THINK SAFETY December 30, 2011 12:45 PM   Subscribe

It has been 10 days since the last banning. In the words of Jessamyn, "None of us have ever seen the number go this high."
posted by subbes to MetaFilter-Related at 12:45 PM (226 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

(I think this is a Good Thing.)
posted by subbes at 12:45 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I had no idea they were that frequent. Is it mostly spammers? I almost never notice them. Go mods!
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 12:47 PM on December 30, 2011


I lke bannings. I hate flameouts. Feeling very torn here.
posted by bearwife at 12:48 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


We should have a shirley jackson style lottery now, just to appease the gods.
posted by empath at 12:49 PM on December 30, 2011 [21 favorites]


I lke bannings. I hate flameouts. Feeling very torn here.

What? This is like saying you like executions, but you hate seeing people mauled by lions. Without the entertainment, what's the point?
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:49 PM on December 30, 2011 [32 favorites]


We should have a shirley jackson style lottery now, just to appease the gods.

May the odds be ever in your favor.
posted by jessamyn[staff] at 12:52 PM on December 30 [+] [!]
posted by Think_Long at 12:50 PM on December 30, 2011 [15 favorites]


The spammers spent the holidays sipping margaritas by the pool.
posted by desjardins at 12:52 PM on December 30, 2011


Does jessamyn have pink hair, now?
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:58 PM on December 30, 2011


I wanna look up those flagged posts!
posted by charred husk at 12:58 PM on December 30, 2011


Hey pb, can we get that little counter in the upper-right corner on MetaTalk?
posted by introp at 12:59 PM on December 30, 2011 [6 favorites]


I have long suspected that most of the bad behavior on the internet is the work of ONE MAN, and now we learn it is true, and his name is Paul Christoforo (although I still suspect that's another one of Scott Adams' pseudonyms).
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:00 PM on December 30, 2011 [4 favorites]


What? No! Have you been reading Wool or something?
posted by DarlingBri at 1:01 PM on December 30, 2011


WHAT did you just say 'bout my mama?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:01 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Pink hair? No. And this number includes anyone that has closed their account for any reason, not just people banned by us. Sometimes that's Brand New Day stuff, sometimes that's people closing down sock puppets, sometimes that's someone closing an old account they never use. Usually there are a few a week, maybe a person who quits in a huff and comes back a bit later. And usually it stays in the 2-3 day range. I don't think I've seen ti go over a week before and definitely not double digits.

And no, we won't be making this public-facing--it would start up too much "Who left? Who got banned" scrutiny--but you can always ask us.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:01 PM on December 30, 2011


but you can always ask us.

Fair enough. Can you give us a list of everyone who was banned and for what reason in 2011?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:03 PM on December 30, 2011 [11 favorites]


And usually it stays in the 2-3 day range. I don't think I've seen ti go over a week before and definitely not double digits.

Curious, do ya'll have any guesses as to why no accounts have been closed for so long?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:03 PM on December 30, 2011


I like how Penny Arcade handles bannings. There are strange and undecipherable reasons listed in a big thread by the mods. Stuff like "Felt the Christmas spirit too greedily, too deep." or "Didn't feel the Christmas spirit greedily enough." or "Dissed the greatest early 90s R&B act in the universe and will now be spending eternity in time out."
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:06 PM on December 30, 2011


'Tis the season
posted by 2bucksplus at 1:07 PM on December 30, 2011


I would publicly gawk at the MeFi Gallows. Jessamyn could read the list of crimes while Cortex says a prayer over the condemned before Matt pulls a big lever.

And once in a while I'd ride in on my horse at the last minute and shoot the noose with my side arm and bravely ride off with Scott Adams, free to outlaw snark another day.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:10 PM on December 30, 2011 [14 favorites]


Can you give us a list of everyone who was banned and for what reason in 2011?

Not easily, no. We'd have to do it by hand or make some new infodump queries. This gets further complicated by the fact that this information isn't really available on the site in fixed who/why/when form and we're sort of not real excited about doing that, both because we don't want to have to go into discussing each individual account closure with everyone (people are allowed to have private reasons for closing accounts and bringing that stuff up in MeTa usually sucks), but also because some people close accounts for "being stalked, need new identity" reasons and putting a time/date on that is something we don't want to do.

So, as I said, feel free to email if you have specific things you want to know about a specific account closure or what the "how long since a bannin'" ticker is at, but this wasn't a dog whistle for discussing every account closure on the site out loud in MeTa.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:12 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Suppose if they came out in favor of SOPA we could have a lot of accounts closed.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:13 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I like how Penny Arcade handles bannings. There are strange and undecipherable reasons listed in a big thread by the mods. Stuff like "Felt the Christmas spirit too greedily, too deep." or "Didn't feel the Christmas spirit greedily enough." or "Dissed the greatest early 90s R&B act in the universe and will now be spending eternity in time out."

