Rule #2. There is No MetaFilter April 20, 2019 11:23 AM   Subscribe

This comment: "Metafilter: a conceptually ambitious ad for Olive Garden." posted by dephlogisticated made me realize that MetaFilter may be part of a deep state operation... We now stand 19 years, 9 months and 7 days where MetaFilter has been potentially prepping an entire generation with a ... different sort of FUD... What are your Metafilter conspiracy theories? Is Johnny Wallflower actually a selection of dogs and cats carefully stacked on eachother's shoulders and wearing clothes doing their best to impersonate a human? What do you know that folks should know about the Cabal MetaFilter? Time to don your tinfoil hats folks...
posted by Nanukthedog to MetaFilter-Related at 11:23 AM (118 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

Disclaimer: this is a fun thread for fun.

If you want to talk real actual bad things, let's do that either in the contact form or in a separate Metatalk.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 11:26 AM on April 20 [4 favorites]


My favorite recentish one was when Michael Shur of The Good Place responded to Dag Maggot's AskMe question, Is Big Dairy influencing tv show The Good Place?
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 11:29 AM on April 20 [5 favorites]


This is like that episode of The West Wing with lemon-lyman.com.
posted by limeonaire at 11:41 AM on April 20 [3 favorites]


Re-watching The Matrix right now, as a matter of fact. Red pill or blue? Are we all living our true lives or are we enslaved in some machine program? Is Neo the one? Is he the only One?
posted by Lynsey at 11:48 AM on April 20 [1 favorite]


This is like that episode of The West Wing with lemon-lyman.com.

With every passing year it just gets funnier that Aaron Sorkin got annoyed enough about TWoP forums to put a storyline about it into a prestige tv program that people still watch.
posted by sallybrown at 12:05 PM on April 20 [17 favorites]


DIEOW DOEJG VJGHE VNDKQ DPGOR
LFKDY NPMAU TRAOC DIEPO KLEAV
QYRET WAKTW DIELF OHSUI SHWTO
VNALZ CVTIJ LWUAS QPDIE ALQPC
TUEOA PGOEM CGDWJ SHXIE DHQIO

posted by Wordshore at 12:18 PM on April 20 [5 favorites]


There is so a cabal.
posted by Doktor Zed at 12:37 PM on April 20 [4 favorites]


Metafilter: Reality writing its self, and always in search of comfortable shoes. Where librarians go to escape more organized dissemination of text. Where often the next article, picks up tips. Slips of logic indicate concrete directions, three minds trapped in chat, always saying goodnight. Metafilter hates its mother. Digital consumption of cheese, not preferred to bytes of indiscrete info. Where we make word cupcakes for the singularity. Ginsburg has nothing on the Metafilter howl. Scintillations of varied intellects build a charge, fire up intercontinental synapses, staring at the plate, waiting for their fair share of the beans, has beans, will beans, hipster jerky on the bright side. This will all appear on the admitting papers, or the confession, or inside the confection, and I don't care as long as there are currants. Asylum seekers, be careful what you wish for. The major outlets are well represented, and that is a powerful attractant for all kinds of screwtiny. We like it that you are nicer though, whoever you turn out to be. Oh and regardless, don't try to sell me on those horrific robotic dogs.
posted by Oyéah at 12:46 PM on April 20 [6 favorites]


OK, so my confession. I was first read into Beto's secret history with the Cult of the Dead Cow nearly 2 years ago & have been biting my tongue ever since. Confirmed it with Beto himself at a Senatorial campaign rally last year outside of Austin. Killed me to hold it back from you all but there it was & I was sworn to secrecy. Not sure where that places me amongst the pantheon of the Cabal.
posted by scalefree at 12:47 PM on April 20 [17 favorites]


Is Johnny Wallflower actually a selection of dogs and cats carefully stacked on eachother's shoulders and wearing clothes doing their best to impersonate a human?

I have met Johnny Wallflower on a few occasions and know the truth, but am sworn to secrecy.
posted by duffell at 12:53 PM on April 20 [8 favorites]


I am a deep plant to make people question reality and the laws of physics and chaos for benevolent purposes.

