XXV: Fucketh April 23, 2020 2:16 PM   Subscribe

Everything is trash. Feel free to vent your frustrations here. Fuck it. Fuck all of it. FUUUUUUUUCCCCC​CCCCCCKKKKKKKKK​KKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Fizz to MetaFilter-Related at 2:16 PM (214 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite

Hey, fizz, thanks.
posted by theora55 at 2:20 PM on April 23 [6 favorites]


I just had a caller at my work, tell me to “Go to hell.” I replied with a very chipper: “Have a nice day.” It felt good to say that just before they hung up on me.
posted by Fizz at 2:23 PM on April 23 [48 favorites]


Being a thinking, breathing, eating human who is responsible for the care of two much smaller living breathing thinking humans is not at all appealing right now.
I would like to become a small cat for the duration, please. Or perhaps a nice houseplant.
Please see to the arrangements.
posted by Adridne at 2:23 PM on April 23 [49 favorites]


you guys my housemate is not social distancing at all, like, he invites people over, shares spliffs with people on the porch, shares bottles of booze
i'm not trying to be a narc but like, he has had girls over in his room like 3x this week.
also i've never seen him wash his hands

he still had a job up until yesterday and his job involved working with chlorine all day long so i told myself he was getting disinfected at work but now he's not working anymore.

i talked to him about this a few weeks ago and asked him to take it seriously, and he said he would but HE IS NOT

i'm not high risk but i'm also not 25 like he is. seriously at this point he is making my anxiety go thru da roof. also i've NEVER been afraid of germs in my whole life until this, how do the germophobes among us even live? this is hard!
posted by capnsue at 2:49 PM on April 23 [26 favorites]


i just want to fucking sLEEP NORMALLY OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS NOT ALLOWED FOR ME

i will with my own bare fucking hands sacrifice one million innocents to hypnos
posted by poffin boffin at 2:54 PM on April 23 [19 favorites]


I have wrecked my shoulder and have to go to physical therapy which I’m scared to do because my partner is in a high risk category but I am in so much pain. Also I’m lucky to have a job but salary cuts and furloughs are on the way.
posted by HotToddy at 2:56 PM on April 23 [5 favorites]


My manager, who thinks of himself as a thoughtful, progressive person, and also is extremely well paid, has no kids, and a homemaker wife who does all the cooking and cleaning for him, just said, I quote, "Working from home is no excuse for lost productivity". The mind boggles.
posted by btfreek at 3:00 PM on April 23 [49 favorites]


Yesterday I threw out my back. By trying to tie my boots. Had to take a sick day in bed. Getting old is fun.
posted by gwint at 3:28 PM on April 23 [8 favorites]


I just found out yesterday that my school has decided this term (usually April to early July, now May to late July) will be entirely online. I get it. I’m in favor of it. I think it’s the absolute correct decision, and I was honestly expecting it. Hearing it yesterday in a zoom meeting, I had to work hard to keep myself from crying when I heard it. Among other things, it’s direct confirmation that I’m not likely to really leave the house, see people, live anything like the normal life we’re all sort of hungering for until, at the earliest, September, when I’ll probably be told that fall term will be online too.

There are some very real constitutional issues that prevent the Japanese government from forcing closures of businesses and making people stay home. What that means is, every time the weather is nice, you get shit tons of people flooding parks and beaches, ignoring that they’re closed, or that the parking lots are blocked off. You’ve got some fucking pachinko parlors (noisy, smokey, with seats literally shoulder to shoulder) refusing to close, so in the ones that are still open, people are driving from other prefectures to sit for hours playing the dumbest thing ever invented. The government is just sitting there, wringing their hands over it.

The government is also doing its utmost best to avoid actually helping any small businesses out, despite promising to do so very early on. If they can convince businesses to close voluntarily, the thinking goes, then the government doesn’t have to pay anything, unlike a direct order to close, where it would be the government’s fault for ordering a shut down. So a ton of businesses are still open because they have no choice.

All of this, all of the assholes in the states with their pickup trucks and assault rifles and fucking appropriation of “my body, my choice” and the assholes who no one at a press conference will ask “seriously, Governor/Senator/Mr. Orange Shitgoblin, can you give me a number? How many dead people is opening a bowling alley worth to you? Like, an actual number of dead you’d be comfortable with so Applebee’s can get back to business.” All of those assholes on the beach in Florida. I’ve basically been at home since the beginning of March, along with an absolute fuckton of other people here on MeFi and around the world, and all of these assholes running around, acting like it’s nothing, every time they’re out and about demanding a trip to the hair salon, they’re undermining the sacrifice of everyone who is staying home to keep this from spreading. They’re out there demanding their right to be idiots, keeping the spread going, forcing us all to stay hunkered down longer.

I’m terrified. I only just sort of realized how quickly I’d physically declined over the last month, and am trying to exercise at home now. I’m aware of the stress this is causing. I’m freaked out because I know my students are going through the same thing, and probably don’t know how to handle this. I’m nervous about the massive mental health toll this is causing. I’m terrified about what society will become when this is all over because to me, as long as this keeps going, as long as we adjust to things and adapt, the more likely we’ll accept them as the new normalcy,

When this all started, I jokingly said I wasn’t going to shave until we got back to school. I told everyone that the second it’s safe, like full on safe, I’d have the biggest barbecue I could and invite everyone. Fuck it. I’m shaving today. I can’t even imagine when I’ll be able to have that barbecue, and I know just how petty and whiny that is, and knowing that there are people so, so much worse off makes me feel guilty for the feelings I’m having. So, yeah, fuuuuck.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:34 PM on April 23 [59 favorites]


Today is Friday. There was a time that this would make me a happy, but it seems like such a very long time ago.
posted by daybeforetheday at 3:38 PM on April 23 [9 favorites]


Getting old is fun.

gwint, I feel ya. I messed up my rotator cuff back in Oct. and it's still bad, which means I don't have full use of my right arm; then last month I messed up my right hip flexor, which means anything involving use of the leg (like, oh, walking, standing/sitting, climbing stairs to 2nd floor apt., putting on shoes/socks) is acutely painful. My crappy aging body, apparently feeling that this was not enough, decided that now was the time to throw a major eczema flare, which means I'm not only hurting, and shut up in my apt., but also having the constant, hellish, unrelenting ITCH.

And truly, I realize that this is incredibly trivial in the current situation, but somehow the ITCHING has just brought me near the end of my ability to deal. Well, that and also that I've been running a low grade (99.5-ish) fever off and on for the past week; not getting actually sick, no breathing problems. But I don't know what that's about, and it makes me edgy, given that the current state of knowledge about COVID keeps changing all the time.
posted by Kat Allison at 3:43 PM on April 23 [8 favorites]


... it’s Thursday.
posted by Kpele at 4:03 PM on April 23 [10 favorites]


Every day half-destroyed by the unending obligation to earn money, and I'm to feel grateful for that it seems, as I, so far, still can work. It's relentless. Fully aware of what a whiner I am and how fortunate I am to be working.

I despise working at home. I can't concentrate on my tedious, mind-numbing work. When I'm home I want to do my stuff, not work stuff. I don't need work to occupy my remaining time and attention and energy, I have plenty of personal projects to do that. I just do it for money. I despise web programming, it's like nailing Jello to a board. Nothing is straightforward, it's dozens of components and multiple frameworks that are supposed to work together and eventually can be made to, sort of, but it's never clear what the hell is going on and modifying it is always a nightmare. Every three years or so, everyone decides that the current arrangement of tools, that finally kind of works, just won't do and it's time to completely start over according to a new idiotic canon of "best practices".

Financial situation with my parents, who have been supporting my disabled brother at fantastic expense for years, is reaching the end of the line. I'm sick with worry over what to do. All of this is going to land in my lap when they pass away, which should be fairly soon - they are now both over 80. They have been paying well more than I earn in a year to keep him out of an institution and with home care people. So I literally cannot do that.

Gaining weight, not losing it. I can feel my body deteriorating. Having fought lifelong depression to a draw, I'm finding it hard to maintain what happiness I have found in life.

OK there it is - you asked for it. That will do for now but there is no doubt more.
posted by thelonius at 4:13 PM on April 23 [61 favorites]


The President, your President if you are a USA person, today has speculated on live TV that we should try injecting sick people with disinfectant or bleach.
posted by thelonius at 4:27 PM on April 23 [28 favorites]


I am on my second Mystery Ailment since arriving in Chile last year. This time it's a huge cyst beneath my right eye that's getting bigger and redder by the day, and it's starting to hurt too.

I've had blepharitis and rosacea for years, and the ophthalmologist thinks (as I do) that it's related, so we're doing a heavy duty course of oral antibiotics till Monday to see if it helps.

I'm outside any major city at the moment, which is OK for virus purposes, but not necessarily great if you have unrelated medical issues. In general I've been impressed by the medical folks here, and I think my current guy knows his stuff, but I'm not sure he's seen anything like this before in this small city.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 4:28 PM on April 23 [5 favorites]


I live with my mother. She's 83. In early March she got the flu. We were worried it was something more but she spoke with her doctor at the time and he said it wasn't. She got better after a week and has only left the house since to go for a walk a couple of times. Given her age if she were to catch the virus there's a good chance she wouldn't make it. Which I think means she has to be housebound until there's a vaccine, which is what 6-12 months away if we're lucky?

Right now everyone except me are home all the time so they can interact with each other but once restrictions get lifted and say school opens again are we going to have to further isolate her in the house? She's a really active person and before March she'd be out of the house most days meeting with people. I'm not sure any of us are equipped for her to be stuck at home, isolated, for such an extended period.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 4:34 PM on April 23 [5 favorites]


My live in partner and I just broke up, but neither of us can go anywhere because money and the plague. Soooo now we're just two roommates pretending we can't hear each other cry!
posted by Grandysaur at 4:35 PM on April 23 [61 favorites]


@devrim: fellow longtime ED survivor here (compulsive overeating/undereating). Happy to chat by PM if you'd like.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 4:42 PM on April 23 [10 favorites]


... it’s Thursday.

For anyone in a time zone higher than UTC 0, it's Friday.
posted by zamboni at 4:46 PM on April 23 [5 favorites]


... it’s Thursday.

It's Friday Eve! Which is like Friday, only earlier.

So much :( over here and then to top it off, my kettle broke. I boil water basically every 2 hours, so I do not know what I will do until a replacement arrives.
posted by betweenthebars at 4:48 PM on April 23 [2 favorites]


Most days I can cope alright. Today is not one of those days.

((((MeFites))))
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 4:52 PM on April 23 [18 favorites]


There are some very real constitutional issues that prevent the Japanese government from forcing closures of businesses and making people stay home.

No offense to you directly Ghidorah, but can I just point out that this isn't true? Please don't give Abe and LDP fuel to change the effing constitution over this. This is something that's been really, really bothering me alongside the government's ineptitude re the handling of the pandemic, they're going to eventually start claiming that it's not they're fault people are dying from this, it's the constitution's fault and shift public opinion their way because they have been itching to change it for years.

Osaka's right-wing Ishii no Kai is also beginning to gain traction and this really scares me too. If they end up gaining seats in the next national election, Japan won't be a democracy anymore. It's probably already not really a democracy but at least I can vent on the internet for now.
posted by misozaki at 5:09 PM on April 23 [8 favorites]


I'm tired of crying. Can I just go through one fucking day and not cry?

I’m clearly not at my best right now. I’m very afraid of catching this and as a male in his fifties with both lung, heart and clotting issues, I feel like I have a target on my back. I live in a large city between two major thoroughfares less than a couple of miles from a large hospital on the north side and a giant medical campus on the south side. I spend most days and nights listening to ambulances going by. I can feel its future impact on my PTSD. I sometimes think of the narrator of the tell-tale heart, the sirens getting louder and louder, closer and closer. Seemingly eventually coming for me.

My older brother who has Down syndrome and early onset dementia lives in a nursing home and has tested positive for COVID, my younger brother who also was born with Down syndrome is still working every day at a plastics factory that produces pots that agricultural greenhouses uses, so he continues to work everyday, but they haven’t been given masks or tests. I'm having masks sent to him but they're coming from Asia and won't arrive for a week and a half. And one of my staff members, a young man with intellectual disabilities who used to do cut and paste database entry for us, has a second job as stocker at a grocery store. He’s been working for them full time since this started, but he stopped answering my texts and calls four days ago and, well ... Yeah, they're heros, but why?

I feel like we're treating these people with disabilities like fodder. Let it burn through these communities, who's going to notice. I'M GOING TO FUCKING NOTICE! FUCK THIS. THESE ARE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY. PLEASE STOP.

My wife also lost her aunt to COVID over the weekend. That was another shit show. She was in a palliative care facility for cancer when she tested positive and to protect the other patients and families they kicked her out. So two of her kids took her home and they took care of her, but now they are getting sick and can’t get tested because they can’t find anywhere with tests. Fucking Florida.

God the weight. The fucking weight and the fucking wait. I'm about to bust.
posted by Stanczyk at 5:16 PM on April 23 [68 favorites]


The reason why Abe's LDP hasn't done more is because they don't want to, not because they're prevented by the constitution. I mean, look back at the stuff they've been doing during these past eight years, they've ignored the constitution and "reinterpreted" so many laws but do they care? NO, but only when ordinary people's lives are at stake do they pretend that the constitution is preventing them from helping them out. I'm furious. I really don't know what to do.
posted by misozaki at 5:17 PM on April 23 [4 favorites]


I'm in the last quarter of my degree program and trying to work on putting my capstone project together feels like such a fucking joke. Like, who gives a shit if all of my best writing is arranged prettily on a personal website for potential employers to look at in the future? What even is the future?

I just want to eat cake in bed while sobbing and then sleep for many hours. No cake, freakishly unable to cry, sleep eludes me.

Maybe tomorrow will be (moderately) better.
posted by palomar at 5:19 PM on April 23 [17 favorites]


> daybeforetheday: "Today is Friday. There was a time that this would make me a happy, but it seems like such a very long time ago."
Eponstyrical, because today is Thursday. Thursday, Februarch 92rd.
posted by theora55 at 5:20 PM on April 23 [17 favorites]


I pulled the trigger early on staying home and the cracks are starting to show. Dad is a difficult man to live with regardless of pandemics, but his increasing... mental foibles/occasional verbal abuse coupled with the fact that I'm not out of the house working 40+ hours a week and out a lot during my days off means I'm seeing a lot of stuff close up that mom used to just tell me about second hand. After an enormous blow out fight over literally nothing! I have set the ground rule of "wear your hearing aids so you can hear what we're saying and if you're not I'm not talking to you because you get mad at me for things I haven't actually said!" It took a whole afternoon of just constantly ignoring him and repeating over and over again "I only talk to people wearing hearing aids" But he seems to be respecting the boundary- for now. It's amazing how sharp dad was after his fall- but it was because he was interacting with all these doctors and nurses and therapists... and I guess me and mom don't count. So now I'm contending with the fact that the brain scan that cleared him of dementia last year was probably correct and all his forgetfulness and not being able to do things is... an act? Or if not an act it's that he just doesn't feel the need to make an effort for me and mom? Because as soon as I erect a boundary- SUDDENLY he can do the thing. Mom's fragile in her own way and it looks like she's been letting him get away with it "Oh I don't want him to have another stroke so I just try not to let him get angry..." Like- it was a TIA, he's on thinners... fuck it- I'm not letting him abuse me or you. So I'm being firm about proper behavior and when he starts up with the "Oh you just can't have a conversation, don't walk away from me I wan't to pontificate about a thing that I know makes you upset!/Why are you so angry?/You said you'd clear the kitchen so I could cook for myself but there's a spoon in the sink and I CAN'T MAKE MY SALAD IF THERE ARE DISHES IN THE SINK" my answers have been "YUP I'm bad at convos too bad/You/You're 75 you can wash the spoon I forgot about like a big boy. Also I wasn't aware you needed to make a salad in the sink." It's maddening. He's maddening. I love him but I want to launch him into fucking space. And it's like- work has pivoted to edibles- if it wasn't because I AM PROTECTING HIM AND MOM- I could work! I have no social life- work and back with no other trips would only put me at risk but because I live with them I am staying home TO PROTECT THEM and bless mom she's great but I want to LAUNCH MY FATHER INTO THE FUCKING SUN.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 5:25 PM on April 23 [44 favorites]


And you know what? It's a damn good thing his mobility IS limited after his fall- because I fucking guarantee it if he was a more capable walker sans walker he'd have gotten Covid into the house a month ago 'cause you bet your ass he'd be going out grocery shopping so he could feel like a hero not realizing how anxious he'd be making mom. But since getting out of the car is such an ordeal for him now, he's content to stay at home. I can't believe I'm happy he was hospitalized earlier this year but if he hadn't been he'd have died on a vent by now.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 5:30 PM on April 23 [9 favorites]


One of the smartest and most inspiring people I've ever known passed away from COVID this week. He should have had a long career and had more books published; in a normal time he'd get prominent obituaries as a public intellectual; but instead he is just a statistic in what remains a wildly incompetent response.

Virtual hugs to anyone having a not-great time, which is most of us right now.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:31 PM on April 23 [32 favorites]


Oh, Stanczyk, so many hugs. I have a brother with disabilities. He is mildly cognitively impaired and has something like cerebral palsy. He works in an Independent/Assisted Living & Nursing Care facility, and I'm so scared for him, as he still smokes, has asthma and generally poor health. As a person who is mid-60s and has typical stuff like asthma, the Sacrifice the Weak approach is beyond vile, doesn't so much hint at eugenics as dives right in.
posted by theora55 at 5:32 PM on April 23 [13 favorites]


Every day half-destroyed by the unending obligation to earn money, and I'm to feel grateful for that it seems, as I, so far, still can work. It's relentless. Fully aware of what a whiner I am and how fortunate I am to be working.

I despise working at home. I can't concentrate on my tedious, mind-numbing work. When I'm home I want to do my stuff, not work stuff. I don't need work to occupy my remaining time and attention and energy


Oh, thelonius, I feel this so hard. All I want right now is to not be working, but I also feel like a monstrous asshole for complaining about being lucky enough to still have a job, but it's also such a mindfuck that gratitude is in order because safety nets are so scarce and overstretched, and even if I would qualify for unemployment after rage-quitting this job I'd feel like a shitheel for taking resources from people who legit got fucked over by *waves around* all of this, so I'm still working but I am so, so desperate to leave.

We went remote a month ago, reluctantly, because what the executive director really wanted was for all the attorneys to work safely from home while all the support staff kept coming into the office to Receive The Mail. (Seriously, the deputy director tried to wheedle the receptionist into spending all day *alone* in the office *in the middle of a fucking pandemic* waiting for the mail because she DID want to help our clients, didn't she? Later, both directors would insist that the receptionist "misunderstood" this request, even though this was exactly the script the deputy director followed when she blew up this same employee's holiday break the day before the office closed for the winter holidays.) Anyway, government orders mooted the Receive The Mail plan, but I can't get over it being on the table.

