-you overthink witty headlines.

May 4, 2009 1:51 PM

You know you're a mefite if...
posted by Christ, what an asshole to MetaFilter-Related at 1:51 PM (357 comments total)

-you swear by Mexican Coke.
-your proudest declaration when discussing pop culture is that you don't own a television.
-videos of cute things bring out the ire of 10,000 suns.
-your friend Stu tells you his favorite dish is Hungarian Goulash, and your first impulse is to yell out, "Eponysterical!"
-relationship advice boils down to two options: a. seek therapy, or b. dump the mother fucker.
posted by Christ, what an asshole at 1:51 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you want to favorite things people say in real life
posted by Afroblanco at 1:53 PM on May 4, 2009 [57 favorites]

You hate Jeff Foxworthy.
posted by dhammond at 1:54 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

You have started to think that "Punch 'Em in the Dick" might actually be a solution for life's many problems.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:55 PM on May 4, 2009 [22 favorites]

You are unable to make major life decisions - be they medical, romantic, financial, or geographic - without consulting The Green.
posted by phrontist at 1:55 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

You have started to think that "Punch 'Em in the Dick" might actually be a solution for life's many problems.

You know AskMe is not a lawyer but you ask for legal advice over a recent assault charge.
posted by tommasz at 1:58 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

you wear a fedora when making love.
posted by jbickers at 1:59 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

...you are closing this up.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:00 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

-Every time you ask yourself a question you wonder if jessamyn will approve it.
-You actually know there's a wiki, know where the deleted threads blog is located, and have posted to every part of this site.
-You know what chatfilter means.
-You try to type fast in threads you think are going to go away.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:00 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

-your proudest declaration when discussing pop culture is that you don't own a television.

Nah. Substitute "-you think The Wire is the greatest artistic achievement in human artistic history" and you might have something.
posted by mediareport at 2:00 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

You tell people IRL to just flag it and move on.
posted by Dumsnill at 2:00 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

I know I'm a MeFite because jessamyn made fun of me for posting so much.
posted by Joe Beese at 2:03 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You have not one...
posted by mds35 at 2:04 PM on May 4, 2009

- your morning ritual involves opening a fresh tab for the blue, the green and the gray while you wait for your coffee to brew.
posted by EatTheWeek at 2:05 PM on May 4, 2009 [8 favorites]

...you flagged this post as noise.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 2:05 PM on May 4, 2009 [6 favorites]

...not two...
posted by [more inside] at 2:05 PM on May 4, 2009

-you know exactly what a Japanese shakuhachi looks like.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 2:05 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

...nor three...
posted by Anne Coulter's Butt Plug at 2:06 PM on May 4, 2009

...but FOUR separate accounts.
posted by Ivana Shtup de Naparino at 2:07 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

Rooky.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:08 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

you have an account at metafilter.com?
posted by box at 2:08 PM on May 4, 2009 [9 favorites]

You understand that favorites don't actually mean anything.

(...but deep down you love getting them anyway)
posted by Riki tiki at 2:08 PM on May 4, 2009 [6 favorites]

...you have a mefi in-joke as your user name
posted by porn in the woods at 2:08 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

you know it costs 20 dollars same as in town.
posted by nooneyouknow at 2:12 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You know this site won't make a good FPP, but you want to anyway.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:12 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

...if November 18, 2004 is a date that you remember.
posted by mds35 at 2:13 PM on May 4, 2009 [7 favorites]

...your conversational style consists of giving a long-winded explanation of MeFi in general and a random thread more specifically just so you can repeat something IRFH or AZ might have said one time.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:14 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

-When you see a woman holding her dying beloved in the ashen ruins of a war-torn city, crying because she is losing the only thing still giving her meaning to go on, you shriek "LOL MAYHAPS THIS WILL END WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FTW"
posted by Damn That Television at 2:15 PM on May 4, 2009

Apparently, it means embracing the overplayed and boring parts of Metafilter.
posted by klangklangston at 2:15 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- You feel a burning rage any time someone criticizes Apple or radiohead. So much so that you stay awake at night plotting revenge.
- Your taste in music and operating systems sucks.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:16 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

- your morning ritual involves opening a fresh tab for the blue, the green and the gray while you wait for your freshly-ground whole bean fair trade never frozen French Press coffee to brew.
posted by applemeat at 2:18 PM on May 4, 2009 [6 favorites]

- You flagged this post but commented in it anyway.
posted by hermitosis at 2:20 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

• your non-mefi friends know what you mean when you talk about "my friends from the internet."
• you bring up metafilter posts at work for work-related reasons

posted by ocherdraco at 2:20 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

- you wait for months and months for an opportunity to post a long, awesome, life-defining personal story that will impress, get heavily favorited, and be sidebarred, thereby etching you into the pantheon of MeFi comment fabledom.
posted by ORthey at 2:22 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

...If you'd never say it yourself, because you're completely over discussing gender issues, but you still giggle incessantly at the phrase, 'bucket of cocks.'
posted by Ms. Saint at 2:22 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

-an elephant crapping in ASCII has meaning.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 2:24 PM on May 4, 2009

- You live in a ditch and eat raw horse parts
posted by Damn That Television at 2:24 PM on May 4, 2009 [6 favorites]

- Whenever you drive by a church you scream "LOL XTIANS" out of the window of your miada and carve a pentagram into your forehead
posted by Damn That Television at 2:26 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

- Whenever someone says the name Cory Doctorow you interrupt and go "YOU MEAN HITLER?"
posted by Damn That Television at 2:26 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

- this would go better in MetaChat
posted by inigo2 at 2:27 PM on May 4, 2009

- MetaChat is not for Metafilter castoffs!
posted by inigo2 at 2:27 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Conversations with your spouse frequently begin with, "There was an absolute shitstorm on Metafilter today about--"
posted by applemeat at 2:27 PM on May 4, 2009 [40 favorites]

- you still can't believe anyone thinks there is such a thing as a metaphorical viking. Seriously fuck those people.
posted by ND¢ at 2:27 PM on May 4, 2009 [25 favorites]

- you're convinced you must have high IQ-autism or synaesthesia after reading an article about it.
posted by Christ, what an asshole at 2:28 PM on May 4, 2009 [8 favorites]

-- you have cameras.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:29 PM on May 4, 2009 [18 favorites]

-you know to remove the fingerprints, drain it of fluids, do it in the tub, and use bleach.
posted by The Whelk at 2:29 PM on May 4, 2009 [27 favorites]

--even you get sick of the pedantry.
posted by applemeat at 2:34 PM on May 4, 2009

You use the word eleemosynary.
posted by everichon at 2:35 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wait, I got this one. Is it... Ghostbusters 2?
posted by emelenjr at 2:35 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

You declare that you haven't read all the comments but....
posted by rtha at 2:37 PM on May 4, 2009

-- you have not looked at a plate of beans the same way for years now.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:37 PM on May 4, 2009

... .
posted by dersins at 2:38 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You think "bucket of cocks" can be folded into a good-natured rejoinder.

It totally can, don't get me wrong.
posted by everichon at 2:38 PM on May 4, 2009

-you're not sure if a comment is snark or a genuine, heartfelt baring of one's soul
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:39 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

This thread is illegal.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:40 PM on May 4, 2009

... someone mentions the Treaty of Westphalia and you've actually heard of it.
posted by dersins at 2:42 PM on May 4, 2009 [6 favorites]

–You know the names of at least four mediæval polearms.
posted by Mister_A at 2:42 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

-you've fucked a rainbow.
posted by The Whelk at 2:43 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

- East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 mentions the Treaty of Westphalia...and you decline.
posted by Sova at 2:46 PM on May 4, 2009

Awww I love you crazy people! Hugs!

Not really.
posted by everichon at 2:47 PM on May 4, 2009

- you've ever said "you just Godwined the thread" if someone tries to win an argument by bringing up Hitler.
posted by scody at 2:48 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you check the grey every half hour becuase its Monday and you are bored and you're hoping there will be a good flameout, even though you know those only happen on Fridays
posted by Big_B at 2:48 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

- You refer to suicide as "pushing the big, red button"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:48 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

-had a comment favorited by a person whose's website you used to follow in the ancient internet days of 95' and once drew a picture of but had completely forgotten about since.

