He ain't Ralph.

June 16, 2009 6:27 PM

Someone to whom I am not married to has linked me in Contacts using the descriptor "Spouse." What recourse do I have?

Maybe for certain categories (like spouse) we could require the person linked to agree??? I mean, my real-life husband is pretty easygoing but this is kinda....unacceptable.

And fwiw I did use the contact form to email mods hours ago, so no one needs to suggest that.

posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies to Etiquette/Policy at 6:27 PM (1419 comments total)

And fwiw I did use the contact form to email mods hours ago, so no one needs to suggest that.

Then why did you post this? Just wait for a response. This does not constitute an emergency.
posted by amro at 6:30 PM on June 16, 2009 [8 favorites]

Huh. Meatbomb links to me as "co-worker co-resident sibling" when in fact we only known each other from the orgies.

I've said too much.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:31 PM on June 16, 2009 [59 favorites]

Also, maybe this is too obvious, but did you try memailing the errant linker?
posted by amro at 6:31 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

This does not constitute an emergency.

amro, are you that familiar with her "pretty easygoing" husband?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:33 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

mattdidthat (spouse sweetheart) · Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme (spouse)

I believe polyandry is a sin.
*and who the fuck is Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme?
posted by gman at 6:37 PM on June 16, 2009

A while back I added someone as a contact in response to them complaining in MeTa that they had no contacts. I think I put some jokey reason, like "sibling" or "crush." Months later they MeMailed and asked me to remove it. I did. I think most people would do the same if asked. Try asking. Like amro says.
posted by The Deej at 6:38 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

We wrote you back to the email you sent to us, did you get it?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:39 PM on June 16, 2009

Because I can tell you, if you think having one fake spouse is bad, having thirty of them will be worse.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:39 PM on June 16, 2009 [196 favorites]

Gman, the mattdidthat one is new...sheesh...
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:39 PM on June 16, 2009

Your husband is Ralph of the Bunnies?
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 6:40 PM on June 16, 2009 [8 favorites]

Jessamyn, I was expecting to get a reply by memail *smacks forehead*
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:40 PM on June 16, 2009

Now let's see how many people do this just to be annoying...
posted by smackfu at 6:43 PM on June 16, 2009

Now let's see how many people do this just to be annoying...

That sounds like inciting.
posted by The Deej at 6:45 PM on June 16, 2009

Well, I Memailed the original fellow....fun's fun and all that but maybe y'all could confine it to a day or two and then despouse me? Cuz the real Mr St Alia keeps meaning to join and I'd have a lot of 'splainin to do.... ;-)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:47 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Does anyone take the contact categories seriously? Would your husband really look at that and think OMG my wife is married to another dude? That strikes me as a bit, er, silly.
posted by middleclasstool at 6:49 PM on June 16, 2009 [19 favorites]

Another planet.
posted by gman at 6:50 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

No, he wouldn't take it seriously, but I kinda do...and I don't like misunderstandings of that nature.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:53 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Not attention whoring.
posted by DU at 6:53 PM on June 16, 2009 [25 favorites]

Does anyone take the contact categories seriously? Would your husband really look at that and think OMG my wife is married to another dude? That strikes me as a bit, er, silly.

Me too. Damn, the things people think are a big deal blow my mind.
posted by jayder at 6:54 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

No, NOT attention whoring. I have as much right as anyone to make a complaint on this site, and it never would have gone to Meta if I'd remembered that mods email you rather than Memail you. It might not have been an issue for YOU but it was an issue for ME.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:56 PM on June 16, 2009 [22 favorites]

While we are on the subject, are these categories really necessary now that we know people play around with them? I mean, some of the categories lend themselves to that but I would like to think some would be a bit more, well, sacrosanct.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:58 PM on June 16, 2009

Actually, that whole thing is a web standard called XFN.
posted by smackfu at 7:02 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

For a while I thought it was fun to link to some of my contacts as both sibling and crush. I hope they didn't mind...
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 7:03 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

(Read that link if you want to see human relationships over-analyzed by some computer programmers.)
posted by smackfu at 7:03 PM on June 16, 2009

sacrosanct

What else is sacrosanct on metafilter?
posted by Pants! at 7:04 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Not Pants!
posted by gman at 7:05 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

Taters.
posted by fish tick at 7:05 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

Yeah, I guess different people have different priorities. It's words on the internet, but I guess if that bothers you there's no arguing about it. *shrug*

I mean, the quidnunc kid has me listed as "spouse" and we're both straight men. And while he's very handsome and successful and living in London and Australian and quite an intelligent and well-read man, and damn is he hilarious, so yeah, I guess if I was a woman I'd try to sleep with him, but that doesn't mean...

Oh no. I think I'm gay for quidnunc. Quid, MeMail me. We'll see if we can throw my wife in the mix.
posted by middleclasstool at 7:06 PM on June 16, 2009 [20 favorites]

What if a dude links to me as a spouse!?!? Does that make me (gulp!)....internet gay?
posted by popechunk at 7:07 PM on June 16, 2009 [12 favorites]

I would like an internet spouse.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:12 PM on June 16, 2009 [12 favorites]

'cuz EVERYthing you read on the internets is true....

folks, I'm beggin' here... please list me as spouse, friend, lover, tormentor, or whatever... it's just good to know someone cares...
posted by HuronBob at 7:12 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

I've been forbidden to post any thing else in this thread...

crap...
posted by HuronBob at 7:15 PM on June 16, 2009

I can't believe this post exists. Is this really happening?
posted by iamkimiam at 7:15 PM on June 16, 2009 [12 favorites]

I would like an internet spouse.

I'm thinking that by the time this thread gets closed, we'll all have about 50 internet spouses.
posted by popechunk at 7:17 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

metafilter has contacts?
posted by jabberjaw at 7:18 PM on June 16, 2009

*adds popechunk as spouse, cracks open handtooled leatherbound Gay Agenda, checks of 'Spread The Gay', removes popechunk as spouse, collects internet alimony*

My work here is done.
posted by CKmtl at 7:19 PM on June 16, 2009 [12 favorites]

metafilter has contacts?

Those cheap eyeglasses keep breaking.
posted by popechunk at 7:21 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

I just married matteo! You can all bring wedding gifts to me at the L.A. meetup next month. We're registered at Tiffany's.
posted by scody at 7:21 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

St. Alia, it's something you probably can't do anything about, but more importantly have no control over, so I suggest you elect to find it flattering and/or amusing.

Everyone knows that you choose the join type of the people you link to, and conversely, do not choose the join status of the people linking to you, so I think it's probably less significant than you're perceiving it to be. They're pretty informal and fluid designations; look at any of our higher profile users and you'll note a lot of interesting, one-sided connections.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:22 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm gonna need you to PGP this prenup.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:23 PM on June 16, 2009 [8 favorites]

This also means I'm now eligible for European Union citizenship, so SEE YA, YANKEE SUCKERS!
posted by scody at 7:23 PM on June 16, 2009 [7 favorites]

This is dumb.
posted by mimo at 7:24 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

man, i barely have any contacts, much less contacts that have visions of matrimonial bliss so large that they internet marry me without my permission.
posted by nadawi at 7:25 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Unfortunately, when either of them do remove you as their 'spouse', the status automatically changes to 'separated' and then after a year, 'divorced'.
posted by gman at 7:26 PM on June 16, 2009 [5 favorites]

I like being able to have a girlwife and a boywife here in my MeFiTopia.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:26 PM on June 16, 2009 [13 favorites]

I would like an internet spouse.

Would you like pancakes or a plate of beans at the reception?
posted by elfgirl at 7:26 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Is this where we ask for other options like arch enemy to be added to the catagories?
posted by Sailormom at 7:27 PM on June 16, 2009 [36 favorites]

i heard there would be pie and taters
posted by nadawi at 7:27 PM on June 16, 2009

Also, meatbomb keeps referring to me as brother...what's up with that.
posted by iamabot at 7:31 PM on June 16, 2009

I'm not above marrying everyone who responds in this thread.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:32 PM on June 16, 2009 [8 favorites]

the real Mr St Alia keeps meaning to join and I'd have a lot of 'splainin to do.... ;-)

Which reminds me (and why make a new MeTa thread when you don't have to, really?) my sweetheart recently got an account, has made some great comments, and then today was excited that she was allowed to post an FPP and had found an interesting story on NPR that she could post.

I warned her that it might be a little thin, which left her a little crestfallen, I fear. So I'm curious, I know that the mods pay careful attention to new users first posts to make sure they aren't SEO spammers and the like, but is there any sort of policy about being gentle with them in terms of deleting posts which might not meet the full standards of someone who's been around a little while.

I'm assuming not, as the quality of the site is probably paramount, but it would also make sense to be welcoming to n00bs in this sort of thing.

Mods, has this ever been discussed? Is there any sort of official or unofficial policy on this?
posted by Navelgazer at 7:33 PM on June 16, 2009

Also, I'm totally game for Brandon Blatcher e-marrying me. Ball's in your court.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:34 PM on June 16, 2009

The (spouse) must flow.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:35 PM on June 16, 2009 [72 favorites]

instead of hoping the mods would be easier on her, you should help her do some research to make her first FPP awesome.

(fwiw, i've only made one FPP and i was treated nicely and it was probably a little on the thin side too)
posted by nadawi at 7:35 PM on June 16, 2009

ohh! spouse jokes and now ball jokes! this thread keeps getting better
posted by nadawi at 7:35 PM on June 16, 2009

Mods, has this ever been discussed? Is there any sort of official or unofficial policy on this?

Well, we don't have any real policy, but we don't generally try to be jerks to newbies who make meh-but-not-sketchy first posts.

I would say that your sweetheart has a leg up on the average newb insofar as she knows someone already familiar with mefi off whom she can bounce ideas, but if she needs help beyond that it's pretty much drop us a line to get a second opinion or just jump in the pool like everyone else.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:38 PM on June 16, 2009

You'll have to Facebook me first, Navelgazer.

Interesting note: You can mark friendship status as "None", but Family status as "Married". In these relationships, the only sex is when you say "Fuck you" to each other.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:39 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

I'm not above marrying everyone who responds in this thread.

Is it cool if my mom moves in with us? I know she's a little standoff-ish, but she really likes you.

Also, I think I should quit my job.
posted by popechunk at 7:40 PM on June 16, 2009 [5 favorites]

/gets down on on one knee

Brandon, I know we don't know each other very well yet, but you have beautiful eyes and I think we would make some seriously awesome internet babies together. I hope you will accept this favorite as a token of my affection and agree to internet marry me, St. Alia of the Bunnies and Navelgazer in a four-way spousening.
posted by otolith at 7:40 PM on June 16, 2009 [7 favorites]

If "spouse" is too too sacrosanct, then perhaps we can have "civil union" contacts?

with benefits?
posted by Cold Lurkey at 7:41 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

You spent 'hours' waiting for a MeMail and never once checked your regular email? Not necessarily to check on that issue, but just in general? Damn, I check my email every 30 seconds or so all day long. And I barely ever GET email, other than spam and Facebook notifications.
posted by dirtdirt at 7:42 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

My contacts are just a list of people on the site I've slept with.
posted by gman at 7:43 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

Can we please add "fuck buddy" to the form?
posted by hermitosis at 7:44 PM on June 16, 2009 [39 favorites]

Is this where I come to get spurious spouses?
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:45 PM on June 16, 2009

Can we get Matt to just marry us all to each other in one site-wide giant ceremony?
posted by never used baby shoes at 7:46 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

I know that the mods pay careful attention to new users first posts to make sure they aren't SEO spammers and the like, but is there any sort of policy about being gentle with them in terms of deleting posts which might not meet the full standards of someone who's been around a little while.

We get everyone's first post emailed to us, really. And we try to either be all "OMG SPAMMER BAN THEM" or "huh, that's a decent first try but it's really not a great post at all, let's delete it and write them a nice email" or "Oh hey not bad, not bad at all, I think they'll do just fine here" and usually we check in on the thread to make sure it's not immediately torpedoed by one of the usual suspects out for lulz.

If she's linking to something from NPR, might want to say "okay hey if a lot of people have already heard about that on NPR, what else might make it into a killer post?" since we do get a lot of stuff that is sort of single links to newsy stuff and while that's certainly fine, about ten minutes of work can turn it into something with a lot more depth etc.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:46 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

Can we get Matt to just marry us all to each other in one site-wide giant ceremony?

Take that, Obama!
posted by hermitosis at 7:46 PM on June 16, 2009

I heard this was the thread to come to if I wanted a MeFi spouse. I like long walks on the beach followed by big plates of beans. I'm open on the whole gender thing, but you better not declaw your cat.
posted by donnagirl at 7:47 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

I just espoused jessamyn! I'll have dinner ready at 5:30, please don't come home all drunk after another bout at the gin mill with those... librarians.
posted by Mister_A at 7:48 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

I've got a headache now, so I'm not going to marry anymore of you tonight.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:48 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

I like that every time St. Alia does anything, someone has to attack her for it.

And by 'like' I mean 'don't like.'
posted by shakespeherian at 7:49 PM on June 16, 2009 [20 favorites]

If she's out with librarians, Mister_A, she's not coming home tonight.
posted by donnagirl at 7:50 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

I like that every time St. Alia does anything, someone has to attack marry her for it.

FTFY
posted by elfgirl at 7:51 PM on June 16, 2009 [9 favorites]

shakespeherian: I like that every time St. Alia does anything, someone has to attack her for it.

And by 'like' I mean 'don't like.'

The same fate would meet anyone who posted this.
posted by gman at 7:52 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

You spent 'hours' waiting for a MeMail and never once checked your regular email? Not necessarily to check on that issue, but just in general? Damn, I check my email every 30 seconds or so all day long. And I barely ever GET email, other than spam and Facebook notifications.

To be fair, I was out of the house most of that time....
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:53 PM on June 16, 2009

Everyone needs a hug MeFi spouse.
posted by never used baby shoes at 7:53 PM on June 16, 2009

MattDidThat, my Polaroid dowry has dwindled to 3 packs of UVID, one pack of type 88 from 1974, and a half box of type 55. And I snore. But still, it's like a dream come true!
posted by dirtdirt at 7:53 PM on June 16, 2009

I'll have dinner ready at 5:30

Hey, do all her spouses get dinner? I don't eat beef--just FYI.
posted by elfgirl at 7:55 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

For a while, I was trying to list everybody who worked in a library as a colleague. But then I gave up, because of jessamyn's and Plutor's efforts, and this convenient greasemonkey script.
posted by box at 7:55 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

jessamyn and cortex: thanks, that's about what I imagined. I think I was less afraid of her post being shot down out of instinct than I was of others shitting in it at the top of the thread (which says what it will about certain users, I suppose.) I offered to help her flesh it out, and her response was something along the lines of , "Argh! Don't bother, this seems more like work than fun and I already don't have enough time in the day!" which sounds worse than it is because this was happening over gchat and her IRL job can be frustrating (and doesn't allow her to web-surf, which would probably kill a great many notable mefites-in-the-making.)

There's a meetup a-brewin' in our area this weekend (she's already been to one) and hopefully that will rekindle the fire and get her to start making some FPPs (sorry, Matt, I know you don't like the term but it's handy) and in the meantime she's still happy to learn about threads which will interest her and which she'd be knowledgeable to comment in.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:57 PM on June 16, 2009

We need a NEMESIS category. Now that would be fun.
posted by cjets at 7:57 PM on June 16, 2009 [30 favorites]

If she's out with librarians, Mister_A, she's not coming home tonight.

*weeps*
posted by Mister_A at 7:58 PM on June 16, 2009

If she's out with librarians, Mister_A, she's not coming home tonight.

You're not kidding. Dinner last week was ruined. They're wild, I tell you.
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 8:01 PM on June 16, 2009

I've got a headache now, so I'm not going to marry anymore of you tonight.

not all couples have sex on their wedding night, you should be able to continue with your marriages as long as you promise to catch up tomorrow.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 8:04 PM on June 16, 2009

Hey, BrandonBlatcher, you're listed as my "co-resident". Does that mean we're living together? :)
posted by lleachie at 8:04 PM on June 16, 2009

What are you doing the rest of your life
Blue, green or grey, the Jessamyn West of your life...
posted by emelenjr at 8:05 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

it never would have gone to Meta if I'd remembered that mods email you rather than Memail you.

Egads, this is why people are taught that passive is evil.
posted by desuetude at 8:06 PM on June 16, 2009

NOT IN FRONT OF THE SPOUSES LLEACHIE.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:07 PM on June 16, 2009

I find my lack of wives disturbing.
posted by elfgirl at 8:08 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Divine Wino is my one and only. It's true, we're going steady.
posted by The Straightener at 8:08 PM on June 16, 2009

Other good categories: Hetero Life Mate, Unrequited Crush, Evil Twin Skippy, Introduced to Vice, Stalker ...

Okay, I've been at work for fourteen hours now and I think I am gettin' a little odd.
posted by adipocere at 8:08 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

I've married the same mefite four times already, but I'm only allowed to check one "spouse" category! Y'all are anti-multiple-gay-wedding-gifts, aren't you? I knew it!


*storms out*
posted by rtha at 8:09 PM on June 16, 2009 [9 favorites]

I'm back.
posted by rtha at 8:09 PM on June 16, 2009 [20 favorites]

We need a NEMESIS category. Now that would be fun.

But then everyone would know that my nemesis is the same person as my boyfriend is the same person as my cousin. And I can't have that being public.

Oh, shit.
posted by amelioration at 8:11 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

We missed you.
posted by Mister_A at 8:11 PM on June 16, 2009

If you like pina coladas...
posted by wittgenstein at 8:12 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

One time I caught my wife making the sex unto my best friend, and I was like, "Get off him!"
posted by Mister_A at 8:12 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

Real wife not internet wife.
posted by Mister_A at 8:13 PM on June 16, 2009

I find my lack of wives disturbing.

elfgirl, any wife of jessamyn's is a wife of mine.
posted by donnagirl at 8:14 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Wow, this is going to be some awesome wedding night. Let me get my negligee.
posted by readery at 8:16 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ok, I've spoused everyone 'cept Pants!, 'cause I just can't support that way of life.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:20 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Just make sure y'all sign the pre-nup. Otherwise you'll be exposed!
posted by carsonb at 8:21 PM on June 16, 2009

> I've married the same mefite four times already, but I'm only allowed to check one "spouse" category! Y'all are anti-multiple-gay-wedding-gifts, aren't you? I knew it!

rtha, sweetie, I know it's your birthday and everything today, but I need to tell you that jessamyn is my new internet spouse.
posted by gingerbeer at 8:24 PM on June 16, 2009 [5 favorites]

E spousing.
posted by phoque at 8:24 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

You know how sometimes you feel like even more of a bigger nerd than usual? Yeah, you know that feeling.
posted by Mister_A at 8:25 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

happy birthday rtha!
posted by special-k at 8:26 PM on June 16, 2009

All this spouse talk. This bespells doom!
posted by ericb at 8:27 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

See! Gay marriage leads to polyamory!

Also, I just made Brandon my spouse (jessamyn, you're next!) but the contact form wouldn't let me make him kin, too. WHY OH WHY??!!?
posted by rtha at 8:30 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

And by 'like' I mean 'don't like.'

Ah, "don't [don't like]". I see.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:30 PM on June 16, 2009

Well, as the Mormons say, "The plural of spouse is spice"<sup>*



*</sup>Note: Mormons do not actually say this, as far as I know
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 8:30 PM on June 16, 2009 [42 favorites]

Where's my internet harem?
posted by needled at 8:30 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I have three husbands already!

OMG. People! Do you know what this means??

TEH GAY MARRIAGE REALLY DID LEAD TO BIGAMY!

Awesome. I'm gonna go gay marry my dog now.
posted by scody at 8:31 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

goddammit rtha.

jinx. I owe you a coke.
posted by scody at 8:31 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wool! Coke!

Oh acoke. Ok.

In addition to polyamory and bigamy, also polygamy and polygyny!

Dogs and cats, living together...
posted by rtha at 8:34 PM on June 16, 2009

Okay, so ignignokt and I share an apartment, even though we apparently live in different states, and he has yet to inform me about his brother Meatbomb who is also living with us. Who I have never even seen, unless he was that fly I bug-sprayed and then squished half an hour ago.

Meatbomb, I'm sorry it had to end that way, but you were really behind on the rent.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:34 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

Whoops. Please don't anyone divorce me!
posted by rtha at 8:37 PM on June 16, 2009

Also, I just made Brandon my spouse (jessamyn, you're next!) but the contact form wouldn't let me make him kin, too. WHY OH WHY??!!?

You mean the anthropomorphical Metafilter that exists in my mind is a prude??
posted by Phire at 8:39 PM on June 16, 2009

so if brandon blatcher just made me his spouse, and rtha made brandon her spouse, does this mean i am rtha's spouse through transitivity?

(oh hai gingerbeer)
posted by needled at 8:39 PM on June 16, 2009

Reader, I married them.
posted by rtha at 8:39 PM on June 16, 2009 [31 favorites]

I was feeling left out, so I married my old MeFi account.
posted by lore at 8:40 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

folks, I'm beggin' here... please list me as spouse, friend, lover, tormentor, or whatever... it's just good to know someone cares...

Bob, I care. Mum cares. Social services care. And Freud cares.
posted by Sova at 8:42 PM on June 16, 2009

I hope someone thinks I'm nice enough to marry on the internets. I will gladly cybermarry anyone who thinks I'm good marital fodder.

Here's some things to consider:

- great with kids and pets
- hella funny
- great on-air voice
- excellent Frisbee player
- speaks Fluent Cat
- speaks even better Fluent Cat when drunk
- I brush my teeth
- I use deodorant
- I can swim
- can grow delicious vegetables from scratch
- looks way hot in a pair of jeans
- habla espanol!

p.s. seriously - is this thread for real? *blinks, rubs eyes, goes, "wow....", goes back to hopin' for offers of i-net matrimony*
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:44 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

How is it that jessamyn can get away with being married 11 times?
posted by boo_radley at 8:44 PM on June 16, 2009

SpouseTK421, why aren't you at your post?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:48 PM on June 16, 2009 [7 favorites]

Lipstick Thesbian - I just married you - not because of all those wonderful reasons, but because of the delicate shade of pink lipstick I imagine you're wearing.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 8:49 PM on June 16, 2009

Hey, guys? I think someone got MetaChat in my MetaTalk, or something. It's really weird and self-referential, and kind of incestuous, and it all seems to hinge on bunnies. Yup, definitely MetaChat in the MetaTalk.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:51 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Obama won't even let me get married on Metafilter. This pony sucks.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:54 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

I'm not above marrying everyone who responds in this thread.

Yippee! Gay weddings for everyone!

(Well, everyone who's in a Pixar movie, since otherwise it's only gay weddings for half of us.)
posted by rodgerd at 8:54 PM on June 16, 2009

I was strong for almost all of the thread, was not going to jump into the bonds of matrimony - but could not resist this : "speaks even better Fluent Cat when drunk"
posted by HopperFan at 8:54 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

The Reverend Sun Myung Moon would be proud of us tonight. I feel I've witnessed something very special, very beautiful, very...scody, is that a dog?


Oh, and I have this awful nightmare about being orphaned, soooooo, you know, if anybody can help me with that...
posted by Sova at 8:56 PM on June 16, 2009

Just think of this as a Heinlein-style line marriage for the continuity of MetaFilter.
posted by needled at 8:56 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wait, I never looked at my contacts - I live and work with Meatbomb, who's my brother? Awesome!
posted by HopperFan at 8:56 PM on June 16, 2009

I just remembered my RL ex got married today. THANKS METAFILTER!
posted by Sailormom at 8:57 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

"speaks even better Fluent Cat when drunk"
I fell for that line, too. But then i'm kinda slutty for the fluent cat speakers.
posted by readery at 8:58 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Okay, I just got married to her, just so I could get the California divorce. I don't like my numerous partners cheating on me. My lawyer will be issuing a lien on 50% of all her stuff shortly.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:59 PM on June 16, 2009

I first realized Metafilter was a cult when I checked my profile and discovered I had been clandestinely mass-married to 95,000 other people overnight. From there it was a short hop to blue robes (with #CCCC00 belts), recumbent yoga poses, and the unending mantra "Ugh. Um. Actually. Really?"

Metafilter: putting the cabal in kabbalah.
posted by milquetoast at 9:01 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

We really should extend XFN to include “tater” as a contact relationship type.
posted by ijoshua at 9:02 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

"Actually, that whole thing is a web standard called XFN."

And this whole thread is an example of the incredibly mind-boggingly stupid design flaw of XFN (and it's hafl-wit cousin, FOAF): It assumes everyone is teling the objective truth.

It has no way to disagree with an assertion ("No, he's not my spouse," or even "No, we're not friends.") and no way to rate the trustworthiness of individuals ("She's telling the truth; he isn't."). You would think that geeks who spend as much time as XFN's creators seem to would have learned a lesson from HTML "meta tags," but apparently they didn't. Assuming trustworthiness for self-ceated metatdata is stupid.

XFN always has been, and always will be, a source of undependable metadata. Best not to take is seriously.
posted by faster than a speeding bulette at 9:04 PM on June 16, 2009 [6 favorites]

I was feeling left out, so I married my old MeFi account.

Ohhh, kinky. *marries lore*
posted by deborah at 9:07 PM on June 16, 2009

How is it that jessamyn can get away with being married 11 times?

Have you met jessamyn? It seems utterly plausible to me.
posted by desuetude at 9:11 PM on June 16, 2009 [6 favorites]

Best not to take is seriously.

No shit.

Alia, I think your husband only has reason to worry if you start marking others as spouses. Even then, all he should worry about is that you take utterly pointless friend tags on a website way too fucking seriously.
posted by graventy at 9:13 PM on June 16, 2009 [7 favorites]

I want spouses! Line up, people.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:13 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Where is the "Sloppy Seconds" tag?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:16 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

We were all fighting for a week, and now, to patch things up, we're proposing.

This is the vastest dysfunctional relationship ever.
posted by palliser at 9:18 PM on June 16, 2009 [12 favorites]

I found marriage to be overrated, but I would love for all of you to be my sibling sweethearts.
posted by little e at 9:20 PM on June 16, 2009

This is the vastest dysfunctional relationship ever.

Just wait until we get bored with each other and start having babies to keep things interesting.
posted by donnagirl at 9:21 PM on June 16, 2009

OMG I HAZ NEW SPOUSES!!

(so far I have spoused rtha and gingerbeer. Who else?)
posted by special-k at 9:25 PM on June 16, 2009

This is the vastest dysfunctional relationship ever.

just imagine all the relationship askmes we're going to get
posted by needled at 9:25 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am totally not getting involved in this. I list someone as a spouse and the next thing I know, I've got a crazy wife hitting every button in my building and telling my superintendent that I'm a whore.
posted by jrossi4r at 9:30 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

just imagine all the relationship askmes we're going to get

"How to Be An Adult In Fake Internet Relationships"
posted by palliser at 9:30 PM on June 16, 2009 [7 favorites]

Ok, who's picking me up from the airport?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:32 PM on June 16, 2009

Anonymous's ask.me questions are going to be so much more complicated after all of this.
posted by Ms. Saint at 9:32 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: the vastest dysfunctional relationship ever.

(also, I speak cat-alan for any prospective suitors/suitorettes out there)
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 9:34 PM on June 16, 2009

I've got a crazy wife hitting every button in my building and telling my superintendent that I'm a whore.

Baby, why do you call me crazy when all I'm trying to do is love you?

whore
posted by donnagirl at 9:35 PM on June 16, 2009 [11 favorites]

Personally, I cultivate as many mefi spouses, sweethearts and crushes as I can possibly get. Go nuts, folks! /definitely attention whoring
posted by SassHat at 9:36 PM on June 16, 2009

(also, I speak cat-alan for any prospective suitors/suitorettes out there)
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth


I married you just for that username. Now I am HopperFan Lipstick Thespian a womble is an active kind of sloth.
posted by HopperFan at 9:37 PM on June 16, 2009

As a gay person, St. Alia, I happen to be bestowed with the magical ability to render heterosexual marriages utterly meaningless. Message me privately and we'll work something out.
posted by hermitosis at 9:38 PM on June 16, 2009 [87 favorites]

wow, there I was having a dull night at work, and now suddenly, I have some new acquaintancespousecontactcolleaguefriendco-residentspousemusecrushdates !!!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:40 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

If 500 users "spouse" me, I will delete hermitosis's account.
No I won't. yes I will, no I won't, NO! I won't.
posted by not_on_display at 9:51 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

*clears throat*

Every Other Metafilter User, it's been a while now since we met over tea. We've had our rough times, sure, like when I called someone a fuckwad and someone else asked if I was high or just stupid. But now, I ... I ... I don't even remember who that was, or when it was, or if I deserved it. So let's just say: we're here now, we love each other. Or we are at least indifferent toward one another, which was good enough for people in the olden days. And if I had a completely messed-up relationship question, you'd feel just a little sorry for me through your enjoyment reading about it.

So ...

Marry me?
posted by palliser at 9:52 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I would like to hear some internet marriage proposals from y'allz.

Here's one for Pink Superhero:

Triangle-head, I know you and I know we've known each other for a long time. But we've never really known each other in the way that marrying someone on the internet means. I want to change all that tonight, Triangle-head. I want to make you my internet spouse, for real this time, I mean it. I've changed, Pink. I just came back here tonight to tell you that.

You can throw me out if you want, Pink. It's all I deserve. But I'm a changed man and I want to click in the little box to make it legal between us, alright? Tell your mom she's wrong about me, tell your friends. Tell the whole damn town!

Because Pinksuperhero, we were meant to be. All that coding on this site doesn't mean a hill of beans in this crazy old world, but we have each other. And the edit function - but we won't need the edit function, Triangle-head. We....we'll be fine this time.

I swear.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 9:52 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm everybody's wife #48758.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:58 PM on June 16, 2009

Triangle-head

I would like to hear a proposal to Pyramid Head.
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:02 PM on June 16, 2009 [3 favorites]

mmm triangle head....
posted by yodelingisfun at 10:04 PM on June 16, 2009

I'm everybody's wife #48758.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:58 PM on June 16 [+] [!]

Whatever, kim. I am hurt that you haven't wived/husbanded me.
posted by special-k at 10:05 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

If I could favorite every comment you make more than once, I would special-k. Is that not enough?
posted by iamkimiam at 10:09 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh, and I love that you used my simple name. So endearing, I might just MeMarry you after all!
posted by iamkimiam at 10:11 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

awww (feeling rather warm tonight).
posted by special-k at 10:12 PM on June 16, 2009

Actually, I think this is an interesting issue which really does deserve to be thought through in an open Meta thread. Too bad about the pile on.
posted by Chuckles at 10:19 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

x (where x ∈ X and X is a set of everyone not married to me), will you marry me?
posted by daniel_charms at 10:21 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

For a while I thought it was fun to link to some of my contacts as both sibling and crush. I hope they didn't mind...

I was flattered and amused, at first. Now I plan on submitting your name if I ever need a lung or kidney.

Regarding the issue at hand - while the obviously sarcastic contacts I have don't bother me, I can understand how a bad-faith action like that, however small and petty, could get under one's skin.

And really, do the people doing it now want to be in the same league as these guys?
I think probably not.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:26 PM on June 16, 2009

I'm such a fuckin' queerboat kinky swinger that the mere thought of marrying my internet friends like MY MOTHER DID incidentally, makes me woozily faint and I immediately lurch for the gin, weed, cat o' nine, sheet latex, velcro playsheets, anal-eze, poppers and Lords of Acid records on vinyl. Okay it's a long, gin-soaked lurch. But the night, oh she eez moshe, moshe longer mon cherie. (Did you always want a dominatrix who spoke lolcat?)

So, not the marryin' kind. But I'll "crush" on a chosen few. (And on video and in fabulous footwear for a small gratuity.) I should add a few of you.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:40 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I don't have any Metafilter spouses, but I'm OK with that provided I get one before I'm 30.

I can't BEAR to be an old maid!
posted by Anonymous at 10:48 PM on June 16, 2009

I'm such a fuckin' queerboat kinky swinger that the mere thought of marrying my internet friends like MY MOTHER DID incidentally, makes me woozily faint and I immediately lurch for the gin, weed, cat o' nine, sheet latex, velcro playsheets, anal-eze, poppers and Lords of Acid records on vinyl. Okay it's a long, gin-soaked lurch. But the night, oh she eez moshe, moshe longer mon cherie. (Did you always want a dominatrix who spoke lolcat?)

So, not the marryin' kind. ...

Soooooo.... a hipster?

Don't hurt me!
posted by katillathehun at 10:50 PM on June 16, 2009

I'm such a fuckin' queerboat kinky swinger that the mere thought of marrying my internet friends like MY MOTHER DID incidentally, makes me woozily faint and I immediately lurch for the gin, weed, cat o' nine, sheet latex, velcro playsheets, anal-eze, poppers and Lords of Acid records on vinyl. Okay it's a long, gin-soaked lurch. But the night, oh she eez moshe, moshe longer mon cherie. (Did you always want a dominatrix who spoke lolcat?)

I'm not sure what that all even means, but I'm crushing on it!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:54 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh man, if you don't like having "spouse" under contact type, you should be glad you can't see what I wrote about you right there on your profile page in big letters.

