a cardboard Hillary, and lots of people showed up pantsuits. The mood was jolly. Once returns started coming in, it got quieter. As it dragged on, and Florida flipped, people started leaving. We went home. I stayed up until 1:30 playing with electoral math, trying to find a way to make it true that she was really elected after all. I gave up and went to bed, but woke up at 4:30 with a cold pit of dread in my stomach. I went back to reading the news.

Then, I had to get on the road to a professional conference. Fortunately, it is a good place to be. My field is concerned with community and civic issues and we are all of one mind. Stunned, sad, concerned. We are all half distracted but also earnestly seeking a way forward. So, it was a good place to be.

At the same time, over the day I felt mounting rage. As I realized in separate waves all the different dimensions of terrible this is. But the most painful is probably that I feel personally thrown under the bus by people who voted Trump; they decided their opinion was more important than the safety and dignity of so many other people who will be at risk now. My grief is also in part at the dream that we could finally have a woman leader - something I think would have been enormously positive in a thousand ways. Every time I think about what it would have felt like on Wednesday morning to wake up and think a woman is President-elect of the United States , I want to cry all over again that we were denied that powerfully hopeful, strengthening, and inspiring moment. It feels like a direct slap in the face.

I am staying with friends, and we sat at the kitchen table over a long meal processing and starting to strategize. My reaction to bad things is always to take action. But I gave myself a full day just to seethe and grieve. Now am I starting that thought process. Rather than leap into the hot ideas popping off right now, I am going to step back and do some serious consideration of the best way to use my skills, privileges, and access to effect real social and cultural change that will be reflected in lasting and definiite political change. This has been a profoundly galvanizing moment, but not in a way that feels good - a way that feels grimly determined. This morning I had the thought: you know the trope about the "fiesty old woman?" Well, now I know exactly why they were so fiesty: one day the bullshit pushes you over the edge and you no longer give any fucks about keeping people comfortable.

I am also not sure exactly what I'm going to do because I"m about to move, and I'll have a new job and new communities. So I'll need to understand that landscape. But there is one thing I feel sure I need to add to my life: I want to support girls. I want to help young girls and young women. I want to be a force in their lives that makes them feel whole, full, strong, respected, powerful, and impervious to attempts to stop them. It might have been HIllary's final message working in my mind - but I am afraid there were times I (and based on friends' comments, other women too) held ourselves back, did not speak up when could have, sold ourselves short, valued comfort over truth, and doubted our own power. I want to help girls understand that all those messages that tell them they are not enough are false, invented, and must be ignored. This is the message I take away, and it's not just for youth:
"never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams."

posted by Miko at 3:04 PM on November 10, 2016 [30 favorites]


Dinner the other day was liquor poured on ice cream.

This sounds fun, I should try it. I've got chocolate wine...which is my usual winter-sucks drink of choice.

I just signed up for a musical improv class pretty much at the last minute, starting in three hours. I was going to stop taking classes for awhile because (a) winter sucks, (b) driving in cold dark winter traffic/rain sucks, and (c) I should be working on my NaNo novel this month. However, I'm ahead on the novel and I need something cheerful to do that isn't being home drinking.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:07 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Also, I appreciate the suggestions on issues and organizing and if anyone is interested in organizing on overturning Congress and/or women's political issues, I am interested and happy to get MeMail on the topic - or if there is another place that conversation can happen with other MeFites or strategically-minded people, to be pointed there.
posted by Miko at 3:11 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


OK, I was going to leave this thread alone but then I got this fabulous email from Barbara Boxer:

My heart was broken by the results of this election. The hearts of millions of people across our country were broken.

But here is where I begin to find solace: Hillary won the popular vote.

That means more people voted for a female President.

That means more people voted for stronger together.

That means more people voted against division, fear, and tearing each other down.

I've been around long enough to remember some heart-breaking elections, and here's the truth: You can't give up.

If I had given up after I lost my first race for Marin County Board of Supervisors in 1972 -- the year Nixon won reelection -- I never would have won the seat four years later and launched my political career. If Democrats had given up after Bush's reelection, we would never have won back the House and Senate two years later, in 2006.

So, we cannot give up hope. And there are other reasons to be hopeful for our country's future, like the four strong Democratic women we elected to the Senate Tue‌sday night, including Kamala Harris here in California.

I am so gratified that Kamala will be my successor in the Senate, and I want to share with you her words on election night, when the mood among Democrats was so dark. She said:

"Do not despair. Do not be overwhelmed. Do not throw up our hands when it is time to roll up our sleeves and fight for who we are."
That's the kind of woman I want in the U.S. Senate, and that is how we are going to take back the White House and Congress: By standing up and fighting for the things that matter most!

We need to continue the fight for equality, for justice, for peace, for economic fairness, and for a healthy and livable environment -- and we need to continue the fight together.

posted by bearwife at 3:18 PM on November 10, 2016 [31 favorites]



Fucking, fucking, fucking fuck.

In a class waiting for it to start. We have one American in it and she just walked in and first thing she does is ask for time to 'get it out of the way and explain the election to us'.

Me immediately and pretty forcefully: "No. Can we not please?"
She looked at me in surprise. We get along so I think she was shocked that I was just like 'wtf? lady NO'.

She said," Ah why?"

I said 'Look that's just not necessary. We don't need an explanation. Not here and not the time"

Then finally another woman piped up "Yeah please. Doesn't make me feel good'

And another "Yeah no thanks"

In her defense she did say okay, no problem. I think she thought maybe she was going to help us or something.

I seriously just don't want to hear her explanation because if it's something along of Trump okay and it's not so bad I would just lose my shit and rage.

*shaking*
posted by Jalliah at 3:23 PM on November 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


I'd like to point you to Mchelly's terrific observation about election grief, and to "Here’s Why We Grieve Today," by Jon Pavlovitz. I don't know anything about him--link via a friend--but this spoke to me:

"And it is not only that these things have been ratified by our nation that grieve us; all this hatred, fear, racism, bigotry, and intolerance—it’s knowing that these things have been amen-ed by our neighbors, our families, our friends, those we work with and worship alongside. That is the most horrific thing of all. We now know how close this is.

"It feels like living in enemy territory being here now, and there’s no way around that. We wake up today in a home we no longer recognize. We are grieving the loss of a place we used to love but no longer do. This may be America today but it is not the America we believe in or recognize or want."
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:26 PM on November 10, 2016 [12 favorites]


I was scheduled to be off yesterday and that was great given that I hardly got any sleep, but being back at work today was a nice escape. I thought about cancelling the hotel reservation I made for the inauguration but I just can't do it yet. I also think it's time to get another dog.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:30 PM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


I can't decide if I'm coping or planning to leave the country.

Trump...upsets me. A lot. He's a con man born of con men. (Seriously, look up his granddad.) There have been so many accusations against him, which I take seriously (I have always taken those against Bill Clinton seriously, too, for the record). And he has said so very many awful things. But, Jesus, it's what surrounds him that truly petrifies me: Pence, his cabinet picks (potentially Palin and Carson!), a conservative SCOTUS, a fully Republican Congress. Everything is so stacked it's ridiculous.

Do I/we want to stick around to see how this goes? We're always willing to talk about leaving abusive households and partners, no matter what—no matter if it puts you into debt, no matter if you lose your possessions, no matter if you have to start new elsewhere. I think we need to be just as willing to leave abusive states and countries. An abusive partner can kill you. So can a regressive, authoritarian state. I think we've been one for a while. I think it's going to get worse.

I very much want to be wrong about where this is headed. I want to buy into the treacly Kool-Aid that this is like other hardships we've gotten through. But I'm not sure it is. I think the federal government, wedded to capitalism and religion, is going to devour the nation, as those things have already devoured so many individual states.

What I think is that I don't want to be here if/when the shit really does hit the fan.
posted by iamfantastikate at 3:32 PM on November 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


What I'm afraid of is that I'll somehow get used to it. I want to feel as angry and scared as I do today.
posted by zutalors! at 3:42 PM on November 10, 2016 [14 favorites]


I have not watched the news. I have not watched my daily doses of late night talk show hosts. I have only alluded to the 'wtf' with coworkers in brief astonished terms. I cannot talk about this with my wife. I broke it to my kids that the bad man won. I have burried myself in work, and once I transition home, I have a brief period of existential dread and grief that I cannot get past for at least an hour. I am sad. I am very sad.
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:43 PM on November 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


Here is a more detailed story with full credit to the woman with Hillary in my comment above.
posted by AugustWest at 3:45 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]



I have not watched the news. I have not watched my daily doses of late night talk show hos


I turned off the news once they flipped to an elated Guiliani and haven't turned it on again.
posted by zutalors! at 3:47 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Also, I have not slept in two nights. Like really. Maybe 15 minutes of dozing... that's all... I have laid awake praying for my weird fever dream of Monday night where a cross between the ma-na-ma-na Muppet guy and Stephen Tyler from Aerosmith repeatedly say 'cold diet pepsi' in a very automotopeia sort of way and periodically break into a spoken word poem that I can't remember... unfortunately, I can't get that crazy dream to start again in my brain... and in its place is just dread. And so I do not sleep. There is no peace or drowning out of my head.
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:54 PM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


I did end up going on my long hike today, and somewhere around the four-mile mark I moved from grief and sadness into determination. I don't know what's going to happen, but I damned well am going to work to keep my clients safe. I am damned well going to serve them to the best of my ability, to treat their trauma caused by living in an oppressive system, to mitigate any more trauma due to a disappearing safety net, to the best of my ability. And I am going to be there for my co-workers, who are doing the same things for our clients. And I am going to be there for myself, so that I have the energy to be there for others.

I already do the work for this fight. I will need to do more, I know, but I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. And everyone who is already out there making the world better -- by helping disadvantaged people, by raising compassionate kids, by adopting rescue animals, by strengthening their communities, by creating beautiful things -- is already doing the work for this fight. We will need to do more, I know. And many of us need right now not to work, but to grieve, and that's ok, too. But discounting and devaluing the work we're already doing lets them win, because it discounts and devalues us.

You are all worthwhile wonderful valuable people. Please do what you need to do to be ok, for whatever value of "ok" you can manage right now. We need you in this world.
posted by lazuli at 3:57 PM on November 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


To be honest, the one thing making me feel better playing the atomic bomb blasts from Dr. Strangelove over and over in my head, while singing Vera Lynn's We'll Meet Again to myself.

I don't really understand it. Maybe it's because the Cold War era seems like a somehow more innocent and quaint time. Maybe it's the absurdity and gallows humor of the film that helps put things into . . . perspective(?) of some kind.

Whatever the case, it's working enough to get me through the day without panic and tears.

I also had a good chat with a coworker today in which we were talking about Trump's appointments and we both expressed relief that Jessie Helms is dead. Then we joked that Trump might actually exhume Helms's body from the grave, plop it right down on the Senate floor, and give it an appointment anyway. It was a tremendous relief to laugh, even a little.
posted by treepour at 4:04 PM on November 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


I've spent the day looking at websites of real estate on Vancouver Island. I'm not actually planning to move, it would be completely impractical, plus of course I want to stay in the US and fight back. But looking at pictures of houses with views of the ocean and mountains and woods and picturing myself there, hearing the sounds of the wind and the water and birds, has been amazingly soothing.
posted by Daily Alice at 4:07 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of it all and it's only just begun. I'm tired of trying to explain to white men around me why I can't explain how sad I am without talking about the white, voting population of this country overwhelmingly repudiating who I am. I'm tired of explaining. I'm exhausted by being asked to educate when google exists. I'm so tired of trying to fix this. I'm a POC, I'm queer, I'm a gender non-conforming woman, and I'm trapped inside a burning house while the people around me expect me to fight the fire. I live in the super blue Bay Area and yesterday, 2 miles from my house, a girl in a hijab was attacked in a parking garage. Everything feels exhausting and inescapable and it's only November 10.

I really want to move into the anger and determination part of this. That's my usual response to...everything. I'm tired of sitting in the yard and crying because my stupid, beautiful dog is being stupid and beautiful. So many good people in my life have reached out, I have an amazing woman I'm (still, fuck you, Pence) going to marry, and my parents (who have been abroad for a month and will be for another week) saw me melt down on twitter on election night and offered to fly home early. I'm not alone. I'm just tired.
posted by komlord at 4:11 PM on November 10, 2016 [31 favorites]


It's been a rough year and a half, for a lot of reasons, but I've managed to cope fairly well up until the past few weeks. And then on election night, I could feel myself sliding further into the very familiar hole of deep, black depression. It's a hole I just spent several years dragging myself out of, and I'm terrified of falling back into it.

A not-small part of the reason it's been a rough year and a half is that I made huge important life changes. I started college for the first time and am a month away from finishing my associates degree, with honors, and was getting ready to start the application process to transfer and pursue a bachelors degree. I took a big leap at work and put myself up for a special project that eventually turned into a new position -- not doing something I want to do for the rest of my life, but it's a good stepping stone where I can pick up some important skills before I move on to something that suits me better and gives me even the slightest sense of fulfillment. And part of the stress of Tuesday night was feeling like my chances at an exciting new life are now gone. How can I take on more student loan debt in this new regime, how can I trust that my job will be safe, et cetera.

Today I decided, fuck it. They can't take my education from me. I'll move forward and focus my studies on things that will make me as effective a weapon as possible. I'm kind of good at communicating ideas to people, I'm very good at advocating for people who aren't able to do so for themselves... there's got to be a way I can take those skills and combine them with a top-notch education and my marrow-deep social justice ranger tendencies and do some good with the rest of my time on this earth.

So that's what I'm going to do.
posted by palomar at 4:35 PM on November 10, 2016 [24 favorites]


I hope it is working out for others. I guess it isn't working out for me.

I'm not in a healthy place right now, but seeing my posts deleted isn't helping one bit. Off to post where my family can judge everything I say.
posted by Sphinx at 4:47 PM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


I lost my job (lay off) on Oct 19 and I was doing okay in terms of how I felt about it, but the election gutted me.

I was watching the election results in a house full of queer women of one sort or another, but I left about 1030pm. I took a half a xanax and I slept before I could hear it declared because I couldn't bear to be awake for it. I am not sure I've heard the news proper since. I can't listen to the radio. I won't turn on the TV news.

I had a job interview yesterday and I cried during it.

Today I've been angry.

I don't know what to do, or how my job search will work out in this climate. I'm just so scared.
posted by Medieval Maven at 4:53 PM on November 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


The office was funereal yesterday. 20 Hillary supporters in glass walls, crying in offices and checking the news and watching the concession speech and making no pretense that everything was okay. I have multiple colleagues of color, some of whom aren't US citizens. If Trump kills NAFTA, my two Canadian colleagues will lose their jobs. That's not including our many, many students of color, who are gay or trans, who are Muslim, who are from another country, who are here 'illegally', etc. Did I mention that office was funereal?

Today I am mostly angry. My vow is to eat healthy and exercise more...so that I can live to see the first female President of the United States get elected. I vow that I will.
posted by librarylis at 4:54 PM on November 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


I must have looked forbidding today because the folks who usually come by my cubicle to chat didn't linger. I didn't want them to; I don't know how they voted. I'd have said not Trump a few days ago but now I don't trust that I truly know what people are thinking, and I don't want to, because I can't deal with that shit at work. Didn't hear anyone celebrating, though, so that at least I didn't have to deal with.
posted by emjaybee at 5:40 PM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


And now, as if my rage and nausea at this year and this world couldn't get more profound, Leonard Cohen has left us.

"They're lining up the prisoners
And the guards are taking aim
I struggled with some demons
They were middle class and tame
I didn't know I had permission to murder and to maim
You want it darker

Hineni, hineni
I'm ready, my lord

Magnified, sanctified, be thy holy name
Vilified, crucified, in the human frame
A million candles burning for the love that never came
You want it darker
We kill the flame"

--You Want It Darker

Goodnight, Leonard. I'll miss your voice in the deeper darknesses ahead.
posted by informavore at 6:00 PM on November 10, 2016 [12 favorites]


Finally reached the point where I could get back online today. Had to cut ties with two relatives yesterday after some very ugly Facebook exchanges, life is short and I don't need the drama. Spent the rest of the day offline and contemplating a work transfer out of the US (a valid option at the moment, but I feel like we should stay and fight - that and Mrs. Photo Guy doesn't want to change jobs again).

Work has been pure hell for me, I don't know how I can bear it. I knew my coworkers were conservative, but I never knew how disgusting they could be. All white men naturally. It's non stop, and is 10x worse because they've always excluded me. Needless to say I'm looking for a new job soon.
posted by photo guy at 6:01 PM on November 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


Just had four different people text me about Cohen. Ding, ding, ding fucking ding.

Fucking 2016.
posted by rokusan at 6:05 PM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Fucking 2016.

What I fear, sitting here and reading MeFi and drinking too much, is that 2017 is grinning at us evilly with a 'wait'll they get a load of ME' expression.
posted by Mooski at 6:12 PM on November 10, 2016 [9 favorites]


I've been to damned depressed to even type. But I have beer now, so here we go.

Im a 57 year old white male. I have hypertension, high cholesterol and type 2 diabetes. As well as depression and anxiety issues. The last few days have been one long panic attack. I haven't had insurance for a while. So I haven't been able to afford my nearly $700 a month medications. I was hoping to get in on the 2017 ACA. I probably still wiil, but to what end? By the time it goes through it will be gone. The wife has insurance but her job has kept her as a temp for a couple of years now. Her insurance does not cover me. We have been paying out of pocket, but for a long while I could either see a doctor or get my meds. The doctor tried to help by giving me a bunch of samples but it was never enough.

My mother died recently. My brother had her sign papers that made him the executor of her will. Originally it was me. She admitted that she didn't know what she signed. She trusted him. Just very recently I finally got half of the sale of her house. The wife and I were going to go on a cruise for our anniversary. Not now.

I have to hire a lawyer to handle the issue that he refuses to send me a copy of the damn will. That is going to cost a lot. As well, I wanted to get SSI for a long time. My NYC doctor just refuses to send my records to my new doctor. Guess what? I need a lawyer for that as well.

Any monies from the house sale are going to go real fast. All of this crap and the election results on top of it has me in a deep depression.

I have had a lump in the pit of my stomach that will not go away. And it's not just me feeling sorry for myself. Which I certainly do, no doubt.

I can no longer watch TV news or go to news websites. Any inkling of the scumbag makes me want to vomit. I actually have fear for the PoC and LGBT people that have to deal with this too. Women in the fucking street. Children. I don't want to make this all about me. The thing is that at my age, with my issues, there is a good chance that I will see the beginning of this shitshow... but not the end.

I'll have watched the beginning of the end. But the end? Or some change? Not sanguine about that.

To all of you that are here, I love you all. So very much.

To all of the people calling for empathy. No. Not at all. Fuck that noise. I know that empathy isn't sympathy. But I can't, I won't spare an iota of my limited mental space for that. Call me what you will. I am lucky if I can get through a day without hysterical sobbing. This is the destruction of everything that I have believed and lived for. This is indeed the fucking end times.

This is hell, nor am I out of it.
posted by Splunge at 6:21 PM on November 10, 2016 [21 favorites]


Listen, y'all. My birthday is tomorrow.

This has been like my year. My brother suddenly died, while my freaky Texas landlady's mother-in-law was blasting music and drinking whiskey and her daughter said she'd evict her but no and my husband can't handle a crisis so we drove out to see my dying brother and my conservative nephew chose to put me down and my son was too busy to see me in Chicago and my aunt insisted on giving us money and my cousin saw my cat fb post and told me i am a piece of shit for using money to see my dying brother instead of using it for moving my husband told me in albany he wouldn't go forward until I asked my aunt for money until i figured out too late that we can get money out of our credit union nationwide and then i saw my brother and gave him a kieth urban dvd and thought i could heal him and my sister is a piece of shit and so is her husband and i saw my daughter and my granddaughter and my daughter begged for money so we gave her food and money on her vacation and later when i asked her if she went to see my dying brother she said I am too busy and I only let you see your granddaughter because you begged you bitch i am cutting you off.

And I live in Maine, with PAUL LEPUKE as governor. I voted Dem. But by now, I am numb to anything. My good friend died suddenly on Monday, my mother's 5-year-death anniversary was Nov. 7th and her birthday was November 9th, and mine and my husband's is tomorrow, and we can't afford a dinner out, because I foolishly spent our savings on a trip to see my dying brother, who died from complications of a fucking tooth infection. Age: 55, if he had lived to this October.

Happy fucking birthday to me.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:23 PM on November 10, 2016 [21 favorites]


I've just had to had to unfriend someone after the third "Hope for the best! Give Trump a Chance!" post. It's actually not the racist assholes who disappoint me. It's the people I trusted to have my back, as a woman and a minority. The ones who think they're the good guys because they voted for Clinton, and then turn around and post stuff like this.
posted by snickerdoodle at 6:28 PM on November 10, 2016 [20 favorites]


My friend, who is a Trump supporter, sent me a message today. Hey, how are you and the wife doing? Let me know. I have been his friend and support for many, many years. He's living with his ex-wife and her husband. He hates it. A while back he asked me for a loan, for when he moves out. I told him to just let me know. He has always paid me back, eventually. Now if he asks for cash I have to tell him the truth. I no longer have it. But don't worry, buddy. Donny is going to take care of you. Me? I have to take care of me.
posted by Splunge at 6:43 PM on November 10, 2016 [9 favorites]


Daily Alice, if you ever come to Vancouver Island for a visit, I will take you out for coffee/tea/drinks and a long walk by the ocean. It's the least I can do for someone whose username comes from my favourite book!
posted by atropos at 6:51 PM on November 10, 2016


I just went down to the store to grab something to eat, as everything in my kitchen seemed too difficult. But once I was in the store, the sight of people going about their shopping as if we weren't entering into some sort of cheeto dystopia was too much for me, and I felt the panic rising every time I came near other shoppers. I barely ended up grabbing a loaf of bread before I had to get the hell out of there.
posted by Gaz Errant at 6:59 PM on November 10, 2016 [12 favorites]


Here in Canada, possibly losing NATO is very frightening. Both Russia and the United States now have leaders who have no respect for treaties or international law. Leaders who believe that "the strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must." Suddenly I can imagine what it must have been like to be Belgian in 1913, or Polish in 1938.

I feel ashamed to post in this thread, because I know that I have so much less to fear than others here.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 7:18 PM on November 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


I went to a pub quiz Wednesday night and there was a question for all the teams about what three items you would put in a basket to comfort someone. I got to step up to the mic and announce our team's answer: tacos, tequila and a ten-inch.

Lots of laughs, but no points.
posted by bendy at 7:22 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Take away his name. Refer to him as "the president-elect," and later, unfortunately, as "the president." When speaking of most of 2016, call him "the Republican candidate." He cares more about his name being in the news than the title he just won. He wants the title - but he wants it in front of his name, not to just be the 45th in a long series of other guys who've done the same job.

On Tumblr they're talking about treating his name like Benedict Cumberbatch, i.e. Bendywoo Cabbagepatch

examples include
Dingo Train
Dondo Tron
Dander Trap
Dipshit Trapeze

Not the most respectable of coping methods, but I think I like it, personally. I also really hate calling him the president.
posted by Rainbo Vagrant at 7:41 PM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


as everything in my kitchen seemed too difficult.

So very much this. I have a variety of ingredients in my kitchen. I couldn't even get the energy to make tuna salad. I had a peanut butter sandwich today. No jelly. When the wife came home from work she brought home a tub of mac and cheese. We nuked it. Still haven't eaten. Who can eat?
posted by Splunge at 7:43 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Oh, I can always eat... Cynicism, humor, food, and alcohol are my coping mechanisms, and sometimes food takes first precedence.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:48 PM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


I feel ashamed to post in this thread, because I know that I have so much less to fear than others here.

Please never feel this way. The entire world should feel this way. If they don't they are fooling themselves. Or they are clueless. Or they support this madness.
posted by Splunge at 7:50 PM on November 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


Bendywoo Cabbagepatch

Nooooooo...

Mango Unchained and Banana Republican have been my favorite nicks for him so far.
posted by bendy at 7:50 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


On Tumblr they're talking about treating his name like Benedict Cumberbatch, i.e. Bendywoo Cabbagepatch

Why not just "The Trumpster"?
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:53 PM on November 10, 2016



Not the most respectable of coping methods, but I think I like it, personally. I also really hate calling him the president.


I think I may just do what a lot of Canadians do with our Prime Minister and just call him Donald. In our case it's not a sign of disrespect it's more one of familiarity. For so many people here it's just Justin this and Justin that.

Trump hates being called by his first name. Even President Donald would work.
posted by Jalliah at 7:56 PM on November 10, 2016


Oh, Marie Mon Dieu, consider yourself hugged by a fellow Mainer, even though we're two hours away from one another. Pepe LePew (my father's nickname for our gov) has been so gleeful over the victory of his BFF The Orange Monster that it makes me nauseated. Word has it that once Pepe is finished pillaging Maine, he would like to try for the US Senate. I can't even.

On your birthdays tomorrow (I mean you and your husband), I imagine that "happy" may be an unrealistic expectation, given the one-two punch of personal and political upheaval in your lives. But I wish you a quiet and peaceful day together, with weather suitable for talking a walk or some other low-key activity.
posted by virago at 8:01 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah


is going to have to be my rallying cry right now. I can't fucking believe Leonard Cohen just died in the middle of all this shit. I hope to carry on his completely ambivalent commitment to love and enlightenment.
posted by lazuli at 8:04 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


I looked back and I had comments as early as 2014 saying that I thought Clinton would never win a general election, but over the past year I changed my mind and genuinely thought she would win, especially against someone so obviously unqualified. So it was a real shock and very distressing to see the results and think about the impacts on my own life and even more so on people I care about. I understand more now how upset my parents were when Reagan was elected; it feels like such a personal repudiation of my values and life.

In the short term I will go gun shopping this weekend because I predict a shitshow, and for the long term we are moving up plans we already had to move overseas. Instead of maybe five or eight years from now, it's become something that I need to start figuring out the details now, though it will take a while to make happen. I have all the privilege bingo markers (white, male, etc), but this is a version of America that I don't feel welcome in.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:09 PM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


I keep coming back to the women voting for him. How do you do that? 46%. Really?

I sincerely hope it's not misogynist to not understand. If somebody said that they'd like to grab me by the nuts, well boy howdy I'd rethink voting for that person. I mean, I wasn't going to vote for him in the first place, but forty six percent.

Women voting has been an issue of mine for decades. But this goes so far beyond that. This is about kids, daughters, Americans, everyone. I'd try and move to Canada, but I got a DUI back in '97 and apparently I'm Hitler, and they want no part of me.

I just can't get past that forty six percent. I wish Prince was still alive. He'd sing some sexytime forty six percent number so I didn't feel so bad.
posted by Sphinx at 8:13 PM on November 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


I sincerely hope it's not misogynist to not understand.

It's not misogynist to not understand. It's completely baffling, and disheartening, and depressing.
posted by mudpuppie at 8:19 PM on November 10, 2016 [11 favorites]


It was only a couple months ago that I was being asked some very basic questions. Name? Birthdate? Where do you think you are?

This feels like that except I'm the one asking the questions.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:25 PM on November 10, 2016


It's not misogynist to not understand. It's completely baffling, and disheartening, and depressing.

How? You're baffled and disheartened and people and women I hoped and relied on failed so fucking deeply that I'm having a hard time typing it? 46%? The kid gloves are off. Although I have no idea what that means anymore.
posted by Sphinx at 8:26 PM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


I think you misunderstood me? I was saying that not understanding why a baffling percentage of (mostly white) women voted for the devil is not, in and of itself, misogynistic. Not understanding that is completely understandable. As a white woman, I have no explanation. I don't get it.
posted by mudpuppie at 8:32 PM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Women live in the patriarchy just like men do. I don't know that blaming women is really the most productive move right now.
posted by lazuli at 8:32 PM on November 10, 2016 [9 favorites]


Yesterday I was hungover unto death - Wednesday is my day off - and completely numbed out with misery. This is like a death, no, it is a death, the death of my country. And I'm terrified and heartbroken and just - despairing. Filled with absolute despair. I went to work today and it was horrible, a day long endless panic attack. I work in a bookstore. Every customer who came in, every lady exchanging her Christian bonnet rippers for others, every man getting thrillers - I looked at them and thought, did you do this? You broke the world, it's fucking over and it's your fault. And then I had to smile at them and the cognitive dissonance broke my brain. I had a splitting headache by 4. I have to go back tomorrow and I don't think I can bear it.

Then I had to go by the county jail to put money in the commissary account of a family member I love, who is in jail. Again. For missing court dates, for addiction and no impulse control, for being a fuckup. I thought that after this election NC would at last expand Medicaid and he could get Obamacare, get help, get, finally, a mental health diagnosis and meds and therapy and start the long journey out of addiction and mental illness. I hoped there was light at the end of the tunnel and maybe my family could have health care. That was stupid.

He called last night and asked who won the election. They hadn't told them. The jail's at capacity now, he said. I'm sure it will be fuller soon.

I don't think this is just another election. I doubt there will be any more elections. I think if this just ends with civil war we will be fucking lucky. The US is over. Hello fascism. I ordered a few copies of It Can't Happen Here (Sinclair Lewis) for the bookstore this morning. I think they may be helpful. Insert graveyard laugh here.

In lieu of Canada, which I do not think will take me, I am thinking of moving to Vermont. I don't want to be surrounded by this sea of red anymore. I just want out. I'm old and poor and filled with sorrow, fear and endless loathing. And carbs because fuck it.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:33 PM on November 10, 2016 [14 favorites]


I think you misunderstood me? I was saying that not understanding why a baffling percentage of (mostly white) women voted for the devil is not, in and of itself, misogynistic. Not understanding that is completely understandable. As a white woman, I have no explanation. I don't get it.

Now that you've explained it, I totally misunderstood you. I'm feeling kind of lost, and apologize for lashing out.
posted by Sphinx at 8:35 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


No worries, Sphinx. We're all having a hard time, and I think we're all primed and ready to assume the worst in others. Don't know how we could feel any other way, to be honest.

An internet hug to you and yours.
posted by mudpuppie at 8:36 PM on November 10, 2016 [5 favorites]


Thank you everybody for being there for each other. I love this community.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 8:39 PM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


Again, seriously, is this my problem? If it is, I'll try to shut up. 46%? I'm glad I don't have to live that down, but here we are. Some Mavis seems appropriate now, she's in an above thread.
posted by Sphinx at 8:40 PM on November 10, 2016


I just came back from teaching my returnee students, many of whom have lived at least part of their lives in the States, and several of whom hope to go to university there, too. They're roughly equivalent to high school juniors, and we're working on persuasive essays and logical flaws. We wrote our first (practice) essay before the midterm, simple topics like school uniforms, or if school clubs/sports teams should be mandatory. Today was the day we boarded all of the topics they brain stormed over the last week or so in private, and I'm pretty impressed with some of them, and also worried about how well I'm going to be able to keep my opinions from clouding theirs.

Anyway, after I've gotten topics like American army bases in Japan, euthanasia, guns, drugs, and all kinds of fun stuff, one of my students, the most recent to return (after a yearlong homestay in Charlotte) just flat out asked me why Trump won. It was like the ice broke, and students started talking, and one of the first to speak, one of the brightest, said "It's because of the stupid people."

I took a deep breath, and I thought about all of the things I've been thinking, and about all of the things that I've been reading from you guys, the greatest cheat sheet ever invented, and I took a breath and explained as much as I could about white privilege, about how, to the privileged, equality feels like an attack, that white American males have lived their whole lives being fawned over and worshiped, but now, they've lost their jobs, they've lost their money, they've lost their place at the front of the line, and they want to blame everyone else for it. That calling them stupid only makes them defensive, and that a full year of the left talking about how dumb they were made their resolve stronger. I told them that Trump won because people without college degrees voted for him, that we equate poorly educated with stupid, and that doesn't help any kind of discussion. That the danger going forward is that the Republican party just took the presidency, the house, and the senate because of an underfunded, insufficient education system, and that it remains in their best interest to maintain the status quo, that any concept of improving education is not only not on their list of things to do, it's on their list of things to prevent.

I told them about the divide between the cities, where people voted for Clinton, where they see people who are different all day, every day, vs. the country, where people can live in bubbles, never seeing anyone different, never having to deal with difference, never need to learn how to live together and get along with the 'other.'

I told them that Trump won because of misogyny (that was a fun word to teach them) because the most qualified and most suitable woman lost to the least qualified and most unsuitable man, because men, and a disturbing number of women don't believe a woman can do the job. I told them that I'm sorry for the crap that they (most of them young girls) have to deal with, and will have to deal with, and then I turned to the two boys and said to them (included myself) that our part is to do our best to reduce the amount of crap the women have to deal with.

And I apologized to them, because teachers are supposed to be the ones consoling crying students, not the other way around.
posted by Ghidorah at 8:53 PM on November 10, 2016 [42 favorites]


Cabbagepatching the name serves a practical purpose too; it won't attract trolls who are stalking the #trump tag or doing searches.

Dissonant Thump.
Duckfart Trombone.
Diddling Tarp.
Diddly Tits.
Danger Torch.
Don’t Touch.
Damaged Teabag.
Dangly Trumpet.
posted by Rainbo Vagrant at 8:55 PM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


This is all turning into possibly the weirdest experience of my life, as I finally disconnected from my mother and this has led to several email conversations tonight with family members I've never been particularly close to about our respective fears about the state of the world... and about the problems our family's always had with actually being open and honest about our feelings. It's starting to strike me as darkly funny how it seems like this happening has finally let me properly connect with other people who're upset about the outcome, even while it's made the opposition completely incomprehensible.
posted by Sequence at 8:58 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Patriarchy? You can't say that when forty six percent of the people who don't share my gender vote for it. I'd invest in weapons, but a guy I know has a shitload, and he knows I'm a clout shot. Fuck your Patriarchy. This isn't about men, it never was.
posted by Sphinx at 8:59 PM on November 10, 2016


Sphnix, I think you need to go do some Feminism 101-201 reading before continuing to blame women for Trump here.
posted by lazuli at 9:05 PM on November 10, 2016 [25 favorites]


Yeah, if you don't know what women in this thread are talking about when they talk about patriarchy, the internet is full of resources about what that means and why it influences the behavior (and votes) of men AND women, the same way white supremacy influences the behavior of both whites and POC.
posted by Sequence at 9:07 PM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


I really truly thought I'd be watching the first woman president of the US get elected. We watched the election with a couple of American ex-pats and I just felt so awful for them. It all seems kind of unreal and it doesn't help that Leonard Cohen just died.

I'm very sorry, US MeFites. The rest of us are all hoping you survive the next 4 years intact and come back stronger and Trump free in 2020.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:13 PM on November 10, 2016 [3 favorites]


"I sincerely hope it's not misogynist to not understand. If somebody said that they'd like to grab me by the nuts, well boy howdy I'd rethink voting for that person"

How fortunate for you that hasn't happened, and hasn't happened so often and so regularly that you are completely indifferent to it either as empty rhetoric or as real threat. Women who didn't take it seriously behave like that because they are either, like you, completely insulated from sexism, or, like the rest of us, so soaked in it they don't see the big deal because it happens every fucking day.

Women did better than men on this. White women did better than white men. We all failed. fucking deal with it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:16 PM on November 10, 2016 [17 favorites]


My best friend texted me her reaction to the election at 1 am, and even in my despair I managed to chuckle at the sheer rage in it. this is an exact quote:
WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF FUCKING MCFUCKITY FUCKING FUCKING FUCK GOD DAMNIT FUCKING FUCK
I really can't improve on that.

...This is now the fourth time I've told this story, but it soothes things a little each time - I work for the International Rescue Committee, as a basic office monkey, and it was grim there yesterday, y'all. About three memos went out to the managers about how HR was available if anyone needed to vent, and the CEO had a big group huddle that afternoon to speak to the issue. By the time that huddle happened I'd already stepped into my boss's office twice - the first time for a job freakout (we're gonna have our funding gutted and I was thinking "HOLY SHIT WILL I HAVE A JOB" - which I will, my boss pointed out, because I'm in HR and no matter what happens people will still need to be hired and fired and given raises and they need a full-sized department to process all that stuff), and the second time because I'd gotten an email from my other best friend in Ireland, and the first sentence said "this is the first time I've wanted to cry about an election."

I've never seen that many people at a staff meeting before. And everyone was in the same boat - downcast, giving each other "yeah, this sucks, right?" looks. I saw two people holding each other while they waited for the meeting to start.

And our CEO lead things off with a great observation. First he acknowledged that we all probably felt upset and sad and angry right now, and "for those of you who are Americans" (we're an international organization, and several staff there - the CEO included - are not US Citizens) "....those of you who are Americans, you're probably also feeling let down by your country." Then he pointed out that if you did feel that way, to honor that - because it is a sign that you have high ideals for your country, and that you care very deeply about them. You wouldn't be hurt if you didn't have that capacity to care so much. And the good thing is, you can still live by those ideals.

He said a few more things about the election, the organization's response, and so on. A couple of other department heads spoke about policy as well. And then...he opened the floor to question or comment.

And here's the thing - about an hour before that staff meeting I'd gotten the first of a couple Memails from people here, asking me "didn't you once say you work somewhere that helps refugees? I think I really ought to start helping now - what's the web site, and what can I do?"

And so that's how I ended up raising my hand and asking for the mike, and then, with a former member of the British parliament looking on, I said, "So, there's this online group I belong to called Metafilter..." and I told them all about how I'd been contacted by Mefites wanting to help already. and I was taking it as a sign that people are still out there who care and on our side and want to help. I saw a few faces relax and I heard a muffled cheer from the group who'd come down from fundraising, and our CEO smiled and said "you know, I think that's the perfect note to end on," and let us all go.

And that's what brought me around to what I wrote today about where my head is at now. Which is - the government is not going to be able to help us now, so we need to help each other on our own. In both big ways and small, and in the big groups and the small. In fact, the small ways are probably the best. And build the foundation around yourself and your circle first. And hang on to your loved ones and buck them up and let them do the same for you.

And don't forget the simple ways to do that, like sending cat videos or birthday cards. Greeting cards aren't just the stuff of emotional labor threads - they are how you knit things together. You build a community by first reinforcing that you're together, and you do that in small ways (hell, here on MeFi it's done through injokes about butts, banjos and crouton-petting.) Knit everyone in your family together, make them feel grounded, and then each one of you has the strength to spread that outward, knit more people and connections together. And from your family you can then spread to a street, and from the street outward to other streets, and a school, and then the north side of town, and then a town entire, and then...

And from there you get a society, and then maybe a political party, and then a country back.

But it has to start here with us taking care of each other now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:19 PM on November 10, 2016 [65 favorites]


I haven't cried yet, but I have watched the on talking point trolls go after my brilliant daughters on social media. It is not going to be nice, and the other side in this loves gloating and delivering the beat down to grief about the election results. Best to everyone.
posted by Oyéah at 9:23 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


EmpresCaillpygos, I'd favorite that 1000 times if I could. And then 1000 times again.
posted by lazuli at 9:24 PM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


[Sphinx, this is not the place to explore feminism 101. Please drop it.]
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 9:27 PM on November 10, 2016 [6 favorites]


tacos, tequila and a ten-inch.

You are of course referring to a 78-RPM record, n'est-ce pas?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:27 PM on November 10, 2016


I decided to read the Metafilter thread on election night and occasionally check the online electoral maps… BUT NO TV. At one point I commented to relay my appreciation for all the wonderful comments full of hope and personal stories about the vote. Then things turned bad and when it was obvious, I had to go lie down. The missus and I weren’t able to sleep that night. I heard her crying in the morning. We were numb on Wed. I’m feeling better today due to threads like this along with friends sharing shock and support.

I read those who say we should replace the hate and anger with love. That’s probably wise but difficult for me since there’s a lot I’m angry about our country right now. And maybe that’s a good motivating force. I don’t want to build a wall, round up Mexicans, send more troops to the Middle East, reverse Gay, Women and Minority rights, end affordable health care, end environmental protections and ignore global warming. So I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure our new leadership fails miserably. Because it has really pissed me off.
posted by jabo at 10:10 PM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Maybe super specific but - what is everyone doing for sleep?
posted by corb at 10:42 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


So far I'm way off of the wagon, wondering why people can't be held responsible for their actions, and drinking cheap scotch. Scorsby, chasing it with Diet Coke.
posted by Sphinx at 10:50 PM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


Excercise to exhaustion.
posted by From Bklyn at 10:52 PM on November 10, 2016 [2 favorites]


Sleep: Melatonin works for me.

I'm mostly being silent the last two days, I think I'm still processing. People tell me how upset they are, or they tell me it sucks but make light of it with jokes, or they gloat about how great it is. I don't really respond to any of it outwardly. I say I don't want to talk about it. I did tell my colleague to take off his damn MAGA hat if he wanted to come to lunch with us.

