When is a Double not a Double? May 27, 2012 2:22 PM   Subscribe

I'm not entirely sure how I came to it but I was reading this post at Gawker & wandered down into the comments only to find this odd bit of writing. Some of the replies were witty but then (MeFi's own?) Gawker editor Maureen O'Connor pointed out it was essentially identical to this anonynmous AskMe from 5 years ago. At the very least I figure it's a curiosity worth pointing out to my fellow MeFites who have too much free time on their hands & want to dissect it under the usual microscope.
posted by scalefree to MetaFilter-Related at 2:22 PM (52 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

I thought the AskME post was a gag. At least the thought of pinstripes and fedora made me gag.
posted by Cranberry at 2:26 PM on May 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm so used to seeing this play out with scarabic's old corpse-disposal answer being pasted without attribution into random reddit threads that shameless Fedora Guy copypasta on Gawker is almost refreshing.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:32 PM on May 27, 2012 [7 favorites]


>go to a restaurant for my first date with a girl
>pick the table closest to the bathroom so I won't have to walk too far when I go for my postprandial crap
>the waiter asks what we'd like to drink
>she orders white wine, I ask for a banana milkshake
>the waiter tells me they don't serve milkshake so I ask for a bowl of icecream instead
>my girlfriend asks why I ordered desert
>I tell her I'm going to mush the icecream up and then drink it, and she's probably very impressed but doesn't show it
>the waiter sighs and walks away
>there's an awkward silence so I ask what her favorite dinosaur is
>she says she doesn't know, so I inform her that mine is the pterodactyl
>several minutes later, after I've finished recounting the plot of 'Jurassic Park 3', her wine arrives
>I ask where my icecream is
>the waiter says he will bring it after we've finished our meals
>I tut loudly but don't complain
>she tells the waiter that she's ready to order and asks for the lobster bisque
>he turns to me
>"no, it's okay, I brought my own food," I inform him as I place my container of spaghetti on the table
>he exclaims something in French and hurries off to the kitchen
>after a few more minutes of silence she says something, but I'm not concentrating
>I just laugh and say, "so true!"
>"what the fuck? You think it's funny that my dad has cancer?"
>I choke on my spaghetti and it sprays all over the table
>I reactively reach over and start picking the chunks of spaghetti out of her glass of wine
>she looks like she's about to throw up and runs into the bathroom
>I pursue her and try to tell her that only a tiny bit got on her dress, but she won't listen
>she slams the cubicle door in my face and I can hear her spewing
>an old woman comes out of another cubicle and screams at the sight of me
>"pervert! Pervert!"
>"what? No! My girlfriend is feeling ill and I'm just checking if she's alright!"
>from behind the cubicle my girlfriend shouts, "I'm not your girlfriend!"
>the old lady whacks me around the head with her handbag
>the strap hits me in the eye
>in a moment of (literally) blind fury I yell "Shuryuken!" and lunge at her with an uppercut
>I miss spectacularly and fall to the floor
>two waiters burst in and drag me into the kitchen where they tell me that after I pay I have to leave
>suddenly remember I spent all my money on my new fedora
>I try to make a dash for it but trip on my cape and go crashing into the lobster tank
>the lobsters start attacking me so I grab a shard of glass and slash them all to death
>everyone is horrified by the massacre I just committed and they flinch away from me as I collect my spaghetti and leave
>stop in the doorway and take one last look at the havoc I'd wreaked
>everyone cowers in fear
>alpha as fuck
posted by "Elbows" O'Donoghue at 2:37 PM on May 27, 2012 [32 favorites]


Man, now I have to start checking my yahoo account again.
posted by cjorgensen at 2:40 PM on May 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am mad at Gawker for ruining live blogging Top Chef and changing their commenting system.

This copy and paste is not surprising. I was more surprised that she was surprised that her date was wearing a fedora. It happens. Especially 2 years ago in nyc.

Also, I think you are an a-hole (that 'one' is an a-hole) if one reprints someone else's text messages without permission.

But then I write many things I shouldn't electronically. (maybe even this?)
posted by bquarters at 2:43 PM on May 27, 2012


>there's an awkward silence so I ask what her favorite dinosaur is
>she says she doesn't know, so I inform her that mine is the pterodactyl


Pterosaurs are not dinosaurs.

Dealbreaker!
posted by Sys Rq at 2:50 PM on May 27, 2012 [13 favorites]


>everyone is horrified by the massacre I just committed and they flinch away from me as I collect my spaghetti and leave

He had enough awareness of his surroundings to remember to grab the spaghetti. So there's that.
posted by scalefree at 2:55 PM on May 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


I was more surprised that she was surprised that her date was wearing a fedora.

