"Well, I expressed them!" May 22, 2012 8:40 AM   Subscribe

Hat tip to MonsierBon, I think this might be the most disgusting Ask.Mefi ever. Is it?

Though, to be fair, what drew me in was the "double penis" descriptor as I initially thought he had a cat with two penises. Sadly, no.

And, really: hat tip. That cat has a most caring owner.
posted by amanda to MetaFilter-Related at 8:40 AM (140 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

I think there should be an "expressed" tag, for when an AskMe ends in successful anal gland squeezing.
posted by neroli at 8:44 AM on May 22, 2012 [24 favorites]


hmm, thanks for linking this. My cat is crazy before and after using the litter box. I wonder if it's related?
posted by rebent at 8:51 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Dude. I though it was going to be much weirder when I thought it was a question about double cat penises. Turned out to be just a double question about single cat penises.
posted by dirtdirt at 8:51 AM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


You know those cat penises that are, like, double cat penises?
posted by griphus at 8:52 AM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'm seeing a video remix with NWA's classic tune and lots of pictures of cats being expressed.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:54 AM on May 22, 2012


That page is going to get hit with the absolute choicest search terms.

"tigers having sex" +boner +farts +anus +howto
posted by Sokka shot first at 8:54 AM on May 22, 2012 [8 favorites]


Sadly no?
posted by cjorgensen at 8:55 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Don't know if it's the most disgusting, but it's definitely in the running for cutest required picture of kitteh.
posted by lalex at 8:56 AM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


I think MonsierBon likes it.
posted by mullacc at 8:57 AM on May 22, 2012


They're not even fucking tigers, they're MILFs.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:01 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


That page is going to get hit with the absolute choicest search terms.

And the weirdest askme spammers.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:01 AM on May 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


I think this might be the most disgusting Ask.Mefi ever. Is it?

There have been various AskMe questions where people have asked personal and possibly gross questions. Probably shouldn't point and laugh a them.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:08 AM on May 22, 2012 [9 favorites]


In the second cat-pic, the cat in question has serious crazy-eyes going on.

Anal gland issues can definitely make cats act weird. (Heck, I act kind of weird when my butt is unhappy, so, yeah, I can sympathize, there.) One of my female kitties just had a big anal-gland-cyst thing going on. The cat was so unhappy I honestly thought I was about to take her to be put down because of some total metabolic collapse. The vet found the (allegedly golf-ball-sized) cyst and took the cat back to the procedure area to lance it. She came back into the exam room looking like she needed a cigarette and said "THAT WAS AWESOME." Apparently, impressively messy but as soon as they did that the cat was all "OH THANK GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH." I just took her out of the CONE OF SHAME last night, and she is happily not actually worrying at what is still an open wound on her butt and just hanging out grooming her face over and over and over because she can.
posted by rmd1023 at 9:10 AM on May 22, 2012 [11 favorites]


The "cat boner farts" title also belongs in some sort of hall of fame.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:10 AM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


That question made me chuckle and recall taking our cat Sid to the vet for similarly crazy behavior. The vet immediately expressed Sid's anal glands and I swear that cat made a sound I've never heard a cat make before. It started as a yowl of surprise and wounded dignity, modulated to what I can only describe as a thoughtful hiss, and ended with the content and happy gurgling of infinite relief.

Cats arent big on gratitude. But Sid was one grateful cat that day.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:20 AM on May 22, 2012 [30 favorites]


I don't think this is what my mother meant when she said I shouldn't be afraid to express myself.....
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:23 AM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


And the weirdest askme spammers.

www.catbonerfarts.edu: what you need, when you need it
posted by en forme de poire at 9:23 AM on May 22, 2012 [15 favorites]


At least it wasn't cat taters and anal gland squeezing, that would have been disgusting squared.
posted by XMLicious at 9:34 AM on May 22, 2012


This would have been waaay worse if MonsierBon had been hit in the face when expressing! I definitely shuddered and breathed a sigh of relief that it just missed!
posted by Swisstine at 9:34 AM on May 22, 2012


Here's an update on the thread in question. If the cat dies (hard abdomen isn't a good sign), the owner isn't going to be thrilled with a MeTa post about the disgusting habits of their cat.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:35 AM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


Brandon Blatcher: "There have been various AskMe questions where people have asked personal and possibly gross questions. Probably shouldn't point and laugh a them"

Brandon Blatcher: "Here's an update on the thread in question. If the cat dies (hard abdomen isn't a good sign), the owner isn't going to be thrilled with a MeTa post about the disgusting habits of their cat."