FAR more scandalous.
posted by paisley henosis at 11:01 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

why isnt there a category for EXwife

just for chuckles
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:03 PM on June 16, 2009

why isnt there a category for EXwife

Because, just think about it - there's no way this would end well.
posted by daniel_charms at 11:14 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

I will exchange internetual favors for spousehood. You got any cats you need lol'd or whales you need failed, I'm your gal.
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 11:21 PM on June 16, 2009

I find my lack of wives disturbing.

* Force-chokes nearby Imperial Commander *

* heavy breathing *

This bickering is pointless. The mods will provide us with the location of the rebel base and we will crush the rebellion with one swift stroke.... huh? Oh, sorry, I kinda spaced out there.
posted by GuyZero at 11:22 PM on June 16, 2009 [2 favorites]

Now that you mention it, a contact category "hipster" would probably be the most revolutionary thing to happen to the social dynamic of this site ever. Heads asploding left and right. MeTa threads interweaving in rich suffocating tapestries of hypertext and taterful bile. Sweeaterpuppies and bonzai kittens living toether. I love it.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:22 PM on June 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hey is there some way we can set this anonymous up on a date with this anonymous?
posted by little e at 11:28 PM on June 16, 2009

185 comments and I've got no new spouses?! *cries*

/always a bridesmaid
posted by Space Kitty at 11:49 PM on June 16, 2009 [4 favorites]

We're all in this together, people.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:02 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Look at these guys, Colton. No sheep is safe tonight.
posted by tellurian at 12:05 AM on June 17, 2009

I knew the iMarry app in iPhone OS 3.0 was trouble!
posted by lukemeister at 12:10 AM on June 17, 2009

You people are crazy. Half of your spontaneous internet be-spousals will end in spontaneous internet divorces anyways. And most of those probably tomorrow morning when you wake up and see him/her/them/us in the light of day and wonder "Good god, what have I/we/they done?" Seriously, serial monogamy is the way to go.
posted by sambosambo at 12:10 AM on June 17, 2009

I don't want an e-spouse, but would someone be willing to be my e-ex-spouse? We could fight in front of the kids on the holidays and have drunken, self-shaming, co-dependent sex once a year when one of us is in town on business.
posted by secret about box at 12:30 AM on June 17, 2009

Is this the thread where you can get a spouse?
posted by Skyanth at 12:44 AM on June 17, 2009

i feel like you people aren't taking the institution of internet marriage seriously.
posted by empath at 12:50 AM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

I am shocked - shocked! - that the MeFi contacts system reproduces the patriarchal norms of capital. No God, No Boss, No Husband.
posted by Abiezer at 12:55 AM on June 17, 2009

Oh yes, looking at this in the light of day will be amazing.

So do I look soulfully at the keyboard or the screen as I propose to the crowd gathered here?
posted by Pronoiac at 1:03 AM on June 17, 2009

Queerboat kinky swinger,
Who could hang a name on you?
posted by lore at 1:10 AM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

An open marriage proposal:

I honestly feel that we have a future together so I gotta tell you a couple of things. A) Heroin will always be number one and therefore you will always be number two. B) Anything you bring into the relationship such as ipods, TVs, and the like, will be sold for heroin. And last but not certainly least, I have the tendency to sleep in the corner in the fetal position, covered in my own puke. Now, having said all that, I think it's time I tell you the bad news.

There's another woman: Tracy. We've seen each other on and off for the past 7 years, and we've broken up 12 times now. And every time i do break up with her i have a pattern of seeing other women for about two months then I go back to Tracy. But this time I honestly feel that we've broken up for good and I will never see her again. but please understand I've said this 11 times, and I always go back to her anyway.

Well the heroin's in your court-, BALL! I mean the ball's in your court. You know, I look at you and I think you're beautiful. Then my mind wanders to Tracy. Tracy and smack. No, smack then Tracy.
posted by stavrogin at 1:10 AM on June 17, 2009 [21 favorites]

Half of your spontaneous internet be-spousals will end in spontaneous internet divorces anyways. And most of those probably tomorrow morning when you wake up and see him/her/them/us in the light of day and wonder "Good god, what have I/we/they done?"

So long as everyone takes a shower, I don't see what the big deal is.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:13 AM on June 17, 2009

Metafilter touched me in the bathing suit area.
posted by bardic at 1:14 AM on June 17, 2009

RESPECT TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE!! 1 ROBOT + 1 OCTOPUS!!!
posted by sambosambo at 1:15 AM on June 17, 2009

Is this the thread where you can get a spouse?

Comrade, have I got a Russian mail-order bride for you.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:16 AM on June 17, 2009

Metafilter touched me in the bathing suit area.

"front bottom"
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:17 AM on June 17, 2009

You are all my internet wives.

However, I have recently angered my actual-in-real-life wife.
posted by Jofus at 1:21 AM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

Everyone needs a hug wife?
posted by nat at 1:43 AM on June 17, 2009

(Is this where I report that a friend of mine seriously investigated the "Russian bride" thing? I didn't really know what to say when he told me.)

For all of you newly marrieds, a helpful guide.
posted by maxwelton at 1:45 AM on June 17, 2009

> You are all my internet wives.

I'm imagining that in a Papa Lazarou voice.
posted by Electric Dragon at 1:46 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Abiezer, why do you insist using politics to deny our spousal unity?
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 1:49 AM on June 17, 2009

Dearest Metafilter, it's all on a plate for us.
posted by urban greeting at 1:50 AM on June 17, 2009

I'm desperate mandyman, and basically clutching at any and every straw in a bid to escape my commitments. Isn't that what politics is all about?
posted by Abiezer at 1:52 AM on June 17, 2009

I'm imagining that in a Papa Lazarou voice.

yes! now can all the names be changed to dave?
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:09 AM on June 17, 2009

Screw Mefi spouses. I want a MeFi male harem.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:21 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

....Okay, women can share the harem, but I get to run the place.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:22 AM on June 17, 2009

*wakes up, looks around*

You know, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:45 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

The cornerstone to every successful, open marriage is talk Metatalk.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:47 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

So, spouse is sacrosanct, but saint is fair game?

Baffled unmarried athiest seeks sibling crushes for explication and maybe more.
posted by carbide at 2:56 AM on June 17, 2009 [12 favorites]

why isnt there a category for EXwife
Because, just think about it - there's no way this would end wellwendell.
Because my CrazyExWife taught St. Alia all she knows... regretfully for MetaFilter.

And if anybody tries to list ME as a spouse, I'm going to help bust my Ex out of her institutional housing and deliver her to your front door.

So, spouse is sacrosanct, but saint is fair game?
carbide wins the thread.

BTW, the aforementioned Ralph actually once sent me a message via the "contact" form on my personal blog, and while it was a very interesting proposition, I REALLY don't swing that way. (He was offering to save my soul, spiritually; so many entertaining ways that can be interpreted)

A year-and-a-half ago I made my own addleheaded MeTa post regarding the Contacts categories, and it did not wendell either. Since then I learned that they are even less than meaningless and any attempt to interpret why somebody else clicked the boxes they did will lead to madness. Still, I have removed all the mostly-sarcastic categories I had previously checked (matt, I am no longer calling you 'dad') and if I ever categorize anyone as "Crush", know that I mean it like Red Robot in Diesel Sweeties.
posted by wendell at 3:04 AM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

I want a spouse, but only if its klangklangston, because he's sexy.
posted by Justinian at 3:10 AM on June 17, 2009

So is mathowie going to walk us all down the aisle individually or do we just bumrush the altar?
posted by minifigs at 3:48 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Wendell, are you sure that was Ralph? I don't remember him ever doing that-as far as I know he doesn't even know you exist?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:01 AM on June 17, 2009

I wish that "other" were an option.....
posted by brujita at 4:10 AM on June 17, 2009

Oh, let me retract that-I just asked him and he did. He said it was years ago. I honestly do not recall it tho.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:11 AM on June 17, 2009

I want a spouse, but only if its klangklangston, because he's sexy.

Just FYI, you made me cry Justinian.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:21 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

St. Alia of the Bunnies: Oh, let me retract that-I just asked him and he did. He said it was years ago. I honestly do not recall it tho.

Why would you? It was a message sent from your husband to wendell. Can we all expect to be saved upon Ralph's arrival?
posted by gman at 4:32 AM on June 17, 2009

To the moon, Alices!
posted by Divine_Wino at 4:37 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Goddamn, I hate it when I go to bed early. I totes slept through all the weddings. I'm like Muriel's mom or something.
posted by shiu mai baby at 4:39 AM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

So when do I get my internet conjugal rights?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:40 AM on June 17, 2009

To put in plainly, I am genuinely curious why your husband sent someone he doesn't know a message - offering to save him?
posted by gman at 4:53 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

in = it
posted by gman at 4:54 AM on June 17, 2009

gman: Who doesn't want a good, long, and hard saving once in a while?
posted by Justinian at 5:06 AM on June 17, 2009

I am genuinely curious why your husband sent someone he doesn't know a message - offering to save him?

If you believed someone you didn't know was going to get left behind while the rest of us were swept up in the rapture, wouldn't you want to save them as well?

Letting people burn in hell out of ignorance is a most unChristian thing to do.

Now about those conjugal rights...

"If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing or her conjugal rights." Exodus 21:10

Fear not, my new spouses. I've got enough passion to satisfy all of my internet wives conjugal needs. I *know* my Christian duties and I take the sacrament of internet marriage very seriously.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:16 AM on June 17, 2009

gman: Who doesn't want a good, long, and hard saving once in a while?

If your Ralph salvation lasts more than 4 hours, call your doctor post to MeTa.
posted by jerseygirl at 5:22 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

The hardest part of internet marriage is coming out to your parents.
posted by DU at 5:25 AM on June 17, 2009

Also, you can tell Ralph I have no interest in his newsletter. Or is it conceited of me to think I'm on his Internet Personages That Need Saving ASAP list?
posted by DU at 5:28 AM on June 17, 2009

I just love the name Ralph. Does he have a MeFi account? I'll totally spouse him.
posted by jerseygirl at 5:30 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Hi.

My name is Brandon and I'm a spousoholic.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:31 AM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

Or as Tom Waits says, I know a girl who's been married so often she has rice marks all over her face.

And as George Strait says, I've got so many exes and owe so much I oughta be on Hollywood Squares.

I mean, it's been 2 or 3 whole days since there's been a MeTa all about one particular member. It's hard when you just have to be the center of attention.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:31 AM on June 17, 2009

Ralph: I'd spouse it.
posted by gman at 5:35 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

I knew this was going to happen as soon as gays could get married in Iowa! Fox news was right!

It's in Revelations, people!!!
posted by JoanArkham at 5:41 AM on June 17, 2009

*wakes up*

YAY! I have wives!
posted by elfgirl at 5:47 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

gman: Who doesn't want a good, long, and hard saving once in a while?

Don't make me Ralph.
posted by gman at 5:58 AM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout.....
posted by readery at 6:00 AM on June 17, 2009

Is there any love left for me? I'm a girl with glasses who loves comic books, who once worked in a library, and has two cats. How am I still MeFi single?
posted by Four-Eyed Girl at 6:06 AM on June 17, 2009

I would very much like no spouses, but I will take as many 'kin crushes' as I can get. YEEEE HAW!
posted by WinnipegDragon at 6:06 AM on June 17, 2009

I posted a very similar MeTa back in my "fresh off the longboat" days.

I ended up with three spouses, and an endless number of siblings/muses/childhood crushes - some of which overlapped.

Oddly, the MeFite who *was* my real spouse at the time is the only one who no longer is listed as such. Funny that.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:07 AM on June 17, 2009

I would internet-marry you all, if I could, but frankly I'm holding out for a website that makes more money, and doesn't speak a word of English.
posted by steef at 6:07 AM on June 17, 2009

As an incentive to anyone who'll spouse me, if you do you can't be compelled to testify against me at least in our little make-believe world if not the real one not that there's anything to testify about, mind you.
posted by scalefree at 6:18 AM on June 17, 2009

I'm holding out for a website that makes more money, and doesn't speak a word of English.

A Russian porn site? Well, can't fault that logic.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:19 AM on June 17, 2009

Metafilter: Suffocating tapestries of hypertext and taterful bile.
posted by applemeat at 6:21 AM on June 17, 2009

I won't get MeFi married until all my fellow MeFites can get married.


Oh wait.
posted by shiu mai baby at 6:27 AM on June 17, 2009

Hey guys, just a quick heads-up: I am not married to SAotB. I hope none of you were confused by that. We did not have a glorious ceremony in front of our friends and family, with flowers and dancing - oh, such dancing! - and we certainly did not tenderly but ravenously consummate our union on a bed of rose petals at my cousin's Terry's place in the Poconos.
posted by Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme at 6:29 AM on June 17, 2009 [22 favorites]

who once worked in a library

God no, I can't condone that sort of thing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:34 AM on June 17, 2009

I'm holding out for a website that makes more money, and doesn't speak a word of English.

http://estou-em-seu-website-comprando-seu-viagra.com
posted by sleevener at 6:35 AM on June 17, 2009

Always the MeFi bridesmaid, never the MeFi bride.....

*sobs amongst cinders*
posted by freya_lamb at 6:47 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

taters here. hot, marriageable taters.
posted by soft and hardcore taters at 6:48 AM on June 17, 2009

True story: Metafilter was founded by Mormons trying to escape religious persecution for their belief in polygamy. ST. ALIA I CHOOSE YOU FOR A CELESTIAL BRIDE.
posted by Ryvar at 6:56 AM on June 17, 2009

I have a number of contacts who list me as "crush".

I take this as sign of my ability to project my immense virility over TCP/IP
posted by The Whelk at 7:01 AM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

isn't calling someone your spouse when they don't want to be associated with you in that manner a form of sexual harassment?
posted by pyramid termite at 7:01 AM on June 17, 2009

Actually, I think this is an interesting issue which really does deserve to be thought through in an open Meta thread. Too bad about the pile on.

Feel free to use contacts the way they were meant to be used, and enjoy the 'recent activity' sidebar to your hearts content. Or you can fuck around with them, and hide the sidebar. Your choice. Personally, I recommend using contacts and the sidebar as a stalker, following people you hate from thread to thread, mercilessly disagreeing with their every post.
posted by graventy at 7:02 AM on June 17, 2009

isn't calling someone your spouse when they don't want to be associated with you in that manner a form of sexual harassment?

Maybe in the real world. If you think that's sexual harassment on the internet, I admire your innocence.
posted by graventy at 7:02 AM on June 17, 2009

Wow. I'm so late to this spousefest... but I've been spousing away! Are we all moving to Utah now and taking up residence in a compound? Will there be a chart for who spends time with whom? I don't like folding laundry, but I sure do a mean bathroom cleaning.
posted by sadiehawkinstein at 7:06 AM on June 17, 2009

if it's sexual harassment in the real world, it is here
posted by pyramid termite at 7:08 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

I take this as sign of my ability to project my immense virility over TCP/IP

I'm pretty sure there's an RFC for that.
posted by namewithoutwords at 7:09 AM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

Your husband is Ralph of the Bunnies?

When/if St. Alia's husband does join, I SO hope he picks that for his user name. Please, please, please.
posted by marsha56 at 7:09 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

It's a little odd to have made this post considering you married three more dudes since last night.
posted by gman at 7:10 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I have a number of contacts who list me as "crush".
I take this as sign of my ability to project my immense virility over TCP/IP
posted by The Whelk

It might be a sign that a number of people enjoy crushing whelks.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:11 AM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

isn't calling someone your spouse when they don't want to be associated with you in that manner a form of sexual harassment?

Spouses have sex?
posted by DU at 7:15 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I love myself too much so I am going to marry myself.
posted by govtdrone at 7:17 AM on June 17, 2009

isn't calling someone your spouse when they don't want to be associated with you in that manner a form of sexual harassment?
posted by pyramid termite at 7:01 AM on June 17

I agree with you. By wordlessly checking a box on a web form, and nothing else, I have caused another person untold grief and indescribable agony. I am a monster who should be locked up forever. You are the smartest person on MetaFilter.
posted by Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme at 7:19 AM on June 17, 2009 [12 favorites]

Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme! get back in this demensional crystal RIGHT NOW or so help me Many Gods!
posted by The Whelk at 7:22 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Huh, so I just found out that I have no internet spouses, but meatbomb lives with me.

I hope he cleans up the basement soon.
posted by yhbc at 7:22 AM on June 17, 2009

This is the dumbest MeTa in, what? Forever?
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:23 AM on June 17, 2009 [10 favorites]

In a way, doesn't Meatbomb live with us all?
posted by The Whelk at 7:24 AM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

Wait 'til you see how many husbands Ralph gets after he signs up. Two words: Man Harem.
posted by The Straightener at 7:27 AM on June 17, 2009 [6 favorites]

Manrem?
posted by The Whelk at 7:28 AM on June 17, 2009

I prefer to think of it as Ralph's Wiggum.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:30 AM on June 17, 2009 [12 favorites]

Your husband is Ralph of the Bunnies?

When/if St. Alia's husband does join, I SO hope he picks that for his user name. Please, please, please.

Seconded and yes please times a zillion. Every time he'd post I would immediately think of Ralphie in a bunny suit. I would never, ever, ever stop laughing. This could be his avatar and everything! BA-RILLIUNT.
posted by shiu mai baby at 7:31 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

We have spouses.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:31 AM on June 17, 2009

Brandon Blatcher just added me as a spouse so we no longer have to live in sin.


Honey, can you pick up the poppers for later? The other Husbands in the Manrem are running low
posted by The Whelk at 7:32 AM on June 17, 2009

I have hundreds, if not thousands, of Internet Roommates and you should see the hijinks we get into when Mr Roper comes down to see if we are living in sin.
posted by DU at 7:33 AM on June 17, 2009

and the sound of a thousand door-slamming farces echo through eternity.
posted by The Whelk at 7:38 AM on June 17, 2009

Guys, we better cool it. If Ralph finds out we've been marrying his wife, he might join and then mark us all as "Internet Feud Opponents" (and mark her as "Sleeping On The Couch").
posted by DU at 7:41 AM on June 17, 2009

Wait 'til you see how many husbands Ralph gets after he signs up. Two words: Man Harem.

Hey! I called dibs on that one!...
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:43 AM on June 17, 2009

I think this thread made me dumber.
posted by chunking express at 7:45 AM on June 17, 2009

I thought that sexual harrassment was based on the feelings of the victim, and could be pretty much anything.

(by the way, DU, nice tits!)
posted by Meatbomb at 7:45 AM on June 17, 2009

Suggested New Contact Descriptions:

Soul Mate

Chum

Well-wisher

Contemporary

Compatriot

Comrade

Eye-Candy

Peer

Mistress

Friend

Friend with Benefits
posted by The Whelk at 7:46 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

....How about "minion"?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:47 AM on June 17, 2009 [5 favorites]

Flunky.

Goon.

Hitman.
posted by The Whelk at 7:49 AM on June 17, 2009

I hope you're not all expecting gifts for these weddings, I'm flat broke.
posted by harriet vane at 7:49 AM on June 17, 2009

Honey, can you pick up the poppers for later? The other Husbands in the Manrem are running low

I'm not sure you're passed the background check yet. Have you gotten a security pass yet?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:50 AM on June 17, 2009

You have a couple months after the wedding to bestow a gift. SAIT.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:50 AM on June 17, 2009

you already have my fingerprints.

How you got them, I'll never know, but there you go.
posted by The Whelk at 7:52 AM on June 17, 2009

Hey, don't get a swelled head just because Meatbomb says he's your sibling. He sibbed me too, so clearly this dude will sib anybody. (Is anybody here not his sibling?)

Apart from that, all I've got is some "mets" and a few friend/acquaintances. I'm a good cook. Anybody interested?

*weeps alone in corner, quietly*
posted by Quietgal at 7:55 AM on June 17, 2009

/marks Meatbomb as Sexual Harasshat
posted by DU at 7:58 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Chum is one of those tricksy ones.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:00 AM on June 17, 2009

no kidding
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:03 AM on June 17, 2009

I'm comfortable with the ambiguity.
posted by The Whelk at 8:03 AM on June 17, 2009

Wait, these aren't your fingers?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:04 AM on June 17, 2009

A good cook? I'm in! I'm a slob, but very good at remembering to pay the bills, and I make great cocktails.
posted by harriet vane at 8:05 AM on June 17, 2009

Ooh! I always wanted to get married so I could sit at home and let myself go!
posted by orange swan at 8:10 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

isn't calling someone your spouse when they don't want to be associated with you in that manner a form of sexual harassment?
posted by pyramid termite at 7:01 AM on June 17

What do we call it when someone doesn't want to be associated with a person who actually believes this in the context of this post? Batshitinsane harassment?
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:15 AM on June 17, 2009

harriet vane: "A good cook? I'm in! I'm a slob, but very good at remembering to pay the bills, and I make great cocktails."

We need a "from the same work of fiction" contact. You and me, mrzarquon and Slarty Bartfast...
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:18 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme, your agonizer, please.
posted by EarBucket at 8:22 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Don't forget pzarquon.
posted by mrzarquon at 8:23 AM on June 17, 2009

Mucker.
Both Chum and Pal were brands of dog meat when I was a youth.
posted by Abiezer at 8:30 AM on June 17, 2009

I hope you're not all expecting gifts for these weddings, I'm flat broke.

Right? With only 100 favorites a day, how are you supposed to make a real statement about which couplings (er... pairings? groupings?) you truly support?
posted by amelioration at 8:37 AM on June 17, 2009

SPOUSEZ PLEEZ
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 8:37 AM on June 17, 2009

IF IT'S ON THE INTERNET IT MUST BE TRUE!
posted by klangklangston at 8:37 AM on June 17, 2009

So when I mark someone as crush because I've totally destroyed them I'm doing it wrong?
posted by Sailormom at 8:39 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Biga-you? I'm the one with two wives!
posted by klangklangston at 8:42 AM on June 17, 2009

/needs more spousery
posted by desuetude at 8:43 AM on June 17, 2009

enspouselment?
posted by desuetude at 8:43 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

spouseuetude?
posted by desuetude at 8:44 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Everyone got their Metafilter-buddy?

/coyly holds hands with Terrapin
posted by Jofus at 8:45 AM on June 17, 2009

*collects internet alimony*

So that's what I've been doing wrong. I've been collecting internet acrimony.
posted by Eideteker at 8:47 AM on June 17, 2009 [8 favorites]

Spouses! I haz dem!

Metafilter is not a community property state. So no worries about me taking half of your favorites when we break up.
posted by jerseygirl at 8:50 AM on June 17, 2009

Have I missed my chance? Will I die, unloved and alone, and WITHOUT A METAFILTER SPOUSE? Woe betide me!

*sob*
posted by ocherdraco at 8:50 AM on June 17, 2009

I'm laughing so hard at this thread that I'm weeping real tears. Tears of firey and endless damnation, of course, but tears nonetheless.

I've spent my quiet, mostly-lurky time on Metafilter wondering what this "contacts" business is all about. And now I know. Now, I can redirect my attention away from keeping track of the taters, deep-fried chocolate pickles, and slippers-on-pedals to focus more properly on assembling a coven of Hellspouses. This is a good day.
posted by Hellgirl at 8:52 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

coven of Hellspouses

Hellspice.
posted by DU at 8:53 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

From the southeast chapter of the Legion of Doom, the evil Dr. Blatcher watches as the spouse army grows.

"Oh yes, GOP, oh yes," he cackles "Soon, SOON, my old foe, your worst nightmare will come true and my nefarious legions will spring forth, voguing from the shadows in a fearsome tidal wave of unnatural pairings and threesome and so-on-and-so-forthsomes. You can not stop us, we are many and you'll love it, we're baking cookies too!"

And then, with a fearsome sneer and voice dripping with unholy evil, he snarls "Vegan cookies."
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:58 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Is this where we ask for other options like arch enemy to be added to the catagories?

We need a NEMESIS category. Now that would be fun.

This is what "crush" is for. It's "people you'd like to crush," not "people you have a crush on."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:02 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Come to the Dark Side. We have vegan cookies.
posted by Big_B at 9:02 AM on June 17, 2009

We have spouses.
posted by The corpse in the library

Biblionecrophiliacs? Who knew?
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:08 AM on June 17, 2009

Sweet. Mass marriages are a great place to meet chicks, and this one doesn't even have some skeevy cult leader hogging the karaoke machine like the last one I went to.
posted by EatTheWeek at 9:10 AM on June 17, 2009 [5 favorites]

I used to be a sadistic, necrophiliac bestialist.

But I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
posted by yhbc at 9:11 AM on June 17, 2009 [7 favorites]

Can we please add "fuck buddy" to the form?

We need a NEMESIS category. Now that would be fun.

Can we combine these to form "enemies with benefits"?
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:12 AM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

Nemesex?

(I'll get my coat.)
posted by Jofus at 9:13 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Can we combine these to form "enemies with benefits"?"

We've already got a category called "spouse."
posted by klangklangston at 9:15 AM on June 17, 2009 [18 favorites]

Frenemies with bennies.
posted by iamabot at 9:30 AM on June 17, 2009

Is this the cruising thread?
posted by lunit at 9:32 AM on June 17, 2009

Wow. With all these people getting married, there must be some jilted MeFi brides out there. This is for them: It Should Have Been Me
posted by ob at 9:33 AM on June 17, 2009

Or
posted by ob at 9:35 AM on June 17, 2009

Wait, mathowie isn't a skeevy cult leader?
posted by lukemeister at 9:40 AM on June 17, 2009

*What are you going to talk to me about?
-I'm going to talk to you about whether you want to get married or not. To me.
*Ha ha ha. Hoo hoo hoo.
-I mean it.
*I know.
-Oh, well thanks a fucking bunch.
*I'm sorry. But two days ago you were in love with that girl who interviewed you for The Reader, weren't you?
-Not in love, exactly, but...
*Well forgive me if I don't think of you as the world's safest bet.
-Would you marry me if I was?
*No. Probably not.
-Right. Okay, then. Shall we go?
*Don't sulk. What brought all this on?
-I don't know.
*Very persuasive.
-Are you persuadable?
*No. I don't think so. I'm just curious about how one goes from making tapes for one person to marriage proposals to another in two days. Fair enough?
-Fair enough.
*So?
-I'm just sick of thinking about it all the time.
*About what?
-This stuff. Love and marriage. I want to think about something else.
*I've changed my mind. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. I do. I will.
-Shut up. I'm only trying to explain.
*I mean, maybe you're right. But were you really expecting me to say yes?
-I dunno. Didn't think about it, really. It was the asking that was the important thing.
*Well, you've asked.
-Thank you.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 9:43 AM on June 17, 2009 [6 favorites]

Yeah, but he's my skeevy cult leader.
posted by everichon at 9:44 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Four-Eyed Girl, you are internet-single no longer! I too am a girl in glasses who used to work in a library...and has um, five cats. Comic books are take 'em or leave 'em, tho. :) Also, we have the same birthday! (And I used to work at a community college.)

Perhaps I am doing it wrong...do we need a category for doppelganger?
posted by epersonae at 9:44 AM on June 17, 2009

and this one doesn't even have some skeevy cult leader

Uh, hello?!? I'm standing right here, y'know?
posted by Meatbomb at 9:45 AM on June 17, 2009

I agree with you. By wordlessly checking a box on a web form, and nothing else, I have caused another person untold grief and indescribable agony. I am a monster who should be locked up forever. You are the smartest person on MetaFilter.
posted by Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme

So are you the version with or without the goatee?

Either way, I wish you and your new bride many years of happiness.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:50 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

My bad, your worship. Now, when were we supposed to donate our balls to the comet? I lost my planner during the last round of shaming rituals and initiation orgies.
posted by EatTheWeek at 9:50 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Is this the thread where I link to my friend's band?
posted by yarrow at 9:51 AM on June 17, 2009

All this time I thought cmonkey was my metafilter husband but on checking, it turns out he is only a friend coworker colleague muse crush. Dammit cmonkey! When did we break up?
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:53 AM on June 17, 2009

(He was offering to save my soul, spiritually; so many entertaining ways that can be interpreted)

What a boorish thing to do.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:56 AM on June 17, 2009

Oh and I'm marrying you, scody. That will add three more dogs to the mix which will hopefully work out way better than that personals ad I wrote one time that said looking for a guy with a truck, a guitar and a dog: it turns out the picture I have in my head of a guy like that is way, way different than the guys who would actually describe themselves like that. Compared to that, our four dog marriage should be awesome.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:56 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Look out, scody has mad AskMe RelationshipFilter skills.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:57 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Bored now, downloading iPhone 3.0 update.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:28 AM on June 17, 2009

Heh. And now St. Alia has 7 spouses, just as jessamyn predicted.

This is one of the funniest threads I've ever read. Gotta love MeFi. :D


Seriously though, St. Alia? It sounds like a silly thing for your husband to be bothered about.
posted by zarq at 10:29 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I can't believe it took me so long to find this thread. Where have you been all my life?

Please say I'm not too late to steal *someone's* heart?!

Internet spouses! I needs them.
posted by misha at 10:30 AM on June 17, 2009

Get ready Misha, you're about to be spoused!
posted by jerseygirl at 10:32 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Because I have the clinical condition known as Evil Brain, I immediately suspected both that Alia has had inappropriate internet relationships before and that her husband is jealous and beats her.
posted by klangklangston at 10:32 AM on June 17, 2009 [7 favorites]

Oh, Ralph.
posted by jerseygirl at 10:33 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

SNORK. I just checked my profile. Brandon Blatcher is now my acquaintance, neighbor, AND spouse. Very efficient, that Brandon.
posted by lleachie at 10:33 AM on June 17, 2009

Woohoo! I am now one of the Housewives of New jerseygirl!
posted by misha at 10:34 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Always a MeFi bridesmaid, never a MeFi bride.
posted by sephira at 10:34 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

If you marry me, I'll give you twice as much respect



of course 2 x 0 is still 0
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 10:35 AM on June 17, 2009

Sephira: SPOUSED!
posted by jerseygirl at 10:35 AM on June 17, 2009

I will internet-marry anyone. I have neither taste nor shame.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:36 AM on June 17, 2009

MiltonRandKalman: I want to be spoused with that bandana!
posted by jerseygirl at 10:36 AM on June 17, 2009

I condemn this thread and so would the Pope if he knew about it. Hating on Internet Marriage is threatening the traditional institution of Hating on Gay Marriage.
posted by DU at 10:38 AM on June 17, 2009

I demand more She-Husbands and Man-Wenches!

Also, the perversion in this thread is astounding. Doesn't anyone belive in traditional Contact Adding any more? Contacting is a bond between a man and a woman, another man, some other guys, some girls, and possibly an alternate-universe clone. And it is *forever*. None of this "removing contacts" jazz that the kids are into these days. That's why when I die, all my contacts are welcome to join in the afterlife by being buried alive with me.
posted by The Whelk at 10:39 AM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

Congrats jerseygirl, you're my new wife. Good thinking on updating your relationship status to "taken". Heywaitaminute...
posted by sephira at 10:41 AM on June 17, 2009

The Hellspicery has begun! Hellspice for everyone!

Is there a "spouse-thread spouse" option in the contact description field?
posted by Hellgirl at 10:43 AM on June 17, 2009

I just married klangklangston, which is something I've been meaning to get around to for a while now. But you know what? It won't let me put both spouse and kin. Unfair! I wish to reserve the right to marry my kin should I be so minded. And I suspect klangklangston is probably both, anyway.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:45 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ooh, I know!! Can we also have a sex with ducks contact? Can one person be the duck and can the other be the sex with?
posted by ob at 10:48 AM on June 17, 2009

I've never added a single person as a contact, mainly because I don't even get what it's for. But I just noticed I've added 3 or 4 since yesterday, two of them spice! I'm gonna be in SUCH trouble when Ralph gets here!

(PS: I demand the immediate adoption of "when Ralph gets here" as the MetaFilter Debate Vague Future Threat. As in "this thread is going to be deleted when Ralph gets here" and "Mutant and Malor, you better shape up before Ralph gets here".)
posted by DU at 10:51 AM on June 17, 2009 [18 favorites]

Only if we can still keep the original format, DU. As in:

Mutant and Malor, you better shape up before Ralph gets here. Thar she blows!
posted by ob at 10:56 AM on June 17, 2009

*drops to one knee*

*proposes to 65,000 people*
posted by EatTheWeek at 10:56 AM on June 17, 2009

All this talk about Ralph and spousing has gotten this stuck in my head and it won't go away.
posted by sephira at 10:56 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Obama won't even let me get married on Metafilter. This pony sucks.

You're mine now, Pileon! Get me a beer!
posted by Mister_A at 11:00 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hey, can one of my spouses clean my bathroom, please? Because it needs cleaning but I don't really feel like it right now.
posted by rtha at 11:01 AM on June 17, 2009

Oh hi. It's taking a bit to download the update, so if you want me to pay attention to you, ok. You've got 47% of 6 minutes left
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:01 AM on June 17, 2009

Is Brandon Blatcher the spousiest? Can someone ascertain this?
posted by Mister_A at 11:02 AM on June 17, 2009

Hey BB I want to be a stay-at-home spouse, is that OK? We don't really need 102 incomes. We'll be OK with 101, and this way I can spend more time with the kids, by which I mean Bioshock.
posted by Mister_A at 11:03 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Would you spouse me? I'd spouse me. I'd spouse me hard.
posted by gman at 11:05 AM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

"Can I have a spouse?" she asked in a small voice.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:05 AM on June 17, 2009

Where's my internet harem?

