Birds do it, bees do it, even couples on AskMe do it... May 10, 2013 10:35 AM   Subscribe

Good evening. I am considering the purchase of an account on MetaFilter for my fiancee. She may find it of use for work (academic librarianship, cataloging), domestic (cats, pies) and leisure; I've sent her pointers to FPPs on here which she has found of interest, and she may be able to contribute questions and comments to AskMe. But...

...I've got some concerns though. These are probably some of my many insecurities. Interested in comments especially from MeFites who have partners who are also MeFites; doubly especially if one or both of you are librarians and/or shambrarians.

* Is it ethical to flag and/or favorite comments, posts, made by your partner if they are also on MetaFilter? Flagging is private, but favorites are public, so they'd see the latter.

* What if your partner writes a relationship question on AskMeFi? Either with their username, or anonymous? Has this ever happened to someone, and how did you deal with it? Should one engage in a pact to discuss issues rather than put them on AskMe?

* Is it ethical to declare anywhere e.g. on your profile page, that you are in a close relationship with another MeFite?

* What if other MeFites give her hassle? Let's say she does an FPP about the move from the MARC to RDA cataloging standards in libraries. And some AACR2 fanboy turns the discussion nasty and borderline personal, but still within acceptable bounds (MetaFilter is I think a better place for discussion of this nature than e.g. mailing lists such as AutoCat). If I pitch in, so long as I don't make it personal, would that be okay, or seen as inappropriately standing up for my partner even if I believed in my viewpoint (she can stand up for herself pretty well) (actually scares me a bit in this regard).

Actually I'm probably overthinking / overworried, but these questions are now making me go off the idea. I might get her a kitten instead, as there feels like less potential for drama there.
posted by Wordshore to Etiquette/Policy at 10:35 AM (131 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

DTMFA
posted by davey_darling at 10:39 AM on May 10, 2013 [112 favorites]


Can you clarify why it matters at all if anyone is a librarian? Librarians are not held to some different relationship standard or some different MeFi standard.
posted by donnagirl at 10:40 AM on May 10, 2013 [6 favorites]


There is n
posted by the quidnunc kid at 10:40 AM on May 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


Is it ethical to flag and/or favorite comments, posts, made by your partner if they are also on MetaFilter?

Is there a value to flags or favourites?

Is it ethical to declare anywhere e.g. on your profile page, that you are in a close relationship with another MeFite?

It's built-in to the user profile page. While many people use the 'spouse" option jokingly, it's there quite sincerely.
posted by GuyZero at 10:41 AM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, you're over thinking it. My wife has a Metafilter and I see no issue with both replying in a thread or what have. Just don't be a jerk or duplicitous about anything and you'll be fine.

Just don't mention the whips or you'll have to spend some time in the dungeon.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:41 AM on May 10, 2013


(Apologies, iPhone fuck up. Please ignore my half-comment above.)
posted by the quidnunc kid at 10:43 AM on May 10, 2013 [7 favorites]


In practical terms you'd be an idiot not to favorite everything your partner does. But avoid the white-knighting stuff despite your superior user number status, which grants you access to the clubhouse, holodeck, and airship hangar.
posted by Mister_A at 10:43 AM on May 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


She's a big girl, no? She can take care of herself.
posted by Melismata at 10:44 AM on May 10, 2013 [12 favorites]


I dunno, man. Unless she's constantly using your account to do MeFi things -- favorite posts she wants to come back to, or make comments on her behalf -- I would just let her sign up for an account on her own if and when she wants one. Let her pick her own username, let her set up her profile page the way she wants, and really, let her decide whether this is a place she wants to spend a lot of her internet free time.

That said, to answer some of your questions:

1) I don't think it's a problem to fav/flag your SOs posts and comments. If you link to something of theirs in a comment, then you should mention your personal connection.

2) I have written a couple of anonymous questions about my MeFite SO, but only because the question could be asked without any identifying details..and honestly, they don't read the green very often. It hasn't been a problem but YMMV.

3) Of course, if your SO doesn't mind???? Why wouldn't it be?

4) Trying to fight internet battles for other people rarely goes well, just in general? So I'd probably try to stay out of any MeFi arguments she might get into.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:44 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Wordshore, You aren't for real, are you? Don't bite your tongue as you remove it from your cheek.
posted by Cranberry at 10:46 AM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


1) You are overthinking this tremendously.

2) No one cares. I mean that in a nice way.

3) She's gonna be fine.