I'm processing that members of my extended family voted for someone who threatens the safety and health of my immediate family. I'm processing my urgent need to be outspoken and active in my opposition with the fact that persecution of political opponents has been promised, and the huge surveillance apparatus built up since 9/11 will fall into his hands. I'm processing that we're already way behind on dealing with global warming, it may have been too late already, and another 4 or 8 years of inaction will certainly make us too late. Ugh.
posted by Joe Chip at 11:02 PM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


Maybe super specific but - what is everyone doing for sleep?

Valerian Root, ibuprophen for stiffness, and melatonin. I haven't broken out the bottle of downers my psychiatrist prescribed me to counter my ADD meds if needed, and so far my depression seems to be of the "sleep a lot and barely eat" variety, so that's a change.

I've also found podcasts really helpful. My favorites so far have been We All Make Mistakes, Metis in Space, and I Don't Even Own a Television. All of them assume social justice stuff is true without that being the purpose of the podcast, which is the needle I'm threading right now.

For comfort, I've been really glad for some of my favorite podcasts. Call Your Girlfriend. Codeswitch. Politically Re-Active. I just saw The Read dropped one and I'll probably listen now. I've found out about a local protest and already told everyone at work and a woman I met randomly on the street about it. We're making signs.

I'm throwing my eggs in the #BlackLivesMatter basket overall; a movement led by young, queer-identifying black women is where I feel my energy needs to go. I'm dedicating myself to follow women of color overall. Too often in these moments charismatic white men take over and make their names on the backs of women; not this fucking time. White people fucked this up and we need to collect our people while more qualified women set the agenda.
posted by Deoridhe at 11:03 PM on November 10, 2016 [13 favorites]



I'm not sleeping right now. I'm sitting here sobbing. I thought I was through the worst of it until read an article about Canada and what Trump means. "We are increasingly alone' now. Punched me right in the gut and I can't stop.
posted by Jalliah at 11:04 PM on November 10, 2016 [9 favorites]


Jedi hugs and comfort, Jalliah.
posted by Deoridhe at 11:06 PM on November 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


We love you, Jallilah. There's no we're all alone now when you're a Mefi. Internet hugs. (((((((((Jallilah)))))))))
posted by bearwife at 11:10 PM on November 10, 2016 [4 favorites]


We are here and care about you, and I don't want this to sound like crazy talk even though it might because I am dead fucking serious, if this gets worse and we see the future some of us fear, if I still have a home I will hide you. If I have food I will feed you. If you are wanting to learn defense or evasion I will train you. I have been talking to older German friends about what their parents told them and I just want to make this shit clear /now/. I don't care if we fight every day on the blue or the last time we talked in a thread is years ago. I know where the hiking trails to Canada are and I swear to fuck we will get you out. Nobody here is alone.
posted by corb at 11:22 PM on November 10, 2016 [63 favorites]



Thanks. Hugs back.
I would be lying on the floor in a puddle if it wasn't for Mefi.

I think it's just truly dawning on me how in order for Canada to do what Canada does we're going to have to fight for in way that is new to our own history and new to our shared history. Our closest relative just became a fascist and we don't have a choice but to spend time together at family dinners. And our other close relative took a hard turn to the right this year as well.

And of course I'm talking in a broad geo-political sense and not about all the people. Some of the people obviously. I read two of our major newspapers today and each of them had articles about how we have to work to make sure that this doesn't happen here. That the whispers don't grab hold.

It's just fucking tragic.
posted by Jalliah at 11:24 PM on November 10, 2016 [8 favorites]


Having been living in these threads for weeks has made me feel so much closer to you dear MeFites. I went ahead and went to work the morning after, but having alla y'all here sharing our grief and supporting one another helped to make it through the worst.

I had gone over to my friend Nancy's to watch the returns and she kindly washed and dried a load of laundry for me while we watched since my dryer is broken. On the awful next morning I put on one of the washed shirts and it smelled like Nancy since we used her detergent. All day long I keep getting whiffs of the scent and it felt like she was right there with me.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:47 PM on November 10, 2016 [7 favorites]


I'm pretty firmly in the anger stage of grief right now. MeFites and a couple secret venting groups on Facebook are keeping me semi-sane. Hugging the pets helps, too.
posted by SisterHavana at 12:01 AM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Barely coping, but feeling a transition from despair to fight. I will do everything in my power to protest and remediate the wrong things this administration will try to do to us.
posted by SakuraK at 12:22 AM on November 11, 2016


I had to fly cross country on a business trip the morning after the election. I'd gotten drunk the night before and had fallen asleep before the official results rolled in. Woke up at 5am, checked my phone, and had the worst "yesterday really happened" moment since my friend died in an accident two years ago. I cried in public during Hillary's concession speech. I've been able to sleep, but mostly because I was exhausted and hungover and jetlagged. In my fugue, I left my phone on a BART train, and an amazing station manager did some magical detective work and a little sweet talking to find it for me. She knew exactly what to do and did it all flawlessly and gracefully. I also know I got incredibly lucky--my phone could have been stolen or lost to the cleaners. I mentioned that I had just assumed it was lost forever, and she said, "You'd be surprised. I see people bring in all kinds of stuff--one wallet even had $1200 in it, untouched. There is still good in people." I needed to hear that, needed kindness, needed see what goodness looks like, needed to see someone else's clear faith in others. Coming from a worker who most likely sees the worst parts of people's personalities every day--she got called a bitch by someone she wouldn't bend the rules for while hunting for my phone--was really moving. My "we need to understand every side, even the shitty ones" mom rode the train with me to my hotel because I was scared and kind of a mess. My mom voted for Hillary, which surprised me. She's been socially conservative for ages, she didn't like Hillary, but could not stomach Trump. My conservative, Republican, immigrant dad, who is fiscally conservative and blindly loyal to his party of choice, told me he had been deeply conflicted about Trump and that he wanted to learn from me and my equally liberal brother; that he would vote with us in the future. The people around us who were good two days ago are still good now. I'm thankful for the community that exists around me, despite our differences. There's hope.

After the first phase of anger, numbness, grief and fear finished rolling through, after reading the various kinds of finger pointing flying around on the internet (my Facebook feed spans most of the political spectrum, so yeah, I saw everything including gloating), I really started thinking about what I personally had not done in the past two years. Ultimately, I stuck my head in the sand. I voted for Hillary, but I've always hated political debate because of how frustrating it is -- deeply complex topics being argued mostly based on gut feeling. I was struggling personally and professionally and I wanted to stay in my safe little bubble of not having to care. I wanted the benefits without the nastiness. Now there's just nastiness, and I am angry with myself for not doing more when there was time. I, educated, financially stable, female, queer, and PoC didn't do my part to speak up earlier, didn't listen, didn't research the issues, didn't do more to reach out to people in my life who could have been swayed, didn't do anything to find real solutions and build up the community around me. I just stuck my head in the sand and hoped it would go away, hoped it would be enough for me to vote for the more liberal candidate. Admitting this to myself was the turning point where I started to wake up and feel alive again. This is where I started to feel like I wasn't helpless, that I would not have to stand there, paralyzed, as my personhood and the personhood of the people I love gets removed, bit by bit. I can speak up, I can help people being harassed, I can fight back, I can protest, I can take self defense classes, I can teach people how to protect their privacy online, I can donate money and time, I can listen, I can work on uniting people. I can still trust people and have productive conversations with them. I don't have to go down and lose who I am to the forces of hate without a fight. I don't have to be frozen and scared like the last time I was confronted by bullies. This is where I started to remember that the cure for my own internalized misogyny and internalized homophobia -- the birth of real confidence in and acceptance of myself--had come from the work of other people being brave, being openly vulnerable, by being who they were, in far darker times than this. In times when even being what and who they were could not be spoken of openly. In times where they weren't really considered people. This is where I remembered I owed everyone who came before me and everyone who comes after me that I can be stronger and better than I have been.

Thank you for being here, Metafilter. Mods, thank you for keeping this space safe. Hugs, love, and more of the good stuff if you need it everyone.
posted by rhythm and booze at 1:15 AM on November 11, 2016 [22 favorites]


I'm in Australia and I am terrified as hell of what's going to happen to my girlfriend and my best friends and my family.

My girlfriend is in Chicago, which she tells me is pretty good for someone like her (queer, trans, Latinx though white-passing). She wants to stay and fight. I keep telling her to come to me, I've offered to pay for part of her passport (which I'm telling everyone to get because it can be a lifesaver in multiple ways), and she's considering the offer for when things get bad enough that she has to evacuate. Except I don't know if she'll be able to do so when the time comes. We've only really been dating for less than two months, though we've known each other as friends for about two years now, and already I'm thinking ahead: living together on a Working Holiday, or sorting out a defacto partner visa, something to catch her and protect her if and when she comes here.

Two of my best friends, a queer couple, are getting a marriage license so that they can protect each other. They're in SF, which you think would be a good place to be, but there's already hate crimes and Nazi flags. They were going to wait till one of them gets a job but now have to expedite the whole thing. One half of the couple is trans and chronically ill and she's freaked out about whether she can get her medication. They're flitting between taking care of themselves and wanting to volunteer.

Another best friend is Latina in Arizona. The guy that started the Papers Please law is now going to be part of Trump's team. She too has a trans partner. She is a schoolteacher type and already she's reporting bullying in schools and urgghhhh we're both just crying at each other.

I want all of them to come to Australia and live here. A statement I never thought I'd say, given that for quite some time I've wanted to be back in the US and be there permanently. I never thought I'd be all that interested in buying a house or apartment, even though my dad's really pushing me to do so, and now I'm amping up so that I have a place for them to land. I'm afraid of driving, but am now looking into getting a driver's license just so I have some ID that's not Malaysian. I have to wait till next year to apply for Australian citizenship but it's now a major priority.

I just want them to be safe. Happy. Alive. Thriving. My motherly instinct is in overdrive. I want to feed them and hold them and take care of them. I can't deal with them being so far away. I just can't. I don't know what to do.

There's a part of me too that's determined to go pay them a visit, even with my Malaysian passport and Muslim name and brown self. I've already thought of my protection plan if that ever happens. My entire life has revolved around visas and passports and Governments trying to make hell for someone like me especially with immigration, and I'm fed up of yet one more person telling me where I can go. It's foolhardy. I might actually die. But I want to give it a shot. I want to see my closest sweethearts one more time.

but god i just want them to be okay.
posted by divabat at 1:23 AM on November 11, 2016 [25 favorites]


This that have improved my mental state:
Unplugging except for metafilter.
Listening to angry music.
Wearing all black except for a pair of Doc Martens with images from Hogarth's painting A Progress of A Rake.
Announcing to my class that 1) I would not, for an indefinite period, entertain conversations regarding reasons behind HRC's loss (I belted this out after one white guy said, "Well, actually, if Bernie Sanders had been the candidate..." and 2) I would not be entertaining papers about a) reproductive rights or immigration, because I was not in the frame of mind to judge such papers objectively.
Announcing to my class that I was in deep grief.
Announcing to my class that if they protested and were jailed because of it, be aware that if you have medical needs you may have trouble getting help, I know from experience (nervous laughter followed)
Following up with one student's comment about states legalizing weed by saying, "We're gonna need it"

And most importantly:
Tracking down the city council democratic guy who made sure I could make it into the polling place in my wheelchair. I'm going to volunteer my ass off.

I realize that the above carries with it a fuck-ton of white priv.
posted by angrycat at 2:25 AM on November 11, 2016 [9 favorites]


(all right I lied I'm still skimming the NYT and Slate but no radio, no tv. I was exposed by Samantha Bee to the horror that is Corey Landowski or whoever the fuck and I weep for my lost innocence)
posted by angrycat at 2:32 AM on November 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


I've been so sorry and so scared for everyone here. In my little unconventional household in rural Australia we're all feeling for you, weeping for you, and worried what the future will bring for you, and for the rest of the world.

Some of you (poor souls!) already know how passionate I am about Latvia. Somehow I forgot to wonder what would happen to the Baltic countries, with all this Trumpian trumpeting about NATO countries having to pay their way, or defend themselves, so I had a cursory look to see what Latvians are saying. I didn't find anything (yet), but I did find some stuff about their commemorative euro coin (all the member states get to issue two special ones a year) - which features the Latvian Brown Cow, a nice, smallish dairy breed. And I thought, this tiny, precious, peaceful country, that puts cows and cookies and rings on its commemorative coins, and I just cried and cried, trying to imagine the old people who lived through Soviet occupation, watching their farms fall down around their ears, being forcibly relocated, their churches turned into discos, the priests shot, hearing the news that the Trump thinks if they can't defend themselves, well then they just will *shrug* whatever. Wouldn't want to start a war over a suburb of St Petersberg, right?
posted by glitter at 3:13 AM on November 11, 2016 [9 favorites]


In response to one of Jalliah's comments above, this election result has cemented my decision to step up my Canadian citizenship app once we get home so I can do my part to make sure this doesn't happen there.
posted by Kitteh at 5:02 AM on November 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


I always feel weird when I post things about this, but here goes:

I will be busking somewhere on the MBTA Orange Line on Sunday, doing a set of songs by The Clash and other 80s punks. All the tips I make will go towards MIRA Coalition, an immigrant rights organization. (I make $10 a shift, so it won't be much, but it's something.)
posted by pxe2000 at 5:04 AM on November 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


I have been on an internet fast since election night, including metafilter (can't deal with any of it right now). I've been bookmarking posts for reading when I'm ready to come back. I'm glad that yall are here and I will be too when I pull myslef together.
posted by Elly Vortex at 5:04 AM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm still upset.

I work in Finance. and the more I tell people I am upset, the more people are starting to say that Yes, they too are upset, and what can we do to help. In elevators, getting a cup of coffee, making it known that I, a woman, am upset about things and that I will not quietly accept this. That I will fight.

It helps that my family is on the liberal side, and that my mother (who is the most conservative) called me yesterday saying that my dad (who just retired as a doctor at 70+) is now looking up free clinics he can volunteer at, and that I hope that I don't mind, but they just donated all the money they had set aside for Christmas gifts to Planned Parenthood.

I matched their donation. I marched in the protests in a suit (with a few colleagues) after I exited from my midtown glass tower.

I'm slowly building a coalition of like minded folks in my crazy finance corner of the world. Change comes from within as well, and although we can't openly make political donations (conflict of interest) we can influence social things. So we will. and we will fight to make things better. To make a safe space for minorities, to hire the women who need a step up, to fight for them to get fair wages and to ensure that young men who walk in know in no uncertain terms that any misogynistic views are not tolerated. I've been doing this a long time, but now I'll OPENLY do this.

I am still upset, but it's a start.
posted by larthegreat at 5:20 AM on November 11, 2016 [23 favorites]


Yesterday I texted my mom to blow off some steam and let her know that one of our family members had used racial slurs in my presence--that he had used the N word and verbed the K word. She told me she'd text me later.

It's been 19 hours.

I don't know which would be worse: not hearing from her or hearing from her.

(This is in Massachusetts, BTW. Nice fucking blue state we have here.)
posted by pxe2000 at 5:39 AM on November 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


I've written this in the Leonard Cohen thread, but I need this year to be over now. I can't take any more 2016.

A lot of people have written about their kids and feeling guilty about them. I don't think I could have got through this year without my son because everything else seems to be going to shit.

My Internet life has shrunk to Mefi and the occasional peak at Twitter, and like many others I'm doing a lot of cleaning.
posted by threetwentytwo at 5:48 AM on November 11, 2016


I've been voting for more than 40 years. Sometimes my preferred candidates win, sometimes they lose. Never before has the winning candidate- against whom I voted- shown and provoked such virulent hatred of huge segments of our American population.

Some milder Trump supporters wonder why we're so upset and tell us to get over it; I urge them to study history more carefully. This president-elect's combination of ignorance, crudeness, arrogance, sexism, racism, classism, materialism, xenophobia, religious intolerance,and bellicosity is unprecedented among the ranks of previous presidents-elect. Is he homophobic too? I couldn't think of examples, but have no doubt that he is.

Here at the college reference desk where I work we've had distraught students. I would have liked to call in sick as some of my coworkers did but feel a responsibility to support the students.

Today I have to go to the college's annual sexual harassment prevention class. I'm tempted to stand up and ask if these will be abolished in the future or perhaps replaced with workshops promoting sexual harassment a la Trump.
posted by mareli at 6:22 AM on November 11, 2016 [13 favorites]


Like so many others, this past year has been terrible for me in a lot of ways. One of my best friends was sent to prison. Another best friend raped me. Two other friends betrayed me because I wouldn't tolerate their tolerance of racist bullshit. And now Donald, on top of everything else. I've sickly laughed a few times this week because it's all so absurd.

I've sought comfort in one of my good friends. We met online probably about 15 years ago and we've only met in person twice, once when my boyfriend and I stayed with her for Obama's inauguration (heartbreaking to think of that wonderful day now) and once when I went to her wedding. She's married to a woman, they have one child and one on the way, and she's terrified that her marriage will be ended for her. We've been trying to laugh and comfort each other, but that lingering dread is hanging over our words.

Plus, a police officer shot and killed a black man this year in my city and the trial is almost over. I'm bracing myself for a not guilty verdict.

I'm so lucky to have a supportive boyfriend, parents, brother and friends. I will be leaning on them heavy for a while, and I hope they lean on me. At this point, I don't know what to do moving forward, but I will keep my head up.
posted by girlmightlive at 6:26 AM on November 11, 2016 [11 favorites]


Even a few days later, I feel the way I did in my teens, living with an emotionally abusive, alcoholic stepfather. The way I did in my mid-20s, living with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Helpless. Immobile. Numb-not-numb. I feel hollow in that old, familiar way, feel the tears welling up in quiet moments when left alone with my thoughts and in loud moments when I don't even actively realize I'm having them.

All of this is compounded, I know, by the fact that I don't really have a social circle locally. I work from home and have social anxiety, so getting "out there" hasn't really happened despite the fact that I've lived here for a few years now. I feel so alone in this. (I have no one to blame but myself for that, but it's just so difficult to get past the anxiety.) It's readily apparent from the community here, as well as my friends' posts on social media, that I'm not alone—and I have my husband, who is just wonderful and apart from that first day (when he felt so physically ill by the result that he barely left bed) has been completely present for me—but feelings don't always match reality, of course.

I had a nice interaction yesterday with the mother of the Muslim family that lives in the apartment below us. Just a few moments, really, as I helped her get back into her home (she'd forgotten her keys), but I was so glad to have that moment. People don't really socialize with their neighbors in my little alcove, and I was too stupid at the time to even think to formally introduce myself and to ask her name, but I tried in those few minutes to convey genuine warmth and openness, to communicate in some non-verbal way that she and her family are not alone, that they are most welcome here. I can't imagine what she, her husband, and her two children must be feeling right now, even in a decidedly Blue state. It breaks my heart.

But even with my non-insignificant fears for my immigrant neighbors, for my many LGBT friends, for my fellow women, and for all of the other varied minority groups that The Real Estate Developer has repeatedly attacked, I remain utterly mired in my own struggle—how on earth I am going to look my mother, and stepfather, and stepsiblings in the eye, how I am going to talk to them again without crying, knowing how they voted and how gleeful they have been about the result. This is surely one of the least significant problems anyone could be having in the wake of this mess, and yet I am fully consumed by it.

And I think back to my mother's last visit here, how we were walking the streets of one of the most liberal cities in one of the most liberal states in the country, and we passed a young, homeless, pregnant woman who happened to have dark skin, and how my mother said to my stepfather that she should get a job, certainly loudly enough for the woman to hear—and how I pretended not to heave heard, because we were literally less than 10 minutes into the visit and they'd come all the way from Florida and I was too shocked to even know where to begin—how I failed that young woman in that moment. I never knew my mother to be hateful in my youth, but she married a man who was happy to throw around terms like sand-n***** (and a variety of racist Italian slang terms that I only learned the meaning of years after the fact) at the dinner table, so either his influence has had its effect or I am simply able to see her more clearly now than I was before. Remembering this, I have to imagine that their vote comes not just from a place of "this government doesn't care about me" or "I'm worried about my economic future" or "healthcare is so expensive." It has to, at least in part, come from a place of fear—even hated—of the other, of those people. But this is my mother... my mother, who has never been anything but completely loving and supportive of me my entire life. I have no idea how to even begin to reconcile this. I have already alienated my father (for completely separate and not undeserved reasons, although they seem so insignificant by comparison) and the rest of that side of my family, people who as far as I can ascertain from a distance find Trump to be utterly awful; now I feel like I have lost my mother as well. I keep hoping she just won't call.

It feels awful, grotesquely selfish, to be so fixated on this minor, personal struggle. There are so many bigger, more important battles that need to be fought. I hope that I'll find the strength to fight them in the coming days, as I work through my grief and the mind-fog inevitably begins to lift. In the meantime, I'm grateful to all of you for sharing your own thoughts here, and giving me the space to share mine. This all still feels much to big for me to cope with, but it helps to be able to see your thoughts in this space.
posted by cellar door at 6:52 AM on November 11, 2016 [11 favorites]


But this is my mother... my mother, who has never been anything but completely loving and supportive of me my entire life. I have no idea how to even begin to reconcile this.

Othering is hard not because only evil people do it but because good people do too, because it's tempting and easy when you don't know people who are not like you. If your mother is loving, hold onto that and maybe eventually you can get her there.

I say this partially for you and partially because I am deep down scared of civil war though, so take that with a grain of salt.
posted by corb at 7:14 AM on November 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm working on a one man show where I speak to Trump voters and try to understand their POV.

But at this point, it's mostly just me screaming "WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" over and over. And then after I lose my voice, I just go into the audience and choke people.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:17 AM on November 11, 2016 [8 favorites]


For what it's worth, cellar door, I am also mainly focused on how to deal with family members. Some of this is because it seems like a smaller, more manageable problem to attack than dealing with the whole election, country, political system, and future at once; some of it is because I know my parents are going to call me soon (birthday coming up relatively soon, and they always call), so it's also a more immediate problem: I have to know what I'm going to do before it happens, and there's limited time to figure it out.

Never before has my blood run cold at the thought that my parents were going to call to wish me happy birthday. And what a ridiculous and overdramatic sentence that seems like, as I write it! Such a small thing, in comparison to the pain other people are going through! But it absolutely consumes me.
posted by Spathe Cadet at 7:28 AM on November 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Apparently I still can't eat substantial quantities of real food. It's Veterans Day, so free meals for vets at some places. I just ate breakfast, which is the first real meal I've eaten in three days, and now I feel like throwing up.

I hate to sound hyperbolic, but are there any books about how ordinary people reacted to Hitler? Like how it disrupted their lives in ways like this? I want to fight and know I need to fight but I'm also hungry and tired and agitated enough to be completely ineffective.
posted by corb at 7:41 AM on November 11, 2016 [19 favorites]


Yeah, can't eat, can't sleep. Raging illness flare since Tuesday night. I've been reading about trauma, and these are the ingredients: fear, and powerlessness.

I have a plan, maybe. I know I can't help anyone if I'm sick.

But nothing is ok.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:47 AM on November 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm really lucky in that the way my body reacts to extreme stress is to completely shut down. I am having no problems falling asleep and sleeping way longer than I intended to do.

I had my first real meal last night, with friends. I don't know that I would have eaten a decent amount if I hadn't been surrounded by like-minded people all venting and crying and laughing together. We're very irreverent and sarcastic, so that helps, too. We also started making concrete plans about next steps. That helps.

Plus it really does help to have my kid at home who needs me to do stuff. We have to go renew her driving temps so that means I have to shower and get out of the house. Also, I HAVE to put on a brave face for her. She's so scared and only 16 so she feels so, so powerless. I'm telling her all the things I'm doing to make sure her future (and her brother's future) is okay, and I think that's helping her cope.
posted by cooker girl at 7:54 AM on November 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Kamala Harris's Senate victory acceptance speech was a good pick-me-up if you're at a point where you can imagine pivoting to "fight" mode. (If you aren't there, bookmark it for when you do get there.)
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 8:04 AM on November 11, 2016 [13 favorites]


Well I've move pad straight in from denial (and literally fistfuls of kolopin) to anger and I, a soft warm pretzel of a human being who has panic attacks in crowds and is terrified of cops will be at union square for the march to Trump tower on Saturday. I will be carrying water and nut bars for people. I honestly don't know if I could live with myself if I didn't.
posted by The Whelk at 8:10 AM on November 11, 2016 [37 favorites]


I hate to sound hyperbolic, but are there any books about how ordinary people reacted to Hitler? Like how it disrupted their lives in ways like this? I want to fight and know I need to fight but I'm also hungry and tired and agitated enough to be completely ineffective.

Not hyperbolic. At some point last night I thought that I needed to do some research on this and how people have combated fascism in general.
posted by Jalliah at 8:22 AM on November 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


One small thing I did last night that made me feel a little better was write my elected representatives. We still have a system of checks and balances in the US, Trump hasn't decimated that (yet). We all need to let our representatives know that we are here and that we will expect them to defend the Republic and our values against this threat, and that we will hold them accountable if they do not.

This is especially the case, of course, if your representatives are Democrats, but it's even true for Republicans. You may not agree with Republicans, but many of them know just what Trump is and many of them are just as frightened and disgusted as you are (I know some). You can reframe the argument as needed.

I'd encourage everyone who wants to stand against Trump to sit down and write their representatives in the coming days. It's a small gesture, but it's something.
posted by breakin' the law at 8:31 AM on November 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm also going to write to my state legislators and governor. They've put out statements saying they'll continue protecting Californians, but I think state-level safety nets and civil-rights legislation are going to become really important right now, so I want to encourage that.
posted by lazuli at 8:35 AM on November 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


lazuli: that's a good idea. I'll do the same.
posted by breakin' the law at 8:36 AM on November 11, 2016


The Whelk, I'm proud of you. You got this!
posted by cooker girl at 8:37 AM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


And I needed a project today, so I'm going to go buy some cheap stationery and send those letters hand-written. People on one of the Pantsuit Nation groups have also been talking about sending thank-you cards to Clinton, so I'm going to do that today, too, because I bought a pretty card to send a "Thinking of you!" message to a friend, and now that particular card seems inappropriately cheery for that purpose.
posted by lazuli at 8:44 AM on November 11, 2016


Is there an advantage to mailing? I had sent mine electronically but I have considered sending printed versions through regular mail, as well.

(I'd hand-write them, but my handwriting is awful.)
posted by breakin' the law at 8:46 AM on November 11, 2016



Thank you for the support when I lost it last night. It did help that I had somewhere that I could express that I lost it without people pushing back.

Someone made a joke in the other thread which snapped me out of it and I decided to watch the latest episode of Supernatural. It's one of my go to escapist shows. So I settle into my bed all safe in my blankets and pressed play.

And so some may ask what was this episode about? Nazis!

Like what? Woah.. wtf 2016 you are trying to kill me!

And then I laughed about as hard as I just had cried.
posted by Jalliah at 8:47 AM on November 11, 2016 [12 favorites]


I have had a tough year, made tougher by the fact that I have felt compelled to hide some of the more grisly, unseemly, and painful parts of my challenges to protect others. The election results just pushed me over the edge into anger. I'm sick and fucking tired of being well-behaved inspiration porn for people who think they're helping me by adding me to their prayer lists, who don't actually understand what I've been through, and then voting against my needs and those of my queer daughter. And then for these people to try to tag me with "sore loser" - just fuck them.

I lost my shit on facebook a bit Wed night, posting several pictures of examples of violence and aggression against PoC, women, and LBGTQ people with the caption, "Make America Great Again." I spent most of yesterday in bed, which I'm ashamed about (although it helps to see that I'm not alone in having real grief about the outcome).

I'm giving myself a timeout from facebook for a while. I'm going to focus on spending time with supportive people in the real world and finding ways to support and contribute to the things that really matter to me. And getting out of bed on a routine basis.
posted by jeoc at 8:48 AM on November 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


I just lost it on some Trumper. So, my kid is in a school play. I got nominated to be the bake sale mom, because that's what happens if you miss a meeting. I swear to god, this just happened; one of the divorced dads with a daughter in the play, who has custody on the weekends, just called my house. He opened with "I'm sure you're as happy as I am that God has been restored to this country...." He then went on to ask me if I would call his daughters and tell them that I was going to come to his apartment this weekend and teach them how to bake brownies, because you see, he's a man, and he can't possibly understand how the kitchen works.

And I was like, "Well, I'm running the bake sale, I'm responsible for getting the jazz band to places, part of the symphonic band to other places, I need to make 200+ desserts I haven't started yet, and I'm trying to run a crew of contractors fixing my house while I'm trying to work, AND I have to be at the school on Saturday to help build the set....so, I'm a little booked. And he said, I swear to fucking god, he said "Well, praise the lord your husband supports you, so you don't have to work."

Y'all, you would be so proud of me. I didn't even say FUCK YOU. Out loud. I did say "Well, isn't that lovely." Which in Southern Speak is weapon's grade polite. I then told him to buy some fucking boxes of brownie mix and read the instructions, because as much as I'd love to help, babysitting 50 year old men was just not something I could fit into my schedule.

Jesus christ you guys, maybe it's not Trump, but I can't remember ever having some guy I've never met think that I was going to come cook at his house because by virtue of a uterus, it became my job.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 8:48 AM on November 11, 2016 [81 favorites]


Came in to talk about an action I'm taking, and it makes a nice segue after lazuli's note about hand-writing things - I've learned that a couple of the backlash hate attacks that happened on Wednesday happened at an NYU-affiliated campus.

I am an NYU alum, and I am not happy. And most of the people on my Facebook list are not happy either.

So I've thrown up a call to my NYU Facebook homies that I'm writing a letter to the NYU alumni office, during which I will identify myself as an alumnus, and stating that this is NOT what I want to be associated with and asking them exactly what the plan is to investigate and punish those responsible, and further, what the plan is to protect students from further attacks. And - as I told my friends - this is going to be an actual letter that is printed on paper and put in an envelope with a stamp and mailed, because an online petition isn't worth more than a bucket of warm spit.

The alumni office is in Greenwich Village, but I"ve noticed that the incidents happened at their engineering campus in Brooklyn - which just so happens to be right on my commute home from work. So I've now decided to cc: the Dean of Students at the Engineering school on our packet and I will be hand delivering that fucker.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:51 AM on November 11, 2016 [23 favorites]


Is there an advantage to mailing? I had sent mine electronically but I have considered sending printed versions through regular mail, as well.

I'd heard, years ago, that handwritten letters are best, followed by typed letters, followed by emails (something like, a handwritten letter is considered to be worth 10,000 people's opinion, typed letter 5,000, email 2,500 [and I just totally made up those numbers]), but that was when emailing was not usually the norm, so I don't know if it holds true any more. I'm just trying to get more in the habit of sending handwritten letters to friends, so that's just where my head is right now.
posted by lazuli at 9:00 AM on November 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


SecretAgentSockpuppet: Well that's full of a whole lot of wtf. I'd lean towards it 'because of Trump'. If racists have been emboldened to attack and harass in the name of Now America is Great again (and that means going back in time) I don't see why it wouldn't free up men to think that it's now okay to freely voice 'wimmins, they should be in the kitchen' to everyone and anyone.
posted by Jalliah at 9:01 AM on November 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Jesus christ you guys, maybe it's not Trump, but I can't remember ever having some guy I've never met think that I was going to come cook at his house because by virtue of a uterus, it became my job.

What the fuckity fuck? Argh.
posted by lazuli at 9:02 AM on November 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm compiling a list of all my elected officials: City, County, State, and Federal officals and when they are up for re-election. The only way that I can live in a world and country that takes the idea that everyone is created equal is to get far more involved and passionate about politics and local politics is where I can have the most impact. I can't move forward by sitting on the sidelines. And I take solace in the fact that Hillary won the popular vote, and I will not let that be forgotten. We are the majority and we are stronger together.
posted by Meeks Ormand at 9:06 AM on November 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


Are there currently-active Metafilter-community physical fitness groups? It seems like there've been people talking about the need to actually start taking this kind of thing seriously, between health care reform setbacks and just the general idea of needing to be in good shape to actually help others and stay alive until we've done some good in this world. My new place is literally right next to the complex fitness center... I fell off the wagon awhile ago but I think it'll be good for me to get back on it, and I think I'm in a place now where I can handle being around dieting people without that being a problem.
posted by Sequence at 9:19 AM on November 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


Jesus christ you guys, maybe it's not Trump, but I can't remember ever having some guy I've never met think that I was going to come cook at his house because by virtue of a uterus, it became my job.

I think it's that they think he is bringing back the literal 1950s.
posted by corb at 9:26 AM on November 11, 2016 [14 favorites]


I went to the dr. for help with my stomach. I mentioned it was probably due to stress over the election. She said "Oh yes, we've had lots of people here for that!" I didn't know her politics, she was white and the practice is suburban, but that made me wonder how many of my fellow Texans are as sick at heart as I am.

(she prescribed Prilosec which ya'll can get OTC if you're still having trouble like me)
posted by emjaybee at 9:28 AM on November 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Actually I'mma expand my call to any NYU alumnus anywhere in the world. I want to get this thing in the mail by Tuesday the 15th, and I want it to be NICE and heavy when I send it out. I also want to be able to walk into the Dean of Students' office, drop it on his desk with a resounding "WHUMPF", and then turn on my heel and walk out.

So - any Mefite go to NYU? Or to NYC Polytech in Brooklyn? you want in on this? Hit me up. Send me your name and your year, or let me know if you want to scan your own letter and tell you where to send it and I'll print it.

Spread the word.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:48 AM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm so glad this thread exists.

I kind of feel like I'm drowning. I was already feeling fairly low before this happened. I'm working full-time and am also pursuing my Master's in public policy part-time.

I'm fairly close to finishing my degree but have experienced a lot of disappointment about the caliber of the classes--I'm attending Northwestern, but the Public Policy program is part of the for-profit arm. I've been feeling increasingly discouraged about how incompetent people seem to rise to the top, and I feel strongly the lack of role models and mentors in my life. I've seen incompetence rewarded but always hoped that talent and hard work would be appreciated somewhere. And now, this. And now this.

I love my parents, but they're both immigrants to this country, their highest education is elementary/middle school, and although they are supportive of me, they don't have a lot of reference point to help me cope with what I'm dealing with. I haven't talked to them about the election yet (they both work a lot, and often our schedules don't align), but frankly I'm dreading the conversation. I don't want to hear the sadness and fear that might be in their voices.

Because I am of Mexican descent, I have always been susceptible to internalizing many of the opinions of the world. It has only been recently that I have been able to convince myself that my acceptance into the University of Chicago was not because of affirmative action but rather because of real talent and intelligence. Even before these results, I've spent a lot of time berating myself about how I haven't done enough, about how I haven't made enough of my opportunities, but lately I had been trying to focus on just continuing to fight--to keep reaching higher until I reached the limit of my abilities.

But now, my hope is... I don't know. If not gone, then temporarily AWOL. I have a lot of work this weekend--I had a paper due on Wednesday that I was unable to finish, and I have two group projects. But I am struggling to bring myself to do anything.

Please help. Please give me hope to keep going.
posted by Eyeveex at 9:59 AM on November 11, 2016 [28 favorites]


Eyeveex, hugs to you. And also, people like you, immigrants and their kids, are exactly what makes this country great. Right now the country is drunk on fear and hate, but that doesn't change how amazing you and your family are. Mexico, in general, has added so much to American culture, is woven into it really, and the fact that most people don't realize this is a sad commentary on their ignorance. One of my best friends is third-generation Mexican, and she is just a powerhouse of a person, doing more good in a week than I do all year. I am in awe of her. For someone to think that I was better/more deserving than her would be laughable to me.

I wish I could say I knew how to stop hurting too. It comes and goes, like all griefs. Do you have friends there, people you can talk to? Places to go? Being alone makes it worse.
posted by emjaybee at 10:09 AM on November 11, 2016 [6 favorites]


I'm from New York city but now I live in the reddest part of a red state, Montana. I don't know what to do right now. I drove by a lone woman yesterday standing by the road holding anti-trump signs and I gave her a thumbs up but I know she thought I gave her the finger because that's what they do here. I went back today to look for her and join her but she wasn't there. I bought some big safety pins and I read Pantsuit Nation on Facebook for hours on end, but I just don't know. I'm old and white and fairly stable financially so I can physically weather this storm in relative safety, but I can't live with myself now if I do that. I applied for a passport yesterday...and I don't really know why I did that. I'm not going to leave my country...
posted by tzuzie at 10:09 AM on November 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Has anyone seen anything about the big data companies?

They built the most effective surveillance state in history, and now they will be beholden to a madman.
posted by schadenfrau at 10:17 AM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I spent the last couple of days being productive: organizing a #neighborhoodlovenotes project and distributing chalk to anyone in my neighborhood or nearby who wants to join, attending a candlelight vigil at my church, signing up for an anti-racism workshop series. And accepting different invitations from friends and neighbors for healing get togethers. And crying, of course. And joining ALL the Pantsuit Nation and Nasty Women FB groups. And crying. And coughing, because I made myself sick.

But today? Today I am apparently just Super Bitch. I am having such a hard time not yelling at my kids, especially when they are taunting each other. I want to yell "STOP IT! THERE IS ENOUGH UGLINESS IN THIS WORLD." Oh, the irony. And the cough meds are making me exhausted and groggy again, over and above just being tired of everything going on. And I'm nervous about the workshop series that starts tomorrow. I just want to curl up and read a fluffy book or something.
posted by instamatic at 10:17 AM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


One of my coworkers (reminder: children's book publishing) is organizing a meeting after work next week to talk about things we can do to resist Trump and protect our most vulnerable fellow Americans. Anyway I got the meeting invite last night. Subject: Dumbledore's Army.
posted by sunset in snow country at 10:25 AM on November 11, 2016 [50 favorites]


About to attempt to go outside again (for more than just walking the dog), and hopefully I can avoid the panic attack that's been lurking since Tuesday. It raises its head whenever I start to look at the situation head on, or when I suddenly remember something particularly dismal about what's coming (nationwide stop-and-frisk, anyone?), or (as happened the other day) even when I interact with people just going about their day. I don't know how to reengage with society.

Right now I am so sad (about everything), but especially for those of you who are dealing with a futzy brain like mine without the white privilege that shields me from the worst of it. You have more strength than I can comprehend.
posted by Gaz Errant at 10:46 AM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


DAMN RIGHT DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY!

sorry, just had to say that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:47 AM on November 11, 2016 [11 favorites]


Depression achievement unlocked.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:56 AM on November 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


oh fuck, Dumbledore's Army. Any of our Harry Potter super-connected people out here know anyone that's doing gorgeous DA merch? I know it's bizarre and probably super nerdy of me, but the safety pins really haven't been doing it for me, but that sounds somehow like a blazing symbol of hope.
posted by corb at 11:15 AM on November 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


Maybe super specific but - what is everyone doing for sleep?

Vodka.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 11:32 AM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I have a subscription to NY Times' email headlines, and I'm thinking I may have to turn that off for a little while because I jsut saw something about Mike Pence and even just seeing the name threw me a curve ball.

I also just had a sad thought: every alternate Thanksgiving, my brother's family is with his in-laws, and the assorted cousins have started doing the same with their own in-laws and their parents are following suit, so "familY' on those years has dwindled to my parents, one aunt, and me. And so usually we say "fuck it" and just all do a day trip to Rhode Island and have lunch and then I go home.

Before the election we started making plans for that, with it being a bit of a toss-up as to which city in Rhode Island. I told my parents to check with my aunt and call me back in a couple days. And they haven't yet. I called them last night and left a message to follow up, and they still haven't called back.

And just now it hit me that - my parents probably voted for Clinton, and my aunt most likely voted for Trump. And now I'm wondering if we will be all meeting.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:35 AM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Maybe super specific but - what is everyone doing for sleep?

I consciously make sure that every muscle in my body is relaxed, starting with my face and working down - am I clenching my jaw? Are my shoulders drawn up? Am I clenching my fists, is my stomach clenched? Just concentrating on that and my breathing until I reach my toes, and then starting over again.

I have slept, but I do admit I've been waking up in the middle of the night. My goal for today is to finish a meal.
posted by dinty_moore at 11:36 AM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on Tuesday, and had the pleasure of voting for all women in the national races. As I read the election day thread at work, I teared up at the Susan B. Anthony livestream, and was feeling generally good about things when there were no major reports of widespread irregularities or people being turned away at the polls.

I was all geeked up for the election night, and had picked out a particular bottle of beer to celebrate when the race was called (Victory Tart Ten -- get it? VICTORY? Yeah...) As the first Obama states started to fall out of Hillary's column, I figured it'd be a long night, but that she'd eventually flip one or two in the "leans red" category and get to 270. At the very least, I figured one or two of the rust belt states would be close enough to justify counting provisionals and doing mandatory recounts.