And now both directors are micromanaging the hell out of me, because I'm not working fast enough or hard enough, because I'm not communicating (translation: they're not reading my emails and/or conveniently forgetting spoken conversations), because because because, and I am so goddamn tired.

It's been crisis after crisis at his place for the last six months. I am so tired of the feeling that at any moment, some asshole's impulses can bring everything tumbling down. Is it so much to want to work for someone I can trust, for a little island of rational decision-making in all this draining, terrifying chaos?
posted by Fish, fish, are you doing your duty? at 5:47 PM on April 23 [15 favorites]


Replaced my router today thinking it would make everything better--I had a really old router--and spent all afternoon struggling to get all my other really old devices that manufacturers would prefer I upgrade back online. I'm almost back to where I was after spending a hundred bucks and a load of work / frustration.

So much stupid IRL and on the internet that I keep taking deep breaths and reminding myself everyone else is stressed too. I'm mostly managing to keep my mouth shut when I should. This is my big contribution to society in this time of crisis, that I'm presenting as slightly less of an asshole than I actually am.
posted by mark k at 6:02 PM on April 23 [4 favorites]


Sorry, misozaki, and I'll memail you about this, but literally everything I've heard about the lack of a stay at home order is that they can't do it constitutionally. They are slimy as hell, and clearly trying to pass the buck onto anyone else they can, and yeah, I can see this as a beginning of the push towards re-writing the constitution like they've been trying to do. Anyway, memail. And trust me, I feel the same way.
posted by Ghidorah at 6:14 PM on April 23 [3 favorites]


I feel like we're treating these people with disabilities like fodder. Let it burn through these communities, who's going to notice. I'M GOING TO FUCKING NOTICE! FUCK THIS. THESE ARE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY. PLEASE STOP.

I feel like you are absolutely right. I was at Winn Dixie a couple of weeks ago (NEVER. AGAIN.), and management were absolutely knowingly sacrificing their cart wrangler. He had no gloves or mask on and spent the entire time I was there moving carts, which of course involves touching surfaces every customer in the store has touched and breathed on. I was checking out standing as far back away from the checker and bagger as I could behind the plexiglass and I heard the checker say, "You shouldn't touch your face!" and when I turned to look, there was the hapless cart jockey rubbing his eyes with his fingers. Management had to know what they were doing when they kept him on the schedule. Just monstrous.
posted by Don Pepino at 6:42 PM on April 23 [12 favorites]


My kids miss their friends, and little things like bodily contact with people who aren't their parents or sibling.
posted by Joe in Australia at 7:03 PM on April 23 [6 favorites]


Are you feeling bummed out? Do you like techno? Go listen to some Kraftwerk. It will cheer you up. It works. Trust me. Start with Pocket Calculator.
posted by Beholder at 7:12 PM on April 23 [8 favorites]


This week I only have a litany of small annoyances, which is good, I guess. But I'm going to scream them into the void here anyway:

WHY IS IT STILL TOO HOT TO SIT COMFORTABLY OUTSIDE OR GO FOR WALKS IN LATE APRIL????

I love my husband dearly but he keeps walking into a random room that is actually clean and tidy, removing clothes and leaving them on the floor, then walking back into the room that wasn't clean and tidy. WHY DID HE NOT TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF IN THE ROOM HE WAS ALREADY IN????

My mother, who is a highly at-risk mid-seventies woman keeps getting itchy about quarantine and hypocondriacking reasons to go to the ER. Today is the third time in as many weeks. They keep telling her (after running tests and scans and exposing her to other people's germs) she is fine and sending her home. Of course, I will feel like a total bitch if it turns out she was actually sick and they missed it.

I finally killed off the scale infestation on my favourite plant, and now it has aphids instead.

It's my 40th birthday on Monday and I have a sad about all the things I can't do to celebrate.
posted by lollusc at 7:27 PM on April 23 [13 favorites]


lollusc - How did you kill that scale infestation? About to start battle on the green front... I will be so sad if my aloe doesn't make it. I've had it since before the millennium.
posted by amtho at 7:35 PM on April 23


> daybeforetheday: "Today is Friday. There was a time that this would make me a happy, but it seems like such a very long time ago."
Eponstyrical, because today is Thursday. Thursday, Februarch 92rd.


It's Friday in Australia, guys. Where daybeforetheday is.
posted by lollusc at 7:40 PM on April 23 [9 favorites]


Hey this is weird but on my mobile the title here shows a line of FFUUCCKK and then a separate line that says KKK!!!!!! Which made me do a double-take.
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:41 PM on April 23 [4 favorites]


I find scale pretty easy to kill with white oil (which I always have in stock). A couple of spray downs per week for a couple of weeks usually does it. If you don't have white oil, I think a mixture of dish detergent and water works too, but not quite as effectively in my experience. And you can also squish the scale with your fingers, which is satisfying.
posted by lollusc at 7:42 PM on April 23 [1 favorite]


Oh, yeah. I've been afraid that oil or insecticidal soap will harm the aloe leaves. Maybe I'll try it anyway.
posted by amtho at 7:59 PM on April 23


I usually don't feel all that screamy, but today wasn't the best. I'm working from home, and that's OK, but I miss my co-workers an awful lot, and I miss my office chair. And my mom, who's 82 and has Alzheimer's and has lived for five months in a memory care facility I can't get into right now has suddenly come to the realization she can't get out and wander around and get lost or run over by a car any time she wants and insists that I change this circumstance NOW. Which of course isn't going to happen. But she hasn't yelled at me and hung up on me in months now.

Better news: the semi-elective surgery my wife had to have postponed over a month ago will now happen around the middle of next month, and we are all excited about that.
posted by lhauser at 8:22 PM on April 23 [4 favorites]


Everyday of the current american administration I think: “What the fuck is wrong with this evil asshole and his army of sycophants” The most creative writer in the universe couldn’t come up with the complete random crap and babble coming from this trashpit of a human. I used to be a truly open-minded and positive person, doing my best to see issues from both sides and aways having hope that things would work out in the end. No longer. I broke. We are all fucked.
posted by gryphonlover at 8:24 PM on April 23 [13 favorites]


lollusc, what I've been mailing to friends on their birthdays is basically what my dad* used to say, that birthdays are moveable feasts, and some day, when all of this is, I don't know, whatever, and we can all get back together, it's just going to be everyone's birthday, all at once, for as long as it's necessary to properly celebrate. So, premature happy fortieth, and again on Monday, and again whenever it's time, which let's hope is sooner, but still safe, than later.

*I mean, it was mostly because my dad only had us every other weekend, and he was pretty bad about even that, but we can still learn good things from lousy teachers.
posted by Ghidorah at 8:58 PM on April 23 [21 favorites]


My torti cat Brandy turned 18 on St. Patrick's Day, which was also my first day of required working from home. On April 14th she lay down on the floor and made vocalizations that I knew meant she was in pain and the end was near. I took her to the Pet ER and when the doctor gave me the diagnosis I knew I had to euthanize her. Given a problem with her heart (third degree AV block) diagnosed in 2014 and health problems she developed around Christmas 2019 I know it was the right decision, but still she's gone. My four-legged boss made working from home during this pandemic a lot more bearable. I had even stocked up on litter and prescription cat food as part of my pandemic contingency planning.

I like to say before I got my cat I was pathetic and lonely but after I got my cat I was just pathetic. Now I'm back to being pathetic and lonely.
posted by Rob Rockets at 9:02 PM on April 23 [92 favorites]


Today is ok because I'm in the numb part of the despair-fear-numb cycle. It's not exactly healthy but I guess it's the best of the three?
posted by emjaybee at 9:51 PM on April 23 [3 favorites]


Well, crap. I haven't been crying but now I'm crying over Rob Rockets' cat.

I have been having a tough time and feeling guilty over that because mostly I am in a very fortunate place. I still have my job working from home, still have great health insurance, still have three cats, and nobody I personally know is sick.

But I'm in a lot of pain most of the time, probably due to mystery medical issues my doc has been trying to diagnose for a while. It doesn't seem to be any of the standard autoimmune things, but she does seem to think there's a good chance it's something autoimmune, which is not good in this situation. Plus, my non-ergonomic desk setup certainly at home doesn't help. Being on the computer so much has doubled or tripled the frequency of my really bad headaches.

I'm basically not leaving the house except to take out the garbage. The one time I really left the house in the last month was to get some blood work done, and I swear, my bike chain on my (fucking heavy electric) bike broke. I made the call to go ahead and walk it the last mile, but then I had to walk it home too, and then I was in extra pain the entire next day even though it's not actually that physically intense to walk a bike a few miles, even a heavy one. And while it's good to confirm, for example, that I still don't have markers for lupus or RA or whatever, it's frustrating to not know what is wrong with me,and now I'm crying again. I guess I was overdue for a good cry, but I'd better not cry too much or too hard or I'll feel it tomorrow and be paranoid about being sick.
posted by ktkt at 10:11 PM on April 23 [15 favorites]


This is great timing as I was thinking only last night that I wished there were a new fucking fuck thread.

My grandboss is getting polite/soft-pedal fired, and my department is going to be completely gutted with different functions integrated into different departments. This is stressful for three main reasons. One, because I am in the fun position of being as responsible as possible for this transition going well while not being senior enough to have made any of the actual decisions (although I hope/suspect I will get at least some say in where my own team ends up as we're a bit of an orphan function with nowhere immediately logical to slot into the org structure).

Two, because it may well mean the end of working for my immediate boss, who is one of the best managers I've ever worked for and has been incredibly supportive of my career development, and potentially the end of working on his management team as well, a team that I had a small but satisfying amount of input into building and a group of managers who are largely more experienced than I am whom I've been learning a lot from.

Three, because it's a big change to try to ram through while everyone is working remotely because of the pandemic, without the usual rituals of joining a new team like moving your desk and all your stuff and sitting near a different group of people. I'm lucky that we're in a bizarrely stable and fortunate position as a company, to the extent that "big restructure during a global pandemic" somehow doesn't mean layoffs or cost-cutting. Pretty much everyone should have a job at the end of this apart from the department leader, and my suspicion is that that's about longer-term company fit rather than a layoff as such.

So my job has gone from suddenly-remote and fairly quiet/low stress (after the initial phase of shutting down the office and getting everyone working from home, which I was also heavily involved in) to busy/high stress in the space of like two days. I like a challenge (and I feel good about the fact that I'll basically be rolling in credibility if I can do as good a job during this transition as I did during the transition to WFH) but I absolutely don't have non-pandemic levels of energy, motivation and focus right now.

I realise other people have much worse work problems right now, but, phew, this still feels like a lot. And I'm feeling sad about dumb stuff, like current boss promising to take the team out for Thai food, which we didn't manage to do before everything got shut down (I'm sure I can persuade him once all this is done, even if we're no longer working together directly, but I still wish I'd eaten pad thai at all this year).

I'd also been gearing up to come out as non-binary at work when the pandemic kicked off, and a significant part of my comfort level around that was feeling like my current boss would handle it well. I don't feel as confident that some of the people I might end up working for will be as receptive or sensitive to that conversation. Good thing this closet is large and not too uncomfortable.
posted by terretu at 12:07 AM on April 24 [10 favorites]


Thanks for the new thread, I feel like I only have depressing comments so haven’t wanted to put them in the other threads.

My ratio of good to bad days has plummeted since the normal ‘treatments’ for chronic illnesses are on hold at the moment.

Poffin, I also miss sleep, been trying new medication for 10 days and it has been a rollercoaster.

Even if France slows lockdown from May 11th they’re saying at risk people should continue to self isolate, and the UK is talking about the rest of the year with social distancing, no idea when I could next go and see my family.

In the UK at risk people have priority for grocery delivery slots but not here so I’m still having to go out to the supermarket (if I get sick I have friends who have offered but thankfully not yet).
posted by ellieBOA at 12:50 AM on April 24 [6 favorites]


I fuckin' needed this. We overall, have things pretty good. But this defective body that I can't get a refund on is really stressing me out.

As far as I know my SSDI hearing will be moved, for the second time. Unless something changes in less than 2 weeks. But I also haven't heard anything about rescheduling yet. So I also have to be prepared to go?? Probably another 3-6 months. It's been 2 years of this and 5 years unable to work. I'm so tired. The system is so broken. And it's really hard to keep fighting.
posted by Crystalinne at 1:49 AM on April 24 [5 favorites]


I have just kinda given up. I no longer care to be part of this reality.

My weekday jobs have gone to only two days per each month so it's ridiculous and I'm in an odd place of not seeming to qualifying for any financial subsidy.

My weekend retail work has cut hours for us long-timers and are scheduling the seasonal employees (because they earn 50-cents less per hour) to offset the temporary $2 per hour hazzard pay. Gotta love how they got good publicity for that lovely pay increase to counteract the bad publicity of just fucking us as sacrificial at the outset of the crisis. Getting few hours is good in a way because I'm usually in extreme pain by the end of the day.

So I've given up on reality. I am an ostrich. I look after my 89 y.o. mom, my critters and am otherwise at home. At home I either do nothing or am outside in the yard pulling weeds or building trellis structures or otherwise doing stupid stuff which eventually forces me to quit because of pain. I think I have arthritis but am ignoring it until I cannot move because of pain from overdoing just daily life each day.

Maybe the physical pain is my way of expressing the psychological pain that I refuse to confront. Yeah, that's helpful.
posted by mightshould at 1:58 AM on April 24 [15 favorites]


I've been intermittently coping, but the last couple of days have been...not great.

My mother died about five and a half years ago. My sister died about seven months ago. Now my dad has prostate cancer, and he spent part of last night in the ER because the swelling was blocking things off and making it too painful to urinate. Now he's catheterized for an indefinite term, and I have no idea if/when he's starting radio- or chemotherapy. He's pushing 80. I'm running out of immediate family members. When he's inevitably gone, all I'll have left is my brother, whose health isn't great at the best of times and who I fear will have a heart attack before he's 50. I wasn't supposed to be the last one left.

On a more petty note, I'm being expected to make something work for a project at my job that's already become a massive money sinkhole and has been delayed for at least two years. That would be bad enough, but I'm also being forced to do it with a software development tool that is actively fucking fighting me when I try to do pretty much anything, and with a documentation and governance process that seems tailor-made to interfere with any kind of actual development being done before the sun burns out. If they would just let me do things my way, I would have been fucking done already...and as a bonus, it wouldn't be costing them a minimum of £10K per year per license seat for this stupid overengineered fragile clunky piece of absolute shit.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:02 AM on April 24 [12 favorites]


I alternate between thinking about COVID and fearing I will die (soon) to thinking about climate change and the collapse of civilization and fearing I won't die (soon enough). I have been jonesing for another dog and have decided to wait because so many people are adopting while they are home, I figure next year the pounds will be overflowing, so in weird way that is some optimism? Next week I begin taking over full-time care of my father, 87 and 6 years into dementia. On the upside, I just ordered a really extravagant electric dirt bike.
posted by InkaLomax at 4:57 AM on April 24 [7 favorites]


I woke up with a gigantic zit on my chin the exact day I was supposed to give two ZOOM presentations back to back. Which is today.

Then I learned that my country's government wants to reopen big shopping centers, universities and libraries in a few weeks. I am sure this has nothing to do with the fact that the presidential election is planned for May 10th amid warnings of a big spike in cases that could result. Now that we're reopening everything no one can blame the election anymore, right?

I really hope a miracle happens and the number of cases goes down in spite of all that.
I do not wish to prove anyone wrong.
I am just sad.

Then I thought about climate change and how my country is facing a big drought right now and how thousands of acres of wood are burning even as the government is cutting down trees and "regulating" rivers - and I don't know. I want to live but I dread having to watch this scenario unfold.

I really need some hope right now.
posted by M. at 5:17 AM on April 24 [8 favorites]


One of the things I've grown to appreciate about my current job is that it's a very familial place (not in the weird tech-bro "the job is my life and all my friends are here" kind of way, but more that we all are looking out for one another). We had two employees die in the past two weeks (one Covid, one unrelated), and I think it's putting a strain on people.

I'm back in the office a couple hours a day because we're "essential" and there are some things I can't do from home. It's eerie and depressing. Total occupancy has been around 200 in a building that normally houses 1500, so it's dead quiet in most places. It's dark because all the office lights are turned off. I jump a little bit every time I bump in to someone in the hallway. I like these people, and we're all edging around each other like someone might pull out a knife at any moment, and it sucks. On the other hand, working next to someone in the lab is even more stressful, and every time they touch their mask or cough I wince.

We were told, "assume everyone in the building is infected" which I think is a valid precaution to take. But now I have to assume that I'm infected, and I can only come to the conclusion that we can't leave the house at all, now, except to go to and from work.
posted by backseatpilot at 5:33 AM on April 24 [4 favorites]


Our cat died this week. He was a prince, an angel, bright white, the best, most perfect, most beautiful, most lovely, cuddly, beloved cat. I loved him so very much and my heart just hurts so much. He was our baby.
We buried him under the large cherry tree, beneath the rising evening star.
I loved him so much and there just doesn't seem to be anything else that I can say.
posted by any_name_in_a_storm at 5:35 AM on April 24 [85 favorites]


So sorry about your cat.
((hugs))
posted by M. at 5:37 AM on April 24 [9 favorites]


any_name, my heart goes out to you. Every single loss just seems so fucking much harder now.
posted by vers at 5:50 AM on April 24 [6 favorites]


One of our cats *almost* died last week when he developed a urinary obstruction. He went from being fine to being nearly dead in the space of a couple of days, and we had to rush him to an emergency vet. He was touch-and-go because his kidneys nearly failed, and then, when they started pushing fluids to get his urinary tract going, he went into congestive heart failure. By Sunday, though, he had stabilized, and he was able to withstand anesthesia for a surgery to remove the stone that was causing the obstruction. $7000.00 and a lot of worry later, he is doing better, but the last week has had a lot of added tsouris.
posted by briank at 6:46 AM on April 24 [18 favorites]


I haven't touched a human being in almost 40 days. A close older relative is struggling to recover from the virus and a very elderly relative whom I despise has chosen now to try her hand at dying of old age and booze. I got laid off as of last Friday. I don't remember the last time I slept through the night.

And yet I'm not allowed to be upset because I don't have children and am not stuck with an annoying partner (this only comes from a few people but I kind of hate them right now)? I'm experiencing what I can only call situational agoraphobia right now, and I have to force myself to leave my apartment for supplies and fresh air, please fuck off.

