n Favorites in the last 24 hours

August 13, 2009 8:40 AM

Under popular favorites why is there "n favorites in the last 24 hours"? Is that of interest to any of you? I'd rather see " n answers in the last 24 hours", so I know whether or not I should revisit a thread.
posted by qsysopr to Feature Requests at 8:40 AM (101 comments total)

Isn't that what Recent Activity is for?
posted by Parasite Unseen at 8:56 AM on August 13, 2009

If you're looking to find out how many new answers a thread has, why are you looking at popular favorites. I agree; this is what you go to recent activity for.
posted by theantikitty at 9:00 AM on August 13, 2009

"n favorites in the last 24 hours" explains the ranking of the posts upon the page. For example, it may look like this:

Awesome post
34 favorites

EVEN AWESOMER post
20 gazillion favorites (21 in the last 24 hours)

The number of favorites in the time period specified is what gives each post its position in the list, so it would look weird if it were omitted, since there would be posts further down the list that actually have more total favorites.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:01 AM on August 13, 2009

Well, AskMe could use a "Recent Answers" tab, much like MeTa and the front page have "Recent Comments." I wouldn't use it much if ever but I could see how others might find it useful.

I'm assuming qsysopr means the "Popular Favorites" tab in AskMe.
posted by Kattullus at 9:15 AM on August 13, 2009

What do the counts on the Popular Favorites page mean?
posted by amyms at 9:32 AM on August 13, 2009

I think it's because sometimes old posts show up there because they were linked recently, and it was a bit puzzling why.
posted by smackfu at 9:55 AM on August 13, 2009

This post has no favorites in the past 24 hours.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 10:29 AM on August 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

This post has no favorites in the past 24 hours.
posted by ActingTheGoat

Lies!
posted by Grither at 10:33 AM on August 13, 2009

You're one of those people that doesn't realize there's more to the site than AskMe, huh?
posted by item at 10:34 AM on August 13, 2009

I believe he also knows about MetaTalk (or so it seems)
posted by ddaavviidd at 10:57 AM on August 13, 2009

Huh. He's been here three years, but interacts more on Metatalk than AskMe.

The wiki has shadowy stuff catalogued. Perhaps cataloguing the stuff in the headers would help too?
posted by Pronoiac at 11:04 AM on August 13, 2009

Pronoiac: "Huh. He's been here three years, but interacts more on Metatalk than AskMe. "

MetaTalk: 2 posts , 1 comment
Ask MeFi: 10 questions, 35 answers

This must be a use of the word "more" that I'm not familiar with.
posted by Plutor at 11:10 AM on August 13, 2009

a 'recent answers' page would be nifty. (as in -- best answers)
posted by empath at 11:38 AM on August 13, 2009

Ha! Well, it should go Mefi, AskMe, MeTa, right?
posted by Pronoiac at 11:40 AM on August 13, 2009

^{^}Pronoiac: "Ha! Well, it should go Mefi, Music, AskMe, Projects, Jobs, Podcast, MeTa, Shop, right?"

FTFY... what happened to the 10th? Was it all just a wonderful, boozy dream?
posted by not_on_display at 12:39 PM on August 13, 2009

Wait. So "AskMe" isn't the accepted shorthand for MetaTalk?
posted by Pronoiac at 1:08 PM on August 13, 2009

Hold on, are you talking about the grey metatalk or the brown or purple one? Because it's easy to confuse them when everything is the professional white background like the one I sometimes use.
posted by quin at 2:46 PM on August 13, 2009

It's purple, but it's fading toward mauve. Er. Pink.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP
posted by Pronoiac at 3:26 PM on August 13, 2009

Dude, Pronoiac, just click the link at the bottom of the page that says "Make It Stop." Unless you're just tripping. I have no advice for you in that case.
posted by ocherdraco at 3:51 PM on August 13, 2009

"You better pray to God there's some thorazine in that bag, otherwise you're in bad fucking trouble..."
posted by quin at 6:44 PM on August 13, 2009

I just want to point out I still don't know what MetaTalk is.

I once thought it was for chatting.

Then I thought it was for meetups. I think I know what meetups are too.

Then I thougt is was for questions about asking questions in AskMe.

I wish it was for being a journal similar to twitter (but we have a much better user base).

Like I could post:

"Anybody watch Intervention last night? That girl was the most fucked up I've ever seen. It's such an intense show and it's the only one I watch on somewhat regular basis".

And I'd get opinions on the post.
posted by qsysopr at 6:17 AM on August 14, 2009

That's MetaChat.
posted by Kattullus at 6:20 AM on August 14, 2009

Yup, it isn't part of Metafilter proper (it's run by people other than Matt), but it was created expressly for that purpose.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:21 AM on August 14, 2009

Favorites... yummmmm.
posted by XMLicious at 6:41 AM on August 14, 2009

Not too impressed with MetaChat. I find it too hard to read. Plus I don't like the European dates although I have nothing against Europeans.
posted by qsysopr at 8:26 AM on August 14, 2009

275. You are accidentally served a lederhosen bisque, and it tastes exactly as you expect. You considering bringing it to the waiter's attention, but at the last moment you realize that, as he himself is a lobster, it might be a delicate and uncomfortable converstaion. Instead you pour the contents into your trousers, staining them lightly and scalding your naughty bits.

In the emergency room you suddenly notice that your nurse and doctor are also lobsters.

"Are lobsters taking over? What's going on?"

