BTW: I am a cat March 16, 2012 7:32 PM   Subscribe


7. What are some French-language memoirs of people who died while shopping?

...that's where I lost it.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:35 PM on March 16, 2012 [14 favorites]


Complication: my boyfriend is also my cat's endocrinologist.

That is so pitch-perfect I can barely describe my elation.
posted by griphus at 7:43 PM on March 16, 2012 [39 favorites]


My girlfriend dumped me six months ago. Is this a red flag?
posted by theodolite at 7:49 PM on March 16, 2012 [18 favorites]


I was going to say that "BTW: I am a cat" made this entire MeTa worth it, but The Whelk, you beat me to it.
posted by MadamM at 7:53 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]


9. Me: An academic librarian who spends her days digitizing early modern English psalters ... but what I really want is to devote myself full-time to starting a Muay Thai boxing summer camp. You: An SBA loan officer. How can I make you swoon?
posted by liketitanic at 7:55 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


And, why can't I favorite user profiles?
posted by Confess, Fletch at 8:06 PM on March 16, 2012 [6 favorites]


Because you can bookmark them.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:08 PM on March 16, 2012 [4 favorites]


Yeah, this is gold. Pure gold.

BTW: I am a cat.
posted by k8lin at 8:08 PM on March 16, 2012


7. What are some French-language memoirs of people who died while shopping?

...that's where I lost it.


Same here.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:09 PM on March 16, 2012


Not "Eden", and not a "b".

Holy shit that's funny. I met geneva uswazi at a meetup if I'm not mistaken -- the one when Pater Alethias came back to town. This reminds me we need another Triangle meetup soon.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:15 PM on March 16, 2012 [4 favorites]


I bought a chia pet from the end of the canned vegetables aisle of my local Trader Joe's, but I left it out opened in my living room for three hours, can I still eat it?
posted by Blasdelb at 8:16 PM on March 16, 2012 [11 favorites]


oh god this is delightful and i am delighted
posted by elizardbits at 8:23 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]


Recurring botulism: red flag?
posted by griphus at 8:25 PM on March 16, 2012


Number 8 made me snort laugh.
posted by OsoMeaty at 8:27 PM on March 16, 2012


The sad part is that I can probably take a decently educated stab at #6 given that I've been researching the time period for something I'm writing. No, wait, the sad part is that I started to write out an answer and stopped because I realized I wanted to go double check and I AM RESISTING THE URGE.
posted by cobaltnine at 8:30 PM on March 16, 2012 [10 favorites]


You know what else cracks people up?

Crack.
posted by jonmc at 8:46 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


OMG #6 IS THE ONE I WANTED ANSWERED!!!!

(no pressure or anything, cobaltnine...I'm going to bed, and though I'm stone cold sober, I will probably not remember this tomorrow.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:47 PM on March 16, 2012


*slow clap building to furious applause*
posted by Greg Nog at 9:04 PM on March 16, 2012 [6 favorites]




My monitor is inexplicably covered in a spritz of diet Coke. I have no cat to lap it up. Geneva Uswazi owes me either a monitor or a cat. Then again, I owe Geneva Uswazi for the weekend-making stress relief. Let's call it even.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 9:16 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


What's the most carbon-neutral way to express my solidarity with pro-democracy rebels in the Middle East using only my smartphone?

I'll be getting the giggles at inappropriate times thinking about that for at least a week.
posted by double block and bleed at 9:29 PM on March 16, 2012 [5 favorites]


bwahaha.
posted by threeants at 9:36 PM on March 16, 2012


Love this.
posted by threeants at 9:36 PM on March 16, 2012


I admire anyone who can transmute the intermittent rage one feels at a certain subset of AskMe questions into high art. Bravo! Bravo! Bravissimo!
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:40 PM on March 16, 2012 [6 favorites]


This forced its way through my hangover to make me smile.

Thank you.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:46 PM on March 16, 2012


My teenage son spends up to 17 minutes per day s'ing his own d. Is this gay? [more inside]
___

I don't mind if it's gay, I just want to be prepared as a responsible parent, if it's gay
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:48 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]


We do fake AskMe question threads on Metachat sometimes. It's a rich vein of humour to tap. My favourite part is always imagining the responses.
posted by orange swan at 10:02 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


FYI: not really a cat.