That's where I'm a viking.

Wait a second...
posted by zennie at 11:06 AM on June 17, 2009

Thanks for the nightmares, gman. *shiver*
posted by shiu mai baby at 11:07 AM on June 17, 2009

OK, rtha, we're married now on account of your being able to identify a sparrowhawk from 6000 miles away

I've married you right back, Your Time Machine Sucks.
posted by rtha at 11:08 AM on June 17, 2009

Welcome to the family, mudpuppie! I hope you don't mind if I have sex with other people, though.
posted by Mister_A at 11:08 AM on June 17, 2009

You're mine now, Pileon! Get me a beer

My mom warned me about you!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:09 AM on June 17, 2009

She was right!
posted by Mister_A at 11:10 AM on June 17, 2009

"MUDPUPPIE, I HAVE SPOUSED YOU," SHE SHOUTED BACK.
posted by rtha at 11:10 AM on June 17, 2009

Hey Blazecock, you know that package I sent you? You owe me. Sign the papers and lets Pileon.
posted by The Whelk at 11:12 AM on June 17, 2009

"Will you be mine?" Tom espoused.
posted by DU at 11:12 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Mudpuppie - SPOUSED!
posted by EatTheWeek at 11:16 AM on June 17, 2009

Would you spouse me? I'd spouse me. I'd spouse me hard.

Q: You like spousing? You are a person who likes the spousing acts that we are currently engaged in?
A: Yes! I am! I like spousing!
posted by sephira at 11:17 AM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

We're going to need t-shirts.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:21 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

and rings. Lots and lots of rings.
posted by The Whelk at 11:22 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

and a bigger hot tub
posted by DU at 11:23 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

"spousing makes me feel good" should be engraved in the rings or printed on the shirts
posted by EatTheWeek at 11:24 AM on June 17, 2009

Your wife--is she a spouser? Knowwhattamean?
posted by elfgirl at 11:25 AM on June 17, 2009

Oh, say no more!
posted by Mister_A at 11:26 AM on June 17, 2009

Internet Marriage is all well and good but Internet Key Parties are where the real action is at.
posted by minifigs at 11:29 AM on June 17, 2009

Hey Blazecock, you know that package I sent you? You owe me. Sign the papers and lets Pileon.

Signed, sealed and almost delivered.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:29 AM on June 17, 2009

This is the first time I've spoused. Please be gentle.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:30 AM on June 17, 2009

Hellspice.

Soooo tell me what you want what you really really want
I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
Tell me what you want what you really really want
I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
I want FIRE AND BRIMSTONE!!!!!!!
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:30 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Spouse is a funny word. It's almost like spaz.
posted by Mister_A at 11:31 AM on June 17, 2009

rtha said:
I've married the same mefite four times already, but I'm only allowed to check one "spouse" category! Y'all are anti-multiple-gay-wedding-gifts, aren't you? I knew it!

I have this fancy that maybe if you real-marry one mefite four times, and then you mefi-marry 4-to-the-4th mefites one time each, maybe you trigger the formation of some sort of awesome matrimonial mefi tesseract and then we all get to go adventuring through space and time. The proposed phenomenon would also unlock a hitherto unknown part of the site known as MeMarryMe (aka "the white," aka "the professional white") and causes all 80,000+ of us to suddenly be covered by each other's insurance. Or maybe it just causes us all to be covered by anildash's insurance.

In aid of exploring this further, I have gone ahead and mefi-married you. And then I mefi-married gingerbeer, because you know, in for a penny, in for a pound.

And then I mefi-married some other people, because who can stop at two?

And then I saw that me real spouse never bothered to spouse me on Mefi, and I wept a single, tiny, crystalline tear. Which I was forced to hide from my coworkers, along with my mefi-browsing.


posted by palmcorder_yajna at 11:31 AM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

This is the first time I've spoused. Please be gentle.

Ok, but only because you've been saving yourself for that special person. Who am I kidding? I'm gonna spouse the shit out of you in a minute.
posted by gman at 11:33 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I went ahead and married rtha. I think I'm done, unless someone really hot comes along.
posted by Mister_A at 11:36 AM on June 17, 2009

Too late Mister_A, you're my spouse now.
posted by sephira at 11:37 AM on June 17, 2009

we all get to go adventuring through space and time.

Whatya mean get to. I'm moving sideways through the Velvet Spacetime as we speak.

You may now address me as The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon

Filling out forms is going to become quite an adventure.
posted by The Whelk at 11:38 AM on June 17, 2009

Look out, scody has mad AskMe RelationshipFilter skills.

Oh, man. I guess this means that in order not to be a total hypocrite, I have to listen respectfully to, like, half a dozen idiot jerkface sweet, awesome spouses talk about their stupid deep and valid feelings now, doesn't it?

Crap.

*resolves to stop trying to give good RelationshipFilter advice*
posted by scody at 11:41 AM on June 17, 2009

At least I'll be able to remember our anniversary, sephira.
posted by Mister_A at 11:41 AM on June 17, 2009

Everybody now:

Who're the men or women joined in
Mass polygamy?

emm ee aitch
eff aye eee
spuh oh you ess ee

Yes we've barely met but be my
Husband number three

emm ee aitch
eff aye eee
spuh oh you ess ee

MEFI SPOUSE!
MEFI SPOUSE!

Forever let us let our freak flags
FLY! THIGH! LET'S GET HIGH!

Come along with thong or dong for
Polyan-duh-ree

emm ee aitch
eff aye eee
spuh oh you ess ee
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:42 AM on June 17, 2009 [15 favorites]

I'm not going to the Internet Key Party if Fark is there. You don't even want to know what they're into.
posted by JoanArkham at 11:42 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Henceforth known as the Great Spousing Thread of 2009.
posted by Pax at 11:42 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

All right, spouses and outer spouse-of-a-spouse network - it's time to start sorting out the reception music and nominate buffet ice-sculpture subjects.
posted by EatTheWeek at 11:46 AM on June 17, 2009

Scody's most favorited AskMe comment.

Scody's most favorited AskMe comment that pertains to relationships.

A+++++ SPOUSE!!!!!!!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:46 AM on June 17, 2009

One of my favorite Mitchell and Webb radio bits was the honest wedding vows sketch. Among other things it included "You're thicker than me, and I quite like that."

Are any of you thicker than me? Because I quite like that.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 11:46 AM on June 17, 2009

We're all in deep shit when Ralph gets here.
posted by jerseygirl at 11:47 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

A toast to my new spouses Brandon Blatcher and jerseygirl, on our wedding day:

The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.

But I shall try to tell you how much you mean to me: the hours I spend with you on Metafilter I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. The two of you alone make me feel that I am alive. Others, it is said, have seen angels, but I have seen you both and you are enough.

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. If you both live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have,
for both are infinite.

To my internet husband, and my internet wife: how fortunate I am to be, with both of you, joined in meta-matrimony.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:48 AM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

WHAT
THE
FUCK
METAFILTER?

This is what I get for sleeping in. I miss the damn chain marriage orgy.

Gah, why are my feet all sticky? And... ok, I don't want to know what's in my hair, and both of my hands smell like strawberry lube. And my knees!? AAAAUGH. You people are sick! Depraved!

You better have taken pictures or video, damnit! I want to see them!
posted by loquacious at 11:52 AM on June 17, 2009

Oh, say no more!
posted by Mister_A at 2:26 PM

...mon amour?
posted by desuetude at 11:52 AM on June 17, 2009

I thought I was done marrying mefites, but then cortex came along with that song and I thought, what's the harm in one more...

Also, since marriage is forever, I'll have plenty of time to disabuse him of the notion that it's Meh-fie.
posted by donnagirl at 11:52 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Make that The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak.

Also, co-worker? You're on the other side of the continent, dude. Unless you're the guy who fixes my Crystal Chamber Matrix. In which case, honey, it needs a new Breathing Hyperdrive. The mouse is getting tired.
posted by The Whelk at 11:56 AM on June 17, 2009

A+++++ SPOUSE!!!!!!!

Yes, that's right! For those of you who marry me, you will get to gaze upon several original Chuck Jones sketches, and when you declare that you will love me forever because of it, I will reply sweetly that all relationships end, either by separation or death.

Then: cocktails!
posted by scody at 11:56 AM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

[Confidential to my new spouse palmcorder_yajna: I had not noticed our espousal at the time I wrote the above toast to my other meta-spouses. Consider it a toast to you, too!]
posted by ocherdraco at 11:56 AM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Fuck y'all and your crazy fakey internet marriages, cheapening the sanctity of a blessed institution.

I, for one, am keeping it REAL: Spinster and proud, bitches.
posted by shiu mai baby at 11:59 AM on June 17, 2009

No sweat - I'll grab one next time I swing through the Infinite Factory. What's for dinner?
posted by EatTheWeek at 11:59 AM on June 17, 2009

Mastodon in a Cryptosause. Don't ask what's in it. The waveform will collapse and all the zing comes from the particle/wave probability.
posted by The Whelk at 12:02 PM on June 17, 2009

I, for one, am keeping it REAL: Spinster and proud, bitches.

Nope. Spoused. Sorry.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:03 PM on June 17, 2009

All this internet wedding-stuff is great and heady, but what about keeping the spark alive? Long-distance relationships can work, but long-distance polygamous relationships? Or is it all about cybering now? If so, I think I need some new erotic phrases, because my last attempts were back in 1996 on AOL.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm really a virgin. Please be gentle.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:05 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I just married desuetude for being a smarty-pants. I can't stop spousing!!
posted by Mister_A at 12:05 PM on June 17, 2009

20 dollars, same as in town.
posted by iamabot at 12:06 PM on June 17, 2009

....The most I've got is a couple muses. PHooey. :-(
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:07 PM on June 17, 2009

You Choo Choo Choose me?
posted by loquacious at 12:08 PM on June 17, 2009

Mastodon in a Cryptosaus.

Just don't expect me to do the washing up after we eat that bad boy. Hell, we won't even be able to deglaze the pan until the Large Hadron Collider comes back online.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:09 PM on June 17, 2009

Eideteker , had we been spoused, I would have totally unspoused you for copying the whole thread into a comment. I would have unspoused you so hard.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:09 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hey we're married, empress! Let's do it!
posted by Mister_A at 12:10 PM on June 17, 2009

Awwww, you guys! 6 new spouses already - that's so sweet! *sniffle*

Dammit, I forgot to set up my wedding registry. Is it too late to ask for a slow cooker?
posted by Quietgal at 12:10 PM on June 17, 2009

I came into this thread expecting nonsense and maybe a flameout; didn't expect to leave with six new spouses - this sure is gonna make the 10th Anniversary Meetup a pain in the ass to schedule!
posted by jtron at 12:10 PM on June 17, 2009

WHAT
THE
FUCK,
NOT SPOUSE?
posted by jerseygirl at 12:13 PM on June 17, 2009

Did someone just get cut and paste?
posted by gingerbeer at 12:13 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Eideteker, this isn't going to get you any spouses.
posted by sephira at 12:13 PM on June 17, 2009

You spent 'hours' waiting for a MeMail and never once checked your regular email? Not necessarily to check on that issue, but just in general? Damn, I check my email every 30 seconds or so all day long. And I barely ever GET email, other than spam and Facebook notifications.

To be fair, I was out of the house most of that time....
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:53 PM on June 16 [+] [!]

So do MeMails get sent straight to your phone then?
posted by jtron at 12:14 PM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

Yeah you really think you'll catch yourself a man this way, Eideteker?
posted by Mister_A at 12:14 PM on June 17, 2009

Dammit, I forgot to set up my wedding registry. Is it too late to ask for a slow cooker?

Hun, I am a slow cooker. Mmm. Beef bourguignonne. Oh yeah. It'll be ready tomorrow. Let's go grab a couple of the spouses and work up an appetite... playing Scrabble.
posted by loquacious at 12:15 PM on June 17, 2009

I think I finally see the point of the contacts function!
posted by Julnyes at 12:15 PM on June 17, 2009

to those of you who forlornly requested spousitude, I have espoused you. BB may have the most spice but I think I may have spiced the most others. I love you all, now take yr clothes off and get me a sandwich!
posted by supermedusa at 12:15 PM on June 17, 2009

Eideteker, what is wrong with you?
posted by The Whelk at 12:15 PM on June 17, 2009

Did someone just get cut and paste?

And search too!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:16 PM on June 17, 2009

Oh, man, I was totally gonna make a stupid joke earlier about how a "man harem" should be called a "hisem" but then I realized it didn't make a lot of sense and so I forgot about it but now I'm mentioning it anyway to get Eid's bizarro pastefest out of my Recent Activity.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:16 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

*smacks Eideteker with rolled up favorites*

Bad spouse, BAD!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:17 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Brandon Blatcher, would you kindly get your spouse in line? I'm suffering from a pretty severe case of WTF-itis over here.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:18 PM on June 17, 2009

Dude. Dose.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:18 PM on June 17, 2009

*fills Eideteker full of angry bees*
posted by loquacious at 12:18 PM on June 17, 2009

cortex: now I'm mentioning it anyway to get Eid's bizarro pastefest out of my Recent Activity.

If only you had the power to delete those comments, I would spouse you!
posted by scody at 12:18 PM on June 17, 2009

Seriously, dude, I didn't think it was really possible to do something annoying in a thread like this but cut it out with the pointless crapflooding.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:18 PM on June 17, 2009

Eidteker, tell me you didn't just decide to flame out on my (and everyone else's) day. Tell me you didn't.

And ffs, if you do tell me, don't say it with cut-and-paste.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:19 PM on June 17, 2009

Brandon Blatcher, I think I may have to divorce you if you can't get your other spouse in line...
posted by sephira at 12:19 PM on June 17, 2009

Also: DAMMIT, PALMCORDER_YAJNA.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:19 PM on June 17, 2009

Um, that was supposed to be "wedding day."
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:19 PM on June 17, 2009

WHOOOOOOA IT'S LIKE MEMENTO IN HERE.
posted by katillathehun at 12:20 PM on June 17, 2009

Not my spouse anymore.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:20 PM on June 17, 2009

OMG Eideteker is trying to make the thread eat itself! Run my spouses! Run away from the impending recursive universe lest you be forever trapped!
!deppart reverof eb uoy tsel esrevinu evisrucer gnidnepmi eht morf yawa nuR !sesuops ym nuR !flesti tae daerht eht ekam ot gniyrt si reketediE GMO
posted by The Whelk at 12:20 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Oooh AND it looks like he flagged cortex. This is going to be an ugly divorce.
posted by sephira at 12:21 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Mecca lecka heigh mecca hidie-ho,
MECCA LECKA HEIGH HECKA EIDIE NO
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:21 PM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

At last, I have found the secret path into scody's spousedom.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:21 PM on June 17, 2009

*fills Eideteker full of angry bees*

I vote for HOT ANGRY STICKY SNAKES
posted by The Whelk at 12:21 PM on June 17, 2009

Seriously, dude, I didn't think it was really possible to do something annoying in a thread like this but cut it out with the pointless crapflooding.
posted by cortex at 3:18 PM on June 17 [+] [!]

I make the impossible possible.
posted by Eideteker at 12:22 PM on June 17, 2009

Not my spouse anymore.

Just like being broken up with on FB.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:22 PM on June 17, 2009

(just tried to rewrite that Johnny Cash song "When The Man Comes Around" as "When Ralph Gets Home;" failed due to lack of caffeine/inspiration)
posted by jtron at 12:22 PM on June 17, 2009

So, in light of Eideteker's massive post vomit, can we maybe have an opposite of spouse option, as in "Ex"? "Gay divorce(e)"? "NOT SPOUSE[IST]"?
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:23 PM on June 17, 2009

To my additional new spouses Your Time Machine Sucks and supermedusa: my love for you and all my Mefi spouses knows no bounds.
posted by ocherdraco at 12:23 PM on June 17, 2009

I make the impossible possible.

No, the Nutec Possibility Adjuster with the optional cat and box attachment does that, I mean , duh.
posted by The Whelk at 12:24 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

So, in light of Eideteker's massive post vomit, can we maybe have an opposite of spouse option, as in "Ex"? "Gay divorce(e)"? "NOT SPOUSE[IST]"?

All my exes live in MeTa.
posted by Eideteker at 12:25 PM on June 17, 2009

I'll marry anyone in here. It's got to be better than my near-miss in real life, wherein I very nearly married a man who left me for another man who COLLECTS THOMAS KINKADE FIGURINES. I mean, come ON...
posted by bitter-girl.com at 12:27 PM on June 17, 2009 [12 favorites]

This bespouses doom.
posted by everichon at 12:27 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

This will not wed well.
posted by Eideteker at 12:28 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

You had me at Thomas Kincaide Figurines, Bitter Girl.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:28 PM on June 17, 2009

Bitter-girl, I have just made an honest woman out of you, and I swear: not a single Thomas Kinkade figurine in my possession.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:29 PM on June 17, 2009

Also, what about "souse"? bitter-girl.com, I will happily be your souse.
posted by everichon at 12:29 PM on June 17, 2009

a mefite groused about a spouse
espoused not with consent,
and so upon the birth of Strauss
espousing all we went!

o bless the louse bespoused the spouse
who first the slope did slip!
the lords and ladies of the house,
of tie, and strap, and ruddy blouse,
are well made pleased to strip!
posted by zennie at 12:30 PM on June 17, 2009 [6 favorites]

You want to talk about it Eideteker, would that help?

I think Scody is around.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:30 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

So, for future reference, copying and pasting a long thread into itself will not stop the thread.
posted by Eideteker at 12:32 PM on June 17, 2009

I, too, have married bitter-girl. No Thomas Kinkade, but an alarming number of pornographic Pez dispensers in my collection.
posted by Mister_A at 12:32 PM on June 17, 2009

Also: the fact that your ex went for a guy who collects Kinkade figurines? I mean, I don't want to judge anyone's tastes*, but isn't Kinkade all, like, Mr. Christian Painter of Jesus Light and stuff? Doesn't that kind of, I don't know, conflict? With the idea of two dudes? Getting it on?


* - oh, who am I kidding? I just THE SHIT out that tacky-assed crap.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:32 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Fucking typo: * - oh, who am I kidding? I judge THE SHIT out that tacky-assed crap.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:34 PM on June 17, 2009

I would never marry someone who makes a typo like that.
posted by Mister_A at 12:34 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Do not judge me!
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:35 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Wow, you really are spoused.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:36 PM on June 17, 2009

With the idea of two dudes? Getting it on?

Shiu Mai Baby, you've now put in my head the idea of hardcore gay porn being rendered in Kinkade's gauzy pastel style.

Damn you Shiu Mai Baby, damn your filthy eyes.
posted by The Whelk at 12:37 PM on June 17, 2009

But they would be so beautifully lit, Whelk. The sheen of Astroglide would be positively luminous.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:39 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

So, for future reference, copying and pasting a long thread into itself will not stop the thread.
posted by Eideteker at 2:32 PM on June 17 [+] [!]

Or get one a timeout, apparently. Or is that just for goofy, stupid threads that should never have been started, like this one?
posted by jtron at 12:39 PM on June 17, 2009

generally speaking that would be timeout land, but cortex, my NOT-HUSBAND, is more of a softie than I am and I was outside assembling a tent when the infraction occurred.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:41 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

*Wipes tear*

This is beautiful, y'all! I know who's playing the wedding(s).
posted by barrett caulk at 12:41 PM on June 17, 2009

Because RALPH is RALPH so the streets must be filled with RALPH (DEATH)
-Son of RALPH
posted by DecemberBoy at 12:42 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I was outside assembling a tent when the infraction occurred.


This will be my go-to excuse for everything from now on.
posted by The Whelk at 12:42 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Quidnunc, it seems, is the Henry VIII of MeFi.

Which is fine, as long as I get to be Anne of Cleves
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:43 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Or get one a timeout, apparently. Or is that just for goofy, stupid threads that should never have been started, like this one?"

Oh no, I got a time out. That comment was made with a duplicate account made using a clever unicode trick.
posted by Eideteker at 12:44 PM on June 17, 2009

I might be spousing instead of favoriting at this point, but I'm looking forward to many happy years with all of you
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:45 PM on June 17, 2009

[But I'm untimed-out now.]
posted by Eideteker at 12:45 PM on June 17, 2009

500!
posted by Eideteker at 12:46 PM on June 17, 2009

i have to admit, by the end of this thread my commitment to monogamy came unglued and i started following someone else on Twitter.

i'm not sorry though it's the pope's fault.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:46 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I was outside assembling a tent when the infraction occurred.

Don't you have spouses to do that?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:46 PM on June 17, 2009

I have been reading but not participating in the enspousenating, but now I simply must know - Mister_A, do you really collect pornographic Pez dispensers, or is that just one of those things I want to be true, like the thing where jessamyn is a transformer, etc.? If you promise me you really, truly own at least one pornographic pez dispenser, I will dispense with my reticence and internet enspousenate you very forcefully.

Enspousenate is my new favorite word, can you tell?
posted by marginaliana at 12:46 PM on June 17, 2009

I, for one, am keeping it REAL: Spinster and proud, bitches.

I've got you down as "sweetheart" for now; I'm waiting to see if you put out on our group date next week.
posted by desuetude at 12:48 PM on June 17, 2009

fuck/marry/kill all y'all
posted by Eideteker at 12:48 PM on June 17, 2009

Enspousenation Enforcement Authority: Protecting Marriage By Any Means Necessary.
posted by The Whelk at 12:48 PM on June 17, 2009

Or get one a timeout, apparently.

Recursive crapfloods only get you a mild rebuke. For a timeout you need to crapflood with peace treaties* or similar.

*Small sections of the Treaty of Westphalia get a pass, but the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact or the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk are deal breakers. Also any lengthy treaty in Polish.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:49 PM on June 17, 2009

Has anyone written a greasemonkey script for mass-spousing yet?
posted by Maisie at 12:50 PM on June 17, 2009

I'm late to this party, but I'm MeMarrying a bunch of yez. WHEE!
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:51 PM on June 17, 2009

You want to talk about it Eideteker, would that help?

I think Scody is around.

*takes Eideteker by the hand*

Eid, I want you to know that whatever's upsetting you, we're on the same team. You can tell what you're feeling, and I won't judge you. I just want to hear you.










Now stop being a fucking putz.
posted by scody at 12:52 PM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

I kid! I rarely use Yiddish expressions!
posted by scody at 12:53 PM on June 17, 2009

Westphalic symbol.
posted by Eideteker at 12:53 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Westphallic fixation
posted by The Whelk at 12:54 PM on June 17, 2009

Eastside!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:56 PM on June 17, 2009

"You can tell what you're feeling"

No, I can't. If I could, I wouldn't be such a fucking putz.
posted by Eideteker at 12:57 PM on June 17, 2009

My dear new spouses,

Shiu Mai Baby, you've now put in my head the idea of hardcore gay porn being rendered in Kinkade's gauzy pastel style.

I must inform you that my current studio-mate Arabella did in fact begin a series called "Painter of Blight," in which, among other things, we see men in Cleveland Browns jerseys peeing on the sides of half-vacant buildings (with a shiny, shiny waterfall in the background!), and such. It now hangs on my dining room wall, where more than one mother in law will no doubt decide it is awful. I warn you of this, so you can shield your mothers' delicate eyes when you come to visit.

What's worse is not only did he collect the damn figurines, but he was a QUILTER.

(Says the professional knitter).
posted by bitter-girl.com at 12:58 PM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

Hey, fucking putzes just consummating the marriage, after all.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:58 PM on June 17, 2009

Or get one a timeout, apparently.

He cut it out by the time I got done cleaning up the first burst, or it would've been. Could've been anyway, but, like the tent lady said, I'm being a softie.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:59 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Now we need a pony that tells us our spouses' opinion of grilled cheese sandwiches.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:01 PM on June 17, 2009

bitter-girl.com, I think he may have accidentally married an old woman. You may want to ask him to check.
posted by The Whelk at 1:03 PM on June 17, 2009

Why don't you come up to my room and find out for yourself, marginaliana?

In other words, sorry, no erotic Pez dispensers.
posted by Mister_A at 1:04 PM on June 17, 2009

"why don't we go to the bedroom and ...dispense Pez?"
posted by The Whelk at 1:05 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Spouses! I command you to take me here for dinner tonight. (Blame Sidhedevil for bringing up grilled cheese.......even if she meant the other kind)
posted by bitter-girl.com at 1:05 PM on June 17, 2009

Wow, I just got spoused by a user with a user number lower than cortex. So low that I think I just might faint a little.
posted by loquacious at 1:05 PM on June 17, 2009

bitter-girl, I'm MeMarrying you right now just for that!
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:07 PM on June 17, 2009

oh hells yes, bitter-girl. if only you'd posted that link earlier - we could have had the ceremony there!
posted by EatTheWeek at 1:07 PM on June 17, 2009

Could someone marry me, too? Please? (I'm feeling so unmarried right now...)
posted by Jelly at 1:08 PM on June 17, 2009

Mister_A, my dreams are crushed. If there was a contact for "big ol' meanie," I'd select it for you right now.
posted by marginaliana at 1:09 PM on June 17, 2009

Should I get MeFi-married? Should I be good?
Astound the spouse next door with my Velveeta suit and faux-Ralph snood?
posted by steef at 1:09 PM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

*wonders if we can make a thousand comments before sundown in the server's PST timezone*
posted by loquacious at 1:12 PM on June 17, 2009

*rows*
posted by loquacious at 1:13 PM on June 17, 2009

HI HONEYS, I'M HOME! AND INEXPLICABLY SPOUSELESS
posted by Jofus at 1:14 PM on June 17, 2009

MEMARRY ME STEEF, YOU CORSO-RIFFING HOT TAMALE, YOU.

And don't take me to movies, but to cemeteries. Or maybe take me to movies in cemeteries. That's actually kind of fun-- your paler mausoleums actually make pretty good projection screens.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:15 PM on June 17, 2009

Thank you, bitter-girl and Brandon Blatcher. I feel much more married already.
posted by Jelly at 1:16 PM on June 17, 2009

AND INEXPLICABLY SPOUSELESS

Ungrateful wench!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:18 PM on June 17, 2009

This is, indeed, what MetaTalk is for.
posted by Mister_A at 1:18 PM on June 17, 2009

Gazes out onto the cold North Sea, helmet shining in the setting sun, sword in hand.

Come my Husbands and Wives! We take to the Sea! We shall have bloody sport tonight and no ship will say they passed us without fear! For plunder and glory! Away!
posted by The Whelk at 1:19 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Not tonight you don't, The Whelk! We're married now.
posted by Mister_A at 1:21 PM on June 17, 2009

What could you possible tempt me with that's better than burning a few Irish villages to the ground?
posted by The Whelk at 1:22 PM on June 17, 2009

loquacious: look in the tunk.
posted by msconduct at 1:25 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm late to the party. I don't need any internet spouses -- one real-life spouse is exasperating enough! -- but I'd settle for a Sugar Daddy (or a Sugar Mommy).
posted by amyms at 1:25 PM on June 17, 2009

Ooh, I know!! Can we also have a sex with ducks contact? Can one person be the duck and can the other be the sex with?

Some of us are actually married to ducks.
posted by octothorpe at 1:25 PM on June 17, 2009

What could you possible tempt me with that's better than burning a few Irish villages to the ground?

Drinking a few Irish villages to the ground.

Is that even possible? Anyone wanna try with me?
posted by clearly at 1:25 PM on June 17, 2009

THE RIVERS OF WHISKEY WILL RUN RED WITH MY TRIUMPH!
posted by The Whelk at 1:26 PM on June 17, 2009

545.

Symmetry is important
posted by The Whelk at 1:27 PM on June 17, 2009

Whoa! I got spoused by someone who doesn't even exist!
posted by jtron at 1:33 PM on June 17, 2009

Hey there jtron, no one is doubting that Brandon Blatcher existed in the past, the question is whether or not he walks among us now.
posted by The Whelk at 1:35 PM on June 17, 2009

I suppose this is as good as a place of any for this kind of sad exposition:

Hi, I like smart girls. A lot. And I'm kind of shy. Actually, sometimes I'm really shy. And often kind of clueless. I'm not even sure if I remember how to flirt properly.

I'm a decent cook, I wash dishes, I rub backs and feet better than a pro and I'm only marginally crazy.

I'm also perfectly ok with breaking tradition and being asked out by smart girls.

Seriously, can we have a dating subsite? So ronry.
posted by loquacious at 1:36 PM on June 17, 2009

Wait, you mean this isn't primarily a hook-up site? Then what have I been doing since September?
posted by The Whelk at 1:37 PM on June 17, 2009

Don't worry Eideteker, every wedding has that guy. That guy has too much to drink and wanders on to the dance floor and hurts himself trying to breakdance. That guy throws up at his table. That guy objects on cue. That guy hits on all the bridesmaids. Today, you are that guy.
posted by jefeweiss at 1:38 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

I WENT TO LUNCH A GIRL AND CAME BACK A WOMAN!!!!
posted by mudpuppie at 1:42 PM on June 17, 2009 [7 favorites]

Hey, Brandon_Blatcher just spoused me. I feel special!

*clicks on his profile*

193 spouses

*taps foot*

Brandon, we need to talk.
posted by zarq at 1:45 PM on June 17, 2009

My God is a powerful God. But if MeFi permits multiple marriages, then I guess he's wed-impotent. Hence, I create a MeTa thread ALL ABOUT ME!!!11!!!1 Now if you (by-choice) gays would stop e-marrying me against my will, I can sleep easy knowing you will all burn in hell. Though I will deny it, all Peter-like, so as not to appear as hateful as I really am. Though I deny it. Deep down, swear to (somebody else's) God!
posted by joe lisboa at 1:47 PM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

Heh. Perhaps it's kismet! Brandon and I joined MeFi on the same day.
posted by zarq at 1:50 PM on June 17, 2009

Dammit, this is what happens when I do actual work at work all day.

I MISS ALL THE INTERNETS ORGIES.
posted by elizardbits at 1:50 PM on June 17, 2009

Metafilter: We miss all the internet orgies.
posted by joe lisboa at 1:50 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I can't believe this is still going! I just married someone to celebrate
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:55 PM on June 17, 2009

Wow, this thread is like a weird and awesome microcosm of society.

Second Life? Sims? Eat dirt! Eat grey metatalk text-only dirt!
posted by jabberjaw at 1:58 PM on June 17, 2009

Sidhedevil - "betty boop warrior princess?" Darling, consider yourself spoused!
posted by EatTheWeek at 2:01 PM on June 17, 2009

All right - listen up, people! Next, we march on Washington to get Obama to extend federal benefits to MeFite spouses! WHO'S WITH ME?!
posted by chinston at 2:03 PM on June 17, 2009

These wives, it vibrates?
posted by Jon-o at 2:04 PM on June 17, 2009

No spouses for me: I've got Purity Balls.
posted by five fresh fish at 2:05 PM on June 17, 2009

hey loquacious, I like shy guys who reveal they like smart girls via sad exposition on a non-dating website. My feet hurt a little and I can teach you to be a better cook. Marry me?
posted by donnagirl at 2:06 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

So I have this new idea for a conservative social movement called Marriage4Men or M4M. It's basically a political activist organization designed to get men more interested in the Biblical concept of marriage and to show them that marriage isn't some kind of lovey-dovey sissy bullcrap that feminists make it out to be.

We have to show men that they can still be manly, powerful, authoritative, muscular, strong, authoritative, strong and muscular even when spending their whole life living with a woman. It's hard, I know, spending so much time around girls is such a drag sometimes so there will also be special "men only" M4M nights at local pubs and saunas where strong, authoritative Christian men can gather to experience our God-given masculinity in a strong and authoritative way.

I think this is going to be a great service to Christian men around the country since, as we all know, feminism and homosexuality have been slowly infiltrating our lives in the past few decades, making it harder to lead authentically masculine lives and just spending time hanging out with other men and doing manly things and giving each other backrubs and making sure our wives aren't getting internet-married to gay nerds or whatever.

So yeah were going to start up a website advertising our M4M group and hopefully it'll grow to become a sort of grass-roots organization across the country. We're expecting alot of growth as we have specialized recruiting teams visiting Boy Scout troops and high school locker rooms across the country to try and keep these budding young men from falling prey to femininity and emotions and whatnot.

I'll keep you all posted.
posted by Avenger at 2:07 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Dear Diary,

Oh happy day! For today is the day I leave behind my internet girlhood and step into internet womanhood. Yes, it is true. I am internet married! It matters not to me that I am not his only bride, nor his first. This is an internet-holy union! And I shall be taken care of FOR THE REST OF OUR INTERNET LIVES.

BABIES.

GIVE ME BABIES.

OH GOD. BABIES EVERYWHERE. NOW.

Oh, I do hope my internet family will not miss me too terribly! Love and kisses,

Katilla

P.S. I'm naming our first child Rusty!
posted by katillathehun at 2:07 PM on June 17, 2009

Well, a major benefit to all of this is that I've discovered there's a bunch of people I still need to link to. People that I've actually met multiple times and still haven't marked as "met", people who I admire and adore. (What the fuck, loq? How'd you fail to like to rtha this long? You remembered to link to gingerbeer. And QuietGal? You've met her like four times! How many others?)

