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Dating IS important February 1, 2012 10:25 AM   Subscribe

If you dated the someone relevant to your question, please let us know.

I am partly referring to this questions, though there are other instances of this.

In this particular case, a poster had a question about a women at his place of employment that seemed to be giving him a hard time for no reason. May people responded based on the premise that this was solely a work related issue.

After a good amount of responses were given, the poster reveled that he had actually dated the woman in question, had turned down sleeping with her, and she had responded inappropriately. The poster was "habituated to pretending that it didn't happen in the context of talking about my work" which is a perfectly reasonable mistake, however, caused multiple MeFi's to give misinformed advice.

As a person who answers, almost exclusively, human relations questions, I would like to humbly remind posters that romantic interactions can be very relevant to interpersonal communication issues. Thus, if you have: slept with, dated, rejected, or been rejected by a person who is central to the question that you are asking, please include that information*

*Unless of course it is obvious. No need to say "I have slept with my husband in the past"
posted by Shouraku to Etiquette/Policy at 10:25 AM (99 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

*Unless of course it is obvious. No need to say "I have slept with my husband in the past"

I can tell you didn't watch the latest episode of House that's on Hulu.
posted by Jahaza at 10:26 AM on February 1, 2012 [9 favorites]


No need to say "I have slept with my husband in the past"

However, if you slept with your husband in the distant geologic past using a time machine or relying on the help of some sexually adventurous Tralfamadorians, please do feel free to mention that.

That's kind of my thing. Feel free to MeMail me.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:32 AM on February 1, 2012 [38 favorites]


Also, it would be great if you could mention whether I slept with your husband or not, as well.
posted by griphus at 10:40 AM on February 1, 2012 [24 favorites]


Also, if you are sleeping with your husband in the present perfect progressive, you should probably put down the phone.

Seriously, though? This is, of course, a good idea, but no amount of MeTa posts will make all Askers reliably do anything.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:45 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Sorry! After the dude in my question made me a similar offer to the one in the question, we kind of hit it off, and dated for a little while. It was a pretty amicable breakup, though, so I didn't mention it in the question itself.
posted by Greg Nog at 10:45 AM on February 1, 2012 [6 favorites]


Is this really a recurring issue?
posted by grouse at 10:46 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'm not sure how much of a recurring issue it is, but that was clearly one of the most egregious lies of omission (intentional or otherwise) I've ever seen on the green.
posted by brand-gnu at 10:48 AM on February 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


I think people often turn to AskMe when they're a little desperate for an answer, and tend to forget the relevant information because they've been turning the issue over and over in their heads for such a long time that they think everyone (even the anonymous internet) already knows the details, or that they're "obvious," because it's so familiar to them.

With questions that are asked by named users, this is generally not a big deal, as follow-up will usually shed light on the situation. I only get very frustrated when an anonymous question is clearly missing relevant information and the OP never follows up.
posted by xingcat at 10:49 AM on February 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


griphus: "Also, it would be great if you could mention whether I slept with your husband or not, as well."

I have a husband? Why doesn't anyone tell me these things?
posted by Karmakaze at 10:50 AM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


"Is this really a recurring issue?"

It's happened a couple of times. There was a question awhile back where someone was asking for help resolving a dispute on whether to force their to eat or not. The question presented the dispute as being between the OP and his friend, but it turned out that the 'friend' was actually his wife. Which, in the context of parenting, is a pretty big difference. Not quite as egregious as "I'm having a work dispute (with someone I dated)", but perhaps equally disruptive.
posted by muddgirl at 10:50 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


I remember that now, muddgirl. I guess hiding incredibly salient details is an occasionally recurring issue.
posted by grouse at 10:52 AM on February 1, 2012


I have a husband? Why doesn't anyone tell me these things?

It's a shame you missed the Great Enspousination of 2009.
posted by toomuchpete at 10:52 AM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


But midthread revelations are what keeps me coming back to human relations threads - twice the drama for the same price!
posted by Think_Long at 10:52 AM on February 1, 2012 [10 favorites]


Oh yeah, I had a high-favorite comment in that thread: food trauma?
posted by muddgirl at 10:52 AM on February 1, 2012


Shouraku, I know you put a lot of thought and problem-solving work into that question, so it must be disappointing to be dealt a vital bit of info like that so late in the game. But there's no way in hell everyone's always going to list all of the relevant info to their question.