Or is that just a sign you play with your computer too much?
posted by The Whelk at 2:49 PM on May 4, 2009

- gman buys you a shot.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:51 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

• You refer to your spouse as Mrs. or Mr. yourusername.*
• You frequently employ the small, ^sup and blink tags.

*bonus points if you use a masculinized/feminized version of your username (i.e. cowlady would become bullman
posted by ocherdraco at 2:51 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

-you've spent three fucking days discussing and arguing what taters means without any success.
posted by ob at 2:52 PM on May 4, 2009 [17 favorites]

..u no ur additcted 2 Yahoo Answers When?????? .....10 POINTS BEST ANSWERRRR!!!!!!!!!
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:52 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

- Something something in-joke, something something AMIRITE?!?!11
posted by djgh at 2:54 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you found, and then replied with an in-joke to, this thread
posted by DU at 2:55 PM on May 4, 2009

- You're participated in an alphabet thread.
posted by The Whelk at 2:55 PM on May 4, 2009

* You know where to find a picture of a man fucking a frozen chicken.
* You have a gun in all your profile pics.
* You are friends with anonymous.
* You've been anonymous.
* You know what these acronyms mean.
posted by bigmusic at 2:56 PM on May 4, 2009

- ZAMBONI!
posted by The Whelk at 2:56 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you stare at the thread, trying to balance the gimmicky pointlessness of the post against the joyful lightheartedness and community-defining exegetic self-analysis coursing through the resulting thread, finding yourself hewing first toward closure, then away from it, paralyzed for long minutes by the antlers-locked beasts of implication vying figuratively for adjudicative dominance. Ultimately, you realize you are, like many of those who have commented already but in a far more direct and unambiguous sense, being paid to navigate this internal struggle, and that's pretty awesome when you think about it, so, eh, fuck it.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:57 PM on May 4, 2009 [33 favorites]

-the words "six colors" make your heart sink
posted by ob at 2:58 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

-1142 and 9622 are more than just numbers to you.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:58 PM on May 4, 2009 [6 favorites]

Smells like a 20th high school reunion evite response thread up in here. I love you all.
posted by Divine_Wino at 2:58 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

-you bought little knitted booties for Mr. Tibbelsdorf lest anyone discover that he is declawed.
posted by found missing at 3:09 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- You achingly wish for a user number that was under 10k so people would actively worship you and you get that little basket with the 'You've won the internet!' card that all those pre-10k members got. Don't lie. I know you got a basket.
- You actually have favorite users you look up to when you've never met them in real life nor even SAID anything to them about your strange infatuations.
- Your blog is mostly composed of stuff you found either on an FPP or in comments.
- Your wife is completely sick of hearing about 'Hey, I found this video on Mefi today'.
- You get the sweats before you post an FPP and wonder if THIS will be the time that someone finally does a call-out on you. I mean, I want to be Mefi-famous, but not, you know, like Dios or something. Just kidding Dios!
posted by Bageena at 3:10 PM on May 4, 2009 [10 favorites]

-the only poetry you've written in years was a parody of Metafilter's unofficial official poem.
posted by borkencode at 3:15 PM on May 4, 2009

-you've wished a "glassing" on someone
posted by nomisxid at 3:17 PM on May 4, 2009

- You achingly wish for a user number that was under 10k so people would actively worship you and you get that little basket with the 'You've won the internet!' card that all those pre-10k members got. Don't lie. I know you got a basket.

You have that partially right. The basket actually comes once a month-- and it's one of those Oscar grab bag baskets, but without the expensive chocolate (I'm told cortex eats those himself). The best part of it is the cabal newsletter, exclusive home of Miguel Cardoso's comments (which are filtered from the site unless you are a "clear" cabal member.)
posted by eyeballkid at 3:19 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

- You still have your basket and the "You've won the internet!" card
posted by turaho at 3:19 PM on May 4, 2009

-you nod in agree with cortex
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:20 PM on May 4, 2009

You used those special parts to make your robot friends.
posted by longsleeves at 3:24 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

Instead of wreaths you deliver big signs with "." to the funerals of relatives. Not so much because you cared about them, but more for the conversation that will start up when someone asks what the fuck the big dot is supposed to mean.
posted by Elmore at 3:25 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

-you open your sub-10k basket and root around for something to send Bageena, and then decide just to favorite his comment instead, since the basketless masses seem to think favorites are worth something.
posted by donnagirl at 3:27 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you ever have used a meta in joke in a lecture, and wondered why no one got it.
posted by strixus at 3:27 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

You think everyone needs a hug.

You interpret a single period, alone, as a moment of respectful silence.
posted by NikitaNikita at 3:29 PM on May 4, 2009

- you want to start a pointless chat that'd get deleted from AskMe, but it's been less than a week since your last question, so you go ahead and post it in MetaTalk instead?

Epony... ah, yeah.
posted by Pinback at 3:30 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- You try to pronounce the lowercase "w" in "what"
posted by GuyZero at 3:34 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

-- you've overheard an actual conversation in which people have discussed whether to pronounce it "meh- fee" or "Mee-fie."

-- You've purposely thrown Strunk & White across the room, just so you could say you did the next time it comes up on either "The Blue," of "The Green," as you refer to them, when talking to strangers about things you've read on the internet.
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:37 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

I've told the developers at my organization that I have pony requests.
posted by roll truck roll at 3:38 PM on May 4, 2009 [11 favorites]

You know this site won't make a good FPP, but you want to anyway.

You've been chastised (jokingly?) by a mod for using the term FPP improperly.
posted by ericb at 3:52 PM on May 4, 2009

... you only have a stump where a hand used to be
... you hand out little dots at funerals and wakes
... in your kitchen, you have an unending supply of mysterious food that is questionably safe to eat
posted by madamjujujive at 3:59 PM on May 4, 2009

- you would rather watch metachat than ppv boxing or a comedy central roast.
posted by pwally at 3:59 PM on May 4, 2009

... and you definitely know better than to beg any questions
posted by madamjujujive at 4:00 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- You think of MeFi whenever you see portobello mushrooms at the grocery store.
- You think of the phrase "overthink a plate of beans" any time you either see a plate of beans or are overthinking.
- You hate yourself for both those attributes.
posted by brina at 4:01 PM on May 4, 2009

MetaFilter: You hate yourself
posted by GuyZero at 4:04 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

... eyebalkid hates you
posted by madamjujujive at 4:06 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

-You notice when you've lost favorites.
posted by klangklangston at 4:07 PM on May 4, 2009 [17 favorites]

-You know what it's like to have an immediate response to a previous comment all ready to go, but on preview you see that klangklangston has ruined the timing so you just close the browser window in disgust knowing you'll just reopen another in about five minutes.
posted by eyeballkid at 4:10 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

You read MeTa threads in the bathroom instead of magazines.
posted by subbes at 4:11 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

applemeat writes "Conversations with your spouse frequently begin with, 'There was an absolute shitstorm on Metafilter today about--'"

-Your wife asks "Metafilter?" when you break out some non-sequitur.
posted by Mitheral at 4:13 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

-- You hope their head falls off.
posted by Caduceus at 4:17 PM on May 4, 2009

- You've flagged a half-dozen of the responses in this thread which aren't really specific to MetaFilter.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 4:21 PM on May 4, 2009

I've told the developers at my organization that I have pony requests.

