davesecretary's New Blog

December 31, 2008 11:46 AM

Followup: it seems that davesecretary has a new-ish blog.

I'm not sure if this belongs in MetaTalk, but I feel it's not meaty enough for a FPP.

posted by archagon to MetaFilter-Related at 11:46 AM (66 comments total)

WHY IS EVERYBODY YELLING?
posted by Grither at 11:51 AM on December 31, 2008

I am happy to see that it is all uppercase as opposed to his other blog. Dual personality, perhaps?
posted by cimbrog at 11:57 AM on December 31, 2008 [1 favorite]

WHY IS EVERYBODY YELLING?

BECAUSE IT IS TAWNY.
posted by dersins at 11:58 AM on December 31, 2008 [4 favorites]

I CANNOT WAIT TO READ THIS NEW BLOG. I VERY MUCH ENJOYED THE ORIGINAL METAFILTER POST AND THE FEW RELATED WEBSITES THAT WERE DISCOVERED. THE FACT THAT EVIDENCE POINTS TO HIM BEING CANADIAN ONLY SLIGHTLY REDUCES MY ENJOYMENT OF HIS WRITINGS.
posted by Science! at 12:12 PM on December 31, 2008

TOO CAPITALIZED; DIDN'T READ.
posted by ardgedee at 12:15 PM on December 31, 2008 [2 favorites]

MILDRED, 93, WAS DESPONDENT OVER THE RECENT DEATH OF HER HUSBAND EARL, SO SHE JUST DECIDED TO KILL HERSELF AND JOIN HIM.

THINKING IT WOULD BE BEST TO GET IT OVER WITH QUICKLY, SHE TOOK OUT EARL'S OLD ARMY PISTOL AND MADE A DECISION TO SHOOT HERSELF IN THE HEART SINCE IT WAS SO BADLY BROKEN.

NOT WANTING TO MISS THE VITAL ORGAN AND BECOME A VEGETABLE AND A BURDEN, SHE CALLED HER DOCTOR'S OFFICE TO LEARN OF THE HEART'S EXACT LOCATION.

"SINCE YOU'RE A WOMAN," THE DOCTOR SAID, "YOUR HEART IS JUST BELOW YOUR LEFT BREAST. WHY DO YOU ASK?" MILDRED HUNG UP WITHOUT ANSWERING.

LATER THAT NIGHT, MILDRED WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL WITH A GUNSHOT WOUND TO HER KNEE.
posted by netbros at 12:18 PM on December 31, 2008 [4 favorites]

I'm not sure if this belongs in MetaTalk,

No, it doesn't.
posted by jason's_planet at 12:22 PM on December 31, 2008

From the original post: "
the caps make me feel like i'm running really fast with dave and he is yelling to me because you have to yell when you run and when you do it always sounds super important. ".

The Caps make the stories. Pretend you're running.
posted by Science! at 12:23 PM on December 31, 2008

I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WITCH TRIED TO ENSLAVE ME BY GIVING ME A MAGIC POTION BUT I WAS TOO SMART AND DIDN'T DRINK IT AND I SAID THAT'S NOT MAGIC THAT'S CHEMISTRY AND THEN I THREATENED TO KILL HER IF I EVER SAW HER AGAIN BY STABBING HER THROUGH THE HEART WITH A RIDDLE WHICH WAS APPARENTLY A POWERFUL THING TO DO WITH A WITCH BUT SHE DIDN'T GET WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE SHE WASN'T A REAL WITCH SHE WAS JUST AN AMATEUR CHEMIST SO I SAID WHAT HAS ONLY ONE TOOTH BUT CAN STILL BITE YOU TWICE WITH A SINGLE STRIKE AND SHE SAID I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE SHE WASN'T REALLY THAT BRIGHT SO I STABBED HER THROUGH THE HEART WITH A DAGGER BECAUSE THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE WAS A DAGGER BECAUSE IT HAS TWO EDGES ON A SINGLE BLADE BUT THEN I WOKE UP AND RAN TO THE TOILET TO COUGH UP HUGE CHUNKS OF PHLEGM BECAUSE I HAVE THIS REALLY NASTY COLD AND IT'S LIKE I HAVE A GODDAMN COLONY OF JELLYFISH LIVING IN MY LUNGS AND SLIDING UP AND DOWN MY THROAT TO VISIT MY SINUSES WHERE THEIR FRIENDS THE MUCUS EELS LIVE AND HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS TO YOU TOO
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:35 PM on December 31, 2008 [3 favorites]

