He ain't Ralph.
June 16, 2009 6:27 PM Subscribe

Someone to whom I am not married to has linked me in Contacts using the descriptor "Spouse." What recourse do I have?

Maybe for certain categories (like spouse) we could require the person linked to agree??? I mean, my real-life husband is pretty easygoing but this is kinda....unacceptable.

And fwiw I did use the contact form to email mods hours ago, so no one needs to suggest that.

posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies to etiquette/policy at 6:27 PM (1438 comments total) 28 users marked this as a favorite

Advertise here: Contact FM.

And fwiw I did use the contact form to email mods hours ago, so no one needs to suggest that.

Then why did you post this? Just wait for a response. This does not constitute an emergency.
posted by amro at 6:30 PM on June 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

Huh. Meatbomb links to me as "co-worker co-resident sibling" when in fact we only known each other from the orgies.

I've said too much.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:31 PM on June 16 [14 favorites has favorites]

Also, maybe this is too obvious, but did you try memailing the errant linker?
posted by amro at 6:31 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

This does not constitute an emergency.

amro, are you that familiar with her "pretty easygoing" husband?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:33 PM on June 16

mattdidthat (spouse sweetheart) · Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme (spouse)

I believe polyandry is a sin.
*and who the fuck is Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme?
posted by gman at 6:37 PM on June 16

A while back I added someone as a contact in response to them complaining in MeTa that they had no contacts. I think I put some jokey reason, like "sibling" or "crush." Months later they MeMailed and asked me to remove it. I did. I think most people would do the same if asked. Try asking. Like amro says.
posted by The Deej at 6:38 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

St. Alia of the Bunnies is my Secret Internet Wife Sweetheart For This MetaTalk Thread Only, and I love her very much.
posted by mattdidthat at 6:38 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

We wrote you back to the email you sent to us, did you get it?
posted by jessamyn at 6:39 PM on June 16

Because I can tell you, if you think having one fake spouse is bad, having thirty of them will be worse.
posted by jessamyn at 6:39 PM on June 16 [93 favorites has favorites]

Gman, the mattdidthat one is new...sheesh...
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:39 PM on June 16

Your husband is Ralph of the Bunnies?
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 6:40 PM on June 16

Jessamyn, I was expecting to get a reply by memail *smacks forehead*
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:40 PM on June 16

Now let's see how many people do this just to be annoying...
posted by smackfu at 6:43 PM on June 16

Now let's see how many people do this just to be annoying...

That sounds like inciting.
posted by The Deej at 6:45 PM on June 16

Well, I Memailed the original fellow....fun's fun and all that but maybe y'all could confine it to a day or two and then despouse me? Cuz the real Mr St Alia keeps meaning to join and I'd have a lot of 'splainin to do.... ;-)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:47 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Does anyone take the contact categories seriously? Would your husband really look at that and think OMG my wife is married to another dude? That strikes me as a bit, er, silly.
posted by middleclasstool at 6:49 PM on June 16 [15 favorites has favorites]

Another planet.
posted by gman at 6:50 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

No, he wouldn't take it seriously, but I kinda do...and I don't like misunderstandings of that nature.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:53 PM on June 16

Not attention whoring.
posted by DU at 6:53 PM on June 16 [22 favorites has favorites]

Does anyone take the contact categories seriously? Would your husband really look at that and think OMG my wife is married to another dude? That strikes me as a bit, er, silly.

Me too. Damn, the things people think are a big deal blow my mind.
posted by jayder at 6:54 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

No, NOT attention whoring. I have as much right as anyone to make a complaint on this site, and it never would have gone to Meta if I'd remembered that mods email you rather than Memail you. It might not have been an issue for YOU but it was an issue for ME.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:56 PM on June 16 [9 favorites has favorites]

While we are on the subject, are these categories really necessary now that we know people play around with them? I mean, some of the categories lend themselves to that but I would like to think some would be a bit more, well, sacrosanct.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:58 PM on June 16

Actually, that whole thing is a web standard called XFN.
posted by smackfu at 7:02 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

For a while I thought it was fun to link to some of my contacts as both sibling and crush. I hope they didn't mind...
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 7:03 PM on June 16

(Read that link if you want to see human relationships over-analyzed by some computer programmers.)
posted by smackfu at 7:03 PM on June 16

sacrosanct

What else is sacrosanct on metafilter?
posted by Pants! at 7:04 PM on June 16

Not Pants!
posted by gman at 7:05 PM on June 16

Taters.
posted by fish tick at 7:05 PM on June 16

Yeah, I guess different people have different priorities. It's words on the internet, but I guess if that bothers you there's no arguing about it. *shrug*

I mean, the quidnunc kid has me listed as "spouse" and we're both straight men. And while he's very handsome and successful and living in London and Australian and quite an intelligent and well-read man, and damn is he hilarious, so yeah, I guess if I was a woman I'd try to sleep with him, but that doesn't mean...

Oh no. I think I'm gay for quidnunc. Quid, MeMail me. We'll see if we can throw my wife in the mix.
posted by middleclasstool at 7:06 PM on June 16 [13 favorites has favorites]

What if a dude links to me as a spouse!?!? Does that make me (gulp!)....internet gay?
posted by popechunk at 7:07 PM on June 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

I would like an internet spouse.
posted by jessamyn at 7:12 PM on June 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

'cuz EVERYthing you read on the internets is true....

folks, I'm beggin' here... please list me as spouse, friend, lover, tormentor, or whatever... it's just good to know someone cares...
posted by HuronBob at 7:12 PM on June 16

I've been forbidden to post any thing else in this thread...

crap...
posted by HuronBob at 7:15 PM on June 16

I can't believe this post exists. Is this really happening?
posted by iamkimiam at 7:15 PM on June 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

I would like an internet spouse.

I'm thinking that by the time this thread gets closed, we'll all have about 50 internet spouses.
posted by popechunk at 7:17 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

metafilter has contacts?
posted by jabberjaw at 7:18 PM on June 16

*adds popechunk as spouse, cracks open handtooled leatherbound Gay Agenda, checks of 'Spread The Gay', removes popechunk as spouse, collects internet alimony*

My work here is done.
posted by CKmtl at 7:19 PM on June 16 [6 favorites has favorites]

metafilter has contacts?

Those cheap eyeglasses keep breaking.
posted by popechunk at 7:21 PM on June 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

posted by iamkimiam I can't believe this post exists. Is this really happening?

Believe it, my lovely Internet Wife #4.
posted by mattdidthat at 7:21 PM on June 16 [11 favorites has favorites]

I just married matteo! You can all bring wedding gifts to me at the L.A. meetup next month. We're registered at Tiffany's.
posted by scody at 7:21 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

St. Alia, it's something you probably can't do anything about, but more importantly have no control over, so I suggest you elect to find it flattering and/or amusing.

Everyone knows that you choose the join type of the people you link to, and conversely, do not choose the join status of the people linking to you, so I think it's probably less significant than you're perceiving it to be. They're pretty informal and fluid designations; look at any of our higher profile users and you'll note a lot of interesting, one-sided connections.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:22 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm gonna need you to PGP this prenup.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:23 PM on June 16 [5 favorites has favorites]

This also means I'm now eligible for European Union citizenship, so SEE YA, YANKEE SUCKERS!
posted by scody at 7:23 PM on June 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

This is dumb.
posted by mimo at 7:24 PM on June 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

man, i barely have any contacts, much less contacts that have visions of matrimonial bliss so large that they internet marry me without my permission.
posted by nadawi at 7:25 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I do not buy that you are serious about this complaint. I really don't.
posted by odinsdream at 7:26 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Unfortunately, when either of them do remove you as their 'spouse', the status automatically changes to 'separated' and then after a year, 'divorced'.
posted by gman at 7:26 PM on June 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

I like being able to have a girlwife and a boywife here in my MeFiTopia.
posted by jessamyn at 7:26 PM on June 16 [9 favorites has favorites]

I would like an internet spouse.

Would you like pancakes or a plate of beans at the reception?
posted by elfgirl at 7:26 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Is this where we ask for other options like arch enemy to be added to the catagories?
posted by Sailormom at 7:27 PM on June 16 [23 favorites has favorites]

i heard there would be pie and taters
posted by nadawi at 7:27 PM on June 16

Also, meatbomb keeps referring to me as brother...what's up with that.
posted by iamabot at 7:31 PM on June 16

I'm not above marrying everyone who responds in this thread.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:32 PM on June 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

the real Mr St Alia keeps meaning to join and I'd have a lot of 'splainin to do.... ;-)

Which reminds me (and why make a new MeTa thread when you don't have to, really?) my sweetheart recently got an account, has made some great comments, and then today was excited that she was allowed to post an FPP and had found an interesting story on NPR that she could post.

I warned her that it might be a little thin, which left her a little crestfallen, I fear. So I'm curious, I know that the mods pay careful attention to new users first posts to make sure they aren't SEO spammers and the like, but is there any sort of policy about being gentle with them in terms of deleting posts which might not meet the full standards of someone who's been around a little while.

I'm assuming not, as the quality of the site is probably paramount, but it would also make sense to be welcoming to n00bs in this sort of thing.

Mods, has this ever been discussed? Is there any sort of official or unofficial policy on this?
posted by Navelgazer at 7:33 PM on June 16

Also, I'm totally game for Brandon Blatcher e-marrying me. Ball's in your court.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:34 PM on June 16

The (spouse) must flow.
posted by cortex at 7:35 PM on June 16 [51 favorites has favorites]

instead of hoping the mods would be easier on her, you should help her do some research to make her first FPP awesome.

(fwiw, i've only made one FPP and i was treated nicely and it was probably a little on the thin side too)
posted by nadawi at 7:35 PM on June 16

ohh! spouse jokes and now ball jokes! this thread keeps getting better
posted by nadawi at 7:35 PM on June 16

posted by elfgirl Would you like pancakes or a plate of beans at the reception?

Cameras, please.
posted by mattdidthat at 7:37 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Mods, has this ever been discussed? Is there any sort of official or unofficial policy on this?

Well, we don't have any real policy, but we don't generally try to be jerks to newbies who make meh-but-not-sketchy first posts.

I would say that your sweetheart has a leg up on the average newb insofar as she knows someone already familiar with mefi off whom she can bounce ideas, but if she needs help beyond that it's pretty much drop us a line to get a second opinion or just jump in the pool like everyone else.
posted by cortex at 7:38 PM on June 16

You'll have to Facebook me first, Navelgazer.

Interesting note: You can mark friendship status as "None", but Family status as "Married". In these relationships, the only sex is when you say "Fuck you" to each other.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:39 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'm not above marrying everyone who responds in this thread.

Is it cool if my mom moves in with us? I know she's a little standoff-ish, but she really likes you.

Also, I think I should quit my job.
posted by popechunk at 7:40 PM on June 16 [5 favorites has favorites]

/gets down on on one knee

Brandon, I know we don't know each other very well yet, but you have beautiful eyes and I think we would make some seriously awesome internet babies together. I hope you will accept this favorite as a token of my affection and agree to internet marry me, St. Alia of the Bunnies and Navelgazer in a four-way spousening.
posted by otolith at 7:40 PM on June 16 [6 favorites has favorites]

If "spouse" is too too sacrosanct, then perhaps we can have "civil union" contacts?

with benefits?
posted by Cold Lurkey at 7:41 PM on June 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

You spent 'hours' waiting for a MeMail and never once checked your regular email? Not necessarily to check on that issue, but just in general? Damn, I check my email every 30 seconds or so all day long. And I barely ever GET email, other than spam and Facebook notifications.
posted by dirtdirt at 7:42 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

My contacts are just a list of people on the site I've slept with.
posted by gman at 7:43 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Can we please add "fuck buddy" to the form?
posted by hermitosis at 7:44 PM on June 16 [32 favorites has favorites]

I want to marry dirtdirt soley for his supply of Polaroid film.
posted by mattdidthat at 7:44 PM on June 16

Is this where I come to get spurious spouses?
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:45 PM on June 16

Can we get Matt to just marry us all to each other in one site-wide giant ceremony?
posted by never used baby shoes at 7:46 PM on June 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

I know that the mods pay careful attention to new users first posts to make sure they aren't SEO spammers and the like, but is there any sort of policy about being gentle with them in terms of deleting posts which might not meet the full standards of someone who's been around a little while.

We get everyone's first post emailed to us, really. And we try to either be all "OMG SPAMMER BAN THEM" or "huh, that's a decent first try but it's really not a great post at all, let's delete it and write them a nice email" or "Oh hey not bad, not bad at all, I think they'll do just fine here" and usually we check in on the thread to make sure it's not immediately torpedoed by one of the usual suspects out for lulz.

If she's linking to something from NPR, might want to say "okay hey if a lot of people have already heard about that on NPR, what else might make it into a killer post?" since we do get a lot of stuff that is sort of single links to newsy stuff and while that's certainly fine, about ten minutes of work can turn it into something with a lot more depth etc.
posted by jessamyn at 7:46 PM on June 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

Can we get Matt to just marry us all to each other in one site-wide giant ceremony?

Take that, Obama!
posted by hermitosis at 7:46 PM on June 16

I heard this was the thread to come to if I wanted a MeFi spouse. I like long walks on the beach followed by big plates of beans. I'm open on the whole gender thing, but you better not declaw your cat.
posted by donnagirl at 7:47 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

I just espoused jessamyn! I'll have dinner ready at 5:30, please don't come home all drunk after another bout at the gin mill with those... librarians.
posted by Mister_A at 7:48 PM on June 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

I've got a headache now, so I'm not going to marry anymore of you tonight.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:48 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

I like that every time St. Alia does anything, someone has to attack her for it.

And by 'like' I mean 'don't like.'
posted by shakespeherian at 7:49 PM on June 16 [16 favorites has favorites]

If she's out with librarians, Mister_A, she's not coming home tonight.
posted by donnagirl at 7:50 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

I like that every time St. Alia does anything, someone has to ~~attack~~ marry her for it.

FTFY
posted by elfgirl at 7:51 PM on June 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

shakespeherian: I like that every time St. Alia does anything, someone has to attack her for it.

And by 'like' I mean 'don't like.'

The same fate would meet anyone who posted this.
posted by gman at 7:52 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

You spent 'hours' waiting for a MeMail and never once checked your regular email? Not necessarily to check on that issue, but just in general? Damn, I check my email every 30 seconds or so all day long. And I barely ever GET email, other than spam and Facebook notifications.

To be fair, I was out of the house most of that time....
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:53 PM on June 16

Everyone needs a ~~hug~~ MeFi spouse.
posted by never used baby shoes at 7:53 PM on June 16

MattDidThat, my Polaroid dowry has dwindled to 3 packs of UVID, one pack of type 88 from 1974, and a half box of type 55. And I snore. But still, it's like a dream come true!
posted by dirtdirt at 7:53 PM on June 16

I'll have dinner ready at 5:30

Hey, do all her spouses get dinner? I don't eat beef--just FYI.
posted by elfgirl at 7:55 PM on June 16

For a while, I was trying to list everybody who worked in a library as a colleague. But then I gave up, because of jessamyn's and Plutor's efforts, and this convenient greasemonkey script.
posted by box at 7:55 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

jessamyn and cortex: thanks, that's about what I imagined. I think I was less afraid of her post being shot down out of instinct than I was of others shitting in it at the top of the thread (which says what it will about certain users, I suppose.) I offered to help her flesh it out, and her response was something along the lines of , "Argh! Don't bother, this seems more like work than fun and I already don't have enough time in the day!" which sounds worse than it is because this was happening over gchat and her IRL job can be frustrating (and doesn't allow her to web-surf, which would probably kill a great many notable mefites-in-the-making.)

There's a meetup a-brewin' in our area this weekend (she's already been to one) and hopefully that will rekindle the fire and get her to start making some FPPs (sorry, Matt, I know you don't like the term but it's handy) and in the meantime she's still happy to learn about threads which will interest her and which she'd be knowledgeable to comment in.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:57 PM on June 16

We need a NEMESIS category. Now that would be fun.
posted by cjets at 7:57 PM on June 16 [26 favorites has favorites]

If she's out with librarians, Mister_A, she's not coming home tonight.

*weeps*
posted by Mister_A at 7:58 PM on June 16

If she's out with librarians, Mister_A, she's not coming home tonight.

You're not kidding. Dinner last week was ruined. They're wild, I tell you.
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 8:01 PM on June 16

I've got a headache now, so I'm not going to marry anymore of you tonight.

not all couples have sex on their wedding night, you should be able to continue with your marriages as long as you promise to catch up tomorrow.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 8:04 PM on June 16

Hey, BrandonBlatcher, you're listed as my "co-resident". Does that mean we're living together? :)
posted by lleachie at 8:04 PM on June 16

What are you doing the rest of your life
Blue, green or grey, the Jessamyn West of your life...
posted by emelenjr at 8:05 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

it never would have gone to Meta if I'd remembered that mods email you rather than Memail you.

Egads, this is why people are taught that passive is evil.
posted by desuetude at 8:06 PM on June 16

NOT IN FRONT OF THE SPOUSES LLEACHIE.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:07 PM on June 16

I find my lack of wives disturbing.
posted by elfgirl at 8:08 PM on June 16

Divine Wino is my one and only. It's true, we're going steady.
posted by The Straightener at 8:08 PM on June 16

Other good categories: Hetero Life Mate, Unrequited Crush, Evil Twin Skippy, Introduced to Vice, Stalker ...

Okay, I've been at work for fourteen hours now and I think I am gettin' a little odd.
posted by adipocere at 8:08 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I've married the same mefite four times already, but I'm only allowed to check one "spouse" category! Y'all are anti-multiple-gay-wedding-gifts, aren't you? I knew it!

*storms out*
posted by rtha at 8:09 PM on June 16 [6 favorites has favorites]

I'm back.
posted by rtha at 8:09 PM on June 16 [14 favorites has favorites]

We need a NEMESIS category. Now that would be fun.

But then everyone would know that my nemesis is the same person as my boyfriend is the same person as my cousin. And I can't have that being public.

Oh, shit.
posted by amelioration at 8:11 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

We missed you.
posted by Mister_A at 8:11 PM on June 16

If you like pina coladas...
posted by wittgenstein at 8:12 PM on June 16

One time I caught my wife making the sex unto my best friend, and I was like, "Get off him!"
posted by Mister_A at 8:12 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Real wife not internet wife.
posted by Mister_A at 8:13 PM on June 16

I find my lack of wives disturbing.

elfgirl, any wife of jessamyn's is a wife of mine.
posted by donnagirl at 8:14 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Wow, this is going to be some awesome wedding night. Let me get my negligee.
posted by readery at 8:16 PM on June 16

Ok, I've spoused everyone 'cept Pants!, 'cause I just can't support that way of life.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:20 PM on June 16

Just make sure y'all sign the pre-nup. Otherwise you'll be exposed!
posted by carsonb at 8:21 PM on June 16

> I've married the same mefite four times already, but I'm only allowed to check one "spouse" category! Y'all are anti-multiple-gay-wedding-gifts, aren't you? I knew it!

rtha, sweetie, I know it's your birthday and everything today, but I need to tell you that jessamyn is my new internet spouse.
posted by gingerbeer at 8:24 PM on June 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

E spousing.
posted by phoque at 8:24 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

You know how sometimes you feel like even more of a bigger nerd than usual? Yeah, you know that feeling.
posted by Mister_A at 8:25 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

happy birthday rtha!
posted by special-k at 8:26 PM on June 16

All this spouse talk. This bespells doom!
posted by ericb at 8:27 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

See! Gay marriage leads to polyamory!

Also, I just made Brandon my spouse (jessamyn, you're next!) but the contact form wouldn't let me make him kin, too. WHY OH WHY??!!?
posted by rtha at 8:30 PM on June 16

And by 'like' I mean 'don't like.'

Ah, "don't [don't like]". I see.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:30 PM on June 16

Well, as the Mormons say, "The plural of spouse is spice"^*

^*Note: Mormons do not actually say this, as far as I know
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 8:30 PM on June 16 [39 favorites has favorites]

Where's my internet harem?
posted by needled at 8:30 PM on June 16

I have three husbands already!

OMG. People! Do you know what this means??

TEH GAY MARRIAGE REALLY DID LEAD TO BIGAMY!

Awesome. I'm gonna go gay marry my dog now.
posted by scody at 8:31 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

goddammit rtha.

jinx. I owe you a coke.
posted by scody at 8:31 PM on June 16

Wool! Coke!

Oh acoke. Ok.

In addition to polyamory and bigamy, also polygamy and polygyny!

Dogs and cats, living together...
posted by rtha at 8:34 PM on June 16

Okay, so ignignokt and I share an apartment, even though we apparently live in different states, and he has yet to inform me about his brother Meatbomb who is also living with us. Who I have never even seen, unless he was that fly I bug-sprayed and then squished half an hour ago.

Meatbomb, I'm sorry it had to end that way, but you were really behind on the rent.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:34 PM on June 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

Whoops. Please don't anyone divorce me!
posted by rtha at 8:37 PM on June 16

Also, I just made Brandon my spouse (jessamyn, you're next!) but the contact form wouldn't let me make him kin, too. WHY OH WHY??!!?

You mean the anthropomorphical Metafilter that exists in my mind is a prude??
posted by Phire at 8:39 PM on June 16

so if brandon blatcher just made me his spouse, and rtha made brandon her spouse, does this mean i am rtha's spouse through transitivity?

(oh hai gingerbeer)
posted by needled at 8:39 PM on June 16

Reader, I married them.
posted by rtha at 8:39 PM on June 16 [24 favorites has favorites]

I was feeling left out, so I married my old MeFi account.
posted by lore at 8:40 PM on June 16

folks, I'm beggin' here... please list me as spouse, friend, lover, tormentor, or whatever... it's just good to know someone cares...

Bob, I care. Mum cares. Social services care. And Freud cares.
posted by Sova at 8:42 PM on June 16

I hope someone thinks I'm nice enough to marry on the internets. I will gladly cybermarry anyone who thinks I'm good marital fodder.

Here's some things to consider:

- great with kids and pets
- hella funny
- great on-air voice
- excellent Frisbee player
- speaks Fluent Cat
- speaks even better Fluent Cat when drunk
- I brush my teeth
- I use deodorant
- I can swim
- can grow delicious vegetables from scratch
- looks way hot in a pair of jeans
- habla espanol!

p.s. seriously - is this thread for real? *blinks, rubs eyes, goes, "wow....", goes back to hopin' for offers of i-net matrimony*
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:44 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

How is it that jessamyn can get away with being married 11 times?
posted by boo_radley at 8:44 PM on June 16

SpouseTK421, why aren't you at your post?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:48 PM on June 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

Lipstick Thesbian - I just married you - not because of all those wonderful reasons, but because of the delicate shade of pink lipstick I imagine you're wearing.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 8:49 PM on June 16

Hey, guys? I think someone got MetaChat in my MetaTalk, or something. It's really weird and self-referential, and kind of incestuous, and it all seems to hinge on bunnies. Yup, definitely MetaChat in the MetaTalk.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:51 PM on June 16

Obama won't even let me get married on Metafilter. This pony sucks.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:54 PM on June 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

I'm not above marrying everyone who responds in this thread.