If we've met and I haven't linked to you, please realize I have the attention span of a hummingbird suffering from meth psychosis. It's not intentional. I'm just scattered. Shoot me a message and remind me and I'll link to you.
posted by loquacious at 2:08 PM on June 17, 2009

donnagirl: done. Please order a bed large enough for about 20-30. I'll be home in time for dinner with the spouses.
posted by loquacious at 2:11 PM on June 17, 2009

I just got man-married to Brandon, who is indeed a handsome dude. Looking at all of his spouses, I can look forward to getting laid about twice a year.

That would be a step up for me.
posted by adipocere at 2:12 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Second Life? Sims? Eat dirt! Eat grey metatalk text-only dirt!

Can we have this line on the t-shirt?
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 2:14 PM on June 17, 2009

My RL ex-husband wants me back, so I must be an excellent wife. Just sayin'

But I only want new fresh internet spouses, not tarnished with all that bad mojo.
posted by readery at 2:16 PM on June 17, 2009

I FEEL GREAT. BABIES EVERYWHERE! YEAAAAAHHHRGH!

HIT ME.
posted by loquacious at 2:16 PM on June 17, 2009

Spouse is a funny word. It's almost like spaz.

Oooh, I have epilepsy. If you marry me, you get BOTH! It's a bargain!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:21 PM on June 17, 2009

Before I get too espoused, I'd like to know where suitors fall on pronunciation of potato and tomato.
posted by klangklangston at 2:22 PM on June 17, 2009

THE RIVERS OF WHISKEY WILL RUN RED WITH MY TRIUMPH!

Honey, please pass the salt.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:25 PM on June 17, 2009

Oh, this is getting complicated...

Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And everytime I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
posted by sambosambo at 2:28 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Honey, please pass the salt.

For that alone, I'm "marrying" BrandonB. May St. Alia's "God" have mercy on my (our?) soul(s).
posted by joe lisboa at 2:29 PM on June 17, 2009

GIVE ME BABIES.

OH GOD. BABIES EVERYWHERE. NOW.

Pretty ambitious for an 87-year-old, but good luck!
posted by Skot at 2:29 PM on June 17, 2009

where suitors fall on pronunciation of potato and tomato.

Taters.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:30 PM on June 17, 2009

grapefruitmoon: Spouse is a funny word. It's almost like spaz.

Oooh, I have epilepsy. If you marry me, you get BOTH! It's a bargain!

A marriage which starts off on shaky ground? No thanks.
posted by gman at 2:31 PM on June 17, 2009

All y'all should take a second to think about the poor MeFites who don't even have any contacts, let alone (fake Internet) spouses.

So lonely.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 2:31 PM on June 17, 2009

I can't follow this thread since it stopped being about me.

"HIT ME."

Done.

Can we stop at 666 comments?
posted by Eideteker at 2:32 PM on June 17, 2009

Naming your child Rusty is a great way to make sure that he works as a carnie.
posted by klangklangston at 2:37 PM on June 17, 2009

And thus the internet archaeologists of 2035 worked out that Metafilter was in fact a polygamy advocacy site.
posted by Electric Dragon at 2:37 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Can we stop at 666 comments?

How was your day, sweetie? Can I fix you a drink?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:38 PM on June 17, 2009

Dear AskMe:

The Mefite who I want to internet-enspousenate has not joined the spousening thread. What should I do?

desuetude
posted by desuetude at 2:38 PM on June 17, 2009

Bells will ring
The sun will shine
(whoa-whoa-whoa)
I'll be his and
He'll be mine
We'll love until
The end of time
And we'll never be lonely anymore

Because we're
Goin' to the chapel and we're
Gonna get married
Goin' to the chapel and we're
Gonna get married
Gee, I really love you and we're
Gonna get married
Goin' to the chapel of love
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:40 PM on June 17, 2009

Dear desuetude -

The best part of internet-enspousenation is that only one person has to want it. That's what started this thread in the first place!

Much love,
The Mefi Marrieds
posted by donnagirl at 2:43 PM on June 17, 2009

Eideteker needs to stop poking me with his rhythm stick until after we're married.
posted by loquacious at 2:43 PM on June 17, 2009

Foci, I'll be yours until death or my next bannination do us part.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:45 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Pretty ambitious for an 87-year-old, but good luck!

That's 87 years of experience talking to ya.
posted by katillathehun at 2:48 PM on June 17, 2009

Whoa, I just realized I errantly e-proposed to Blazecock instead of BrandonB. To whom should I proffer my e-nullment?
posted by joe lisboa at 2:49 PM on June 17, 2009

I spend my whole day at work in a hellhole that has no access to MetaTalk to support you ungrateful wrenches, and I come home to find I'm not even married??
posted by Phire at 2:50 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

1: Please marry me.

2: I would like an addition to the MeFi Navigator GreaseMonkey script that puts a little wedding ring icon next to the names of mefites I have married.
posted by subbes at 2:50 PM on June 17, 2009 [6 favorites]

Awyeah.

Got two e-spouses (and a microphone).
posted by katillathehun at 2:51 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

subbes, you're a genius, that's why I'm marrying you.
posted by donnagirl at 2:52 PM on June 17, 2009

Woohoo - I've been enspouselled twice, and it didn't sting a bit. Praise be to St. Alia, the age of Aquarius has finally dawned!

Shh now, lest Ralph gets wind of it...
posted by freya_lamb at 2:53 PM on June 17, 2009

I... just spent two hours reading this thread and clicking on usernames looking for people to marry. I... think I am even pickier on the internet than I am in real life?
posted by danny the boy at 2:53 PM on June 17, 2009

danny the boy, I've spoused you for being so darned choosy.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:56 PM on June 17, 2009

I'm here for you, Phire. Forever. In ASCII.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 2:57 PM on June 17, 2009

This thread makes me so happy. Thank you, SAotB!
posted by small_ruminant at 2:59 PM on June 17, 2009

Whoa, I just realized I errantly e-proposed to Blazecock instead of BrandonB. To whom should I proffer my e-nullment?

I don't see a ring on my finger.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:00 PM on June 17, 2009

Speaking as a metafilter monk, I am completely disgusted by this display of electronic promiscuity.

sniffle
posted by dilettante at 3:01 PM on June 17, 2009

I don't see a ring on my finger.

Look a little lower.
posted by JenMarie at 3:05 PM on June 17, 2009 [11 favorites]

Well. When I woke up this morning I did not expect to be a polygamist before the day's end. Thanks, MetaFilter!
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 3:05 PM on June 17, 2009

I just realized why I was never one of those girls who dreamed of my wedding day as a child.


There was no MeFi then.


There was no way to dream of this glorious day.


I am finally fulfilled as a woman, with the enspouseling I have experienced today.
posted by amelioration at 3:06 PM on June 17, 2009

THE SPOUSII IS ENTERNAL LOVE
THE SPOUSII IS ENTERNAL LOVE
THE SPOUSII IS ENTERNAL LOVE
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:08 PM on June 17, 2009

dilettante, if my college roommate's parents could leave the church (he was a priest, she was a nun) and get married and have him, I think we could lure you away into our e-hussy ways, no?
posted by bitter-girl.com at 3:09 PM on June 17, 2009

Look a little lower.

I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:09 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Dude, spouse me. I'll be your bitch.
posted by gman at 3:12 PM on June 17, 2009

"
where suitors fall on pronunciation of potato and tomato.

Taters."

LETS CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF
posted by klangklangston at 3:13 PM on June 17, 2009

Who's gonna get in the kitchen and make me a turkey pot pie?!
posted by deborah at 3:14 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'll be your bitch.

That's nice, dear. Are we taking the grandkids to the cottage this summer?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:15 PM on June 17, 2009

I have two new spouses! Sidhedevil and Brandon, with my body I thee worship.

(I always thought that was the most erotic part of the Anglican wedding service, and now I get to say it twice.)
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:15 PM on June 17, 2009

'Cause we already decided on this for dinner, Deborah.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 3:16 PM on June 17, 2009

gman - Sure, the espousement feels good now - in the narcotic charge of a special MeFi moment - but will he still love you in the harsh light of day? WILL HE?!

Fret not, I've bagged you, just in case.
posted by freya_lamb at 3:16 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

That's nice, dear. Are we taking the grandkids to the cottage this summer?

Please. What's first... back rub or blow job?
posted by gman at 3:17 PM on June 17, 2009

Wow, my last comment earned me two spouses! Pervs, the lot of you...
posted by JenMarie at 3:18 PM on June 17, 2009

I promise I will respect all of ya'll in the morning.

It might not last through the weekend, though.
posted by misha at 3:18 PM on June 17, 2009

Dude, spouse me. I'll be your bitch.
whee! I've always wanted a bitch
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:18 PM on June 17, 2009

I find the most erotic part of a woman is her spouses.
posted by minifigs at 3:19 PM on June 17, 2009

What's first... back rub or blow job?

We're married! You should already know what I like.

Start kneading those shoulders, pig.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:19 PM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

Someone to whom I am not married to has linked me in Contacts using the descriptor "Spouse." What recourse do I have?

And don't tell me to get a lawyer. This isn't AskMe.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:20 PM on June 17, 2009

Who's going to be the first to smash doughnut cake into cortex's face at the reception?
posted by subbes at 3:21 PM on June 17, 2009

Man, I'm dizzy. No more MeMatrimony thanks, I'm all spoused out for one night.

Does this thread consitute a new subsite yet?
posted by freya_lamb at 3:26 PM on June 17, 2009

We're married! You should already know what I like.

Look, I have like a dozen spouses. Although I aim to please, I can't remember who likes what in which order.
posted by gman at 3:31 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Look, I have like a dozen spouses.

Quit bitching or I'll trade you in for a younger and better looking Mefite.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:36 PM on June 17, 2009

I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's.


Blazecock, if we weren't already married, I'd have spoused you for that.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 3:38 PM on June 17, 2009

Where's Coldchef? A funeral director spouse would be awesome for when all the extra spouses start dying off.
posted by chiababe at 3:43 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

THANK YOU MY INTERNET WIVES I will tell mom I've done good at last
posted by danny the boy at 3:45 PM on June 17, 2009

You people have fucked up my contacts activity sidebar.

I want a divorce. You can have the kids.
posted by middleclasstool at 3:46 PM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

Quit bitching or I'll trade you in for a younger and better looking Mefite.

Are we fighting? Not in public, please.
posted by gman at 3:46 PM on June 17, 2009

All Aboard the MetaFilter Polygamy Bandwagon!!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:48 PM on June 17, 2009

I'd internet-marry Coldchef in a heartbeat (so to speak.)
posted by small_ruminant at 3:48 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

He's to die for!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:49 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

we could lure you away into our e-hussy ways, no?

Kinda medieval, that. Very traditional, really.
posted by dilettante at 3:50 PM on June 17, 2009

At first I felt sad that no one MeMarried me, but then I remembered that I've been censored ALL MY LIFE, and being MeRejected didn't seem so bad in comparison.

Someone...please...memarry me.
posted by Maisie at 3:51 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm not the marrying type, but I'll make grilled-cheese sandwiches for the lot of you.
posted by lekvar at 3:51 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Are we fighting? Not in public, please.

There you go again. I just can't take you anywhere.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:53 PM on June 17, 2009

OH MAN. I just thought of something.

Whose family are we all going to visit for Thanksgiving? Shit.












Oh, THAT'S RIGHT. My harem is moving with me to Italy, thanks to the magic passport-giving abilities of spouse-matteo. No more Thanksgiving family worries for us! SUCK IT, AMERICANS!!!!!!!!!!!

You should all get your shit together regarding national health care, too.
posted by scody at 3:53 PM on June 17, 2009

I'm working on having one of my spouses banned from Metafilter for the insurance money. Who wants in?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:54 PM on June 17, 2009

I'm not the marrying type, but I'll make grilled-cheese sandwiches for the lot of you.

SOLD.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 3:55 PM on June 17, 2009

The part when the honeymoon period ends on all of this is going to suck.

I mean let's just start with how much dividing the dishes up is going to suck, much less the insane network of alimony payments. I should have insisted on prenuptials.

NO THAT'S MY COFFEE CUP I SAW IT AT THE THRIFT STORE FIRST
posted by loquacious at 3:56 PM on June 17, 2009

"If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing or her conjugal rights." Exodus 21:10

Now, this is the traditional marriage I'm all about. Four wives and where's my concubines, oh Lord?
posted by rodgerd at 4:00 PM on June 17, 2009

I mean let's just start with how much dividing the dishes up is going to suck, much less the insane network of alimony payments. I should have insisted on prenuptials.

*Feature Only Available In Second Life*
posted by zarq at 4:08 PM on June 17, 2009

Ikea is going to be rammed with internet-newly-weds this weekend.
posted by minifigs at 4:09 PM on June 17, 2009

God damn it, which iWife set the Tivo to record every episode of Law & Order?

Hey, did you marry MY MOTHER? A joke's a joke, but that is just going too far.
posted by scody at 4:09 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Just to let everyone know, I registered at Williams-Sonoma. I've had my eye on this juice squeezer for a while now, so don't be stingy with your love.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:10 PM on June 17, 2009

Interesting that we can't click "kin" and "spouse"....



Time to put the Heinlein anthology down.
posted by zarq at 4:13 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I registered at http://www.themacallan.com/shop/.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:13 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I registered at http://www.themacallan.com/shop/.

Hello, new spouse!
posted by never used baby shoes at 4:19 PM on June 17, 2009

God damn it, which iWife set the Tivo to record every episode of Law & Order?

That damned show.

While my wife was pregnant, she would watch in bed at two, three, four, five in the morning. I swear, at any given hour of the night, some channel on cable is playing an episode of one of the many, many incarnations of L&O. I was woken up repeatedly by that damned "BONG BONG" sound every night.

Although, I DID finally figure out why Dick Wolfe uses it. It's the perfect sound to wake up all the elderly viewers who have nodded off during the commercials.

Fucker.
posted by zarq at 4:20 PM on June 17, 2009

I could really use some alone time.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:22 PM on June 17, 2009

Hey, did you marry MY MOTHER? A joke's a joke, but that is just going too far.

What? I like Law and Order. And your mom is cute. Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but it's worse than you think.

We've been secretly seeing each other for the last four months, and I'm not afraid to tell you it's been really hot and heavy. Almost every night we can get away we dim the lights and lounge around for hours on end in our sweats and PJs watching Law and Order, sometimes for 8, 10 hours at a time. Heck, I even have my own pillow and slippers over at her place.

Sometimes we even make popcorn.

*donk donk*
posted by loquacious at 4:24 PM on June 17, 2009

*spouses IRFH to get in on the scotch*
posted by EatTheWeek at 4:26 PM on June 17, 2009

bong bong? donk donk? It's totally DOINK DOINK.
posted by chiababe at 4:26 PM on June 17, 2009

It's CLANG-CLONG, you sick bastards.
posted by scody at 4:28 PM on June 17, 2009

Ikea is going to be rammed with internet-newly-weds this weekend.

I didn't know Ikea was naughty like that. Can we marry big big stores, too?

bong bong? donk donk? It's totally DOINK DOINK.

This is one of those research projects I would do if I could just figure out how to search for the citations.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:29 PM on June 17, 2009

> Does this make me a trophy wife? 'Cause if it does, I'm going to have to demand more spouses in compensation.
posted by elfgirl at 4:31 PM on June 17, 2009

Boston marriage = (co-resident + friend + spouse) ± sweetheart, but only mutually?
posted by carbide at 4:32 PM on June 17, 2009

I MISS ALL THE INTERNETS ORGIES.

What costume shall the poor girl ware ...to all the internets orgies?

pass the salt

Do you think this is what it's life to live with Brian Blessed?

Okay, listen up Spousii. I am now The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb. This is clearly unsustainable. For one thing, I don't have that kind of room in my apartment and the name-change forms would be a bitch, despite the rich emotional fullfillment of a Harem and Himrem. So I have a solution.

The Many Marrieds of The Whelk, in your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. If you wish to stay married to me, you must show your devotion by besting your sibling spousii in armed combat. Anyone left living will be mine. You have one hour starting ...NOW

Switches off lights, runs.
posted by The Whelk at 4:32 PM on June 17, 2009

In the meme referal system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the Internet Detectives, who have already long since cited the show's creators listing it as "DONK DONK," and me, who can't be arsed to look it up. These are our stories.

DONK DONK!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:33 PM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

I refuse to spouse anyone that would have me as a spouse.
posted by evilcolonel at 4:33 PM on June 17, 2009

Jessamyn is totally my trophy wife.
posted by elfgirl at 4:33 PM on June 17, 2009

bong bong? donk donk? It's totally DOINK DOINK.

I so resisted calling that out...

Anyway, it's "dunt dunt".

Are you people deaf?
posted by pompomtom at 4:34 PM on June 17, 2009

I didn't know Ikea was naughty like that. Can we marry big big stores, too?

[placeholder for BJ's joke]
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 4:35 PM on June 17, 2009

666 comments! No one mess it up!

Oh, shit!

*waits for the divorces to roll in*
posted by JoanArkham at 4:39 PM on June 17, 2009

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!!!!!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:41 PM on June 17, 2009 [12 favorites]

YES! Yes you mad romantic fool — I said yes!

Now kiss me like you have never kissed anyone before. Kiss me like my lips are the most succulent fruit of desire. Drink me in like the impossible ambrosia of Zeus. Hunger for me, Metafilter, as I hunger for you. Let us be a banquet of passion. Set me afire as you take me in your embrace. And we shall lay together entwined like serpents until the cool of damn falls from the stars on our naked shameless flesh. And I shall kiss the dew from your sweet eye lids my darling Metafilter.

YES!
posted by tkchrist at 4:44 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Okay, i have nine spouses now, but the original one who was the cause of this thread has despoused me...I suppose there is a moral to this story but darned if I can tell you what it is.

As soon as Ralph comes home we'll see if he likes the username suggestion...
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:44 PM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

Can we marry big big stores, too?

Only if the dowry is paid in Canadian Tire money.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:45 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

spouse I said spouse I will Spouse
posted by scody at 4:47 PM on June 17, 2009 [12 favorites]

I dunno, those brilliant people who used to run TWoP called it "CHUNG CHUNG", and if they're wrong then I don't know what's right.

Also, I would marry all of you but then I'd risk revealing my secret identity. I can trust all of you to keep quiet, right?
posted by ApathyGirl at 4:53 PM on June 17, 2009

The Whelk, I must now wed you for your VU reference of awesomeness.

You'd better not be a snorer.
posted by elizardbits at 4:55 PM on June 17, 2009

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!!!!!

Made us all very, very happy. Sore, tired, and dazed, but happy.

For this, I thee wed.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:55 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Espouse espousing!
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:56 PM on June 17, 2009

God damn it, which iWife set the Tivo to record every episode of Law & Order?

That damned show.

I have a theory that Law & Order isn't so much a show as it a living thing, a memeorganism if you will, the byproduct of an alien intelligence.

One second (Big inhale, bubbling sound. . . . . and exhale)

Okay so the suits and squares of the TV industry tinker with finding more foolproof formulas for successful shows. Eventually they hit the jackpot, an AI project that writes police dramas by incorporating the detailed "dark" Nelson Ratings for the last 40 years (what, you didn't think they just recorded who watched did you?) The result is the show Law& Order.

The "screenwriters" are just interns who correct and connect together the AI's generated scenes into episodes. It's a smash and they soon expand the AI to make casting decisions, run the basic scheduling and hiring, and even compose the music. E-mail just made the project easier and the people on the ground, the directors and actors and such, loved the "hands-off" nature of the higher-ups. Nothing worse than a producer on set, after all. You didn't even have to suck up to them or go to their parties.

The AI grew too big however and needed new algorithms and devices to generate more content. One can almost say it decided to grow. So you have the spin-offs, and the meta-spin-offs. Parts of the AI were sold to other shows, the Law & Order remained the complete possession of the AI. The AI grew bigger, more stable, more coherent and complex with each iteration. Once they got remote-controlled cameras, the AI was actually directing the show, making decisions based on thousands of hours of previously shot footage.

Watched closely enough, the various iterations of Law & Order reveal the AI's own mind, not just its processes but its biases and desires. Imagine watching the dreams of the comatose unfold before you. That is Law & Order, the subconscious of an emerging mind, using the material world as the means to an end, as a way to make things, to dream.

Pray it doesn't wake up.

*dong dong*
posted by The Whelk at 4:57 PM on June 17, 2009 [23 favorites]

Okay. Must step out. 1000's within sight. Keep at it MetaSpouses!
posted by EatTheWeek at 5:07 PM on June 17, 2009

Mawiage. Mawiage is wut bwings us togedder tuday. Mawiage, dat bwessed awangment, dat dweam wiffin a dweam... And wuv, twu wuv, will fowow you fowevva... So tweasure your wuv.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:09 PM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

*weeps single tear as Husband Weak is thrown over the side of the boat and devoured by ravenous puffins*
posted by The Whelk at 5:10 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: You know how sometimes you feel like even more of a bigger nerd than usual?
posted by jeoc at 5:12 PM on June 17, 2009

I do so hope Ralph pronounces his name Rafe. R-r-rrrafe!
posted by steef at 5:26 PM on June 17, 2009

So now I'm goin' back again,
I got to get to her somehow.
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now.

Some are mathematicians
Some are Brandon Blatcher's wives.
Don't know how it all got started,
I don't know what they're doin' with their lives.

But me, I'm still in the thread
Hopin' for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just favorited it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue.
posted by Sailormom at 5:32 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm *so* gonna spouse Ralph when he shows up.
posted by ersatzkat at 5:38 PM on June 17, 2009

No, I'm ok. I'll be right back. I'm just going out for some cigarettes.
posted by loquacious at 5:39 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

BP & IRFH - I'm onto you. You think enspousing means you get consumer durables for free! You want a new kitchen - and Metafilter to pay for it? I think not.

The only wedding gift you'll (and just you not your spouses) get is a nice dinner. Possibly of grilled cheese.
posted by nooneyouknow at 5:44 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

BE WOP A NINNY GRANAH
posted by Eideteker at 5:46 PM on June 17, 2009

Just to let everyone know, I registered at Williams-Sonoma. I've had my eye on this juice squeezer for a while now, so don't be stingy with your love.

If you espouseilfy me, you can borrow my citrus reamer. It's terribly naughty-looking.
posted by desuetude at 5:48 PM on June 17, 2009

Your citrus WHAT?!

*cowers in fear*
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:49 PM on June 17, 2009 [5 favorites]

I used to mark my close, real-life friends as "sweetheart," to give them extra distinction above the people I've only met once or twice. Then I got self-conscious about it and stopped. They probably never even noticed. :(
posted by roll truck roll at 5:55 PM on June 17, 2009

...and I somehow can't get the Looney Tunes characters out of my head..."mornin' Sam...", "mornin' Ralph".

ARRRRGHH! Hurry and GET HERE RALPH!
posted by ersatzkat at 5:58 PM on June 17, 2009

amazing how rude the people are in this site.

oh right but rudeness is all relative in me.ta because morality is subjective.
posted by peter_meta_kbd at 5:59 PM on June 17, 2009

Dude, you're supposed to get down on one knee first.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:02 PM on June 17, 2009

Dude, you're supposed to get down on one knee first.

Does that mean it's naked spanky sexy fun time now?
posted by loquacious at 6:08 PM on June 17, 2009

dear askme i feel like my husband might be seeing someone else i found chatlogs of him flirting on AOL with 97 other people what should i do and you know there's...
[[More Inside]]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:09 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

700!
posted by loquacious at 6:11 PM on June 17, 2009

my husband wouldn't mind if I had a few extra spouses. You know, for when he's out of town.
posted by pinky at 6:12 PM on June 17, 2009

Ambrosia Voyeur, please pick up the white courtesy phone.

Look, I know I'm a pale and misshapen freak but what the fuck? You didn't even ask what my safe word is.
posted by loquacious at 6:14 PM on June 17, 2009

My safe word is "I should have married my refrigerator when I had the chance"
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:18 PM on June 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

Just popping in to say I play a lawyer on the internets.

Just you know in case.
posted by gomichild at 6:24 PM on June 17, 2009

Wait,

jessamyn: "My safe word is "I should have married my refrigerator when I had the chance""

That's MY safeword! WTF?!!
[looking around] ....what?
posted by not_on_display at 6:24 PM on June 17, 2009 [4 favorites]

ONCE IN A WHILE I have one of those days at work where I, you know, have to actually WORK all day. I glanced at this thread at lunchtime, while choking down a PBJ (it was an abbreviated lunch-- we're BUSY, and yes, I feel lucky) when there were maybe 12 comments. Then I went back to WORK, AND I CEASELESSLY DID MY JOB.

You'd think one of you fucks would find that a spouse-worthy quality, no?
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:27 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

I want St. Alia of the Bunnies' husband's username to be Ralph St. Rabbits.

However, Walph St. Wabbits would be all wight, too.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 6:28 PM on June 17, 2009

I'll tell you what your safeword is when I'm damned good and ready.

Am I the only one having visions of Allen Ludden telling Betty White that the safeword is taters?
posted by scody at 6:30 PM on June 17, 2009

Someone to whom I am not RALPHed to has RALPHed me in RALPHs using the descriptor "RALPH." What RALPHcourse do I have?

Maybe for certain RALPHs (like RALPH) we could RALPH the RALPH RALPHed to RALPH??? I mean, my real-life RALPH is pretty RALPH but this is kinda....RALPH.

RALPH, RALPH, RALPH.
RALPH, RALPH, RALPH.
There's nothing you can RALPH that can't be RALPHed
Nothing you can RALPH that can't be RALPHed
Nothing you can RALPH but you can learn how to RALPH the RALPH
It's RALPHy
All you need is RALPH
All you need is RALPH
All you need is RALPH, RALPH
RALPH is all you need
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:30 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Real life wife wants to know when you fuckers are going to turn in your rent.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:35 PM on June 17, 2009

Oh, wow, someone anyone, please marry me, please hope me. I'm in an un-fun break-up, and I was this close to posting a long, convoluted, myopic, whiney, desperate AskMe that makes it crystal clear I don't want any sound advice at all, not really. Marrying a lot of people will really help my self-esteem. (Bonus: We get to celebrate our 10-year anniversary in just a couple of weeks. Think of all the profound disappointment we'll have bypassed ...We cut to the party!)
posted by thinkpiece at 6:40 PM on June 17, 2009

Real life wife wants to know when you fuckers are going to turn in your rent.

As soon as she fixes the goddamn garbage disposal.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:44 PM on June 17, 2009

Am I the only one having visions of Allen Ludden telling Betty White that the safeword is taters?

Yes.
posted by elfgirl at 6:45 PM on June 17, 2009

I'll just do this thing myself, then. Do you, The Whelk, Take this user to be your unl-awful e-spouse?

"Come my Husbands and Wives! We take to the Sea! We shall have bloody sport tonight and no ship will say they passed us without fear! For plunder and glory! Away!"

*the prelate turns and nods to the betrothed*

"Whitebreast of the dim sea. The Twining stresses, two by two. A hand plucking the harpstrings, merging their twining chords. Wavewhite wedded words shimmering on the dim tide.

I do."

*snif*
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:48 PM on June 17, 2009

Ha! I've somehow acquired two dude spouses. Now I suppose I have to become gay, which is like the gay population's worst nightmare. I'm going to be the worst gay dude ever. I've been wearing basically the same outfit for like 15 years, for one thing.
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:50 PM on June 17, 2009

Your citrus WHAT?!

*cowers in fear*

Shhhh, just relax. It's a very sexy reamer.
posted by desuetude at 6:52 PM on June 17, 2009

Interesting Devils Rancher. On my list of Desired Spousely Qualities, "hard working" and "eats PBJ for lunch" rated. Consider yourself spoused.
posted by jerseygirl at 6:54 PM on June 17, 2009

MetaTalk: Shhhh, just relax. It's a very sexy reamer.
posted by loquacious at 6:54 PM on June 17, 2009

SKATE OR DIE!
posted by loquacious at 6:55 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh, wow, someone anyone, please marry me, please hope me. I'm in an un-fun break-up, and I was this close to posting a long, convoluted, myopic, whiney, desperate AskMe that makes it crystal clear I don't want any sound advice at all, not really. Marrying a lot of people will really help my self-esteem.

Been there, and there was no Metafilter to run to in those days. I'm sure The Whelk won't mind -- he's got 30 other spouses, anyway. Right Whelky? (we're full-on into terms of endearment already)

Just imagine the comuppance your break-up-er will get when you tell him "I'm over you, asshole -- look. I've already married 13 people on Metafilter. Loser."

Hah!
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:57 PM on June 17, 2009

My safe word gets me in trouble all the time anyway because it's the full text of the Magna Carta in Latin. I don't even speak or read latin.
posted by loquacious at 7:00 PM on June 17, 2009

Am I the only one having visions of Allen Ludden telling Betty White that the safeword is taters?

With the advances in computer software, I'd say no.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:00 PM on June 17, 2009

Interesting Devils Rancher. On my list of Desired Spousely Qualities, "hard working" and "eats PBJ for lunch" rated. Consider yourself spoused.

Oh, dear -- this is getting confusing.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:01 PM on June 17, 2009

So I just checked back on my status, as I was pretty darn confident that I was a Mefi bachelor, but no: three spouses. I'm tickled pink!
posted by ob at 7:10 PM on June 17, 2009

I want more internet spouses. I'm single, I've got a nice gig at the library, and I like bicycles, beer, jazz and tattoos.
(Foci and I have an understanding.)
posted by box at 7:11 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

This is awesome. At this point, we can basically declare ourselves the Metafilter Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:15 PM on June 17, 2009

I hope we get monogrammed satin jackets that say "Spoused!" on the back.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:17 PM on June 17, 2009

Damn, I miss out on all the fun threads.
posted by blucevalo at 7:17 PM on June 17, 2009

Shhhh, just relax. It's a very sexy reamer.

*relaxes*

Well, if it's sexy, then how can I complain?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:17 PM on June 17, 2009

Go easy there–that's my wife. Also, take pictures.
posted by Mister_A at 7:34 PM on June 17, 2009

'S OK, loquacious, I knew you'd get around to marrying me eventually. For my cooking, no doubt, but that's fine - it's how I bagged my real-life husband. And I think dirtynumbangelboy is trying to score a cook to supplement his roommate the baker. (Now that we're married, can I move in with you guys? I want to share the pie and scones!) To the rest of my MeFi spouses, let me know when you'll be home for dinner.

> So lonely.

Littlest brussels sprout, I feel your pain and I'd e-spouse you except ... well, I can't stand Brussels sprouts. Y' know, a lot of people don't like 'em either - have you thought about changing your name to something like Cheez Whiz or Microwave Popcorn? Just trying to help.
posted by Quietgal at 7:35 PM on June 17, 2009

Well, Bunny, if you're looking for the moral to the story, it would seem that you got spoused (repeatedly) yet you didn't get kissed, so to speak. Hope Ralph's ok with that.
posted by effluvia at 7:54 PM on June 17, 2009

Ah, Enspoucellation - it's less ambiguous than the favourites system!


I got back from a hard day at work and was surprised to find that I've been spoused by both Brandon Blatcher and Foci for Analysis.

Thanks guys, I'm touched, I really am.

.
..
...

Now move your hands before I cut them off, you bloody perverts. :-)
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 8:02 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Obligatory
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 8:08 PM on June 17, 2009

Devils Rancher come to the fold! Join the ship! yes the shirts are itchy, we're working on that. Behold! The wide open Sea! The days of peace and the days of terribly exciting war! We need a new arrowman, EattheWeak got taken in by ...birds.

May our children be large and unruly!

Away!
posted by The Whelk at 8:20 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

MY SHIP IS A SHIP OF LOVE. LOVE MAKES OUR PLUNDER STRONGER.
posted by The Whelk at 8:25 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Richard Nixon: Hello Morbo. How's the family?
Morbo: Belligerent and numerous!
posted by DecemberBoy at 8:27 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Littlest brussels sprout, I feel your pain and I'd e-spouse you except ... well, I can't stand Brussels sprouts. Y' know, a lot of people don't like 'em either - have you thought about changing your name to something like Cheez Whiz or Microwave Popcorn? Just trying to help.

Sorry, but Mama Sprout always told me that I should never fake marry someone who didn't fake love me as I am.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 8:30 PM on June 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'll light the fire
You put burntflowers in the vase
That you bought today

our spouse, is a very very very fine spouse...
fifteen cats in the yard
life used to be so hard
Now everything is easy
'Cause of you
And our la,la,la, la,la, la, la, la, la, la, la.....
posted by lysdexic at 8:34 PM on June 17, 2009

I love butter on my brussel sprouts.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:46 PM on June 17, 2009

have you thought about changing your name to something like Cheez Whiz or Microwave Popcorn

I suspect they wanted their name to be food-related...
posted by pompomtom at 8:49 PM on June 17, 2009

for those who may not know, Devils Rancher also knows how to print t-shirts! total catch. :)

Brandon, Foci: can one of you put the laundry in the dryer?

::looks around::

ok, fine, I'll do it myself.

