We Could've Hit the Bigtimes October 14, 2011 1:17 PM   Subscribe

A fairly popular thread on the Blue of a month or so ago has been picked up by Warner Brothers. No credit to us -- that goes, rightfully, to the original Reddit thread, but fun to see all the same.
posted by rtimmel to MetaFilter-Related at 1:17 PM (94 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

Villain?! Now wait just a minute.
posted by AugieAugustus at 1:22 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


I saw the thread at Reddit before it got over here. It was internet interesting to me, but I guess I didn't think it was worth making a movie out of. But that seems about right. I'd rather have that "how many 5-year-olds can you take in a fight?" concept made into a movie than this.
posted by cashman at 1:38 PM on October 14, 2011 [5 favorites]


MNE (Major Non-Event).
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:45 PM on October 14, 2011 [2 favorites]


this is only barely related to metafilter. yay for the redditor, but i hope we don't get metatalk updates every time a subject of a post gets picked up for a movie.
posted by nadawi at 1:45 PM on October 14, 2011 [4 favorites]


that is AWESOME
the movie is going to be terrible, but that's awesome.

THE AMERICAN DREAM IS ALIVE AND WELL FOLKS
posted by nathancaswell at 1:50 PM on October 14, 2011 [2 favorites]


We don't do updates in metatalk any more.
posted by empath at 1:54 PM on October 14, 2011


I only hope they release the film around the Fourth of July weekend so I can feel patriotic about our boys kicking some Roman ass!
posted by Horselover Phattie at 1:55 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


I didn't even realize this was a possibility. I'm going to go ahead and jot down some of my script ideas here, in case anybody at Warner is reading.

1. Two martial arts studios in the 70s in San Francisco go to war with each other
2. Two friends spend a year trying every single drug in the world
3. In the future, porn will be a nationally funded art, and there will be competing schools that teach porn skills. Two young women in one school are in competition, both with sexual characteristics that cause viewers to faint from ecstasy
4. It turns out that Yetis actually have their own culture and system of government that is being systematically destroyed by the Chinese government, and so the head of the Yeti kingdom, now in exile in Hollywood, goes on an international speaking tour to raise awareness. And while on the road, he tried every single drug in the world.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 1:56 PM on October 14, 2011 [46 favorites]


This gon' be like Snakes On A Plane, Tweenty-teens Edition.
posted by Edogy at 1:56 PM on October 14, 2011


This gon' be like Snakes On A Plane, Tweenty-teens Edition.

It's the bastard threeway child of Blackhawk Down, Aliens, and Timecop, with Marines and Roman legions. THOSE TICKETS SELLS THEMSELVES.
posted by nathancaswell at 1:58 PM on October 14, 2011 [4 favorites]


VO: He knew how to make bodies disappear without leaving a trace, but the one organ he couldn't make vanish ... was his own heart.

BE SMART
Christmas 2012

posted by Horace Rumpole at 1:59 PM on October 14, 2011 [24 favorites]


I suspect the film is going to look worryingly similar to this.
posted by Sonny Jim at 2:01 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


What if Eleanor Roosevelt could fly?
posted by longsleeves at 2:06 PM on October 14, 2011 [3 favorites]


He was a portobello mushroom. She was an ordinary Texan, just going about her day. But in a world where supermarket checkout operators are insufficiently trained in mycology, it was inevitable that they'd run into each other. Coming this Fall: Whats That? Portobello Inline Image Day 3: The Quickening.
posted by Sonny Jim at 2:07 PM on October 14, 2011 [8 favorites]


He was a portoabello mushroom.
posted by nathancaswell at 2:11 PM on October 14, 2011


Portobello Inline Image Day 3: The Quickening.

I have mostly made my peace with the removal of the <img> tag, but I think an exception should be made for mushroom images.
posted by killdevil at 2:23 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is more than an update though, this is a really Great Thing For The Internet
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:25 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]



It's the bastard threeway child of Blackhawk Down, Aliens, and Timecop, with Marines and Roman legions. THOSE TICKETS SELLS THEMSELVES.