I've done the same.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:21 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you know EXACTLY how to solve the site's favoriting problem (or that there isn't one)
posted by milestogo at 4:23 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

-You keep following up every hour to see if anyone noticed anything you posted and, if someone has, you shit your pants from happiness.
-Thanks alot, basket-recievers. Now I have to go home and get new pants.
posted by Bageena at 4:30 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You wonder if anyone reads the posts down here.
posted by octothorpe at 4:32 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

- you actually bought a separate account so you that you could impersonate the disembodied soul of the site.
posted by Meta Filter at 4:34 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

- you've ridden in on a high horse.
posted by tellurian at 4:35 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you won't fucking stop going on about bacon
posted by brain_drain at 4:35 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

- you spend all fucking day following other Mefites around the Internet so you can throw their posting history in their faces
posted by Pot at 4:38 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

-you're pretty sure you know who wrote that anonymous askme
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 4:38 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

- you know a comment by Kettle is coming any second now
posted by dersins at 4:40 PM on May 4, 2009 [6 favorites]

-you cat has its own claws, foreskin and safeword
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 4:40 PM on May 4, 2009 [7 favorites]

-you wish there was a way to edit the typos in your already posted comments
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 4:41 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

"- you spend all fucking day following other Mefites around the Internet so you can throw their posting history in their faces"

Epothysterical.
posted by Kettle at 4:42 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

-you're used to being silenced ALL YOUR LIFE!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 4:44 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

You enthusiastically watch a YouTube video made by a neophyte ukelele player.
posted by lukemeister at 4:44 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

-- On the first day of class, you introduce yourself to your students as "MeFi's own FelliniBlank, professional teacher of the English language."
posted by FelliniBlank at 4:57 PM on May 4, 2009

You enthusiastically watch a YouTube video made by a neophyte ukelele player.

BoingBoing is down the hall on the right.
posted by GuyZero at 4:58 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

-When you're feeling superior, you like to jump into threads and let everyone know that you saw this on BoingBoing last week.
posted by eyeballkid at 5:10 PM on May 4, 2009

-Whn y'r flng sprr, y lk t jmp nt thrds nd lt vryn knw tht y sw ths n BngBng lst wk.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:13 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

-seeing the @ symbol immediately knocks you off your chair and leaves you writhing on the floor foaming at the mouth, mumbling about digg, twitter and The Eternal September.
posted by eyeballkid at 5:14 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

GuyZero,

Um....
posted by lukemeister at 5:14 PM on May 4, 2009

- the words "six colors" make your heart sink soar

- you fix that for them.
posted by notquitemaryann at 5:16 PM on May 4, 2009 [12 favorites]

- are tired of people fixing things for you that were never broken to begin with
posted by Afroblanco at 5:24 PM on May 4, 2009

- you fix that for them.

-you were waiting for someone to FTFY
posted by ob at 5:25 PM on May 4, 2009

- you resent your job for keeping you busy all day and making you miss an in-joke fest.
posted by JoanArkham at 5:33 PM on May 4, 2009

You enthusiastically watch a YouTube video made by a neophyte ukelele player.

I begrudingly watch said video. That's the difference.
posted by GuyZero at 5:33 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

-you're excited that jonmc has reappeared on metachat
posted by The Whelk at 5:34 PM on May 4, 2009

you're a viking
posted by waraw at 5:36 PM on May 4, 2009

Wait, we're not supposed to call a front page post an FPP? Why not? /derail
posted by cjorgensen at 5:39 PM on May 4, 2009

Sounds too much like Fap. Fap fap fap!!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:42 PM on May 4, 2009

You look at the comments, and think "that about covers it. Smothers it. Chokes it. Kills it."

And then add a comment anyway.
posted by hexatron at 5:44 PM on May 4, 2009

- You hate it when someone ends a comment with /derail, because you know that the derail hasn't ended yet.

Wait, we're not supposed to call a front page post an FPP? Why not? /derail

1. Because the FP part of FPP is superfluous. What other kinds of posts are there? They're ALL front page posts. It's a post. It's just a post. A POST!

2. Because it's exclusionary, as in, non-mefites have no idea what a FPP is. But fuck 'em, that's what Google is for.

NOW:

/derail
posted by iconomy at 5:48 PM on May 4, 2009

...you don't bother posting in other online forums much anymore, because none of them ever seem to measure up to MeFi.
posted by velvet winter at 5:51 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

....you know which mefite has a fish in his pants.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:02 PM on May 4, 2009

...you like pancakes.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:03 PM on May 4, 2009

-You know there is a Cabal (which there is not), and you know who its members are (of which there are none).
posted by Ms. Saint at 6:07 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

-You don't have any men with black bags currently tracking down Ms. Saint for revealing the number of members of a non-existent cabal.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:15 PM on May 4, 2009

- when you experience something out in the real world, you instantly know what Joe Beese would say about it.
posted by fleacircus at 6:19 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you would TOTALLY eat that.
posted by pearlybob at 6:21 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

- when you experience something out in the real world, you instantly wonder what jonmc would say about it.
posted by applemeat at 6:28 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

- you feel like someone out there cares about your use of an em dash and maybe you could share with them your idea of using triple dashes---like this---instead of the usual double dash to approximate in situations where no true em dash is available because the double dashes don't look good and you hate more than love -- this -- style, oh god just kill me.
posted by fleacircus at 6:30 PM on May 4, 2009 [7 favorites]

You feel like making a smart ass childish crack, but then remeber that your real name is in your profile.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:40 PM on May 4, 2009

you hope that a website that contains dubious information gets posted to the Blue so that the inveterate snoops and detectives figure out where the flaws are for you, saving you the trouble.
posted by birdsquared at 6:41 PM on May 4, 2009

-after years of lurking, you sent cash in regular mail to be able to post here.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:44 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

1 -- You wish people would stop posting about here and make some salmon-tastic new FPP's (just to be a jerk). You also, purposefully, mispell some words, screw up grammer, or put a comma in the wrong place so you can get yelled at inevitable by someone. Because your bored. Really, really bored. And nobody seems to be doing anything anywhere else. There's not even a newstory about a Popeye's running out of chicken to fap about.
posted by Bageena at 6:47 PM on May 4, 2009

-if you enjoy port-ah-bell-oh mushrooms while listening to the Pretty Flowers.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:51 PM on May 4, 2009

....you know which mefite has a fish in his pants.

You know who else had a fish in their pants?
posted by bibliowench at 6:52 PM on May 4, 2009

- it thrills you to see that your FPP of one of your favorite songs is still a Google top search result for that song.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:57 PM on May 4, 2009

you have a special bookmark folder for assembling posts.
you turned metafilter off by accident getting something out of the closet.
you have posted images
you have written a greasemonkey script for the site
you know who used to be whom
and you thought "brand new day!"
posted by boo_radley at 6:58 PM on May 4, 2009

you understand how to use HURF DURF in a sentence.
you use HURF DURF in sentences.
friends and family ask you what the fuck HURF DURF means.
posted by barnacles at 7:01 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

You know you're a mefite if...you notice that in tiny little ways, you've changed in the past few years. Your world has changed. You're listening to music that is made by people you know, and these people you know, you've never really met, but you know them. You know? And you count them as friends. You refer to them by username or real name or you just say, "This girl I know..." without saying how exactly it is that you know her. And you know about places you've never been--never wanted to go, but now you do because you have friends there. And these friends, these friends you've never met, they expand your world in ways big and small. You've seen pictures of their kids and know what kind of movies and art they like. And they have shared themselves with you. Maybe you never thought about circumcision, or declawing cats, or all the different cocktails that are perfect for summer, or why exactly porn finds its way to children in the woods. But now it's something that you've thought about. Something you've discussed. Something that makes you a person who is a tiny bit smarter about esoteric subjects, and--let's face it--a lot more fun at parties. You're trying new recipes that you've never considered, you're reading books and blogs and hating Comic Sans. You argue better. And not by arguing louder, but by backing up your arguments with facts. And you're open to debate, because your skills have been sharpened, your opinions are focused and deeply held. Day by day, in incremental ways, you find yourself becoming a better person. And without knowing it, you're making others into better people too, because you're sharing yourself with them. And you all grow. And the world becomes a better place. And it happens little by little every day. Because you're a mefite.
posted by ColdChef at 7:01 PM on May 4, 2009 [293 favorites]

ColdChef, please, you're ruining the smart-ass vibe here.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 7:03 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

ColdChef, I... I... I LOVE YOU, MAN!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:04 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

-You're vaguely proud to be the first one to favorite a comment (like CC's, for example).
posted by box at 7:05 PM on May 4, 2009 [6 favorites]

- your username is a tag.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:07 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

wipes tear away... I... I.. gotta call my mortician. We ain't talked in too long.
posted by boo_radley at 7:09 PM on May 4, 2009 [15 favorites]

- You've been on a longboat.
- Your significant other uses MetaFilter as verb (i.e.: "Are you metafiltering again?")
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:09 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- You wonder aloud about something totally obscure and/or obscene and your aforementioned significant other says "That sounds like a MetaFilter question."
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:10 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

- your significant other asks you a question you can't answer, and your first response is to say "let me post it on the green."
posted by scody at 7:12 PM on May 4, 2009 [7 favorites]

BECAUSE I'M ON MEFI

I was gonna clean my room but I was on Mefi
I gonna get up and find the broom but I was on Mefi
my room is still messed up and I know why
- cause I'm on Mefi

I was gonna go to class but I'm on Mefi
I coulda cheated and I coulda passed but I'm on Mefi
I am taking it next semester and I know why
- cause I'm on Mefi

(Etc... you can fill in the rest.)
posted by The Deej at 7:13 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

...cortex has written a song about a thread in which you participated.