4) If other mefites give her hassle, your options are to:
a. Flag the hassle
b. Use the contact form
c. Post buttslol over and over in the thread until other people lose interest in hassling her.
5) We'll be glad to have her.
posted by phunniemee at 10:47 AM on May 10, 2013 [8 favorites]


Get a kitten!
posted by something something at 10:47 AM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


* Is it ethical to flag and/or favorite comments, posts, made by your partner if they are also on MetaFilter? Flagging is private, but favorites are public, so they'd see the latter.

Yes. Flag and favorite away. But don't post anything they make or are involved in.

* What if your partner writes a relationship question on AskMeFi? Either with their username, or anonymous? Has this ever happened to someone, and how did you deal with it?

Non-anonymous relationship AskMes have happened with both ends of the relationship as members, and it wasn't pretty iirc. Ask anonymously if you must, but...

Should one engage in a pact to discuss issues rather than put them on AskMe?

...it should be obvious enough without a pact.

* Is it ethical to declare anywhere e.g. on your profile page, that you are in a close relationship with another MeFite?

There is an explicit site mechanism to list someone as your spouse.

* What if other MeFites give her hassle?

Above all, stay constructive. If you're concerned on her behalf about librarian gang wars or something (?), remember that she can contact the mods to find out what can be done about harassment.
posted by Jpfed at 10:47 AM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think you may possibly be overthinking this just a tad. Also why not just let her decide for herself if she wants to get herself an account or not?
posted by elizardbits at 10:47 AM on May 10, 2013


Make sure to post pictures of the kitten if that's what ends up happening though.
posted by elizardbits at 10:47 AM on May 10, 2013 [17 favorites]


Your first problem is the kitten. You should get a puppy.
posted by phunniemee at 10:48 AM on May 10, 2013 [13 favorites]


We should all go marry wordshore right now, to get him or her in trouble with yo's partner.
posted by Mister_A at 10:49 AM on May 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


Keep it dark though, it'll be great fun.
posted by Mister_A at 10:49 AM on May 10, 2013


Just keep an eye on her if Brandon Blatcher is around; she'll get 'spoused!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:50 AM on May 10, 2013


The very short mod answer on this (since there's not really anything like a policy about this) is that so long as either or both of you aren't doing things on the site because of your relationship that you otherwise wouldn't do, there's basically no issue. If you both have accounts, you both have accounts, so be it. You're both individual mefites, go ahead and just be mefites.
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:50 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Librarians are not held to some different relationship standard

Whoa, you have clearly not read the ALA Standards and Guidelines for Librarian Dating, they're 173 pages long fer chrissakes! The section on releasing your long hair from it's confining bun in a seductive manner is good for 16 of those pages alone!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:53 AM on May 10, 2013 [45 favorites]


I believe the official line on this is that the best thing about having an SO on the site means that y'all get to gossip about the most hilarious goings-on. Kittens also work this way, though.
posted by Greg Nog at 10:53 AM on May 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


Definitely get a kitten. Or two!
posted by lalex at 10:54 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


A kitten may crap on your floor, but MetaFilter will crap in your brain, so keep that in mind.
posted by Mister_A at 10:56 AM on May 10, 2013 [8 favorites]


Hello sir, I see that you're coming up on your one-year anniversary of signing up for Metafilter. As such, you may be unaware of our "Overthinking a plate of beans," meme, which, I feel comfortable in assuring you, applies to your query.
posted by Lynsey at 10:56 AM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


My first thought when thinking about couples who both frequently visit MetaFilter was that the unwritten house rule is the same as (what should be) the rule for couples having threesomes:

Don't bring your relationship drama into our shared fun time space.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:57 AM on May 10, 2013 [6 favorites]


Actually I'm probably overthinking

JUST A LITTLE BIT! JUST A LITTLE BIT! SOCK IT TO ME SOCK IT TO ME SOCK IT TO ME SOCK IT TO ME!
*dance break*
posted by rmd1023 at 10:58 AM on May 10, 2013 [15 favorites]


*does the macerena*
posted by Ned G at 11:01 AM on May 10, 2013


Can you clarify why it matters at all if anyone is a librarian?

It is relevant to the fourth *question. The onlinelibrariansphere can, and does, turn some topics into epic, personal, and consuming debates. Librarians would know of this.

Unless she's constantly using your account to do MeFi things...

No; separate accounts for everything.

Also why not just let her decide for herself if she wants to get herself an account or not?

It is/was going to be a surprise present, possibly even a wedding present.

Wordshore, You aren't for real, are you?

