How about a new fuckity fucks post? December 5, 2020 3:40 PM   Subscribe

Time for a new fucking fucks post? I really liked that MeTa post where we were all posting Jingle Bell fucks. Hath you any, dear friends? Share them right here! Verse, prose, however moves you.

Here’s mine:

That feeling in your chest
You try to do a scrëm
Your husband tries his best
To take one for the team
My stalker has found out
Just how to break my neck
I wish that she would scoot right off
Into the pits of heck! Oh..
posted by The Last Sockpuppet to MetaFilter-Related at 3:40 PM (78 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

-Haven't worked since April, everything posted looks awful but I have no choice but to apply for them anyway because my unemployment is about to run out

-Have been looking for a roommate for two months and still haven't found one despite making several offers, doing interviews almost every day and so so sick of giving facetime tours of my apartment, and of keeping it perfectly neat and clean and presentable

-Dad is in a care home for physical therapy for at least the next two weeks because he fell and hurt himself

-Oh yeah, and after he was admitted he was diagnosed with covid, my mom then got tested and has it too, their symptoms seem mild but who fucking knows?? And they've been more careful than literally anyone I know.

I really just feel. Bad. Fucking very bad.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:27 PM on December 5, 2020 [27 favorites]

So, my mother died earlier this year, I had to have my poor kitty put down because the inoperable tumour in her neck was starving her to death, there was a storm and a tree came *this* close to landing on the house, then the swarm of bees tried to move into my range hood (if only I was making that up), then there was another storm earlier this week and I had two trees come down missing the house by *thiiiis* much again, and I. Am. Fucking. Done. Except that I was putting washing out this morning and managed to tread on tree debris and slash my instep open, bleeding all over my favourite Birkenstocks. I'd cry but there's a very real chance that I wouldn't stop.

I am, however, going to see someone about adopting a little black kitten later today so fingers crossed (and I will pay cat tax if successful). I feel that I should probably order a tall, pointy black hat at this point. When does Crone Island intake start?
posted by ninazer0 at 4:41 PM on December 5, 2020 [36 favorites]

A close family friend - my first real crush, a really amazing and wonderful man I've known since I was a baby and he was six -died on Monday. My brother's third friend from high school and college to die of a drug overdose ODed on fentanyl and died on Tuesday. My uncle is in the ICU in a COVID-rich part of Brooklyn getting emergency surgery and a substantial blood transfusion for surprise internal bleeding. I am so angry and sad and just fucking furious that I can't go an hour up to New Hampshire for Jay's funeral to see his sisters and parents, or a half hour to fucking Danvers for Richie's funeral (on behalf of my brother who I haven't seen for two years because of fucking Trump and the Iran bullshit last year and now COVID) and I can't get to New York to help out my uncle and relieve the burden on his girlfriend, all I can do is walk around a 5 mile radius in Boston with a mask on but it's sleeting (we can't even manage real snow, we have this bullshit freezing rain) so all that will do is make me even more grumpy. Fuck. Gah. Argh!!!
posted by ChuraChura at 5:22 PM on December 5, 2020 [26 favorites]

Covid free hugs for everyone! This isolation is crappy, and it is fattening, and it is tempting to take risks, but don't. I raked leaves today, it is therapeutic, the sound, the satisfaction of putting this year to bed, dang! This year!
posted by Oyéah at 6:42 PM on December 5, 2020 [11 favorites]

I posted this on Twitter back on July 1: "overwhelmed and exhausted and wondering when I'm going to be able to cry"

Still true.
posted by shiny blue object at 7:05 PM on December 5, 2020 [11 favorites]

within the past seven months i’ve had a kidney transplant, a tumor, and an aneurysm and i’m weirdly fine but it’s like the universe is playing some psychotic game of bingo
posted by mochapickle at 7:12 PM on December 5, 2020 [45 favorites]

I dream of the day when I can once again take a shower without having to:

* lean on the back of a chair for support as I step into the tub
* sit down
* have my roommate help me wriggle my braced-up leg up and over the edge of the tub and past the sliding glass doors and out of the tub to balance on the edge of the toilet because I CAN'T BEND MY DAMN LEG ENOUGH TO FIT IT IN YET

I also dream of the day when I can manage the FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS I have to navigate just to leave my apartment without having to wear a knee brace and brace myself against the wall and the railing.

I only leave the apartment for physical therapy, and I only shower twice a week because it's such a faff. I am bored silly and I smell bad.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:17 PM on December 5, 2020 [21 favorites]

The bad things are really bad, and they just keep coming. I'm sorry for everything y'all are dealing with right now. Been there on the "only leaving home for physical therapy" front, EmpressCallipygos, in 2018, and I can only say it'll get better in time, but yeah, it intensely sucks while you're going through it.

Re: crying, heh, I've been tracking "what made me cry today" in a Twitter thread since like early August. Sincerely hoping I continue to survive all this and it just becomes an artifact of what we all went through, someday down the line.

My ex in another city was potentially exposed yesterday; they saw a friend briefly, and the friend's spouse tested positive today. Another friend who works in the friend's spouse's store also has it. So now my ex is self-quarantining and going to get rapid-tested in a couple days. At least they can get testing appointments where they are.

My most recent partner and I split up early last month, right before they returned to the city after 3 months away; we're still friends and still in a bubble, but yeah, now I'm trying to date again, whatever that even looks like now, at the height of a pandemic, ahhh. Bubbling with a steady partner was much easier, I fully acknowledge. So I guess now I'm in this club.