Ya just gotta shrug and get on with it. AskMe is still worth your time!
posted by carsonb at 10:52 AM on February 1, 2012


It's not a OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING type of issue. However, in the short time that I have been here I have seen it happen a few times. Really, this lack of informations doesn't hurt the responders as much as the question asker, who gets poor responses.

Maybe this post will be useless, though, I figured that it would be worth a shot.

Also: griphus slept with my husband! (just wanted to include that).
posted by Shouraku at 10:53 AM on February 1, 2012


As a person who answers, almost exclusively, human relations questions...

People are imperfect .If you want to hang out in the human relations questions, you need to sort of go with the flow on said messy imperfections.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:57 AM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


The vicarious embarrassment is strong with this one*. The food one, too.

Three years is a long time, I can't read the question because it is too uncomfortable but I hope answerers were nice to the asker--it's a mistake, you know?


*Question: do people actually know what I'm referencing when I say that?
posted by the young rope-rider at 10:59 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Oh, and here was the related MeTa.

The situation is a little bit different, because leotrotsky apparantly didn't even consider that there is a contextual difference between "My friend disagrees with how I feed my kid" and "My wife and I disagree on how to feed our kid" while alphanerd, I guess, just sort of forgot?
posted by muddgirl at 11:00 AM on February 1, 2012


This question linked was a sh*t show in terms of sudden surprise disclosure and the amount of self imposed drama. In other words, an askme relationship question.
posted by AugustWest at 11:00 AM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


No need to say "I have slept with my husband in the past"

Sleeping does not mean sex though. Okay with a husband/wife it might have happened in the past but otherwise I do wish people would say "we had /did not have sex" rather than the "we slept together".
posted by episodic at 11:01 AM on February 1, 2012


It might be confusing if you take it literally, but it's a well-known figure of speech and works well to communicate what went on.
posted by the young rope-rider at 11:02 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


> Sleeping does not mean sex though.

Unless the question is about room arrangements or sleep apnea or something logistical, then "sleeping with someone" pretty much always connotes intercourse.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:18 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Oh snap. I knew there was more to that situation than there appeared!
posted by Ad hominem at 11:26 AM on February 1, 2012


Unless the question is about room arrangements or sleep apnea or something logistical, then "sleeping with someone" pretty much always connotes intercourse.

Which gets confusing when somebody sleeps with another somebody in the broom closet over lunch time and there was actually no sleeping involved whatsoever.
posted by kingbenny at 11:26 AM on February 1, 2012


That question was already bordering on telenovela territory before the big dating reveal. Reading it almost gave me a nosebleed.
posted by elizardbits at 11:27 AM on February 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


I am glad we are hammering out these esoteric euphemisms early, before it becomes a real problem.
posted by Houyhnhnm at 11:28 AM on February 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


I think this is already handled as far as the site policy goes. iWhen you post a question, you're reminded to provide all relevant information, like location, etc.

When it doesn't happen, I agree, it IS really frustrating to anyone trying to help!

But then again, so are the questions with 22 paragraphs of unnecessary details. Like:

"So, I called this guy on a Friday, and he was practicing with his band, they play Heavy Metal at this club we both go to and where I bartend on weekends except every other Friday when I get off work and go camping, but when I called him I was definitely at the bar, only it was one of the Fridays I don't work, because it was raining so I couldn't go camping.

So I was there at the bar, as a customer and not working, and it was really loud when he called but I couldn't go outside because, yeah, it was raining, right?

So I thought he said he would meet me when the band was done and they usually finish around 11, but then he didn't get to the bar until 1 in the morning. So I was mad because he made me wait, so I left and I haven't talked to him since then.

Plus, his friends in the band don't like me very much, because I cheated on him with three of the waiters, which is totally not fair because they don't even know me and besides I have a kid with one of them so it's not like it's really cheating because we have a history. So it is really hypocritical for the band not to like me, because I know for a fact that some of them have slept with waitresses that they DON'T EVEN HAVE KIDS WITH.