It's not the suffering olympics. We are all having a terrible time. Love you all.
posted by wellred at 7:20 AM on April 24 [44 favorites]


Since their dad had to go to Germany to care for his dying mother, I’m home alone with the kids. Not sure for how long. We’re well stocked and get deliveries and have good-hearted friends and I’m a housewife so it’s going ok, as long as I don’t take homeschooling too seriously.

However, what gets to me is before this hit I had (what I thought was) a friend who I talked with a lot. I’m politically isolated as a lefty around liberals and we bonded over politics and theory. A bit before the lockdown he just...disappeared. I know through friends he’s ok, just apparently... not wanting to stay in touch. There was no fight or disagreement or anything. So I went through all the drama of the screwed up primaries, the suspension of Bernie’s campaign, and now this pandemic, without having anyone to talk to who even marginally shares my perspective. It makes me very upset to feel all this loss and not have anyone who sympathizes. On top of that I feel ashamed for even fretting about this minor thing when people are out of work, food, dying. But damn, it hurts to be treated like that. If we can’t even stick together at the level of friends, how can we do anything at all. It’s made me feel completely hopeless at times. And under normal circumstances, I’d say fuck him and go out and find other friends but well...I’m stuck here, dwelling on it. Screw this.
posted by The Toad at 7:33 AM on April 24 [8 favorites]


I'm so sorry that people are people are being like that, wellred. This is so hard for everyone in different ways. Suffering Olympics people can fuck right off with their idea that they have a monopoly on shittiness.

I'm currently pissed because the last two times someone from my extended family back in Wisconsin contacted me to "see how I was doing" it was actually just small talk to start a conversation on how I should really email my Grandma in the nursing home because they worry about her being so isolated. I don't doubt that she's feeling isolated, but goddamn does it feel shitty to only get checked on when they want something from me.

The friends that I've made in the past 3 years in NJ check in on me more than anyone in my family; they're the ones who have promised to keep checking in on me constantly if I get sick; they're the ones keeping me sane; they're the people I'm helping to keep sane. At least through all of this I'm getting concrete confirmation of who my people are.
posted by bridgebury at 7:46 AM on April 24 [10 favorites]


wahey! it's friday!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ti1D9t8n0qA
posted by slater at 7:49 AM on April 24


It's been wildly variable. OK at sometimes, rough at others. My daughter can be problematic - she has multiple disabilities. We had a PCA which made things better. We no longer have a PCA. My son has his own unique set of issues. The thing that frustrating is that there is no real respite. Sometimes I take my daughter out for a drive because she's likely to fall asleep and then I get an hour or so, but that leaves Mrs. Plinth to deal with my son. Tempers flare all around.
My brother has stage 4 cancer. Nobody knows how much time he has left, but this particular cancer is a real bastard. I believe the term is 'hypermetastisizing' - it grew while being treated. He's had a couple of hail mary treatments that are brand new immunotherapies which both failed. There is one other that is being prepared by the National Cancer Institute, but what they can do is now limited by the pandemic. Now he's found that they won't give him the treatment unless the chemo he's been on (which is supposed to be a bridge only), shows signs of improving his cancer. The chemo is wiping him out. He can't see his oncologists directly. If he has to go into a hospital and it's the end, his family won't be with him.
Meantime, his spouse has been freaking the fuck out 24/7 for the past half year because she's terrified of losing him and facing the world alone with their 15 month old son.
I do a lot of listening and a lot of crying.
And when I have to go shopping, wearing mask and gloves, I get irrationally angry at the people who are ignoring the measures in the store (one-way aisles, tape lines for pickup and checkout, etc) and I want to yell, "people like you are responsible for killing my brother!"
Some people at MIT set up a virtual festschrift for him, which was touching, although I feel like it was set up as a pre-memorial service, if that makes sense.
The hard thought that comes with this is "I've spent my entire life, 53 years, with two older brothers. I'm not ready for a 50% drop."
It also scares the hell out of me that in my extended family, fully 1/4 of us are vulnerable and most of us are living in hot spots. Guh.
posted by plinth at 8:03 AM on April 24 [25 favorites]


My condolences, any_name. I went through that early last summer—a cat who was THE cuddliest animal I have EVER known. My experience was, it stopped hurting like a blade around November. It still hurts quite often, but not as acutely; since about the end of February, I seem to go a whole occasional day without thinking of him.
*hug*
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 8:03 AM on April 24 [6 favorites]


What are you gonna do this weekend?

Oh spend all day in front of the good computer instead of all day in front of the bad computer.
posted by vespabelle at 8:46 AM on April 24 [23 favorites]


Ugh, wellred, who told you you're not allowed to be upset? Everything is awful right now. I really don't understand how anyone can get through the day without feeling at least a little shitty at least some of the time regardless of their situation. Anyone telling anyone else they shouldn't be upset about their own particular experience of this shittiness needs to be launched in to the fucking sun.
posted by Fish, fish, are you doing your duty? at 8:58 AM on April 24 [3 favorites]


I finally, after helping many other colleagues arrange their online teaching, taught some of my favourite teen students from last semester online today...and it was just so sad. The class wasn't long enough for them to gel or even remember each other's names (it's been three months since they've seen each other!) and they're just so tired of Zoom, and so over the compulsion to perform for a camera, that they all switched their cameras off and muted themselves. In breakout rooms they sat in silence unless I joined and prodded them. I was the only one with my camera on for a long time and while they'd use the chat and raise-hand function, I realised how hard it was to just speak...into a screen of black squares. We cannot compel them to switch their cameras on, but oddly it feels less secure than making them leave them on - how do I know what's happening? Am I in loco parentis or not? I ended the class hoarse and irritated.

Really, this whole process has blown up so much of what my profession considers canon. I'm reevaluating everything I thought I knew about the classroom - and yet I am terrified to throw too much away, knowing that this is not the new normal for education. Emergency remote teaching is not online learning.

Can we just run a Zoom chat and have a normal conversation and somehow still meet the standards of the curriculum? Why do we even have a curriculum? Can we still have fun? Or is fun not a productive use of our time now?

I know I am lucky to still be employed, on my full wages, and living in a city handling the epidemic relatively admirably; it is a huge balm to know that my family at home does not need to worry about me and that I can relax at least a little about the likelihood that my friends or colleagues or students here might not make it. But as a poster said above, there is no hierarchy of suffering, and I'm just so sad that these students I've been keen to see again seemed so uninterested.

Tomorrow's another day and I'm teaching some slightly older and more advanced students in the morning and hoping that's going to go better. Later this weekend I have a long academic paper to begin and another journal article to wrap up. And then, blessedly, four days off for the Buddha's Birthday and Labour Day.

All the best to everyone.
posted by mdonley at 9:21 AM on April 24 [13 favorites]


I managed to somehow not learn about the whole Trump/inject bleach bullshit until this morning. I can't even put into words how I feel knowing that people might die because of this kind of insanity. It breaks my brain.
posted by Fizz at 9:31 AM on April 24 [6 favorites]


(Also! All of this.)
posted by mdonley at 9:38 AM on April 24


My tupid gout is back - I was symptom free for the 90 days I was taking Mitigare and Alupirinol and so I stopped taking the Mitigare (doctor's instructions). Two days later, I woke up with a sore ankle. I was supposed to see him today but had cancelled the appointment, along with like 5 other non-urgent appointments. I just messaged him with an update and a request to refill the Mitigare. I wonder if he will want me to get another blood draw. I guess I can pick up some bagels if I have to drive over to the nearest clinic.

I have no problem being on Allupirinol for the rest of my life, but I would like to stop the Mitigare at some point.
posted by soelo at 10:03 AM on April 24 [3 favorites]


So much sacrifice by so many people.

So little progress in the battle against covid-19 from the establishment in the United States.

The landscape is bleak today.
posted by srboisvert at 10:04 AM on April 24 [6 favorites]


The relay that controls the whole house fan for our AC died. It's 10:45am and it's already 77 degrees inside. Of course one of the reasons we moved into this building was the pool, and it's closed. I'm already sweaty.
posted by Uncle at 10:39 AM on April 24 [1 favorite]


My father-in-law has been hospitalized for a week now due to shortness of breath, weakness, and confusion. He's had 2 Covid-19 tests and they both have come back negative, his lungs are all messed up, and their typical pneumonia treatments are having no effect. The current working theory is that he HAD Covid, and it messed up his lungs and now he can't breathe. He's on a CPAP machine 24-7 now, but there is no real idea where to go from here, when he can come home, or what his future looks like.

Meanwhile, I get to have a faculty meeting in 20 minutes where we discuss the implications of our university president calling for cutting 10-20% of our operations, calling out athletics, senior administration, and arts and humanities (my college) by name.
posted by chainsofreedom at 10:43 AM on April 24 [5 favorites]


Yesterday, our governor (who, as an aside, I twice voted for unenthusiastically for reasons that can be summed up by saying that she endorsed Bloomberg for President, but who has blown me away with her phenomenal leadership during this crisis) announced that schools would be online for the rest of the year. Kid Ruki is taking college classes in lieu of her senior year and the colleges announced weeks ago that the campuses were closed for the rest of the year but this means that she won't have a high school graduation ceremony. It means not getting to see her classmates one last time. I'm just so sad for her.
posted by Ruki at 11:03 AM on April 24 [6 favorites]


Also, I can't believe how much my stupid broken toe still hurts. I really wish they had given me something stronger than ibuprofen for this.
posted by Ruki at 11:07 AM on April 24 [1 favorite]


Today I am just really all out of good cheer. I am sure it's part the weather (haven't had sunshine in days...even when mostly inside, I miss the sun as much as my houseplants do), part hormones, part my normal cyclical spring depression, part...I dunno, the stage of existential dread that we're in, but I just can't right now. I'm glad it's Friday, so at least I don't have to keep it together on camera for my coworkers and clients much longer. My work meetings the last day or so have been so tinged by this soup of fear and dread and sadness. It's hard to work on policy solutions and lobby Congress on relief measures and develop resources for the community I serve when everything seems so futile and the president is off telling people to poison themselves. I know I have to do it. I know it's important. I'm just so tired and I don't see an end and I'm tired of trying to keep my chin up. And my boss is an adrenaline junkie, so I'm watching the fallout from workaholism play out on camera while we're all expected to be ON 24/7. I just want to tune it out for a little bit and I can't because paying attention to what our asswipe murderous president and Senate leader say is literally my job.

I'm going to dive headfirst into Animal Crossing escapism and hang out with Cranston and all my other weirdo animal villagers all weekend. That will be good.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 11:30 AM on April 24 [4 favorites]


Ugh chainsofreedom. Sorry about your FIL. And HAVE PEOPLE NOT LEARNED that we masses are all looking to the artists and creators and thinkers to get us through this emotionally while the scientists do what they can to get us through this physically?
posted by wellred at 11:38 AM on April 24 [1 favorite]


My wife, who I adore, is one of those people that has trouble connecting an action with an outcome. She likes to stay up until 4 or 5 in the morning futzing on her phone. She also still thinks of herself as a 20 year old college student powered by sugar and coffee that only needs 3 hours of sleep. In fact she's in her 30s and needs 8-10 hours of sleep as us old people do. Normally I'm not around when she wakes up, but I am now for obvious reasons. So she staggers out into the living room at somewhere between noon and 3pm and I've been up for several hours and am in midday form. And then it's "Oh wow, I slept really late." If I say something about it or even observe that's an entirely predictable result of staying up futzing on your phone until 4 or 5 in the morning and being an antique that needs sleep, I'm the bad person for hurting her feelings. So I have to practice wide-eyed astonishment every morning when, once again, she stayed up all night and slept all day.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 12:25 PM on April 24 [8 favorites]


So the Cheeto is throwing another tantrum and threatening to block USPS financial aid (thereby killing universal delivery and putting 600K+ people out of work and basically causing a shock to the system that on it's own might have caused a recession) unless they quadruple their package delivery rates and I just wish I had a void to scream into. That jack off is just flailing around doing irreparable harm everyday and if the GOP wasn't so villainously power hungry this man-baby would be out on his ear tomorrow.

FUC x K100!
posted by Mitheral at 12:38 PM on April 24 [22 favorites]


Before this started I thought I was beginning to genuinely recovery from my last mental health flare-up. Four years since my last hospitalization!
Now I'm starting with the numbers obsession again and everything I look at seems to be made out of blades somehow, so the schizoaffective part of the problem is coming back.
I would quite like a do-over of the last couple of decades if that's possible please.
posted by thatwhichfalls at 12:39 PM on April 24 [10 favorites]


WHY is my car still in the shop from a little fender bender in FEBRUARY and WHY do they keep telling me it will be ready at the end of the week every week for the past eight weeks without it ever being done. I just want my fucking car back so I can do a lettuce and parsley and cucumber and avocado pickup. I just want to make falafel and eat a salad. I just need some mulch and some compost, my seedlings are waiting to go in the ground.

WHY can't I move without a herd of cats following me in a meowing line and laying on stairs in the dark to trip me and murder me and eat my face in the overnight. WHY must my husband vape the vape that smells so terrible instead of the one that smells like strawberries. WHY does no one else do dishes or vacuum ever ever ever.

WHY must my child be in constant motion. He won't stop kicking the table we're sharing and it's jiggling my typing. Please no more wiggling, it's making me crazy. Why must he make so many small sounds constantly.He won't stop sniffling. He won't stop rubbing his nose with the back of his hand and it just makes this SLIME sound, ugh. WHY is he always suddenly and randomly gasping. Like he keeps holding his breath and then letting it out and taking huge breaths back in. FOR NO REASON. STOP GASPING. OMG.

I would go for a walk to escape them all but it Won't. Stop. Raining. And also snowing. And 50 mph winding.

It's all so petty but dammit, I'm about to lose my shit and I feel how I feel.
posted by esmerelda_jenkins at 12:49 PM on April 24 [28 favorites]


My migraines, which reduced in frequency and severity during the winter, seem to be making a comeback. I just took a walk to the pharmacy to pick up a refill of my beta blocker, and on my way home walked past a parked car, new and expensive-looking, in my neighborhood with a bumper sticker that read "Proud Deplorable."

I don't normally think of myself as an angry person, but the last four years have been really testing that image of myself, and the last two months have pushed it to breaking. I was overcome with fantasies of defacing the bumper sticker, vandalizing the car, getting into a screaming insult match with the owner, having a fist fight with him. I hate, hate that this is happening to me. All of the anger of the last four years, all of the sickening sense of dread that a crisis like this one would strike, the feeling of impotence to change anything, the unmooring feeling that the faith I've had in the basic decency of my fellow citizens has been misplaced, the sheer inevitability of it all... It's changing me, in ways I do not want.

I'm so sorry for those losing friends, family, and beloved pets.
posted by biogeo at 12:59 PM on April 24 [15 favorites]


We've reached week six of working from home. While we ate our breakfast this morning, my wife was downstairs watching Fight Club and I was upstairs in my office looking up bread recipes. So that's where we're at.

Salaries are frozen where she works, and one of my managers today put a recurring meeting on my calendar from 3 to 5 every Friday encouraging her direct reports to "unplug" and get away from work. Which, I appreciate the gesture but at the same time it seems like a not-so-thinly-veiled attempt to get people to actually quit work two hours early and thus not have to pay them for those two hours. I'm actually still at it this afternoon, as the developers I support don't report up to my manager and they're going to keep churning out work for me to QA.
posted by emelenjr at 12:59 PM on April 24 [3 favorites]


I think we're all already on the same page on this, but because it feels really weird to me I feel like maybe I should make it explicit: when I favorite your comments here it does not mean that your grief or loss or anxiety are my favorite thing, it just means I see you and my heart goes out to you and I want to acknowledge that with you somehow. My favorites in these threads are small internet hugs. Many +++s to everyone.

Unrelated: just finished catching up on the news and I have come to the conclusion that we are all already dead and this is hell. Nothing else makes sense.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 1:18 PM on April 24 [59 favorites]


Human Resources at my job has taken over $500 out of my bank account for insurance and benefits that they knew I was ineligible for. Not sure if it's fraud or stupidity but I'm fighting to get it back. I've also asked multiple times for them to give me my tax forms, they should have had them to me by the beginning of March and I could really use my tax refund right now. I went on sick leave pre-pandemic so the money is not exactly rolling in.

On top of that they keep complaining that they aren't getting my doctor's notes to them on the same day as my appointments. I've explained to them multiple times that right now my appointments aren't in person and they mail out the notes now but they just ignore that info. And I mean hey, not like the doctor is busy with anything else right now, right? So frustrating to have to deal with them on top of sick leave and pandemic and everything else.
posted by Lay Off The Books at 1:55 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]


I cannot post much about the current work fuckery that is making me swear a lot but twice in the last 72 hours (they broke it, they fixed it, they broke it again in the exact same way) another team has fucked up something that EVERYONE IN THE COMPANY uses EVERY FUCKING DAY and because the symptom of this that people are most likely to see involves MY team, *I* get to field all of the crap that's trickling down because of it.
posted by hanov3r at 2:12 PM on April 24 [3 favorites]


Three weeks ago I started a new job, which involved remote onboarding which has been kind of weird and stressful. Last week, I tore my biceps distal tendon, and had to talk with my new employer about the need to take today off for surgery and limited hours next week. Plus, being in the hospital right now is stressful too.

Anyways, this is both a FUUIUUCK and a YEAH because my employer has been understanding and supportive - they’ve sent a gift basket to the house - but the surgery went well and I’m awaiting the discharge orders to go home.

So I’m giving one-armed hugs to all who want them.
posted by nubs at 2:32 PM on April 24 [5 favorites]


Can an ice cream truck be my last everloving fucking straw? We're shut down here except for essential services, and moments ago, the effing ice cream truck came through this 'hood on its slow crawl. In April. In New England. How? WHY???!

Bonus effing eff; the song is the same as it ever was, twelve bars of "It's a Small World After All", over and over and over and over complete with extra toots and horns and cymbals.

There's a lot more I could be saying.
posted by vers at 2:46 PM on April 24 [9 favorites]


soelo, I literally feel your pain. Partly due to stress, partly due to trying to cheerlead the tiny Japanese craft beer industry (which I’ve gotten to know over the past couple of years, and have good friends working at/running breweries), I’ve been drinking a lot more than before. Before, I’d have a beer or two once a week, maybe *drink* once a month. With a full beer fridge and wanting to be able to order more beer to help out these businesses, it became two or three beers a night with Mrs. Ghidorah, and then, last week, my toe made its gouty presence known, and all of that stopped. At least I didn’t have to walk around or commute, I guess. It’s improving now, but who knows how long this respite will last. Best of luck with your ankle.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:19 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]


I’m just so tired, folks.

I know I’m fortunate, because I’m still employed, reasonably healthy, and my partner and I have not yet started sniping at each other. I work from home anyway so I tell myself that it hasn’t been that much of a change for me.