I met someone I thought was cool a few weeks ago, but I think all the alone time put both of us in a place that's not ideal, 'cause we got along great by text but outright argued in person, after I'd taken 4 1/2 hours out of my Sunday to get rapid-tested and all (not that I'm owed anything for that, of course, more just noting it for the record). I thought about it more afterward and realized I was going through stages of grief still for the previous relationship. We both agreed to give it another shot, but then within the space of like 3 days after this date, they scratched their cornea, heard from me that I was still grieving, then found out they'd potentially been exposed to the virus by someone in their bubble. It took a few days for them to get tested and 10 days to get their result: negative. I tried to gently keep up with them with periodic encouraging texts in those two weeks they were quarantining, but their anxiety was off-the-charts bad, apparently the ongoing attention was overwhelming and suspect to them, and they said they felt too much pressure and would have to revisit it. Phew.

Not gonna hold my breath on that, but I took a break for like a week, then did decide to go through and like some more people and start conversations. I'm currently on a staycation—I'd planned months ago to travel with my partner for this week and a half, but that being off the table, I'm still taking the time to work through my burnout. So I've talked to a few people and gotten a few interesting conversations going, but yeah, feeling a bit unsure myself about how to even do this right now. Maybe it's foolish to try, but it's one of the only things I feel motivated to do, just talk to people and see what happens.

Love to you all, seriously.
posted by limeonaire at 7:39 PM on December 5, 2020 [8 favorites]

Well I ordered LED Lights and two mini-trees, as I'm not going home for the holidays. Have a week off, but. Why? The least it could do is snow 2 feet and dampened this whole year.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 8:54 PM on December 5, 2020 [3 favorites]

Cat tax, as promised.
posted by ninazer0 at 1:44 AM on December 6, 2020 [31 favorites]

ninszer0, that is the cutest void I have ever stated into!

For my fucking fucks, this week has been so plentiful. This is long because I don’t have the energy to read it now that I have written it all out. Much less match the verb tenses. So I’ll just sigh here and say fuuuuuuuuck.

Last Saturday I fell off the stoop on my way to take a walk with a friend I have not seen in nearly a year. So I end up doing RICE for 3 days. Still swollen after all that, but I’m tough so whatever. I keep wearing a compression sock.

Tuesday morning, I got a call from my brand new gyn that my AMH is 0.7 and I should definitely not delay on seeing the fertility specialist. Whose office I have been playing phone tag with for a month and they will not let me share information asynchronously. My partner has his appt scheduled for Wednesday.

Tuesday afternoon I got a call that a former mayor of my hometown and two family members have all had a major major terrible event that I am being intentionally vague about here. They are all in-laws of someone I am very close with. That person is devastated. I wish I could hug them.

Tuesday evening we learn that the apartment partner and I are supposed to begin moving boxes into is nowhere near ready. The washer dryer has not arrived, the dishwasher needs to be replaced, the painters have not been in. That’s ok! We have current apartment until Monday! Another day is fiiiiine!

Middle of the night Tuesday. 2am I become extremely anxious (for a person with a diagnosed anxiety disorder, dozens of DBT coping skills) and extremely queasy. I think, huh, my period had been due Saturday but with everything else going on it had just not seemed worth investigating because it’s been a year and why would this be different. Suddenly it is very important to investigate. Two lines. Two more tests. Lots of lines. I send partner to nearest drug store for an expensive test. Plus sign. Yaaaay! We are both very excited. (So far everything around that has been goooooood, I will try not to bore you with details here)

Wednesday. I get an email that I have new test results in my health portal from the hospital system where I spent a night in the ER with wild lower left abdominal pain in early November. Huh. I haven’t had any tests there lately but I check it out. My CT scan has been updated/reviewed.

Hiatal hernia. Inflamed gallbladder.

Fuck. Did I mention I am freshly pregnant? I can increase my walking. Uh. Sure, Jan.

Also Wednesday, we have video consult with partners fertility doc. Positive result leads doc to say “right now, you don’t need me, I love to say it, hopefully I’ll never see you again.” It was stressful because that consult was expensive. Then he said “no charge for this visit because I’m not doing anything for you. Good luck, call back if god forbid you do need me.” Phew. Partner has crappy insurance and is planning on researching better options for next year so that’s just back burner stress.

Thursday, we just need a room at the new place to be painted and dry to start moving boxes into. So we can pack more boxes snd have a place to put them in old apartment. No.

Friday morning, second blood draw, yay. The MA gives me a bag with vitamin samples, two tiny bottles, and a pamphlet that tells me it is safe to wear a seatbelt. I am so sad for people who don’t believe in or know about basic medical science and believe unsafe things are safe. I realize I surely have some mistaken beliefs in this realm and don’t know what they are. That’s unpleasant. There is an actually helpful list of which seafoods to eat lots of and which are just sometimes foods. As Cookie Monster would say.

We are told we can move boxes in “after 5.” We finally get keys at 7, the plumber is still in there with no mask on. We are moving boxes in a giant borrowed red wagon. My whole body hurts and I fall asleep at 8:30. Current apartment is tiny so a lot of the packing is happening while ine person drives the wagon to new place and unloads it. Dresser drawers need to be empty for movers. Bookcases need to be empty for movers. It is raining.

Partner is recovering from breaking his ankle in august. Thank god he has been diligent about his Physical therapy. My ankle is getting worse.

We stop dragging the wagon for the night at 10 or 11, pack more at old apartment and put boxes in the hall. Sleep at 1am.

At about 4 am I hear sirens. I am worried about our neighbor on the 5th floor who is not in great health. I listen for activity in the building indicating they neighbor is having trouble. Nothing in the building. The sirens sound like they’re getting farther away. I fall asleep. At 5 I get a call from our next door neighbor that the building ‘next door’ is on fire. It is still raining. I meet her out front. There are dozens of people. It’s the building that burned in February, taking our favorite Italian restaurant, owned by a packers fan from Italy. That building has been vacant for ten months now can finally undergoing asbestos abatement because it’s not longer exempt from that part of the building code.