I don't think it was surprising, just symptomatic.
posted by cmoj at 3:04 PM on May 27, 2012


Wasn't there a follow-up where the fedora guy came to a meetup or something? And that he was doing well, had found love, with two women in a live-in arrangement, or something like that? Or was that a different fedora?
posted by StickyCarpet at 3:28 PM on May 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


That is the plot of Three's Company.
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:33 PM on May 27, 2012 [18 favorites]


I seem to remember that the story featured a piece of shabby-chic furniture being retrieved from the street. Yes, Three's Company in spirit, but did they ever shoot scenes off the set?
posted by StickyCarpet at 3:57 PM on May 27, 2012


Sigh. Genital-eating guy may yet be the prophet of a new humanity.
posted by octobersurprise at 4:00 PM on May 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wasn't there a follow-up where the fedora guy came to a meetup or something? And that he was doing well, had found love, with two women in a live-in arrangement, or something like that? Or was that a different fedora?

lhall had an update on Fedora Guy. I guess he's Newsboy Cap Polyamory Guy now.
posted by maqsarian at 4:02 PM on May 27, 2012 [6 favorites]


That update was more than a year ago. He's probably Fez Celibacy Guy or Beret Polygamist Cult Leader by now.
posted by The World Famous at 4:14 PM on May 27, 2012 [7 favorites]


Or Tattooed Shaved Head Ear Plugged Nimrod.
posted by y2karl at 4:36 PM on May 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


That is the plot of Three's Company.

Maybe the meet up took place at the Regal Beagle?
posted by bquarters at 4:36 PM on May 27, 2012 [3 favorites]


You may ask yourself who is the fedora guy
The answer is, it is you and me.
posted by The Whelk at 4:43 PM on May 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Son of a gun. It's been 5 fucking years?

Who's drinking with me tonight?
posted by Edogy at 4:51 PM on May 27, 2012


Are ya drinking with me Jesus?
posted by The Whelk at 4:52 PM on May 27, 2012


Who's drinking with me tonight?

In spirit, sure.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 4:59 PM on May 27, 2012


Actually come to think of it that is the plot of The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:21 PM on May 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Bowler, not fedora.

Bowlers are cool.
posted by The Whelk at 5:27 PM on May 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


I own a bowler. So you're right. But still, two chicks and a hat.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:30 PM on May 27, 2012


Two Girls One Hat?
posted by The Whelk at 5:32 PM on May 27, 2012


Bowlers are cool.

Sometimes, sure. The Dude, for example, is cool. The Jesus? Not so much.
posted by The World Famous at 5:52 PM on May 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh my gosh I have been waiting for an excuse to link this comic on MeFi but I knew posting a MeTa just to link to it would get closed up, but check it out you guys. (I have literally had it open in a tab ever since it was first posted, waiting for an opportune thread to crop up.)
posted by Gator at 6:04 PM on May 27, 2012 [10 favorites]


>Implying that Jurassic Park 3 can be summarized in a few minutes.
posted by Rhomboid at 6:37 PM on May 27, 2012


Jurassic Park 3 is the one with Clubber Lang, right?
posted by The World Famous at 6:57 PM on May 27, 2012


Jeez Gator, how'd you find a comic about an ex roommate of mine? The man called me "m'lady" all the time, and I let it go because I thought it was some odd Francophone quirk!
posted by peppermind at 6:58 PM on May 27, 2012


Who's drinking with me tonight?

In spirit, sure.


Spirits? Sure!
posted by Forktine at 8:24 PM on May 27, 2012


Fedora, pork-pie, pretentious douche-bag--let's call the whole thing kibble. I say it's spinach, and I say to hell with it.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:41 PM on May 27, 2012


My husband looks awesome in his fedora.

But, then again, he does live in a black & white movie.
posted by jb at 10:41 PM on May 27, 2012


At some point you have to put him back into The Purple Rose Of Cairo jb.
posted by The Whelk at 10:53 PM on May 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


You may ask yourself who is the fedora guy
The answer is, it is you and me.


Ask not for whom the fedora doffs
It doffs for thee.

~ or ~

I shouted out
Who fedora'd the Kennedy's
When after all
It was you and me

~ or ~

And you may find yourself under the brim of a beautiful fedora
And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?

Bowlers are cool.

I owned for a number of years a cheap felt prop bowler nicked from the after-party of a highschool production of Harvey; it had two small ovals cut out of the top, to accommodate the ears of the eponymous rabbitman, which you would think would more or less ruin a hat, but my reasoning was that it was, after all, the top of the hat, and I was furthermore a relatively tall guy, so who was to know? And I didn't ever wear it in the rain.

Eventually I must have gotten rid of it. I don't recall when. Maybe that was a mistake.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:09 PM on May 27, 2012


I feel like I should send you a bowler cortex.
posted by The Whelk at 11:20 PM on May 27, 2012


Best. Stealth attempt at a free hat by post. Ever.
posted by Errant at 12:55 AM on May 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Gator's link is worth reading, if just for the hovertext.

