Metatalktail Hour: Reimagining the Olympics 🏆 September 10, 2022 7:49 AM   Subscribe

Happy Saturday, everyone, welcome to your well-earned Metatalktail! This week, I'm thinking ... Let's say we get to create a Mefi version of the Olympics. What games of skill, grace, and virtuosity should we compete in? Something like this? Or this? Or?

What as yet unheralded sport would definitely see you bringing home the gold? 🥇 (existing silliness, or roll your own)

OR, just tell us how things are by you, what you've been up to, how's your weather? (But no political games, please and thank you!)
posted by taz (staff) to MetaFilter-Related at 7:49 AM (39 comments total)

If it involves cleaning up skunk spray, diarrhea, and both dog and human vomit, all in rapid succession, I've been training hard and am the favorite to win.
posted by HotToddy at 8:24 AM on September 10, 2022 [7 favorites]

ah, yes, the Spew Triathalon! Go, HotToddy!!!
posted by taz (staff) at 8:30 AM on September 10, 2022 [4 favorites]

The trials of "is this still safe to eat?"
posted by k3ninho at 8:45 AM on September 10, 2022 [10 favorites]

qualifying round for the Spew Triathalon?
posted by taz (staff) at 9:02 AM on September 10, 2022 [7 favorites]

A few things from r/theocho come to mind: blowball; life-size pool; team pool; back-heeling a shuttlecock; ice karting; motorcycle chariot races; 3 professionals score goals on 100 kids; and hooded pillow fighting (fun facts: poet/essayist Joseph Addison was a fan of a related game in the early 1700s and in chapter 6 of Joan and Peter H.G. Wells describes "Darkness Ogre," a sort of hide-and-seek played in the dark). But something I'd really like to see is team-based collaborative storytelling, judged on the inclusion of required elements as in Ascanio de Mori's alphabetic storytelling game from 1574 or J.C.F. GutsMuths's storytelling game with required motifs from 1796--compare with the ensho-awase, a team-based poetry contest played over 1000 years ago in Japan.
posted by Wobbuffet at 9:31 AM on September 10, 2022 [6 favorites]

Well, I started my morning off cleaning up after whichever local predator tore up a rabbit in my driveway. It was a lovely white rabbit that had been hanging out in the neighborhood in recent weeks. An escaped domestic or descendant of escapees. But something ripped its head completely off, ate its cheeks, and pulled some of the organs up and out of the neck hole. I'm guessing it was a raptor kill. A coyote would have done more damage to the body and probably just carried it away. Really hoping to avoid going the full triathlon though.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:33 AM on September 10, 2022 [3 favorites]

cat agility
posted by amtho at 9:49 AM on September 10, 2022 [4 favorites]

Come on - there's got to be something involving beans. Maybe some kind of riff on the discus throw where you fling a bean-laden plate for distance, but then you also factor in how many beans are still on the plate when it lands? I dunno.

Beans are on the brain because I've just cleaned out the fridge and freezer. My roommate had an outing uncharacteristically early, and I took advantage of that and cleaned the whole house and then did a deep-clean of the fridge and freezer. (Also re-sorting the stuff in the freezer - and I think my roommate will be surprised and pleased to see that he has a half-full bag of tortellini and a couple of frozen burritos he hasn't eaten yet.)

My roommate also has a LOT of bags of frozen mixed veg that he got about a year ago, but has tarried on using - a few months ago he finally threw up his hands and accepted that he was probably never going to want to really learn how to cook and he was okay with that. So he may not want what's there. And - I have a fuckton of dried beans thanks to Rancho Gordo. So I may propose some kind of joint food-cleanout collaboration - if he doesn't think he'd use the veg, I may propose a once-a-week soup night - I cook up some of the beans, throw them into some soup stock with a big wodge of the frozen veg, and in 20 minutes: boom, minestrone. Which I would of course share. ...And then he can fill up that space with frozen burritos or whatever else he's switched over to instead.

...I am also going to start testing out some recipes for baked goods, in advance of a bake sale my community garden is doing; I will be subjecting the roommate to various carrot cakes and pear cakes and such for the next couple weeks. (Starting with a chocolate beet cake with a beet and orange glaze tonight.)