And yet... it has? Work from home didn’t used to come with a side helping of existential dread and an extra six points on the anxiety meter. I feel exhausted all the time. I have trouble getting out of bed, ache all day while working, and have trouble doing more than getting back into bed when done working. But the cats still need fed, I still need to cook, the chores still need done... and all I want to do is lie down and cry for a year.

Also: my partner, who I love more than life itself, is dealing with this crisis by being extra bubbly and energetic. Her idea of cheering me up is to be extra bubbly in my direction. I appreciate the sentiment, but right now it’s honestly Not Helping.
posted by a device for making your enemy change his mind at 4:56 PM on April 24 [14 favorites]


I was doing badly then realised because of stress I had missed at least a week of anti-anxiety meds. I took a dose and managed to only wake up twice during the night from stress. One of my kids is starting to crumble from the quarantine and I don't know quite what to do. For custody reasons, I have to hand another kid over for two weeks to someone I don't trust and the whole thing is just wearying. I am so freaking lucky in so many ways but it still feels like a throwback to the days when I was just waiting for the next disaster.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:07 PM on April 24 [5 favorites]


I hate that this is where I am at when the outbreak is so, so much worse and scarier at other places around the world but thanks wellred for the reminder that this isn't the suffering Olympics.

The internet and it's ability to bring American trumpian conspiracy theories to my Australian friends and family- ugh, just no. Australia has demonstrated that yep as a nation we are extremely racist (surprise! Not.) We don't need to add the loony inability to deal with the truth re 5G and vaccines to that. It was a slow clap moment when German and French backpackers, fruit pickers who are essential to our agricultural sector were racially targetted in a small town over the state border but not really far from here. Racism beyond physical appearance, from people most likely with German heritage. Well done Australia. (All racism is abhorrent obviously.)

The drum beat of "let us out" is hard to ignore: we've done so well at getting on top of this virus that people are complaining about isolation. Idiots, that's why we did so well, that and border control. It's the misunderstanding that some of the bans are to stop people going to hospital with injuries, like fishing. Still when the states are at odds there you can see why people are frustrated. I'd rather they let us fish before they put the schools back to normal.
Two weeks in to "flexible learning" and ugh so many parents who just don't get that it's ok to relax a bit. Also ugh people saying that schools are closed- learning and work is still happening!
Also ugh to the parents who tried to start school from home instead of enjoying the holidays.

I had my first mental health plan appointment this week, over the phone. It went ok I guess but I feel like it's going to boil down to "go for a walk each day and sleep". Hopefully it picks up from here but I want to ask about the depression, which is new, rather than the anxiety, which I manage with varying success. I also just want a chance to talk about the suckiness of transitioning to maternity leave when the end I had anticipated is so different. Also my wonderings that I have ADHD ? I feel like I will be treated like a hypochondriac but how else will I get help unless I examine the inside of my own mind? I just felt a little judged when relaying my past. I need to clear up that I didn't quit the counselling back in the day, we decided that I didn't need more sessions.

Work is tough. I struggle to motivate myself to get things done- it's like every day is a marking weekend day without the in-person accountability and excitement of "emergencies" to deal with.
Part of me wants to stay relevant and connected as long as possible, and part of me just wants to finish now and lean into the welcome nesting that means I am actually pulling my weight around the house and improving my relationship with my husband so much.

He asked what I was typing: I said I was venting. He half jokingly asked "about me?" I told him definitely not. He has been absolutely amazing. I can't believe how perfect he is for me. The benefit of WFH is that I get to see him more often.

Hugs to everyone who wants one. This is so hard on all of us in different ways. I'm trying to look for the glimmers of sunshine and enjoy the upsides.
Thanks for being here, mefi is one of the upsides.
posted by freethefeet at 7:52 PM on April 24 [7 favorites]


Can an ice cream truck be my last everloving fucking straw? We're shut down here except for essential services, and moments ago, the effing ice cream truck came through this 'hood on its slow crawl. In April. In New England. How? WHY???!

So, are you in a state with legal weed? Or are you in a state where people have to buy their drugs from a sketchy guy in a parking lot, or, well, from an ice cream truck?
posted by Dip Flash at 8:07 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]


The drum beat of "let us out" is hard to ignore: we've done so well at getting on top of this virus that people are complaining about isolation. Idiots, that's why we did so well, that and border control.

Mongols!
posted by Mitheral at 8:27 PM on April 24 [3 favorites]


Kids have been trapped inside for over a month now and an ice cream truck is technically food delivery. If I had an ice cream truck I'd be driving the heck out of it (mind you 19 and sunny here today); I bet they are having a pretty good day.
posted by Mitheral at 8:38 PM on April 24


It's Saturday today, another day I used to love. It feels like shit.
posted by daybeforetheday at 9:26 PM on April 24


I kinda feel guilty. I hit my peak yuckiness (or my nadir of happiness?) a few weeks ago. The last week and a half have been frustrating, but I after reading this thread, I feel guilty about being mostly OK today.

My colleague up in NYC hasn't been out of her apartment (not her building, her apartment) in 38 days. She has no balcony, no roof access, her windows don't really open, and various workers in her building including her doorman have tested positive (but are improving or OK). I can go out and walk daily (unless it's raining), whenever I want, and rarely encounter anyone in my complex except an occasional car, and I can drive around in my car whenever I want and feel almost normal.

My 84yo mother (a two-day drive away) hurt her back 2 1/2 weeks ago and for the better part of that time, she wasn't sleeping at all and no meds were helping; paramedics came three times because the pain made her BP drop to 90/65. After she'd already been quarantined a full month, her (fabulous) doctor made a house call and feared she had a thoracic spine compression fracture and arranged for a mobile sonography company to come to the house and do an X-ray. (She's not fancy or rich; he just didn't want her near hospitals because she's got COPD. And he's a really nice doctor and everyone loves my mom.) And it's NOT a fracture, just probably a bad sprain plus arthritis, but once she knew that, she was able to sleep again.

For a long, long while, my state's attempts to handle PUA (unemployment benefits for self-employed people) were so broken that for the better part of a month, we could not certify. If you click on "file your weekly certification," it would tell you to "file a new claim" and if you clicked that, it would tell you that you were not allowed to file a new claim, and the banner said if you didn't certify, you'd lose all possibility of benefits. All our claims for a month have said, "monetarily ineligible" and though though told us on day 1, "File now!" and we all did, giving our best guess to forms that had nothing to do with us, on days 6 and 10 they gave more specific information that totally screwed people who filed on days 1-5.

And the Get My Payment screen for the federal stimulus seemed to imply it thought I didn't exist. For part of an afternoon, this had a likelihood of morphing into an existential crisis. Maybe I don't exist?

As of midday today, however, the feds now acknowledge they have my direct deposit info and will be paying me, though I do not know when. And a combination of media pressure and, I suspect, some threats of bodily harm to some governmental officials, and unemployment in our state seems to be moving forward at a no-longer snail's pace.

So, no money yet, but a glimmer of hope. Otherwise: No clients, virtual or otherwise. No marked improvement over my already pitiful cooking skills. And I have not had physical contact with another living thing since March 6th, and that was when I got a haircut. And boy, do I need a haircut!

I have a smart blue mayor in an idiot-filled red county, in a red state on the border of another idiot-filled red state in a country led by an evil cartoon cutout, and no matter how many sets of Sesame Street stamps I buy, the cutout wants to destroy the USPS and everyone except my mayor wants to open up the tattoo parlors and the bowling alleys (bowling alleys?) and the schools and the restaurants and breathe in one another's faces.

But, knock wood, I'm healthy enough, my people (my mom's back notwithstanding) are healthy, my advice got featured in the newest issue of Real Simple Magazine and I just found out I'll be in October's, too, and most importantly, I still have lots of cheese in the fridge!

So, I'm going to call this one really good Friday after a bunch of crappy days a win and go eat some sharp cheddar. Germ-free all around.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 9:33 PM on April 24 [11 favorites]


"And yet I'm not allowed to be upset because I don't have children and am not stuck with an annoying partner (this only comes from a few people but I kind of hate them right now)? ... It's not the suffering olympics. We are all having a terrible time. Love you all."

I feel like everyone I talk to says, "Ugh, I hate this, it's awful -- but I shouldn't complain, I mean, it's so much harder for you with three kids at home!" and when I talk to other people I'm like, "Ugh, I hate this, it's awful -- but I shouldn't complain, I mean, you're suddenly fully remote and working MORE hours because of your role, and you have two toddlers at home, at least mine are self-entertaining."

I feel like we're all working so hard to be sensitive to others' difficult situations (because we're all good people!) that we feel obligated to downplay our own, but YO, EVERYTHING'S SHITTY ALL OVER RIGHT NOW. Let's all just give each other sympathy and support, and admit how hard shit is for us, and know that everyone else is there with sympathy and support. And like, yeah, working from home and having three kids doing distance learning suuuuuuucks (and I'm super fucking pissed that this occurred when one of my kids is learning long division because FUCKING SERIOUSLY, UNIVERSE? I have to teach LONG DIVISION?) and I'm exhausted all the time and doing tech support for 8-year-olds in daily school Zoom meetings is ridiculous and stupid. But at least I have three of them so they can interact with each other and not climb my legs 24 hours a day looking for (totally necessary!) attention. And I so, so worry about some of my friends who live alone who are suddenly quarantined alone indefinitely. My eardrums may be destroyed from the NON-STOP SHOUTING SINCE ALL OF MY CHILDREN SPEAK IN ALL CAPS AT ALL TIMES, but at least there are four other people quarantined with me. It must be SO SUPER HARD to be solo right now. (In fact I am video calling some of my solo friends and putting them on video chat with my kids, my kids get to talk the ears off someone who isn't me and my friends get human connection with small people who think they're AMAZING and KNOW ALL THE THINGS.) I dropped some food off for my pregnant sister-in-law the other day, and she and her 4-year-old son came out to say hi (from a safe social distance of about 15 feet) and I just wanted to CRY when I had to get back in the car after not hugging my nephew, we have a very specific hug ritual and he was hopping foot to foot trying to hold himself back on the step like he knew he had to. (His sister, who is 2, was not allowed to come say hi, because she doesn't understand she has to stay on the step.)

There is just nothing good about any of this, except how much we care about each other and want each other to be okay. Like wellred said, it's not the suffering olympics. It's rough all over. Even if you feel like you're comparatively lucky (and I do feel comparatively lucky!), it's okay to admit it's really hard and shitty for you right now too! I am taking my joy where I can, and counting my blessings where I can, but this SUCKS and I miss my friends and I miss going to a store and buying whatever and I miss playgrounds and I miss my parents and I miss planning for fun future events and I miss everything.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 9:45 PM on April 24 [30 favorites]


I was listening to someone (on a zoom call, of course) who said that it's okay to mourn what's been taken away and I just started crying.

After dealing with a boatload of parental stress last summer, we decided to go to Japan for spring break. We had so many plans, and it was going to be a lot of fun.

Earlier this year, someone broke into our house, but didn't steal more than a couple of small things. A couple of days later, someone (probably the same person) came into our yard in the middle of the night, sprayed gasoline and set it on fire (minimal damage, we put it out ourselves). We were really looking forward to that fun spring break getaway.

I miss seeing my co-workers, I miss my desk by the window on the 25th floor, I miss taking my kid to volleyball practice and tournaments, I miss going to the gym. I bought a bunch of concert tickets this year and so far two have been postponed; I don't know if any of them will be happening.
posted by mogget at 11:05 PM on April 24 [5 favorites]


I live in a house with a number of other people, but despite sharing an address and bathrooms and kitchens, we operate as five separate households. One of my housemates spends 3-4 nights a week at their partner's place (I assume. All I know is that they don't come home). Another housemate has his girlfriend over 3-4 nights a week (and sometimes goes to her place? I think she lives alone?). But whatever. They have chosen their "germ pod companions".

The other 4 people are the two couples I live with. One set is married, the other set is a new relationship newly (temporarily?) cohabitating for the quarantine.

I'm single (have been for 5 years), and the only person in my house who is. I haven't left the property in close to a month. The only fresh groceries I've gotten this month two cartons of eggs: one traded for a face mask, one brought back by a housemate.

I'm fucking lonely and overwhelmed and have such a hard fucking time taking care of myself or caring about my existence. Nobody cares if I spend all my spare time playing video games, not even me, but still I hate that it's my reality.

My executive dysfunction is of the charts, even for me. I just want one god damn person in the world who will claim me and share love with me. But over there is my ex and his wife... quarentined with the couple they're dating.

But no, I'm over here with insomnia, trying to figure out if I'm trans, and not not not not at all flourishing. I feel like a fraction of who I was ten years ago. Fuck everything about this.
posted by itesser at 1:01 AM on April 25 [19 favorites]


It must be SO SUPER HARD to be solo right now.

I'm sure it is for some, but I am so insanely relieved to be living alone through this. (Well, not alone, with cats.) I would be losing my mind if I had to deal with someone else around 24/7 or negotiate our level of safety precautions. The mere thought makes me anxious. I just don't have the spoons for dealing with any of that now, and I'm mostly too damn busy to get lonely, and if I did get lonely, everyone is on the internet/phone all the time. Luckily my cats are good huggers/snuggle buns, or i'd be having a much harder time.

But I definitely know people who would be struggling so much on their own on this.
posted by ktkt at 3:11 AM on April 25 [9 favorites]


A week ago Wednesday, I tripped over NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and fell on my right hand. It swelled up like a boxer's glove and hurt like hell. I probably should have called Kaiser but was scared of being exposed to the COVID-19.
One of my neighbors is a recently retired nurse. She had me wiggle my fingers (from a safe distance)and concluded, as I had, that I hadn't broken anything so just ice, elevate, and OTC painkillers for me.
I've slowly been recovering use of the hand--i'm finally able to hold a pen and write legibly but it still hurts. I can hook up my bra, but putting pants on and pulling them off are still an ordeal.
I feel like the guy in the Twilight Zone who breaks his glasses.
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 6:14 AM on April 25 [9 favorites]


Dystopian hell. I am grateful that we don't have the black rifle gangs in the streets; mass suicides, death cults; or people rioting for food.
I console myself with sights such as the local Walmart has. As long as they still have rifles in stock, bullets, and the one pound propane canisters; I know society will hold together. They have however; weeks ago sold out of all of the small exercise weights and equipment; that helped me to bind a little more faith in humanity.

I still feel like I am trapped in an unimaginable hell; some weird alternate reality - as if the early 21st century wasn't bad enough. Poverty, pollution, endless stoopid wars, urban non-planning, and now this COVID SARS series disaster. I can not wait for all of this to end.
posted by Afghan Stan at 6:49 AM on April 25 [4 favorites]


I can go out and walk daily (unless it's raining)

I, on the other hand, look forward to it raining because it means I can walk without worrying about the zero-distance young dude-bros with no masks because while they are not concerned about spreading a potentially lethal virus they are freaking terrified of rainwater!
posted by srboisvert at 7:11 AM on April 25 [17 favorites]


I went into the pandemic already burned out and exhausted from work. So I’ve been feeling depression symptoms for over a month. Everything feels pointless, hopeless, and worthless. Going for a walk, taking a shower — even those things feel like a lot of work for no purpose.

I feel really stupid for wanting a vacation, because it’s not like I even have to leave the house anyway, so what do I need a vacation from? (Husband, practically: “Yes but you still work full-time, just from the home office.”) More to the point, what would I vacation to?

The only thing that makes me feel a little happiness is cooking — and I have uncharacteristically committed two major cooking fails in the past couple weeks. First I tried to halve a cake recipe and spaced out on halving the baking soda and salt, so the cake was inedible and I wasted scarce ingredients. Then I tried to make sweet potato hash to use up some elderly sweet potatoes, but the recipe I followed had me set the oven WAY too hot and everything burned, again wasting scarce food. So even the one thing I enjoy, I just continually, incorrigibly fuck up these days. (OK, I did successfully make some pasta e fagiole. But even then, my husband forgot the Parmesan when he did the big two-week grocery run, and we can’t go back out just for one thing, so the flavor is off.)

But yeah. Big-picture, I don’t see any hope for the future. So doing anything forward-looking feels just grey and pointless and empty. We live in a country full of people who would rather let others die than change their own lifestyle one iota. We live in a system where a clearly-unfit, dangerous, corrupt person is President, and the checks and balances just let him run wild because they’ve been captured by a corrupt party.

Everything is impossible and no help is coming. Why bother striving? Why even bother trying to move forward in my own career or improve my own finances? It’ll all fall apart anyway.

I recognize this grey pointless feeling as depression. So I know to question whether everything truly is that pointless. But… it seems like it kind of is. Any happy moments will just be fragments snatched as the world collapses around us. Why bother?

Also, I only slept for 3 hours last night so that is really super helping my mental state.
posted by snowmentality at 7:12 AM on April 25 [8 favorites]


We drove to Cedar Creek Park to take a walk on the Great Allegheny Passage. And it was fine on our walk out as it was still early-ish and people were making a conscious effort to stay away from each other. People said "good morning!" and meant it. I could feel the darkness start to lift a little, in the sunshine and warmth and the process of admiring the pretty wildflowers.

But the walk back? Not so fine. The trail started to fill up and there were two women intentionally walking on the wrong side of the trail, deliberately and with malicious intent taking up enough space to make it difficult for my little family to get around them. And I silently seethed.

Spouse asked if I wanted for us to take a drive. And I wanted to take a drive. But I needed a restroom and did not feel safe stopping at a gas station. So we came home. And the closer we came to home, the more the darkness descended and the angrier I got at those women.

Today is also three years to the day that my mom passed away suddenly, so there is that too.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 10:21 AM on April 25 [8 favorites]


From the "Unemployment Insurance Is Designed To Be Difficult Fuck You Very Much" files:

I got laid off back in Jan of 2019. Ohio UI gives you the option of having your money direct deposited to a normal checking account - which requires you to mail them a voided check by snail mail - or to a special Visa-backed debit card. Knowing that I was only going to be laid off for a month plus change, I figured, "why wait for them to verify a check, I'll just sign up for the debit card, buy food with that & pay all my other bills with what's still in the checking account (or tell them to go pound sand for a month)." And that worked out OK.

So THIS time around, with my entire industry shut down for who knows how long, I started the online filing process as quick as I could, and since my info & specialty debit card was already on file from last year, I just went with that. (Again, why try to snail mail a check, especially when the Ohio system was already overloaded in March (!!!!))

Wait for money.

Wait for money.

Wait for money.

Wait for money.

OH, Jeez, finally I get an email saying my payments have been processed.

Check the debit card account - no money.

Check the fine print - "Oh, OK, it will still take 2-3 business days for the money to actually get to my debit card" (WHY? WHAT THE FUCK! THIS CARD EXISTS PRIMARILY FOR UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS, THE FUCKING STATE OF OHIO IS ISSUING THE MONEY THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BOUNCE A DAMN CHECK!)