Around 10pm, I started to get a nervous queasy feeling that things weren't going to go well, so I switched from beer to whisky. Once the server started crapping out and the emergency backup thread countermeasures were put into place, I basically knew it was over. The trips to the liquor cabinet became more frequent, and I headed up to bed around 2am knowing I'd wake up (a) with a hangover, and (b) to President-elect Trump.

I'd choose (a) every day for the rest of my life if it could have stopped (b).

Wednesday morning was brutal, of course. I woke up at 6am unable to get back to sleep. I was sure I'd be taking the day off, but I was so disgusted that I just needed to be at work to provide a distraction. My wife is doing the same with her freelance writing. Reading and posting here is helpful in trying to process what went wrong and figure out where to go from here. I haven't yet gotten to the point where I can talk about the result with my parents, but I'll get there.

We're heartbroken for the millions who will feel more pain than we will, and also nervous about our own path forward. I'm well-compensated in my university research and development job, but my wife's just cobbling together writing gigs and between the two of our incomes paying back the $50k+ grad school bills is keeping us from having the resources we need to be able to afford to adopt and care for a child.

Meanwhile my wife's mom has spent weeks trying to chase down a diagnosis that was initially thought to be breast cancer but is now looking like it's coming from somewhere else. Her dad's mom is living with them and her mom is the primary caretaker, and now she's the one who needs to be taken care of. Her dad's working 60+ hour weeks trying to save his business from going bankrupt (today is the deadline to have a binding offer to buy it), so he doesn't have the time, either. Then there's my mom, who's going to lose her ACA coverage before she becomes eligible for Medicare. By some definition of the phrase "economic anxiety", we has it, but we also know we're in much better shape than most.

In terms of coping -- I haven't even had a beer since Tuesday night. I associate alcohol with good times, relaxation, etc. and if I'm not in that mindset when I drink, it just makes the sadness worse. I've eaten my feelings quite a bit, horrible junk food, candy, etc. That's not going to end well, but it fills the emptiness in the pit of the stomach for a brief moment. I'm reaching out to find out what I can do to organize and be part of the solution going forward, and just trying to take care of day-to-day life stuff that's still happening and not looking like it'll get better in terms of public policy. This is the first day since the election that I haven't cried (so far) so my hope is we can have a relaxing, at times fun weekend and get to a mindset where we can focus on fighting back.

Reading this MeTa has been hard, but also good to know how people are feeling and trying to respond to the pain. This is a wonderful community, and it's been invaluable in helping me figure out my own feelings by engaging with others. Many hugs to those who aren't in a good place right now.
posted by tonycpsu at 11:51 AM on November 11, 2016 [11 favorites]


I read Roxane Gay's of Black Panther: World of Wakanda issue #1 last night and it's full of nuanced, interesting women kicking ass and being strong. It was the best self-care $4.99 could buy and went very well with a bottle of red wine. I 100% recommend it and I went in with zero knowledge of the Black Panther universe other than the last Avengers movie and a quick wikipedia skim. I was going to do some retail therapy too but instead set up recurring giving to the Trevor Project, RAINN, the NCLR, and ACLU. I'm getting ready to fight back. I'm going to try to not cry on the dog while I eat lunch. I will keep telling myself "let's go, let's go."

I also found out last night that my fiancee's super evangelical family members did not vote Tr**p. They either didn't select a presidential nominee on their ballot or they voted third party. They said it was because he's un-Christian in his values and that they knew he would hurt us. Her family disowned her and she was excommunicated when she was 19, so this is so enormous for them and for her. I got to cry for a different reason last night.
posted by komlord at 11:55 AM on November 11, 2016 [9 favorites]


Oh, I almost forgot, my stupid father-in-law who said he "wouldn't" vote for Hillary and "didn't want to" vote for Trump says he left his ballot blank. Unfortunately, my even stupider brother-in-law says he voted for Trump, and his justification was some bullshit InfoWars (but I repeat myself) story about Hillary being implicated in some child pedophile ring. I tried to cut through misinformation when talking to them throughout the campaign, but I guess I need to try harder.
posted by tonycpsu at 11:55 AM on November 11, 2016


All the protest signs I can think to carry would be unprintable on the news.....
posted by The Whelk at 11:57 AM on November 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


Finally convinced VR is the future.

http://vr-retreat.com/hillary-wins-vr/
posted by erratic meatsack at 12:06 PM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I was binge-watching the last season of Person of Interest this week and it was really hard to realize the election outcome wasn't just a shitty shitty simulation.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:09 PM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Corb, a friend who knows all the HP people said that the HP Alliance has great merch though not much that's specific to Dumbledore's Army (but some other things people might find suitable for their purposes.) An email to them, however, might get some things going fairly quickly. There's also a bunch of things on Etsy from various sellers.
posted by modernhypatia at 12:12 PM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I consciously make sure that every muscle in my body is relaxed, starting with my face and working down - am I clenching my jaw? Are my shoulders drawn up? Am I clenching my fists, is my stomach clenched? Just concentrating on that and my breathing until I reach my toes, and then starting over again.

I should also mention that I'm doing intermittent status checks on my body to relax muscles (especially shoulders), and I recommend everyone else who is reading this do the same. Try this right now, it seriously helps.
posted by dinty_moore at 12:15 PM on November 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


I've had a resurgence of depression since the election. I don't think that's what set it off, but it probably didn't help much. I have a job interview in a couple hours and I can't even muster up the energy to be nervous.
I was really hopeful that lithium might actually be doing something and that effectively having a panic attack while having my blood levels checked wouldn't be for naught.
posted by Valued Customer at 12:28 PM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Joined a couple thousand of my fellow citizens last night to take over the streets of our city for a few hours. It was both very peaceful and very loud and when three kinds of police (horse, bike & car) blocked us from marching onto the freeway, we just turned our backs on them and walked all over downtown instead. There were a couple edgelord white manarchists who tried to run around in the crowd and start shit - "burn it all down!" "enjoy your stupid little parade, sheep!" &c &c - and everyone just flat-out ignored them. Beautiful stuff.

So I highly recommend attending a march near you, if only to look into the eyes of hundreds of other heartbroken and compassionate people and know that if we have nothing else, we will have each other's backs through this. Love and strength.
posted by amnesia and magnets at 12:33 PM on November 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


for insomnia, mirtazipine (Remeron) is good, as I understand it. It's an antidepressant and thus I don't think it has the downside of benzos.
posted by angrycat at 12:43 PM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


My goal for today is to finish a meal.
posted by dinty_moore at 11:36 AM


This made me smile for the first time in days. :)
posted by _Mona_ at 12:44 PM on November 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


I just wanted to check in with y'all. I'm feeling marginally better. I at least have had a shower and changed clothes. If you haven't yet, you should do that too. I even managed to be helpful to my business partner and do my job for a few hours.

News is still off the table for the most part, although Newsline is tolerable today so at least leaving NHK [Live] on is an option again. Currently, I'm inhabiting 1997 and that's been helping. The Mole People have been a great source of strength as well.

I was able to clear the air with my roommate. So I've got that going for me. Which is nice. I keep wondering when people around me will figure out why I'm as upset as I am. Maybe I'll find the courage to explain it to them. Not today though.
posted by ob1quixote at 1:03 PM on November 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


I've been bone-tired and fuzzy-minded for the past few days, but I'm emerging from the fog and getting caught up on classwork. Didn't physically miss anything, but didn't mentally understand a whole lot on Wednesday, and didn't have mental space for inessential tasks until now.

Today, I signed up for legal observer training so that I can help preserve civil rights at the protests, which seems too little, too late in the grand scheme of things but makes me feel like I'm doing my part. This all seems like filling sandbags by hand against a coming flood--futile individually, but if the millions who voted for Hillary come together to help, we can mitigate the damage.

I'm normally a cheerful person, but I've been walking around with a blank look on my face in largely-black outfits with my hair pulled back severely (and a safety pin on my lapel, yes). New York City is grim and grey and still strangely quiet.
posted by Leslie Knope at 1:44 PM on November 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


I come bearing a tiny bright spot -

The Wall Street Journal is apparently reporting that Trump says he is considering keeping parts of Obamacare in place - namely, preserving the bit about pre-existing conditions, and the bit about parents keeping kids on their insurance up to the age of 26.

This is further making some of my friends jump on the theory that Trump is basically going to be Dubya 2.0 - a largely titular doofus who didn't really want to do anything and lets his VP be the power behind the throne, and that maybe he isn't going to really do all the things he is setting out to do.

The problems with this, though, are:

1. Pence is chocolate-dipped evil in his own right, and

2. Instead of being a garden-variety doofus like Dubya was, Trump's a bigot, and that is giving tacit permission to other bigots to bigo away. Which is its own problem.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:51 PM on November 11, 2016 [8 favorites]


Maybe super specific but - what is everyone doing for sleep?

Vodka.


I'm pregnant - I can't even DRINK! I'm just exhausted and nauseated and can't sleep and sad... and I'm having a tiny bit of mixed feelings about bringing another human into this fucked-up world and I'm furious that this bullshit has tainted what should be a happy time. God fucking damn it.

So... have one for me, all of you.
posted by beandip at 2:52 PM on November 11, 2016 [21 favorites]


Wow, sorry. Apparently I am still in the "anger" stage of grief.
posted by beandip at 2:56 PM on November 11, 2016 [12 favorites]


Dear hearts, I should write to you all and each only to say: you are dear, precious, lovely and great hearts. But my words are all worthless, and your honest hearts are greater than my useless words. Persist, I beg you; if we cry together maybe fate will let us halve our tears. But better that you have relief, if the Earth did not make hearts for only weeping.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 3:21 PM on November 11, 2016 [146 favorites]


Thanks modernhypatia! I'll drop them an email too.

Today I dragged myself out for a free haircut because free, and I was sitting in the chair and I just instantly decided to have them cut off 12 inches, because fuck 2016. I know it's silly, but with that whole inch-a-month thing, figuratively cutting off the last 12 months just seemed like a great idea. And it WAS. I got it short and a little punkier than I normally would because fuck Trump, that's why.

And then I could change clothes and look like a normal human, which is a huge step, and I am trying to eat again and feel confident.
posted by corb at 3:31 PM on November 11, 2016 [34 favorites]


Seven letters hand-written and addressed -- to my US rep and senators asking them to fight as hard as they can against Trump, to my governor and state legislators asking them to do whatever they can to keep California safe for its most vulnerable residents, to my county supervisor asking the same at the county level -- plus a thank-you card to Secretary Clinton. I don't have enough stamps, and it's a national holiday so the post office is closed, so I will stamp and mail them tomorrow morning.

I also signed up for the local Pantsuit Nation group on Facebook, which is having an in-person meeting next week, so I'll plan to go to that. I want to get involved with the local Democrats, too, but their website doesn't have a lot of info on how to do that. I did see that they meet in a few weeks, though, so I'll see about attending then.

I like Leslie Knope's sandbag analogy. Those were my sandbags for the day.
posted by lazuli at 3:46 PM on November 11, 2016 [8 favorites]


For sleep I am using benadryl, melatonin and a magnesium supplement. The magnesium is suppose to help to stay asleep. That last part is important. Nothing worse than waking up at 3AM and being wide awake.

I will have a doctor's visit next week. I'm going to ask for a different anti-depressant. Paxil wasn't working anyway. Am researching anxiolytics. Since we passed medical marijuana here I'm going to try to get on track for when they finally get dispensaries here. Assuming that even happens. As well, I am completely pissed that Medicaid expansion is dead. I could really have used that.
posted by Splunge at 3:48 PM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Weed totally helps during this process.
posted by clavdivs at 3:57 PM on November 11, 2016 [8 favorites]


Weed helps mostly all the time.
posted by Burhanistan at 4:06 PM on November 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


In my tiny and strident mind I often mock you. “’murica leads the way in nothing”, “they don’t have a proper healthcare system”, “there’s guns fucking everywhere”

I never vocalise this (total disclosure, I mock everything), I never give a proper opinion on anything; sarcasm – or ‘dry British wit’ – is a useful shield and people are too busy chuckling at my vulgarity-laden comment to notice I didn’t actually say anything of substance.

I’m an apathetic citizen of the country your forbearers fled and the problem with my mockery? I’m wrong. You are, for right now at least, the leaders of the free world. This is just my view but I’ll say it again for clarity – you’re the leaders of the free world. Your president is the highest public servant of the leaders of the free world.

So, as a people, keep on being that – keep on being leaders.
---
I’m bothered by your election result, I’m bothered by the prospect of Brexit, I’m bothered that Thursday is an ultimately pointless day in the week that just gets in the way of it being Friday. But I move through my life and I do what I feel I can.

This community (which I know, I know, is a microcosm of the USA at large, whatever current circumstances may indicate to the contrary) has rallied in the face of many challenges and some of the reasons I love you all are:
• The ‘this disaster is happening in XX, so XX mefites – let us know you’re OK’
• Everybody needs a hug
• If you ask a question about your pet, post a picture
• It’s a brand new day
• Mod appreciation
• Secret Quonsar
• Offers of refuge
• Oh yeah… the sharing of the best of the web. May you all be damned for showing me interesting things and making me think

The West Wing is probably my favourite show ever, so to paraphrase President Bartlet: Donald is going to be the President of the United States, not the President of The People Who Agree With Him.

Yours is a country born in throwing off the shackles of oppression. The right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is on your birth certificate.

And right now? You still have the right to free speech. And you all have more stamina than you think.

Share here what has inspired you, motivated you, or even just what has made you laugh out loud (and really actually do that, not just typed it in response to something online when at best you just snorted.)

You’re amazing and I love you all. I hope you find your peace and I hope you find your way.

Sorry if this comes across as muddled, I’m having trouble pulling the words together.

To start us off here’s something that gives me hope:
www.metafilter.com
posted by She Kisses Wyverns at 4:10 PM on November 11, 2016 [11 favorites]


Alexandra Petri at the Post: The Five Stages of Trump Grief
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 4:29 PM on November 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


So, I worked as a staffer on Obama's campaigns in '08 and '12. Low level field and data work. This year, I worked the election season on an advocacy campaign that was non-partisan. So because of my job I couldn't be very outspoken about the election publicly, or volunteer much for Clinton, though I did do a couple shifts of phonebanking. Now I feel guilty that I didn't do everything that I could, even though I kind of needed that job, which was my first decent-paying gig in over three years. And if there wasn't anything I could have done to change the outcome, then why did I fucking ever bother before?

Campaigns mean nothing anymore, apparently. A well-honed door-to-door voter-contact strategy and top-notch on-message communications team gets beat by a bigot blowhard with twitter who doesn't even understand the phrase "ground game."

My friends are all worried about the upcoming waves of oppression, and so am I, and I don't know what to do. I thought this was going to be so different.
posted by Cookiebastard at 4:37 PM on November 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


I ate a banana!

I never would have thought I'd end that sentence with an exclamation point.
posted by mudpuppie at 4:38 PM on November 11, 2016 [14 favorites]


It's Friday and I've finally emerged from my funk. I've been non-functional and my wife, daughter and parents have been deeply worried about me. I literally had to say the words "I'm not going to slit my wrists!" to a friend today. I've managed to dull my emotions with a mix of xanax and zoloft and finally tonight I turned to alcohol for the first time in almost 9 years. I'm sitting in a fancy hotel eating a nice dinner like nothing happened. Total disconnect - all my emotions in a nice little box.

And yet, I'm broken inside. I was sure this country was going to elect a woman president. I was so happy to help my daughter go through her ballot and celebrate the fact that her first time casting a ballot was for a woman. To see the election thrown away on a monster is devestating. I cried when I spoke to my daughter Wed. Every cynical thing I've ever thought over the last 30 years was proven true. Humanity is terrible and fear and selfishness won the day. The American people voted for nihilism. I'm surrounded by white men who's attitude is fuck-you-I-got-mine. I have cut myself off from 90% of my friends and my in-laws. I'm isolated and I live in the intellectual wasteland of Florida. Like lots of folks have noted, tough decisions are on the horizon and I'm determined to leave the south by any means necessary.

With all that said, thank you to everyone who took the time to pour their souls out here. This is a very special place and it's the closest thing I have to group therapy. I am officially out of fucks and I promise to stand up to racism, sexism, bigotry and discrimation even if it gets me punched in the face. You people are awesome.
posted by photoslob at 4:49 PM on November 11, 2016 [17 favorites]


Hello fellow peoples..... I have been miserable this week.....multiple pressures plus COMPREHENSIVE EXAM TODAY!! combined to make me a basket case. But this afternoon I managed to take a shower and go take my comps. I feel like I probably fucked up a lot but feel secure in the essay questions. Now I am going to eat a little ice cream and salted caramel cake and start planning how to reduce harm and make things better for everyone I can touch/reach out too.

I saw a teacher say that she was asking her students to fill in the following:

I feel ______ but I am going to _________


I decided it was a good acknowledgement exercise....

On Wednesday my answers were - "despondent" and "take the sheets off the bed so that I don't lay there all day"

Today my answers were 'exhausted" "go take that test anyway"

I am pretty sure tomorrow's answers are going to be "angry" "make a solid plan with short, medium, and long term outcomes."

Fuck you America, no hotdog!
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. at 5:25 PM on November 11, 2016 [10 favorites]


At 4:52 I saw that there was a local protest/vigil scheduled in my town for 5pm, so I threw on outside clothes and went, because I thought community would be helpful. And I got there and got ignored by the 20-odd people there, who all knew each other because most of them are out there every week holding up peace flags and anti-war signs, and I stood awkwardly for 10 minutes or so then decided that feeling lonelier was bad for my mental health, plus I live in a county that voted 66% for Clinton, so I'm not sure we were really accomplishing much there. So now I'm home.

And I just found out that my father might not regain the ability to walk, after having complications from a surgery two weeks ago, so... there's that. I'm going to go make a martini and watch something that's not news.
posted by lazuli at 6:07 PM on November 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


I ... can't even verbalize it yet. Still somewhere between bargaining and depression.

Tuesday night I had to pack for a trip with three legs. Weds was travel, and a deep speechless funk. Thursday was meetings all day, so very distracting despite reality bubbling through intermittently. Today is more travel, alone, back to despondent, can't really even breathe yet. Tomorrow, back to social things, hopefully a respite in the desert.

Sleep? Drugs.
posted by Dashy at 6:15 PM on November 11, 2016




I've been in a low grade panic all week and mainly focusing on work, which is stressful at this time of year anyway. It's Friday night and now I'm having a full blown panic attack. :(
posted by Joe Chip at 6:22 PM on November 11, 2016


I'm a tad worried I'm just gonna drop f-bombs in my sermon on Sunday while standing in the pulpit and seeing the people I know how voted for Trump. So....I'm praying a lot as I cope and dropping my f-bombs to God.
posted by Stynxno at 6:35 PM on November 11, 2016 [20 favorites]


After falling asleep on election night with the help of xanax, I woke up way too early and found out, yep, still happening. I decided to go and get my flu shot, partly because I hadn't gotten one yet, and partly as a fuck you to "children are not tiny horses." I am not a child, and the flu vaccine is not really what he was talking about at the time. Vaccines are important, and he is an idiot. I spent a lot of Wednesday crying and angry and trying to distract myself.

Wednesday night, I managed to sleep for about 3 hours, and then wasn't tired. I did manage to study for a law exam I have coming up. I only cried twice.

Last night I managed 6 hours of sleep. Today I have managed a little studying, and a couple errands. I also discovered that I am down 7 pounds from the last time I weight myself (last Friday). A lot of that is water weight, but I haven't had an appetite since. I was going to say I've achieved not crying today, but then I lost it looking at pictures of pie.

I keep bouncing around to everything I want to save and read and know, because I keep expecting that one day it won't be there. I hope it will be, but I'm not holding my breath.

And then I saw the note under the comment box, so *hugs* to everybody. (How long have I missed that?)
posted by smangosbubbles at 7:08 PM on November 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Still somewhere between bargaining and depression.

I call it "bargapressioning."
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:56 PM on November 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


It's 10pm and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. So--moving with bronchitis seems to work pretty well as a sleep aid, though I'm not sure I'd really recommend it to anyone at this point. A couple more hours of work with regular breaks and I'll go to bed in my own apartment tonight and no longer be sharing a house with an unrepentant racist and that'll go a long way towards my feeling safer and more capable of tackling everything else. I thought this was going to be a terrible week for moving, but it's proved to be a decent distraction. Usually I'm the most anxious person I know, and I feel almost zen, right now, but at the same time I think I might die before I've carried all this junk to the car. Physical exhaustion is the best anxiolytic that I know... and hey, look, it's surprisingly easy to reach that point when you've been coughing your lungs out for a week and carrying one box out to your car feels like running a marathon!

Definitely many hugs tonight to anybody who needs/wants them. (Thankfully of the virtual variety where I don't cough on anybody.) I'm thinking about all of you often.
posted by Sequence at 8:10 PM on November 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


To add a small note regarding Gone Home being free this weekend, there's this note on their itch.io page:

For folks who opt to pay something for their download, all proceeds will be donated to Lambda Legal http://www.lambdalegal.org/ at the end of the weekend.

This is really nice to see.
posted by erratic meatsack at 8:42 PM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Okay, I am going to raise my hand for hugs. I was feeling better earlier, but then my kid cried about election stuff, and I am back in the dumpster again.
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. at 8:56 PM on November 11, 2016 [6 favorites]



Hugs!!!!!!!
posted by Jalliah at 9:03 PM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I have preexisting sleep deprivation due to offspring helping me sleep (when the opportunity arises).

Actually, working on explaining to myself why not everyone who voted for Trump is evil helped, a lot. Separating bad actions and bad decisions from bad people is important, because a bad person is a bad person but someone who made a bad decision could make a good one in the future. (All you eligible voters who are sad Trump won and who didn't go out and vote for Clinton 'cause you thought it was in the bag? Make a better decision in the future!)

One of my friends told me she went to buy safety pins and they were sold out where she looked. That is kind of awesome.

So many people are putting out suggestions, tools, options for moving forward. How quickly some people picked themselves up and got back to work is inspiring. I am kind of humbled by it. So many people I know who aren't in a vulnerable position made their support for people who are in vulnerable positions known within 24 hours.
posted by pearshaped at 9:16 PM on November 11, 2016 [6 favorites]


{{{{{more hugs}}}}}
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:21 PM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I thought this was going to get better with each successive day. But I think Wednesday was the easiest. Wednesday every step was propelled by rage and resolve. Thursday I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed. Today I made it up, went through the motions, held it together, then when I tried listening to the two podcasts that never fail to make me laugh I broke into tears instead. First tears since the election happened. All I could think about was how funny and positive and hopeful the hosts were, and I couldn't relate to them at all--not even a little. I'm now looking for alternatives, because my podcasts were all related to politics or those goofy ones and I can't think about either. I'm listening to a series about World War I, and somehow learning about trench warfare is less depressing than my standbys.

I have major depressive disorder and tend towards overthinking and excessive cynicism. I tend to think humans will end up doing the worst thing, and that our brains are wired to trap us into magical thinking and pettiness and truthiness that will ultimately doom us all. I try very hard to not fall into that pit. But right now I see no reason not to. This result has confirmed the darkest, most terrible beliefs I've ever had about humanity and the people of my country. And besides that, there's also the knowledge that what little hope we had for combating climate change is now gone. That we're truly, irrevocably doomed, and a good chunk of the country is doing its best to ensure we get there as fast as possible. I can't deal with hugs, hopeful words, jokes, or attempts to uplift my spirits because that irrevocable truth looms over all of it.

I haven't been able to think about Clinton or even look at pictures of her because it makes me so deeply, deeply sad. I can't think about Trump because I get overwhelmed with disgust and rage. I am trying to re-engage with the world in a positive way, to pursue activism or something, and every step I take in that direction brings me in contact with news that sends me spiraling down again.

I want to burn everything around me down. And since that's not an option, I want to escape from this fucking planet. Like a few other posters, the only thing keeping me here is my cats.

/rambling
posted by schroedinger at 9:31 PM on November 11, 2016 [18 favorites]


also I have friends who are definitively anti-pessimism and relentlessly positive thinkers, and I am already feeling the pressure to get hopeful and move from depression to action. And I don't think I'm going to be in that place for a long, long time, and I think I'm probably going to see a few friendships disappear as a result.
posted by schroedinger at 9:33 PM on November 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


schroedinger, if it helps any, your comments in some of the other election threads here have been an incredible source of comfort for me, because it's like finally, here's someone who gets it and can articulate it. I've really valued your voice, and I'm glad this is a place where you feel like contributing it.

Hugs for you, and for posters at least 10 comments up, too.
posted by mudpuppie at 9:44 PM on November 11, 2016 [14 favorites]


schroedinger, I took comfort in tivalasvegas's comment:

It's true that American hegemony is over. The world order that was constructed over the ruins of 1945 has been smashed, for better in some ways (but mostly for worse). We can hope that this new epoch will bring new democratic, multi-polar leadership to the world stage. I'm not sure where to look, honestly. From India to the Philippines, Turkey, the UK, the US, Russia, the Middle East -- there is an immense shadow falling across our planet.

But if the peoples of the world could withstand the horrors of two generations of world war and still, after all that, work toward peace: so can we.


{{{}}}
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:46 PM on November 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


One of my friends told me she went to buy safety pins and they were sold out where she looked. That is kind of awesome.

So many people are putting out suggestions, tools, options for moving forward. How quickly some people picked themselves up and got back to work is inspiring. I am kind of humbled by it. So many people I know who aren't in a vulnerable position made their support for people who are in vulnerable positions known within 24 hours.


The safety pin thing is spreading really fast.

I just read a post on pantsuit nation from a woman who got a safety pin tattoo. And now it looks like that's gonna happen as well.
posted by Jalliah at 10:21 PM on November 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Just re-read what the trump election means for my bike co-op. It starts:
This is a message of strategy and purpose, written as we enter a broken future. The dangers that now loom on the horizon are too numerous to be counted and too massive to be properly appraised. “We’ve got our work cut out for us,” is a saying that’s been in the air. Here’s what I believe that looks like for us at the Mechanical Gardens Bike Co-op, and at other grassroots organizations facing the gathering storm.
posted by aniola at 10:24 PM on November 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


Here's my report on wearing a pin today. They are not sold out at craft stores where I live at all, at least not yet, but I bought a bag of big ones anyway.

Dealing with my friend in that entry...oh man. I was just thinking, "you are not woke yet" and "I freaking told you he was racist!" and all sorts of things...but did I want to have that argument when we were going to be hanging out for several more hours? I am not up for that now.

We saw David Sedaris tonight (hilarious) and someone asked him about the election. He said he slept for two hours, that President Obama is incredibly impressive and gracious, how could we go from that to this, and at least he knows Cher feels the same way.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:59 PM on November 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


After about 72 hours of FB silence, my mom posted a link to some white 20 something male's blog post claiming it had no bias, just truths and everyone should take a chill pill. I let her have it with both barrels.

And now I'm back to tearing up again because I can't reconcile how my parents who taught me to be considerate of everyone apparently only give lip service to the part of their religion that says "treat others as you wish to be treated."

I'm scared to find out how my dad voted. I'm clinging to the faint hope that I managed to convince-blackmail him into voting not trump. I already unfriended his wife for the endless stream of TrumpGloat. They are supposed to visit for Christmas with my half brothers and I have no idea how that's going to go. We've tacitly avoided politics at family gatherings for a long time now, but I'm scared this won't hold this year.

I could use a hug y'all.
posted by romakimmy at 11:03 PM on November 11, 2016 [18 favorites]



I could use a hug y'all.

{{{{big canadian bear hug}}}}}
posted by Jalliah at 11:18 PM on November 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


As for family maters it may be my ice burn WASP ways but I found letting them know their support for X means they don't consider me a person or my marriage real so I no longer consider them a person and will no longer speak to them or contribute to their lives in anyway. You broke that social contract, not me. Enjoy your pine box.

But I'm a hardass, cause I don't want to be put in a conversion camp.
posted by The Whelk at 11:26 PM on November 11, 2016 [48 favorites]


Hi. I'm an American, a New Yorker, a woman of color, in Canada right now--and it's making all of this feel so, so much harder. The grief and pain I feel is visceral, but here, many Canadians are oblivious, blindly hopeful, dismissive, like because it didn't happen to them it doesn't matter. I stood outside the Trump hotel before a protest officially started and I was attacked and mocked repeatedly by Trump supporters in less than an hour. Even the other protestor, who was there to help, started victim blaming my sign. I was crying the whole time.

But I pulled myself together, my friends showed up, and we marched. And that felt cathartic. That night I had to call out a different protest organizer for her cowardice, her diversion tactics, and she attacked ME instead. I think there's a difference between hate and disagreeing. I'm normally pretty good at this, at being compassionate, emphatic, loving. But it feels like it's obstacle after obstacle. It feels so hard right now.

C I feel like I've been in a safe protected shell most of my life and it's finally broken, and I broke with it, but now I'm more determined than ever to fight for what I believe in. I'm learning about activism and donating and having hard conversations and finding people that support this. I bought safety pins (even though I'm in Canada) and made a new glittery protest sign. I'm writing poems and essays. I'm texting my mom, who's super not into politics, that she should be proud that I'm fighting for what I believe in. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. But I also feel emboldened, ready to do whatever it takes to rebuild and try harder.

Maybe it's true, what they say. Love is stronger than hate.
posted by lightgray at 11:33 PM on November 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


I had a meeting with my shrink yesterday.

But I guess as one does in therapy, one tells the story of the week, and I start with telling him how waking up at 4AM EST after falling asleep at 8:30 EST and seeing the NYT page was like a hypothetical person showing me by surprise the picture of somebody's head bashed in with a named baseball bat, and how this moments of understanding--Trump won--the Senate--the Supreme Court--Giuliani and Gingrich in the cabinet--the Paris Accords--the EPA--the Iran deal----how all those moments of realization during The Day After were like aspects of 9/11. 9/11 had these beats of oh, this is bad, wow, this is really bad, HOLY SHIT that felt similar to 11/9.

But there were signifiant cultural moments on 9/11 and afterwards: Giuliani (curses upon his head) gently telling us that the fire had been very very intense, and there were unlikely to be survivors, the only time in his cursed political life that I've admired him. Jon Stewart afterwards. SNL afterwards. I went to some folksy concert in lower Manhattan later that fall and the singer sang the National Anthem and we cried together. We made memorials. I went to France with my friend and Parisians cried and hugged us when they heard we were New Yorkers. We grieved together. Of course things went to shit, but for a little while, we were united as a nation.

This felt like a 9/11 to a different part of the political anatomy, an upsetting of the political landscape, a complete shock on so many levels that's it's as hard to understand now what America means as it was on 9/12. Maybe harder? Is that just horrible to say?

And this is really the only safe space to grieve together. My shrink (sigh) is a bit of a Bernie Bro, maybe because he's a cranky old socialist himself. You know, I'm glad my shrink has enough confidence in my character that he can float his Bernie Bro counterfactuals (he says he's forbidden to speak of same at home) past me and I won't, I don't know, respond in irrational way.

But it sort of made me feel like when my student blamed gay people for the result, claiming God brought it about because yadda yadda gay marriage. Betrayed. It's like, great, Freud or the dream guy or whoever is my shrink's guiding light has let me down, God (via my student) has let me down, I'm glad there's shit like this thread and the Million Women March planned or I wouldn't feel terribly supported at the moment.
posted by angrycat at 1:00 AM on November 12, 2016 [15 favorites]


An internet friend of mine committed suicide following the election results. She could not face losing her health insurance.

We weren't close, but we were in each other's orbits pretty consistently for more than ten years. Many, many people in common. She had so much to give the world, so much value. She was a resource to several communities and I have literally never run into anyone who had a bad word to say about this woman.

Now she is gone. There have been casualties already. There have been casualties already and it has been four days.

I have to believe it isn't literally the end of the world, or I can't pull myself out of bed, and I have a three-week-old child, so I have to get out of bed. But honestly, I feel like I'm pulling that belief entirely out of thin air and delusion for the sake of the baby.

The various political things to do seem pretty clear, but I don't see how they're going to help. Time to fake it till I start to feel it, I guess.
posted by Rush-That-Speaks at 1:45 AM on November 12, 2016 [34 favorites]


Hugs all.

I'm sitting outside my weekend retail (second) job and trying not to cry. I'm certain that more than 50% of the co-workers voted for the demagogue.

At least my weekday job was filled with stunned Clinton supporters. We couldn't talk about it but it felt as safe as this busted future could.

I will have to try and put on the happy retail employeebot face and go in.

Hugs once again to everyone who needs it and also to all who don't necessarily need it.
posted by mightshould at 2:34 AM on November 12, 2016 [3 favorites]


I don't dream about my late mom but I did. She told me to fight and showed me a bunch of leftovers and it was the kind of dream where you get up and open the fridge. So I guess I was hungry. That was kind of odd.

When she told me to fight she waved her hand and unswept were three inept battles on unknown plateaus. No flanking. Just head-on maelstrom. All these tiny people hacking away.

I think we have to flank them. Head-on rage won't work.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 3:08 AM on November 12, 2016 [6 favorites]


Take this with as many grains of salt you wish, because I freely admit it is going to be some woo -

So, from time to time I dabble in the Tarot. I don't use it as a divinatory tool - it's not like I think I can predict the future - but rather as a sort of prompt to consider a situation from a perspective I hadn't done, to see if maybe that gives me a new way to tackle it. You know - "Hmm, I've been trying to figure this situation out. Maybe if I look at it from this angle, lemme see if that gives me any ideas?" sometimes it doesn't make any sense, and just shrug and say "eh, that didn't work" when it does, and sometimes I get that kind of "ah, okay, I hadn't thought about it that way" insight and have a new approach. It's anyway something to think about.

I did a spread about the issue of, "Trump, WTF do we do now" approach a couple nights ago. And...your reactions to this can range from hope, to an approach for the future, to whatever you like.

* The bits that talked about the here-and-now, what the current situation is today and what my own mental headspace is, suggested a sort of prepare-for-stuff phase. Stop a second, marshall your resources, see where you can be flexible, get ready to take the long view, get ready to lead if you have to.

* But the two cards that suggested what the future path is - the Chariot and Strength. Self-assurance, determination, and discipline, matched with patience, compassion, and endurance.

The web site I linked to suggests that those two cards are opposing forces. But I'm not so sure. I think they actually can work together - we need the people who are going to be able to coordinate a disciplined force and act quickly to defend ourselves now, people who can immediately step in when someone's the target of oppression. Not in anger, though - but with defensive force. That's where the discipline comes in. But we also need the kind of patient and compassionate endurance as well, the courage to keep the food bank going and keep soliticing donations even when it seems like everyone's blowing you off, or the courage to keep that after school chess club going because you know it's the only safe space the kids that go there have got, etc.

In the notes I made from this reading I summed up those two forces collectively as "FORTH EORLINGAS!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:37 AM on November 12, 2016 [9 favorites]


Yesterday was the first time I was able to even begin processing this.
I went to bed before the election was called because I wanted to delay learning what had become inevitable, and because I was exhausted from worrying about my lovely cat who had just fallen ill.
I always try to take off work the day after Election Day so I can stay up late and then wallow in all the news the day after. This year I spent the most of my mental and emotional energy that day on trying to deal with my cat's illness. I knew I couldn't add hearing details about the election to my day--I was already feeling so fragile. On Thursday I went back to work but then left early to take my lovely cat to the vet to have her euthanized.
I still feel as though I haven't been able to totally process either of these losses.
I know that several of my immediate neighbors were strong vocal Trump supporters because of his views on immigrants.I don't feel unsafe for myself but it's unsettling knowing that I am surrounded by people who have so much venom in their hearts--and those are only the ones I know about.
I went to work yesterday and was able to have 2 separate private talks with 2 coworkers who share my political positions. The rest of my coworkers did not bring up the election in my presence. I know that at least a few of them ended up voting for Trump. I'm trying very hard to not let this effect my relationships with them because I have to work closely with them every day.
I know that I need to accept these Election results because this is how our system works and one of our foundations is the peaceful transfer of power. I know that I can't believe in our system only when the results are the ones I wanted. I know that I need to concentrate on concrete steps I can take to make sure that my friends --and others--who now feel even more frightened for their safety and wellbeing will be OK. But right now I feel utterly embarrassed and ashamed that I have to call this man my president.
This thread has been enormously helpful to me as I've been trying to make sense of the last few days. Sending hugs and hand squeezes to all who need/want them.
posted by bookmammal at 5:51 AM on November 12, 2016 [9 favorites]


I'm an American Jewish woman but live in the U.K. My family live in America and one of my parents is gay, my brother is unemployed with serious health issues and is dependent on the A.C.A. Both are in an absolute spiral of panic and depression and I feel awful being so far away and not really able to help them.

I'm the only American at my work and everyone wanted to discuss the election results with me. On Wednesday I had to tell a ton of people "I'm sorry but I just can't talk about it right now" and they all respected that. A few people brought me little gifts - chocolate bars and things, and a few gave me hugs (I've never gotten a hug at work before this week). Everyone was shocked and dismayed by the results and said they understood because of Brexit. They offered me their commiserations and I offered them mine as it affects us all. They agreed. It was heartwarming to be surrounded by such kindness and I just can't imagine what those of you who live in red states are going through. I've told everyone I've spoken to that Hillary won the popular vote and they just can't understand it. I've tried to explain the electoral college as best I can but it just doesn't compute.

Anyway I've decided I can no longer just stand by and watch while this world goes to hell. So I've contacted my local council to ask about fostering unaccompanied refugee children. I have to go through a training program and it will take about six months but they do have asylum-seeking children who need homes. If anyone else reading this is in a position to do this I urge you to check into it as there is a real need, at least in the U.K I know there is, and possibly in the U.S. as well.
posted by hazyjane at 7:00 AM on November 12, 2016 [30 favorites]


I didn't even realize this thread was here until yesterday. I really could have used it on Wednesday and Thursday, but I couldn't be bothered to look beyond the few tabs I had already open for comfort. I was far too busy crying and staring into the abyss for critical thinking skills like that.

Wednesday afternoon I emailed my dad, the eternally undecided Ohio Republican, who I had been urging to vote Clinton instead of leaving the race blank. I demanded to know who he voted for. And he did it! He voted for Clinton! My dad. It's not like his vote flipped Ohio, but it made me feel so much less betrayed. I'm sorry, it's just plain easier to blame strangers and acquaintances than people I love. I don't know how you guys with Trumpers in the family can stand it.

We've been emailing back and forth since. We usually only talk politics sparingly, because there's a lot of issues we don't mutually agree on or give a shit about. But I've really been pouring my heart out to him this week. It's cathartic in a way I wouldn't have expected. Talking to my liberal friends and relatives...what else is there to say? But my dad...I feel like there's a whole world of things I need to tell him, now that I'm officially done tiptoeing through the tulips about it. Yesterday I did some unsolicited Racism & White Privilege 101 at him, and we're going to keep having these uncomfortable conversations whether he likes it or not. He's a good guy, but he's SO not woke to this shit. Fucking white people, we're just the worst. I'm really trying with this one though. He's a healthy guy, he's probably got another 30 years left in him. That's a lot of elections. I'll bring him over to our side yet.
posted by gueneverey at 9:15 AM on November 12, 2016 [18 favorites]


I went to work on Wednesday because I thought I could handle it. I spent the day reading MeFi and playing solitaire - got my basic reports done and just stayed in my office with the door and window blinds closed.

On Thursday, I ended up in tiny conclaves of Hillary voters, none of us Christians in this gun-carrying red state where the only acceptable alternative to Jesus is SEC football...and we found ourselves whispering next to the coffee machine, lest our colleagues overhear. My newest team member is a single African-American mom of two young boys, and it was clear that she didn't quite know how to approach me, but it all worked out when she saw me weeping as silently as I could, and said "I thought you might be OK but you never know with white women." Then she hugged me and made me eat something. I am pretty sure my boss voted for Trump but he has looked shellshocked every day as someone tries not to cry.

Right now I don't have the spoons to do anything other than throw money at the ACLU/SPLC/Planned Parenthood/NAACP, but I can do that. When I climb out of this depressive episode, I'm probably going to give time to prison and sentencing reform.
posted by catlet at 9:17 AM on November 12, 2016 [14 favorites]


I was working out of town all week (and I pretty much don't have time to be on the internet) so although I knew it happened I didn't have time to really start to process it. Besides, I was working an event on reorganizing healthcare for hospital systems—everyone was in a daze because all the work we were doing (they have been doing for years) may be pointless.

Now that I'm home and have time to start processing I'm only just moving from numbness into disbelief. My favorite band was playing last night and even playing the entirety of my favorite album of theirs. I didn't want to leave the house. Finally, 20 minutes before it started I put on pants and got in a cab. I stood there alone in the middle of the crowd wondering how all of them could be there talking and laughing with their friends. The lead singer tried to joke a little to lighten the mood and when that fell flat finally said "I feel like we're the Beatles playing Ed Sullivan after Kennedy was shot." They're Canadian.