> No, it doesn't.

Really? What about all these other posts tagged "followup"?
posted by archagon at 12:37 PM on December 31, 2008

This is pretty awesome.
posted by dunkadunc at 12:45 PM on December 31, 2008

LATER THAT NIGHT, MILDRED WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL WITH A GUNSHOT WOUND TO HER KNEE.

LOL OLD LADIES HAVE SAGGY BOOBS AMIRITE
posted by dersins at 12:50 PM on December 31, 2008

I SUFFER FROM KEYBOARD IMMODULATION TINA. I'M UNABLE TO CONTROL THE CLICK OR THUNK OF MY KEYBOARD. ALSO KNOWN AS VAN HORTON'S SYNDROME, VI IS A RECOGNIZED PSYCHO-MEDICAL CONDITION WHICH YOU MAY HAVE READ ABOUT ON METAFILTER OR CRACKED MAGAZINE. NUMEROUS PROMINENT AMERICAN BLOGGERS SUFFER FROM THIS DEBILITATING DISEASE TINA, INCLUDING THE GUY WHO PLAYED WESLEY CRUSHER ON "STAR TREK: TNG" AND INTERNET SENSATION MATT DRUDGE.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:51 PM on December 31, 2008 [5 favorites]

Really? What about all these other posts tagged "followup"?

Did you look at that link?
Most of them are followups to AskMe questions or meetups.
posted by mesh gear fox at 12:53 PM on December 31, 2008

there does need to be a firefox add-on that converts all-caps into all-lowercase, though.
posted by dunkadunc at 12:53 PM on December 31, 2008

there does need to be a firefox add-on that converts all-caps into all-lowercase, though.

there is
posted by mesh gear fox at 12:55 PM on December 31, 2008

> Most of them are followups to AskMe questions or meetups.

So what? A followup's a followup, and I think an update on one of the most popular MeFi posts of all time could have a place in MeTa. I could be wrong, though.
posted by archagon at 1:00 PM on December 31, 2008

YOU ARE RIGHT ARCHAGON
posted by Rumple at 1:06 PM on December 31, 2008

So what? A followup's a followup, and I think an update on one of the most popular MeFi posts of all time could have a place in MeTa. I could be wrong, though.

Well, yes and no.

This would be much more visible if you posted it to the front page. And it's really only Metafilter-related because the first post is so popular. Which, in my opinion, is kind of a stretch.

But, I'm awfully new here, and will now kindly defer to more experienced voices.
posted by mesh gear fox at 1:07 PM on December 31, 2008

THOUGH THIS COULD BE A GOOD POST TO THE BLUE AS WELL

MEANWHILE
posted by Rumple at 1:08 PM on December 31, 2008

hOw to UsE thE CaPS LOCk keY
posted by Rumple at 1:11 PM on December 31, 2008

caps lock is why it is funny

that and the cocaine
posted by plexi at 1:24 PM on December 31, 2008

there does need to be a firefox add-on that converts all-caps into all-lowercase, though.

there is
posted by mesh gear fox at 12:55 PM on December 31

Thanks! Loved his original stuff but in Blogger I can't take that font. Lowercase makes it a little easier.
posted by fuse theorem at 1:36 PM on December 31, 2008

