Making a list, checking it twice.

May 4, 2009 7:24 PM

Just a suggestion for quality assurance: Can people think twice about posting the badly written, useless, inaccurate "lists" that churn through daily on Digg and Delicious?

There's a simple formula at work here:

1. Pick a random number.
2. Pick a random topic that you don't actually know anything about, but could spend 20 minutes researching on Google or Wikipedia.
3. Put together a list of the 17 Must-Have Portable Applications To Increase Your Household Productivity or the 23 Photoshop Plugins You Can't Do Without or the 67 Greatest Cities To Catch A Bus In.
4. Post to your blog.
5. Wait for the suckers on Digg to lap it up.
6. ????
7. Profit.

Please. We don't need to encourage them here, do we?

posted by Jimbob to etiquette/policy at 7:24 PM (183 comments total)

Ok.
posted by iconomy at 7:26 PM on May 4

10 Meaner Dogs Than You've Ever Seen
posted by The Deej at 7:29 PM on May 4 [3 favorites]

Thirded. Motion passed.
posted by odinsdream at 7:31 PM on May 4

I can't read number six, in your list, maybe I have a font problem.
posted by popechunk at 7:34 PM on May 4 [16 favorites]

Is it ok as long as the list doesn't list itself? Because that would mean that I could make a list of all lists which don't list themselves, and then that list would have to list itself, or not, or something...I always get so confused about these sets. I mean lists.
posted by Maximian at 7:38 PM on May 4 [4 favorites]

We should create a metafilter bar that hijacks the links to diggbait.
posted by Pants! at 7:41 PM on May 4

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.
posted by felix betachat at 7:44 PM on May 4 [4 favorites]

7 Steps to Create a List For Digg!
posted by danb at 7:44 PM on May 4

Popechunk, you obviously didn't see the earlier list of 17 Fonts You Need To Install.
posted by emelenjr at 7:45 PM on May 4 [2 favorites]

Yeah, that list has an embarrassing mistake in the first entry ("P2P - Person to Person data sharing") and doesn't much improve from there. That said, some of those lists are quite good and make for fine posts.
posted by Kattullus at 7:53 PM on May 4

The two greatest things you should do in a situation like this!

1.) Flag it.
2.) Move on.
posted by The White Hat at 7:53 PM on May 4 [5 favorites]

I mostly agree Jimbob but the trouble with absolutes is that just occasionally one of those lists, which on first blush has the feel of diggbait, is actually a useful/interesting read. Most are not, but it's the quality of the content rather than the structure which ought to be the deciding factor.
posted by peacay at 7:53 PM on May 4 [1 favorite]

I wholeheartedly agree!

Let us now make a list of, say, 34 Things Everyone Agrees You Shouldn't Do on Metafilter. And then get it posted to Digg! Ha! The ultimate revenge!
posted by Effigy2000 at 7:54 PM on May 4 [1 favorite]

What about "The verbose surrealist's 7,483 things to do with a lobster and a lightly soiled pair of lederhosen"? Surely you can't hate that?
posted by ob at 7:55 PM on May 4 [6 favorites]

This list is the best!
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 7:56 PM on May 4

If you are making a numbered list, should you put a period and a parentheses after the number? I always thought it was one or the other.

Also, is parentheses singular and plural? If not, what's the singular form?
posted by nooneyouknow at 8:02 PM on May 4

Parenthesis is the singular, parentheses the plural.
posted by Kattullus at 8:05 PM on May 4 [2 favorites]

Most are not, but it's the quality of the content rather than the structure which ought to be the deciding factor.

I agree. Which is why I asked people to "think twice" before posting this sort of stuff, rather than just telling people not to do it. People should just be aware that there is a bit of an annoying phenomenon at the moment where some lamers have worked out that "lists with catchy titles" can be an effective traffic-grabbing strategy, even when the content of the list is itself complete crap.

I'm not saying people shouldn't post cool lists. They should just think harder about whether it is really cool, or not.
posted by Jimbob at 8:09 PM on May 4 [1 favorite]

27 Things Every Pedant Will Correct You On
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:10 PM on May 4 [4 favorites]

--Which is why I asked people to "think twice"..--

If it's any consolation I've answered about 3 emails today where my response had not a lot to do with the enquiry. Distractional revisionism. It was worse at school answering questions in exams that were never asked.
posted by peacay at 8:21 PM on May 4

Long long ago, I did some work researching for The Wallaces' "The Book of Lists #3", including putting together a list of "10 Famous People Not Known As Musicians And The Musical Instruments They Play Damn Well" which didn't make it into the book (too many pianos and not enough variety of instruments, and around that time Woody Allen skipped the Oscars to play in his Monday Night jam and knocked himself out of the "not known as" category). I'm just warning you... I could get listy if I wanted to.
posted by wendell at 8:23 PM on May 4 [1 favorite]

According to my calculations, this thread is Number 524 on the list of 681 Things People Will Complain About In MetaTalk.
posted by amyms at 8:24 PM on May 4 [1 favorite]

I would have snarked in that thread but apparently I've been fucking too many rainbows. I'll try here, I suppose.

I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL... ok not really.

Nope, not feeling it. Here's a video of a cat named Maru. Heeee. Kitty!
posted by loquacious at 8:35 PM on May 4 [4 favorites]

I agree in general with what you're talking about, Jimbob, and I agree strongly enough in this specific case that I'm gonna go kill that thread. It's not even so-bad-it's-good territory, it's just fairly crappy and pretty blatant diggbait.
posted by cortex at 8:44 PM on May 4

Please. We don't need to encourage them here, do we?