So I'm finally feeling a little better, they're playing my favorite song, and a group of tall men in their 50s push past everyone to get to the front row. The fans are usually pretty gracious, most of us have been following the band for 20+ years and I always recognize people that I only know from seeing them at shows every 18 months or so.

Anyway, so our natural reaction is to not put up a fuss, to let them by and think that they must be big fans to do that. A few of us women said "really!?" when they pushed pass us because they were a lot taller—not cool concert manners. I'm eyeing them like hmmmm, they don't fit the demographic for the band, I don't recognize them, and they're just a bit too old to be fans. I scolded myself in my head thinking not to judge on their age. Then one dude leans over to the woman loudly singing next to me and says "so do you know this band well?" WHAT!? The dudes had just walked into a concert off the street and didn't know the band or the music but still felt entitled to push their way to the front, blocking fans singing and dancing and rows of women shorter than them.

When tall people have done that in the past I've said something, I've yelled and shamed them and usually they look around and realize they're being dicks and move back. This time I was too sad and stunned to do anything about it, besides they weren't blocking my view. I had a few thoughts about this that made me especially angry:

Right now everything I see happening brings me back to the election. I'm equating everything I see with it. This may have happened if Trump hadn't won, but seeing this behavior of older white male entitlement right now feels like it's been sanctioned as okay, as the new normal. I loudly said "I guess it's boys to the front now."

Only now, the next morning, I'm realizing my feeling of helplessness at this last night. I'm typically a quiet observer-type in social situations but I've always spoken up at shows when men were being assholes (it's always been men, always). Hell, I've gotten in fights defending my space in front of a stage before. I'm mad at myself. Because I felt defeated, because they weren't talking or being too disruptive, because they weren't directly affecting my experience I didn't do anything. I'm going to take some time for self care and to go through the grief I'm feeling about the election but I can't let my privilege protect me from standing up for what's right even if it's not directly affecting me (a self-employed white woman who stands to lose a lot in healthcare and women's rights, but nothing as bad as a lot of others in this country).
posted by Bunglegirl at 10:01 AM on November 12, 2016 [10 favorites]


Tuesday my dad visited from out of town, and we swung by a taco truck to get dinner, and all was cheerful until it wasn't. My fella and my dad both went to bed while things were looking bleak but uncertain. I stayed up reading the Thread until news came of HRC's congratulatory phone call, and then I went to bed in a Nasty Woman T-shirt and feeling like maybe I was already asleep and having a nightmare.

Wednesday I cried exactly two tears during the concession speech.

Wednesday night I went out to perform music with a bunch of white-guy friends. (I'm an Asian woman.) My relentlessly cheerful demeanour was wrapped around a seething mass of incandescent rage. One of them asked how I was doing, and I said, "Great!" and he looked a bit scared. (They know I volunteered for Hillary, we got into minor fights back during the primaries, and I don't wanna know which of them voted third-party or didn't bother to vote, because this way we can all pretend that things are hunky-dory between us. Even that one guy that I suspect voted for Clump.)

Thursday I turned into an actual potato. Numb sofa-denizen me, afraid to watch Sam Bee's show because I knew it would make me cry. Then I finally watched it, and I was right. But when Lizzo sang and said get up, I got the hell up off that sofa and goddammit I danced and got fired up. Then I went and donated to the League of Women Voters and the Southern Poverty Law Center in honour of my badass great-aunt, a WW2 vet who's turning 100 and who still lives on her own. I'd been hoping to get her a woman president, but that'll have to do. (When she heard the election result, she said, "Now we're gonna hafta look out!")

Friday, back to cheerful and seething and not getting a whole lot of shit done.

And now it's my birthday and I've felt on the edge of a panic attack for the past several hours, but pretty soon I'm gonna put on that Lizzo song and dance myself up. Tonight I'm playing a benefit concert for anti-DAPL efforts. And I guess that at some point I'll need to get my self-employed ass to focus on a couple of time-sensitive projects. And to schedule a pair of cataract surgeries while Medicaid will still pay for them. (I'm not legally blind but damn near close right now, with an eye condition that often results in sudden, catastrophic loss of vision. I edit books for a living.)

This election has stolen so many of my spoons.
posted by salix at 10:56 AM on November 12, 2016 [17 favorites]


Happy birthday to you, salix. I hope you can find a way to enjoy it somewhat. Dancing is a great idea and I'd join you if I could.
posted by Too-Ticky at 11:03 AM on November 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


One of my friends went on a bender after our Neighborhood Family Meeting that he is just now coming out of. I've got concerns/issues with people who are drunk so it was text messaging checking in until he sobered up (other folks left him sandwiches and coffee). Which was today.

Friend: Yo
Me: Hey friend, how are you?
Friend: Better, not drinking, just recovering
Me: Glad to hear it, want to hang out?
Friend: Still sick over DT but I'll power through it. Yeah I'd like that. Thanks.
Me: Sounds good, glad you're coming out of it
Friend: DT isn't so much a factor in my everyday life but I feel bad for all the people who I love for whom it's a BFD.
Me: Having a well-functioning mind and body can help that go better. We've all got resources we can use to help them. I'll see you in a few hours.

Which is just to say, call your friends, hug your family. Think if you're someone right now who could use help or could offer help, or maybe both and then figure out how to go do that.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 11:16 AM on November 12, 2016 [12 favorites]


I avoided talking politics with some conservative co-workers (of sorts) on Tuesday, and ate some delicious green chili at lunch that day. That night, I first thought the green chili had been too much, and then the election results started turning bad. I woke up at 1:30 AM to see if there were any final results, and I found that the GOP had taken it all. Then my son woke up a half hour later, so I didn't sleep much the rest of that night. I bought some self-soothing donuts for my small cadre of direct co-workers who are all liberal hippie-types like me. I've had an upset stomach since then, but now I think it's some virus that my father-in-law had.

My wife asked if it was too soon to put up our fake Christmas tree, and we decided it wasn't. It comes with lights, so it'll be a little seasonal brightness in our living room. (But I'm not down with Christmas music yet.)

{{{hugs}}} for everyone here, their family and friends. We'll proceed together, one way or another.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:59 AM on November 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


I posted this in IRL as well, but here's a FB invite to a ukulele flash mob I'm organizing for the day of the inauguration. I'm doing this in addition to some more direct activism. If you're interested or want to know more, MeMail me.
posted by pxe2000 at 12:56 PM on November 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


last week with my shrink I was like you probably haven't read Melville's Confidence Man, even though the last time I checked in with my shrink he was reading some 18th century Hungarian writer I'd never heard of, so of course he'd read Confidence Man.

Because I barely remember Confidence Man (and also because my shrink has a mind like a steel trap, so if I had fuzzily tried to recount the specifics he probably would have put me to shame) I said, "You know, I do remember that Melville wrote it after the failure of Moby Dick, and that it was extraordinarily bitter, and that it sort of got at one of these dark American truths that Melville liked to tilt at." My shrink gave a sage nod and I was all *ha well I should reread it not this week though next week*

And I would like to read it again, because I would like to reexamine Melville's examination of these dark truths of the American character, but maybe not in the next four years. It's hard enough dealing with these palliatives *oh, we got through GWB* without Melville being in my ear IT'S MORE CYNICAL AND DARK THAN YOU KNOW
posted by angrycat at 1:27 PM on November 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


I handed out ALL my water bottles

( one guy shouted 'get a job! And like, I'm in Harris tweed on a Saturday do you mean I should stop living off my country estate)
posted by The Whelk at 1:59 PM on November 12, 2016 [38 favorites]


In case dance therapy might work for you too, here's a link to Lizzo's performance on Full Frontal.
posted by salix at 2:00 PM on November 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


I just liked your post SO HARD, Whelk. SO. HARD.
posted by cooker girl at 2:01 PM on November 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


( one guy shouted 'get a job! And like, I'm in Harris tweed on a Saturday do you mean I should stop living off my country estate)

Yeah, I've never understood that - both of the big protests I've been to, they were on the weekends, and I we got the "get a job" kind of stuff too. And I just - what the hell do you say to that? "Check the calendar, dumbasss"?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:13 PM on November 12, 2016 [5 favorites]


Your protest tweets have been heartening, The Whelk. Thank you for that.
posted by colt45 at 2:19 PM on November 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


Watching both my daughters walk Fifth Avenue today, with ten thousand others, heartened me.
posted by Oyéah at 3:14 PM on November 12, 2016


I'm sleeping in short bursts, and I keep waking up thinking 'ugh I wonder how much canvassing I have to do today, hope there's no hills' and then I remember.

I stumbled back to the office on Tuesday night after making an appearance at the local watch party, half-drunk from the drinks some volunteers had bought me, which was a kind gesture. It had mostly cleared out, even before it got called, because I think people wanted to be with their families when it was well and truly over. I guess I wanted to be with my temporary, cobbled together family, too.

It was just my organizer and my second-favorite organizer when I got there, and I think they might have had a nip of vodka. My boys. They looked stunned and a little hysterical. Then Voldemort gave his victory speech on someone's laptop, and the feed was glitchy and distorted, like some kind of Max Headroom thing. It was some surrealist dystopian nightmare shit, I tell you what.

I went to sleep in my car, out back. My organizer I left sitting at the top of the stairs, in the dark.

I saw my organizer for probably the last time Thursday, to get my stuff out of the office. He told me I'll have a reference, and I told him to not be a total stranger, but I dunno how that's going to play out. (There was an awkward bro-y hug. "That's. Okay. Hugs are weird but okay." "Your face is weird, man, just go with it.") It's so weird, going through this without the people I spent like ten hours a day with for the last three months. Weird and shitty and alienating. I met up with some of the local democrats today and they're probably going to vote me into the local committee, so I'll at least be involved here.

And I dunno how long I want to stay in southwest Virginia, but I have to find a job that pays money. And after this I don't think I can go back to being a barista, not if I can organize. And I can fucking well organize. I think I have a moral obligation to do so, if I can. Hopefully the democrats here know of some local non profit that needs a footsolider.

I miss the office, my crew, already. I miss our shared slang, the rocking chairs on the front porch, even the demon toilet. We would slip up from time to time and call it home-- as in, "hey, would you pick up some air freshener on the way home?" And for me, it really was. I would have missed those things even if we'd won, but this-- it's heartbreaking in a way I don't think I've been heartbroken before.
posted by dogheart at 3:22 PM on November 12, 2016 [25 favorites]


For my sanity's sake, I've installed the Word Replacer II extension in Chrome. No more 'T' word. Currently, any mention of the 'T' word in text is reading as 'Bumhead'.
posted by Thella at 4:16 PM on November 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


Am listening to "Prairie Home Companion" now, and they are ending the episode with the host singing "This Land Is Your Land", and he is doing every single verse.

And I am managing not to cry at the thought that eight years ago, Pete Seegar sang it himself at Obama's first inauguration.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:57 PM on November 12, 2016 [11 favorites]


If you want to be angry, this helped me. I'm going to say, possible trigger warning. Also NSFW.

Hunter S Thompson, as always, spot on.
posted by Splunge at 5:07 PM on November 12, 2016 [4 favorites]



Well today I'm coping by forcing myself out of the comfort zone that I've created around myself. In my day to day social media existence I'm totally boring and blah, to the point where I don't do much beyond the random cat picture. When I was last super activisty social media didn't exist like it does today. Then I went through some really tough years in which to survive mentally and emotionally had to retreat more into myself and protect myself. I also went into super conflict avoidance mode for the most part and only responded to the most egregious displays.

Metafilter was pretty much only real place that I talked politics or talk in great detail about social issues. I started to come out of this stage over the past year. Today I took a deep breath and yeah, speaking out loudly Jalli is back and frankly is better then ever. I'm older wiser and give way less fucks and that's kinda awesome. Still hard though because habit is habit and I hesitate about' making people upset at me,' it's ingrained and hard to shake off.

It's not much but it does make me feel better.
posted by Jalliah at 5:26 PM on November 12, 2016 [11 favorites]


I'm somewhat sorry for posting here because I'm not even American and I've got the privilege to avoid this, but damn the last few days have been rough. Mostly on my social media, all the smug white guys busting out hot takes about how 'if only the crooked DNC had gone with Bernie', or mocking people for feeling sad, whining about protestors (and ignoring actual Redcap violence). The whole cool, privileged, self-entitled 'I'm so above this all, let's look at from 1000 feet like it doesn't actually affect real people'. Not even Trumpists, is the worse thing - just average, maybel left-leaning, guys. Had to de-friend a couple of these fuckers, and there will be more. [And sorry, I know there are many many LGBQT, or POC, or female MeFites for whom this isn't exactly news].
posted by Pink Frost at 5:59 PM on November 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


So, I had minor surgery yesterday that turned slightly more major. I've been on oxy for the last 24 hours since the anesthesia wore off, so right now, time is pretty random.
posted by Sophie1 at 6:07 PM on November 12, 2016 [9 favorites]


One of my best friends tried to leave her kid with me this morning with no notice. Something was really wrong. She's had drug problems and seemed so off that I wouldn't let her leave. I took her keys and got in her way and that's not saying much cause I'm having neurological problems and she could kick my ass and she started to and just broke down.

I put Hole on. She'd never heard it, she was 5 when it was released. It's the angriest most perfect thing to listen to right now. The kids were jumping on the couch.

We taught the kids blackjack and ate navy bean soup and garlic bread for lunch and she apologized for punching me and was glad I didn't let her leave. The kids blurted their two cents and seemed relieved.

We watched Mad Max: Fury Road after dinner and nobody got off the couch for anything.

She went out to get stuff for breakfast and her daughter came up behind while I was doing dishes and hugged me and everything felt alright for a minute.

I think we all know what we must be willing to do now: Take care of each other and resist.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 6:28 PM on November 12, 2016 [48 favorites]


Get a job. Get another job. Get a third job. Work until you're numb. It seems like the message isn't "be economically productive" as much as "stop trying to be anything but economically productive", sometimes. I'm starting to think that there's an act of rebellion here just in having a life outside of that.

I made a frozen lasagna tonight and it felt like a huge achievement. I don't fault anybody for having a hard time sleeping, but I'm definitely in a position of having a harder time staying awake. I've been focusing so hard on getting stuff moved and aside from that I've been trying to zone out with Stardew Valley and going to bed at 8:30pm is starting to seem like a viable life choice.
posted by Sequence at 6:41 PM on November 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


Up at 4am today, mind racing with worries about my dad's health and how the likely defunding of Medicare is going to make dealing with any of this worse. Got out of bed at 6am, went to the gym (I didn't want to, but between seeing how my father's health declined and worrying about the possibility of losing my insurance, pushing myself to get exercise has been a thing), then volunteered at the conference for rural trans people. I worked the check-in desk for the first few hours, and I was delighted to tell every single attendee, "I'm so glad you're here," and to mean it on multiple levels.

I was also assigned to help with childcare, and then to be present for a Spanish-language group (I don't speak Spanish, though I kind of understand it), so that, on top of the exercise and the lack of sleep, means I'm now exhausted, but I'm still anxious and panicky and not really seeing sleep happening any time soon.

But I'm glad I got to help today.
posted by lazuli at 6:58 PM on November 12, 2016 [7 favorites]


Today was wonderful and terrible.

My kidlet is 13. Today, she found out that this week, a "nice" white boy at her nice mostly white middle school, the boy that seemed sweet and respectful for over a year, a friend (until today) had texted one of her black friends post-election and asked for a sexy nude picture, and her friend was feeling horrible and downtrodden and awful.

And then she paused and said, "Mom? Can I have some time on the phone to do something for her?" And I said sure, of course sure, I'm sorry the world is horrible.

She was busy with her phone for half an hour and then came up smiling.

I asked her what had changed, what had happened.

She said "Remember you were making all those calls with your woman friends from the Internet?" (Hillary call team) "I realized having a woman army was a good idea, so I asked permission and then I texted all my tough friends who have lunch period with this guy, and we're going to confront him together because this is not okay."

And then I came up smiling and showed her my secret ice cream stash and felt a lot better.
posted by corb at 7:13 PM on November 12, 2016 [94 favorites]


Some of you posted about cleaning your house, so that's what I'm doing. It took me until today to start - at 9 pm, after some yelling from my sister who lives halfway across the country - but I'm trying. It's something to force myself out of this numbness and stop myself from sitting around on the internet all day. (She says...taking a break to post on Metafilter. Oops.) And I don't think growing new lifeforms in my sink is a particularly healthy form of coping.

These stages of grief are really not linear, are they? I can't believe the election was only a few days away.

I've talked with local friends who are also ready to Get Out and Do Something to try to make things better. I don't know what form that will take yet, but I'm determined that it not stop with talking. It's just so hard and overwhelming and seemingly impossible. How do you face knowing that almost half of this country (or rather, almost half of the ones who voted) chose this with their eyes wide open? I know the answer is probably to start small and local, but...yeah.

The good news - our Texas county went defiantly blue, by a larger percentage than has been seen in years, and that had a definite impact on local races. It wasn't enough to turn the state, but I choose to believe we'll get there eventually.

I found the local chapter of Pantsuit Nation, so I'm going to see what happens with that. I'm going with a "fake it till you make it" approach with regards to my job and self-care, because it's pretty much all I've got right now. And I'm going to keep coming back here, because you all make it better.
posted by Salieri at 7:21 PM on November 12, 2016 [5 favorites]


I was hit by a car crossing a street in Manhattan. The time between seeing the car that would certainly hit me and realizing that I was out of options... That time went on forever. This is what the time between Obama and That Which Shall Never Be Named feels like. Between now and the new now feels like it's going to be forever. But it won't be forever. One day I woke up with a police officer squeezing my hand and asking me my name. And who was the president. I said, "That asshole Bush."

Now it is so different yet so much the same.

The moment of the car turned into months in a hospital. Then months of various surgeries. Then months of rehab.

But that was just me. I survived. I transcended. I got better. Now it's not me that was slammed upon the hood of a car, by a woman that said she didn't see me because she was changing her radio station.

Now it's my country. Which was... I dunno. I want to come up with a glib comparison. I got nothing.
posted by Splunge at 7:42 PM on November 12, 2016 [12 favorites]


I went to a protest and there was a guy with a MAGA hat open carrying an assault rifle and we all just turned our backs to him so that felt really good. One guy asked him why he brought his gun and he said something about being afraid that we would get out of hand or something and the guy said, "Dude. We're liberals. We don't have the guns." Which of course isn't 100% true but damn it was perfect and funny.

At one point the Trump protest merged with a #blm protest (hung jury in a cop vs. black man trial which should have AT LEAST been manslaughter if not murder) and it was AMAZING. We all came together and it felt so concrete and productive.

I'm still up and down, mostly down. I rode the high of the protest and went to the grocery store. Around dinner time my husband asked what I was going to cook (I do all the cooking because I love to and because he is terrible at it but mostly because I love it) and I said "Meh." Couple minutes later, he called out from the kitchen, "What can I do to help with dinner, love?" and I know he's hurting too but that? That is true love and damn it, reader, I made breakfast for dinner. Including pancakes.

Also? If Hillary Badass Rodham Clinton can fucking walk her dog in the woods the day after Armageddon, I can sure as hell can get off my ass and Get Shit Done.
posted by cooker girl at 7:47 PM on November 12, 2016 [25 favorites]


SNL's cold open wrecked me.
posted by erratic meatsack at 10:37 PM on November 12, 2016 [21 favorites]


SNL's cold open wrecked me.

Holy. Fuck.

The only thing wrong with that is that in some number of years in the future (and I hope it really is years into the future, rather than, like, months), people won't understand why it hits where it hits.

Holy. Damn.
posted by mudpuppie at 10:49 PM on November 12, 2016 [3 favorites]


I really thought I was at the "I can hold myself together for a while" stage, but I can't stop replaying that and sobbing.

Jesus fuck. What this year could have been...
posted by erratic meatsack at 11:06 PM on November 12, 2016 [3 favorites]


Mornings are the worst for me.

When I sleep, I forget. As soon as I wake up, it all comes rushing back.

The first day, I hardly got out of bed. I barely ate. At first, I was able to excuse it as the result of the late night I'd had, but the next day was little better. My stomach was in knots. It was hard to keep food down. I'm still hit by sudden waves of nausea. Looking at the news always triggers it, but sometimes something else will, randomly, unexpectedly.

I recognize that I'm depressed. For the first time since I was in an abusive relationship. I find myself convinced that every absolute-worst-case scenario is going to come to pass. Things I can't even bring myself to write. I have no hope. Right now, I am literally taking solace in the idea that, if I die, I've had a good life. And that if humanity kills itself off, the universe is vast beyond imagining and there are, there must be, other islands of life besides our own and somewhere, somehow, things will continue.

There have been bright spots. My spouse has been a rock, and I love her deeply. I put up a facebook post just trying to connect with old friends, just asking for people to say hi, and 72 people responded. A friend who does not touch people much gave me a hug, for the first time. This thread has helped.

I'm an expat in the UK, and after Brexit we discussed the possibility of moving back to the states. Unless Trump gets elected, we said. Then we'll stay.

I still want to be of help. To somebody. Yesterday I walked past an organization that helps the homeless and there was a sign on their door saying they were closed today because they didn't have enough volunteers. So I sent them an e-mail, asking to volunteer.

I am starting to feel better, day by day. But I'm not all the way there yet.
posted by kyrademon at 2:00 AM on November 13, 2016 [18 favorites]


I've just gotten to the bottom of this now, what with having to stop every now and then in my reading to absorb the grief and fear in your stories. The rage and the shame I feel at the fact that anyone has to experience that in our America has been so overwhelming that I haven't really gotten to my own grief and fear, and now that's finally showing up.

Somebody in one of these threads — I can't find it now, otherwise I'd surely thank you — explained that this is exactly why the Jewish tradition of shiva, or mourning for the dead, goes on over a full seven days, to give all of these braided feelings time to settle out. I've never fully appreciated the wisdom of that before. I sure do now.

I don't really have that much that's useful to add, except to say how grateful I am for this community and its moderators. You've been a source of considerable strength and comfort to me, all through these awful, hallucinatory days, a big part of what's kept me going so I can hopefully be an aid and comfort to others.

I guess that's the last thing I want to say. I've seen a few pieces, posted here and elsewhere, really ripping into the idea of the safety pin worn as a visible sign of solidarity. I'm sure you've seen them — they have headlines like, "Fuck your safety pins," or "White people, your safety pins embarrass you." I have unlimited love and respect for the people I see posting these articles, but I really disagree with them, and think they might be undercutting one of the few channels we have of expressing concern for and commitment to one another.

Maybe it's different on this side of the Atlantic, but I know from conversations I've had with people around London — vulnerable people, recent immigrants, POC — that there can be a powerful lifeline in knowing that white and white-passing people do not constitute a monolithic and unremittingly hostile ethnic-nationalist bloc. (And these weren't Tom-Friedman-talking-with-his-cabdriver "conversations," either, where I'd gone in with a thesis born of privilege, and heard only what I wanted to hear in response. This was real talk.)

I'm sure there are some who'll stick a safety pin in their lapel, go no further, and feel that as some kind of expiation and discharge from further responsibility. They'll make it their profile picture, and sit back in smug satisfaction. I'm sure that does happen, has already happened, will continue to happen. But speaking as someone whose white privilege has always been contingent and revocable at any hour, I need to know who I can look to for backup when things turn ugly, whether on the bus, in the pub or on the street. And I know I'm not alone in this.

I understand the critique. I do. But I hope we don't let cynicism, or disgust at shallow gestures and the blitheness of privilege, rob us of an effective channel to demonstrate our commitment to one another, at a moment when we need it most (and some of us need it far more acutely than others). Symbols matter. Communication matters. Feeling like you're not alone against the storm matters. Solidarity matters.

Thanks for letting me rant. I'm so grateful for this space. May we continue to be there for each other, psychically, practically and materially, in all the difficult years to come. There's nothing I can imagine being more fulfilling than being a part of that and contributing to it, in whatever way I'm able.
posted by adamgreenfield at 4:28 AM on November 13, 2016 [13 favorites]


I'm fortunate enough to be self-employed and have family that are just as appalled at the idea of the coming four years as I am, but it has been hard. Like you, kyrademon, I recognize the depression starting to kick in, and while I also recognize that I need to get my behind in gear and start doing more than donating, it is frustrating getting started.

I'm having a hard time going from reading too much outrage online and finding something concrete to do. If anyone here is in Houston and has any ideas, feel free to memail and let me know of anything. Been frustrating as hell finding stuff on Facebook beyond oh, hey, it'll be fun to go to the march. Oh, if D.C. is too expensive, I'll help pay for your lunch to go to Austin. What the fuck?

Sorry. Needed to vent that, I guess.
posted by not that mimi at 4:30 AM on November 13, 2016


Maybe it's different on this side of the Atlantic, but I know from conversations I've had with people around London — vulnerable people, recent immigrants, POC — that there can be a powerful lifeline in knowing that white and white-passing people do not constitute a monolithic and unremittingly hostile ethnic-nationalist bloc. (And these weren't Tom-Friedman-talking-with-his-cabdriver "conversations," either, where I'd gone in with a thesis born of privilege, and heard only what I wanted to hear in response. This was real talk.)

I'm sure there are some who'll stick a safety pin in their lapel, go no further, and feel that as some kind of expiation and discharge from further responsibility. They'll make it their profile picture, and sit back in smug satisfaction. I'm sure that does happen, has already happened, will continue to happen. But speaking as someone whose white privilege has always been contingent and revocable at any hour, I need to know who I can look to for backup when things turn ugly, whether on the bus, in the pub or on the street. And I know I'm not alone in this.


I actually read one of the dissent-to-safety-pins articles this morning which made a pretty good point. It wasn't so much "don't wear the safety pin out of white guilt you privilieged privligy person", it was more "okay, wearing a safety pin means you are a safe ally, but let's examine what that means."

It prompted you to examine what you would do if you were out in public, safety pin on your coat, and saw the guys hassling a woman in a hijab and she saw you and saw the safety pin and ran over to you for help. Would you have a plan for how to help? Do you know techniques to de-escalate a situation? Are you usually traveling with a spouse or partner, and have you made a deal about which one of you will talk to the people and which one will get out the cameraphone and start making a video just in case? Do you know how to throw a punch if need be to defend yourself if the aggressors start swinging? Do you know what will happen to your kids if you're out with them and this happens? How will they get to safety?

And most importantly - it pointed out that this is a symbol that is supposed to be a show of support for all the vulnerable, so if you come to the assistance of the Sikh guy but not the guy in full drag, or vice versa, then...you're missing the point.

I haven't put a safety pin on my coat yet, but mostly because I'm not really one for public-statements-on-the-lapel anyway. Even back in the 80s and 90s I think I only had a red ribbon for AIDS awareness on my coat for a few months. But I know that i am mouthy enough that I'd want to sass back at harassers in a situation, and this made me think about how to become more strategic about that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:30 AM on November 13, 2016 [9 favorites]


It prompted you to examine what you would do if you were out in public, safety pin on your coat, and saw the guys hassling a woman in a hijab and she saw you and saw the safety pin and ran over to you for help. Would you have a plan for how to help?

Yeah, I saw one of those too, and I think that's excellent advice. And the point about being safe for all who need safety is also right on. In donning a symbol like that, you're committing yourself to something that you might have to see through, with some consequences that can be predicted and others which just cannot. That's all worth pointing out.

I'm not saying anyone has to pander to the neuroses of those who the entire culture is already set up to cater to, not at all. But I think all the points you make can be brought out, and brought home, in a way that doesn't shame anyone for trying their damndest to be a decent human being in an hour when simple decency often doesn't feel very thick on the ground.

I'm sorry for stumbling into what's beginning to feel like a derail, even this late in the thread. The very last thing I want to do right now, or ever, is raise any more barriers for anyone struggling to make sense of the desperately cruel reality we find ourselves plunged into. I love you all, and want only to do right by that love.
posted by adamgreenfield at 6:21 AM on November 13, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm not saying anyone has to pander to the neuroses of those who the entire culture is already set up to cater to, not at all. But I think all the points you make can be brought out, and brought home, in a way that doesn't shame anyone for trying their damndest to be a decent human being in an hour when simple decency often doesn't feel very thick on the ground.

That's actually somethign I appreciated about this article, is that it didn't do that. It's coming from more of a "let's not make the situation worse by having you be naive about what this means" kind of thing. The author addresses the "no shame on you if you can't do this" bit here:
So, no one like to think about this part but we need to. Can you throw a punch? Can you take a punch? Can you win a violent altercation? Can you hold your own long enough for the authorities to get there, assuming that the authorities can be trusted to help you? Are you willing to be beaten in place of another human being?

I am not judging you if you are not. Most people aren’t. A~ and I were in the military and once you are in, you’re never not a soldier. We are, and always have been willing to lay down our lives for others. Not everyone is us. Not everyone is able to risk what we risk. And that’s OK. But you need to know that if you step up for part of the responsibility the rest of the responsibility may be thrust upon you.
The tone was more like, "okay, this is more than just a lapel pin, this time it has some fine print and you maybe should look at that first this time".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:42 AM on November 13, 2016 [10 favorites]


I think the sticking point for a lot of people after reading that article is that say, for example, you maybe don't think you can win a violent altercation, or you are unsure how you'd feel about getting into one... that doesn't (to my read) mean you shouldn't wear a pin. But that's where the difference lies. Is it saying "I will try" (with the caveat that you should know what trying might entail) or is it saying "I will succeed"? The internet can be full of a lot of least-effort people performing various levels of pretend effort, and that may be where the backlash is coming from, but just because you're not a soldier doesn't mean you can't play a role in helping vulnerable people be safer. Some of the weird feelings some people are having in this post-election world are literally about how to be a helper, and it's important to clarify messages about what it means to be helpful.

As adamgreenfield says I love you all and want only to do right by that love. Talking out these issues with respect can help.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 7:00 AM on November 13, 2016 [17 favorites]


Thanks for the article link, Empress.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:22 AM on November 13, 2016


I'm feeling scared and sick and angry.

Also, I am an American abroad and I would really like it if people would stop fucking ironically congratulating me on my next president. Because I'm only a hair or two away from responding to that particular "joke" with, "FUCK OFF, ASSHOLE." But I know that if I do that I'm going to be met with protestations that it was "just a joke," and I just can't deal with it right now.
posted by colfax at 7:32 AM on November 13, 2016 [9 favorites]


It prompted you to examine what you would do if you were out in public, safety pin on your coat, and saw the guys hassling a woman in a hijab and she saw you and saw the safety pin and ran over to you for help. Would you have a plan for how to help?

My Mom is wearing a safety pin today. It really is fairly symbolic in the area that we live in because, it's not very diverse at all (one of the drawbacks for me). I gave her a bit of a grilling about it. Are you prepared to do something if someone needs help? Are you prepared to speak up and intervene if you see something?

Add now I'm very proud of her. She said very defiantly 'Yes I am. And I've even been studying how to do it." She said she's in a group on her Facebook and they're been sharing resources on how to be an ally, how to properly intervene if someone is being harassed and the best things they can say or do. She also said and it's also good because when my friends ask me why I'm wearing it I will be able to tell them and that's a good thing. I also have a bunch in my purse to hand out.

She's 72 and I think she's been radicalized.

Oh and as she was walking out the door to church "Jalli I left the pin box upstairs on my beside table. You better wear one too."

I felt like I needed to salute her with a 'Yes M'am'
posted by Jalliah at 7:33 AM on November 13, 2016 [39 favorites]


I'm having a hard time going from reading too much outrage online and finding something concrete to do.

My advice: get outside. Go for a walk. Ride a bike. Do something physical to take your mind off things. I'm a cyclist and my natural reaction to stress is to ride long miles. It works wonders.
posted by photoslob at 7:38 AM on November 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


The We Who Defy Hate Curriculum from Meadville Lombard Theological School wasn't precisely what I was looking for in terms of a "what now?" handbook, but I am still very glad I stumbled across it.
posted by ob1quixote at 7:44 AM on November 13, 2016 [2 favorites]


This came up in our discussions during the March, we must have zero tolerance for collaboration with this government.

There is no reconciling, there is no coming together, there is no putting aside our differences. The incoming government is a fascist white supremacist government snd must be treated as hostile and alien. It must be starved of its ability to act. People who work with it or try to normalize it must be treated as augments of it.

There is no healing. There is no being reasonable. Do not forget what they want to do.
posted by The Whelk at 7:45 AM on November 13, 2016 [28 favorites]


I'm having a hard time going from reading too much outrage online and finding something concrete to do. If anyone here is in Houston and has any ideas, feel free to memail and let me know of anything.

I'm not in Houston, but I suspect there are probably a lot of groups in that area who can use live volunteers. If you can't find a group that can take volunteers but you can find a way to raise or generate money, whether it's by delivering pizza or doing contract work or selling crafts, even more groups can use donations. Put time and effort into taking care of your body and your finances so that if you find an opportunity where you're needed, you'll be able to help. Learn first aid and CPR. Learn productive skills. If you have productive skills, teach other people in your community.

That's my starting point, anyway.
posted by Sequence at 7:46 AM on November 13, 2016


One concrete thing is to contact organizations that deal with the groups who are most threatened, immigrants, muslims, planned parenthood poor POC, etc and ask them directly, what do you need to keep people alive?

A lot of times that's just going to money to provide services but you know, if every outraged person gave ten bucks ...
posted by The Whelk at 7:53 AM on November 13, 2016 [3 favorites]


It prompted you to examine what you would do if you were out in public, safety pin on your coat, and saw the guys hassling a woman in a hijab and she saw you and saw the safety pin and ran over to you for help.

I have to admit I've been a little not taking the safety pin seriously, because it seemed to me a little bit like the yellow ribbon pins everyone used to wear once the war started. This has me really reconsidering it - because honestly, I kind of am that person. I have done de-escalation training and also I can engage in the physical defense to get someone away. I am really a pretty good person to run to, actually, but because I'm a woman who is often in heels, people don't always know that, or might not know I would be ready, willing and able to.

And it's the job I'll take on even if I'm not wearing a safety pin, but I might not /know/ what's happening if it's not obvious.
posted by corb at 7:56 AM on November 13, 2016 [11 favorites]


I recommend at least two years of brutal martial arts, or street fighting training, in a little school somewhere. I recommend you find a good trainer, who doesn't teach canned whoop ass, so there is some overall physical conditioning, and creative management of the physics of each individual situation. Not a lot of talk, some comfortable social space. Do not be afraid to get hurt, at least it is in a semi-controlled environment. Just knowing that you know this makes it easier to act in someone's behalf, even your own.

Don't listen to people's stupid shit about this election. Tell them straight up they are idiots. They have never heard Clinton speak, no nothing about current events, or her work history, and have no experience with her to know whether or not she lies. Tell them they are idiots, and they have never read the US Constitution. They have no idea whether or not Obama endangered that document. Tell them that AM Radio is not a history book, or reliable source for current events. If they are too lazy to read for themselves then they don't deserve a listen.

I just finished up doing this, on my own front porch. I didn't need the martial arts.
posted by Oyéah at 8:13 AM on November 13, 2016 [4 favorites]


This came up in our discussions during the March, we must have zero tolerance for collaboration with this government.

There is no reconciling, there is no coming together, there is no putting aside our differences. The incoming government is a fascist white supremacist government snd must be treated as hostile and alien. It must be starved of its ability to act. People who work with it or try to normalize it must be treated as augments of it.


The civil service does not work for the President - whether it's Obama or Trump. They work for the people. And they literally swear an oath to protect and defend the Constitution.

Please keep in mind that the federal bureaucracy is like a huge ship. The more career civil servants who stay, the harder a time these new forces will have turning this ship the 180 degrees they seem to want to. I for one want people who are ethical, who are experienced, and who care about civil service to stay.

Trump has already threatened to freeze hiring across the federal government. Civil servants who leave are leaving behind an empty chair. Empty chairs can't keep Medicare and Medicaid working, can't regulate our economy, can't make sure our food is safe, can't make sure veterans are getting mental health services, can't do all the things that federal workers (often invisibly) do to keep this country running.

I prayed the day after the election that everyone in Congress would push with all their might to do the right thing. I hope for the same with those working for the government in nonpartisan positions. If you are in the civil service and debating what to do, I plead with you to stay and wait. If the moment comes where you are ordered to take a step that is against your values or goes against your oath to protect and defend the people and the Constitution, resign then and leave in as loud and splashy a way as you can.
posted by sallybrown at 8:17 AM on November 13, 2016 [24 favorites]



I just CAN'T with so many so things right now. I was raised to loathe guns, and that's had an impact on my relationship with my gun-owning boyfriend. For the most part his gun ownership is something, because he's responsible with the gun safe and all that, I accept with grumbling. But something came up with target shooting this weekend and I was like this is not okay. This is not okay. This. Is. Not. Okay. THIS IS NOT OKAY. Until it will go down as one of our worst fights. My boyfriend was pretty much hiding from me for a day until I dragged him out and was like look I'm sorry but you have to understand my relationship with the NRA has gone from why you motherfuckers to WHY YOU MOTHERFUCKERS in the span of a week, and I can't right now and that's all you need to get.

This is just me as a disabled white female leftist who well there are good reasons why I'm seriously freaked out by Trump the man and Trump the president, I just CANNOT grok how federal scientists, LGBTQ folk, Muslim folk, and Latino folks with immigration issues are getting anything done right now.

I mean I'm pretty much open to my students saying, ms. angrycat, I can't write my paper because of the election and I would be like God be with you my child.
posted by angrycat at 8:55 AM on November 13, 2016


Yesterday we went on a long hike, didn't check the news for hours, and talked a little about what our engagement in politics could look like, post-election, but mostly just cleared our heads.

Today I woke up to Facebook pictures of swastikas on the doors of an international student and interracial couple in Ann Arbor, which, upon closer examination, are clearly doors from the apartment complex we lived in from 2012-2014.

Then I subtweeted (subFBed?) my probably-didn't-vote-for-Trump, longtime Hillary-hating MIL about how of course, this story is really a distraction from the most pressing issue of the day, civility in post-election discourse. The only thing she's posted on Facebook since the election was this, and I managed not to respond to it last night but I'm not a fucking saint.
posted by deludingmyself at 9:11 AM on November 13, 2016 [6 favorites]


I haven't even been able to collect my thoughts; these last several days have been a blur. I'm still sick, though much improved. My entire family (white-bread, Republican, think the politically correct liberals are crybabies) has devolved into a huge Facebook war with my best friend (gay, Latino, progressive) and so many hurtful words are being said.

I had a two-hour conversation with my mom trying to explain to her why she shouldn't take umbrage at the concept of her having privilege and heard a few things that really broke my heart, like that she truly thinks she deserves and has earned every good thing that has happened to her and has no gratitude or sense of luck for the circumstances that have produced good things in her life, and that people who don't have those things are just lazy and don't work hard enough. The values disconnect is fundamental, and in a way I always knew this, but it's my own mother, you know? How can I coexist with someone I no longer respect? We were always this divided, of course, but we never addressed it...

Anyway. I'm surviving on a diet that would make a college student blush, and NO work has gotten done, and I watched The Crown but it just made me sad, and the days are so short and I don't know how I will ever heal, or even if I want to heal. I'm reminding myself that grief isn't linear, it's a process, and that you can experience all phases concurrently or be stuck in one for a while or go through them in a weird order.

It just is what it is, but God this is painful. I'm so grateful for the supports I do have, and for this thread.
posted by mynameisluka at 9:30 AM on November 13, 2016 [11 favorites]


For anyone who's in the fight-back stage of coping/grief about the election and who uses Reddit, a new subreddit has been created to support and organize for a Blue wave in the 2018 midterms.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 9:51 AM on November 13, 2016 [5 favorites]


I watched the results with my 18 year old son -- his first voting experience -- while also texting my two daughters, 24 and 22. My eldest is gay and just got engaged.

At 2:00 in the morning, my eldest texted, "Oh my God Mom, he's going to win."

I say with no exaggeration that her eight-word text broke my heart.

And to further compound this deep and impenetrable pain, both my mother and her husband voted for Trump. They knew what he said about gay marriage and still gave him their support. I don't know what to do with this, short-term. I do not want to speak with my mother (one brief email exchange where she screamed "BENGHAZI" was all I needed) and I most definitely do not want to have her join my Thanksgiving feast.

I need to be positive, work towards peace, and show my children how to choose love and family. I need to set an example of love for my children and try to take the high road. But what is the high road when my mother threw her own grandchildren to the wolves?

I despise what my mother did. If I can't even count on my goddamned mother to protect the family, how do I ever trust or speak to her again? I can't find any good solution. I cut her; I'm the bad guy closing doors. I have her spend Thanksgiving with us, I show my children that we can still be with family members who want to take away our civil rights.

What's the right call?
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:08 AM on November 13, 2016 [8 favorites]


I'd lean towards cutting her, with clear explanation of what her actions did to your family.