I'm definitely needing this kind of grounding homey stuff. This past week I've been wrestling with an ear infection, a dentist trip, and a haircut, all during early hours; basically this is the week my entire head started falling apart and I got a little shell-shocked.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:54 AM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

The 30 meter freestyle beanplating

Pairs' competitive pedantry
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:54 PM on September 10, 2022 [4 favorites]

(ferals document)
I got out of jury duty
posted by clavdivs at 2:29 PM on September 10, 2022 [3 favorites]

I would for sure go out for the Synchronized Animal Crossing Dance Team.
posted by bleep at 3:27 PM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

I vote for some sort of non-edible use of cheese.
posted by nat at 4:17 PM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

A Campanology of cheese.
posted by clavdivs at 4:25 PM on September 10, 2022

100 Meter Cheese Whiz
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:41 PM on September 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

Not a Metafilter-specific event, but, coincidentally, a friend just asked me earlier today to dig up and share this quick piece of writing I did for some friends when my first baby was still a baby, 21 years ago:

At a friend's request, here is the write-up of the Mom Olympics Diaper-Changing event, which I wrote when A (fka the Lego Savant) was a baby. Of course, we didn't know she was going to be the Lego Savant; I originally wrote this for friends but pseudonymized us for my blog. I would not call it the Mom Olympics if I wrote this today; I'd be more gender-inclusive than that:
I was just changing the Lego Savant's diaper and reflecting happily on how much quicker and more efficient I am at it than I used to be, and I thought, "Hey, this would make a great event in the Mom Olympics." It would look like this:

BOB: Welcome back to the Mom Olympics on ESPN2. I'm Bob Smith, your host, and with me in the booth is Vera Bera, mother of six and three-time gold medalist. Vera, what's our next event?

VERA: Bob, we've got the poopy diaper change, and you can almost smell the excitement in the room as the event technicians bring in the babies. And there's Well I never, our first contestant, just entering the arena.

BOB: Vera, can you tell us a little bit about the event?

VERA: Sure, Bob. I see that Never has chosen a fairly simple change, Compliant Bottle-Fed Baby on Home Changing Table. That change is only worth an 8 out of 10 at best; it's a conservative move for this newcomer from the midwest. Wait; I see she's opted for cloth diapers. We'll see some inflated scores there from the Natural Parenting and Attachment Parenting judges; clearly Never is counting on that.

BOB: What kinds of things can the judges deduct points for?

VERA: Well, Bob, Excessive Use of Wipes is a common penalty, as is Poop In Unauthorized Locations. For instance, if she lets the baby's heels get in it or has any on her hands when the change is done. Oh, she's started. I see she's removed the baby's socks. Again, a conservative move--she would lose points if the baby needed new socks or a new outfit, but it will cost her in time.

BOB: She's done! She's putting the socks back on! That was quick!

VERA: And done well. I didn't see any major deductions, but she'll have a hard time taking a medal if she can't be a little bolder than that.

BOB: And here are the scores... that's got to be a disappointment.

VERA: Well, the quality of the sport just isn't what it used to be. In my day, every serious competitor at the national level had at least four children in at most six years; now it's all mothers-of-one. In 1978, I had to perform a near-perfect Simultaneous Bowel Movements of 8-Month-Old and Two-Year-Old in Car With Light-Colored Upholstery While Running Late to Pick Up Four-Year-Old From Preschool to win my second gold, but the multiple-child events have been completely phased out in recent years.

BOB: Here's the next contestant. What can you tell us about Farina Endfen, Vera?

VERA: Well, Bob, this Montanan and former social worker is known to followers of the sport for her risk-taking tendencies. Rumor has it she's been working on a new change that could set the bar higher than it's ever been before in single-baby competition. But will she risk it? She's the favorite to win this event, and with Never scoring low might not want to take unnecessary chances....Oh, my God!

BOB: Vera, the crowd is just exploding out there as Endfen's change is announced.