...you aren't impressed by anyone whose name isn't preceded by "Mefi's own."
posted by misha at 7:15 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

I coulda cheated, and posted to Ask, on Mefi
posted by box at 7:15 PM on May 4, 2009

You can't understand the Metatalk problem someone has posted until you realize with horror that it means they actually logged out of the site completely.
posted by misha at 7:19 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

I was gonna clean my room but I was on Mefi
I gonna get up and find the broom but I was on Mefi
my room is still messed up and I know why
- cause I'm on Mefi

I was gonna go to class but I'm on Mefi
I coulda cheated and I coulda passed but I'm on Mefi
I am taking it next semester and I know why
- cause I'm on Mefi

I wasn't gonna run from the cops, but I was on Mefi ...

No, I'm not so sure about this one.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 7:20 PM on May 4, 2009

-- you've privately resigned yourself to ColdChef "winning" the thread over and over again, whatever it's about, even though you've publicly disdained the idea of anyone 'winning" any thread.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:24 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

1. You remember when Migs was a regular
2. You've had to start a different account out of fear your employer may find stuff on you.
posted by 6:1 at 7:24 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

-you post to MetaTalk about the "decline in FPP quality" on the blue

-you quote SCIENCE

-when a question arises at work, you say "I have some contacts I can check with" when you really mean "I will post that question to AskMe"

-you have a shortlist of discussion topics that you've determined off limits because experience has shown you that they rile you up too much

-you know not to bring up tipping, prescriptive grammar, evolutionary psychology

-you put your opinion formation about certain current events on hold until you can see them thoroughly hashed through via NewsFilter
posted by Miko at 7:28 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

You think through how to word your special problem to post on the green, and as you try to make yourself not come off as a complete idiot you realize that perhaps the answer to your question is that you are, at least for the time being, acting like an idiot so you go ahead and DTMFA, figuratively or literally.
posted by readery at 7:33 PM on May 4, 2009

--your hard drive at work is called "HURF DURF" and only you know it is named such so that you can think "HURF DURF DATA EATER" every time you copy to it.
Also that this little repetitive thought is endlessly pleasing.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 7:41 PM on May 4, 2009 [7 favorites]

You're disappointed that only 8 comments in this thread have ≥ 5 favorites.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 7:51 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

- you can sometimes tell who's written a comment before getting to the byline
posted by danb at 7:53 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You reload a thread because you want to know how many comments it has with ≥ 5 favorites now. 12!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 7:57 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

-- you've overheard an actual conversation in which people have discussed whether to pronounce it "meh- fee" or "Mee-fie."

- you had that conversation this weekened, with someone that you had many other interesting things to talk about
- real life irritable people seem like avuncular cheery oatmeal salesmen by comparison
- you know someone with every single DSM-IV designation
- you ask AskMe RelationshipFilter questions in your head and know what the answers would be, sometimes you tell other people what they would be also
- you always have something more interesting to talk about than the people who only listen to NPR
- you have been to my house
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:59 PM on May 4, 2009 [13 favorites]

Clutching your user number tightly, you read 180 comments hoping that someone would provide more detail on the whole worship/basket thing. Because you're owed, man.
posted by gnomeloaf at 8:07 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You've ever scanned a crowded bar looking for pale, bespectacled strangers before finally walking up to one of them and saying, "So, um ... are you here for the meet-up?"
posted by Bookhouse at 8:09 PM on May 4, 2009 [19 favorites]

- You feel validated when your comment is favorited by a Mefite with a lower user number than your own.
posted by The Deej at 8:12 PM on May 4, 2009 [7 favorites]

...you feel especially validated when your comment is favorited by a MeFite whose contributions you greatly respect.
posted by velvet winter at 8:20 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

EVERY YEAR YOU GET TOGETHER AND MAKE SALMON FOR TOAST, EVERY YEAR YOU GET A CROCKETY BLOAT, EVERY YEAR YOU GET DRUNK ON THE DOCKS, AND EVERY YEAR YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR CAPS LOCKS!!!!
posted by madamjujujive at 8:20 PM on May 4, 2009

You've ever scanned a crowded bar looking for pale, bespectacled strangers before finally walking up to one of them and saying, "So, um ... are you here for the meet-up?"

...and when you find that group, you note with thinly veiled glee that you can count on one hand the number of MeFites who are NOT wearing glasses.
posted by velvet winter at 8:23 PM on May 4, 2009

You know you're a Mefite if you regularly talk about "your friend, the undertaker".
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:29 PM on May 4, 2009 [8 favorites]

- You sometimes feel like you are in some sort of debate league with a bunch of librarians and an undertaker.
posted by dirtdirt at 8:30 PM on May 4, 2009 [11 favorites]

-You got MeFi in the divorce.
posted by klangklangston at 8:30 PM on May 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

-- you watch Metatalk like a hawk for those rare fresh soon-to-be-deleted threads in which your contribution of a lovingly stockpiled work of ASCII art and/or the word...

what
(all by itself on a single line)

...will be judged by your fellow members to be a statement not merely apposite, but astonishingly and timelessly profound -- a graceful articulation of a signal truth, forcefully encapsulating all that is good and right and/or bad and wrong in the world, that will shock and enlighten all who come upon it, and whose bright form, stark against the dullness of the Gray, limns nothing less than an animalistic howl of absolute Truth hurled far out into a dim and dissolute future.
posted by killdevil at 8:33 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

●████▅▅▄▄▄▄▄▄... ..▄▄▄ {¦(¦====¦>
▄▄▅█ Care Tank █▅▄▃▂
████████████████████►
◥☼▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲☼◤
posted by killdevil at 8:33 PM on May 4, 2009 [14 favorites]

what
posted by killdevil at 8:33 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

- you finally sign up for an account after years of lurking, imagining all the while the brilliant things you would say if only you could participate in the discussion, only to be too intimidated to say anything meaningful.
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 8:36 PM on May 4, 2009 [32 favorites]

• you have referred to yourself as "a friend of Matt Haughey"
• you know that there are two Jessamyn Wests
• you have made flags and favorites out of bendy straws and printer labels

posted by ocherdraco at 8:37 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

- You get tired of telling your significant other about all the interesting/informative/amusing things you read that day, and buy them a gift subscription instead.
- You can pronounce "haughey".
posted by ardgedee at 8:38 PM on May 4, 2009

- You find yourself telling other people that, no, they aren't actually mefites, it's just confirmation bias
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:40 PM on May 4, 2009

You wish there was a "flag for lame/favorite-baiting/favorite-baiting lameness" but just for this thread.

I need a hug.
posted by desuetude at 8:41 PM on May 4, 2009

-- Your head explodes with delight because you have finally thought of something else to do a post on in the blue. BECAUSE THAT HAS JUST NOW HAPPENED TO ME! Lucky number 3! (That's right. I'm so scared of you @#%@#@^@# that as much as you see my name, I've only contributed 2 posts thus far.)