I have been well trained and funded by a number of rather strangely influential people to prank and otherwise blissfully disorient as many people as humanly possible while playing the game of life on ultra hard mode.

I often have a very specific task list that includes doing things like hiding people's keys, losing socks, pens, tools or otherwise causing many ostensibly but not really mundane shifts that cause a great deal of very carefully planned and intentional social friction or chaos that gently prevents events as traumatic as horrible car accidents or as simple, inconsequential and rewarding as causing someone to stop and smell a flower that causes that person to offer a casually encouraging word to someone else I'll never know or meet that inspires that someone to become a doctor or scientist.

Occasionally my task list involves patiently waiting near a specific street corner only to wave a specific person through the intersection to brighten their day.

Sometimes I am instructed to say something unusual and rather random within earshot of someone walking past that distracts them for the rest of the day, therefore preventing a foreclosure on someone's home just in the nick of time for them to make the payments.

On one incredibly difficult assignment I was instructed to trip and fumble a milk shake all over myself while riding a skateboard in view of a young adult who was already taking themselves too seriously and on some sort of dark political path, instead of understanding comedy.

So if you've had some missing socks or an encounter with a loose lid on a bottle of salad dressing or somehow found yourself covered in coffee and you're still mad about it, I'm sorry. It was probably for a good reason, like not getting run over by a truck or voting Republican or distracting you from something so you could appreciate something else.

Magic is real. Smell the flowers.
posted by loquacious at 1:03 PM on April 20 [13 favorites]


*looks around nervously*
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:09 PM on April 20 [4 favorites]


*looks around nervously*

Calm down. It's okay. Remember what you've been taught. First, be smart from the very beginning.
posted by duffell at 1:19 PM on April 20 [30 favorites]


I am an actual neanderthal.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 1:21 PM on April 20 [16 favorites]


Nanukthedog: Time to don your tinfoil hats folks...

I can't. I never take it off. It is très stylish, I can assure you.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:26 PM on April 20 [1 favorite]


I’ll be honest, for 15 years I’ve been playing Metafilter as an elaborate text based “game” uncertain of how you win or how it ends and now this thread has thrown me for a loop. Is this where I confess I knew it was fake all along, post my comment and a colorful animation appears with a banner declaring me a “Winner!” with a free t-shirt a $5 refund and a gift card for a pancake breakfast?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:26 PM on April 20 [10 favorites]


Drat.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:27 PM on April 20 [4 favorites]


MetaFilter: a number of rather strangely influential people
posted by hippybear at 1:31 PM on April 20 [2 favorites]


The soteriological truth of Metafilter, then, breaks with the rhythm of existence; beyond temporal successes and reverses lies the supernatural destiny of man, the perfection through grace in the beyond. Man and mankind now have fulfillment, but it lies beyond nature. Again there is no eidos of history, because the eschatological supernature is not a nature in the philosophical, immanent sense. The problem of an eidos in history, hence, arises only when Metafilterian transcendental fulfillment becomes immanentized. Such an immanentist hypostasis of the eschaton, however, is a theoretical fallacy.
posted by dephlogisticated at 1:36 PM on April 20 [2 favorites]


Calm down. It's okay. Remember what you've been taught. First, be smart from the very beginning.

*deletes Chris Thile playlist from phone, posts AskMe entitled "Is there a kitchen gadget that will help me julienne vegetables effortlessly?"*

Whew. That was close.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:37 PM on April 20 [8 favorites]


I'm an extremely deep cover mole for hedge funds and private equity firms. My goal is to set up compelling arguments for socialist state and then destroy them from within so they can be taken over by the remaining rump private interests and we can finally reestablish feudal control over the population. I've been told if I perform well I will be given a small duchy outside Cincinnati, 2 banner men, and my heirs will allowed to marry one caste above.

Hail Capital!
posted by The Whelk at 1:44 PM on April 20 [28 favorites]


There is so a cabal.

