Sidebar nom nom nom

August 24, 2009 4:53 PM

Maybe I'm doing it wrong with regard to sidebar nominations, but this thread is nothing but amazing and accessible tips on kicking ass at cooking and it is making me exceptionally hungry.
posted by disillusioned to MetaFilter-related at 4:53 PM (60 comments total)

I was just over there, del.icio.us - ing it up and bookmarking like crazy. Nice work, kids.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 4:59 PM on August 24

Sometimes I don't understand the sidebar. Like why is this on there?
posted by gman at 5:06 PM on August 24 [10 favorites]

That is a pretty great series of answers. And my favorite thing to do in that thread is replace all mentions of "duck" with "dick". For example:

Dick fat- yes, yes and YES! Buy a whole frozen dick and boil it in a big pot of water for about 10 minutes. As soon as the 10 minutes are up, take it out and brush it liberally with a 2/3 to 1/3 ratio of vinegar (whatever type you like) to maple syrup. It will give you the beautiful color and crackling that you think of when you think of dick.

You can either do this in your head, or with a word processor program.
posted by Greg Nog at 5:07 PM on August 24 [6 favorites]

Ugh. Thanks so much for this. After making a shitty FPP that got deleted this morning, and spending too much time this afternoon in the assumption-questioning-on-AskMe discussion, it's nice to be pointed to a reminder of why I joined Metafilter in the first place.

Also, Greg Nog, if my mouth had been filled with duck while I read your comment, there would be partially chewed duck all over my monitor. Fortunately I never eat duck while reading Metafilter.
posted by hifiparasol at 5:19 PM on August 24

Sometimes I don't understand the sidebar. Like why is this on there?

I wondered the same thing. And then I decided that it was because "pork chop on a stick" is just hilarious all on its own. The words... the image... the beautiful innuendo...
posted by amelioration at 5:21 PM on August 24 [1 favorite]

It's funnier if you replace pork with dick
posted by hifiparasol at 5:22 PM on August 24

Dude, he was offering to buy the man porckchop on a stick. For free! And out of the sheer goodness of his heart. It's a heartwarming act of selflessness and philanthropy that deserves to be lauded.
posted by Rhaomi at 5:22 PM on August 24 [2 favorites]

or replace stick with dick
posted by hifiparasol at 5:22 PM on August 24

Dickchop?

What am I, German?

[!] -> "Fantastic Post"
posted by Sys Rq at 5:29 PM on August 24

It will give you the ... crackling that you think of when you think of dick.

If you think of "crackling" when you think of dick, you've got bigger problems on your hands than figuring out what to make for dinner.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:30 PM on August 24

or replace stick with dick

Or both.

Also, "chop."

Dick dick on a dick. Delicious. I hear.
posted by dersins at 5:30 PM on August 24

Pork Chop^tm

Yer gonna love my pork!
posted by DU at 5:30 PM on August 24 [1 favorite]

Pork your troubles away with the Pork Chop.
posted by GuyZero at 5:37 PM on August 24

A gift real special, so take off the top
Take a look inside, it's a chop in a box
posted by hifiparasol at 5:42 PM on August 24

Damn, that should have been "yer gonna love my meat".
posted by DU at 5:43 PM on August 24

Did someone say Plo Chops?
posted by eyeballkid at 5:46 PM on August 24

Dick Chop Sandwiches
posted by Sys Rq at 5:46 PM on August 24

chop 'em in the pork
(what)
chop 'em in the pork
(what)
posted by DU at 5:50 PM on August 24

I like "Pork Chop Cheney." I want to read a Nick Fury's Howlin' Commandos-style WWII comic about Pork Chop Cheney.
posted by hifiparasol at 5:53 PM on August 24

Dick, dick—What was supposed to be a routine dick-picking trip turned into something much more. Dick and Dick went to Dick's farm to pick dicks. This was a funny sort of farm! To get to the orchard, they rode on a(n) dick driven by dick! Dick and Dick went about picking their dicks, and they filled two big bags with the most dick dicks they had ever seen.
Suddenly, Dick happened to ride by on a(n) dick and offered to turn the dicks into a delicious pie, right there in the orchard. Dick and Dick didn't believe that this was possible, but they agreed. Dick told them to close their eyes, and before they knew it, the dicks were steaming, hot dick pies. Dick and Dick couldn't believe their eyes! They were so amazed, they ran home and called Dick. When Dick was contacted about this matter, a reporter was informed that this “miracle” was “just a really dick practical joke”!
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 6:04 PM on August 24

Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Goose
posted by hifiparasol at 6:06 PM on August 24 [2 favorites]

I am the terror that faps in the night
posted by hifiparasol at 6:08 PM on August 24 [1 favorite]

It's funniest when replaced with Flabby Helena Bonham Carter ass.
posted by fire&wings at 6:13 PM on August 24

Like why is this on there?