??? Um, very "for real". A picture of us from a few months back.
posted by Wordshore at 11:01 AM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


T is the letter in the alphabet that did not make the top 25
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:02 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


*Hands you a blue pamphlet with a line drawing of flowers on the cover - METAFILTER AND YOU: WHAT EVERY TEEN NEEDS TO KNOW *
posted by The Whelk at 11:06 AM on May 10, 2013 [31 favorites]


The only rule is if you start saying things around the house like "Hey, hon, want to have a IRL meetup on the couch in ten minutes?" then one of you has to delete your account.
posted by bondcliff at 11:07 AM on May 10, 2013 [12 favorites]


Librarians would know of this.

I am a librarian.
posted by donnagirl at 11:07 AM on May 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


The only rule is if you start saying things around the house like "Hey, hon, want to have a IRL meetup on the couch in ten minutes?" then one of you has to delete your account.

That is a possibility. We have been in the same room, but still used gmail chat, or Nintendo 3DS software, to communicate. Not sure if advocating an IRL meeting is a sufficient reason to delete one's MetaFilter account, however.
posted by Wordshore at 11:12 AM on May 10, 2013


If she has a mefi account, she'll know how you find all those interesting sites you post on Facebook, and soon she won't need you at all.
posted by empath at 11:13 AM on May 10, 2013 [12 favorites]


The very short mod answer on this

That's nice, but I would rather hear from a taller mod. I perceive them as having more authority.
posted by sweetkid at 11:15 AM on May 10, 2013 [64 favorites]


The only rule is if you start saying things around the house like "Hey, hon, want to have a IRL meetup on the couch in ten minutes?" then one of you has to delete your account.

ONE of you?!?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:17 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh god the RDA fights-- can we skip those forever? But seriously I have found the librarians and fellow library staff here to be very helpful and to be good folks. I have my hair in a bun and I'm wearing a pencil skirt in a library right now but IANYLibrarian.
posted by jetlagaddict at 11:17 AM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


Can you clarify why it matters at all if anyone is a librarian?

It is relevant to the fourth *question. The onlinelibrariansphere can, and does, turn some topics into epic, personal, and consuming debates. Librarians would know of this.


Find me an online*sphere that doesn't, please, and I will find my way into that career and/or take up that hobby.
posted by Etrigan at 11:23 AM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


That's nice, but I would rather hear from a taller mod.

It's the same answer but first he sort of swings his leg over the top of the chair to sit down.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:25 AM on May 10, 2013 [120 favorites]


Find me an online*sphere that doesn't, please, and I will find my way into that career and/or take up that hobby.

Cricket (with the exception of any topic concerning Mr Kevin Pietersen).
posted by Wordshore at 11:26 AM on May 10, 2013


It's the same answer but first he sort of swings his leg over the top of the chair to sit down.

[joke re: "Number One"]
posted by Sys Rq at 11:28 AM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


You definitely should get her an account, you may need dry ice someday.
posted by jamaro at 11:28 AM on May 10, 2013 [10 favorites]


You definitely should get her an account, you may need dry ice someday.

how have i never seen this askme answer before? that tickles me in ways i can't really verbalize.
posted by chasles at 11:32 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


> A picture of us from a few months back.

You look like Prince Kropotkin. After you give your fiancee the account (which you should definitely do), could you start the world anarchist revolution? Thx.
posted by languagehat at 11:40 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


My spouse is a mefite (hi, sweetie!). She was here first, and I joined after hearing so much about this place. I do find myself favoriting her comments a lot, because I tend to like and agree with the things she says. Go figure. She fights her own battles, though. If someone's rude to her, I tend to make a mental note of that person, but I don't feel like I need to defend her from internet drama or anything. And yes, I noted our relationship on my profile page. No ethical issue there that I can imagine.
posted by gingerbeer at 11:43 AM on May 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


That's nice, but I would rather hear from a taller mod.

It's the same answer but first he sort of swings his leg over the top of the chair to sit down.


*swings leg over thread

She is the moon of your life. You are her sun and stars. Make it so.
posted by The Riker Who Mounts the World at 11:47 AM on May 10, 2013 [14 favorites]


...could you start the world anarchist revolution?

If you are interested in library anarchist, revolutionary and radical resources, then I recommend this post (and others on her various websites) by jessamyn.
posted by Wordshore at 11:47 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


My wife and I are both librarians and Mefites. The only downside is the monthly debriefing in front of the bust of Melvil Dewey followed by the ritual ablutions and sacrifice. Once you find a good stain remover, it's pretty easy.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:47 AM on May 10, 2013 [7 favorites]


Actually I'm probably overthinking / overworried

You can omit "maybe" from that quote and you will have your answer.
posted by Tanizaki at 11:47 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


As somone who's wife has a MeFi account (although she's way more active on MeCha) I can only say: relax, and buy her the account, dude.
posted by jonmc at 11:49 AM on May 10, 2013


Actually I'm probably overthinking / overworried

You can omit "maybe" from that quote and you will have your answer.


