Miguel's next plot line? October 12, 2006 10:07 AM   Subscribe

Miguel’s AskMe post requesting info on the typical Metafilter user (correct answer: there is no typical Mefi user and a fiction writer would do better with an atypical character anyway) for his teleplay was deleted because it would have been more appropriately posted in MetaTalk. I always suspected that Miguel was here researching for his next novel. What’s your plotline for a Miguel Cardosa novel featuring Metafilter?
posted by TimTypeZed to MetaFilter-Related at 10:07 AM (72 comments total)

Mine: Sophisticated middle-aged married European male, a lover of port, cigars and fine writing instruments, influential in the cultural swirl of his Old World city, meets online a free-spirited young American woman, a tattooed college student who sings for a number of bands in an East Coast musical collective. Will the hero throw away his old life for the call of new love in North America? Through the relationship of these two people, acclaimed Portuguese novelist Miguel Cardosa explores the gulfs between tradition bound Europe and brash America, between experience and youth, between centuries old craft and the excitement of the computer revolution, between the love of the perfect word written in a moleskin notebook with an heirloom fountain pen and IM messaging.
posted by TimTypeZed at 10:07 AM on October 12, 2006

posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:10 AM on October 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

Miguel Esteves Cardoso
posted by naxosaxur at 10:10 AM on October 12, 2006

(and then his fans beat someone over the head with their pedantry)
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:15 AM on October 12, 2006

Here's the deleted thread.
posted by brain_drain at 10:18 AM on October 12, 2006

make it a murder mystery
posted by matteo at 10:19 AM on October 12, 2006

matteo, that's freaky, because I once had an idea for a Law & Order/CSI type script where bodies keep turning up around the US and nobody connects them until they learn that all the victims were members of a MeFi type site.

(when this show is made, the jonmc surrogate will be played by Dave Navarro, that's all I ask.)
posted by jonmc at 10:24 AM on October 12, 2006

its a shame it was deleted. i had lots to say about neckbeards, imacs, and not showering.
posted by naxosaxur at 10:36 AM on October 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

I resent your assumption that I own an imac.
posted by horsewithnoname at 10:40 AM on October 12, 2006

I hope that Miguel got the central thesis of the deleted thread, which is that he should base his character on me.
posted by Mister_A at 10:44 AM on October 12, 2006

Insane Portuguese alcoholic terrorizes a community with incessant addle-brained questions, until he leaves them, but doing it in a passive/aggressive manner so that the entire community feels as if they've somehow done something wrong to chase him away.
posted by crunchland at 10:48 AM on October 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

crunchland, that might not be far-fetched enough to make a good novel.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 10:54 AM on October 12, 2006

But I still miss his contributions here.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 10:55 AM on October 12, 2006

You people never think commercially. It is a wonder any of you have a cent to your name and can afford internet access. Here is the bazillion dollar MeFi book idea:

The Prophesied Metafilter Conspiracy Code of Prophesy

Brilliant Portugesian author Manuel Cortezo stumbles upon an ancient code hidden deep in the labyrinthine text of an early post to an obscure blog. What was the enigmatic (and devilishly handsome) ND¢ trying to say with his post about vibrating overlords? Who were these overlords and will the mystery of their existence shake (or vibrate) the church to its very foundations? Did Jesus be having babies? Man that would be totally fucked up? Can Manuel and his beutiful librarian companion with big boobs figure out the code before the prophesy unravels the ancient conspiracy? Code? Code Code Code Jesus Code Metafilter.
posted by ND¢ at 11:14 AM on October 12, 2006 [3 favorites]

Manuel Cortezo would have to meet Suleman Zongo, my favorite spammer name ever at some point.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 11:22 AM on October 12, 2006

Everyday I write the book.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:33 AM on October 12, 2006

I go on this awesome killing spree, taking revenge on anyone who ever annoyed me.
posted by thirteenkiller at 11:36 AM on October 12, 2006

Wait, no.
posted by thirteenkiller at 11:36 AM on October 12, 2006

Wait, wait... I've got it.