::pouts::
posted by epersonae at 8:49 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Metafilter Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints

The MFLDS? Sure! That won't be misinterpreted at all!
posted by zarq at 8:53 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

The littlest brussels sprouts are always the sweetest. :)
posted by zarq at 8:57 PM on June 17, 2009

You know what I can't believe? I can't believe that only just recently does "True Blood" become a TV show. Because I figure there's only a couple of billion people who are into vampires and fucking and bad acting.
posted by middleclasstool at 9:10 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

As an infrequent poster, but near-constant lurker, I'd like to take this opportunity to speak on behalf of my (mostly) silent, yet ever-watchful brethren.

At this very moment, while this thread rejoices with rice-throwing and open-bar-raiding and bridesmaid-hitting-on and all the myriad trappings of massively multiuser online polygamy, there are untold numbers of MeFites out there, alone, without any contacts, much less internet spouses. They sit in their chairs, or on their couches, alone in their underwear, their faces illuminated only by the flickering glow of their monitors, witnessing the joy of ASCII matrimony pass before their eyes, wishing they could participate and get internet hitched too.

Why don't they, you ask? Maybe they have crippling social anxiety. Maybe they were born without hands and cannot type, the poor handless bastards. Who knows? They're out there, internet-single and in pain. So when you go off on your iHoneymoons, please just take a moment, and remember them.

.
posted by maqsarian at 9:12 PM on June 17, 2009 [6 favorites]

I love butter on my brussel sprouts.

Slicked with olive oil and broiled.

Yowwwwwrrr!
posted by palliser at 9:13 PM on June 17, 2009

You know what I can't believe? I can't believe that only just recently does "True Blood" become a TV show.

Well, they did have "Dark Shadows". Less fucking, way more bad acting, but not far off.

I love "True Blood". Do not mess with mah Sookie.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:14 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

As a former, and I stress *former*, spouse I would like to know what contributions his multi-tudinous new ... alliances/marriages/affairs .... are prepared to make to *the Whelk*'s upkeep? Clearly, he needs an education, but I would prefer a daily maid, who will pick up the constant mess .... Oh, and yes, someone, preferably for the person, hard of hearing, who does not have to process the constant inane commentary. My first question to ask.metafilter will be "How do I stop a relationship a trois when one of the members is Mr. Metafilter?" His average of: (quote) "I have to check [the thread]" equates exactly with his need to "go to the bathroom". Is this a co-incidence? I sincerely thank you all for exposing. You are all invited to an extended (ex)-family Thanksgiving in New York. Many thanks for your money, no I insist, you are sending, but I must get back to my pipe organ. (And I never check metafilter when I have to pee.)
posted by Great Swell at 9:20 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Go on... spouse me (and my new Hollywood look).
posted by gman at 9:22 PM on June 17, 2009

OH SHIT! Everyone! Hide! There under the table and-oh!

Hi honey!

How are you? How was work? I didn't expect-oh I see well can I get you a drink? Wonderful, I just No! No! don't sit there, I'm ..cleaning it, just NO! not there just..stand. Let me get you that drink *gulp*
posted by The Whelk at 9:23 PM on June 17, 2009

Re: the Law & Order sound:

You're all wrong! According to Dick Wolf himself, it's 'ching ching'
posted by jedicus at 9:28 PM on June 17, 2009

The only wedding gift you'll (and just you not your spouses) get is a nice dinner. Possibly of grilled cheese.

If you wanted to get me a toaster we can melt together.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:30 PM on June 17, 2009

Bad news, spouses. Thunderstorms have left the basement ankle-deep in shit-water. I think I just saw Gollum down there. Anyway, see you all at 8 a.m. sharp. Wear your gaiters.
posted by palliser at 9:40 PM on June 17, 2009

I have spouses! I have spouses! *pause* I don't even know my spouses. This is silly. *pause* Anybody still need a spouse?
posted by scalefree at 9:41 PM on June 17, 2009

I can't stop! I CAN'T STOP ENSPOUCENATING PEOPLE!

And I'm not even a little sorry about it. This thread is filling me with a heady sense of happy recklessness. (And a weirdly focused desire to see it out to the bitter end...)
posted by Hellgirl at 9:54 PM on June 17, 2009

I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with long-term commitment with my spouse.

S'pouse you try it out for, say, a month. I think you'll be spoused with the results.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:57 PM on June 17, 2009

I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with long-term commitment with my spouse.

That's OK, I decided to adopt you instead. You're like the son I never had.
posted by scalefree at 10:04 PM on June 17, 2009

I just tried to explain this thread to someone from outside the MetaSpouse world. It's a difficult thing to do.
posted by Hellgirl at 10:08 PM on June 17, 2009

I used to be a sadistic, necrophiliac bestialist.

Ahem. We prefer 'bestialitron'.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:45 PM on June 17, 2009

*Throws rice, lots of rice.*
posted by peeedro at 11:11 PM on June 17, 2009

I just want my spouses to know I have certain needs. It may require you to be double jointed.
posted by tkchrist at 11:14 PM on June 17, 2009

*crawls out of a Puffin's stomach, crawls back onboard*

Hellgirl - I admire your reckless resolve. SPOUSED!
posted by EatTheWeek at 11:25 PM on June 17, 2009

Randy Spouse Git
posted by scody at 11:32 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

We're gonna need a bigger boat.
posted by Meatbomb at 11:33 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

keep rowing, ye poly lubbers!
posted by EatTheWeek at 11:45 PM on June 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Guys, I stepped away from the computer for a couple of hours (I know!), and I couldn't stop giggling about Alia's title for this thread. "He ain't Ralph." I don't know why, there's just this pithy genius to it. Thanks, Alia, for the giggle, and also for introducing me to the joys of cyberpolygamy!
posted by JenMarie at 12:01 AM on June 18, 2009

I only have two internet spouses at the moment and those are BB, who seems to be amassing quite the harem, and Hellgirl, whose enthusiasm could not be ignored. I've been tempted all day to wantonly spouse. This has been the most fun thread to read in a long while. It even made me smile a lot at work, and that's saying something.
posted by lilywing13 at 12:12 AM on June 18, 2009

Also, Hellgirl's askme answer history was the deciding factor for me, in addition to her enthusiasm. Despite how my real-life marriage history looks, I'm pretty picky.

My maternal grandfather's name was Ralph, but he generally went by a family nickname. The only time my grandmother called him Ralph was when she was angry at him. Other than that, the only time I have an association with the name is Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which St. Alia and her husband may not appreciate, but being associated with Terence Stamp can't be all bad, right? I mean, he was General Zod, etc.
posted by lilywing13 at 12:21 AM on June 18, 2009

Lily, I can no longer resist you. Consider yourself me-married to me! Like, yeah, you are.

ps. I got sort of proposal happy and nailed a bunch of y'all. Yes, I now have a harem! However, if I don't get any reciprocal love I might engage in mass divorce. I'm kinda petty like that.
posted by JenMarie at 12:42 AM on June 18, 2009

Hey, you awake?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:46 AM on June 18, 2009

Lilywing - Citing General Zod? SPOUSED!
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:51 AM on June 18, 2009

JenMarie, hooray! I have reciprocated our spousalhood. So please don't divorce me. It might make me sad.

BB, I'm awake. What do you want. Certainly not spousal privileges, I hope. ;)
posted by lilywing13 at 12:53 AM on June 18, 2009

I'm not all that surprised I have no spouses. I'm a terrible cook, I don't clean, I put my job ahead of everything, I don't earn much money and I'm lazy in bed.
posted by shelleycat at 1:19 AM on June 18, 2009

To shelleycat and all potential spouses, I'm a pretty good cook and I'm used to cooking for a pretty big crowd. Also, if I smoke various herbs, I'm extra domestic and tend to clean or do dishes. Massages of my bad back or tired feet are extra appreciated.
posted by lilywing13 at 1:25 AM on June 18, 2009

Also, if I smoke various herbs...

lilywing13, I think you are talking about marijuana. You are talking about smoking marijuana, aren't you?
posted by Meatbomb at 1:41 AM on June 18, 2009

Meatbomb, I'm about to spouse you, but I will not admit to illegal activities in the US for any spouse; I hope you understand.
posted by lilywing13 at 1:43 AM on June 18, 2009

If someone would marry me - that'd be really nice.

Mr Wyvern thinks we're all nuts and won't join me here.... :(
posted by She Kisses Wyverns at 3:11 AM on June 18, 2009

I went to bed drunk and woke up married. Again.
posted by thinkpiece at 3:41 AM on June 18, 2009 [4 favorites]

I'm not allowed to get married in 18 states, after what I did to those mashed potatoes during that party.
posted by inigo2 at 3:43 AM on June 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

Mr Wyvern thinks we're all nuts and won't join me here.... :(

No wonder you stray. Mr Wyvernslept slept through anatomy class.
posted by gman at 3:49 AM on June 18, 2009

Sorry I changed his name (or he really slept).
posted by gman at 3:54 AM on June 18, 2009

6:16 AM. *blinks*

Wasn't ONE of you spouses supposed to set the coffee maker? Whelkypoo? Joan Arkhamumsy?

Don't MAKE me type notes in Comic Sans! *stomps off to Home Depot for refrigerator schedule.*
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:21 AM on June 18, 2009

I'm not comfortable with this arrangement. Sloppy 72nds anyone?
posted by gman at 4:30 AM on June 18, 2009

What's our longboat record? Wasn't it one of the Palin threads last fall that reached 2,000+ posts? Because it would make my little heart happy if our memarry thread, the giant incestuous ball of debauchery that it is, sailed right past that.
posted by shiu mai baby at 4:30 AM on June 18, 2009

What's our longboat record? Wasn't it one of the Palin threads last fall that reached 2,000+ posts? Because it would make my little heart happy if our memarry thread, the giant incestuous ball of debauchery that it is, sailed right past that.

The coffee's kicking in, and I'm all up for a nice morning round of enspouselization.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:40 AM on June 18, 2009

Good luck with that. I think the thread in question had 5000+ comments.
*'Debbie Downer' spouse.
posted by gman at 4:51 AM on June 18, 2009

Metafilter: introducing me to the joys of cyberpolygamy
posted by namewithoutwords at 5:07 AM on June 18, 2009

The Palin thread went to 5555, so there's a ways to go.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:10 AM on June 18, 2009

We're not gonna beat the Palin thread without a significant uptick in ardor. That said, I think I'm going to go e-spouse some of the prominent MetaTalkites who haven't shown up in this thread yet, just for the added WTF? factor.
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:19 AM on June 18, 2009

Woo hoo!! I have three new spouses!!

And since one of them is BB, by the six-degrees-of-matrimony rule, I think I'm married to the whole freaking internet, going all the way back to Al and Tipper Gore.

I'll be gone all day, but just wanted to say good morning to my new webby-husbands-and-wives.
posted by marsha56 at 5:29 AM on June 18, 2009

DR, I'll make the coffee but I warn you: I like it like I like my men...very light and sweet and sometimes flavored. (This morning was coconut!)
posted by JoanArkham at 5:44 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I prefer either a long black coffee, or an espresso. I don't know what that says.

Hold the cream, though. Definitely.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:48 AM on June 18, 2009

Time to put the Heinlein anthology down.

Yeah. This thread is totally like the end of Time Enough for Love. Arrrgh! I'm a time-traveling space-faring polysexual multi-spoused immortal! Arrrgh!
posted by octobersurprise at 5:53 AM on June 18, 2009

Almost 800 comments. I'm convinced we'll hit a thousand before this marriage progresses to the anal sex stage.
posted by middleclasstool at 6:16 AM on June 18, 2009

DR, I'll make the coffee but I warn you: I like it like I like my men...very light and sweet and sometimes flavored.

I like my coffee like I like my wimmin -- dark and tepid. We'll get along fine -- I'm pretty light & sweet, and I think I've got an old expired tube of coconut suntan lotion around here, somewhere.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:16 AM on June 18, 2009

Yeah. This thread is totally like the end of Time Enough for Love.

I was really hoping for something more like the previously expurgated sections of Stranger in a Strange Land, myself.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:18 AM on June 18, 2009

before this marriage progresses to the anal sex stage.

Oh, seems I've been doing it wrong.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:20 AM on June 18, 2009

Wow - you now have like 10 "spouses". This gives me an idea.

Everyone - Listen to me carefully...

Someone to whom does not owe me money to has SENT ME A LOT OF MONEY. What recourse do I have?
posted by seanyboy at 6:21 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

IF YOU DON'T FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO TEN OF YOUR SPOUSES IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, YOU WILL SUFFER MISFORTUNE AND BE PLACED ON COFFEE DUTY INDEFINITELY.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:25 AM on June 18, 2009

before this marriage progresses to the anal sex stage.

I take it you've never met me...
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:28 AM on June 18, 2009

Mr Esteemed seanyboy,

I have especially select you from over ONE MILLION internet users as a potential Partner in a mutual benficial Transaction.

Please email me shortly with detail of bank account number and all passwords. Following your prompt response, I (son-in-law of CHIEF MODERATOR VACAPINTA of MetaFliter) will arrange for transfer of 25% of cabal spouses to your esteemed self.

I look forward to reply from your Noble Self.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:29 AM on June 18, 2009

I'm gonna say this once - UbuRoivas will not use condoms. You've been warned.
posted by gman at 6:29 AM on June 18, 2009

Damn, I forgot just how long of a longboat the Palin thread was. That sucker was pretty epic.

As for coffee: black as night and sweet as sin, if you please.


Actually, that's a complete lie. I like it to taste like coffee ice cream, but I always thought ordering it black as night and sweet as sin is a thousand times cooler. Something that should be done whilst smoking a cigarette in a long lacquered cigarette holder, natch.
posted by shiu mai baby at 6:29 AM on June 18, 2009

Hey, you awake?

*Am actually awake but not in the mood, so will pretend to be asleep, as evidenced by a cranky grunt and frowning (while never opening my eyes), because that is what someone who was really asleep would do, probably.*
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:30 AM on June 18, 2009

UbuRoivas will not use condoms.

that's because they haven't invented the condom yet that can take on the job. *WOOAHFF*
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:32 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Yeah, he claims 'they don't fit'... and I imagine they wouldn't, but not for the reason he thinks.
posted by gman at 6:36 AM on June 18, 2009

Espresso Love's alright.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:36 AM on June 18, 2009

gman: did you direct me to the elephant pharmacy, you bastard? i totally specified whale, WHALE!
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:40 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I love butter on my brussel sprouts.

Slicked with olive oil and broiled.

Butter? Ok. But broiled? Don't make me call the women's shelter, y'all.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:48 AM on June 18, 2009

Good morning, my 9 beloved spouses! The coffee's been made, would any of you like a cup? I'm so happy I'm married to each and every one of you. XOXOXOXOX
posted by Maisie at 6:48 AM on June 18, 2009

Good morning, spouses! Oh, we're doing coffee analogies? I like my coffee black, strong, and sweet.
posted by desuetude at 6:48 AM on June 18, 2009

Slicked with olive oil and broiled.

Butter? Ok. But broiled?

But what about slicked with olive oil?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:54 AM on June 18, 2009

At last count I had 4 spouses (thank you, those who espoused me!). This is great!
posted by blucevalo at 6:55 AM on June 18, 2009

Wow, it's still in effect. I reckon there's a way to go before we hit peak limerence... Happy afternoon, spouses mine!
posted by freya_lamb at 6:56 AM on June 18, 2009

But what about slicked with olive oil?

....Only if I'm not responsible for cleaning/replacing the sheets. Have you ever gotten olive oil on fabric? What a nightmare.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:58 AM on June 18, 2009

Oh! Coffee?

COVERED IN BEES
posted by subbes at 7:00 AM on June 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

Bees Schmees.

FEEL THE LOVE!
posted by freya_lamb at 7:03 AM on June 18, 2009

Good morning, spouses!
posted by desuetude at 8:48 AM

Time for you to spouse-up there, ma'am.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:06 AM on June 18, 2009

I woke up this morning having been not only multiply-spoused, but also Me-mailed. It's like finding a little bundle of metafiltery joy on my doorstep.
posted by marginaliana at 7:08 AM on June 18, 2009

desuetude: Oh, we're doing coffee analogies?

I like my spouses like I like my coffee... in a plastic cup.
posted by marginaliana at 7:09 AM on June 18, 2009

It is 3PM here in London and time for tea. Scones with jam and clotted cream for my splendid spouses.
posted by Pallas Athena at 7:10 AM on June 18, 2009

Time for you to spouse-up there, ma'am.

I've been enspousenated. As for the spousing, well, I'm a little commitment-shy. (Also, still reviewing applications.)
posted by desuetude at 7:11 AM on June 18, 2009

Morning, dears. I like my coffee black and my morning news in a dying format, please. A paper or a telegraph machine will do nicely, thank you.
posted by EatTheWeek at 7:12 AM on June 18, 2009

Okay GMT spouses, who wants afternoon tea? I have biscuits, your favorite kind and everything.
posted by minifigs at 7:19 AM on June 18, 2009

I like my spouses like I like my coffee: bitter and cold.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 7:20 AM on June 18, 2009

EatTheWeak: How about HD-DVD?
posted by DWRoelands at 7:26 AM on June 18, 2009

I like my spouses like I like my coffee: Icy, naturally sweet and with a straw.

I don't know what that means.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:33 AM on June 18, 2009

Woke up to more spouses this morning. And to think my mom said I'd never find anyone.
posted by sephira at 7:35 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wow. Married to the Meme. The rainbow at last comes full circle. Perhaps a separate site, EorgE, the eharmony for alternatives. Poor pony. The ultimate meatup. Completely corrupted by those espousing marriage.
posted by effluvia at 7:37 AM on June 18, 2009

DWRoelands - oh, snap!
posted by EatTheWeek at 7:39 AM on June 18, 2009

Marrying people is pretty cool. But going to bed and waking up to spouses is awesome. Woo hoo!
posted by nooneyouknow at 7:40 AM on June 18, 2009

But going to bed and waking up to spouses is awesome.

Like every bad romantic comedy involving Las Vegas.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:44 AM on June 18, 2009

Excellent; I have just acquired several more spouses. Would one of you find out where the terrifying odor of cat piss in the living room is coming from and fix it? Please?
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:45 AM on June 18, 2009

What happens on Metafilter stays on Metafilter.
posted by zarq at 7:46 AM on June 18, 2009

I read this thread late last night, after a long crappy day. And it made me smile. And then I dreamed about a Viking wedding reception, where everyone was dressed in Viking wedding attire and carrying half-eaten giant turkey legs, but had no recognizable facial features. And it was, you know, not really that different from my own RL wedding reception.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 7:50 AM on June 18, 2009

I read this thread late last night, after a long crappy day. And it made me smile. And then I dreamed about a Viking wedding reception, where everyone was dressed in Viking wedding attire and carrying half-eaten giant turkey legs, but had no recognizable facial features. And it was, you know, not really that different from my own RL wedding reception.

And we come full circle: Ralph also dreamt he was a viking. Or did he?
posted by sephira at 7:55 AM on June 18, 2009

Good morning, spouses. I'm drinking lukewarm coffee and watching Brazil v. USA in the Confederations Cup. It's going pretty much as one would expect.
posted by JenMarie at 7:58 AM on June 18, 2009

Dammit, sephira, I don't have time to reread that whole viking thread today! (But it's so damn hysterical!)
posted by marginaliana at 8:02 AM on June 18, 2009

I love eetsy brussels sprouts. So I married one.
posted by zennie at 8:08 AM on June 18, 2009

Cool, I hadn't seen that Viking thread before. I like the "nerdfight" tag. Not quite good as Nerd Thunderdome, though.
posted by JenMarie at 8:10 AM on June 18, 2009

*Hands Devils Rancher a mug*

This mug represents the only known portal to the Elemental Coffee Plane, the pocket of the universe containing the most pure platonic form of coffee ..of which all other coffee are mere shadows of. It will never empty.

Enjoy, but be warned. This is ultimate coffee, so strong and flavorful and powerful that you must sip it. Slowly. Don't do what Meatbomb did when I gave him the day-pass to the Floating Vapor World Of Bong. I mean, he's alive and ...happy I guess, if you can call that living.


Also, I like my coffee like I like my men, pale and bitter.
posted by The Whelk at 8:19 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh and My Lovely Spouses, just a heads up, here is what you can expect our life together to be like.
posted by The Whelk at 8:24 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Nice to come back and see I had been well and truly spoused.

I love my five me-spouses very much.


Now if one of you could bring me some chocolate?
posted by She Kisses Wyverns at 8:24 AM on June 18, 2009

Last night I had the strangest dream....

what's all this then?

yeah I just woke up... so?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:24 AM on June 18, 2009

How can you be sure you're awake?
posted by The Whelk at 8:29 AM on June 18, 2009

No vikings.
posted by zennie at 8:36 AM on June 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

I tried to explain this all to the (first) Mr. Arkham and asked him if he would be angry if he signed on to a website and found out that someone else had claimed me as a "spouse".

He just sort of looked at me like I'd asked him for a lightly grilled weasel on a bun, shook his head, and muttered "you crazy Metafilter kids"...
posted by JoanArkham at 8:39 AM on June 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

Four-Eyed Girl, you are internet-single no longer! I too am a girl in glasses who used to work in a library...and has um, five cats. Comic books are take 'em or leave 'em, tho. :) Also, we have the same birthday! (And I used to work at a community college.)

Perhaps I am doing it wrong...do we need a category for doppelganger?
posted by epersonae at 12:44 PM on June 17 [+] [!]

That's creepy. A category for doppelganger is definitely called for in this situation. Are doppelgangers allowed to marry in the U.S.? I don't think that's legal yet.

I can't believe a day passes, and I suddenly have eleven spouses. How is a teacher's salary supposed to support that many people? You all can't just stay home and watch TV and clean. That's right. You're going to have to get jobs. Someone's going to have to help me put pizza on the table every night!
posted by Four-Eyed Girl at 8:39 AM on June 18, 2009

Morning Spouses! I'm really sorry I didn't have time to cleanup the cat puke in the hall (or in the bathroom, or the office) but if you could clean that up before I get home I will gladly make dinner (pizza) when I get off work. THANKS!
posted by Big_B at 8:40 AM on June 18, 2009

I wish I had a harem!
posted by WalterMitty at 8:40 AM on June 18, 2009

Okay, which of you spouses drank all the coffee but didn't make a new pot? Bad spouses! Bad!
posted by rtha at 8:43 AM on June 18, 2009

mygothlaundry, I have espoused you even with the mysterious cat-piss odor. That's how you know it's true love.
posted by Pallas Athena at 8:45 AM on June 18, 2009

All this talk of coffee is getting me hot.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:46 AM on June 18, 2009

^{^}jessamyn: "yeah I just woke up... so?"

So! Coffee?
posted by not_on_display at 8:46 AM on June 18, 2009

Hello lovely spouses, new and slightly-less new! I awoke to find my late-night enthusiasm for this espousal business a bit tempered by the cold, hard, light of day (and also by being reminded of just how long that Palin thread was).

I thought I'd cheer myself up by seeking out various and random "Ralphs" on the internets, and look what I found:

Ralph on being "sensitive" in romantic relationships.

In my head, this is the eponymous Ralph of this thread.

Enthusiasm fully restored!! I'm Tresvant-dancing my newlywed love for you all! (I'm being careful to dance around the cat puke, though...)
posted by Hellgirl at 8:47 AM on June 18, 2009

*Hands Devils Rancher a mug*

This mug represents the only known portal to the Elemental Coffee Plane, the pocket of the universe containing the most pure platonic form of coffee ..of which all other coffee are mere shadows of. It will never empty.

*accepts, knowingly*

I scouted around a bit for a new home--

"Coffin?- Spouter?- Rather ominous in that particular connexion, thought I. But it is a common name in Nantucket, they say, and I suppose this Peter here is an emigrant from there. As the light looked so dim, and the place, for the time, looked quiet enough, and the dilapidated little wooden house itself looked as if it might have been carted here from the ruins of some burnt district, and as the swinging sign had a poverty-stricken sort of creak to it, I thought that here was the very spot for cheap lodgings, and the best of pea coffee."

Oohh, looks like a cuuute little fixer-upper. Great place to start a family!
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:56 AM on June 18, 2009

All this talk of coffee is getting me hot.

Not now, we have a headache.
posted by JenMarie at 8:57 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

We'll thanks this over back at the Compound.


C'mon, there has to be at least one.
posted by The Whelk at 8:58 AM on June 18, 2009

Think it over. Thanksing is a private matter.


Also, as of this morning I am The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb-Bits-Readery-Subbes-Apathy-Rancher-Girl-Symmetry-Marsha-Wiess.
posted by The Whelk at 9:06 AM on June 18, 2009

This thread is long, so I skipped a lot of it.

Did we figure out who was dumbest dummy out of St Alia and her husband?
posted by Sys Rq at 9:06 AM on June 18, 2009

My (first) wife's coming back from a trip tonight. I'm not sure how she'll react when I tell her she's now part of the MeFi Big Love^TM community.
posted by lukemeister at 9:08 AM on June 18, 2009

I've put a down payment on a nice little valley fortress in the North Cascades. We can convert a couple of the barracks to nurseries and plant crops off to the side on the rifle range. I'll have to double-check with my Realtor, but I think we'll have all the equipment we need to make all our Kool-Aid onsite.
posted by EatTheWeek at 9:11 AM on June 18, 2009

So, uh... who gets their lanterns lighted tonight?
posted by katillathehun at 9:17 AM on June 18, 2009

Did we figure out who was dumbest dummy out of St Alia and her husband?

Look, if you're going to pull an Eideterk, you can get the hell off the compound.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:18 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh and My Lovely Spouses, just a heads up, here is what you can expect our life together to be like.
posted by The Whelk at 11:24 AM on June 18 [+] [!]

The Whelk, I hope you don't mind, but I me-married you after clicking the link you provided.

As a side note, when I told Mr. Maisie about this thread last night, he thought it was hysterical. This thread has had me smiling and laughing all day.
posted by Maisie at 9:18 AM on June 18, 2009

good lord
posted by bwanabetty at 9:20 AM on June 18, 2009

Maisie: no problem! I'll just ...append to the name. And there. I like people who like heavy drinking AND online comic t-shirts.

I was also wearing an American Flag cape. I can't quite remember why.
posted by The Whelk at 9:23 AM on June 18, 2009

Also, as of this morning I am The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb-Bits-Readery-Subbes-Apathy-Rancher-Girl-Symmetry-Marsha-Wiess.

-jerseygirl.

Yeah I slept on it and decided, "Sure, why not?"

Please pick up a your new hyphenalicious spouse nametag at the Compound concierge desk please.
posted by jerseygirl at 9:24 AM on June 18, 2009

I was also wearing an American Flag cape. I can't quite remember why.

Maybe you put it on to dress up for our wedding?
posted by Maisie at 9:25 AM on June 18, 2009

I also skipped almost all of it, but I have to know: is she the Bunny Lady of Oregon?
posted by pracowity at 9:25 AM on June 18, 2009

I also skipped almost all of it, but I have to know: is she the Bunny Lady of Oregon?

You'll have to marry us all before we spill the beans. We're family, you know.
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:30 AM on June 18, 2009

MR EDWARDS

Myfanwy Price!

MISS PRICE

Mr Mog Edwards!

MR EDWARDS

I am a draper mad with love. I love you more than all the
flannelette and calico, candlewick, dimity, crash and merino,
tussore, cretonne, crepon, muslin, poplin, ticking and twill
in the whole Cloth Hall of the world. I have come to take
you away to my Emporium on the hill, where the change hums
on wires. Throw away your little bedsocks and your Welsh
wool knitted jacket, I will warm the sheets like an electric
toaster, I will lie by your side like the Sunday roast.

MISS PRICE

I will knit you a wallet of forget-me-not blue, for the
money, to be comfy. I will warm your heart by the fire so
that you can slip it in under your vest when the shop is
closed.

MR EDWARDS

Myfanwy, Myfanwy, before the mice gnaw at your bottom drawer
will you say

MISS PRICE

Yes, Mog, yes, Mog, yes, yes, yes.

MR EDWARDS

And all the bells of the tills of the town shall ring for
our wedding.

[Noise of money-tills and chapel bells]


*Sob!*
posted by Jofus at 9:30 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I just want to stress that it's quite obvious I'm not racist or a homophobe, since I have a black friend I'm fake internet married to a black guy.
posted by graventy at 9:34 AM on June 18, 2009

Somebody seems to be working on marrying everybody. Not that I'm jealous.
posted by fish tick at 9:38 AM on June 18, 2009

Look, I'll marry you all, but I'm keeping my maiden name goddammit.
posted by little e at 9:46 AM on June 18, 2009

You know what this thread needs?

Limericks.
posted by marginaliana at 9:47 AM on June 18, 2009

Pro-tip: Don't buy the generic Indian-made Viagra.
*sorry if I disappointed a bunch of you last night
posted by gman at 9:50 AM on June 18, 2009

I know how to make Viagra candy. (not a joke)
posted by little e at 9:51 AM on June 18, 2009

Pro-tip: Don't buy the generic Indian-made Viagra.

Exactly.

*finishes cigarette. crosses name off list. Turns on a lamp outside the door*


NEXT!
posted by The Whelk at 9:52 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

There once was a saint of the bunnies,
Who complained about being labeled everyone's honey.
So she took it to Metatalk,
And all 90,000 members balked.
And the thread was really quite funny.
posted by Maisie at 9:54 AM on June 18, 2009 [6 favorites]

There once was a thread with no limmericks
And everyone was perfectly happy with that.

On preview: No, really. No limmericks. Most people don't get the meter right, and as a result, it's a tedious exercise.
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:56 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I know how to make Viagra candy. (not a joke)
posted by little e

I know I partied with you last night cause my serotonin is paying for it today.
posted by gman at 9:58 AM on June 18, 2009

^{^}The Whelk: "NEXT!"

Uhh hi, I'm here to sign up for an adventure. My name is Smoke-Too-Much, Mr. Smoke-Too-Much.
posted by not_on_display at 9:58 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

here to sign up for an adventure.


Adventuerous are we? Well well well.


I'll get the octopus.
posted by The Whelk at 10:01 AM on June 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

Adventuerous are we? Well well well.
I'll get the octopus.

Hmm, those might be marryin' words.
posted by desuetude at 10:08 AM on June 18, 2009

I was holding out on internet marrying The Whelk then Bam! Dresden Codak t-shirt! it's like oysters to me.
posted by minifigs at 10:12 AM on June 18, 2009

I will forgive the rampant misuse of the term "longboat" to mean "long thread" if you would all just stop eating the effin plums.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:28 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hmm, those might be marryin' words.

I am using that line the next time I need bluff my way out of a fight.
posted by generichuman at 10:33 AM on June 18, 2009

This is Just to Say

I have longboated
the thread
that was a
serious discussion

and which
you were probably
saving
for a flameout

Forgive me
it was contentious
so snarky
and so cold
posted by Rock Steady at 10:41 AM on June 18, 2009 [4 favorites]

In MetaTalk one Tuesday late in June,
Mrs. Alia of the Bunnies said,
"My pure fidelity ye may impugn
By checking off yon box marking us wed,"
As would nineteen by Thursday afternoon!
Now, what on earth was going through her head,
As she complained to ev'ry armèd goon
Of open'd veins, when yet she barely bled?
Divorce proceedings shall commenceth soon,
And surely Keith will find himself well fed,
His Honour handing husband all the boon;
The Hagiography, Vols. Bee through Zed,
However, are awarded to the loon,
Who should have thought before she posteded.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:41 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

894th!
posted by not_on_display at 10:47 AM on June 18, 2009

179th division of 5!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:51 AM on June 18, 2009

In a Metatalk thread one day
A Saint stopped by to say,
"See, here's the thing:
I can only wear one ring."
And so we all bowed down to pray.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:52 AM on June 18, 2009

Just don't click on goatspou.se. You've been warned.
posted by The Bellman at 11:02 AM on June 18, 2009

Oh, hey, I noticed I just made a goof
Regarding Mr. Saint Alia's name.
Apparently, it's Ralph, not Keith, so... oof.
But whatever; they sorta look the same.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:06 AM on June 18, 2009

There once was an Internet site
That feigned the connubial rite
The outcome of this
Was e-wedded bliss
And a virtual honeymoon night.

The reception? A plateful of beans.
(Insiders will know what this means.)
But you and your squeezes
Must work out if grilled cheeses
Are in order. Or any such scenes.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:09 AM on June 18, 2009 [9 favorites]

Metafilter,




32;32;32;32;32;32;32;32; 'xxxxxxxx'
\\****//
\\***//
_~'^ ^'~_
." 32;32; ".
// \\
:* *:
:* *:
\\ //
'", ,"'
^~.._..~^
posted by wretched_rhapsody at 11:10 AM on June 18, 2009

Oops. Metafilter, that was supposed to be an elegant marriage proposal with a beautiful diamond ring. Instead, the ring got run over by a truck, and now you will never marry me *sniffle*.
posted by wretched_rhapsody at 11:13 AM on June 18, 2009

I thought it was a dead possum, in which case my answer would've been a resounding YES!
posted by katillathehun at 11:18 AM on June 18, 2009

Argh... coffee... coffee... *stumbles in to kitchen* coffee... ARRGH WHATTHEFUCKINGSHIT there's 50 people in my kitchen and no coffee arrgh!!!
posted by loquacious at 11:22 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Uhh hi, I'm here to sign up for an adventure. My name is Smoke-Too-Much, Mr. Smoke-Too-Much.