OH MY GOD THE MAYBE WAS ALREADY OMITTED WE HAVE CLEARLY FALLEN INTO A TIME RIFT
posted by phunniemee at 11:49 AM on May 10, 2013 [11 favorites]


What the? Dude, just buy the account and stop thinking about things so much. You're going to get an ulcer.
posted by Justinian at 11:50 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


* Is it ethical to flag and/or favorite comments, posts, made by your partner if they are also on MetaFilter? Flagging is private, but favorites are public, so they'd see the latter.

I can't see it mattering. If you feel weird flagging a comment your partner makes, you could maybe mention it to them beforehand. They'd see that you favorited something they said. Whether or not that would be an issue for them isn't something a bunch of strangers can answer.

* What if your partner writes a relationship question on AskMeFi? Either with their username, or anonymous? Has this ever happened to someone, and how did you deal with it? Should one engage in a pact to discuss issues rather than put them on AskMe?

This is something that's between you and her. If you anticipate it being any kind of issue, you should talk to her about it before there's any chance of it happening.

* Is it ethical to declare anywhere e.g. on your profile page, that you are in a close relationship with another MeFite?

Yes. A lot of people do this already.

* What if other MeFites give her hassle? Let's say she does an FPP about the move from the MARC to RDA cataloging standards in libraries. And some AACR2 fanboy turns the discussion nasty and borderline personal, but still within acceptable bounds (MetaFilter is I think a better place for discussion of this nature than e.g. mailing lists such as AutoCat). If I pitch in, so long as I don't make it personal, would that be okay, or seen as inappropriately standing up for my partner even if I believed in my viewpoint (she can stand up for herself pretty well) (actually scares me a bit in this regard).

If somebody says something you disagree with and you can express that disagreement in a way that doesn't break the guidelines, you are entirely free to do so. If defending your wife is one of those reasons, go nuts. I don't think anyone would see it as inappropriately defending your partner. Honestly, I don't think anyone would care.

Actually I'm probably overthinking / overworried

Yes.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:53 AM on May 10, 2013


I got my fiancée an account. She reads the blue more than I do now, and I read the green more than she does, which works out nicely because we can send each other links to the most interesting threads. We both read the grey.

We totally talk about specific mefites on a daily basis too. Just saying.
posted by insectosaurus at 12:00 PM on May 10, 2013


I'm just glad no one in this thread is writing "finance" instead of fiancee because that is annoying.
posted by sweetkid at 12:06 PM on May 10, 2013 [9 favorites]


This is no big deal. Some relationship things we have seen come up from time to time

- If they're both on the same PayPal account they will show up for us as sock puppets. This is not a big deal but it may be worth making a mention otherwise if you both ask AskMe questions at the same time you might get a warning.
- If you're asking a question about "a friend" and it's really about your partner who is also a MeFite, please spare us the drama and just see a therapist instead
- If your partner is on the site, it's totally okay to stick up for them or whatever, just don't be weird about it (especially if your partner isn't) assume they are adult people as you are and can handle minor conflicts
- It's fine to flag and/or favorite your partner, just be mindful that flags are mod-only so if you are flagging as some sort of in joke with us, we will miss it entirely
- If you or your partner leaves and/or gets banned other people may contact you to try to get in touch with the no-longer-on-the-site member, this can sometimes be annoying particularly if you have had relationship strife
- If you break up, dragging your breakup drama over here is NOT COOL and would actually be a problem
- May want to point your partner towards the Orientation page if you think there is something that they might be unclear on.

You have made a MeTa post per month since you have been a member. While we're always happy to answer questions and be available over email, it may be worth noting that this is on the high end of MeTa use (though really not problematic) and if you're the one setting expectations for your partner, I'd just point that out. My SO is a member here (met him at a meetup!) and other than the rare "Hey quit fucking around I WORK HERE" message, it's just fine.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:10 PM on May 10, 2013 [10 favorites]


Well this quote is going on my office door:

please spare us the drama and just see a therapist instead

posted by Mister_A at 12:12 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


MetaTalk: please spare us the drama and just see a therapist instead
posted by MoonOrb at 12:20 PM on May 10, 2013 [5 favorites]


Lots of good advice above. However, I must point out that an entirely different and much more strict set of rules apply within the State of Iowa. Odd, I know, but I'm throwing that out there for anyone thinking about getting an Iowa-based librarian / future spouse a membership.
posted by Area Man at 12:26 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


Should one engage in a pact to discuss issues rather than doing anything else? Yes, yes indeed.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:29 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


My partner has an account here, and because I like what she has to say (and am rather loose with my favorites anyway), her comments get favorites from me with some frequency. I don't think she's ever favorited one of my comments.