Plus, I am a really good person and the only reason I even go camping on the Fridays I don't work is to bond with my kid. Sometimes his Dad goes with us because he's the one who owns the tent but we aren't sleeping together any more. Well, except technically we do because we have to share the tent, but we aren't actually having sex, we're really sleeping, because our kid is there in the tent with us and I don't think that kind of thing is right with children around!

Which just proves what I mean about me being a good person and the band being totally unfair to judge me when they don't know what it's like trying to raise a kid these days.

But the band is playing tomorrow and I am working as a bartender because it's one of those Fridays I work and don't go camping. And now I think maybe they guy I dated didn't say he'd meet me when they were done, but that he would meet me "at one", and I just blew him off, so I am feeling guilty.

Plus, my ex is working tomorrow, too, and he's mad at me and probably won't let me use his tent any more because I dated this guy in the band. But I think this guy might have a tent.

So I will see this guy tomorrow and it might be awkward now, but I really want to go out with him again.

Should I give him a second chance?"
So I guess my point is, yeah, vital information was left out, but on the other hand, count your blessings?
posted by misha at 11:29 AM on February 1, 2012 [8 favorites]


Sleeping does not mean sex though. Okay with a husband/wife it might have happened in the past but otherwise I do wish people would say "we had /did not have sex" rather than the "we slept together".

Given that "sex" is a continuum of anatomical morphologies, I prefer "I put my penis in him/her and kind of wiggled about for, oh, like six minutes or so, ultimately leaving both of us unsatisfied and wishing we watched another episode of Louie instead" and similar constructs, which are both more clear, and help push Metafilter towards being the repository for bad erotica I believe in my heart it can be.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 11:30 AM on February 1, 2012 [22 favorites]


Also, shouldn't there be a link to this MeTa in that thread?
posted by elizardbits at 11:31 AM on February 1, 2012


You could just watch TV during sex to stave off disappointment, you know.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:31 AM on February 1, 2012


Also, shouldn't there be a link to this MeTa in that thread?

No, we should throw that in as an aside after the thread is marked resolved.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 11:32 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Yes, people deliberately leaving out important information and then being shitty about it is a 'thing' in AskMe.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:36 AM on February 1, 2012


People are imperfect. If you want to hang out in the human relations questions, you need to sort of go with the flow on said messy imperfections.

Yeah, there's this sorta consensus that it's a good thing to post answers that actually want to help the questioner rather than to berate them, but we still have to live with plenty of the latter in relationship AskMes.
posted by Dano St at 11:40 AM on February 1, 2012


I think with questions like this, if the asker could present them coherently, they almost wouldn't have to ask the question. Sometimes they work themselves out by people pointing out dissonances or ferreting out other information. I think that sort of happened here.
posted by BibiRose at 11:41 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think that sort of happened here.

Oh, sorry. I went back and checked the original thread.

Well, I still think in some cases it takes a certain amount of back and forth to get the relevant information, but it ends up with an over positive outcome, to the extent that such is possible. (And if it took a mefi thread for the person to realize what the relevant information was, that's not so bad.)
posted by BibiRose at 11:46 AM on February 1, 2012


I think with questions like this, if the asker could present them coherently, they almost wouldn't have to ask the question.

Yes. I have solved a number of problems for myself during the process of trying to write a concise and coherent AskMe question.
posted by grouse at 11:48 AM on February 1, 2012 [10 favorites]


Is this really a recurring issue?