Something Awful does (or at least did) something similar where there's a page with all of the punishments that have been handed out, links to the offending material, and an explanation that's either legit or complicated nonsense. It's a treasure trove of rubber-necking.
posted by Copronymus at 1:15 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


that old comment with two flags is this? weird.
posted by the young rope-rider at 1:19 PM on December 30, 2011


Curious, do ya'll have any guesses as to why no accounts have been closed for so long?

Holiday lull, maybe, but probably just chance for the most part. Every random distribution has local maxima, this is one, and the streak will likely end soon.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:22 PM on December 30, 2011


I like how it was flagged as both fantastic and noise. Everyone's a critic I guess.
posted by zachlipton at 1:23 PM on December 30, 2011


Alright someone volunteer to lose thier shit and get banned just so we can get back to Somme sense of normalcy.
posted by The Whelk at 1:26 PM on December 30, 2011


My bet's on this account which already had a bunch of similar useless comments deleted the other day.
posted by gman at 1:27 PM on December 30, 2011 [3 favorites]


no bannings is boring. "poop". there, have at it.
posted by facetious at 1:28 PM on December 30, 2011


mmmm, difficult to think
posted by the young rope-rider at 1:29 PM on December 30, 2011 [5 favorites]


I have a loud and unpopular opinion that I am expressing rudely and with much vulgarity and personal attacks!
posted by The Whelk at 1:32 PM on December 30, 2011 [5 favorites]


Somme sense of normalcy

That would mean a lot of bannings.
posted by gubo at 1:33 PM on December 30, 2011 [5 favorites]


Alright someone volunteer to lose thier shit and get banned just so we can get back to Somme sense of normalcy.

Somme sense of normalcy is really way too many bannings.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:33 PM on December 30, 2011


whoa
posted by gubo at 1:34 PM on December 30, 2011


I wonder who sirhc is?
posted by the man of twists and turns at 1:34 PM on December 30, 2011


I have a loud and unpopular opinion that I am expressing rudely and with much vulgarity and personal attacks!

It's Friday again?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:36 PM on December 30, 2011


Gotta get banned on friday
posted by The Whelk at 1:39 PM on December 30, 2011 [12 favorites]


stop trying to make "fetch" happen
posted by subbes at 1:40 PM on December 30, 2011 [3 favorites]


Did you just write a day of the week in lowercase?! DID YOU?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:41 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Sounds like you can't handle how real I am
posted by The Whelk at 1:43 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


our kid does a bunch of weed and can't get out of the bathroom and I'm like DAMMIT I MADE ALL THESE POTATOES

a weird dad with a Cliff Huxtable sweater and a bunch of ruined potatoes

All sliding handcuffs under the bathroom door and saying DO THE RIGHT THING
posted by subbes at 1:43 PM on December 30, 2011 [6 favorites]


I like bannings. I hate flameouts. Feeling very torn here.

What? This is like saying you like executions, but you hate seeing people mauled by lions. Without the entertainment, what's the point?


Elaborates: I like bannings because obnoxious people who self link or spam or otherwise mess up the site are usually the ones banned. I hate flameouts because we usually lose people I like a lot, and who don't return.

And one of my least favorite things about MetaFilter is the happy cheering from some members of the crowd when there are flameouts.
posted by bearwife at 1:43 PM on December 30, 2011 [7 favorites]


.

That's not a moment of silence, but an actual period for people here to start using.
posted by gman at 1:45 PM on December 30, 2011 [26 favorites]


Can you give us a list of everyone who was banned and for what reason in 2011?
Not easily, no.


For the record, I was attempting to be humorous via making a ridiculous request. I gotta work on that.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:47 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Could I ask that you do so by transferring your intelligence into a supercomputer that has been programmed specifically to use absurdity as a mechanism for comedy? It's what I have done.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 1:49 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


If you can't find your cat you should just get another one, keep thm in thier room using string and Velcro simplify your life
posted by The Whelk at 1:49 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


"That's not a moment of silence, but an actual period for people here to start using."

my roast beef impersonations are never Appreciated

(STORMS OUT, SLAMS DOOR.)
posted by subbes at 1:52 PM on December 30, 2011


How can people like achewood everyone over the age of like ten knows cats can't talk
posted by The Whelk at 1:53 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


And one of my least favorite things about MetaFilter is the happy cheering from some members of the crowd when there are flameouts.