Wow, who peed in your cheerios this morning?

And you also have no idea how thrilled or not the asker will be about this meta. It's entirely possible that, even if his lovely little cat dies (*crosses fingers and hopes this doesn't happen*), he would be happy to see that his little guy was able to bring joy and laughter into the world in his final hours.
posted by Grither at 9:45 AM on May 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


Also, I'd be somewhat surprised if a person who titled his post "cat boner farts" and labeled it a double-cat-penis question then got offended that people considered it humorous.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:47 AM on May 22, 2012 [9 favorites]


Wow, who peed in your cheerios this morning?

No one. Thought a bit of sensitivity was worth considering, so brought it up. Feel free to ignore it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:52 AM on May 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


I just came to say that the level of usefulness of metatalk comments seems to be declining.
posted by HuronBob at 9:53 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


oops, not "comments"... posts...
posted by HuronBob at 9:54 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


The picture of the two cats linked in MonsieurBon's first response is one of the best cat photos ever posted to ask.me.
posted by Greg Nog at 9:55 AM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


I put a link to this post in the other thread.
posted by zarq at 9:58 AM on May 22, 2012


"Well, I expressed them!"

It is a truth well known to all the world that a neutered cat in possession of a large boner must be in need of a buttsqueezin'.



Reader, I expressed them!

posted by zamboni at 10:00 AM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


I don't understand why this MeTa was needed. But I'll comment on it anyway!

That wasn't really gross. But I guess I have a really high gross tolerance when it comes to animals.
posted by OsoMeaty at 10:04 AM on May 22, 2012


Wow. I didn't think anything could make me laugh harder than when I had to write "...squatting/boner-fart/anus..." But these comments have done that.

And cheered me up immensely.
posted by MonsieurBon at 10:06 AM on May 22, 2012 [18 favorites]


"...so I ask the vet what this is called and then the vet says 'I call it The Aristocrats!'"
posted by mathowie (staff) at 10:07 AM on May 22, 2012 [61 favorites]


I'm glad that askme is around to make me happier about not being a pet owner or a parent. Not in a million years would I 'express an anal gland'. I wouldn't even look at a video of it.
posted by empath at 10:09 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I read that this morning and had about an hour-long facebook conversation with a friend where we both tried convincing the other to attempt to "express" our cats and I argued it would make for great performance art (she's an artist), doubling as a poignant commentary on cats and Internet culture (i.e. it leaks and it's smelly). She was saying how many ladies I would impress if I told them I personally express my cat's anal glands and I was almost sold but then she sent me this video [WARNING IT IS NOT PRETTY].
posted by onwords at 10:10 AM on May 22, 2012




Another update in the thread. Kitty has a blocked urethra, but is going to be OK. ALSO NEW PICTURE.
posted by davidjmcgee at 10:12 AM on May 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


empath: the videos of it nearly made me barf. But I was too busy dodging milky anal juice and keeping the cat's head between my knees to be too grossed out by the actual procedure.
posted by MonsieurBon at 10:12 AM on May 22, 2012


Dude.

Best. Cat. Ever.

Oh, I'm glad you aren't offended, MonsieurBon! I mean this post in love, truly, and I don't want to embarrass anyone. I was just all: Two penises? I gotta read this. Oh...humping... a sock! A shoe?! Poor turtle! Ew... glands... expressing? Videos? Argh! Ack! Missed his face?!?! Arrrrrrck!

I really hope your kitty is okay.
posted by amanda at 10:14 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


"...so I ask the vet what this is called and then the vet says 'I call it The Aristocrats!'"

(sorry, couldn't resist)
posted by en forme de poire at 10:15 AM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


the videos of it nearly made me barf.