VERA: Yes, Bob, I can hardly believe my eyes. Endfen has opted for Non-Compliant Toddler with Stomach Complaint in Public Restroom with No Changing Station. It's the four-minute-mile of the poopy diaper event. We hear she's achieving a 50% success rate with it in practice, but no one has ever seen anything like it at this level of competition before.... They're bringing out the baby. Listen to him howl!

BOB: Never's looking a little shaky on the sidelines, there.

VERA: And well she should be, Bob. She's got to be kicking herself for not trying at least Clean, Well-Lit Public Restroom, Forgot to Re-Pack Diaper Bag After Tuesday's All-Day Shopping Trip, a change she's had good success with in regional competition. I'd say she's lost her chance of medaling here today unless something goes terribly wrong on Endfen's change.

BOB: And what would that take? I assume Endfen's change is worth a full 10 out of 10.

VERA: Yes, but the risks are enormous. She'll be on her knees on a damp floor, remember, and the baby is non-compliant and has loose bowels. She's risking Baby and Mother Both Need New Outfits, the second-largest penalty in the sport after Baby and Mother Both Need Bath.

BOB: Will Farina Endfen make Mom Olympics history? Stay tuned--we'll find out right after this important message from Huggies.
posted by Well I never at 5:34 PM on September 10, 2022 [16 favorites]

apropos of nothing, I found this in my daughter's art class folder
posted by Rumple at 7:28 PM on September 10, 2022 [2 favorites]

Clearly, the appropriate event for the Mefi Olympics would need to be an aerobic sport - because beans, they're good for your heart!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:15 PM on September 10, 2022 [1 favorite]

beans, they're good for your heart!

The more you eat, the more you fart (r = 0.13, p=0.95)
posted by aubilenon at 12:12 AM on September 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

We had to downsize the campanology of cheese, it's now only a Babybel.

[K3n has a sinking feeling as they realise that the USA may never have met this single-serving, wax-wrapped Dutch cheese]
posted by k3ninho at 2:47 AM on September 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

[K3n has a sinking feeling as they realise that the USA may never have met this single-serving, wax-wrapped Dutch cheese]

Oh, we have that here alright. I'm just not certain that the substance inside that wax thing is 100% cheese any more over here.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:57 AM on September 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

Prolific Poster: buzzer quiz show like, take rather prolific posters posts, start sentence by sentence, first one to guess the correct poster gets the point.

Dancing on Graves: two parts, hated person say something nice, loved person say something nasty.

Long Form Opinionated Rant possibly paired with Thanks for Listening to My TED Talk.

It Was Punny.

Let's Just Make Shit Up aka It Never Happened.
posted by zengargoyle at 6:11 AM on September 11, 2022 [3 favorites]

The decablog: athletes must create a post for the blue containing ten disparate links that are nevertheless unified by a theme.

Yesterday was gorgeous and sunny and I put a bunch of miles on my feet walking outside with friends. It was deeply satisfying. Today it is very rainy, and my feet are okay with that.
posted by eirias at 7:22 AM on September 11, 2022

The decablog

Or, you could Jeopardy the whole thing, and give contestants "Metafilter: snarky comment repurposed as site mission statement" comments from random threads. Then, they have to compete to be the first person to figure out the actual topic of the post the comment was made in.

Brutally difficult, but then, this is the 'Lympics we're talking about.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:42 AM on September 11, 2022 [2 favorites]

[One removed] -- screenshots, photoshops and deepfakes of alleged and real deleted posts and contestants have no real activity to do but flag stuff if they think it should be moderated. How it works is never properly explained to avoid people gaming the rules.
posted by k3ninho at 7:49 AM on September 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

What games of skill, grace, and virtuosity should we compete in?

Surely that

But seriously, being situated between tons of cheese, plates of beans, stuff I'd never eat and fish-that-smells-fishy-and-the-internet-says-that's-bad, I guess some meta-variant of the hunger games would be just fine (or another alphabet thread).
posted by Namlit at 10:06 AM on September 11, 2022

The Computer Triathlon.