Obscure nobody poses as quasi-famous European ethnic writer, and fools an entire community into thinking he's something he's not, then, just as the collective detectives are about to sniff out the elaborate fabrication, he flees, leaving the more naive community members feeling completely bereft.
posted by crunchland at 11:38 AM on October 12, 2006

Disturbed geek in his mom's basement chats up intelligent, vivacious european woman, who turns out to be his 58 year old father with a Fleshlight. They both turn to asking questions on AskMe on how to deal with this and are both soundly trounced by all the other geeks in their mother's basement who begin unlubed masturbation at the thought of intelligent vivacious european women.
posted by Kickstart70 at 11:50 AM on October 12, 2006

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
posted by ND¢ at 11:54 AM on October 12, 2006 [3 favorites]

I wish I knew the back story on Miguel Cardoso, the man and the myth. It would be awesome material for the book I am writing.

In this book, the protagonist, Mister_AAA, slays 24 Chinese dreck merchants in a Tibetanese cave by swinging a dead cat vigorously over his head. Later, he bench-presses a cadillac.

This Cardoso fellow is a perfect fit for my book.
posted by Mister_A at 11:56 AM on October 12, 2006

it was a dark and stormy night. there was a fish. in my pants.
posted by quonsar at 12:12 PM on October 12, 2006

Quite a tail. Was it finish?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:15 PM on October 12, 2006

all the victims were members of a MeFi type site.

even better than blocked accounts -- deleted users!!!
the worst case ever of Draconian moderation

like, Haughey goes insane and starts killing all his site's problem users
posted by matteo at 12:21 PM on October 12, 2006

Thought this was supposed to be fiction?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:21 PM on October 12, 2006

Mad Mefite Beyond Thunderdome: Fifty 5-year-old's enter. One man leaves.
posted by yeti at 12:22 PM on October 12, 2006

"Call me Miguel. Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on TV, I thought I would dick around on the internet a little. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffeehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off - then, I account it high time to get online as soon as I can. ..."

You can imagine where it goes from there.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:24 PM on October 12, 2006


(in a creepy, Tony-Perkins-in-Psycho's-last-scene voice)

Help maintain a healthy, respectful discussion by focusing comments on the issues, topics, and facts at hand -- not at other members of the site.

(bellowing, red-faced)

HAUGHEY starts shooting a AK-47

posted by matteo at 12:25 PM on October 12, 2006

How many 5-year-olds would it take to neuter a zombie grizzly?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:27 PM on October 12, 2006

How many 5-year-olds would it take to neuter declaw a zombie grizzly?

Fixed that for you.

posted by dersins at 12:32 PM on October 12, 2006

I'm still trying to figure out what a full web cavity search is.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 12:34 PM on October 12, 2006

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is "What's the deal with your nickname? How did you get it? If your nickname is self-explanatory, then tell everyone when you first started using the internet, and what was the first thing that made you say "wow, this isn't just a place for freaks after all?" Was it a website? Was it an email from a long-lost friend?" and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.
posted by yhbc at 12:35 PM on October 12, 2006

Sorry dersins, but the answer was: None. There's no need to neuter zombie grizzlies. They reproduce asexually.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:37 PM on October 12, 2006

Wait, don't they reproduce by biting the heads off non-zombie grizzlies and trying to eat their brains?

How can you POSSIBLY call that asexual? It's only, like the single most erotic act in the animal kingdom.

You have some very strange ideas of what does and does not constitute "sex," Mr. IRFH.
posted by dersins at 12:40 PM on October 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

"You have some very strange ideas of what does and does not constitute "sex," Mr. IRFH."

Truer words were never spoke.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:44 PM on October 12, 2006

Will there be an appendix on the Cabal?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:48 PM on October 12, 2006

I don't know why you all insist on making such a big deal about Miguel when he I am, Omaha's most successful playwright.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:57 PM on October 12, 2006

Indeed, he you are.
posted by occhiblu at 1:06 PM on October 12, 2006

And you are he.

We are all together.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:07 PM on October 12, 2006

Just who is this carstezo?
posted by jazzkat11 at 1:11 PM on October 12, 2006

I'm still trying to figure out what a full web cavity search is.