The funny thing is that it's been on the sidebar since yesterday and it still has no favorites. That has to be some kind of record.
posted by smackfu at 6:16 PM on August 24

Sometimes I don't understand the sidebar. Like why is this on there?

I thought it was sweet that a complete stranger would offer to buy a fellow MeFite a pork chop on a stick, no real reason. Sometimes the sidebar is lackluster but sweet.
posted by jessamyn at 6:18 PM on August 24 [6 favorites]

Sometimes the sidebar is lackluster but sweet.

add fresh lemon juice to it!
posted by water bear at 6:24 PM on August 24 [1 favorite]

And then some Miracle dick fruit to sweeten the pot again!
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 6:28 PM on August 24

I see the nice people have arrived.
posted by gman at 6:30 PM on August 24

I'm still hoping the thread gets sidebarred, if for no other reason than that it will beget more awesome tips.
posted by disillusioned at 6:37 PM on August 24

I'll add it tomorrow so it can have its own slot on the sidebar.
posted by jessamyn at 6:53 PM on August 24

You wanna know what Like a Virgin's about? Let me tell you. It's about this coose who's a regular fuck machine. I'm talking morning, noon, and night. Dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:54 PM on August 24

Except that in Minnesota the game is Duck, Duck, Grey Duck.
posted by hindmost at 7:03 PM on August 24

Yay. Thanks, jessamyn.
posted by disillusioned at 7:03 PM on August 24

Christ, what a duck.

Except that in Minnesota the game is Duck, Duck, Grey Duck.
Also, that bothers me for some reason. I have no clue why.
posted by Askiba at 7:14 PM on August 24

Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Dick
Grey Dick

You know, for the Minnesota kids.
posted by Floydd at 7:30 PM on August 24

I want my food subsite. :(
posted by paisley henosis at 9:31 PM on August 24

Mmmmm, duck fat.
posted by desuetude at 10:11 PM on August 24

Fat Duck

Fuck Dat
posted by lalochezia at 10:38 PM on August 24

I was just bemoaning my plight of not getting enough dick these days. And then I came and read this thread.

I can thank Greg Nog for for giving me, and this thread, a thorough dicking.
posted by hippybear at 11:32 PM on August 24

Let's just add this thread instead, so those Time readers know what Meta's all about.
posted by klangklangston at 11:45 PM on August 24

It is a nice thread.

There is so much talent here; I think Metafilter should bankroll a restaurant where a plate of beans would always be available as an appetizer.
posted by peeedro at 11:46 PM on August 24

Stop dicking around you guys.
posted by Elmore at 4:49 AM on August 25

Yay, it's been sidebarred!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:18 AM on August 25

I said I would!
posted by jessamyn at 6:41 AM on August 25

Glad to see this MeTa, silly as it mostly is, because I flagged the cooking tips too. There were some amazing answers in there, and I learned that MeFi is home to some professionally trained chefs, and everyone in the thread had useful, cool, helpful stuff to add. (Well, you know... you have to kind of squint charitably at a "tip" that is nothing but "buy the most expensive butter", but, still).

I considered printing the thread out and keeping it in my kitchen binders, in fact.
posted by pineapple at 6:50 AM on August 25

Next time I get an AskMe deleted for being chatfilter I'm going to make a whiny MeTa post citing this thing that even contains a variant of "I'll go first" and got sidebarred! Actually no I'm not; I'm just bitter because I don't have time to cook these days so I'm not going to be able to play with all this awesome stuff.
posted by nowonmai at 7:35 AM on August 25

Thanks for a dicksome thread!
posted by languagehat at 7:38 AM on August 25

"I'll go first" is kind of a weird rule, becuase it is generally allowed to ask "do you have any more example of *this thing*?" Like asking by example.

Bad: What's your favorite band? I like X.
Good: I like X. What other bands would I like?
posted by smackfu at 8:00 AM on August 25

I avoided answering an alternative way to improve one's cooking....
1. move to a foreign country where you like the food but do not speak the language, prefferably one with a higher standard living and better social services (this opens up a lot of europe to us folks from the US - hellooooo Seeden!).
2. beg and plead to get a job illegally dishwashing.
3. wash dishes for 9 months, all the while trying to learn the language.... forge any paperwork necessary to make you quasi legal.
4. one day get handed a sack of potatoes and a knife. Do as instructed.
5. repeat washing dishes and doing odd jobs for 9 more months.
6. Continue to practice language until you are decent enough to enough for people to vaguely know what you are saying. (Kan jag fua inlagd gurka tak?)
7. get promoted to prep cook but keep getting forced back into the dishwashing area because they can't get a dishwasher who doesn't get drunk and pass out in the supply closet.
8. Bring family or close friends in (who only speaks your primary language) to wash the dishes permanently. Now not only are you covered, but now management won't fire either of you to prevent both of you from walking out. (And mom and dad didn't think you were planning for their retirement since their retirement funds tanked! See? a new experience in a foreign country!)
9. Prep cook for 3 more years, wait for the saute cook to go nuts and try to stab the grill guy. If one survives the ensuing ruckus, there is a 25% chance you might be promoted to Garde Manger.
10. Spend 2 years making salads, continually get in the saute guys way until he either quits or trys to stab you (in the latter case - its good to have practiced your knife fighting skills for this one. Remember: Square Triangle Circle is a power combo!) Don't forget, this is where having a relative who is (hopefully now) a prep cook who can rush the line helpful (mom maybe less so, but hopefully dad spent some time in the marines).
11. Survive step 10, and you'll hopefully be promoted to Saute! Congrats!