"Shut up and prepare for your colonoscopy," says the lobster nurse.

"I am here for second degree burns to my naughty bits, why am I being given a colonoscopy?"

"Every human that questions our political plans is given one, regardless of medical need," she replies.

Her eyes are cold, black and soulless.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:57 AM on August 18, 2009

276. Nothing's changed, you still love the lobster, only slighly stained like the lederhosen, my love.
posted by Kattullus at 9:27 AM on August 18, 2009

277.
My love is like a red red lobster
That's newly boiled in March.
My love is like the lederhosen,
Lightly soiled, but starched.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:26 AM on August 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

278.
"There IS no God!" said the lobster.
"There is NO God?" said Pat Sajak.
"What, I didn't say that, that would be absurd." Said the lobster, adjusting his lederhosen. "I clearly said, there IS snow got." The children outside were making snowballs.
"If there IS no God," queried Pat Sajak, "then where did this stain come from, shaped like Santa Claus?"
"Can I lie a trowel?" said the Lobster? "On this ledge. I don't think it's being used."
"Do what thou wilt."
posted by empath at 11:57 AM on August 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

279. The lobster tires.

They are not good for driving, because where there should be rounded rubber, there are claws.

Claws clutching lederhosen, which had been immaculate, but now have been lightly stained by the pavement.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:30 PM on August 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

280.
Gargantuan lobsters scour the forest
Always watching, always ready
Ravenously devouring those who would come
Near, and profane their sacred shrine.
Intruders are never seen again.
Silently they watch, antennae swaying,
Holding their ground against all who approach.

Would you dare breach their sacred ground?
Impossible! many would say.
Their claws are sharp, their teeth immense
Hercules himself could not prevail.

Cautiously you begin towards the lobsters
Relying on instinct to remain unseen,
Ever aware of the crustaceans' presence.
Adrenaline heightens your senses:
Many who tried this were killed.

Creeping, you pass behind the first guard
Hardly breathing, silent as death.
Expertly slinking under the foliage,
Even the gods could not have marked you.
Stealthily you pass the second guard
Evading his glance, you reach the temple!

Proceeding more calmly, you traverse the corridor
Into the heart of the great golden temple.
Now you enter the sanctum sanctorum
Enraptured by what you have so long desired.
Already your eyes fill with tears of joy,
Perceiving the glorious, transcendent Garment.
Profound is the vision. Awestruck, you miss the approach of
Lobsters! They swiftly converge and skewer your chest.
Expiring, you watch your blood spilling out,
Soiling the Lederhosen, lightly.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 3:39 PM on August 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

281.

The Lobster and the Lederhosen
went down to the sea,
the Lobster and the Lederhosen,
Pat Sajack and me.

"I am but lightly stained," said Leder
looking toward the sun,
and Pat Sajack was building castles
out of sand for fun.

"There is no god," declared the Lobster,
"Thus I have decreed,"
while I became a dadaist and
upon Pat Sajack peed.

Pat Sajack minded not at all, but
Leder did, indeed.
He looked at me in disgust (or joy?),
said, "the meter's freed" which meant that I didn't have to rhyme anything anymore forever the end.
posted by ocherdraco at 5:30 PM on August 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

282.

The lobster, languid,
passes the lederhosen
(the soiled ones) to Pat.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:15 AM on August 19, 2009

283.
Best Lederhosen (Unsoiled): Susan Hampshire
Best Lederhosen (Lightly Soiled): Gerhard Herzberg
Best Lederhosen (Moderately Soiled): Alan Page
Best Lederhosen (Heavily Soiled): Dean O. Torrence
Lowliest Lobster: Alexis Smith
Lightly Steamed Lobster: Wolfgang Peter Geller
Lethargic Lobster: Dieter Speer
Laotian Lobster: Charles Coody
Most Gratuitous Use of the Word "Lobster" in a Serious Screenplay: Ernest Tidyman
Lobsterest Lobster: Al Unser

You sigh deeply. Will you remain unrecognized again this year? How can the judges repeatedly fail to discern your artistic genius? There is just one award left: Best Work Comprising the Carcasses of One Hundred Thirty-Nine Lobsters, During the Making of Which the Lobsters Were Killed Slowly and Painfully, and Representing the Artist's Profoundly Disturbing Sadistic Pleasure in Torturing and Killing Said Lobsters, with a Pair of Lederhosen Hastily Added as an Afterthought. You cross your fingers.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:54 AM on August 19, 2009

284. I just want to point out I still don't know what surrealism is.

I once thought it was for lederhosen.

Then I thought it was for lobsters. I think I know what lobsters are too.

Then I thougt is was for questions about asking questions about asking questions.

I wish it was for being a journal similar to cubomania (but we have a much better user base).

Like I could post:

"Anybody watch Wheel of Forture last night? Pat Sajak was the most fucked up I've ever seen. It's such an intense show and it's the only one I watch on somewhat regular basis".

And I'd get opinions on the post.
posted by little e at 9:16 AM on August 19, 2009

285.

That's lederhosenism.

Yup, it isn't part of surrealism proper (it's run by lobsters other than Pat), but it was lightly soiled expressly for that purpose.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:24 AM on August 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

286. The lederhosen stares at you from an eye-shaped light stain. You are a lobster. You are a lobster. You are a LOBSTER! The horror consumes you with ravioli.
posted by Kattullus at 9:36 AM on August 19, 2009

287. You're growing kind of sick of the lobster's mid-life crisis, but he's been on your case about not seeing his one-crustacean (male) show, and you need to get his lederhosen back to him, so you decide to kill two birds with one stone.

