RPG true stories August 30, 2012 11:01 AM   Subscribe

Looking for an old Metafilter post about true story Dungeons & Dragons and other RPG experiences? It was a tumblr link but there were stories in the MeFi thread too? Thanks!
posted by Bwithh to MetaFilter-Related at 11:01 AM (28 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

Was it Fake War Stories?
posted by griphus at 11:03 AM on August 30, 2012 [3 favorites]


Yes thanks!!! Thats the one
posted by Bwithh at 11:12 AM on August 30, 2012


Fuck it. Fireball.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:17 AM on August 30, 2012


Glad to help. I assume XP comes at the end of the session?
posted by griphus at 11:17 AM on August 30, 2012 [3 favorites]


Oh, and you might be interested in this as well.
posted by griphus at 11:18 AM on August 30, 2012 [1 favorite]


How I wish I had not missed that thread! Ohhhh, the FWS I have never shared but suddenly want to very badly!

Well, I guess I can submit to the Tumblr, but...just not the same.
posted by batmonkey at 11:49 AM on August 30, 2012


I spent a day last week or so reading an older D&D/rpg thread. I guess I'll have to do it again. Thanks!
posted by safetyfork at 12:21 PM on August 30, 2012




Did you see the one where a game broke out midthread?
posted by griphus at 12:32 PM on August 30, 2012


I used to feel like D&D stories are like when a person recounts their dreams; quite interesting to the person telling them but boring as hell if you weren't there.

That changed when I heard the gazebo story.*

* I've since read that this basically happened but not word-for-word, but screw it, it's such a wonderful story.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:36 PM on August 30, 2012


You've read Head of Vecna, right?
posted by griphus at 12:38 PM on August 30, 2012


I have! Head of Vecna was also in an issue of Dragon Magazine which a friend read aloud to us (only the one article), of particular spells and magic items which I thought were awesome and surprisingly funny for D&D humor. "More Outrages From The Mages," it was called. I reproduce some of the best parts here (I saved a txt file of this a while back, apparently):

Remove Hand (Amputation)
Level: 4 Components: V,S
Range: 0 CT: 1 segment
Duration: Perm. ST: None
AE: Personal


Explanation/Description: When this spell is cast, one of the magic-user's hands (determine which randomly) drops off at the wrist. One drawback of this spell is the fact that the effect is not painless. Also note the spell duration and the fact that the spell is not reversible.


Locate Hands (Confirmation)
Level: 2 Components: V,S
Range: 2'/lvl. CT: 2 rounds
Duration: 1 rnd./lvl. ST: None
AE: Special


Explanation/Description: Casting this spell enables the magic-user to
find his own hands, even in the dark. Ordinarily, he will find them at the ends of his arms (one each), unless remove hand has been previously cast. In the latter case, this spell could be quite useful; however, it has a limited range and an extensive somatic component, either of which might compromise its effectiveness in finding detached hands.

Speak With Mud (Elocution)
Level: 1 Components: V,S
Range: 1"/lvl. CT: 1 segment
Duration: Special ST: None
AE: l" rnd./lvl.


Explanation/Description: This spell enables the magic-user to converse
with normal, nonmagical mud. The mud hears everything the magic-user says
and can answer audibly. Unfortunately, this spell does not endow the mud
with any other magical powers (such as intelligence), so its answers are
generally restricted to unedifying glugs and gurgles. The spell duration
continues until the magic-user gets sick of the whole thing or shouts
himself hoarse in frustration.

Transmute Rock to Stone (Redesignation) Reversible
Level: 7 Components: V,S
Range: 1"/lvl. CT: 7 rounds
Duration: Perm. ST: None
AE: Special


Explanation/Description: This powerful magic enables the spell-caster to
turn any amount of nonmagical rock into stone. The casting time does not
include the time it takes to determine whether or not the spell has taken
effect, which can be considerable. The somatic component for this spell
requires that the spell-caster pull his index finger out of his mouth so
that his cheek makes a popping sound, then rotate the finger vertically in
the air while whistling a low glissando.


and my favorite:

Drawmij's Instant Death (Extermination)
Level: 8 Components: V
Range: Infinite CT: 8 segments
Duration: Instant. ST: None
AE: Special


Explanation/Description: When this spell is cast, Drawmij, wherever he is
and whoever he is, dies. He dies immediately, without even a saving throw.
As this spell has been around for some time, it is safe to assume that
Drawmij is getting pretty sick and tired of it.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:47 PM on August 30, 2012 [3 favorites]


Speak With Mud (Elocution)

Does it rain in Spain? /Eliza Dolittle
posted by arcticseal at 1:22 PM on August 30, 2012


Yay, that was my post! and bradleyvoytek's project
posted by Blasdelb at 1:28 PM on August 30, 2012 [1 favorite]


Did you see the one where a game broke out midthread?