OK, fine, deep breath, I'll chill for a couple of days.

This morning - HEY MONEY!! GREAT I'll pay some bills.

OK, how do I transfer to my regular checking account? Answer: NOPE can't do that, this special unemployment debit card doesn't allow that. Flat out. Apparently that's a "special" benefit for customers who aren't out-of-work loser leeches like you.

Can I set it up to "Bill pay" to my checking account? A: NOPE!

Because apparently there is a database of already created "Bill pay" accounts in the debit card system. It will search through these already created accounts, but if the info you try to enter does not match exactly with one of these existing accounts, it won't let you add a bill payee. "Incorrect" account number (MOTHERFUCKER IT'S MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER I"M LOOKING RIGHT AT IT - SPACES, DASHES, NO SPACES, NOPE!), "wrong" zip code (MOTHERFUCKER THE ZIP CODE IS RIGHT THERE ON MY DAMN PAPER BILL), wrong phone number, something stalls the entire process. I try this with utilities, credit cards, FUCKING NOTHING WORKS.

The ONLY thing I can pay online via the debit card is my electric bill.

OK FUCKING FINE. Well, the system gives you an option to create your own "BILL PAYEE" record, so OK I'll try THAT. Enter name, and account number and address and blah blah blah and the last line is "phone number".

Type 1-800 phone number into the field (WHICH IS THE ONLY PHONE NUMBER THAT EXISTS), press "submit." Bloonk! Pop Up. "Please enter a valid phone number."

Hmmmm. Scroll through the little field - looks like the last numbers got cut off? I'll try again.

Bloonk! Pop Up. "Please enter a valid phone number."

Oooooookaaaayyyy? maybe it doesn't like the 1 first? try again just 800 & number

Bloonk! Pop Up. "Please enter a valid phone number."

Skip the dashes just put spaces?

Bloonk! Pop Up. "Please enter a valid phone number."

don't put spaces at all?

Bloonk! Pop Up. "Please enter a valid phone number."

Scroll through data field again . . . . WTF THE LAST NUMBERS ARE STILL GETTING CUT OFF!!!!

WHICH MEANS IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2021 THE FUCKING SYSTEM CAN ONLY HANDLE SEVEN-DIGIT PHONE NUMBERS!!!!?? WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK?

Teeth gritted, what the hell I'll try just the last seven digits.

Bloonk! Pop Up. "Please enter a valid phone number."

Apparently a glutton for punishment, I try this whole process again with every possible bill I might have to pay.

EVERY time the "valid phone number" thing stops it in its tracks.

So.

Now I have some money.

What can I do with that money? I can go to a physical store and buy stuff. If it's not a thing I'm buying at a store? I guess I'm shit out of luck. The money might as well not even be there.

Can I call the debit card customer assistance number? Sure, if I want to hear a busy signal.

I went ahead and (supposedly) changed my UI payment preferences on the Ohio UI website. To my normal checking account. Judging from how things have been going, in 3 weeks I'll get a snail mail letter asking me to snail mail them a voided check.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk about "How I spent my Saturday morning getting boned by an unemployment system built to fail."

I'm going for a fucking walk.
posted by soundguy99 at 10:26 AM on April 25 [32 favorites]


On Friday, the local classical station re-played a concert I sang in in November, Mozart's Requiem. A full orchestra and around 80 people in the choir. It was so wonderful to hear, not least because you rarely get to hear your own concerts the way the audience hears them. But it was also depressing to wonder when I'll get to do something so big and fulfilling again. I can still so clearly picture all the hours we spent in rehearsal poring over one tiny subsection at a time of this huge work. Everyone sort of sighs and trudges through the really busy rehearsal times when you're tired, and it's all worth it when you get this glorious final thing. But when will we be able to even start rehearsals again?
posted by nakedmolerats at 12:51 PM on April 25 [9 favorites]


It must be SO SUPER HARD to be solo right now.

Possibly for some, not for me. One of the silver linings to all of this is I only have to mind my own feelings. Meanwhile, my idiot local library (I sub occasionally but do not work there) paid a bill for web hosting in Nov, the check was never cashed and yesterday they woke up to no website, and their hosting company had no website. O_O So panic ensued, they do not have backups, do not even know this is a thing. I start trying to solve this problem simultaneously planning for no-more-website (i.e.scraping from Internet Archive who they have never heard of) and also planning for fixing this (i.e. begging and pleading with hosting company's hosting company).

I get a domain redirect up to what I think is a very nice little emergency site but it only works sometimes because of some HTTPS shit I can not figure out. Meanwhile I had shit to do today (yesterday) but even though no one is telling me this is a website emergency, it kinda is. So as I am just trying to figure out who from the old hosting company to start hassling about this, the librarians are also emailing the guy who built the site (seven years ago, who I am sure wishes he had never heard of this library) to get him to help. He pulls the COVID-19 card with the host's host and they give us a backup of the site, but it's just the files not the site. The librarian CALLS me (I hate the phone) just to ask "Hey if we DID have backups, where would they be?" and again O_O

Long story short the man who built the site also hosts other sites at the host's host so he gets the site back up (he says) but then I have to UNDO my redirect which I admit I am not sure how to do, so I have to make another phone call at 10:45 last night to get it working. And OMG it fucking works. I go to bed with my teeth still clenched and wake up this morning and the first thing I do is BACK THE FUCKING THING UP. The librarian tells me to add these hours to my timesheet and I'm not sure that doing this stuff at librarian rates (at my small town library: $15/hour-ish) is actually better than just doing it for free and having it be a favor. Thank you for this thread I have been homicidal since this all started.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 12:58 PM on April 25 [26 favorites]


Like someone upthread, I hate working from home. So much. I have things I want to do at home and they aren't work. I'm completely unmotivated and I keep falling into panic attacks and way too much of the time I just - can't. But I need this job, even if I don't like it, people and two dogs and a cat I don't even like are depending on me. I have to work. It's not like there are any other jobs out there right now but somehow the sinking feeling of trapped desperation is not making me love my job or get motivated. I keep trying and failing to work. I keep completely forgetting things, which I recognize as a symptom of having been on the antidepressants too long but I am not going off them this time, oh no, nosirreee. My boss is frustrated with me and I am frustrated with her, which was already the case before the plague. I think I'm in trouble right now for going awol at 3:00 on Thursday afternoon. I just put it on the calendar: leaving early. I left and took the dogs to the beach. I did not answer a phone call. What is she going to do, write me up for leaving 2 hours early on one day during a fucking global pandemic? And I won't feel like myself again until Sunday afternoon and then it will be time to go back to work on Monday and FUUUUUCKKKKKK.

Meanwhile, all the things I want to do at home aren't getting done. Nothing is getting done and that includes the dishes. Time is simultaneously zooming by fast and dragging so very slow.

Six weeks or so ago, just as the plague was really getting started, the city water department showed up and told me that my sewer pipe is broken where it meets the main. So is my across the street neighbors. The city said it was our responsibility to fix it, which entails tearing up the CITY STREET and I had no idea how to proceed and the city was no help at all although they told me if I didn't get it fixed they would turn off my water. The neighbor, who is literally 21 and a newly minted electrician, said he had cousins who could fix it. This is a small town full of entrenched families where I am a stranger. Awesome, I said, just let me know how much. Then he ghosted. He is never home. I suspect he is not really social distancing. I do not know. He's definitely not interested in chatting with me about sewers.

Two weeks ago the whole city water department came back with extra plumbers and tested it all again, coming up with the same verdict. I went to my other neighbor, who is a contractor and told me when I moved in that he could help me with excavation or other work. He came over and sniffed at first neighbor's cousins. "Cousins?" he said, "His cousins are MY kids and they aren't doing this for him, I'll tell you that." "Oh," I said humbly, and I listened to him tell me why he doesn't want to work in this town - too many restrictions, he says, too many permits needed. But he said he would think about this and get back to me.

That was a week ago and nothing, no word, and I feel that he is quietly telling me he does not want this job. Meanwhile, calling other plumbers seems to be too hard for me. Also, the oven died, my microwave died and the cat, who I think is senile, peed on my bed again. I want to replace the ancient electric range with a gas range but it will mean running a gas line into the kitchen and I don't even know who to call so I'm just baking bread in the toaster oven and being frozen and motionless. All I can say is FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKK
and all of this, just life and poverty and so on was hard enough in the before times but now? Now I just can't. I just can't.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:18 PM on April 25 [18 favorites]


I keep fixating on how hard it would be to manage my late husbands feelings and mental illness during this time and then feeling horribly guilty for feeling relieved not to be cohabiting with him during this time and even worse because his birthday is in three days and he''s been gone for 7.5 years and I am a terrible monster for feeling relieved not to be dealing with his bipolar man-babyness at this time, let alone his immune suppression and medical needs and my constant terror that he would get the virus and die.
posted by buildmyworld at 1:36 PM on April 25 [20 favorites]


The last time I touched another person, the day before the lockdown here in early March, was a goodbye kiss after having been broken up with.

The relationship was only just starting out. We (I'll call her J.) had been seeing one another for months, though, but only defined it as dating retrospectively. We exchanged so many e-mails and texts, had meetings which would last for hours and hours. When we first confessed our feelings for each other and kissed afterwards, I felt sooo elated. It has been years since I've felt this strongly about someone. After that, we eagerly made plans to see each other again soon. Then the coronacrisis hit and those plans (museum visit, theatre) fell through. She decided to move to her parents' place outside the city and - oh, cruel coincidence - she meets her ex on the bus ride there. She calls me to tell me and says she's left feeling confused by everything that's happening. We decide to meet to talk things over, and at that point she tells me she feels too apprehensive and can't go through with it. I'm left feeling crushed. (In the weeks after, I keep finding her long black hair all over my appartement; she had mentioned that might happen. Every time, this almost brings me to tears.)

I live alone. It's been seven weeks now since I've been to my office at work, seen my colleagues, parents, most of my friends. (Seven weeks...) I've seen my brother twice, a friend once, all at a safe distance of course. I am struggling immensely to keep up working from home, but know from past experience that this arrangement just does not work for me. I am dependent on 'outside forces' keeping me going: routines, places to be, meetings to attend, classes to teach. Now there's just this vacuum. Mental health has been a lifelong struggle and this is so, so, so hard.

But the hardest part is that my mind is constantly drifting to J.

Yesterday I was out on an evening walk. I wanted to clear my thoughts. I'm strolling along the river and suddenly catch a glimpse of her, on a bench, with her parents. I am so utterly shocked, that I reflexively look the other way and walk on. I go and sit on a bench some distance away and try to gather my thoughts. Did they see me? What are they doing here? Should I go and talk to them? Why is this happening? I finally decide to go back and at least say hi to them, but when I'm approaching the bench where they're still sitting, I feel the same paralysis and again, I walk past without saying anything. They must have seen me, I imagine, and think I'm crazy, or rude, or angry, or... What kind of a person am I? I walk home in a state of near-panic. I've slept two hours after that.

This would be hard any other time. But now, I can barely cope. I know everyone's suffering, know I'm not alone, know many others are having it worse, but... This is so hard and I feel desperate.
posted by Desertshore at 1:50 AM on April 26 [12 favorites]


Oh, and did I mention that my downstairs neighbors are still hosting parties. Yep, parties. Sitting outside drinking and smoking with their ~10 best friends.

So yep, I'm sequestered inside. Which I can handle with no other people up in my business, thank goodness, but it sucks to feel like I can't open the windows now that spring is here. (Besides smoke being horrible for your lungs, it is likely to trigger even more nasty headaches, and I already have enough of those.)
posted by ktkt at 1:52 AM on April 26 [3 favorites]


ARGH I hate lesson planning with a passion. I admit I am THAT teacher that loves winging it. I feel like an extremely crappy

Also, I HATE this uncertainty of people pushing for a return to kids in schools. It's all the government (federal) cares about. Victoria went first and hardest (I think, memory is fuzzy) and will probably still be out the longest. They said that they wanted to give us certainty and give us all of Term 2 as remote learning. I just.. I just can't cope with having settled that I won't be going to school again before my maternity leave (4 more weeks) and then it CHANGING ON ME. I hate change. I hate uncertainty.

The EMAIL. The planned roll over to a better system with bigger inboxes was understandably postponed. AND NOW MY INBOX IS FULL GRR and I have to go through and delete stuff. again.

AND I still have FRICKING MARKING to do.

I JUST HATE HATE HATE HATE that I still have to deal with my own self through this stupid thing.

ALSO. Today is SUNDAY. We still have church on youtube. It really isn't the same and I think it's because I need the atmosphere, the singing, the space, to align my spirit like a magnet can be used to align a nail. And I hate this the most because my spiritual practice is where I am grounded the most, and being disconnected here too just is threatening to send me really around the bend.

And the more that I think about my counsellor- therapist, whatever, I don't want to continue and then I doubt myself and maybe I just need to grit my teeth and get through this thing. UGH.

NOT TO MENTION that I just want to eat my feelings with a nice chocolate brownie with icecream, or something like that, and even that is denied to me by this STUPID STUPID STUPID gestational diabetes, which if it was regular diabetes I would feel better about having a cheat day or two because I am my own person, you know, can take risks- but with a tiny human wriggling inside me feeling like an alien parasite about to burst out, I just can't do that to her/him and I resent that.

SCREW EVERYTHING I QUIT. What I want to say anyway. Instead I've got to pull up my adult pants and get going.

phew. It's good to vent.
posted by freethefeet at 3:24 AM on April 26 [8 favorites]


I quit drinking, because I thought I was maybe drinking too much. I like drinking. I don't like drinking too much, and well, there's other things I want to do. Also, I think it's bad for my stomach. I last drank Tuesday and don't know how long this will go on for.
A friend has shown, markedly, symptoms of bipolar but doesn't want to acknowledge it. I'm far away and can't help, in practical terms, just try to give support. It is horrible, this friend has a substantial place in my heart.
And another friend, who survived/ is surviving a type ofCancer that should have killed him two years ago ... and who is a relentlessly positive perosn, recently started bringing up in conversations ideas that... that are morbid, and worrying.
The weather here is beautiful and behind it death is sneaking around, stalking really, in a deeply unsettling way.
posted by From Bklyn at 6:50 AM on April 26 [8 favorites]


The weather here is beautiful and behind it death is sneaking around, stalking really, in a deeply unsettling way.

This is the weird part for me as well. I look out over Chicago from my 16th floor apartment and it looks the same if not better. But inside those buildings I know there are people who are either scared or people who are dangerous idiots. It's really weird. I struggle to comprehend this slow moving invisible disaster whose consequences are all outside of my sight. It's like there is nothing for my fear grip.
posted by srboisvert at 9:26 AM on April 26 [6 favorites]


Last night I stupidly tried to go down some stairs in near-darkness and ended up missing the last step or two, thus falling and hurting my ankle. It was somewhat painful when I went to bed but I could still (sort of) walk on it. Now it hurts significantly more if I try to put any weight on it. I'm hoping it's only a sprain and not something I need to see a doctor for but who knows.
posted by junques at 11:47 AM on April 26 [3 favorites]


My life has actually improved in multiple ways lately and all I want to do is jump off a bridge, so that's cool.
posted by Freeze Peach at 8:24 AM on April 27 [10 favorites]


I'm so fucking tired of being alone in my apartment. It's poking at all my issues around feeling like a burden on other people because to feel better and less lonely I have to reach out to other people, and the people I'm close to all have other people they live with, or who they're closer to, and so they don't necessarily need to reach out to me. They care, and sometimes people do reach out to me, but, goddamn, it's heavily weighted towards me reaching out.
posted by bridgebury at 10:44 PM on April 27 [9 favorites]


I got SO MAD at people at (remote) work today, until I realized the reason I was turning into one of those awful people who care way too much about their job was because it's the closest thing to regular human contact I've got these days. (And then I signed off slack and poured myself a drink.)
posted by btfreek at 12:08 AM on April 28 [5 favorites]


I was turning into one of those awful people who care way too much about their job was because it's the closest thing to regular human contact I've got these days

My god, what an insight! Was wondering why I was being so focussed on job these days, much more than before. Sub-consciously, it was a way for me to avoid all the madness going on in the world and all the worries I have for my little family.
posted by the cydonian at 3:15 AM on April 28 [4 favorites]


Plus, too, also, there is now no weekend, or there is, but it's a weekend in hell. For those of us with zero executive function, Friday ushers in two solid days of mainlining the horrific plague news. Monday comes and it's like, WOOOOOOOO! RELIEEEEEF! My job is now comparatively fun and my life is now comparatively painful. This is unprecedented in my entire spate of existence. It is completely upside down. Depraved. Insane. Work is supposed to suck. If work doesn't suck? I don't even know. Where are we even? Is this still Earth.
posted by Don Pepino at 3:40 AM on April 28 [4 favorites]


So many of you were helpful when I was struggling a month ago with my father dying in a nursing home minutes away but inaccessible due to the pandemic. He rallied for a bit, and there were some good days with coherent and happy phone calls, but this afternoon I got the fateful call from the nurse.

Just now, I broke into tears making coffee. I wish I'd managed to find a way to smuggle him in one more latte.

If there are any Type 1 diabetics for whom some OmniPods or Dexcom G5 sensors would help the budget, I'd be happy to share the unused ones. Normally I'd offer to mail them anywhere in North America, but with the state of the postal systems both north and south of the border at the moment I'm not sure that's wise. Anyone in the Victoria BC area?
posted by bcd at 4:18 AM on April 28 [20 favorites]


I think my father may have to move in with me. Fuck fuck fuck.
posted by paduasoy at 4:18 AM on April 28 [7 favorites]


Sorry, bcd, my post crossed with yours, and I apologise for my frustration with my father when you're dealing with grief about yours.
posted by paduasoy at 4:20 AM on April 28 [4 favorites]


Not at all. Having been his primary caregiver for a number of years before he went into nursing care, I completely understand the frustration part as well. It is a tough row to hoe. Best wishes for how it plays out, whether he has to move in with you or not.
posted by bcd at 4:29 AM on April 28 [8 favorites]


This is a petty thing, but...intellectually, I know my boss/only other person on the team is busy with a big last-minute rush project, but it's sure feeling like I'm the one doing all the work while he's vanished off the face of the earth. It has been a capital-D Day trying to fix a huge clusterfuck of a techno-thing, and apart from about five minutes this afternoon, I've been the only one running around investigating root causes and getting in touch with tech support and updating end users and...