In my defense, I love a good flameout, but I keep my cheering for offline. Of course, there are three MeFites living in my house, so every night is sort of like a badly attended meetup where it's okay to complain about how much you hate people on the site.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:54 PM on December 30, 2011 [5 favorites]


CAT TOWN WAS MY GATEWAY DRUG

DEEDLE DOOT DOO DEE DEE
posted by subbes at 1:55 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


So like Minnesota meetups.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 1:56 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


That's so Minnesota
posted by The Whelk at 1:57 PM on December 30, 2011


I lke bannings. I hate flameouts.
posted by bearwife at 8:48 PM on December 30


I'm the opposite. Flameouts are huge fun. I find it hilarious to see someone losing their shit and flouncing and I always read those threads with much laughter and glee. Bannings, however, are just sinister.
posted by Decani at 1:58 PM on December 30, 2011


Alright someone volunteer to lose thier shit and get banned just so we can get back to Somme sense of normalcy.

Oh pick me! Me!

*waves hand wildly from back of teh room*
posted by infini at 1:58 PM on December 30, 2011


You're going over the wall!
posted by The Whelk at 2:00 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Enough about the bannings. I want to know what comment was flagged both 'fantastic comment' and also 'noise.'

I guess maybe the infodump will tell me what comment 3815526 is, right?

Eh, probably not worth the effort. I imagine that's more common than one would think.
posted by koeselitz at 2:01 PM on December 30, 2011


So who was the last person banned? I thought it might have been that guy who blew up in that thread, but that was two weeks ago, so it couldn't have been him.
posted by daniel_charms at 2:01 PM on December 30, 2011


Time to CULL THE HERD already.
posted by LarryC at 2:02 PM on December 30, 2011


I thought you joined the herd someone get Tim over here to explain his people and thier ways.
posted by The Whelk at 2:03 PM on December 30, 2011


I also was going to make a joke about Somme but someone beat me to it.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:03 PM on December 30, 2011


I've already gone over the wall, its just my swollen middle finger knuckle on the right hand from playing too much holiday age of empires that prevents me from typing furiously MEH GRAR MEH
posted by infini at 2:03 PM on December 30, 2011


I feel superciliously patronized by users in a thread MEH
posted by infini at 2:04 PM on December 30, 2011


Your finger remains swollen for more than seven hours, please talk to your doctor.
posted by The Whelk at 2:05 PM on December 30, 2011


Not if, when.
posted by The Whelk at 2:05 PM on December 30, 2011


I almost feel the onus is on me to get myself banned or to depart the site in a huff, like a sacrificial lamb.
posted by orange swan at 2:05 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Oh. Then I'd better try to find one once its morning here, i've been nursing it for a couple of days now
posted by infini at 2:06 PM on December 30, 2011


BANNINGS FOR THE BAN GOD
posted by The Whelk at 2:06 PM on December 30, 2011 [3 favorites]


You can borrow my chainsaw if you promise not to bleed on it too much.
posted by daniel_charms at 2:07 PM on December 30, 2011


He's only gonna tell me to lay off the mouse. MEH
posted by infini at 2:07 PM on December 30, 2011


Metatalk will never give you what you need.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:07 PM on December 30, 2011


orange swan, I've already volunteered my services as lamb
posted by infini at 2:08 PM on December 30, 2011


False. It is all I need.
posted by The Whelk at 2:08 PM on December 30, 2011


Its got what everyone needs.
posted by infini at 2:09 PM on December 30, 2011


Counterfeit.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:09 PM on December 30, 2011


MetaTalk took my baby away.
posted by daniel_charms at 2:10 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


You weren't going to finish that baby and you know it.
posted by The Whelk at 2:11 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Yes I was.
posted by daniel_charms at 2:13 PM on December 30, 2011


You filled up on bread and whelshmen before the first course, I saved you from embarrassment
posted by The Whelk at 2:16 PM on December 30, 2011


Enough about the bannings. I want to know what comment was flagged both 'fantastic comment' and also 'noise.'

I linked it already
posted by the young rope-rider at 2:20 PM on December 30, 2011


I like apples
posted by killdevil at 2:24 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I like dogs.
posted by futz at 2:26 PM on December 30, 2011


Burn him!
posted by daniel_charms at 2:26 PM on December 30, 2011


Boil him! Roast him! Stick him in a stew!
posted by The Whelk at 2:29 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Burn both of them.
posted by daniel_charms at 2:29 PM on December 30, 2011


And your little dog too.
posted by daniel_charms at 2:30 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


MetaTalk, illustrated
posted by killdevil at 2:31 PM on December 30, 2011 [20 favorites]


The shoes protected Dorothy but not ToTo, Witchy's should've just roasted the dog on the spot to prove she wasn't fucking around.
posted by The Whelk at 2:31 PM on December 30, 2011


You can take a nap now.

Please?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:35 PM on December 30, 2011


FIVE MORE AEONS.
posted by daniel_charms at 2:36 PM on December 30, 2011


Hello, yes this is dog.
posted by futz at 2:39 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]




For the record, I was attempting to be humorous via making a ridiculous request.

I got it! I got it!
posted by cjorgensen at 2:47 PM on December 30, 2011


Could I ask that you [transfer] your intelligence into a supercomputer that has been programmed specifically to use absurdity as a mechanism for comedy? It's what I have done.