A third option I've seen is if she takes ownership of her actions. Can't remember where I saw this, but someone said something like "I voted for Clinton, which means I voted for things I don't like, like drone bombings. So it's on me to protest those policies, and try to get them overturned". So (maybe?) you could straight up ask your mother to protest the anti-gay and racist parts of Trump's platform. If she won't even do that, then yeah, cut her. I'm so sorry.

[All of this is real damn easy for me to say, of course. But I've seen others in the same situation as you who are cutting people off].
posted by Pink Frost at 11:25 AM on November 13, 2016 [5 favorites]


What's the right call?

Ask your eldest what she thinks and whether she would feel comfortable with your mother being there. Perhaps she would prefer to have her there and confront her with what that vote meant. Or perhaps she would feel unprotected to have her there. I think you owe more deference to your child than to your mother or to the people urging everyone to talk it out (easy to say when it's not your family).

I would say, whatever you decide, make it about this one occasion; don't feel the need to make a blanket "ok" or "you're done."
posted by sallybrown at 11:51 AM on November 13, 2016 [5 favorites]


bookmammal: I'm glad you're getting support at work re: the election results. It's far too hard to go it alone when you're grieving. Speaking of which -- hugs and hand squeezes to you over the loss of your kitty. Please take care of yourself as far as the basics of life go (eating, sleeping, spending time with friends, etc). You'll be in my thoughts.

The Whelk About that pic: Style and commitment to peaceful insurrection are not a contradiction in terms. I think I love you!

corb Of the people I know, online and IRL, you strike me as one of the ones
who's best equipped, by life experiences and by nature, to defuse conflict. If you're so inclined and you have the bandwidth to do so, you would be a good on-the-street resource for someone who's being targeted.
posted by virago at 11:53 AM on November 13, 2016


I'm in a weird, disassociated limbo state, like I'm having an out-of-body experience or a lucid dream.

On Tuesday I got home just after FL and NC were called, but fell asleep before the final results; when I woke up a little while later I saw the caption on the screen and turned off the TV. It didn't fully sink in, but I called my mom's evening caregiver to tell her that if my mom asked, to say that they were still counting votes. I did that in part so as not to upset my mom, but also because I couldn't bear the thought of spending 14 hours a day explaining the election results and saying that name over and over and over and over and over again because she forgot that she just asked me. Because of this there's a news embargo here and I've personally been virtually news-free since Tuesday. The down side is that I don't really have anything close to closure and mentally I'm way behind everyone else on the grief scale.

The dismay in my laid-back and friendly, dark blue neighborhood is palpable. People seem stunned. Attempts at small talk conspicuously avoid the news, but even talk about the weather (over 90F this week, wtf) seems forced. Muslim families, with women wearing hajibs and burkas, are a common sight here and I hope this remains a safe place for people to relax and enjoy themselves but we get a lot of out-of-towners here and I am prepared to intervene if this changes. But what finally got to me was this sign in a store window yesterday: its unspoken acknowledgement of our new reality and show of solidarity made me burst into tears.

To all of you that haven't been able to eat, have no fear: I am stress eating for all of you. In the last election thread I talked about how I'd been eating lots of Egg McMuffins. I was looking forward to sharing a picture of my last, celebratory creation, the Big MacMuffin, and going about getting rid of the McMuffin weight, but I have a feeling I'm going to carry these extra few pounds around for a while.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:34 PM on November 13, 2016 [6 favorites]


Gosh! I missed this thread was a thing!

Anyway, we had a party yesterday at our house. "Commiseration and Planning". I had a little exercise for everyone (and a handout -- mefi mail me if you want a copy). Not everyone did the exercise. Not everyone was ready for the planning side, though some are already planning to run for office. But it was really good to have some folks over and talk. Some I'm relatively close to. Others I don't hang with much. Everyone wanted to be with folks. We should really do that more often.
posted by R343L at 12:55 PM on November 13, 2016 [3 favorites]


I came here because I didn't want to feel alone tonight. For various coincidental reasons I was able to travel and blur the last entire week. Today I said out loud that I am afraid. Afraid in a way that only an aging brown woman with no "place called home" can be, reliant on an internet that is pwned, afraid for our collective future, afraid for what kind of world will I be growing old and infirm in, and afraid of a regression of every progress this collective humanity of ours on this planet has made towards equitable dignity and respect for all of every stripe and colour in the past 100 years. All gone. I think of Old Music. I wonder if I will grow old into a new form of slavery.

For this is a planetary grief and a planetary fear. (Except for India, all they can think about right now is that there's been no money for the past three days and taxi fares are being paid in sacks of grain) "leader of the free world"? "superpower of the world" My neighbours and friends worry that he'll serve us to the big bear on a platter. I must change my online life. I hope that metafilter survives the upcoming upheaval on the internet that I can dimly sense is coming to "social" - it will implode under its own botted faked up pointless data generating weight.
posted by infini at 1:05 PM on November 13, 2016 [8 favorites]


Passing this along to those you can use the info:

At my UCC church this morning, the pastor announced the he would forgo his usual fee for any same-sex couples who feel they need to marry quickly before the next administration takes office (Syracuse NY; PM me if you need details). I got the impression that a number of pastors around the country are making the same offer.
posted by maurice at 1:07 PM on November 13, 2016 [12 favorites]


Maurice: it simultaneously makes me feel grateful that pastors are responding in this way--and heartbroken that such an offer even needs to be on the table.
posted by bookmammal at 1:31 PM on November 13, 2016 [3 favorites]


hazyjane, that's so impressive. I will MeMail you also. bookmammal, I'm so sorry about your cat. Rush-That-Speaks, I'm so sorry about your friend. And internet hugs to anyone who needs them.
posted by paduasoy at 1:35 PM on November 13, 2016


I feel broken. I am heartbroken in a way I never expected to feel after an election, despite my many years of being politically involved and working on campaigns. It's worse than when Wellstone died, which was one of the saddest days of my life. There's so much sadness in me. It helps to be in this thread, reading that others are having a hard time too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and struggles.
posted by Burn.Don't.Freeze at 3:31 PM on November 13, 2016 [5 favorites]


Somebody somewhere here wrote or quoted something about Shakespeare, rather than a modern author, as being more appropriate for the time.

I'm thinking of Kent in Lear and his stoicism. His idea that he was completely at the hands of fate, which would swing one way or another, beyond his or any other things control. A randomness that is above any sort of God or anything resembling sentience.

I guess our fate is to be Kent in the stocks at this point in history.
posted by angrycat at 3:43 PM on November 13, 2016 [1 favorite]



Hey all. This may sound really weird but I'm having some self-analysis issues and it's starting to bother me because I can't figure it out. I'm the type that tries look inward a lot to figure out why I feel how I feel and act how I act. I also tend to have a good idea of what I need to do to process and get through difficult things. I know it's related to everything that's going on but I just can't put a finger on where this is coming from and why. And this not understanding is actually upsetting me. So I thought I'd just come here, write about and maybe someone has insight because it really is wtfing me.

Since this morning I've had this desire to cuddle under my blankets and watch Band of Brothers again. I seen this show twice, once when it came out and once a couple of years ago. It's not like it's some sort of all time favorite or anything. I did like it. Am I experiencing some sort of warped American nostalgia thing? I'm Canadian! And why in the heck do I want to watch war at a time like this? I don't get it.

Anyways I'm going to watch it because that's what I feel I need for some reason so I will turn it on. I dunno. This is just so weird. *sigh*
posted by Jalliah at 4:15 PM on November 13, 2016 [2 favorites]


In case it's helpful to anyone, from Trans Relief Project:
Given the results of the election here in the US, we are aiming to help as many US-based trans people get their paperwork / legal documents (especially passports) in order in the time they have to do so before the rules surrounding those documents change. We’re primarily focused on giving financial aid to people who need it as soon as possible so they can accomplish what they need to in the time they have. We view this as the most direct way we can help people. Passports are the most important because we have the most certainty that the rules surrounding those will change. Name changes are a state to state issue, so those are less urgent (but we still want to help if we can).
posted by lazuli at 4:18 PM on November 13, 2016 [6 favorites]


Yesterday I marched.

Yesterday I watched the local tribe bless us, and the ground, and what we did. I watched them ask the world to give us purity, cleansing, and strength to come together and create unity and justice.

Yesterday, I watched young women and men of color give speeches and talk about their despair, hope, and determination. I watched them set a tone of unity and peace. I watched them coordinate skillfully with local government and law enforcement, and take steps to ensure the safety of everyone.

Yesterday I marched down the middle of the street in the middle of the day carrying a sign I'd carefully made the day before. I marched with "#BlackLivesMatter" on one side and "Bread and Roses" on the other. I chanted the chants I agreed with. I was silent when I was tired or unsure of the chant. It was a long walk and halfway through there was a long pause so we could take a break and rest. We grew as we walked.

Yesterday, I reminded white people to not engage. I listened to white men call dismissing others without listening or thinking "discussion". I listened to white men talk amongst themselves about how the large and diverse group marching together were ignorant and had no idea why we were marching. I waited for them to walk away.

Yesterday, I participated enthusiastically when #BlackLivesMatter became the chant, and listened with an odd sense of power when the march leaders with microphones tried to change the chant and we ignored them.

Yesterday, I watched a white male reporter from our local paper pull aside the white male Trump "protesters" (read: people standing there and frowning, sometimes wearing swag or a flag) for a long series of quotes that didn't stop even when the closing prayers were underway. I hissed at them to shut up because people were praying, and they did.

Yesterday, I ignored a man who knew he disliked what my sign said but not why. I listened to him stammer his way through his revulsion and come up with nothing better than references to Obamacare and Change on a sneering tone.

Yesterday, I watched another white man "on my side" engage and insult the first white man while he ignored me. I watched another woman step in with me to redirect and educate him on the importance of not reacting that way because it felt good and was fun. I was reminded of other white men telling all of us to not behave like this while the majority doing so were white men.

I don't know what I felt then, listening to these two white men interact while I walked away. Pity? Contempt? Fear? Annoyance? Irritation? I was so aware yesterday of how the ignorant but loud statements of white men have always been imposed on me in that same tone of smug surety. I was so aware of how certain they have always been, all of them, that they knew better than I did. Were more right than I was. Men who love me. Men who don't care about me. Men who hate me. All of them this same sure knowledge that I must be ignorant because they must never be. All of them with this same sure knowledge that what they found enjoyable must also be good and worthy. Whether they are "on my side" or not, they treat me the same way.

Yesterday I walked back to my car alone. I gave out gasping replies of "Just because you say the lives of one group matter doesn't mean you're saying other lives don't matter." I ignored the racist comments and smiled at the waves and raised fists. I was grateful for the patience of the woman behind me up those last flights of stairs as my legs were giving out.

Today I dust off my legal identity, and join my local groups. I'm proud of the youth in my area, of their determination, wisdom, and resolve. I want to follow them. I want to learn from them.
posted by Deoridhe at 4:52 PM on November 13, 2016 [18 favorites]


Bright note - on Wednesday there was a Muslim student at Baylor University who was attacked on the sidwalk by a passerby who tried to tear her hijab off.

On Friday, the entire student body turned up to walk her to her classes.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:54 PM on November 13, 2016 [15 favorites]


On top of everything else, I have caught a cold, so I feel horrendous in a multidimensional way. My brain's in a bit of a scramble while I struggle to get all of my paperwork in line and get myself pointed toward any kind of tangible future.

I'm heartbroken, but my heart was breaking in the lead up to the election results and I've seen more light since than prior. Although a Trump victory, and a victory of any hate-mongering far right bigot anywhere, is an enormous blow to humanity, it was a narrow victory and there have been a lot of people coming out of the woodwork to offer what help they can. They shouldn't have to; we should have a society in which everyone has enough support and safety net that charity is redundant. But the very spirit of that is a comfort, right now.

I keep thinking of the Fred Rogersism to, "look for the helpers," in the wake of disaster. It never felt true before.

I'm not a big believer in accelerationism or the idea of a long-term good buried in a short-term crisis; even if there's any truth to it, people will suffer. Still, it's been heartening to see and hear from people fighting back, reaching out and taking care of each other.
posted by byanyothername at 5:05 PM on November 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


On Friday, the entire student body turned up to walk her to her classes.

Thanks for posting this.
posted by Jalliah at 5:07 PM on November 13, 2016 [5 favorites]


Tonight feels bleak. I've got the Sunday Scaries x 5000. A month ago I would have been so excited for tonight's supermoon and now I don't even care.
posted by sallybrown at 5:18 PM on November 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


It feels like 1922.
posted by clavdivs at 5:27 PM on November 13, 2016


1922 plus booze. But...also plus climate change.
posted by sallybrown at 5:31 PM on November 13, 2016 [3 favorites]


Don't forget all the nukes!
posted by Burhanistan at 6:32 PM on November 13, 2016 [2 favorites]


I did something tonight I haven't done in almost a week: I sought out news analysis of what to expect in Trump's first 100 days. The latest Planet Money podcast went item by item down the list of red-meat promises Trump made on the campaign trail and it actually gave me the first bit of hope in the last 5 days. The Trump administration is going to implode into a hot mess of broken promises. Unfortunately, he will likely break the economy if he tries to pull out of Nafta or round up illegal immigrants. While I don't feel good by a long stretch I at least feel like the belt tightening and paying off debt is the best thing all of us can do while continuing to speak out and push back against discrimination. Hunker down with our middle fingers in the air.

As for Thanksgiving, my wife and I will be spending it with my parents and my awful hypocritical Trump voting right-wing thinks she's a Christian loon of a MIL gets to spend it alone.
posted by photoslob at 6:50 PM on November 13, 2016 [2 favorites]


Thank you sallybrown, you phrased it much better than I could have. I've said it before on the blue but I've had some serious debate on whether I should stay put this week, and I know plenty of other career civil servants in the same boat. Needless to say there's a lot of worry about potential cuts/hiring freezes that aren't helping. I've decided to stay (partly for practical reasons I'll admit), and only hope that I can still do some good.
posted by photo guy at 7:06 PM on November 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


I forgot, just because my mother doesn't like Trump doesn't mean she's not a Republican. Trotting out stuff like "I don't know why (the rest of our relatives) are still crying and upset. Why are they upset?" and "Why don't you give him a chance?" and "Name me one good thing Obama ever did" and when I did, she bitched about her bosses saying that Obamacare was so expensive and why can't it be cheap?

*stabs self in head*
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:15 PM on November 13, 2016


Another bright spot - I've gotten a couple more memails from people who've reached out to tell me that they've made donations to the IRC. Y'all didn't mention whether you wanted your names broadcast, so I'll say that you know who you are, and - seriously, thank you. You're not just helping the IRC with its work, you're reminding the staff - most of whom are tired and disheartened - that there are people who do actually want to help still.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:26 PM on November 13, 2016 [8 favorites]


I have been sad, and I am still so sad, but now I am also fucking angry, and listening to "Immigrants, we get the job done" off of the Hamilton mixtape sounds like a call to arms. "My shot" sounds like a battle cry. I have been playing them both on repeat, eating half a pumpkin cheesecake this afternoon. It's the first time I've had an appetite since Tuesday night. Goddamit, now I need something to do, I'm just not sure what that is yet. But you all have been so great and I am so grateful to this community. I don't know what I would do without you.
posted by msali at 7:59 PM on November 13, 2016 [6 favorites]


"My shot" sounds like a battle cry. I have been playing them both on repeat, eating half a pumpkin cheesecake this afternoon. It's the first time I've had an appetite since Tuesday night.

And apparently my appetite only comes back the mention of cheesecake, so I'll look into that tomorrow.

*hugs* msali
posted by lazuli at 8:05 PM on November 13, 2016 [4 favorites]


I don't post here barely at all. But I followed the election threads closely. I have felt sick and heartbroken since Wednesday morning and last night just sat down and wrote it all out, that night. What happened. It helped. I post it here in case it helps anyone else.

then I had a big fight with my dad over the David Remnick "American Tragedy" piece so yayyyyyy 😢
posted by sideofwry at 8:06 PM on November 13, 2016 [6 favorites]


On Tuesday afternoon, I stopped at the liquor store. Some asshole was riding around the parking lot with a Trump flag. A Black woman was giving him the side-eye so hard, it left bruises on ME!

She was at the register when I was ready to check out. "Hey! I saw you on the parking lot giving that Trumpeter the eyeball! I'm pretty sure I love you!" She laughed, a big, resonant, joyful laugh. "I wanted to knock him off his bike. But my Mama didn't raise no savage! I really wanted to, though!" She looked at my booze haul - some rum, some Bourbon, a bottle of Mumm Napa. "You throwing a party? Champagne!"

I told her "It's for when they announce for Madame President tonight!" Her hug was instant and warm and exuberant. It was lovely. We laughed and smiled and agreed that Mumm Napa was appropriate to celebrate the occasion. She hugged me again before she left.

Hours later, the Mumm Napa was still in the chiller. The Bourbon was mostly gone, we had been drinking it straight. I fished out some of the cannabis edibles I keep stashed for RA flares and added "stoned as fuck" to "drunk as fuck". Talked to friends in our Slack channel, all of us in tears. Spent Wednesday in bed with the Hounds. Somehow managed to work the rest of the week.

The shock has worn off. The horror and rage have kicked in full force, and I've severed communication with anyone who voted for that orange-skinned vulgarian. I've told people straight to their faces that I'm sick of their shit. I've met demands for "unity", demands to "give him a chance" with instant snarls of "NO. Fuck you." Butthurt because I loudly disapprove of who you voted for? Tough shit. Stand up and OWN that shit. Actions have consequences. You acted. Face the consequences and stop asking for comfort from the people you have put in harm's way.

I am enraged. I've set up monthly donations to Planned Parenthood and the ACLU and the Southern Poverty Law Center. When summer comes and it's time to host an exchange student, I am explicitly requesting that my student be Muslim. I am carving out time to assist with LGBTQ youth outreach.

This is MY country, too. He can't fucking have it. Not without a bloody, screaming, kicking, scratching fight.
posted by MissySedai at 8:50 PM on November 13, 2016 [23 favorites]


I'd been doing great at staying productive, and today I pretty much shut down and stayed in bed all day. But at least now I feel like I can manage to go back to work in the morning without crying or doing something that gets me fired. I built this bed frame and I have a bed now to stay in, and that felt like the most concrete thing I was going to do today. This is the first time I've felt really concretely that I had a certain number of spoons for the week, and I was just completely out as of first thing this morning. I didn't even get to showering until like 4pm.
posted by Sequence at 8:57 PM on November 13, 2016 [5 favorites]


It got better for me tonight. Which is good because I thought I was going to die of fear and sadness. I haven't been that low and afraid ever, in my life, not when my parents died, not when I had raging PPD, not when my marriage was struggling. And it just...lifted, today, after a few hours spent outside, commiserating with my mother-in-law, and some wine. Possibly it just burned itself out, but I don't fucking care. I never want to feel like that again. My heart goes out to any of ya'll who still are.

Earlier today when I was still deep in it, I had to constantly say "stay in this hour, this moment, you have no responsibilities to anything beyond this hour, right now," and sometimes that would help me stop running in panic toward the idea that we're all doomed and i needed to Do Something but I didn't know what to do.

So I offer you that mantra if you can't turn off your fears for the future. For this hour, just stay here and think only of this time and place, of yourself, of what you are physically experiencing. Just for this hour, so you don't feel guilt that you aren't leading the revolution. Nobody needs you to lead the revolution in this single hour. You can give yourself that much.

And then go from there when you can.
posted by emjaybee at 9:30 PM on November 13, 2016 [13 favorites]


The old (now) saw that Churchill read fiction to help him refocus when England was under nightly bombing raids is kind of a helpful sense of scale. And as awful as it may seem, when trump is inaugurated and we know who is going to be doing what, at the very least some of the uncertainty we're all feeling will have passed and we'll know the enemy a lot more. Battlefronts will be a lot more clear.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:38 PM on November 13, 2016 [6 favorites]


I think you are right. I was just thinking that I'm going to need to pull back from the internet until the media have milked the last eyeball dry.
posted by infini at 12:21 AM on November 14, 2016


Re: Thanksgiving and the immediate future with my kids (gay and not) and my Trump supporting mother and her husband (I will not call him my father) --

Ask your eldest what she thinks and whether she would feel comfortable with your mother being there.

My eldest said she will not make room in her heart for hate and her Grandmother's existence is pretty much Plato's people in the cave. You can't tell the woman in the bubble that she lives in a bubble.

Ultimately, my daughter said banning her grandmother or explaining we are too raw to be with her easily right now brings hate into her heart and holds it too tightly for her to breathe. She said she's going to need to breathe easily in the next four years and won't allow hate to clamp itself around her throat.

However, my mother has decided they're not coming as "we are not entering a lion's den where we will be attacked."

So.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:36 AM on November 14, 2016 [11 favorites]


The David Remnick "American Tragedy" sideofwry mentioned is fantastic. I'm having a very hard time articulating my feelings other than wanting to scream obscenities at people. Remnick's piece will be bookmarked so I can memorize his words to explain my feelings when the urge to scream has passed.

Missysedai - the idea that we must force people to own what they've done resonates with me. Since I live in the Deep South I woke up Wed morning with a lot fewer friends. A few have asked about why I've disappeared and I've had a hard time explaining why without acting out and doing something I might regret. Ownership of their decision to elect a hateful misogynistic con-man is the explanation they will get moving forward. I've spent eight years defending Obama and progressive principles of universal human rights and my engagement with these people did nothing to sway them.
posted by photoslob at 4:54 AM on November 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


Guys, I feel like I've leveled up. Overnight. I got my first Pepe the frog memes and anti-Semitic threats on Twitter!
posted by ChuraChura at 5:25 AM on November 14, 2016 [8 favorites]


Guys, I feel like I've leveled up. Overnight. I got my first Pepe the frog memes and anti-Semitic threats on Twitter!

This is the way I felt after someone banned me on Facebook - never had that happen before, partially because I've shied away from talking about politics on Facebook, since the only people that seemed likely to disagree with me were people I worked with, and I'm in Minnesota - silent affability is seen as more important in a working relationship than any opinion one might have. People tend to know what my politics are without me saying much at all (hi, I'm a nonchristian woman who studied Sociology at Smith College and grew up in that inner city you guys are all terrified of).

But I've been surprised as I've spoken up - for one thing, those coworkers I was worried about seem to at least be aware enough that they're against Trump and recognize that this is a bad thing for minorities in America. A lot of them seem like they at least want to help.

And the guy who banned me? BernieBro who posted about how the Liberal Media was cutting things to make Trump seem more racist than he is. When I posted a USA Today article about the hate crimes that had happened since election, he banned me for race baiting. Using USA Today.

Later, he decided he couldn't let it go and messaged me in private, accused Hillary supporters of stoking the flames and causing it - Hillary only had Black friends for the election cycle, this wouldn't have happened if the election had been between Trump and Bernie - even if Bernie lost. Hillary was just exaggerating Trump's racism for her own ends. So I just told him I hoped someone else could get through to him, because I sure couldn't and ended the conversation.

But here's where I'm at. I'm still going to try to have these conversations. Maybe I should start with people who have more reasonable opinions, but I recognize that I am in a better position to have these conversations that a lot of other people. I've got to get better at keeping my cool, but I'm still going to have to try to reach out.
posted by dinty_moore at 6:18 AM on November 14, 2016 [6 favorites]


My young (elementary/middle) kids came back over from their mom's Friday and so I had not seen them since the election. In the car on the way home we were talking about it and I was really struggling to keep it together. I told them I was really disappointed and they said "but there's checks and balances, right?" I said, "Well, they own the executive and legislative branches, and pretty soon the judicial branch after they appoint a Supreme Court justice and a bunch of others, so no, there are no checks and balances." ... pause ... blah blah Pokemon.

Am I a bad dad? I mean I can't just lie to them.
posted by freecellwizard at 6:33 AM on November 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


Somebody somewhere here wrote or quoted something about Shakespeare, rather than a modern author, as being more appropriate for the time.

Talking about Shakespeare is more or less the Mr. Bad Example signal...and while I'd love to be stoic like Kent, the character that keeps coming to mind for me is Titus Andronicus, especially after I've been laughing at all those Biden/Obama meme pictures the last few days:
MARCUS ANDRONICUS

Why dost thou laugh? It fits not with this hour.

TITUS ANDRONICUS

Why, I have not another tear to shed:
Besides, this sorrow is an enemy,
And would usurp upon my watery eyes
And make them blind with tributary tears:
Then which way shall I find Revenge's cave?
For these two heads do seem to speak to me,
And threat me I shall never come to bliss
Till all these mischiefs be return'd again
Even in their throats that have committed them.
Come, let me see what task I have to do.
You heavy people, circle me about,
That I may turn me to each one of you,
And swear unto my soul to right your wrongs.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:56 AM on November 14, 2016 [11 favorites]


Am I a bad dad? I mean I can't just lie to them.

No. You are a GOOD Dad! They deserve the truth, in words that they can understand. If they ask a question you don't have an answer to, look it up together. Don't blow them off.

By answering truthfully, you are shaping citizens who will be engaged. We need them so much!
posted by MissySedai at 7:08 AM on November 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'll be honest here and say that the Obama/Biden memes have enraged me over the past few days. To me, that's something that would have been perfectly appropriate to post if Jeb or Kasich had won; we would all be disappointed, and nervous about what was to come, but we wouldn't have had to feel that this was the end of the Republic, because it wouldn't have been. We would have had a fight on our hands, especially for women's rights, but it would have been just another swing of the pendulum.

But this is different. This isn't business as usual, and posting memes makes it seem like it is. Maybe it's selfish, but I can't really see how it makes anything better to post "Oh, Joe" jokes when the President-Elect of the United States has literally placed a white supremacist steps from the Oval Office. We're way past cute jokes now, and waving them in my face feels like trivializing my fear and anger.
posted by holborne at 7:19 AM on November 14, 2016 [8 favorites]


However, my mother has decided they're not coming as "we are not entering a lion's den where we will be attacked."

Her loss. I mean that sincerely. Your daughter is a better, wiser woman than I am. I would not be able to tolerate someone who voted to put me in harm's way. You should be very proud of her!
posted by MissySedai at 7:31 AM on November 14, 2016 [8 favorites]


I thought today would be better. I really did.

I took a break from social media last week, disabling facebook and only checking twitter/metafilter once a day or so. I left Friday for a weekend getaway with some like-minded girlfriends, where we drank, commiserated, and got a lot of our minds and hearts. I told myself that starting today, I'd start researching ways to get involved and help, because *doing something* always seems to help.

But then I remembered that on top of this, 2016 also brought me a catastrophic flood and a gutted home that may be about to go into foreclosure. I have been fighting so hard this year to keep my head above water, between an accident in January and a serious injury that put me in PT for 6 months, fights with my ex husband over the flooded house that I should have been separated from 5 years ago, and possible credit rating destruction. I have, for the first time in my life, been having what I can only assume are panic attacks. I am, for the first time I think, actually depressed. I am tired of fighting and I don't know if I can anymore.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. That's what I'm hanging on to.
posted by tryniti at 7:33 AM on November 14, 2016 [14 favorites]


I used to argue with right wing Jews on Social Media sites for Jewish news organizations and the like. But I have increasingly become convinced that we are two Americas, yes, but not with two sets of facts. We have one America that has actual facts and thinks that's important, and another America that is made up of lying bullies. And my interactions with them have consistently shown this be true -- when confronted with facts, they duck, weave, move goalposts, and become increasingly belligerent. They know the truth, but are playing a different game, one of trying to shout down opposition because they are, in their heart of hearts, not believers in democracy, or the marketplace of ideas, or any of that. And why would they? Those are liberals ideals.

No, they have bought into the idea of a cultural war, and so they are fighting it like a war, with propaganda, and with aggressive, belligerent tactics. I am sure they know that the swastikas flying up aren't put their by paid Hillary supporters, despite their claims, but they find it to be a useful lie, and tell it, knowing it's a lie.

So I'm just blocking them. It's better for my mental health.
posted by maxsparber at 7:39 AM on November 14, 2016 [13 favorites]


So my local Pantsuit Nation group on Facebook has just EXPLODED and it's awesome. We've got a meetup tonight, we've started a feminist book club that will have it's first meeting in December, and we're trying to get some sort of bystander intervention training together. So many women coming together to face the storm! It's so, so affirming.
posted by cooker girl at 7:39 AM on November 14, 2016 [7 favorites]


Beloved
there have been days worse
than this


something that may be of
is no comfort to you now
but it is still
very true
posted by ChuraChura at 7:40 AM on November 14, 2016 [7 favorites]


Jesus, tryniti, I think having to deal with all of that in your personal life gives you the right to not deal with the election right now. Holy cow.
posted by emjaybee at 7:43 AM on November 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


{{{{{tryniti}}}}}
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:49 AM on November 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


I am tired of fighting and I don't know if I can anymore.

Oh honey. Hang in there. We went through foreclosure 3 years ago. It really sucked at the time. At first, we were going to appeal. My attorney told us that it COULD go our way, but at what cost to our sanity? And we couldn't stay in the house during the pendency of the appeal. He advised us to walk away, start over, rent for a while and get ourselves into a better position for a different house down the road.

He was right. The day we moved out, it was like a weight was lifted. And when I handed the keys over? I could breathe again.

Take gentle good care of yourself. Breathe. Speak with an attorney in your area - many provide the first consultation for free. And if you need to talk to someone who has been there, done that, and proudly wears the t-shirt, memail me.
posted by MissySedai at 8:02 AM on November 14, 2016 [8 favorites]


possible credit rating destruction

You are not your credit rating. The world would like you to believe that having good credit makes you a better person than having bad credit, but it isn't true. Your credit rating is how much certain corporations like you. It does introduce some inconveniences to not have these corporations like you, but it is not the end of the world. And because the lenders need us more than we really need them, credit recovers way, way faster than people expect it to. Don't let them tell you that your value comes from your ability to buy stuff with other people's money.
posted by Sequence at 8:58 AM on November 14, 2016 [15 favorites]


So I've been spending my lunch hour prepping to call my senator's office and letting them know that I will remember any cooperation with the Incoming administration and demand they use the filibuster and any tools to stop a Neo Nazi Reg,e from taking hold AND that the senator move to confirm Garland like YESTERDAY.

If you have electors you can contact, that's another way - a respectful note that the electoral college was partly in place to stop things like this from happening and to respect the popular vote.

Finally, a call to Nancy Pelosi's office ask Pelosi to request an injunction in the states of WI and NC. Wisconsin ignored a judicial ruling to overturn a voter restriction, and in Durham NC 80K votes are "missing" in a highly African American area.

And if you're me try to do all of this without lapsing into a Katherine Hepburn impersonation
posted by The Whelk at 9:08 AM on November 14, 2016 [27 favorites]


It's easy to feel like you can't do enough. And no one of us can do it ALL. Don't try to do it ALL.

I have a couple projects, but in addition, I realized I can make one call a day. One call. Or one email. For something that needs to happen but isn't my primary focus. The other day it was to Starbucks to thank them for their Safe Space effort. Today it was to my Senator to oppose the Bannon appointment. It takes two minutes. One call a day. Or one email. Just like taking vitamins. Vitamins for democracy.
posted by Miko at 9:45 AM on November 14, 2016 [48 favorites]


Wow, in the past 10 minutes or so someone must have retweeted things somewhere. What is it they say? RIP my mentions? Lots and lots of iron crosses in there.
posted by ChuraChura at 11:31 AM on November 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


So it's been a week and I still can't really eat; I get vaguely hangry but all food just seems revolting. I'm supposed to plan a Thanksgiving...something...but can't get my partner to OK any decisions about it, don't want my "Never Hillary" in-laws and "Literally Used to Work for Hillary" family to murder each other around my table, and basically don't give a shit about any of it and just want to crawl into bed forever.

Is it cool to just tell them all, and 2016, to go fuck themselves, and bury myself in work for the foreseeable future?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:00 PM on November 14, 2016 [11 favorites]


Does anyone know of a Northeast or New York-centered Pantsuit Nation? or other advocacy group? Memail me about it if you do?
posted by Rainbo Vagrant at 12:12 PM on November 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


Is it cool to just tell them all, and 2016, to go fuck themselves, and bury myself in work for the foreseeable future?

YES. It's okay to put yourself first. Do what you need to do. If that means you don't host Thanksgiving, so be it. They've got time to make other plans.
posted by cooker girl at 12:12 PM on November 14, 2016 [10 favorites]


We put our faith, it is absolutely okay not to have Thanksgiving this year at your house, and I hope you don't. Tell your family you don't feel well enough. It's not even a lie, is it? Stay home and take care of yourself.

A big thank you to my Pantsuit Nation local chapter and another secret FB one I heard about from here. They are helping tremendously. I just finished making my first set of phone calls to my representatives. My flesh may have been crawling listening to Ted Cruz's recorded voice, but I'll get used to it because I'm doing it every damn day the bastard is in office as well as my other representatives.
posted by not that mimi at 12:16 PM on November 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


I think if it's easier to cancel Thanksgiving by getting, say, conveniently sick that week, instead of living in a state of fear and tension until the day, take that option. This is something I'm still debating as my aunt is hosting this year, who delights in sending Fox News fueled email chains to the rest of the family at any provocation. It's been a long time since I've seen my little nieces and nephew but I might need to push that off until Christmas. Regroup a bit and spend my time learning better conversation techniques until then.

I'm ready to do something, and all the comments about calling senators/congresspeople have really helped stoke that fire.

I also made a Facebook account (uuuuuugh) to see if there are any local Pantsuit Nation goings-on in my area (SoCal), but I am invite-less. If someone out there is able to send me one I would be super grateful. I've turned my MeMail back on for this as well.
posted by erratic meatsack at 12:16 PM on November 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


Considering everything Facebook contributed in a negative way to this election, I feel really loathe to go back to it, but if everything now gets coordinated there, I start to wonder if I have a choice.
posted by Sequence at 12:36 PM on November 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


YES. It's okay to put yourself first. Do what you need to do. If that means you don't host Thanksgiving, so be it. They've got time to make other plans.

Ironically, the reason my in-laws have no other plans is that they have shunned a large chunk of their extended family for being too racist. And yet they voted for Trump and say nasty shit about Hillary with zero provocation! The sheer cognitive dissonance! It must be like Scanners in their heads 24/7.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:51 PM on November 14, 2016


Everyone, if you have to fake a broken leg to get out of Thanksgiving this year, I say bring on the Plaster of Paris. It is 100% okay to take a pass this year. If you want, think of it like this. Would you feel required to host if there was a death in the family? No you would not. Well the death of American democracy just happened, so you don't have to cook now either.
posted by corb at 1:02 PM on November 14, 2016 [22 favorites]


I too am having major Thanksgiving, and for that matter, Christmas, issues. I knew it would be tough no matter who won but I don't know if I can sit down with my mom's Trump-voting, Breitbart reading husband or my Trump-voting, Alex Jones addicted brother and look them in the eye without getting furious and sad. They both are going to be gloating and gleeful and so happy to get a rise out of me. I keep putting off buying plane tickets and soon it will be too late and too expensive. But I know my mom, who gets more feminist every year, will be all alone in her views and would love it if she had some moral support..
posted by dis_integration at 1:10 PM on November 14, 2016


And what drives me nuts about my brother the most is that if our new Ayn Randian White Supremacist overlords replace Medicare and Medicaid with some kind of nightmare privatization scenario, he'll probably literally die, because there's no way they'll keep paying for his $100,000/yr prescription for imatinib. But at least you outraged the libtards!
posted by dis_integration at 1:12 PM on November 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


I am taking advantage of my family issues this holiday season to cook (as in roasting a bird and everything) for myself for the first time. Just me. Everything I want and nothing I don't. I actually find this prospect more invigorating than saddening, at this point. The weeks worth of leftovers are going to taste like freedom.
posted by Sequence at 1:22 PM on November 14, 2016 [12 favorites]


hey, does anybody else have stress acne?
posted by angrycat at 1:28 PM on November 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


No stress acne because I've ridden like 200 miles and worked out a ton since the election (helps funnel the horror) so I look 200 times better on the outside than the inside. Both parents went for Trump, so Thanksgiving is going to be a terse "hi, nice meal, here's our vacation pics, later bye" affair. I used to like Thanksgiving.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:31 PM on November 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


hey, does anybody else have stress acne?

No but I'm having stress PVCs, which is EXHAUSTING. I generally have a couple a week or a few a month. It's been non-stop since the election and there's nothing I can do about it (can't take the meds because of asthma and I'm terrified of ablation).
posted by cooker girl at 1:32 PM on November 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


No acne, but I've been having chest pains on and off for a week. That's definitely a new stress reaction for me (in addition to my usual insomnia and carb-cravings).
posted by tryniti at 1:34 PM on November 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


Fuck Thanksgiving. This year, it's Selfsgiving.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:38 PM on November 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


Am I a bad dad? I mean I can't just lie to them

freecellwizard, I had the exact same conversation with my 19-yr-old daughter. She keeps telling me it will be ok but I feel like I owe it to her to tell her the truth.
posted by photoslob at 1:43 PM on November 14, 2016


I have definitely been breaking out. And today at one point randomly wound up with some fairly mild hives on my neck that thankfully went away after I took a Benadryl, though that's left me groggy all afternoon.
posted by Sequence at 1:46 PM on November 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


I just went back and read this Ask of mine and kinda sad smiled at our innocence back then. I am not quite on speaking terms with my parents. My mom and I have texted a few times since the election, because she wanted to make sure my kid was ok. Kid's been staying with them five nights a week lately to help out after my dad's reconstructive foot surgery. On election night, I was up until 4:30 am texting with the kid, who was having a panic attack. If I wasn't so drunk at the time, I would have picked them up right then and there. Kid took the next two days off from school. I took those days off from work. My mother is soooooo concerned about kid's mental health. STFU, lady, you helped cause this. I texted my mom to tell her this was the last thing I was going to say about the election but that, having been sexually assaulted, my dad's defense of Trump's attitude about women deeply hurt me. Her response was that she was glad kid was doing better. So, there goes my relationship with my parents. Thanksgiving is going to be a blast. I'm on a new medication now, so I can't even drink, but maybe that's for the best because drunk me might start yelling. The kid goes back tomorrow to continue helping, because I believe in helping people in need. My parents taught me that, even though they don't believe it anymore.

I'm sad about the damage this has caused within my family, but I'm onto the anger and hope part of coping. Kid and I went to a concert Saturday night, and the singer, being gay, attracts the young queer crowd. Seeing all those beautiful people wrapped in Pride flags, literally being told they are loved, (I recorded a little speech the singer gave) made me cry happy tears. And I'm part of a fledgling organization that's dedicated to helping those who are most vulnerable right now, and I'm gathering myself together so I can do even more. I'm so behind in my class right now, but hey, I have a sinus infection and will be home tomorrow so there's time, I guess.

Anyway. Thank you.
posted by Ruki at 1:49 PM on November 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


I am taking advantage of my family issues this holiday season to cook (as in roasting a bird and everything) for myself for the first time. Just me. Everything I want and nothing I don't.

Plus you get all that tasty crispy skin to yourself!! #envious
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:03 PM on November 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


No acne, but every single member of my family, from the 1 year old onward, has gotten some sort of stomach bug that involves 12 hours of puking and 2 days of being bedridden. So there's that.

I just want to hug all of you, and to remind you that family-wise, you don't have to go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. You don't have to do anything but take care of yourself and your children, and you don't have to do anything now. You can take a break if you need it.
posted by snickerdoodle at 2:07 PM on November 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


I started spotting enough to call it a full-on period at this point I think (sorry if TMI) and so my pills are doing nothing and everything is terrible.
posted by erratic meatsack at 2:13 PM on November 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


does anybody else have stress acne?

Acne yes. Literally every member of the household, down to the dog, is sick. We are also having chest pains and nightmares in various proportions.

Trump. Giving us things already.
posted by corb at 2:34 PM on November 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


Thanksgiving here will be my wife, myself, her daughter and her wife and a neighbor who would otherwise be alone. It will be quiet and without confrontation.

I haven't been watching any news since the day. It leaves a lot of emply space because I used to be a news junkie. I found that filling that space with the jazz music channel on cable helps a lot. Jazz helps more than I thought it would.
posted by Splunge at 3:07 PM on November 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


I used to listen to news podcasts and political analysis while I cooked/cleaned but it's too much to take now so I just listen to recordings of old time radio shows
posted by The Whelk at 3:26 PM on November 14, 2016 [6 favorites]


I would have said that I was handling things pretty well, I came to MeFi on election night to lurk in the threads and chat because I didn't have anything to say but I didn't want to be alone. But today, the PMS weepies hit me when one of the kids I read to picked Martin's Big Words: The Life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. as the book he wanted read to him.