I mean, I'm glad to have a job right now and everything, and I appreciate being needed and doing useful work and all that. Don't get me wrong. But fuck. I need a vacation and I can't go anywhere.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:46 AM on April 28 [4 favorites]


Tucker Carlson says there is no scientific justification for quarantine, says the curve flattened but quarantine had nothing to do with it, "the virus just isn't nearly as deadly as we thought it was"


Mongols
!
posted by Mitheral at 8:15 AM on April 28 [3 favorites]


Stalker tried to raise a safeguarding complaint about me at work. I address any Gods or Devils, if you take this cup from me I will do whatever you want.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 10:44 AM on April 28 [1 favorite]


I had been doing a good job of not letting the news get to me too much, or even actually not reading the news for longer stretches of time, but some of the stuff I've read over the past couple of days has really gotten to me and once again I feel like we're living in an incomprehensible nightmare.

I don't even know if the news is severe enough to warrant this kind of response, or if I had just tapered my news consumption down enough so that things are becoming shocking to me again. Not sure if that makes sense at all, either.

blehhhhhhhh
posted by phatkitten at 12:47 PM on April 28 [2 favorites]


Jesus fucking Christ, Trump brought a maskless young man with an intellectual disability to the podium so he could thank Trump for reopening the grocery store he works at. I think I'm going to vomit.
posted by Stanczyk at 5:33 AM on April 29 [6 favorites]


On a personal level, my friend's grandmother is 88 years old, a smoker (still) and has lung cancer. She went into her lung cancer treatment and was tested for COVID-19 - this is standard now in Portugal.

She tested positive - she has been a bit lax in her isolation to be honest - and so they threw her in quarantine for 14 days. She was fine, but bored the whole time. She has now emerged and...feels fine. I really don't understand this virus.
posted by vacapinta at 6:31 AM on April 29 [10 favorites]


So many things posted of late I have already seen on either Facebook or Google News or YouTube or heard about on NPR. I am not kidding -- Dinosaurs, the Great Hedge of India, the stealth arborist of Oakland and the Scorpion and the Frog-- all these are so not new to me. And I do not exclude myself -- my last post came up because of questions I asked on YouTube. For some reason I find this very depressing. When did algorithms become our puppetmasters if not stealth non-paying members ?
posted by y2karl at 11:15 AM on April 29


junques, I'm sending good thoughts for you and your ankle. I winced, hearing your account of how it happened. Much love to you. And much love to everyone who's lost people or pets recently. I'm so thankful for my emotional support cats, and I'm sorry.


I'd better not cry too much or too hard or I'll feel it tomorrow and be paranoid about being sick.

Yeah, ktkt, I'm having a resurgence of (probably stress-fueled) perioral dermatitis that's now spread to periorificial dermatitis, with a little rash by my right eye, right where tears run down. If I don't put on makeup, it makes me look like I have really dark circles or almost a black eye on that side. So I'm trying to keep it together but yeah, no, I collapse in tears fairly often these days. I've lost count of how many days running it's been. I'm simultaneously sorry that so many of you also want to melt into nothingness and sort of heartened that it's not just me. Being able to plan and achieve things has always helped me, but any achievements at work feel hollow these days and I'm lacking inspiration, now that we're all unable to plan.

It's always something right now. Every few days to a week my partner and I are having anguished repeat conversations about how they can't meet my needs, and keep getting into the weeds on the definitions of things like "acceptance" and "expectations" and "a relationship" and "behavior versus innate traits." They're gonna have to leave so soon, due to aforementioned circumstances, that I don't feel like there's a point to distancing ourselves or breaking up, and I don't want to break up. In more ideal circumstances, I feel like we could work through all of this in a calmer way; we always were able to talk things out before. As others have said elsewhere, I don't think this reveals some secret true self of my partner's that I didn't know (though it has revealed some secrets, alas). I think it has exposed the fragility of both of our coping mechanisms, especially when my partner doesn't have health insurance to seek further treatment. My therapist says I shouldn't justify so much, but compassion and empathy are important to me.

I just wish I could reset to before all of this happened, when the stakes were lower and all of our mental-health situations weren't flaring up and interacting. In the past couple weeks, I've dealt with people in my immediate space who have been suicidal, felt like self-harming, were having manic bipolar episodes, were drinking and self-medicating these conditions, etc. For myself, I think I've said this before, but part of the problem I'm having currently is that for years, I've been working on counteracting and rewriting the script on behaviors that in most circumstances are counterproductive. So I fought off my OCD excoriation, I practiced mindfulness and learned to be more present with my emotions and feelings (compartmentalizing and dissociating less), I learned to fight off my anxiety and speak up for myself to state what I want and need and feel, I got to a point where I was fairly high-functioning in terms of not depressively sleeping half the day, I wasn't endlessly procrastinating as much, I had relaxed some of my PTSD hypervigilance in the workplace, I had found exercise I liked and that helped with my mental and physical chronic health conditions alike...and now all of those behaviors want to come roaring back.


I really need some hope right now.

Same. I think hope is one of the things I'm missing the most. Also, my brain misread that as "I really need some hugs right now," and that too.

Today I finally canceled our flights to visit the location where we'd been talking about relocating, a trip that was supposed to be a celebration with my partner this weekend and coming week. I waited so I could get a refund, and it sounds like the refund will soon process, due to circumstances at our would-be destination. Reading the current AskMe thread about that was useful. But yeah, while getting the money back will be good, that was the last piece left to cancel those plans, and it makes me sad.

I miss having plans. I miss having things to eagerly anticipate. I miss feeling romantic love from my partner on a more regular basis. I'm relatively fortunate, but it still hurts a lot when people, my partner included, play suffering Olympics. My partner does have it harder on many fronts than I do right now. But my good fortune doesn't negate my own pervasive, overwhelming emotional pain.

Maybe I should take another day or two at some point in the next week, even though I can't go anywhere. I did take a mental health day last week. I could use another. The idea of taking too many gives me a lot of anxiety, though. Oh well. I have a therapist's appointment by phone in a couple hours!
posted by limeonaire at 3:46 PM on April 29 [7 favorites]


My baby is getting married without me and I can't stop crying.
posted by Space Kitty at 4:38 PM on April 29 [21 favorites]


My ex-partner wants me to come home, so badly, and I don't know why I can't make myself do it. I could snap my fingers and make so much of this nightmare go away for both of us. We wouldn't be alone, we wouldn't be broke, we'd have an island of certainty in the current chaos. I miss my home and unless I go back to him I'll never see it again until I'm moving my stuff out of it. But I just can't. It is shredding my heart into pieces and i just can't stop crying.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:59 PM on April 29 [14 favorites]


I have cold symptoms. I have been pretty good with physical distancing but mrfeet has been going into work (IT support for schools) and I have seen two people for walks (we are allowed this where I live) and been to the supermarket and pharmacy.
Since I live in a place doing a testing blitz, I am going to see if I can get tested tomorrow.

I almost perversely kind of want it because then it would make my community take this seriously. (We've had 3 cases all overseas based and people are saying "there's no corona in this town" yeah we'll see.)

But really not because I am pregnant and yeah don't need that stress right now.

Mrfeet working from home tomorrow which is nice.
posted by freethefeet at 12:37 AM on April 30


So somehow I have gotten sick (this is a bit of a surprise as we have only left the house once in the last ten days or so, for grocery shopping, where the stores really had improved their social distancing protocols even if some customers can’t see one way arrows..).

I’m hoping it’s just a cold, but with my stupid asthma even “just a cold” often becomes bronchitis. So now I’m desperately trying to finish a project at work (the project which kept me up half the night the day before I got sick..) before I get sicker, while also trying to prevent Mr. Nat from catching my crud.

And I don’t think I should stressbake (my usual outlet) because I don’t want to share this crud, plus we are low on flour and it could be quite some time before I can go out again, due to the crud.
posted by nat at 1:59 AM on April 30 [3 favorites]


Armed protesters (a.k.a terrorists) have gotten access to the Michigan State Capitol and state police are blocking them from the house floor. Liberate Michigan in-fucking-deed.

This fucking timeline. This fucking fuck timeline can fuck fuck my fucking fucker of a fuck fuck fucker motherfucker. I'm just so tired.
posted by Your Childhood Pet Rock at 1:58 PM on April 30 [17 favorites]


I just look at those assholes in Michigan, and think they’re actively trying to kill my fragile, elderly parents.
posted by skybluepink at 2:06 PM on April 30 [9 favorites]


I work at small bank that is part of an enormous bank. One of our 8-figure loan clients has fallen into junk credit status. You have likely heard of this company. Now that they are in junk status their loan rates go up automatically. Yay, we make more money, in a time when other revenue is drying up. Except that this company, which you probably know about, is now more likely to throw in the towel and seek protection.

Word has come down that we are going to have to start cutting costs. I know what all of the costs are because I am the cost accountant. Now I get to think about if the bank will still need me. And if I get to stay, what about my friends and colleagues?

Fuck
posted by Midnight Skulker at 2:30 PM on April 30 [8 favorites]


Reading through this thread, it’s been a bad week for kitties for lots of people. My housemate lost her old kitty Oscar on Saturday, too. He lasted over a year longer than we expected, but it was finally time. He is resting now in the back yard with his sister Emily (who passed just a week or so after moving here) and little Franz, who died just a few months old of FIP.

My housemate has been heartbroken since. And then a 12-year-old boy kitty needing a new home came across her FB feed last night, and we agreed to take him. He comes here on Saturday. Maybe in this little corner of the world, something might work out okay for a little while. We will see.
posted by notoriety public at 7:02 AM on May 1 [5 favorites]


UGH sorry for the kitty bad news. But hooray for new kitty! Please update with pics.
posted by Glinn at 7:46 AM on May 1 [1 favorite]


A beloved local meteorologist was fired yesterday for speaking truth-“extremists” at state capitols are “white nationalist Nazi sympathizer gun fetishist miscreants.”- and I don’t watch local news but Sven runs the marathon a lot and I’ve definitely cheered hard for him in that arena and this is making me sadder than I thought it could. I don’t really want to live in this fucked up country anymore. We’re so broken. It just keeps getting worse.
posted by Bacon Bit at 5:12 AM on May 2 [16 favorites]


Perhaps nothing convinces me that we are fucking fucked quite so fully as the fact that Brands are all-in on trying to sell us the notion that everything will be juuuust fine. I'm starting to regret dropping Netflix even though I ran out of stuff I want to watch on it, just because so many other services have fucking commercials.

On a slightly happier note:

After going for weeks without any substantive amount of chocolate, and then acquiring and consuming a substantive amount, it's become clear to me that I've been unwittingly self-medicating with chocolate for probably six-plus years.

So, PSA to my fellow remote-grocery-shoppers: don't forget the chocolate.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 7:33 AM on May 2 [4 favorites]


I have a square of chocolate every evening. I have done this for decades. I really need it. Dark chocolate is the preference, bitter even. I'd give up coffee before I gave up chocolate.
posted by vacapinta at 7:42 AM on May 2 [4 favorites]


Kids first fishing trip planned for this morning. 5am. kid’s piercing scream jolts me awake. He has found and opened a fishing tackle box we had hidden. He found a multi-hook lure. Ignoring every warning we have ever given (Including only a few hours before) - he is now attached by not one but *two* fingers to the lure. The lure is also inconveniently attached to the couch. Wire cutters activated, I bring crying kid to car. 15 min car trip to ER. Standing in a cold mountain car park the admitting nurse looks at the state of the haircut my kids gave me and believes me when I say we’ve been in self-isolation quarantine for almost two months.

We are allowed inside. We are the only patients in the entire ER. Five nurses all rush to be on the case (*very* slow night for them - plus apparently the first time anyone there had seen one lure attached to two fingers at the same time - and this is a fly fishing town). Requires numbing injections. Kid hates needles. Much screaming. Kid calms down by talking about how it’s rabbit mating season (Spring) to the nurses. I get some odd looks from medical staff. Give kid his tablet to watch as they extract the lure hooks - this is the tablet I left on the roof of the car as we drove to the ER - now I know why the truck behind me flashed its lights.

Fast forward - all well - we get home. I clean up the couch and find more hooks in the carpet. I also find inside the couch ottoman a bunch of rotting bananas the kids had left there (“we wanted to make a kids hotel mini-bar”).

Mrs Inflatablekiwi takes dog for a walk - dog has upset tummy and manages to do her business on Mrs Inflatablekiwi somehow (details hazy on that). We clean both off.

I begin drafting this post. Dog goes crazy and does number one and two on the carpet in front of me.

I get an urgent request from work to jump on a quick call at 9am. Call taken - luckily no tasks assigned - so back to cleaning up dog poo.

Silver lining - I realize I stay have the lure in a medical specimen jar. It’s bloody but hoping that will attract more fish. So result there really. Good little lure that one.

It’s now 9:20am on a Saturday. Anyone up for day drinking? Cos I’m up for day drinking.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 8:20 AM on May 2 [31 favorites]


I am up for day drinking - and I barely even drink.

I feel for your kid, and his bad experience with the fishing lures. When I was a kid, I also stuck my finger into a hook. Luckily that didn't end in an ER session, but that mishap on the 4th grade school tip swore me off of fishing forever.
posted by spinifex23 at 2:35 PM on May 2 [1 favorite]


You've sure earned the day drinking, inflatablekiwi. With a little distance, I expect today will live on as a funny family story for decades to come, but for today, definitely a drink. Thank you for sharing and I apologize for the giggling that happened between Mrs. BCD and I reading it. We've certainly had our share of children to the ER in years gone by, and mostly they are proud of their misadventures.
posted by bcd at 3:08 PM on May 2 [1 favorite]


Yeah my wife and I could only laugh l - the most unbelievable clusterfuck of a morning. Other son got his finger stuck in the handle of his kids elliptical walker later in the day but luckily Mrs Inflatablekiwi managed to wiggle it free after 5 minutes before I arrived with the Pam spray to lubricate it. We are going to retry fishing tomorrow morning. Will post to the Silver Linings thread If we catch anything (kids convinced they are going to catch trout and tiger muskies first time out - I’ll be happy if we can grab a minnow or two).
posted by inflatablekiwi at 4:23 PM on May 2 [3 favorites]


"Perhaps nothing convinces me that we are fucking fucked quite so fully as the fact that Brands are all-in on trying to sell us the notion that everything will be juuuust fine."

I mean, if Coca-Cola, Nike, Toyota, and McDonald's all aired commercials saying that we're all going to die, I think I'd be even more frightened than I already am.

I think I know how you feel, though, because there are only a few shows I watch in which there are commercials, and I'd gotten behind on them until the last few days and so it's only just now I've seen the wall-to-wall "in these difficult times..." advertisements. And it's both depressing and surreal. It's certainly not comforting.

I keep thinking as I watch one of these ads that they're just like something Paul Verhoeven would ironically include in a satire-inflected slow-moving global disaster flick. And I feel like my response to it would be that's it's a bit too much, slightly funny but not quite believable and therefore vaguely irritating in its self-aware smugness.

This demonstrates either that A) surprisingly, given my sustained effort, my cynicism has been insufficient, or B) our reality is the product of a hack writer. I feel like an idiot because on retrospect one or both of those possibilities were proven true way back in the Before Times of 2016.

Bonus: these few shows with ads I watch are via the network apps, and so they're invariably the same fucking four spots over and over and fucking over again.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 5:54 PM on May 2 [7 favorites]


It’s bloody but hoping that will attract more fish. So result there really. Good little lure that one

Well, it seems good at catching children at least.
posted by nubs at 5:56 PM on May 2 [8 favorites]


So, we have a smallish feral cat colony that lives in our and our neighbor's yards, which it turned out came with the house when we bought it two and a half years ago. Something like 10-20 permanent residents plus a number of cats that come and go more transiently. Our neighbor feeds them, and my wife started feeding them as well to try to socialize the younger cats and kittens in case they're adoptable. We've been doing trap-neuter-vaccinate-return at our own expense through a low-cost spay/neuter clinic for the last year and a half or so. Last spring and summer, before we'd managed to trap two of the most prolific breeding females, we had multiple litters of kittens show up, with several cases of kittens getting terribly sick and requiring trips to the emergency vet for treatment or in a truly sad number of cases, euthanasia. (This is why we have no savings.) But by this point we've gotten pretty much all the permanent residents neutered and spayed, and we're really hoping that this season the population will be stable and we won't keep getting kittens.

A few months ago a new tomcat showed up in the colony. Very feral as far as not wanting anything to do with humans, but quite passive and subordinate to all the other cats. After trying to trap him for weeks, my wife finally managed to entice him into our sunroom with some tuna, and closed him there. He had a minor injury from a recent catfight and seemed like he was a bit under the weather, but as we had no way of handling him or getting him to a vet, we decided to just let him stay in our sunroom and recuperate, while we figured out a way to get him into a trap and take him to be neutered.

It was right at this time that the COVID shutdown started, and our spay/neuter clinic suspended its operations, and all the other local vets stopped doing any non-essential procedures, including neuterings. As my wife and I really, really don't want another round of kittens this year, we decided to let this cat (whom we have dubbed Magnus) stay in our sunroom while we waited for someone to reopen or figured out another way to deal with him. (A friend and colleague of mine who is a lab vet even spent a generous amount of time brainstorming any way she might be able to neuter him at our house but couldn't come up with a drug cocktail for anesthesia that didn't include a controlled substance that would be illegal for her to use outside of work.) Now, this room represents probably 15-20% of the square footage of our not very large house, so right as we started getting confined to our home, a significant chunk of our living space was turned over to this feral cat who wants nothing to do with us. But we are suckers for cats and so that's what we did.

Magnus quickly recovered from his injury and over the next week or two started feeling better from whatever else was ailing him, probably just a high parasite load that regular clean meals in our comparatively clean sunroom gave him a chance to purge. And as he started feeling better, he started marking. Everything. Constantly. As a result, our entire house smells a little bit like cat piss, even more than it usually does from the four housecats we serve. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that another one of our ferals got sick and our neighbor brought her to us in a panic, because this one is one of the really sweet cats in the colony, who is definitely adoptable and who our neighbor wants to adopt as soon as she convinces her family. And although we are absolutely adamant that we are not adopting another cat, Cecily has now been living with us for weeks now, so we've got five cats plus a feral houseguest in our house, which again I really need to emphasize isn't very big.

So anyway, thanks to Magnus pissing everywhere in our sunroom, our house stinks the way people who don't like cats claim the houses of people with cats stink, and on warm days our entire downstairs smells bad enough that it's almost uninhabitable. At first we're able to deal with it by leaving the door to our backyard open with just the screen door keeping our housecats inside. But while three of our cats have no interest at all in going out, our fourth little monster was adopted from the feral colony a year ago, and apparently decided that he misses his friends. After a couple of weeks of quarantine, Julius manages to tear a hole in the screen door in order to escape. Fortunately he doesn't make it far, but now we can't use the screen door to air out our stinky downstairs.