Aliens? Is a tiny Caeser going to burst out of someone's abdomen? Will Legionaires come out of the goddamn walls?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:27 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


If you don't see the overlap between Aliens and Blackhawk Down I don't know what to tell you...
posted by nathancaswell at 2:29 PM on October 14, 2011 [4 favorites]


See? This is what happens when we make posts out of effing Reddit crap. They get all the glory.
posted by crunchland at 2:41 PM on October 14, 2011


Reddit confuses me, does it continue past Day 8 anywhere?
posted by Blasdelb at 2:42 PM on October 14, 2011 [3 favorites]


I was confused at the time about why we were having a conversation about reddit having a conversation.

But this is a conversation about a theoretical movie, about a conversation we had a conversation about.
posted by Stagger Lee at 3:14 PM on October 14, 2011 [2 favorites]


Should I Risk It II: The Re-eatening
posted by found missing at 3:19 PM on October 14, 2011 [5 favorites]


I try really, really hard not to be a pop culture snob. (Look at my TiVo and you'll understand that it's mostly about me not seemingly like a hypocrite.) That said, my first response was "Isn't it enough that studios ruin good books, now somebody's going to go and ruin a good Internet thread as well?"

That said, it always seemed like it could be a fucking awesome movie. But so do lots of other movies. Keeping my fingers crossed...whogh mkakese irt hard to tuype.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:26 PM on October 14, 2011


Dear Hollywood ... Ferris Bueller is Tyler Durden. I await your call.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:37 PM on October 14, 2011 [7 favorites]


now somebody's going to go and ruin a good Internet thread as well?

Right this moment, the next Great Author is furiously typing out an epistolary novel, told entirely as threaded comments on a forum.

And a screenwriter is peeking over his shoulder and salivating.
posted by lekvar at 3:39 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dear Hollywood: Please check my comment history. That is all.
posted by The Whelk at 3:43 PM on October 14, 2011


I'm not greedy, a producer credit would be fine
posted by The Whelk at 3:45 PM on October 14, 2011


Ah, but will they be faced with the challenges of disposing of a body in ancient Rome?
posted by scody at 3:54 PM on October 14, 2011


Weekend At Bacchus'
posted by The Whelk at 3:54 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


Cumming soon:

"Delete This Stasi Mods!" a story about self mutilation, poultry abuse and unhealthy attractions to Roger Ebert.

[tagline] "My God... It's full of beans!"
posted by edgeways at 4:00 PM on October 14, 2011


Like The Final Countdown then?
posted by knapah at 4:09 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


Borked that link... The Final Countdown.
posted by knapah at 4:14 PM on October 14, 2011


Big Mama's Chocolate Orange Freakout. In which our hero(ine) tries to get home from the supermarket with a trolley full of discounted treats. Think of the product placement opportunities.
posted by arcticseal at 4:42 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


i'm waiting, NBC.
posted by nadawi at 4:44 PM on October 14, 2011


Hey NBC, did I get the banter down?
posted by The Whelk at 4:46 PM on October 14, 2011


I'M WAITING, HOLLYWOOD
posted by Sticherbeast at 4:47 PM on October 14, 2011


2000AD had this back in the 1970s, but it was a British Army unit from, when else, World War 2.
posted by meehawl at 4:48 PM on October 14, 2011


Don't be silly. We know the only thing that can stop the Roman Legions is a sonic screwdriver.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:34 PM on October 14, 2011 [4 favorites]


no no it's floating text messages
posted by The Whelk at 5:45 PM on October 14, 2011


We know the only thing that can stop the Roman Legions is a sonic screwdriver.

I'm pretty sure the average Roman Legionnaire's immune system would not be capable of fending off modern bacteria, so I bet anything from Sonic would do.
posted by nathancaswell at 5:45 PM on October 14, 2011 [6 favorites]


1. Two martial arts studios in the 70s in San Francisco go to war with each other

Dear Movie People,

Please make this happen. I will watch the shit out of it.

Thanks!
posted by grapesaresour at 5:46 PM on October 14, 2011 [6 favorites]


Finally, a chance for American media to show the American military beating up some foreigners in an unlikely scenario!
posted by DU at 5:51 PM on October 14, 2011 [9 favorites]


Check out the subreddit /r/romesweetrome
posted by Ad hominem at 6:01 PM on October 14, 2011


"We don't do updates in metatalk any more."

Ah, thanks for keeping me up to date.
posted by Eideteker at 6:13 PM on October 14, 2011 [2 favorites]


American soldiers swept back in time or taken to an alien planet where they're forced to fight is a pretty common idea in SF. The cool thing about the Mefi thread (and I guess the Reddit one) is the sheer eye straining detail that everyone poured into it.