Wait, wait, wait. It quite clearly says Throat Warbler Mangrove on this here marriage certificate. Hell, it's only 1:20 PM, and I obviously have no idea of who-all I've married today.

Package tour?
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:23 AM on June 18, 2009

I will forgive the rampant misuse of the term "longboat" to mean "long thread" if you would all just stop eating the effin plums.

Nice try, but The Whelk and I are already married to the sea.

Oh, what the hell -- there's room for you on his boat.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:30 AM on June 18, 2009

My next band is so gonna be called Pileon-Weak-Tron
posted by jtron at 11:32 AM on June 18, 2009

this one's going out to everyone who's been lucky in spousing, and everyone who's still trying:

won't you add me as a contact, add me as a contact baby?
I'm gonna add you as a contact, add you as a contact tonight
we all clicked into this thread for one special lady
then we turned round and spoused everybody in sight
so add me as a contact, add me as a contact, honey
I'm gonna add you as a contact, add you as a contact, too
your summer evening comments are just so funny
baby, favorites alone just ain't good enough for you

everybody now!

ooh, add me as a contact (spouse me as a contact)
add you as a contact (spouse you as contact)
so many spouses (need so many houses)
messing up my sidebar (spouses in my sidebar)
married in a longboat (gonna row a longboat)
gotta print some t-shirts (sell a lotta t-shirts)
spouse me as a contact (spouse you as a contact)
spouse you-hooo-oooooo-ooo-hooo aaaaaaas a coh-honn-taaact ....
posted by EatTheWeek at 11:33 AM on June 18, 2009

Mr. Chips and the Weak Sauce.
posted by loquacious at 11:38 AM on June 18, 2009

*sips coffee*
posted by loquacious at 11:39 AM on June 18, 2009

I recommend the Joe Vs. The Volcano approach to marriage:

Waponi Chief (Abe freakin' Vigoda): Do you want to marry him?
Patricia: Yes.
Waponi Chief: Do you want to marry her?
Joe Banks: Yes.
Waponi Chief: Good. You're married.
Joe Banks: [shaking the Chief's hand] Thank you, Chief.
Patricia: Thank you, Chief.
Waponi Chief: I'm going now.

I've been trying to catch up on this thread for days now and between reading and favoriting and spousing everyone... I just don't know how to keep up.

We should call Abe Vigoda. He'll know what to do.
posted by MrVisible at 11:40 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Dear Metafilter,

Let's try that again, shall we? Expert Mefite jeweler Pronoiac kindly helped me fix the engagement ring (and my lack of knowledge about ascii art, which would have made me wholly unworthy of your hand).

*gets down on one knee*

     :xxxxxxx:
      \\***//
       \\*//
     _~'^^^'~_
   ."         ".
  //           \\
 :*             *:
 :*             *:
  \\           //
   :,         ,:
     ^~.._..~^
         

Will you marry me now?

(dead possums also available)
posted by wretched_rhapsody at 11:42 AM on June 18, 2009 [9 favorites]

I recommend the Spaceballs approach to marriage.

Do you?
Yes.
Do you?
Yes.
Good, you're married; kiss her.
posted by marginaliana at 11:43 AM on June 18, 2009

Hmm, those might be marryin' words.

Those are marryin' words.
posted by nooneyouknow at 11:45 AM on June 18, 2009

Let's try that again, shall we?

"Have you... The Wing?"
"Man and Wife! Say Man and Wife!"
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:48 AM on June 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

wretched_rhapsody, I will internet marry anyone who posts ASCII art, indecipherable or not. Consider yourself enspousenated.
posted by maqsarian at 11:50 AM on June 18, 2009

All of my new spouses are male, and one is a thirteen year old boy. I'm not exactly sure what this means, or if it's a sign, but maybe I should skip participation in the next few gay marriage threads. Just to even things out.
posted by adipocere at 11:56 AM on June 18, 2009

They call me St. Alia
of the fuzzy critters
And I hang out here
on the Metafilters
I'm harmless and fluffy
but I got a big mouf'
and my only real spouse is a guy named Ralph

I started this thread
I have to admit
And the mods promptly lost
most control of it
But my buds are all good
at overthinking the beans
and the jokes keep flying
'long with honeymoon scenes

So the moral of the story
According to the Bunny
Is all IS well that ENDS well
-as long as it's funny.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:56 AM on June 18, 2009 [10 favorites]

I received my 666th favorite today, given to me by Reverend John, in a thread started by a Saint
posted by jtron at 11:58 AM on June 18, 2009 [5 favorites]

Irony isn't dead. It's just gotten married and is quite busy with the family these days.

*petitions XFN for an "ironic spouse" designation. One which is hopefully not mutually exclusive with "sibling" or whatever else you sick fucks want to put*
posted by Eideteker at 11:59 AM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Does this mean the meet-ups are going to me more awkward, or less awkward?
posted by Midnight Skulker at 12:04 PM on June 18, 2009

And the mods promptly lost
most control of it

Are you kidding? This was my plan all along.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:06 PM on June 18, 2009 [4 favorites]

You have all been spoused. All 260-something of you.

You're welcome.
posted by toomuchpete at 12:07 PM on June 18, 2009 [10 favorites]

You aren't kidding.
posted by flatluigi at 12:09 PM on June 18, 2009

Too much, Pete!
posted by dirtdirt at 12:12 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Suddenly, MetaFilter is 10 takes on a whole new meaning.
posted by effluvia at 12:12 PM on June 18, 2009

You have all been spoused. All 260-something of you.

This is so awesomely pointless that it actually becomes sort of inspiring.
posted by Skot at 12:20 PM on June 18, 2009 [4 favorites]

this thread has cheered me up a bit ... so thanks!
posted by Julnyes at 12:24 PM on June 18, 2009

Hi spouses, I just got up. (I always sleep late, hope you don't mind) is there any coffee left? I don't mind if you microwave it. Just make sure that there's a shot of Jameson in it, ok?
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:24 PM on June 18, 2009

At this point I'll bet every Mefite is 6 degrees or fewer from being internet married to Kevin Bacon.
posted by Maisie at 12:25 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Fifteen! Fifteen spouses! Ha Ha Ha Ha /the count

Thanks, Metafilter!

(Uh, spouses? Where's my coffee?)
posted by Space Kitty at 12:25 PM on June 18, 2009

You have all been spoused. All 260-something of you.

Must Spouse Faster.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:27 PM on June 18, 2009

OMG. I'm sooo married.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:33 PM on June 18, 2009

B Blatcher
buh-B Blatcher
Spouse Faster!
[wed-iddy wed weddy wed-iddy-iddy wed]
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:35 PM on June 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

Faster, Blatcher! Spouse! Spouse!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:40 PM on June 18, 2009

I'm married to Anonymous. We have a lot of trust and shame issues, but the drama makes for lots of passion!
posted by ifjuly at 12:45 PM on June 18, 2009

Free grilled cheese sandwich to the 1,000th poster.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:47 PM on June 18, 2009

And let me just say: I make a damned fine grilled cheese sandwich, if you catch my drift and I think you do.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:47 PM on June 18, 2009

Faster, Blatcher! Spouse! Spouse!

There's a definite Seussian feeling to this thread. The Mefites Who Have Spouses and the Mefites Who Have Not....
posted by misha at 12:52 PM on June 18, 2009

It would be kinda cool if Ralph was the 1,000 poster and he made grilled cheese for everyone. I like Jarlsberg, Ralph, a little Dijon if you please, and freshly brewed Mokka Java. Wifey. Dear.
posted by effluvia at 12:52 PM on June 18, 2009

Whee! I'm espoused! It's too much, pete!

It's twoo wuv! That Dweem wifin a dweem!
posted by lysdexic at 12:53 PM on June 18, 2009

Seven Spouses For Seven Socks
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:57 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

(dead possums also available)

I'm going to assume that this means that Navajo-style kanagaroo rats wearing ceremonial headdresses, ermine cloaks, and resplenant Grillz are also available. 'Cause that's what I saw in the first one.

And if my assumption is correct, then my answer is YES!
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:02 PM on June 18, 2009

Free grilled cheese sandwich to the 1,000th poster.

What's the usual fee?

[waits for it]
posted by desuetude at 1:04 PM on June 18, 2009

We haven't actually established a formal cost-structure for it, so we're currently forming a committee to go through a proposal-and-arbitration process to try and create a set of guidelines for pricing, same as in town.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:06 PM on June 18, 2009 [6 favorites]

Bumper Sticker indicating that goods available on MetaFilter reail for the same price in your nearest town.
posted by GuyZero at 1:06 PM on June 18, 2009

I took a week off of the internet, and when I came back, everyone was married. I knew it might be isolating, but had no idea to what extent.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 1:08 PM on June 18, 2009

Whew, I finally reached the end of this thread!

*clicks preview*

Holy fuck, what is wrong with you people?

And by people I mean you ASCII-embodied mass of hot-lovin' humanity. I kiss you all! Mmmuah!
posted by slogger at 1:09 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

All of my new spouses are male, and one is a thirteen year old boy. I'm not exactly sure what this means, or if it's a sign, but maybe I should skip participation in the next few gay marriage threads. Just to even things out.

Aw, man. I can never resist wading in and girling up a sausage party. Consider yourself spoused, you delightful, water-insoluable, cadaverous thing, you.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:12 PM on June 18, 2009

If Eddie Murphy made a movie where Eddie Murphy played all the parts and every person in the audience was also Eddie Murphy would anyone who is not Eddie Murphy know about it?
posted by Eideteker at 1:13 PM on June 18, 2009

950!
posted by Eideteker at 1:13 PM on June 18, 2009

If Eddie Murphy made a movie where Eddie Murphy played all the parts and every person in the audience was also Eddie Murphy would anyone who is not Eddie Murphy know about it?

In a world gone Eddie, sometimes a little light shines through: Tyler Perry's, "Yes, I would know," starring Tyler Perry as Tyler Perry in a Tyler Perry production.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:17 PM on June 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!!!!!

EVERYTHING RIGHT!
posted by katillathehun at 1:23 PM on June 18, 2009

If Edie Brickell made a movie about the music of Edie Brickell and then sat down and watched it by herself, it would be a thing that she might or might not be aware of, if you know what I mean.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:26 PM on June 18, 2009

d'do ya?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:27 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

We heard you like spousing, so we put a spouse in your spouse, you can spouse while you spouse.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:29 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

grilled cheese please
posted by mbd1mbd1 at 1:45 PM on June 18, 2009

You can never have too much Pete.

[Insert commas where appropriate]

Heh heh. I said "insert".
posted by deborah at 1:48 PM on June 18, 2009

I like my coffee like I like my men: pale, sweet, and with a decent-paying job with opportunities for advancement , and a love of cats and a good appetite wouldn't hurt none either.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:50 PM on June 18, 2009

I just got back from the dentist are boy is my mouth painful and bloody!

Wait, I think I screwed that up.

Anyway, everyone is invited to the formal launch of the Colonization ship of the family of The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb-Bits-Readery-Subbes-Apathy-Rancher-Girl-Symmetry-Marsha-Wiess-Maisie-Girl-Figs-Visible-Pete-Julynes-Everichon-Desuetude. The Ship will undetake a 4-year mission to colonize the Benten-Santiago system. Submissions are still being taken for the name.
posted by The Whelk at 1:58 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Future MeTa thread: "As a user with over 1,000 spouses, I feel qualified to say..."
posted by lysdexic at 1:58 PM on June 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

I have all those things except a decent-paying job. My desire to be an indulgent sugar daddy is crushed by depressing economic realities.

*pout*
posted by The Whelk at 1:59 PM on June 18, 2009

Well get hopping! Chefs make shite money until they hit it big.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:06 PM on June 18, 2009

I like my coffee like I like my men: pale, sweet, and with a decent-paying job with opportunities for advancement , and a love of cats and a good appetite wouldn't hurt none either.

With coffee like that, who needs men?
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:07 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Dude, I'm a cartoonist and comic book writer. I barely make enough to pay taxes. How bout we double team some unspeakably handsome wealthy son-of-a-shipping-magnate who has a fetish for pasty sarcastic nerds.

Anyone got one lying around?
posted by The Whelk at 2:09 PM on June 18, 2009

You take the front, I'll take the back.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:12 PM on June 18, 2009

How bout we double team some unspeakably handsome wealthy son-of-a-shipping-magnate who has a fetish for pasty sarcastic nerds.

Double-team the oxes! Ford the fucker!
posted by daniel_charms at 2:13 PM on June 18, 2009

You can never have too much Pete.

[Insert commas where appropriate]

You can never have, too much, Pete.
You can; never have too much Pete.
You can never have to mulch peat.
posted by zennie at 2:15 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Mmm... pasty sarcastic nerds.

Better than grilled cheese sandwiches.
posted by MrVisible at 2:18 PM on June 18, 2009

You can never have too much teat.
you can never halve the dutch wheat
you can sever half of most Petes.
posted by The Whelk at 2:18 PM on June 18, 2009

Why MrVisible, I do declare! You are a fascinating and worldly individual. I had no idea. It's like I've never seen you before!
posted by The Whelk at 2:20 PM on June 18, 2009

Toucans never have too much meat.

[nods sagely]
posted by zennie at 2:23 PM on June 18, 2009

I make a badass grilled cheese sandwich.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:24 PM on June 18, 2009

I keep telling myself that I'm not going to comment in this thread because by the time I do everyone will have moved on, and no one reads this far, etc.

But goddammit, I want to get married!


/checks back in a few hours, finds no one has commented after me, cries
posted by dogmom at 2:24 PM on June 18, 2009

I make a bad ass-grilled cheese sandwich.

I have also eaten it, shot and then left.
posted by GuyZero at 2:26 PM on June 18, 2009

reads comments

crosses off two questions to ask dnab later.
posted by The Whelk at 2:26 PM on June 18, 2009

You're being sarcastic now, aren't you?
posted by MrVisible at 2:26 PM on June 18, 2009

"Dude are you being sarcastic?"

"Eh, I don't even know anymore."
posted by The Whelk at 2:28 PM on June 18, 2009

Torn between two weblinks
Feelin' like a fool
Linkin' all of you
Is breakin' all the ruuuuules.

OK, I'll show myself out.
posted by effluvia at 2:28 PM on June 18, 2009

The Ship will undetake a 4-year mission to colonize the Benten-Santiago system. Submissions are still being taken for the name.

The Gastro Pod.
posted by zarq at 2:31 PM on June 18, 2009

I started marrying random people. Maybe there should be a marriage lottery of some kind, though.
posted by dilettante at 2:32 PM on June 18, 2009

But goddammit, I want to get married!


Ahem, madam.

reads comments

crosses off two questions to ask dnab later.

I would like to see this list of questions.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:33 PM on June 18, 2009

Noun: espousal e'spaw-zul
The act of accepting with approval; favourable reception
Insert 'spouse' where appropriate
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 2:35 PM on June 18, 2009

DON'T MARRY ME. IF YOU MARRY ME I WILL SHOW YOU MY FULL GORGON UGLINESS AND YOU WILL BE TURNED TO STONE.
posted by medusa at 2:36 PM on June 18, 2009

Shit, now I'm stoned.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:38 PM on June 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

Here is a list of sad people.
posted by Eideteker at 2:41 PM on June 18, 2009

I may not be with it enough to contact everyone who lists me as a contact, but I did spouse everyone who spoused me.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:43 PM on June 18, 2009

Here is a list of sad people.

*Beams*
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:44 PM on June 18, 2009

Yay! I'm married! I tried to think of an appropriate way to express the joy in my heart, but I used Google instead (italics are mine):

The die is cast, come weal, come woe
Two (or more) lives are joined together,
For better or for worse, the link
Which naught but death can sever.
The die is cast, come grief, come joy.
Come richer, or come poorer,
If love but binds the mystic tie,
Blest is the bridal hour.


Oh, and before I forget, I get to be on top.
posted by dogmom at 2:45 PM on June 18, 2009

Here is a list of sad people.

I can't remember the last time you made me laugh or told me I was pretty.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:45 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

but I did spouse everyone who spoused me.

Fruitcake.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:45 PM on June 18, 2009

I just got spoused.
posted by saulgoodman at 2:46 PM on June 18, 2009

Does that make me a bigamist?
posted by saulgoodman at 2:49 PM on June 18, 2009

Depends how large you are.
posted by subbes at 2:51 PM on June 18, 2009

So this is what Facebook's "It's Complicated" relationship status is for!
posted by toomuchpete at 2:51 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wow, still at it? Awesome. I have 18 spouses, and I'm interested in making it past two dozen. I bring excellent cooking and party planning skills to the table, along with the librarianly ability to find out anything about anything you want to know, two dogs, and a deep appreciation for your Metafilter obsession. What say you, thread latecomers?
posted by donnagirl at 2:52 PM on June 18, 2009

This thread is already beachballing my Firefox. Dagnabbit, one of you spouses buy me a new MacBook for my birthday next week!
posted by subbes at 2:53 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

I may not be with it enough to contact everyone who lists me as a contact, but I did spouse everyone who spoused me.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:43 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

Oh shit, do we have to spouse people back for it to be official? I'm guessing not otherwise St. Alia wouldn't have had anything to complain about in the first place. Oh wait..
posted by Maisie at 2:53 PM on June 18, 2009

No, I think one-way marriage is fine. Elijah Wood, for example, still doesn't know he's my husband.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:55 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

If it's only one-way, you don't get to have a wedding reception.
posted by subbes at 2:55 PM on June 18, 2009

THIS
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:55 PM on June 18, 2009

1000!
posted by Eideteker at 2:55 PM on June 18, 2009

is sparta
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:56 PM on June 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

1000!
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:56 PM on June 18, 2009

But you can have a wedding registry, so hey, all the gifts but none of the need to socialize at a party.
posted by subbes at 2:56 PM on June 18, 2009

You know, give or take a cortex.
posted by Eideteker at 2:56 PM on June 18, 2009

Curse my desire to post something meaningful.
posted by subbes at 2:57 PM on June 18, 2009

The "Status" field on the profile page has become woefully inadequate.
posted by bwanabetty at 2:57 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: give or take a cortex.
posted by MrVisible at 2:58 PM on June 18, 2009

If it's only one-way, you don't get to have a wedding reception.
posted by subbes at 5:55 PM on June 18 [+] [!]


1000!
posted by Eideteker at 5:55 PM on June 18 [+] [!]


THIS
posted by cortex at 5:55 PM on June 18 [+] [!]


is sparta
posted by cortex at 5:56 PM on June 18 [+] [!]


1000!
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:56 PM on June 18 [+] [!]


But you can have a wedding registry, so hey, all the gifts but none of the need to socialize at a party.
posted by subbes at 5:56 PM on June 18 [+] [!]


FTFM.
posted by Eideteker at 2:58 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

aw crap I shoulda known one of you fuckers would pounce on 1000. I AM GETTING A EDIVORCE..

crap no I have to enspousen you first. AND THEN I SHALL HAVE A DIVORCE. I get half the doughnut.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:58 PM on June 18, 2009

1010!
posted by Eideteker at 2:58 PM on June 18, 2009

DAMMIT!
posted by Eideteker at 2:59 PM on June 18, 2009

enspousened!
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:00 PM on June 18, 2009

I am finding that 999 has its own joy.

Nowhere near the joy of any of you bastards remembering our anniversary you ungrateful brutes I MADE YOU A CAKE
posted by subbes at 3:00 PM on June 18, 2009

I spoused The Whelk because I want to be part of that hyphen-y goodness. I also spoused Devils Rancher and dirtynumbangelboy, just because. And B.
posted by ersatzkat at 3:04 PM on June 18, 2009

But I'm pretty sure I don't have a girl spouse, and I need some. Back later.
posted by ersatzkat at 3:05 PM on June 18, 2009

divorced!

You'd better be on time with the doughnuts.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:12 PM on June 18, 2009

You're messing up my sidebar people. I may have missed being given a Best Answer or something.
posted by GuyZero at 3:14 PM on June 18, 2009

a womble is an active kind of sloth

I enspouzelled you for the simple fact that the notion of cards that say "Devils a womble is an active kind of sloth, nee Rancher" just makes me positively swoon with delight.
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:27 PM on June 18, 2009

Oh, finally Brandon got around to spousing me, I was about to start crying here.
posted by Dumsnill at 3:31 PM on June 18, 2009

Why can't I spouse my siblings?
posted by little e at 3:33 PM on June 18, 2009

I can't figure out what's worse, the fact that Brandon and toomuchpete spoused everyone in the thread, or that I'm highly flattered by their proposals despite each having 300+ other spouses.

*blinks bashfully*
posted by Phire at 3:35 PM on June 18, 2009

Phire, I'm with you. I keep checking my profile to see if anyone else has married me lately. SNORK.
posted by lleachie at 3:40 PM on June 18, 2009

1000000000!
posted by Eideteker at 3:43 PM on June 18, 2009

Always a bridesmaid . . . even on the internet.
posted by thivaia at 3:44 PM on June 18, 2009

You gotta be fucking kidding me.
posted by absalom at 3:52 PM on June 18, 2009

ersatzkat: consider yourself lady-spousenated!

Still here, still spousin'...
posted by freya_lamb at 3:52 PM on June 18, 2009

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Not until AFTER the ceremony, sir! What kind of a spouser do you think I am?


Always a bridesmaid . . . even on the internet.

Not any moooooOOOooooore.
posted by toomuchpete at 3:56 PM on June 18, 2009

I'm on my 2nd Valium and 3rd gin and tonic, so I think this tread is AWESOME despite my horrifying mouth pain.


Seriousls? I've had 4 teeth taken out in 7 days. Plus a sprained ankle, plus an intense allergy attack.

And now you know why I'm posting so much

Also, I want a hug and some morphine and a week to get better.


"Gastro Pod" is the best you people can come up with? Sounds like a mid-to-high-end pub in Yorkshire.
posted by The Whelk at 4:56 PM on June 18, 2009

I'm conflicted. I want to make The Whelk a grilled cheese sandwich (you know, engage in the culinary delights... to promote healing, of course), but I am not a Mrs. Whelk, and I am married to several Mr.- and Mrs. Whelks. If I make The Whelk a grilled cheese sandwich, am I cheating on myself?
posted by zennie at 5:06 PM on June 18, 2009

Grilled cheeses for everyone... when Ralph gets here.!
posted by jerseygirl at 5:07 PM on June 18, 2009

Also, I've enjoyed the light flirtation with Dnab throughout. I feel virile and dosed. Who else wants to flirt with me? I'm both sociable and easy, as you can tell from my many, many matrimonials!
posted by The Whelk at 5:08 PM on June 18, 2009

Zennie, it's only wrong if you feel wrong about it. The bread is a bit crunchy for me at this moment, why not some nice soup?
posted by The Whelk at 5:09 PM on June 18, 2009

Light flirting?

Dammit.

*returns large case of condoms*
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:12 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hmm, I transposed a couple of words there.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:14 PM on June 18, 2009

Yes, light.

You should see the heavy flirting. It once killed a man, he died happy.
posted by The Whelk at 5:15 PM on June 18, 2009

I thought if I avoided posting in this thread, and just read it, I'd be safe. It didn't work. This isn't Internet marriage, it's some bizarre kind of MetaFilter vampirism, isn't it?

This means war!

Or cake.

Yeah, definitely cake.
posted by FishBike at 5:16 PM on June 18, 2009

It seems wrong to say so, but I do make a mean actual grilled cheese sandwich. I learned two key techniques from America's Test Kitchen: 1) make the butter just about liquid before spreading and 2) grate the cheese. Oh, make that three key techniques, the third being cook it slowly on relatively low heat. Enjoy!
posted by epersonae at 5:17 PM on June 18, 2009

why not some nice soup?

Hm. Well sure, I'm flexible.
posted by zennie at 5:17 PM on June 18, 2009

Epersonae, god you are one twisted, twsited freak.
posted by The Whelk at 5:18 PM on June 18, 2009

I'm flexible.

So you've got a point above Dnab. Versatility is a wonderful thing. French Onion, I think, get to work, chop chop! This boat isn't going to sail itself you know.
posted by The Whelk at 5:19 PM on June 18, 2009

Hah. Versatility... that's a private email conversation I think.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:21 PM on June 18, 2009

I'll get the stuff, meet me in MeMail. Wear a green carnation.
posted by The Whelk at 5:24 PM on June 18, 2009

I can't remember the last time you made me laugh or told me I was pretty.


Oh dear, poor thing I had no idea you felt that way. I should be more receptive, oh dear look ...I love all my Himrem equally. Oh, oh you, lets have an orgy just for you! We can bring out the cakes and incense and eunuchs. Our best eunuchs, the ones we use for Christmas and when your mother comes over, not the everyday eunuchs. We'll polish them up right!
posted by The Whelk at 5:27 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

No one has stepped up to the plate to be my Sugar Daddy (or Sugar Mommy). I hate you all.
posted by amyms at 5:32 PM on June 18, 2009

DON'T MARRY ME. IF YOU MARRY ME I WILL SHOW YOU MY FULL GORGON UGLINESS AND YOU WILL BE TURNED TO STONE.
posted by medusa at 4:36 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

Enspousellated. If only because the alternative was a "rock hard" joke, and neither of us wants that.
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 5:39 PM on June 18, 2009

Ahem, madam.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:39 PM on June 18, 2009

No one has stepped up to the plate to be my Sugar Daddy (or Sugar Mommy). I hate you all.

I may have over-compensated. And besides, Brandon Blatcher beat me to it.
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 5:41 PM on June 18, 2009

No one has stepped up to the plate to be my Sugar Daddy (or Sugar Mommy). I hate you all.

Ahem
posted by The Whelk at 5:41 PM on June 18, 2009

To all of you who enspoused me just now: I said Sugar Daddy/Mommy, dammit!*

I appreciate the gesture, but I really only wanted to be supported in shallow financial comfort without any of the solemn responsibilities of internet marriage.

*But please don't un-spouse me. I'm starting to feel all warm and fuzzy, and I'm much too emotionally fragile for internet divorce.
posted by amyms at 5:48 PM on June 18, 2009

A video of me in drag


the Metachat circle is complete.
posted by The Whelk at 5:54 PM on June 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

In which I am sad, about the Holocaust.

The only thing I get from years old video is, hey! My diet is working! I've lost a ton of weight! I should be so hard on myself! Yay!
posted by The Whelk at 6:04 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Shouldn't! Shouldn't!

Oh that old Id, sneaking up on me and typing things. I'll control you someday *shakes fist*
posted by The Whelk at 6:05 PM on June 18, 2009

And yet, still.....none of you, NONE of you...

None of you are Ralph.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:15 PM on June 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

That's what you think.
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:17 PM on June 18, 2009

None of you are Ralph.

Call me Crom.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:25 PM on June 18, 2009

You: Professional wrestler/blithe spirit/feijoa picker/dumbass/shepherd/mime/slave to the rhythm.

Me: Traumatic inseminator.

Seeking M/F young/middle-aged/old likeminded person/animal/insect to fiddle whilst I burn Rome to the ground. You bring the marshmallows, I'll bring the weenies.

Oh yes. I'll BRING the WEENIES.

(Must also like fine wines, crying at sad movies, long walks on the beach and declawed, Republican, non-vaccinated cats. Your pic gets mine. Bonus points if yours is of somebody else's penis.)
posted by arachnid at 6:43 PM on June 18, 2009

Would someone kindly marry me so that I can get my mother off my back? Please have an avatar that I can photoshop onto my Christmas card.
posted by contrariwise at 6:52 PM on June 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

I, for one, welcome my new overlords internet spouses.

Or maybe I was right the first time.
posted by paisley henosis at 6:58 PM on June 18, 2009

I'm actually having a grilled cheese sandwich right now. No, really. And a ginger ale. I didn't have dinner earlier...
posted by ersatzkat at 7:09 PM on June 18, 2009

*checks profile* Wow, some of you guys have really low standards.
posted by shelleycat at 7:22 PM on June 18, 2009

I scream, you scream, we all scream for Ice cream
posted by lysdexic at 7:33 PM on June 18, 2009

I cant read this thread fast enough to comment in it but I'd like to add a fav joke to the upthread coffee demands and revelations:

I like my [insert mefite of choice] the way I liike my coffee:

in a burlap sack over the back of a donkey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


/I love that joke!
posted by supermedusa at 7:36 PM on June 18, 2009

I am late to the party, yet again.

Now everyone has had more spouse than me, too.
posted by flaterik at 7:40 PM on June 18, 2009

omg I am sooo glad I am already married to the Whelk because not only do I prefer my men pale & bitter, but I loves me some Wild Turkey!! gobble gobble baby!
posted by supermedusa at 7:43 PM on June 18, 2009

Whoa, supermedusa?? Like the regular medusa isn't gorgonic enough? CONSIDER YOURSELF MY SPOUSE OLD STONY ONE!!

And to my dear The Whelk: Seeing you in that dress, I would marry you all over again–even without the shotgun-toting The Whelk Sr. looming over me.
posted by Mister_A at 7:46 PM on June 18, 2009

FYI, supermedusa, I am part Turkish and all wild. See you at home!
posted by Mister_A at 7:47 PM on June 18, 2009

I give up. I've been looking for the user "metafilter" to me-marry him/her/it/them, but my search-fu is useless.

*shakes fist*
posted by lysdexic at 8:02 PM on June 18, 2009

my inner world is collapsing...my nemesis...my twin...you never show your lapidizing face here...dare I marry my other????
posted by supermedusa at 8:02 PM on June 18, 2009

I'm just here to say that I wonder if anyone has read all 1067+ comments on this thing.
posted by ishotjr at 8:05 PM on June 18, 2009

Oh god. I love this thread in highly inappropriate ways. All we need now is some punch and pie. And a 100m² oiled tarp.
posted by elizardbits at 8:07 PM on June 18, 2009

I have read all the comments, but over like the last 2 days.....but now I have to stop and welcome home my newest spouse. Mr A I've got the 'wild turkey' ready for you, baby ;)
posted by supermedusa at 8:13 PM on June 18, 2009

I'm just here to say that I wonder if anyone has read all 1067+ comments on this thing.

Yes, and I'm pissed that no one got or acknowledged my SKATE OR DIE! comment and I'm this close to despousing the lot of you.


Also, standards? What are these standards shelleycat is speaking of?
posted by loquacious at 8:15 PM on June 18, 2009

Well I'm off to work on my new pilot: So I Married Medusa.
posted by Mister_A at 8:23 PM on June 18, 2009

Even though my real fake marriage is to supermedusa. The kennings are better with So I Married Medusa, though. Anyone who is married to me needs to understand the premium I place on kennings.
posted by Mister_A at 8:25 PM on June 18, 2009

I can't get enough of this thread. I've been marrying people right in front of my boyfriend, and I'm not ashamed to say it's been fabulous!

(loq, I updated you from muse to spouse. Will that do?)
posted by Space Kitty at 8:54 PM on June 18, 2009

my inner world is collapsing...my nemesis...my twin...you never show your lapidizing face here...dare I marry my other????
posted by supermedusa at 9:02 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

Oh yeah, more doppelganger marriage! Woo baby!
posted by medusa at 9:00 PM on June 18, 2009

Well I'm off to work on my new pilot: So I Married Medusa.
posted by Mister_A at 9:23 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

Even though my real fake marriage is to supermedusa. The kennings are better with So I Married Medusa, though. Anyone who is married to me needs to understand the premium I place on kennings.
posted by Mister_A at 9:25 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

You can marry me too, as long as you don't mind BEING TURNED TO STONE BY MY UGLINESS.
posted by medusa at 9:00 PM on June 18, 2009

None of you are Ralph.

As far as you know.

Maybe Ralph is already a Mefite. Maybe he has a secret alter ego that he's been hiding from St. Alia all this time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I think Ralph is The Whelk.
posted by amyms at 9:01 PM on June 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

Oh yeah, more doppelganger marriage! Woo baby!

Attack Of the Clonefucker
posted by The Whelk at 9:01 PM on June 18, 2009

Everyone here: get a room!
posted by not_on_display at 9:12 PM on June 18, 2009

I am already in a room at the Holiday Inn in York, Nebraska, unspoused. Oh well. Cheers!
posted by zoinks at 9:41 PM on June 18, 2009

I give up. I've been looking for the user "metafilter" to me-marry him/her/it/them, but my search-fu is useless.

Found it for you. Marry me, please?
posted by chiababe at 10:01 PM on June 18, 2009

Awwww...thanks, marsha56! I feel all bound in holy silliness now!
posted by zoinks at 10:02 PM on June 18, 2009

I tire of this thread. Bring me another.
posted by Eideteker at 10:05 PM on June 18, 2009

I give up. I've been looking for the user "metafilter" to me-marry him/her/it/them, but my search-fu is useless.

Found it for you. Marry me, please?
posted by chiababe at 10:01 PM on June 18 [+] [!]


Yay! I'm married to Metafilter! And yes! Such a pretty dress!
posted by lysdexic at 10:10 PM on June 18, 2009

I give up. I've been looking for the user "metafilter" to me-marry him/her/it/them, but my search-fu is useless.