The singularity is not what it used to be.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:48 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Lesson learned from this thread: you can't have your baby and eat it too.
posted by daniel_charms at 2:48 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Cool cat
posted by The Whelk at 2:48 PM on December 30, 2011


Not without mint sause at least.
posted by The Whelk at 2:51 PM on December 30, 2011


How is babby formed
posted by killdevil at 2:51 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Babies
posted by daniel_charms at 2:52 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Edit Mall?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 2:56 PM on December 30, 2011


Reminds me of a sign I saw on a construction site's trailer. It said something like; "73 day without an accident.". I mentioned it to one of the crew, and he said; "Oh, that just means INSIDE the trailer."
posted by R. Mutt at 2:57 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


This crested black macaque took his own picture.
posted by futz at 2:59 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]




Bower Bird builds courting nest. Will the ladies dig his color scheme?
posted by futz at 3:28 PM on December 30, 2011


I'm waiting for a bower bird to build a nest entirely out of discarded pornography.
posted by The Whelk at 3:47 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I've been banned so many times it don't even hurt no more.
posted by planet at 3:49 PM on December 30, 2011


I got 99 problems but a ban ain't one.
posted by The Whelk at 3:53 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


All of you people are drunk.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:03 PM on December 30, 2011 [4 favorites]


Drunk on life.

And cucumber flavored vodka.
posted by The Whelk at 4:04 PM on December 30, 2011


I spend a lot of time viewing pornography, but I never thought to build a nest of it.
posted by planet at 4:24 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dammit, I wish I were drunk.
posted by FunkyHelix at 4:27 PM on December 30, 2011


Someone, quick! Sign up Horse_ebooks to MeFi!
posted by Mister Fabulous at 4:34 PM on December 30, 2011


WHAT YOUR TWITTER HASHTAGS REVEAL ABOUT YOUR HIDDEN PERSONALITY SMALL ONE TIME FEE CLICK NOW
posted by The Whelk at 4:39 PM on December 30, 2011


TEN DAYS SINCE A FANNING
posted by mintcake! at 4:40 PM on December 30, 2011


TEN DAYS SINCE SPAMMING? NOT IF THESE HOT LOCAL SINGLES READY TO CHAT NOWHAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.
posted by The Whelk at 4:45 PM on December 30, 2011


10 Days without a Manning
posted by jenkinsEar at 4:46 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


All of you people are drunk.

Not yet... damn it, but give me some time I've a half bottle of good Glenlivet around here somewhere.
posted by edgeways at 4:46 PM on December 30, 2011


I'm not wearing any pants.

(That's the American version of pants, not the British. And I'm wearing a skirt, so big whoop.)
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:48 PM on December 30, 2011


"All of you people are drunk."

Oh! Now that's a plan. Someone hand me the Gin.
posted by subbes at 4:49 PM on December 30, 2011


Maybe the counter is broken?
posted by Effigy2000 at 4:54 PM on December 30, 2011


Everyone in my building decided to get a yappy dog for Christmas, so I fear there will never again be any days without yammering at my house.
posted by winna at 4:54 PM on December 30, 2011


Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 2011 last work day before New Years MetaTalk boredom list:

5 zarq
6 subbes
10 daniel_charms
10 infini
13 Brandon Blatcher
13 Tell Me No Lies
26 The Whelk

I'm guessing I should add about 100 points to my own score for compiling the list.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:56 PM on December 30, 2011


Of the bannings that you guys do, roughly what percentage are spammers who've been on for however long you have to be before you can put up a blatantly spammy FPP, and then do so?

How often is said spam cryptic enough that it takes a moment before you say, "Hey, wait a minute!" or is it all pretty blatant?
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 4:58 PM on December 30, 2011


Most bannings are for comment spam in askme; seven days and threeish comment FPP spam is probably the second most common.

It's mostly pretty blatant. I'd say we have easily 90% of spammers pegged on or before the occasion of their first comment, spammy or not.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:01 PM on December 30, 2011


>MetaTalk took my baby away.

DINGOES METAFILTER ATE MY BABY!
posted by rmd1023 at 5:06 PM on December 30, 2011


oh man, I have a recipe and everything.

I'm down for gin.


As much as I enjoy reading old MeTas about bannings and flameouts, I don't know how I'd feel about seeing one happen in real time. Seems more ghoulish.

/ actually, wait. this one was delicious. A short, sharp shock.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 5:17 PM on December 30, 2011


The Lon Mem one was pretty tasty too.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:25 PM on December 30, 2011


Awww, who's a smiling buddha? You are! Yes you are! Such a buddha!
posted by deborah at 5:30 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


73 day without an accident (near this sign)
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 5:39 PM on December 30, 2011


> actually, wait. this one was delicious. A short, sharp shock.