Just the words "expressing anal glands" make me nauseous.
posted by empath at 10:17 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


If you watch the video that onwords listed, ESPECIALLY do not read the comments. They're even worse than the video. Seriously.
posted by Solomon at 10:20 AM on May 22, 2012


That cat is the best looking one I have ever seen on the site! Gorgeous! The fact that he looks like one of mine has nothing to do with it!

The grossest question was actually from the lady whose husband would not bathe or brush his teeth.
posted by jgirl at 10:21 AM on May 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


She was saying how many ladies I would impress if I told them I personally express my cat's anal glands

I've definitely heard from art school dudes that personal expression is great for pussy, thanks everyone, try the fish, please remember to tip your bartender, remember you can download my podcast it's free just search on libsyn dot com
posted by Greg Nog at 10:23 AM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


I think this post is more amusing if you owned cats and ever had to deal with the various types of things that can come out of them.

Then it's all just sympathy chuckles. Like, man.. monsieurbon I feel for you. This morning I got up out of bed and my foot landed on a pile of upchuck. She does it in complete silence.. so I had no warning. Still, Expressing beats out stepping in cat puke anyday.

He's adorable and you rock at taking photos of cats. I hope he recovers quickly!
posted by royalsong at 10:23 AM on May 22, 2012


On the other hand "cat boner farts" anagrams to "bacon tart serf," which sounds pretty damn pleasant. Just goes to show.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:23 AM on May 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


I asked a really gross question once about a guy who was squirting pus and blood out of a giant abscess in his armpit as a YouTube trick but none of the links work any more and it was really fucking disgusting so I'm not even going to bother linking here.
posted by yellowbinder at 10:29 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


"I think this post is more amusing if you owned cats and ever had to deal with the various types of things that can come out of them."

No... no. no. It's even more horrifying as a cat owner. This is some crazy shit that I hope I will never have to deal with.
posted by KogeLiz at 10:30 AM on May 22, 2012


royalsong: "I think this post is more amusing if you owned cats and ever had to deal with the various types of things that can come out of them."

Or that they choose to present to their owners as gifts. Mice, a hamster, various toys, insects (ye gods, the insects. 'Here's a live cricket or cicada or wasp. You're welcome.'), a tiny stray kitten, stuffed animals with the stuffing literally humped out of them, rats, a vicious-looking potato with bite marks all over it, half a bird....
posted by zarq at 10:36 AM on May 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


There's nothing wrong with a house cat that can't be fixed by Ray Guy.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:41 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


There's really no reason for me to share this except that I just feel like it...No, this is definitely not the grossest AskMe post that I've ever seen. There is one that will seriously haunt me forever!!!!
posted by daydreamer at 10:42 AM on May 22, 2012


So I'm just old enough to have a driver's license. Which means I'm now old enough to do chores that involve driving. This leads to my younger sister and I taking the dog to the vet's, where said "professional" spends far too much time and delivers way too much detail explaining why he needs to express poor Mindy's anal glands. The lecture ends with him telling two pubescent children the brown stain on the paper towel indicates the dog needed her anal glands expressed. I waited until we were outside to suggest an alternate explanation would be the dog doesn't wipe like she should.

And I could have skipped the visual aid entirely.
posted by yerfatma at 10:57 AM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


Penes.
posted by Eideteker at 11:00 AM on May 22, 2012


from Heaven.
posted by arcticseal at 11:04 AM on May 22, 2012 [11 favorites]


I probably should have titled it "cat-penis-double-question," or "two questions, one penis," rather than "double-cat-penis-question." There would have been fewer double-boner lookie-loos.
posted by MonsieurBon at 11:14 AM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


HuronBob: I just came to say that the level of usefulness of metatalk comments seems to be declining.

HuronBob: oops, not "comments"... posts...

You know, I think maybe you were right the first time.
posted by monkeymadness at 11:15 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


That first picture is a beauty!

And well done, we always used to get the vet to dodge the "expression".
posted by hardcode at 11:16 AM on May 22, 2012


Cool Papa Bell: "There's nothing wrong with a house cat that can't be fixed by Ray Guy."