That's pretty great. Reminds me of a job I had several years ago working internal IT call center/triage at a large regional bank. We used to do large group chats with all 20 support agents, to coordinate system outages and help the newbies with common issues. Once in a while I and a few other fellow dorks would spontaneously strike up a game of "IM D&D", until our manager yelled at us to knock it off. Good times.
posted by Doleful Creature at 1:54 PM on August 30, 2012


I thought I'd missed those, but I absolutely remember Drawmij's Instant Death.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 2:36 PM on August 30, 2012


We had some fun back in the day concocting some spell variants as well, my favourite being Evard's Involuntary Blood Transfusion.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 2:37 PM on August 30, 2012


Glad to help. I assume XP comes at the end of the session?

XP is so 1976. We do skill checks now.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:10 PM on August 30, 2012


How do I roll up my Metafilter user character?
posted by The Whelk at 3:17 PM on August 30, 2012


we've been over this
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:31 PM on August 30, 2012


It's pretty easy, actually. There's only three stats - Sagacity, Churlishness, and Bullheadedness. Roll 4d6 for each stat and discard the lowest roll, same as in town. Then throw the dice out the window and eat the stat sheet, flushing it down with the drink of your choice. Allow it to mature for 24 hours, then fling it at the nearest wall. Whatever sticks to the wall is your new Mefi user character.
posted by daniel_charms at 3:32 PM on August 30, 2012


cortex: man, that's so 3.5E.
posted by daniel_charms at 3:35 PM on August 30, 2012


( VATS whirring sound )
posted by The Whelk at 3:47 PM on August 30, 2012


I once participated in a D&D group whose DM allowed players to make up their own magic items. People got pretty inventive with swords that dripped molten metal and curve-ball arrows. To be contrarian I rolled up a halfling ranger whose best item was a +1 light crossbow, and invested my skills in initative, stealth, archery, and survival. And cooking, because, you know, halfling.

We were a special task force for the campaign's monarchy, assigned to investigate or "take care" of troublesome spots in the area. I accompanied cavalier tanks with weightless plate mail, wizards with revolver-style wands, rogues with garrote whips, and basically any sort of min-maxed over-the-top decked-out character conceived on double-shots of espresso.

Our first assignment was to investigate reports of heightened hill giant activity in a far-away elbow of the kingdom, and throughout the journey of random encounters and NPC questioning, my only significant contribution was to find a deer or something for the nightly dinner. In combat I was pretty ineffective only because the other guys would smash through the enemy before my measly crossbow and knife work could put in a dent.

Fast-forward to the hill giants, and we discover that they're actually working for some archduke or whoever that's building up a force to overthrow the king, and his army actually includes other stronger giants and an assortment of evil-type creatures that include spellcasters. We stumble upon some contingent of gnolls, humans, and giants, and after the initial shock the team charges in swinging, ready to take out these mobs and earn some loot and experience.

Me? I hike up the hood on my ghillie suit and high-tail it out of there. The team gets crushed by wraith-form shifting warrior-knights (molten metal passes through), silenced and prevented from casting spells/activating wands by drow clerics, and pasted by stone-throwing giants. I end up being the only survivor and the DM and I work out a rather exciting and suspenseful solo adventure where I have to avoid heightened patrols. Got a nice hefty exp bonus, too.

Unfortunately, when I reported back to the king, I was tasked to lead the next special force (newly-rolled and equipped characters) back to the archduke. I got caught in an ambush fireball and failed my save and died. Maybe if I had thought up an element-proof ghillie suit, things would have turned out better.
posted by CancerMan at 3:53 PM on August 30, 2012 [2 favorites]


So if you want some stories about the creators of D&D making stuff up, have I got a site for you...
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:38 PM on August 30, 2012 [2 favorites]


Speaking of MeFi posts about RPGs and such...I'm trying to remember the post (or maybe it wasa comment) describing a pen&paper game where the magic system was so complex basically only medieval history scholars could master it?? I'd love to track that one down...
posted by Doleful Creature at 12:52 AM on August 31, 2012


Never mind, found it (Ars Magica). Tags really are a wonderful thing.
posted by Doleful Creature at 12:57 AM on August 31, 2012


Ars Magica has a wonderful magic system; one that has spoiled me for most others, unfortunately. It's complex, but not very difficult to understand at all.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:28 AM on August 31, 2012


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