I keep expecting the stories to end with "AND THAT WAS MY FIRST, AND LAST, HOMOSEXUAL EXPERIENCE."
posted by stavrogin at 1:39 PM on December 31, 2008

I used to be a lab instructor for first year Java programming. My job was mostly to show up, announce the day's assignment and then walk around the rows of computers and make sure that everyone wasn't checking their email or playing solitaire instead of programming. Students would raise their hands if they got stuck on that session's assignment and I would hustle over and try to help them. One student always seemed particularly baffled and would call me over at least once every 20 minutes. After a few weeks of peering over her shoulder and watching her scratch out code I noticed that there was an odd rhythm to her typing, it wasn't just slow, but it sounded kind of off. I looked at her hands and noticed that she turned the caps lock key on and off with her pinkie each time she typed a capital letter. I cringed a little inside like the first time I noticed that my mom has very poor grammar.

But still, I was a teacher and this was a chance to help a student learn a better typing technique, and typing fast is important in computer science when your assignment is due at midnight and you just started at 10:00 pm. "Um...you know...you can just hit the shift key simultaneously while typing your uppercase letters. You'll save yourself from turning the caps lock key off and on."

She just stared at me blankly and then resumed typing the exact same way as if I hadn't said anything. I wasn't sure if she just felt more comfortable with her familiar typing habits or if she just thought I was lying about the shift key.

I wasn't a big deal that she didn't listen to me, but I would look across that classroom at her occasionally and wonder what was wrong with her non-shift-key-using ass. It's like watching someone drive with two feet with and automatic and you know there is a manual transmission somewhere in their future.
posted by Alison at 2:04 PM on December 31, 2008

I had a dream that I went to get a haircut at the New Chicago Barbershop 3 and the barber shaved of my mustache without asking, so I broke his answering machine and then we hugged.

I am sure this does not belong in the blue.
posted by dirty lies at 2:56 PM on December 31, 2008

caps lock is a hell of a drug.
posted by quin at 2:59 PM on December 31, 2008

javascript:void(document.body.style.textTransform='lowercase');
posted by Pronoiac at 3:07 PM on December 31, 2008

I HAD A DREAM THAT I WENT TO GET A HAIRCUT AT THE NEW CHICAGO BARBERSHOP 3 AND THE BARBER SHAVED OF MY MUSTACHE WITHOUT ASKING SO I BROKE HIS ANSWERING MACHINE AND THEN WE HUGGED.

FTFY
posted by longsleeves at 3:08 PM on December 31, 2008

OR FOR MORE AWESOME USE

javascript:void(document.body.style.textTransform='uppercase');
posted by Pronoiac at 3:08 PM on December 31, 2008 [1 favorite]

Thank you for this. Completely awesome (and yes, this does belong in metatalk).
posted by Baby_Balrog at 3:23 PM on December 31, 2008

WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THIS POTENTIALLY TRAGIC STORY IS THAT THE CAMERA IS FIXED ON HER HANDS. PLUS THE PERP'S LAST NAME IS DICK.
posted by Burhanistan at 3:23 PM on December 31, 2008

I wasn't a big deal that she didn't listen to me, but I would look across that classroom at her occasionally and wonder what was wrong with her non-shift-key-using ass. It's like watching someone drive with two feet with and automatic and you know there is a manual transmission somewhere in their future.

She must have known that the shift key existed, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to type most of the special characters. For Java she would at least need to use the curly brackets, double quotes, and parentheses. She must have thought Caps Lock was easier for some reason.
posted by burnmp3s at 3:27 PM on December 31, 2008

SO THIS ONE YEAR MY BROTHER COMMITTED SUICIDE AFTER BEING BROUGHT BACK FROM CAMP OPEMEKON IN HYSTERICS

THE END, FUCKER
posted by Britney's Nipples at 3:33 PM on December 31, 2008 [1 favorite]

CAMP OPEMEKON BACKWARDS IS NOKEMEPO PMAC.