A̳̞͉̜̟͢ ̭̤͖̘͖͖͍̜́͠Ẁ̸̰͔̪Ọ̷̢̖̜̦̜R̡̛̭͎̪͜D͏̙͙̥̱͉͙̳̣̀ ̡͙I̵̘̰͕̩͞N̡͏̭̞̜̪ ̢̧͉̰̜̰̜͔̤̻̳Y̨̳̝̫̘̟̘͓̦O̩͚̰͓͢͠U̵̺̭̥͘R͈̭̦̟̖͘͡ ̨̲̲̦͍̘͕̮͜Ś͓͕͘H̪̗͎͞͠E̛͎̪̟L̢̜͉̰̟͕̱̞L҉̘̀-̥͙̖̙̞͍L̛҉̨̗̗̩̺I̱̮̮̫͇̠̝̺͖͠K̛͏̧̤̱̻͉͙̬̻ͅE̛̘,͓̤̟̪͈̜̳̬͠ ̨͎̖͍̕͝ ͚̙͍̣̟̼̟D͕̭̜O̼̘͎͉̰͞K̦͈͉͜͞T̬̬͘Ớ͚͚͎̩R̡̺̗̙̫̺͡ ̶̬̰̤̞͈͜ͅZ̨͓̹͠E͝͏̼̣͔̗͕̣̻͓D̛̞̟̟̫́̕
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:56 PM on April 20 [6 favorites]


Soteriological Truth is the name of my Buddhist punk band.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:04 PM on April 20 [4 favorites]


See the thing about MetaFilter, and everything really, is that it's shrouded in a vague sense of unreality. Dissociation means 1. I'm not ever sure anything is real and 2. I'm pretty sure magic is real. So I'm always glad to hear that others think so too.
posted by limeonaire at 2:25 PM on April 20 [4 favorites]


I'm an extremely deep cover mole for hedge funds and private equity firms.

Are you saying that communism .... was just a red herring?
posted by the man of twists and turns at 2:38 PM on April 20 [24 favorites]


Reality is poorly drawn from a hazy memory of a crumpled up carbon copy of a mirror image.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:50 PM on April 20 [3 favorites]


I have to admit: for imaginary people, you are some nice folks in person.

(Hey, you NOVA/MD/WV residents--Harper's Ferry meet-up in a week, OK?)
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:52 PM on April 20 [3 favorites]


the man of twists and turns gets points for quoting the movie Clue!
posted by hippybear at 2:54 PM on April 20 [2 favorites]


Two takeaways, I forgot the alien beans, then the concept of "deep cover molè" aka secret sauce.
posted by Oyéah at 3:23 PM on April 20 [2 favorites]


Soteriological Truth is the name of my Buddhist punk band.

I think you’ll find the name of your band is scatological truth. still bitter
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 3:25 PM on April 20 [6 favorites]


Quack
posted by Gray Duck at 3:36 PM on April 20 [7 favorites]


Metafilter is actually a long running AI experiment
posted by Roger Pittman at 3:57 PM on April 20


I never kept it secret that my original identity was as one of the O.M.s (Original MeFites), user #206, "Wendell", an alias I revived from an earlier existence as a "wacky sidekick" in Los Angeles radio, and this identity is based on a domain name I used for a blog after MeFi's own jscalzi beat me to "whatever", and I set up here as a back-up when open $5 registration became available. It was soon after MetaFilter's 10th anniversary that I realized how many secrets, both true and delusional, that Wendell had and needed to take to the grave and/or Internet Archive. Now it is almost another 10 years later and I must address my longtime practice of a opting out of everything after a decade (and how my worst life decisions came from NOT doing so*). The secrets I have been party to in my second decade here have frankly been rather disappointing... as if I'd gone from the red pill back to the blue pill, and am now searching for a green pill. Over all, I would not consider MetaFilter to be so much "deep state" as "shallow county", which has allowed it, and us, to be mostly ignored, disregarded or just misunderstood by those who truly DO run the world. So my advice to the MetaFilter Cabal and its subsidiaries, the Clique, the Confederacy, and the Crew, is to keep on doing what you're doing, even if - especially if you don't know what you're doing.


* most recently a diagnosis of Heart Failure that I was given a 50% chance of surviving for 10 years... 17 years ago. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time - borrowed from Deutche Bank.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:20 PM on April 20 [9 favorites]


most recently a diagnosis of Heart Failure that I was given a 50% chance of surviving for 10 years... 17 years ago.