Btw, that would be an amazing documentary, Horace Rumpole! Well worth the extra ticket cost for 3D.
posted by Kevin Street at 6:18 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is a movie about desks.
posted by Sailormom at 6:32 PM on October 14, 2011 [5 favorites]


I once heard a pitch " What if cavemen had automatic weapons?" and it was fairly entertaining.
posted by Ideefixe at 6:59 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


Weekend At Bacchus'

Holy shit, I had no idea that I wanted to see a movie about two devotees of a Roman Mystery cult carrying around their Dying god, waiting for him to be resurrected. There would be hijinks and maybe a scantily clad priestess of Cybele, for "Ow, my balls" joke.
posted by khaibit at 7:03 PM on October 14, 2011 [8 favorites]


Automatic weapons out of time? Anniversary of the American Civil War? Why, time to option Guns of the South!
posted by Atreides at 7:10 PM on October 14, 2011


My American soldiers get sent back in time novel involves the 92nd Infantry Division (or the 761st Tank Battalion or 371st Infantry Regiment or all three of them) from 1945 being sent back to the American South in 1878. Hilarity ensues.
posted by nooneyouknow at 8:23 PM on October 14, 2011 [2 favorites]


Since were on the topic of combining ides to make movies:

The Crookshanks Redemption
posted by Confess, Fletch at 8:52 PM on October 14, 2011 [2 favorites]


Oh man, I can only hope it's half as good as Time Chasers.
posted by maryr at 10:21 PM on October 14, 2011


Castleton snob.
posted by The Whelk at 10:30 PM on October 14, 2011


Who am I kidding? I never went to Castleton.
posted by maryr at 10:49 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dear Hollywood ... Ferris Bueller is Tyler Durden. I await your call.

No way. Ferris Bueller is Keyser Söze.
posted by BlueDuke at 12:02 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Wasn't there a time travelling USS Nimitz that found itself in a theater of relevance?
posted by the noob at 12:36 AM on October 15, 2011


2000AD had this back in the 1970s, but it was a British Army unit from, when else, World War 2.

More recently there's Sengoku Jieitai 1549, although the whole alternate timeline element seems to factor in more to that one.
posted by Hoopo at 12:59 AM on October 15, 2011


Oh my God this is awesome. I would actually watch such a movie in a theater -- with my son, the Marine, inshallah. The last American movie we both loved was High School Musical 3, but this would have to be even better.
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 12:59 AM on October 15, 2011


The only problem I have with the movie description in Variety is that foofarah about setting history back on track and going home. The original thread was about taking over the joint and living like emperors! You can't cross the Tiber twice, man.
posted by Kevin Street at 2:18 AM on October 15, 2011 [4 favorites]


Wasn't there a time travelling USS Nimitz that found itself in a theater of relevance?

Yup. The Philadelphia Experiment.
posted by likeso at 4:00 AM on October 15, 2011


The time travelling USS Nimitz is in The Final Countdown I linked above, here is the trailer. USS Nimitz gets dropped into WW2 just before the attack on Pearl Harbor.
posted by knapah at 4:09 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


I once heard a pitch " What if cavemen had automatic weapons?" and it was fairly entertaining

Isn't this Zardoz?
posted by nathancaswell at 5:04 AM on October 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


Huh. Guess I've been conflating two films all this time.
posted by likeso at 5:18 AM on October 15, 2011


One thing noted in the announcement thread on Reddit -- was the whole thing, starting from the original question, a setup? Is it all just a publicity thing?
posted by inigo2 at 6:00 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Why do publicity so far in advance? No point. Making a deal isn't the same as making a movie.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:06 AM on October 15, 2011


Time Slip
posted by cazoo at 9:49 AM on October 15, 2011


I saw the thread at Reddit before it got over here. It was internet interesting to me, but I guess I didn't think it was worth making a movie out of. But that seems about right. I'd rather have that "how many 5-year-olds can you take in a fight?" concept made into a movie than this.
posted by cashman at 9:38 PM on October 14 [3 favorites +] [!]


MNE (Major Non-Event).
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:45 PM on October 14 [1 favorite +] [!]