Yippee! Gay weddings for everyone!

(Well, everyone who's in a Pixar movie, since otherwise it's only gay weddings for half of us.)
posted by rodgerd at 8:54 PM on June 16

I was strong for almost all of the thread, was not going to jump into the bonds of matrimony - but could not resist this : "speaks even better Fluent Cat when drunk"
posted by HopperFan at 8:54 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

The Reverend Sun Myung Moon would be proud of us tonight. I feel I've witnessed something very special, very beautiful, very...scody, is that a dog?

Oh, and I have this awful nightmare about being orphaned, soooooo, you know, if anybody can help me with that...
posted by Sova at 8:56 PM on June 16

Just think of this as a Heinlein-style line marriage for the continuity of MetaFilter.
posted by needled at 8:56 PM on June 16

Wait, I never looked at my contacts - I live and work with Meatbomb, who's my brother? Awesome!
posted by HopperFan at 8:56 PM on June 16

I just remembered my RL ex got married today. THANKS METAFILTER!
posted by Sailormom at 8:57 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

"speaks even better Fluent Cat when drunk"
I fell for that line, too. But then i'm kinda slutty for the fluent cat speakers.
posted by readery at 8:58 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Okay, I just got married to her, just so I could get the California divorce. I don't like my numerous partners cheating on me. My lawyer will be issuing a lien on 50% of all her stuff shortly.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:59 PM on June 16

I first realized Metafilter was a cult when I checked my profile and discovered I had been clandestinely mass-married to 95,000 other people overnight. From there it was a short hop to blue robes (with #CCCC00 belts), recumbent yoga poses, and the unending mantra "Ugh. Um. Actually. Really?"

Metafilter: putting the cabal in kabbalah.
posted by milquetoast at 9:01 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

We really should extend XFN to include “tater” as a contact relationship type.
posted by ijoshua at 9:02 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

"Actually, that whole thing is a web standard called XFN."

And this whole thread is an example of the incredibly mind-boggingly stupid design flaw of XFN (and it's hafl-wit cousin, FOAF): It assumes everyone is teling the objective truth.

It has no way to disagree with an assertion ("No, he's not my spouse," or even "No, we're not friends.") and no way to rate the trustworthiness of individuals ("She's telling the truth; he isn't."). You would think that geeks who spend as much time as XFN's creators seem to would have learned a lesson from HTML "meta tags," but apparently they didn't. Assuming trustworthiness for self-ceated metatdata is stupid.

XFN always has been, and always will be, a source of undependable metadata. Best not to take is seriously.
posted by faster than a speeding bulette at 9:04 PM on June 16 [6 favorites has favorites]

I was feeling left out, so I married my old MeFi account.

Ohhh, kinky. *marries lore*
posted by deborah at 9:07 PM on June 16

How is it that jessamyn can get away with being married 11 times?

Have you met jessamyn? It seems utterly plausible to me.
posted by desuetude at 9:11 PM on June 16 [6 favorites has favorites]

Best not to take is seriously.

No shit.

Alia, I think your husband only has reason to worry if you start marking others as spouses. Even then, all he should worry about is that you take utterly pointless friend tags on a website way too fucking seriously.
posted by graventy at 9:13 PM on June 16 [6 favorites has favorites]

I want spouses! Line up, people.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:13 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Where is the "Sloppy Seconds" tag?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:16 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

posted by ThePinkSuperhero I want spouses! Line up, people.

I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big, it's gonna make you puke!
posted by mattdidthat at 9:18 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

We were all fighting for a week, and now, to patch things up, we're proposing.

This is the vastest dysfunctional relationship ever.
posted by palliser at 9:18 PM on June 16 [11 favorites has favorites]

I found marriage to be overrated, but I would love for all of you to be my sibling sweethearts.
posted by little e at 9:20 PM on June 16

This is the vastest dysfunctional relationship ever.

Just wait until we get bored with each other and start having babies to keep things interesting.
posted by donnagirl at 9:21 PM on June 16

OMG I HAZ NEW SPOUSES!!

(so far I have spoused rtha and gingerbeer. Who else?)
posted by special-k at 9:25 PM on June 16

This is the vastest dysfunctional relationship ever.

just imagine all the relationship askmes we're going to get
posted by needled at 9:25 PM on June 16

I am totally not getting involved in this. I list someone as a spouse and the next thing I know, I've got a crazy wife hitting every button in my building and telling my superintendent that I'm a whore.
posted by jrossi4r at 9:30 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

just imagine all the relationship askmes we're going to get

"How to Be An Adult In Fake Internet Relationships"
posted by palliser at 9:30 PM on June 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

Ok, who's picking me up from the airport?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:32 PM on June 16

Anonymous's ask.me questions are going to be so much more complicated after all of this.
posted by Ms. Saint at 9:32 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Metafilter: the vastest dysfunctional relationship ever.

(also, I speak cat-alan for any prospective suitors/suitorettes out there)
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 9:34 PM on June 16

I've got a crazy wife hitting every button in my building and telling my superintendent that I'm a whore.

Baby, why do you call me crazy when all I'm trying to do is love you?

whore
posted by donnagirl at 9:35 PM on June 16 [10 favorites has favorites]

Personally, I cultivate as many mefi spouses, sweethearts and crushes as I can possibly get. Go nuts, folks! /definitely attention whoring
posted by SassHat at 9:36 PM on June 16

(also, I speak cat-alan for any prospective suitors/suitorettes out there)
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth

I married you just for that username. Now I am HopperFan Lipstick Thespian a womble is an active kind of sloth.
posted by HopperFan at 9:37 PM on June 16

As a gay person, St. Alia, I happen to be bestowed with the magical ability to render heterosexual marriages utterly meaningless. Message me privately and we'll work something out.
posted by hermitosis at 9:38 PM on June 16 [75 favorites has favorites]

wow, there I was having a dull night at work, and now suddenly, I have some new acquaintancespousecontactcolleaguefriendco-residentspousemusecrushdates !!!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:40 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

special-k just married me, and loquacious has a crush on me. Oh my. It's warm in here.
posted by mattdidthat at 9:48 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

If 500 users "spouse" me, I will delete hermitosis's account.
No I won't. yes I will, no I won't, NO! I won't.
posted by not_on_display at 9:51 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

*clears throat*

Every Other Metafilter User, it's been a while now since we met over tea. We've had our rough times, sure, like when I called someone a fuckwad and someone else asked if I was high or just stupid. But now, I ... I ... I don't even remember who that was, or when it was, or if I deserved it. So let's just say: we're here now, we love each other. Or we are at least indifferent toward one another, which was good enough for people in the olden days. And if I had a completely messed-up relationship question, you'd feel just a little sorry for me through your enjoyment reading about it.

So ...

Marry me?
posted by palliser at 9:52 PM on June 16

I would like to hear some internet marriage proposals from y'allz.

Here's one for Pink Superhero:

Triangle-head, I know you and I know we've known each other for a long time. But we've never really known each other in the way that marrying someone on the internet means. I want to change all that tonight, Triangle-head. I want to make you my internet spouse, for real this time, I mean it. I've changed, Pink. I just came back here tonight to tell you that.

You can throw me out if you want, Pink. It's all I deserve. But I'm a changed man and I want to click in the little box to make it legal between us, alright? Tell your mom she's wrong about me, tell your friends. Tell the whole damn town!

Because Pinksuperhero, we were meant to be. All that coding on this site doesn't mean a hill of beans in this crazy old world, but we have each other. And the edit function - but we won't need the edit function, Triangle-head. We....we'll be fine this time.

I swear.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 9:52 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'm everybody's wife #48758.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:58 PM on June 16

Triangle-head

I would like to hear a proposal to Pyramid Head.
posted by cortex at 10:02 PM on June 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

mmm triangle head....
posted by yodelingisfun at 10:04 PM on June 16

I'm everybody's wife #48758.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:58 PM on June 16 [+] [!]

Whatever, kim. I am hurt that you haven't wived/husbanded me.
posted by special-k at 10:05 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

If I could favorite every comment you make more than once, I would special-k. Is that not enough?
posted by iamkimiam at 10:09 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh, and I love that you used my simple name. So endearing, I might just MeMarry you after all!
posted by iamkimiam at 10:11 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

awww (feeling rather warm tonight).
posted by special-k at 10:12 PM on June 16

Actually, I think this is an interesting issue which really does deserve to be thought through in an open Meta thread. Too bad about the pile on.
posted by Chuckles at 10:19 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

x (where x ∈ X and X is a set of everyone not married to me), will you marry me?
posted by daniel_charms at 10:21 PM on June 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

For a while I thought it was fun to link to some of my contacts as both sibling and crush. I hope they didn't mind...

I was flattered and amused, at first. Now I plan on submitting your name if I ever need a lung or kidney.

Regarding the issue at hand - while the obviously sarcastic contacts I have don't bother me, I can understand how a bad-faith action like that, however small and petty, could get under one's skin.

And really, do the people doing it now want to be in the same league as these guys?
I think probably not.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:26 PM on June 16

I'm such a fuckin' queerboat kinky swinger that the mere thought of marrying my internet friends like MY MOTHER DID incidentally, makes me woozily faint and I immediately lurch for the gin, weed, cat o' nine, sheet latex, velcro playsheets, anal-eze, poppers and Lords of Acid records on vinyl. Okay it's a long, gin-soaked lurch. But the night, oh she eez moshe, moshe longer mon cherie. (Did you always want a dominatrix who spoke lolcat?)

So, not the marryin' kind. But I'll "crush" on a chosen few. (And on video and in fabulous footwear for a small gratuity.) I should add a few of you.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:40 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't have any Metafilter spouses, but I'm OK with that provided I get one before I'm 30.

I can't BEAR to be an old maid!
posted by schroedinger at 10:48 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm such a fuckin' queerboat kinky swinger that the mere thought of marrying my internet friends like MY MOTHER DID incidentally, makes me woozily faint and I immediately lurch for the gin, weed, cat o' nine, sheet latex, velcro playsheets, anal-eze, poppers and Lords of Acid records on vinyl. Okay it's a long, gin-soaked lurch. But the night, oh she eez moshe, moshe longer mon cherie. (Did you always want a dominatrix who spoke lolcat?)

So, not the marryin' kind. ...

Soooooo.... a hipster?

Don't hurt me!
posted by katillathehun at 10:50 PM on June 16

Aargh.
posted by Item at 10:51 PM on June 16

I'm such a fuckin' queerboat kinky swinger that the mere thought of marrying my internet friends like MY MOTHER DID incidentally, makes me woozily faint and I immediately lurch for the gin, weed, cat o' nine, sheet latex, velcro playsheets, anal-eze, poppers and Lords of Acid records on vinyl. Okay it's a long, gin-soaked lurch. But the night, oh she eez moshe, moshe longer mon cherie. (Did you always want a dominatrix who spoke lolcat?)

I'm not sure what that all even means, but I'm crushing on it!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:54 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh man, if you don't like having "spouse" under contact type, you should be glad you can't see what I wrote about you right there on your profile page in big letters.

FAR more scandalous.
posted by paisley henosis at 11:01 PM on June 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

why isnt there a category for EXwife

just for chuckles
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:03 PM on June 16

why isnt there a category for EXwife

Because, just think about it - there's no way this would end well.
posted by daniel_charms at 11:14 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I will exchange internetual favors for spousehood. You got any cats you need lol'd or whales you need failed, I'm your gal.
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 11:21 PM on June 16

I find my lack of wives disturbing.

* Force-chokes nearby Imperial Commander *

* heavy breathing *

This bickering is pointless. The mods will provide us with the location of the rebel base and we will crush the rebellion with one swift stroke.... huh? Oh, sorry, I kinda spaced out there.
posted by GuyZero at 11:22 PM on June 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Now that you mention it, a contact category "hipster" would probably be the most revolutionary thing to happen to the social dynamic of this site ever. Heads asploding left and right. MeTa threads interweaving in rich suffocating tapestries of hypertext and taterful bile. Sweeaterpuppies and bonzai kittens living toether. I love it.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:22 PM on June 16

Hey is there some way we can set this anonymous up on a date with this anonymous?
posted by little e at 11:28 PM on June 16

185 comments and I've got no new spouses?! *cries*

/always a bridesmaid
posted by Space Kitty at 11:49 PM on June 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

We're all in this together, people.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:02 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Look at these guys, Colton. No sheep is safe tonight.
posted by tellurian at 12:05 AM on June 17

I knew the iMarry app in iPhone OS 3.0 was trouble!
posted by lukemeister at 12:10 AM on June 17

You people are crazy. Half of your spontaneous internet be-spousals will end in spontaneous internet divorces anyways. And most of those probably tomorrow morning when you wake up and see him/her/them/us in the light of day and wonder "Good god, what have I/we/they done?" Seriously, serial monogamy is the way to go.
posted by sambosambo at 12:10 AM on June 17

I don't want an e-spouse, but would someone be willing to be my e-ex-spouse? We could fight in front of the kids on the holidays and have drunken, self-shaming, co-dependent sex once a year when one of us is in town on business.
posted by Mikey-San at 12:30 AM on June 17

Is this the thread where you can get a spouse?
posted by Skyanth at 12:44 AM on June 17

i feel like you people aren't taking the institution of internet marriage seriously.
posted by empath at 12:50 AM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

I am shocked - shocked! - that the MeFi contacts system reproduces the patriarchal norms of capital. No God, No Boss, No Husband.
posted by Abiezer at 12:55 AM on June 17

Oh yes, looking at this in the light of day will be amazing.

So do I look soulfully at the keyboard or the screen as I propose to the crowd gathered here?
posted by Pronoiac at 1:03 AM on June 17

Queerboat kinky swinger,
Who could hang a name on you?
posted by lore at 1:10 AM on June 17 [5 favorites has favorites]

An open marriage proposal:

I honestly feel that we have a future together so I gotta tell you a couple of things. A) Heroin will always be number one and therefore you will always be number two. B) Anything you bring into the relationship such as ipods, TVs, and the like, will be sold for heroin. And last but not certainly least, I have the tendency to sleep in the corner in the fetal position, covered in my own puke. Now, having said all that, I think it's time I tell you the bad news.

There's another woman: Tracy. We've seen each other on and off for the past 7 years, and we've broken up 12 times now. And every time i do break up with her i have a pattern of seeing other women for about two months then I go back to Tracy. But this time I honestly feel that we've broken up for good and I will never see her again. but please understand I've said this 11 times, and I always go back to her anyway.

Well the heroin's in your court-, BALL! I mean the ball's in your court. You know, I look at you and I think you're beautiful. Then my mind wanders to Tracy. Tracy and smack. No, smack then Tracy.
posted by stavrogin at 1:10 AM on June 17 [23 favorites has favorites]

Half of your spontaneous internet be-spousals will end in spontaneous internet divorces anyways. And most of those probably tomorrow morning when you wake up and see him/her/them/us in the light of day and wonder "Good god, what have I/we/they done?"

So long as everyone takes a shower, I don't see what the big deal is.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:13 AM on June 17

Metafilter touched me in the bathing suit area.
posted by bardic at 1:14 AM on June 17

RESPECT TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE!! 1 ROBOT + 1 OCTOPUS!!!
posted by sambosambo at 1:15 AM on June 17

Is this the thread where you can get a spouse?

Comrade, have I got a Russian mail-order bride for you.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:16 AM on June 17

Metafilter touched me in the bathing suit area.

"front bottom"
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:17 AM on June 17

You are all my internet wives.

However, I have recently angered my actual-in-real-life wife.
posted by Jofus at 1:21 AM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

Everyone needs a ~~hug~~ wife?
posted by nat at 1:43 AM on June 17

(Is this where I report that a friend of mine seriously investigated the "Russian bride" thing? I didn't really know what to say when he told me.)

For all of you newly marrieds, a helpful guide.
posted by maxwelton at 1:45 AM on June 17

> You are all my internet wives.

I'm imagining that in a Papa Lazarou voice.
posted by Electric Dragon at 1:46 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Abiezer, why do you insist using politics to deny our spousal unity?
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 1:49 AM on June 17

Dearest Metafilter, it's all on a plate for us.
posted by urban greeting at 1:50 AM on June 17

I'm desperate mandyman, and basically clutching at any and every straw in a bid to escape my commitments. Isn't that what politics is all about?
posted by Abiezer at 1:52 AM on June 17

I'm imagining that in a Papa Lazarou voice.

yes! now can all the names be changed to dave?
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:09 AM on June 17

Screw Mefi spouses. I want a MeFi male harem.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:21 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

....Okay, women can share the harem, but I get to run the place.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:22 AM on June 17

*wakes up, looks around*

You know, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:45 AM on June 17

The cornerstone to every successful, open marriage is ~~talk~~ Metatalk.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:47 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

So, spouse is sacrosanct, but saint is fair game?

Baffled unmarried athiest seeks sibling crushes for explication and maybe more.
posted by carbide at 2:56 AM on June 17 [12 favorites has favorites]

why isnt there a category for EXwife
Because, just think about it - there's no way this would ~~end well~~wendell.
Because my CrazyExWife taught St. Alia all she knows... regretfully for MetaFilter.

And if anybody tries to list ME as a spouse, I'm going to help bust my Ex out of her institutional housing and deliver her to your front door.

So, spouse is sacrosanct, but saint is fair game?
carbide wins the thread.

BTW, the aforementioned Ralph actually once sent me a message via the "contact" form on my personal blog, and while it was a very interesting proposition, I REALLY don't swing that way. (He was offering to save my soul, spiritually; so many entertaining ways that can be interpreted)

A year-and-a-half ago I made my own addleheaded MeTa post regarding the Contacts categories, and it did not wendell either. Since then I learned that they are even less than meaningless and any attempt to interpret why somebody else clicked the boxes they did will lead to madness. Still, I have removed all the mostly-sarcastic categories I had previously checked (matt, I am no longer calling you 'dad') and if I ever categorize anyone as "Crush", know that I mean it like Red Robot in Diesel Sweeties.
posted by wendell at 3:04 AM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

I want a spouse, but only if its klangklangston, because he's sexy.
posted by Justinian at 3:10 AM on June 17

So is mathowie going to walk us all down the aisle individually or do we just bumrush the altar?
posted by minifigs at 3:48 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

OK, rtha, we're married now on account of your being able to identify a sparrowhawk from 6000 miles away (sorry gingerbeer!) and I married jessamyn because I think "I married jessamyn" would be an excellent title for a sitcom. Since I strongly believe in showing my support of opposite marriage, I have also married hermitosis and languagehat. It's going to be quite the honeymoon.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 3:55 AM on June 17

Wendell, are you sure that was Ralph? I don't remember him ever doing that-as far as I know he doesn't even know you exist?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:01 AM on June 17

I wish that "other" were an option.....
posted by brujita at 4:10 AM on June 17

Oh, let me retract that-I just asked him and he did. He said it was years ago. I honestly do not recall it tho.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:11 AM on June 17

I want a spouse, but only if its klangklangston, because he's sexy.

Just FYI, you made me cry Justinian.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:21 AM on June 17

St. Alia of the Bunnies: Oh, let me retract that-I just asked him and he did. He said it was years ago. I honestly do not recall it tho.

Why would you? It was a message sent from your husband to wendell. Can we all expect to be saved upon Ralph's arrival?
posted by gman at 4:32 AM on June 17

To the moon, Alices!
posted by Divine_Wino at 4:37 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Goddamn, I hate it when I go to bed early. I totes slept through all the weddings. I'm like Muriel's mom or something.
posted by shiu mai baby at 4:39 AM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

So when do I get my internet conjugal rights?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:40 AM on June 17

To put in plainly, I am genuinely curious why your husband sent someone he doesn't know a message - offering to save him?
posted by gman at 4:53 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

in = it
posted by gman at 4:54 AM on June 17

gman: Who doesn't want a good, long, and hard saving once in a while?
posted by Justinian at 5:06 AM on June 17

I am genuinely curious why your husband sent someone he doesn't know a message - offering to save him?

If you believed someone you didn't know was going to get left behind while the rest of us were swept up in the rapture, wouldn't you want to save them as well?

Letting people burn in hell out of ignorance is a most unChristian thing to do.

Now about those conjugal rights...

"If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing or her conjugal rights." Exodus 21:10

Fear not, my new spouses. I've got enough passion to satisfy all of my internet wives conjugal needs. I *know* my Christian duties and I take the sacrament of internet marriage very seriously.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:16 AM on June 17

gman: Who doesn't want a good, long, and hard saving once in a while?

If your Ralph salvation lasts more than 4 hours, ~~call your doctor~~ post to MeTa.
posted by jerseygirl at 5:22 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

The hardest part of internet marriage is coming out to your parents.
posted by DU at 5:25 AM on June 17

Also, you can tell Ralph I have no interest in his newsletter. Or is it conceited of me to think I'm on his Internet Personages That Need Saving ASAP list?
posted by DU at 5:28 AM on June 17

I just love the name Ralph. Does he have a MeFi account? I'll totally spouse him.
posted by jerseygirl at 5:30 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Hi.

My name is Brandon and I'm a spousoholic.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:31 AM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

Or as Tom Waits says, I know a girl who's been married so often she has rice marks all over her face.

And as George Strait says, I've got so many exes and owe so much I oughta be on Hollywood Squares.

I mean, it's been 2 or 3 whole days since there's been a MeTa all about one particular member. It's hard when you just have to be the center of attention.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:31 AM on June 17

Ralph: I'd spouse it.
posted by gman at 5:35 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

I knew this was going to happen as soon as gays could get married in Iowa! Fox news was right!

It's in Revelations, people!!!
posted by JoanArkham at 5:41 AM on June 17

*wakes up*

YAY! I have wives!
posted by elfgirl at 5:47 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

gman: Who doesn't want a good, long, and hard saving once in a while?

Don't make me Ralph.
posted by gman at 5:58 AM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout.....
posted by readery at 6:00 AM on June 17

Is there any love left for me? I'm a girl with glasses who loves comic books, who once worked in a library, and has two cats. How am I still MeFi single?
posted by Four-Eyed Girl at 6:06 AM on June 17

I would very much like no spouses, but I will take as many 'kin crushes' as I can get. YEEEE HAW!
posted by WinnipegDragon at 6:06 AM on June 17

I posted a very similar MeTa back in my "fresh off the longboat" days.

I ended up with three spouses, and an endless number of siblings/muses/childhood crushes - some of which overlapped.

Oddly, the MeFite who *was* my real spouse at the time is the only one who no longer is listed as such. Funny that.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:07 AM on June 17

I would internet-marry you all, if I could, but frankly I'm holding out for a website that makes more money, and doesn't speak a word of English.
posted by steef at 6:07 AM on June 17

As an incentive to anyone who'll spouse me, if you do you can't be compelled to testify against me at least in our little make-believe world if not the real one not that there's anything to testify about, mind you.
posted by scalefree at 6:18 AM on June 17

I'm holding out for a website that makes more money, and doesn't speak a word of English.