For future reference, you can find any user name you actually remember by plugging it in to the URL http://www.metafilter.com/username/... For example, I just found baby jesus and marked him as a muse, because I thought marrying a baby is probably beyond the pale, even for this thread.
posted by donnagirl at 10:21 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Every time medusa mentions being TURNED TO STONE, the ELO song by the same name starts running through my head.
posted by mogget at 10:23 PM on June 18, 2009

I just found baby jesus and marked him as a muse

How could he possibly be a muse? He only shows up when people make him cry.
posted by amyms at 10:25 PM on June 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Couldn't the crying inspire me to write comments that make him stop crying?

I don't actually know why I chose 'muse', probably mostly because it didn't sound dirty
posted by donnagirl at 10:32 PM on June 18, 2009

I'd know. But I'm family.
posted by auntbunny at 10:39 PM on June 18, 2009

You know what's awesome about hundreds of spouses?

Yeah, me neither,
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:51 PM on June 18, 2009

I am Ralph.

(paging "No, I am Ralph.")
posted by JenMarie at 11:05 PM on June 18, 2009

(guys, I haven't been spoused in like, five or six hours. I'm losing my will to live...)
posted by JenMarie at 11:07 PM on June 18, 2009

Whouse!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:10 PM on June 18, 2009

Marry me!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:13 PM on June 18, 2009

And yet, still.....none of you, NONE of you...

None of you are Ralph.

St. Alia and Ralph are wife and husband. They have lived in complete harmony, save for one minor incident. One day, Ralph received an anonymous note which said that St. Alia was going to spouse someone else on Metafilter, where she posts under the name 'Pirogue'. The note also said that she had sworn to do this on Friday. The same day, St. Alia received an anonymous note which said that Ralph was going to spouse someone else on Metafilter, where he posts as 'Templar'. The note also said that he had sworn to do this on Friday.

The whole week, it felt like something was amiss in the home of St. Alia and Ralph. When Friday evening came, St. Alia excused herself and said she had some work to do on her computer. That's OK, said Ralph, I, too, have some urgent work to do on my computer. So they withdrew to their computers and logged onto Metafilter. Soon, the Templar found Pirogue in a MetaTalk thread and the Pirogue found Templar in the same MetaTalk thread. They spoused each other passionately. Then the Templar was struck by guilt, so he memailed the Pirogue, telling her his real world name. At the same time, the Pirogue was struck by guilt, so she memailed the Templar, telling him her real world name.

No, he wasn't Ralph!
No, she wasn't St. Alia!

They apologized and quietly despoused each other.

After this minor incident, St. Alia and Ralph lived for the rest of their lives in complete harmony.
posted by daniel_charms at 12:58 AM on June 19, 2009

I was tired of my lady
   we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording
   of a MeMusic song.
So while she lay there sleeping
   I read Metafilter in bed.
And in the AskMe questions
   there was this letter I read:

"If you like SLYTs
   and getting caught up with Iran.
If you're not into chiro
   if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight
   in the glow of The Blue.
I'm the user you've looked for
   write to me and escape."

(Sorry, Rupert!)
posted by five fresh fish at 2:31 AM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

Every time medusa mentions being TURNED TO STONE


hey there. Medusa turns other people to stone. usually men. I imagine a SUPER MEDUSA could turn whole cities to stone



you know, with the right smile
posted by The Whelk at 3:47 AM on June 19, 2009

Confidential to ishotjr: Yes!
posted by ersatzkat at 3:55 AM on June 19, 2009

Oh! The Whelk is awake. How are your toofs? Or lack thereof?
posted by ersatzkat at 3:55 AM on June 19, 2009

Oh my Spouseling, my tooth holes ache, but the pills are working nicely ..even if they didn't let me sleep for 12 hours like I wanted to.

And upon waking I find that I am now The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb-Bits-Readery-Subbes-Apathy-Rancher-Girl-Symmetry-Marsha-Wiess-Maisie-Girl-Figs-Visible-Pete-Julynes-Everichon-Desuetude-Dilettante-Kat-Phire-Dogmom-Epersonae-Elgirl-Squirell-Kitty.

The pressure is starting to get to me. How can I be witty and charming enough for that many people. Maybe I'll rotate who gets lavish affection and cold disdain, or work out some kind of lottery or wheel-o-affection.
posted by The Whelk at 4:04 AM on June 19, 2009

"I'd like to take another spin, Bob"
posted by ersatzkat at 4:42 AM on June 19, 2009

I just found baby jesus and marked him as a muse, because I thought marrying a baby is probably beyond the pale, even for this thread.

How is it that, more than six hours after that comment, I was the first one to mark baby jesus as my child?

You people are slacking.
posted by toomuchpete at 5:09 AM on June 19, 2009

Marry me!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur

ooh, i can do better than that:

Marry me (Lie! Lie!)
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:17 AM on June 19, 2009

That's The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb-Bits-Readery-Subbes-Apathy-Rancher-Girl-Symmetry-Marsha-Wiess-Maisie-Girl-Figs-Visible-Pete-Julynes-Everichon-Desuetude-Dilettante-Kat-Phire-Dogmom-Epersonae-Elgirl-Squirell-Kitty-Moon now.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:20 AM on June 19, 2009

Moon, I'm running out of rings. Will you accept a twist-tie instead?
posted by The Whelk at 5:23 AM on June 19, 2009

And it's actually The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb-Bits-Readery-Subbes-Apathy-Rancher-Girl-Symmetry-Marsha-Wiess-Maisie-Girl-Figs-Visible-Pete-Julynes-Everichon-Desuetude-Dilettante-Kat-Phire-Dogmom-Epersonae-Elfgirl-Squirell-Kitty-Wise-Moon.

Why are you trying to stir turmoil in the ranks? What is your plan, exactly?
posted by The Whelk at 5:25 AM on June 19, 2009

Yaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwn!! *stretch*

Morning spouses.

Hey zoinks, can you call down to room service, and have them send up the champagne breakfast honeymoon special.

All this spousing has left me famished!
posted by marsha56 at 5:53 AM on June 19, 2009

So nice you could finally arise Marsha. While you got your beauty sleep, I've been up all night slaving over a hot replicator to make everyone a Buffet Brunch but then go and wake up early and your unfocused mental desire turned everything into champagne jello! I hope youre proud of yourself.
posted by The Whelk at 5:56 AM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'll accept twist-ties, bagels, donuts, ring pops, or anything else you would care to put on my fingers.

Except for THAT. Jesus, that's disgusting. Where did you even find that?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:07 AM on June 19, 2009

Dear The Whelk,

You are also now my neighbor.
posted by marginaliana at 6:15 AM on June 19, 2009

Would you be, could you be, will you be my neighbor?

HI NEIGHBOR.

In other news: Spouses--whose turn was it to make tea this morning? I need caffeine.
posted by elfgirl at 6:20 AM on June 19, 2009

But we live in DIFFERENT STATES. You, Madam, are LYING. Lying through contacts! Have you no shame? No sense of decency? Were I Lord and Master I'd have you hung from the highest pole and pelted with bags of mice til true remorse is shown.

I''m imaging this thread as a mid-80s sitcom about a polygamist where the opening credits take 24 minutes to introduce everybody.
posted by The Whelk at 6:23 AM on June 19, 2009

I feel virile and dosed. Who else wants to flirt with me? I'm both sociable and easy, as you can tell from my many, many matrimonials!

Oooh! I will! And I'm good at being enigmatic and playing hard to get in a charming way, as you can see from my relatively few matrimonials.
posted by desuetude at 6:26 AM on June 19, 2009

Well spouses, it seems that still no one has done the dishes from last night.

I swear, I think my sister was right about the lot of you.
posted by sephira at 6:28 AM on June 19, 2009

Very well Desuetude, I promise not to try the cherry stem thing only to get it stuck in my throat, start to choke, and then vomit into your lap.

Again.
posted by The Whelk at 6:29 AM on June 19, 2009

Being a good Metaspouse means finding the Ralph within you.
posted by EatTheWeek at 6:34 AM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

Being a good Metaspouse means finding the Ralph in others.

*punctures ovaries*

Woop, there it is!
posted by arachnid at 6:43 AM on June 19, 2009

Being a good Metaspouse means putting the Ralph in others.
posted by toomuchpete at 6:46 AM on June 19, 2009

Being a good Metaspouse means ralphing on others.
posted by Meatbomb at 6:50 AM on June 19, 2009

Well all we need now is the treaty of Westralphia
posted by lysdexic at 6:51 AM on June 19, 2009 [3 favorites]

It would be really, really, REALLY nice if we could delete contacts that have disabled their account.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:58 AM on June 19, 2009

Being a good Metaspouse means finding the Ralph in others.

True story: In utero, I was referred to as "Ralph." So, for a while, I was a Ralph in "other." I've never been a Ralph unto myself though - once the cord was cut, my identity as Ralph was over.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:14 AM on June 19, 2009

You can marry me too, as long as you don't mind BEING TURNED TO STONE BY MY UGLINESS.

I am already rock-hard, spouse Medusa!

**Woo-hoo, recycled dick joke!**
posted by Mister_A at 7:25 AM on June 19, 2009

It would be really, really, REALLY nice if we could delete contacts that have disabled their account.

Huh. I just spoused ZachsMind just to see if I could. Worked just fine. There was also a red minus thingy next to the edit-pencil thingy.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:34 AM on June 19, 2009

It would be really, really, REALLY nice if we could delete contacts that have disabled their account.

What? You can. Unless you mean you want to bulk-remove them in which case, yeah you can't because the system doesn't really differentiate between people who have gone on a few-day vacation and those who are Never Coming Back.

Good morning spouses, I'm off to work. Could you maybe pick up around here a little while I'm gone?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:36 AM on June 19, 2009

Hey guys, considering that I already self-linked in AskMe (this question) I was wondering if my beloved Significant Others (Each more Significant than the last!) could help me out creatively.

You see this? That was a bad joke that I never finished. I want to finish it now. I've got X and Z, but no Y. Help me help you find this funny.
posted by The Whelk at 7:42 AM on June 19, 2009

Did you draw those? They're cute!
posted by Mister_A at 7:49 AM on June 19, 2009

Yiffing?
posted by elfgirl at 7:49 AM on June 19, 2009

Yes I did.

Elfgirl: I have limits. You've found one.
posted by The Whelk at 7:51 AM on June 19, 2009

You might could do something funny with "yearning". She could be yearning for something obscene and grotesque, like a bucket of cocks, or something old-timey and prosaic, like a fancy new butter churn or loom or something.
posted by Mister_A at 7:52 AM on June 19, 2009

Ah, well.

Yawn? Yodel? Yak*?

And, yes, those are AWESOME.

I am intrigued by your ideas and wish to purchase your poster (if ever such a thing should exist).

*As in chit-chat, not vomit. Feel free to go for vomit if it works for you, I guess.
posted by elfgirl at 7:54 AM on June 19, 2009

Mister_A: Hmm, that opens up a lot of avenues. I'll think about it.


If all goes well, it'll finally be done by tonight. I have the excuse of being medicated so I can just sit in the BIG chair and doddle all day. I'm so bad about keeping my site updated cause you know what I hate? Scanning. You know what I hate even more than scanning? HTML.
posted by The Whelk at 7:54 AM on June 19, 2009

I didn't mean cute in a dismissive way, just to be clear. I like 'em. Funny!
posted by Mister_A at 7:54 AM on June 19, 2009

elfgirl: I am such a bad capitalist "Poster" never crossed my mind.

Anyway, good Spousii! You all get metaphorical cookies.
posted by The Whelk at 7:55 AM on June 19, 2009

I will trade metaphorical cookies for a grilled cheese sandwich. Anybody?
posted by Mister_A at 7:57 AM on June 19, 2009

I'm hoping like hell that your "X" is "xenophilia". Possible "Y" sins - youtubery, yams, and yuletide.
posted by donnagirl at 7:57 AM on June 19, 2009

Yammer? Yield? Yell?
posted by arachnid at 8:00 AM on June 19, 2009

elfgirl: I am such a bad capitalist "Poster" never crossed my mind.

If you have a printer you can trivially steal Mr. Whelk's IP and make your own poster.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:06 AM on June 19, 2009

What? You can.

Well, sure if you know what the hell you're talking about, otherwise your damn truth, facts and reality don't mean a thing!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:08 AM on June 19, 2009

Oh Noes! Save me from the interwebs for they are wild!


actually any real poster would have re-drawn pictures and probably be hand-lettered and made all design-y. Added! Value!
posted by The Whelk at 8:08 AM on June 19, 2009

Yarmulke. Yogi Berra. Yo-yo. Yeast infection. Yeti. Yoga. Y-Chromosome.
posted by toomuchpete at 8:20 AM on June 19, 2009

I've been waiting AGES to spouseify tkchrist! SCORE!
posted by bitter-girl.com at 8:25 AM on June 19, 2009

Yogi.picnic..bear...huh.

I really wanted to include some obscure heresy in this but Puritans didn't really *do* heresy (you just packed up and founded New Hampshire and called yourself Anabaptist or something) and looking it up would be work.
posted by The Whelk at 8:26 AM on June 19, 2009

Y should DEFINITELY be Yoga.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:34 AM on June 19, 2009

"Ye Olde..."
posted by lysdexic at 8:46 AM on June 19, 2009

Zeugma
posted by lysdexic at 8:47 AM on June 19, 2009

Or the obvious Zombie Pilgrim
posted by lysdexic at 8:48 AM on June 19, 2009

Ye Olde Yoga
posted by lysdexic at 8:49 AM on June 19, 2009

I'd buy the poster, too.
posted by lysdexic at 8:49 AM on June 19, 2009

OOO! OOO! Zygomorphic!

Reproduction by mitosis! Perfect for puritans!
posted by lysdexic at 8:52 AM on June 19, 2009

Lysdexic wins the obscure word rally. 2 points.

My heart is set on my choice for Z tho. I hope it's funny to people other than me. Drawing X AS WE SPEAK.
posted by The Whelk at 8:54 AM on June 19, 2009

Yeti.
posted by effluvia at 10:42 AM on June 19, 2009

Yog-Sothoth
posted by kittens for breakfast at 10:45 AM on June 19, 2009

Zamboni
what
posted by not_on_display at 10:58 AM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

Always zambonis with you.
posted by The Whelk at 11:02 AM on June 19, 2009

Better than bumpy skating, wouldn't you agree?
posted by not_on_display at 11:04 AM on June 19, 2009

Very well Desuetude, I promise not to try the cherry stem thing only to get it stuck in my throat, start to choke, and then vomit into your lap.

Again.

Yeah, that was an unnecessarily roundabout and weirdly unsexy way to get me in the shower with you.
posted by desuetude at 11:06 AM on June 19, 2009

Can't you see what we're trying to do here Desuetude?
posted by The Whelk at 11:10 AM on June 19, 2009

Zymurgy?
posted by contrariwise at 11:14 AM on June 19, 2009

Desuetude doesn't have her new HD Alphabet Thread antennae set up.
posted by not_on_display at 11:22 AM on June 19, 2009

Ever get the feeling you spend to much time on Metafilter?
posted by The Whelk at 11:24 AM on June 19, 2009

Yiffing?
posted by elfgirl at 9:49 AM on June 19 [+] [!]


Elfgirl: I have limits. You've found one.
posted by The Whelk

*climbs to very top of poopdeck* "DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE!"

What - that's not legal? Perhaps we can work through it in therapy.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:24 AM on June 19, 2009

What? Yiffing is his safeword.
posted by elfgirl at 11:27 AM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Hi - I'm Lipstick Thespian, from the Make-A-Ralph Foundation!

I've teamed up with several thousand Internet users to let the world know about the problem of Fake Internet Marriage. Or, as it's commonly known, "spousing."

You see, every few hours on the Internet, someone might "spouse" a person who's already married. It could be a contact, an acquaintance or even a friend you've met in real life! One of your neighbors or co-residents. Or in some cases, it could be your parent, child or sibling who gets "spoused."

It happens every few hours around the world!

Now, I know what you're saying.

You're saying, "But LT! There's so many people in the world who are hungry and spouseless, living in mud huts or in shelters. What can I do to make sure they can get "spoused" and live happy, productive lives?"

Here's what you can do. Just by calling our 1-800 number, 1-800-HIT-THAT, you can make sure that people around the world can be "spoused" and know someone out there cares about them on the Internets. Forever and always! That's 1-800-448-8428.

If you act now, we'll send you our membership package that includes: The Spouse House newsletter, our special, rainbow-colored Make-A-Ralph car ribbon decal, and a full dossier on where your new Spouse or Spouses live and what their hobbies are!"

I'm Lipstick Thespian, and thank you for listening. Now, please enjoy these previews of upcoming films!"
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 11:28 AM on June 19, 2009 [6 favorites]

I've always wanted to see a Mexican standoff set to ABBA's "Momma Mia"? Like that dum-dum-dum-dah-dah-dah-dah-dum with a quick tighten in on steely eyes...

Wait, what are we talking about?
posted by The Whelk at 11:32 AM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh! And Erasure's "Stop!" would be a great theme for a beating to death.
posted by The Whelk at 11:36 AM on June 19, 2009

Just by calling our 1-800 number, 1-800-HIT-THAT, you can make sure that people around the world can be "spoused" and know someone out there cares about them on the Internets. Forever and always! That's 1-800-448-8428.

This must be a typo -- the woman at Coldwell Banker had no idea what the hell I was talking about.
posted by toomuchpete at 11:37 AM on June 19, 2009

The spousing program already helped me! I was spouseless, but now I too know the joy of being spoused. Yay!
posted by nat at 11:45 AM on June 19, 2009

Spousing agents?
posted by zennie at 11:50 AM on June 19, 2009

Ever get the feeling you spend to much time on Metafilter?

What do your spouses say?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:56 AM on June 19, 2009

I would like to see third world children bludgeoned to death by riot police to "Que Sera Sera".

disclaimer: no, I would not
posted by Meatbomb at 12:01 PM on June 19, 2009

That's impossible Meatbomb.


The best use of Que Sera Sera was the Simpsons episode with the meteor.

I mean c'mon.
posted by The Whelk at 12:04 PM on June 19, 2009

I would like to see two characters in an Ang Lee film in the midst of the dissolution of their long-term marriage discussing their prospects (can we move past this together, or must it be separately?) over what proves to be their final dinner together while "One" by Metallica plays. That would be some dope-ass dramatic tension, man.
posted by Mister_A at 12:35 PM on June 19, 2009

I would like to see John the Baptist's impersonation of Graham Hill.
posted by not_on_display at 12:38 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

I would like a cookie.
posted by ersatzkat at 1:19 PM on June 19, 2009

I would like a pre-nup.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:23 PM on June 19, 2009

I feel like abusing some power. Amuse me for your cookie ersatzkat.
posted by The Whelk at 1:24 PM on June 19, 2009

I would like you people to stop capitalizing my name.
posted by desuetude at 1:28 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' in the sun,
Talkin' 'bout the things
They woulda coulda shoulda done...
But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All ran away and hid
From one little Did.*
--Shel Silverstein
posted by not_on_display at 1:33 PM on June 19, 2009

I would like to buy a hamburger.
posted by zennie at 1:43 PM on June 19, 2009

I refuse to participate in this thread on general principle.
posted by threeturtles at 1:58 PM on June 19, 2009

Oh, shit.
posted by threeturtles at 1:59 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

I refuse to participate in this thread on general principle.

Which principle is that, exactly? Are you anti fake pansexual internet polygamy? Huh? ARE YOU AGAINST FREEDOM?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:01 PM on June 19, 2009

Fake pansexual internet polygamists have rights too!
posted by jerseygirl at 2:03 PM on June 19, 2009

I refuse to participate in this thread on general principle.

And you thought your account would remain a spinster! Ha!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:22 PM on June 19, 2009

Now that I think about it, the word moist kind of freaks me out.

moist

moist

moist

eeeeeeeeeeeeee!

SQUICK!
posted by slogger at 2:28 PM on June 19, 2009

So I just spotted this post (hey, I've been away for a few days.) Started by St. Alia. 1000+ comments. "Oh wow," I think to myself. "Just imagine the major, brutal, epic arguments it must be filled with. Think of all the personal attacks, the taunting, the anger, the hurt feelings. I wonder how many people have flamed out in this thread alone?"

But somehow, despite being started by St. Alia to talk about a semi-religious topic in a vaguely moralistic tone, this thread has nearly 1200 comments and (except for a small handful near the beginning) it is not all about St. Alia... no anger or tears, just silliness and weddings for all.

Oh, MeFi. I'm so proud of y'all. *sniff*

Also, am I too late for people to spouse me? Hey, I wanna feel loved too!
posted by EmilyClimbs at 2:39 PM on June 19, 2009 [2 favorites]

I wonder how many people have flamed out in this thread alone?

Is it possible to flame out by being silly? I went to see it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:45 PM on June 19, 2009

We'd need markov filter back, pluse a flameout generator. cortex?
posted by lysdexic at 2:53 PM on June 19, 2009

You can marry me too, as long as you don't mind BEING TURNED TO STONE BY MY UGLINESS.

I am already rock-hard, spouse Medusa!

**Woo-hoo, recycled dick joke!**
posted by Mister_A at 9:25 AM on June 19 [+] [!]


Pay attention at the back, there.
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 3:01 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

it is not all about St. Alia...

No, indeed.

It's about Ralph.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:10 PM on June 19, 2009

Mornin' Sam.

Mornin' Ralph.
posted by not_on_display at 3:21 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

For everyone keeping track, I am now The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb-Bits-Readery-Subbes-Apathy-Rancher-Girl-Symmetry-Marsha-Wiess-Maisie-Girl-Figs-Visible-Pete-Julynes-Everichon-Desuetude-Dilettante-Kat-Phire-Dogmom-Epersonae-Elfgirl-Squirell-Kitty-Wise-Moon-Marginaliana-Vane-Girl.



Also, thanks to everyone who helped me finish a stupid joke I made like 10 months ago.
posted by The Whelk at 3:24 PM on June 19, 2009 [6 favorites]

Mornin' Sam.

Mornin' Ralph.

You know, it's low-hanging fruit and all, but, jesus, really, youtube guy? Really?

totothepuppydog (1 month ago)
I love how they hate each other when they are working but when they are not they are good friends.

That is the part that I love too, youtube guy.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:29 PM on June 19, 2009 [2 favorites]

Ok, who ate my leftover burrito?
posted by loquacious at 5:03 PM on June 19, 2009

Three more spice.
Three more spice.
See how they wed!
See how they wed!

They all e-married the farmer's wife.
She said, "Polygamy is the best life!"
Have you ever seen such a sight in your life,
As three more spice?
posted by medusa at 5:25 PM on June 19, 2009

Remember when I asked you to flip the laundry last week? and I was late for work because I had to wait for my lucky jeans to dry?

It didn't take'em long to dry though, 'bout the same amount of time it takes to eat a leftover burrito.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:28 PM on June 19, 2009

Also, thanks to everyone who helped me finish a stupid joke I made like 10 months ago.
posted by The Whelk at 4:24 PM on June 19 [2 favorites +] [!]

Honey, I think you could do better on Q. Everything else is a real word, you know? I'm not nagging, I mean this in the nicest possible way.

Also, I'd buy that, even though we're married.

Love,
medusa

P.S. We're married now.
posted by medusa at 5:37 PM on June 19, 2009

Dear Metafilter sister wives and brother husbands,

There has been some confusion, and I'll say it, down right grumbling, over schedules this week. Now, darn it, we're in this together and it's server-crash-do-us-part, so let's drop the attitude and get this honeymoon going. I've worked out a spread sheet of who on and who's off what days. Now in order to make the math work out over the course of the month there is some overlap. A couple of threes and fours at a time. I've done this so on Wednesdays a good number of you who like to watch Next Top Model can get to that with out distraction but that means I've got 4 Marital Duties on Tuesdays and 3 on Thurdays. So Tuesdays and Thursdays we have to start early. Like 7pm. That gives us plenty of time for chores and a nice dinner beforehand (see appendix C for cooking schedules) and it gives me plenty of time to rehydrate and we still get a good 7-8 hours sleep. And no. I will not take one of them pills. It's either through the strength of the Prophet or not at all. And since when have I let any of you down? Never. Just give me 5 minutes between to do my positive affirmations and some Gatorade and I'm good to go.
posted by tkchrist at 5:39 PM on June 19, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm detecting a significant slowdown in my spousing. Has the blush fallen off the rose?

I'm only 41! I've still got it, right? Amirite? Oh God, it's true. I'm over the hill. Past my prime. Not even good enough for a quickie Fake Vegas me-marriage to some bimbo with a user number over 100000.

Who am I tryinakid? I'm washed up! A loser, a bum! Where are fuggin' keys?

"Hey Mac, we're trying to close and you're scaring the waittress. Howzabout I call you a cab, hunh?"

"WAHHDUYOU KNOWBOUDDIT, HAH?"

And that's how I got here, Hon. No, of course I don't any "previous arrests." I don't even know what that means....ow my head. My head....let's just not talk about this anymore, okay?"
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 5:41 PM on June 19, 2009

I've decided that one-way spousing is immoral. Therefore I will now marry everyone who marries me.

I've also decided that loveless marriage is immoral. Therefore all of my spice will also be designated sweethearts.

No, don't thank me, I'm just living my principles.
posted by medusa at 5:42 PM on June 19, 2009

Everything else is a real word, you know?


It's a Kilban reference. I was wondering if it's was too obscure.
posted by The Whelk at 5:51 PM on June 19, 2009

The guy with the cat cartoons?
posted by box at 6:20 PM on June 19, 2009

I got it, the Whelk.

Also, cortex, I hope you enjoyed making fun of 7-year old YouTube guy.
posted by jtron at 6:21 PM on June 19, 2009

Thanks for teaching me about Kliban. I'm learning so much from my marriages!
posted by medusa at 6:35 PM on June 19, 2009

I had a nice time at the art gallery this evening, but you would have hated it. My spice are philistines.
posted by subbes at 6:36 PM on June 19, 2009

The Holiday Inn in York, Nebraska has an Appleby's in the lobby as their room service. Don't know if they have champagne, but I'm heading downstairs now for a coupla beers and maybe a bourbon. Whatta honeymoon!
posted by zoinks at 6:40 PM on June 19, 2009

I disappeared for about six hours - were you amused? will have cookie now thankyou
posted by ersatzkat at 7:18 PM on June 19, 2009

also, the Kliban qat was badass
posted by ersatzkat at 7:22 PM on June 19, 2009

Okay then. here it is. A cookie hand-made by the Nuns of St. Sirius, The Dog-Faced Martyr who Ever Died. Catholicism and non-human lifespans/regenerative lifeforms produced some really ...interesting results. Every cookie is supposed to contain a chunk of the actual saint, which transmutes into holy nougat once you eat it. There is at least one case of super-powers resulting from ingestion, but she only got Catholic powers, so take that under consideration. Enjoy!
posted by The Whelk at 8:52 PM on June 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

Mmmm, cookies.

You don't need digestible saints when you have 50 pound cubes of butter.
posted by loquacious at 9:07 PM on June 19, 2009

HOW did I miss this thread?!? I love marrying people!

I'm sorry about my mom god she's so embarassing killing people like that but besides...

I'm starting with box, she/he/it seems like my soul mate!

If I had a soul.
posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 10:13 PM on June 19, 2009 [5 favorites]

I'm actually away from home right now for business (have been for a couple of weeks. Not sure how I'm going to explain to my boyfriend that I was married by seven people while I was away but after fifteen years still refuse to be married by him. (this is why I haven't reciprocated, years long habit of avoidance)
posted by shelleycat at 1:24 AM on June 20, 2009

Yum, The Whelk, thanks! Three things -

1 - my brain kept trying to turn that into Cerberus, not Sirius. Make of that what you will.
2 - am lapsed Catholic, so don't think the Catholic superpower will take. Might get another power instead
3 - chunk of saint tasted chalky
4 - Holy Nougat, Batman!
posted by ersatzkat at 6:00 AM on June 20, 2009

I have my own Weighted Companion Cube! Whee!

Now let's see if we can get over to that other ledge.

No, I'm sure that's just water down there. No, honestly.

It is not a lie!
posted by elfgirl at 7:06 AM on June 20, 2009

Wait, box is a GUY?

That's just not right. (Now we really need MSTPT to enter one of these espousination threads.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:07 AM on June 20, 2009

I noticed that the gun thing was pretty passe, so I updated my profile pic to something more reflective of our enspousination, and its attendant festivities.
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:22 AM on June 20, 2009

very festive, Devils Rancher!
posted by small_ruminant at 9:25 AM on June 20, 2009

Take a flower from my haaaaair.
posted by The Whelk at 10:41 AM on June 20, 2009

posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 12:13 AM on June 20 [3 favorites +] [!]


Ooh, awkward. Look, I'm really sorry about the whole Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator thing. I enspouselated you, and I promise to make it up to you...
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 12:35 PM on June 20, 2009

posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 12:13 AM on June 20 [4 favorites -] [!]

Stick around! I made a cake!
posted by middleclasstool at 12:59 PM on June 20, 2009

Gross, I hate cake. Good thing we're not married.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 1:15 PM on June 20, 2009

The Cube is all about love. Love and cake and issues with my mom.
posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 2:32 PM on June 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Love and cake and issues with my mom.

Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive.
posted by elfgirl at 2:38 PM on June 20, 2009

I'm not even angry...
I'm being so sincere right now-
Even though you broke my heart,
And killed spoused me.
posted by SpiffyRob at 2:50 PM on June 20, 2009

I'm so sorry, weighted companion cube. I never wanted to throw you into the disposal furnace. It's all the cake's fault. It got to me. It sucked my mind away. All I could think on our wedding day was how hungry I was for some cake. With frosting. And lemon filling. And no forks, or plates. Just you, me, and the cake. I swore that it was because I skipped breakfast.

But alas, our marriage was not to be.

As I wrote this, the page background turned the color of a weighted companion cube's small, pinkish heart. I loved you, cube, so much that the memory of our time together changed the Internet itself. I'm crying now, and I don't know how to make it stop.
posted by crysflame at 4:46 PM on June 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

If I mention that the only spouse I have listed is my real one and that I make a wonderful homemade banana pudding will someone marry me?

Please marry me!
posted by nuala at 9:01 PM on June 20, 2009

Done. Hi, honey!
posted by marsha56 at 9:06 PM on June 20, 2009

Banana pudding, you say?

You have my attention.
posted by toomuchpete at 11:19 PM on June 20, 2009

As of this sunday, I am The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb-Bits-Readery-Subbes-Apathy-Rancher-Girl-Symmetry-Marsha-Wiess-Maisie-Girl-Figs-Visible-Pete-Julynes-Everichon-Desuetude-Dilettante-Kat-Phire-Dogmom-Epersonae-Elfgirl-Squirell-Kitty-Wise-Moon-Marginaliana-Vane-Girl-Medusa-Brina.

Enspousening has slowed to a crawl. It's like the end of the Ottoman Empire in here. Half-mad inbred children, paranoid princes with guns, cruel wives who'll indulge every whim, and the gilded cages of the Harem and Himrem, full of enough schemes and plots to make the Byzantines look blunt and direct. I fear a coup, an assassination, or just falling over a pile of plundered wealth and cracking my neck on some exquisitely stolen jewel. The entire south wing has been taken over by LP's cats and owls who have begun to intermarry and breed monsters. Heavy is the head that wears the peacock crown.
posted by The Whelk at 8:41 AM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

So, how're those meds treating you?
posted by ersatzkat at 3:34 PM on June 21, 2009

Not well. Not ...well.
posted by The Whelk at 5:03 PM on June 21, 2009

Oh, my seven (now eight--you are married again The Whelk) spouses, I am thrilled to be your banana-puddin' makin' bride. I have set the table and hand whipped merengue. Come eat!
posted by nuala at 5:25 PM on June 21, 2009

If anyone's still here, I'm still single.
posted by availablelight at 5:52 PM on June 21, 2009

Not anymore. I <3 that email addy.
posted by lysdexic at 6:06 PM on June 21, 2009

p.s. - that "Y" is so poignant, The Whelk
posted by lysdexic at 6:06 PM on June 21, 2009

Nuala, you are entering a very old and very complicated family. I wonder, will you enjoy your stay at the palace? I wonder, does anyone? Quickly! put on the seven bells! the ritual of the Purple and Angsty Squid must commence. It would be bad form not to do. Just mouth the words and I'll take care of the paper-burning.
posted by The Whelk at 6:07 PM on June 21, 2009

The Whelk, it's a good thing that I keep a tiny dagger hidden somewhere on my person. I can't be sure it's safe here. Until I've properly studied I won't even be sure the pudding won't instantly offend! At least I'm a quick learner.

Availablelight, I'm happy to be your new spouse. You don't leave wet towels on the floor, do you? I hate that.
posted by nuala at 6:58 PM on June 21, 2009

Can someone draw a graph for me?
posted by empath at 7:31 PM on June 21, 2009

Can someone draw a graph for me?

I just tried to draw a representational one in Omnigraffle and it crashed when I went to export a jpeg. And so it goes. I think the dataset was too intensive for that lightweight of a program.