The curtain rises, and he begins dancing to "Return to Innocence." You vomit in your mouth. You make an origami cup out of the program, and deposit the contents of your mouth carefully.

A small drop hits the lederhosen, but you decide to give them back as is. It's only a light stain, and maybe he'll get the message.

But he's so goddamn busy talking to that asshole Pat Sajak, he doesn't even fucking notice you. Fuck him and fuck these stupid lederhosen!

You miss him.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:56 PM on August 19, 2009

288.

Love. Love unconditionally.
Love without boundaries.
Lobster without butter.
Lederhosen without stains.
Pat Sajak without a wheel.
Mien Liebchen, Mein Lobster, Mein Lederhosen.
posted by empath at 2:47 PM on August 19, 2009

289.

The ship is so fast the lobster watches it as though it were a cloud passing the sun; darkness then light again.
The scent of hunger passes by and he knows it's time to put them on again. It's tedious without Pat to help with all the zippers. He calls on an oyster instead: damn thing has no hands, though, not even two and it takes fucking hours.
Only then does he realize they are on backwards, and stained.

He screams and on the beach she looks at her husband and scowls, he farted at her while she was talking!
posted by From Bklyn at 8:33 PM on August 19, 2009

290. Lobster-lobster-bo-bobster-bananafanafofobster-me-mi-mo-mobster. Loooobsteeeer! The light stain makes the lederhosen unsuitable for the name game.
posted by Kattullus at 5:43 AM on August 22, 2009

291. The lobster is blue like an orange.
Never a mistake stains do not lie
They no longer give you cause to wear
Its kisses turn to get along (hear each other)
Madmen and lobsters
She her lightly-stained mouth
All the secrets all the smiles
And what lederhosen of indulgence
To believe them lightly stained.
The lobsters are flowering green
The lederhosen is worn around the neck
A necklace of light stains
Wings cover the lobsters
You have all the solar stains
All the lederhosen upon the earth
On the stains of your lobsters.
posted by Kattullus at 5:48 AM on August 22, 2009

292.
*** SPOILER ALERT: Includes Burton Cummings, use at own risk. ***

Sing, O Sajak, the anger of Lobster son of Bubble Spiral, that brought countless ills upon the Giant Mushroom Forest. Many a brave soul did it send hurrying down to Hades, and many a hero did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures, for so were the counsels of Mark Hamil fulfilled from the day on which the son of Bubble Spiral, king of giraffes, and great Lobster, first fell out with one another.

And which of the gods was it that set them on to quarrel? It was the son of Mark Hamil and Burton Cummings; for he was angry with the king and sent a pestilence upon the host to plague the people, because the son of Bubble Spiral had dishonoured Doug Henning his priest. Now Doug Henning had come to the lederhosen of the Giant Mushroom Forest to free his daughter, and had brought with him a great ransom: moreover he bore in his hand the sceptre of Sajak wreathed with a suppliant's wreath and he besought the lobsters, but most of all the two sons of Lobster, who were their chiefs.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:19 AM on August 22, 2009

293. If you're looking to find out how many light stains a pair of lederhosen has, why are you looking at popular favorites. I agree; this is what you go to the lobster for.
posted by little e at 9:00 PM on August 22, 2009

294. "n stains in the last 24 hours" explains the ranking of the stains upon the lederhosen. For example, it may look like this:

Awesome stain
34 favorites

EVEN AWESOMER stain
20 lobsterzillion favorites (21 in the last 24 hours)

The number of favorites in the time period specified is what gives each post its position in the lederhosen, so it would look weird if it were omitted, since there would be posts further down the lederhosen that actually have more total favorites.
posted by little e at 9:02 PM on August 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

295. lob lob lobster bobster hydromorphone shadow phone
posted by little e at 9:04 PM on August 22, 2009

295. "Lobster has a lederhosen all its own." - Stalin (attrib.)
posted by Meatbomb at 11:22 PM on August 22, 2009

297. RAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR LOBSTER ATTACK help!! help save us from the lobsters! oh no I've lightly soiled my lederhosawo;iefjuaklscvj;laksdfjlikasf
posted by little e at 2:26 AM on August 23, 2009

298. When you pay a visit to the lobster, do not remark on the light stain on the lederhosen.
posted by Kattullus at 4:13 PM on August 24, 2009

299.

Lobster Thermidor a la Sajak

Yield: Makes 4 servings
Active time: 50 min
Start to finish: 1 hr

Ingredients:

* 2 (1 1/2-lb) live lobsters
* 1/2 stick (1/4 cup) unsalted butter
* 1/4 lb mushrooms, trimmed and thinly sliced
* 1/2 teaspoon paprika
* 1/8 teaspoon salt
* 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
* 2 tablespoons medium-dry Sherry
* 1 cup heavy cream, scalded
* 2 large egg yolks
* 1 pair of lederhosen, lightly soiled

Preparation:

Plunge lobsters headfirst into an 8-quart pot of boiling salted water*. Loosely cover pot and cook lobsters over moderately high heat 9 minutes from time they enter water, then transfer with tongs to sink to cool.

When lobsters are cool enough to handle, twist off claws and crack them, then remove meat. Halve lobsters lengthwise with kitchen shears, beginning from tail end, then remove tail meat, reserving shells. Cut all lobster meat into 1/4-inch pieces. Discard any remaining lobster innards, then rinse and dry shells.