A Russian porn site? Well, can't fault that logic.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:19 AM on June 17

Metafilter: Suffocating tapestries of hypertext and taterful bile.
posted by applemeat at 6:21 AM on June 17

I won't get MeFi married until all my fellow MeFites can get married.

Oh wait.
posted by shiu mai baby at 6:27 AM on June 17

Hey guys, just a quick heads-up: I am not married to SAotB. I hope none of you were confused by that. We did not have a glorious ceremony in front of our friends and family, with flowers and dancing - oh, such dancing! - and we certainly did not tenderly but ravenously consummate our union on a bed of rose petals at my cousin's Terry's place in the Poconos.
posted by Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme at 6:29 AM on June 17 [18 favorites has favorites]

who once worked in a library

God no, I can't condone that sort of thing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:34 AM on June 17

I'm holding out for a website that makes more money, and doesn't speak a word of English.

http://estou-em-seu-website-comprando-seu-viagra.com
posted by sleevener at 6:35 AM on June 17

Always the MeFi bridesmaid, never the MeFi bride.....

*sobs amongst cinders*
posted by freya_lamb at 6:47 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

taters here. hot, marriageable taters.
posted by soft and hardcore taters at 6:48 AM on June 17

True story: Metafilter was founded by Mormons trying to escape religious persecution for their belief in polygamy. ST. ALIA I CHOOSE YOU FOR A CELESTIAL BRIDE.
posted by Ryvar at 6:56 AM on June 17

I have a number of contacts who list me as "crush".

I take this as sign of my ability to project my immense virility over TCP/IP
posted by The Whelk at 7:01 AM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

isn't calling someone your spouse when they don't want to be associated with you in that manner a form of sexual harassment?
posted by pyramid termite at 7:01 AM on June 17

Actually, I think this is an interesting issue which really does deserve to be thought through in an open Meta thread. Too bad about the pile on.

Feel free to use contacts the way they were meant to be used, and enjoy the 'recent activity' sidebar to your hearts content. Or you can fuck around with them, and hide the sidebar. Your choice. Personally, I recommend using contacts and the sidebar as a stalker, following people you hate from thread to thread, mercilessly disagreeing with their every post.
posted by graventy at 7:02 AM on June 17

isn't calling someone your spouse when they don't want to be associated with you in that manner a form of sexual harassment?

Maybe in the real world. If you think that's sexual harassment on the internet, I admire your innocence.
posted by graventy at 7:02 AM on June 17

Wow. I'm so late to this spousefest... but I've been spousing away! Are we all moving to Utah now and taking up residence in a compound? Will there be a chart for who spends time with whom? I don't like folding laundry, but I sure do a mean bathroom cleaning.
posted by sadiehawkinstein at 7:06 AM on June 17

if it's sexual harassment in the real world, it is here
posted by pyramid termite at 7:08 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I take this as sign of my ability to project my immense virility over TCP/IP

I'm pretty sure there's an RFC for that.
posted by namewithoutwords at 7:09 AM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

Your husband is Ralph of the Bunnies?

When/if St. Alia's husband does join, I SO hope he picks that for his user name. Please, please, please.
posted by marsha56 at 7:09 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

It's a little odd to have made this post considering you married three more dudes since last night.
posted by gman at 7:10 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have a number of contacts who list me as "crush".
I take this as sign of my ability to project my immense virility over TCP/IP
posted by The Whelk

It might be a sign that a number of people enjoy crushing whelks.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:11 AM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

isn't calling someone your spouse when they don't want to be associated with you in that manner a form of sexual harassment?

Spouses have sex?
posted by DU at 7:15 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I love myself too much so I am going to marry myself.
posted by govtdrone at 7:17 AM on June 17

isn't calling someone your spouse when they don't want to be associated with you in that manner a form of sexual harassment?
posted by pyramid termite at 7:01 AM on June 17

I agree with you. By wordlessly checking a box on a web form, and nothing else, I have caused another person untold grief and indescribable agony. I am a monster who should be locked up forever. You are the smartest person on MetaFilter.
posted by Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme at 7:19 AM on June 17 [12 favorites has favorites]

Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme! get back in this demensional crystal RIGHT NOW or so help me Many Gods!
posted by The Whelk at 7:22 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Huh, so I just found out that I have no internet spouses, but meatbomb lives with me.

I hope he cleans up the basement soon.
posted by yhbc at 7:22 AM on June 17

This is the dumbest MeTa in, what? Forever?
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:23 AM on June 17 [10 favorites has favorites]

In a way, doesn't Meatbomb live with us all?
posted by The Whelk at 7:24 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Wait 'til you see how many husbands Ralph gets after he signs up. Two words: Man Harem.
posted by The Straightener at 7:27 AM on June 17 [6 favorites has favorites]

Manrem?
posted by The Whelk at 7:28 AM on June 17

I prefer to think of it as Ralph's Wiggum.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:30 AM on June 17 [12 favorites has favorites]

Your husband is Ralph of the Bunnies?

When/if St. Alia's husband does join, I SO hope he picks that for his user name. Please, please, please.

Seconded and yes please times a zillion. Every time he'd post I would immediately think of Ralphie in a bunny suit. I would never, ever, ever stop laughing. This could be his avatar and everything! BA-RILLIUNT.
posted by shiu mai baby at 7:31 AM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

We have spouses.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:31 AM on June 17

Brandon Blatcher just added me as a spouse so we no longer have to live in sin.

Honey, can you pick up the poppers for later? The other Husbands in the Manrem are running low
posted by The Whelk at 7:32 AM on June 17

I have hundreds, if not thousands, of Internet Roommates and you should see the hijinks we get into when Mr Roper comes down to see if we are living in sin.
posted by DU at 7:33 AM on June 17

and the sound of a thousand door-slamming farces echo through eternity.
posted by The Whelk at 7:38 AM on June 17

Guys, we better cool it. If Ralph finds out we've been marrying his wife, he might join and then mark us all as "Internet Feud Opponents" (and mark her as "Sleeping On The Couch").
posted by DU at 7:41 AM on June 17

Wait 'til you see how many husbands Ralph gets after he signs up. Two words: Man Harem.

Hey! I called dibs on that one!...
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:43 AM on June 17

I think this thread made me dumber.
posted by chunking express at 7:45 AM on June 17

I thought that sexual harrassment was based on the feelings of the victim, and could be pretty much anything.

(by the way, DU, nice tits!)
posted by Meatbomb at 7:45 AM on June 17

Suggested New Contact Descriptions:

Soul Mate

Chum

Well-wisher

Contemporary

Compatriot

Comrade

Eye-Candy

Peer

Mistress

Friend

Friend with Benefits
posted by The Whelk at 7:46 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

....How about "minion"?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:47 AM on June 17 [6 favorites has favorites]

Flunky.

Goon.

Hitman.
posted by The Whelk at 7:49 AM on June 17

I hope you're not all expecting gifts for these weddings, I'm flat broke.
posted by harriet vane at 7:49 AM on June 17

Honey, can you pick up the poppers for later? The other Husbands in the Manrem are running low

I'm not sure you're passed the background check yet. Have you gotten a security pass yet?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:50 AM on June 17

You have a couple months after the wedding to bestow a gift. SAIT.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:50 AM on June 17

you already have my fingerprints.

How you got them, I'll never know, but there you go.
posted by The Whelk at 7:52 AM on June 17

Hey, don't get a swelled head just because Meatbomb says he's your sibling. He sibbed me too, so clearly this dude will sib anybody. (Is anybody here not his sibling?)

Apart from that, all I've got is some "mets" and a few friend/acquaintances. I'm a good cook. Anybody interested?

*weeps alone in corner, quietly*
posted by Quietgal at 7:55 AM on June 17

/marks Meatbomb as Sexual Harasshat
posted by DU at 7:58 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Chum is one of those tricksy ones.
posted by jessamyn at 8:00 AM on June 17

no kidding
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:03 AM on June 17

I'm comfortable with the ambiguity.
posted by The Whelk at 8:03 AM on June 17

Wait, these aren't your fingers?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:04 AM on June 17

A good cook? I'm in! I'm a slob, but very good at remembering to pay the bills, and I make great cocktails.
posted by harriet vane at 8:05 AM on June 17

Ooh! I always wanted to get married so I could sit at home and let myself go!
posted by orange swan at 8:10 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

isn't calling someone your spouse when they don't want to be associated with you in that manner a form of sexual harassment?
posted by pyramid termite at 7:01 AM on June 17

What do we call it when someone doesn't want to be associated with a person who actually believes this in the context of this post? Batshitinsane harassment?
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:15 AM on June 17

harriet vane: "A good cook? I'm in! I'm a slob, but very good at remembering to pay the bills, and I make great cocktails."

We need a "from the same work of fiction" contact. You and me, mrzarquon and Slarty Bartfast...
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:18 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme, your agonizer, please.
posted by EarBucket at 8:22 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Don't forget pzarquon.
posted by mrzarquon at 8:23 AM on June 17

Mucker.
Both Chum and Pal were brands of dog meat when I was a youth.
posted by Abiezer at 8:30 AM on June 17

I hope you're not all expecting gifts for these weddings, I'm flat broke.

Right? With only 100 favorites a day, how are you supposed to make a real statement about which couplings (er... pairings? groupings?) you truly support?
posted by amelioration at 8:37 AM on June 17

SPOUSEZ PLEEZ
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 8:37 AM on June 17

IF IT'S ON THE INTERNET IT MUST BE TRUE!
posted by klangklangston at 8:37 AM on June 17

So when I mark someone as crush because I've totally destroyed them I'm doing it wrong?
posted by Sailormom at 8:39 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Biga-you? I'm the one with two wives!
posted by klangklangston at 8:42 AM on June 17

/needs more spousery
posted by desuetude at 8:43 AM on June 17

enspouselment?
posted by desuetude at 8:43 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

spouseuetude?
posted by desuetude at 8:44 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Everyone got their Metafilter-buddy?

/coyly holds hands with Terrapin
posted by Jofus at 8:45 AM on June 17

*collects internet alimony*

So that's what I've been doing wrong. I've been collecting internet acrimony.
posted by Eideteker at 8:47 AM on June 17 [7 favorites has favorites]

Spouses! I haz dem!

Metafilter is not a community property state. So no worries about me taking half of your favorites when we break up.
posted by jerseygirl at 8:50 AM on June 17

Have I missed my chance? Will I die, unloved and alone, and WITHOUT A METAFILTER SPOUSE? Woe betide me!

*sob*
posted by ocherdraco at 8:50 AM on June 17

I'm laughing so hard at this thread that I'm weeping real tears. Tears of firey and endless damnation, of course, but tears nonetheless.

I've spent my quiet, mostly-lurky time on Metafilter wondering what this "contacts" business is all about. And now I know. Now, I can redirect my attention away from keeping track of the taters, deep-fried chocolate pickles, and slippers-on-pedals to focus more properly on assembling a coven of Hellspouses. This is a good day.
posted by Hellgirl at 8:52 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

coven of Hellspouses

Hellspice.
posted by DU at 8:53 AM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

This thread is aggravating my acid reflux.
posted by Item at 8:55 AM on June 17

From the southeast chapter of the Legion of Doom, the evil Dr. Blatcher watches as the spouse army grows.

"Oh yes, GOP, oh yes," he cackles "Soon, SOON, my old foe, your worst nightmare will come true and my nefarious legions will spring forth, voguing from the shadows in a fearsome tidal wave of unnatural pairings and threesome and so-on-and-so-forthsomes. You can not stop us, we are many and you'll love it, we're baking cookies too!"

And then, with a fearsome sneer and voice dripping with unholy evil, he snarls "Vegan cookies."
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:58 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Is this where we ask for other options like arch enemy to be added to the catagories?

We need a NEMESIS category. Now that would be fun.

This is what "crush" is for. It's "people you'd like to crush," not "people you have a crush on."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:02 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Come to the Dark Side. We have vegan cookies.
posted by Big_B at 9:02 AM on June 17

We have spouses.
posted by The corpse in the library

Biblionecrophiliacs? Who knew?
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:08 AM on June 17

Sweet. Mass marriages are a great place to meet chicks, and this one doesn't even have some skeevy cult leader hogging the karaoke machine like the last one I went to.
posted by EatTheWeak at 9:10 AM on June 17 [5 favorites has favorites]

I used to be a sadistic, necrophiliac bestialist.

But I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
posted by yhbc at 9:11 AM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

Can we please add "fuck buddy" to the form?

We need a NEMESIS category. Now that would be fun.

Can we combine these to form "enemies with benefits"?
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:12 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Nemesex?

(I'll get my coat.)
posted by Jofus at 9:13 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

"Can we combine these to form "enemies with benefits"?"

We've already got a category called "spouse."
posted by klangklangston at 9:15 AM on June 17 [15 favorites has favorites]

Frenemies with bennies.
posted by iamabot at 9:30 AM on June 17

Is this the cruising thread?
posted by lunit at 9:32 AM on June 17

Wow. With all these people getting married, there must be some jilted MeFi brides out there. This is for them: It Should Have Been Me
posted by ob at 9:33 AM on June 17

Or
posted by ob at 9:35 AM on June 17

Wait, mathowie isn't a skeevy cult leader?
posted by lukemeister at 9:40 AM on June 17

*What are you going to talk to me about?
-I'm going to talk to you about whether you want to get married or not. To me.
*Ha ha ha. Hoo hoo hoo.
-I mean it.
*I know.
-Oh, well thanks a fucking bunch.
*I'm sorry. But two days ago you were in love with that girl who interviewed you for The Reader, weren't you?
-Not in love, exactly, but...
*Well forgive me if I don't think of you as the world's safest bet.
-Would you marry me if I was?
*No. Probably not.
-Right. Okay, then. Shall we go?
*Don't sulk. What brought all this on?
-I don't know.
*Very persuasive.
-Are you persuadable?
*No. I don't think so. I'm just curious about how one goes from making tapes for one person to marriage proposals to another in two days. Fair enough?
-Fair enough.
*So?
-I'm just sick of thinking about it all the time.
*About what?
-This stuff. Love and marriage. I want to think about something else.
*I've changed my mind. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. I do. I will.
-Shut up. I'm only trying to explain.
*I mean, maybe you're right. But were you really expecting me to say yes?
-I dunno. Didn't think about it, really. It was the asking that was the important thing.
*Well, you've asked.
-Thank you.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 9:43 AM on June 17 [5 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, but he's my skeevy cult leader.
posted by everichon at 9:44 AM on June 17

and this one doesn't even have some skeevy cult leader

Uh, hello?!? I'm standing right here, y'know?
posted by Meatbomb at 9:45 AM on June 17

I agree with you. By wordlessly checking a box on a web form, and nothing else, I have caused another person untold grief and indescribable agony. I am a monster who should be locked up forever. You are the smartest person on MetaFilter.
posted by Mirror-Universe Optimus Chyme

So are you the version with or without the goatee?

Either way, I wish you and your new bride many years of happiness.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:50 AM on June 17

My bad, your worship. Now, when were we supposed to donate our balls to the comet? I lost my planner during the last round of shaming rituals and initiation orgies.
posted by EatTheWeak at 9:50 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Is this the thread where I link to my friend's band?
posted by yarrow at 9:51 AM on June 17

All this time I thought cmonkey was my metafilter husband but on checking, it turns out he is only a friend coworker colleague muse crush. Dammit cmonkey! When did we break up?
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:53 AM on June 17

(He was offering to save my soul, spiritually; so many entertaining ways that can be interpreted)

What a boorish thing to do.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:56 AM on June 17

Oh and I'm marrying you, scody. That will add three more dogs to the mix which will hopefully work out way better than that personals ad I wrote one time that said looking for a guy with a truck, a guitar and a dog: it turns out the picture I have in my head of a guy like that is way, way different than the guys who would actually describe themselves like that. Compared to that, our four dog marriage should be awesome.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:56 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Look out, scody has mad AskMe RelationshipFilter skills.
posted by jessamyn at 9:57 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Bored now, downloading iPhone 3.0 update.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:28 AM on June 17

Heh. And now St. Alia has 7 spouses, just as jessamyn predicted.

This is one of the funniest threads I've ever read. Gotta love MeFi. :D

Seriously though, St. Alia? It sounds like a silly thing for your husband to be bothered about.
posted by zarq at 10:29 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I can't believe it took me so long to find this thread. Where have you been all my life?

Please say I'm not too late to steal *someone's* heart?!

Internet spouses! I needs them.
posted by misha at 10:30 AM on June 17

Get ready Misha, you're about to be spoused!
posted by jerseygirl at 10:32 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Because I have the clinical condition known as Evil Brain, I immediately suspected both that Alia has had inappropriate internet relationships before and that her husband is jealous and beats her.
posted by klangklangston at 10:32 AM on June 17 [7 favorites has favorites]

Oh, Ralph.
posted by jerseygirl at 10:33 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

SNORK. I just checked my profile. Brandon Blatcher is now my acquaintance, neighbor, AND spouse. Very efficient, that Brandon.
posted by lleachie at 10:33 AM on June 17

Woohoo! I am now one of the Housewives of New jerseygirl!
posted by misha at 10:34 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Always a MeFi bridesmaid, never a MeFi bride.
posted by sephira at 10:34 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you marry me, I'll give you twice as much respect

of course 2 x 0 is still 0
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 10:35 AM on June 17

Sephira: SPOUSED!
posted by jerseygirl at 10:35 AM on June 17

I will internet-marry anyone. I have neither taste nor shame.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:36 AM on June 17

MiltonRandKalman: I want to be spoused with that bandana!
posted by jerseygirl at 10:36 AM on June 17

I condemn this thread and so would the Pope if he knew about it. Hating on Internet Marriage is threatening the traditional institution of Hating on Gay Marriage.
posted by DU at 10:38 AM on June 17

I demand more She-Husbands and Man-Wenches!

Also, the perversion in this thread is astounding. Doesn't anyone belive in traditional Contact Adding any more? Contacting is a bond between a man and a woman, another man, some other guys, some girls, and possibly an alternate-universe clone. And it is *forever*. None of this "removing contacts" jazz that the kids are into these days. That's why when I die, all my contacts are welcome to join in the afterlife by being buried alive with me.
posted by The Whelk at 10:39 AM on June 17 [5 favorites has favorites]

Congrats jerseygirl, you're my new wife. Good thinking on updating your relationship status to "taken". Heywaitaminute...
posted by sephira at 10:41 AM on June 17

The Hellspicery has begun! Hellspice for everyone!

Is there a "spouse-thread spouse" option in the contact description field?
posted by Hellgirl at 10:43 AM on June 17

I just married klangklangston, which is something I've been meaning to get around to for a while now. But you know what? It won't let me put both spouse and kin. Unfair! I wish to reserve the right to marry my kin should I be so minded. And I suspect klangklangston is probably both, anyway.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:45 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Ooh, I know!! Can we also have a sex with ducks contact? Can one person be the duck and can the other be the sex with?
posted by ob at 10:48 AM on June 17

I've never added a single person as a contact, mainly because I don't even get what it's for. But I just noticed I've added 3 or 4 since yesterday, two of them spice! I'm gonna be in SUCH trouble when Ralph gets here!

(PS: I demand the immediate adoption of "when Ralph gets here" as the MetaFilter Debate Vague Future Threat. As in "this thread is going to be deleted when Ralph gets here" and "Mutant and Malor, you better shape up before Ralph gets here".)
posted by DU at 10:51 AM on June 17 [18 favorites has favorites]

Only if we can still keep the original format, DU. As in:

Mutant and Malor, you better shape up before Ralph gets here. Thar she blows!
posted by ob at 10:56 AM on June 17

*drops to one knee*

*proposes to 65,000 people*
posted by EatTheWeak at 10:56 AM on June 17

All this talk about Ralph and spousing has gotten this stuck in my head and it won't go away.
posted by sephira at 10:56 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Obama won't even let me get married on Metafilter. This pony sucks.

You're mine now, Pileon! Get me a beer!
posted by Mister_A at 11:00 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hey, can one of my spouses clean my bathroom, please? Because it needs cleaning but I don't really feel like it right now.
posted by rtha at 11:01 AM on June 17

Oh hi. It's taking a bit to download the update, so if you want me to pay attention to you, ok. You've got 47% of 6 minutes left
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:01 AM on June 17

Is Brandon Blatcher the spousiest? Can someone ascertain this?
posted by Mister_A at 11:02 AM on June 17

Hey BB I want to be a stay-at-home spouse, is that OK? We don't really need 102 incomes. We'll be OK with 101, and this way I can spend more time with the kids, by which I mean Bioshock.
posted by Mister_A at 11:03 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Would you spouse me? I'd spouse me. I'd spouse me hard.
posted by gman at 11:05 AM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

"Can I have a spouse?" she asked in a small voice.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:05 AM on June 17

Where's my internet harem?

That's where I'm a viking.

Wait a second...
posted by zennie at 11:06 AM on June 17

Thanks for the nightmares, gman. *shiver*
posted by shiu mai baby at 11:07 AM on June 17

OK, rtha, we're married now on account of your being able to identify a sparrowhawk from 6000 miles away

I've married you right back, Your Time Machine Sucks.
posted by rtha at 11:08 AM on June 17

Welcome to the family, mudpuppie! I hope you don't mind if I have sex with other people, though.
posted by Mister_A at 11:08 AM on June 17

You're mine now, Pileon! Get me a beer

My mom warned me about you!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:09 AM on June 17

She was right!
posted by Mister_A at 11:10 AM on June 17

"MUDPUPPIE, I HAVE SPOUSED YOU," SHE SHOUTED BACK.
posted by rtha at 11:10 AM on June 17

Hey Blazecock, you know that package I sent you? You owe me. Sign the papers and lets Pileon.
posted by The Whelk at 11:12 AM on June 17

"Will you be mine?" Tom espoused.
posted by DU at 11:12 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Mudpuppie - SPOUSED!
posted by EatTheWeak at 11:16 AM on June 17

Would you spouse me? I'd spouse me. I'd spouse me hard.

Q: You like spousing? You are a person who likes the spousing acts that we are currently engaged in?
A: Yes! I am! I like spousing!
posted by sephira at 11:17 AM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

We're going to need t-shirts.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:21 AM on June 17

and rings. Lots and lots of rings.
posted by The Whelk at 11:22 AM on June 17

and a bigger hot tub
posted by DU at 11:23 AM on June 17

"spousing makes me feel good" should be engraved in the rings or printed on the shirts
posted by EatTheWeak at 11:24 AM on June 17

Your wife--is she a spouser? Knowwhattamean?
posted by elfgirl at 11:25 AM on June 17

Oh, say no more!
posted by Mister_A at 11:26 AM on June 17

Internet Marriage is all well and good but Internet Key Parties are where the real action is at.
posted by minifigs at 11:29 AM on June 17

Hey Blazecock, you know that package I sent you? You owe me. Sign the papers and lets Pileon.

Signed, sealed and almost delivered.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:29 AM on June 17

This is the first time I've spoused. Please be gentle.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:30 AM on June 17

Hellspice.