Go bankrupt or kick him across the room?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:20 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


As the first responder to that question, I said to myself, "Self, leave the two penis thing for someone more knowledgeable than self. I only have one penis. I know about asses. I have one and I am one"
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:23 AM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


MonsieurBon, that post was hilariously written. I laughed out loud for real several times.

Kudos for expressing the gland yourself, I don't know if I'd manage it.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:30 AM on May 22, 2012


I resisted until now, but this demands it.

MetaFilter: Fewer double-boner lookie-loos.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:30 AM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


oh good, I needed another place to read about cat boners
posted by The Whelk at 11:32 AM on May 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


"cat-penis-double-question," is my favorite Yoko Ono track
posted by The Whelk at 11:37 AM on May 22, 2012 [10 favorites]


I feel like The Whelk really should be writing jokes for sit-coms.
posted by empath at 11:37 AM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


Right now I'm imagining The Whelk running/skidding onto the set of MetaTalk with hair in Kramer-esque disarray to audience hooting and applause.
posted by en forme de poire at 11:39 AM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


Yeah really, Ol' Whelkie should be employed by the mods and put on-call, where he can be summoned to defuse a tense thread by deploying one of the many one-liners in his arsenal.
posted by MattMangels at 11:49 AM on May 22, 2012


SCENE 25a: THE BEDROOM:

THE WHELK opens his laptop.

THE WHELK logs into Metafilter.

Camera close up of onscreen words: "Double Cat Penis." and "Anal Glands."

Music swells.


FADE OUT



SCENE 25b: THE KITCHEN:



THE WHELK Enters

THE WHELK slams money down on Kitchen counter. IT'S RAINING FLORENCE HENDERSON, SONIKA, NEWMAN and RUNNING ORDER SQUABBLE FEST react


THE WHELK:
"I'M OUT!"

posted by zarq at 11:51 AM on May 22, 2012 [11 favorites]


that reminds me i'm supposed to write a sitcom with griphus
posted by The Whelk at 12:01 PM on May 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


Relevant Penny Arcade.
posted by radwolf76 at 12:03 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Well, now that you've told everyone, we have to finish it and it has to be good, otherwise we'll lose the respect of the MetaFilter commuhahahahaha
posted by griphus at 12:11 PM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


noooooooooo
posted by The Whelk at 12:25 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I just want everyone to know that I resisted my urge to comment on the terrorized look in the eye of the turtle. It wasn't easy.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:30 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


To help clarify the mental images enabled by this thread, I'd just like to remind everyone that cat penises have spines. Spines. You're welcome.
posted by nicebookrack at 12:42 PM on May 22, 2012


she sent me this video [WARNING IT IS NOT PRETTY].

That...is an understatement.

WHY DID I WATCH THAT? OH GOD! I CAN TASTE IT IN THE BACK OF MY THROAT NOW!
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:45 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: the best when it comes to cat butt/juice/penis issues
posted by Rhomboid at 1:57 PM on May 22, 2012


I'm waiting for a song from flapjack.
posted by francesca too at 2:01 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


In the style of Perry Grip
posted by The Whelk at 2:06 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I enjoyed this thoroughly. Especially the part about the cat humping a pile of dirt. That image gave me a little chuckle every time it passed through my head. Which was way more than once.
posted by troublewithwolves at 4:11 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I just like imagining the careful expressionlessness of the vet's face when she asked about the cause of the unusually gritty penis.
posted by elizardbits at 4:38 PM on May 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


Music swells.

Ew! Stop, really. Yerk.
posted by amanda at 4:48 PM on May 22, 2012


I gotta say. As a groomer, this question did not phase me one bit. I don't think it's even close to being the grossest ask.me ever.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 4:48 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


amanda: " Ew! Stop, really. Yerk."

Sorry.
posted by zarq at 4:56 PM on May 22, 2012


If your music swells for more than six hours, see your doctor.
posted by The Whelk at 5:15 PM on May 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


No, not most disgusting. People earnestly urging a poster to masturbate her cat (here) wins the prize, in my opinion.
posted by Houstonian at 5:35 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I just like imagining the careful expressionlessness of the vet's face when she asked about the cause of the unusually gritty penis.