-- Your more excited about your MeMail than your actual email.
posted by Bageena at 8:42 PM on May 4, 2009

you feel exceptionally pissed off when you miss getting in early in a 200+ comment injoke thread.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:53 PM on May 4, 2009

you have to stop yourself from interjecting with "you know who else..." in real life conversations.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:56 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

.. you mistake a comment of yours with a high favorite score for a laudable personal achievement
posted by EatTheWeek at 8:56 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

- you can spot any of the eight most common logical fallacies in mere seconds

- you know which MeFite's knowledge base matches which topic and sometimes message them to come into a thread
posted by Miko at 8:56 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You know you're a MeFite.
You just know.

You've been away, and you've come back.

You know it's the best damn place on the Web, and you can imagine it being around, much the same as for the last ten years, for the next twenty, and what else on the Internet can you say THAT about.

What happens here matters to you.

And they've given you your own in-joke, so I'm going to quit now and let it wendell.
posted by wendell at 8:57 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

ColdChef, that was kinda the greatest thing ever.
posted by rtha at 8:58 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You find the endless tongue bathing of all things Obama and the snuff fantasies about Bush entertaining...
posted by Confess, Fletch at 8:58 PM on May 4, 2009

- you never use smileys, you never say lol! (except ironically) and you never close this particular tab.
posted by h00py at 9:00 PM on May 4, 2009

-if you understand why everyone loves ColdChef pretty much without reservation.
posted by eyeballkid at 9:02 PM on May 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

but also...

You KNOW who else...

You know from real life experience that "???" always comes before "Profit!"

You've welcomed your new overlords more than once.

It vibrates. It always vibrates.

You know that surely this won't mean a damn thing.

You still wish you could use the IMG tag. So you use the blink tag.

When you see a sign for "Dairy Queen", you read it as "Drama Queen".

But if you find the endless tongue bathing of all things Obama and the snuff fantasies about Bush entertaining... you JUST DON'T GET IT and probably never will, but you're still a MeFite.
posted by wendell at 9:13 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

ColdChef is such a positive influence on you that you sometimes wonder if you should become a mortician.

At least one of your all-time favorite musicians is a MetaFilter Music exclusive.

You've ever accidentally yelled out a MeFite's username while making love to your spouse.

When someone mentions "Axis of Evil", you think Digg, Fark and BoingBoing.
posted by wendell at 9:20 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you wait for months and months for an opportunity to post a long, awesome, life-defining personal story that will impress, get heavily favorited, and be sidebarred, thereby etching you into the pantheon of MeFi comment fabledom.

But it ends up being deleted, because it was posted while you were on vacation, and you missed it when you were catching up.
posted by ArgentCorvid at 9:21 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

You worry about what the "top 10 tags" you use most in MeFi and AskMe, as generated by your userpage, say about you as a human being.

You and your spouse have referred to your child, out loud, as "babby."
posted by onlyconnect at 9:27 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

I love all of you. I really do.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:33 PM on May 4, 2009

Sorry, gotta play the game...

- You just knew that airplane was gonna lift up and fly off that moving runway. Or not.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:35 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You dream about Mefi, in detail.

You think, while in the shower, about posting an AskMe about whatever's on your mind.
posted by IndigoRain at 9:36 PM on May 4, 2009

You have said at a family gathering, "This will wendell".
posted by mlis at 9:40 PM on May 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

-if you've been favorited by tehloki.
posted by Sailormom at 9:43 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

- when you experience something out in the real world, you instantly wonder know exactly what jonmc would say about it.
posted by amicamentis at 9:56 PM on May 4, 2009

when somebody you know has a human relations issue - from the mundane to the downright bizarre - you think "ah, i remember a RelationshipFilter exactly like this..."

(...but can't remember quite what the best advice was, so you simply advise them to DTMFA. now you have a new human relations situation, in that everybody involved hates you for your terrible advice.

anxiously, you finger your WWTPSD bracelet, and start composing an anonymous RelationShipfilter question to try & solve the clusterfuck)
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:00 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

...your WWTPSD bracelet

I need one of these.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:02 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

- you refer to your spouse as Mr. or Mrs. [Your User Name]
posted by blue_beetle at 10:08 PM on May 4, 2009

- you keep a "prospective askmes" list on your iPhone
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:32 PM on May 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

You see eyeballkid type I HATE YOU ALL and know it's a term of endearment. You know what a longboat is and you have sailed on it a few times. You miss rodii.... You contributed to Matt's first new server fund, and exulted when he posted pictures of it. You contributed to Matt's Iceland trip and were sad when he couldn't go right away. You know, only because of his resemblance to Matt, who Sylar is. You actually have seen someone riding a recumbent bike and knew what it's called because Matt has one. You know who Matt, Jessamyn, pb, cortex and vacapinta are. You know who quonsar and jonmc are. You know what both of St. Alia of the Bunnies' former usernames are.
posted by Lynsey at 10:38 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

You actually have seen someone riding a recumbent bike and knew what it's called because Matt has one.

Now wait a minute. I don't know what a recummerbund bike is, and I certainly didn't know that Matt owns one, but I AM a Mefite.

I AM somebody a Mefite!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:49 PM on May 4, 2009

Blind Willie Johnson made you cry. And the post kept you busy for joyful hours. It wasn't the first, and hopefully, won't be the last.

You're proud to be a member here. The Blue continues to awe and inspire you and The Green remains your touchstone for advice. Even if perhaps you don't post as often as you would like to. (And even if you sometimes hold off on commenting on a post, because klangklangston and coldchef have said what you were thinking better than you ever could have.)

Your favorite pieces of trivia and knowledge -- the ones that you find completely awe-inspiring -- the ones you want to share with everyone you know? They came from the Blue. You even come straight here when someone famous dies, because you know that at least one MeFite will have a stirring personal story to share, or a special link to an article you really want to read.
posted by zarq at 10:52 PM on May 4, 2009

- you spend a week sick in bed with pneumonia obsessively reading the Blue, Green and especially the Gray, trying not to laugh because it hurts so fucking bad

- you instictively try to use html tags in word processors and IM chat boxes

- you look for ceiling cat when you masturbate

- you spend two hours trying to find a post you read six years ago. You only know that it contained a german word that you can't spell or pronounce

- you check your favorites more than once a day

- you know that eyeballkid hates you on general principle

- you know that mathowie spent way the hell too much for a laptop bag

- you know something about serial commas

- you own both a torch and a pitchfork and know how to use them

- your wife quietly sighs to herself that she married such a dork when you talk about something you heard on NPR as a segway to something you read here

- you are outraged that sixcolors was banned rather than flaming out in the spectacular glory that you know she is capable of.

- you wish jessamyn was your librarian
posted by double block and bleed at 11:21 PM on May 4, 2009 [6 favorites]

-You've had Cold Chef confirm that, yeah, you just ran through that red light in New Orleans, but it's okay because you ran through a couple before that and it didn't seem to cause you any worry.

okay, that might have been Afroblanco, it was that kind of night.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:31 PM on May 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

- you are outraged that sixcolors was banned rather than flaming out in the spectacular glory that you know she is capable of.

Wait, WHAT?
posted by jacalata at 11:57 PM on May 4, 2009

Wait, WHAT?

The Rainbow Connection Banhammer
posted by scody at 12:05 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

- if you managed to track down the MeTa thread resulting in a bannination immediately after hearing about it

thanks anyway :)
posted by jacalata at 12:07 AM on May 5, 2009

You hope Diebold voting machines come up in conversation so you can say that you know maybe 80k geeks who could reprogram one.

You feel somewhat cooler that someone who actually uses Comic Sans.
posted by Cranberry at 12:21 AM on May 5, 2009

- You feel validated when your comment is favorited by a Mefite with a lower user number than your own.

-- You favorite that comment so that said higher-number-user can feel validated by you, because you desperately need to be seen as a nice guy on the internet to total strangers and well, you're so fucking cool with your lower user number.
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:25 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

... you read the above and at least 90% apply to you personally and you instantly "get" them. Every. Single. Comment.

But you're a real mefite if that makes you proud instead of wanting to cringe.