Soooo tell me what you want what you really really want
I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
Tell me what you want what you really really want
I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
I want FIRE AND BRIMSTONE!!!!!!!
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:30 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Spouse is a funny word. It's almost like spaz.
posted by Mister_A at 11:31 AM on June 17

rtha said:
I've married the same mefite four times already, but I'm only allowed to check one "spouse" category! Y'all are anti-multiple-gay-wedding-gifts, aren't you? I knew it!

I have this fancy that maybe if you real-marry one mefite four times, and then you mefi-marry 4-to-the-4th mefites one time each, maybe you trigger the formation of some sort of awesome matrimonial mefi tesseract and then we all get to go adventuring through space and time. The proposed phenomenon would also unlock a hitherto unknown part of the site known as MeMarryMe (aka "the white," aka "the professional white") and causes all 80,000+ of us to suddenly be covered by each other's insurance. Or maybe it just causes us all to be covered by anildash's insurance.

In aid of exploring this further, I have gone ahead and mefi-married you. And then I mefi-married gingerbeer, because you know, in for a penny, in for a pound.

And then I mefi-married some other people, because who can stop at two?

And then I saw that me real spouse never bothered to spouse me on Mefi, and I wept a single, tiny, crystalline tear. Which I was forced to hide from my coworkers, along with my mefi-browsing.

posted by palmcorder_yajna at 11:31 AM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

This is the first time I've spoused. Please be gentle.

Ok, but only because you've been saving yourself for that special person. Who am I kidding? I'm gonna spouse the shit out of you in a minute.
posted by gman at 11:33 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I went ahead and married rtha. I think I'm done, unless someone really hot comes along.
posted by Mister_A at 11:36 AM on June 17

Too late Mister_A, you're my spouse now.
posted by sephira at 11:37 AM on June 17

we all get to go adventuring through space and time.

Whatya mean get to. I'm moving sideways through the Velvet Spacetime as we speak.

You may now address me as The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon

Filling out forms is going to become quite an adventure.
posted by The Whelk at 11:38 AM on June 17

Look out, scody has mad AskMe RelationshipFilter skills.

Oh, man. I guess this means that in order not to be a total hypocrite, I have to listen respectfully to, like, half a dozen ~~idiot jerkface~~ sweet, awesome spouses talk about their ~~stupid~~ deep and valid feelings now, doesn't it?

Crap.

*resolves to stop trying to give good RelationshipFilter advice*
posted by scody at 11:41 AM on June 17

At least I'll be able to remember our anniversary, sephira.
posted by Mister_A at 11:41 AM on June 17

Everybody now:

Who're the men or women joined in
Mass polygamy?

emm ee aitch
eff aye eee
spuh oh you ess ee

Yes we've barely met but be my
Husband number three

emm ee aitch
eff aye eee
spuh oh you ess ee

MEFI SPOUSE!
MEFI SPOUSE!

Forever let us let our freak flags
FLY! THIGH! LET'S GET HIGH!

Come along with thong or dong for
Polyan-duh-ree

emm ee aitch
eff aye eee
spuh oh you ess ee
posted by cortex at 11:42 AM on June 17 [14 favorites has favorites]

I'm not going to the Internet Key Party if Fark is there. You don't even want to know what they're into.
posted by JoanArkham at 11:42 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Henceforth known as the Great Spousing Thread of 2009.
posted by Pax at 11:42 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

All right, spouses and outer spouse-of-a-spouse network - it's time to start sorting out the reception music and nominate buffet ice-sculpture subjects.
posted by EatTheWeak at 11:46 AM on June 17

Scody's most favorited AskMe comment.

Scody's most favorited AskMe comment that pertains to relationships.

A+++++ SPOUSE!!!!!!!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:46 AM on June 17

One of my favorite Mitchell and Webb radio bits was the honest wedding vows sketch. Among other things it included "You're thicker than me, and I quite like that."

Are any of you thicker than me? Because I quite like that.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 11:46 AM on June 17

We're all in deep shit when Ralph gets here.
posted by jerseygirl at 11:47 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

A toast to my new spouses Brandon Blatcher and jerseygirl, on our wedding day:

The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.

But I shall try to tell you how much you mean to me: the hours I spend with you on Metafilter I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. The two of you alone make me feel that I am alive. Others, it is said, have seen angels, but I have seen you both and you are enough.

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. If you both live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have,
for both are infinite.

To my internet husband, and my internet wife: how fortunate I am to be, with both of you, joined in meta-matrimony.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:48 AM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

WHAT
THE
FUCK
METAFILTER?

This is what I get for sleeping in. I miss the damn chain marriage orgy.

Gah, why are my feet all sticky? And... ok, I don't want to know what's in my hair, and both of my hands smell like strawberry lube. And my knees!? AAAAUGH. You people are sick! Depraved!

You better have taken pictures or video, damnit! I want to see them!
posted by loquacious at 11:52 AM on June 17

Oh, say no more!
posted by Mister_A at 2:26 PM

...mon amour?
posted by desuetude at 11:52 AM on June 17

I thought I was done marrying mefites, but then cortex came along with that song and I thought, what's the harm in one more...

Also, since marriage is forever, I'll have plenty of time to disabuse him of the notion that it's Meh-fie.
posted by donnagirl at 11:52 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Make that The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak.

Also, co-worker? You're on the other side of the continent, dude. Unless you're the guy who fixes my Crystal Chamber Matrix. In which case, honey, it needs a new Breathing Hyperdrive. The mouse is getting tired.
posted by The Whelk at 11:56 AM on June 17

A+++++ SPOUSE!!!!!!!

Yes, that's right! For those of you who marry me, you will get to gaze upon several original Chuck Jones sketches, and when you declare that you will love me forever because of it, I will reply sweetly that all relationships end, either by separation or death.

Then: cocktails!
posted by scody at 11:56 AM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

[Confidential to my new spouse palmcorder_yajna: I had not noticed our espousal at the time I wrote the above toast to my other meta-spouses. Consider it a toast to you, too!]
posted by ocherdraco at 11:56 AM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Fuck y'all and your crazy fakey internet marriages, cheapening the sanctity of a blessed institution.

I, for one, am keeping it REAL: Spinster and proud, bitches.
posted by shiu mai baby at 11:59 AM on June 17

No sweat - I'll grab one next time I swing through the Infinite Factory. What's for dinner?
posted by EatTheWeak at 11:59 AM on June 17

Mastodon in a Cryptosause. Don't ask what's in it. The waveform will collapse and all the zing comes from the particle/wave probability.
posted by The Whelk at 12:02 PM on June 17

I, for one, am keeping it REAL: Spinster and proud, bitches.

Nope. Spoused. Sorry.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:03 PM on June 17

All this internet wedding-stuff is great and heady, but what about keeping the spark alive? Long-distance relationships can work, but long-distance polygamous relationships? Or is it all about cybering now? If so, I think I need some new erotic phrases, because my last attempts were back in 1996 on AOL.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm really a virgin. Please be gentle.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:05 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I just married desuetude for being a smarty-pants. I can't stop spousing!!
posted by Mister_A at 12:05 PM on June 17

20 dollars, same as in town.
posted by iamabot at 12:06 PM on June 17

....The most I've got is a couple muses. PHooey. :-(
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:07 PM on June 17

You Choo Choo Choose me?
posted by loquacious at 12:08 PM on June 17

Mastodon in a Cryptosaus.

Just don't expect me to do the washing up after we eat that bad boy. Hell, we won't even be able to deglaze the pan until the Large Hadron Collider comes back online.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:09 PM on June 17

Eideteker , had we been spoused, I would have totally unspoused you for copying the whole thread into a comment. I would have unspoused you so hard.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:09 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hey we're married, empress! Let's do it!
posted by Mister_A at 12:10 PM on June 17

Awwww, you guys! 6 new spouses already - that's so sweet! *sniffle*

Dammit, I forgot to set up my wedding registry. Is it too late to ask for a slow cooker?
posted by Quietgal at 12:10 PM on June 17

I came into this thread expecting nonsense and maybe a flameout; didn't expect to leave with six new spouses - this sure is gonna make the 10th Anniversary Meetup a pain in the ass to schedule!
posted by jtron at 12:10 PM on June 17

WHAT
THE
FUCK,
NOT SPOUSE?
posted by jerseygirl at 12:13 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Did someone just get cut and paste?
posted by gingerbeer at 12:13 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Eideteker, this isn't going to get you any spouses.
posted by sephira at 12:13 PM on June 17

You spent 'hours' waiting for a MeMail and never once checked your regular email? Not necessarily to check on that issue, but just in general? Damn, I check my email every 30 seconds or so all day long. And I barely ever GET email, other than spam and Facebook notifications.

To be fair, I was out of the house most of that time....
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:53 PM on June 16 [+] [!]

So do MeMails get sent straight to your phone then?
posted by jtron at 12:14 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

Yeah you really think you'll catch yourself a man this way, Eideteker?
posted by Mister_A at 12:14 PM on June 17

Dammit, I forgot to set up my wedding registry. Is it too late to ask for a slow cooker?

Hun, I am a slow cooker. Mmm. Beef bourguignonne. Oh yeah. It'll be ready tomorrow. Let's go grab a couple of the spouses and work up an appetite... playing Scrabble.
posted by loquacious at 12:15 PM on June 17

I think I finally see the point of the contacts function!
posted by Julnyes at 12:15 PM on June 17

to those of you who forlornly requested spousitude, I have espoused you. BB may have the most spice but I think I may have spiced the most others. I love you all, now take yr clothes off and get me a sandwich!
posted by supermedusa at 12:15 PM on June 17

Eideteker, what is wrong with you?
posted by The Whelk at 12:15 PM on June 17

Did someone just get cut and paste?

And search too!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:16 PM on June 17

Oh, man, I was totally gonna make a stupid joke earlier about how a "man harem" should be called a "hisem" but then I realized it didn't make a lot of sense and so I forgot about it but now I'm mentioning it anyway to get Eid's bizarro pastefest out of my Recent Activity.
posted by cortex at 12:16 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

*smacks Eideteker with rolled up favorites*

Bad spouse, BAD!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:17 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Brandon Blatcher, would you kindly get your spouse in line? I'm suffering from a pretty severe case of WTF-itis over here.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:18 PM on June 17

Dude. Dose.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:18 PM on June 17

*fills Eideteker full of angry bees*
posted by loquacious at 12:18 PM on June 17

cortex: now I'm mentioning it anyway to get Eid's bizarro pastefest out of my Recent Activity.

If only you had the power to delete those comments, I would spouse you!
posted by scody at 12:18 PM on June 17

Seriously, dude, I didn't think it was really possible to do something annoying in a thread like this but cut it out with the pointless crapflooding.
posted by cortex at 12:18 PM on June 17

Eidteker, tell me you didn't just decide to flame out on my (and everyone else's) day. Tell me you didn't.

And ffs, if you do tell me, don't say it with cut-and-paste.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:19 PM on June 17

Brandon Blatcher, I think I may have to divorce you if you can't get your other spouse in line...
posted by sephira at 12:19 PM on June 17

Also: DAMMIT, PALMCORDER_YAJNA.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:19 PM on June 17

Um, that was supposed to be "wedding day."
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:19 PM on June 17

WHOOOOOOA IT'S LIKE MEMENTO IN HERE.
posted by katillathehun at 12:20 PM on June 17

Not my spouse anymore.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:20 PM on June 17

OMG Eideteker is trying to make the thread eat itself! Run my spouses! Run away from the impending recursive universe lest you be forever trapped!
!deppart reverof eb uoy tsel esrevinu evisrucer gnidnepmi eht morf yawa nuR !sesuops ym nuR !flesti tae daerht eht ekam ot gniyrt si reketediE GMO
posted by The Whelk at 12:20 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Oooh AND it looks like he flagged cortex. This is going to be an ugly divorce.
posted by sephira at 12:21 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Mecca lecka heigh mecca hidie-ho,
MECCA LECKA HEIGH HECKA EIDIE NO
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:21 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

At last, I have found the secret path into scody's spousedom.
posted by cortex at 12:21 PM on June 17

*fills Eideteker full of angry bees*

I vote for HOT ANGRY STICKY SNAKES
posted by The Whelk at 12:21 PM on June 17

Seriously, dude, I didn't think it was really possible to do something annoying in a thread like this but cut it out with the pointless crapflooding.
posted by cortex at 3:18 PM on June 17 [+] [!]

I make the impossible possible.
posted by Eideteker at 12:22 PM on June 17

Not my spouse anymore.

Just like being broken up with on FB.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:22 PM on June 17

(just tried to rewrite that Johnny Cash song "When The Man Comes Around" as "When Ralph Gets Home;" failed due to lack of caffeine/inspiration)
posted by jtron at 12:22 PM on June 17

So, in light of Eideteker's massive post vomit, can we maybe have an opposite of spouse option, as in "Ex"? "Gay divorce(e)"? "NOT SPOUSE[IST]"?
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:23 PM on June 17

To my additional new spouses Your Time Machine Sucks and supermedusa: my love for you and all my Mefi spouses knows no bounds.
posted by ocherdraco at 12:23 PM on June 17

I make the impossible possible.

No, the Nutec Possibility Adjuster with the optional cat and box attachment does that, I mean , duh.
posted by The Whelk at 12:24 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

So, in light of Eideteker's massive post vomit, can we maybe have an opposite of spouse option, as in "Ex"? "Gay divorce(e)"? "NOT SPOUSE[IST]"?

All my exes live in MeTa.
posted by Eideteker at 12:25 PM on June 17

I'll marry anyone in here. It's got to be better than my near-miss in real life, wherein I very nearly married a man who left me for another man who COLLECTS THOMAS KINKADE FIGURINES. I mean, come ON...
posted by bitter-girl.com at 12:27 PM on June 17 [11 favorites has favorites]

This bespouses doom.
posted by everichon at 12:27 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

This will not wed well.
posted by Eideteker at 12:28 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

You had me at Thomas Kincaide Figurines, Bitter Girl.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:28 PM on June 17

Bitter-girl, I have just made an honest woman out of you, and I swear: not a single Thomas Kinkade figurine in my possession.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:29 PM on June 17

Also, what about "souse"? bitter-girl.com, I will happily be your souse.
posted by everichon at 12:29 PM on June 17

a mefite groused about a spouse
espoused not with consent,
and so upon the birth of Strauss
espousing all we went!

o bless the louse bespoused the spouse
who first the slope did slip!
the lords and ladies of the house,
of tie, and strap, and ruddy blouse,
are well made pleased to strip!
posted by zennie at 12:30 PM on June 17 [6 favorites has favorites]

You want to talk about it Eideteker, would that help?

I think Scody is around.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:30 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

So, for future reference, copying and pasting a long thread into itself will not stop the thread.
posted by Eideteker at 12:32 PM on June 17

I, too, have married bitter-girl. No Thomas Kinkade, but an alarming number of pornographic Pez dispensers in my collection.
posted by Mister_A at 12:32 PM on June 17

Also: the fact that your ex went for a guy who collects Kinkade figurines? I mean, I don't want to judge anyone's tastes*, but isn't Kinkade all, like, Mr. Christian Painter of Jesus Light and stuff? Doesn't that kind of, I don't know, conflict? With the idea of two dudes? Getting it on?

* - oh, who am I kidding? I just THE SHIT out that tacky-assed crap.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:32 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Fucking typo: * - oh, who am I kidding? I judge THE SHIT out that tacky-assed crap.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:34 PM on June 17

I would never marry someone who makes a typo like that.
posted by Mister_A at 12:34 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Do not judge me!
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:35 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Wow, you really are spoused.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:36 PM on June 17

With the idea of two dudes? Getting it on?

Shiu Mai Baby, you've now put in my head the idea of hardcore gay porn being rendered in Kinkade's gauzy pastel style.

Damn you Shiu Mai Baby, damn your filthy eyes.
posted by The Whelk at 12:37 PM on June 17

But they would be so beautifully lit, Whelk. The sheen of Astroglide would be positively luminous.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:39 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

So, for future reference, copying and pasting a long thread into itself will not stop the thread.
posted by Eideteker at 2:32 PM on June 17 [+] [!]

Or get one a timeout, apparently. Or is that just for goofy, stupid threads that should never have been started, like this one?
posted by jtron at 12:39 PM on June 17

generally speaking that would be timeout land, but cortex, my NOT-HUSBAND, is more of a softie than I am and I was outside assembling a tent when the infraction occurred.
posted by jessamyn at 12:41 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

*Wipes tear*

This is beautiful, y'all! I know who's playing the wedding(s).
posted by barrett caulk at 12:41 PM on June 17

Because RALPH is RALPH so the streets must be filled with RALPH (DEATH)
-Son of RALPH
posted by DecemberBoy at 12:42 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I was outside assembling a tent when the infraction occurred.

This will be my go-to excuse for everything from now on.
posted by The Whelk at 12:42 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Quidnunc, it seems, is the Henry VIII of MeFi.

Which is fine, as long as I get to be Anne of Cleves
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:43 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

"Or get one a timeout, apparently. Or is that just for goofy, stupid threads that should never have been started, like this one?"

Oh no, I got a time out. That comment was made with a duplicate account made using a clever unicode trick.
posted by Eideteker at 12:44 PM on June 17

I might be spousing instead of favoriting at this point, but I'm looking forward to many happy years with all of you
posted by EatTheWeak at 12:45 PM on June 17

[But I'm untimed-out now.]
posted by Eideteker at 12:45 PM on June 17

500!
posted by Eideteker at 12:46 PM on June 17

i have to admit, by the end of this thread my commitment to monogamy came unglued and i started following someone else on Twitter.

i'm not sorry though it's the pope's fault.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:46 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I was outside assembling a tent when the infraction occurred.

Don't you have spouses to do that?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:46 PM on June 17

I have been reading but not participating in the enspousenating, but now I simply must know - Mister_A, do you really collect pornographic Pez dispensers, or is that just one of those things I want to be true, like the thing where jessamyn is a transformer, etc.? If you promise me you really, truly own at least one pornographic pez dispenser, I will dispense with my reticence and internet enspousenate you very forcefully.

Enspousenate is my new favorite word, can you tell?
posted by marginaliana at 12:46 PM on June 17

I, for one, am keeping it REAL: Spinster and proud, bitches.

I've got you down as "sweetheart" for now; I'm waiting to see if you put out on our group date next week.
posted by desuetude at 12:48 PM on June 17

~~fuck~~/marry/~~kill~~ all y'all
posted by Eideteker at 12:48 PM on June 17

Enspousenation Enforcement Authority: Protecting Marriage By Any Means Necessary.
posted by The Whelk at 12:48 PM on June 17

Or get one a timeout, apparently.

Recursive crapfloods only get you a mild rebuke. For a timeout you need to crapflood with peace treaties* or similar.

*Small sections of the Treaty of Westphalia get a pass, but the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact or the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk are deal breakers. Also any lengthy treaty in Polish.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:49 PM on June 17

Has anyone written a greasemonkey script for mass-spousing yet?
posted by Maisie at 12:50 PM on June 17

I'm late to this party, but I'm MeMarrying a bunch of yez. WHEE!
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:51 PM on June 17

You want to talk about it Eideteker, would that help?

I think Scody is around.

*takes Eideteker by the hand*

Eid, I want you to know that whatever's upsetting you, we're on the same team. You can tell what you're feeling, and I won't judge you. I just want to hear you.

Now stop being a fucking putz.
posted by scody at 12:52 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

I kid! I rarely use Yiddish expressions!
posted by scody at 12:53 PM on June 17

Westphalic symbol.
posted by Eideteker at 12:53 PM on June 17

Westphallic fixation
posted by The Whelk at 12:54 PM on June 17

Eastside!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:56 PM on June 17

"You can tell what you're feeling"

No, I can't. If I could, I wouldn't be such a fucking putz.
posted by Eideteker at 12:57 PM on June 17

My dear new spouses,

Shiu Mai Baby, you've now put in my head the idea of hardcore gay porn being rendered in Kinkade's gauzy pastel style.

I must inform you that my current studio-mate Arabella did in fact begin a series called "Painter of Blight," in which, among other things, we see men in Cleveland Browns jerseys peeing on the sides of half-vacant buildings (with a shiny, shiny waterfall in the background!), and such. It now hangs on my dining room wall, where more than one mother in law will no doubt decide it is awful. I warn you of this, so you can shield your mothers' delicate eyes when you come to visit.

What's worse is not only did he collect the damn figurines, but he was a QUILTER.

(Says the professional knitter).
posted by bitter-girl.com at 12:58 PM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

Hey, fucking putzes just consummating the marriage, after all.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:58 PM on June 17

Or get one a timeout, apparently.

He cut it out by the time I got done cleaning up the first burst, or it would've been. Could've been anyway, but, like the tent lady said, I'm being a softie.
posted by cortex at 12:59 PM on June 17

Now we need a pony that tells us our spouses' opinion of grilled cheese sandwiches.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:01 PM on June 17

bitter-girl.com, I think he may have accidentally married an old woman. You may want to ask him to check.
posted by The Whelk at 1:03 PM on June 17

Why don't you come up to my room and find out for yourself, marginaliana?

In other words, sorry, no erotic Pez dispensers.
posted by Mister_A at 1:04 PM on June 17

"why don't we go to the bedroom and ...dispense Pez?"
posted by The Whelk at 1:05 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Spouses! I command you to take me here for dinner tonight. (Blame Sidhedevil for bringing up grilled cheese.......even if she meant the other kind)
posted by bitter-girl.com at 1:05 PM on June 17

Wow, I just got spoused by a user with a user number lower than cortex. So low that I think I just might faint a little.
posted by loquacious at 1:05 PM on June 17

bitter-girl, I'm MeMarrying you right now just for that!
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:07 PM on June 17

oh hells yes, bitter-girl. if only you'd posted that link earlier - we could have had the ceremony there!
posted by EatTheWeak at 1:07 PM on June 17

Could someone marry me, too? Please? (I'm feeling so unmarried right now...)
posted by Jelly at 1:08 PM on June 17

Mister_A, my dreams are crushed. If there was a contact for "big ol' meanie," I'd select it for you right now.
posted by marginaliana at 1:09 PM on June 17

Should I get MeFi-married? Should I be good?
Astound the spouse next door with my Velveeta suit and faux-Ralph snood?
posted by steef at 1:09 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

*wonders if we can make a thousand comments before sundown in the server's PST timezone*
posted by loquacious at 1:12 PM on June 17

*rows*
posted by loquacious at 1:13 PM on June 17

HI HONEYS, I'M HOME! AND INEXPLICABLY SPOUSELESS
posted by Jofus at 1:14 PM on June 17

MEMARRY ME STEEF, YOU CORSO-RIFFING HOT TAMALE, YOU.

And don't take me to movies, but to cemeteries. Or maybe take me to movies in cemeteries. That's actually kind of fun-- your paler mausoleums actually make pretty good projection screens.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:15 PM on June 17

Thank you, bitter-girl and Brandon Blatcher. I feel much more married already.
posted by Jelly at 1:16 PM on June 17

AND INEXPLICABLY SPOUSELESS

Ungrateful wench!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:18 PM on June 17

This is, indeed, what MetaTalk is for.
posted by Mister_A at 1:18 PM on June 17

Gazes out onto the cold North Sea, helmet shining in the setting sun, sword in hand.