I should note: the guys who come to the US and work their way through the ranks are, in general, the hardest working, toughest, and most fiercely loyal kitchen staff you'd ever want to work with. I owe at least a few of them some major props for teaching me some humility, some spanish, and some pretty advanced saute work. Survive for a few years in a kitchen and you'll have an entirely different respect and perspective on aliens working in the US working in various states of legality.
posted by Nanukthedog at 8:40 AM on August 25 [5 favorites]

Not to pick a knife fight with TheBones, but I just wanted to make the observation that a more expensive knife is sometimes worth it for people with deficient cutting or sharpening skills, such as myself. Better to learn how to use and sharpen a knife properly, but domestic cooks don't get the same experience prep cooks do. I'm thinking specifically of how repeatedly pressing on the spine of a thin stamped knife to force a cut quickly gets uncomfortable (yeah I'd guess you aren't supposed to be doing that ever, but judging by knife reviews, people do).

Someone on mefi, maybe via lifehacker, once linked to nice site once on how to slice and chop (I think I remember a black background and line drawing illustrations). I feel like that'd be a perfect complement to the thread if I could find it again.
posted by BrotherCaine at 8:59 AM on August 25

I'm going to make a whiny MeTa post citing this thing that even contains a variant of "I'll go first" and got sidebarred!

If there's a problem to be solved, it's totally okay to give a few examples. Since chatfilter is sort of a hazy and hard-to-define animal, the whole "I go first" thing is in the FAQ as a way to help identify it, not to rule out otherwise okay questions.
posted by jessamyn at 9:25 AM on August 25

Sometimes the sidebar is lackluster but sweet.

Which, coincidentally, is how I like my women, drink, dick.
posted by slimepuppy at 10:03 AM on August 25

Mr. White: I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck.
Mr. Blue: How many ducks is that?
Mr. White: A lot.
posted by BrotherCaine at 11:50 AM on August 25

I'm going to make a whiny MeTa post...

Whilst that was a throwaway quip that I instantly regretted posting, and I do in fact understand the difference between strict rules and guidelines or indicators, I have to say that the question in question really doesn't have a specific problem to be solved. It is totally "hey let's talk about cooking; I'll go first" and fails pretty any chatfilter test that has ever been proposed. This is not a complaint or a demand for deletion or explanation, just an observation. I like these open-ended threads and so does everyone else!
posted by nowonmai at 12:03 PM on August 25

Which, coincidentally, is how I like my women, drink, dick.

So if I dip my flaccid phallus into a honeypot, we're good to go?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:34 PM on August 25

I have to say that the question in question really doesn't have a specific problem to be solved.

This is one of the things I love about AskMe and seeing it through other people's eyes. To me that question totally has a problem to be solved. In my mind it's this:

"...my cooking still tastes a little flat and two-dimensional. What practices or ingredients do you use to elevate your cooking? Spice mixes? Marinades? I prefer answers that skew towards the complex-but-tasty and avoid processed goods. Bonus points if you are a professional cook or culinary school student."

Paraphrased, as I see it anyhow: I like cooking. My cooking still doesn't have the sort of zing I want. What's your secret for zingy cooking? I have already tried these things.

It's possible I'm being overly charitable. I'm just so happy seeing people be happy about something on AskMe after the long "assumptions" MeTa
posted by jessamyn at 1:16 PM on August 25

I'm just so happy seeing people be happy about something on AskMe after the long "assumptions" MeTa

Liar. You're just here for the dicks.

/ducks to avoid hurled library book
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:34 PM on August 25

Dik dik? On a stick? That doesn't sound tasty. That doesn't sound tasty at all.
posted by Neofelis at 2:46 PM on August 25 [1 favorite]

Dik dik? On a stick? That doesn't sound tasty. That doesn't sound tasty at all.

Don't lie to me and tell me you've never had dik in your mouth...
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:28 PM on August 25

MetaFilter: lackluster but sweet.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 6:17 PM on August 25