Meanwhile, Magnus has not warmed up to us at all. He is not in any way aggressive, but if we move within striking distance he will scratch the shit out of us. And yet we are determined to get this damn tomcat neutered, and finally a couple weeks ago we discover that there's a place 30 minutes away that is still doing TNVR, if we can only manage to get him into a trap. But you can't just trap a cat and take it to them, you have to schedule an appointment, which means you have to trap the cat on a schedule. But fine, we take Magnus's food away and give it to him only in the trap starting about 24 hours before we're scheduled to drop him off.

Magnus does not get in the trap. The hour of our appointment arrives and we have to call and ask if they'll let us drop him off later if we can get him. No, they're closing, we'll have to reschedule for the following week. Frustrated, we do so, and give Magnus a nice bowl of food in his normal location, which he immediately eats. We leave him alone and go to bed.

We forget to disarm the trap.

The next morning, Magnus is in the trap. And he is pissed off. Our appointment is a full week in the future, we can't keep him in a tiny Have-A-Heart trap for a week. So we let him out, and just hope, hope, that we'll still be able to get him in the trap the next week, so we can finally get this damned cat neutered and let him go back outside where he wants to be, and get our sunroom cleaned up and have our house not stink any more.

This was last weekend. Magnus's appointment is now Monday morning, a good six or seven weeks after he first came into our house. We're looking forward to finally getting some relief. This afternoon, we leave the house for the first time in quite a while to make a trip to the hardware store to pick up some aluminum mesh so I can repair our screen door and air out our downstairs again, as well as a few other essentials. And when we get in the car to come home, it won't start.

So now our car has been towed to the mechanic, and it seems unlikely that we'll get it back tomorrow. Which means we have no vehicle to take Magnus to his appointment on Monday morning even if he does get in the trap. And it's finally starting to get warm enough here in southeastern PA that we simply cannot keep Magnus in the sunroom any longer -- it will soon be too hot in there for it to be safe for him. So unless we're able to borrow a neighbor's car or something, all of this will have been for nothing.

And it's just one stupid cat, and that's a drop in the bucket as far as reducing the total number of breeding cats in the feral population, but it feels so frustrating to have invested so much time, effort, and suffering through urine stench, only to have to finally just release him because our car broke down at the wrong time. And compared to what so many people are going through we're just incredibly lucky to have this be a problem we can have. But even so, just... fuck. Fucking fuck.
posted by biogeo at 6:23 PM on May 2 [20 favorites]


(my test results came back: just a cold, not COVID.)
posted by freethefeet at 6:35 PM on May 2 [20 favorites]


A cool thing about my life right now is that everyone is viewing me as a solution to my father's caregiver burnout problems, not as an actual person with actual feelings who might be experiencing some caregiver burnout of my own. And my father's caregiver burnout is making him incompetent, which is adding to my caregiving responsibilities. I am exhausted and angry at everyone, and I honestly don't know what's going to happen when I have to go back to work.

Also, my mother has a fun new symptom, which is paranoid delusions. And she's alternately suspicious that I am part of the conspiracy and mad at me for not taking her delusions seriously. (And they're hard to take seriously, because some of them involve some seriously freaky body horror. I am sure that the doctors aren't trying to kill her, but I am even more sure that there are no Nazis experimenting on all our bodies and that nobody is going to insert rats into my vagina.) My father can't handle the actual delusions, which I am not so bothered by, but her behavior towards me is kind of wearing me. It's hard to be devoting my life to taking care of someone who is sometimes mad at me and sometimes looks at me with abject dread because she thinks I'm feeding her ice cream with human body parts in it.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:49 AM on May 3 [12 favorites]


My sweet, lovely girlfriend just broke up with me; she said that she didn't want to feel anything anymore, good or bad, and that our interactions made her feel too much. Even when we just watched TV and texted during it. The relationship was a very big source of comfort to me during this, and it's very painful to know that now no one will be texting me good morning or checking in on me. I feel very robbed by this whole situation, on many fronts (as an academic without tenure, I am also watching my career slip away). This is extremely isolating. I miss my old life.
posted by k8lin at 10:55 AM on May 3 [19 favorites]


I am back to 95% health, after my wierd-ass cold. And Mr. Nat apparently didn’t get it. Yay.

Boo that my state, AZ, is doing so little testing (their idea of a “testing blitz” is to test 10-20k people each of the next three weekends; PHX metro area alone is 4.8 million) that my only way of making sure I don’t spread coronavirus now is to not go anywhere for 2 weeks after last symptom. I think we have enough food to make it with no grocery run.

I am fine, but now I weep for my state and its pathetic testing plan. I have no idea how ASU plans to open like normal in the fall without a much larger testing plan, contact tracing, etc.
posted by nat at 11:25 AM on May 3


My basically best friend is probably going to move as a result of the virus. A bunch of people I know or sort of know are talking about doing so. I'm afraid I'm going to be the only one left here and it hit me tonight and now I am a mess.
posted by ferret branca at 9:21 PM on May 3 [6 favorites]


Fucking Andrew Sheer, whose publicly funded car allowance is $2K a month, is out there complaining the $500/week CERB "discourages some Canadians from returning to work". Who knew the last Federal election was such a pivotal point at the time.
posted by Mitheral at 6:02 PM on May 4 [3 favorites]


Welp my brother now has COVID symptoms although fortunately his wife and their kid seem to be symptom-free still. But he made a point of reminding me that I'm the only person they trust to raise their child if the worst comes to pass, and now I've been throwing up for an hour and a half, because my dudes, while the rest of my family definitely cannot be trusted to raise a child, I also cannot be trusted to raise a child.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:54 PM on May 4 [12 favorites]


I keep having dreams where I'm trapped in a tiny space. Yesterday it was a shopping mall filled with narrow corridors and where none of the lights got working and the rooms got smaller and smaller until I was inside what felt like a rabbit warren, except in the dark, and all on my own. My dream metaphors are so on the nose.

Like others upthread, I hate working from home so, so much. Not that my work situation was great to begin with but I had work-friends and a sense of belonging somewhere and a sense that what I was doing was useful.

Now? I am alone at home fielding emails from a boss who never liked me and now tips over way too often into unprofessional nastiness. I'm doing the heavy lifting for my team; everyone else is doing a fraction of what I am doing and yet I am the one who gets told over and over again in multiple ways that I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I am a terrible writer, I am not a strategic thinker... If I suck so much then how come all the really high-impact, high-workload assignments get shunted my way? Surely you wouldn't task the most important work to someone who is a liability? My boss also makes way too many by-the-way sort of comments about the fact that I am not white for my liking. Too many references to "my culture"; "what it's like back home" etc. Bitch, this is my home.

What does this have to do with Covid-19? Not much it's just that it's worse now than it ever was.
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:41 AM on May 5 [18 favorites]


In mid-March we needed to decide: mad dash cross-country home, or hunker down here in a small temporary rental apartment in a city with no outside access, until the wave passed and it would be safer to travel.

Now it's clear: the wave is never going to pass.

I'm pretty bitter about not being home, and the $$$$$ we're spending to not be home, indefinitely now.

Definitely, clearly should have gone in March.
posted by Dashy at 2:06 PM on May 5 [5 favorites]


Our state released its "reopening" plan and oh my god, you guys, nothing is ever going to be anything but shit-fucking-garbage-tastic ever again. I knew but like, now I KNOW?

So anyway if anyone has tips on how to not actually just completely give up, when nothing is ever going to get better, uh, sure would...sure would like some of those...
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:36 PM on May 5 [2 favorites]


Oh goody, Preston Fucking Manning; Mister Privatize schools, healthcare, and social supports; is out there giving interviews to say governments have over reacted to Covid-19. Ugh these people.
posted by Mitheral at 6:27 PM on May 5 [2 favorites]


I thought that I had managed to compartmentalize the COVID-fallout from my - in general - positive outlook on life. ("We will get through this. Together. As a human race.")

Until I today read about Ohio's imitation of the famous novel 1984.

And then later the effects of Texas' COVID ban on abortions.

Now, I am not sure all bipeds actually are human beings.
posted by Rabarberofficer at 2:56 PM on May 6 [1 favorite]


My wife's retail job opens back up next week here in the Philly suburbs, which should definitely not be reopening according to the epidemiological data I've seen. I am far from convinced that her employer will be offering adequate protections for her and her coworkers, especially considering that as an eyeglass shop, close personal interaction is part of the job. And also considering that she has to deal with shitty, entitled customers even in the best of times, and now there are daily stories about shitty, entitled customers responding to being asked to follow basic, state-mandated precautions like wearing masks by spitting on, physically assaulting, or even murdering retail employees. I don't want her to go back to work but we can't afford to have her lose her job and her health insurance.
posted by biogeo at 3:35 PM on May 6 [6 favorites]




I’m a Democratic convention delegate (for district and state, not national) and getting elected as a delegate was really exciting! I have been SO excited for the conventions!

Well, turns out that the district and state conventions will be virtual. Which means they’re asynchronous and all on Zoom. No socializing with the other delegates and party leaders, no real campaigning for national delegate or DNC member candidates, no nothing. It’s basically a convention in name only. The delegates from my district had a call last night to go over what the conventions will be like and to sorta get to know each other, and it was so depressing.

This is such a stupid thing to be bummed about. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme. I don’t think that even if the national convention has to be virtual that it’ll make a difference in terms of the election.

But I’m really sad and disappointed by it, all the same. I had been really, really excited and looking forward to these conventions and somehow this disappointment just opened the floodgates. This sucks.

Politics and religion and family are just so devastatingly different when you can’t physically be near other people. I don’t think socializing has even been that terrible, what with all the texting and calls and FaceTimes, and frankly, my work is basically the same as ever.

But there’s no politics, really. I’m doing stuff like Postcards to Voters and text-banking and touching base with my local org chapters, but it’s just not the same. No religious services, really. You can’t feel the presence of the divine on a group Zoom. Or I can’t, anyway. No family life, really. I have my dog and she does keep me busy, but there’s no eating dinner with my parents or hugging them. No seeing my grandma at all. No dating, which as a single woman in her mid-30s means giving up on having a “conventional” nuclear family....this sucks. It’s all just stupid collateral damage and it didn’t really get to me that much until now but...it’s been hitting me hard this week, guys. Really hard.

The virus is terrifying — so many people dead, so many people I love at high risk, so much chaos...But suddenly all this stupid collateral damage stuff has broken my heart.
posted by rue72 at 9:24 PM on May 6 [5 favorites]


Everything is trash. Feel free to vent your frustrations here.

so, having been watching a fair amount of "streaming with commercials" lately, there's a new goddamn Infiniti ad where the last voiceover is:

"The Infiniti family is here for your family, whether it's service, or a purchase, or just to be there."

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? "Just to be there?" Is Infiniti offering therapy now? Am I supposed to call them up, ask for Netflix suggestions? Start a fucking Zoom book club with the local dealership? Get' em to deliver ice cream? Cry at them?

FUCK you, Infiniti.
posted by soundguy99 at 10:04 PM on May 6 [12 favorites]


Collateral damage is a real thing. It sucks. So sorry Rue72.
posted by freethefeet at 11:24 PM on May 6


Fucking fucketh

Someone was knocking on the door of my apartment. They were really insistent that I open the door. I remained firm and asked them to leave whatever they had at my door.

I thought they had a parcel or something for me. No, instead all they had was a bloody flyer about their complaints with body corporate

Freaking out even though the door remained closed- I wasn't wearing a mask. I couldn't have easily caught it if the door was closed, could I?

I'm quite sure "talking to neighbours face to face about body corporate issues" is not one of the acceptable reasons to break our lockdown.

The kicker? I'm a renter, the body corporate doesn't apply to me.
posted by daybeforetheday at 12:27 AM on May 7 [2 favorites]


Nah, you didn't get it through the door. What is with fucking people fucking KNOCKING, though? No, I do not want to look upon your beaming face spilling over with news to share! No, I do not want a happy surprise! No, I do not have a moment of my time for Jesus! I did not then and I do not now want a fun little impromptu chat with YOU, you knocking, smiling POS. NO, NO, NO, get the fuck gone.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:58 AM on May 7 [5 favorites]


I need to get this off my chest so I'm going to put it here. It will totally fit.

So yesterday at 2 in the morning, I couldn't sleep so I went out to the garage to watch some TV in my WFH office built off the side. And I was out here for maybe 15 minutes, streaming The Daily Show when I noticed my office door was slowly opening. At first I thought it was my wife, and because of the hour I worried maybe something happened. Why else would she be coming out here in the middle of the night. But it wasn't her.

When he finally opened the door and walked in, I don't know what happened, instinct must have kicked in, but I jumped from my chair and started yelling at this invader. "Get out! Get the fuck out! Get out. Now." And I tried to look big and I kept yelling. And it worked, he slowly backed out the door, and I kept yelling. "Get out! Get the Fuck OUT! Now! Get the FUCK OUT!" And I yelled at him through the garage, and out through the yard, and through the gate and down the driveway, until he ran down the street.

I was shaking and I went back in the house, and I woke my wife and I told her what happened. We live near a college and I figured it was a college student. Maybe drunk, lost. But then there was a knock on the door and I jumped up thinking for some insane reason that he had come back and was knocking this time. But it wasn't him, it was the police. They told me that they had caught him. Apparently he had committed several burglaries including stealing a car. And he was being chased and he stopped a block over, abandoned the car, ran through some yards, hopped my fence, opened the door to my garage, and went into my office. Presumably to hide? I don't know why I scared him but I did. There were lights on outside the garage, in the garage and in my office. And the TV was blaring Trevor Noah. Why did he come in? The police told me that they had lost him and it was my yelling that told them where he was and was why they were able to catch him. They came into my backyard and showed me where he broke off the top of my fence. And they recovered his coat which he ditched in my yard, then they took pictures of my garage and my office. They were especially excited to see a bed in my office, which was the top half of a bunk that my daughter didn't want in her room anymore. I put it in here in case one of us needs to be isolated. Cynical, I know, but I thought if I got sick, I wouldn't be able to do it. But because I have a bed in here the charges go from breaking and entering to burglary, so they took a bunch of pictures of my bed. Then they asked a bunch of questions and took a statement. Told me another officer would follow up later in the week.

FFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

I have been a fucking basket case since. I can't think straight. It just keeps replaying in my mind. I'm scared shitless. I can't stop crying. I feel sick. AND NO ONE SOCIAL DISTANCED. Not the intruder, not the police. I took yesterday and today off work, which was only fair because I can't think or concentrate or focus. I can barely remember to breath. I managed to stay away from people for two months only to have my sanctuary fucking invaded. And wouldn't it be hilarious if I managed to survive a home invasion only to catch COVID from the invader. fuck. I just bought three surveillance cameras and a new motion sensitive outdoor flood. Maybe I'll calm down once I install those. At least he came in the garage and didn't go in the house. So there's that I guess. fuck.
posted by Stanczyk at 9:29 AM on May 7 [29 favorites]


Stanczyk, that is all incredibly terrifying and awful! I'm so sorry.

I know I have things so much better than most people and I'm doing this whole pandemic on easy mode and I'm still totally melting down. Work has just been getting busier....and busier....and busier....and then a few weeks ago, I decided to sign up for the current term of (virtual) language classes through a local cultural institute, and immediately after I took the first class, our CEO handed me a huge life consuming project and I've been working until nearly midnight (or after) most days since. I haven't had a day off since February, because our big conference was literally days before our region went into shelter in place, and we've been in pandemic response mode ever since. The big trip I'd been looking forward to after the conference was, obviously, cancelled. I literally have to keep track of political news for my job, so I never get to take any time off from the barrage of horrifying headlines. It's just death and Mitch McConnell all day every day. And now that work has given me responsibility for this horrible bear of a project, with no clear end date (yay, Congress), I spend 8-9 hours a day on camera in overlapping meetings, eating at my desk, unable to scrape up the time and energy to even walk around the block, let alone attend classes to learn a new language. I'm going to have to just flush that money down the toilet and it was the only social interaction I had on my calendar that wasn't work and I'm so stressed and miserable and have literally no idea how to fix it or when it will ever end. I had just started to play Animal Crossing a bit on the weekends with MeFites and now I don't even have time to do that; all my cute little animal friends are probably going to move out because I don't have time for them. And I feel terrible because with my brain weasels I'm a flaky quitter under the best of circumstances, so I guess I'm just continuing to be a flaky quitter in quarantine too. And there's nothing I can really do at work to address it. We're a nonprofit, the expectation is that we will just figure it out through sheer scrappiness and commitment to the cause.

But I swear, I really am grateful that I am employed and not homeschooling kids or caregiving or sick with COVID, I am just so anxious and my depression is flaring up and I feel like a terrible human being for even having these thoughts. I miss sleeping. And sunlight. And not feeling like a terrible downer rain cloud in every conversation I enter.

Thanks for letting me howl into the void a little.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 10:24 AM on May 7 [8 favorites]


HOLY CRAP STANCZYK. I can't even imagine but wow! That could have gone so many ways but I mean, you did as well/better than anyone might expect and no damage to person or property. (Except the social distancing. But one of those people would have to have the thing and be contagious and breath/spit on or near you, seems like the odds are in your favor but I know that won't stop you worrying for a while). So sorry that happened, goddamn! You will be ok. Freak occurrence. And they caught him. Hope you feel better soon.
posted by Glinn at 10:29 AM on May 7 [1 favorite]


oh geez bowtiesarecool - that SUCKS you get no break from the news. You may need to tell the boss you need a break if they don't want you to burn out or something. Of course I have no idea if that is any kind of option. Obviously you are not a flaky quitter holy cow but an overwhelmed person whose work is taking advantage of them! I sure hope you manage a walk today. Just do one block, the first one is the hardest! I hope you get a break/feel better/do some Animal Crossing.
posted by Glinn at 10:35 AM on May 7


Welp, I’m getting furloughed. At least I still have a job, and at least I have the stimulus check to help, so I will just utter a tiny quiet “fuck.”
posted by HotToddy at 1:55 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]


So sorry HotToddy.

Stanczyk, you poor thing, I'm so sorry that happened!
posted by daybeforetheday at 2:29 PM on May 7


For 15 minutes today I thought that my bicycle was stolen. You see, it had been so long since I had ridden it that I didn't recognize it even though it was locked up in the bike room right next to my wife's. I thought our bikes were identical, except in size, but they were not. Mine was the same make and model but a different color.

So there was a fast wave emotional rollercoaster embedded for me in this slow wave emotional rollercoaster we are all experiencing.

Also my tires are flat.
posted by srboisvert at 3:49 PM on May 7 [7 favorites]


A warm day in May turned into a hot day in May and my stupid idiot ass kept gardening and watering and tending to the veggies without tending to myself. I shed clothes but I did not put on a hat and now I feel all barfy and heatstroke-y. On the bright side the sudden heat blast means the tomatoes look amazing. I do not.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 9:43 PM on May 7 [2 favorites]


I know the grass is always greener on the other side, but I deeply wish I had a romantic partner here with whom to cocoon against this... this... miasma of isolation and foreboding and intense uncertainty. Almost literally cocooning—I never feel so safe and secure as when I'm bundled into bed with someone. Just that the person is right there beside me and that I'm there for them has always been so reassuring.