Flames are shooting out the front of nearly every story. I can see three engines and a ladder truck to my left. More trucks to my right. This is bad. Our apartment gets very hot in winter and all our windows are open. But I don’t remember that, standing outside and watching a hundred year old building destroyed. The fire hoses break the rest of the glass and the noise of the glass hitting the sidewalk is familiar from the time when covid was freaking me out and nobody else seemed to be aware of it except Rachel Maddow.

Neighbor and I walk around the block to see if the adjacent church is ok, because the rectory was altered several years ago so that it is now connected to the church. The rectory is adjacent to our building. We learn on one corner that everyone above the ice cream shop has been ordered out of their building.

The church is a glowing shell.

We stand and gape. Neighbor is worried about her dog. We go back to our building.

I won’t sleep again except to nap from 11:30-1. Partner and I agree we should hustle boxes out, starting with his company’s computers. Peripherals can wait.

Movers cancel.

There is a manhole fire at some point in the morning on the other end of the block that in its own would be a major disruption. We don’t hear about it for hours. It has rained all morning. The new apartment is only four blocks away but it feels like another city altogether.

Movers rescheduled to Sunday at 1:30. Collapse crews are called in by the fire department. The police department puts of investigation tape.

Someone begins Jack hammering around a manhole right in front out our window.

I am so tired and my ankle hurts.

We keep packing and moving and did I mention I am pregnant? I start spotting and since two people at the gyn said “call right away if there is any bleeding,” I call even though I’m not actually worried because the world is literally in fire. Doc calls back, says if there is a lot of blood or a sharp pain or a lot of pain, call back. Fair.

I am more worried about my ankle. I schedule podiatry appointment for Monday. I fall asleep at 9:30 and when I wake two hours later I have been having such nightmares. I look at the time and despair that I have only slept two hours. It is so hot in the apartment because we cannot open any windows. My ankle hurts most when any pressure is applied to ine particular spot. I convince myself it is broken.

I sleep again until 1am, chat with partner who has managed to get a half hour of sleep and has packed “a bunch more stuff.” I chug some water. I sleep again.

And then I woke up 6 hours later, and was relieved to see this thread where I can lay out this much in one place. I know I have forgotten many of the stresses of this week. They were minor in comparison and we have been extremely lucky.

Did I mention I’m pregnant? (Insert Garfunkel and Oates’ Pregnant Women Are Smug.

I would link it, but I’m on my phone and every computer is 4 blocks away.

What. A. Week.
posted by bilabial at 5:15 AM on December 6, 2020 [44 favorites]

Did I mention my mental health is the worst it’s ever been? I would go into details but am concerned they’d get deleted. I was delivering food this morning and my husband tried to call after I got out of the car when we had parked up and I nearly turned the phone off and threw it into the road. I often don’t say this stuff because people say they’re sorry and I want to tell them to shove their sorry up their arse, which I obviously don’t do. When social forces don’t work to stop a persistent threat that’s high in risk and hazard but is nevertheless seen as free speech, one contends with one’s animal instinct. Don’t be sorry for me. Or at least don’t tell me so. Use the motive energy from that to do something you feel you can do something about.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 5:29 AM on December 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

Oh, here is some singsong saccharine for you: my carcass is safe, and I encourage everyone else to keep themselves safe, because there is a chance bad things will pass. There, I have said the words. If someone emails me and sends me a list of numbers to call, they will be wasting time. I HAVE SAFETY PLANS IN PLACE AND SO SHOULD YOU *tm* *rictus*
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 5:31 AM on December 6, 2020 [2 favorites]

Also, for everyone in this thread and particularly bilabial, I am happy to offer money, time, and connections. Also writing and editing, in the service of improving your lot. For free and under your control. I’m actionish, not sorry
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 5:32 AM on December 6, 2020 [1 favorite]

My dad got remarried on Friday. My siblings are hurt that he did not try harder to do something or wait a while so we could be there to support him. I hope this puts an end to the weird drama the two of them created and keep performing even though neither my siblings nor myself are responding in the manner they have scripted in their heads.

I'm happy for him, but it made the loss of my mom fresh all over again. I spent Friday evening crying.

Today an ill wind has blown through the house. Wigford will not stop wailing. Menace and Mayhem are hiding. Boy theBRKP has been sobbing off and on since last night and one of his toes looks odd and will need a podiatrist. Spouse has been haranguing boy and I because we are NOT DOING RANDOM THING CORRECTLY. I feel sick.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 6:18 AM on December 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

I found out that I'm not getting promoted... For the 3rd time. Now I am waiting to find out how much money my company is willing to throw at me to try to keep me. I have created a (near)perfect job with good people over the last 3 years, and while previously I've said, look the work is interesting, I work with good people, make a comfortable living, it's fine, this year it's a harder pill to swallow to again. I work in an industry with distinct ageism/prestige issues and I'm feeling the pressure to keep moving up the ladder so I don't stall out my career, which ugh yes I know has it's own set of issues.

I'm ambitious enough that I want more, but also supremely aware of my privelege and feel guilty that I am in this position to even consider job hunting in a pandemic. ugh.

Oh and apparently I have really high blood pressure to the point that the last time I went for covid testing they booked me in for a physical ASAP... Which is tomorrow at 9am, right after a really akward meeting with my department head at 8:30. Doubt my blood pressure will be any lower.

(And then there's general pandemic fuckery, where I haven't seen my siblings in over a year, have only seen my parents from a distance, and have been doing all the "right" things, while others visit their families, live their lives and spread disease)

Anyways fuck this shit.
posted by larthegreat at 1:24 PM on December 6, 2020 [9 favorites]

For the longest time I couldn't think beyond the election. Now I can't think beyond Covid-19 which obviously has no schedule. So I'm becoming more and more anxious and throwing away clutter and cleaning everything and "controlling" everything because chaos upsets me and I feel like there's nothing in the future to anchor things. I'm letting Christmas* guide me through time and space right now–but beyond that? Trump's lack of concession makes me more anxious about the inauguration than excited for it, so I'm not really allowing myself to focus on it. Each day I just brace myself for something terrible to happen, or for another person at work to test positive for Covid, or to hear another person has died. I'm pretty lucky in that I'm ok, so far–and working. I have that. But otherwise everything is up in the air. And that was ok until about a week ago, when it really started not being ok for me for whatever reason. I think this is how a lot of people are feeling right now and we're all just trying to keep it together.