Come my Husbands and Wives! We take to the Sea! We shall have bloody sport tonight and no ship will say they passed us without fear! For plunder and glory! Away!
posted by The Whelk at 1:19 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Not tonight you don't, The Whelk! We're married now.
posted by Mister_A at 1:21 PM on June 17

What could you possible tempt me with that's better than burning a few Irish villages to the ground?
posted by The Whelk at 1:22 PM on June 17

loquacious: look in the tunk.
posted by msconduct at 1:25 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm late to the party. I don't need any internet spouses -- one real-life spouse is exasperating enough! -- but I'd settle for a Sugar Daddy (or a Sugar Mommy).
posted by amyms at 1:25 PM on June 17

Ooh, I know!! Can we also have a sex with ducks contact? Can one person be the duck and can the other be the sex with?

Some of us are actually married to ducks.
posted by octothorpe at 1:25 PM on June 17

What could you possible tempt me with that's better than burning a few Irish villages to the ground?

Drinking a few Irish villages to the ground.

Is that even possible? Anyone wanna try with me?
posted by clearly at 1:25 PM on June 17

THE RIVERS OF WHISKEY WILL RUN RED WITH MY TRIUMPH!
posted by The Whelk at 1:26 PM on June 17

545.

Symmetry is important
posted by The Whelk at 1:27 PM on June 17

Whoa! I got spoused by someone who doesn't even exist!
posted by jtron at 1:33 PM on June 17

Hey there jtron, no one is doubting that Brandon Blatcher existed in the past, the question is whether or not he walks among us now.
posted by The Whelk at 1:35 PM on June 17

I suppose this is as good as a place of any for this kind of sad exposition:

Hi, I like smart girls. A lot. And I'm kind of shy. Actually, sometimes I'm really shy. And often kind of clueless. I'm not even sure if I remember how to flirt properly.

I'm a decent cook, I wash dishes, I rub backs and feet better than a pro and I'm only marginally crazy.

I'm also perfectly ok with breaking tradition and being asked out by smart girls.

Seriously, can we have a dating subsite? So ronry.
posted by loquacious at 1:36 PM on June 17

Wait, you mean this isn't primarily a hook-up site? Then what have I been doing since September?
posted by The Whelk at 1:37 PM on June 17

Don't worry Eideteker, every wedding has that guy. That guy has too much to drink and wanders on to the dance floor and hurts himself trying to breakdance. That guy throws up at his table. That guy objects on cue. That guy hits on all the bridesmaids. Today, you are that guy.
posted by jefeweiss at 1:38 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

I WENT TO LUNCH A GIRL AND CAME BACK A WOMAN!!!!
posted by mudpuppie at 1:42 PM on June 17 [9 favorites has favorites]

Hey, Brandon_Blatcher just spoused me. I feel special!

*clicks on his profile*

193 spouses

*taps foot*

Brandon, we need to talk.
posted by zarq at 1:45 PM on June 17

My God is a powerful God. But if MeFi permits multiple marriages, then I guess he's wed-impotent. Hence, I create a MeTa thread ALL ABOUT ME!!!11!!!1 Now if you (by-choice) gays would stop e-marrying me against my will, I can sleep easy knowing you will all burn in hell. Though I will deny it, all Peter-like, so as not to appear as hateful as I really am. Though I deny it. Deep down, swear to (somebody else's) God!
posted by joe lisboa at 1:47 PM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

Heh. Perhaps it's kismet! Brandon and I joined MeFi on the same day.
posted by zarq at 1:50 PM on June 17

Dammit, this is what happens when I do actual work at work all day.

I MISS ALL THE INTERNETS ORGIES.
posted by elizardbits at 1:50 PM on June 17

Metafilter: We miss all the internet orgies.
posted by joe lisboa at 1:50 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I can't believe this is still going! I just married someone to celebrate
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:55 PM on June 17

Wow, this thread is like a weird and awesome microcosm of society.

Second Life? Sims? Eat dirt! Eat grey metatalk text-only dirt!
posted by jabberjaw at 1:58 PM on June 17

Sidhedevil - "betty boop warrior princess?" Darling, consider yourself spoused!
posted by EatTheWeak at 2:01 PM on June 17

All right - listen up, people! Next, we march on Washington to get Obama to extend federal benefits to MeFite spouses! WHO'S WITH ME?!
posted by chinston at 2:03 PM on June 17

These wives, it vibrates?
posted by Jon-o at 2:04 PM on June 17

No spouses for me: I've got Purity Balls.
posted by five fresh fish at 2:05 PM on June 17

hey loquacious, I like shy guys who reveal they like smart girls via sad exposition on a non-dating website. My feet hurt a little and I can teach you to be a better cook. Marry me?
posted by donnagirl at 2:06 PM on June 17

So I have this new idea for a conservative social movement called Marriage4Men or M4M. It's basically a political activist organization designed to get men more interested in the Biblical concept of marriage and to show them that marriage isn't some kind of lovey-dovey sissy bullcrap that feminists make it out to be.

We have to show men that they can still be manly, powerful, authoritative, muscular, strong, authoritative, strong and muscular even when spending their whole life living with a woman. It's hard, I know, spending so much time around girls is such a drag sometimes so there will also be special "men only" M4M nights at local pubs and saunas where strong, authoritative Christian men can gather to experience our God-given masculinity in a strong and authoritative way.

I think this is going to be a great service to Christian men around the country since, as we all know, feminism and homosexuality have been slowly infiltrating our lives in the past few decades, making it harder to lead authentically masculine lives and just spending time hanging out with other men and doing manly things and giving each other backrubs and making sure our wives aren't getting internet-married to gay nerds or whatever.

So yeah were going to start up a website advertising our M4M group and hopefully it'll grow to become a sort of grass-roots organization across the country. We're expecting alot of growth as we have specialized recruiting teams visiting Boy Scout troops and high school locker rooms across the country to try and keep these budding young men from falling prey to femininity and emotions and whatnot.

I'll keep you all posted.
posted by Avenger at 2:07 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Dear Diary,

Oh happy day! For today is the day I leave behind my internet girlhood and step into internet womanhood. Yes, it is true. I am internet married! It matters not to me that I am not his only bride, nor his first. This is an internet-holy union! And I shall be taken care of FOR THE REST OF OUR INTERNET LIVES.

BABIES.

GIVE ME BABIES.

OH GOD. BABIES EVERYWHERE. NOW.

Oh, I do hope my internet family will not miss me too terribly! Love and kisses,

Katilla

P.S. I'm naming our first child Rusty!
posted by katillathehun at 2:07 PM on June 17

Well, a major benefit to all of this is that I've discovered there's a bunch of people I still need to link to. People that I've actually met multiple times and still haven't marked as "met", people who I admire and adore. (What the fuck, loq? How'd you fail to like to rtha this long? You remembered to link to gingerbeer. And QuietGal? You've met her like four times! How many others?)

If we've met and I haven't linked to you, please realize I have the attention span of a hummingbird suffering from meth psychosis. It's not intentional. I'm just scattered. Shoot me a message and remind me and I'll link to you.
posted by loquacious at 2:08 PM on June 17

donnagirl: done. Please order a bed large enough for about 20-30. I'll be home in time for dinner with the spouses.
posted by loquacious at 2:11 PM on June 17

I just got man-married to Brandon, who is indeed a handsome dude. Looking at all of his spouses, I can look forward to getting laid about twice a year.

That would be a step up for me.
posted by adipocere at 2:12 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Second Life? Sims? Eat dirt! Eat grey metatalk text-only dirt!

Can we have this line on the t-shirt?
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 2:14 PM on June 17

My RL ex-husband wants me back, so I must be an excellent wife. Just sayin'

But I only want new fresh internet spouses, not tarnished with all that bad mojo.
posted by readery at 2:16 PM on June 17

I FEEL GREAT. BABIES EVERYWHERE! YEAAAAAHHHRGH!

HIT ME.
posted by loquacious at 2:16 PM on June 17

Spouse is a funny word. It's almost like spaz.

Oooh, I have epilepsy. If you marry me, you get BOTH! It's a bargain!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:21 PM on June 17

Before I get too espoused, I'd like to know where suitors fall on pronunciation of potato and tomato.
posted by klangklangston at 2:22 PM on June 17

THE RIVERS OF WHISKEY WILL RUN RED WITH MY TRIUMPH!

Honey, please pass the salt.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:25 PM on June 17

Oh, this is getting complicated...

Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And everytime I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
posted by sambosambo at 2:28 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Honey, please pass the salt.

For that alone, I'm "marrying" BrandonB. May St. Alia's "God" have mercy on my (our?) soul(s).
posted by joe lisboa at 2:29 PM on June 17

GIVE ME BABIES.

OH GOD. BABIES EVERYWHERE. NOW.

Pretty ambitious for an 87-year-old, but good luck!
posted by Skot at 2:29 PM on June 17

where suitors fall on pronunciation of potato and tomato.

Taters.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:30 PM on June 17

grapefruitmoon: Spouse is a funny word. It's almost like spaz.

Oooh, I have epilepsy. If you marry me, you get BOTH! It's a bargain!

A marriage which starts off on shaky ground? No thanks.
posted by gman at 2:31 PM on June 17

All y'all should take a second to think about the poor MeFites who don't even have any contacts, let alone (fake Internet) spouses.

So lonely.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 2:31 PM on June 17

I can't follow this thread since it stopped being about me.

"HIT ME."

Done.

Can we stop at 666 comments?
posted by Eideteker at 2:32 PM on June 17

Naming your child Rusty is a great way to make sure that he works as a carnie.
posted by klangklangston at 2:37 PM on June 17

And thus the internet archaeologists of 2035 worked out that Metafilter was in fact a polygamy advocacy site.
posted by Electric Dragon at 2:37 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Can we stop at 666 comments?

How was your day, sweetie? Can I fix you a drink?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:38 PM on June 17

Dear AskMe:

The Mefite who I want to internet-enspousenate has not joined the spousening thread. What should I do?

desuetude
posted by desuetude at 2:38 PM on June 17

Bells will ring
The sun will shine
(whoa-whoa-whoa)
I'll be his and
He'll be mine
We'll love until
The end of time
And we'll never be lonely anymore

Because we're
Goin' to the chapel and we're
Gonna get married
Goin' to the chapel and we're
Gonna get married
Gee, I really love you and we're
Gonna get married
Goin' to the chapel of love
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:40 PM on June 17

Dear desuetude -

The best part of internet-enspousenation is that only one person has to want it. That's what started this thread in the first place!

Much love,
The Mefi Marrieds
posted by donnagirl at 2:43 PM on June 17

Eideteker needs to stop poking me with his rhythm stick until after we're married.
posted by loquacious at 2:43 PM on June 17

Foci, I'll be yours until death or my next bannination do us part.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:45 PM on June 17

Pretty ambitious for an 87-year-old, but good luck!

That's 87 years of experience talking to ya.
posted by katillathehun at 2:48 PM on June 17

Whoa, I just realized I errantly e-proposed to Blazecock instead of BrandonB. To whom should I proffer my e-nullment?
posted by joe lisboa at 2:49 PM on June 17

I spend my whole day at work in a hellhole that has no access to MetaTalk to support you ungrateful wrenches, and I come home to find I'm not even married??
posted by Phire at 2:50 PM on June 17

1: Please marry me.

2: I would like an addition to the MeFi Navigator GreaseMonkey script that puts a little wedding ring icon next to the names of mefites I have married.
posted by subbes at 2:50 PM on June 17 [6 favorites has favorites]

Awyeah.

Got two e-spouses (and a microphone).
posted by katillathehun at 2:51 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

subbes, you're a genius, that's why I'm marrying you.
posted by donnagirl at 2:52 PM on June 17

Woohoo - I've been enspouselled twice, and it didn't sting a bit. Praise be to St. Alia, the age of Aquarius has finally dawned!

Shh now, lest Ralph gets wind of it...
posted by freya_lamb at 2:53 PM on June 17

I... just spent two hours reading this thread and clicking on usernames looking for people to marry. I... think I am even pickier on the internet than I am in real life?
posted by danny the boy at 2:53 PM on June 17

danny the boy, I've spoused you for being so darned choosy.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:56 PM on June 17

I'm here for you, Phire. Forever. In ASCII.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 2:57 PM on June 17

This thread makes me so happy. Thank you, SAotB!
posted by small_ruminant at 2:59 PM on June 17

Whoa, I just realized I errantly e-proposed to Blazecock instead of BrandonB. To whom should I proffer my e-nullment?

I don't see a ring on my finger.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:00 PM on June 17

Speaking as a metafilter monk, I am completely disgusted by this display of electronic promiscuity.

sniffle
posted by dilettante at 3:01 PM on June 17

I don't see a ring on my finger.

Look a little lower.
posted by JenMarie at 3:05 PM on June 17 [12 favorites has favorites]

Well. When I woke up this morning I did not expect to be a polygamist before the day's end. Thanks, MetaFilter!
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 3:05 PM on June 17

I just realized why I was never one of those girls who dreamed of my wedding day as a child.

There was no MeFi then.

There was no way to dream of this glorious day.

I am finally fulfilled as a woman, with the enspouseling I have experienced today.
posted by amelioration at 3:06 PM on June 17

THE SPOUSII IS ENTERNAL LOVE
THE SPOUSII IS ENTERNAL LOVE
THE SPOUSII IS ENTERNAL LOVE
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:08 PM on June 17

dilettante, if my college roommate's parents could leave the church (he was a priest, she was a nun) and get married and have him, I think we could lure you away into our e-hussy ways, no?
posted by bitter-girl.com at 3:09 PM on June 17

Look a little lower.

I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:09 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dude, spouse me. I'll be your bitch.
posted by gman at 3:12 PM on June 17

"
where suitors fall on pronunciation of potato and tomato.

Taters."

LETS CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF
posted by klangklangston at 3:13 PM on June 17

Who's gonna get in the kitchen and make me a turkey pot pie?!
posted by deborah at 3:14 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'll be your bitch.

That's nice, dear. Are we taking the grandkids to the cottage this summer?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:15 PM on June 17

I have two new spouses! Sidhedevil and Brandon, with my body I thee worship.

(I always thought that was the most erotic part of the Anglican wedding service, and now I get to say it twice.)
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:15 PM on June 17

'Cause we already decided on this for dinner, Deborah.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 3:16 PM on June 17

gman - Sure, the espousement feels good now - in the narcotic charge of a special MeFi moment - but will he still love you in the harsh light of day? WILL HE?!

Fret not, I've bagged you, just in case.
posted by freya_lamb at 3:16 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

That's nice, dear. Are we taking the grandkids to the cottage this summer?

Please. What's first... back rub or blow job?
posted by gman at 3:17 PM on June 17

Wow, my last comment earned me two spouses! Pervs, the lot of you...
posted by JenMarie at 3:18 PM on June 17

I promise I will respect all of ya'll in the morning.

It might not last through the weekend, though.
posted by misha at 3:18 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dude, spouse me. I'll be your bitch.
whee! I've always wanted a bitch
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:18 PM on June 17

I find the most erotic part of a woman is her spouses.
posted by minifigs at 3:19 PM on June 17

What's first... back rub or blow job?

We're married! You should already know what I like.

Start kneading those shoulders, pig.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:19 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

Someone to whom I am not married to has linked me in Contacts using the descriptor "Spouse." What recourse do I have?

And don't tell me to get a lawyer. This isn't AskMe.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:20 PM on June 17

Who's going to be the first to smash ~~doughnut~~ cake into cortex's face at the reception?
posted by subbes at 3:21 PM on June 17

Man, I'm dizzy. No more MeMatrimony thanks, I'm all spoused out for one night.

Does this thread consitute a new subsite yet?
posted by freya_lamb at 3:26 PM on June 17

posted by deborah Who's gonna get in the kitchen and make me a turkey pot pie?!

I put your Stouffer's in the microwave. Now gimme the damn remote.
posted by mattdidthat at 3:30 PM on June 17

We're married! You should already know what I like.

Look, I have like a dozen spouses. Although I aim to please, I can't remember who likes what in which order.
posted by gman at 3:31 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Look, I have like a dozen spouses.

Quit bitching or I'll trade you in for a younger and better looking Mefite.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:36 PM on June 17

I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's.

Blazecock, if we weren't already married, I'd have spoused you for that.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 3:38 PM on June 17

Where's Coldchef? A funeral director spouse would be awesome for when all the extra spouses start dying off.
posted by chiababe at 3:43 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

THANK YOU MY INTERNET WIVES I will tell mom I've done good at last
posted by danny the boy at 3:45 PM on June 17

You people have fucked up my contacts activity sidebar.

I want a divorce. You can have the kids.
posted by middleclasstool at 3:46 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

Quit bitching or I'll trade you in for a younger and better looking Mefite.

Are we fighting? Not in public, please.
posted by gman at 3:46 PM on June 17

All Aboard the MetaFilter Polygamy Bandwagon!!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:48 PM on June 17

I'd internet-marry Coldchef in a heartbeat (so to speak.)
posted by small_ruminant at 3:48 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

He's to die for!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:49 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

we could lure you away into our e-hussy ways, no?

Kinda medieval, that. Very traditional, really.
posted by dilettante at 3:50 PM on June 17

At first I felt sad that no one MeMarried me, but then I remembered that I've been censored ALL MY LIFE, and being MeRejected didn't seem so bad in comparison.

Someone...please...memarry me.
posted by Maisie at 3:51 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm not the marrying type, but I'll make grilled-cheese sandwiches for the lot of you.
posted by lekvar at 3:51 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Are we fighting? Not in public, please.

There you go again. I just can't take you anywhere.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:53 PM on June 17

OH MAN. I just thought of something.

Whose family are we all going to visit for Thanksgiving? Shit.

Oh, THAT'S RIGHT. My harem is moving with me to Italy, thanks to the magic passport-giving abilities of spouse-matteo. No more Thanksgiving family worries for us! SUCK IT, AMERICANS!!!!!!!!!!!

You should all get your shit together regarding national health care, too.
posted by scody at 3:53 PM on June 17

I'm working on having one of my spouses banned from Metafilter for the insurance money. Who wants in?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:54 PM on June 17

I'm not the marrying type, but I'll make grilled-cheese sandwiches for the lot of you.

SOLD.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 3:55 PM on June 17

The part when the honeymoon period ends on all of this is going to suck.

I mean let's just start with how much dividing the dishes up is going to suck, much less the insane network of alimony payments. I should have insisted on prenuptials.

NO THAT'S MY COFFEE CUP I SAW IT AT THE THRIFT STORE FIRST
posted by loquacious at 3:56 PM on June 17

"If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing or her conjugal rights." Exodus 21:10

Now, this is the traditional marriage I'm all about. Four wives and where's my concubines, oh Lord?
posted by rodgerd at 4:00 PM on June 17

God damn it, which iWife set the Tivo to record every episode of Law & Order?
posted by mattdidthat at 4:03 PM on June 17

I mean let's just start with how much dividing the dishes up is going to suck, much less the insane network of alimony payments. I should have insisted on prenuptials.

*Feature Only Available In Second Life*
posted by zarq at 4:08 PM on June 17

Ikea is going to be rammed with internet-newly-weds this weekend.
posted by minifigs at 4:09 PM on June 17

God damn it, which iWife set the Tivo to record every episode of Law & Order?

Hey, did you marry MY MOTHER? A joke's a joke, but that is just going too far.
posted by scody at 4:09 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just to let everyone know, I registered at Williams-Sonoma. I've had my eye on this juice squeezer for a while now, so don't be stingy with your love.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:10 PM on June 17

Interesting that we can't click "kin" and "spouse"....

Time to put the Heinlein anthology down.
posted by zarq at 4:13 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I registered at http://www.themacallan.com/shop/.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:13 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I registered at http://www.themacallan.com/shop/.

Hello, new spouse!
posted by never used baby shoes at 4:19 PM on June 17

God damn it, which iWife set the Tivo to record every episode of Law & Order?

That damned show.

While my wife was pregnant, she would watch in bed at two, three, four, five in the morning. I swear, at any given hour of the night, some channel on cable is playing an episode of one of the many, many incarnations of L&O. I was woken up repeatedly by that damned "BONG BONG" sound every night.

Although, I DID finally figure out why Dick Wolfe uses it. It's the perfect sound to wake up all the elderly viewers who have nodded off during the commercials.

Fucker.
posted by zarq at 4:20 PM on June 17

I could really use some alone time.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:22 PM on June 17

Hey, did you marry MY MOTHER? A joke's a joke, but that is just going too far.

What? I like Law and Order. And your mom is cute. Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but it's worse than you think.

We've been secretly seeing each other for the last four months, and I'm not afraid to tell you it's been really hot and heavy. Almost every night we can get away we dim the lights and lounge around for hours on end in our sweats and PJs watching Law and Order, sometimes for 8, 10 hours at a time. Heck, I even have my own pillow and slippers over at her place.

Sometimes we even make popcorn.

*donk donk*
posted by loquacious at 4:24 PM on June 17

*spouses IRFH to get in on the scotch*
posted by EatTheWeak at 4:26 PM on June 17

bong bong? donk donk? It's totally DOINK DOINK.
posted by chiababe at 4:26 PM on June 17

It's CLANG-CLONG, you sick bastards.
posted by scody at 4:28 PM on June 17

Ikea is going to be rammed with internet-newly-weds this weekend.

I didn't know Ikea was naughty like that. Can we marry big big stores, too?

bong bong? donk donk? It's totally DOINK DOINK.

This is one of those research projects I would do if I could just figure out how to search for the citations.
posted by cortex at 4:29 PM on June 17

> Does this make me a trophy wife? 'Cause if it does, I'm going to have to demand more spouses in compensation.
posted by elfgirl at 4:31 PM on June 17

Boston marriage = (co-resident + friend + spouse) ± sweetheart, but only mutually?
posted by carbide at 4:32 PM on June 17

I MISS ALL THE INTERNETS ORGIES.

What costume shall the poor girl ware ...to all the internets orgies?

pass the salt

Do you think this is what it's life to live with Brian Blessed?

Okay, listen up Spousii. I am now The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb. This is clearly unsustainable. For one thing, I don't have that kind of room in my apartment and the name-change forms would be a bitch, despite the rich emotional fullfillment of a Harem and Himrem. So I have a solution.

The Many Marrieds of The Whelk, in your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. If you wish to stay married to me, you must show your devotion by besting your sibling spousii in armed combat. Anyone left living will be mine. You have one hour starting ...NOW

Switches off lights, runs.
posted by The Whelk at 4:32 PM on June 17

In the meme referal system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the Internet Detectives, who have already long since cited the show's creators listing it as "DONK DONK," and me, who can't be arsed to look it up. These are our stories.

DONK DONK!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:33 PM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

I refuse to spouse anyone that would have me as a spouse.
posted by evilcolonel at 4:33 PM on June 17

Jessamyn is totally my trophy wife.
posted by elfgirl at 4:33 PM on June 17

bong bong? donk donk? It's totally DOINK DOINK.