People asking questions that are not phrased in ways that are liable to get them good answers is a recurring issue. Common failure modes are

- You are too angry/emotional to ask a good question and your question is more of a rant
- Your question is not a real question but more of a processing exercise and at the end of it you don't care what anyone thinks
- Your question is really five or ten questions
- You ask a question that indicates that you have not done any work or research into it before coming to AskMe and your question implies you'd like people to Google things for you
- You left out really important parts and/or obfuscated parts that are sort of important to helping you figure out what to do
- You need to go to a doctor/lawyer/hospital and not the internet
- You have grievously misread the room and are presuming people will side with you when they, in fact, will not. You take offense at this
- Your question includes something you had no idea was racist or sexist, or a joke others did not understand, or a mis-stated fact, and then becomes a referendum on your language.
- You thread sit [not really a question problem per se, but more of a "not understanding how we do things here" thing]
- Your lack of spell checking or basic grammar/capitalization make people question your general fitness
- You indicate that something is NOT AN OPTION when in fact it's very likely that is the thing that will solve your problem
- You include either way too much or way to little in the way of details
- Your question reveals that you are sort of a jerk

Not that there aren't people who give bad answers, they certainly do, but watching AskMe questions often fail in the same ways over and over, we really try to set things up so people have a heads up about how to ask a good question, but ultimately we hope that over time they may become better askers which may mean that in the short term they have some difficulties.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:54 AM on February 1, 2012 [132 favorites]


Shipbreaker is a special boy. One of those "I was trolling BUT JUST TO SHOW YOU A POINT" people. I guess instead of special boy I meant jerkoff.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:55 AM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


A lot of times people will ask questions like "How do I deal with X" when what they really need to know is "How can I stop being Y which is causing X". Most people who have this happen to them react very negatively, which just feeds the loop that they're the real problem in the first place. It seldom ends well.

The example off the top of my head was some guy who had fought with a friend at a party who kept turning his music to something else. In his initial question it was all the friends fault, but it became ever clearer that the OP had real anger and control issues.

or basically this now that I see jess beat me to it: - You have grievously misread the room and are presuming people will side with you when they, in fact, will not. You take offense at this
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:58 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Well spoken jess!

Apparently these issues that are inherent to the system.
posted by Shouraku at 12:03 PM on February 1, 2012


Jessamyn should really give some thought to the ways AskMe questions can go wrong. Because that list isn't impressively thoughtful enough.


Ways comments can go wrong:
-- You aim to compliment through sarcasm but are afraid someone might miss it so you step on the joke with a disclaimer at the end which ruins it completely.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:03 PM on February 1, 2012 [7 favorites]


So answering what you think people really need answering rather than what they're specifically asking is vastly more complicated by missing information. I still stand by doing it FROM TIME TO TIME because it's easy to miss the forest by staring at the trees or whatever the fuck that means.

That Europe trip thing a few weeks ago, link, changed drastically from the OP to the clarification. Though some regarded it as a major clusterfuck, it felt to me like the system was working as intended*, and once things were clarified the actual answering went down.

*Y'know, as far as advice giving and getting goes.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:08 PM on February 1, 2012


There is also the very common XY Problem which is my favorite and I talk about it all the time driving everyone crazy, sort of like what OnTheLastCastle is talking about, but narrower. Basically you ask for help solving one thing which you think is causing the other thing. But you are wrong about that, or maybe just mistaken, and people don't deal with this gracefully. See also: how do I become okay with the open relationship my boyfriend wants to have (possible, but difficult), how do I put a filter on the home computer so that the kid can't do what the kid wants to do (less good than many other solutions, makes the nerds angry), how do I find a dog that is okay being home alone for 14 hours a day (maybe not a great time for pet ownership) how do I find a piece of software that meets these detailed and picky specifications (possible, but perhaps relax your specs), how do I find something as full-featured as gmail that isn't owned by Google (good luck).

I've mentioned this before but the more I see people coming to AskMe and asking in good faith for help solving their problems [as opposed to people who are just trolling or sort of Yahoo Answers-style goofing] the more I feel that librarianship as the art of helping people formulate a question and then helping them answer it, is more of an art than I had previously thought.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:09 PM on February 1, 2012 [49 favorites]


Yeah, there's this sorta consensus that it's a good thing to post answers that actually want to help the questioner rather than to berate them, but we still have to live with plenty of the latter in relationship AskMes.

Yeah, that was really uncool.
posted by the young rope-rider at 12:09 PM on February 1, 2012


Jess, I like the way you think. :)

And yeah, I think advice giving is more art than technical skill for any question beyond "How do I build/buy/etc."