I alternate between weeping quietly over this, and preening over all the Moral High Ground points I'm pretty sure it affords me.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:34 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


You realize, of course, that once she is a member here she will see this thread, and may lol.
posted by elizardbits at 12:36 PM on May 10, 2013 [10 favorites]


"I am... a librarian."
posted by seanmpuckett at 12:43 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


You realize, of course, that once she is a member here she will see this thread, and may lol.

Or even if she doesn't become a member!
posted by Jahaza at 12:44 PM on May 10, 2013


You can solve your problems by giving the account to your kitten. Probably wouldn't be the first feline on mefi either as I suspect that the many lolcat posts are in fact submitted by members of the felidae family.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:50 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


I like to floss in the mornings but I think most people floss at night. Should I delete my mefi account?
posted by mullacc at 12:50 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


You should be aware that every Mefi account purchased for a spouse comes with a free banjo.

This does not always go over well.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:51 PM on May 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


Wow, no mention of fr0zen and xteraco so far...

Anyway, my husband is also on the site, and I don't favorite or flag him any more or less than I do other people. I know some couples on here, but don't notice how often they flag/fave each other, and why would I care?

He's the only one I've marked as my spouse in my contacts, but other people have marked me as their "spouse," and still, no one cares.

Don't air your dirty laundry or say anything negative about her; discuss issues with her before posting personal stuff about your relationship.

Mostly, just relax, people don't pay as much attention to you as you might think.
posted by desjardins at 12:53 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


My librarian spouse and I are both here...it's a big place. We don't run into each other (much), and we don't go out seeking each other....that said, Metafilter is, and I honestly believe this, full of the greatest group of people in the whole world. There should be no worry as to how mefites are going to interact with her. Sign her up, she sounds like a doll.

As for the AskMe Love Question, well... I got one coming up real soon...so I'll get back to you.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 1:04 PM on May 10, 2013


Don't air your dirty laundry or say anything negative about her; discuss issues with her before posting personal stuff about your relationship.

This is a good rule of thumb whether you get her an account or not. I mean, it's public and I have witnessed people "find" their SO on some forum, asking questions related to the relationship. (It happened to go well and was really a sweet incident, but lots of relationship questions ...could easily go otherwise.)
posted by Michele in California at 1:08 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


My fiance bought me an account for Valentine's Day, 2007. Reader, I am going to marry him.

Seriously, it's fine. It's a multifaceted subject of conversation. Sometimes he favourites what I have to say, but not everything, so it's still meaningful. As far as I know, we've never flagged each other, which sounds like some sort of unfortunate sexual position. He likes to keep a low profile online, and I'm less circumspect about my identity, so I don't link to him specifically, but I have convinced him to actually show up to meetups with me.

The most important thing is that I wouldn't say anything online about him that I wouldn't say directly to him. No airing of dirty laundry, which may be a subsidiary of the "flagging" position.

Love you, sweetie and account gifter!
posted by ilana at 1:09 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh, but you might want to let her choose her own username, if she'd find that fun. I didn't get that luxury, which sort of saddens me; however, on the other hand, it completely removed the paralyzing pressure to be witty. For all I know I'd still be trying to decide on a name six years later.
posted by ilana at 1:11 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


I am... a librarian.

I might be a librarian, but I am somebody!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 1:12 PM on May 10, 2013


I, for one, am looking forward to more of those "Honey, I am right here in the thread!" relationship AskMe's.
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:16 PM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


I don't like them, they seem too much like performance to me.
posted by sweetkid at 1:17 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


What if other MeFites give her hassle? Let's say she does an FPP about the move from the MARC to RDA cataloging standards in libraries. And some AACR2 fanboy turns the discussion nasty and borderline personal

Which of these do we like? Not AACR2 right? Seems like AACR2 fans are dicks, always making it personal.
posted by Ad hominem at 1:20 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


My spouse is a mefite (hi, sweetie!).

*waves* Hi, honey!