I so resisted calling that out...

Anyway, it's "dunt dunt".

Are you people deaf?
posted by pompomtom at 4:34 PM on June 17

I didn't know Ikea was naughty like that. Can we marry big big stores, too?

[placeholder for BJ's joke]
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 4:35 PM on June 17

666 comments! No one mess it up!

Oh, shit!

*waits for the divorces to roll in*
posted by JoanArkham at 4:39 PM on June 17

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!!!!!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:41 PM on June 17 [6 favorites has favorites]

YES! Yes you mad romantic fool — I said yes!

Now kiss me like you have never kissed anyone before. Kiss me like my lips are the most succulent fruit of desire. Drink me in like the impossible ambrosia of Zeus. Hunger for me, Metafilter, as I hunger for you. Let us be a banquet of passion. Set me afire as you take me in your embrace. And we shall lay together entwined like serpents until the cool of damn falls from the stars on our naked shameless flesh. And I shall kiss the dew from your sweet eye lids my darling Metafilter.

YES!
posted by tkchrist at 4:44 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Okay, i have nine spouses now, but the original one who was the cause of this thread has despoused me...I suppose there is a moral to this story but darned if I can tell you what it is.

As soon as Ralph comes home we'll see if he likes the username suggestion...
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:44 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Can we marry big big stores, too?

Only if the dowry is paid in Canadian Tire money.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:45 PM on June 17

spouse I said spouse I will Spouse
posted by scody at 4:47 PM on June 17 [10 favorites has favorites]

I dunno, those brilliant people who used to run TWoP called it "CHUNG CHUNG", and if they're wrong then I don't know what's right.

Also, I would marry all of you but then I'd risk revealing my secret identity. I can trust all of you to keep quiet, right?
posted by ApathyGirl at 4:53 PM on June 17

The Whelk, I must now wed you for your VU reference of awesomeness.

You'd better not be a snorer.
posted by elizardbits at 4:55 PM on June 17

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!!!!!

Made us all very, very happy. Sore, tired, and dazed, but happy.

For this, I thee wed.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:55 PM on June 17

Espouse espousing!
posted by cortex at 4:56 PM on June 17

God damn it, which iWife set the Tivo to record every episode of Law & Order?

That damned show.

I have a theory that Law & Order isn't so much a show as it a living thing, a memeorganism if you will, the byproduct of an alien intelligence.

One second (Big inhale, bubbling sound. . . . . and exhale)

Okay so the suits and squares of the TV industry tinker with finding more foolproof formulas for successful shows. Eventually they hit the jackpot, an AI project that writes police dramas by incorporating the detailed "dark" Nelson Ratings for the last 40 years (what, you didn't think they just recorded who watched did you?) The result is the show Law& Order.

The "screenwriters" are just interns who correct and connect together the AI's generated scenes into episodes. It's a smash and they soon expand the AI to make casting decisions, run the basic scheduling and hiring, and even compose the music. E-mail just made the project easier and the people on the ground, the directors and actors and such, loved the "hands-off" nature of the higher-ups. Nothing worse than a producer on set, after all. You didn't even have to suck up to them or go to their parties.

The AI grew too big however and needed new algorithms and devices to generate more content. One can almost say it decided to grow. So you have the spin-offs, and the meta-spin-offs. Parts of the AI were sold to other shows, the Law & Order remained the complete possession of the AI. The AI grew bigger, more stable, more coherent and complex with each iteration. Once they got remote-controlled cameras, the AI was actually directing the show, making decisions based on thousands of hours of previously shot footage.

Watched closely enough, the various iterations of Law & Order reveal the AI's own mind, not just its processes but its biases and desires. Imagine watching the dreams of the comatose unfold before you. That is Law & Order, the subconscious of an emerging mind, using the material world as the means to an end, as a way to make things, to dream.

Pray it doesn't wake up.

*dong dong*
posted by The Whelk at 4:57 PM on June 17 [12 favorites has favorites]

Okay. Must step out. 1000's within sight. Keep at it MetaSpouses!
posted by EatTheWeak at 5:07 PM on June 17

Mawiage. Mawiage is wut bwings us togedder tuday. Mawiage, dat bwessed awangment, dat dweam wiffin a dweam... And wuv, twu wuv, will fowow you fowevva... So tweasure your wuv.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:09 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

*weeps single tear as Husband Weak is thrown over the side of the boat and devoured by ravenous puffins*
posted by The Whelk at 5:10 PM on June 17

Metafilter: You know how sometimes you feel like even more of a bigger nerd than usual?
posted by jeoc at 5:12 PM on June 17

I do so hope Ralph pronounces his name Rafe. R-r-rrrafe!
posted by steef at 5:26 PM on June 17

So now I'm goin' back again,
I got to get to her somehow.
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now.

Some are mathematicians
Some are Brandon Blatcher's wives.
Don't know how it all got started,
I don't know what they're doin' with their lives.

But me, I'm still in the thread
Hopin' for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just favorited it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue.
posted by Sailormom at 5:32 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'm *so* gonna spouse Ralph when he shows up.
posted by ersatzkat at 5:38 PM on June 17

No, I'm ok. I'll be right back. I'm just going out for some cigarettes.
posted by loquacious at 5:39 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Aw man. I got the swine flu, lung butter and missed all the espousing.

Curses H1N1!!!
posted by jamaro at 5:42 PM on June 17

BP & IRFH - I'm onto you. You think enspousing means you get consumer durables for free! You want a new kitchen - and Metafilter to pay for it? I think not.

The only wedding gift you'll (and just you not your spouses) get is a nice dinner. Possibly of grilled cheese.
posted by nooneyouknow at 5:44 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I want St. Alia of the Bunnies' husband's username to be Ralph St. Rabbits.
posted by mattdidthat at 5:46 PM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

BE WOP A NINNY GRANAH
posted by Eideteker at 5:46 PM on June 17

Just to let everyone know, I registered at Williams-Sonoma. I've had my eye on this juice squeezer for a while now, so don't be stingy with your love.

If you espouseilfy me, you can borrow my citrus reamer. It's terribly naughty-looking.
posted by desuetude at 5:48 PM on June 17

Your citrus WHAT?!

*cowers in fear*
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:49 PM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

I used to mark my close, real-life friends as "sweetheart," to give them extra distinction above the people I've only met once or twice. Then I got self-conscious about it and stopped. They probably never even noticed. :(
posted by roll truck roll at 5:55 PM on June 17

...and I somehow can't get the Looney Tunes characters out of my head..."mornin' Sam...", "mornin' Ralph".

ARRRRGHH! Hurry and GET HERE RALPH!
posted by ersatzkat at 5:58 PM on June 17

amazing how rude the people are in this site.

oh right but rudeness is all relative in me.ta because morality is subjective.
posted by peter_meta_kbd at 5:59 PM on June 17

Dude, you're supposed to get down on one knee first.
posted by cortex at 6:02 PM on June 17

posted by nooneyouknow The only wedding gift you'll (and just you not your spouses) get is a nice dinner. Possibly of grilled cheese.

With a side plate of overthought beans, well-done.
posted by mattdidthat at 6:08 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dude, you're supposed to get down on one knee first.

Does that mean it's naked spanky sexy fun time now?
posted by loquacious at 6:08 PM on June 17

dear askme i feel like my husband might be seeing someone else i found chatlogs of him flirting on AOL with 97 other people what should i do and you know there's...
[[More Inside]]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:09 PM on June 17 [3 favorites has favorites]

posted by loquacious Does that mean it's naked spanky sexy fun time now?

Ambrosia Voyeur, please pick up the white courtesy phone.
posted by mattdidthat at 6:11 PM on June 17

700!
posted by loquacious at 6:11 PM on June 17

my husband wouldn't mind if I had a few extra spouses. You know, for when he's out of town.
posted by pinky at 6:12 PM on June 17

Ambrosia Voyeur, please pick up the white courtesy phone.

Look, I know I'm a pale and misshapen freak but what the fuck? You didn't even ask what my safe word is.
posted by loquacious at 6:14 PM on June 17

My safe word is "I should have married my refrigerator when I had the chance"
posted by jessamyn at 6:18 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'll tell you what your safeword is when I'm damned good and ready.
posted by mattdidthat at 6:18 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just popping in to say I play a lawyer on the internets.

Just you know in case.
posted by gomichild at 6:24 PM on June 17

Wait,

jessamyn: "My safe word is "I should have married my refrigerator when I had the chance""

That's MY safeword! WTF?!!
[looking around] ....what?
posted by not_on_display at 6:24 PM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

ONCE IN A WHILE I have one of those days at work where I, you know, have to actually WORK all day. I glanced at this thread at lunchtime, while choking down a PBJ (it was an abbreviated lunch-- we're BUSY, and yes, I feel lucky) when there were maybe 12 comments. Then I went back to WORK, AND I CEASELESSLY DID MY JOB.

You'd think one of you fucks would find that a spouse-worthy quality, no?
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:27 PM on June 17

I want St. Alia of the Bunnies' husband's username to be Ralph St. Rabbits.

However, Walph St. Wabbits would be all wight, too.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 6:28 PM on June 17

I'll tell you what your safeword is when I'm damned good and ready.

Am I the only one having visions of Allen Ludden telling Betty White that the safeword is taters?
posted by scody at 6:30 PM on June 17

Someone to whom I am not RALPHed to has RALPHed me in RALPHs using the descriptor "RALPH." What RALPHcourse do I have?

Maybe for certain RALPHs (like RALPH) we could RALPH the RALPH RALPHed to RALPH??? I mean, my real-life RALPH is pretty RALPH but this is kinda....RALPH.

RALPH, RALPH, RALPH.
RALPH, RALPH, RALPH.
There's nothing you can RALPH that can't be RALPHed
Nothing you can RALPH that can't be RALPHed
Nothing you can RALPH but you can learn how to RALPH the RALPH
It's RALPHy
All you need is RALPH
All you need is RALPH
All you need is RALPH, RALPH
RALPH is all you need
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:30 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

Real life wife wants to know when you fuckers are going to turn in your rent.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:35 PM on June 17

Oh, wow, someone anyone, please marry me, please hope me. I'm in an un-fun break-up, and I was this close to posting a long, convoluted, myopic, whiney, desperate AskMe that makes it crystal clear I don't want any sound advice at all, not really. Marrying a lot of people will really help my self-esteem. (Bonus: We get to celebrate our 10-year anniversary in just a couple of weeks. Think of all the profound disappointment we'll have bypassed ...We cut to the party!)
posted by thinkpiece at 6:40 PM on June 17

Real life wife wants to know when you fuckers are going to turn in your rent.

As soon as she fixes the goddamn garbage disposal.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:44 PM on June 17

Am I the only one having visions of Allen Ludden telling Betty White that the safeword is taters?

Yes.
posted by elfgirl at 6:45 PM on June 17

I'll just do this thing myself, then. Do you, The Whelk, Take this user to be your unl-awful e-spouse?

"Come my Husbands and Wives! We take to the Sea! We shall have bloody sport tonight and no ship will say they passed us without fear! For plunder and glory! Away!"

*the prelate turns and nods to the betrothed*

"Whitebreast of the dim sea. The Twining stresses, two by two. A hand plucking the harpstrings, merging their twining chords. Wavewhite wedded words shimmering on the dim tide.

I do."

*snif*
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:48 PM on June 17

Ha! I've somehow acquired two dude spouses. Now I suppose I have to become gay, which is like the gay population's worst nightmare. I'm going to be the worst gay dude ever. I've been wearing basically the same outfit for like 15 years, for one thing.
posted by DecemberBoy at 6:50 PM on June 17

Your citrus WHAT?!

*cowers in fear*

Shhhh, just relax. It's a very sexy reamer.
posted by desuetude at 6:52 PM on June 17

Interesting Devils Rancher. On my list of Desired Spousely Qualities, "hard working" and "eats PBJ for lunch" rated. Consider yourself spoused.
posted by jerseygirl at 6:54 PM on June 17

MetaTalk: Shhhh, just relax. It's a very sexy reamer.
posted by loquacious at 6:54 PM on June 17

SKATE OR DIE!
posted by loquacious at 6:55 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh, wow, someone anyone, please marry me, please hope me. I'm in an un-fun break-up, and I was this close to posting a long, convoluted, myopic, whiney, desperate AskMe that makes it crystal clear I don't want any sound advice at all, not really. Marrying a lot of people will really help my self-esteem.

Been there, and there was no Metafilter to run to in those days. I'm sure The Whelk won't mind -- he's got 30 other spouses, anyway. Right Whelky? (we're full-on into terms of endearment already)

Just imagine the comuppance your break-up-er will get when you tell him "I'm over you, asshole -- look. I've already married 13 people on Metafilter. Loser."

Hah!
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:57 PM on June 17

My safe word gets me in trouble all the time anyway because it's the full text of the Magna Carta in Latin. I don't even speak or read latin.
posted by loquacious at 7:00 PM on June 17

Am I the only one having visions of Allen Ludden telling Betty White that the safeword is taters?

With the advances in computer software, I'd say no.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:00 PM on June 17

Interesting Devils Rancher. On my list of Desired Spousely Qualities, "hard working" and "eats PBJ for lunch" rated. Consider yourself spoused.

Oh, dear -- this is getting confusing.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:01 PM on June 17

So I just checked back on my status, as I was pretty darn confident that I was a Mefi bachelor, but no: three spouses. I'm tickled pink!
posted by ob at 7:10 PM on June 17

I want more internet spouses. I'm single, I've got a nice gig at the library, and I like bicycles, beer, jazz and tattoos.
(Foci and I have an understanding.)
posted by box at 7:11 PM on June 17

This is awesome. At this point, we can basically declare ourselves the Metafilter Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:15 PM on June 17

I hope we get monogrammed satin jackets that say "Spoused!" on the back.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:17 PM on June 17

Damn, I miss out on all the fun threads.
posted by blucevalo at 7:17 PM on June 17

Shhhh, just relax. It's a very sexy reamer.

*relaxes*

Well, if it's sexy, then how can I complain?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:17 PM on June 17

Go easy there–that's my wife. Also, take pictures.
posted by Mister_A at 7:34 PM on June 17

'S OK, loquacious, I knew you'd get around to marrying me eventually. For my cooking, no doubt, but that's fine - it's how I bagged my real-life husband. And I think dirtynumbangelboy is trying to score a cook to supplement his roommate the baker. (Now that we're married, can I move in with you guys? I want to share the pie and scones!) To the rest of my MeFi spouses, let me know when you'll be home for dinner.

> So lonely.

Littlest brussels sprout, I feel your pain and I'd e-spouse you except ... well, I can't stand Brussels sprouts. Y' know, a lot of people don't like 'em either - have you thought about changing your name to something like Cheez Whiz or Microwave Popcorn? Just trying to help.
posted by Quietgal at 7:35 PM on June 17

Well, Bunny, if you're looking for the moral to the story, it would seem that you got spoused (repeatedly) yet you didn't get kissed, so to speak. Hope Ralph's ok with that.
posted by effluvia at 7:54 PM on June 17

Ah, Enspoucellation - it's less ambiguous than the favourites system!

I got back from a hard day at work and was surprised to find that I've been spoused by both Brandon Blatcher and Foci for Analysis.

Thanks guys, I'm touched, I really am.

.
..
...

Now move your hands before I cut them off, you bloody perverts. :-)
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 8:02 PM on June 17

Obligatory
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 8:08 PM on June 17

Devils Rancher come to the fold! Join the ship! yes the shirts are itchy, we're working on that. Behold! The wide open Sea! The days of peace and the days of terribly exciting war! We need a new arrowman, EattheWeak got taken in by ...birds.

May our children be large and unruly!

Away!
posted by The Whelk at 8:20 PM on June 17

MY SHIP IS A SHIP OF LOVE. LOVE MAKES OUR PLUNDER STRONGER.
posted by The Whelk at 8:25 PM on June 17

Richard Nixon: Hello Morbo. How's the family?
Morbo: Belligerent and numerous!
posted by DecemberBoy at 8:27 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Littlest brussels sprout, I feel your pain and I'd e-spouse you except ... well, I can't stand Brussels sprouts. Y' know, a lot of people don't like 'em either - have you thought about changing your name to something like Cheez Whiz or Microwave Popcorn? Just trying to help.

Sorry, but Mama Sprout always told me that I should never fake marry someone who didn't fake love me as I am.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 8:30 PM on June 17 [4 favorites has favorites]

I'll light the fire
You put burntflowers in the vase
That you bought today

our spouse, is a very very very fine spouse...
fifteen cats in the yard
life used to be so hard
Now everything is easy
'Cause of you
And our la,la,la, la,la, la, la, la, la, la, la.....
posted by lysdexic at 8:34 PM on June 17

I love butter on my brussel sprouts.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:46 PM on June 17

have you thought about changing your name to something like Cheez Whiz or Microwave Popcorn

I suspect they wanted their name to be food-related...
posted by pompomtom at 8:49 PM on June 17

for those who may not know, Devils Rancher also knows how to print t-shirts! total catch. :)

Brandon, Foci: can one of you put the laundry in the dryer?

::looks around::

ok, fine, I'll do it myself.

::pouts::
posted by epersonae at 8:49 PM on June 17

Metafilter Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints

The MFLDS? Sure! That won't be misinterpreted at all!
posted by zarq at 8:53 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

The littlest brussels sprouts are always the sweetest. :)
posted by zarq at 8:57 PM on June 17

You know what I can't believe? I can't believe that only just recently does "True Blood" become a TV show. Because I figure there's only a couple of billion people who are into vampires and fucking and bad acting.
posted by middleclasstool at 9:10 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

As an infrequent poster, but near-constant lurker, I'd like to take this opportunity to speak on behalf of my (mostly) silent, yet ever-watchful brethren.

At this very moment, while this thread rejoices with rice-throwing and open-bar-raiding and bridesmaid-hitting-on and all the myriad trappings of massively multiuser online polygamy, there are untold numbers of MeFites out there, alone, without any contacts, much less internet spouses. They sit in their chairs, or on their couches, alone in their underwear, their faces illuminated only by the flickering glow of their monitors, witnessing the joy of ASCII matrimony pass before their eyes, wishing they could participate and get internet hitched too.

Why don't they, you ask? Maybe they have crippling social anxiety. Maybe they were born without hands and cannot type, the poor handless bastards. Who knows? They're out there, internet-single and in pain. So when you go off on your iHoneymoons, please just take a moment, and remember them.

.
posted by maqsarian at 9:12 PM on June 17 [5 favorites has favorites]

I love butter on my brussel sprouts.

Slicked with olive oil and broiled.

Yowwwwwrrr!
posted by palliser at 9:13 PM on June 17

You know what I can't believe? I can't believe that only just recently does "True Blood" become a TV show.

Well, they did have "Dark Shadows". Less fucking, way more bad acting, but not far off.

I love "True Blood". Do not mess with mah Sookie.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:14 PM on June 17 [2 favorites has favorites]

As a former, and I stress *former*, spouse I would like to know what contributions his multi-tudinous new ... alliances/marriages/affairs .... are prepared to make to *the Whelk*'s upkeep? Clearly, he needs an education, but I would prefer a daily maid, who will pick up the constant mess .... Oh, and yes, someone, preferably for the person, hard of hearing, who does not have to process the constant inane commentary. My first question to ask.metafilter will be "How do I stop a relationship a trois when one of the members is Mr. Metafilter?" His average of: (quote) "I have to check [the thread]" equates exactly with his need to "go to the bathroom". Is this a co-incidence? I sincerely thank you all for exposing. You are all invited to an extended (ex)-family Thanksgiving in New York. Many thanks for your money, no I insist, you are sending, but I must get back to my pipe organ. (And I never check metafilter when I have to pee.)
posted by Great Swell at 9:20 PM on June 17

Go on... spouse me (and my new Hollywood look).
posted by gman at 9:22 PM on June 17

OH SHIT! Everyone! Hide! There under the table and-oh!

Hi honey!

How are you? How was work? I didn't expect-oh I see well can I get you a drink? Wonderful, I just No! No! don't sit there, I'm ..cleaning it, just NO! not there just..stand. Let me get you that drink *gulp*
posted by The Whelk at 9:23 PM on June 17

Re: the Law & Order sound:

You're all wrong! According to Dick Wolf himself, it's 'ching ching'
posted by jedicus at 9:28 PM on June 17

The only wedding gift you'll (and just you not your spouses) get is a nice dinner. Possibly of grilled cheese.

If you wanted to get me a toaster we can melt together.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:30 PM on June 17

Bad news, spouses. Thunderstorms have left the basement ankle-deep in shit-water. I think I just saw Gollum down there. Anyway, see you all at 8 a.m. sharp. Wear your gaiters.
posted by palliser at 9:40 PM on June 17

I have spouses! I have spouses! *pause* I don't even know my spouses. This is silly. *pause* Anybody still need a spouse?
posted by scalefree at 9:41 PM on June 17

Anybody still need a spouse?

*Sniff* Yes. But maybe we could just do it for a week or two? I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with long-term commitment with my spouse.
posted by Dasein at 9:53 PM on June 17

I can't stop! I CAN'T STOP ENSPOUCENATING PEOPLE!

And I'm not even a little sorry about it. This thread is filling me with a heady sense of happy recklessness. (And a weirdly focused desire to see it out to the bitter end...)
posted by Hellgirl at 9:54 PM on June 17

I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with long-term commitment with my spouse.

S'pouse you try it out for, say, a month. I think you'll be spoused with the results.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:57 PM on June 17

I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with long-term commitment with my spouse.

That's OK, I decided to adopt you instead. You're like the son I never had.
posted by scalefree at 10:04 PM on June 17

I just tried to explain this thread to someone from outside the MetaSpouse world. It's a difficult thing to do.
posted by Hellgirl at 10:08 PM on June 17

I used to be a sadistic, necrophiliac bestialist.

Ahem. We prefer 'bestialitron'.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:45 PM on June 17

*Throws rice, lots of rice.*
posted by peeedro at 11:11 PM on June 17

I just want my spouses to know I have certain needs. It may require you to be double jointed.
posted by tkchrist at 11:14 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

*crawls out of a Puffin's stomach, crawls back onboard*

Hellgirl - I admire your reckless resolve. SPOUSED!
posted by EatTheWeak at 11:25 PM on June 17

Randy Spouse Git
posted by scody at 11:32 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

We're gonna need a bigger boat.
posted by Meatbomb at 11:33 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

keep rowing, ye poly lubbers!
posted by EatTheWeak at 11:45 PM on June 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Guys, I stepped away from the computer for a couple of hours (I know!), and I couldn't stop giggling about Alia's title for this thread. "He ain't Ralph." I don't know why, there's just this pithy genius to it. Thanks, Alia, for the giggle, and also for introducing me to the joys of cyberpolygamy!
posted by JenMarie at 12:01 AM on June 18

I only have two internet spouses at the moment and those are BB, who seems to be amassing quite the harem, and Hellgirl, whose enthusiasm could not be ignored. I've been tempted all day to wantonly spouse. This has been the most fun thread to read in a long while. It even made me smile a lot at work, and that's saying something.
posted by lilywing13 at 12:12 AM on June 18

Also, Hellgirl's askme answer history was the deciding factor for me, in addition to her enthusiasm. Despite how my real-life marriage history looks, I'm pretty picky.