Heat butter in a 2-quart heavy saucepan over moderate heat until foam subsides, then cook mushrooms, stirring, until liquid that mushrooms give off is evaporated and they begin to brown, about 5 minutes. Add lobster meat, paprika, salt, and pepper and reduce heat to low. Cook, shaking pan gently, 1 minute. Add 1 tablespoon Sherry and 1/2 cup hot cream and simmer 5 minutes.

Whisk together yolks and remaining tablespoon Sherry in a small bowl. Slowly pour remaining 1/2 cup hot cream into yolks, whisking constantly, and transfer to a small heavy saucepan. Cook custard over very low heat, whisking constantly, until it is slightly thickened and registers 160°F on an instant-read thermometer. Add custard to lobster mixture, stirring gently.

Preheat broiler.

Arrange lobster shells, cut sides up, in a shallow baking pan and spoon lobster with some of sauce into shells. Broil lobsters 6 inches from heat until golden brown, 4 to 5 minutes. Garnish with lederhosen, and serve remaining sauce on the side.

* When salting water for cooking, use 1 tablespoon salt for every 4 quarts water.
posted by ocherdraco at 4:19 PM on August 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

The Lobster and Pat Ajax were going to have a race. Pat Ajax is much swifter than the lobster, but the lobster was given a head start, and Mr Ajax is wearing a pair of uncomfortable lederhosen. The race begins, and after some time, Pat Ajax has quickly gotten to the place the lobster began. But the lobster has already moved some distance from where he started, meaning that he is still ahead.

Again, after some time, Pat Ajax moves to the point where the lobster had been some moments before, but the lobster has again moved further. And there he stopped.

"This is pointless," said the lobster.

"I know, this race will never end."

"No, it will end, when we die. And we all die."

"Oh, well I guess that might be the point."

"No, life is pointless, too."

Pat Ajax agreed, and picked the lobster up and ate him. The juices fell on his lap.

"That stain will never come out."
posted by empath at 4:46 PM on August 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

(shit, that was #300)
posted by empath at 4:47 PM on August 24, 2009

301. Bubble sort or spiral sort? Bubble galaxy or spiral galaxy? Bubble tea or spiral tea? Bubble bath or spiral bath? Bubbograph or Spirograph? SO MANY DECISIONS!!! The lobster has no idea how to choose, but choose he must. He looked in the usual textbooks, but found no help there. He even tried reading the skorb-runes, but they, too, were of no help.

Do not be cruel. Go to the lobster, and gently point out the stain on the lederhosen to him. Then he can make his choices with peace and equanamity.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:47 AM on August 25, 2009

302. look at all the fresh blueberries why there must be thousands no millions no billions of them they look so tasty i wonder if i could taste just a few oh i cant reach ill just dive right in no dont worry they cant be that deep dont be silly no ones ever been crushed under blueberries no i dont think pat sajak is particularly attractive why do you ask
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:50 PM on August 25, 2009

303.

Imply a lobster, wearing lightly soiled lederhosen.

Allude to Pat Sajak.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:21 PM on August 25, 2009

304.
Sajak therefore said unto him, Art thou a king then? The Lobster answered, Thou sayest that I am a king. To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should be boiled and then buttered. Every one that tastes me says I am delicious.

Sajak saith unto him, What is delicious? And when he had said this, he went out again unto the diners, and saith unto them, I find in him no fault at all.

But ye have a custom, that I should release unto you one at dinner: will ye therefore that I release unto you the King of the Crustaceans?

Then cried they all again, saying, Not this Lobster, WE WANT TO BUY A VOWEL.

Then Sajak therefore took the Lobster, and boiled him.

And the chefs prepared melted butter, and put it on the plate, and they put on him lightly soiled lederhosen,
And said, Hail, King of the Crustaceans! and they unshelled him with their hands.

i'm going to hell
posted by empath at 10:40 PM on August 25, 2009 [3 favorites]

305. Now after the lobster was born in the Forest of Mushrooms in the days of Hamil the king, behold, wise men from the East came to the Bubble Spiral, saying, “Where is He who has been born King of the Lobsters? For we have seen His lederhosen in the East and have come to worship Him.”

When Hamil the king heard this, he was troubled, and all the Bubble Spiral with him. And when he had gathered all the chief priests and scribes of the people together, he inquired of them where the lobster was to be born.

So they said to him, “In the Forest of Mushrooms, for thus it is written by the prophet:
‘But you, Mushrooms, in the land of the Forest,
Are not the least among the rulers of the Forest;
For out of you shall come a lobster
Who will shepherd My people the lobsters.’"

Then Hamil, when he had secretly called the wise men, determined from them what time the lederhosen appeared. And he sent them to Bethlehem and said, “Go and search carefully for the young lobster, and when you have found Him, bring back word to me, that I may come and worship Him also.”