... you can instantly find the comment that you remember posting lo those many years ago and that still captures the way you feel about the place.
posted by dg at 1:31 AM on May 5, 2009

...you see that the Alphabet Thread Helper has been activated with your most recent comment and go back to check whether the next letter is, in fact, Y.
posted by dg at 1:37 AM on May 5, 2009

- you paid five bucks and then could not understand why you waited so long that you had to pay five bucks.
posted by From Bklyn at 1:51 AM on May 5, 2009

... you laugh at people who paid to get in here, even though you would have handed over your first-born for the privilege yourself.
posted by dg at 1:53 AM on May 5, 2009

- you keep refreshing this thread every five minutes.
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 2:07 AM on May 5, 2009

...you joined the Filter wa-a-ay back in the days when it was free, but you've still paid for two $5 accounts that you used as sock puppets once or twice and have forgotten what the names were and don't care because you supported the Filter.
posted by wendell at 2:11 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

- During arguments IRL you say "take it to MeTa".
- You enjoy plochops.
- You see NORMARATORS everywhere.
- You think that Metafilter was better in the "old days".
- You have cameras.
posted by panboi at 3:21 AM on May 5, 2009

Goddammit, I was supposed to clean the kitchen. Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot.
posted by Scattercat at 3:44 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

Sometimes you harbor the delusion that We exist.
posted by the Cabal at 4:05 AM on May 5, 2009 [4 favorites]

- You are constantly referring to that "web community I'm involved in" in real life. You try to explain to your hairdresser that you were referred by a recommendation from an anonymous internet user whose opinion you implicitly trust because it was on AskMe. You feel a close kinship with any MeFite and would gladly get up at 2AM to move bodies if asked. When in the presence of a MeFite and a non-MeFite asks "What is MetaFilter?" you both sort of blink and the consensus for easiest explanation is "It's really time consuming."
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:12 AM on May 5, 2009 [10 favorites]

- You don't need to post questions to Ask, you can already predict the answers you'll receive. This is still a helpful process, taking the imaginary advice of internet strangers.

- You avoid reading your posting history like the plague.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 4:27 AM on May 5, 2009 [9 favorites]

- you quit an MMORPG so that you could spend more time reading Metafilter. Because it was either that or quit your job and get divorced.

- You know that no matter how good they are, your favorite band sucks, unless it is Wilco, which it is.

- You bitch about Metafilter's lack of a professional white background even as you are secretly glad it doesn't because you know that spending this much time in front of a white screen would turn your eyes to jelly

- You also bitch about Metafilter's lack of a professional white background when you can SET IT TO WHITE ANY TIME YOU WANT FROM YOUR FUCKING USER PAGE
posted by double block and bleed at 4:43 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

- your comments show up verbatim as punchlines on UserFriendly.
posted by gman at 4:51 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

what's the first thing you'd like to do in india, gman?

"check whether my comment showed up verbatim as a punchine on UserFriendly"
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:03 AM on May 5, 2009

You know a plane on a treadmill will take off and you always did!

And uh, you wish you had time to read this whole thread.
posted by delmoi at 5:08 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

-- you buy DVD boxsets of TV-series that you've never watched because they were recommended on the Green (and you end up not being disappointed).
posted by rjs at 5:26 AM on May 5, 2009

You read a metatalk thread and feel quite a bit less lonely. Also kinda smug because you are part of a Sekrit Club on the Internet
posted by lolichka at 5:34 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

For some reason you get offended by a post that isn't up to your standards, than you go post some kind of condesending hipster elitist thread in metatalk about how you're so sick of having to scroll through crappy posts and you wish people would just stop doing it, when really you should have just flagged it and moved on.
posted by BrnP84 at 5:39 AM on May 5, 2009

- You make a witty pop culture-related comment, even though someone else already made the same joke up-thread.
posted by panboi at 6:00 AM on May 5, 2009

-You have no idea how these people got their cats wedged into their scanners, or why.
-You have cameras.
- You make a witty pop culture-related comment, even though someone else already made the same joke up-thread.
-You wish you previewed
posted by TedW at 6:07 AM on May 5, 2009

-Even though you're a bestselling author, when someone asks your 9 year old daughter what it is you do exactly for your job, she says, "I'm pretty sure she just reads Metafilter all day."
posted by mothershock at 6:11 AM on May 5, 2009 [15 favorites]

You are married to the person who originally made the "We have cameras" comment, and you met him at a MeFi meet-up!
posted by onlyconnect at 6:30 AM on May 5, 2009 [3 favorites]

You think Givewell is a euphemism for being raped in the face.
posted by mds35 at 6:43 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

you'd hit that, but only to reset the cooter clock?



I miss the cooter clock
posted by namewithoutwords at 6:43 AM on May 5, 2009

You won't be happy until you hear that airnxt is doing time in jail.
posted by mds35 at 6:44 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

You bought your wife an account in hopes that she would stop being jealous of your blue mistress.
posted by mds35 at 6:50 AM on May 5, 2009

- you expect everyone you know to be equally familiar with the theory, practice, application, and definition of snark
posted by Afroblanco at 6:53 AM on May 5, 2009

- you know how to phrase a chatfilter question so it won't get deleted and have several you'd like to ask. But you don't, because it would be wrong.
posted by nooneyouknow at 7:07 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

-You don't even realize that half your memes are from 4chan and Something Awful.
posted by klangklangston at 7:29 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

-You keep trying to make "the" happen.
posted by klangklangston at 7:29 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

You think, while in the shower, about posting an AskMe about whatever's on your mind.

- you compose human relations questions in your head, then think, "What would wfrgms say?"
- you know how to pronounce wfrgms.

you pad technical work emails with hyperlinks to Wikipedia.

- when you ask friends if they want to go to a concert with you, your email includes links to a couple of reviews and half a dozen youtube videos.
posted by hydrophonic at 7:37 AM on May 5, 2009

I bought a laptop on ebay but it hasn't arrived yet.

--Todd Lokken
posted by mattbucher at 7:42 AM on May 5, 2009

-You have made a 10-20 word comment comprised completely of the word 'Buffalo'.
posted by chugg at 7:54 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

-You are just looking for a used car, what is all this?
posted by ALongDecember at 7:55 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

You secretly resent ColdChef for saying what you wanted to say, only he did it vastly better and you know it...

And by "secretly resent" you mean "openly admire".

But more on subject, I know who is a mefite because they all carry the Mark of the Devil, the Number of the Beast as it were. And I can totally see that shit.
posted by quin at 8:02 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

even though you would have handed over your first-born for the privilege yourself.

-you occasionally wonder how the little tyke is doing.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:11 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

- you work through emotional difficulties by creating imaginary anonymous askmes, trying to walk the fine line between enough information and too much; of course, the whole thing derails and ends up in meTa, and you realize that your emotional difficulties are not difficult enough to warrant the inevitable shitstorm.
posted by rtha at 8:35 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

- If someone (Smackfu, I think it was you?) offers to buy your favorites for actual cash monies and you think about it and decide that you'd rather keep the favorites.

- If you see that the door to the meetup room says "more inside" and you laugh about it inside your head for a full half hour.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 8:41 AM on May 5, 2009 [3 favorites]

- you wonder does anybody read the comments down here?
posted by found missing at 8:43 AM on May 5, 2009

- you discover, enjoy and use words/phrases like:
poopsocking
fuckmop
asshat
twat-dribblins'
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 8:49 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you think that if Tim Berners-Lee could have seen Metafilter circa 2009 when he was putting together Mosaic, he would have been both astonished, and immensely pleased.

- you've worked through many an AskMe in your head, including probable responses, and ended up not posting it because the critical analysis and combined problem solving process of the Green have changed the way you think about questions and their answers.

- You've still not made it to a meetup and that's quite upsetting.

- You have absolutely no reason to suspect that you might not still have a MeFi account into your dotage.
posted by Happy Dave at 9:05 AM on May 5, 2009

- when you see a person on TV who is known to have a MeFi account, you nudge your wife and tell her (again!) "you know, that guy is on Metafilter."