The favorite count on cortex's last comment there stalled out before hitting 300. I think that should be rectified before midnight Sunday.
posted by Burhanistan at 5:40 PM on December 30, 2011


Edit Mall?

I added the entries to the MeFi Mall more or less by hand. Not super tough, but still something I did pretty frequently last month.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:01 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ten Days Since A Channing.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 6:09 PM on December 30, 2011


Ah okay, thanks Jess for a clear answer to my hopelessly bisyllabic question! I'm sorry, it's late.

I was half hoping it was a virtual mall where you could edit people's comments, with little shops for each subsite. You know, Abercrombie & FTFY, Urban Spellcheckers, something like that.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 6:23 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I trust all bannings are accompanied by the following speech:
In the name of Mathowie, King of the Internets and of the first Mefites, Lord of the Mods and Protector of the Realm, by the word of Jessamyn of the House West and Warden of the East, I do sentence you to banishment.
posted by Dr. Zira at 6:23 PM on December 30, 2011 [4 favorites]


Everyone in my building decided to get a yappy dog for Christmas

OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY WHAT IS UP WITH THIS. My already fucking ghastly upstairs neighbor, STOMPASAURUS REX, appears to have got not one but TWO extremely excitable dogs that not only bark savagely at every single noise from sneezes out on the street to doorbells on another floor, but also gallop around with wild giddy glee while doing so. So now instead of just sounding like I live below a bowling alley, it's a bowling alley populated entirely by drunk angry bears.

I want to hug all puppies and these dogs are no exception but MY GOD I am about 10 short seconds away from telling Stompy to stop her goddamn 2am stomppacing lest I drag her screaming down to the basement and feed her her own kidneys very slowly indeed. Sleep deprivation is no one's friend.

Actually it would be nice if someone sane could write me a "this is how normal sane humans handle confrontation" script to sort this out and oh hay I think I just found my next askme.
posted by elizardbits at 6:57 PM on December 30, 2011 [7 favorites]


elizardbits, if your tormentor turns up with a belly full of her own kidneys, it's not going to take long before people put two and two together and start asking you tough questions.

it's interesting, though, how i have my own stompasaurus rex, who you have no doubt never met. and i'm sure i've never met yours.

strange world, huh? maybe we should have a quick chat sometime where we can't be overheard, like on a noisy train or something.
posted by planet at 7:08 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


You are a better person than me. Living in this kennel/frat house atmosphere has made me hate puppies, everyone under the age of forty-five, and all music with bass. At least I live on the top floor and thus am stompasaurus rex myself. I've taken to randomly hopping with great vigor at odd intervals to balance out having to listen to their dogs have the vapors for hours at a stretch.

The worst part is the vermin apparently all put their poor puppies in the bathroom to keep them out of the way and so the dogs can all hear each other from all the different apartments. I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I call it a kennel.

Perhaps once the official drunken fool holiday is over this week they will all stop rocking out to the jams so loudly at least, though the puppies will remain.
posted by winna at 7:09 PM on December 30, 2011


In order to avoid being killed via strangers on a train I should state that until the people who love wubwubwub music and the dogs moved in, I tiptoed around and never wore shoes inside to avoid stomping. I consider my current stompyness to be the just reward for their own indifference to communal living.
posted by winna at 7:12 PM on December 30, 2011


I'm winning!
posted by The Whelk at 7:31 PM on December 30, 2011


I would publicly gawk at the MeFi Gallows. Jessamyn could read the list of crimes while Cortex says a prayer over the condemned before Matt pulls a big lever.

That doesn't seem like the right breakdown in responsibilities to me. The big man is not usually the actual executioner.

Matt should sit on a throne at the back of the chamber, observing and providing legitimacy to the proceedings,
Jess should read out the crime,
at matthowie's nod, cortex should pull the lever,
pb should update the db and click the little "days since a bannin'" reset button.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:55 PM on December 30, 2011


It's like the star chamber but the ceiling is painted with little flag and favorite symbols.
posted by The Whelk at 8:15 PM on December 30, 2011


The big man is always the actual executioner when he's a Stark.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:27 PM on December 30, 2011


Flags for the flag throne.
posted by adamdschneider at 8:44 PM on December 30, 2011


DRIVE ME CLOSER, I WANT TO BAN THEM WITH MY IPAD!
posted by subbes at 8:48 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


i shall now randomly yet vehemently state that ned stark is a bloody idiot.
posted by elizardbits at 9:00 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


The Earl of the Lesser AskMe, holder of Pets and Animal Questioons, Gaurdian of the beanplate and Protector of the Seven Deadly Virtues.
posted by The Whelk at 9:08 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Of course he's an idiot, he's named after a Flanders.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:12 PM on December 30, 2011


so many feeeeeelings
posted by elizardbits at 9:16 PM on December 30, 2011


Can MetaTalk count to ten?
posted by planet at 9:18 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


the whelk keeps favouriting my things and i can't work out if it's because he's drunk
posted by subbes at 9:18 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Wait, how do we all know if localroger likes to beat his wife sexually? It's only been mentioned, what, a handful of times?