/yes we are both home but in separate rooms trapped under separate cats so thank god for internet communication is what I think
posted by rtha at 1:25 PM on May 10, 2013 [30 favorites]


Umm Dewey Decimal?

/library-ish jokes
posted by Mister_A at 1:28 PM on May 10, 2013


rtha: that is a scarily accurate future portrayal of my SO and I.
posted by Wordshore at 1:28 PM on May 10, 2013


Can she join and not tell you her username? Please.
posted by Ideefixe at 1:32 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


We've traced the comments... they're coming from inside the house!
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:35 PM on May 10, 2013 [7 favorites]


Let her join MetaFilter on her own. I took my wife to my first meetup, and when we were doing introductions and whatnot, everyone asked why she wasn't a member. Her response: "he's active enough for the both of us." We've gone to a few meetups together since then, and she's introduced herself as Mrs. filthy light thief.


yes we are both home but in separate rooms trapped under separate cats so thank god for internet communication is what I think

I'm glad you're not trapped under the same cat, because then I would suggest you talk to your vet about your cat's diet, or you might have a pet mountain lion, which is all-together another concern.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:47 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


"...so long as either or both of you aren't doing things on the site because of your relationship that you otherwise wouldn't do, there's basically no issue.

You hear that, quid? We're allowed to do it on the site! In front of everybody!
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:50 PM on May 10, 2013 [5 favorites]


*grabs his cloak and wizard hat*

*slowly draws out wand*

*licks lips*

*winks*

*wonders what he crime he committed in a past life that would lead him to now be writing out Harry Potter-esque slash fiction involving himself and Capt. Renault on metafilter*

*oh wait a minute, remembers that he was hitler in that past life*

*notes to self that karma is pretty weird*
posted by the quidnunc kid at 2:29 PM on May 10, 2013 [7 favorites]


Should one engage in a pact to discuss issues rather than put them on AskMe?

Given that common responses to questions about relationship issues include: "Have you talked to your partner about this?" and "Just tell your partner exactly what you've told us", I'm going to go with "for the love of god, YES". Otherwise, you are very likely to find yourself in Ask getting recommendations for couples counseling (which, hey, a few of my friends have done in the early days of a marriage, even without any major issues to address).
posted by EvaDestruction at 2:48 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Whatever you do, just make sure not to have your SO fake your own death for the purposes of making a lengthy, heartfelt MetaTalk obituary that callously manipulates the emotions of your erstwhile friends. Rookie mistake.
posted by Rhaomi at 2:58 PM on May 10, 2013 [32 favorites]


I love that you asked the question Wordshore. It shows how much you love and respect your partner and shows how much you respect this place as well.

Don't worry. Sign her up and I'll look forward to her posts!
posted by salishsea at 3:06 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Mr. Scody was gifted his membership at the Portland Labor Day meetup last year (you guys! THAT WAS SO FUN), and he has never used it. I never know whether to be mildly irritated or relieved by this.
posted by scody at 3:12 PM on May 10, 2013


The only rule is if you start saying things around the house like "Hey, hon, want to have a IRL meetup on the couch in ten minutes?" then one of you has to delete your account.

Oh gods, there was this one couple who did this in an entirely different internet context. It was annoyingly twee and obnoxious.

That is a possibility. We have been in the same room, but still used gmail chat, or Nintendo 3DS software, to communicate.

Everybody does this. Well, everybody who uses the internet enough to actually consider buying a membership here.
posted by MartinWisse at 3:17 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


All this talk of gift membership reminded me of the 100K user contest. I went to see what awesome name they ended up picking, because I couldn't remember how it all worked out. I see that the pressure may have been too much.
posted by donnagirl at 3:22 PM on May 10, 2013


My ex-husband and I were on MeFi together for years. It only got weird when he stopped being my husband and became my ex husband, as MeFi was the only venue where we were both hanging out. Over time, it got less weird and became a total non issue (for me anyway) and now it seems he's left for other reasons.
posted by sonika at 3:22 PM on May 10, 2013


A kitten may crap on your floor, but MetaFilter will crap in your brain, so keep that in mind.

I hate you for making me imagine the similarities between kitty crapping posture and what MetaFilter would look like as it did the deed.
posted by invitapriore at 3:25 PM on May 10, 2013


(Nope, did a quick search, he's still around. Just hadn't posted for a while.)
posted by sonika at 3:25 PM on May 10, 2013


I see that the pressure may have been too much.