This Ain't Chinatown XXX
posted by griphus at 6:01 PM on May 22, 2012


I am so frigging happy that kitty is going to be alright. Disco.
posted by mintcake! at 6:01 PM on May 22, 2012


As a man who has squeezed his dog's butt tissues to release the foul perfume stored therein, allow me to express a conviction that, yes, this is one of the most disgusting ask.mefi questions (and tasks!) that exists
posted by sonic meat machine at 7:23 PM on May 22, 2012


I have a slowly-healing mark on the back of my hand from when Glue Devil Cat Mina landed a hit while I was clipping sticky fur from her belly.

Welcome to the Lulzy AskMeCats Club, MonsieurBon. I am pleased that you will have no similar memento, especially a memory of cat ass juice going where it should never go.

And, really, cheers on attempting the glands yourself. I've done that to a dog, after being given detailed advice by a vet. It was frightening for both of us. I never did it again.
posted by cmyk at 7:24 PM on May 22, 2012


When I saw this question on AskMe the first time, I read it as "anal sneezing," which I thought was very intriguing.
posted by carter at 7:46 PM on May 22, 2012


He is good cat, but not too much for fetch.

And I am reaaaally glad no one suggested "expressing" his, uh, "frontal" gland. Yes, that would have been more disgusting.
posted by MonsieurBon at 7:46 PM on May 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


This thread may have been grosser, maybe, and there was one about oozing butt sores that was sort of gross. I am so glad that kitty is going to be okay.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:48 PM on May 22, 2012


I actually flagged it because I thought it was a prank. (Before knowing about the holdkris prank.) *embarrassed*
posted by Listener at 8:03 PM on May 22, 2012


MonsieurBon, I know the surgery was expensive, but heads up: you can totally use that to guilt the cat afterward, as I discovered after Caliban Party Ghost had his recent mouth surgery:

"Wow, the eighteen hundred dollar cat wants to be fed, huh?"
"Oh, hold on everyone, the eighteen hundred dollar cat has something to say. Meow away, fucker"
"Hey this is cool, the eighteen hundred dollar cat wants to bite my shoelaces. Wow, you're a fucking font of cool tricks, you."
"Now that's the kind of litterbox smell I expect from an eighteen hundred dollar cat"
And so on.

(He doesn't seem to get the sarcasm yet, but we're working on it together)
posted by Greg Nog at 8:08 PM on May 22, 2012 [41 favorites]


Oh yeah he'll definitely get a new fancy-pants nickname out of this.

The vet just called to say how incredibly snuggly he is. "A real love-bug," as she put it.
posted by MonsieurBon at 8:16 PM on May 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


Oh yeah he'll definitely get a new fancy-pants nickname out of this.

Not going to go with "Squirt", probably.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:40 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


There are lots of signs for the Morris Canal around Mintcake Towers - you're welcome to "Morris C. Anal," as all the signs have been Sharpied to read.
posted by mintcake! at 8:45 PM on May 22, 2012


"Daddy was going to buy himself a nice diamond tennis bracelet and a bottle of Dom, but I guess he'll just watch you pee out of your $900 pee-hole and eat leftover cold cuts instead. OOOOhhhh no, I don't mind at all!"
posted by MonsieurBon at 8:48 PM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


I look forward to the announcement that one of MeFi's Own has invented cat guilt.
posted by gingerest at 8:52 PM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


If your music swells for more than six hours, send me the name of your dealer.
posted by hippybear at 9:19 PM on May 22, 2012


Greg you missed a golden opportunity! You could have upgraded you cat! Telescoping limbs! Biotic eyes! Newer better glands!
posted by The Whelk at 9:55 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I had never felt compared to tweet an ask.me before, but I had to share that one. I agree, superb thread. A1, would express again!
posted by Trivia Newton John at 10:23 PM on May 22, 2012


Madonna's Express Yourself is going to sound so werid to me from now on.
posted by The Whelk at 10:32 PM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


That page is going to get hit with the absolute choicest search terms.