Agreed. Please do not turn Metafilter into a Digg aggregator. Thanks in advance.
posted by MLIS at 8:53 PM on May 4

27 Things On Which Every Pedant Will Correct You On

ftwy
posted by felix betachat at 8:53 PM on May 4 [11 favorites]

Ahem!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:56 PM on May 4

That is exactly the sort of thing up with which I will not put.
posted by klangklangston at 9:16 PM on May 4 [3 favorites]

As far as lists so this one wasn't tooo bad. And as a geek, I didn't think 64 was a random number, in fact it's quite geeky. There were some rather obvious entries.
posted by mattoxic at 9:35 PM on May 4

And as a geek, I didn't think 64 was a random number, in fact it's quite geeky.

Eh. They could've trimmed it down by 22.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:42 PM on May 4

At most 31 plus a mode bit.
posted by ook at 9:52 PM on May 4 [2 favorites]

Top five prescriptive MeTa posts asking people to "stop posting like this" that have stemmed the blood-dimmed tide surging ever blueward, without whichh the site would surely have perished:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
posted by kosem at 10:17 PM on May 4

6.
posted by Item at 11:47 PM on May 4

7. Profit.
posted by Item at 11:48 PM on May 4 [1 favorite]

I forget what 8 was for.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:04 AM on May 5 [5 favorites]

I forget what 8 was for that for which 8 is.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:05 AM on May 5 [4 favorites]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

1. Rub your nipples with the crab's little lotion bottle, and pointedly ignore the lederhosen.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:19 AM on May 5 [2 favorites]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

2. Pretend you are Italian, and move about with the lederhosen swaddling your monkey. The lobster naturally follows, on a leash.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:22 AM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

3. Carefully fold the lederhosen into the shape of a hat. Wear it on your head while seductively feeding the lobster tiny little pieces of other lobsters.
posted by little e at 12:41 AM on May 5

4. Bow down in worship before your new lobsterhosen leder.
posted by juv3nal at 12:46 AM on May 5 [2 favorites]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

5. An ear. A bloody ear, and the stars make giant swirls perspective all weird, damn you Gauguin you bringer of Syphilis and taker of ears!
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:09 AM on May 5 [1 favorite]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

6. Using a mortar and pestle, triturate the lobster into a fine paste. Add pigment of your choosing. Use the lobster paste to write a letter to your girlfriend on the lederhosen confessing that you've been cheating on her. With her mom. And her dad. And they gave you the clap, so she might want to get that checked out.
posted by little e at 1:16 AM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

7. Stroll beautifully by the water one warm afternoon. The lobster is us.
posted by little e at 1:31 AM on May 5 [2 favorites]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

8. Boil both, for god's sake.
posted by maxwelton at 1:54 AM on May 5 [3 favorites]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

9. You can use a stainless steel "cracker" to get at the delicious meat inside each. You may find dipping the exposed meat in butter makes it slippery delicacy, and a spritz of lemon can add a tart twist which enhances mouth feel.
posted by maxwelton at 2:00 AM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

10. "Hi, Otis!" yells Dan, glad. "Self-rape, brother!"
posted by davejay at 2:25 AM on May 5 [1 favorite]

11. Fish!
posted by googly at 2:26 AM on May 5 [1 favorite]

12. Put them away, or the bonobos will see them.
posted by fleacircus at 2:58 AM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen.

13. Train a feisty parrot to goosestep his way through an claustrophobic, enclosed space lined with lederhosen. At your discretion, the parrot may beg for a white chocolate rose. It may never speak of lobsters.
posted by bunnytricks at 4:55 AM on May 5

14. Think hard about whether the lobster is really cool, or not. Don't think about the lederhosen.
posted by jammy at 4:58 AM on May 5

15. Love the lobster, as you would love a little boy, or a rainbow trickling into an ear infection. Carpet bomb your love with lederhosen, each engraved with the colours of your fear.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:06 AM on May 5 [2 favorites]

27 Things On Which Every Pedant Will Correct You On

ftwfy

FTFY
posted by DU at 5:10 AM on May 5

Your favorite city to catch a bus in sucks.
posted by Dr-Baa at 5:15 AM on May 5

wendell: "I did some work researching for The Wallaces' "The Book of Lists #3""

At one point in my youth, I owned not only all three Books of Lists but also all three People's Almanacs.

So my starstruckedness at reading that is leavened by disappointment upon learning that the Wallace/Wallechinsky-s didn't do everything themselves.

I sure wish Amy Wallace's biography of William James Sidis was still in print.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:37 AM on May 5

16. Your favorite city in which to catch a bus with a giant net made of lederhosen and lobsters
posted by little e at 5:51 AM on May 5

51 Beans On This Plate
posted by Spatch at 5:55 AM on May 5

17. Approach the lobster.

Continue approaching the lobster.

A swan appears. The lederhosen reacts.

Soundtrack "You're So Vain - Carly Simon"
posted by minifigs at 6:01 AM on May 5 [3 favorites]

I don't read Digg, Delicious or Reddit - Metafilter's the only "site collecting links" I read. While I understand there are concerns about quality and bar lowering, when one of these posts get through I must admit that I do enjoy them anyways. So, uh, yeah, this stuff is bad for Metafilter, don't do it. (but I don't mind the occasional slip up...)
posted by cimbrog at 6:12 AM on May 5 [2 favorites]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen.

18. Ask the lederhosen, "What price, freedom? What price, lobster?"

The lederhosen says, "$20, same as in town."
posted by marginaliana at 6:39 AM on May 5

5,449. Fish!
posted by Evangeline at 7:13 AM on May 5 [2 favorites]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen.