THINK SAFETY.
posted by joe lisboa at 9:19 PM on December 30, 2011


word. safety-word.
posted by joe lisboa at 9:20 PM on December 30, 2011


Hey, if you want to know the answer, you'll need to marry one of the Earl of AskMe's pets first. He has many from which to choose.
posted by Dr. Zira at 9:20 PM on December 30, 2011


CACAO.
posted by Dr. Zira at 9:20 PM on December 30, 2011


It's because I really want to hit someone with an iPad from a tank, subbes.

Ideate that image it is hilarious.
posted by The Whelk at 9:22 PM on December 30, 2011


Now now the Earl of AskMe has a beautiful aviary and Pumpkin is modest, quiet, wise, and full of feather and wingspan. They only live to be about 50 anyway, think of as taking one for the team.
posted by The Whelk at 9:24 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


The Earl of the Lesser AskMe, holder of Pets and Animal Questioons....

Now there's a charity fundraiser idea - auction off MetaFilter titles of nobility, just like monarchies did to raise quick cash back in the day!

Any good cause that also allows me to be Earl of Blatantly Unsafe Seafood Questions is automatically a better cause.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 9:25 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Dagwood has created a typical Dagwood sandwich in this April 17, 2007 strip.
posted by neuromodulator at 9:27 PM on December 30, 2011


I'd pay $4.99 to be the Count of Ultrasexual Beatings.

Trouble is, the asking price is $5.
posted by planet at 9:27 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dark pumpkins, dark words.
posted by Dr. Zira at 9:28 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Why the fuck are you talking about sexual beatings?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:30 PM on December 30, 2011


I don't recall seeing the Twin Dowager Contessas of Human Relations recently ...didn't they used to live in the west tower? Before it burned down? And got filled with the pug dogs that escaped from the Earl's boat?
posted by The Whelk at 9:30 PM on December 30, 2011


In terms of seating order and precedence Ultrasexual must be placed to the left of Hypersexual but across from Sexual But Friendly.

The table is octagon shaped, of course.
posted by The Whelk at 9:32 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


She's lying low to escape the ostriches.
posted by Dr. Zira at 9:32 PM on December 30, 2011


Why the fuck are you talking about sexual beatings?

Because this is Metafilter?
posted by joe lisboa at 9:32 PM on December 30, 2011 [3 favorites]


I've been talking nonstop about sexual beatings for so long that I've forgotten why I started in the first place, to be honest.

Once a friend/lover and I took turns beating each other, first in a sexual way, then in a friendly way, then repeating. It was complex, and left scars physical and emotional.
posted by planet at 9:35 PM on December 30, 2011


Anyway I refuse to come unless I can be attended by the White Professional Background Knights. We Lund one lovely specimens from the village and it would be a shame to have them go to waste.

Let us retire to the Hurf Durf Salon for the finest of butter and drank.
posted by The Whelk at 9:36 PM on December 30, 2011


That's probably for the best as tank parking is at a premium.
posted by Dr. Zira at 9:38 PM on December 30, 2011


Yeah? I refuse to come unless...

I can't do it. Just be more careful next time, when the sexual beatings are thick in the air.
posted by planet at 9:39 PM on December 30, 2011


Sometimes I'm worried my wig is too large, and other times I think I just don't want to win enough.
posted by The Whelk at 9:41 PM on December 30, 2011


Unfair to blame a perfectly good wig for that tiny noggin, innit.
posted by planet at 9:44 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Chantilly, bring out the back supports and struts, we are winning the Brave New Years Ball hair contest so help me god
posted by The Whelk at 9:48 PM on December 30, 2011


I don't see a reason why bans can't be both concise, and have a bit of flair.

For example, when someone has finally made the comment that gets them banned, their comment can be replaced with this. I think the img tag exception can be made for such cases.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:03 PM on December 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


this thread is apparently immortal
posted by infini at 10:17 PM on December 30, 2011


The Book of Banninations, 12:31: And I saw someone fall out a window and verily, I heard His voice say: Stop posting!
posted by daniel_charms at 10:19 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


what, did you try to murder it?
posted by subbes at 10:19 PM on December 30, 2011


When a user is banned, the next user to sign up should be required to assume the account of the recently banned user. Any objectionable posts made by the old user must be replaced by appropriate posts crafted by the new user before any new posts can be made.