I checked.
posted by Ceiling Cat at 10:12 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


not only a funny profile, but also a great collection of favourites. good stuff. well cultivated.
posted by batmonkey at 10:28 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh man. So great, every single one.

Still giggling at "newer, better glands."
posted by pts at 10:58 PM on March 16, 2012


The answer to #10 is clearly Thick As A Brick by Jethro Tull.
posted by philip-random at 11:23 PM on March 16, 2012


Ghostbusters II?
posted by zoinks at 11:28 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


The Whelk - what series of clicks, for whatever reasons, led you to this wonderful discovery?
posted by tzikeh at 12:05 AM on March 17, 2012


I was checking recent activity, saw I had a favorite from someone with this amazing user name so I clicked in oh who could that be sense and got this beautiful gam in my lap.
posted by The Whelk at 12:08 AM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I feel dull and prosaic (even while giggling)
posted by infini at 12:42 AM on March 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


If everyone was super, then nobody would be super.
posted by Meatbomb at 1:50 AM on March 17, 2012


Pitch perfect, yes, thank you!
posted by thinkpiece at 2:40 AM on March 17, 2012


What's the most carbon-neutral way to express my solidarity with pro-democracy rebels in the Middle East using only my smartphone?

Yes.
posted by DU at 3:33 AM on March 17, 2012


and got this beautiful gam in my lap.

I'm hoping that's a typo, otherwise I'm jealous that you have some kind of Metafilter Plus.
posted by Infinite Jest at 4:11 AM on March 17, 2012 [7 favorites]


Simply inspired, thanks for sharing.
posted by arcticseal at 4:28 AM on March 17, 2012


Because you can bookmark them.

You can bookmark individual comments, yet you can also favorite them.
posted by Philosopher Dirtbike at 4:40 AM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh God. All of that screams MeFi. SCREAMS.
posted by iamkimiam at 4:41 AM on March 17, 2012


Will somebody please answer #6 for me?
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:40 AM on March 17, 2012


On the internet, everyone knows you're a cat.
posted by sonika at 5:48 AM on March 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Very funny. A touch of Mark Leyner, which is a good thing.
posted by Bookhouse at 6:44 AM on March 17, 2012


BTW: Mike Daisy is actually a cat.
posted by OsoMeaty at 6:47 AM on March 17, 2012


I met geneva uswazi at a meetup if I'm not mistaken -- the one when Pater Alethias came back to town.

Indeed you did. That was a fun night. And this is my new favorite user profile.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 6:52 AM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


1. My cat's homeopath swears by Abe's Tincture, a dilution of black bear gall, hooded cobra venom and dried squirrel testicles, which she recommended for me based on a YouTube video of an Indian Swami Bajeeza who put a single drop of it on an ailing tabby's food bowl and saw the little guy perk right up. I tried a dash of it myself in my bean jam (my cat is doing okay right now so I can't say for sure what it will do for yours) but I can tell you that I was pissing like a racehorse for three days! I can hook you up pretty cheaply with a vial so MeMail me!

2. Harbour Freight, and they have a sale on right now. The strap clamps can be a little tight as supplied from the factory if your moggy is running a bit wide in the seat, and you'll also need to lubricate the gears and bearings; I recommend lithium grease and you'll need about a quart. Note that the 5HP motor requires 220V 40A power but you could just unplug your dryer.

3. I don't know if its okay to self link? I run a small after-hours winery called Minot Noir and I also teach classes in winemaking. And I don't care what's in your pants as long as you're not Greek. Okay that's just a joke, "minotaur" get it? hah! Nevermind.

4. East of Eaton's, by John Steinneck; a comprehensive history of the rise and fall of the Canadian bourgouise as told through five decades of interviews with lingerie clerks at the now-failed department store chain.

5a. Sweetheart, from your previous question it doesn't like the possible outcomes are good. You never posted a follow up, but it did seem like the gland transplant was going badly. I didn't think using a muskrat for a donor seemed wise but perhaps things will turn out. Give him another chance! THINK OF THE KITTY.

5b. As a medical professional your BF is only sworn to uphold the caudecus, not agree with you all the time. Are you a child? Get your own computer!