This will not wendell.
posted by hippybear at 4:34 PM on April 20 [9 favorites]


All jokes aside, I'm glad you're still around. You help keep the Cabal running.

Oh shit, I've said too much.
posted by hippybear at 4:35 PM on April 20 [5 favorites]


Actually it sounds like it did kinda wendell. But hey, enough of my yakkin'. Whaddaya say? Let's boogie!
posted by kirkaracha at 4:52 PM on April 20 [2 favorites]


My ongoing video game posts are merely a corporate strategy to sell more games. I'm in the pocket of BigGaming!!
posted by Fizz at 4:55 PM on April 20 [4 favorites]


I hope that's a shirt pocket...
posted by hippybear at 4:58 PM on April 20 [2 favorites]


According to this comment from the future, "they" force metafilter to implement post queuing in ask.
posted by forforf at 5:02 PM on April 20


AskMe has actually stopped allowing comments from users over 10 years on the site. New users still post responses. But older users are actually a markov chain made up from the first 10 years responses.
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:20 PM on April 20 [8 favorites]


older users are actually a markov chain made up from the first 10 years responses.

This explains cortex's experiments across the last while.
posted by hippybear at 5:33 PM on April 20 [2 favorites]


I knew It! I was pretty sure that I don't really exist, and here's the proof. Damn you, cortex!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:42 PM on April 20 [9 favorites]


Just to make clear, I have not yet ended, well or otherwise. Wendell ended well, twice, once here, and once on a 5000 watt radio station in suburban L.A... Oneswellfoop will live forever, as long as there are domain squatters (.com was snatched long ago and the squatter has put a price of $2495 on it, so it won't sell until the year 2495). But when I do personally end, it'll be swell (but not swolen) and I will leave behind a legacy of bad puns (Neil Before Zod forever!), psychotic station breaks and the partial acceptance of asexuality as a lifestyle choice.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:45 PM on April 20 [4 favorites]


eayqazq tupq ftq efdqmy ar oazeouagezqee sqzqdmfad!
posted by clavdivs at 6:52 PM on April 20 [1 favorite]


as if I'd gone from the red pill back to the blue pill, and am now searching for a green pill.

Don't you live in a state with legal weed?
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:23 PM on April 20 [2 favorites]


No no, a green pill. One that is carbon neutral.
posted by hippybear at 7:31 PM on April 20 [2 favorites]


it'll be swell (but not swolen)

This is a sideways take on a Groucho joke and I heartily approve.
posted by hippybear at 7:32 PM on April 20


MetaFilter was a branding operation by Macromedia to make a site to show that ColdFusion was a viable platform for web development. Joke's on them as they now still ahve to support it.
posted by Space Coyote at 7:45 PM on April 20 [13 favorites]


I have this sneaking suspicion that plannedchaos is really Scott Adams.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:42 PM on April 20 [8 favorites]


I am actually just Jacqueline's sock puppet account.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:58 PM on April 20 [3 favorites]


Personally, I should be looking for an orange pill because I live in the Pacific NW where it's tough to get enough vitamin D 8 months of the year.

or so I claim...
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:32 PM on April 20 [1 favorite]


You're so far south in the PNW you might as well be in California.
posted by hippybear at 9:41 PM on April 20


No collusion (or obstruction), but I have had shots of vodka with some Russians who were on vacation in NYC (near the Trump Tower, just sayin').

I will add that my life just became a lot easier once I accepted the notion that everything is a conspiracy or alt reality.
posted by AugustWest at 10:26 PM on April 20 [2 favorites]


At risk of stating the obvious, MetaFilter Green is people.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 11:12 PM on April 20 [8 favorites]


The pill I want is purple double-dome.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 2:26 AM on April 21 [2 favorites]


cortex is actually from the heart of Texas.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:40 AM on April 21 [2 favorites]


AskMe (green) is made from people?!?! AskMe (green) is made from people?!?!
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:02 AM on April 21 [2 favorites]


I am on team TechnoCore for Metafilter being an AI interaction experiment or learning experience. In reality, Mefi is a way for the various users to create enough data to get the singularity working right.
posted by jadepearl at 4:24 AM on April 21 [2 favorites]


I am on team TechnoCore for Metafilter being an AI interaction experiment or learning experience. In reality, Mefi is a way for the various users to create enough data to get the singularity working right.

