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September 27, 2002 1:43 PM

Now that membership has opened again, how about greeting new members on the front page just after they've joined with something like, 'Metafilter welcomes [insert link to username and profile'. It's always good to get a hug when you arrive at a party.
posted by feelinglistless to feature requests at 1:43 PM (62 comments total)

Yeah. A hug. And a basket of fruit. And a bottle of champagne.

And a pony.

Or, simply, a big billboard:
"Get your own weblog, fuckwit"

posted by matteo at 1:50 PM on September 27, 2002

*snort* Love it. Make it big, and use both BLINK and MARQUEE tags so that they get the clue.
posted by SpecialK at 1:52 PM on September 27, 2002

I propose changing:

There have been X links and X comments posted since your last visit.

to

There have been X newbies assimilated since your last visit.
posted by signal at 1:53 PM on September 27, 2002

what's with all this rah-rah snuggly-bear crap lately? seems like we're either shitting on newbies or trying to stepford-wife them into a false sense of camaraderie. can't we just stick to the freakin' format? if people are coming here expecting a "hug" (what?) ... ack. this is why we have posts about "my friend's suicide" and user flameouts like sdb, bunnyfire and neu.

color within the lines, please!
posted by donkeyschlong at 1:53 PM on September 27, 2002

I thought Meta-talk was the welcome mat.

false sense of camaraderie

Tough skins is what I thought all the rubbing was for.
posted by thomcatspike at 1:56 PM on September 27, 2002

Perhpaps we could write an "If you're new, click here!" thing that would explain all the weird terminology.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 1:58 PM on September 27, 2002

It's always good to get a hug when you arrive at a party.

Except for the lingering touch of everybody's favourite Portuguese "uncle". That one made me really uncomfortable.

Also, this Achewood strip.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 1:59 PM on September 27, 2002

Or, simply, a big billboard:

"Enter at your own risk"
posted by Steve_at_Linnwood at 2:02 PM on September 27, 2002

or: "if you loved us, you'd swallow."
posted by donkeyschlong at 2:06 PM on September 27, 2002

A old nautical map with an arrow pointing to MetaFilter land: "Here there be Monsters".
posted by Wulfgar! at 2:15 PM on September 27, 2002

Or, "You'll never work again."
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 2:22 PM on September 27, 2002

Now that's a tagline.
posted by timeistight at 2:29 PM on September 27, 2002

Don't touch me, you freaks.

Seriously, if the other newbies are anything like me, they are happy enough just to be able to obtain a membership. The hugging, back-slapping and groping are completely unnecessary. A pony, on the other hand, would be very cool. Or maybe one of those broomsticks that I keep hearing about. If I understand correctly, they actually vibrate...
posted by Galvatron at 2:36 PM on September 27, 2002

The best party I ever went to, one of host greated people at the door with a tube of pringles. Maybe we could try that instead...
posted by feelinglistless at 2:39 PM on September 27, 2002

I love the idea of artificially constructed warm fuzzies automatically generated by a couple of lines of ColdFusion code.
posted by mcwetboy at 2:39 PM on September 27, 2002

The hugging, back-slapping and groping are completely unnecessary.

Speak for yourself as far as inappropriate groping goes. Forget warm fuzzies, how about something a little more risque: "Welcome. Metafilter would like to thank.. actually, Metafilter just wants to rub your leg slowly and make you uncomfortable while you eat your dinner." Or maybe "Metafilter welcomes you to... wow, nice Meatfilter."

yes no?
posted by The God Complex at 2:51 PM on September 27, 2002

how about just open up a MetaTalk thread automatically for them. hey USERNAME, MetaTalk, buddy! can greet them when they arrive, and the oldtimers can spend a few hours excoriating them for crimes they might commit.
posted by cell divide at 2:53 PM on September 27, 2002

Bah. Just pop a link to a flash movie that plays a cute little "welcome!" message with bits of confetti flying about.
It was good enough for me when I snuck in joined.
posted by gummi at 2:56 PM on September 27, 2002

Metafilter: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here.
posted by konolia at 2:57 PM on September 27, 2002

Snugglycode on demand? No problem. Go here (and type your first name in at the prompt). Instant impersonal non-pony satisfaction for all ruffled (but beautiful, intelligent, fabulous, great to work with) MeF users.
posted by picopebbles at 2:58 PM on September 27, 2002

I think donkeyschlong needs a big hug.