5c. Give him one more chance to join your S3 account and if he doesn't get his shit together, DTMFA.

5d. MAC OR PC?

5e. Folks, this a relationship question, not a tech question, and if you can't be hostile maybe give it a pass?

6. I hope this doesn't ruin your story, but my great-great-grandfather was a colonial administrator under the British Raj and he *never shaved* and neither did any of his peers. Here's a scan of the relevant page in his diary.

7. À la recherche du temps perdu.

8. Let me refill your water bowl.

9. Chloroform.

10. Send infrequentl SMSs about your hunger strike.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:50 AM on March 17, 2012 [20 favorites]


seanmpuckett: 6. (Honestly true) My grandfather, who from the anecdotes I've heard was quite a scruffy poorly shaven man* but nevertheless a respected bureaucrat, had an administrative position in the late British Raj for a 6 month period. I don't know what type of shaving cream he used, so I can only give one story about what kind of products were used in the grandparental bathroom. He returned from his shaving ablutions one morning proud of the new anagram he'd found: "A wasp strode in". This, he felt, was an entirely more poetic arrangement of letters than what had previously been on the cardboard tube of cleaning product: "Sanitas Powder".

*on his way into work in London as a senior civil servant, he bent down on Whitehall to adjust his artificial leg (below the knee replacement due to shrapnel damage in World War 1), placed his bowler had on the ground, adjusted his leg, picked up the bowler hat, and found some passer by had tossed a ten bob note in it for the poor handicapped down and out.
posted by ambrosen at 10:25 AM on March 17, 2012 [45 favorites]


ambrosen is now the poster-person for what I love about metafilter.
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:50 PM on March 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


10. Send infrequentl SMSs about your hunger strike.
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:50 AM on March 18 [9 favorites +] [!]


Sent: Hi guys I am really in2 supporting your cause so I am going on a hunger strike! I am so excited!

Sent: It's been 4 hours n I am feeling a bit peckish...

Sent: 5 hours so I had a freetrade latte to tide me over

Sent: Im kinda hungry so I just had a bagel but i didnt put anything on it so it doesnt count

Sent: 10 hours now an my parents are really amazed that i am so committed to such a great cause! U guys r awesome! I know how it feels now to be struggling...

Sent: my friend says the geopolitical situation is too complicated and I don't really understand what is happening. What are you guys doing right now? What sort of cool slogans are on your signs?

Sent: Im kind of tired from not eating for the last 12 hours so i'm going to take a nap. Talk 2u soon!

Sent: I tried to have a nap but my stomach was rumbling too much and my mum was annoyed when i said I didn't want to eat the dinner she made...so I had to eat my steak with mashed potato and green beans. But i didn't enjoy it...
posted by tracicle at 2:02 PM on March 17, 2012 [7 favorites]


Happy Green Beer Day Meta Talk!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:18 PM on March 17, 2012


Happy gigantic gingers screaming your ear day!
posted by The Whelk at 4:19 PM on March 17, 2012


I'm bit going to apologize for marching in my own parade singing Oi songs and wearing orange if that's what you're trying to say Whelk.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:26 PM on March 17, 2012


My comment was directed entirely at the people actually screaming on the street, right into my ear.
posted by The Whelk at 5:07 PM on March 17, 2012


We do fake AskMe question threads on Metachat sometimes.

Yes, the bunnies do.

And orange swan is a master/mistress of the art.
posted by bearwife at 6:57 PM on March 17, 2012


Happy gigantic gingers screaming your ear day!

Hey Meghan! MEGHAN!



NO, THE OTHER ONE!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:08 PM on March 17, 2012


10. What's the most carbon-neutral way to express my solidarity with pro-democracy rebels in the Middle East using only my smartphone?


HA HA HA AHAA AHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH AaahhhhA AHAHAHAHHA
posted by fake at 8:57 PM on March 17, 2012


Metafilter: A wasp strode in
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:20 PM on March 17, 2012


About last night...
posted by infini at 10:56 PM on March 17, 2012


Lots of people got arrested.
posted by The Whelk at 8:42 AM on March 18, 2012


I think I'm in love.
posted by Hobgoblin at 2:55 PM on March 18, 2012


Very funny. A touch of Mark Leyner, which is a good thing.