We need more lolbutts to feed the AI, comrade. Someone needs to create a "May by Butts" challenge post on MeTa.
posted by duffell at 4:39 AM on April 21


Cortex is actually a cat. A very intelligent cat.
posted by daybeforetheday at 4:44 AM on April 21 [1 favorite]


The dangerous thing about cortex is, he has opposable thumbs.
posted by hippybear at 5:02 AM on April 21 [5 favorites]


I read that as “disposable thumbs.” Which is far scarier, actually.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:37 AM on April 21 [3 favorites]


All the weird stories I bury near the ends of long MetaTalk threads are completely true. But I’m not. I’m actually an experiment created by a team of AI researchers at MIT working with the military and the deep state. They tell me that my work here is providing evidence that soon I’ll be ready to release into the wider world. Then you’ll be sorry. You’ll all be sorry.
posted by Stanczyk at 8:05 AM on April 21


MetaFilter and its ever-increasing family of sub-sites is an over-complicated and immersive Internet tool that merely exists to remind you every so often that you just lost the game.
posted by carsonb at 8:36 AM on April 21 [5 favorites]


At risk of stating the obvious, MetaFilter Green is people.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue


🤔
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:25 AM on April 21 [5 favorites]


Disclaimer: this is a fun thread for fun.

Well that's exactly what a mod would say. Pay attention, people!
posted by carter at 10:23 AM on April 21 [3 favorites]


What would've happened if he'd grabbed both the red and blue pills and tossed them down together?
posted by sammyo at 10:27 AM on April 21 [2 favorites]


You don't want to know where a purple pill takes you.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:42 AM on April 21 [4 favorites]


hippybear: The dangerous thing about cortex is, he has opposable thumbs.

Yes. Like this.
*shudder*
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:48 AM on April 21


God dammit, carsonb.
posted by cgc373 at 11:38 AM on April 21 [6 favorites]


I've long believed that a certain ex-mod is what happens when a Library achieves Sentience, but until now I was too scared to even type it out in the open.
posted by Faintdreams at 12:52 PM on April 21 [6 favorites]


Is Johnny Wallflower actually a selection of dogs and cats carefully stacked

I thought the whole deal with the internet was that nobody knows this.

My pet conspiracy theory is that there are now only about 100 users, each with multiple sockpuppets.
posted by aspersioncast at 2:45 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]


>Is Johnny Wallflower actually a selection of dogs and cats carefully stacked

I thought the whole deal with the internet was that nobody knows this.

My pet conspiracy theory is...


😾
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:48 PM on April 21


Nanukthedog: " Is Johnny Wallflower actually a selection of dogs and cats carefully stacked on eachother's shoulders and wearing clothes doing their best to impersonate a human? "

Eponyparanoid!
posted by chavenet at 2:58 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]


I contain multitudes.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:05 PM on April 21 [6 favorites]


You don't want to know where a purple pill takes you.
But contact your doctor if it takes you for more than four hours.

The "50 dogs/cats in a human suit" theory is flawed because it doesn't involve the one species small enough and intelligent enough to pull off a convincing human suit... squirrels. I realized that fact at an early age when it became clear that Mr. Peabody was not the Bullwinkle Show 's smartest character... it was Rocket J. Squirrel. And the smartest character in the Hanna-Barbera golden age was Secret Squirrel... much smarter than a well-above-average bear. And Marvel 's Squirrel Girl has pretty much spilled the beans (or the acorns) on that whole secret.

But any theory involving massive quantities of Sock Puppets cannot exceed the Henson Constant, the number of Muppets resembling socks created during the lifetime of Jim Henson.

So it eliminates all possibilities except that the entire second decade of Metafilter is the result of a cage match between Libertarians and Librarians that the Librarians won.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:20 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]


What are your Metafilter conspiracy theories?

Everytime a mod makes a decision to delete a comment/post, that splits reality into two separate parallel universes, one where the comment/post is deleted, and one where the comment/post wasn't deleted. There exists a parallel universe where no comment or post has ever been deleted, and though unverified, there may also exist a parallel universe where every post and comment has been deleted. Though most members can only access the Metafilter that exists in their own universe, there have been at least 14 recorded instances (across all verified parallel universes) of a Mefite posting a comment to another universe's Metafilter.