*We're not really doing Christmas this year, which is totally fine.

Plus someone stole my identity the other day.
posted by marimeko at 4:58 PM on December 6, 2020 [7 favorites]

My contract is up in two weeks and I am currently waiting to hear whether I'll be continuing and for how long. I am alone and tired and anxious, everyone is weird and scary, and I have been working without vacation since July, and even though I really like my job and really want to keep it, I'm just...fuck.
posted by wellred at 6:37 AM on December 7, 2020 [7 favorites]

Been struggling with Dark Thoughts lately and came here to vent but instead I just want to give everyone in this thread a big hug. So much pain, so much stress, it breaks my heart. Every single one of you—I’d have you over to drink tea and scream and cry and curse, and maybe go into the woods and break some stuff, and then just maybe we’d get to feel like real human beings for a few damned minutes instead of being trapped behind masks and walls to deal with so many difficult feelings alone.
posted by kinnakeet at 7:39 AM on December 7, 2020 [12 favorites]

I’m in the emergency room, bleeding and my ankle is worse.

This month is fucking canceled.

It’s been a long december.
posted by bilabial at 8:07 AM on December 7, 2020 [21 favorites]

bilabial I am holding you in my thoughts and sending you ghost hugs if you want them.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 10:41 AM on December 7, 2020 [7 favorites]

Seconding theBigRedKittyPurrs. So sorry to hear this :(
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:49 AM on December 7, 2020 [3 favorites]

Sending you all the healing and well-being thoughts, bilabial
posted by Sparky Buttons at 12:31 PM on December 7, 2020 [4 favorites]

warm thoughts and virtual hugs to all of you who have lost loved ones and faced trauma this year.

I was recently diagnosed with Sleep Apnea and REM Sleep Behavior Disorder. the latter can possibly (but not necessarily) be an early sign of Parkinson's or some other fun things. I have to discontinue Prozac due to the sleep disorder, and stop drinking booze (weeps) and start using a cpap. in theory all of these things will make me feel better, but today I am feeling grumpy about it.
posted by supermedusa at 1:58 PM on December 7, 2020 [5 favorites]

supermedusa, I'm right in the middle of trying to solve my own sleep apnea issue (I have three related doctor's appointments in the next 10 days). I can't tolerate CPAP, but my ENT isn't sure that there's a surgical solution either. I feel you and send you all the good vibes I can.
posted by hanov3r at 2:53 PM on December 7, 2020 [4 favorites]

Dayum, bilabial, what a big pile of fuckity=uptness you've been dealt. Hope everything gets better soon.

Last night I heard something rustling around and the cat started hissing. There was a young raccoon in the office room. It got itself tucked up into a bookcase behind a bunch of boxes full of books, computer wires and other assorted junk. I was as scared of him as he was off me. I am not very stable standing and the space was too narrow for my wheelchair, but I had to stand to drag all those overflowing boxes just to see where he was. So I cleared a runway to the front door and propped the screen open and kinda poked at him to get him to run out. He wouldn't be budged. Books fell over. Books fell out. He peed in panic but would not move. After all the books were out I managed to leverage forward and he RAN. But not out the open door, he leaped over the wall of boxes and ran deeper into the house and vanished into the kitchen.

I shut him in so I could rest before continuing the eviction. By this time my face was purple and my legs would not hold me up any more. I called my out of town roommate and he said he'd be back in the morning and just keep the door closed. After awhile I heard a huge crash and timidly went back there. A section of sheetrock had fallen from the ceiling! That may have been where the raccoon got in and hopefully went out. No sign of raccoon since but have a huge mess of boxes, pee, and shattered sheetrock to clean up. I'm pooped! Pretty small fuckery compared to what many other people are experiencing, but this was more excitement than I needed.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 12:29 AM on December 8, 2020 [16 favorites]

A couple of weeks ago I went for a walk in the evening and went past a neighborhood tavern and glanced in the windows as I passed. They were clearly violating every covid restriction (crowds of people, people lined up at the bar, not a mask in sight, etc) and it was like a double kick in the teeth to see.

First, that these assholes (owners and patrons both) are making all the precautions others of us are taking meaningless -- with behavior like that, of course the curve won't change and things will just stay shitty. Second, I was honestly just plain jealous. I really miss going out with friends, hanging out in bars and restaurants, talking to people, laughing, all of that. There I was on my boring walk, alone, because I am trying to follow the rules, and everyone there was having a much better time than me.

It's a really small thing (especially compared to the serious things so many people are going through) but it still brought me down for a while.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:35 AM on December 8, 2020 [20 favorites]

My 50th birthday is in a few weeks and I don't really care because, y'know, we are living through a global pandemic, horrific death counts, political thuggery and systemic racism. But I kind of care. Maybe? I'm so numb I'm not even sure how I feel about it.
posted by nkknkk at 7:11 AM on December 8, 2020 [8 favorites]

My 50th birthday is in a few weeks

I turned 35 this weekend and the weirdest thing was all my coworkers asking me what my plans were/what I did to celebrate, and then acting sad for me when I tell them. They all know I live alone. Like I don't know man, my plans are staying at home and not seeing anyone, like my plans have been for the last 270 days. Might make some brownies.