"tigers having sex" +boner +farts +anus +howto


You know that Google's plus operator in search now refers to Google+ profiles, right?

Runs off to register profile for '+farts'
posted by zippy at 11:36 PM on May 22, 2012


I'm so happy you linked to that or I never would have found CAT MICROCHIP READING FEEDING BOX. OMG. I have a fat lard ass animal and a skinny bulimic cat and this could solve so many problems...

... except then the problem becomes, who is authorized? One of the cats could really stand to lose weight, but the other will just binge and purge all available food stuffs forever.
posted by sonika at 6:21 AM on May 23, 2012


A kitty has a problem. Kitty can haz help.

Poor little kitty.
posted by discopolo at 9:15 AM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


And you're a good owner/pet friend.
posted by discopolo at 9:17 AM on May 23, 2012


The vet "expressed" my dog during our last visit. It's kind of funny, because his English is bad, and my Greek is terrible, so we don't attempt a lot of complicated communication... so when it got to the part where he would have ordinarily said something like, "now I am just going to express your dog's anal glands -- let me explain about that," he just sort of threw me a worried look and gave up, probably tensing for a reaction of shock and/or disgust.

But I was just smiling and smiling and nodding and waving my hand, like go ahead, go right ahead. Because I already knew about anal glands and how they sometimes need to be expressed, and all that involves (because, hey, who doesn't look up "dog/cat floor scooting" on the internet in this day and age), and had long ago decided that this is abso-damn-lutely a job for the Vet, and not me.

He must think I'm such an agreeable lady.
posted by taz (staff) at 11:45 AM on May 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Our dog never scooted when they got clogged. She just stank like a scrap metal heap that grew armpits and balls.
posted by griphus at 11:50 AM on May 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


wait She had Balls?
posted by The Whelk at 11:56 AM on May 23, 2012


No, the balls are on the metaphorical scrap heap her ass smelled like.
posted by griphus at 11:57 AM on May 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


this metaphor goes too deep
posted by The Whelk at 11:59 AM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think I just accidentally 'pataphored.
posted by griphus at 12:01 PM on May 23, 2012


In other words, you just didn't express yourself properly?
posted by taz (staff) at 12:07 PM on May 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


GregNog, we sent our three cats to the veterinary neurologist's for a week once (not voluntarily, as you can imagine - all three of them decided to start having seizures at the same time*). When we got them back, having entirely depleted our wedding fund, I took to telling people that it was okay, because we were surely going to get the value of the improvements we'd put in back when we sold them.

*No, despite the $$$$, we never did find out why...best guess was something wrong with the (very expensive!) food (from Whole Foods even!) I was buying for them.
posted by jocelmeow at 2:46 PM on May 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Say, that stuffed panda looks a little nervous. I hope the kitty's feeling better. I thought of him tonight - after all, it's hump day!

How is this my life? That in between doing laundry and dishes I'm anxiously checking for updates on a wee gray kitty's bits and possible auto dealership scams?

posted by peagood at 5:35 PM on May 23, 2012


No, not most disgusting. People earnestly urging a poster to masturbate her cat (here) wins the prize, in my opinion.

How it received only two favorites is beyond me.
posted by scalefree at 6:14 PM on May 23, 2012


He's not feeling better, sadly. The vet last night sounded like things were great but this morning things were not as good. Dude isn't peeing on his own.

At least Big Kitty gets a vacation from Little Kitty. She's having a great time.
posted by MonsieurBon at 6:25 PM on May 23, 2012


Little Kitty is still at status "penis-having", though, so there is an option going forward, right? (My in-laws had a cat who had to be penectomized for a blocked urethra. He felt much better afterwards but I think just the idea of it bothered everyone else.)
posted by gingerest at 7:05 PM on May 23, 2012


I recall one of my vet teachers who kept using the term "anal sacs" instead of "anal glands" and it caused some confusion and tittering...
posted by The otter lady at 8:25 PM on May 23, 2012


The grossest question was actually from the lady whose husband would not bathe or brush his teeth.

It was worse than that, wasn't it? The bloke was walking around with his underpants full of wet shit.
posted by jack_mo at 10:10 PM on May 23, 2012


Pee, crazy cat! PEE!