Well, if your cavities have webs on them chances are they aren't used all that often.

posted by If I Had An Anus

And you don't have one of the major cavities anyway.
posted by jonmc at 1:18 PM on October 12, 2006

If my dentist has taught me anything, it's that cavities need to be filled.

My dentist raped me.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:29 PM on October 12, 2006

Joe Franklin is your dentist, too?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:40 PM on October 12, 2006

More than just a dentist, really.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:53 PM on October 12, 2006

Oral surgeon?
posted by dersins at 2:01 PM on October 12, 2006

I miss our only famous European's fascinating questions. I wish we hadn't chased him away. I'm feeling completely bereft.
posted by timeistight at 2:15 PM on October 12, 2006

It was the best of the web, it was the worst of the web.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:30 PM on October 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

"Miggles and Me: an Unauthorized Autobiography"
posted by cortex at 2:36 PM on October 12, 2006

*jumps onto running bandwagon*

Hey, I was ordered by the management to post this problem to MetaTalk. So here it is:

Please help me define the a typical Metafilter guy.

I'm working on a screenplay for a 30 minute movie to be shown on Portuguese TV as an episode of a series (brilliantly) called "Communications". I need to personify a Metafilter user who keeps getting phone calls, letters and nice presents from a 19-year-old male Portuguese teenager who is thinking of moving to America. He's internet-savvy and MeFi-wise but he prefers the old school forms of communication - he's a bit of a manipulator too.

So what does the Metafilter guy who answers his phone calls (patiently, politely, annoyed but curious as well) look like? Male? Female? Age? Appearance? Home? Occupation? Disposition?

MeFi Guy doesn't have to be entirely believable but he/she would have to be typical, stereotypical even as the story involves three typical users of three community blogs.

Many thanks for any help!

*prays for derail*
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:49 PM on October 12, 2006

That typical metafilter user? He looks like this, is between the ages of 25 and 35, lives in an apartment which he may or may not own depending on how expensive the city is that he lives in (and he does live in a city), works as a programmer or designer, and is sarcastic, a bit nerdy, sometimes a bit mean, but essentially not (quite) evil.

posted by dersins at 3:06 PM on October 12, 2006

Thirty-something New York bike messenger/post doc, 3 to 5 tribal tattoos, black plastic non-prescription hipster glasses, male, bi-curious, liberal, Daddy issues, Mommy issues, sneaky uncle issues, heavily medicated, pronounced muscular development of the left wrist, amateur systems engineer/game designer, calls himself an atheist (but has at least one Goddess or Wicca bumpersticker because he thinks it will get him laid). Eats babies. Illiterate.

But enough about me.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:07 PM on October 12, 2006

And in order to be a better manipulator, he asks strangers how to manipulate strangers.
posted by desuetude at 3:08 PM on October 12, 2006

Whoever he is, he has a camera.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:18 PM on October 12, 2006

And likes pancakes.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:19 PM on October 12, 2006

What’s your plotline for a Miguel Cardosa novel featuring Metafilter? Oldboy, but with more periods and use of the word asshat.
posted by DenOfSizer at 3:21 PM on October 12, 2006

And goes by the username dhoyt.
posted by liam at 3:22 PM on October 12, 2006

Please help me define the a typical Metafilter guy.

In connection with something else, this.

But in a group of thousands of people (maybe even tens, these days, if most of the AskMe flashcrowd is active), 'typical' is going to be pretty hard to pin down.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:30 PM on October 12, 2006

I don't really know what the typical male Metafilter user is like, but I know I fucking hate him.
posted by eyeballkid at 5:34 PM on October 12, 2006

I don't really know what the typical male Metafilter user is like, but I know I fucking hate him.

How typical.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 5:38 PM on October 12, 2006

posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:49 PM on October 12, 2006

HE VIBRATES NEWSFILTER PANCAKES! That's what your typical Mefite consists of.