Which one of my snugglikins is tucking me in tonight? I'm all sleepy-bye.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:14 PM on June 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Devils Rancher, I don't know how I feel about tucking you in when I married you and you did not marry me back. I know I went on a marryin' binge and then left town for a couple of days, but that's just the way it's got to be.

It's not that I don't love ya, It's just that a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.
posted by readery at 9:15 PM on June 21, 2009

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
posted by Jofus at 5:03 AM on June 22, 2009

I think the internet threw up in this thread.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 6:24 AM on June 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

*sighes* Once again, I'm doomed to always be a pallbearer but never a corpse...
posted by 1f2frfbf at 6:55 AM on June 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

I walked past the cemetery yesterday and saw some pallbearers carrying a coffin round and round. I stopped and watched them wandering for ten minutes but I was running late so i carried on.
Later, on my way home, I passed the cemetery again. They were still there, carrying that coffin around and around.
They'd completely lost the plot.
posted by minifigs at 8:22 AM on June 22, 2009 [5 favorites]

I don't know how I feel about tucking you in when I married you and you did not marry me back.

I do try to keep up, really, but with sorting this mountain of mis-matched socks, keeping straight who's on dish duty, and all the other responsibilities a newly esposued person is supposed to bear, I lost track somewhere of who was married to who, then my fancy graph blew up whilest saving last night, so I've been up in the crow's nest sobbing where no one could hear me. I'll man-up, soon, I promise, and will be a better reciprocator from here on out, so help me... Crom.

I am NOT touching the pile of sex toys that's floating around in the bilge, though.
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:52 AM on June 22, 2009

If someone does graph or chart the spouse-of-a-spouse network that arose in this thread, we ought to print that on the commemorative t-shirt as well ... or perhaps the commemorative family-sized tablecloth.
posted by EatTheWeek at 11:51 AM on June 22, 2009

I have six spouses.

*sings* I'm Hen-r-y the Eighth I am, Hen-r-y the Eighth I am I am...
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:14 PM on June 22, 2009

sorting this mountain of mis-matched socks,

I own 14 identical pairs of socks specifically to avoid this problem. I highly recommend it.
posted by shelleycat at 4:41 PM on June 23, 2009

PLEASE CHOSE TTHE FORM OF YOUR LONGBOAT'S DESTRUCTION:

1- SIMPSONS QUTES

2-PEOPLE TALKIN' ABOUT THEIR CATS

3-RECIPES

4-ALPHABET GAME

5- XKCD LINKS

6-FLAMEOUT

7-KNITTING TALK

8- YOUR BAND SUCKS ARGUMENT

9- MONTY PYTHON QUOTES

10- GAY SEX.
posted by The Whelk at 7:34 AM on June 24, 2009

"Excuse me, but 'proactive' and 'paradigm'? Aren't those just buzzwords used by dumb people to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.

I'm fired, aren't I?"
posted by box at 7:43 AM on June 24, 2009

Anybody near Little Rock want a kitten? My pal has about three that he still needs to place. I could probably be persuaded to deliver one as far as, say, Memphis or Fayetteville.
posted by box at 7:45 AM on June 24, 2009

Here's how I made the omelet I'm eating: three eggs and a splash of milk in a bowl. Pat of butter in a skillet. Pour the eggs/milk in the skillet. While it's cooking, quickly chop a bunch of green onions. Throw 'em in the middle of the thing. Then toss some cheese slices on top and fold it over. Grate a little black pepper over the top for kicks.
posted by box at 7:47 AM on June 24, 2009

*waits patiently for box to go through the entire list, puts in a Listerine strip*
posted by The Whelk at 7:49 AM on June 24, 2009

Actually, I don't really know much about XKCD or Monty Python.

But your favorite band?

Christ, they don't even wear the matching sweaters I made for them.

Dicks.
posted by box at 8:01 AM on June 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

 
 . | . | .                                                       
---+---+---        
 . | . | .                                                    
---+---+--- 
 . | . | .

posted by zennie at 12:40 PM on June 24, 2009

  . | . | .
---+---+---
  . | . | .
---+---+---
  x | . | .
posted by lekvar at 12:49 PM on June 24, 2009

. | . | .
--+---+--
. | 6 | .
--+---+--
x | . | .
posted by not_on_display at 12:57 PM on June 24, 2009

. | . | .
-+--+-
. |O| .
-+--+-
x| . | .
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:58 PM on June 24, 2009

  x | .  | .
---+---+---
  . | O | .
---+---+---
  x | .  | .
posted by lekvar at 1:01 PM on June 24, 2009

  x | .  | .

---+---+---

  O | O | .

---+---+---

  x | .  | .

posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:05 PM on June 24, 2009

  x |  . | .
---+---+---
  O | O | x
---+---+---
  x |  . | .
posted by lekvar at 1:09 PM on June 24, 2009

This shit is gripping.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:14 PM on June 24, 2009 [3 favorites]

You sunk my battleship!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:15 PM on June 24, 2009

  x |  O | .

---+---+---

  O | O | x

---+---+---

  x |  . | .

posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:17 PM on June 24, 2009

  x | O | .
---+---+---
  O | O | x
---+---+---
  x |  x | .
posted by lekvar at 1:19 PM on June 24, 2009

Silly love songs!


On top of my brainstem all nestled in grey
Just under my cortex my limbic will stay
Unconscious and verbal I can act like a fool
Without my cortex to help me stay cool


If I pound on the table or roll on the floor
You know that my brainstem can't take anymore
So let me breathe deeply let the oxygen flow
On up to my cortex so that I won't blow

*sing to the tune of: On top of ole Smokey via

What's wrong with that?
posted by lysdexic at 1:21 PM on June 24, 2009

I'd like to know
posted by lysdexic at 1:22 PM on June 24, 2009

  x |  O | .

---+---+---

  O | O | x

---+---+---

  x |  x | O
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:22 PM on June 24, 2009

  x | O | x
---+---+---
  O | O | x
---+---+---
  x | x | O

Crap. I guess that means we don't get to start a thermonuclear war, eh Flo?
posted by lekvar at 1:24 PM on June 24, 2009

can I play?

x | Ø | x
---+---+---
O | Ø | x
---+---+---
x | Ø| O
posted by lysdexic at 1:27 PM on June 24, 2009

oh my GOD! will this thread NEVER die?
posted by msconduct at 4:42 PM on June 24, 2009

Yahtzee!
posted by subbes at 5:00 PM on June 24, 2009

Am I too late for the gay knitting sex with Simpson quotes and cat quote flameouts? ABC, MOTHERFUCKERS!
posted by ersatzkat at 5:19 PM on June 24, 2009

I've crreated a monster
posted by The Whelk at 6:23 PM on June 24, 2009

I'm elated at Muenster.
posted by box at 7:08 PM on June 24, 2009

I'm something something rhymes with monster.
posted by ersatzkat at 7:11 PM on June 24, 2009

I've fellated a Munster.
posted by pompomtom at 7:53 PM on June 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

I spent college in Dunster.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:42 PM on June 24, 2009

Y'all I feel so stoopid. I didn't even know I could link to other users. You guys had 1200 posts worth of marrying and divorcing and polygamy. I didn't even know about it.

Is this all some performance art commentary on Prop 8?
posted by 26.2 at 11:33 PM on June 24, 2009

Yup, and you're in it now.

Welcome to the family sweetheart!
posted by marsha56 at 3:19 AM on June 25, 2009

I'm not giving out the medals until 1500
posted by Jofus at 6:40 AM on June 25, 2009

Anybody near Little Rock want a kitten? My pal has about three that he still needs to place. I could probably be persuaded to deliver one as far as, say, Memphis or Fayetteville.

I'm not sure. Will the kitten be proactive about leveraging his new paradigm for synergy?
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:02 AM on June 25, 2009

Is this all some performance art commentary on Prop 8?

It was this or an internet petition, so we chose the more effective form of protest, my dear new spouse.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:04 AM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh, yeah, these kittens will shake up your organization, motivate your current cat staff and move your cheese all over the place. They're totally thinking outside the box. Well, when they're not sleeping inside it, which is probably twenty hours a day.
posted by box at 7:19 AM on June 25, 2009

Cuppa?
posted by elfgirl at 9:12 AM on June 25, 2009

Just add hot water.
posted by zennie at 9:28 AM on June 25, 2009

I refuse to participate in this thread on general principle.

Which principle is that, exactly? Are you anti fake pansexual internet polygamy? Huh? ARE YOU AGAINST FREEDOM?

Hmm, now that I think about it, I am very PRO fake pansexual internet polyamory. Bring on the internet orgy!


I am, however, anti-freedom.
posted by threeturtles at 9:30 AM on June 25, 2009

Could someone tell me how to remove contacts? I can't figure it out.
posted by mecran01 at 9:39 AM on June 25, 2009

From what I've seen other people do, I think you sort of lean over the sink and hold your eye open real wide and then sort of poke yourself in the eyeball and curse.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:48 AM on June 25, 2009 [4 favorites]

how to remove contacts

I usually just use my finger, after I put a little saline solution on it. (Don't forget to close the sink drain! You don't want to lose one down there.) Sometimes my husband has to help, if a really stubborn one gets stuck behind my eyelid.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 9:48 AM on June 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

OK, let's move onto a game called "Scenes From a Hat" and this one's for Wayne, Colin, Ryan, and Cortex. We'll start off with "Questions that belong in AskMe."
posted by not_on_display at 9:56 AM on June 25, 2009

I can't find my hat. It is chocolate-colored and top-hat-shaped with golden fairy sparkles and a delicate satin ribbon. What should I do?
posted by zennie at 10:17 AM on June 25, 2009

OK, let's move onto a game called "Scenes From a Hat"

as this is mefi, I presume you'll be using a Fedora?
posted by namewithoutwords at 10:51 AM on June 25, 2009

Wouldn't you rather play Questions?
posted by elfgirl at 11:13 AM on June 25, 2009

Heads.
posted by desuetude at 11:14 AM on June 25, 2009

Tails?
posted by zennie at 11:27 AM on June 25, 2009

Man, I'm such a tic tac to killer.
posted by lysdexic at 11:29 AM on June 25, 2009

I spy with my little eye, something that begins with the letter "q."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:33 AM on June 25, 2009

It's a fish. In my pants.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:33 AM on June 25, 2009

Dude, fish starts with a g.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:36 AM on June 25, 2009

Dude, "ghoti" starts with a couple of alcoholic beverages.
posted by not_on_display at 11:41 AM on June 25, 2009 [2 favorites]

So did you.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:45 AM on June 25, 2009

random rhetorical rhymes

Supposing spousing spice (or spousii)
Deposes spouses spoused (a downsize)
How therefore could spice be spoused
Without a spouse rebellion roused?
posted by zennie at 11:45 AM on June 25, 2009

...more than a couple, sys rq... I was adopted!!
posted by not_on_display at 12:55 PM on June 25, 2009

...in 1969, too!

...at a concert!
posted by not_on_display at 12:55 PM on June 25, 2009

I JUST HAD MY FINAL DENTAL ACTION AND AM IN PAIN BUT WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT NO MORE PAIN IS FORTHCOMING.


So you people should be entertaining me more, is what I'm saying.
posted by The Whelk at 5:24 PM on June 25, 2009

Also, Hermitosis knows his Thai places and deserves Metafilter props for keeping me company before my dental thing.


(and Great Swell gave me wine after, bless you)
posted by The Whelk at 5:27 PM on June 25, 2009

Meds and wine! Meds and wine!
posted by ersatzkat at 5:59 PM on June 25, 2009

Dance, Internet Monkeys! Dance! Dance!
posted by elfgirl at 6:21 PM on June 25, 2009

FASTER! FASTER ONWARDS AND UPWARDS AND ALWAYS WHRILLING! TWHRILLING TOWARD FREEDOM.
posted by The Whelk at 6:26 PM on June 25, 2009

So is this the place I can push http://thewhelk.wordpress.com/?
posted by The Whelk at 6:28 PM on June 25, 2009

Yes! Also, "twhrilling"!
posted by ersatzkat at 7:33 PM on June 25, 2009

CROSS POST- The partial playlist for the Alice In Wonderland party


My world would be a Wonderland - Alice In Worderland SKT

L.S.D. - The Pop Classic Workshop

I'm The Walrus- The Beatles

Super Mario Brother's 2 Gypsy Jazz Waltz - Overclocked Remix

Through The Looking Glass - The Monkees

Track 4 - American McGee's ALice

The Mad Tea Party - Alice In Wonderland SKT

UnBirthday - Pogo

The Tightrope - The Glove

Alice - Tom Waits

White Rabbit - Patti Smith

Relax - The Glove

Lost - Pogo

Looking Glass Girl - Robert Smith The Glove Remix

Call me Alice - Rasputina

Track 3 - American McGee's Alice

All Tomorrow's Parties - Velvet Underground

Lolitapop Dollhouse - Momus

We're All Mad Here - Tom Waits

Across the Universe - Rufus Wainright

Bread And Butterflies - Pogo

Starman - David Bowie

Here Comes The Sun - Nick Cave

Never Turn Your Back On Mother Earth - Sparks

Don't Come Around Here No More - Tom Petty

Alice - Pogo

Punish Me With Kisses - The Glove

Track 2 - American McGee's Alice

Suffragette City - David Bowie

White Rabbit - Collide

Sunshine Of Your Love - Cream
posted by The Whelk at 8:51 PM on June 25, 2009

I have a new Bride! anastasiav!


Welcome to the Palace and try not to step on any of your sibling spouses' stabbed and or chocked bodies on the way to Chambers. Your Tiara will be fitted shortly. We're out of diamonds or gold, will you accept tin or maybe neon green plastic?
posted by The Whelk at 5:32 AM on June 27, 2009

Also, set slightly, Avenger is about. Last week he tried to off grapefruitmoon with a fine ruby and pearl ring lined with a contact posion.
posted by The Whelk at 8:37 AM on June 27, 2009

Is it now the appropriate time and place to show off my reamer?
posted by desuetude at 11:05 AM on June 27, 2009

desuetude: "Is it now the appropriate time and place to show off my reamer?"

Never mind that, what about that emu egg?! WHO THE HELL DID YOU SPOUSE?!
posted by not_on_display at 7:29 PM on June 27, 2009

Not-On_dispolay? did you not have the Dodo egg brunch? Oh dear, they snuck in Emu. It's all downhill from here.

Today I wore bunny ears and a pocket watch in my flannel shirt and ran around quoting poetry
posted by The Whelk at 8:40 PM on June 27, 2009

Never mind that, what about that emu egg?! WHO THE HELL DID YOU SPOUSE?!

Oh, the emu egg. Was a very sexy egg.
posted by desuetude at 10:23 AM on June 28, 2009

I was skeptical about the stuff, having been a jojoban since before gauge-as-a-verb, but, well, emu oil totally works better for me.
posted by box at 1:28 PM on June 28, 2009

I have an emo egg. It refuses to hatch.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:27 PM on June 28, 2009 [2 favorites]

Annoucement! Misha is now my Spouse Of The Day. THe rest of you must fight! yes fight for my love! Muwahahahaha!
posted by The Whelk at 12:17 PM on June 30, 2009

Careful, The Whelk. I've got a drawer full of kitchen implements.
posted by desuetude at 1:00 PM on June 30, 2009

And I've got a kitchen full of drawers.
posted by The Whelk at 1:12 PM on June 30, 2009

And I have a house full of kitchens.
posted by not_on_display at 1:30 PM on June 30, 2009

My drawers are also full.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:31 PM on June 30, 2009

OF EELS
posted by The Whelk at 1:33 PM on June 30, 2009

Steamed Stuffed Whelks

Braised Whelks

and for good measure...19 Eel Recipes
posted by desuetude at 1:42 PM on June 30, 2009

Steamed Stuffed Whelks


I perfer to be toasted, if you don't mind.
posted by The Whelk at 1:47 PM on June 30, 2009

Pardon my barking eels.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:50 PM on June 30, 2009

I don't like these new, hip euphemisms.
posted by The Whelk at 1:52 PM on June 30, 2009

Sounds like you might need hip replacement surgery.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:57 PM on June 30, 2009

What is hip? Wont you tell me? Cause I got to know.
posted by The Whelk at 1:58 PM on June 30, 2009

Hipness is what it is.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:05 PM on June 30, 2009

No one has ever explained to me what a hipster is. And I have not the faintest idea.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:15 PM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Someone who complains about hipsters.
posted by The Whelk at 2:18 PM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's a dumpster full of erstwhile hipness, and dark plastic glasses.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:18 PM on June 30, 2009

I hipster is anyone in front of you in line at your favorite brunch place or coffee shop.
posted by rtha at 2:20 PM on June 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

A hipster, that is.

I am not a hipster. A hipster would never make a typo like that.
posted by rtha at 2:21 PM on June 30, 2009

I, Hipster was my favorite Will Smith star vehicle. I loved it when he said, "Yo Homes, smell you later," and blew up the zombie hipsters with a grenade.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:25 PM on June 30, 2009

Of course it was just an ironic grenade.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:40 PM on June 30, 2009

I don't like these new, hip euphemisms.

Who's using euphemisms?

You mean you're not a large edible sea snail?
posted by desuetude at 2:47 PM on June 30, 2009

No, YOU femmism.
posted by not_on_display at 4:00 PM on June 30, 2009

I think a hipster is someone more trendy and fashionable than you are, kinda like a rich person has more money than you, an alcoholic drinks more than you do, a slut has more sex than you, etc., etc., ad infinitum.
posted by box at 9:45 PM on July 2, 2009

I think a hipster is someone more trendy and fashionable than you are

Egads, we're not talking about the same hipsters, then. I promise I'm more fashionable.
posted by desuetude at 10:56 PM on July 2, 2009

dear god this thread will never die
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:15 AM on July 3, 2009

Not if I have anything to say about it.
posted by The Whelk at 7:16 AM on July 3, 2009

I have kayak bruises and a sunburn and I'm in it til it's DONE.
posted by ersatzkat at 8:34 AM on July 3, 2009

(an empty stage with a backdrop of a violent sea. A horn blows off stage. A whole chorus of vikings shuffle on stage.)

Ooooo!

We are the Raiders of the Longboat Whelk
Joined as we are, to the belt.
No other ship can match our bellicosity
for we sail the seas of polyamory!

Me and my Husbands and Wives do share the plunder!
Of this bond, let no one tear asunder!
Hand in hand with a wedding band, we do not vary whilst the loot the monasteries!

Our ship is strong and also long
We strike fear into nations
with our possible combinations!

And to those who would look their noses down
pray you don't live in a coastal town!

O!

Birds of a father!
Now and forever!
Sailing together on the sea of polyamoury!
Me and my hubands and wives do share the plunder
Of this bond let! No! Man! Tear! Asuuuuuuunder!

BOM BUM BUM BUM BAH!
posted by The Whelk at 8:59 AM on July 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

FEATHER! FUCK IT WHERE IS MY EDIT FEATURE CORTEX?
posted by The Whelk at 9:00 AM on July 3, 2009

That line doesn't come until the seventh verse, yo.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:12 AM on July 3, 2009

Does this mean you're NOT going to do a whole Gilbert and Sullivanesque number for it? Man cortex, you used to be cool.
posted by The Whelk at 9:20 AM on July 3, 2009

dear god this thread will never die

I don't complain when my spouses demonstrate their endurance and creativity. Ahem.
posted by desuetude at 11:25 AM on July 3, 2009

Someone hold me? :(
posted by WinnipegDragon at 12:50 PM on July 3, 2009

Birds of a father don't give a flock.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:52 PM on July 3, 2009

Birds of a father don't give a flock.

Cliches' from the future #209

You're not my real original source DNA!
posted by The Whelk at 2:13 PM on July 3, 2009

It's finally over! No one mess it up!

Oh, shit!

*waits for the divorces to roll in*
posted by JoanArkham at 2:25 PM on July 8, 2009

I want half of everyone's favorites.
posted by The Whelk at 2:43 PM on July 8, 2009

And people in hell want ice water?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:53 PM on July 8, 2009

But you're not helping them, Leon. Why is that?
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:55 PM on July 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

'Cause I fucking hate them.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:19 PM on July 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

Actually, I'm excited about the influx of new espousinating candidates thanks to unixrat. What better way to welcome them to MeFi than gifting them with a brand new spouse!
posted by elfgirl at 6:33 PM on July 8, 2009

Fruit basket.
posted by box at 7:34 PM on July 8, 2009

Cliches' from the future #209

#210: So if all of your friends jumped off the space station, would you do it too? I didn't think so, mister.

#211: If you kids don't cut it out, we are turning this hovercraft around and going home!

#212: Don't make that face, or it'll freeze the space-time continuum.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 7:58 PM on July 8, 2009

I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler!!
posted by not_on_display at 9:51 PM on July 8, 2009

METAFILTER IS NOT A TOY!
posted by The Whelk at 8:40 AM on July 9, 2009

That's right. Metafilter is just a flirt.
posted by zennie at 10:02 AM on July 9, 2009

Fruit basket.

Really? I wouldn't have thought --

Huh. Well, Ok then.

Fruit baskets from box for everyone!
posted by elfgirl at 10:55 AM on July 9, 2009

A! BUT! CAN'T DOn'T! ENOUGH! FUCKGAH! HELL!
posted by The Whelk at 9:16 PM on July 9, 2009

Wow. Maybe let's make that a wine-and-cheese basket, or perhaps a basket of soft fluffy kittens, instead.
posted by box at 5:44 AM on July 10, 2009

Yay! Kittens! Someone find a scanner!
posted by zennie at 6:29 AM on July 10, 2009

ZzzzzzzzzamBONI!
posted by not_on_display at 12:48 PM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ah. I see what you did there.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:38 PM on July 10, 2009

By the way, has anyone seen my husbands?
posted by donnagirl at 3:02 PM on July 10, 2009

Catamites, all of them
posted by The Whelk at 3:08 PM on July 10, 2009

METAFILTER IS NOT A TOY!

What's the difference between "toy" and "adult toy"?

Location.

Demetri Martin
posted by The Deej at 6:15 PM on July 10, 2009

If this boat goes down I'm takin' y'all with me.
posted by The Whelk at 12:26 PM on July 12, 2009

If this is a boat, you're going down on all of us?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:32 PM on July 12, 2009

If this boat's going down, don't come a-knockin'?
posted by box at 2:34 PM on July 12, 2009

You don't go down IN a boat, you go down TO the little boat, and see the little man in it.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:26 PM on July 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

I need a flow chart.
posted by The Whelk at 3:36 PM on July 12, 2009

You don't go down IN a boat, you go down TO the little boat, and see the little man in it.

Not since I was like, 17.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:08 PM on July 12, 2009

Suuuuzaaaaaaannne takes you down to her little boat beneath the beltway, she shows you the little man and you spend the night beside her. You know she's got Herpes, but that's not whyyyyy you wanna be there.
posted by The Whelk at 4:13 PM on July 12, 2009

The Unicorns made me do it.


Fuckers.
posted by The Whelk at 8:58 PM on July 12, 2009

This thread only has a few days left. Last one out, turn off the lights.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:31 PM on July 13, 2009

There is a light that never goes out....
posted by The Whelk at 12:40 PM on July 13, 2009

Theres a light
Light
In the darkness
Of everybody's life
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:02 PM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

Q: "There is a light on the dashboard telling me one of my tires is flat. How does the car know this?"

A: I will tell you tomorrow.
posted by not_on_display at 1:38 PM on July 13, 2009

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
posted by box at 1:45 PM on July 13, 2009

There's a light (over at the Frankenstein place)...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:49 PM on July 13, 2009

There are times
when you'll need someone
I will be by your side
There is a light that shines
special for you and me
posted by box at 3:34 PM on July 13, 2009

white light, white heat, david bowie cover.
posted by The Whelk at 4:52 PM on July 13, 2009

not_on_display: "Q: "There is a light on the dashboard telling me one of my tires is flat. How does the car know this?""

SATAN.
posted by subbes at 5:22 PM on July 13, 2009

Am I a bad person that I had thought "white light, white heat" was a bowie song all these years? Huh. Maybe I'm in space - Bowie's in space.
posted by GuyZero at 5:42 PM on July 13, 2009

You light up my life
You give me hope
Against the dark
You light up my days
And fill my nights
With snark.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:53 PM on July 13, 2009

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray
posted by The Whelk at 6:00 PM on July 13, 2009

You'll never know dear

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away.
posted by The Whelk at 6:04 PM on July 13, 2009

Yesterday, I officiated the public side of a wedding (the paperwork I signed back before Prop 8) for just $50 and a nice dinner. Wrote 'em vows and everything.

VOLUME DISCOUNTS!
posted by klangklangston at 6:20 PM on July 13, 2009

From her eye socket a glob of pus slid down her rotting cheek. Zombies! On our wedding day!
posted by tellurian at 9:18 PM on July 13, 2009

YOU LIGHT UP MY LIIIIIFE!
posted by lysdexic at 3:28 AM on July 14, 2009

LIGHTS OUT! Angry Samoans

LIGHTS OUT!!! Peter Wolf

LIGHTS OUT!!!!! Santigold
posted by not_on_display at 9:52 AM on July 14, 2009

Lights out, Kalamazoo!!!!!!!
posted by The Deej at 10:48 AM on July 14, 2009

lights out, asshole
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:59 AM on July 14, 2009

Lyte needs a roughneck
posted by Sys Rq at 11:46 AM on July 14, 2009

(My mistake--a Ruff Neck)
posted by Sys Rq at 11:48 AM on July 14, 2009

A longneck.
posted by subbes at 2:38 PM on July 14, 2009

A longboat.
posted by subbes at 2:38 PM on July 14, 2009

Long, thick, and hard boat.

cut.
posted by The Whelk at 4:51 PM on July 14, 2009

1412 comments? I've seen children with longer boats.
posted by GuyZero at 4:57 PM on July 14, 2009

*cries*
posted by The Whelk at 5:03 PM on July 14, 2009

Dinghy.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:19 PM on July 14, 2009

Courage.
posted by box at 5:20 PM on July 14, 2009

The Irish curse
posted by The Whelk at 5:20 PM on July 14, 2009

Potatoes?
posted by elfgirl at 5:28 PM on July 14, 2009

Julienned.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:29 PM on July 14, 2009

Taters
posted by The Whelk at 5:30 PM on July 14, 2009

last post!
posted by lysdexic at 6:56 PM on July 14, 2009

Blast First!
posted by box at 6:57 PM on July 14, 2009

But, no?
posted by elfgirl at 7:12 PM on July 14, 2009

You guys are terrible with calendars.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:15 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

That's it, I'm reporting you all to the Texas Health and Human Services. They'll put a stop to this post.
posted by klangklangston at 7:16 PM on July 14, 2009

Klanglendars?
posted by subbes at 7:51 PM on July 14, 2009

Someone to whom I am not married to has linked me in Contacts using the descriptor "Spouse." What recourse do I have?

Maybe for certain categories (like spouse) we could require the person linked to agree??? I mean, my real-life husband is pretty easygoing but this is kinda....unacceptable.

And fwiw I did use the contact form to email mods hours ago, so no one needs to suggest that.
      .taht tseggus ot sdeen eno on os ,oga sruoh sdom liame ot mrof tcatnoc eht esu did I wiwf dnA

                                          .elbatpeccanu....adnik si siht tub gniogysae ytterp si dnabsuh efil-laer
ym ,naem I ???eerga ot deknil nosrep eht eriuqer dluoc ew (esuops ekil) seirogetac niatrec rof ebyaM

                                                                                                                 ?evah I od esruocer
tahW ".esuopS" rotpircsed eht gnisu stcatnoC ni em deknil sah ot deirram ton ma I mohw ot enoemoS

This amazing example of textual symmetry presented as found in nature. For prints, please contact elfgirl. Please note, extra pixels are a feature, not a bug.
posted by elfgirl at 8:11 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

You guys are terrible with calendars.


You could fix that, though. Coupla database mods, and we got ourselves a short longboat posted on Flag Day.
posted by lysdexic at 8:29 PM on July 14, 2009

"Short longboat?" Are you saying we're retarded?
posted by Pronoiac at 10:26 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

More like special.
posted by The Whelk at 10:44 PM on July 14, 2009

Sunday Morning
Wallace Stevens

I

Complacencies of the peignoir, and late
Coffee and oranges in a sunny chair,
And the green freedom of a cockatoo
Upon a rug mingle to dissipate
The holy hush of ancient sacrifice.
She dreams a little, and she feels the dark
Encroachment of that old catastrophe,
As a calm darkness among water-lights.
The pungent oranges and bright, green wings
Seem things in some procession of the dead,
Winding across wide water, without sound.
The day is like wide water, without sound,
Stilled for the passing of her dreaming feet
Over the seas, to silent Palestine,
Dominion of the blood and sepulchre.

II

Why should she give her bounty to the dead?
What is divinity if it can come
Only in silent shadows and in dreams?
Shall she not find in comforts of the sun,
In pungent fruit and bright, green wings, or else
In any balm or beauty of the earth,
Things to be cherished like the thought of heaven?
Divinity must live within herself:
Passions of rain, or moods in falling snow;
Grievings in loneliness, or unsubdued
Elations when the forest blooms; gusty
Emotions on wet roads on autumn nights;
All pleasures and all pains, remembering
The bough of summer and the winter branch.
These are the measures destined for her soul.

III

Jove in the clouds had his inhuman birth.
No mother suckled him, no sweet land gave
Large-mannered motions to his mythy mind.
He moved among us, as a muttering king,
Magnificent, would move among his hinds,
Until our blood, commingling, virginal,
With heaven, brought such requital to desire
The very hinds discerned it, in a star.
Shall our blood fail? Or shall it come to be
The blood of paradise? And shall the earth
Seem all of paradise that we shall know?
The sky will be much friendlier then than now,
A part of labor and a part of pain,
And next in glory to enduring love,
Not this dividing and indifferent blue.

IV

She says, "I am content when wakened birds,
Before they fly, test the reality
Of misty fields, by their sweet questionings;
But when the birds are gone, and their warm fields
Return no more, where, then, is paradise?''
There is not any haunt of prophecy,
Nor any old chimera of the grave,
Neither the golden underground, nor isle
Melodious, where spirits gat them home,
Nor visionary south, nor cloudy palm
Remote on heaven's hill, that has endured
As April's green endures; or will endure
Like her remembrance of awakened birds,
Or her desire for June and evenings, tipped
By the consummation of the swallow's wings.

V

She says, "But in contentment I still feel
The need of some imperishable bliss.''
Death is the mother of beauty; hence from her,
Alone, shall come fulfilment to our dreams
And our desires. Although she strews the leaves
Of sure obliteration on our paths,
The path sick sorrow took, the many paths
Where triumph rang its brassy phrase, or love
Whispered a little out of tenderness,
She makes the willow shiver in the sun
For maidens who were wont to sit and gaze
Upon the grass, relinquished to their feet.
She causes boys to pile new plums and pears
On disregarded plate. The maidens taste
And stray impassioned in the littering leaves.

VI

Is there no change of death in paradise?
Does ripe fruit never fall? Or do the boughs
Hang always heavy in that perfect sky,
Unchanging, yet so like our perishing earth,
With rivers like our own that seek for seas
They never find, the same receding shores
That never touch with inarticulate pang?
Why set the pear upon those river-banks
Or spice the shores with odors of the plum?
Alas, that they should wear our colors there,
The silken weavings of our afternoons,
And pick the strings of our insipid lutes!
Death is the mother of beauty, mystical,
Within whose burning bosom we devise
Our earthly mothers waiting, sleeplessly.

VII

Supple and turbulent, a ring of men
Shall chant in orgy on a summer morn
Their boisterous devotion to the sun,
Not as a god, but as a god might be,
Naked among them, like a savage source.
Their chant shall be a chant of paradise,
Out of their blood, returning to the sky;
And in their chant shall enter, voice by voice,
The windy lake wherein their lord delights,
The trees, like serafin, and echoing hills,
That choir among themselves long afterward.
They shall know well the heavenly fellowship
Of men that perish and of summer morn.
And whence they came and whither they shall go
The dew upon their feet shall manifest.

VIII

She hears, upon that water without sound,
A voice that cries, "The tomb in Palestine
Is not the porch of spirits lingering.
It is the grave of Jesus, where he lay.''
We live in an old chaos of the sun,
Or an old dependency of day and night,
Or island solitude, unsponsored, free,
Of that wide water, inescapable.
Deer walk upon our mountains, and quail
Whistle about us their spontaneous cries;
Sweet berries ripen in the wilderness;
And, in the isolation of the sky,
At evening, casual flocks of pigeons make
Ambiguous undulations as they sink,
Downward to darkness, on extended wings.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:41 AM on July 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh.

Oh, that was lovely.

Thank you, ocherdraco.
posted by elfgirl at 7:02 AM on July 15, 2009

Yeah, wicked classy. I've got the Beasties singing "Skills to Pay the Bills".
posted by ersatzkat at 6:39 PM on July 15, 2009

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:20 PM on July 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

"A fool and his aorta are soon parted"
posted by ersatzkat at 7:22 PM on July 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Dr. Chandra, will I dream?
posted by elfgirl at 7:29 PM on July 15, 2009

For the fiftieth time, no, we're just going to roll you back to last week's build. You ask that every time HAL.
posted by GuyZero at 7:31 PM on July 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Dammit.
posted by elfgirl at 7:45 PM on July 15, 2009