Yeah, there's this sorta consensus that it's a good thing to post answers that actually want to help the questioner rather than to berate them, but we still have to live with plenty of the latter in relationship AskMes.

Gotta be the change you want to see. That's partially why I answer those kind of questions even if I'm not in the mood. I've spent today in a good mood 'cause I think I knocked a response to a fairly generic emo-young-adult question out of the park yesterday.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:16 PM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm glad I looked at this MeTa because I see that kinetic's Europe choral trip thing has been resolved well for her!
posted by pointystick at 12:18 PM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


I've often thought that it would be interesting to have a AskMe Projects site where people could pre-flight their rambling incoherent questions for a while with a subset of Metafilter, and then when there is a cogent question, it would be posted for everyone to see.

My own observation is that if your question includes the phrase "special snowflake details inside!", in all likelihood deleting 90%+ of your question will improve the responses immeasurably.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 12:18 PM on February 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


how do i shot web? (go back to 4chan)
posted by griphus at 12:19 PM on February 1, 2012


My own observation is that if your question includes the phrase "special snowflake details inside!", in all likelihood deleting 90%+ of your question will improve the responses immeasurably.

This is a problem with non-writers, which happily and functionally the vast majority of the world is, in that they'll include all the details you don't need and leave out the three very cogent details you do need.

Or choose their pronouns poorly.

They just need an editor... so yeah, that project sounds sweet.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:22 PM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm sorry, but before I can consider if this is a reasonable request...who are you sleeping with again?
posted by cjorgensen at 12:32 PM on February 1, 2012


I thought it was you, but clearly the lights need to be turned on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:34 PM on February 1, 2012


Griphus, in the Converatory, with A Husband.
posted by The Whelk at 12:46 PM on February 1, 2012 [6 favorites]


I put the 'do' in 'Cluedo'.
posted by griphus at 12:49 PM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


There is also the very common XY Problem which is my favorite and I talk about it all the time driving everyone crazy

Oh man! This is a problem I (as a tech person working in software development teams) have experienced, and described to people multiple times: Sales person finds bug in software, and instead of reporting bug, dreams up new feature that would act as a work around to the bug, and then submits that feature request to the dev team who look at it and go "Wha? Why the fuck do you want that?". Dev team then ignore bizarre feature request and Sales person gets pissed off that (unreported) bug isn't resolved.

I had no idea it was a Thing.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 12:50 PM on February 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


I'm glad I looked at this MeTa because I see that kinetic's Europe choral trip thing has been resolved well for her!

Look at that
, indeed it has! Hurray!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:50 PM on February 1, 2012


I'm sorry, but before I can consider if this is a reasonable request...who are you sleeping with again?

Again? You mean I get to do it twice?
posted by Admiral Haddock at 12:52 PM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


There is also the very common XY Problem

I had no idea this had a name! Now I can curse it properly. Huzzah!
posted by grapesaresour at 12:54 PM on February 1, 2012


There is also the very common XY Problem

Men. Sheesh!
posted by Kabanos at 12:57 PM on February 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


There is also the very common XY Problem

Eh, use an A-Wing if you need a quick solution. Go with the B-Wing if it's a big problem.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:07 PM on February 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


the more I feel that librarianship as the art of helping people formulate a question and then helping them answer it, is more of an art than I had previously thought.

Defining the problem often gets you most of the way to the solution.
posted by empath at 1:11 PM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


There is also the very common XY Problem

Whenever someone describes to me a problem of this type, I hear Sam Seaborn saying very tersely, "I don't grant your premise."
posted by Snarl Furillo at 1:11 PM on February 1, 2012 [8 favorites]


- You thread sit [not really a question problem per se, but more of a "not understanding how we do things here" thing]

Okay, I understand the "how" part of that grievance, but could someone expound on the "why?"

I can understand it being bad for a commenter to threadsit on the blue or gray, lest s/he dominates the conversation. And I can understand it on the green for certain questions too.

But for human relations questions, especially one where the asker is distressed and has a pretty major problem, shouldn't it be, as much as possible, a dialogue? What is the reason that the standard of "sit back and wait for people to answer, chime in only minimally" be universal?
posted by mreleganza at 1:40 PM on February 1, 2012


I thought the xy problem had to do with male answering syndrome.