If you've ever left a comment, you can't find that comment, you ask a mod "What happened to my comment, did it get deleted?" and the mod says "None of your comments were deleted in that thread", yours may be one these 14 recorded instances.
posted by 23skidoo at 4:19 PM on April 21 [11 favorites]


Ewige Blumenkraft und ewige Schlangenkraft.
posted by Splunge at 4:37 PM on April 21 [1 favorite]


It is weird that this shows up the first time I've been to Olive Garden (hoisting a glass for pjern who took me there when we first met, and my dear old dad, both of whom really liked the place) in approximately ten years. My sister had just broken a crown and we needed guaranteed soft foods. We talked about Phil and my dad and I had some completely decent gnocchi.

I have CTRL-F'ed for this and not found it. Please n00bs enjoy old timer Greg Nog's comic, "I Was A Host At Olive Garden"
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 6:20 PM on April 21 [16 favorites]


cortex is actually from the heart of Texas.

If you pay close enough attention to his interests you can tell that he is not from the central third of Texas, nor from the central third of either of the remaining portions of Texas, nor from the central third of any
posted by Jpfed at 7:45 PM on April 21 [4 favorites]


MetaFilter and its ever-increasing family of sub-sites is an over-complicated and immersive Internet tool that merely exists to remind you every so often that you just lost the game.

OMFG YOU FUCKING FUCKER ARRRRGH

God. DAMNIT. I think I just broke a two year win streak. I'm oddly emotional and upset right now.
posted by loquacious at 9:17 PM on April 21 [10 favorites]


loquacious: I'm both really sorry for you and am laughing uncontrollably right now.
posted by hippybear at 9:25 PM on April 21 [4 favorites]


THIS ISN'T FUNNY THIS IS VERY SERIOUS INTERNET BUSINESS ok no it's totally funny.

What sucks is that carsonb is as far as I know is basically unflappable and the only ways I can think of to bother or upset him would be to do something actually evil and justifiably upsetting.

Like, even if you went out and vandalized one of his favorite bike trails it would just mean more trail work to do, and everything overtly evil beyond that as revenge would either just be too much or would end up being self-smiting.

Holy shit he's just lucky I'm broke and don't really want to leave the forest and I can't afford to just fly down there to like, I don't know, vandalize his bike with Trump stickers or something. See, even that would just be self-smiting AAAARGH I'M SO MAD I'M GONNA GO EAT SOME NETTLES.
posted by loquacious at 9:54 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]


Many of my album posts are based on me suddenly being reminded of something I haven't though about in years. They seem to be generally well-received.

You didn't think about something for a few years and now you want to vandalize someone's property and what is eating nettles like? Is it harmful? I grew up in the desert where every plant wanted to hurt me, but we didn't have nettles.
posted by hippybear at 10:10 PM on April 21


Stinging nettles are actually good for you, but eating them raw can be pokey. IE, self-spiting, TWTJS.

You obviously don't understand The Game and how serious it is. He just ruined like two years of very intentional, mindfully mindless, blissful unawareness of The Game. I just lost so many points I don't know if I'll ever get them back before the end of my natural life expectancy.

There is no way to get him back for this except to try to win at The Game but this is a fool's errand akin to getting involved in a land war in Asia or attacking Russia in winter.

If I had the money I would seriously be on my way to catch a plane right now. I don't even know where he lives any more, but I have a particular set of skills and I will find him and... I don't know, make him smoke weed and eat ice cream until he pukes or something.

Hang on, I've got a phone call... I actually have to take this, it's a work thing.

Right, well, that was the Guild of Calamitous Intent and I'm arching out of my Equally Matched Aggression Levels or something.

Apparently due to his bicycle advocacy I have been informed that carsonb's primary contracted arch villain is the Michelin Man, and while I have a certain set of skills what I do not have is an army of terrifyingly feral corporate lawyers, which is at least a level 9 or 10 EMAL, and I'm only barely a 6 out of sheer tenacity, being slightly clever and dumb luck. Oh, and I kind of bribed the Sovereign.