WAY funnier.


I needed this. Thanks, Whelk. Except I hate it when somebody is funnier than me.


immediately I begin to compose a TherapyFilter question about this unusual problem that has no ICD-9 code but if you know it please bring it to my attention
posted by scratch at 3:33 PM on March 18, 2012


So I just got assigned to head a new project in the place where my company was founded but first I need to supervise the last pieces of the renovation of the old building it is going to be housed in. It was filled with lots of old cheap cherry-wood, oak, and maple fixtures that were old and boring so I got the workers to tear them out. Can you believe they kept slowing down to make careful piles of that old junk? I decided to think outside the box and nip that in the bud by holding a hot-dog barbeque with the stuff to raise morale! Anyhow, I figure I don't actually need to rip out the really old marble, I can just paint it! Should I use a light Pistachio or or a heavy Fuchsia to go with the pitch black floors and ceilings?
posted by Blasdelb at 5:59 PM on March 18, 2012


My girlfriend forces me to eat everything she isn't sure about, what do?
posted by tumid dahlia at 6:39 PM on March 18, 2012


Thanks, Whelk.

Thelk.
posted by tumid dahlia at 6:39 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think I'm in love.

That's what I said at some point late on St Patricks Day. Next, "but can I eat it?"
posted by infini at 10:35 PM on March 18, 2012


Blasdelb: pistachio for sure. You'll find fuschia a poor match for the gouts of blood, brain and offal you'll get from a properly righteous vivisection, especially once the fluids dry. Be sure to ask about epoxy-based paints, which will be able to stand up to even the harshest cleaning regimens, as well as the odd splash of flesh-melting acid. And think of your annual meetings, too, you want your offices to look their best when the shareholders come in and nothing says "world class" like gloss black, pale green and the scintillating sparkle of quartz pot lights on the polished stainless steel of you implements. Best of luck!
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:43 AM on March 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Is there a reliable, safe, and painless way to get my bottom right molar removed without going to a dentist?
posted by Blasdelb at 7:35 AM on March 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Exercise and therapy.
posted by griphus at 7:55 AM on March 19, 2012


remove wheat from your diet.
posted by The Whelk at 7:56 AM on March 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've been tonguing my top left molar for this very reason. Its been years and the damn thing is tenacious even if almost horizontal.
posted by infini at 8:12 AM on March 19, 2012


Follow up question to my previous one that I won't link to. I have totally ignored all of your advice in favor of using homeopathic amounts of sugar to rot the tooth out, however, the tooth still hurts every time I try to pry it out with pliers. Is there another way I can use a horse type bit as part of my amateur comedy routine or is the solution to just pull harder with the pliers? Alternatively, are there any sex-positive and comedy-friendly Californian toothologists in Barrow, Alaska who would work in exchange for backyard chicken eggs? Any anecdotal experience with a similar situation is appreciated.
posted by Blasdelb at 8:21 AM on March 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


I have never worn a horse bit, nor have participated in amateur comedy, nor do I even have hands with which to work pliers but according to this thing this guy described to me that happened in a movie I can't recall you might want to talk to a lawyer and/or licensed architect about this.
posted by griphus at 8:28 AM on March 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


This makes me feel the warm fuzzies that I'm part of such a wonderful community.
posted by infini at 9:33 AM on March 19, 2012


An... Good way to start the work week.

And the bar has been raised again. Get on it, people, we need the funny.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:48 AM on March 19, 2012


Can you guys tell me what this tune is?

do doo do de do da do do do da,
bum bum ca chi chi bum bum.
do doo do de do da do do do da,
bum bum ca chi chi bum bum.

I heard it some time in the last few days at that music place I went to.
posted by Blasdelb at 6:19 PM on March 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


I am really desperate to lose weight, how feasible is amputation as an option?
posted by Blasdelb at 10:39 AM on March 25, 2012


About that loose tooth I asked about earlier up in this thread? We can mark it resolved now that it came out in my lunch.
posted by infini at 10:45 AM on March 25, 2012


I found a tooth in my sandwich, is it safe to eat?
posted by arcticseal at 8:24 PM on March 25, 2012


*Pulls it out of the napkin and gives it a look*

No.
posted by infini at 10:38 AM on March 26, 2012


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