After spending nearly 8 hours yesterday reading the longest threads I could find on MeTa, I've also learned that everyone hates Suicide Girls, Matt, and each other. So you've got to include that somehow too.
posted by Bageena at 5:50 PM on October 12, 2006

*tears well up*

it's... it's... beautiful
posted by eyeballkid at 5:58 PM on October 12, 2006

The typical Mefi user is as young as FeistyFerret and as old as Postroad. She is polyamourous but has never had a date. He never drinks, has a cocaine problem and spent five years racked by debilitating depression. He uses a ticketstub to Bill Hick's last show as a bookmark in his copy of Infinite Jest, the only book she ever reads. They once made $80,000 annually sitting in an Aeron chair at a dotcom, but after the crash turned to teaching inner city youth 18th century English literature. She has no room in her apartment for Portuguese teenagers but represents the target market for $70 million dollar apartments. She is one-eighth Jewish through maternal descent, and orders Canadian candy through Amazon. He spells the surnames of other members incorrectly.
posted by TimTypeZed at 6:34 PM on October 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

Are there really more Allans out there? Yikes.
posted by yodelingisfun at 6:34 PM on October 12, 2006

Whoever the hell he is, he doesn't know nearly enough about mushrooms.
posted by Biblio at 7:52 PM on October 12, 2006

Agent Howie entered the Andorran cafe and looked around for his contact; a man who would be able to arrange a meeting with the head of the Andorran secret service, whose codename Agent Howie only knew as jamie939. The Librarian had told him how to get in contact with the man that How had sworn to kill in revenge for the death of his partner. She told him it would mean a series of steps and meetings through ground level operatives and eventually the upper echelons of the Andorran secret service. That suited Howie just fine. He was like a silent and deadly cheetah. He enjoyed the thrill of the hunt and closing in on his prey. Soon... soon jamie939 would be dead and Agent Howie would find some peace.

Scanning the room, he soon spotted his contact, a man sitting in a darkened corner of the cafe, wearing a brown suit and wearing a red flower on his lapel. Sitting down next to him, Agent Howie spoke the words that they had agreed would identify each other.

"The owl speaks words of wisdom in the still of the night" said Howie.

"And the fox listens, but never learns his lessons" replied the man.

Howie and the man smiled at one another, the formalities over with. Howie extended his hand and introduced himself.

"I am Robert Svenson" said Howie, using the alias he had used to arrange the meeting.

"And I am Miguel Esteves Cardoso" said the man, taking Howie's hand and shaking it. "It is a pleasure to finally meet you. I have heard that you are a fine, upstanding citizen of Andorra such as yourself."

"Excellent!" thought How. "He's clearly done his research and fallen for The Agency's disinformation about me. This should work a treat!"

"And it indeed a similar pleasure to meet a man of such admirable qualities as yourself, Mr Cardoso" replied How, playing the role of his alias to a tee. "As I understand it, you have performed a great number of deeds in the service of our country.*"

"I am sure that much of what you have heard is an exaggeration" said Cardoso. "I am nought more than a simple man trying to do what is right."

"Perhaps, sir" said Howie in response. "But I also understand that you are part of an... organisation... which protects and serves our beautiful Andorra in as much a way, if not greater, as you have done. To merely be a part of this organisation would no doubt be an honour, I am sure."

Cardoso picked up his tea and sipped softly from it. A thin veil of steam rose from the cup. As he sipped, Cardoso's eyes narrowed, as though he were thinking something over. Gently he put the cup down, and spoke once more.

"It would indeed by an honour to belong to such an organisation, should it exist, Mr Svenson. But you would imagine that it would only accept the brightest and the best. It would only accept the most patriotic, the most dedicated, the most committed of Andorrans. Are you such a person, Mr Svenson?"

"Sir!" said Howie, ensuring that a steely resolution was imbued in his voice. "I am. I wish to see Andorra safe from its enemies and its citizens free from all harm!"

Cardoso stared Howie down. Neither said a word. Howie was unfazed. He knew Cardoso was testing him. But in the back of his mind he couldn't help but wonder if Cardoso would buy it; if he would accept him into the organisation. Minutes passed. Finally Cardoso broke the silence with an enormous laugh.