Let it be known that the dozen or so boxes of non-ferrous and very expensive brass carpet tacks I dropped along about five miles of bike trail was merely a coincidence involving a late night shopping trip to a 24 hour Home Depot for DIY carpeting supplies by bicycle in Los Angeles by way of a back country off road trail, and it is not in any way related to any legally contracted arching rights nor an attempt at revenge.
posted by loquacious at 11:12 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]


*waggles full bottle of Stan's at loq*
Do your best, loser.
posted by carsonb at 7:06 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: AAAARGH I'M SO MAD I'M GONNA GO EAT SOME NETTLES.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 7:33 AM on April 22 [8 favorites]


I sometimes suspect Metafilter is an AI designed to have opinions just slightly different enough from my own to keep me engaged.

The actors they hire for IRL events are really good, though. They deserve bonuses.

It seems like a lot of effort to spend on me as an individual. (Maybe my retirement fund will make up for it.) But, I assume, there are hundreds of thousands of other human participants who all see a slightly different site and heavily expurgated versions of eachothers' comments. Eventually, their scammy end-game will be revealed, and we'll all be bankrupt and embarrassed.

Either that, or Metafilter is just a long-game viral marketing front for Allen-Edmonds. I hope it's the former.
posted by eotvos at 8:12 AM on April 22 [2 favorites]


It seems like a lot of effort to spend on me as an individual.

You're worth it!
posted by carsonb at 8:22 AM on April 22 [3 favorites]


*wakes up and stares at carsonb while furiously munching handfuls of nettles from a huge foraging basket*

Yeah, that bottle of Stan's isn't going to save you. Just you wait.

You'll know your day has come when you wake up and find "You just lost The Game" floating in the cream in your coffee cup. Everything you touch or see for the rest of the day? Everyone you know and meet? Fair game for The Game. When you shower and look at the bottles of soap or shampoo, you'll see it hidden in the ingredients listings. It'll be spelled out on the tortilla of your breakfast burrito. Instead of wishing you a good morning, your neighbors will simply respond with "I'm sorry, man, I heard you just lost the game." Strangers on the street will whisper it in your ear. Bus drivers, baristas, coworkers - they all know. You go out for lunch and it's the fortune in your fortune cookie. You look up, and there it is on a billboard. You'll hear it blaring from car radios driving by. You'll find it sewn into your socks, the waistband of your underwear. You'll have a mild bike crash, and when you wipe off the dirt, there it is written in bloody dirt raspberries right on your leg. You'll go to the dentist and he'll ask about the weird tattoo inside your lower lip and you'll say "Wait, what tattoo?" and he'll hold up a mirror and you'll see that it simply reads "The Game", but backwards and upside down so you can read it in the mirror.

And just as you think you're about to go truly mad - you'll meet someone. A sweetheart and eventual partner. After many years of joy and happiness you'll have forgotten all about that day many years before. You'll propose to them and they'll grow emotional, saying "I'm really sorry, I just can't... because you just lost The Game."

And when you look up, you'll realize it was me all along. I was there the entire time.

At this point you know you realistically have only two strategic options. You can either try to win by not remembering The Game, knowing that you will only lose spectacularly at some date in the future, or you can think of The Game every day, wondering if today is going to be that day.

I will get those points back.
posted by loquacious at 10:04 AM on April 22 [3 favorites]


And yes, this is all in fun. Carsonb is a friend. I'm also way too lazy to back up my imagination with that much effort.
posted by loquacious at 10:06 AM on April 22


And when you look up, you'll realize it was me all along. I was there the entire time.

The rest of us left The Game back at carsonb's comment. Why are you still carrying it on your shoulders?
;)
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:38 AM on April 22 [4 favorites]


MetaFilter: The words contained knowledge. Now I contain it. It is a little like theft and a little like feasting and a little like the progress of an infectious disease.
posted by nickmark at 11:02 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]


The rest of us left The Game back at carsonb's comment. Why are you still carrying it on your shoulders?

Why, you son of a... The sound of one hand clapping is going to be my backhand across your face!