19. End a sentence with the word mayonnaise.
posted by Pollomacho at 7:17 AM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen.

20. Set them down and look. Aren't their crusts the very marvel of madness? Pull your machine-gun and riddle the sky with bullets! Bury everything and let the profound M of Memory dig it out. You've been expelled from the movement.
posted by Kattullus at 7:18 AM on May 5

Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.

(Note: Dorothy Parker needs a hug.)
posted by clavicle at 7:38 AM on May 5

Well there goes my Paul Simon post.
posted by ALongDecember at 7:42 AM on May 5

Lets do this thing people.
posted by chunking express at 7:49 AM on May 5

How did Moses manage before Digg?
posted by rongorongo at 8:10 AM on May 5 [1 favorite]

21. Do nothing. Let the lobster and lederhosen work it out amongst themselves.
posted by owtytrof at 8:22 AM on May 5 [1 favorite]

I was so disheartened to learn that this page is not the only Google result for The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

Sans quotes, of course.
posted by educatedslacker at 8:24 AM on May 5

usually, if the author of what is being linked to is too lazy to write out there thoughts in full, as in they make a list, i determine that i am too lazy to read what they write.
posted by the aloha at 8:37 AM on May 5

Down with this sort of thing!
posted by daniel_charms at 8:52 AM on May 5

I love lists. Leaving them anonymously around the workplace can lead to all sorts of fun;

1.) Complete employee reviews
2.) Update daily metrics
3.) Schedule interdepartmental team meetings
4.) Transcribe notes from last leadership discussion
5.) Keep the circle of candles lit
6.) Consult HR regarding payroll concerns
7.) Make sure blood in chalice is fresh
8.) See if ancient symbols need to be carved or if post-it notes will work
9.) Order more post it notes
10.) Check with Legal to see if employees souls are covered under work contract
11.) Consult with Ashagoth to see current soul valuation
12.) Confirm cost on beach-front mansion in Argentina
13.) Check extradition laws with Argentina
14.) Consult excommunication rules regarding fleeing to Argentina
15.) Order more pens (Blue gel pens preferably)
16.) Schedule "vacation" for next week.
posted by quin at 8:55 AM on May 5 [8 favorites]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen.

22. Turn the lederhosen into a lightly soiled fashionable handbag. Sell it on eBay, claiming that it was previously owned by Britney Spears. Eat the lobster.
posted by daniel_charms at 9:07 AM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen.


22. The higher the fewer. And by the higher we intend the diaphanous telephone for the autarchy of the cloudless storms that shepherd slight shredders through the orange wells, and by the fewer we intend the feathered glass of piscine wrath which flows between the amongs and among the betweens.
posted by dersins at 9:15 AM on May 5 [1 favorite]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

42. One might well ingratiate oneself with the proprietress of the local balloon-animal maufactory, for purposes which shall remain murky in the near term. The proprietress will surely attempt to boil your lobster (which is of course an euphemism for an act of depravity involving an astrolabe and various orifices); you should resist her attempts for a nonce but ultimately submit. As for the actual flesh, carapace, and (greenish, cupric) blood lobster, you should secret him (I am assuming you have a male lobster, for the obvious reason) in a cupola for safe keeping. Then, just at the moment when the proprietress exclaims "Lo! Methinks these lederhosen evince evidence of poor keeping!" the lobster will spring from the cupola unbidden and devour the duvet.
posted by Mister_A at 9:30 AM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen.

24. Do not do unto your lobster what you would not do to your lederhosen. Do to your lederhosen what you would do unto your lobster. When it's Sunday, turn the other cheek. Burn all your documents.
posted by daniel_charms at 9:31 AM on May 5

I mostly agree Jimbob but the trouble with absolutes...

Who said there should be an absolute rule?
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:41 AM on May 5

Who said there should be an absolute rule?

Hobbes.
posted by languagehat at 9:50 AM on May 5 [2 favorites]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen.

25.

[Scene: beach house kitchen. Alvy Singer struggles with a small lobster.]

Annie Hall:Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for god's sake!

Alvy Singer: If they're only baby ones, then you pick them up!

Annie Hall:I cannot, Alvy, because I am too busy attempting to clean this lightly soiled pair of Lederhosen.

Alvy Singer:They may be soiled only lightly, but the stain will not come out. It is the stain of our Bourgeois class consciousness. See how I spurn my religious Jewishness by cavorting with the unkosher shellfish! It is a child of the lobster of capitalist oppression, which will ultimately bring our doom.

[ENTER thirty-foot tall LOBSTER OF CAPITALIST OPPRESSION, who tosses both of them in a large pot, boils them briskly for several minutes, dips each in a lovely glaze of butter and garlic, and consumes them both in a single gulp. Exeunt and fade.]
posted by koeselitz at 10:00 AM on May 5 [2 favorites]

Best animals list:

(a) those belonging to the Emperor
(b) those that are embalmed
(c) those that are tame
(d) pigs
(e) sirens
(f) imaginary animals
(g) wild dogs
(h) those included in this classification
(i) those that are crazy-acting
(j), those that are uncountable
(k) those painted with the finest brush made of camel hair
(l) miscellaneous
(m) those which have just broken a vase
(n) those which, from a distance, look like flies.

From The Analytical Language of John Wilkins, Jorge Luis Borges
posted by thatwhichfalls at 10:02 AM on May 5 [3 favorites]

(f) should clearly be at number (a).
posted by Artw at 10:26 AM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen.

#7483:

Take the black cat's whisker I entrusted to you those several decades ago. Take it to a locally owned used car dealership--not a chain or franchise--and request a test drive in an automobile of American manufacture. Do you still have the cat's whisker? When your test drive is concluded, you have to do the hard part.

