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I find that the more I compromise, the less I love those who encourage me to do so.Seriously?
posted by ewkpates at 8:54 AM on November 6 [39 favorites +] [!]
For better or worse, my boyfriend is really concerned with other people's perceptions of him, and I don't want to cause him to lose face in front of his family like that... but then again, I sort of do. I have this mental image of a bunch of fat old men sitting around on their asses while the womenfolk are running around, preparing and cleaning and serving and everything, and it just makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.So, yeah, my instinct was to say that this is not a one-time decision for the rest of their lives, and hence the question was one part navel-gazing, and two parts illogical.
Has no one considered that the women in this family have chosen to do that, not because they don't have other options or because the men in the family will smack them down if they don't, but rather because they want to do it and enjoy doing it?I think I'd be more willing to believe that were it not for the fact that the OP's boyfriend considers it a very important ritual, so important that he is willing to make her quite uncomfortable by asking her to participate in it. That suggests to me that there would be ramifications for other members of the family, as well as for the OP and her boyfriend, if they refused to participate in it. I don't think you can call something totally voluntary if it's backed up by that kind of social pressure.
> [few comments removed - the fact that this is in MetaTalk means that if you're doing anything but responding to the OP, you should be heading over there.]You know, Jess, when you leave one side of a thread and remove the other, it leaves a distinct opinion left in the thread. Zap all relevant comments or leave 'em in place, but this scattershot technique screws things up. For God's sake, it wasn't even a vitrolic response.
Ah, sweet fuckin' Jesus H. Christ on a goddamn MX. Fine:
> What does macho mean, really, anyway? To me it says the man sees himself as superior because of his maleness.
Not how I intended it.
I expect a fair number of people might personally choose not to do those at their own weddings, but they'd stop short of making all these cries of misogyny if they happened to take place at a wedding they attended.This is a false analogy, though. It would be similar if the OP was objecting to the other women in her boyfriend's family serving dinner to their wives. But she's not. She's reacting to the expectation that she do so, too.
The entire problem wouldn't have come up at all if he'd expected her to do something to impress his family that she had no objection to.Yes, right, exactly. I think the issue is that her boyfriend doesn't care that she, personally, in her own case, finds the practice objectionable. You think the problem is that she hasn't had her objections properly vetted and evaluated by someone saner, more rational, and much more male than her, such as you. Once some proper male authority has judged the appropriateness of her objection, then we can proceed. Until then, we should assume that she and everyone who supports her is probably hysterical.
posted by jessamyn at 7:36 PM on November 6, 2007