Everything was mostly fine until I got to the end. I mean, I was dreading explaining to this 6 year old that Dr. King was killed after we'd just read so many pages of building him up as a shining example of humanity, but I was getting through it alright. I was explaining how Dr. King used love and peaceful protest to unite people and the next to last page is just...very unflinching. It talks about how he went to Memphis to talk and speak and pray and was shot. Then there are just the words, "He died." all alone by themselves near the bottom of the page. I couldn't read them. I read everything up to, "He died". and I just could. not. read those words. I teared up and had to wait a few minutes until I could talk again. A few tears slipped out but I managed to keep it mostly together.

We eventually finished the book and I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just sad because he died." We moved on to another book and things were okay. My next kid was the same rambunctious, boundary-pushing little trickster I see every week and we had fun doing stuff and eventually finding a princess book to read and that cheered me a up lot.

I cried when I got home, though. I'm still crying now, as I write this. We, as a country, have already been down this dark, terrible road and have been clawing our way out the morass of human cruelty for so long already. I'm so sick of treading water, hoping not to drown.

I just wanted to say thank you to the people here on MeFi and in this thread, because knowing I'm not alone is really, really worth something to me. Thank you.
posted by i feel possessed at 3:29 PM on November 14, 2016 [24 favorites]


I'm still so shocked. I have this sense of dread that something terrible and impossible is going to happen, like a giant dragon swooping down and ravishing my town. Because that seems as likely right now as a Trump Presidency seemed two weeks ago.
posted by dchrssyr at 3:29 PM on November 14, 2016 [9 favorites]


Anyone still having trouble with sleep, I don't know if this helps, but this has helped me a bit:

I've been loading up my phone with In Our Time podcasts, almost exclusively the science ones. When I can't sleep and my mind is churning, I don't want to turn on the light and wake up more, but listening in the dark to a bunch of British academics discuss the finer points of photosynthesis or dark matter occupies my brain just enough that I can stop imagining disaster scenarios and having furious imaginary arguments and drift off again, at least for a bit.

And when I don't feel quite up to that, I've been doing alphabet games - name a vegetable starting with A, then B, then C, or an animal, or a composer. Just enough to keep me from thinking about what might happen.
posted by kristi at 3:31 PM on November 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


Also I. Was feeling pretty okay today ...I picked up a epscript for ergency anti anextiy mess (cold calling on top of everything else is just too much) and I had the pills in my hand as I walked down the street and saw a MADAM PREISDENT stencil on the sidewalk and I just ...broke? Like everything I had been pushing down the entire week came out and I ended up just crying on the corner ...before looking up and realizing I was crying in front of what looked like Victor Graber's husband clearly in his way home form the store with a very concerned look on his face.

I did not stop to see if I was correct I just walked around and steadied myself
posted by The Whelk at 3:36 PM on November 14, 2016 [18 favorites]


hey, does anybody else have stress acne?

I get stress-induced eczema, most notably on my hands. All the little bubbles in my hands were just starting to clear up, six months after submitting my dissertation, but now, oh boy. Tiny hand blisters are proliferating.
posted by pemberkins at 3:39 PM on November 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


The Whelk, {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
posted by Splunge at 3:50 PM on November 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


Yesterday morning was the first day I've felt like cooking for myself--or eating much of anything--since the night before the election. I got busy in the kitchen and made an enormous pot of homemade cream of chicken and wild rice soup while blasting joyous Gospel music at full volume--I KNOW that my neighbors who have vocally supported Trump primarily because of his immigration stance could hear it through the walls.

For some reason the combination of self-care through cooking something wonderful and that wailing Gospel choir made me feel better than I've felt in a week. I'm still feeling heartbroken and sad and embarrassed for our country--but somehow I now feel more able to put some concrete steps into action to try to get through this.

Sending many hugs and hand squeezes to everyone who has posted here who may want/need them, and also to those who may be reading and not posting. I can't express what this thread has meant to me over the past few days.
posted by bookmammal at 4:04 PM on November 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


Bookriot: 20 SFF Reads to Get You Through the 5 Stages of Grief

(Featuring Mefi's Own jscalzi, along with Leckie, Rowling, Le Guin, Jemisin, Butler, Kress and more).

On a personal note: joined the (New Zealand) Green Party, seeing them as the best hope to advocate for refugees (who I see suffering when trump closes the US borders), for non-violence and for human rights generally. Donated to a NZ charity working in this space. Payday is this weekend and I'll figure out how to donate to the ACLU / Planned Parenthood / Black Lives Matter / (any other suggestions? Orgs helping to improve voting rights? Trans rights?). Considering donating to Alexander Van der Bellen, the Green candidate for Austrian President. He's running against a basic fascist. Thinking we have to try and stop it everywhere, form a bulwark ahead of the French election and try to stop Europe from turning darker.

Anyone know if Pantsuit Nation or similar is active in New Zealand? Is it worth trying to support them?
posted by Pink Frost at 4:39 PM on November 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


I am wondering if there is going to be a day any time soon where I don't cry at some point.
posted by Miko at 5:56 PM on November 14, 2016 [13 favorites]


And my interactions with them have consistently shown this be true -- when confronted with facts, they duck, weave, move goalposts, and become increasingly belligerent.

What almost scares me more than the people on the right who do this are the people on the left who also do this. I worry that the far right burn-it-all-down-ism will merge with the far-left-burn-it-all-down-ism.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 6:08 PM on November 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


update: it's been almost a week. I was starting to feel hopeful. I cried for about five hours straight today. The fact that again, I'm in a place where this seems crazy and odd, makes me feel worse. The fact that people are starting to move on makes me feel worse. The fact that I actually tried to engage with a Trump supporter the past couple of days probably wasn't a good idea. Hurting so much right now. Still.
posted by lightgray at 6:13 PM on November 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


I've been doing a binge-listen to Welcome to Night Vale and so far that seems to be sitting very well with me right now. There's a patch on my bag, I've had it for ages now, that says Subversive Radio Host, but it was always kind of a personal joke because I'm not a subversive sort of person, right? Me? I'm really not? Or I wasn't.
posted by Sequence at 7:00 PM on November 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


I know this is the second time I'll be posting about a computer game as a coping mechanism, but:

I've been escaping to Stardew Valley for a bit here and there, and it's especially enjoyable after installing this diversity mod.

A+, would diversify everything again.
posted by erratic meatsack at 7:18 PM on November 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


I was a little embarrassed, but: Xcom 2 just dropped, it's about resistance to monsters in government who make everyone else think they are helping, your team is as diverse as you want it to be, and it's challenging as you want it. I played it for hours today and it got me up to cook Serious Food for the first time in a while.
posted by corb at 7:27 PM on November 14, 2016 [7 favorites]


Hey, what stage of grief is it when your optimistic young 20s minority coworker, trying to cheer up her two queer colleagues, says earnestly, "well, maybe the media learned their lesson and will do better now!" and you collapse on a nearby chair laughing until you get chest pains from hyperventilating?

Because apparently I'm at that now.
posted by deludingmyself at 7:48 PM on November 14, 2016 [11 favorites]


Interestingly, I came with a link to something else that could spark laughter - although of a more friendly sort.

So there is this web site where you enter a person's Twitter handle, and it's got a sort of markov-generator algorithm that analyzes the content of that person's Twitter feed, and will generate a Tweet based on that input. ....And The Bloggess just tried it out.

She had a list of some of the "tweets" it came up with, and fifth on her list was "Today is cancelled and full of hot goat hair" and people, I was laughing for a full ninety seconds at that, the kind of whooping breathless laughter that made me glad my roommate wasn't home becuase there was no way in hell I'd be able to explain that.

I couldn't come up with anything half as funny from my feed, but the Bloggess stuff was gold.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:59 PM on November 14, 2016


I think one of the most difficult parts of this for me is how the election is such an out-of-bounds event. It is so irrational, it makes so little sense – the fact that Trump won, the things Trump supporters seem to believe, the whole spreading cancer of Trumpism, everything – that ... I don't know ... I just can't comprehend it. And there are so many people who believe in the Trump/Breibart/Fox/etc. worldview, that it seems ... hopeless.
posted by StrawberryPie at 8:24 PM on November 14, 2016 [12 favorites]


I'm taking a pass on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And who knows how long. I don't feel safe around about half of my family anymore.

I think the comparisons to 9/11 are apt because of the amount of trauma that is being induced, both symbolically and through the alt-right brownshirts. The amount of damage being done to vulnerable people is incalculable.
posted by krinklyfig at 8:30 PM on November 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


I feel like I should be an activist, except I hate making phone calls, arguing with people, etc. I can't convince anyone of anything ever and people who like me don't/can't/won't listen to me, so why should bigoted strangers?
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:30 PM on November 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


I promise, name your skill and there's a use for it in organizing, from "can cook cheap meals" to "can be trusted to hold money and get people out of jail." It's not all phone calls and persuasion.
posted by corb at 8:40 PM on November 14, 2016 [14 favorites]


I will tell you that phone calls are CAKE. There is no arguing. You call whatever rep's office it is, and an intern or young staffer picks up. You say "Hi, I'm Sally from Boise, and I want to register my approval/disapproval for [THING]" or "urge Gov/Sen/Rep McGillicuddy to do [THING]." And the intern/staffer says "Thank you very much, I have recorded your response and we'll be sharing it with the Gov/Sen/Rep." And that's that. For those who hate confrontation and arguing and the phone, this is about as easy as it gets. It's not contentious. They're trained to just record what you say. They're civil servants. You're not going to get into a debate on the phone. And phone calls are powerful enough that it's worth it, to me anyway.

On another note, has anyone seen this video from Viral Thread about "who to blame"? I have had this shared/mailed to me several times, from people who seem to think it's a good idea. I personally find it re-traumatizing and am surprised at the people who say it "resonated with them" That's great. I click on it and see a white guy yelling a rant at me for several minutes on end, and talking about how it's my fault they don't support human rights. There is so much wrong with this I don't know where to begin. First, maybe consider the optics about sending people, especially any flavor of marginalized people, a video of a yelling white guy to mansplain what went wrong with the vote? Just think about that for just a SECOND before sending it, OK? Next, I think we really need to have some conversations about conversations, and discussions about discussions, before we actually have them. Because being forced to accept hate-based rhetoric as a starting premise is not going to work. I'm not having conversations without ground rules. I'm not having conversations without demanding basic equal respect for my point of view. You can feel hurt and angry about that, but it's only fair. I don't want to see that video ever again. Don't let this asshole speak for you. Say your piece, and if you do it respectfully, maybe I will listen. But don't expect me to subjugate myself to your dominating style before we talk. Because fuck that forever, sixteen ways to Sunday.
posted by Miko at 8:45 PM on November 14, 2016 [16 favorites]


I spent Friday through Sunday at a resort, completely insulated from the outside world. We could have declared war on Iran for all I knew. I spent a significant part of the weekend in a hot tub drinking mai tais. It was blissful. And then today I got dumped right back into crushing despair, even though I still hadn't seen any news.
posted by AFABulous at 9:18 PM on November 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


Thanks for this thread. I was angry at first, but now I have fallen into depression. Getting out of bed to get anything done, or to even eat feels like such a great effort. I would like to just crawl into a hole and hibernate for the next several years. I have so many friends who are genuinely frightened, and already there have been so many reports of bullying and intimidation. I've never felt so unsafe in this country.
posted by LilithSilver at 10:01 PM on November 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


Another thread appreciator. "" to many sentiments previously expressed above, as well as one or more personal challenges described, and a few observations. Keep it up, true thread-contributors. For every one of you there's probably at least two of three of us stunned chickens watching/listening/processing from the sidelines like I am.
posted by christopherious at 10:45 PM on November 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


I promise, name your skill and there's a use for it in organizing, from "can cook cheap meals" to "can be trusted to hold money and get people out of jail." It's not all phone calls and persuasion.

in that case, can I craft for the revolution?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:48 PM on November 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


in that case, can I craft for the revolution?

Absolutely! You can craft warm things and/or things that raise spirits. You can craft pretty things that can be sold or used at fundraisers. You can craft useful things when people say "I have these supplies" and you figure out how they can be combined. There are uses! Seriously!
posted by corb at 11:14 PM on November 14, 2016 [14 favorites]


I've been using games as escapism, too. I just played through Earthbound and the Tenchi Muyo RPG. I think the main thing I like about RPGs is you're fighting the bad guys and you can win with enough moxie and effort (which is immensely satisfying after the last week), and as a bonus you get the mechanics of leveling up and acquiring gear and managing your inventory to occupy your mind so that it's less likely to wander off into unpleasant little eddies of despair.
posted by i feel possessed at 11:36 PM on November 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


I am wondering if there is going to be a day any time soon where I don't cry at some point.

Truth. I got an email from my Trump-supporting mother saying if I did not apologize for the things I wrote to her (which was a list of things he said and what he promised to do as president, nothing else), it was over. She would not accept a cooling off period as I suggested. If she didn't get an apology, then she would mourn for the end of her family.

I.Just...WHAT?

But in other hopeful news, I have somehow managed to become the organizer for the Boston-based Million Woman March for those who can't get to DC. I don't know how THAT happened. But I'm glad it did.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:10 AM on November 15, 2016 [25 favorites]


Heart hurts all day every day. No attention span. Taking in news in homeopathic doses. Enraged by people who keep saying "stop overreacting, it won't be that bad." Infuriated by people who say "we never acted like that when your president won." Took refuge in gazing at supermoon. Thinking about outer space is soothing. Highly recommend hanging out with pets -- a friend's, if you don't have your own. Don't know how I'm going to get through four years of this, especially once he takes office. Barack Obama is a damn saint.
posted by GrammarMoses at 3:19 AM on November 15, 2016 [12 favorites]


PS Despite being a longtime gun loather, I plan to learn how to shoot.
posted by GrammarMoses at 3:20 AM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


in that case, can I craft for the revolution?

Yes. Why, yes, you can.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:37 AM on November 15, 2016 [5 favorites]


in that case, can I craft for the revolution?

For one thing, if your crafting includes making warm things, a lot of people would appreciate being able to wear warm things while protesting in the next couple of months.
posted by dinty_moore at 4:43 AM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


Do you quilt, knit or sew? There's a large active ravelry group called "hats and more for war-torn syria group".

I'm Australian, but in reaction to this election, I finally applied to volunteer to teach refugees English, something I've been thinking about for some time.
posted by kjs4 at 5:01 AM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


Highly recommend hanging out with pets -- a friend's, if you don't have your own.

Anyone near Milwaukee is welcome to come hang out and cuddle with these fuzzballs.
posted by AFABulous at 5:37 AM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


You know, I was just sort of being like, okay, the latest shock was Bannon. Okay, I'm okay. Got to stay off metafilter today. Have see if I can pay some bills. Behind on grading.

And then comes Secretary of State John Bolton (not a pick yet but it is starting to sound bad)!
posted by angrycat at 5:40 AM on November 15, 2016


My cats are great, but really the only things that have made me feel better in the last week are donating (ACLU & Planned Parenthood) and demonstrating. If you're able, do something. If you're not able, we will protect you.
posted by AFABulous at 5:41 AM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]


I alluded to this up above, but there were some racist alt-right flyers posted in one of the buildings on campus. As an anthropologist, this pissed me off and we've started working on ways to counter this sort of thing through education. Not really thinking, I posted the flyers to twitter. This was a mistake. In addition to all the bullshit threats and sealioning and white supremacy and anti-semitism and misogyny (I've since locked my twitter account and deleted that original tweet), I've spent the morning speaking to a group of Australian anthropologists via facebook who were convinced that I, as a representative of American Anthropology, was the person who posted all the flyers (including one which specifically included stuff about Aboriginal Australians). We've finally clarified, and now they're going back and deleting angry one-star reviews they left on all sorts of Ohio State-related facebook groups.

Just... really? This is so ridiculous on so many levels. I've had that "Everything is Awesome" song from the LEGO movie stuck in my head since about July, except it's actually "Everything is Awful."
posted by ChuraChura at 6:04 AM on November 15, 2016 [28 favorites]


Ugh, I'm sorry ChuraChura.
posted by dinty_moore at 6:17 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Oh god that's all terrible, ChuraChura, I'm so sorry. I actually had been meaning to contact you about the educational things you've posted on the subject of anthropologists' view of race, because I found them really interesting and helpful. I'm not in any danger of falling into alt-right beliefs about race, obviously, but they're so strident and sure of themselves that it's nice to have some science to refute them.

Generally, I'm encouraged to see the depth and breadth of Americans being brave in standing up to this. On the one hand, of course anthropologists have something to say, but I wouldn't have thought of it until you spoke up. It was a nice reminder that there's something for all of us to do.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 6:17 AM on November 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


PS Despite being a longtime gun loather, I plan to learn how to shoot.

"How should we learn to shoot" is basically a planned topic of conversation for my partner and I at Thanksgiving with my Trump-loathing ex-Army brother-in-law and I can't believe how few reservations I have about this.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:54 AM on November 15, 2016 [8 favorites]


Only reason I don't get a gun is because I have occasional suicidal ideations and I'm afraid I'll do something impulsive one day, but I fully support those who legitimately need them for protection. White suburban dads do not need them. My queer trans friends do.
posted by AFABulous at 7:06 AM on November 15, 2016 [11 favorites]


My congressman*'s office called to ask if I still wanted tickets to the inauguration. Knife to the heart to know I could have had them if I wanted them.

*Who I worked hard to defeat. Sorry, friendly staff members of Rep. Garrett! Hope you land on your feet.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:17 AM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]


Right now the hardest thing for me to live with is the disgust and anger I feel. It's heavy and sharp and it fucks me up.

My fam knows something is up. I have not talked to any of them on the phone and have done one-word, neutral responses to any texts, if I answered at all.

My kid's birthday was this week. Thankfully I was doing well enough he could have a good one, and he's young enough to be pretty self-absorbed, but the thoughts in my head were fucking bleak about his future.

I really want those thoughts to be wrong, but there's nothing for me to hold on to for that. I don't know how to do this not-feeling-hope thing.
posted by emjaybee at 8:16 AM on November 15, 2016 [7 favorites]


I am apparently also throwing up now, which I don't know if it's because I feel sick or because every day brings something new and terrible. But apparently my immune system has just been like "why try? give up and embrace the apocalypse."

I'm sure I'll be better once I have a hard target to fight, but the unknowability of the horrible Trump will bring is really kind of making everything worse.
posted by corb at 9:12 AM on November 15, 2016 [20 favorites]


I am at work right now. I just passed the CEO in the hallway, and he saluted me and said "hey, thanks for what you said in the staff meeting last week."

And I was able to give him a big grin and say, "it gets even better - about every other day since then, i've gotten a new email from someone else on Metafilter who's told me that they also just donated to the IRC as well."

"Brilliant!" he said.

In conclusion - Mefites, y'all are awesome.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:17 AM on November 15, 2016 [12 favorites]


My congressman's office called to ask if I still wanted tickets to the inauguration.

I wish you'd taken them so the Sea of Racists would be a bit smaller that day.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:55 AM on November 15, 2016


I wish you'd taken them so the Sea of Racists would be a bit smaller that day.

That's not actually a bad idea. That man loves nothing more than attention and a crowd. Make it smaller.
posted by dinty_moore at 9:57 AM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Enraged by people who keep saying "stop overreacting, it won't be that bad."

Say we should all come together and be civil one more time, motherfucker.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:58 AM on November 15, 2016 [7 favorites]


Literally the first thing I saw when I walked into work this morning was a sign explaining the safety pin thing, along with a) a bag of safety pins and b) a bunch of safety pin adhesive stickers. Literally the second thing I saw was a safety pin taped to the door sign that says "Faculty/Staff Lounge."

That was one little bright spot in a sea of crap. I keep reminding myself that I'm lucky to live where I do and lucky to work where I do, because at least there is the thinnest level of insulation while I'm at work.
posted by mudpuppie at 10:46 AM on November 15, 2016 [11 favorites]


My husband and I are so overwrought with all of this and literally don't even know who we can trust anymore beyond a very tiny group of people. It's badly affected relationships in our respective families that will probably never recover and we're so wary of people in general that we haven't socialized with anyone since this happened.

Despite being atheists, my husband and I discussed going this weekend to a UU church with a predominately LGBTQ congregation (I am Pan, he's an outspoken ally ) for some solace. Someone graffitied it with swastikas and other things overnight last night. Cue a whole new round of bawling like a baby.

We've been flying our pride flag for months. I'm too pissed to take it down, too scared to leave it up. My entire world is upside down.
posted by _Mona_ at 10:52 AM on November 15, 2016 [9 favorites]


So I'm a huuuuuuuge introvert with major social anxiety (couldn't phonebank for Hillary I'M SORRY I FEEL AWFUL) but after pacing for like half an hour this morning with my (Republican) Representative's number typed into my phone, I called.

I DID THE THING.

A guy picked up who was super nice, said after my little speech that he's been hearing a lot about Steve Bannon's appointment and it's definitely on their radar, and with a super shaky voice I thanked him for listening and being receptive and that was the end.

I AM STILL ALIVE.

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who contributed their own scripts for these calls, as it was a huge help in making me feel like I can do this.
posted by erratic meatsack at 11:02 AM on November 15, 2016 [60 favorites]


I just wanted to say that I've done something weird to my browser, I think, because I can't add favorites, I just get a pop up that says the page is still loading when I try, but I want to favorite each and every one of you.

Thank you for sharing your stories, your coping strategies, your anger, your outrage, your hearts and souls. I've been on this site (previous incarnation and this one) since 09/2001. You've been there with me through my unexpected pregnancy, you were there during my 27 hour labor, the nurse literally prying the laptop from my hands as they rolled me away to surgery, you've been there as Boy went from colicky infant to rocking bass player in the jr high jazz band, and general malcontent teenager. You've been there through deaths, and personal loss, and unbelievable highs. And I've been there for your highs and lows, your marriages, your divorces, your children, your blockbuster books, your secret nanowrimo porn. We've lost members, we've gained so many too. All of them valuable voices.

In the 15 years I've been a member here, we've evolved so much. A site that could have taken the path of Fark, has instead become one of the kindest, most evolved, most inclusive sites on the godforsaken hellhole that the internet has become. This site has introduced people to real feminism, to gender identity, to the actual harm suffered by people of color in the America, just to name a few. We, as a community have evolved, and I as a person have evolved so much because of the people who are MetaFilter.

I am a better person, because of all of you.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 11:08 AM on November 15, 2016 [45 favorites]


fist bump to erratic meatsack. I also called my representatives re: Steve Bannon. And then I bawled like a baby because this of all things snapped me out of my shock and woke me up to the fact that this is real. This is not a terrible dream, I am not in a mirror universe. This is our life now. A constant struggle just to keep our heads above water.
posted by AFABulous at 11:37 AM on November 15, 2016 [15 favorites]


Someone I know came up with an interesting idea today for a web project that might give me something to do with myself to feel a bit more productive, if it gets off the ground. Maybe even if it doesn't, I could probably just use some non-work busywork for my evenings as soon as I'm done with the moving. But I'd rather be working on something that turns out to be useful.
posted by Sequence at 1:41 PM on November 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Despite being atheists, my husband and I discussed going this weekend to a UU church

If it helps, our UU church is known as "that atheist church" in our town. We have a very active group of atheists/humanists (and a lot of agnostics like me). One of our founders was blacklisted from a job in the 50s because of his atheism. Different UU churches come in different more/less religious flavors, but no one will demand that you believe or pray anything, ever. It's in our principles that everyone has freedom of conscience, including the freedom to never believe.

(not shilling, just letting you know you would be ok; feel free to memail if you have more questions).
posted by emjaybee at 2:20 PM on November 15, 2016 [7 favorites]


I filtered my Foreign Policy Morning Updates subscription out of my email inbox; it turns out that I can't handle getting Headlines From Your Dystopian Nightmare sent directly to me. I'm also recoiling with anxiety when I'm tempted to check news sites, even my local news. I don't know how to navigate a need to keep informed (and thus engaged and active) but also not needing every piece of awful news overwhelming my head/heart immediately (even though I know that's what the media and the Trump machine want and benefit from). And if I get all my news from Metafilter or links I click on Twitter, I feel guilty about getting my news from a bubble--but it feels less like an existential void because at least I can hear other people screaming, too.
posted by mixedmetaphors at 3:48 PM on November 15, 2016 [9 favorites]


Oh, and I meant to also say thank you to everyone sharing their stories & experience about their grief and their coping / not-coping this past week. I can't imagine how much worse I'd feel if I didn't know there were so many other people out there working with/through similar feelings.
posted by mixedmetaphors at 3:50 PM on November 15, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm drafting another post, after telling myself "i'm never making another MeTa". I can't deal with the walls of "but u don't understand, if we just TALKED to the white racists and brought them in to our home!" on lefty facebook, and even in the fpp thread here a bit.

there's a swastika on a telephone pole a block from my house. i'm not going to post a damn photo(it is online, people have), but it's there. this is in capitol hill in seattle, less than a block from probably at least 3 different gay bars. there were multiple reports of white supremacists walking around and in trucks(one group WAVING KKK FLAGS) within blocks of my house this weekend.

i'm probably not going to post all that much for a while unless something heinous really motivates me to... i'm just fucking tired. there's been some good community meetings, and i'm feeling ok about my city in general... but fuck.
posted by emptythought at 4:41 PM on November 15, 2016 [30 favorites]


FUUUUUCK, emptythought. Fuck them all.
posted by corb at 5:54 PM on November 15, 2016 [12 favorites]


I gave myself a week's timeout after the horror show. I didn't read, watch or listen to any news no matter the source. I tried to read through the remainder of the post election posts, this one included, but I would become despondent, sad, tired, depressed, angry, powerless. I knew I couldn't look at anything, including news around Australia, local, state or federal because it would bring out the RWNJs at all levels. I've even curtailed going to my local (and very good) butcher, because he enjoys throwing out random controversial comments in what would otherwise be fun banter.

So today, I'm beginning to read a few things. Two articles on the USA election; one by Dave Pell on Medium and an update on The P-elect's transition team turmoil. I'm not heartened by either of them, but I'm also not immediately nauseous either.

I'd already decided not to visit family in a deeply red state for the holidays. Primarily because my chronic illness makes being in a static sitting position even for an hour, deeply painful. But also knowing that I would be in a place that would prefer I not exist for at least three separate reasons. This is even more the case now that the hatred and anger of so much of the US's population has been set loose to do it's damage. It's unlikely I'll see my ageing Mother (an ardent HRC supported and idealist at heart) face-to-face again.

As a part of reengaging, I've finally and belatedly helped fund Metafilter. I couldn't cope without this place. I've also made a small donation to the ACLU to help with battles in the USA. I'm going to look for similar places to make a few donations in Australia to fight off the growing conservative movements, both in the LNP and third parties such as One Nation.

I'm not much of a hugger, but I'd like to offer all of you here a large one.
posted by michswiss at 6:10 PM on November 15, 2016 [6 favorites]


A week on, and I still can't grasp that this is happening. I feel like Gwyneth Paltrow in "Sliding Doors" and instead of walking into a waiting underground train, I've stepped through the hellmouth.

The whole experience is really horrifying.

I can't look at the NY Times. I can barely read Gothamist, and I'm very gingerly looking at the election FPPs. My BF will ask me if I want to hear about a Times news alert that has hit our phones. Sometimes I say yes.

Living in Manhattan, I am surrounded by likeminded horrified liberals who, like me, lined up to vote against him. Thankfully, my BF's dear family are all equally liberal as we are, so there won't be any tension for the holidays.

I feel so goddamned vulnerable as a working woman who's 50 years old and (up till last Wednesday) had illusions about retiring before she's practically dead. And unless I can find a job with health benefits, I still won't have insurance for the foreseeable future.

The BF and I had an actual serious discussion about emigrating (he has an Irish passport), but the whole process sounds so long and expensive and fraught with uncertainty that I don't know if I could go through with it. It's not like either of us has a super-high-value skill that would make us a cinch to find a job in the EU.

All I know is that I've pretty much lost hope for the next decade, and maybe longer.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:28 PM on November 15, 2016 [5 favorites]


My husband and I are delaying going to bed because we're both afraid of how much worse tomorrow (and the day after, and after) will be.
posted by _Mona_ at 7:11 PM on November 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


I would recommend looking for community events with likeminded people. Election-related ones. I've attended two of them, and it helps so much to talk to likeminded people who are equally upset about the election results. (And I am so not a "community events" or "talking to strangers" person!)
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 8:41 PM on November 15, 2016 [7 favorites]


I finally made my "concession call" to my father, as he put it, wherein I acknowledged the fact that Trump did in fact win. He's really proud of being a Trump voter in a swing state right now. He's kind of in denial - says he's only met one MAGA displayer that talked about white supremacy with him. But he wears MAGA gear everywhere now, so he's identifying as One Of The Good Ones, so who would?

I hate that my father who taught me about how terrible the Nazis were is basically wearing the modern equivalent of an armband.
posted by corb at 1:19 AM on November 16, 2016 [27 favorites]


a monster truck with a GIGANTIC American flag rolled past me yesterday
It makes my mouth water to think about coming across that truck in a parking lot.
Fuck it; I'm a middle-aged white lady with glasses in a wheelchair. I have not-getting-beaten-up privileges.
posted by angrycat at 1:39 AM on November 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


My mom told my sister and I last night that if she finds out we didn't vote for the Republican candidate that she'd disinherit us. I've been gradually drawing back over the years and I have some family stuff that makes this more complicated, but 2017 might be the year where I cut ties.
posted by brilliantine at 6:04 AM on November 16, 2016 [12 favorites]


brilliantine, this sounds like a great opportunity to tell your mom to go ahead and disinherit you just on principle. I wouldn't want to be in the will of someone whose love and acceptance wasn't 100% unconditional.
posted by cooker girl at 7:16 AM on November 16, 2016 [6 favorites]


So your mom explicitly said that she's willing to pay you to vote a certain way. I bet she's worried as hell about voter fraud, too.

DTMFAM.
posted by Etrigan at 7:17 AM on November 16, 2016 [6 favorites]


I say take her money and donate it to progressive causes when she dies, but I'm particularly bitter today.
posted by corb at 7:18 AM on November 16, 2016 [21 favorites]


I haven't been near my father for twenty years and that's a good thing. I don't obsessively monitor him but he's the ninety year old president of the gardening club and I hope he hybridizes something beautiful with a beak and sharp teeth. Pretty sure I know how he voted.

Here on the ground, I go to Dr. appointments and try to explain that my not anticipating the physical injury I sustained is the real problem because I was having trouble with depth perception and stairs looked flat before that happened. But no, what happened had everything to do with something else, so I spend lots of time in waiting rooms with the unwashed and they are totally stressed out parents because taking one kid for an appointment means taking all three out of school because nobody is going to be home for the other two and mom had to step out for a phone call and I got six little eyes on me cause they can tell I've been paying attention to the state of their mom.

Well, I had chocolate and I don't eat it in front of other people because they would discover what I am. I have no tolerance for sweetness or light beyond the trinity of the beans.

Coffee, chocolate and vanilla must be consumed in individual ceremonies with equal weight and the same number of candles. I am the alien saviour who conquers with proper supplies of each and the kids already knew that. They could smell me or something. The boy won't take a piece, has obviously read Hansel's account of that prior mess and asks me what happened to Skylab. Oh this is a test, is it? His sisters aren't eating the chocolate so much as letting it melt and dribble out of their mouths but they are paying attention to their spokesman.

Skylab reentered earths orbit when I was a couple years older than you and I think it scattered across Australia? I remember people there being worried about the nuclear fuel supply.

He ate some chocolate and asked me about the shuttle exploding. I'd only passed part one of a very critical test, but I told him how both my son's parents got in trouble the day of the first one for laughing. That took him a minute but he sure did soften. Why did you laugh?

It was absurd. We got herded into auditoriums to watch and the damn thing blew up and nobody had any clue what to say to us and you just have to laugh when everything goes to hell like that and all the authority figures around you are dumbstruck. In your own life, what did you think was going up and then exploded? All of a sudden the girls had lots to say and I would have rather met them in a psychiatrist's waiting room.

I'm hovering above the room looking at the top of the water cooler because this, this is pain. Whats wrong with me is nothing. And I've only got a random amount of time to convince them that they are absolutely not responsible.

Kids wanted a piece of raw meat, not chocolate.

Note to MF: don't ask me to sit.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:28 AM on November 16, 2016 [4 favorites]


I've just had to deactivate Facebook and I told my family not to include me in any group texts for a while. All my fight has been given and I just can't even anymore.

I have to deal with my father this weekend. Uber Republican, loved it when Rush Limbaugh talked about "femi-Nazis," has never ever ever valued anything I've ever said or done, and clearly loves and likes all my other siblings. Just not me.

He and my mother are planning on moving up here to be closer to be because I'm the only child they share (the others are my half sibs, all his; I'm my mother's only child) and my mother never had the backbone to just fucking leave the asshole who mentally abused the both of us. They're coming up this weekend for my daughter's play and to look around at areas to live. How the fuck am I supposed to deal with this? I was ambivalent about them moving here before the election but now?

I'm just so tired. So, so tired.
posted by cooker girl at 8:39 AM on November 16, 2016 [15 favorites]


Sorry, meant to bring that back around to what I see happening in adults around me.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:43 AM on November 16, 2016


That'll do, Mr. Yuck, that'll do.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:59 AM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


{{{{{{{cooker girl}}}}}}}
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:01 AM on November 16, 2016 [6 favorites]


{{{{{Metafilter:}}}}}
posted by Wilbefort at 10:00 AM on November 16, 2016 [8 favorites]


I'm seeing my parents and my aunt for "early Thanksgiving" on Saturday. My parents most likely voted for Clinton, or worst-case-scenario was third party or abstaining from casting a presidential vote altogether. My aunt, however, is likely to have voted for Trump.

I'm taking a train to another state to meet them for the day, and have already booked my return ticket. I've also made quiet note of any earlier trains scheduled that day, so if need be, I can calmly get up, ask the maitre'd where we are to call me a cab, and make an early exit.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:26 AM on November 16, 2016 [6 favorites]


I had written a comment for the 'art in my space' thread but shelved it after the election because of reasons described below (30 days passes fast). I wanted to still share the things though and it was election fallout that kept me from sharing. I am super fortunate and get to teach a number of middle school art classes (alongside my social studies) in a country that likely falls on one of those absurd, illegal and vile lists that are being promised and made (we ignore promises at our peril). It's amazing facilitating students making great creations, double nice is that I am definitely hoping to be putting some of my students work up at home after I display it in the front hall. These are just some of the creations (block printed posters). Wrote this a while ago, been putting off sharing because I'm now having to try to walk through the shock and difficulty of hearing questions from my grade 7 students, some of whom have had dreams of studying in American universities down the road asking me questions like "does this mean I can't go to the United States", "that they don't want me there" and "do people hate us"? Smart students. Missing out on them would be a loss for the USA, they will succeed *wherever* they are. How is it possible there are adults who don't understand, or are papering over how horrible the proposals coming from the President Elect are. Young people can understand how broken these ideas are. What is wrong with people who cannot see the hatred, and vicious danger in their proposed actions. Grade sevens I teach can discuss and clearly explain the dangers and problems built into religious, ethnic, social, political and gender based bigotry (particularly that which is perpetrated by the State), what has happened to adults for them to not have learned/absorbed this. Best wishes to everyone dealing with all the facets of this fallout. To those targeted individuals in direct danger and facing a nation that seems to be so stacked with hatred, you are in my thoughts, and the thoughts of many people around the world. To borrow the echo of a phrase, Love Wins, let that be our battle cry response to this surge of hate, let it be heard around the world.
posted by infinite intimation at 11:13 AM on November 16, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm still completely bereft at the state of things. I can barely function. I even got sick - even my immune system is revolting. I can't even manage a potluck at work tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I'm saying I have an appointment and taking off for an hour and a half.

I'm feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety and self judgment over how I feel about all of this. I wake up from nightmares about structurally unsound buildings and wandering the same loop, over and over again, and I can't find my way out. Has anyone seen a therapist? Has that helped?

I do love the thought of helping teach English. What a positive way to give something back. And the knitting for protesters and refugees!

I feel like I need to do something positive, for others, instead of getting stuck in my own head.
posted by onecircleaday at 1:11 PM on November 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


Doctor visit today. After the usual stuff I started talking about my anxiety and depression. That's where I broke down sobbing. So embarrassing. So it seems that I'll be doubling my Paxil to the maximum dose. She also prescribed Buspar. I guess I'll know how it turns out in a few weeks.
posted by Splunge at 1:21 PM on November 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


It's not exactly modeling good behavior to jump to the end and say "I haven't read the thread, but..." but the situation on my end is that where I'm at is I haven't been able to read it. Which for a MetaTalk thread is sort of remarkable for me. But I've been struggling to keep up with the everything-else of MetaFilter the last week, and work with the mod team to make new triage-for-our-triage plans, and process my own shit about the election, and keep up with stuff on the blue without blowing up about anything, and and and. And the idea of carving out the emotional reserve to read this too was just overwhelming.

I'll come back and read it some day. But mostly I'm glad it was here for you all regardless, as part of getting through this shitstain of an electoral outcome.

I'm having a hard time really sorting through my own feelings and figuring out what feels like a productive way to approach the situation besides just keeping on keeping on for the sake of basic life-won't-stop-for-this day-to-day continuity. I've been doing serious writing more than usual the last several days; here a little, on facebook a bit (here's a thing about rejecting normalization), on sharing serious thoughts on twitter largely in lieu of my usual puns, and doing some journaling on paper to try and focus some of my thoughts and track where I'm out in a channel that doesn't tie back into the always-on, instant-feedback aspects of internet conversation. It's been...okay. I'm a lot more angry right now than I'm accustomed to being, in a prevailing-mood sort of way, and doing more writing has been helping.

I have a lot of negative feelings about the state we're all finding ourselves in, but despite all of that—and I've said it before and I'm gonna say it again, who knows how many times—I am profoundly grateful that this place exists, and that you're all here, and that we're able to be here together and fall back on each other as a community when shit is hard.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:41 PM on November 16, 2016 [53 favorites]


Just statistically speaking, most of y'all are probably cis and hetero (or bi in hetero partnerships). Please, please reach out to your trans and queer friends to check in. "Hey, you been eating and sleeping okay?" We are freaking the fuck out.

Lots of my trans groups on Facebook have a significant uptick in the number of inquiry about self-defense classes, pepper spray, and concealed carry. Once Obamacare is repealed, probably 80% of my trans friends will lose their insurance (if they had any) and if executive orders are reversed, the rest may lose coverage for HRT and surgery. I'm going to assume sliding scale clinics that serve LGBT people are at risk of being defunded. People will die.
posted by AFABulous at 3:25 PM on November 16, 2016 [12 favorites]


Thank you cortex.

I'm hunting and pecking with one hand as I broke my wrist in fairly spectacular style the Friday after the election (okay, not so spectacular; I was dragging a futon into the living room to get ready for a houseguest, and tripped-- bang on the wooden floor, glasses amazingly unharmed, blood from a split lip all over, and a classic Colles fracture deformation).

The drugs are not bad, except for the propofol with which they knocked me out before setting and casting the arm; coming off it was godawful, double vision, doubled hearing, and tears that were streaming from my eyes because of the election, because my partner was in Seattle and could not get back until the next day, because of the wounded animal state pain reduces us to. But mostly the election; the feeling that everything I love and value has been crushed in front of me and I had no fucking clue it was coming. I'm Canadian, so perhaps less in touch and correspondingly more naive. I do not want this to be the end of civilization.

It doesn't have to be. I'll be supporting good (truthful, fact based, literate, historically informed, contemplative) media as much as I can; there's help to offer and outreach to be done, and making damn sure that our government stays off the same path. I'm heading for sixty, and there is a huge pull to retreat to the little house we bought this year on the so-called Sunshine Coast and settle in for gardening and potlucks with the other aging white hippies who skated on their privilege to sanctuary. But abandonment is not acceptable.

I'm also so grateful for Metafilter; you all have kept me company through the gathering storm and are a lifeline now that it has broken over us.
posted by jokeefe at 3:48 PM on November 16, 2016 [5 favorites]


I've been struggling to keep up with the everything-else of MetaFilter the last week, and work with the mod team to make new triage-for-our-triage plans, and process my own shit about the election, and keep up with stuff on the blue without blowing up about anything, and and and.

Reading this made me realize that the questions I recently asked over on the green probably made more work for you, for which I am genuinely sorry. I want to do better. Is there a guide to (for lack of a better way to put it) "how to be a mefite in a way that doesn't add to the mods' work load"?
posted by StrawberryPie at 3:54 PM on November 16, 2016


A FABulous, I am right now doing as you suggested and checking in with trans friends, both in the States and here; as we know, fear doesn't stop at the border.
posted by jokeefe at 3:57 PM on November 16, 2016 [4 favorites]


I kind of thought things were getting better—lots of work on my plate, etc. Then last night I was looking for something to read and I realized I could not bear to read anything I would normally love. I ended up reading a short story by Ring Lardner that kind of did the trick, but it was so weird to feel disconnected from something that's such a huge part of me. Anyway, I also ate almost an entire freaking cheese ball with crackers for lunch, so I guess that's how things are progressing.