I've become accustomed to enduring; there are things I don't dwell upon and I take it a day at a time. Very occasionally a conjunction of events overwhlems—last week I had to do some minor chore around the house, beyond my usual minimal physical activity, and while I expected the pain, it was worse than I thought it'd be and, as a result, everything else I normally have to do daily, such as basic functioning and personal hygiene, became three times more difficult, awkward, and painful than usual for the next 48 hours. And it just pissed me off. Then I found myself feeling self-pity, which I absolutely hate and avoid, which just pissed me off more.

It's like, well, everything was pretty challenging anyway and now there's a fucking pandemic going on and I've been paying too close attention to not be very pessimistic about the next, fuck, the next year? Two years? And I'm all jesus fuck I need just a minute to shut it out and be close and warm with someone under the duvet while we tell each other we'll get through this.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 10:04 PM on May 7 [7 favorites]


The forced attempts at cheer at my work are really wearing me down.

Today was the weekly team meeting, and the meeting invite said something like "wear a funny hat if you want."

So my boss went down the WebEx list of meeting participants and asked each and every one of us if we were wearing a hat (and if we weren't on video, to describe the hat.)

Hat questioning went on for 40 minutes (we are a large team). The usual total meeting time is less than 30 minutes. Usually I cheer myself up by reminding myself that I get paid hourly (rather than salaried), so this sort of nonsense increases my take-home pay. But they cut my hourly wages on May 1, so that's just a sore spot at the moment.

They are also talking about "the return to work" even though buses are only taking a small fraction of the pre-Covid number of passengers, and even though our building says only two people will be allowed in our elevator banks at a time. This is a 40-story skyscraper. I can easily imagine waiting hours for a bus to arrive, and hours for the elevator banks to open up, adding hours to my workday but not adding to my pay. I really hate that the people in charge don't seem to care about how much harder a return to the office will be.

I know I'm lucky to have a job , especially since the job market in my field is horrendously competitive, but I am kind of hoping for a break in projects at some point so I can take a few days off. Not that there's anything I want to do in particular, but I would love to get a break from pretending everything's fine for the benefit of people who don't care about me.
posted by creepygirl at 12:05 AM on May 8 [10 favorites]


Ugh, yes. I'm sure some people appreciate this kind of thing, but it turns out I have no patience for digital/virtual forced cheer and work-related socialising, which is odd because I kind of like it in person.

This week I had one meeting that was scheduled for 1.5 hours, but they promised they'd keep it short, and then the boss decided to START by having every person present just talk a little about how things are going and what they've been up to, one by one, before we could get started on the agenda. With the number of people there, that used up nearly half an hour, and then the meeting went way over time (I left after 1.5 hours but they had only made it through 2/3 of the agenda).

Then there was another one which did at least keep to time (ish), but that started with the chair pointing out that although there had been a meeting earlier that day for people to specifically talk about how they were coping with the pandemic, everyone there had been too cheerful to be plausible, and they wanted us to spend some time instead talking about the really difficult stuff and the things we weren't coping with. Guys, there's a reason many people don't feel safe saying that stuff at work meetings. Don't force it.
posted by lollusc at 12:15 AM on May 8 [4 favorites]


Creepygirl, you have my sympathy. I would rather have a colonoscopy broadcast on YouTube than participate in a funny hat day.
posted by daybeforetheday at 3:11 AM on May 8 [5 favorites]


Gads. Mandatory fun. I can’t stand that kind of thing in the best of times.

One day at my old job, just as my dept was starting a meeting, the company director came in and told us that everyone was meeting in the training room to DRAW TREES. For fun. And win a prize for best tree. ( The company was in no way affiliated with trees or nature of any kind.) I drew a stick-figure version of a tree in about 5 seconds. I did not win a prize.

creepygirl, that hat thing sounds awful.
posted by bookmammal at 6:47 AM on May 8 [4 favorites]


A warm day in May turned into a hot day in May and my stupid idiot ass kept gardening and watering and tending to the veggies without tending to myself. I shed clothes but I did not put on a hat and now I feel all barfy and heatstroke-y. On the bright side the sudden heat blast means the tomatoes look amazing. I do not.

I just want you to know that you are not alone: Queen's Brian May hospitalized after ripping butt muscles 'to shreds' while gardening
posted by srboisvert at 12:55 PM on May 8 [3 favorites]


People I know are starting to get COVID-19 and lose family members to COVID-19, and hoo boy. It's one thing to read about racial disparities in who this disease is affecting, but it's another thing to see it play out in real time among your friends and acquaintances. I am so sad and so angry.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 6:22 PM on May 8 [13 favorites]


I am exhausted. I have barely left home for weeks, I'm barely managing to keep the kids occupied. The house is a mess, I'm not keeping on top of things at work and my depression is getting worse the longer this goes on
posted by snippet at 6:52 PM on May 9 [3 favorites]


The Herald Sun has a "school back in 2 weeks" headline. Argh.
posted by freethefeet at 12:18 AM on May 10


This morning I texted my mom, sister, and aunt to see if they'd like to do a Mother's Day zoom call (I'm in Oregon, they're all in Florida though my mom and sis are on the opposite coasts). My sister texted back that she, my niece, and Mom are all doing a "social distancing" Mother's Day at her house and I fucking KNOW it's not going to be an actual social distancing event, there's no way there won't be hugging at the very least and I'm wondering if it only became a "social distancing" event at all when I texted (my sister said Mom could be in the backyard while she and my niece were in the house, and I highly doubt Mom got to the backyard by climbing over the fucking fence). My sister shares custody with a truly dirtbag ex who I sincerely doubt is keeping Niece socially distanced; my mother is in her 70s and has been stressing me out at her lapses in social distancing all along - this whole thing just seems like such a mess.

Now I'm stuck and don't know what to do. I love them all but fucking hate being unable to escape my childhood/teenage role as the downer, the judgmental one, the one who won't just shove their filthy feelings down in a hole and dance our happy dance because growing up in an alcoholic family you'd damn well better grab the peaceful times when they happen because chaos and terror are coming for you all again at any moment ... Obviously this is tapping into a lot of feelings I'm working hard on in therapy but fuck. Just fuck. I wanted to do a nice thing and now I'm freaking out and feeling trapped because the only three options I can see are to put on my happy mask and pretend all is well, be honest that I'm upset and once again be the judgey asshole ruining things for everyone, or just put my phone down and pretend I'd never offered, and none of these have very happy outcomes.

God damnit.
posted by DingoMutt at 11:26 AM on May 10 [6 favorites]


Everything is trash... my microwave broke, cat issues, my bedroom door lock is stuffed meaning I risk being trapped inside, problems at work, job losses at work, OCD and asthma escalating. It just never ends, does it? Minor crap upon minor crap until you want to sleep all day.
posted by daybeforetheday at 4:55 PM on May 10 [2 favorites]


I know it's just ant season and I've developed a much more blase reaction over all to the temporary presence of ants in the house and even on my desk, but there were fucking ants CRAWLING ON MY BREAKFAST HUNK OF HOME-BAKED CHALLAH this morning and fuck that all the way to the moon what the fuck
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:01 PM on May 10 [10 favorites]


Cortex I am feeling you so hard. We've been having ant incursions off and on in the house but it's ant season so whatever- but a few days ago I realized they found a hole in my defenses in the shower and turning one's head to reach for the shampoo only to find the bottle you just grabbed has 20 ants on it is a sensation I'm sure there's a German word for. It's been bad in the garden too- the little 6 legged bastards have gone from spreading aphids to spreading scale insects. Luckily for me when dad was cleaning up his work bench he found like 3 boxes of the good borax ant baits that won't kill anything but ants so I've been carpet bombing the house and garden with them. It'll be a few more days til I can tell if they've worked or not- finger's crossed.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:49 PM on May 10


Ha! Vindication! Fishing is allowed before schools go back, and enough for people to enjoy before school announcements happen.

Ha ha!
posted by freethefeet at 2:28 AM on May 11


I feel your pain, cortex and Homo neanderthalensis. I have basically given up on fighting off the ants, which seem to have gotten bigger this year, but I wish they would not crawl on my fancy amaro bottles. The bread is safe...for now?
posted by ferret branca at 1:19 PM on May 11 [1 favorite]


Thanks everyone for the dream I had last night about ants re-invading my bathroom.

(That said, I think my cats now catch and eat ants when they find them. They watched me squash a bunch before starting to hunt and play with them, and the last few times, I'm pretty sure I saw them eat the ants. We are fortunate and tend to see only 1-3 at a time usually, almost always in the bathroom. Thank goodness.)
posted by ktkt at 1:50 PM on May 11 [1 favorite]


FFS. What is Happening?

So I got a big flood light and three security cameras and I installed them. And the cameras send my phone and my wife's iPad a notification whenever something moves. And it works pretty good, maybe too good. It was annoying my wife to get notifications when the dog was in the yard so she turned them off this afternoon figuring they weren't that necessary during the day.

I just went in for dinner and before I sat down to eat, I did what I typically do this time of day, I look on the porch to see if we got any deliveries. There were no deliveries on the porch, but I looked down and someone had placed a computer bag between the screen door and the door, and it had a note stapled to it.

I put on gloves and I picked it up, and the note was to my 16YO son, saying this was a gift to unlock his potential. No signature. And I looked inside and it was a brand new laptop computer. WTF? I called my son down and asked if he knew who might have done this, and he had no idea. While it's a nice gesture, it's also way fucking creepy. My son is creeped out by it, I'm creeped out by it, and it happened while our new cameras and alarm system were turned off.

If I was reading in a book about everything that's happened to me this week, I'd chuck that book at the wall because it's simply incredulous. Why is the world fucking with me? How frightened does it want me to be? What the fuck is going on?
posted by Stanczyk at 2:56 PM on May 11 [7 favorites]


Maybe from one of the neighbors the guy you caused to be caught had stolen something from?

Aside from the value of whatever he took that they might get back, there's the peace of mind that comes from knowing he won't return — which would be absolutely fucking tremendous.
posted by jamjam at 4:18 PM on May 11


Whoever lives in the apartment above mine (very very large building) has been doing something so upsettingly loud... I can't even fathom what it is. It sounds/FEELS as though they are rolling a large piece of square furniture across the floor, repeatedly. And I can't find the phone number of the security desk, and I can't see myself leaving my apartment to bang on their door or report them, with the heightened tensions some people are experiencing right now and my own personal safety to think of. They are taking a break right at the moment but at one point it got on my nerves so badly that I screamed "FUCK OFF" at the top of my lungs...I'm a singer, it was loud. I hope they heard me. This is not a good time to be a bad neighbour.
posted by wellred at 4:59 PM on May 11 [4 favorites]


I am just starting to see shit hit the fan for non-tenure-track faculty in my department. This is going to kill so many programs over the next few years. :(
posted by nakedmolerats at 1:34 PM on May 12 [7 favorites]


Welp Harper has completed the conservative money-before-people, CPC leadership trifecta with a call for austerity as a response to pandemic policy, inducing head desk maneuvers across the county. *SLAM* *SLAM* *Slam* *slam* *slam* *slam* *slam*
posted by Mitheral at 12:17 PM on May 13 [2 favorites]


And by a 4-3 vote the GOP-dominated Wisconsin Supreme Court overturned our stay-at-home order and now there are no rules, although some of the progressive counties, like Dane (Madison) will continue it. I don't think we can count on our local officials to do the right thing although, to their credit, the tourism folks are urging visitors to stay away. Our winter population is 30,000 swells to 100,000 in the summer but we only have four ICU beds.

But the Wisconsin Tavern League is telling its members to open right back up. I'm the Commodore of the local yacht club and manage its restaurant and bar. So far, we've been doing well with takeout. Today two fast food restaurants in town closed after people tested positive for COVID-19. Staff do not want to reopen and I support that 100 percent. We're all terrified that the Trumpy Board of Directors will vote to reopen. I will not be a part of that. If the BOD insists that we reopen, I will resign. That will be very hard on us socially, but it's the right thing to do and, fortunately, Mr Carmicha supports that choice as an ethical response.
posted by carmicha at 10:03 PM on May 13 [9 favorites]


People who wear masks but not properly remind me that there are people who will bag up their dog's shit and then drop it on the ground in the bag.
posted by srboisvert at 11:35 AM on May 14 [1 favorite]


I put on gloves and I picked it up, and the note was to my 16YO son, saying this was a gift to unlock his potential. No signature. And I looked inside and it was a brand new laptop computer. WTF? I called my son down and asked if he knew who might have done this, and he had no idea. While it's a nice gesture, it's also way fucking creepy. My son is creeped out by it, I'm creeped out by it, and it happened while our new cameras and alarm system were turned off.

I recommend you format that laptop and reinstall if you are inclined to use it.
posted by srboisvert at 11:39 AM on May 14 [2 favorites]


The virus has proven that there is literally, absolutely nothing that can bridge the ideological gap between the Trumpists and the sane but quiet majority.

SANE BUT QUIET MAJORITY: It's probably a bad idea to hook one's testicles up to a car battery.

TRUMPISTS: Typical libtard lies! (*hook collective testicles up to car batteries*)

MEDIA: Americans debating the merits of hooking testicles to car batteries.

ME: Use an actual main verb god dammit

Do you suppose it's the case that bridging the aforementoned ideological gap is the only way to save democracy in the U.S.? I sure hope not, because if so…fucking fuck.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 1:23 PM on May 14 [4 favorites]


I don't really have anything to contribute to this thread: Kushner was the reason testing didn't happen in March.

I just want to know how the fuck can someone be that stupid?
posted by rdr at 5:12 PM on May 14 [1 favorite]


I am so volatile and judgmental anymore and find myself flying off the handle and saying or writing the most intemperate things. And then regretting my outbursts so soon after and apologizing profusely. These are such stressful times for us all.
posted by y2karl at 5:41 PM on May 14 [8 favorites]


I am so volatile and judgmental anymore and find myself flying off the handle and saying or writing the most intemperate things. And then regretting my outbursts so soon after and apologizing profusely. These are such stressful times for us all.

I'm feeling this too. I'm immensely frustrated that I lost my single greatest mental health outlet - Running on the Lakefront Trail in Chicago regularly. It's been replaced with dangerous and stressful runs at 5:30 am that really suck and take a tremendous effort to do but I think I have to keep my cardiovascular fitness up because it is respiratory virus pandemic so I do it. But I argue online about it because I think shutting down Chicago's biggest pro-active health maintenance resource without even trying to make it work is a huge civic failure. Yet I also I find myself wondering if I am being on of 'those people' who thinks their particular need is the justified one in this crisis.

So when I am out I am judging everyone, out of necessity, to decide if they are going to be a risk to me...how far away from them should I get? How early should I cross the street? Do they seem responsible or reckless? and I act on those essentially prejudiced judgements (though my prejudices are "Do they look like they went out for St. Patrick's day?" or "Are they a stick-it-to-the-libs cough on everyone Republican?" and so on). But I also find myself thinking "I'm just trying my best not to get sick and die or make somebody else sick" and those who are not making a similar effort might be even more scared than I am and simply cannot face up giant cloud of mortality that is our short, medium and long range forecast and this results in an, uncharacteristic for me, little dose grace. It's a strange feeling because in 'the before' I was a pretty unforgiving bastard.
posted by srboisvert at 10:30 AM on May 15 [1 favorite]


I made a therapy appointment with a new therapist earlier this week and I'm going to cancel it. Therapy isn't going to help me, I'd rather work another hour of overtime. I've spent every minute dreading it so one less thing to worry about.
posted by Freeze Peach at 1:37 PM on May 16


When lockdown was first imposed (Spain) I was given an opportunity to live on a farm outside of town with an acquaintance. Went to visit, had some beers, thought 'why not', and committed.

Things... Did not go well. Vermin problems on the farm, host wouldn't give me a copy of the key, broken refrigerator... And all this after a lovely move to a nice apartment in town.

Needless to say I moved back to town as soon as it was legal for some friends to come get me and my stuff, but I'm weak and emotionally drained and now tapering off of some anti anxiety medication that I used in reaction to 'The Event'.

I suppose it was poor judgement to enter the scenario without interrogating further, but everything I saw seemed perfect. Lesson learned I guess.

Now I feel so set back, underfed, and weak after no exercise, and I think I pissed my landlord off by hightailing. Plus I've just been admitted to a very nice pod and I hate doing med management when I should be having fun.

Fuck.
posted by jpziller at 6:37 PM on May 16


Not life-threatening, but deeply, deeply irritating:

I swear to Christ, trying to deal with US taxes and banking when you live in a different country is a fucking ordeal. So I filed our taxes last month like we're supposed to, and even though we didn't owe or have a refund (as usual), the preparation site offered me the option of entering my direct deposit info so I could get our stimulus payment. So far, so good. Fortunately I still retain an American bank account for some recurring things I can't use a UK bank account for, so in that information went.

However, when I finally got into the IRS site to find out when the payment was coming, it turned out they'd mailed a physical check. For those of you who don't live in the UK, trying to deposit a US check into a UK bank account is damned near an impossibility...and even if the bank does accept it, clearing the thing can take somewhere around six weeks at best.

However, my American bank has an app to theoretically let me deposit checks by taking a picture of the front and reverse. So I did that. The next day, there's the full amount sitting in the account, and I started looking around for a reputable international money transfer service to get it all into our main account over here.

The next next day, though, they'd reversed the payment with a note saying "Payee mismatch". Turns out I'd forgotten the account is only in my name, and the check had both mine and Mrs. Example's names on it. We'd both endorsed the thing (barely remembering how; we haven't handled checks in something like thirteen years), but apparently their automated system didn't care for it.

Now I have to make an international call to try and straighten the whole thing out and hope I get one of the rare service agent clued-up about this sort of thing. They're a smallish local credit union and not a national bank, so the number of international situations they deal with is pretty close to zero. As a bonus, they're seven time zones behind me, so I get to wait all day long until I can get an answer. Fuck.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:56 PM on May 17


Ugh, what a headache. IRS refund checks to joint filers say AND instead of OR on the payee line, which means the banks have different policies. (Either payee can deposit the check if it says OR, under the Uniform Commercial Code.)

Maybe they can just open a new account in both of your names to accept the check electronically? You're an existing customer, so they might be willing to do that without you being there personally if they've previously verified Mrs. Example's identity.

Another option would be to look into a bank that accepts deposits by mail. I don't know what Simple's reputation is like, or what's required to open a new account, but you'd think it would all be done online as that's the point of the operation. They have mail deposit and offer joint accounts. They're a part of BBVA Group's American subsidiary, which might be convenient to have a relationship with while in Europe.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:21 AM on May 18


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