GET IT? OPEMEKON?
posted by Pronoiac at 3:39 PM on December 31, 2008

I AM SADDENED THAT ANY HTML TAGS WE PUT IN OUR COMMENTS GET CONVERTED INTO LOWERCASE.
posted by Pronoiac at 3:40 PM on December 31, 2008

Trying to read mixed-case text after fifteen minutes of giggling over all-caps stories is really disorienting.
posted by infinitewindow at 4:36 PM on December 31, 2008

I looked at her hands and noticed that she turned the caps lock key on and off with her pinkie each time she typed a capital letter.

I once worked with some kid on a project in college, and it involved us sitting next to each other in a computer lab, each of us typing some short essays. When I arrived, he had already started, so he had several paragraphs written, all double-spaced. I sat down next to him, and we chatted about the project a bit, and what I told him made it clear he would have to go up and make some small changes to one of the paragraphs. So he went up, made the change... But then something went horribly wrong with the double spacing. It completely messed up the line. Some text that was pushed to the next line showed up as if single-spaced below it, and then that line cut off really quickly, to have a double-space to the next line, and so on...

So, this kid just went through, pushed 'enter' to add some spaces and 'delete' to get rid of some...

He was double-spacing the paper. Manually. Each and every line. While in the process of writing it.

"Uh.. You know, I think there's a feature that does that automatically..." I said.

"Oh, I know," he replied, with a little shrug. "But I just find this easier."

At that moment, I think I lost my understanding of the meaning of 'easier.'
posted by Ms. Saint at 4:48 PM on December 31, 2008 [5 favorites]

It loses something in the translation. It was better when it was random comments on a message board. This just looks like he's trying too hard.
posted by lunit at 5:16 PM on December 31, 2008

Blazecock Pileon: ALSO KNOWN AS VAN HORTON'S SYNDROME, VI IS A RECOGNIZED PSYCHO-MEDICAL CONDITION WHICH YOU MAY HAVE READ ABOUT...

... whereas Emacs is an appalling and horrific lifelong disfigurement which you probably haven't read about at all if you can help it.

I know this from experience. I suffer from it myself.
posted by koeselitz at 5:37 PM on December 31, 2008

Metafilter: AND THAT WAS MY FIRST, AND LAST, HOMOSEXUAL EXPERIENCE.
posted by The Whelk at 6:12 PM on December 31, 2008

Trying to read mixed-case text after fifteen minutes of giggling over all-caps stories is really disorienting.

No lie, it looks downright baroque.

I just got home and jumped into the original link for the first time and, portent-wise, it's making me wonder if 2009 might not be really fucking sweet if it starts with gulping shh-don't-wake-the-house laughing.
posted by carbide at 6:49 PM on December 31, 2008

vi is pro-ana, emacs if feeder
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:53 PM on December 31, 2008 [1 favorite]

LET'S PUT THIS TO REST FOR THE LAST TIME: VI AND EMACS BOTH SUCK AND ARE DESIGNED FOR ALPHA GEEKS THAT WANT TO PUNISH THEMSELVES. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ED/EDT ON VMS IS THE ONLY WAY.
posted by SteveTheRed at 8:39 PM on December 31, 2008 [1 favorite]

{23:40:14}{steve@bender2:~}$ VI
bash: VI: command not found
{23:40:25}{steve@bender2:~}$ EMACS
bash: EMACS: command not found
{23:40:31}{steve@bender2:~}$

STUPID LINUX IS BROKEN AGAIN
posted by SteveTheRed at 8:42 PM on December 31, 2008 [2 favorites]

I followed the first link and somehow ended up thinking this was a regular, current FPP, and was ready to make a comment; so I was disappointed to get to the end and see that the thread was archived and closed to new comments.