This sort of reddit-related sneering is tiresome. Not to mention revealing.
posted by Decani at 10:17 AM on October 15, 2011 [7 favorites]


What Hollywood needs to do is combine the Roman legions and US Marines, throw in some Aliens and make a Warhammer 40k movie already.
posted by Dr Dracator at 10:23 AM on October 15, 2011


This sort of reddit-related sneering is tiresome. Not to mention revealing.

Just looks like typical metafilter snark to me. Nothing particularly anti-reddit about it.
posted by knapah at 10:38 AM on October 15, 2011


This sort of reddit-related sneering is tiresome. Not to mention revealing.

Which did you find more anti-Reddit: The cited comment implying regular readership of the site, or the one that didn't mention the site at all?
posted by Sys Rq at 10:48 AM on October 15, 2011


was the whole thing, starting from the original question, a setup? Is it all just a publicity thing?

Wow, if it is I'm even more impressed. That's really clever.
posted by nathancaswell at 11:29 AM on October 15, 2011


MNE (Major Non-Event).
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:45 PM on October 14 [1 favorite +] [!]


This sort of reddit-related sneering is tiresome. Not to mention revealing.
posted by Decani at 1:17 PM on October 15 [+] [!]


Not sure what that means, but I have never been on Reddit once in my entire life. I just think making a movie out of a Reddit thread is a MNE and certainly not worthy of making a Metatalk post about.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:14 PM on October 15, 2011


Yeah, wait a minute, why doesn't Sonic sell screwdrivers?
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:07 PM on October 15, 2011


I mean like the beverage. In a collectible Dr. Who themed plastic cup. Fucking liquor laws, ruining all my fun.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:07 PM on October 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


It's not really a huge deal if there's a metatalk post you think isn't worthy of being a metatalk post, is there? It's somewhat related to a metafilter thread, and it's either interesting or not but certainly eminently ignorable if you don't care.
posted by J. Wilson at 1:39 PM on October 15, 2011


FACT: It is my ambition in life to favorite every reference to Zardoz.

And to think of better ambitions.
posted by byanyothername at 3:01 PM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ironically, "think of better ambitions" is a fantastic ambition. Looks like you've already succeeded.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:57 PM on October 15, 2011


Stagger Lee wrote: I was confused at the time about why we were having a conversation about reddit having a conversation.

MetaFilter.
posted by wierdo at 7:32 PM on October 15, 2011


This Halloween, why not go to that party dressed as Sean Connery as Zardoz?
posted by longsleeves at 9:42 PM on October 15, 2011


Ass-Jittering Cattle: Electric Boogaloo

Un film de Todd Lokken
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 11:48 PM on October 15, 2011


I came in here not sure if I wanted to make fun of Reddit or Hollywood more.

I now leave once again, still uncertain.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 11:57 PM on October 15, 2011


THAT WAS VERY REVEALING.
posted by fleacircus at 1:57 AM on October 16, 2011


Between sobs, Harry Turtledove frantically writes an alternate history where he got the movies deal.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:04 AM on October 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


We have always been at war with ancient Rome.
posted by drezdn at 5:31 AM on October 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


We have always been at war with ancient Rome.

VALIS: The Movie, coming to a pink-violet light beamed directly into your skull from orbit near you.
posted by ennui.bz at 5:49 AM on October 16, 2011 [3 favorites]


I can't believe I missed this the first time around. Obviously, the marines would have to do very little fighting. Look at what Lewis & Clark accomplished with a mere air rifle, which really couldn't do any damage but with a little theater managed to convince a low-tech force otherwise.

The real question, will the marines go crazy in the foreign land and the massive wealth they'd surely gain? If it were me, I'd totally make it Aguirre, the Wrath of God set in ancient Rome ending with Alexander Skarsgård skulking around a far flung Roman port, completely mad from power and corruption of ancient Rome.