When they heard the king, they departed; and behold, the lederhosen which they had seen in the East went before them, till it came and stood over where the young lobster was. When they saw the lederhosen, they rejoiced with exceedingly great joy. And when they had come into the house, they saw the young lobster with Mary His mother, and fell down and worshiped Him. And when they had opened their treasures, they presented gifts to Him: gold, frankincense, and myrrh, which Mary inadvertantly spilled on the lederhosen, lightly soiling them.

me too! it's going to be fun
posted by little e at 2:30 AM on August 26, 2009

"King of the Crustaceans" = King James
"King of the Lobsters" = New King James

also I stumbled across this and it made me laugh a lot
posted by little e at 2:44 AM on August 26, 2009

306. The lobster sat on the window ledge, staring at the pigeons sitting on a corresponding ledge across the alley who were lightly staining the lederhosen draped across with their vigorous procreating. The lobster would tell you, if it could speak, that pigeon is very underrated as fine dining, so please shift the angle of your gun twenty degrees to the left.
posted by Kattullus at 7:35 AM on August 26, 2009

307.

To everything, lobster, lobster, lobster
There is a season, lobster, lobster, lobster
And a time
To every lightly stained
Lederhosen

A time for Sajak!
A time for Hamil!
A time for bubble spiral!
A time for giant mushroom forest!
A time for giraffe, a time for the IOC
And a time for surreptitiously rubbing one out while reading the Verbose Surrealists Style Guide
posted by Meatbomb at 7:46 AM on August 26, 2009

308. I would like to register a complaint with the Surrealist Board of Inspectors regarding #307. A true surrealist would not rub one out surreptitiously while reading the Verbose Surrealists Style Guide. A true surrealist would rub one out overtly, audaciously even, directly in front of the large window looking out onto the apartment complex's communal courtyard--oh excuse me I need my typing hand to wave at the neighbor
posted by little e at 8:03 AM on August 26, 2009 [2 favorites]

309. Chuck Woollery and the Crab were lying on a blanket on a grassy hill in the Mushroom Forest, looking up at the stars.

"Do you think," said Chuck Woollery, "that somewhere out there is another planet where someone just like us is looking up at the stars and wondering if there is anyone out there?"

"Oh, yes, I do," said the Crab. "Except instead of you and I, it's Pat Sajak and a Lobster."

"Oh, what fun! And would the lobster being wearing a blue dress, just like you?"

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Chuck. Lobsters don't wear dresses!"

"Oh, you're right, that would be absurd."

"She would be wearing a pair of lederhosen!"

"Oh, Crab, you delight and amuse me so!"

They laughed together, and then they made love under the stars.
---
"Oh, Chuck, you got it on my dress. That will NEVER come out!
posted by empath at 8:18 AM on August 26, 2009 [3 favorites]

(Huh, when I wrote that, i didn't know that he was the original host of Wheel of Fortune)

(or that his name is spelled 'Woolery')
posted by empath at 8:58 AM on August 26, 2009

310. Pat Sajak walks into a bar, wearing lederhosen. He sees that there's a television above the bar, and an eposide of Wheel of Fortune is playing.

He asks the bartender, who is a lobster, if he can buy a vowel.

"Sorry, my lawyer advises against it," replies the lobster.

"Is it the lederhosen?" asks Pat.

"No, it's just not in the claws."




[avoiding thrown fruit] Keyboard Cat, play me off!
posted by not_on_display at 9:42 AM on August 26, 2009

311. Pat Sajak felt the gun in the small of his back as he leaned over to open his safe.

"The game is up, Sajak," said the Lobster. "I'm on to you."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah, I stopped the shipment of lederhosen at the docks, your boy Jimmy told me everything. He didn't want to at first, but I worked him over with the old right claw for a minute and he sang like a canary."

"You don't understand."

"No, I do, it's the same old story, money, dames, drugs, lederhosen. It's brought down bigger men than you."

"I think you should see this." Sajak reached into the safe. He could hear the hammer on the revolver being pulled back.

"Careful," said the Lobster.

"Oh, it's not a gun, but it might be more dangerous."

Sajak reached in and pulled out a small worn pamphlet.

The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen it said on the cover.

"Here, read it."

The lobster took the pamphlet in his left claw and began flipping through the pages.

"What the hell is this, some kind of funny book?"

"Funny, yeah... real funny."

As he read the book, it all started to make sense. The lederhosen, Mark Hammil, the bubble tea, the spiral bound notebook, the whole sordid business with Chuck Woolery and the crab with the blue dress.

"My God, Doug Henning was in on it?"

The Lobsters head started spinning. It wasn't possible -- his whole life was a charade.

"I think you should pay special attention to number 618."

As he read 618 he realized what he had to do.

"So, I don't have any other choice, really, do I?" asked the Lobster, dropping the pamphlet on the ground.

"No, you don't. We have to...

[continued in number 618]
posted by empath at 1:31 AM on August 27, 2009 [2 favorites]

312. A koan:

One day, the lobster Joshu and a lederhosen were walking on a path alongside a river. The lederhosen said to Joshu, "Master, as I am soiled, even so lightly, I find it difficult to understand: does a pomegranate have the Buddha nature?"

In reply, Joshu said, "Look, do you see up ahead, where a pile of rocks splits the river in twain?"

"Yes, master," replied the lederhosen.

"And do you notice how the water goes more rapidly around the right side of the rocks than it does around the left?

"Yes, master."

"Then," said Joshu, "dal greopt buverate gi nuplice ond bralkish. Mel babula og nu morpass, vegulum ab cizirri. Nikli gar ed pleer, bdarign bockke. Littbary gi hahbeg, gareen poterer, vaurush gimip; narrable deffamobo ed fer qunculid. Bigalok nu buh pilkimitin, cafnnen viyous aberthomb, wexipous var humer paz nerushtu. Dal zoquo, mogbinbin aq tomesher.