I know it's like 80% them just being polite and making conversation, but I didn't feel bad about it until folks started acting like I had another option??
posted by phunniemee at 9:06 AM on December 8, 2020 [21 favorites]

my ex sent me a completely inappropriate gift, very expensive and personal, and it's a thing I have wanted for literally a decade and never justified for myself and now I have it and I hate it and it fills me with grief and guilt and I wish it would just go away and fuck this year for ruining just every single last bit of anything it ever touches.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:29 PM on December 8, 2020 [10 favorites]

Oh raccoons are such terrible critters to have in a home because they look like they should not be an unholy terror but they are. I am glad yours is currently not causing mischief or destruction and I hope it never gets back in.

We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese, that sounds like a super shitty thing to be going through. It feels like a classic abuser move - "Here's an item that I know will make you think of me whether you keep it or not." You are living the brief definition of "dilemma" that I give people: two choices, both bad.
posted by bilabial at 12:59 PM on December 8, 2020 [2 favorites]

Supermedusa, I had to start using a CPAP a few years ago. I resisted because it felt like a personal failing (somehow). After a couple weeks, it became pretty much a background thing. I can't say for sure that I feel less sleepy, but it forces me to breathe through my nose and therefore, a lot less post-nasal drip through the winter.

Make sure you get a couple tubes of "Ayr" gel to reduce irritation at the nostril openings.
posted by notsnot at 1:47 PM on December 8, 2020 [4 favorites]

a lot less post-nasal drip through the winter.

posted by notsnot

posted by hanov3r at 2:04 PM on December 8, 2020 [11 favorites]

Oh, hey...heh, I made a funny.

Thanks for pointing that out - I needed a boost.
posted by notsnot at 2:35 PM on December 8, 2020 [16 favorites]

The inside of my head these days is nothing but endless snow flurries and "When Reason Fails"/"Recalling Winter" on a crackly old radio.

Just trying to keep my head above water. Cats help a lot. Everything is a stress nightmare, but there are still nice moments and good days. Hang in there, everyone. Stay as safe and sane as possible.
posted by Lonnrot at 3:49 PM on December 8, 2020 [4 favorites]

I pushed back on something I felt strongly about to my boss today and he just sent me a calendar invite for a 9am meeting about it. Right now. At 10:30pm. I am so afraid that I am shaking. I won't be able to sleep tonight. I am going over what I said over and over and I know deep down that what I was pushing for (us talking directly to someone instead of doing some design adjustments behind the scenes) was the right thing to do. But now I am worried that I am about to see if I am gonna get my hand slapped, that he thinks I was being insubordinate by disagreeing. My last two bosses treated me badly when I started really asserting myself. What if it's wrong for me to do so? What if I need to stay quiet from now on? I don't know that I can do that without actively forcing myself to say okay all the time. This sucks.
posted by Kitchen Witch at 10:36 PM on December 8, 2020 [12 favorites]

I am going to try and fall asleep by repeating the mantra, "I may be afraid, but I am also very brave."
posted by Kitchen Witch at 11:07 PM on December 8, 2020 [23 favorites]

Oh my God the meeting was totally fine. It was my boss needing someone to express concerns to and ask for input on what to do next. I got him to set up the meeting I recommended.

Work-related trauma sucks for sending me into a tailspin. God.
posted by Kitchen Witch at 9:32 AM on December 9, 2020 [40 favorites]

YAY Kitchen Witch!
Nice to see good news today when my boss is being SUCH AN ASSHOLE about a very, VERY small thing that would help one of our lowest paid employees just a little tiny bit, but he refused.
posted by Glinn at 11:33 AM on December 9, 2020 [3 favorites]

I think past work trauma has this way of creating hypervigilance in a way that's not that different from having an alcoholic or abusive family member . You get used to looking for the things that have sometimes signalled a blowup or a fight or some big negative change, so you get miserable when you see them coming. And then 80 percent of the time, the blow up or disruption doesn't happen, but it still had all the up front cost of worry.

I think we normalize a ton of abusive/inappropriate behavior in work culture, especially in the US that would be clearly abusive if we evaluated it objectively, with all of the downstream costs you would expect.
posted by mercredi at 1:30 PM on December 9, 2020 [19 favorites]

Oh, totally true. I freaked out today when I did something, followed the procedures, and then found out that I was "wrong" because unbeknownst to me, the procedures changed (again) due to Covid. Then I was all OMG I COULD GET IN TROUBLE FOR THIS because I can manage to get myself into trouble for the slightest of shit (for example, using the word "just" in an email), and I never know what is going to set someone off. And yes, I agree with mercredi that work can be abusive, but since work is the reason we stay alive, if we can't find something better, you have to normalize it.

Kitchen Witch, I am SUPER CAREFUL about bringing things up with management myself. I actually brought up something today and it went well, but I was very paranoid as to how I exactly phrased my email.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:42 PM on December 9, 2020 [2 favorites]


current feelz:

posted by lalochezia at 9:09 PM on December 9, 2020 [5 favorites]

Well I still don't have a job and my parents still have covid, but they seem to be getting better. And I did finally find a roommate, lease signed today. It took two months to find someone to take the room. The landlord had to drop the price after the first month because practically no one was even interested. Prior to this, it had me never taken more than 10 or maybe 15 days to find a roommate for this place.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:41 PM on December 9, 2020 [7 favorites]

Teachers are expected, unprotected
Teachers are expendable, dependable
Get to the front
Get to the front
Stand in a 15x20 room, our underventilated tomb
with 20 or more, if not we're on teams google or zoom
When is it my turn to get this infection
Losing teammates, friends, coworkers, what survival intention
Give us space, distance and time, to create information retention

Will I be the next one minute of silence?
posted by infinite intimation at 9:52 AM on December 10, 2020 [12 favorites]