This thread helps a lot. Thank you. I am sending peace to all of you.
posted by mynameisluka at 4:25 PM on November 16, 2016


Thank you, cortex. Your Facebook post (linked above) says so much of what I have been thinking but haven't been able to articulate. Since the election I haven't been back to FB and was considering never looking at it again, but today I went there just to share your post.
posted by a fish out of water at 5:07 PM on November 16, 2016


Tonight I went to a pub quiz with a regular group of friends, and we wound up winning again. Next week we're all going (or so the plan goes--I don't have reservations yet) to a Thanksgiving dinner thrown at a local bar by another American. It'll be the first time Mrs. Example and I have had Thanksgiving with other people since we've moved here.

It's not world-shaking political activism or anything, but it's sure nice to be reminded that not everything is godawful and that there are still good people out there in the world that I can interact with personally. It didn't feel that way for a lot of the last week.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:00 PM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Has anyone seen a therapist? Has that helped?

Yes, it helped me to see my therapist this week tremendously, though I was already seeing her regularly, so there's an existing relationship.

Thank you to whoever above suggested listening to jazz. Because of that suggestion, I switched from my usual NPR in the car to the local jazz station, and it has helped.

This is so totally stupid, but I have a first date on Saturday, which will be my first first date post-divorce, which means my first first date in about 12 years, and all I can think about is whether he voted for Trump, and how I will exit dinner if I found out he voted for Trump (do I need to pay for my half if I leave midway through?). He's an immigrant, I don't even know if he could vote, and it seems unlikely he voted for Trump, but that's pretty much the only thing I care about about him right now, and I care about it to the point that it's causing anxiety.

Monday was my first day back to work after the election, and it was incredibly rough. Not because of anyone else -- everyone I work with has been very vocally anti-Trump -- but just trying to pretend to be normal again. I am amazed at the strength of everyone here who's soldiering on.
posted by lazuli at 6:28 PM on November 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm mostly a lurker these days, but I am profoundly grateful for the existence of Metafilter. I have to vomit this out, somewhere, and Metafilter is the best place to do it.

My cat died on Sunday the sixth, and I had to take two days off work for grief. Then the election happened, and everything went to hell, and I've had to work non-stop since Wednesday to make up for my missed time over the cat.

I don't know if I had an anxiety disorder before this election, but I sure do now. I had to give up pot, alcohol, and coffee because they all trigger my anxiety to much now. I had what was probably an unhealthy drinking habit before, and I suspect part of my ongoing problem might be issues of alcohol and caffeine dependence, but I'm not getting tremors or headaches or anything, so I seem to be okay on that front. I don't know when, or if, I'll be able to start having those things again.

I've hardly had any appetite and have been having what are clearly panic attacks. I've lost eight pounds since the election, and I'd already lost about ten pounds before that over the course of the year without really trying; of course, I was a little over weight because I drank too much. Reading about anxiety online made me start to suspect I've had a low grade anxiety disorder for a while. I went to Zoom Clinic, which is a thing they have in Portland and I don't know where else that lets you do next day appointments, and they prescribed a non-benzo thing for anxiety and an anti-depressant. Of course, I'm anxious about the anti-depressant, too, because one of my other meds can cause serotonin-syndrome mixed with it. I still desperately miss my cat.

I can't keep the idea that Trump is going to start a nuclear war or otherwise collapse our civilization. I feel like I won't have peace of mind until I have a sure-fire way for my wife and I to kill ourselves just in case a full collapse of world civilization (particularly via nuclear war) occurs, because I don't want to die of radiation poisoning or be slaughtered by warlords. My wife and I both have so many health problems anyway that we couldn't survive regardless. I need to look into counseling; the Zoom clinic referred me to a location for a Counseling service in the middle of Portland and I'm in Beaverton, and the last thing I need is to drive through traffic after work to go get counseling. I just checked their website though and there's a closer location, so I'm going to call as soon as I post this, though it might be too late tonight.

My wife and I have been rewatching New Radio to get us through. We used to turn to Azumanga Daioh for comfort, but Kumura is unpleasant and anxiety triggering right now. I don't know what the fuck we're going to watch once we've killed New Radio. Futurama, maybe. I don't like a lot of typical comedies that people turn to for comfort food, like Friends or 30 Rock or Parks and Rec. How I Met Your Mother, which used to be one of my favorite shows, doesn't really hold up.

Jesus, I can't even imagine what I'd do if my parents or in-laws were Republicans. I have a lot of privilege. I'm very lucky. I'm a cis hetwhite man, I have a decent, if not great, job that I've been at for a long time and is unlikely to be hit too hard by an economic downswing (though who knows, I update medical records, if medicare gets gutted badly enough things could get bleak at work), my wife has what is hopefully a stable job in web development at a small, growing company, and so far as she's told me her coworkers are liberal enough that she's not being confronted with hate on the job. We bought a condo last year and it's appreciated a lot already. I donated too much to Clinton and Progressive causes, so we're not quite as good financially as I wish but we're probably not going to get evicted. I feel guilty that so many other people are going to be so much worse off than us, but I'm still selfishly worrying about us, mostly. I can't not.

I feel like I'm falling apart. I hope this anti-depressant helps, soon.
posted by Caduceus at 6:29 PM on November 16, 2016 [18 favorites]


I love you all.
posted by Caduceus at 6:33 PM on November 16, 2016 [9 favorites]


Take care of yourself, Caduceus.
posted by Tsuga at 6:51 PM on November 16, 2016 [7 favorites]


I took Metafilter's recommendation and watched, with delight, The Detectorists. It's on Netflix, and it's oddly healing. Might be worth a try?
posted by jokeefe at 7:04 PM on November 16, 2016 [5 favorites]


Caduceus, I am so sorry to hear about your cat. I had to have my own cat put down the day after the election and it took several days before I was able to fully begin to really comprehend and grieve both of these losses. My appetite started coming back this past Sunday. Try to give yourself time and please take care of yourself.
posted by bookmammal at 7:05 PM on November 16, 2016 [5 favorites]


Just statistically speaking, most of y'all are probably cis and hetero (or bi in hetero partnerships). Please, please reach out to your trans and queer friends to check in. "Hey, you been eating and sleeping okay?" We are freaking the fuck out.

My nephew is trans (gender non-binary, to be specific, started HRT recently, and doesn't mind male pronouns for the time being), is freaking out, and I am worried sick about him. He disappeared for about a week in the summer and he's been suicidal in the past. On top of everything, he's a veteran and is getting all of his therapy, HRT, etc. through the VA. And now some of that has stopped. His parents aren't un-supportive but they're not great, either. He's still being active on social media and I've told him he can come live with me if he needs to (but he has two kids he has shared custody of)...I just keep in contact and let him know I love him no matter what.

I hope it's enough. Is there anything else I should be doing?
posted by cooker girl at 7:10 PM on November 16, 2016 [4 favorites]


DONT BLAME ME
I VOTED FOR
#1 QUIDNUNC KID

posted by not_on_display at 7:26 PM on November 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


There's a special election for the governor in 2017, in Virginia. I'm going to try to get on it.

I want to go home, to Chicago, but I won't get far on three months worth of work, even if I have letters of recommendation. And there's bad guys to fight. So I figure it's either that or hiding Muslim folks in my basement.

I miss my city, and I miss my people. But I don't know what else to do.
posted by dogheart at 7:29 PM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Has anyone seen a therapist? Has that helped?

Yes, but when I tearfully asked if there were pills that would help me feel better, she gently said no, and somehow that made it even worse. There are not quick ways out of this.
posted by snickerdoodle at 7:32 PM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


So. I got all of my needed meds today. Except for the generic Paxil. In fact, the pharmacy didn't tell me that they were out of it. I had to get home and find out that the medication that I was so very much looking forward to, was not there. It made me very angry. Anger is just part of depression as far as I can tell. The thing is that paroxetine takes a while to get working. Anywhere from two to four weeks. It was on back order. So I won't get it until Saturday. Meanwhile I took two Buspar as soon as I got it. Buspar is... interesting. It feels like nitrous oxide for the brain. When I go to the dentist, nitrous lets me know that I'm feeling something, and it might be pain. But it's not that important right then. Buspar gives me the same feeling. I may think of something that would normally make me feel horrible. But it isn't the end of the world. I can see it from a place outside of emotion. Not that it's gone away. Just that I can... I don't know, maybe see it differently?

Sorry if this is rambling. Time to take all of the rest of my meds and sleep.

Tomorrow is not so much a new day. But hopefully a different day.

Love to all.
posted by Splunge at 7:44 PM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Yes, but when I tearfully asked if there were pills that would help me feel better, she gently said no, and somehow that made it even worse. There are not quick ways out of this.

Heh, that's actually more or less the message I got from my therapist -- not so much about meds, just that this is a long-term crisis and there are no short-term fixes -- and it helped me quell my MUST DO SOMETHING TO FIX THIS IMMEDIATELY anxiety and pressure. We're in this for the long haul, and we need to pace ourselves.
posted by lazuli at 7:51 PM on November 16, 2016 [10 favorites]


Thank you. I'll do my best. Hang in there, everyone.
posted by Caduceus at 8:08 PM on November 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


Caduceus take care and you are not alone! I didn't have a cat die and I'm a wreck and half my mind seems constantly filled with horror thoughts about the future including nuclear war. It's hard to concentrate but I have a lot of work to do. I spent about 15 minutes tonight telling the ceo of the company my fears and he validated them and shared them.
posted by R343L at 10:01 PM on November 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


I've seen my therapist twice (luckily I pre-booked an emergency appointment). She is as stumped and stressed and worried as everyone else. Plus at least one of her clients is a Trump supporter wondering why their sign was vandalized. It's good for venting, but I think even the professionals don't know how things are going to go right now to give advice.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:05 PM on November 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Hang in there, Caduceus. Come out to a meetup again some time.

Is there a guide to (for lack of a better way to put it) "how to be a mefite in a way that doesn't add to the mods' work load"?

Not really. Mostly it just comes down to: show up. Be around, be patient, be kind. Do your best to make threads better as best you know how and be accommodating when other folks are having trouble. Other than that, don't sweat it too much if you stumble or cause a little bit of administrative friction; as mods it's our job to deal with that stuff.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:08 PM on November 16, 2016 [4 favorites]


Has anyone seen a therapist? Has that helped?

I had an appointment already scheduled with my psychiatrist for two days after the election. His response to my concerns was to wave it off, everything will be fine because checks and balances. This was the opposite of helpful.
posted by pemberkins at 5:46 AM on November 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


I had an appointment to see my therapist already booked; she helped me strategize some things out. The first - and best - decision was to get rid of NPR in the morning. Love you, Lakshmi Singh, but I can't deal with you right now.

The other thing I'm doing is bumping up my chest surgery. I'm Trans, I'm on Medicaid now, and it's approved until the end of 2017. WA State Medicaid covers Top Surgery, which is what I need. Unfortunately, they have hurdles to pass through. I completed the 1 year of necessary therapy, but I'm not taking Testosterone, which they also require, because it ramps up my anxiety. So now, my doctors (Psych and Endo) are talking to each other, to see if I can handle it with an upped dose of my Buspar, or if it's off the table completely for medical reasons. (That Buspar? Also makes everything feel fiiiiiine.)

I don't want to risk waiting to see if I can have surgery when I'm back on ObamaCare, just in case ObamaCare doesn't exist anymore.

(The other thing I'm doing is working on individual programming projects for my portfolio, so that I can stand out from the other Web Dev students at my school, and make myself even more hireable. It's just things like writing little food calculators in PHP whilst listening to punk, but it feels more productive to me than reading the Election Threads or getting into long, drawn out discussions on FB. And it lets me not think about the Evil Cheeto-Elect, if even for just two hours or so.)
posted by spinifex23 at 6:11 AM on November 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Speaking of Lakshmi Singh, et. al, I really feel for people in the news and press right now, because they can't escape it. I never thought it was a privilege, but it really is to be able to zone out of the news for a few days, form a cocoon, and recalibrate myself.

Considering that I nearly went into Journalism instead of Tech. I could be one of those people who has to constantly report on the makings of the new Administration, whilst also having to quell the abject fear that that Administration gives me.
posted by spinifex23 at 6:14 AM on November 17, 2016 [7 favorites]


Hang in there, Caduceus. Come out to a meetup again some time.

I want to. If I hadn't had to work I would have tried to make the Superman day. It's hard. I work a lot, and I'm quite introverted, and it's hard enough to find time to see my family and friends and still do everything else I need to do. In fact it's too hard, I hardly ever see my friends anymore either, they have lives and families too and live in up in Clark County, and I live in Beaverton.

But I need community more than I ever have right now. I'm going to do my best to make it to future Portland meetups.
posted by Caduceus at 7:14 AM on November 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Thank you all for being here. I am generally a lurker here; I find it very hard to post to the internet anywhere without fighting through a flare-up of anxiety, so usually I write something and then close the page without posting it. I am so grateful to those of you who bravely hit the Post Comment button.

Ramblings: I phone-banked and canvassed and donated and delivered swag, planted a sign in my yard and a sticker on my car. Most of my family voted for that buffoon. Still not sure if Thanksgiving is happening. My sister and I are the hosts and invited family all voted against equality and more perfection in our Union. She and I took turns trying to write a letter to our parents explaining why we are so upset. After several tries we had something that was only as inflammatory as necessary. We got back an inline response that was basically my Dad leaning into the mic and saying "wrong". His strict Catholic father came to the US from Germany on the last boat allowed into harbor as the war began. As a kid, I always imagined that he had left due to political feeling, but in reality he hated Jewish people and had left to find better job prospects. I have been sick with some allergy-turned sinus infection since last week. My head aches and my heart is sick and my stomach wants nothing. That being said, today feels a tiny sliver better. Phone calls and testimony against a racist new textbook in Texas seem like they will make a difference. Thankfully, I have stopped arguing with my parents in my head, and for some reason my brain is instead singing about shrimp po' boys and cold beer. I wish for every one of you to achieve whatever peace is possible at this time, so we can gather strength to fight.

Bravely clicking 'Post Comment' now...
posted by tingting at 7:27 AM on November 17, 2016 [24 favorites]


Anyone else having dizzy spells post-election? Here is my list of symptoms - I have medication for everything, but the dizzy spells are new.

- nausea
- stomach pains
- trouble sleeping
- chest pains (minor, not enough for ER)
- hyperventilating
- dizzy spells
- headaches
- trouble concentrating
- loss of appetite
- panic attacks
posted by AFABulous at 9:24 AM on November 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


cooker girl, are you able to help pay for therapy and HRT if the VA is not covering it? Or help with the legwork to make them cover it (I think they are supposed to cover HRT at least). If you give me your nephew's location I can help find a sliding scale clinic. For example, Planned Parenthood has trans health services in some locations.
posted by AFABulous at 9:43 AM on November 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


For those of us in Sanctuary Cities (thank goodness) that are looking to lose Federal funds. Is there a Federal Tax Resistance movement we can start where (if we can) we just send our dollars to our city rather than the Feds?
posted by dipolemoment at 9:53 AM on November 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


AFABulous: most of those symptoms can be part of anxiety/panic attacks.
posted by softlord at 10:03 AM on November 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


2016 just keeps taking. We're at the hospital waiting for my boyfriend's father to pass away. Sending hugs in everyone's direction.
posted by ChuraChura at 10:04 AM on November 17, 2016 [19 favorites]


dipolemoment - I have heard talk of tax resistance movements, but if you're skittish about doing it, one thing you can do is pay small businesses in cash so as to make transactions less traceable, and let them make decisions for themselves.
posted by AFABulous at 10:07 AM on November 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


I've taken myself entirely off of Twitter and Facebook, as it has been too retraumatizing. Also has been helpful to try as best I can to focus on self-care, even as my brain screams at me about my privilege and my responsibility to save the world single-handedly.

Self-care is crucial right now. We are all doing what we can, even if what we are doing is smiling at someone on the street or hugging our loved ones extra tight.

I want to encourage my fellow freelance work-from-home folk to do their best to work from a coffee shop or other place-with-seats-and-wifi. And be sure to tip your baristas, who have to keep up their customer service behaviors.

My father was a pathological narcissist so a lot of the behaviors I'm seeing echo back to earlier trauma. My own therapist told me that she's found that people with personalized abuse/trauma seem to be not faring as well as those in marginalized groups who are regular victims of systemic trauma.

Basically I've been trying my best to not cocoon, take care of myself, and dip in to doing what I can do a little bit every day (donating to Foster Campbell, checking in with my fellow at-risk friends) and forgiving myself for not being on the front lines on day one. We will be needed on day 100 too.
posted by softlord at 10:09 AM on November 17, 2016 [9 favorites]


Just had a quick appointment with my PoC psych person, and necessarily brought up the election in regard to anxiety symptoms, and after discussing a few political details, he said "But none of that is going to affect you or me, right?" and I felt like responding "Well I'm a white guy, so I think I probably won't be reported as an unregistered Muslim..." and expressing concern that the course of events might not be so great for him, or women or non-cis-het people, or many others.

But, I assume he was fulfilling his professional duties, so I meekly agreed. Or maybe he really isn't concerned at all, he's pretty laid back. Though he did say he voted straight Democratic.

Hugs to everyone.
posted by Sockpuppet Liberation Front at 10:14 AM on November 17, 2016


"Well I'm a white guy, so I think I probably won't be reported as an unregistered Muslim..." and expressing concern that the course of events might not be so great for him, or women or non-cis-het people, or many others.



i think not saying that was a good way to go. I've had white people tell me they're worried for me, or I should be more worried, and it's kind of intimidating. I get that you're coming from a good place though.
posted by zutalors! at 10:18 AM on November 17, 2016 [12 favorites]


cooker girl, are you able to help pay for therapy and HRT if the VA is not covering it? Or help with the legwork to make them cover it (I think they are supposed to cover HRT at least). If you give me your nephew's location I can help find a sliding scale clinic. For example, Planned Parenthood has trans health services in some locations.

Unfortunately, no, we can't help pay for therapy/HRT. He actually works at the VA doing peer-to-peer counseling w/r/t trans issues so I think he is a really good self-advocate. I'll tell him about PP, though; I didn't know that was a possibility!
posted by cooker girl at 10:28 AM on November 17, 2016


cooker girl, expand "What health services can Planned Parenthood give me if I’m transgender?" on this page for locations.
posted by AFABulous at 10:34 AM on November 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


I hear NYC is coming soon, if that's relevant.
posted by AFABulous at 10:35 AM on November 17, 2016


Anyone else having dizzy spells post-election?

Yeah, for me they're generally correlated with my anxiety.
posted by lazuli at 10:37 AM on November 17, 2016


i think not saying that was a good way to go. I've had white people tell me they're worried for me, or I should be more worried, and it's kind of intimidating. I get that you're coming from a good place though.

Ah, yes, thank you for pointing that out. I wouldn't have actually said that, it's just what I was thinking, but your response makes me realize that my thinking is more calibrated after the year-plus of the election for trying to express to other cis-het-white guys why to be concerned about Trump's attitudes, and that many of the ways I try to say that would just be unnecessary or otherwise inappropriate in any other context.
posted by Sockpuppet Liberation Front at 11:02 AM on November 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Anyone else having dizzy spells post-election?

I've brought enough people into the vastly under advertised free mental health clinic in the last week that they've given me a list of no shows to check up on and they are paying me a little bit to do it and I like talking my way in and cajoling people into getting help. Mostly LGBTXYZ folks and this was already a tough place to be different. It's keeping me sane.

A lot of them are having dizzy spells, afraid of stairs. The sleep problems result in disruption of prescription doses. "Take one capsule 3 times daily" means nothing if you sleep for twenty hours after being awake for 3 days.

I'm a bit of legend around here for exterminating the sudden coyote invasion (don't get on me about that, they were killing full-grown sheep and got my prize-winning Alpaca) a couple winters ago and lots of people assume that because I can shoot mounted and moving better than any of them, I'm a right winger. But I'm not and because I don't need sights and am good with a horse, I don't fit the mold. I'm not trying to scare them into being respectful, but that's the end result. I'm the Konarmiya. Been called that which is weird cuz I'm half Polish and my relatives on that side had much to do with the destruction of that formation..

I walked in there yesterday with someone I had talked into going to the hospital. She had a flattop and everyone stopped talking and stared. I'd warned her. She said I didn't have to come in but I did. The owner rang up her toothpaste and was as friendly as he always is. If I'd been alone there would have been five conversations to eavesdrop.

We paused outside. "Why on earth would a woman do that to her hair?"

She wanted to go right back in and I took her hand and told her I have to live here or I'd help you kick some but then my house would get molotoved while I'm waiting on you at the hospital. Please get in the car. Your BP was already dangerous.

And that's the thing. If I stop patronizing that store I won't know what's going on around here. Local newspaper sucks. I could go to Walmart...

Pro tip: If you are not showering every day- you are probably depressed. And you people that work from home: maintain your normal routines. A high proportion of the casualties I see are people working from home. Don't sleep in your clothes. Eat something at regular intervals whether or not you are hungry Get the new DeLillo from the library to fill the time you used to spend on social media.

Also, if anyone is going to be down here turkey weekend, I've been asked to do Shooting 101. None of that center mass bullshit. We'll be going for the headshot. Memail.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 1:46 PM on November 17, 2016 [11 favorites]


I was starting to recover this week, but, ironically, watching everybody else around the office and on the street go back to normal has been incredibly traumatic for me. This facade of normalcy is overshadowing everything with a looming dread, because it reminds me that there will be no serious push-back from most of America against any given horrible thing the Trump admin decides to do.

Just like under Bush, the people fighting back will be proven right over and over again but the much larger majority just won't care enough to do anything about it. Sens. Schumer and Sanders sure as hell aren't helping that feeling right now, either.

There are just too many Good Germans out there.
posted by tobascodagama at 1:55 PM on November 17, 2016 [11 favorites]


Agreed, tobascodagama. The utter complacency and apathy are what hurt the most. I don't expect the barista to be in tears, because she needs a normal facade to keep her job, but my mom voted for HRC and she's just sending me links to things she thinks I'd like for Christmas. I'll be with liberals for Thanksgiving so I'm not worried about racists, but I am worried about the shruggy, "well we lost what can we do, you're being Chicken Little" attitude. (Christmas is with the other side of the family so it may need to be skipped entirely.)
posted by AFABulous at 2:09 PM on November 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


I thought this was interesting. Maybe it will help a couple of people here.

You Can Write Your Way Out of an Emotional Funk. Here’s How.
posted by Splunge at 3:05 PM on November 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Some people are coping by digging in to their routines. Just because they are talking about christmas stuff or walking down the street doesn't mean they aren't on their way home to call congresspeople or do what they can.
posted by softlord at 3:10 PM on November 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


Mr. Yuck: "LGBTXYZ"

Hi, please don't do this.
posted by capricorn at 3:34 PM on November 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


I spend lots of time in waiting rooms with the unwashed

Please don't do this.

unwashed-masses. Noun. (plural only) (idiomatic) The collective group ("mass") of people who are considered by someone to be somehow uneducated, uninformed, or in some other way unqualified for inclusion in the speaker's elite circles.
posted by Splunge at 4:39 PM on November 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm paying attention. I don't need a fight here. Appreciate the call outs. Best to you both.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:54 PM on November 17, 2016


To you as well. Not meant to be negative, sorry.
posted by Splunge at 4:56 PM on November 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


I should have said "people with no hot water" cause that's what's actually happening. There was a massive power surge that fried lots of appliances. The huge moon and the wildfires that gained a thousand acres today are an eerie psychological combination and I have to keep pointing that out to people who think it is fog. Some of the adjacent counties were code purple yesterday.

And capricorn: A passenger said "Why the fuck does anybody care if I'm LGBT or XYZ?" and it stuck in my head cause of the way he looked when he said it.

I'm not out here insensitively white knighting. I'm doing this because I'd be a puddle on the floor if I didn't and visiting other puddles is the right thing to do.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 5:46 PM on November 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


I stopped at the local pet store to buy cat food and the owner had put a sign in the window with a drawing of a safety pin and saying something like, "This store is a safe space. If you are the target of harassment due to your race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation, you can find help inside." I started tearing up reading it, so I'm not sure about the wording. The owner was behind the counter so I thanked her for her safety pin sign, and she said she was worried about putting up something "political" but then decided that statement "wasn't political, just basic human decency," then we both teared up, and there was an awkward pause where I wanted to say more but also didn't want her to lose any sales from the other people in the (small) store in case they were bigots, so we talked about cats for a little bit until I pulled it together to drive home.
posted by lazuli at 5:56 PM on November 17, 2016 [15 favorites]


Well, I pet a therapy dachshund today at the hospital, and my boyfriend's father passed away more quickly than we expected, without the painful back and forth lingering that I was anticipating. We then spent about four hours in the room with his body and all I could think of was the hospital scene from Little Miss Sunshine. But I held it together, we all held it together, and now I'm home alone with the cats for the evening watching ballets uploaded to youtube and Little Miss Sunshine.
posted by ChuraChura at 6:09 PM on November 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Some people are coping by digging in to their routines. Just because they are talking about christmas stuff or walking down the street doesn't mean they aren't on their way home to call congresspeople or do what they can.

I'd like to believe that, but again: I remember it being just like this in the Bush years, too. And with the way most elected Democrats behaved between 2001 and 2006 or so... yeah, it doesn't seem like enough people were calling their congressfolk back then, either.

But I'm being a Debbie Downer, and this is a coping thread, so I'll lay off.
posted by tobascodagama at 8:34 PM on November 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


I am watching this in glances of several papers on the web. It just gets worse and worse, with Trump displaying signs of dementia or Alzheimers, by forgetting what he said, things that are blatantly visible on media. I can take only glances, and then a new dose of dread. This whole thing has taken on a surreal feel like somehow time is being manipulated, and the cast of characters recast like random dice to see what the outcome will be. We are being set on a course of war, and the rest of the world is hanging jaw, just watching it. I am coping by limiting intake of these poisonous times.
posted by Oyéah at 9:03 PM on November 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


I started swimming again. I swam over a mile today! I'm ready to kick some red hat ass.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:43 PM on November 17, 2016 [9 favorites]


Nice! I got back to yoga which gave me some clarity about some other things in my life I was dragging ass about. Felt like a truck hit me the next day (who knew I had muscles over there?!) but feel stronger today. Also was on VPR talking about women and the election and managed to mention rape culture and intersectionality (and Did Not Speak His Name) so feeling good about that.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 6:00 AM on November 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


I seem to feel even more tired than I did a week ago, when I was just angry and full of protest plans.

Part of the shitfest of the week has been I was supposed to host Thanksgiving (my 3 kids, my sister and her husband, my mom and her husband, many others).

As I noted above my Trump-supporting mom decided to cut me (and her grandchildren) off for refusing to apologize for a literal list I sent her of things he said/promised to do, one being not allowing my daughter to marry.

So they decided they would not attend Thanksgiving. Ok, right?

As part of her peace-keeping initiative, my sister (who lives in the town next to me) decided to move forward in light and love and she invited my mom and her husband for Thanksgiving dinner at HER house.

But my kids and I are not invited.

I just... I am tired.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 9:14 AM on November 18, 2016 [13 favorites]


((((ChuraChura))))
posted by mightshould at 9:33 AM on November 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Thank you, all. Thank you for this thread and all of the others. You're all amazing.
posted by knownassociate at 9:51 AM on November 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I cried my way through my regularly scheduled bimonthly therapy appointment today. I was so proud of myself for not crying since Monday but realized during my crying it's only because I had shoved it down rather than processing and feeling it. I'm too overwhelmed by my feelings to take any action yet. I applaud everyone who has been able to take action but I'm not there yet.

Thank you for this thread. It really helps to hear I'm not alone in how I'm feeling about all of this.
posted by Burn.Don't.Freeze at 10:14 AM on November 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


Struck at how Obama has been the only president many school and college aged citizens have ever known. Not that it's a new thing, only knowing one leader, but it highlights the stark contrasts between Obama and Trump.
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:52 AM on November 18, 2016


yes I said yes I will Yes , hugs if you want them.
posted by lazuli at 2:02 PM on November 18, 2016


I had a vivid nightmare a couple of days ago that sort of creeped me the fuck out and is allusive as hell.

We have a really nice bathtub in nice new bathroom. I emphasize the niceness because in my old apartment, there was an evil black mold problem that the landlord refused to address, so bathing always felt like an experience you'd want to get through with quickly. I love our bathtub. I spend many quality moments there.

So in my dream, I was in the bathroom preparing for my bath, do do do, looked in the bathtub and was completely shocked to find it half-full of mud and sewage. And it was not like *shit I have to clean the bathtub now* it was *shit for the love of God what is happening.*

The morning after my dream I kind of laughed because in my lit class I teach when I talk about symbolism I start with very basic shit, like WATER can be a symbol of GOOD because it is LIFE SUSTAINING. HOWEVER, water can also be a symbol of DECAY or CORRUPTION if the body of water is presented as contaminated in some way.

It's kind of like my dream mind decided to consult my power point and was all *LET'S SEE IF THIS MESSAGE OF WARNING GETS THROUGH* and I was all, okay, got the message brain, thanks, unfortunately you're not helping though
posted by angrycat at 3:03 PM on November 18, 2016 [8 favorites]


I don't think I've seen this here yet, but Yoko Ono has the best response to Trump that I've seen anywhere.
posted by sunset in snow country at 11:45 PM on November 18, 2016 [7 favorites]


Remind me not to click on that again.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 6:41 AM on November 19, 2016


I think chonus's comment is worth repeating in its entirety:

I want more than anything to move to another country - any country that's decent - but I am not "useful" because I'm a secretary, so nowhere wants me. I would go anywhere and do anything to get out, but not being marketable means that I'm not of worth as a human being.

I'm white and straight and middle-aged and boring, so no one is actively coming after me here, but I'm one paycheck away from being homeless at any given time, and without the ACA I won't have any guarantee of mental health care that's remotely attainable. It's hard enough as it is -- and being a woman (though no longer young enough or slim enough to be "visible") just got a whole lot harder.

The Supreme Court he puts in is the Supreme Court I will have until I die. Up until yesterday, I thought I would see a liberal court for the first time since I was politically aware.

I fear for my friends of color, and my LGBTQIA friends, I fear for immigrants who aren't from white countries, I fear for Jewish people... I fear for anyone who presents as anything other than what people looked like in 1950s sit-coms. I fear for the country and the the world.


I am very much the same as chonus in many ways (white and straight and middle-aged and boring, although I am male), and I have been feeling very much the same way as she described.

I want so much for all the people like her and me to look squarely at the moral math, and accept the conclusion that the only principled course is to stick our individual and collective necks out as one and deliver an obstinate, unyielding NO to business as usual. Walk out of our jobs, sit down on the streets, bring things to a grinding halt.

Occupy America.
posted by perspicio at 11:55 AM on November 19, 2016 [6 favorites]


It's been pretty dark times but hearing my mom refer to Chelsea Manning with her correct preferred pronouns gave me a little twinge of joy.
posted by en forme de poire at 7:58 PM on November 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


I went to see my shrink on Thursday really needing to talk about the possibility of losing my Medicaid and having to go off my meds as a result. She had lost my appointment so she had someone else booked for my time slot. She agreed to give me a few minutes before the other person had their full session. I started talking about my worries and how I had twice heard young men in my neighborhood talking about how much they were looking forward to Trump letting them rape hispanic women and throw them off the wall. She just said that kids talk a lot of shit and I shouldn't let it bother me. What the actual fuck.

At least for a little while there I had a target for my outrage. Now I'm back to formless anxiety. Thinking about getting a gun. I can't even walk the dog without being afraid of my neighbors in this 99% red state.
posted by irisclara at 9:36 PM on November 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


Metafilter apocalypse theater, weird nightmare I just woke up from edition:

In this dream there was a couple getting married, but they had to do it really fast (like, next hour) because evidently our position was about to be overrun, and they likely both wouldn't survive the oncoming attack. So while the priest prepared the rites and a few folks assembled in our old church turned makeshift military HQ, the rest of us set about trying to bar the doors and arming ourselves against the - zombies? The dream was a little unclear to start, but some kind of evil and inevitable horde.

The doors wouldn't bar though; the building had already been through a lot, and most were were coming off their hinges. Clearly we were doomed, and could only delay the inevitable. I helped some comrades put up barricades from old office furniture and collected a meager pile of weaponry: some broom handles, plastic armor, and a few children's inflatable toy swords, now deflated. Another person suggested we look for a bicycle pump to re inflate them. "What good are blow-up swords against zombies?" I cried bitterly. "Well, they're not ALL zombies," a fellow fighter told me. "In fact, the vast majority are regular people who may not even be aware they're pretending to be zombies." The next two nearest soldiers nodded in agreement. "But if you can convince them they've lost without killing them, every now and then you'll win one over."

I stared at them in disbelief, standing on a file cabinet, flop-sword in hand. "Like we did with Cortex," one soldier said helpfully. "With Cortex?" I sputtered, noticing that Cortex was indeed among the folks stacking chairs and tables into barricades within earshot. "Sure, I snuck in to get recon coordinates on Matt at least three times!" Cortex said with a rueful grin. "But the last time someone handed me this ukulele and I was all man, what am I doing with my life?"

sorry Cortex, I've never thought of you as even remotely deplorable except maybe when I listened to that jingle rock bell generator for way too long

also fuck you brain I hate both zombies and the not so subtle message you encoded in this nightmare

posted by deludingmyself at 12:31 AM on November 20, 2016 [3 favorites]


I'm not sure which of the election threads this belongs in, if any, but since I use humor and musical theater as my coping mechanisms maybe it belongs here. During the horrible Election Night, as I was trying and mostly failing to get some sleep, I had a fever dream of Trump! The Musical. (In the grand tradition of Springtime for Hitler, of course.)

Act 1 starts off with's Trump's scheming to get NBC to renew The Apprentice. His star power is fading and he's having trouble grabbing women with impunity. (Song: It Happened to Cosby, It Could Happen to Me) He hits upon his brilliant plan to both line his pockets and increase his profile by running for president and charging everything to the campaign. He carefully crafts his entitled rich guy persona to get media attention, yet appeal to only a limited number of people because he has no interest in actually winning. His twitter is treated with love and care like a baby bird, and he loves the happy chirps he gets. He obsessively watches his rallies on TV, turning up the volume and drowning out his advisers as they try to tell him things. He makes plans to re-create The Apprentice on Trump TV.

Act 2 is Trump's unexpected win. He abandons his dream of returning to his TV show, thinking he'll run the presidency like a reality show. (Filthy Lucre) He meets a tight-lipped Obama who explains the realities of the office he's about to take. (Just Wait until You Have Shiites of Your Own) Trump starts to realize that this is actual work, and a lot of it. Inside he's panicking, but can't let that show for fear of his followers tearing him to shreds. (I Wound Them up and Set Them Free) The TV is a constant presence, droning on and on. Trump uses speech recognition to type out his tweets, with the action on the TV responding instantly to them. His twitter chirps have turned to chirps of alarm. (What Does This Button Do?)

Act 3, Trump's break from reality. The Secret Service takes away his phone and his staff carefully keeps all women away from him. This is Trump's first experience with being told No, and having no choice but to deal with the enormous problems constantly thrown at him. His TV becomes a magic mirror, where his sinister doppelgänger breaks through the screen and feeds his paranoia. A desperate and lonely Trump gropes Angela Merkel (Not My First Choice) and causes an international incident. The Secret Service has taken to locking him in a windowless room in the White House, and adds gold lame padding to the wall to keep him quiet. He's given his phone back only because he's accidentally crushed it, and he's cradling it in his hands like a dead baby bird and demanding it tweet for him again as the curtain falls.

So if anyone ever wants to take that ball pair of scissors and run with it, be my guest. Just send me tickets to the premier. Or better yet, send me tickets to Hamilton 'cuz even I don't want to see Trump! The Musical…
posted by Soliloquy at 1:37 AM on November 20, 2016 [4 favorites]


irisclara, I'm sorry your psychiatrist was so dismissive; that sucks. *hugs* if you want them.
posted by lazuli at 1:07 PM on November 20, 2016 [5 favorites]


I come bearing a story about The Awesomeness Of Patercallipygos, because stories about my dad are usually kind of awesome.

So every other year my brother's family goes to his in-laws for Thanksgiving, and the rest of the family has started to alternate like that as well, so every other year, "Thanksgiving" is just me, my parents, and one aunt, so we all say "fuck it" and meet for lunch in Providence and then all immediately go back home and that's it. It's kind of awesome because it is low-stress - at least, it usually is. Because my parents and I all voted Clinton....and my aunt very probably voted for Trump. So I went up to Providence yesterday, kind of bracing myself.

And surprisingly, the election didn't come up. My father started a conversation about the cranberry bogs that the family owns, and whether we should sell them, and my aunt had a lot of opinions about that....and after that we were talking about Bob Dylan winning the Nobel, and then Leonard Cohen, and then each of our meals, and the wine. Between dinner and dessert, Dad and my aunt each got up to use the rest room, and that left Mom and me alone at the table. And we had this exchange:
Me: I can't help but notice....no one has said anything about the election.

Mom: (hesitates, then) Your father and I made a pact on the way over here that we weren't going to bring it up.

Me: ...Wise move.
We had dessert, we all hugged goodbye, got into our respective trains and cars and went to our homes. And then this morning, I was thinking about that - my parents had agreed not to bring up politics, and I wasn't wanting to bring it up. Why hadn't my aunt?

And then it hit me - Patercallipygos had brought up the family cranberry bog to distract my aunt from talking about it. I called him to say "well played."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:28 PM on November 20, 2016 [7 favorites]


So. Maybe TMI, you have been warned, etc.

I am finally taking all of my prescribed meds. That includes 50 mg paroxetine. The funny thing is that all of my other chemicals, for blood sugar, hypertension, cholesterol come to about $135 a month. This is due to my doctor creating a cocktail of drugs that are al the least expensive of the generics. This is a good thing. OTOH doubling my paroxetine, a generic for Paxil, is going to cost $250 a month. I hate that this is such a drain on our limited finances. I want to go back to the 25 mg dosage. But there is an issue. I feel better now. Sure, it can be a placebo effect. I know that the four pills that I've taken can not have gotten to the proper serum level yet. But I don't care. I feel normal now. Probably the Buspar talking, I know. Today I didn't take the Buspar in the morning or the afternoon. I don't actually have to. Though I can.

The thing is, I just want to be baseline normal feeling. I'll be honest, sometimes I just want to be past baseline. Sometimes I want to be totally numb.

Will be talking to doctor about this.

Meanwhile the new bolus of pills has completely fucked up my digestive system. I don't think I need say more. This has happened before. It will probably level out in a week or so. Meanwhile toilet paper is at a premium here. :)

I deal with my mental health the same way that I would deal with a bad tooth. Sometimes I poke at it. Sometimes I think of all of the crap coming soon. Then I gauge how I feel about it. While that might seem counter productive, it's not. It allows me to actually think about it. And for the first time, I may just be able to get my shit together. For as long as the cash holds out. While this may sound like a pissy kind of selfishness... and it does. It means that I'm not on the verge of tears every morning. Nor am I awake at 3 AM unable to sleep because of anxiety, fear and misery. If I don't get my own shit together, how can I help anyone else?

Sorry for being so self-centered. Where else can I start from?
posted by Splunge at 9:20 PM on November 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


I don't know if this is the right place for this, but the last 12 days have been just horrible. Trauma from all directions. As I mentioned in another thread, the election day was also my birthday and everything went unusually well all day and night until we turned on the TV and saw what was happening.

None of this is really abstract. My sister, who many here know is an evangelical, both she and her husband were appalled by Trump early on and they didn't vote for him. They were shocked at the majority of their community who were loudly Trump supporters even though Trump embodies almost everything that my sister and her husband hate and distrust. My sister wrote something on Facebook that she thought was positive and unifying on the day after the election and, instead, she got a number of very hateful comments from people she knows. She cried and deleted the post and has stayed away from FB since. What she and her husband have discovered is that, for them, for whom their values are their entire lives not a once a week (if ever) thing, Trump was obviously a bad person, un-Christian, bad for America. But for many of their peers, their evangelical self-identification was a tribal group identification that intersects strongly with all the noxious things that Trump stands for. Her husband is a full-time evangelical missionary and teacher of missionaries -- she's had to tell her older son not to tell any of his friends of their families that they didn't vote for Trump. She's in shock and dismay. My sister, as I've described elsewhere, despite being a "conservative" evangelical Christian, has all the same instincts that I do. She's very much in agreement with trans* bathroom rights, for example. It seems obvious to her. But she had to explain some things to her husband, who (at first) didn't get it. This is, I think, a pivotal moment for her.