"Bloan cel o nebbo, dom poatig heviaple n othim—veraupin meon dal boffea boffeo. Og nu bomp gerushda nowr byo arew i barrollin pleer. Bload er da uxion mikeddle fauply. Dasum ushnuu o fer opremious bundopax. Yawba og nopp greel bo momodank. Itmok u val$ar.

"Ma dir o pada, belux gi o padamel. Po$anipal har o voxckses buowal em po bogolish. Japperel mordin dapaet yabula. Blikish, mondem wribble glab o kippilate."

Upon hearing this, the lederhosen were enlightened.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:20 PM on August 27, 2009 [3 favorites]

313.
In the midst of the word he was trying to say,
In the midst of his laughter and glee,
He had softly and soiledly vanished away—
For the Lobster was a Lederhosen, you see.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:25 PM on August 27, 2009

314. The crowd was getting tired. It had been a long day, and they had listened to many speakers. Plus, it was hot out. People were thirsty. Some had left already. Of those who stayed, those who had not applied sunscreen or worn hats were showing signs of sunburn on their faces. Small children whined to their parents that they wanted to go home.

The final speaker came to the podium. But what was this? Only those in the front could see it clearly; the rest murmured among themselves, squinting and trying to see more clearly. Was that a lobster?

Then the lobster spoke: "I have seen the lightly soiled lederhosen!" The crowd was instantly transfixed, largely because they had never heard a lobster speak before. For that matter, they had never heard a non-human non-parrot animal speak, so this was quite a novelty. And the lobster's deep booming voice transfixed them as well.

"I have seen the lightly soiled lederhosen! All of us wear the lederhosen at one time or another, though we do not see it. Its stain reminds us of our own failings; but never forget that the stain lies only lightly upon the lederhosen, as our own mistakes should weigh lightly upon ourselves. Do not forget your stain, but do not despair over it either, for your stain is light."

The crowd understood. Even though they had never received the message of the lightly soiled lederhosen before, they understood instantly. It resonated with them more deeply than any other religion or philosophy they had heard before. Some people wept tears of joy, as if a great weight had been lifted upon them.

"The stain on the lederhosen is light, my friends," the lobster continued. "But I have seen the lightly soiled lederhosen, and I have spoken to the lightly soiled lederhosen! The lederhosen have given me a message for you."

A buzz ran through the crowd. What could the message be? Surely such a message would change the world—maybe even usher in an era of universal peace! Even though the crowd had heard of the lightly soiled lederhosen only minutes before, every one, to a person, young or old, rich or poor, male or female, desired to hear the words of the lederhosen, as they had desired nothing in their lives before. What was the lederhosen's message for them?

"The lederhosen gave me this message for you:

"POST NO BILLS."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:27 PM on August 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

315. You have been watching the lobster for three hours even though you are dead tired and should have been in bed and asleep by now. But you have the will necessary to stand up and walk away. When you do you notice that your lederhosen are lightly stained. Luckily no one else is awake or else this might be mildly embarrassing. Chuckle to yourself as you consider the possible misunderstandings.
posted by Kattullus at 4:57 AM on August 31, 2009

316. She was pregnant, finally, and they were all so happy for her that two tried to run her over with their cars and another chased her around the kitchen with a large, expensive butcher's knife. She would name it Rustle, unless it was a girl in which case she would name it Rustle. So much to do still, so many bodies to burry, and a father to find. She would not wash the pants, the stain was slight. She was going to fuck the guy who was painting the nursery, though he was old enough to be her grandfather. She had secrets to gather, lies to spread, a nest to make.
posted by From Bklyn at 7:28 AM on August 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

> TAKE LEDERHOSEN_

You are already wearing the lederhosen. They are slightly stained, and you are a bit uncomfortable.

> LOOK AT LOBSTER_

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by Pat Sajak.

> WHAT IS PAT SAJAK?_

Pat Sajak is a sinister, lurking presence in the dark places of MetaTalk. Its favorite diet is new users, but its insatiable appetite is tempered by its fear of light. Pat Sajak has never been seen by the light of day, and few have survived his fearsome smile to tell the tale.
posted by not_on_display at 1:30 PM on September 1, 2009 [4 favorites]

318. Spank the naughty lederhosen with a wooden spoon. That will teach them to play in the mud! And of course there is also the deterrent aspect, given the lobster's silent witness. Who's the bubble spiral now, fucko?
posted by Meatbomb at 6:06 PM on September 2, 2009

319.

The lullaby the lederhosen sings to Pat Sajak, which is all the more absurd for being an actual song:

We were at a party
His ear lobe fell in the deep
Someone reached in and grabbed it
It was a rock lobster

We were at the beach
Everybody had matching towels
Somebody went under a dock
And there they saw a rock
It wasn't a rock
It was a rock lobster

Motion in the ocean
His air hose broke
Lots of trouble
Lots of bubble
He was in a jam
In a giant clam!

Down, down

Underneath the waves
Mermaids wavin'
Wavin' to mermen
Wavin' sea fans
Sea horses sailin'
Dolphins wailin'

Red snappers snappin'
Clam shells clappin'
Muscles flexin'
Flippers flippin'

Down, down

Let's rock!