Please pee, crazy cat! :-(
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 10:17 PM on May 23, 2012


I feel like they should just route that business out his butt. He'd be happier if he was more like a chicken. Just do it all in one place. But no eggs. Cat eggs never hatch right and they don't scramble too good either.
posted by MonsieurBon at 11:16 PM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Snakes have two penises. penisi. penus.

Well, I guess I don't know the plural for penis, but the dual-wielding that a snake does is called a hemipenes. The limp equivalent of a snakes penis is actually inside-out. So a male snake normally has negative 2 penises, but when in use has positive 2 penises.
posted by BurnChao at 11:19 PM on May 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


normally has negative 2 penises, but when in use has positive 2 penises

herpetological oddity, or fun new rating system? Great seller; positive 2 penises!
posted by taz (staff) at 2:21 AM on May 24, 2012 [4 favorites]


herpetological oddity, or fun new rating system?

Hey now it's not just snakes. Sharks got 'em too (two!).
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:41 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Item as described/well packaged/paid for expedited shipping but took two months; negative 1 penis
posted by likeso at 6:27 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Great seller; positive 2 penises!

...I'm going to bludgeon the orc with my +2 Penis of Protection...
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 6:47 AM on May 24, 2012


Oh god. Stay alive, The 10th Regiment of Foot!
posted by likeso at 6:50 AM on May 24, 2012


The grossest question was actually from the lady whose husband would not bathe or brush his teeth.

It was worse than that, wasn't it? The bloke was walking around with his underpants full of wet shit.


Assworms, people. A carpet full of assworms. NEVER FORGET.
posted by elizardbits at 6:52 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


My day has just started and it's already at negative two penises. This thread is currently my happy place.
posted by sonika at 7:01 AM on May 24, 2012


The whelk sits in bed, sipping coffee, contemplating the dark noonday sky...

" Assworms"

A Snowglobe drops from his hand and shatters on the ground.
posted by The Whelk at 8:12 AM on May 24, 2012 [5 favorites]


The assworms tag isn't yielding any results for me, so could one of you please link to this AskMe that I'm probably going to regret reading but I just can't not read?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:20 AM on May 24, 2012


I am NOT searching for that shit.

It would totally screw up my "suggested favorite tags" for one thing... and mefi already knows too much.
posted by amanda at 8:22 AM on May 24, 2012




So, the AskMe from the woman whose husband is walking around with his pants full of wet shit is different from this assworms one, I see. Go figure!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:34 AM on May 24, 2012


Are you thinking of stinky junk boyfriend, MStPT? Or is there a different AskMe about unwashed husband ass?
posted by gingerest at 4:35 PM on May 24, 2012


Apparently not the stinky junk boyfriend. I just saw people upthread referencing this AskMe about a husband who apparently walks around with pantloads and had a morbid curiosity to see how that panned out.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 7:18 PM on May 24, 2012


Are you thinking of stinky junk boyfriend, MStPT? Or is there a different AskMe about unwashed husband ass?

I was thinking of a different one. The boyfriend had way-beyond-skidmark levels of cack in his britches, generally smelled of poo, and the girlfriend wasn't quite sure how to politely broach the subject with him.

After much excreta-themed Googling - I dread to think what ads I'm going to see today! - I've found it.

Includes the dread phrase, Sometimes I can smell it on the couch cushions when he's not even home.
posted by jack_mo at 5:32 AM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm not clicking that shit
posted by zarq at 5:39 AM on May 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


Update regarding the cat: click here
posted by Greg Nog at 3:37 PM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


My cat needed a PU surgery after multiple blockages.

When talking to a friend about crazy things we have spent a lot of money on I happened to offhandedly remark that my winner was far and away was "Sebastion's twelve hundred dollar fake vagina". Deeply puzzled looks ensued.
posted by troublewithwolves at 8:26 PM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Includes the dread phrase, Sometimes I can smell it on the couch cushions when he's not even home.

And the dread response, "I'll work on it". Like it's building a matchstick Golden Gate bridge or something.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:53 PM on May 25, 2012 [8 favorites]


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