FEDORABLE!
posted by lollusc at 1:45 AM on May 28, 2012


I say this as an upright bass player who wears a hat and as a guy whose been to a bunch of beer festivals:

I go to a lot of the kind of things where people wear hats, and I've seen more than my share of people who wear fedoras and pork-pies, and I've yet to meet anyone that could actually pull off a fedora or pork-pie. I'm willing to admit that it's possible, but I've never actually seen this happen.

So, I guess my advice is: The people you see that look good in porkpies and fedoras are all trained professionals, with people standing by in case of an accident. Unless you're a professional, or have a professional supervising you, you probably shouldn't try to wear those two particular kinds of hats.
posted by Gygesringtone at 7:20 AM on May 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


There is nothing wrong with wearing a fedora.

It is all you hatless people who are wrong, wrong, wrong.
posted by languagehat at 7:22 AM on May 28, 2012 [4 favorites]


My SO has also not informed me that the current fashion is specifically for trilbies, while his fedora is a more classic wide-brim one (though no where near as wide-brimmed as Indiana Jones').

He has also been promised a Panama hat from Ecuador, though our friend's Ecuadorian relatives still don't understand why he would want a farm worker's hat.
posted by jb at 7:53 AM on May 28, 2012


Sorry - that should read: "My SO has also informed me..."

He may not be a hat professional, but he is a highly skilled hat-amateur; he would place well in the hat-Olympics.
posted by jb at 7:55 AM on May 28, 2012


I know someone who does look quite fetching in a pork pie, but that's because he is the Most Handsome Boy In The Workd and would look good wearing rotting elk pelts.
posted by The Whelk at 8:20 AM on May 28, 2012


I shouted out
Who fedora'd the Kennedy's
When after all
It was you and me


Sure. Joke about it.

But realize this: The hatmaking industry and its underworld connections were directly responsible for the Kennedy assassination. Kennedy was the first President to go hatless. His influence on hat fashion was killing the industry. Something had to be done.

The plan was well-thought-out. Kennedy would be killed in a way that would underscore the importance of wearing a hat outdoors: Shot in the head when riding in a convertible in the hot sun without a hat. If he had been wearing a hat, Oswald's target would have been obscured. He would not have had a clean shot. See what happens when you don't wear a hat? You get shot in the head in Texas. That's what happens when you don't wear a hat.

The villain? "Hatless" Lee Harvey Oswald. The hat underworld knew that the nation would want Oswald dead; wouldn't want to wait for the rusty wheels of justice to grind and grind and finally just put him in prison to await an eventual execution. No, the people would want a hero to vanquish this hatless personification of evil. And so it sent that hero to kill Oswald - to act as a proxy for all of America, taking vengeance against the hatless menace.

And what, you may ask, was this hero wearing when he shot Oswald in the most cunning, ruthless, and complicated publicity stunt ever to fail miserably for the hat industry? A fedora, of course.

I rest my case.
posted by The World Famous at 9:29 AM on May 28, 2012 [7 favorites]


There is no Habadashery Cabal.
posted by The Whelk at 2:29 PM on May 28, 2012


Lee Hurfey Durfwald.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:24 PM on May 28, 2012


the chapeauinatti
posted by The Whelk at 4:38 PM on May 28, 2012


I say it's spinach, and I say to hell with it.

"how the hell do people have new yorker cartoons from 1928 memorized?"
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:09 PM on May 28, 2012


Cause i used to read new yorker cartoon books in my HS library cover to cover?
posted by The Whelk at 7:12 PM on May 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Jesus gonna be here soon.
posted by Meatbomb at 6:10 AM on May 29, 2012


I once watched a first date couple across a Chinese restaurant as my wife and I dined, pre-cell phone era. The came in, sat down, she excused herself and went to the back of the establishment presumably to "freshen up."

A while passes. The guy comes back into my consciousness becasue he's visibly getting agitated, still seated alone. It has been a looong time, longer than an acceptable bathroom break. He's looking around, looking at his watch, trying to decide if he should bang on the door of the john to see if she's OD'd in a stall,jumped out the window, or who knows what.

I start narrating a bit to my wife as we finish our meal. About the time we are getting the check, in through the front door breezes first date girl, carrying a takeout container of pasta from the Italian restaurant next door! First date guy is understandably upset. First date girl seems to have literally no idea that there is something inappropriate or unexpected about her dining decisions.

We left then, so I can't tell you if first date guy ordered ice cream or not. But I bet that was their last date, too.
posted by mwhybark at 11:11 AM on May 29, 2012


Hey, that was me!

not really
posted by The World Famous at 11:14 AM on May 29, 2012


Oh man, just the other day my friend mentioned our brush with the Responsible Hedonist. We're both still a little dumbfounded by the series of tiny coincidences and right timing that led to it.

He was--as one might say, in a vaguely English accent, if one was prone to writing and sharing long, florid postings online--delightful company.

I should really drop that guy a line to see what he's up to.
posted by lhall at 11:37 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


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