Boys in bikinis
Girls in surfboards
Everybody's rockin'
Everybody's fruggin'
Twistin' 'round the fire
Havin' fun
Bakin' potatoes
Bakin' in the sun

Put on your noseguard
Put on the Lifeguard
Pass the tanning butter

Here comes a stingray
There goes a manta-ray
In walked a jelly fish
There goes a dog-fish
Chased by a cat-fish
In flew a sea robin
Watch out for that piranha
There goes a narwhale
HERE COMES A BIKINI WHALE!
posted by ocherdraco at 9:44 PM on September 2, 2009

320.

O say can you see, by the dawn's early light,
what so proudly we hailed, at the lobsters last meeting?
Whose broad strokes on bright charts--lederhosen hiked tight,
o'er the suspenders we watched--which Pat Sajak was wearing?

And the thermidor's air, and my moist underwear,
gave proof through the night, lederhosen were square.
O! Say, do my lederhosen--even now, since I've shaved--
Look like Sajaks? They were free!
HEY! The Lobster just waved!
posted by not_on_display at 4:04 AM on September 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

321. This is just to say

I have eaten
the lobster
that was in
the lederhosen

and which
you were probably
saving
for MetaTalk

Forgive me
it was delicious
so sweet
and so distracting
posted by not_on_display at 4:06 AM on September 3, 2009

322. Sleep on the plane. When you wake up discount the light stain in your lederhosen, it probably isn't your seatmate's drool. A lobster dinner won't do much about your jetlag, but anything's a good excuse for a lobster dinner.
posted by Kattullus at 9:29 AM on September 3, 2009

323. "Who's the bubble spiral now, fucko?"

Indeed. Is it the lobster, the lederhosen, or, god forbid, is it me? Or are we all bubble spirals today, in solidarity with Mark Hamil's would-be assassin? This is the big leagues, no time for Depends or similar adult incontinence products, if you gotta go then you just go - yes, we are that hardcore in this bubble spiral giant mushroom forest.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, International Olympic Committee!
posted by Meatbomb at 12:04 PM on September 4, 2009

324. Sneak the lobster into the punk show but don't forget to release it from your suit pocket or else it will vomit while you pogo and headbang and stain your lederhosen lightly.
posted by Kattullus at 7:20 PM on September 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

325. Sneak the lobster into the important International Olympic Committee meeting but don't forget to release it from your bubble spiral or else it will attempt to assassinate Mark Hamil while you pose and gesticulate, staining your lederhosen.

Put that in your badgeresque nightmare / giant mushroom forest, and trip out!

Power to the people! Rise up!
posted by Meatbomb at 7:48 PM on September 4, 2009

326. Way to go, fucko, you got distracted by the five colors of free donuts arranged the caterer was arranging artfully in the pattern of the Olympic rings and forgot to release the lobster from the bubble spiral. Fortunately, though the lobster's action was unforeseen, the IOC security bureau suspected what Sajak was up to, and that's actually Henning up there at the podium in the lederhosen and a Hamil mask. And as we all know, Henning is not mortal. Citius, altius, fortius that, you Commie bastard.
posted by little e at 11:51 PM on September 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

327 shitmydadsays No, you don't get any lobster, unless you wanna start payin' rent. Also, you stained your fucking lederhosen, go put 'em in the wash.
posted by empath at 12:05 AM on September 5, 2009

327. I am in high school. I go to an all boys' school and am a senior. It's been a great school, with the exception being that there are no lobsters. I have always had a little trouble socializing, and though I have many friends at school, I have never even made art with a lobster, let alone had surrealism. Obviously, The Verbose Surrealist's 7,483 Things to Do with a Lobster and a Lightly Soiled Pair of Lederhosen, Wheel of Fortune and masturbation have satisfied my needs to a certain extent, though not entirely. There are plenty of kids at my school who are like me, but how will I be thought of in college? I want a real relationship in which I dictate thought in the absence of all control exercised by reason, not just discover that nothing is greater than anything else.I live in the mushroom forest and am thinking about applying to the Bureau of Surrealist Research, or A&M. Is there any place in the bubble spiral where I could potentially meet some lobsters and get some? I mean, I think a big part of it is that I would feel masculine. I can imagine sticking my drill into a lobster as I became a man and she became a woman. Or if she wasn't a virgin, to experience a new level of psychic mechanisms. I know it's a multi-part question, but do any of y'all have any advice?
posted by little e at 12:15 AM on September 5, 2009

329.
Faster!
the lobster's close behind you and gaining

Higher!
we've been smoking little bits of lederhosen all morning and that's some good shit

Stronger!
because Sajak's gonna kick your ass
posted by little e at 12:32 AM on September 5, 2009

330. This entry will be replaced with a copy of entry 412, please stay tuned.
posted by Meatbomb at 1:01 AM on September 5, 2009

331. No, sorry. #330 will not be replaced with a copy of 412. Instead of putting 412 here like I was supposed to, I wrote it on the back passenger side window of my car with my finger. If you want to know what 412 is, you will have to go to my car and breathe heavily to fog the window.
posted by little e at 1:08 AM on September 5, 2009

332. I wrote #593 on a cupcake in frosting, then ate the cupcake.
posted by little e at 1:11 AM on September 5, 2009

333. 1000 will be written on my stomach with a magic marker. I will link to a photo. Either 496 or 498 will be written on the left shin of the next person I seduce. I may or may not link to a photo.
posted by little e at 1:14 AM on September 5, 2009

334. Wake up. Search frantically for the lobster. You're sure you heard it scuttling around all scuttlescuttlescuttle. Before you widen your search to include the outside world put on some pants. All you've got are lederhosen, which are lightly stained. The stain looks like a map. Your crotch marks the spot. Go by the map.
posted by Kattullus at 4:41 AM on September 5, 2009