{{{{donkeyschlong}}}}


posted by mad at 3:00 PM on September 27, 2002

erg. MeFi users. Also, it works even better if your username is unusual (what a beautiful name fishfucker).
posted by picopebbles at 3:02 PM on September 27, 2002

MetaFilter: huuuuuuuuuugs!
posted by moss at 3:04 PM on September 27, 2002

I will personally sleep with all new male MetaFilter members. They will be responsible for their air fare to New York, however.

Anyone want to take care of the new female members?

Hey, come to think of it, we have plenty of gay boys, but where are the Meta-Lesbians? I can't think of a single one...
posted by evanizer at 3:40 PM on September 27, 2002

picopebbles thanks, your our new welcome mat.
On second thought no one should be stepped on and have their name covered in mud........;)
posted by thomcatspike at 3:46 PM on September 27, 2002

Ok, DonkeySchlong cracked me up.

I agree with Galvatron, I'm just glad to be here.

A cool option to have links open in a new window, a la blogdex on comment pages would be cool . . .
posted by geekyguy at 4:25 PM on September 27, 2002

Haven't you heard, Evan? Lesbians avoid MetaFilter like the plague, because it's just another gayboyzone.

I'm going to start scouring the Internet for guys with Spontaneous Projectile Vomiting Syndrome and Uncontrollable Bowel Eruption Disorder. And then I'm gonna encourage them to join MetaFilter. And then we'll see how many new members you're willing to sleep with, Mr. Izer.
posted by Danelope at 4:29 PM on September 27, 2002

Oh, evan's totally into gunge and watersports, you can't scare him with that.

Back on topic: they hug you at parties in Liverpool, feelinglistless? Are these... raves? In any event, I am of the belief that comfort and camraderie leads to sloppy links and comments. A healthy sense of fear keeps you fresh on MeFi. As soon as i got comfortable here, my input totally turned to trash. Like right now.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 4:39 PM on September 27, 2002

geekyguy: you can do that here:
http://www.metafilter.com/contribute/customize.cfm
posted by timeistight at 4:48 PM on September 27, 2002

I think that Justin Timberlake and/or Britney Spears should personally go down on each and every new member. Old members get their choice of Debbie Gibson or that guy from Flock of Seagulls.
posted by UKnowForKids at 4:52 PM on September 27, 2002

doh.

Thanks, timeistight. I do however like the on page option that blogdex offers.
posted by geekyguy at 4:52 PM on September 27, 2002

RJ, sometimes. And kisses to. I wish they were raves. Envious? I mean everyone seems to hug each other in the tv shows set in New York we see over here. Big lie, or don't you go to those kinds of parties?
posted by feelinglistless at 4:52 PM on September 27, 2002

Debbie Gibson please. Various reasons.
posted by feelinglistless at 4:53 PM on September 27, 2002

evanizer: maybe all the girlies are bi. i am. bisexuality repraZENT!
posted by pikachulolita at 5:08 PM on September 27, 2002

How's about something like:

Huzzah!
posted by yhbc at 5:43 PM on September 27, 2002

pikachulolita- Cool, I hadn't thought about the fence-sitters among us, my apologies!

I wonder if there are any bi-boys, besides PinkStailessTail?

Boy, this thread is drifting, drifting away from the topic, isn't it?
posted by evanizer at 5:44 PM on September 27, 2002

That should be PinkStainlessTail, by the way...
posted by evanizer at 5:46 PM on September 27, 2002

Eeyeesh. (which is not a comment on bisexuality, by the way). Not only did I completely fail to adequately set up that "set off your own damn fireworks display" link, I now see it has an annoying tendency to crash a browser, if not an entire system.

Use at your own risk. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
posted by yhbc at 5:55 PM on September 27, 2002

I wonder if there are any bi-boys, besides PinkStainlessTail?

Calvo wore off when I got home to th' wife. Knocked the gay right back out of me.

(Tho' I am touched Evanizer, that you remembered that comment. Or freaked. Maybe one from each column there...)
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 5:59 PM on September 27, 2002

I'm sorry, am I in the wrong bar, or is it just the wrong night? I'll just leave now ...
posted by yhbc at 6:01 PM on September 27, 2002

Can't speak for bi boys, but 'nother female fence-sitter right here!


posted by ctartchick at 6:29 PM on September 27, 2002

I don't want to know about any more of our fellow Mefites' sexual proclivities, thank you very much.