I've sort of grappled with this because I like my current account just fine and wouldn't want to switch over to being user 100K, it wouldn't work as an anonymous sockpuppet for the purpose of asking embarrassing questions because everyone motivated enough can track down that I own it, and I'm not nearly witty enough to come with the timely bon mots that a solid joke account requires. At this point I'm saving 100K for my son, who at 15 is currently at "Youtube" in the quality of his online contributions so it may be a long while yet.
posted by jamaro at 3:33 PM on May 10, 2013 [9 favorites]


Well then.
posted by Wordshore's main squeeze at 3:37 PM on May 10, 2013 [17 favorites]


Wordshore:

What if other MeFites give her hassle?
  • Stand squarely in front of her harasser, looking him square in the eyes
  • Use the white glove that keep just for this purpose and lighty slap him with it across the cheek
  • Say: "That is my wife, sir! You have insulted her and I demand satisfaction!
  • Have your seconds work out the details of your duel
posted by double block and bleed at 3:39 PM on May 10, 2013 [11 favorites]


My husband got an account after being dragged along to meetups. He participates regularly but it took him a while. I wouldn't be surprised if he favorites me (I don't favorite for support, just bookmarks) but I don't know about it because I have favorites turned off, so no etiquette help on that point. However, I mention him on my profile.
posted by immlass at 3:49 PM on May 10, 2013


Whoa, jamaro, did the account come with some sort of batsignal that lets you know when it's mentioned? Thanks for the explanation, makes total sense!
posted by donnagirl at 3:54 PM on May 10, 2013


Heh, no. I just read and read and read. It's why I don't post much, too busy reading All The Threads.
posted by jamaro at 3:55 PM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


Ahh jamaro, maybe we were separated at birth.
posted by donnagirl at 3:59 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


I bought my dad an account for his birthday. Not sure how much he uses it... Eh.

Am considering this for future presents for others as well.
posted by RainyJay at 4:24 PM on May 10, 2013


My SO is on the site. We hardly ever run across each other, actually. It is fun to have some similar things in our frame of reference and when I talk about people/things from the site, it makes more sense.

You're overthinking it. Just let her be who she is, and you be who you are.
posted by Miko at 4:27 PM on May 10, 2013


I bought a gift account once for someone I know who was the topic of a post. He never used it. I like him less now because of that.
posted by donnagirl at 4:27 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Getting your spouse a mefi account can be very dangerous, IF you yourself do not already have a mefi account.

I got my spouse a mefi account a few years back... I named it "treehorn+bunny". And you see what has happened...
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:33 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


Keep in mind that if she signs up while she's your fiance, then any of the mods could invoke Droit du Seigneur on your wedding night if they so desire. That could cause some friction.
posted by homunculus at 4:34 PM on May 10, 2013 [7 favorites]


If it doesn't, then they are doing it wrong.
posted by The Riker Who Mounts the World at 4:35 PM on May 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


And Seigneur/Seigneuresse, please. You never know who might be on duty.
posted by donnagirl at 4:38 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


The real issue with having an SO on MetaFilter is trying to keep up with the required celebratory cakes for every 1K new favorites achieved. I'm not sure how (for example) GregNog's significant other keeps up with that.
posted by pie ninja at 4:48 PM on May 10, 2013


elizardbits: You realize, of course, that once she is a member here she will see this thread, and may lol.

She's reading the thread now and lol'ing a lot. Especially (worryingly?) at the first comment.
posted by Wordshore at 4:49 PM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


"It is/was going to be a surprise present, possibly even a wedding present."

"Baby, I got you an account — you're now Hey Dolf Shitler!"
posted by klangklangston at 4:51 PM on May 10, 2013 [5 favorites]


This is one of my very favorite AskMe's ever.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:26 PM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


First of all, congratulations to you and your fiancee on your impending nuptuals. But I'm relatively new, single, and I don't really get the question.

Presumably your fiancee has access to $5. She likely knows about Metafilter. So it just seems like you are asking about stuff that concerns boundaries between you and her, and between you and your existing relationship to Mefites.

Anyone on here could have friends/loved ones/allies join and favorite the same things or defend or agee with them in threads or whatever. I assume people who participate find it useful/interesting in their professional or personal lives (whether they are librarians or not) or they wouldn't participate.

It's clear that people here are forming relationships IRL (whether romantic or otherwise).

So I'm not really sure I get the question. Can you control all the interactions she has here with others? I'd say probably not.
posted by loveyallaround at 5:51 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


I am enough nicer here than I am IRL, that if my partner joined I'd likely have to deal with a constant refrain of 'why can't you be more like jamjam?', and she'd probably end up leaving me for myself.
posted by jamjam at 7:19 PM on May 10, 2013 [12 favorites]


I bought an account for a friend. I have no idea whether he used it or not, but worst case scenario is that Matt got another $5 to help with the running of the place. And that, as Martha says, is a good thing.
posted by arcticseal at 7:44 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


I have my hair in a bun and I'm wearing a pencil skirt in a library right now...