In this way, our perfect harmony will be preserved and an unbroken continuity of users will stand as a testament to the unyielding purity of our communal spirit.
posted by planet at 10:21 PM on December 30, 2011 [3 favorites]


I can abide that, so long as they lead with this.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:25 PM on December 30, 2011


Ban Ban, You're Dad.
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:31 PM on December 30, 2011


your mom
posted by daniel_charms at 10:36 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ten days without Manny
posted by daniel_charms at 10:40 PM on December 30, 2011


Well, User No. 102520 had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his cabin and he told me his secret. "I am not planet", he said. "My name is Ryan; I inherited the ship from the previous planet, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real planet either. His name was Cummerbund. The real User 102520 has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia."
posted by Dr. Zira at 10:49 PM on December 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


People who like Black Books may well also like Friday Night Dinner, that stars Tamsin Grieg and Mark Heap that I have been telling everyone about since I discovered it on wednesday.

Man that sounds like I'm shilling, but it really is funny. The episode with the Mercedes made me laugh until my face ached.
posted by winna at 12:03 AM on December 31, 2011 [1 favorite]


'Tis the season
posted by 2bucksplus
"Christmas is a time for giving...
and for-giving!"
–shamelessly stolen from a teaser for an upcoming episode of 90210

posted by blueberry at 12:05 AM on December 31, 2011


I'm way behind....have two kids...In the after Christmas / need to get this damn tree out of my house zone....blah blah blah. Can someone explain Mlkshk? I joined, it looks .....neat but how is it different and why will I love it (other than Mefi's are on it)? I'm all confused...
posted by pearlybob at 12:39 AM on December 31, 2011


How are banninnations distributed along the days of the week when you tally them up over time? If, say, weekends are Peak GRAR, that would've been mooted to some extent this year since Christmas fell on the weekend.
posted by Anything at 1:21 AM on December 31, 2011


I posted comments, five or six,
Hoping that the mods I'd trick,
And then my self-link I slipped in,
To be quite fair, the post was thin

Ban, ban,
I'm five bucks down,
Ban, ban,
Mathowie frowned,
Ban, ban,
And Cortex clowned,
Ban ban,
The Mefi mods shot me down...

I emailed for my money back,
Demanding that they cut me slack,
The site rules that I should have read,
Were too big for my tiny head

Ban, ban,
I'm five bucks down,
Ban, ban...
etc.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:59 AM on December 31, 2011 [2 favorites]


The Mighty Mods laughed and clicked and banned the spammers one by one
posted by The Whelk at 6:37 AM on December 31, 2011 [1 favorite]


elizardbits: "Everyone in my building decided to get a yappy dog for Christmas

OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY WHAT IS UP WITH THIS. My already fucking ghastly upstairs neighbor, STOMPASAURUS REX, appears to have got not one but TWO extremely excitable dogs that not only bark savagely at every single noise from sneezes out on the street to doorbells on another floor, but also gallop around with wild giddy glee while doing so. So now instead of just sounding like I live below a bowling alley, it's a bowling alley populated entirely by drunk angry bears.

I want to hug all puppies and these dogs are no exception but MY GOD I am about 10 short seconds away from telling Stompy to stop her goddamn 2am stomppacing lest I drag her screaming down to the basement and feed her her own kidneys very slowly indeed. Sleep deprivation is no one's friend.

Actually it would be nice if someone sane could write me a "this is how normal sane humans handle confrontation" script to sort this out and oh hay I think I just found my next askme.
"

Feed her kidneys to her dogs. All problems solved.
posted by Splunge at 9:43 AM on December 31, 2011


Edit Mall?

I think an Edit Mall would be the right way to implement comment editing on MeFi. We're worried about people mis-using an edit window feature in various ways, so how about this: You can edit your comments, but not arbitrarily.

Instead, you have to go to the Edit Mall and find the specific edit you want to make for sale there. Want to replace 'teh' with 'the'? Go to the typo store and buy that one (it's cheap). Malicious types of edits would simply not be sold in the Edit Mall at all. Problem solved!
posted by FishBike at 10:39 AM on December 31, 2011


Sometimes I'm worried my wig is too large, and other times I think I just don't want to win enough.

"I'll take 'Things I've Imagined Phil Spector Saying' for $500, Alex."
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:43 AM on December 31, 2011


Can we get those same time-constraints on the public-facing MeFi search engine? It'd be groovy to be able to search for posts within a certain date range.
posted by schmod at 12:02 PM on December 31, 2011


"People who like Black Books may well also like Friday Night Dinner, that stars Tamsin Grieg and Mark Heap that I have been telling everyone about since I discovered it on wednesday."