That was an eye-roller of a question, but happily I think that those kind of Surprise! updates are actually fairly rare, happily.
posted by Forktine at 1:47 PM on February 1, 2012


Because the intent is more "state your dilemma, get advice" and less "do live internet talk therapy". Askme's got a fairly specific form it's intended to take: ask a question, get answers. If there's something missing from the question as originally stated or some clarification folks need to answer confidently, it's totally fine for the asker to follow up with an occasional supplemental comment to get that stuff added/clarified, but it should be an occasional update, not running series of replies to everything that gets posted.

There are odd exceptional cases where this makes a little more sense, but as a general rule letting folks answer the question you asked is pretty much the intended flow of a thread. And with threadsitting, it tends to be more of a problem not specifically just because the asker is commenting frequently but because usually that frequent commenting is more chatty or argumentative or just-saying-what's-on-my-mind than it is gentle, careful steering of the "getting my question answered" sort.

One way to look at it is that if the sum total of what an asker puts into comments over the course of an askme thread would if it appeared in the question itself as a lump of text turn the question into something that would get deleted as rambling or chatfilter that needed reworking, it's problematic to have it playing out in the thread as well. Clarifying is fine. Chatting or arguing or just venting, not so much.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:47 PM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


jessamyn, I love that you have now informed me of a name for That Thing.

My canonical example of this comes from The Peterkin Papers, in which Mrs. Peterkin tries to deal with the problem of having put salt instead of sugar in her coffee. I will just link the thing itself, because if I live to be one million years of age I will never be half as funny as Lucretia Hale.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:25 PM on February 1, 2012 [8 favorites]


A: - You are too angry/emotional to ask a good question and your question is more of a rant
- Your question is not a real question but more of a processing exercise and at the end of it you don't care what anyone thinks
- Your question is really five or ten questions
- You ask a question that indicates that you have not done any work or research into it before coming to AskMe and your question implies you'd like people to Google things for you
- You left out really important parts and/or obfuscated parts that are sort of important to helping you figure out what to do
- You need to go to a doctor/lawyer/hospital and not the internet
- You have grievously misread the room and are presuming people will side with you when they, in fact, will not. You take offense at this
- Your question includes something you had no idea was racist or sexist, or a joke others did not understand, or a mis-stated fact, and then becomes a referendum on your language.
- You thread sit [not really a question problem per se, but more of a "not understanding how we do things here" thing]
- Your lack of spell checking or basic grammar/capitalization make people question your general fitness
- You indicate that something is NOT AN OPTION when in fact it's very likely that is the thing that will solve your problem
- You include either way too much or way to little in the way of details
- Your question reveals that you are sort of a jerk


Q: What are the top 13 iOS 6 Siri answers?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:42 PM on February 1, 2012 [8 favorites]


My canonical example of this comes from The Peterkin Papers, in which Mrs. Peterkin tries to deal with the problem of having put salt instead of sugar in her coffee.

OMG! You have just clearly identified one of a series of stories I read when I was a kid. I couldn't remember the exact title. Thanks!

You see, I came here thinking my big current problem was some serious DOMs from front squatting on Monday, but the problem that was solved was finding that damn story. It almost makes up for living in a house with three floors.
posted by maudlin at 4:04 PM on February 1, 2012


If you dated the someone relevant to your question, please let us know.

Okay. I used to date the woman in this question. I still do, but I used to, too.
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:51 PM on February 1, 2012


Just an fyi, for any of my ask questions that involve me personally... I'm schtupping that dude.
posted by drezdn at 5:43 PM on February 1, 2012


all of my questions are heavily encoded and veiled sex questions
posted by The Whelk at 5:45 PM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


Come on. It doesn't really take that much code or that big a veil. Be honest, now.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:53 PM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Q: What are the top 13 iOS 6 Siri answers?