*cackles*
posted by loquacious at 12:05 PM on April 22 [2 favorites]


Every time Johnny Wallflower makes a post about how dogs are better than cats, I assume he and his cat have gotten into an argument and aren't speaking to each other.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 12:48 PM on April 22 [3 favorites]


Heute die Welt, morgen das Sonnensystem.

French Canadian bean soup.
posted by Splunge at 2:11 PM on April 22 [1 favorite]


The rest of us left The Game back at carsonb's comment.
I quit The Game when the movie version came out in '97... I decided that if Michael Douglas couldn't win, what chance did I have? I have dedicated my efforts on failing at far more interesting endeavors... like MetaFilter.

And to quote one of the better recent comics, "Reptant. Nihil hic."

Also "Semper ubi sub ubi."
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:20 PM on April 22 [1 favorite]


Inside of every third MeFite is a tiny Stalinist automaton - only way to get 'em out is to just trap their head in a copy machine and try to wedge it in there with the cat.
posted by aspersioncast at 3:18 PM on April 22


wut
posted by loquacious at 3:59 PM on April 22


I’m made out of blood and electricity.
posted by Burhanistan at 4:32 PM on April 22


I'm made out of Kit Kats and Pizza (mostly pepperoni but some pineapple).
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:43 PM on April 22


I'm made out of bullshit and caffeine.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:46 PM on April 22


Some days I feel like I'm made out of entropy.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:57 PM on April 22 [2 favorites]


Okay, also less than 2% of Bullwinkle cartoons, '70s Progressive Rock and '80s New Wave, and a trace residual of Arby's Horsey Sauce (I stopped eating there when I was 19 and still can't get it out of my system).
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:58 PM on April 22


I am 100% made of anxiety about people picking apart what I'm made of.
posted by loquacious at 11:16 PM on April 22


I'm made out of piss and vinegar. Or piss and piss. Or just vinegar. Sometimes I can't tell the difference.

I hope it's just vinegar...
posted by Splunge at 12:11 AM on April 23


I'm just really glad to be here. Hey now! Hi there.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:09 AM on April 23


cortex is in the pocket of Big Crouton.

which is unfortunately for Bread croutons only
posted by tofu_crouton at 10:36 AM on April 23 [3 favorites]


We are not bemused.
posted by y2karl at 10:37 AM on April 23


cortex is in the pocket of Big Crouton.

What a crummy place to be!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:53 AM on April 23 [3 favorites]


Nettles taste just fine. Try wrapping them round a cheese.
posted by biffa at 2:09 PM on April 23


I LIKE EATING THE BITEY ONES, OK?
posted by loquacious at 9:41 PM on April 23 [1 favorite]


THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS (THE PENTABARF)

The PENTABARF was discovered by the hermit Apostle Zarathud in the Fifth Year of The Caterpillar. He found them carved in gilded stone, while building a sun deck for his cave, but their import was lost for they were written in a mysterious cypher. However, after 10 weeks & 11 hours of intensive scrutiny he discerned that the message could be read by standing on his head and viewing it upside down.

KNOW YE THIS O MAN OF FAITH!

I - There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.

II - A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.

III - A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).

IV - A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.

V - A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he reads.

IT IS SO WRITTEN! SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED.
posted by Splunge at 5:15 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]


Man, that just took all the slack out of my excremeditation.

I'm gonna blame Johnny and Wordshore.
posted by loquacious at 2:01 AM on April 25 [1 favorite]


(fires up Chemical brothers)

I'm going dance, here, now.

...here we go now
posted by clavdivs at 10:43 AM on April 27 [1 favorite]


I confess I went back to reading Carlos Castaneda, just finished The Art of Dreaming. My takeaway, fix your dream if you don't enjoy it.
posted by Oyéah at 10:15 AM on April 28


eotvos: "I sometimes suspect Metafilter is an AI designed to have opinions just slightly different enough from my own to keep me engaged."

Alternately, Metafilter is an AI designed to have opinions just slightly different enough from my own to keep me enraged.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:57 PM on April 28 [2 favorites]


MetaFilter's deep, you can get stuff out of it! Plus I like the way they dress ... the leather.
posted by petebest at 9:51 PM on May 1


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