1. Assemble a computer from a pile of parts. Points lost if you have parts left over.
2. Power it up. It has to run the first time. Points lost if you have to troubleshoot.
3. Install operating system. Points lost if it doesn't boot up.
posted by Splunge at 10:25 AM on September 11, 2022

The speed/reflex test, where contestants must exercise total restrain while letting the judge finish the following question before buzzing in to be first:

There’s this story that I read, or maybe it was a movie that our teacher showed us in elementary school on one of those old film projectors, you know the ones that actually had reels of film, and sometimes the sound was like when Robin Williams did that thing in Good Morning Vietnam where he tapped on his throat while talking? But anyway, it was a movie, or maybe we read the story, and it was about a planet where it rained all the time? Like Mars or Neptune maybe? And there were these kids, and they were at school, and there was one kid they were really mean to, and they locked her in a locker, or maybe it was a closet? I can’t remember. Oh yeah, and it was the one day the sun came out and it stopped raining, and the little girl missed it, and she was really sad. Does anyone know what that story was called? Or maybe the movie?

The winner will be the mefite whose brain doesn’t explode while waiting to push the buzzer.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:36 PM on September 11, 2022 [5 favorites]

1. Body Disposal. I believe Scarabic earned a perfect 10.
2. Escaping a room with no doorknob. with Birdlady judging.
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:15 PM on September 11, 2022 [2 favorites]

Apropos of nothing -

Chocolate orange beet cake works as a concept. I used a recipe similar to this one, only I glazed it with a vibrant magenta glaze made of powdered sugar, some grated beet, and orange juice.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:48 PM on September 11, 2022 [2 favorites]

Snark, including compulsory technical elements, mostly logical fallacies
Pairs Snark
Freestyle Snark, elimination by deleted double posts
Speed Snark
Synchronized Snark
And, of course, the Relay, always a crowd favorite

We’ll, Actually-ing

Does the Olympic Committee allow Mod-Baiting?
posted by theora55 at 10:06 PM on September 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

No, but we do have some very special master baiters.
posted by taz (staff) at 1:04 AM on September 12, 2022 [8 favorites]

Track and Field:

Sprint - who can post first without having read a single sentence of TFA.

Long Jump - who can make the biggest logical leap in a comment on the scantest or most poorly understood evidence.

Hammer Toss - most powerfully inapposite solution presented by a commenter with no understanding of the underlying issue

Triple Jump - commenter most adept at attacking element of post (or poster for making post), responding to counter-evidence by attacking evidence, then ultimately pivoting to attacking other commenters
posted by saladin at 3:48 AM on September 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

+1 to taz for taking full advantage of an all-too-rare opportunity and sliding a very old corny joke into the conversation.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:37 AM on September 12, 2022 [3 favorites]

Dodgeball is long overdue as an Olympic sport, in my opinion. It's supposedly an organized sport with teams but by no means universal rules -- so those must need be standardized.

In my time it was the number one favorite indoor PE sport for athletic and unathletic junior high school boys alike. For one thing then, the instinctual reaction for the littler kids was throw at the bullies first. And we were never short of bullies in grade school.

No sport is more purely war than dodgeball.
posted by y2karl at 11:45 AM on September 12, 2022

Most number of comment edits you can squeeze in, in 5 minutes, without notice from our mods.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:00 PM on September 13, 2022

High jump. Gymnastics. Ski jumping. Snowboarding. Trampoline.

All of these events have the same idea at heart: To do An Awesome Flip. This is what people want to see. As such, I believe they should be combined into the sport of Awesome Flipping, and the scoring adjusted to measure awesomeness (height, speed, rotations, pizazz, number of flames).
posted by solarion at 11:09 PM on September 14, 2022

The thrill of snark, the agony of MetaTalk
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:12 AM on September 15, 2022 [1 favorite]

I've been training as a heavyweight crouton petter for years.
posted by slkinsey at 10:21 AM on September 15, 2022 [2 favorites]

solarion: sharks, why even flip if you're not on fire jumping a shark?

Another Ask popped up with a classic "name this pet" request. The high-scoring responses are those which supply own (or synthetic) pet tax and which grow the community of pet-loving people.
posted by k3ninho at 11:56 PM on September 16, 2022

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