My maternal grandfather's name was Ralph, but he generally went by a family nickname. The only time my grandmother called him Ralph was when she was angry at him. Other than that, the only time I have an association with the name is Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which St. Alia and her husband may not appreciate, but being associated with Terence Stamp can't be all bad, right? I mean, he was General Zod, etc.
posted by lilywing13 at 12:21 AM on June 18

Lily, I can no longer resist you. Consider yourself me-married to me! Like, yeah, you are.

ps. I got sort of proposal happy and nailed a bunch of y'all. Yes, I now have a harem! However, if I don't get any reciprocal love I might engage in mass divorce. I'm kinda petty like that.
posted by JenMarie at 12:42 AM on June 18

Hey, you awake?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:46 AM on June 18

Lilywing - Citing General Zod? SPOUSED!
posted by EatTheWeak at 12:51 AM on June 18

JenMarie, hooray! I have reciprocated our spousalhood. So please don't divorce me. It might make me sad.

BB, I'm awake. What do you want. Certainly not spousal privileges, I hope. ;)
posted by lilywing13 at 12:53 AM on June 18

I'm not all that surprised I have no spouses. I'm a terrible cook, I don't clean, I put my job ahead of everything, I don't earn much money and I'm lazy in bed.
posted by shelleycat at 1:19 AM on June 18

To shelleycat and all potential spouses, I'm a pretty good cook and I'm used to cooking for a pretty big crowd. Also, if I smoke various herbs, I'm extra domestic and tend to clean or do dishes. Massages of my bad back or tired feet are extra appreciated.
posted by lilywing13 at 1:25 AM on June 18

Also, if I smoke various herbs...

lilywing13, I think you are talking about marijuana. You are talking about smoking marijuana, aren't you?
posted by Meatbomb at 1:41 AM on June 18

Meatbomb, I'm about to spouse you, but I will not admit to illegal activities in the US for any spouse; I hope you understand.
posted by lilywing13 at 1:43 AM on June 18

If someone would marry me - that'd be really nice.

Mr Wyvern thinks we're all nuts and won't join me here.... :(
posted by She Kisses Wyverns at 3:11 AM on June 18

I went to bed drunk and woke up married. Again.
posted by thinkpiece at 3:41 AM on June 18 [3 favorites has favorites]

I'm not allowed to get married in 18 states, after what I did to those mashed potatoes during that party.
posted by inigo2 at 3:43 AM on June 18 [3 favorites has favorites]

Mr Wyvern thinks we're all nuts and won't join me here.... :(

No wonder you stray. Mr Wyvernslept slept through anatomy class.
posted by gman at 3:49 AM on June 18

Sorry I changed his name (or he really slept).
posted by gman at 3:54 AM on June 18

6:16 AM. *blinks*

Wasn't ONE of you spouses supposed to set the coffee maker? Whelkypoo? Joan Arkhamumsy?

Don't MAKE me type notes in Comic Sans! *stomps off to Home Depot for refrigerator schedule.*
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:21 AM on June 18

I'm not comfortable with this arrangement. Sloppy 72nds anyone?
posted by gman at 4:30 AM on June 18

What's our longboat record? Wasn't it one of the Palin threads last fall that reached 2,000+ posts? Because it would make my little heart happy if our memarry thread, the giant incestuous ball of debauchery that it is, sailed right past that.
posted by shiu mai baby at 4:30 AM on June 18

Good luck with that. I think the thread in question had 5000+ comments.
*'Debbie Downer' spouse.
posted by gman at 4:51 AM on June 18

Metafilter: introducing me to the joys of cyberpolygamy
posted by namewithoutwords at 5:07 AM on June 18

The Palin thread went to 5555, so there's a ways to go.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:10 AM on June 18

We're not gonna beat the Palin thread without a significant uptick in ardor. That said, I think I'm going to go e-spouse some of the prominent MetaTalkites who haven't shown up in this thread yet, just for the added WTF? factor.
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:19 AM on June 18

Woo hoo!! I have three new spouses!!

And since one of them is BB, by the six-degrees-of-matrimony rule, I think I'm married to the whole freaking internet, going all the way back to Al and Tipper Gore.

I'll be gone all day, but just wanted to say good morning to my new webby-husbands-and-wives.
posted by marsha56 at 5:29 AM on June 18

DR, I'll make the coffee but I warn you: I like it like I like my men...very light and sweet and sometimes flavored. (This morning was coconut!)
posted by JoanArkham at 5:44 AM on June 18

I prefer either a long black coffee, or an espresso. I don't know what that says.

Hold the cream, though. Definitely.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:48 AM on June 18

Time to put the Heinlein anthology down.

Yeah. This thread is totally like the end of Time Enough for Love. Arrrgh! I'm a time-traveling space-faring polysexual multi-spoused immortal! Arrrgh!
posted by octobersurprise at 5:53 AM on June 18

Almost 800 comments. I'm convinced we'll hit a thousand before this marriage progresses to the anal sex stage.
posted by middleclasstool at 6:16 AM on June 18

DR, I'll make the coffee but I warn you: I like it like I like my men...very light and sweet and sometimes flavored.

I like my coffee like I like my wimmin -- dark and tepid. We'll get along fine -- I'm pretty light & sweet, and I think I've got an old expired tube of coconut suntan lotion around here, somewhere.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:16 AM on June 18

Yeah. This thread is totally like the end of Time Enough for Love.

I was really hoping for something more like the previously expurgated sections of Stranger in a Strange Land, myself.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:18 AM on June 18

before this marriage progresses to the anal sex stage.

Oh, seems I've been doing it wrong.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:20 AM on June 18

Wow - you now have like 10 "spouses". This gives me an idea.

Everyone - Listen to me carefully...

Someone to whom does not owe me money to has SENT ME A LOT OF MONEY. What recourse do I have?
posted by seanyboy at 6:21 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

IF YOU DON'T FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO TEN OF YOUR SPOUSES IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, YOU WILL SUFFER MISFORTUNE AND BE PLACED ON COFFEE DUTY INDEFINITELY.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:25 AM on June 18

before this marriage progresses to the anal sex stage.

I take it you've never met me...
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:28 AM on June 18

Mr Esteemed seanyboy,

I have especially select you from over ONE MILLION internet users as a potential Partner in a mutual benficial Transaction.

Please email me shortly with detail of bank account number and all passwords. Following your prompt response, I (son-in-law of CHIEF MODERATOR VACAPINTA of MetaFliter) will arrange for transfer of 25% of cabal spouses to your esteemed self.

I look forward to reply from your Noble Self.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:29 AM on June 18

I'm gonna say this once - UbuRoivas will not use condoms. You've been warned.
posted by gman at 6:29 AM on June 18

Damn, I forgot just how long of a longboat the Palin thread was. That sucker was pretty epic.

As for coffee: black as night and sweet as sin, if you please.

Actually, that's a complete lie. I like it to taste like coffee ice cream, but I always thought ordering it black as night and sweet as sin is a thousand times cooler. Something that should be done whilst smoking a cigarette in a long lacquered cigarette holder, natch.
posted by shiu mai baby at 6:29 AM on June 18

Hey, you awake?

*Am actually awake but not in the mood, so will pretend to be asleep, as evidenced by a cranky grunt and frowning (while never opening my eyes), because that is what someone who was really asleep would do, probably.*
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:30 AM on June 18

UbuRoivas will not use condoms.

that's because they haven't invented the condom yet that can take on the job. *WOOAHFF*
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:32 AM on June 18

Yeah, he claims 'they don't fit'... and I imagine they wouldn't, but not for the reason he thinks.
posted by gman at 6:36 AM on June 18

Espresso Love's alright.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:36 AM on June 18

gman: did you direct me to the elephant pharmacy, you bastard? i totally specified whale, WHALE!
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:40 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

I love butter on my brussel sprouts.

Slicked with olive oil and broiled.

Butter? Ok. But broiled? Don't make me call the women's shelter, y'all.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:48 AM on June 18

Good morning, my 9 beloved spouses! The coffee's been made, would any of you like a cup? I'm so happy I'm married to each and every one of you. XOXOXOXOX
posted by Maisie at 6:48 AM on June 18

Good morning, spouses! Oh, we're doing coffee analogies? I like my coffee black, strong, and sweet.
posted by desuetude at 6:48 AM on June 18

Slicked with olive oil and broiled.

Butter? Ok. But broiled?

But what about slicked with olive oil?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:54 AM on June 18

At last count I had 4 spouses (thank you, those who espoused me!). This is great!
posted by blucevalo at 6:55 AM on June 18

Wow, it's still in effect. I reckon there's a way to go before we hit peak limerence... Happy afternoon, spouses mine!
posted by freya_lamb at 6:56 AM on June 18

But what about slicked with olive oil?

....Only if I'm not responsible for cleaning/replacing the sheets. Have you ever gotten olive oil on fabric? What a nightmare.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 6:58 AM on June 18

Oh! Coffee?

COVERED IN BEES
posted by subbes at 7:00 AM on June 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

Bees Schmees.

FEEL THE LOVE!
posted by freya_lamb at 7:03 AM on June 18

Good morning, spouses!
posted by desuetude at 8:48 AM

Time for you to spouse-up there, ma'am.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:06 AM on June 18

I woke up this morning having been not only multiply-spoused, but also Me-mailed. It's like finding a little bundle of metafiltery joy on my doorstep.
posted by marginaliana at 7:08 AM on June 18

desuetude: Oh, we're doing coffee analogies?

I like my spouses like I like my coffee... in a plastic cup.
posted by marginaliana at 7:09 AM on June 18

It is 3PM here in London and time for tea. Scones with jam and clotted cream for my splendid spouses.
posted by Pallas Athena at 7:10 AM on June 18

Time for you to spouse-up there, ma'am.

I've been enspousenated. As for the spousing, well, I'm a little commitment-shy. (Also, still reviewing applications.)
posted by desuetude at 7:11 AM on June 18

Morning, dears. I like my coffee black and my morning news in a dying format, please. A paper or a telegraph machine will do nicely, thank you.
posted by EatTheWeak at 7:12 AM on June 18

Okay GMT spouses, who wants afternoon tea? I have biscuits, your favorite kind and everything.
posted by minifigs at 7:19 AM on June 18

I like my spouses like I like my coffee: bitter and cold.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 7:20 AM on June 18

EatTheWeak: How about HD-DVD?
posted by DWRoelands at 7:26 AM on June 18

I like my spouses like I like my coffee: Icy, naturally sweet and with a straw.

I don't know what that means.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:33 AM on June 18

Woke up to more spouses this morning. And to think my mom said I'd never find anyone.
posted by sephira at 7:35 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Wow. Married to the Meme. The rainbow at last comes full circle. Perhaps a separate site, EorgE, the eharmony for alternatives. Poor pony. The ultimate meatup. Completely corrupted by those espousing marriage.
posted by effluvia at 7:37 AM on June 18

DWRoelands - oh, snap!
posted by EatTheWeak at 7:39 AM on June 18

Marrying people is pretty cool. But going to bed and waking up to spouses is awesome. Woo hoo!
posted by nooneyouknow at 7:40 AM on June 18

But going to bed and waking up to spouses is awesome.

Like every bad romantic comedy involving Las Vegas.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:44 AM on June 18

Excellent; I have just acquired several more spouses. Would one of you find out where the terrifying odor of cat piss in the living room is coming from and fix it? Please?
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:45 AM on June 18

What happens on Metafilter stays on Metafilter.
posted by zarq at 7:46 AM on June 18

I read this thread late last night, after a long crappy day. And it made me smile. And then I dreamed about a Viking wedding reception, where everyone was dressed in Viking wedding attire and carrying half-eaten giant turkey legs, but had no recognizable facial features. And it was, you know, not really that different from my own RL wedding reception.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 7:50 AM on June 18

Good morning, spouses. I'm drinking lukewarm coffee and watching Brazil v. USA in the Confederations Cup. It's going pretty much as one would expect.
posted by JenMarie at 7:58 AM on June 18

Dammit, sephira, I don't have time to reread that whole viking thread today! (But it's so damn hysterical!)
posted by marginaliana at 8:02 AM on June 18

I love eetsy brussels sprouts. So I married one.
posted by zennie at 8:08 AM on June 18

Cool, I hadn't seen that Viking thread before. I like the "nerdfight" tag. Not quite good as Nerd Thunderdome, though.
posted by JenMarie at 8:10 AM on June 18

*Hands Devils Rancher a mug*

This mug represents the only known portal to the Elemental Coffee Plane, the pocket of the universe containing the most pure platonic form of coffee ..of which all other coffee are mere shadows of. It will never empty.

Enjoy, but be warned. This is ultimate coffee, so strong and flavorful and powerful that you must sip it. Slowly. Don't do what Meatbomb did when I gave him the day-pass to the Floating Vapor World Of Bong. I mean, he's alive and ...happy I guess, if you can call that living.

Also, I like my coffee like I like my men, pale and bitter.
posted by The Whelk at 8:19 AM on June 18

Oh and My Lovely Spouses, just a heads up, here is what you can expect our life together to be like.
posted by The Whelk at 8:24 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Nice to come back and see I had been well and truly spoused.

I love my five me-spouses very much.

Now if one of you could bring me some chocolate?
posted by She Kisses Wyverns at 8:24 AM on June 18

Last night I had the strangest dream....

what's all this then?

yeah I just woke up... so?
posted by jessamyn at 8:24 AM on June 18

How can you be sure you're awake?
posted by The Whelk at 8:29 AM on June 18

No vikings.
posted by zennie at 8:36 AM on June 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

I tried to explain this all to the (first) Mr. Arkham and asked him if he would be angry if he signed on to a website and found out that someone else had claimed me as a "spouse".

He just sort of looked at me like I'd asked him for a lightly grilled weasel on a bun, shook his head, and muttered "you crazy Metafilter kids"...
posted by JoanArkham at 8:39 AM on June 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

Four-Eyed Girl, you are internet-single no longer! I too am a girl in glasses who used to work in a library...and has um, five cats. Comic books are take 'em or leave 'em, tho. :) Also, we have the same birthday! (And I used to work at a community college.)

Perhaps I am doing it wrong...do we need a category for doppelganger?
posted by epersonae at 12:44 PM on June 17 [+] [!]

That's creepy. A category for doppelganger is definitely called for in this situation. Are doppelgangers allowed to marry in the U.S.? I don't think that's legal yet.

I can't believe a day passes, and I suddenly have eleven spouses. How is a teacher's salary supposed to support that many people? You all can't just stay home and watch TV and clean. That's right. You're going to have to get jobs. Someone's going to have to help me put pizza on the table every night!
posted by Four-Eyed Girl at 8:39 AM on June 18

Morning Spouses! I'm really sorry I didn't have time to cleanup the cat puke in the hall (or in the bathroom, or the office) but if you could clean that up before I get home I will gladly make dinner (pizza) when I get off work. THANKS!
posted by Big_B at 8:40 AM on June 18

I wish I had a harem!
posted by WalterMitty at 8:40 AM on June 18

Okay, which of you spouses drank all the coffee but didn't make a new pot? Bad spouses! Bad!
posted by rtha at 8:43 AM on June 18

mygothlaundry, I have espoused you even with the mysterious cat-piss odor. That's how you know it's true love.
posted by Pallas Athena at 8:45 AM on June 18

All this talk of coffee is getting me hot.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:46 AM on June 18

^{^}jessamyn: "yeah I just woke up... so?"

So! Coffee?
posted by not_on_display at 8:46 AM on June 18

Hello lovely spouses, new and slightly-less new! I awoke to find my late-night enthusiasm for this espousal business a bit tempered by the cold, hard, light of day (and also by being reminded of just how long that Palin thread was).

I thought I'd cheer myself up by seeking out various and random "Ralphs" on the internets, and look what I found:

Ralph on being "sensitive" in romantic relationships.

In my head, this is the eponymous Ralph of this thread.

Enthusiasm fully restored!! I'm Tresvant-dancing my newlywed love for you all! (I'm being careful to dance around the cat puke, though...)
posted by Hellgirl at 8:47 AM on June 18

*Hands Devils Rancher a mug*

This mug represents the only known portal to the Elemental Coffee Plane, the pocket of the universe containing the most pure platonic form of coffee ..of which all other coffee are mere shadows of. It will never empty.

*accepts, knowingly*

I scouted around a bit for a new home--

"Coffin?- Spouter?- Rather ominous in that particular connexion, thought I. But it is a common name in Nantucket, they say, and I suppose this Peter here is an emigrant from there. As the light looked so dim, and the place, for the time, looked quiet enough, and the dilapidated little wooden house itself looked as if it might have been carted here from the ruins of some burnt district, and as the swinging sign had a poverty-stricken sort of creak to it, I thought that here was the very spot for cheap lodgings, and the best of pea coffee."

Oohh, looks like a cuuute little fixer-upper. Great place to start a family!
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:56 AM on June 18

All this talk of coffee is getting me hot.

Not now, we have a headache.
posted by JenMarie at 8:57 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

We'll thanks this over back at the Compound.

C'mon, there has to be at least one.
posted by The Whelk at 8:58 AM on June 18

Think it over. Thanksing is a private matter.

Also, as of this morning I am The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb-Bits-Readery-Subbes-Apathy-Rancher-Girl-Symmetry-Marsha-Wiess.
posted by The Whelk at 9:06 AM on June 18

This thread is long, so I skipped a lot of it.

Did we figure out who was dumbest dummy out of St Alia and her husband?
posted by Sys Rq at 9:06 AM on June 18

My (first) wife's coming back from a trip tonight. I'm not sure how she'll react when I tell her she's now part of the MeFi Big Love^TM community.
posted by lukemeister at 9:08 AM on June 18

I've put a down payment on a nice little valley fortress in the North Cascades. We can convert a couple of the barracks to nurseries and plant crops off to the side on the rifle range. I'll have to double-check with my Realtor, but I think we'll have all the equipment we need to make all our Kool-Aid onsite.
posted by EatTheWeak at 9:11 AM on June 18

So, uh... who gets their lanterns lighted tonight?
posted by katillathehun at 9:17 AM on June 18

Did we figure out who was dumbest dummy out of St Alia and her husband?

Look, if you're going to pull an Eideterk, you can get the hell off the compound.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:18 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh and My Lovely Spouses, just a heads up, here is what you can expect our life together to be like.
posted by The Whelk at 11:24 AM on June 18 [+] [!]

The Whelk, I hope you don't mind, but I me-married you after clicking the link you provided.

As a side note, when I told Mr. Maisie about this thread last night, he thought it was hysterical. This thread has had me smiling and laughing all day.
posted by Maisie at 9:18 AM on June 18

good lord
posted by bwanabetty at 9:20 AM on June 18

Maisie: no problem! I'll just ...append to the name. And there. I like people who like heavy drinking AND online comic t-shirts.

I was also wearing an American Flag cape. I can't quite remember why.
posted by The Whelk at 9:23 AM on June 18

Also, as of this morning I am The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb-Bits-Readery-Subbes-Apathy-Rancher-Girl-Symmetry-Marsha-Wiess.

-jerseygirl.

Yeah I slept on it and decided, "Sure, why not?"

Please pick up a your new hyphenalicious spouse nametag at the Compound concierge desk please.
posted by jerseygirl at 9:24 AM on June 18

I was also wearing an American Flag cape. I can't quite remember why.

Maybe you put it on to dress up for our wedding?
posted by Maisie at 9:25 AM on June 18

I also skipped almost all of it, but I have to know: is she the Bunny Lady of Oregon?
posted by pracowity at 9:25 AM on June 18

I also skipped almost all of it, but I have to know: is she the Bunny Lady of Oregon?

You'll have to marry us all before we spill the beans. We're family, you know.
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:30 AM on June 18

MR EDWARDS

Myfanwy Price!

MISS PRICE

Mr Mog Edwards!

MR EDWARDS

I am a draper mad with love. I love you more than all the
flannelette and calico, candlewick, dimity, crash and merino,
tussore, cretonne, crepon, muslin, poplin, ticking and twill
in the whole Cloth Hall of the world. I have come to take
you away to my Emporium on the hill, where the change hums
on wires. Throw away your little bedsocks and your Welsh
wool knitted jacket, I will warm the sheets like an electric
toaster, I will lie by your side like the Sunday roast.

MISS PRICE

I will knit you a wallet of forget-me-not blue, for the
money, to be comfy. I will warm your heart by the fire so
that you can slip it in under your vest when the shop is
closed.

MR EDWARDS

Myfanwy, Myfanwy, before the mice gnaw at your bottom drawer
will you say

MISS PRICE

Yes, Mog, yes, Mog, yes, yes, yes.

MR EDWARDS

And all the bells of the tills of the town shall ring for
our wedding.

[Noise of money-tills and chapel bells]

*Sob!*
posted by Jofus at 9:30 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

I just want to stress that it's quite obvious I'm not racist or a homophobe, since ~~I have a black friend~~ I'm fake internet married to a black guy.
posted by graventy at 9:34 AM on June 18

Somebody seems to be working on marrying everybody. Not that I'm jealous.
posted by fish tick at 9:38 AM on June 18

Look, I'll marry you all, but I'm keeping my maiden name goddammit.
posted by little e at 9:46 AM on June 18

You know what this thread needs?

Limericks.
posted by marginaliana at 9:47 AM on June 18

Pro-tip: Don't buy the generic Indian-made Viagra.
*sorry if I disappointed a bunch of you last night
posted by gman at 9:50 AM on June 18

I know how to make Viagra candy. (not a joke)
posted by little e at 9:51 AM on June 18

Pro-tip: Don't buy the generic Indian-made Viagra.

Exactly.

*finishes cigarette. crosses name off list. Turns on a lamp outside the door*

NEXT!
posted by The Whelk at 9:52 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

There once was a saint of the bunnies,
Who complained about being labeled everyone's honey.
So she took it to Metatalk,
And all 90,000 members balked.
And the thread was really quite funny.
posted by Maisie at 9:54 AM on June 18 [6 favorites has favorites]

There once was a thread with no limmericks
And everyone was perfectly happy with that.

On preview: No, really. No limmericks. Most people don't get the meter right, and as a result, it's a tedious exercise.
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:56 AM on June 18

I know how to make Viagra candy. (not a joke)
posted by little e

I know I partied with you last night cause my serotonin is paying for it today.
posted by gman at 9:58 AM on June 18

^{^}The Whelk: "NEXT!"

Uhh hi, I'm here to sign up for an adventure. My name is Smoke-Too-Much, Mr. Smoke-Too-Much.
posted by not_on_display at 9:58 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

here to sign up for an adventure.

Adventuerous are we? Well well well.

I'll get the octopus.
posted by The Whelk at 10:01 AM on June 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

Adventuerous are we? Well well well.
I'll get the octopus.