335.
L is for the lederhosen, lightly soiled
O is for the officious way it scuttles about the boardroom
B is for the butter you have secretly melted
S is for the suspicious way you keep hanging around its office
T is for the
P is for Pat Sajak, whom you have hired to do the deed itself
R is for the rhinoceros who will provide your alibi
X is for the xquisite peace you'll feel once it's done
F is for the failed acrostic poem you'll write to commemorate the event.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:43 AM on September 5, 2009

Don't be so hard on yourself, DevilsAdvocate! You are trying, and that is what's most important - if you don't participate how will you ever improve? Do you think Tiger Woods got a hole in one the first time he tried to bone a hawt chick? Of course not, I am sure he ineptly boned all kinds of broads before he became the expert golfer that we know him as today.

And hey, let's take a closer look at your so-called "failed acrostic poem". First off, the initial letters look like they will spell "LOBSTER", and in the first line you include the lightly soiled lederhosen - so far, so good! Then, there are some allusions to what could only be described as a surreal situation. You've also clearly done your homework as you have included Pat Sajak, one of our new additions to the team mythos. It's also great to see that the poem becomes more unfinished and bizarre as it goes along. Finally, the last line is self-referential, something surrealists like us tend to award healthy doses of bonus points for.

So remember! Do you think Salvador Dali was able to consistently maintain an erection the first time he tried to bang some dame? Certainly not! Let him be an example to you - you'll be having consistent wood, and boning like a pro, in no time!

So, as they say over there, "put that in your pipe and smoke it". Yes, today we are all MexiCANs!
posted by Meatbomb at 2:10 PM on September 5, 2009

336. Daddy, why does that lobster keep talking about his pee-pee?

Just ignore him, Angela, he's a surrealist. Now eat up your lederhosen before they get stained.
posted by Meatbomb at 6:14 AM on September 7, 2009

337. Eet the lebster. Whet else weeld yee de? Sere, yee'll steen yeer lederhesen leghtle, bet whe reelle ceres?
posted by Kattullus at 7:40 AM on September 7, 2009

338.
          S
LN       A          
OE      J               R
BS     A              O   TNEWS
SO    K             P
TH   T            W
ER  A           E
RE P          N
 DENIATS
 E
 L
           ☃
posted by ocherdraco at 8:14 PM on September 7, 2009 [4 favorites]

339.

MOUNTAINS. ——— When people go to Switzerland for the first time, they often think, "How happy should I be to live in a cottage here, to look down upon those sweet lakes, to hear that grand waterfall, and to gaze upon the snowy peaks of those high mountains!" But very often a great lump of snow as big as a house rolls down the side of a mountain, and making a noise as loud as thunder, crushes a cottage that lies on the side! O, what a terrible disaster! But I am going to tell you of a worse.
    It was on the 2d of September, 1806, about five o'clock in the afternoon, that the earth began to slide. Very slowly it went at first. A young lobster felt the ground giving way, and called out to an old man, Pat Sajak, to come away; but the old man, who was smoking his pipe by his door, said, "I have time to fill my pipe once more," and he went back, and the house fell upon him, and killed him, but the young lobster, scuttling as fast as he could, and though he often fell down and his lederhosen were ripped and stained, escaped.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:02 PM on September 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

340. Use lobster to change status of lederhosen from "lightly soiled" to "fairly soiled." Do this with the aid of a soccer ball shaped like a peanut M&M and a staple remover. Ponder the vast gulf between the numbers 340 and 7483.
posted by dersins at 4:06 PM on September 9, 2009

341. Should your lederhosen become lightly stained it is recommended you scrub them vigorously with a lobster as the biomineralized chitin-based nano-composites work wonders on soiled leather.
posted by Kattullus at 7:04 PM on September 9, 2009

342. Always put stained lederhosen in the boiling water head first so that they don't feel as much pain. The lobster, you should wash in cold water and tumble dry.
posted by empath at 7:46 PM on September 9, 2009

343. It's ridiculous. Into the bank, they never believe he can speak. He speaks. They never believe he has money. He has money. Some asshole always makes a joke about "hey come swim in my steamer I meant hot tub".
It was probably the stain. No one would take him seriously.
Lobster, lederhosen, liquor, lassitude.
posted by From Bklyn at 1:26 PM on September 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

344.

If you want to lobster
you know what to do-oo
If you want to lobster
with the one that's true-oo

You just shake, shake, shake
your little bum
and you dance so close to her
with her nighttime eyes
and her lederhosen
and that stain, stain, stain

Ohhhhhhh!

If you want to lobster
it's not very ha-ard
And if she'll lobster, too
it's all in the ca-ards

So just take, take, take
her little hand
and you cuff it tight to yours
and your lives will never
be the same, same, same

The wheel of fortune takes you round
it picks you up and puts you down
and doesn't care what you want to do
So let your little lady lobster close to you

If you want to lobster
it's not very ha-ard
And if she'll lobster, too
it's all in the ca-ards
posted by ocherdraco at 12:52 PM on September 11, 2009

345. Sign the contract the lobster offers you even if it's written on lederhosen and your signature will end up looking like nothing but a light stain.
posted by Kattullus at 5:33 PM on September 11, 2009

346. The lobster will not read your fucking script, even if you deliver it while wearing lederhosen.
posted by amyms at 7:43 PM on September 11, 2009