Two nights ago I awoke in the middle of the night to two messages from two separate friends informing me of the deaths of the fathers of two other friends. Plus an online friend passed the day before that. None of it COVID related but still....
Today my boyfriend got his COVID test back and ---- he's positive. And I, and my sons, are now quarantining. We have been as careful as humanly possible so we have no idea how or where he caught it from. I'm just hoping it doesn't get worse than the cold-like symptoms he's having now.
It's a month of sad milestones for loved ones and me: this whole year (with the exception of meeting the above mentioned boyfriend this past summer) has really sucked the life out of all of us.
posted by annieb at 6:37 PM on December 10, 2020 [6 favorites]

I remain equal parts amazed and exhausted at the insistence of very small men that their small-man temper tantrums be my #1 concern during the worst year on record for our entire industry. Dude on my team with whom I have no hierarchical relationship, but whose work is a sub-track in a project I'm ATTEMPTING TO RUN IN THE FACE OF RIDICULOUS CONJUNCTURAL AND ORGANISATIONAL MAYHEM, just threw his fifth or sixth hissy fit because our client didn't like something he did, and instead of calling his therapist or, idk, receiving it like an adult and calmly proceeding to make the requested changes, he chose to try to take it out on me. Again. Because apparently his inability to manage his own deliverables is my fault.

At least five times a week he confidently argues points on which he is demonstrably, factually wrong, getting increasingly pissy every time someone pushes back. Since our boss currently adores him however, I will get no support on reining him in and so am left with the options of:
- using my limited spoons to control my rage during our interactions, so that he sees no consequences for his actions but I don't give him the satisfaction of acting "crazy",
- telling him to shove it up his ass, thereby giving him a pretext to tattle to Boss who will then berate me for my touchiness and lack of professionalism.

Someone needs to do a doctoral dissertation on the amount of labour and money the global economy loses every year to the management of enormous babyman egos. Maybe that person should be me.
posted by TinyChicken at 2:51 AM on December 11, 2020 [16 favorites]

So, just got a phone call this morning from my sister in NJ. She found her husband dead in his chair sitting in front the the tv. No idea what happened. She is distraught and there is no way I can go there because of Covid/my health, and her daughter is in Colorado. A few hours later I found out my friend's husband has bladder cancer. Since my mother-in-law died from that, I have a pretty good idea what it means, plus his health is not good to begin with. Can we please fast forward to 2022 or something. I need to get off the 2020 ride, it is making me throw up.
posted by gudrun at 10:12 AM on December 11, 2020 [13 favorites]

OMG I'm so sorry gudrun. That's just awful. Peace and strength to your sister and your family.
posted by suelac at 10:21 AM on December 11, 2020 [3 favorites]

This is such a tiny, tiny whine in the grand scheme of things, but I am really over compulsory Christianity, and I am tired of feeling like a killjoy when I bring it up.

(This post brought to you by the people on my neighborhood Facebook group who are organizing the entire neighborhood to put out luminaries and then stand outside and ring bells on Christmas Eve.)
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 1:53 PM on December 11, 2020 [7 favorites]

2020 was a very trying year for me aside from <all of this>, professionally. I was QA/ compliance for a regulated company that I helped through the startup phase and getting built-out and licenced, with my authority steadily eroded from me since licensure and being constantly gaslighted. Turns out that I was also being scapegoated/ blamed left right and center behind my back.

Finally ran into something egregious enough to (internally) whistleblow and I got canned. It was likely a "porpoise or me" ultimatum by the perpetrator. Not worth contesting/ suing for wrongful dismissal as I got a small severance and I still have (non liquid) equity in the company.

At 42, I'm going to have to reinvent myself again. Maybe Service Canada or as admin/ support for a University? Anyway, dealing with burnout and a bit of imposter syndrome.
posted by porpoise at 3:03 PM on December 11, 2020 [5 favorites]

I awoke this morning to find that one of my new (less than 1 1/2 years old) radiators developed holes (!) and started spouting water overnight. In my library. You know, where things made out of paper are. And then down into my basement. Apparently, the radiator is already out of warranty. To make matters worse, it looks like the water buckled two of the (nineteenth-century) floorboards, and I'm going to have to empty, unscrew, and move a very large bookcase to relieve pressure around that area.

(Incidentally, the century + -old radiators are all cheerful and have never given a moment's trouble.)
posted by thomas j wise at 5:24 PM on December 11, 2020 [6 favorites]

[Update: my primary fucking fuck unfucked!]

Many hugs to those of you who want them.
posted by wellred at 4:51 AM on December 12, 2020 [7 favorites]

I am fine, mostly. It's just a hard day. My sleep is all fucked up so I can't do anything productive for myself. I did do a short grocery run for my preggers kid but apart from that, nada. I am sad because I will always have people I love in a dramatically different time zone and that means we don't get to share our lives the way we once did. I chose to move, and I still miss the Bay Area so much. Today I feel tired, old, worn out, and wistful. It will pass. At the moment, I don't have any real problems. I will get new ones but for now, I just want to whine a bit. Hugs to the folks who are actually suffering, unlike me, and thanks for the thread!
posted by Bella Donna at 5:39 AM on December 14, 2020 [4 favorites]

"Community is about sharing my life; about allowing the chaos of another's circumstances to infringe on mine; about permitting myself to be known without constraint; about resigning myself to needing others."

- Sandy Oshiro Rosen, Bare: The Misplaced Art of Grieving and Dancing

Even if you have established some relationships online that are helping you work through your grief, it is very important to connect with people in person as well. Become active in a group near your home. Be it playing a sport or taking a class or volunteering for a charity, interacting with others is crucial to your healing. Don't be afraid to connect or reconnect with people in your community. As humans, we need to feel the warmth of a smile, the touch of a handshake, and the sound of laughter when we make an amusing remark as much as we need food and water. Don't let your grief deprive you of these vital experiences.

Courtesy of the daily grief support email I signed up for after my dad died earlier in the year. Oh yeah, nice timing assholes. Could you not have reviewed your support messages in light, of, say, a global fucking pandemic?