(Because I like watching her roll her eyes, I guess.)
posted by caution live frogs at 9:17 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you completely missed an epic circle-jerk love-fest because you had to "work".
posted by yhbc at 9:24 AM on May 5, 2009 [4 favorites]

-YOUR GUNRACK HAS A GUNRACK
posted by Damn That Television at 9:30 AM on May 5, 2009

- You've needed confirmation from others that your cat is an asshole.
posted by jerseygirl at 9:42 AM on May 5, 2009

- when a narcissistic celebrity gets you fired from a job, and 15 years later your tale of his supreme dickishness has spread in such a way that you'll meet people for the first time and they'll excitedly say, "Please tell the John Fogerty story."

Take that, crusty ol' rocker dude! Sorry you sat in that seat now, aren't you?
posted by miss lynnster at 9:42 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

- You wait with a physically manifest sense of anticipation for the next badass music FPP from flapjax at midnight.

- You started capitalizing your comments (something historically you have never done) because two old-school mefites have called you out on this annoying affectation.
posted by barrett caulk at 9:44 AM on May 5, 2009

- Someone you never met before gave you a martini and a backrub, and it was totally great.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:44 AM on May 5, 2009

- your cat has been discussed on a podcast, along with the correct pronunciation of your spouse's name.
posted by gingerbeer at 10:02 AM on May 5, 2009

- Zamboni
posted by not_on_display at 10:06 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

- after reading the word "Zamboni," you compulsively construct a comment beginning with an A.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:10 AM on May 5, 2009

Damn That Television : -YOUR GUNRACK HAS A GUNRACK

I have a rail on a gun that could, conceivably, be used to mount another gun. So if I keep that firearm in my gunrack...

Holy shit! I'm a Mefite!
posted by quin at 10:11 AM on May 5, 2009

- you have had a psychiatrist tell you that it'd probably be healthy if, as an exercise in self-control, you just stopped visiting that weird blue web site you're always spending so much time reading and talking about.
posted by koeselitz at 10:17 AM on May 5, 2009

-You hate boingboing.net
-you refer to Ron Paul supporters as "Paultards"
-your definition of Libertarian is either Republicans who smoke pot or selfish assholes.
-any USAin who presents the faintest hint of patriotism, or suggests that the US is a leader in ANYTHING is to be treated with condescension at best or (more likely) outright hostility
posted by Scoo at 10:18 AM on May 5, 2009

- ...and now that you're still visiting that weird blue web site, but you haven't seen that psychiatrist in years, well, it's pretty clear who won that argument, isn't it?
posted by koeselitz at 10:19 AM on May 5, 2009 [5 favorites]

-LOLXTIANS, SYLT, SAIT, FTFY and yhbc all make sense to you- and you occasionally sound them out in your head phonetically.
posted by eyeballkid at 10:24 AM on May 5, 2009

-you know what yhbc stands for.
posted by eyeballkid at 10:24 AM on May 5, 2009

-you wish daily for some kind of 30 second comment editing window.
posted by eyeballkid at 10:26 AM on May 5, 2009

-you post a content-free comment in a long thread as a place-holder for when you get back from the bathroom.
posted by DiscourseMarker at 10:33 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

...your friends ask with consternation why on earth you'd consider allowing "complete strangers from some website" to come to your house and stay with you while they were visiting your city. You reply, in a tone of voice that implies the answer to this question should be perfectly obvious:

"Because they're on MetaFilter."
posted by velvet winter at 10:37 AM on May 5, 2009

- you write greetings on cocktail napkins and photograph yourself holding them.
posted by tizzie at 10:56 AM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

- You remember the Longboat.
- you know what people are talking about in this thread.
posted by schyler523 at 11:12 AM on May 5, 2009

- you have spent way too much time debating the merits of American vs. USian and still have no idea which is better.
posted by Night_owl at 11:21 AM on May 5, 2009

You are disappointed when meeting new people in real life who have never even heard of metafilter (which you eagerly inquire of nearly all you meet), because, you know, they are obviously not doing the internet right if they don't.
posted by msali at 11:23 AM on May 5, 2009

- you feel like a slacker if you don't get a comment in a particularly good thread before it reaches 300.
posted by Bango Skank at 11:26 AM on May 5, 2009

- When you wish for a pretty pony, you think in terms of functionality.
posted by not_on_display at 11:38 AM on May 5, 2009

- you nearly teared-up (despite being above that sort of thing) this winter when everyone offered to pony up a buck to get that little girl her Christmas bike. Then you surfed porn, which is what the internet was created for.
posted by heyho at 11:44 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

• you have ever actually had a reason to jump up and down in your seat saying "I got my pony! I got my pony!"

posted by ocherdraco at 11:44 AM on May 5, 2009

You've posted "I love you all" to a bunch of oddly named strangers on the internet and actually meant it.

No, honestly.
posted by jokeefe at 11:57 AM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

And, like others said, you're pissed that you didn't see this thread until today, and wonder if that means you're somehow slacking.

You are at this very minute listening to the soundtrack to a movie that you read about on Mefi and otherwise might never have heard of. You downloaded the soundtrack after somebody in the thread showed you were to find it.

You know to page languagehat when it looks like a good flameout is pending.
posted by jokeefe at 12:09 PM on May 5, 2009

You are disappointed when meeting new people in real life who have never even heard of metafilter (which you eagerly inquire of nearly all you meet), because, you know, they are obviously not doing the internet right if they don't.


- Or if you jealousy hide your love of mefi from others because you tend to be snobbish and exclusionary about something that you have quickly become addicted to (eg. you post a link you found on the blue to facebook, but tell no one where you got it and when one of your friends expresses interest you send him a message with the link to mefi instead of wall-to-wall because you don't want all the other useless friends to be directed to your super awesome treehouse/fort on the 'nets).
posted by barrett caulk at 12:13 PM on May 5, 2009 [4 favorites]

- the personal six-degrees-of-separation stories that make you squee! involve MeFites.
- you've had dreams with MeFites you've never met, just randomly doing stuff.
- you compose all questions about everything in your head as AskMes. And then go searching to see if somebody asked that already.
- you picked your hair style/pet's name/software via an AskMe.
- all your wish lists end with "and a pony."
posted by epersonae at 12:16 PM on May 5, 2009

- you read every comment in epic threads, trying to come up with something witty to say. eventually, you give up and post anyway. cause, duh, recent activity!
posted by lunit at 12:48 PM on May 5, 2009

- The minute someone IRL starts to give their opinion, you respond with GYOB.
- All the threads on Metafilter are yours and you're going to go to court and YOU WILL WIN.
- You for one welcome our Metafilter-posting overlords.
posted by panboi at 1:06 PM on May 5, 2009

* your non-mefi friends know what you mean when you talk about "my friends from the internet."
* you bring up metafilter posts at work for work-related reasons

YESSS!
posted by radioamy at 1:16 PM on May 5, 2009

- When you can't remember what you ate yesterday for lunch but your MeFi user number is at the tip of your tongue.
posted by mrmojoflying at 1:19 PM on May 5, 2009

- you won't fucking stop going on about bacon

Sounds more like SA than Mefi. Mefites>Goons
posted by radioamy at 1:25 PM on May 5, 2009

- you immediately check your calendar to make sure you'll be in town to attend the 10th Anniversary Mass Mefi Meetup.

- you already know that your significant other will mock you, gently, for this.

- you don't care.
posted by scody at 1:46 PM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

- you are occasionally surprised that a significant proportion of people you interact with regularly are american (or perhaps canadian, but they're more or less the same).
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:05 PM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

- references to the cortex made on the show Fringe make you envision giant donuts and the word Shatner.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 2:08 PM on May 5, 2009

- You know the first place to look when you need good advice on how to properly dispose of a dead body.

- You start a flame thread to get needed confirmation that you are, indeed, an asshole.