Anyway, I enjoyed this:

SO JENN AND I ARE DRIVING THROUGH MICHIGAN WHICH IS KIND OF A DREARY STATE AND WE STOP IN SOME SMALL VILLAGE OR POSSIBLY BOOM TOWN WHO KNOWS AND LOOK FOR FOOD. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M GOING TO FIND ANYTHING VEGAN SO I THROW IN THE TOWEL AND GET PREPARED TO EAT A SWEET GLASS OF WATER AND MAYBE A SALAD IF I'M LUCKY. WE GO TO THE NEAREST PLACE, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THIS COMPLETELY RAMSHACKLED HUT. THERE IS THICK BLACK SMOKE POURING OUT OF A HOLE IN THE CORRUGATED IRON ROOF AND SWEARS COMING FROM INSIDE. A LARGE SIGN ADVERTISING A 60 OUNCE STEAK IS PEELING FROM ABOVE THE DOOR. THERE IS SOME SORT OF GREASE POOLING NEAR MY FEET. THIS IS GOING TO BE AN ADVENTURE!

SO JENN AND I WALK IN AND IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. WHAT I ASSUME TO BE A CONVICTED FELON IS STANDING BEHIND THE BAR, YELLING OBSCENITIES AT THE COOK IN THE BACK, AN EQUALLY REPREHENSIBLE OAF WHOSE OUTRAGEOUSLY LONG MULLET IS SWEEPING OVER ALL THE FOOD.

I STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND TRY MY HAND AT CONVERSATION. "DO YOU HAVE A MENU?"

"NO MENU."

I SWING AGAIN "OKAY, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEAT?"

THIS TIME THE COOK IN THE BACK TURNS A BEERY EYE ON ME. "WHAT DOES THAT KID WANT?"

"HE WANTS TO KNOW IF WE HAVE ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEAT"

THE COOK TURNS TO ME "YEAH OF COURSE! WE HAVE FAUX-TURKEY AND MOCK CHICKEN, AND WE ALSO HAVE TOFU SCRAMBLER!"

THIS KNOCKS ME FOR A LOOP. TURNS OUT THIS PLACE HAS A TON OF VEGAN SHIT. JENN & I ORDER A BUNCH OF FOOD TO GO. AS I WALK OUT OF THE BUILDING THE COOK SHOUTS OUT AFTER ME "DON'T FORGET YOU CAN ORDER FROM US ONLINE!!!"
posted by jayder at 8:46 PM on December 31, 2008

"DAVID! THE DOG HAD PUPPIES! THE CAT HAD KITTENS! WE BOUGHT AN ENTIRE CIRCUS AND SET IT UP IN THE BACKYARD! YOUR SISTER HAS MAGIC POWERS! WE ARE INSTALLING A WATERSLIDE IN YOUR ROOM!"
posted by subbes at 9:30 PM on December 31, 2008

I HAD A BOSS ONCE WHOSE LAST NAME WAS DICK HE ALWAYS CALLED ME MY LOVE FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT
posted by frobozz at 10:39 PM on December 31, 2008

"DON'T FORGET YOU CAN ORDER FROM US ONLINE!!!"

But if you can order online, there must be some kind of menu, no?
posted by sour cream at 1:45 AM on January 1, 2009

I feel it's not meaty enough for a FPP

WHO NEEDS MEAT WHEN YOU HAVE SO MUCH SALMON FOR TOAST?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:04 AM on January 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

THIS IS FUN TO MAKE A BLOG ON THE COMPUTER WEBSITE.
posted by The White Hat at 9:04 AM on January 1, 2009

You all are like people that start hanging Christmas decorations in July. Everyone knows that caps lock day only comes once a year.
posted by chrisamiller at 10:17 AM on January 1, 2009

I think the hockey puck story is my favorite. It knocked me THE FUCK OUT.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:43 PM on January 1, 2009