Siri never understands me. I'm wondering if this is because I changed the voice to be Australian and now it's expecting me to speak Australian, or if I am just much more mumbly than I thought. And I wish it would learn, at all. Like, there is one person I text and I always text the same sets of things "On my way" and other travel-related stuff and every time Siri can't get the word "Eighty-nine" right and it's a comedy of errors and I eventually give up and just text while driving but it's Vermont and there's no one else on the highway so it's okay.

The lady from Philadelphia listened very attentively, and then said, "Why doesn't your mother make a fresh cup of coffee?"

City people think they know everything!
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:58 PM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


or if I am just much more mumbly than I thought.

I am surprised by how loud and authoritative my voice has to get in order to make my Xbox or phone do anything on voice command. It's like I have to mentally channel a U-boat captain in order to text my mom.
posted by The Whelk at 6:02 PM on February 1, 2012 [7 favorites]


My bluetooth doesn't seem to understand blue language, which is disappointing. Luckily, it's hands free, so I can flip it off for added emphasis.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:12 PM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also: griphus slept with my husband! (just wanted to include that).

A few years ago, I met a lovely woman through a homeschool group my kids and I were part of. I would come home and tell my partner stories about this nice woman Penny I had met and how much I liked her. Then one day, I came back from a Moms' Night Out and said to him, "This is kind of funny! Penny's husband's name is Cecil, and I always thought that was kind of an old-fashioned name. Well, tonight I met Cecil when he came to pick up Penny, and he is actually quite a bit older than she is! Isn't that funny?"

My partner: "What a funny coincidence. I used to have a friend named Penny who was also married to an older man named Cecil."

Me: "This Cecil works at [name of local landmark]."

Partner: "So did this other Cecil!"

Note: we are actually very bright people, but every now and then we are hilariously slow on the uptake. However, at this point something starts to dawn on us both, and my partner says, "What's Penny's last name?"

Me: "I dunno, Von Something. She's built kind of small but she has this extraordinary thick long auburn hair--"

Partner: "Penny Von Brisco!"

Me: "That's it! I can't believe you know her!"

Parnter: "Know her? I slept with her!"

[Note: they really were friends and housemates for a long time when they were young adults, and their sleeping together took place before Penny was involved with Cecil. Penny and my partner were happy to reconnect, and later that year we invited Penny and Cecil to my partner's birthday dinner. It was lovely but just the tiniest bit awkward for Cecil.]
posted by not that girl at 6:25 PM on February 1, 2012 [6 favorites]


all of my questions are heavily encoded and veiled sex questions

We know. You are also 80% of anonymous questions, whelk. Go ahead and ask a question on the average male refractory period, I know you want to.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:24 PM on February 1, 2012


Parnter: "Know her? I slept with her!"

My brain insists on reading this in the "Rectum? Damn near killed 'im" voice.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:36 PM on February 1, 2012 [7 favorites]


I am surprised by how loud and authoritative my voice has to get in order to make my Xbox or phone do anything on voice command. It's like I have to mentally channel a U-boat captain in order to text my mom.

This is why I don't get the whole Siri thing. You know those automated telephone systems where you have to say "One" instead of pressing 1? I HATE those. I end up yelling "OPERATOR!" as often as I can. (Or swearing a lot. I hope they aren't really recording for quality assurance.) Why would I want a phone I have to talk to?

Yes, yes, I know what I just said.
posted by maryr at 9:56 PM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


but it's Vermont and there's no one else on the highway

LIES MY FATHER TOLD ME:

"Son, did you know there are only two state troopers in all of Vermont? Each morning, one starts in Guilford and drives north on 91, and one starts in Derby and drives south, and they meet for lunch in White River Junction."
posted by SpiffyRob at 4:42 AM on February 2, 2012 [11 favorites]


MetaFilter: Know her? I slept with her!
posted by cooker girl at 6:18 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


Go ahead and ask a question on the average male refractory period, I know you want to.

I have trouble getting an erection after ejaculating. I wait 10-20 minutes, but it doesn't get too hard. It sometimes annoys my girlfriend. Is there anything I can do besides waiting till the next day?