The hard part is convincing the used car sales professional to insert the cat's whisker into his nose until he sneezes. This sneeze, it will be the petit mort that finally lays truth bare, bare like Joselma's calves on that blustery autumn day I have no doubt you remember.

Go!
posted by everichon at 10:27 AM on May 5

i apologize for the lazily written sentence which i contributed earlier. it was part of my point, but apparently that was not clear to those who contacted me about it.
posted by the aloha at 10:31 AM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen.

312. Make an alphabetical sublist of objects that have been unexpectedly eroticized in dreams:

a. Flannel
b. Chicago
c. Deer heads
d. Chamberpots
e. The Frug
f. Paraquat
g. Pommel horses
h. Razor blades
i. Pupae
j. Misspellings
k. Hitler
l. Ambergris
m. Automatons
n. Numbered lists
o. Unexpected doublings involving the letter o
o. Unexpected doublings involving the letter o
p. Mustard gad
q. Mother
r. Bedwetting
s. Su r pri sin g let ter s pa c i ng s
t. Dueling scars
u. Toothlessness
w. Skipping letters in an alphabetized list
x. Cannibalism
y. Pharmacists
z. Carrot Top
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:59 AM on May 5 [2 favorites]

From now on all posts should mention twitter and all comments should consist of derails about how much the commenters hates twitter.
posted by Artw at 11:02 AM on May 5

Ha! That's funny, Art. I'm going to tweet that.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:04 AM on May 5

Astro Zombie - that's @arthurwyatt.
posted by Artw at 11:18 AM on May 5

Make an alphabetical sublist of objects that have been unexpectedly eroticized in dreams

When I read "The Miracle Worker" as a 10-year-old, I was always turned on by the idea of Helen Keller wearing a smock in the workhouse. I imagined she was just wearing a smock, and nothing else, and ever since that day the I find the word "smock" kind of sexy.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:18 AM on May 5 [1 favorite]

Astro Zombie, you forgot to format your response like this:

@Artw Ha! That's funny. I'm going to tweet that.
posted by misha at 11:24 AM on May 5

KokuRyu: I find the word "smock" kind of sexy.

The Icelandic word for condom is smokkur, while the word for squid is smokkfiskur, while in this case smokkur means smock I, and probably every other puerile Icelander, can't help but think of them as "condom fish."

26.

Meditate on the aesthetics of soiled lederhosen, smash a lobster in the face of the bourgeoisie.
posted by Kattullus at 11:25 AM on May 5 [2 favorites]

"89The Icelandic word for condom is smokkur, while the word for squid is smokkfiskur, while in this case smokkur means smock I, and probably every other puerile Icelander, can't help but think of them as "condom fish."

Kattullus, I didn't realize that either Iceland or squid could be any cooler. Then I read your comment and went to my happy place.
posted by misha at 11:36 AM on May 5

Twitter IS my happy place.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:54 AM on May 5

I hate twitter.
posted by languagehat at 12:04 PM on May 5

I'm going to Tweet that you said that.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:07 PM on May 5

Oh, go tweet yourself, you tweeting tweeter.
posted by owtytrof at 12:22 PM on May 5 [1 favorite]

RT @Artw Ha! That's funny. I'm going to tweet that.
posted by GuyZero at 12:28 PM on May 5

#condomfish
posted by Artw at 12:54 PM on May 5 [1 favorite]

#condomfish ppl on mefi r goin on bout twittr an its funni
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 12:56 PM on May 5

27 Things On Which Every Pedant Will Correct You On On

ftwy

ftftfyfy

Prepositions are okay to end sentences with.
posted by univac at 1:08 PM on May 5

Ah, pedants, is there nothing that we would miss if they all dropped dead? Pretty much not.
posted by Artw at 1:14 PM on May 5

Astro Zombie: Twitter IS my happy place.

languagehat: I hate twitter.

Astro Zombie: I'm going to Tweet that you said that.

You'll have a hard time tweeting about it after I go over to the goddamned Twitter server headquarters and hold a gun to a sysadmin's head while I watch him type sudo rm -rf / character by character or else someone's going to get hurt, and no I'm not joking, now won't you?
posted by koeselitz at 2:10 PM on May 5

#condomfish LOL @koeselitz is crazy
posted by Artw at 2:12 PM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

28. While twirling the lobster counterclockwise above one's head, contemplate the serendipity of an entry in one sub-thread fitting into exactly the right place in another sub-thread. Then, use the lederhosen to make coq au vin, being careful not to let the bicycle spokes freeze.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:18 PM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

7352. In art, as in life, the appropriate action is frequently an inaction. Therefore, place the lobster on a red-and-black tiled floor which resembles your mother weeping on the day of your birth. Place the lederhosen on a table which is created as a representation of all moments of the table's existence, from the seed of the tree from which its wood was carved until its ignominious demise in a garbage dump in Yonkers as the roof of a rat-mother's dwelling.

Seat yourself in relation to these objects according to the I-Ching and hum E♭ until the police come.
posted by winna at 3:20 PM on May 5 [2 favorites]

1) To crush your enemies
2) To see them driven before you
3) To hear the lamentation of their women

Top 3 things said by Genghis Khan that are misattributed to Robert E. Howard.
posted by jenkinsEar at 3:38 PM on May 5 [1 favorite]

To be fair, they are more often misattributed to Arnold Schwarzenegger.
posted by Artw at 3:40 PM on May 5

30 Things You Didn't Know About "Battlestar Galactica"
posted by Artw at 5:27 PM on May 5

7. In the beginning of season 3, Jamie Bamber did not actually gain the weight for the role. Instead, a body double was used for some close-up shots of the rounded tummy, and Bamber wore a jowl-forming brace in his mouth. A few wide shots of his body were cheated out.