Go on...
posted by bongo_x at 7:59 PM on May 10, 2013 [6 favorites]


The section on releasing your long hair from it's confining bun in a seductive manner is good for 16 of those pages alone

I'll be in my, uh... in the high-density shelving.
posted by hattifattener at 8:07 PM on May 10, 2013


I got my dad an account. The only real consequence was that I had to get a sock puppet to talk about things I didn't necessarily want my dad to associate with me...
posted by ChuraChura at 8:18 PM on May 10, 2013


OH MY GOD THE MAYBE WAS ALREADY OMITTED WE HAVE CLEARLY FALLEN INTO A TIME RIFT

This is a horrible episode but at least Lwaxana Troi isn't in it.
posted by neuromodulator at 10:16 PM on May 10, 2013


The day my wife starts reading Metafilter is the day I pack my bags for Reddit.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:18 AM on May 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


the quidnunc kid: "(Apologies, iPhone fuck up. Please ignore my half-comment above.)"

I assumed you were making a "There is no cabal" joke. Not sure how that would fit into the discussion topic, but I've seen worse non-sequiteurs.
posted by notsnot at 4:47 AM on May 11, 2013


My husband is on MetaFilter. He joined after I got tired of him reading over my shoulder and trying to answer by proxy: "Tell them to DTMFA. And hell no, they shouldn't eat that." He spends more time on MeFi than I do (mostly arguing politics, which I have no interest in doing), I spend more time here on MeTa, and we both spend time on AskMe. We're occasionally active in the same threads, but almost never interact directly with each other.

It's been fine. I favorite some (but not all) of his comments, and vice versa. We tend to give the other person the opportunity to veto it before posting anything too detailed or intimate about our relationship (usually in the form of looking across the room and asking "Hey, there's an AskMe about [issue X], do you mind if I mention [our relationship experience Y]?"). And I don't think either one of us would be likely to post an AskMe about a problem we were having between us, even anonymized — by now we know each other's writing style far too well to keep it anonymous.

Huh. I just noticed that our user numbers are anagrams of each other, or whatever the appropriate term is for numbers.
posted by Lexica at 10:33 AM on May 11, 2013


What if other MeFites give her hassle?

There's been some gentle ribbing in response to this question, but I don't think that it necessarily involves sexist white-knighting stuff.

For many people, regardless of their gender, it's very upsetting to see their partner insulted/attacked/hurt and it can be difficult to remain mindful and appropriate in response (if even a response is appropriate).

There's the ideal that it's respectful and empowering to leave them to fight their own battles and I think that's almost always true ... that doesn't mean that it's easy to keep that in mind and behave accordingly in the heat of the moment.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:13 PM on May 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


My ladyfriend is here, though she rarely comments because she thinks that we're a mean lot, which we are.
posted by item at 12:49 PM on May 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


just don't refer to her as your "meat spouse"
posted by a humble nudibranch at 1:06 PM on May 11, 2013 [7 favorites]


I have talked about some of this stuff previously at points 4, 5 and 6 of this "MetaFilter got me pregnant" comment, fwiw. Hope your spouse has fun here!
posted by onlyconnect at 1:21 PM on May 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I know some Mefites who are spouses and some Mefites who are ex-spouses and I have never seen any drama on the site from them.
posted by IndigoRain at 3:34 PM on May 11, 2013


My ladyfriend is here...
posted by item


Eponysterical.
posted by John Cohen at 8:51 PM on May 11, 2013


I know some Mefites who are spouses and some Mefites who are ex-spouses and I have never seen any drama on the site from them.

You would say that after what we went through!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 4:25 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


If she has a mefi account, she'll know how you find all those interesting sites you post on Facebook, and soon she won't need you at all.

This is a serious concern. My partner got an account (though he mostly lurks) and I've had to expand my internet horizons to include a lot of subreddits dedicated to animated gifs of puppies and kittens so that I am still a useful member of our relationship.
posted by NoraReed at 11:22 PM on May 14, 2013 [5 favorites]


The thing with librarians is they tend to own a lot of books. Cats love books: they lay around on them and flip through the pages—sometimes eat the pages, sometimes read them. I think the obvious answer to your question is librarian + kitten = YES.
posted by Eicats at 2:44 PM on May 15, 2013


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