Hmm, those might be marryin' words.
posted by desuetude at 10:08 AM on June 18

I was holding out on internet marrying The Whelk then Bam! Dresden Codak t-shirt! it's like oysters to me.
posted by minifigs at 10:12 AM on June 18

I will forgive the rampant misuse of the term "longboat" to mean "long thread" if you would all just stop eating the effin plums.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:28 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hmm, those might be marryin' words.

I am using that line the next time I need bluff my way out of a fight.
posted by generichuman at 10:33 AM on June 18

This is Just to Say

I have longboated
the thread
that was a
serious discussion

and which
you were probably
saving
for a flameout

Forgive me
it was contentious
so snarky
and so cold
posted by Rock Steady at 10:41 AM on June 18 [5 favorites has favorites]

In MetaTalk one Tuesday late in June,
Mrs. Alia of the Bunnies said,
"My pure fidelity ye may impugn
By checking off yon box marking us wed,"
As would nineteen by Thursday afternoon!
Now, what on earth was going through her head,
As she complained to ev'ry armèd goon
Of open'd veins, when yet she barely bled?
Divorce proceedings shall commenceth soon,
And surely Keith will find himself well fed,
His Honour handing husband all the boon;
The Hagiography, Vols. Bee through Zed,
However, are awarded to the loon,
Who should have thought before she posteded.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:41 AM on June 18

894th!
posted by not_on_display at 10:47 AM on June 18

179th division of 5!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:51 AM on June 18

In a Metatalk thread one day
A Saint stopped by to say,
"See, here's the thing:
I can only wear one ring."
And so we all bowed down to pray.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:52 AM on June 18

Just don't click on goatspou.se. You've been warned.
posted by The Bellman at 11:02 AM on June 18

Oh, hey, I noticed I just made a goof
Regarding Mr. Saint Alia's name.
Apparently, it's Ralph, not Keith, so... oof.
But whatever; they sorta look the same.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:06 AM on June 18

There once was an Internet site
That feigned the connubial rite
The outcome of this
Was e-wedded bliss
And a virtual honeymoon night.

The reception? A plateful of beans.
(Insiders will know what this means.)
But you and your squeezes
Must work out if grilled cheeses
Are in order. Or any such scenes.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:09 AM on June 18 [10 favorites has favorites]

Metafilter,

32;32;32;32;32;32;32;32; 'xxxxxxxx'
\\****//
\\***//
_~'^ ^'~_
." 32;32; ".
// \\
:* *:
:* *:
\\ //
'", ,"'
^~.._..~^
posted by wretched_rhapsody at 11:10 AM on June 18

Oops. Metafilter, that was supposed to be an elegant marriage proposal with a beautiful diamond ring. Instead, the ring got run over by a truck, and now you will never marry me *sniffle*.
posted by wretched_rhapsody at 11:13 AM on June 18

I thought it was a dead possum, in which case my answer would've been a resounding YES!
posted by katillathehun at 11:18 AM on June 18

Argh... coffee... coffee... *stumbles in to kitchen* coffee... ARRGH WHATTHEFUCKINGSHIT there's 50 people in my kitchen and no coffee arrgh!!!
posted by loquacious at 11:22 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Uhh hi, I'm here to sign up for an adventure. My name is Smoke-Too-Much, Mr. Smoke-Too-Much.

Wait, wait, wait. It quite clearly says Throat Warbler Mangrove on this here marriage certificate. Hell, it's only 1:20 PM, and I obviously have no idea of who-all I've married today.

Package tour?
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:23 AM on June 18

I will forgive the rampant misuse of the term "longboat" to mean "long thread" if you would all just stop eating the effin plums.

Nice try, but The Whelk and I are already married to the sea.

Oh, what the hell -- there's room for you on his boat.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:30 AM on June 18

My next band is so gonna be called Pileon-Weak-Tron
posted by jtron at 11:32 AM on June 18

this one's going out to everyone who's been lucky in spousing, and everyone who's still trying:

won't you add me as a contact, add me as a contact baby?
I'm gonna add you as a contact, add you as a contact tonight
we all clicked into this thread for one special lady
then we turned round and spoused everybody in sight
so add me as a contact, add me as a contact, honey
I'm gonna add you as a contact, add you as a contact, too
your summer evening comments are just so funny
baby, favorites alone just ain't good enough for you

everybody now!

ooh, add me as a contact (spouse me as a contact)
add you as a contact (spouse you as contact)
so many spouses (need so many houses)
messing up my sidebar (spouses in my sidebar)
married in a longboat (gonna row a longboat)
gotta print some t-shirts (sell a lotta t-shirts)
spouse me as a contact (spouse you as a contact)
spouse you-hooo-oooooo-ooo-hooo aaaaaaas a coh-honn-taaact ....
posted by EatTheWeak at 11:33 AM on June 18

Mr. Chips and the Weak Sauce.
posted by loquacious at 11:38 AM on June 18

*sips coffee*
posted by loquacious at 11:39 AM on June 18

I recommend the Joe Vs. The Volcano approach to marriage:

Waponi Chief (Abe freakin' Vigoda): Do you want to marry him?
Patricia: Yes.
Waponi Chief: Do you want to marry her?
Joe Banks: Yes.
Waponi Chief: Good. You're married.
Joe Banks: [shaking the Chief's hand] Thank you, Chief.
Patricia: Thank you, Chief.
Waponi Chief: I'm going now.

I've been trying to catch up on this thread for days now and between reading and favoriting and spousing everyone... I just don't know how to keep up.

We should call Abe Vigoda. He'll know what to do.
posted by MrVisible at 11:40 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dear Metafilter,

Let's try that again, shall we? Expert Mefite jeweler Pronoiac kindly helped me fix the engagement ring (and my lack of knowledge about ascii art, which would have made me wholly unworthy of your hand).

*gets down on one knee*

     :xxxxxxx:
      \\***//
       \\*//
     _~'^^^'~_
   ."         ".
  //           \\
 :*             *:
 :*             *:
  \\           //
   :,         ,:
     ^~.._..~^

Will you marry me now?

(dead possums also available)
posted by wretched_rhapsody at 11:42 AM on June 18 [8 favorites has favorites]

I recommend the Spaceballs approach to marriage.

Do you?
Yes.
Do you?
Yes.
Good, you're married; kiss her.
posted by marginaliana at 11:43 AM on June 18

Hmm, those might be marryin' words.

Those are marryin' words.
posted by nooneyouknow at 11:45 AM on June 18

Let's try that again, shall we?

"Have you... The Wing?"
"Man and Wife! Say Man and Wife!"
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:48 AM on June 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

wretched_rhapsody, I will internet marry anyone who posts ASCII art, indecipherable or not. Consider yourself enspousenated.
posted by maqsarian at 11:50 AM on June 18

They call me St. Alia
of the fuzzy critters
And I hang out here
on the Metafilters
I'm harmless and fluffy
but I got a big mouf'
and my only real spouse is a guy named Ralph

I started this thread
I have to admit
And the mods promptly lost
most control of it
But my buds are all good
at overthinking the beans
and the jokes keep flying
'long with honeymoon scenes

So the moral of the story
According to the Bunny
Is all IS well that ENDS well
-as long as it's funny.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:56 AM on June 18 [6 favorites has favorites]

I received my 666th favorite today, given to me by Reverend John, in a thread started by a Saint
posted by jtron at 11:58 AM on June 18 [3 favorites has favorites]

Irony isn't dead. It's just gotten married and is quite busy with the family these days.

*petitions XFN for an "ironic spouse" designation. One which is hopefully not mutually exclusive with "sibling" or whatever else you sick fucks want to put*
posted by Eideteker at 11:59 AM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Does this mean the meet-ups are going to me more awkward, or less awkward?
posted by Midnight Skulker at 12:04 PM on June 18

And the mods promptly lost
most control of it

Are you kidding? This was my plan all along.
posted by jessamyn at 12:06 PM on June 18 [4 favorites has favorites]

You have all been spoused. All 260-something of you.

You're welcome.
posted by toomuchpete at 12:07 PM on June 18 [10 favorites has favorites]

You aren't kidding.
posted by flatluigi at 12:09 PM on June 18

Too much, Pete!
posted by dirtdirt at 12:12 PM on June 18

Suddenly, MetaFilter is 10 takes on a whole new meaning.
posted by effluvia at 12:12 PM on June 18

You have all been spoused. All 260-something of you.

This is so awesomely pointless that it actually becomes sort of inspiring.
posted by Skot at 12:20 PM on June 18 [4 favorites has favorites]

this thread has cheered me up a bit ... so thanks!
posted by Julnyes at 12:24 PM on June 18

Hi spouses, I just got up. (I always sleep late, hope you don't mind) is there any coffee left? I don't mind if you microwave it. Just make sure that there's a shot of Jameson in it, ok?
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:24 PM on June 18

At this point I'll bet every Mefite is 6 degrees or fewer from being internet married to Kevin Bacon.
posted by Maisie at 12:25 PM on June 18

Fifteen! Fifteen spouses! Ha Ha Ha Ha /the count

Thanks, Metafilter!

(Uh, spouses? Where's my coffee?)
posted by Space Kitty at 12:25 PM on June 18

You have all been spoused. All 260-something of you.

Must Spouse Faster.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:27 PM on June 18

OMG. I'm sooo married.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:33 PM on June 18

B Blatcher
buh-B Blatcher
Spouse Faster!
[wed-iddy wed weddy wed-iddy-iddy wed]
posted by cortex at 12:35 PM on June 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

Faster, Blatcher! Spouse! Spouse!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:40 PM on June 18

I'm married to Anonymous. We have a lot of trust and shame issues, but the drama makes for lots of passion!
posted by ifjuly at 12:45 PM on June 18

Free grilled cheese sandwich to the 1,000th poster.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:47 PM on June 18

And let me just say: I make a damned fine grilled cheese sandwich, if you catch my drift and I think you do.
posted by shiu mai baby at 12:47 PM on June 18

Faster, Blatcher! Spouse! Spouse!

There's a definite Seussian feeling to this thread. The Mefites Who Have Spouses and the Mefites Who Have Not....
posted by misha at 12:52 PM on June 18

It would be kinda cool if Ralph was the 1,000 poster and he made grilled cheese for everyone. I like Jarlsberg, Ralph, a little Dijon if you please, and freshly brewed Mokka Java. Wifey. Dear.
posted by effluvia at 12:52 PM on June 18

Whee! I'm espoused! It's too much, pete!

It's twoo wuv! That Dweem wifin a dweem!
posted by lysdexic at 12:53 PM on June 18

Seven Spouses For Seven Socks
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:57 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

(dead possums also available)

I'm going to assume that this means that Navajo-style kanagaroo rats wearing ceremonial headdresses, ermine cloaks, and resplenant Grillz are also available. 'Cause that's what I saw in the first one.

And if my assumption is correct, then my answer is YES!
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:02 PM on June 18

Free grilled cheese sandwich to the 1,000th poster.

What's the usual fee?

[waits for it]
posted by desuetude at 1:04 PM on June 18

We haven't actually established a formal cost-structure for it, so we're currently forming a committee to go through a proposal-and-arbitration process to try and create a set of guidelines for pricing, same as in town.
posted by cortex at 1:06 PM on June 18 [5 favorites has favorites]

Bumper Sticker indicating that goods available on MetaFilter reail for the same price in your nearest town.
posted by GuyZero at 1:06 PM on June 18

I took a week off of the internet, and when I came back, everyone was married. I knew it might be isolating, but had no idea to what extent.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 1:08 PM on June 18

Whew, I finally reached the end of this thread!

*clicks preview*

Holy fuck, what is wrong with you people?

And by people I mean you ASCII-embodied mass of hot-lovin' humanity. I kiss you all! Mmmuah!
posted by slogger at 1:09 PM on June 18

All of my new spouses are male, and one is a thirteen year old boy. I'm not exactly sure what this means, or if it's a sign, but maybe I should skip participation in the next few gay marriage threads. Just to even things out.

Aw, man. I can never resist wading in and girling up a sausage party. Consider yourself spoused, you delightful, water-insoluable, cadaverous thing, you.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:12 PM on June 18

If Eddie Murphy made a movie where Eddie Murphy played all the parts and every person in the audience was also Eddie Murphy would anyone who is not Eddie Murphy know about it?
posted by Eideteker at 1:13 PM on June 18

950!
posted by Eideteker at 1:13 PM on June 18

If Eddie Murphy made a movie where Eddie Murphy played all the parts and every person in the audience was also Eddie Murphy would anyone who is not Eddie Murphy know about it?

In a world gone Eddie, sometimes a little light shines through: Tyler Perry's, "Yes, I would know," starring Tyler Perry as Tyler Perry in a Tyler Perry production.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:17 PM on June 18 [3 favorites has favorites]

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!!!!!

EVERYTHING RIGHT!
posted by katillathehun at 1:23 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

If Edie Brickell made a movie about the music of Edie Brickell and then sat down and watched it by herself, it would be a thing that she might or might not be aware of, if you know what I mean.
posted by cortex at 1:26 PM on June 18

d'do ya?
posted by jessamyn at 1:27 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

We heard you like spousing, so we put a spouse in your spouse, you can spouse while you spouse.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:29 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

grilled cheese please
posted by mbd1mbd1 at 1:45 PM on June 18

You can never have too much Pete.

[Insert commas where appropriate]

Heh heh. I said "insert".
posted by deborah at 1:48 PM on June 18

I like my coffee like I like my men: pale, sweet, and with a decent-paying job with opportunities for advancement , and a love of cats and a good appetite wouldn't hurt none either.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:50 PM on June 18

I just got back from the dentist are boy is my mouth painful and bloody!

Wait, I think I screwed that up.

Anyway, everyone is invited to the formal launch of the Colonization ship of the family of The Whelk-Blatcher-Swell-Thespian-Misha-Laundry-Yajna-Angelboy-Pileon-Weak-Tron-Medusa-Pallister-A-Girl-Analyst-Lamb-Bits-Readery-Subbes-Apathy-Rancher-Girl-Symmetry-Marsha-Wiess-Maisie-Girl-Figs-Visible-Pete-Julynes-Everichon-Desuetude. The Ship will undetake a 4-year mission to colonize the Benten-Santiago system. Submissions are still being taken for the name.
posted by The Whelk at 1:58 PM on June 18

Future MeTa thread: "As a user with over 1,000 spouses, I feel qualified to say..."
posted by lysdexic at 1:58 PM on June 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

I have all those things except a decent-paying job. My desire to be an indulgent sugar daddy is crushed by depressing economic realities.

*pout*
posted by The Whelk at 1:59 PM on June 18

Well get hopping! Chefs make shite money until they hit it big.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:06 PM on June 18

I like my coffee like I like my men: pale, sweet, and with a decent-paying job with opportunities for advancement , and a love of cats and a good appetite wouldn't hurt none either.

With coffee like that, who needs men?
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:07 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Dude, I'm a cartoonist and comic book writer. I barely make enough to pay taxes. How bout we double team some unspeakably handsome wealthy son-of-a-shipping-magnate who has a fetish for pasty sarcastic nerds.

Anyone got one lying around?
posted by The Whelk at 2:09 PM on June 18

You take the front, I'll take the back.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:12 PM on June 18

How bout we double team some unspeakably handsome wealthy son-of-a-shipping-magnate who has a fetish for pasty sarcastic nerds.

Double-team the oxes! Ford the fucker!
posted by daniel_charms at 2:13 PM on June 18

You can never have too much Pete.

[Insert commas where appropriate]

You can never have, too much, Pete.
You can; never have too much Pete.
You can never have to mulch peat.
posted by zennie at 2:15 PM on June 18

Mmm... pasty sarcastic nerds.

Better than grilled cheese sandwiches.
posted by MrVisible at 2:18 PM on June 18

You can never have too much teat.
you can never halve the dutch wheat
you can sever half of most Petes.
posted by The Whelk at 2:18 PM on June 18

Why MrVisible, I do declare! You are a fascinating and worldly individual. I had no idea. It's like I've never seen you before!
posted by The Whelk at 2:20 PM on June 18

Toucans never have too much meat.

[nods sagely]
posted by zennie at 2:23 PM on June 18

I make a badass grilled cheese sandwich.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:24 PM on June 18

I keep telling myself that I'm not going to comment in this thread because by the time I do everyone will have moved on, and no one reads this far, etc.

But goddammit, I want to get married!

/checks back in a few hours, finds no one has commented after me, cries
posted by dogmom at 2:24 PM on June 18

I make a bad ass-grilled cheese sandwich.

I have also eaten it, shot and then left.
posted by GuyZero at 2:26 PM on June 18

reads comments

crosses off two questions to ask dnab later.
posted by The Whelk at 2:26 PM on June 18

You're being sarcastic now, aren't you?
posted by MrVisible at 2:26 PM on June 18

"Dude are you being sarcastic?"

"Eh, I don't even know anymore."
posted by The Whelk at 2:28 PM on June 18

Torn between two weblinks
Feelin' like a fool
Linkin' all of you
Is breakin' all the ruuuuules.

OK, I'll show myself out.
posted by effluvia at 2:28 PM on June 18

The Ship will undetake a 4-year mission to colonize the Benten-Santiago system. Submissions are still being taken for the name.

The Gastro Pod.
posted by zarq at 2:31 PM on June 18

I started marrying random people. Maybe there should be a marriage lottery of some kind, though.
posted by dilettante at 2:32 PM on June 18

But goddammit, I want to get married!

Ahem, madam.

reads comments

crosses off two questions to ask dnab later.

I would like to see this list of questions.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:33 PM on June 18

Noun: espousal e'spaw-zul
The act of accepting with approval; favourable reception
Insert 'spouse' where appropriate
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 2:35 PM on June 18

DON'T MARRY ME. IF YOU MARRY ME I WILL SHOW YOU MY FULL GORGON UGLINESS AND YOU WILL BE TURNED TO STONE.
posted by medusa at 2:36 PM on June 18

Shit, now I'm stoned.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:38 PM on June 18 [3 favorites has favorites]

Here is a list of sad people.
posted by Eideteker at 2:41 PM on June 18

I may not be with it enough to contact everyone who lists me as a contact, but I did spouse everyone who spoused me.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:43 PM on June 18

Here is a list of sad people.

*Beams*
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:44 PM on June 18

Yay! I'm married! I tried to think of an appropriate way to express the joy in my heart, but I used Google instead (italics are mine):

The die is cast, come weal, come woe
Two (or more) lives are joined together,
For better or for worse, the link
Which naught but death can sever.
The die is cast, come grief, come joy.
Come richer, or come poorer,
If love but binds the mystic tie,
Blest is the bridal hour.

Oh, and before I forget, I get to be on top.
posted by dogmom at 2:45 PM on June 18

Here is a list of sad people.

I can't remember the last time you made me laugh or told me I was pretty.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:45 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

but I did spouse everyone who spoused me.

Fruitcake.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:45 PM on June 18

I just got spoused.
posted by saulgoodman at 2:46 PM on June 18

Does that make me a bigamist?
posted by saulgoodman at 2:49 PM on June 18

Depends how large you are.
posted by subbes at 2:51 PM on June 18

So this is what Facebook's "It's Complicated" relationship status is for!
posted by toomuchpete at 2:51 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Wow, still at it? Awesome. I have 18 spouses, and I'm interested in making it past two dozen. I bring excellent cooking and party planning skills to the table, along with the librarianly ability to find out anything about anything you want to know, two dogs, and a deep appreciation for your Metafilter obsession. What say you, thread latecomers?
posted by donnagirl at 2:52 PM on June 18

This thread is already beachballing my Firefox. Dagnabbit, one of you spouses buy me a new MacBook for my birthday next week!
posted by subbes at 2:53 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

I may not be with it enough to contact everyone who lists me as a contact, but I did spouse everyone who spoused me.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:43 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

Oh shit, do we have to spouse people back for it to be official? I'm guessing not otherwise St. Alia wouldn't have had anything to complain about in the first place. Oh wait..
posted by Maisie at 2:53 PM on June 18

No, I think one-way marriage is fine. Elijah Wood, for example, still doesn't know he's my husband.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:55 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

If it's only one-way, you don't get to have a wedding reception.
posted by subbes at 2:55 PM on June 18

THIS
posted by cortex at 2:55 PM on June 18

1000!
posted by Eideteker at 2:55 PM on June 18

is sparta
posted by cortex at 2:56 PM on June 18 [3 favorites has favorites]

1000!
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:56 PM on June 18

But you can have a wedding registry, so hey, all the gifts but none of the need to socialize at a party.
posted by subbes at 2:56 PM on June 18

You know, give or take a cortex.
posted by Eideteker at 2:56 PM on June 18

Curse my desire to post something meaningful.
posted by subbes at 2:57 PM on June 18

The "Status" field on the profile page has become woefully inadequate.
posted by bwanabetty at 2:57 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Metafilter: give or take a cortex.
posted by MrVisible at 2:58 PM on June 18

If it's only one-way, you don't get to have a wedding reception.
posted by subbes at 5:55 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

1000!
posted by Eideteker at 5:55 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

THIS
posted by cortex at 5:55 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

is sparta
posted by cortex at 5:56 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

1000!
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:56 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

But you can have a wedding registry, so hey, all the gifts but none of the need to socialize at a party.
posted by subbes at 5:56 PM on June 18 [+] [!]

FTFM.
posted by Eideteker at 2:58 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

aw crap I shoulda known one of you fuckers would pounce on 1000. I AM GETTING A EDIVORCE..

crap no I have to enspousen you first. AND THEN I SHALL HAVE A DIVORCE. I get half the doughnut.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:58 PM on June 18

1010!
posted by Eideteker at 2:58 PM on June 18

DAMMIT!
posted by Eideteker at 2:59 PM on June 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

enspousened!
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:00 PM on June 18

I am finding that 999 has its own joy.

Nowhere near the joy of any of you bastards remembering our anniversary you ungrateful brutes I MADE YOU A CAKE
posted by subbes at 3:00 PM on June 18

I spoused The Whelk because I want to be part of that hyphen-y goodness. I also spoused Devils Rancher and dirtynumbangelboy, just because. And B.
posted by ersatzkat at 3:04 PM on June 18

But I'm pretty sure I don't have a girl spouse, and I need some. Back later.
posted by ersatzkat at 3:05 PM on June 18

divorced!

You'd better be on time with the doughnuts.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:12 PM on June 18

You're messing up my sidebar people. I may have missed being given a Best Answer or something.
posted by GuyZero at 3:14 PM on June 18

a womble is an active kind of sloth

I enspouzelled you for the simple fact that the notion of cards that say "Devils a womble is an active kind of sloth, nee Rancher" just makes me positively swoon with delight.
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:27 PM on June 18

Oh, finally Brandon got around to spousing me, I was about to start crying here.
posted by Dumsnill at 3:31 PM on June 18

Why can't I spouse my siblings?
posted by little e at 3:33 PM on June 18

He ain't Ralph. June 16, 2009 6:27 PM Subscribe

He ain't Ralph.
June 16, 2009 6:27 PM Subscribe