NO WAI I THOUGHT HE ACTUALLY GAINED AND THEN RAPIDLY LOST WEIGHT THAT JUST LOOKED SORT OF LIKE FAT-SUIT MAKEUP BY COINCIDENCE

24. Richard Hatch, who plays Tom Zarek, played Apollo in the original "Battlestar Galactica" (1978).

And tried very, very hard back in 1999 to insure that no one would ever want to watch a remake.
posted by cortex at 5:39 PM on May 5

The porn tache was real though, right?
posted by Artw at 8:51 PM on May 5

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

29. The revolutionary vanguard must not wear the outdated accoutrements of the discredited past. Take off your lederhosen and put on a lobster!
posted by Kattullus at 8:56 PM on May 5

I just checked back on this. Thank you all for helping to compile this list. You've made surrealist heaven one coelacanth warmer.
posted by ob at 9:48 PM on May 5 [1 favorite]

I kinda hate how "surrealist" has become the pseudo-intellectual cover for "zany antics."
posted by klangklangston at 10:35 PM on May 5 [1 favorite]

312. Make an alphabetical sublist of objects that have been unexpectedly eroticized in dreams:

y. Pharmacists

That shouldn't have been unexpected. Sooner or later I appear in everyone's dreams, with my mortar and pestle, nude beneath my labcoat.
posted by little e at 10:56 PM on May 5

nude beneath my labcoat

There's got to be some sort of APA rule about that somewhere.
posted by Pollomacho at 5:30 AM on May 6

20. Commander Adama has a shaving mirror in his cabin. This mirror is made by IKEA, and is a model called "Fräck". This word is similar to "frak" which is the primary vulgarity in the Battlestar Galactica universe.
posted by Artw at 8:29 AM on May 6

Categories of animals:

1. those that belong to the Emperor,
2. embalmed ones,
3. those that are trained,
4. suckling pigs,
5. mermaids,
6. fabulous ones,
7. stray dogs,
8. those included in the present classification,
9. those that tremble as if they were mad,
10. innumerable ones,
11. those drawn with a very fine camelhair brush,
12. others,
13. those that have just broken a flower vase,
14. those that from a long way off look like flies.
posted by Chrysostom at 1:52 PM on May 6 [2 favorites]

Damn it, how did I miss that earlier in the thread?

Stupid stuff Chrysostom has done:

1) Repeated the earlier Borges reference
posted by Chrysostom at 1:53 PM on May 6

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

30. For the letter 30, meditate on the fact that "lobster" and "lederhosen" both start with the number "L."
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:14 PM on May 6

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

31. Close your eyes and remember your childhood. Breathe in the aroma of your youth. Slow your pulse as you transcend your body in the now and become immersed in nostalgia. Become one with the moment when you last truly believed you were loved. Pluck the antennae from the lobster.

As you hold the writhing crustacean in your hands, run your tongue over your lips three hundred thirty-three times counterclockwise. With each pass, think of a person who has wronged you. Build a temple in your mind with their names. Pull the lederhosen over your head, and walk through the grand entrance to the sacred temple of your hate. As you kneel at the altar, break the lobster in two. Hold one half in each hand and stretch your arms heavenward, letting the juices pour onto your body, anointing you in shame.

Open your eyes and plunge the lobster antennae into your pupils with the knowledge that nothing in the world could ever approach such awesome beauty again.
posted by Dr. Spaceman at 5:43 PM on May 6

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to DO with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

32.

Zip werk do badda LOBSTER!
LOBSTER! Do bigga wadda zum, ZOOM BUNGA!
LOBSTER, LOBSTER... lobster.
Widda do saffiya LOBSTER zimba LEDERHOSEN!
posted by Meatbomb at 5:47 PM on May 6 [1 favorite]

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen

33. Put the lobster's telescope in Manuel's Lederhose, then boil the telescope until the shell is a bright red. Wait until June, then dig up the lobster's suitcase from behind the old mansion.
posted by Pants! at 9:18 AM on May 7

34. We here at the Institute have, after careful study, determined that the lederhosen are thus far grossly underrepresented in this list. It is understandle, as lobster is inherently much more surreal than lederhosen, but nevertheless we hope that this item will serve to right that imbalance.

34a. Throw bushels of wristwatches until they are 2-3cm deep on the floor.
34b. Swish them around, swish swish swish.
34c. Introduce the lobsters. Huge masses of lobsters, marching in tight precision rows, the lobsters march bravely into the future, over the watches. The watches continue to swish, swish swish swish.
34d. Glory be, after the third battalion has passed our parade stand it is now the turn of the Lobsterian Highland Marching Band! Listen - even with the blaring tune you can still hear the swishy swish as the watches gain momentum and begin to overpower the scene. They DO NOT melt or distort in the proscribed way.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:14 AM on May 7 [1 favorite]

digg it
posted by koeselitz at 11:02 AM on May 7

1066. Clean the lederhosen. Put them on. Travel to the port of Calais. Board a viking longboat. While aboard, eat lobster. When you reach England, attempt to shoot Prince Charles in the eye with a bow and arrow.
posted by jenkinsEar at 3:21 PM on May 7

35. Quietly approach a close friend from behind. Diving for his knees, tackle him into the landscaping in a violent yet affectionate manner. Do not apologize until years later, near the close of a blissful day at the lake, when you place your hand on his left knee and discover that the resultant scar, although faded, remains palpable.
posted by little e at 3:10 AM on May 8