My aunt, who is a professional HR director and more recently was the HR director of that homeless shelter featured in a MeFi post about ABQ's mayor partnering with a shelter to offer daily jobs to the homeless, then later was the HR director of the women's shelter there, is now the HR director of this regional chain of small town banks. There was an incident this week at one of the banks with a Trump supporter saying something offensive to someone else. In discussion with the bank manager, the manager said that the employee (a security guard) had been a good employee and so he's inclined to be lenient, but, also, he asked my aunt, could maybe she explain why all these people are upset about Trump being elected? He just didn't understand and he sincerely wanted an explanation. So my aunt sort of tested the waters to see if he was sincere, he seemed to be, and she told him lots of things about Trump. And he was dumbfounded. He said that he didn't know any of these things, that he went to an evangelical church and people there said that Trump was the guy to vote for and so he did. He's a bank manager. My aunt was a little nonplussed that he could be so clueless. But also pleasantly surprised that he seemed shocked at the things that Trump has done and said.

Meanwhile, her daughter, my cousin with whom I've always been close and who is more like a niece to me (because my aunt is only seven years older) came out last year and recently she and her girlfriend moved back to ABQ and are temporarily staying with my aunt and uncle. My cousin's girlfriend was at a Starbucks the other day and she was wearing some kind of (mostly subtle) gay pride shirt, but a guy recognized what it meant, asked her why she was wearing it, she explained why, and the guy told her there was something wrong with her and spit on her and walked out.

These are the stories we're all living with.

Meanwhile, my 22-year-old step-niece, who has a two-year-old daughter, who has been living with us [since her mother, my step-sister -- technically, although our parents married when we were adults -- was hospitalized for six months and subsequently died at the end of June], well, that step-niece had left her father's home at 15 to live with her boyfriend -- who, by the way, is convicted by this point of multiple crimes and also physically abusive of her. That's partly why she ended up staying with us, but mostly because he was utterly useless and uncaring and occasionally abusive while her mother was in the hospital dying for four months. She was having to go to her day-care job, with her little girl, every day at 6AM, getting a ride because she's never had a driver's license (she's very non independent), and then had no ride to the hospital every day. So my mother and her husband ended up giving her rides and that's how she ended up staying here. Her boyfriend/father of her daughter, went kind of nuts, had several outbursts when she was around, my mom and her husband almost had to call 911 when they were over there getting some of her things. But this weekend after all these months (she passed her GED while she was staying here) she has decided that -- of course -- she wants to go back to live with him. I'm about the age of her (utterly useless) father and I've been trying to take a kind of fatherly role with her and make her feel included because you wouldn't believe how bad her and her brothers' childhoods were, and it's heartbreaking that's she choosing to go back to this abuser. I know that this is how it works, based upon generally how it works and I think I have some insight into her (utterly dependent, insecure) personality, and I've expected it to be honest -- but I am very sad about this and, also, selfishly, that little two-year-girl was a bundle of unbridled joy and made my life 200% better every day. It's not just me, everyone comments on how loving and precocious this little girl is. Which is amazing given all the upheavals in her life. And maybe she'll be better with her mother and father together. Maybe. I don't think he normally gives much of a shit for her except now that she's not been living there and he's been playing the role of the good weekend dad.

And then there's my cat. She hasn't been eating as much as she normally has been, she's 11, I've been a bit worried, so on Friday I took her to the vet. They ran tests, sent some stuff to the lab, and she has a UTI but probably some amount of irreversible kidney failure. The visit yesterday and today together already cost $350 and I'm going to have to be feeding her prescription renal support cat-food (either canned, preferentially, but so far she's not eating it) or dry, but any of these I'll have to regularly pick up at the vet for who know how much money. And, more importantly, beginning this week sometime I'll have to begin giving her subcutaneous injections of fluids about twice a week (I guess into the fatty portion of her back I will pinch together). I will have to do this probably for the rest of her life and it may (most likely) get worse, until the point comes when I have to consider putting her down. This cat is ... I can't describe this. I'm single, I'm old, I spend 24/7 with this cat and she's my primary companion and comfort and joy. I am devastated and I feel like I must have done something wrong, not getting her care she needed earlier, maybe. I don't know.

My mother's husband suddenly went completely deaf in his left ear last week when they were on a trip. The early medical opinion is that this is a rare thing that is not reversible. Also, he's on oxygen all day now. My mom broke down crying to me about how overwhelmed and worried she is about him yesterday. She's the emotional labor person for, well, everyone, of course.

The EL thread made a huge impression on me, I recognized that all my life I had been relying upon the EL of all these women around me, even though (like many men described in that thread) I am a feminist and aware of many things but blind to this stuff. To my credit, I've always intervened when women in my life attempt to do this stuff on my behalf, instinctively knowing that it wasn't their job but rather mine, but then of course I didn't end up doing this stuff because I just didn't understand how important it is. So lately I've been trying. The last month I've been trying very hard. I'm sending out thank you cards for the birthday gifts I got, and I've done a number of other things. Maybe I'm trying too hard. I've been reconnecting with old friends. But I feel like I have a lifetime of being a selfish bastard to make up for. And, for all that, there's a comment that Eyebrows McGee made in the EL thread that rang so true and frightened me so much -- about how older, single men without women to do this EL work just end up more and more isolated and they get sicker and die sooner. And that feels like me.

I very rarely drink and don't do other drugs. It's a thing with me, even though I'm philosophically recreationally drug-friendly, but that's because my dad was a violent drunk when he was young (until he stopped drinking when I was about five) and I was a violent/depressed drunk when I was a teen and very young adult until I said to myself "no more of this". I've been genuinely drunk three times in the last thirty years. But these last couple of weeks I've been drinking a few glasses of wine a day. Plus, I have access to Xanax (I'm surrounded by people with anxiety/agoraphobia). And the worst part is that this is helping. I know that path isn't the path to go down and I know myself well enough to know that there's some hard limit there I'm shortly going to hit where I'll say, "no more". But, jesus christ, life has been so hard these last eight months and then this election has scared the shit out of me and also scared so many people around me -- except for the Trump voters who wonder what all the fuss is about. I had my mom watch that wonderful final episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (which she's never watched before) and she both thought it was uproariously funny and also it made her cry at the end. Most of her husband's family and basically all of her friends and peers are Trump supporters. She feels like the world has gone crazy. (Her husband wrote-in Kasich.)

Also, both that aunt (who's really like my big sister) and my real sister (ten years my junior) had their birthdays today and I sent them pre-birthday texts last night telling them how much they mean to me and how much I love them, and then I also wrote to them today. I have gifts and cards on the way, but my sister is out of town this week so I'm delaying her stuff until she gets home. I'm reaching out and making these connections as much as possible, and trying so hard to be a good person (I haven't even talked about the weird betrayal or whatever thing that happened last month with my formerly-best-friend of the last 25 years -- some of you have met him at the Vegas meetup ten years ago -- which just almost broke me because I don't understand at all what happened and it came out of nowhere).

Okay, I'm whining and venting. But while I'm at it, I'll just indulge myself and say that these last three days when I took my cat to the vet (with my mom's help) both on Friday and Saturday, and then took the opportunity to stop by a testing lab to get some labwork my doctor had ordered for me many months ago (because I finally made a replacement follow-up appointment I missed with her also on Friday for this coming Wednesday), and after doing all this, yesterday once I was home I almost couldn't walk at all. I was at the point where I felt like I needed to put two hands on my cane and take little tiny baby steps until I could make it to my bedroom and lie down and nap. And I am trying right now to do all this stuff that I haven't done, that I've put off, and it hurts, it physically hurts me. It's so much easier when I don't do anything and never leave the house. Except it's not easier, because it's not a life.

And I don't need this other shit -- this awful election, this uncertainty and fear, this worry about my cat who is basically like my surrogate child or something, or this step-niece who I started to feel like was a surrogate child, or this grand-step-niece who is the kind of little girl who comes running up to you and hugs you ever times she sees you and I was beginning to feel like just her presence around here alone could make it so I could make it through each day. Now, she's gone.

One day, she decided she wanted me to fix her lunch and so she walked me through all the steps with the food and her high chair and the towel she prefers on the floor to catch the crumbs and had me lift her into the chair and get her a napkin, and this all made both of us so happy -- she's pretty attached to me in a weird way -- and at the end of it I felt like I had won a marathon or something. Because I merely fed a little kid. But that's one of the holes in my life I've been acutely feeling all these years. I'm more sad than I expected to be at both my step-niece and grand-step-niece being gone.

Okay, I've unloaded. I've never written a message like this on MeFi before. Maybe it's the wine? But I miss having close friends to me nearby who I could call and say, hey, I need to go out and we need to talk. I don't have that. I've been in Kansas City for four years and I know no one, I practically don't know my way out of this neighborhood. So I'm writing here in MetaTalk. Because I trust you guys. You're good people. And I know we're all having trouble these days.

And, also and especially, there have been a few people here who have gone way above and beyond to reach out to me and be friends to me. One person who has become a good friend, a constant correspondent, and at least one other person who has recently sent me a postcard and then an amazingly heartfelt and gratifying card that made me feel like some of the things that I've written on MeFi have actually made some difference. I appreciate those gestures and that support so much. I offer it to anyone else here who needs it -- I know I should just do that same work and identify who needs it and reach out to them, but it's hard. Right now, I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

Thanks, MeFi, for listening.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 11:41 PM on November 20, 2016 [32 favorites]


Ivan, check your memail - I sent you a link that may help prune back ONE of your battles.

And thank you for trusting us to listen.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:33 AM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Thanks, Ivan. May your heart be eased soon.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:01 AM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Ivan, we're all in this thing together. All the best, and big hugs to you.
posted by mightshould at 10:56 AM on November 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Remember the Spoons Theory of managing your energy and obligation - especially if you're managing physical stuff on top of everything else. Honestly, right now I think everyone's been docked a handful of spoons for dealing with the strong emotional responses we're having to everything going on and our fears for the future. Sometimes you can't do everything and that's ok, but it's hard to make it feel ok.

I totally hear you on the sick cat; mine went off his food in spring and I came very close to... you know. He's doing better now (we don't know what it is, but we found treatment that works) but it was very touch and go for a while and I now have dozens of videos of him sleeping and breathing because when it became so touch and go that made me feel like I could hold onto him somehow. He's literally been with me my entire adult life; I got him a year out from college when he was a kitten. I don't think I've ever loved another living being the way I've loved him.
posted by Deoridhe at 12:31 PM on November 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


"He just didn't understand and he sincerely wanted an explanation. So my aunt sort of tested the waters to see if he was sincere, he seemed to be, and she told him lots of things about Trump. And he was dumbfounded. He said that he didn't know any of these things, that he went to an evangelical church and people there said that Trump was the guy to vote for and so he did. He's a bank manager. My aunt was a little nonplussed that he could be so clueless. But also pleasantly surprised that he seemed shocked at the things that Trump has done and said."

Ivan, if it's any slight bit of comfort to you, this bit cheered me up because finally, somebody got it.

My office discussion this morning seemed to boil down to: "I don't know how we're supposed to talk to people who don't want to believe their vote did something bad and won't listen to you about anything." My coworker's dad apparently voted for Trump because (a) "I dunno" and (b) "I really hate Hillary" and I have a PoC bi friend who keeps being all, "I don't get it, they're both awful, why does anyone care, why are people getting upset and ending friendships over this, your vote is private." Obviously I'm not asking who she voted for, but my trying to explain why it bothered me was whooshing through one ear and out the other. I just want to say, "You're a PoC, you're bi, and you're unemployed: you've got three targets on your back here, it'll be worse for you than for me!" but....yeah, I'm getting nowhere even with the mildest arguments, so I haven't said that.

Speaking of craftivism: I'm working on that idea.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:44 PM on November 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


I just want to say, "You're a PoC, you're bi, and you're unemployed: you've got three targets on your back here, it'll be worse for you than for me!"

I know I've mentioned this before in this thread, but this is super inappropriate to say, and I'd rather people not share these sentiments at all, it's intimidating and condescending all at once. Thanks.
posted by zutalors! at 1:21 PM on November 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


"I know I've mentioned this before in this thread, but this is super inappropriate to say, and I'd rather people not share these sentiments at all, it's intimidating and condescending all at once. Thanks."

Yeah, it's true and it makes sense but it's not a good thing to say -- it has all sorts of subtextual things going on with it that are actually part of the overall problem.

The other day I corresponded with a friend from Northern Ireland and they told me some family gossip that involved some Northern Ireland Catholic female relative dating a loyalist Protestant and how his family's having strong negative reactions, and since I've become fiends with this person, I've been very interested in NI in ways that are, well, more personal because of our friendship where, before, they were just historical facts about the world to me previously. But I wrote asking a question about that dating situation and the dinner involved and then I immediately realized that I was doing that thing -- that thing, for example, that white people do to black people, whitesplaining or otherwise making something into an interesting abstract discussion and Q&A because I'm coming from a place of privilege and not realizing that this is someone's actually lived daily life. These aren't merely intellectual issues, hypotheses about what may or may not happen. For those of us with relative privilege, it's just not our lives.

I've come to understand this very well from the other side of the equation with regard to my disability. How people talk with disabled people about this stuff, even coming from the very best intentions and having a good-heart (and, gosh, so many people are good-hearted and very well-intended in dealing with disabled folk ... but they end up saying and doing things which are in some ways worse than what the overtly bigoted people do) -- well, anyway, how you talk about this stuff with the people who actually are the primary targets is very important. How you engage matters. It's very hard not to engage while wielding your privilege and just walking over some sensitive things out of the assumption that you mean well.

My advice is to take the cue from the other person. Only if you know someone really really well can you just trust your past experience and instincts and just say what's on your mind.

My sister, of all people, sent me that clip from Saturday Night Live about the group of mostly white urban liberals getting together to watch the election. They were joined by a couple of black guys. And the skit was hilarious and also heartbreaking because, as usual, the white people made it all about their pain and shock and dismay and saying things like "I didn't know that the people around me felt this way" and the two black guys would look at each and have trouble not being sarcastic in response. None of this was a surprise to them. Not that this is speaking for all PoC or that others who are targets aren't shocked. It's just that those of us with relative privilege have a unique view on this that we shouldn't assume -- as the privileged always do -- is representative of everyone else. Listen -- don't lecture -- the people who are the primary targets.

When I was awakened to sexism/feminism thirty years ago, I was utterly fucking devastated because the very close friend, an early 80s radfem, very much and aggressively pointed out to me the things that men do, how men and women interact in groups, how teachers treat men and women students differently. And suddenly I saw all this stuff that I'd not seen before. It was like suddenly I was in a totally different world. But I wasn't. I was the the world that many women live in every day of their lives. But for me, with all my male privilege and the luxury of blindness, it was emotionally devastating. It took months or years for me to get over a feeling of a sort of resentment that I had awakened into this awful world I didn't want to be in. And for a while, I wanted to talk about this, especially with women feminists who I thought would understand. But I was deeply wrong and lacked empathy about that, of course. That discussion was of course making it, once again, all about my male privilege. I still feel this way many times all these years later -- I only discuss it with other male feminists who are experiencing the same dislocation and alienation. But this isn't our actual lived lives and we have no right to expect women to really give a shit about how it's difficult for us to cope with this.

Trump's ascendancy is the culmination of some recent historical trends that those affected most have been very aware of. They don't need to be -splained to about it.

Sorry, I'm lecturing, which is a privileged behavior if there ever was one. It's just so hard, I've had decades to learn to get better at this stuff and yet every year I make mistakes and learn new lessons. Compare me now to who I was on MeFi twelve years ago, and you'll see a big difference, because I've learned things. And, often, the most important thing is to listen and to hear. For what's it's worth. I don't mean to be in anyone's face about this, especially with all the support that people are sending my way, publicly and privately, in response to my previous message. We're in this together, that's absolutely true, but we need to respect that different people are different and what works for one person to cope with this is not necessarily the same as what will help someone else cope with this.

Peace and love to all of you.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 1:56 PM on November 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


Listen -- don't lecture -- the people who are the primary targets.

Perhaps amusingly, that skit rubbed me the wrong way for really minimizing female perspectives, down to a laugh line at how of course anyone would be stupid to try to replace a "charismatic, 40year old black guy with a 70-year old white woman."
posted by Miko at 2:38 PM on November 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


Yeah that was a fascinating thing about that show generally. Really hardhitting on race (at least as far as SNL is able to do) but had a few "toss women under the bus" aspects to it.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 6:22 AM on November 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


I know I've mentioned this before in this thread, but this is super inappropriate to say, and I'd rather people not share these sentiments at all, it's intimidating and condescending all at once. Thanks.

Up above, I left out a bit of context in that I was speaking with a person who is a non-Muslim immigrant from a place with a significant Muslim population, who had just finished telling me that Muslims don't do enough to report their fellow Muslims who are involved in terrorist plots, so what can you really do about things like Trump's Muslim registry and ban? (And he followed that, as I related above, by asserting that neither he nor I would be effected by Trump's election, and so we need not worry.)

If I were speaking to another white person who said something like this, my initial approach is usually to appeal for empathy with the people who are the targets of Trump's various hostilities, by trying to get the person I'm speaking to to put themselves in the other's shoes as it were; and that's why that sort of sentiment came to mind.

But I guess that, as a person with almost all the privileges, I'm just not really equipped to in general take the same empathy tack when speaking to someone who isn't also a cis-het-white male, because of the potential for intimidation and condescension you mention, and would need to go straight to simply saying that I think Muslims must not be treated like that, right? Or is there another approach?

Maybe the thing is that I need to keep my bid for empathy focused on myself, and say something more along the lines of if I were to become Muslim some day I would feel it unjust to be treated that way.
posted by Sockpuppet Liberation Front at 11:03 AM on November 22, 2016


Yeah, it's just difficult. I think the best rule is to take your cues from the other person, right up to the point where you are uncomfortable validating something they're saying, and then (in these particular situations, not with, say, racists) just be silent and listen. But what the hell do I know? The only things I know with any certainty is to love, act with kindness, and always try to really listen to people, to what they're saying and what they're trying to say, what the subtext is. As for doing, there are many different things to do, people have talked about them in this and other threads and, you know, there's not a one-size-fits-all. Different situations and different people call for different actions. Fucking complicated world without easy answers. *shakes fist at the sky*

Also, I probably should have posted this in this thread and not as an update to an older MetaTread, but on Thursday about noon I woke up ... and, well, you should just watch the video. Which I will shortly link. But what happened is that it almost went exactly like how it's depicted in the video and then, afterwards, I thought, hey, this should be a video. Of course I was thinking grandly of establishing shots and little silent shots of, say, a sock on the bedroom floor, but what happened is that I first tried to use my phone's camera for this and the quality was shit, both video and audio, so then I thought, okay, I'll use my GoPro on a tripod with an external mike, and the video was much better, but the audio still wasn't great. So then I used the GoPro on a tripod with a handheld digital recorder at my bedside to capture the audio. Unfortunately, I do not currently have Premiere Pro (or equivalent) installed right now and I had to use GoPro's rudimentary editing tools, but I synced the audio and video as best as I could, and then I took the actual song (How to Disappear Completely) and synced and mixed it underneath. You can tell it's slightly out of sync, but it actually sort of works with the way the song is arranged and mixed. That's me in my bed, yes, I just got an Amazon Echo Dot along with a Philips Hue lighting system because, yes, I'm a total nerd, but, wow, it is so awesome to be able to wake up that way every morning. And I keep having the impulse to tell Alexa to turn on and off lights throughout the house even though, of course, these are the only ones I have because this stuff is fucking expensive and it's an extravagance I retroactively realize I can't afford as, apparently, all my savings will be going to maintaining my cat's health in the future.

Anyway, also, that's my (very comfortably resting across my lap) cat, Muncie, in the video. It's the whole damn Radiohead song with stuff at the beginning and some other stuff at the end, and it's a static shot, which is boring, but I think it's worth watching -- most especially to the very end -- for those of us in the grief and support thread about the election. It made a few people in my family laugh, even though it made my aunt worried about my mental health when she saw it: I'm Not Here, This Election Did not Happen....
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 11:35 AM on November 22, 2016 [1 favorite]



One of the main problems with the "oh no you will have it worse" is that it flattens non white privilege and experience into one mass, which is really dehumanizing. People generally have different kinds of privilege - class, race, religion, language, sexuality etc, etc, and people who are saying "This won't affect me" has likely made that calculation based on a variety of factors, and it's not for anyone else to call them out on that. I'm not a white person, but I am sure that because of various reasons millions of white people are in a worse situation under Trump than I would be.

That introduces a level of guilt and caution in the way I talk to other people or even how much I would want to draw attention to my own concerns. For someone to be like "no, you have it worse, I will help smuggle you out of the country though" or whatever, it's dismissive, condescending, and supports the idea that white people just know better.
posted by zutalors! at 11:38 AM on November 22, 2016 [4 favorites]


One of the main problems with the "oh no you will have it worse" is that it flattens non white privilege and experience into one mass, which is really dehumanizing. People generally have different kinds of privilege - class, race, religion, language, sexuality etc, etc, and people who are saying "This won't affect me" has likely made that calculation based on a variety of factors, and it's not for anyone else to call them out on that. I'm not a white person, but I am sure that because of various reasons millions of white people are in a worse situation under Trump than I would be.

I have to strongly agree with zutalors! on this. Just as we need to consider race and gender in discussions of class, it's also important to consider other forms of privilege in discussions of race - intersectionality works both ways. It is subtly othering to have the fact that you are a POC erase any other forms of privilege you might have - it is a way of denying the extent to which other aspects of your upbringing may have influenced who you are today.

I'm a person of color and a woman, but I'm also someone who had an incredibly privileged childhood in many other ways - the comfortable conviction that we would always be fairly well-off, maids and drivers, the sure knowledge that I would be going to college (along with everyone else at my school) with no debt, the confidence that comes from knowing that I would be the third generation of women in my family to go graduate school, the safety net of knowing I had a close-knit, loving family who would always take me in, no matter what.

These forms of privilege and lack of privilege interact in complex ways. The best example I can think of is when I was stranded in Dubai due to a lack of an onward Australian transit visa (I was going on a holiday to New Zealand). The need for a transit visa was due to my lack of privilege (as an Indian citizen, I need a visa for all kinds of situations that Americans never dream of). But I was also acutely aware of the privilege that allowed me, a graduate student not making 30k a year, to jet off to New Zealand on a whim (my uncle in New Zealand paid for the tickets). It was also a form of privilege that led to the Australian consulate officer who happened to be in that gate giving me his card and promising me an expedited visa, if I couldn't work things out with the airline - I probably looked respectable enough, I could explain the situation to him in clear English. It was an absolute cartload of privilege that allowed my dad to make a call to his cousin who happened to be great friends with the airport manager at the Dubai airport and the next thing I knew they were handing me hotel vouchers and tickets to the very next flight out that didn't go through Australia, despite the fact that they had earlier grudgingly told me that they would try their very best but couldn't promise anything, as it was my responsibility to check visa status.

I guess this also leads to the surprise I'm seeing from many white friends at the number of Indian people (particularly those in India) who are Trump supporters. I think, honestly, it boils down to whether you identify more with the oppressor or the oppressed. To white people, it seems self-evident that Indians, being brown, should identify with the oppressed (and to be clear, I agree to a large extent, just because I think it is incumbent upon all of us to identify with the marginalized among us). That's simply not what the experience of many Indian people (particularly those from privileged backgrounds in India) leads them to - they resent the strides that the lower castes have taken, they hate that they have to fight harder for college admission because of reservations for lower castes, they like being a big country and feel we should get aggressive against Pakistan more, they don't like immigration into India from Bangladesh. This is all fertile ground for Trump support.
posted by peacheater at 1:58 PM on November 22, 2016 [7 favorites]


I think I had a comment deleted for describing a multiple suicide. I guess it was too horrible.

If this is crossing your mind, just don't. People will find you and have to deal with it and they might have kids with them.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:09 PM on November 22, 2016


Jedi hugs, Mr. Yuck. I'm so very sorry.


About the intersection of white privilege and Trump... I wonder if part of the issue might also be that when white people focus on how his policies will be bad for other people and oh how bad we feel for them it conceals the extent to which we have collective responsibility for white supremacy and colonialization in general. I haven't liked being white since I realized the legacy it holds, but the shame I feel about being white and knowing my people did this... It's nothing I've felt before. My people did this and we will do backflips to pretend we're not part of a group, that we're all individuals who shouldn't be held responsible for what other white people did, but dear gods... my people did this.

White people get a lot of mileage out of pretending we don't have a race, that our successes are all a product of individual effort. This impairs our ability to accurately perceive reality - to see the systems we've set up to distort society to our own benefit and peace of mind. Something in this win for white supremacy broke through my emotional distance from this, and I wonder if a lot of liberal-to-progressive white people aren't feeling the same way and then distracting ourselves by once more pretending to be the white savior - doubling down on white supremacy even while saying we're fighting it.
posted by Deoridhe at 6:51 PM on November 22, 2016 [5 favorites]


Longtime friend declared in a FB post (seen when I briefly poked my periscope up today) a planned FB friends list cull based on whether or not said FB friends consider him or Jews in general to be "white". Not being Jewish myself, I have no opinion on this, but found it to be kind of interesting.
posted by christopherious at 6:59 PM on November 22, 2016


What? There are Jewish POCs, too. I'm confused.
posted by lazuli at 7:11 PM on November 22, 2016


I think it's sort of how you can be white and Hispanic according to the census (and many? most? people) but for some people Hispanic people are, by their definition, not white. And with the rise in anti-Semitism there are people who do not view Jews as white? And your friend is probably white and Jewish and wants to make sure people are not getting weird and racist about that. That is my best guess. As someone who is Jewish. And concerned.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 7:44 PM on November 22, 2016


Yeah, I get that the divisions are arbitrary, but it seems weird to get hung up on the need to be considered white, as if non-white people are less than? I may be missing nuance in the actual question, I realize.
posted by lazuli at 7:54 PM on November 22, 2016


I mean, the history of the US in the last couple centuries is basically immigrants who are considered non-white (Irish, Italians, Greeks, Eastern Europeans, Middle Easterners, etc.) eventually get to be considered white, because doing so gives them an investment in white privilege that will help keep them fighting for crumbs with darker-skin people. It's a way of pitting disadvantaged light-skinned people against disadvantaged dark-skin people. I don't feel like this is a good road to travel down.
posted by lazuli at 7:57 PM on November 22, 2016 [4 favorites]


It's complicated: you're totally right about that history of expanding definitions of whiteness (which incidentally expanded increasingly as wealthy, Protestant, Anglo-Saxon white men became more of a minority), but at the same time, claims that Jews aren't white have been a pillar of white-supremacist anti-semitism since at least the 1920s, and probably earlier if I look. So even raising the question is standing on a platform of anti-Semitic definitions of whiteness. For that reason I totally get why anyone going ther deserves defriending.
posted by Miko at 8:04 PM on November 22, 2016


OK, but what about Black Jews, and Asian Jews, etc? The question just seems like a gigantic fail of intersectionality.
posted by lazuli at 8:08 PM on November 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


I consider Jews white but I feel like most of the Jews I know closely (many) find common cause with me as an ethnic minority so it's not the same somehow.
posted by zutalors! at 8:09 PM on November 22, 2016


And I'm not trying to be all hypothetical about this; one of my college roommates was Black and Jewish, so she's actually one of the first faces that pops into my head when talking about whether Jews are white.
posted by lazuli at 8:14 PM on November 22, 2016


I think the friend was talking from a them-centered perspective? So in a larger sense it's an intersectionality fail, absolutely, but it was just him talking about his own facebook?
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 8:14 PM on November 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


I guess this also leads to the surprise I'm seeing from many white friends at the number of Indian people (particularly those in India) who are Trump supporters. I think, honestly, it boils down to whether you identify more with the oppressor or the oppressed. To white people, it seems self-evident that Indians, being brown, should identify with the oppressed (and to be clear, I agree to a large extent, just because I think it is incumbent upon all of us to identify with the marginalized among us). That's simply not what the experience of many Indian people (particularly those from privileged backgrounds in India) leads them to - they resent the strides that the lower castes have taken, they hate that they have to fight harder for college admission because of reservations for lower castes, they like being a big country and feel we should get aggressive against Pakistan more, they don't like immigration into India from Bangladesh. This is all fertile ground for Trump support.

Peacheater, I'm Indian American (born in America) and I get this perspective. I have family in India who support Modi and I have described that perspective as similar to white Middle Class of America that supports Trump - they don't hate Muslims per se but support a nationalist because he's "getting rid of corruption." The effects of any of that will not affect them in any way.

It's perhaps not an acceptable perspective but neither is the idea that all brown people the world over are united under one ideology framed by white American liberals.
posted by zutalors! at 8:15 PM on November 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


Sure, and "I consider myself white; do my friends accept that?" is absolutely a valid question (and a totally valid metric for dropping friends). It just gets weird when generalized, I guess? I'm also not trying to dismiss the racism of calling white people who are Jewish not-white, because that's horribly racist.
posted by lazuli at 8:17 PM on November 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


(I probably should have said "anti-Semitic" rather than "racist" there, sorry. Or possibly both.)
posted by lazuli at 8:25 PM on November 22, 2016


The question just seems like a gigantic fail of intersectionality.

Of course - but I think you're overthinking it. It's a response to white supremacists who have historically defined light-skinned, Western European Jews out of whiteness.
posted by Miko at 8:26 PM on November 22, 2016


Whiteness is provisional for Jews. Everything is provisional for Jews. The history of antisemitism is one long history of useful inclusiveness followed by equally useful exclusion. We are whatever the dominant majority needs us to be until they don't need it anymore. And then we are punished for ever thinking we had a claim.
posted by maxsparber at 8:28 PM on November 22, 2016 [13 favorites]


Anyway, somewhere between 10 to 20 percent of American Jews are people of color as defined by the majority, including at least one member of my own family, so I don't want to exclude them. They've never been granted white privilege.
posted by maxsparber at 8:29 PM on November 22, 2016 [6 favorites]


Longtime friend declared in a FB post (seen when I briefly poked my periscope up today) a planned FB friends list cull based on whether or not said FB friends consider him or Jews in general to be "white".

There's more context, too, which you may or may not have realized he was responding to. These old ideas have been re-surfacing amid the Bannon/Spencer discussions online and in the news. There was a lot of discussion of CNN's broadcasting an image of a banner that said "Are Jews People?" as part of that rally. And the neo-Nazis are emboldened to start openly othering Jews again. In the context of this push to promote a definition of whiteness that can't include Jews, I can completely understand that as a litmus test to purge the friends list. I don't think it's meant as an exclusion of Jews of color, just as a clear test of white supremacy in action.
posted by Miko at 8:46 PM on November 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


In the context of this push to promote a definition of whiteness that can't include Jews, I can completely understand that as a litmus test to purge the friends list. I don't think it's meant as an exclusion of Jews of color, just as a clear test of white supremacy in action.

I get that, but the insistence on "Yes all Jews are white" seems to actually reinforce the white supremacist view that being white is preferable. "Yes we should be able to self identify as whatever race we are" or "Fuck you for excluding white people who are Jewish from the definition of white" are different things. And I don't want to keep harping on it, mainly because I understand we're all getting a second-hand report of the what the person stating this actually said, but it seems weird to just reaffirm that whiteness is a preferable thing, versus being upset that others don't accept one's own self-definition of race, regardless of the identified race.
posted by lazuli at 9:08 PM on November 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


There's more context, too, which you may or may not have realized he was responding to.

No doubt there is. His wall post did a good job of referencing a bit of historical and topical context and it was pretty evident that he was speaking from a place of earnest, well-informed concern. Happy to share snippets from the post/essay thingy if there's interest, was trying to be sensitive and not spam the thread.
posted by christopherious at 9:12 PM on November 22, 2016


Ugh. I've lived in a blissful Trump-supporter-free social media bubble, but just now a friend's mom posted an article about Trump "disavowing" the white supremacist conference that happened in DC, saying "Just want to be sure we keep our focus on the people who are doing this." She is a white woman who means well. She posted a few things before the election that were like "regardless of politics, let's all get along!" I know her and I know her heart is in the right place, but I just cannot take any shred of this normalization. I don't get into political arguments on Facebook and I actually feel sick and short of breath having posted a calm matter-of-fact comment that gently pushes back. It is not even my own racist aunt or something, it is my friend's mom, who am I to start shit, yada yada. But I could not let it go.

I just got back from a unity event in Japantown. Hiroshi Kashiwagi, a 94-year-old No-No Boy, was there to speak. I remember seeing him speak almost ten years ago at an event I was covering for my newswriting class (and hello, he was old back then), and I just feel like, the man is ninety-four years old, can we just stop treating "WAS THE INTERNMENT BAD OR NOT LOL" as though it's not a closed question so the poor guy can rest at home instead of being outside at the Peace Plaza on a cold night? I mean for fuck's sake.

Kashiwagi was 18 when he was incarcerated. Everyone still living who experienced it was a child then. George Takei is now the most prominent spokesperson against the internment and he was like five. I don't know why that is hitting me so hard right now. In 1999 when I was 12, I had this history teacher who told us that each generation has one defining event, the "where were you when" event, that for his parents' generation it was JFK's assassination and for him it was the Challenger space shuttle. I remember thinking when 9/11 happened two years later, "I guess this is my generation's event." It didn't occur to me until many years later that my teacher was wrong about the Challenger being his generation's event, that he was only 26 when I was in his class and that actually, 9/11 was probably also his event. And this week I realized that for me, it's not 9/11 at all. I'm living through it right now. So here I am, 29 years old, and like, I'm a millennial and I've been boned by the economy like everyone else, but I'm at this event in my nice coat with my nice purse and a few gray hairs, and I realize that someday I'll be dead and the only people still around to tell about the Trump years will be the high school students who are speaking, and then they'll be dead too and it will be only the kids who are running around not listening to the speakers, just like how all the doddering old people at internment memorials now were babies in the camps. How easily we forget.

Sorry, yall. I don't have a blog so I unload here. Here's a peace offering: Don't Look Now, But 2016 Is Resurrecting Poetry.
posted by sunset in snow country at 11:19 PM on November 22, 2016 [8 favorites]


My mom bought a menorah in an antique shop because she liked it. It sat on top of the piano and I didn't know why all my friends thought we were Jewish until I was 16. Wow! Really? No. All that time... We're not anything.

I might as well be because of where I grew up. That was the time of Plant a Tree for Israel ads in the magazines I'd read at the doctor's office. I remember pulling the Yiddish-to-English dictionary out of my mom's pocket a few times to make sense of things people said to me or just on the street, but I always knew I had advantages and certainly no number tattooed on my forearm. Everyone was cagey about that with me but I found out at the library and it blew little me away. And then I started reading about all the WW2 vets coming home and thinking things were fucked up. It wasn't in the 1958 Encyclopedia Britannica set we had at home.

If you were a vet you could get a government job and that's why my uncles were coming back from Alabama with perforated cars. They drank too much and they had reasons. I remember the riots, Chicago on fire and my dad not willing to try to come home from the office. So I had a ball-peen hammer and Mom had this wondrous gun with phosphorus rounds that looked like a fountain pen and she made bread and we ate it with honey. She also put the fire poker by the front door and an aluminum baseball bat by the back door and I knew what that meant.

My sister slept through it all. From the upstairs I could see the fires if I hoisted myself up and they were growing.

This feels like that. That was the first time I thought I was going to die and somehow it hasn't happened yet.

I don't think the real toll of this mess is making it into the media. People who see themselves as other are in despair. Please, if someone's buttoned, go see them. Just drop by. They might be dirty and embarrassed but get that door open and make them use their words. Cook for them, talk to them, and take their pistol when they are distracted. You can return it later when they are in their right mind.

I've seen things I wish to unsee and I don't want to see any more of them, so I've been belligerently checking up on people. They might hate you at first. That hate is pain and you can turn it around.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:20 AM on November 23, 2016 [2 favorites]


I get that, but the insistence on "Yes all Jews are white" seems to actually reinforce the white supremacist view

Fair enough. It's hard to say at third remove, but this sounds like a situation in which I'd be inclined to afford the benefit of the doubt.
posted by Miko at 7:01 AM on November 23, 2016


I hope this cheers you up.
posted by Oyéah at 7:13 AM on November 23, 2016


In "bitter despair" news, I took a look at one of my earliest asks where I was worried about the political stability of the US. We were all so much more innocent then.
posted by corb at 9:14 AM on November 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


What is to be done
posted by The Whelk at 10:34 AM on November 23, 2016


What is to be done: the prelude.
posted by clavdivs at 11:47 AM on November 23, 2016


Please, if someone's buttoned, go see them. Just drop by. They might be dirty and embarrassed but get that door open and make them use their words.

Mr. Yuck, I appreciate all you've shared here but as someone who has battled agoraphobia and still has hibernation tendencies, reading this was actually triggering. I see your texts, and emails, and missed calls; they mean the world to me and help me reach out when I'm ready. I'm speaking only for myself, but there is probably one person on earth who might be able to take this kind of aggressive approach without causing me to retreat further. I implore people to tread carefully.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:26 PM on November 23, 2016 [12 favorites]


(And when I say it was triggering that's not to call you out, I just want to emphasize how strongly it hit me.)
posted by Room 641-A at 12:28 PM on November 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


I will back Room 641-A on this. A "surprise" visit to my door where the person refused to leave until I opened the door would probably send me into heavy "never leave the house" mode for weeks. It's not bad intent! People just don't always know!

..but if you don't know, now you know.
posted by corb at 1:05 PM on November 23, 2016 [4 favorites]


I don't know where to post this but I need to: a tremendous thanks to the person who posted, somewhere, long ago about a browser extension or add-on that replaces that name with the word 'toddler'.

I've been in a deep hole and struggling for air. It really does help to know that I can avoid seeing the name (and I don't watch videos or tv). And the term toddler helps to resolve the cognitive dissonance.
posted by Dashy at 2:30 PM on November 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


I just want to make sure they are alive. Back in September I took a serious head injury that should have killed me and I've been unable to work. I spent a few days on the floor unable to move and it was horrible. I'd still be there if someone hadn't broken in.

I would have been good at this anyway but the physical problems I'm having give me an edge. People know what I've been through so if it's me knocking I think it goes better than it would for someone else because it's a shock to see me standing and I'm totally working it, but thanks for the caution.

Here's what I know: people are committing suicide at a rate never seen before in this area and it doesn't make the news. I've come across three of those. They stop going to therapy and just shut down. If this keeps up, Trump wins. These are people we need in this fight.

There is no government safety net in this state anymore but I continue to be amazed by just how many nonprofits are out there helping people. But there's no networking among them and I'd like to do something about that.

Took someone to the hospital today. They'd taken all their Xanax at once.

You people are great. You know that? I won't kick in the door to room 641-A.

Too much cognitive dissonance? Try some inductive resonance.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:55 PM on November 23, 2016


Hey I just want to report back that immediate-family-only Thanksgiving went/is going pretty well, and despite cooking every single part of the Thanksgiving dinner solo over multiple days, it was still less stress than dealing with extended family would have been.
posted by corb at 1:31 PM on November 24, 2016 [12 favorites]


My clutch went out this morning which really sucked because I was supposed to ferry a bunch of people to a potluck. A complete stranger stopped and offered to drive me anywhere and then said they'd pick everybody up and drive us all to Asheville. I was stunned. They were going to be alone so of course they ate with us. It was so random and they fit right in with us miscreants.

Glad yours went well Corb.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 3:19 PM on November 24, 2016 [11 favorites]


If we're still hugging, I could really use one today. The stuff that happened at Ohio State this morning was all directly outside my building, and though I wasn't on campus this morning because I slept late recuperating from a weekend of memorial service and funeral things, I'm just baffled and shaken. Having heard students from the Somali Student Association talk about feeling threatened and harassed in light of the election - especially hijabis - I'm feeling completely and totally at my wits end and helpless when it comes to giving students a safe space to learn and grown and live.
posted by ChuraChura at 2:09 PM on November 28, 2016 [19 favorites]


Big hug, ChuraChura. I can only imagine how I'd feel if that happened on my campus. It's awful.
posted by Dashy at 2:22 PM on November 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


All the hugs, ChuraChura. I'm so sorry.
posted by dinty_moore at 2:27 PM on November 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


*hugs* to you, ChuraChura. And another *hug* for good measure.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 2:27 PM on November 28, 2016 [2 favorites]


Frog hugs for you, ChuraChura. Be well.
posted by Room 641-A at 2:38 PM on November 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


So many hugs, ChuraChura.
posted by lazuli at 2:47 PM on November 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


Passing along my best, ChuraChura.
posted by maxsparber at 3:06 PM on November 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


{{{{{{{ChuraChura}}}}}}}
posted by Splunge at 4:10 PM on November 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


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