"Oh my, Mr Svenson" he said still laughing, a huge smile on his face. "You remind me so much of me at your age. So young and idealistic about the world. Yes, of course you are just the sort of person we would be looking for in our organisation. I would be delighted to have you on my team."

"Why thankyou, sir" said Howie, happy that Cardoso had taken the bait. "But may I ask; your team?"

"Let me answer that by firstly telling you, son, that my name is not Miguel Cardoso" he replied. "That is simply my alias. My real name is Jamie Maruva and by 'my team', I refer to my organisation. I am Agent 939 in what is known as 'Quadrant 84'. And I am, infact, in charge of it."

Surprisingly, Howie did not react. Whether it was his years of training or merely subdued shock at being so close to the man he had sworn to kill, Howie did not give away his hatred. He played the part of Robert Svenson unfalteringly.

"It is an honour then, sir, to meet you." said Howie. "And thank you once more for accepting me into your organisation. I will not let you down."

Jamie stood up, still smiling, and Howie did the same. They shook hands warmly and as they did, Jamie slipped a card into Howie's hand.

"Please" he said. "Come to my home tonight. I will tell you more of what is required of you know that you belong to Quadrant 84. We will drink martinis and share the finest booze and cigars that our country has to offer. And I will take you under my wing, Robert, and mould you into a future leader. You will do great things for our country, I am sure of it. Together, we will protect Andorra from its enemies and keep its citizens free from all harm. Meet me there tonight at 7 and begin your new life."

Howie smiled nodded and answered in the affirmative and then Jamie left. Howie sat back down in his chair as Maruva left the cafe and got in his car. And once he was in his car, and had started to drive away, Howie reached his hand into his pocket and quietly pressed a button on a remote control hidden inside.

And as he did, Maruva's car exploded in a fiery inferno that even Hell itself would have had a hard time equalling. The fireball engulfed all bystanders in the vicinity, the shockwave smashing shopfront windows and injuring hundreds more. It seemed that the reason Howie had not flinched when Jamie Maruva had revealed himself was because he already knew who he was. Howie could play the game perfectly, it seemed.

The area was in a state of chaos but Howie still sat calmly in his chair. His enemy was dead. It was all over. And at last he could put aside the death of Babyguru and get on with the task that The Agency had sent him here to do.

Standing up confidently and proudly, with the weight of his dead partner no longer on his shoulders, Agent Howie strode calmly and unblinkingly through the chaos that now surrounded him. Ignoring the shrieks and the cries for help, the explosions and the heat of the multiple fires that now made up the streetscape, Howie walked away from not only the hell he had created but the hell that had engulfed his mind since the failure of the Lichtenstein invasion. A new era had dawned in his life and a new era was about to dawn on Andorra too.

Agent Howie was back. And Andorra was about to feel the cold sting of his embrace.

See The Adventures of Agent How #73: Playing the Player', where Howie discovers that his 'contact' is considered one of Andorra's greatest heroes.
posted by Effigy2000 at 8:03 PM on October 12, 2006 [3 favorites]

He drives a ricer, complete with a shiny new tailfin. If anybody ever asks how he afforded all those Gary-bolt-on-bits, considering that he hasn't had a job in ages, he petulantly spits, "fuck you, pussy!"
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:15 PM on October 12, 2006

Classic boy meets girl meets (or should that be meats) zombie bear.


Of lime.


No, it's actually moldy lemon.





posted by oxford blue at 9:01 PM on October 12, 2006

Alternatively: he's a young securities lawyer, bored out of his fucking mind. He studied literature, language and philosophy but latched onto the law because it sounded respectable. Now he sits up high in a glass building in Atlanta/New York/San Francisco/London preparing responses to governmental inquiries and padding bills. He's getting soft in the middle. He's forgetting his Shakespeare.
posted by kosem at 10:05 PM on October 12, 2006

He killed 24 people in the caves of Tibet.
posted by kosem at 10:18 PM on October 12, 2006

He is a man who asks too many interesting questions, who awakens the passions of middle aged american women with his fancy portugese internet moves, bringing on the vengeful wrath of frustrated it people who gang together and erase him.
posted by sgt.serenity at 10:18 AM on October 13, 2006

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