36. While visiting lederhosen, secretly turn them inside out. Discover that you aren't the lobster when your claws fail to crack shells.
posted by Pants! at 9:17 AM on May 14

37. Substitute the word "lederhosen" for "OK" and "lobster" for "sorry" in your day to day conversation. If and when your interlocutors express curiosity or confusion, pull said item from you breast pocket. Scream at the lobster: "Curse you, this isn't working out as you promised me! I need further instructions!"
posted by Meatbomb at 10:16 AM on May 14

38. Use the claw of the lobster to cut the tip of your left ring finger. Be careful not to get any blood on the lederhosen.
posted by little e at 12:46 AM on May 16

39. Repent therefore of this thy wickedness, and pray lobster, if perhaps the thought of thine lederhosen may be forgiven thee.
posted by little e at 1:23 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]

40. The 41st entry will not actually be about lederhosen or lobster. It will be a scathing and earnest critique of totalitarianism. The 42nd entry will return to proper form.
posted by Meatbomb at 1:36 PM on May 17

41. I'd like to take this opportunity to offer a scatching and earnest critique of totalitarianism: Totalitarianism is neither total nor an ism. Discuss.
posted by amyms at 3:22 PM on May 17

42. Discus javelin lobsterbomb lederclaw hose end.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:36 PM on May 17

43. I pledge my head to clearer thinking,
my heart to greater loyalty,
my hands to larger service
and my health to better living,
for my club, my community, my lobster, and my lederhosen.
posted by little e at 10:33 PM on May 17 [1 favorite]

44. We are still living under the reign of lobster, but the lederhosen processes of our time apply only to the solution of problems of secondary interest.
posted by little e at 10:39 PM on May 17

45. The lobster, the lederhosen! The lobster, the lederhosen, the sub-criminal non-underclass! The lobster, the lederhosen, the sub-criminal non-underclass, the sewing machine! The sewing machine! The sewing machine! THE SEWING MACHINE!
posted by Kattullus at 7:27 AM on May 18

46. We watch the SEWING MACHINE, intently. Gradually the SEWING MACHINE fills our field of view completely, and still the camera zooms. Now we watch very closely the needle, the creative apparatus of the SEWING MACHINE.

What is it making? The conventional answer would be that the SEWING MACHINE is creating a tiny pair of lederhosen, with many legs. Such a pair of lederhosen would be suitable for a lobster, or some other similar creature.

Today we do not aim to shock. We settle upon the conventional answer.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:37 AM on May 18 [1 favorite]

47. The lederhosen asked the oboe, "Does a basketball?" The oboe replied, "When the lobster dances." Upon hearing this, the lederhosen were enlightened.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:22 AM on May 18

48. Sitting on Santa's lap as a birthday card for the Whoremongering Pride rally?

Wish I'd saved my potato story for this thread. From PubMed: A chopstick in the area, and you have a bigass shovel with which you can buy alcohol on one side of a hat. Wear it on your head while seductively feeding the lobster into a fine paste.
posted by little e at 4:15 AM on May 22

49. Repent therefore of this was not easy to get any blood on the lederhosen processes of our time apply only to the wrong thread, I am getting ready to apply. I'm preparing myself for half an hour of work by the bridesmaids the morning of the deceased, or, hey, if you want to consider the area is that I am certain this has something to do with hardcore and softcore taters, if only I could get one? At breakfast time?
posted by little e at 4:16 AM on May 22

50. Thus and therefore but not hence or how could be the lobster and mark it well but don't murk with will for that is the lederhosen gone and done for.
posted by Kattullus at 4:42 AM on May 22

Congratulations, comrades, we have now passed the 0.66% completion point for this list! And as we all know, the last 99.33% tends to go much more quickly given our increased state of exhaustion, masturbating until our palms are raw and bleeding, dramatic choral music, bordedom and encroaching ennui, etc., etc.

51. Painting a picture of clocks. Obviously the clocks are distorted and melting, it goes without saying, it is de rigueur in our line of work. In order to appear more exotic and Continental, do not forget to include French loan words when describing the goings on.

But wait! Is this item relevant? Is it one of those dada-surrealist tricks, where the item supposedly under consideration is not mentioned at all, that it is present only in its absence?

No, there is an interesting and relevant section of entry 51. The more interesting and relevant part is that there are a number of lobsters and lederhosen included in this painting. A critic might even say, when describing the painting, that there are too many lobsters, too many lederhosen.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:27 AM on May 22 [1 favorite]

I'm a girl my palms aren't really involved in masturbation, but I will give it my most valiant effort.

52. Nobody's chiming in with anything else, so I'm going to read the article, but now I'm going to the VIP area at a music festival, I'd much rather it be my own twisted needs. Divorce announcements used as graduation cards? Why, new beginnings can be challenging but full of possibilities. Keep up the good thing about finding a job before an apartment is that a significant portion of the moving van has worn off, but I've a fascination with many things transportation related. I love flying.
posted by little e at 5:49 AM on May 22

53. My out of town guests just called and they sold you an empty Solo cup. Containers remained hidden under the table arrangements ourselves. Roses in bulk from Sam's Club in simple vases, half an hour at the bar trying to find my way home, so I will give it my most valiant effort.
posted by little e at 5:52 AM on May 22

54. In the summer there the lobster wears three-piece suits to dress off the heat. Convince it to switch to lederhosen and a spandex football jersey.
posted by Kattullus at 6:20 AM on May 22

55. The women are sent to a Special Institute. Here, they are instructed in correct masturbatory techniques, encouraged to use their palms in the conventional way. The lobsters refuse to sign the release papers, and will not issue the Certificate of Completion, until the women's palms are raw and bloody. Men are brought in and their palms used as a control during the bi-weekly inspections.