"Shit on it...shit on it!"
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:11 PM on December 31, 2011




Like gman pointed out, all the signs were there. What a fine way to ring out 2011.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:08 PM on December 31, 2011


As near as we can tell, that's a terrible post but not a self-link. Still looking into it.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:14 PM on December 31, 2011


Yeah, could very well just be someone who quite see how FPPs are done. I've always wanted to end a post with an emote, though, I gotta admire his bravery.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:17 PM on December 31, 2011 [1 favorite]


Reading the list of comments though makes me wonder if its a bot of some sort
posted by infini at 1:25 PM on December 31, 2011


sent here to test us
posted by infini at 1:25 PM on December 31, 2011


...from the future
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 1:34 PM on December 31, 2011


seeing as how its almost 6am on the 1st of Jan in the year 2012 over here, that's conceivable too
posted by infini at 1:37 PM on December 31, 2011


Twitter has proven to me that I cannot tell the difference between bots and teenagers.
posted by The Whelk at 1:57 PM on December 31, 2011


I'm keeping my fingers crossed that no-one has been banned yet, because I want us to hit 13 days.


CorteJessHowieOmadTaz, what's the current tally on days since a bannin'?
posted by subbes at 2:02 PM on December 31, 2011


I heard that if you self-link to the front page, you don't get immediately banned. Rather, you get a phone call, and when you answer it, a voice says, "Five days" and then hangs up.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:03 PM on December 31, 2011


Oh hey, I'm close to 50000 favorites. If I hit before midnight I'll buy everyone an imaginary invisible space pony.
posted by The Whelk at 2:12 PM on December 31, 2011


I can barely feed the ones I have already.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:14 PM on December 31, 2011 [1 favorite]


Plainative space neighing echoing through the icy emptiness of space
posted by The Whelk at 2:16 PM on December 31, 2011


The Whelk: Oh hey, I'm close to 50000 favorites. If I hit before midnight I'll buy everyone an imaginary invisible space pony.

All you gotta do is fart, dude.
posted by gman at 2:17 PM on December 31, 2011


Actually I'm editing my first draft now, I'll work the username that grants the 50kth favorite into the story.
posted by The Whelk at 2:17 PM on December 31, 2011


tsk, no free handouts remember?
posted by infini at 2:19 PM on December 31, 2011


But those are the best kind of handouts!
posted by The Whelk at 2:24 PM on December 31, 2011


Never mind someone just won.
posted by The Whelk at 2:42 PM on December 31, 2011


Happy New Year Whelkie it'll be next year when we meet here again
posted by infini at 2:43 PM on December 31, 2011


The Whelk: Never mind someone just won.

I'd never have guessed pjern to be your sockpuppet. Either way, unfortunately your "50kth" will always have an asterisk beside it.
posted by gman at 3:09 PM on December 31, 2011


Awesome I love French comics
posted by The Whelk at 3:14 PM on December 31, 2011


Whose ban that was, I think I knew
She tried to pull a Pepsi Blue
She little reckoned MeFi's skills
In going full-out Nancy Drew

He slammed his keys in full-out flounce
Complete with "You'll be sorry!" bounce
His knowledge, more than we could say
In metric fucktonnes, or by the ounce

The Gray is lovely, deep, and cool
But my wit's down to 'minuscule'
With quarts to drink before I drool
Yes, quarts to drink before I drool.


Happy 2012, y'all.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:59 PM on December 31, 2011 [3 favorites]


Happy 2012 everyone! Did we make 13 days?
posted by arcticseal at 5:08 PM on December 31, 2011


Streak has been broken by, appropriately enough, something in the flavor of a New Years Resolution "taking some time off" type of buttoning.

Happy pending or actual New Years, everybody.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:15 PM on December 31, 2011


Barabbas!
posted by biffa at 5:23 PM on December 31, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ours goes to 11, apparently.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:17 PM on December 31, 2011 [3 favorites]


No one knows who they where or what they where spamming.
posted by The Whelk at 10:29 PM on December 31, 2011


It's like, how much more banned could he be? And the answer is none. None more banned.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:44 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Never would have guessed askme comment spam to be the #1 reason. Then again, comment deletions don't have the same trail post deletions do, so the latter has that ability to go back and watch the train wreck.

I like to imagine that when someone is banned for blatant self-linking or other flagrant violations without the slightest hint of good faith, *.metafilter.com simply plays this for them until the end of time.
posted by Saydur at 12:31 AM on January 2, 2012


This seems like much more appropriate "wait just a minute / until the end of time" music, to me.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:56 AM on January 2, 2012


In the great Metatalk tradition of comments having nothing to do with anything, I just discovered from Wikipedia that 'wedgie' is not just a word invented out of nowhere to fill a purpose, but, now quite obviously, relates to garment being wedged between the buttocks.

I ascribe my previous ignorance to my having learned the word (and the practice even before that) before I otherwise had any broad English vocabulary to speak of.
posted by Anything at 5:16 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


Don't ban, just push them into a shark tank.
posted by Qubits_Toy at 9:45 PM on January 2, 2012


Sharks are expensive to take care of and have sensitive stomachs.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:51 PM on January 2, 2012


Hey, spammers are nice people. I'm told they make excellent chums.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:18 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


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