Hey, single people who have been doing this all alone for however long, some without pets or even plants: I feel you so hard. Please hang in there. Everything is so sucky. That is all.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:44 AM on December 14, 2020 [11 favorites]

MeFites on this thread in search of a wider variety of profanity may find some use (and possibly some solace) in the video highlighted in this FPP.
posted by Wordshore at 1:38 PM on December 14, 2020 [2 favorites]

will there ever be a good day again?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:19 PM on December 14, 2020 [5 favorites]

There will be and are good days, my dear Hardcheese.

Just have to power through these ones and put the effort in to try to usher them in.
posted by porpoise at 10:40 PM on December 14, 2020 [1 favorite]

I can believe you, sort of, about will be, but I haven't had a good day in over nine months now so that "are" is patently false.

Happily this morning I typed a private, totally horrid message into a group chat at work so at least I might finally get fired. That would be a good day.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:50 AM on December 15, 2020 [4 favorites]

Welp. I'm now officially going to be leaving my job, and probably my career. It's the only thing I've seriously wanted to do with my life since I was a kid. And now in my mid-thirties I have to accept that I just don't have what it takes, and it's time to move on. Past time, really.

Fucking academia.
posted by biogeo at 2:40 PM on December 15, 2020 [14 favorites]

Hey, single people who have been doing this all alone for however long, some without pets or even plants: I feel you so hard. Please hang in there. Everything is so sucky. That is all.

Thank you! <3 Yeah, this whole pandemic is: 1) no different from before, since I'm still single, and 2) maybe a little better, since I now don't have to go out and be "on" all the time.
posted by Melismata at 2:55 PM on December 15, 2020 [2 favorites]

Hahahahaha my christmas tree has kicked the bucket a full 10 days before Christmas. "I'll buy a super nice real tree," I said, "and when I am all alone all holiday at least it will be a bright shiny cozy."


It's obviously nothing, it's not anything at all, it's the smallest of potatoes and the whitest of white people problems but I'm just truly beginning to be awed by the power of this year to drain every single solitary minute, every tiniest transaction or object, of its potential for joy or comfort.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:47 PM on December 15, 2020 [4 favorites]

Oh wow, the loss of your really nice tree has got to hurt. I am so sorry.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:02 PM on December 16, 2020 [1 favorite]

Thanks, but it doesn't really hurt -- It's just absurd at this point, honestly. Like...of course I won't have a tree at Christmas, even though I went and bought and decorated a tree. Because everything this year goes wrong. The folly and the hurt is in ever trying to make anything go right.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:55 PM on December 16, 2020 [4 favorites]

Reminds me of that whole George Costanza "everything I do is wrong" speech. :(

My petty bitch today is that my mom decided to drop things off at my apartment today. I asked her NOT to call (please text) when she gets here because I will probably be in a Zoom, so she of course calls. Asked/kind of threatened repeatedly to let herself in (she didn't, but boy did she WANT to), got mad when I asked to have the stuff put on the patio, instead put it at my front door, got mad that I wouldn't let her in or open it until she moved away, and is in a general snit. She yelled "I don't have the cooties!" and I said "Nobody knows if anyone has the cooties! We have no way to know!"

She was going to drop stuff off at my cousin's earlier, I wonder if she acted like that at her house or if I'm just special. I offered to talk to her on the phone while she was out on the porch/I was behind the sliding glass door since my Zoom got out, but nooooooo. She just had to be a brat about it and insist that I treat her like everything is normal and unsafe.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:32 PM on December 16, 2020 [4 favorites]

Wife is having hip trouble and mental health trouble. Family member #1 is having back surgery on Monday. Family member #2 is having an emergency colonoscopy on Thursday to screen for colon cancer. Father is having prostate issues, but the screening for that has been kicked another month. Other miscellaneous shit, but that's the big stuff. To quote our prophet Mike Shinoda, "I'm just trying to hold my shit together".
posted by joycehealy at 7:58 PM on December 16, 2020 [5 favorites]

Best friend just casually informed us that the AAA membership we got him saved his bacon this weekend because his tire blew on the freeway and if he'd been at speed, he would have flipped his car. I'm fine. Everything is fine.
posted by joycehealy at 8:14 PM on December 16, 2020 [4 favorites]

Found out that those "Hawaiian" dinner rolls I like so much are tasty because each one has FIVE GRAMS of sugar in it. So, I have to quit eating those. On the bright side, I have been losing weight even with eating like 20 of them a week, so, provided I don't reward myself for quitting with fistfuls of M&Ms, I should be losing more weight, what with cutting out nearly a quarter-pound of sugar weekly.
posted by thelonius at 7:42 AM on December 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

Biogeo, I'm really sorry to hear that. You're a loss to our field.

Among other things, the episode I need to purge my brain from today is repeat #8,957 of narcissistic family dynamics. During a zoom call for another relative's birthday, narcissist #2 (N2) went on & on (in that unstoppable pedestal style) about a planned road trip, 5 days cross country, next week to visit my parents. Who are late-70s, both medically quite high risk. Road trip involves visiting patients along the way - N2 is a practitioner of a full woo, anti-vaxx practice. N2's recommendation for my parent's stage 4 cancer was tumeric and sugar-free diet to treat the cancer. N2 said that N2 would quarantine for 7 days so that N2 can be fully blessed by the CDC, but will not take a test. N2 will not take a vaccine, and is recommending that parents don't take a vaccine.

These are all things that I would, with anyone else, push back on. But in this family dynamic, pushing back means instant temper tantrum, and months to probably years of retribution. In this dynamic of everyone sits there and smiles and praises N2 for braving the 3 feet of snow N2 expects to voluntarily set out in.

I hate that family kowtowing to narcissism has shaped me and I hate the effect it has had on my relationships. And gosh, I sure hope my parents don't end up dead. Thank you for letting me vent.
posted by Dashy at 9:09 AM on December 17, 2020 [5 favorites]

She yelled "I don't have the cooties!" and I said "Nobody knows if anyone has the cooties! We have no way to know!"