I HAVE A DREAM THAT MY LITTLE WEBSITES WILL ONE DAY LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THEY WILL NOT BE JUDGED BY THE COLOR OF THEIR CSS, BUT BY THE CASES OF THEIR CHARACTERS
posted by flabdablet at 7:44 PM on January 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you like davesecretary (and I DO SO THANKS FOR THE LINK), you should also check out The Bloggess. I've met her in person and she talks like she blogs, so it's not a put on.
posted by jeanmari at 12:55 PM on January 2, 2009

OK SO I'M EXCITED THAT I FOUND THIS BLOG, AND I GO TO METATALK TO POST ABOUT IT. AND CORTEX SAYS TO ME THAT I SHOULD FEEL BAD THAT MY SEARCHING SKILLS ARE WEAK, BUT THEN JESSAMYN SAYS NOT TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. CORTEX THEN SUGGESTED THAT I BE A LITTLE INTROSPECTIVE, AT LEAST, BEFORE CLOSING THE THREAD MERCIFULLY. SO THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING HERE. THANKS FOR POSTING THIS!
posted by not_on_display at 11:47 AM on January 7, 2009

ACTUALLY SO OKAY I SEE YOUR POST AND I'M ALL LIKE HEY WHATEVER AND MOCK YOU AND CLOSE IT BUT THEN SHE OPENS IT BACK UP AND MAKES A COMMENT AND CLOSES IT AGAIN. HOLD THE DAMN PHONE, OKAY, SO I DO THAT TOO. AND THEN SHE DOES IT RIGHT BACK AND ITS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE AN ARMS RACE SO TO TRY AND REACH A PEACE ACCORD I LEAVE IT CLOSED AND ADD A TAG INSTEAD.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:59 AM on January 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

RAMPANTADMINISTRATIVEABUSE FOR 3 POST-CLOSURE INSERTS? YOUR "RAMPANT" BAR IS WAY TOO LOW. PLEASE GO BACK AND ADD AN INLINE GIF. KTHBYE!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:02 PM on January 7, 2009

NOT_ON_DISPLAY, YOUR POST IS MUCH MORE FLESHED OUT THAN MINE, SO THANK YOU FOR THAT!
posted by archagon at 1:56 PM on January 7, 2009

I ADDED A TAG TOO, DON'T THINK YOU'RE GETTING AWAY WITH ANYTHING COTEX.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:46 PM on January 7, 2009

COTEX MORE LIKE KOTEX AMIRITE LOL [*]
posted by dersins at 5:52 PM on January 7, 2009

[*]Jessamyn: please delete after you fix your typo. kthxbai.
posted by dersins at 5:53 PM on January 7, 2009

[iz not typo, iz joke but thanks for overexplaining it]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:59 PM on January 7, 2009

CAPS LOCK STUCK
posted by klangklangston at 9:04 PM on January 7, 2009

ALRIGHT, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME MY CAPS LOCK WAS STUCK. I READ ON A FORUM TO GET A BUTTER KNIFE AND JIMMY IT OUT, SPRAY SOME WD-40 IN THERE AND THEN GLUE THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON BACK ON. IT SHOULDN'T BOTHER YOU AFTER THAT. THEY WERE RIGHT, MY CAPS LOCK NEVER GOT STUCK AGAIN, BUT IT ALSO NEVER WORKED EITHER. JUST GET A NEW KEYBOARD RIGHT NOW, AND SAVE YOURSELF THE TROUBLE.
posted by not_on_display at 9:58 PM on January 7, 2009

I AM STUPID I ADMIT IT THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME THAT I FELL AND HIT MY HEAD AND MY BROTHER WALKED UP AND BROKE THE LID OF THE TOILET TANK OVER MY HEAD AND I WAS LYING THERE STUNNED AND BLEEDING AND THEN MY MOTHER CAME OUT ON THE PORCH AND SAID THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING SO STUPID AND THAT'S WHY I FAILED AT JESSAMYN'S JOKE
posted by dersins at 9:09 AM on January 8, 2009