In desperation, it is rumoured that some of the women resort to self-mutilation, hidden away with sandpaper and iron wool in the toilets.

Other women follow the lobster's advice, and learn to masturbate in the appropriate manner.

Lederhosen are strictly forbidden at the Institute.
posted by Meatbomb at 6:27 AM on May 22

56. Obtain a place on a parade float. When your floatmates beging tossing beads into the crowd, joyfully toss the lobster and the lederhosen instead. Remove all of your clothing except your mask and masturbate furiously until your floatmates forcibly remove you from the float.
posted by little e at 11:27 PM on May 25

57. Make passionate love to the lobster on the shore. You will see her again only in your dreams until nine months later, when she emerges from the surf carrying your newborn son, swaddled in the lederhosen.
posted by little e at 11:33 PM on May 25

58. Fill a stockpot one-third full of water. Heat to boiling. Plunge the lobster headfirst into water. Cover and heat to boiling; reduce heat to low. Simmer 10 to 12 minutes or until the lobster turns bright red; drain. Serve with butter and lemon wedges.

Tear the lederhosen into strips to be used as bandages to aid in the war effort.
posted by little e at 11:38 PM on May 25 [1 favorite]

59. Melt butter in a saucepan over medium heat. Stir in flour, salt, mustard and pepper. Cook, stirring constantly, until smooth and bubby; remove from heat.

Stir in milk. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir one minute. Stir in lobster and sherry, heat through. Serve over rice to your lover, who is allergic to shellfish.

Hide your lover's EpiPen beneath the lederhosen.
posted by little e at 11:40 PM on May 25

60. After seven years of friendship, the lobster knows you better than you've ever known yourself.
posted by little e at 11:41 PM on May 25

61. Do not touch the lobster, give it a wide berth. Warn away others in a dramatic way. Tell the crowd that gathers that the lobster is a murderer, that it killed your true love. Say it with conviction, strutting about in your tight and slightly soiled lederhosen.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:56 AM on May 26

62. Construct a wheel and loom from the bones of your loneliness. Spin the lobster into fine yarn. Weave the yarn into cloth. Sew the cloth into lederhosen. Masturbate onto the lederhosen, soiling them lightly.
posted by little e at 9:10 PM on May 27

63. Think the lobster, be the lederhosen, soil yourself, lightly.
posted by Kattullus at 9:23 PM on May 27

64. Lobster the lederhosen. DO NOT lederhosen the lobster.
posted by Dr. Spaceman at 9:30 PM on May 27

65. Drive three miles north. Turn left at the second road after the lobster. When you run out of gas and/or food and/or olfaction, get out, and walk north-northeast into the woods. After about three hundred feet, look for the skorb-runes carved into an ash tree. Read them closely. Read them again. Continue reading until your understanding of the skorb-runes is complete. (This may take several years. Do not pause for duckpin bowling, no matter how tempted you may be.) Walk twelve tracklings east until you reach the lake of cerulean gauntlets. Take some water into your cupped hands; taste, but do not swallow. Only then will you understand why (at least in any universe in which idiophones exist) the lederhosen must of necessity be lightly soiled.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:48 PM on May 27

66. Build a house of cards for the lobster. Berate it (the lobster, not the house) loudly and insult its uncle's lederhosen if it appears ungrateful.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 11:27 PM on May 27

67. Remember your grandfather by placing the lobster and the lederhosen respectfully on his grave.
posted by little e at 1:50 AM on May 28

Show the art critic your work. When he tries to engage you in discussion about the meaning of your work, act bored, and give monosyllabic answers. After some time, with a gleam in your eye, ask him conspiratorially, "Do you want to really know what it's all about?"

Take him down into the basement. Dress him in the lederhosen. Let the lobsters give him a brisk rogering while you dance to the "Goody Room" music in the style of Tom Cruise in the movie "Tropic Thunder". Say to him things like "Uh, huh, yeah. This is what it's all about, baby."

If he complains that the situation is not particularly surreal, and is derivative to boot, change the music to "The Nutcracker Suite".
posted by Meatbomb at 2:39 AM on May 28

(68.)
posted by Meatbomb at 2:39 AM on May 28

69. Electricity itself cannot be seen. The problem may remain hidden until it becomes very dangerous. Do not touch the victim.
posted by little e at 2:33 AM on May 29

70. Does the lobster suffer? Stretch the lederhosen until they are see-through like an abyss.
posted by Kattullus at 4:13 AM on May 29

71. throw away the "Important Safety Instructions" / attempt assembly based on the picture on the front of the box / discard any extra parts / insert lobster / remove lederhosen / insert penis / PAR-TAY!!!!!
posted by Meatbomb at 5:14 AM on May 29 [1 favorite]

72. Standing on the bow of the ship, staring at the horizon of the sea, turn to your uncle and ask him to pass you the lobster. Hold the lobster in your hands as you would a telescope, or a dream, and gaze down the ridge of the underside of the creature where the legs come together. There, within the confines of the hingeworks of his joints, you will see where shell meets flesh. Look closer. Closer still. There, within the darkness, a tiny light appears. Slowly zooming in, it is a streetlight over a city corner in a forgotten neighborhood. Newspaper clogs the gutters, and an old man sweep the trash from in front of his stoop. The night is silent, still as fog. He stops his sweeping, arching his back, and turns back, shuffling inside his rowhome. He plods slowly up the old creaking stairs, the front door swinging shut behind him with a resigned click. He gets upstairs and walks down the hall to the living room, settling into his favorite chair. The radio plays scratchy marching music. The old man looks at the dusty streaks on his living room windows, his eyes glazing over, and suddenly he is there - a young man in a European city, full of dreams, smiling. He struts down the city streets, winking at blushing young women. He stops at a shop window, and sees the lederhosen on display. At the time, he laughed, but now, looking back at himself then, he bows his face into his hands and weeps. As his sobs subside, the music on the radio fades. The sound of water splashing onto the bow of a boat. The lobster in your hands. And the horizon of the sea, far, far away.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:23 AM on May 29 [2 favorites]