UGH. Right? The other day I somehow managed to articulate that so much of the problem stems from the same reason we don't wear masks when, for example, we get the flu in normal times -- our culture views illness SOLELY as contamination, or even a signal of immorality. You can't let people think you're sick, or they will shun you, because only bad people get the cooties. Because jesus or something. Fuck.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:20 AM on December 17, 2020 [5 favorites]

Mike Pence is getting the vaccine before my 90 something mother in a nursing home where many people have died.
posted by NorthernLite at 3:46 PM on December 17, 2020 [4 favorites]

We have a new family at the childcare center where I work. The three kids were removed from mom. Thankfully, they're with grandma, who seems to be a very nice woman who is trying her hardest.

The preschooler seems happy and cheerful, which worries me.
The toddler cries for his mommy most of the day, which breaks my heart. There is only a half door that separates the infant room where I am from the toddler room. And at various intervals, he starts crying out for his baby brother. The one toddler teacher is pissing me off because she keeps telling the kid he's fine and to be quiet. I understand how frustrating this is for the teacher, but the kid isn't OK and there's a reason why he's so upset.

When I've taken baby brother over and sat with the two boys, the toddler calms down. I just keep talking to him, reassuring him that it's OK to be scared and angry and confused. That I'm going to help keep him safe. Sometimes just singing to him.

The baby is only 7 months old, but he was acting kinda spastic (for lack of a better word) today when playing with a rattle. I need to talk with grandma tomorrow. I wasn't able to today because another one of my parents showed up at the same time.

On Tuesday I talked with my psychologist about how I was feeling. I grew up in an abusive household and, in all honesty, I probably should have been removed. But my mother was a middle school guidance counselor and knew how to manipulate me to keep me quiet. The anxiety I was feeling didn't really hit me until I started talking about it. I find myself really stressed at work again and my obsessive behaviors (though not OCD level) have been increasing.

I'm exhausted. I need a good week of vacation, but that won't happen anytime soon since we're understaffed. I'm going to be polishing my resume over Christmas because I can't deal with this place. Not because of the kids. I love my babies to death. But the owner is absent (understandably because her hubby has severe respiratory problems and COVID will kill him) and there is no director. The two administrators are trying to pick up the slack. And I end up as the person in charge the last two hours of the day. I hate it. All I want to be is a classroom teacher. I don't want to be an administrator/data entry person for other teachers who are too lazy to do their own damn work.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I just want to hold that little boy all day. It's really fucking with my head again. Just like this summer when we had a baby that was bleeding from her diaper/vaginal area and that whole thing was a cluster fuck.

(sorry, this turned out longer than I intended.....)
posted by kathrynm at 4:55 PM on December 17, 2020 [7 favorites]

Regretfully, as predicted several weeks ago, Spouse's parents threw an absolute tantrum over the phone when spouse informed them that 1. We would not be attending ritual Christmas Eve meal and 2. They were not welcome to visit us on Christmas Day.

I'm angry that I was correct. I'm angry that they decided that the appropriate time to have their meltdown was while spouse was still working. I'm angry that spouse now has to burn part of Christmas Eve to make a two hour round trip to deliver gifts in order to keep them out of house our house on Christmas Day and that still might not prevent them for showing up anyway. And I'm especially angry that I'm being made out to be the bad guy and some sort of fucking mastermind puppetmaster, as if spouse and I don't make decisions together. I have not seen my father or one sibling in person since January. I have seen the other for a total of an hour.

The most stupid part of this? It did not have to be like this. If they had showed a modicum of respect for our boundaries, if they had kept the snarky comments about us being masked and distant during the Labor Day outdoor meal to themselves, we could have worked something else. But I'll be damned if I let anyone walk over my boundaries in my own home.

And my windshield developed an enormous crack while I was driving, so fuck that too.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 3:02 PM on December 21, 2020 [7 favorites]

oh good the endless nightmarish days are about to get even fucking longer, whoopdie doo stupid goddamn solstice
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:45 PM on December 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

It did not have to be like this. If they had showed a modicum of respect for our boundaries,

I hear ya. I was saying that the other week, my mom would get to see me more if I wasn't having to worry so bad about her creeping over boundaries in a pandemic.

On a related note, guess who announced she's dropping by again in a few days? So we have to have this fight AGAIN? Sigh.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:55 PM on December 21, 2020 [4 favorites]

On a related note, guess who announced she's dropping by again in a few days? So we have to have this fight AGAIN? Sigh.

It is utterly maddening and I'm so sorry this is happening to you as well.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 6:07 AM on December 22, 2020 [1 favorite]

Good news! She was sane yesterday and respected boundaries!
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:24 PM on December 24, 2020 [10 favorites]

it is so exhausting pretending to be grateful and cheerful and assuring people that anything ever helps or is good

In theory, good things are happening to me. In truth, good things are happening to a person who has my driver's license and my face, who lives in my apartment, but who is otherwise not a person whose body and mind I share. My body and mind are still in March 2020 and I don't think they'll ever be anywhere else.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:56 AM on December 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

So my catalytic converter was stolen last night. Did you know that was a thing? I know so much about it now. My old Prius one was worth more than the average, too. When I called to report it this afternoon, I was the third in my town for the day. They also had a rash of the same about six years ago.

It is hilarious because last night I was writing about what happened this past year and I thought about writing something like, of course there's still a couple days left and then I actually thought - I thought no, nothing else will happen specifically to ME in these last couple days of the year, but then I did not write that because why tempt fate? I guess I thought that. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, it does not matter if you write it down or not.

I hope the person really needed the money.
Also, two more days left.
posted by Glinn at 1:10 PM on December 29, 2020 [5 favorites]

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