(In reality the movie will probably focus around a Pocahontas/Smith love story, with a few, but not enough, cool battle scenes and then probably swerve in a completely weird direction that has little to do with Marines or Rome, like a plot revolving around how the time portal was caused by aliens and you're just in your seat screaming, "God we don't care about how they got there, just go with it.")
posted by geoff. at 10:06 AM on October 16, 2011


the movie will probably focus around a Pocahontas/Smith love story

Of course it will, but you're missing out on so much. The movie will start out with our main character, a marine, who is first shown to be uncultured. But is also shown to be one or more of these: smart, thoughtful, resourceful, or caring. Throughout the movie we are able to imply all of these and possibly more, such as loving, but he starts out as just a guy who wants to get out of this thing alive on the other side. We also get to see some of the other soldiers and be able to ambiguously imply that they are all a bunch of sneering gruff and stupid soldiers. Perhaps we'll even get the newbie meek soldier to make that dichotomy even larger. While the Marines are planning getting back to their own time, their they find out they need large amounts of gold to make their whatchamacallit-time-thing work. So when it comes down to it they come up with the idea that stealing the treasures of Rome is the way to go. Meanwhile, our character will run into some trouble. Perhaps our character will end up as a spectacle in the coliseum fighting gladiators but do fairly well using some of that good ol' 'Merican ingenuity. Alas, he is about to be killed by the animal or dangerous native, but fear not! He will be saved by a young "princess". Blahblahblah plenty of scenes with our main character and the "princess", as the new guide, enjoying the beauty and wildness of Rome. Blahblahblah he goes native. Marines invade Rome. Romans are crafty but are losing. Blahtyblah our character manages to saves the day using the watchamacallit to reverse the time distortion, but depending on which way the test audiences swing he will possibly have to either sacrifice his love or the future in doing so.

You can MeMail me the check Hollywood.
posted by P.o.B. at 12:15 PM on October 16, 2011


"High-concept" - Seriously?
posted by odinsdream at 2:52 PM on October 16, 2011


Of course there'll be the inevitable sequel where the Roman soldiers will need to be brought to the future to correct some anomaly that went undetected at the conclusion of the first movie, but which threatens the very existence of the time-space continuum if not corrected within 24 hours. Plus the obligatory cross-millenia love triangle, of course.
posted by dg at 3:29 PM on October 16, 2011


"High-concept" - Seriously?

It depends. The Reddit story features a suicide and seems to indicate a direction in existential angst of knowing you will never return to see your friends and family, forced to live out the rest of your life devoid of even the most basic modern comforts. Even a victory is a Pyrrhic one, your civilization will last only until your supplies run out. What a perfect metaphor for our current wars!

Of course it could go the route of hunky marine, played by Chris Evans, pissed off at the world he left behind falling in love with the outcast Gallic slave, Jessica Biel, the only one who can trust these futuristic marines. After a brief romance they slip out of Camp Freedom to make sweet, sweet love, which will surely have him making a couple of modern day jokes that Gallic slave girl will inexplicably laugh at. The next morning he's captured by Roman guards and brought back to the emperor (Willem Dafoe), who questions him and doesn't believe the answers he's given, even though our hunky hero is telling the truth! Rather than doing the logical thing and trying to make an ally, he decides to make Chris Evans into a gladiator and put him against the best opponents to show the people of Rome not to be afraid (hat tip, PoB). He fights, he's clearly outmatched and during the entire time Jessica Biel is at Willem Dafoe's side. While you're sitting at the scream trying to figure out why the marines just don't take a couple of Apaches and launch a rescue mission, we notice a few of his marine buddies in disguise in the audience. At the pivotal time in the action, right before the emperor does the thumbs down, they throw off their robes to show their M16s and SAWS and start opening fire while the rest of the cavalry comes swooping in.

Give another 15 minutes of cleanup time, and then the time portal is back and he's telling Jessica Biel to not follow him, that it is not her time, etc. and we are sort of lead to believe she won't, but the next scene has them walking through New York and they talk about their experiences and she does some sort of ditzy modern thing like proclaim she wants an iPhone 4GS, claiming it is "better than running water," and people in the audience all laugh and you're like, "That's seriously not funny! Argh! The reddit version had a suicide!"
posted by geoff. at 5:25 PM on October 16, 2011


I want a time-travelling Rambo / Rome crossover, so he can win wars we should have won even though we weren't there.

"Quid hoc est?"
"It's blue light."
posted by obiwanwasabi at 5:57 PM on October 16, 2011


Interview with James Erwin
posted by Ad hominem at 7:59 AM on October 17, 2011


"High-concept" - Seriously?

"High concept' just means that you can say what it's about in one sentence.

US marines travel back in time and conquer Roman Empire is as "high concept" as it gets.
posted by empath at 8:05 AM on October 17, 2011


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