73. The verbose surrealist's 7,483 things to do with a lobster and a lightly soiled pair of lederhosen. In bed.
posted by little e at 5:48 AM on May 29

work quota now at 30% completion! only 99% remaining!
posted by Meatbomb at 6:21 AM on May 29

74. Lobster a lobster. The redpinkwhite lobster or wettough lobster will comprise the lobsterster. Bachlobster nearing lederhosen hosen hosen ledhosen lobsfers. Copenshasa lederposen burying neverseenlobsterwise marihosen.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:49 AM on May 29

75. Chop four cups of lobster, slice about an inch of ginger root (don't bother peeling). Put both in a pot with 1 cup sugar and 1 cup water. Bring to a boil. Stir. Turn down the heat. Simmer 20-ish minutes. Remove from heat. Strain through lederhosen.
posted by little e at 11:03 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]

76.To your lederhosen be true, the fault in the soiling is not theirs, but the lobster's.
posted by Kattullus at 7:10 AM on May 30

77. Don the lederhosen, knee-high thick wool socks, the rest of the Bavarian outfit, and wooden skis. Ski through a forest of giant melting lobster trees.
posted by A dead Quaker at 6:23 PM on May 30

78. Call a funeral home. They deal with lobsters and lederhosen all the time.
posted by little e at 7:56 PM on May 30

79. Stuff the lederhosen in a sleeper sofa and put it on the curb for pickup. In front of your neighbors lobster of course.
posted by little e at 7:57 PM on May 30

80. Funeral pyre in the backyard. If your neighbors ask, say you're a lobster.
posted by little e at 7:57 PM on May 30

81. Drive way out in the desert. Dig a hole. Check the lobster tank isn't running on empty before you do this.
posted by little e at 7:58 PM on May 30

82. Call the lederhosen and be prepared to answer a lot of questions. You've made this much harder on yourself by waiting three weeks.
posted by little e at 7:59 PM on May 30

83. If you wait it out long enough, the lederhosen'll dry out and the smell will probably go away. Just be patient.
posted by little e at 8:00 PM on May 30

84. Okay. Seriously now. Cut off the fingers and pull out the lobster. Make a hot fire. And intensely hot fire. VERY HOT. Burn those. Make sure the teeth are gone.

Take body to running water and dump. Or a construction site with fresh lederhosen.
posted by little e at 8:01 PM on May 30

85. STAND BACK EVERYONE, HE'S WILLING TO DO THE LOBSTERS. THAT'S IT, RIGHT BACK. NO, FURTHER. THAT'S IT.
posted by little e at 8:01 PM on May 30

86. I think the best case scenario for you is that when the lobsters find this they contact you first so you can explain to them that someone you know used your lederhosen without your knowledge and that you're very sorry and it won't happen again.
posted by little e at 8:03 PM on May 30

87. If that person has had a lobster corpse in his/her lightly soiled lederhosen for 3 weeks there is no way the neighbors haven't noticed. And little chance of it being hidden at this late date.
posted by little e at 8:06 PM on May 30

88. A man will call, he will tell you he's a lobster, but don't believe him. Nevertheless, tell him that you're wearing lederhosen and when he asks you about the barely perceptible stain marks tell him that they're just crustacean eggs and definitely not the viscera of the last man who crossed you. He will ask if crustaceans lay eggs and tell him you don't know, you're too busy eviscerating people who ask inconvenient questions to keep track of the procreation methods of the various subphyla, something he'll say he understands. He'll tell you that the money is where it supposed to be and all the trawling reports too. Tell him he's a good lobster and that he can lick your lederhosen clean. He'll say that he doesn't think lobsters have tongues. That's when you know he's a traitor and that there are men outside who'll break down your door three seconds hence. Hoist up your hosen and leap out the bathroom window. Run, as fast and as far as your leatherclad thighs can take you.
posted by Kattullus at 9:18 PM on May 30

89. Hand wash the lightly soiled lederhosen separately in cold water. Only non-chlorine bleach when needed. Lay flat to dry. Cool iron if needed.

The lobster must be dry cleaned.
posted by little e at 10:10 PM on May 30 [1 favorite]

90. Gimme an L! Gimme an O! Gimme a BSTER! What's that spell? L-O-BSTER! When you pronounce it, continue to sound out the letters, i.e., "el-oh-buh'ster". You should wear a typical cheerleader outfit, but with lederhosen under the skirt.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:05 AM on May 31

91. The lobster is not here. Walk it!

(The lederhosen are implicit, but you must supply the stain)
posted by Kattullus at 5:01 PM on June 1

92. Consider the date. Meditate upon the list. Before it's too late, put on the lederhosen, grab the boombox, wield the lobster, and burst unexpectedly through the door into a thread where everyone was finishing their last drinks, putting away the veggie trays, and getting ready to call it a night. Shout "Woohooo!", jump up on the coffee table, start blasting Harry Belafonte's Jump in the Line as loud as that motherfucking boombox will play it, swing the lobster in circles above your head, and GET THAT PARTY STARTED AGAIN
posted by little e at 8:54 PM on June 2