- You submit an askme question for recipe ideas because you currently have 40 pounds of basil and, unsurprisingly, not one response questions how you came into possession of 40 pounds of basil in the first place.
posted by seppyk at 2:09 PM on May 5, 2009 [4 favorites]

- you know that asking HOW and WHY the poster got 40lb of Basil would not answer the question and thus be noise or a derail.
posted by The Whelk at 2:35 PM on May 5, 2009 [4 favorites]

- you're fascinated with the political intrigue of Eve Online, but would never actually play it.
- you know exactly which seasons The Simpsons was in its prime.
- you've made a crack about telling kids to get off your lawn.
posted by Christ, what an asshole at 2:46 PM on May 5, 2009

- You can't wait to see pictures from Coldchef's summer treehouse project.
posted by meeshell at 2:49 PM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

-You're no longer surprised when comments start with "I wrote a book about that" rather than "I read a book about that".
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 3:14 PM on May 5, 2009

• you have ever spent an entire afternoon writing poetry for a thread

posted by ocherdraco at 3:23 PM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

-This thread makes you very happy.
posted by octothorpe at 3:43 PM on May 5, 2009

-You look to see how many favorites a comment has before you read it.
posted by Skygazer at 4:35 PM on May 5, 2009

- your girlfriend uses the term "MeFi mail me" in an AskMe question and you smile.

By the way, this thread is scaring me. I've done entirely too many of these things.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:38 PM on May 5, 2009

-Sit seething on the edge of your seat dying to type: GYOB ASSFACE!!!
posted by Skygazer at 4:39 PM on May 5, 2009

- this thread makes you wish you posted more.
posted by Shohn at 4:41 PM on May 5, 2009

- you are stunned - STUNNED - to find out that "MetaFilter's own" David Pogue does not know what a rickroll is.
posted by mds35 at 4:51 PM on May 5, 2009

- You get worried when ColdChef says he's going to be "bringing some of his work" to the next meetup.
posted by panboi at 4:51 PM on May 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

- You send yourself an email so you know where to start in a thread because it's time to go home from work now & you're still not done with the thread...
posted by susanbeeswax at 6:14 PM on May 5, 2009

You google miss lynnster's John Fogerty story.
posted by lukemeister at 6:22 PM on May 5, 2009 [4 favorites]

- your gmail away messages are invariably links that you found on Metafilter. You hope that nobody notices, but you know that at least a couple do.
posted by Afroblanco at 7:00 PM on May 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

You make a new friend and wonder if they'd make a good Mefite.
posted by hydrophonic at 10:50 PM on May 5, 2009

-your backspace key is rubbed bare
-you wonder what acronym will be used to describe your legacy spawn when they're old enough to get an account
posted by auntbunny at 12:51 AM on May 6, 2009

You had a Monkeyfilter account while new user singups at Metafilter were closed.
posted by mds35 at 5:14 AM on May 6, 2009 [2 favorites]

- You have at least one of Plutor's greasemonkey scripts for Metafilter
posted by double block and bleed at 7:05 AM on May 6, 2009

- You've ever greased a monkey for Plutor, or at least helped him remove the bugs from one.
posted by blue_beetle at 11:45 AM on May 6, 2009

You realize that you are in all ways grossly superior to everyone else here.

You're an expat in a country where you don't speak the language and shudder to think how little human communication you'd have without all this.

You actually start to wonder if you could find someone here who could pull strings to circumvent rules for taking a cat out of a Middle Eastern country.
posted by ambient2 at 12:10 PM on May 6, 2009

- you spend a week sick in bed with pneumonia obsessively reading the Blue, Green and especially the Gray, trying not to laugh because it hurts so fucking bad

Speaking as someone who has just yesterday had his appendix removed, I know *exactly* what you mean. Please, no more jokes in this thread, people.

;)
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 12:44 PM on May 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

-You google like crazy so you can post a "Best of the web" FPP that combines zombies and bacon, thereby causing mefites heads to explode the world over.
posted by Skygazer at 7:31 PM on May 6, 2009

- you spend a week sick in bed with pneumonia obsessively reading the Blue, Green and especially the Gray, trying not to laugh because it hurts so fucking bad

Speaking as someone who has just yesterday had his appendix removed, I know *exactly* what you mean. Please, no more jokes in this thread, people.

-you thank the gods that the hospital your wife just gave birth in had free wifi
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:51 AM on May 7, 2009

- the site goes down for a brief time and you start wondering if the internet is broken.
posted by Mitheral at 8:59 AM on May 7, 2009

-You get excited when your lame local news station airs a "slow news day story" about a website you saw on the blue weeks ago. You wonder if an intern at the station is a mefite.

-It surprises you that mefite is not recognized by spell check.
posted by dchrssyr at 9:26 AM on May 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

- your boss asked you 'what is that blue screen?'
posted by sconbie at 9:24 PM on May 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

When I used to work for the University of Texas, I set my desktop color to MetaFilter blue so that it would be harder for my boss to tell when I was screwing around.
posted by ColdChef at 9:30 PM on May 7, 2009 [3 favorites]

CC, that's what the plain mefi theme is for.
posted by octothorpe at 8:15 AM on May 8, 2009

-you'd rather adjust the rest of the world to mefi than change mefi with the plain theme
posted by jacalata at 1:59 PM on May 8, 2009 [8 favorites]

-You flag your own comments.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:17 PM on May 8, 2009 [3 favorites]

- you're really, really sad that no one's posting to this thread anymore.
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 3:35 AM on May 14, 2009

-You're still checking threads a week later to see if someone is posting to them.
posted by ColdChef at 5:04 AM on May 14, 2009

- You post to a thread just so Captain Cardanthian and ColdChef have something to read.
posted by octothorpe at 5:28 AM on May 14, 2009

- You post to a thread to reset the last place you commented and to avoid scrolling.
posted by dg at 5:30 AM on May 14, 2009

- you actually do read the comments "down here," and swear they're the best part of the thread.
posted by not_on_display at 5:55 AM on May 14, 2009

• you have thrown a grilled cheese party
• whenever someone asks you where you got an idea to do something, the answer is always Metafilter

posted by ocherdraco at 7:26 AM on May 15, 2009

Someone sends you a link and you reply, "Oh yea, I saw that on Metafilter last week."
posted by octothorpe at 7:56 AM on May 15, 2009 [2 favorites]

You watch the news of TV and saw most of the stories on MetaFilter yesterday.
posted by dg at 4:27 AM on May 17, 2009

- you fret over the numerical difference between your Favorites and Favorited comments.

- you fret over which color screen to use when posting.

- you walk down the street and sigh, because the phrase "you only get one Askme a week" isn't what you need right about now.

- you used to get all "Metachat is better than Metafilter", then you were all "Metafilter is okay, I guess, but I'm still not getting an account!", then you were all, "Hey I know Jessamyn IRL!",
then you were all up in this hizzy and pissed when your music post maxed at 89 favorites.

- you're pissed as hell because there's no Metafilter equivalent to when you did this.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:21 PM on May 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

• you come back from four days without internet, and the very first thing you do (before email, even) is see what's happening on Metafilter.

posted by ocherdraco at 9:15 AM on May 26, 2009

Lipstick Thespian: ...then you were all "Metafilter is okay, I guess, but I'm still not getting an account!", then you were all, "Hey I know Jessamyn IRL!"

• You're hanging out with Jessamyn at her place in VT, and she's showing you something cool she found online, and you interrupt her to check to see if there were any new comments on one of your posts.

...No, I haven't seen the actual banhammer.
posted by not_on_display at 11:02 AM on May 26, 2009

- then you were all, "Hey I know Jessamyn IRL!"

- You're hanging out with Jessamyn at her place in VT

- You've been here long enough to stop being impressed when people get into "No, I know jessmyn better" fights
posted by dersins at 11:33 AM on May 26, 2009

You've been here long enough to stop being impressed when people get into "No, I know jessmyn better" fights

Ahem.
posted by ColdChef at 12:57 PM on May 26, 2009

Dagggg.

Seriously, dersins, you're not impressed? shit.

I'm packing it in.

[this account has been disabled]
posted by not_on_display at 1:39 PM on May 26, 2009

- you don't mind missing sleep 'cause you know there's so many FPPs in your favorites list that you haven't fully explored yet.

can't sleep, clown will eat me... can't sleep, clown will eat me...
posted by not_on_display at 4:59 PM on May 26, 2009