Unless you're a hot bi babe.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:46 PM on September 27, 2002

Can't speak for bi boys, but 'nother female fence-sitter right here!

upon first blush, i read that as "female face-sitter." heh.
posted by donkeyschlong at 8:30 PM on September 27, 2002

UKnowForKids, I've already had the dubious honor of turning down the Flock of Seagulls guy (wish I were kidding), so does that mean I get Justin? Cool. Young men have so much energy. wo0f!
posted by whatnot at 8:40 PM on September 27, 2002

whatnot, it means you get Debbie Gibson. I'm sorry, but the rules are *quite* clear on that.
posted by UKnowForKids at 9:44 PM on September 27, 2002

UKnowForKids: how about Adam Ant....mmmmm...or the Spandau Ballet brothers.....double-team mmmmm...
(I only have a certain Sweathog and Bill Blass and two guys from soap operas on my permanent record)
posted by amberglow at 8:50 AM on September 28, 2002

pikachulolita and ctartchick: I haven't been this excited since...well, you know. ;-)

Now if only I could find an east coast version of mr_crash_davis, life would be perfect. *sigh*
posted by Zulujines at 9:06 AM on September 28, 2002

where are the Meta-Lesbians? I can't think of a single one...

bas 67 outed herself. So did amberglow. Pretty sure Sapphireblue is lesbian, too. I'm sure there are more.
posted by mediareport at 10:04 AM on September 28, 2002

mediareport: I'm a nancy boy (and a little light in the loafers, and a friend of Dorothy, etc)--but welcome our crypto-lesbian overlords!
posted by amberglow at 10:17 AM on September 28, 2002

Um. Sapphireblue is engaged. To a boy.
posted by mcwetboy at 11:05 AM on September 28, 2002

Are you sure he's a boy? I mean, have you really checked? If not, I will happily do it!

(Oops! Sorry Michelle!)
posted by evanizer at 11:46 AM on September 28, 2002

Holy hole in a donut evanizer--you gotta calm down. Or get laid. Or both. :-)


posted by Zulujines at 4:23 PM on September 28, 2002

I'm sorry, amberglow and Sapphireblue, but I have minutes from last week's meeting of The Community right here and you are both clearly listed as Lesbians. Now, if you're claiming the Classification Committee has made an error, you can always file an appeal that will register you as Temporarily On The Fence, but until then I'm afraid you'll just have to live with the dyke designation. If you do not have a cat, one will be issued to you shortly by the Rules Committee. Sapphireblue, the matter of your "engagement" will be on next week's agenda.
posted by mediareport at 12:37 PM on September 29, 2002

I'm pretty sure amberglow's listing as a lesbian is a mistake, due to the fact that amberglow is male.

However, far be it from me to dispute the Classification Committee. I don't want to end up listed as "eunuch".
posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:12 PM on September 29, 2002

I'm pretty sure amberglow's listing as a lesbian is a mistake, due to the fact that amberglow is male.

A minor technicality. A new Committee is being formed.
posted by mediareport at 1:17 PM on September 29, 2002

OK, I'll be a lesbian with a permanent strap-on and an excessive hair problem....is that ok with the Committee? ; >

A minor technicality. Hey! I may not be enormous, but "minor"?!? (highly offended)

I don't want to end up listed as "eunuch" boy, this Committee is tough! Is Rosie on the Board?
posted by amberglow at 1:32 PM on September 29, 2002

oh, and i want one of those scary hairless cats! and i'm still waiting for my pony! Can the Committee get on that please?
posted by amberglow at 1:34 PM on September 29, 2002

oh (again-but last one I promise), Has the Toaster-Appropriation Committee been slacking? (I can open my own appliance store by now!)
posted by amberglow at 1:41 PM on September 29, 2002

Relative-newbie-hot-bi-(albeit-married-well-over-a-decade-to-a-straight-boy) babe here to say it's MetaTalk like this that is more than enough welcome, thank you very much...besides, ponies have always given me the creeps.
posted by squasha at 9:33 PM on September 29, 2002

Anyone want to take care of the new female members?

[horshak]

Ooooh!!Ooooh!!OoooH!!

[/horshak]


posted by jonmc at 9:43 PM on September 29, 2002

feelinglistless: You don't touch me "with a tube of pringles" 'cause I might chop off more than you'd like. Euw. DISgusting. Eat something real for once, sweetie...!
posted by realjanetkagan at 1:14 AM on September 30, 2002

Hi, I'm ltracey, and I am a lesbian.
posted by ltracey at 9:01 AM on October 4, 2002