-One Shot Wonder


I just want to say this thread has been a goldmine of useful information. I was glad to hear kinetic's situation got resolved (although I am not sure how this thread led to that information) and finding a name for the XY problem has been a godsend (or should that be modsend?) It happens all the time in medicine when patients want you to fix their symptoms without considering the underlying problem.
posted by TedW at 6:34 AM on February 2, 2012


To heck with that, let's hear about the really extraordinarily above average male refractory period. Two-fisted tales of Rick "The Machinegunner" Kowalski, a hard man alone in a world that always saw him coming. Onanoir.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:20 AM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


...wait, wouldn't an above-average refractory period be longer than normal? So less "The Machinegunner" and more "Moon Shot."
posted by griphus at 7:29 AM on February 2, 2012


That was my thought too, griphus.
posted by TedW at 8:04 AM on February 2, 2012


I think "above average" is defensibly ambiguous on that front (where e.g. "longer than average" would not be), since it can be read as a unitless statement of magnitude-of-achievement. A bit of synechdoche, the argument being that Mr. Kowalski is above average in his exercising of that whole refractory-period situation, etc. But I concede the point that it's not really satisfactorily clear as written. I hadn't had any tea yet.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:20 AM on February 2, 2012


Yeah this is the "What are you doing when you turn the fridge up?" question. Making it colder or warmer?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:25 AM on February 2, 2012


Ha, you guys are the best. I almost asked that question a few weeks ago for some reason or another, but of course wikipedia had all the relevant information.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:40 AM on February 2, 2012


Q: What are you doing when you turn the fridge up?
A: Recording a Sunn O))) album.
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:45 AM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]


I have a really extraordinarily above average male confectionery period. Which is pretty sweet.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:04 AM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


Mel would call you sugardick.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:19 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


If alphanerd had mentioned that he'd been hooking up with the colleague, he'd be denied the opportunity to emphasize how "crazy" she is all on her own and would have to feel guilty about admitting that he contributed to the situation in some way.

Which reminds me of a quote by Tom Haverford on Parks&Rec:

Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. "Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up." "Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy." That's what they always do on Entourage. —Tom Haverford
posted by anniecat at 10:33 AM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


I have a really extraordinarily above average male confectionery period. Which is pretty sweet.

Once every leap year? Refractory period is when you can't orgasm, so a longer one is worse. Or... better... I guess. Depending on your... wait, where am I?
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:36 AM on February 2, 2012


Don't 99.999% of relationship questions leave out the parts that indicate the questioner contributed to their situation? When I'm reading them I mentally add an implicit disclaimer to every answer that the answerer doesn't actually know the whole story, or even most of it. If I didn't, I'd be even more insane.
posted by Dano St at 11:42 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


anniecat - and it was done in a way that seemed to relish the crazy, which always says something telling about the person who is the 'non-crazy'. Frankly they both sound like utter nightmares to work with. If someone I worked with was recording my calls, no matter how insanely I behaved outside of the workplace, I'd be on the phone to HR and they'd be putting a disciplinary hearing date in their diary. In fact, I'd be surprised if that wasn't gross misconduct given the legal implications of covert recording.
posted by mippy at 12:42 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


When I was a kid I used to hate it when huge blowing up outfreakage disputes between me and my sister wound up with my mom basically saying "You're both being awful and the best way to wrap this up is for you to just go away and do something else for a while. Come back later and we can talk about what to do if it happens again." and I was so indignant about the whole thing and OMG life is so unfair and much gnashing of teeth and all the rest.

And then I got older and realized she was basically right and the best way to stop the drama is to not be a part of it in the first place or interact with it basically at all. There are other downsides to this since dramatic people and experiences are often fun and exhilarating but now that I am not eight years old I have other priorities that rank higher than the uncertain roller coaster that is interacting with people who act unstable. Also I work here so there is some vicarious drama if I want to rub up against it.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:26 PM on February 2, 2012 [9 favorites]


MetaFilter: I work here so there is some vicarious drama if I want to rub up against it.
posted by grouse at 1:27 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


That's a great visual. I keep picturing Drama Cat, rubbing against MetaFilter.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:08 PM on February 2, 2012


This is where I post the video of my cat rubbing up against taters, right?
posted by fraula at 6:21 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


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